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Downloaded from
YTS.BZ
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.BZ
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Ladies and gentlemen,
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please welcome to the stage
Paul Smith.
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Yes.
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Hello, Dublin!
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You big sexy
bastards. How are we?
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Thank you all for coming
to my show.
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I really appreciate it.
There’s a lot of people here.
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Some of you have got
no fucking idea who I am.
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Yeah. That’s fine.
If that’s you, don’t--
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Don’t feel bad.
Thank you for coming.
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Maybe you took a chance on it,
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which is lovely
if you’ve done that.
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Thank you very much. Most
likely, though, what’s happened,
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someone’s had a spare ticket
last minute,
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someone couldn’t make it,
and someone’s gone,
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"Do you wanna come and
watch this lad off TikTok?"
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And you’d be like,
"Yeah, that’s nice."
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"Oh, you, what you do?"
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And you brought your fucking
Nan along or something,
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thinking that was gonna be
a good idea.
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But then I’m just gonna call
this woman a slag
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for half an hour.
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And the rest
of the show
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is just about me dick
and cocaine.
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I’m very sorry for calling you
a slag there, love.
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I, uh...
It was nothing personal, that.
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I just... I just,
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I just had to pick someone
for that little admin bit.
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That was not...
I just glanced down,
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and you had leopard prints on,
and I was like...
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00:02:02,708 --> 00:02:04,572
You don’t look like
you haven’t been fingered,
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00:02:04,710 --> 00:02:06,919
do you know what I mean, like?
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Why did you just smell
your fingers there, love?
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Oh, deary me.
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So, I’m sorry.
That was nothing personal.
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I don’t know if you are a slag.
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I don’t know if you’re not
a slag. If you’re not--
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00:02:19,656 --> 00:02:21,002
if you are a slag as well,
it’s 2025.
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That’s up to you as well.
I fully support that.
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It’s your body,
it’s your choice.
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I’m not here to judge you.
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If you wanna go
full Bonnie Blue
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and take a thousand dicks
in a day, that is up to you.
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And I stand behind you.
If you wanna do that,
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I’ll be right there behind you
doing that.
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What’s your name, love?
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Niamh.
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Niamh. Nee-ha-ham.
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Hiya, Nee-ha-ham.
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How are you, mate?
You had a good day?
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00:02:57,867 --> 00:02:58,764
- Yeah.
- Did you?
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00:02:58,902 --> 00:03:00,041
What made you pick
the leopard print?
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Did you just, you just like it?
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00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:02,872
- Comfy.
- It’s comfy?
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00:03:03,010 --> 00:03:05,150
Oh, so the pattern makes it
more comfortable?
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00:03:06,703 --> 00:03:08,395
No! You could’ve
got black ones.
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You thought,
"No, do you know what?"
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"Slag legs!"
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00:03:12,157 --> 00:03:13,262
What do you do, Nee-ham?
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- Nothing.
- You don’t do fuck all?
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- You have got a job?
- I do.
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What’s your job, mate?
Why did you lie?
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Are you on the sick?
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00:03:27,759 --> 00:03:29,381
Is that why your legs are
camouflaged?
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You’re in a wheelchair also?
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"Quick, Mammy,
get me wheelchair!"
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00:03:38,528 --> 00:03:41,635
"I didn’t know there was going
to be cameras here."
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What’s your job, mate?
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I work in sales.
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You work in sales?
What do you sell?
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Furniture.
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Furniture? Ooh!
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Couches and that?
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- Couches.
- Ooh!
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How big-- Is it a big retailer?
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00:03:57,823 --> 00:03:59,377
- Yeah, big enough.
- Big enough?
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You’re being very sketchy.
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00:04:02,414 --> 00:04:03,795
Who is it, mate?
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00:04:03,933 --> 00:04:05,003
- What?
- EZ living.
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EZ living. All right, love.
Fucking calm down.
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Fuck are you shouting
at me for, you cheeky bitch?
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00:04:09,490 --> 00:04:11,216
Don’t start getting lippy
with me.
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Fucking having an attitude
with me, you little dickhead.
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How do you two know each other?
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00:04:16,566 --> 00:04:18,085
- Mum.
- Are you the mum?
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00:04:18,223 --> 00:04:20,743
Oh, shit. Sorry.
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00:04:20,881 --> 00:04:23,263
- Did you know she was a slag?
- No!
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I’m joking.
She’s not.
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She’s a nice girl.
She sells couches.
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Sells beds as well,
most likely.
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I’ve tested these ones
extensively.
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I’ll get you a fresh one.
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Cos she gets shagged
all the time.
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Yeah, I’m sure she doesn’t. I’m
sure she’s very frigid. Erm...
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- What’s your name, Mum?
- Evelyn.
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00:04:53,741 --> 00:04:55,467
Evelyn. Lovely to meet you,
Evelyn.
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00:04:55,605 --> 00:04:57,918
Er... what’ve you been doing
today, mate?
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00:04:58,056 --> 00:04:59,575
Celebrating my birthday.
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00:04:59,713 --> 00:05:01,128
Just celebrating your birthday?
It’s your birthday today?
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00:05:01,266 --> 00:05:02,957
Happy birthday, Evelyn.
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00:05:03,095 --> 00:05:04,856
Yay!
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00:05:06,133 --> 00:05:08,135
Ah, that’s lovely. What did you
get for your birthday?
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00:05:08,273 --> 00:05:09,412
Tickets to see you.
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00:05:09,550 --> 00:05:11,276
Just tickets to see me
for your birthday?
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00:05:11,414 --> 00:05:13,174
Oh, that’s, that’s dead nice.
That’s good, isn’t it? Aw.
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- My 70th.
- You’re 70?
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Well done, Evelyn.
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00:05:18,076 --> 00:05:20,043
Fair play. I still would.
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Obviously if I weren’t married
and that,
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I’m happily married
and stuff like that.
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I’ve got a beautiful wife
at home, you know?
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But if that wasn’t the case,
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know what I mean, I could be
your new dad and you...
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And I tell you what, if I was,
you’d be fucking less lippy
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and you wouldn’t be walking
round
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looking like a fucking slag.
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Do you know him?
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Do you know him?
Do you know him?
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- My husband.
- That’s your husband?
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Shit. Sorry.
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What’s your name?
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00:05:46,518 --> 00:05:47,933
- What’s your name?
- I can’t hear you.
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You can’t hear me.
You’re not deaf, are you?
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Can’t do that again, mate.
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I’ve done that one.
It’s on Tik Tok.
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He wasn’t fucking deaf, him,
by the way.
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I just wanna clear my name
on that shit.
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If you haven’t fucking seen
that, right,
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there’s a clip online
when I say to some fella,
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"Hiya, what do you do?"
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00:06:08,437 --> 00:06:10,024
He starts giving it
fucking this, right?
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00:06:10,162 --> 00:06:11,750
I knew it wasn’t real sign
language,
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00:06:11,888 --> 00:06:13,338
but I don’t know enough
sign language
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00:06:13,476 --> 00:06:14,995
to catch the cunt out,
so I was just like...
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So I just asked him and went,
"Mate, are you deaf?"
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Cos I thought in my head,
I was like,
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00:06:18,654 --> 00:06:20,621
if you’re not deaf
and you pretend to be deaf
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for some reason,
thinking that’s funny,
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00:06:22,140 --> 00:06:23,866
and someone questions you,
you just let it go.
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00:06:24,004 --> 00:06:25,661
You know what I mean, you’d
go, "Nah, I’m only messing".
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Would he fuck let it go.
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Fair play. I respect it.
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He stuck to his guns
and just carried on doing this.
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00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:32,806
And then I look like a prick
then, don’t I?
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00:06:32,944 --> 00:06:34,773
Cos I was like,
"Why the fuck are you here?"
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Which... that does sound like a
horrible question, I know that.
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But in the moment,
I just didn’t get
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00:06:40,469 --> 00:06:41,780
how he was gonna
follow the show
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00:06:41,918 --> 00:06:44,956
cos there’s no fucking
subtitles in real life.
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And then his missus chipped in.
"He can lip read."
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You can’t lip read me.
I’m Scouse.
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People who can hear me
can’t understand me.
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Fucking prick.
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00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:58,314
You see, it took me an hour
to catch him out.
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An hour of his life, he spent
just fucking giving it this.
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00:07:02,249 --> 00:07:03,906
And the only way
I caught him out, mate,
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he was sat over there, where
you are, fella, with the beard.
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00:07:06,253 --> 00:07:07,565
Sat, like, right where you are.
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00:07:07,703 --> 00:07:09,325
I kept having to do jokes
at this side of the room
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00:07:09,463 --> 00:07:13,191
and cover my mouth
so I knew he couldn’t see it.
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And just wait for him to laugh.
I’d go,
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"I saw you laugh at that,
you cunt!"
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It was a fucking nightmare.
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00:07:23,719 --> 00:07:24,789
The one who come
in the wheelchair,
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00:07:24,927 --> 00:07:26,791
he was fucked though.
That was real.
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00:07:30,173 --> 00:07:31,692
You all right, mate?
You’re ready for me.
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00:07:31,830 --> 00:07:33,142
You look fuck-- Yeah.
You haven’t...
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00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:35,455
He hasn’t, he hasn’t moved
since, like--
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00:07:35,593 --> 00:07:37,698
He was just being, like...
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00:07:39,148 --> 00:07:43,359
You look like
a fucking Action Man that’s broke.
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00:07:43,497 --> 00:07:45,844
You know...
You know, like, when you go down the charity shop
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and it’s just an old Action Man
just lying there.
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All right, fella. You OK?
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00:07:51,194 --> 00:07:52,575
You don’t look comfy at all
there, son. You all right?
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00:07:52,713 --> 00:07:54,543
- Got a bad back or something?
- My legs.
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00:07:54,681 --> 00:07:55,992
It’s just your legs.
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00:07:56,130 --> 00:07:57,994
They don’t fit your body.
It’s weird.
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00:07:58,132 --> 00:07:58,892
They don’t.
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00:07:59,030 --> 00:07:59,962
Yeah, man. What’s your name?
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00:08:00,100 --> 00:08:01,032
- Troy.
- Roy? Roy!
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00:08:01,170 --> 00:08:02,930
- Troy!
- Oh, Troy. All right, mate.
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00:08:03,068 --> 00:08:05,450
- What do you do, Troy?
- Fix coffee machines.
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00:08:05,588 --> 00:08:07,901
You fix coffee machines?
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00:08:10,524 --> 00:08:12,146
What a weird profession.
187
00:08:12,906 --> 00:08:14,045
How’d you get into that?
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00:08:14,183 --> 00:08:16,288
Just fucking hate
broke coffee machine?
189
00:08:16,426 --> 00:08:17,635
Straight out of school...
190
00:08:17,773 --> 00:08:19,222
Just stayed in there, straight
out of school.
191
00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:22,225
Get in there,
get your little...
192
00:08:22,363 --> 00:08:25,746
Ah, your fucking steam is broke
on that, bro.
193
00:08:29,094 --> 00:08:30,924
That’s not gonna--
That’s not gonna get your milk
194
00:08:31,062 --> 00:08:33,720
to your temperature there.
I’m gonna have to fucking--
195
00:08:33,858 --> 00:08:37,171
That’s gonna need a new part.
That’s not-- That’s gonna run--
196
00:08:37,309 --> 00:08:40,554
That’s gonna run you
a fine few quid there.
197
00:08:43,143 --> 00:08:44,903
You gotta make the money...
198
00:08:45,041 --> 00:08:46,836
You gotta make the money,
haven’t you, kid. You’re right.
199
00:08:46,974 --> 00:08:49,736
You look terrified there, love.
You all right?
200
00:08:49,874 --> 00:08:50,909
- Are you OK?
- Yeah.
201
00:08:51,047 --> 00:08:52,393
- Are you with Troy, are you?
- I am.
202
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,326
That’s my ma.
203
00:08:54,464 --> 00:08:55,845
I was gonna say.
204
00:08:55,983 --> 00:08:58,089
There was...
You don’t wanna say, do you?
205
00:08:58,227 --> 00:09:00,022
You don’t wanna go, cos I don’t
wanna go,
206
00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:01,402
"Is that your mum?"
207
00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:03,301
and you’re like,
"That’s my fucking wife, that."
208
00:09:03,439 --> 00:09:07,581
She fixed my fucking
steam, and I’ll tell you that.
209
00:09:13,967 --> 00:09:15,693
Oh, shit. I’m sorry.
210
00:09:15,831 --> 00:09:17,315
Everyone’s out with their mum.
211
00:09:17,453 --> 00:09:18,903
That’s nice, innit?
Little mummy. Oh, that’s good.
212
00:09:19,041 --> 00:09:20,698
- What’s your name, mum?
- Michelle.
213
00:09:20,836 --> 00:09:22,285
Hiya, Michelle.
You had a good day?
214
00:09:22,423 --> 00:09:23,493
- Great day.
- Did you know
215
00:09:23,632 --> 00:09:24,736
- you were gonna be sat there?
- I did.
216
00:09:24,874 --> 00:09:25,910
Cos you don’t-- You did?
217
00:09:26,048 --> 00:09:27,221
So you prepared for this
mentally?
218
00:09:27,359 --> 00:09:29,707
Cos you look
absolutely fucking terrified.
219
00:09:29,845 --> 00:09:31,398
Like, Troy’s all right.
He sat there going,
220
00:09:31,536 --> 00:09:33,676
"I think I gonna tell him
about coffee machines."
221
00:09:33,814 --> 00:09:35,057
It’s gonna be fucking funny.
222
00:09:35,195 --> 00:09:37,093
And you’re just, like, "Oh,
fuck."
223
00:09:37,231 --> 00:09:39,924
"Why have you fucking
done this to me, son?"
224
00:09:40,062 --> 00:09:42,961
"I’m gonna be after me having
a fucking heart attack."
225
00:09:45,101 --> 00:09:46,413
What do you do, Michelle?
226
00:09:46,551 --> 00:09:47,448
Absolutely nothing.
227
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:49,105
Don’t do fuck all?
228
00:09:49,243 --> 00:09:50,210
Nice, mate.
229
00:09:50,348 --> 00:09:51,280
Youse going out later?
230
00:09:51,418 --> 00:09:52,281
No, school night.
231
00:09:52,419 --> 00:09:54,594
School night? Oh, fuck off!
232
00:09:54,732 --> 00:09:56,596
Michelle, you out
with me and Evelyn,
233
00:09:56,734 --> 00:09:58,736
getting on the Charlie?
234
00:10:00,185 --> 00:10:04,017
I’m gonna wake up next to some
wrinkly tits tomorrow, me.
235
00:10:12,335 --> 00:10:15,822
Tryna do a bump
off your nipples
236
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:17,099
and it keeps falling off.
237
00:10:18,376 --> 00:10:20,378
Ah, fucking hell.
Evelyn, stay still.
238
00:10:20,516 --> 00:10:23,761
Come on, pop it on your knee,
Evelyn. Pop it on your knee.
239
00:10:28,766 --> 00:10:31,078
Oh, I’m a bad guy.
240
00:10:31,216 --> 00:10:32,873
Shit, man. I do worry
about this, you know,
241
00:10:33,011 --> 00:10:34,564
because this is, like, this,
this is quite big.
242
00:10:34,703 --> 00:10:36,359
It’s important.
And I don’t--
243
00:10:36,497 --> 00:10:39,500
I worry I’m gonna
get cancelled. That’s my fucking thing.
244
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,192
Like, I worry I’m just gonna...
245
00:10:41,330 --> 00:10:42,780
I’m just gonna make it,
and then I’m gonna get canceled
246
00:10:42,918 --> 00:10:45,265
by some cunts, and I’m gonna
fucking like,
247
00:10:45,403 --> 00:10:47,647
I really tried
to be less of a cunt, I have.
248
00:10:47,785 --> 00:10:49,062
I’ve tried.
249
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:50,580
It just doesn’t work for me.
It’s scary.
250
00:10:50,719 --> 00:10:52,134
And honestly,
the disabled community,
251
00:10:52,272 --> 00:10:55,171
they’re fucking... are coming
after me now.
252
00:10:55,309 --> 00:10:56,932
It’s a terrifying thing, that,
you know,
253
00:10:57,070 --> 00:10:58,727
you don’t think it’s as scary
as it’s gonna be
254
00:10:58,865 --> 00:11:00,176
cos there’s some clips
that I’ve picked on disabled people
255
00:11:00,314 --> 00:11:01,557
and that, but that’s
not my fault.
256
00:11:01,695 --> 00:11:02,972
They keep sitting them
at the front,
257
00:11:03,110 --> 00:11:04,733
all the fucking disabled seats
are at the front.
258
00:11:04,871 --> 00:11:06,320
I don’t know they’re disabled
until I start talking to them
259
00:11:06,458 --> 00:11:08,081
and then what the fuck
am I supposed to do?
260
00:11:08,219 --> 00:11:09,599
Stop talking to them
cos they’re disabled?
261
00:11:09,738 --> 00:11:12,050
I don’t know,
know what I mean? -
262
00:11:12,188 --> 00:11:15,088
And now they’re
coming after me.
263
00:11:15,226 --> 00:11:16,848
I mean, they’re not going
to catch me, obviously,
264
00:11:16,986 --> 00:11:20,093
but they are coming.
265
00:11:26,133 --> 00:11:27,652
Do you know what the thing is,
right?
266
00:11:27,790 --> 00:11:29,343
I didn’t expect
any of this to happen.
267
00:11:29,481 --> 00:11:31,138
This is still
a fucking surprise to me.
268
00:11:31,276 --> 00:11:32,933
Like, honestly, the fact
that you’re all here
269
00:11:33,071 --> 00:11:35,660
still fucking shocks the life
out of me
270
00:11:35,798 --> 00:11:36,834
cos I’ve done this a long...
271
00:11:36,972 --> 00:11:40,354
Thank you. Thank you.
272
00:11:43,185 --> 00:11:44,807
I’ve done this a long time.
273
00:11:44,945 --> 00:11:47,085
And like near 20 years
I’ve been doing comedy,
274
00:11:47,223 --> 00:11:49,605
20 years this year,
and for most of that time,
275
00:11:49,743 --> 00:11:51,158
no one had
a fucking clue who I was.
276
00:11:51,296 --> 00:11:53,851
I was just I was the host
of a comedy club in Liverpool
277
00:11:53,989 --> 00:11:54,990
called Hot Water Comedy.
278
00:11:55,128 --> 00:11:56,888
Yeah. Should cheer.
279
00:11:57,026 --> 00:11:58,269
You should cheer.
It’s the greatest comedy club
280
00:11:58,407 --> 00:12:00,029
in the world.
It’s an amazing place.
281
00:12:00,167 --> 00:12:01,513
I used to love that job as well
because my job was just...
282
00:12:01,651 --> 00:12:03,412
I was the host of the show,
so I’d go on.
283
00:12:03,550 --> 00:12:05,897
They have like three comedians
on and I’d go on at the start.
284
00:12:06,035 --> 00:12:08,072
And in between the acts.
"Hiya, what do you do?"
285
00:12:08,210 --> 00:12:10,212
"You’re a pedophile. Ha!"
286
00:12:12,593 --> 00:12:14,181
I never liked it, but no one
had a clue who I was.
287
00:12:14,319 --> 00:12:15,976
I was never getting
on the telly or anything.
288
00:12:16,114 --> 00:12:18,323
And then the fella who owns
that comedy club, my good mate,
289
00:12:18,461 --> 00:12:20,567
was like," I’m going to put
some cameras in and film this
290
00:12:20,705 --> 00:12:22,051
and put it on the internet."
291
00:12:22,189 --> 00:12:23,812
And I was like,
"No one’s going to watch that."
292
00:12:23,950 --> 00:12:25,814
I was incorrect.
293
00:12:28,506 --> 00:12:30,577
Turns out
it’s very, very popular.
294
00:12:30,715 --> 00:12:32,441
And I’m not knocking that.
I’m very lucky.
295
00:12:32,579 --> 00:12:34,961
I get to go all over the world
doing this. I’m very blessed.
296
00:12:35,099 --> 00:12:37,342
But there is a downside,
and that is this.
297
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:39,034
Don’t let kids
in the comedy club.
298
00:12:39,172 --> 00:12:42,106
Now I’ve got ten-year-olds
following me on TikTok.
299
00:12:43,555 --> 00:12:46,041
And I don’t know
what to do about that.
300
00:12:46,179 --> 00:12:47,870
That is a terrifying thing,
mate.
301
00:12:48,008 --> 00:12:49,423
I’m like, do you know what,
302
00:12:49,561 --> 00:12:51,253
I had a frightening moment
with a ten year old.
303
00:12:51,391 --> 00:12:55,429
Skidded up to me in McDonald’s
car park on a fucking BMX.
304
00:12:56,845 --> 00:12:58,329
Skidded up.
305
00:12:58,467 --> 00:13:00,607
"You’re that one off TikTok
who talks about doing DMT."
306
00:13:01,746 --> 00:13:04,093
He went, "I can’t wait
to meet the Rainbow Serpent."
307
00:13:04,231 --> 00:13:08,408
I was like, "Oh, for fuck’s
sake! No!"
308
00:13:08,546 --> 00:13:11,238
Yes, see, this is... Right.
309
00:13:11,376 --> 00:13:12,792
The people who’ve whoo’d that,
310
00:13:12,930 --> 00:13:15,035
you’re the audience
I wanted for that bit.
311
00:13:15,173 --> 00:13:18,659
Like, if you don’t know what
I’m on about, I did, I took DMT.
312
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,040
It’s a heavy psychedelic.
313
00:13:20,178 --> 00:13:21,455
I took it a while ago,
and I did a bit about it
314
00:13:21,593 --> 00:13:23,354
in one of my other shows,
and I put that bit out
315
00:13:23,492 --> 00:13:25,943
and it went quite viral and
loads of people have watched it.
316
00:13:26,081 --> 00:13:27,427
And I was quite happy
about that,
317
00:13:27,565 --> 00:13:29,187
because I’ve talked
about lots of drugs on stage
318
00:13:29,325 --> 00:13:30,844
and in my shows and stuff,
319
00:13:30,982 --> 00:13:32,052
and I do worry that I’m, like,
320
00:13:32,190 --> 00:13:33,433
sending the wrong message
out there,
321
00:13:33,571 --> 00:13:35,711
because I’ve talked about
cocaine
322
00:13:35,849 --> 00:13:37,437
and fucking MDMA
and all that shit.
323
00:13:37,575 --> 00:13:40,750
And at least with DMT,
I had the spiritual experience
324
00:13:40,889 --> 00:13:42,545
and I thought, "Yes,
325
00:13:42,683 --> 00:13:44,789
I’ll lead other people to have
a spiritual experience as well."
326
00:13:44,927 --> 00:13:46,584
What a beautiful thing to do.
327
00:13:46,722 --> 00:13:49,138
No. What’s actually happened
is I’ve got ten-year-olds doing
328
00:13:49,276 --> 00:13:51,485
heavy psychedelics
because of me
329
00:13:51,623 --> 00:13:53,798
probably having complete
fucking psychological breakdowns.
330
00:13:53,936 --> 00:13:56,628
They’d be better off
on cocaine, if I’m honest.
331
00:13:58,113 --> 00:14:00,149
Fucking gutted, I’m absolutely
gutted about it.
332
00:14:00,287 --> 00:14:02,048
I don’t I don’t want
to be a role model.
333
00:14:02,186 --> 00:14:03,704
I can’t be a role model.
334
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,879
I didn’t sign up for that.
That’s not fucking...
335
00:14:06,017 --> 00:14:07,708
That’s not fair.
336
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:10,884
I don’t think I’m a bad person,
but I’m a bit of a wreckhead
337
00:14:11,022 --> 00:14:12,644
and I’ve been very open
about that.
338
00:14:12,782 --> 00:14:15,302
I’ve been too honest about it.
Not even in shows.
339
00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:17,649
Like, if you go back a couple
of years on my Instagram,
340
00:14:17,787 --> 00:14:20,963
there’s a lot of footage
of me topless in my kitchen
341
00:14:21,101 --> 00:14:27,383
on loads of MDMA,
just DJing on Instagram Live.
342
00:14:28,419 --> 00:14:30,939
Don’t whoo, by the way. No,
that wasn’t a good fucking...
343
00:14:31,077 --> 00:14:32,595
It was a bad phase.
344
00:14:32,733 --> 00:14:34,149
One of my mates
should have just fucking kicked my door in
345
00:14:34,287 --> 00:14:35,805
and had an intervention
or something.
346
00:14:35,944 --> 00:14:38,429
I can’t even DJ.
That’s the worst thing about it.
347
00:14:38,567 --> 00:14:42,916
I cannot DJ. What...
Here’s how fucking lazy I am.
348
00:14:43,054 --> 00:14:44,435
I bought a set of decks. Right?
349
00:14:44,573 --> 00:14:46,126
And... cos I have a new hobby
every 15 minutes, right?
350
00:14:46,264 --> 00:14:47,748
I thought I’m going
to be a DJ, right?
351
00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:49,543
I bought a set of decks,
and I didn’t realise
352
00:14:49,681 --> 00:14:52,650
how fucking hard it was.
Turns out it’s very difficult.
353
00:14:52,788 --> 00:14:54,341
So instead of learning
what all the buttons do,
354
00:14:54,479 --> 00:14:56,033
I thought I’ll just bang
a load of MDMA
355
00:14:56,171 --> 00:14:59,036
and everything will sound
fucking fantastic.
356
00:14:59,174 --> 00:15:00,175
And you know what?
357
00:15:00,313 --> 00:15:02,108
That works
a little bit too well,
358
00:15:02,246 --> 00:15:03,523
because everything
sounded amazing.
359
00:15:03,661 --> 00:15:05,145
I was like,
well, I am quite clearly
360
00:15:05,283 --> 00:15:07,527
a fucking genius, aren’t I?
361
00:15:10,219 --> 00:15:12,394
The world needs to share this.
362
00:15:12,532 --> 00:15:15,121
And I went on Instagram Live
two o’clock in the morning
363
00:15:15,259 --> 00:15:16,605
to thousands of people going,
364
00:15:16,743 --> 00:15:18,779
"Get on this mix, everyone."
365
00:15:19,711 --> 00:15:21,955
Just sliding the little slider
back and forth,
366
00:15:22,093 --> 00:15:23,992
just changing the song.
367
00:15:24,130 --> 00:15:26,097
Oh, fucking idiot, man.
368
00:15:26,235 --> 00:15:28,651
I tried to... I’ve tried
to be better as well.
369
00:15:28,789 --> 00:15:30,274
I’ve tried, man.
370
00:15:30,412 --> 00:15:31,723
I’ve really... I’ve tried
to get in shape and stuff.
371
00:15:31,861 --> 00:15:34,416
Shit, I got, I got in shape
for about two minutes,
372
00:15:34,554 --> 00:15:35,175
took a picture.
373
00:15:35,313 --> 00:15:36,590
I’m happy with that.
374
00:15:37,660 --> 00:15:39,559
And I’m never going back.
I’m never going back.
375
00:15:39,697 --> 00:15:41,009
There’s people in here
with abs,
376
00:15:41,147 --> 00:15:42,424
and you’re fucking lying
to everyone.
377
00:15:42,562 --> 00:15:44,357
You know it’s shit.
Stop lying to everyone.
378
00:15:44,495 --> 00:15:47,049
Fucking jabbing Ozempic
in yourself every 2.5 minutes,
379
00:15:47,187 --> 00:15:49,051
weighing your chicken
every fucking half an hour.
380
00:15:49,189 --> 00:15:52,813
Go and fuck yourself, you...
Miserable existence.
381
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:54,746
Have a pint and fuck off.
382
00:15:58,647 --> 00:16:00,994
I bought an ice bath.
That’s how serious I went.
383
00:16:01,132 --> 00:16:02,789
I bought a fucking ice bath.
384
00:16:04,584 --> 00:16:06,413
I... Don’t whoop that.
Again, I’ve got to apologize.
385
00:16:06,551 --> 00:16:09,830
If you whoop there, you’ve got
one and you’re a cunt as well.
386
00:16:10,348 --> 00:16:11,694
I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.
387
00:16:11,832 --> 00:16:13,662
No, I want to...
I want to get this off my chest.
388
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:16,389
To anyone who follows me
on Instagram, if you’ve seen me
389
00:16:16,527 --> 00:16:17,804
on Instagram in that ice bath,
390
00:16:17,942 --> 00:16:20,358
acting like I’m better
than you, I am sorry.
391
00:16:20,496 --> 00:16:22,671
Cos I’m a fucking fraud.
I’m a fraud.
392
00:16:22,809 --> 00:16:24,466
I’m a piece of shit.
I’m a liar.
393
00:16:24,604 --> 00:16:26,640
Like, it’s a real ice bath,
don’t get me wrong.
394
00:16:26,778 --> 00:16:27,987
And it is cold.
395
00:16:28,125 --> 00:16:29,574
But the reason is not
hashtag Team Fresh.
396
00:16:29,712 --> 00:16:31,093
If you’ve seen me
in that ice bath,
397
00:16:31,231 --> 00:16:32,336
the reason was most likely
398
00:16:32,474 --> 00:16:34,027
because I had a show
in two hours time,
399
00:16:34,165 --> 00:16:37,168
and I was up till eight o’clock
in the morning on a charlie.
400
00:16:38,411 --> 00:16:40,240
And I’m just trying to
get my fucking head together.
401
00:16:43,312 --> 00:16:46,005
Just dunking my head
in ice water.
402
00:16:46,143 --> 00:16:47,316
Trying to get
any bit of dopamine
403
00:16:47,454 --> 00:16:49,939
out of my stupid
fucking sponge of a brain.
404
00:16:52,666 --> 00:16:56,325
"Help me.
I need to feel happy."
405
00:16:59,604 --> 00:17:02,573
Oh, God. It really
fucking worries me, man.
406
00:17:03,608 --> 00:17:05,955
I...I... My school,
I left school a long time ago.
407
00:17:06,094 --> 00:17:10,029
I left school about 27 years
ago, and I didn’t do well.
408
00:17:10,167 --> 00:17:14,136
I started smoking weed
when I was 12. Yeah.
409
00:17:15,103 --> 00:17:17,415
It makes sense now, doesn’t it?
410
00:17:19,555 --> 00:17:21,178
I smoked weed pretty much
every day through school,
411
00:17:21,316 --> 00:17:23,732
thought it was
cool as fuck, and I left with one qualification
412
00:17:23,870 --> 00:17:27,184
and there was a D in RE,
and that was not good, is it?
413
00:17:29,220 --> 00:17:30,601
Fucking... Do you know what?
414
00:17:30,739 --> 00:17:34,260
My school, my school
last year emailed me going,
415
00:17:34,398 --> 00:17:37,470
"Ah, you’re one of our
most successful alumni."
416
00:17:40,783 --> 00:17:43,510
I had to Google
what that meant, by the way.
417
00:17:46,341 --> 00:17:48,860
They went, "Do you want to come
in and give a talk to the kids?"
418
00:17:48,998 --> 00:17:50,483
I was like, "No."
419
00:17:51,277 --> 00:17:53,382
Abso-f... Absolutely not.
420
00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:55,281
That is the stupidest
fucking idea.
421
00:17:55,419 --> 00:17:56,799
What a ridiculous thing to do.
422
00:17:56,937 --> 00:17:58,318
Because I... The thing is,
423
00:17:58,456 --> 00:18:00,458
this has worked out
very well for me, hasn’t it?
424
00:18:00,596 --> 00:18:01,804
But I’ve got to be the anomaly.
425
00:18:01,942 --> 00:18:03,737
I’ve got to be an exception
to the rule.
426
00:18:03,875 --> 00:18:06,671
I can’t be going into them kids
in good faith and being like,
427
00:18:06,809 --> 00:18:10,365
"Listen, kids, just, like,
fuck your exams off."
428
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:14,645
"Smoke weed and be funny.
It will work out."
429
00:18:19,477 --> 00:18:21,065
Oh, God.
I just can’t do it, man.
430
00:18:21,203 --> 00:18:22,929
It’s full of shit, innit?
431
00:18:23,067 --> 00:18:25,069
That’s why...
that’s why I don’t go on podcasts and that.
432
00:18:25,207 --> 00:18:26,795
Like, people ask me
to go on podcasts.
433
00:18:26,933 --> 00:18:28,831
I’ve done a couple and it’s
always the same conversation.
434
00:18:28,969 --> 00:18:30,730
Fucking people asking
about your mental health
435
00:18:30,868 --> 00:18:32,352
and all that shit, or worse.
436
00:18:32,490 --> 00:18:34,320
I got asked to go on one of
them, fucking one of them ones
437
00:18:34,458 --> 00:18:36,253
where they have CEOs
and people like that on,
438
00:18:36,391 --> 00:18:37,840
fucking talk about your success
and that.
439
00:18:37,978 --> 00:18:40,636
This guy was like, "Come on
and talk about your success."
440
00:18:40,774 --> 00:18:41,948
And I was like, "No."
441
00:18:42,086 --> 00:18:44,468
One, I’ve got no fucking idea
how this happened.
442
00:18:46,573 --> 00:18:47,678
Two... What they mean is...
443
00:18:47,816 --> 00:18:49,197
I’ve met a few
of these people now.
444
00:18:49,335 --> 00:18:50,405
What they really mean is
445
00:18:50,543 --> 00:18:51,958
come on and talk about
being minted.
446
00:18:52,096 --> 00:18:53,787
And I’m not gonna lie, I am
fucking obviously minted
447
00:18:53,925 --> 00:18:55,996
at this point. I’m not gonna...
Yeah.
448
00:19:00,415 --> 00:19:02,002
I’m not gonna be
a dickhead about it.
449
00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:04,488
A lot of comedians are standing
and pretend they were like you.
450
00:19:04,626 --> 00:19:06,110
I’m not. I’m much richer.
451
00:19:13,669 --> 00:19:15,430
But the thing is, like, I’m
not...
452
00:19:15,568 --> 00:19:16,948
I don’t think
I’m a rich person either.
453
00:19:17,086 --> 00:19:18,778
I’ve met other rich people,
and I’m not rich.
454
00:19:18,916 --> 00:19:21,194
Like, I don’t...
That’s not my mindset.
455
00:19:21,332 --> 00:19:22,954
Because, like, you think
rich people are happy
456
00:19:23,092 --> 00:19:24,680
and they’re not.
They’re like people with abs.
457
00:19:24,818 --> 00:19:27,200
They’re not happy.
They’re happy on Instagram.
458
00:19:27,338 --> 00:19:28,719
They’re not happy, mate.
459
00:19:28,857 --> 00:19:30,445
They’re just fucking...
they’re just scared.
460
00:19:30,583 --> 00:19:32,378
They’re constantly terrified
that someone is going
461
00:19:32,516 --> 00:19:33,965
to come along and take
the money off them.
462
00:19:34,103 --> 00:19:36,623
And I’ve never had money
in my entire life. Genuinely.
463
00:19:36,761 --> 00:19:38,729
I’ve lived in my overdraft
because I’m a dickhead.
464
00:19:38,867 --> 00:19:41,249
I’ve lived in my overdraft
for pretty much all of my life,
465
00:19:41,387 --> 00:19:42,664
and when I got money,
466
00:19:42,802 --> 00:19:44,493
it was sat
in my current account in my bank,
467
00:19:44,631 --> 00:19:46,012
and I’d just wake up and I’d
look at my bank balance
468
00:19:46,150 --> 00:19:47,841
and I’d have a wank
and I’d go back to sleep.
469
00:19:55,573 --> 00:19:58,058
Absolutely delightful morning.
470
00:19:58,197 --> 00:20:00,440
And then I met some people
with money and they were like,
471
00:20:00,578 --> 00:20:01,890
"Where’s your money?"
And I was like, "In the bank."
472
00:20:02,028 --> 00:20:03,478
"You can’t just leave it
in the bank."
473
00:20:03,616 --> 00:20:04,962
I was like,
"What do you mean, why?"
474
00:20:05,100 --> 00:20:06,688
They went, "Inflation."
"What the fuck’s that?"
475
00:20:06,826 --> 00:20:08,828
"If you leave it in, it will be
worth less next year."
476
00:20:08,966 --> 00:20:10,588
I was like, "How?"
477
00:20:10,726 --> 00:20:12,314
They’re like,
"You got to invest it in crypto and property."
478
00:20:12,452 --> 00:20:13,764
And then I was like, "Fuck off,
479
00:20:13,902 --> 00:20:15,524
that sounds like
a lot of effort."
480
00:20:15,662 --> 00:20:17,181
Like, "It is a lot of effort.
Quite stressful, actually."
481
00:20:17,319 --> 00:20:18,493
I was like, "Fuck."
482
00:20:18,631 --> 00:20:20,011
And I got I got quite
worried about it.
483
00:20:20,149 --> 00:20:21,841
And now I’ve just fully come
to terms with the fact
484
00:20:21,979 --> 00:20:23,946
I’m going to piss it
up the wall.
485
00:20:25,845 --> 00:20:27,881
Yes!
486
00:20:28,019 --> 00:20:30,470
I’m gonna piss it up the wall
in a couple of years.
487
00:20:30,608 --> 00:20:32,507
I’ve got no investments.
I’ve got no savings.
488
00:20:32,645 --> 00:20:35,268
I’ve got no pension.
I’ve left fuck-all for my kids.
489
00:20:35,406 --> 00:20:37,028
Nothing. Zero.
490
00:20:37,166 --> 00:20:40,342
They can make their own money,
the sponging little cunts.
491
00:20:43,172 --> 00:20:44,622
So if you fast forward
five years,
492
00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:45,796
I’ll be back
on a council estate
493
00:20:45,934 --> 00:20:47,418
with a fucking hippo
in the garden.
494
00:20:47,556 --> 00:20:49,351
And I don’t know
how that’s gonna happen,
495
00:20:49,489 --> 00:20:51,319
but I’m gonna get there.
496
00:20:52,906 --> 00:20:56,669
I’ll be in the garden in
a Versace robe with holes in it.
497
00:20:58,498 --> 00:21:01,501
"Where did it all
go wrong, Bertha?"
498
00:21:04,539 --> 00:21:07,335
Just snorting coke
off a gold spoon.
499
00:21:10,890 --> 00:21:12,892
I can’t be trusted, me,
I’m a fucking...
500
00:21:13,030 --> 00:21:14,411
I’m an idiot, man.
501
00:21:14,549 --> 00:21:16,067
I, honestly, I’m too...
I’m like a puppy, man.
502
00:21:16,205 --> 00:21:19,623
I can’t, like I’m just...
I can’t stop fucking...
503
00:21:19,761 --> 00:21:22,453
I just, I want,
I’m just fucking...
504
00:21:24,110 --> 00:21:26,975
Like, do you know what?
Like people care that much.
505
00:21:27,113 --> 00:21:28,321
Like, too much intelligence.
506
00:21:28,459 --> 00:21:29,874
Like, people message me
sometimes asking me
507
00:21:30,012 --> 00:21:31,842
about tickets and how to get
to shows and all that shit.
508
00:21:31,980 --> 00:21:33,671
Like I’ve got fucking any idea.
509
00:21:33,809 --> 00:21:36,502
Like I’ve got anything to do
with any of this.
510
00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:38,089
Do you know what my life is?
511
00:21:38,227 --> 00:21:40,747
I get picked up from my house,
I get transported to a gig,
512
00:21:40,885 --> 00:21:43,440
I get put backstage,
I get given food and drink.
513
00:21:43,578 --> 00:21:45,614
I get kicked onto the stage
for about an hour.
514
00:21:45,752 --> 00:21:47,236
I walk back off the stage.
515
00:21:47,375 --> 00:21:49,515
I get put back in the car and I
get driven back to a hotel.
516
00:21:49,653 --> 00:21:52,207
I am essentially
a fucking toddler at this point.
517
00:21:55,348 --> 00:21:56,832
It’s fantastic.
518
00:21:57,764 --> 00:21:58,834
And then all the clever people
519
00:21:58,972 --> 00:22:00,388
who make sure
all the lights are here
520
00:22:00,526 --> 00:22:02,459
and the mics here
and the speakers are here
521
00:22:02,597 --> 00:22:04,046
and all you are here.
522
00:22:04,184 --> 00:22:05,979
They at the end of these tours,
they do a big spreadsheet
523
00:22:06,117 --> 00:22:07,602
and they work out what
everyone’s cost them,
524
00:22:07,740 --> 00:22:08,982
what everyone’s made.
525
00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:10,674
And they give you
what they call a settlement.
526
00:22:10,812 --> 00:22:12,296
And the first time that
happened, I swear, more money
527
00:22:12,434 --> 00:22:14,712
than I ever thought I would see
in my entire life in one go.
528
00:22:14,850 --> 00:22:16,921
And I got this money
in the bank, and some people,
529
00:22:17,059 --> 00:22:18,682
they would be... I’ve got kids,
you know what I mean?
530
00:22:18,820 --> 00:22:21,857
Some of you even would be
sensible in that situation.
531
00:22:21,995 --> 00:22:23,928
"Do you know what?
I’ve got kids."
532
00:22:24,066 --> 00:22:25,240
Get your head screwed on.
533
00:22:25,378 --> 00:22:27,829
Get some buy-to-let property
get some passive income.
534
00:22:27,967 --> 00:22:29,555
Set yourself up for the future.
535
00:22:29,693 --> 00:22:32,281
No, I just went and bought
a bright orange Lamborghini.
536
00:22:33,766 --> 00:22:35,423
Yeah!
537
00:22:37,770 --> 00:22:39,806
Spent nearly every penny I had
on that car.
538
00:22:39,944 --> 00:22:42,326
If you’ve cheered that,
you are a very fun person.
539
00:22:42,464 --> 00:22:43,569
Well done.
540
00:22:43,707 --> 00:22:44,846
Wow, you’re very fun,
most likely,
541
00:22:44,984 --> 00:22:46,537
but you’re also
most likely a burden
542
00:22:46,675 --> 00:22:48,228
to your friends and family.
543
00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:51,335
You’re probably
a fucking dickhead like I am.
544
00:22:52,025 --> 00:22:53,372
I shouldn’t have
bought that car.
545
00:22:53,510 --> 00:22:54,959
I lived on a council estate.
546
00:22:55,097 --> 00:22:56,823
I shouldn’t have bought
that car, and I wasn’t...
547
00:22:56,961 --> 00:22:59,067
I wasn’t a millionaire, either,
I wasn’t a millionaire.
548
00:22:59,205 --> 00:23:00,689
I want to be very clear.
549
00:23:00,827 --> 00:23:04,141
I had enough for a Lamborghini
and I bought a Lamborghini.
550
00:23:04,279 --> 00:23:05,314
That’s how much of a dick...
551
00:23:05,453 --> 00:23:06,833
I didn’t even get credit
552
00:23:06,971 --> 00:23:08,801
cos I’ve got...
My credit rating’s about two.
553
00:23:08,939 --> 00:23:11,976
I just went to spend...
554
00:23:12,114 --> 00:23:12,977
What?
555
00:23:14,323 --> 00:23:16,740
How many times did I
get stopped? Ah, mate.
556
00:23:16,878 --> 00:23:18,673
I got stopped,
I got stopped a few times.
557
00:23:18,811 --> 00:23:21,123
You know what?
I’ve never said this on stage,
558
00:23:21,261 --> 00:23:22,677
but I’m out of my country.
559
00:23:22,815 --> 00:23:25,024
I don’t think I’ll get
arrested for this, right.
560
00:23:25,162 --> 00:23:26,439
Do you know what, right,
561
00:23:26,577 --> 00:23:27,820
this is genuinely true, right?
The last time...
562
00:23:27,958 --> 00:23:29,580
The last time I got
fucking stopped in that car
563
00:23:29,718 --> 00:23:31,513
and I was fucking, like...
564
00:23:32,652 --> 00:23:36,518
If you’ve seen Hot Water, they
stream all of the shows, right?
565
00:23:36,656 --> 00:23:38,417
And there’s a gay couple
in Canada.
566
00:23:38,555 --> 00:23:40,073
There’s like 50 in their 50s.
567
00:23:40,211 --> 00:23:42,662
This gay couple live in
the middle of nowhere in Canada.
568
00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:44,940
They watch every stream, right?
They love it.
569
00:23:45,078 --> 00:23:47,218
Message me all the time.
Lovely fellas, right.
570
00:23:47,356 --> 00:23:48,944
So it was a couple
of years back.
571
00:23:49,082 --> 00:23:51,119
He went, "I’m going to send you
something for your birthday."
572
00:23:51,257 --> 00:23:53,328
I went, "Oh, no."
And I don’t know him.
573
00:23:53,466 --> 00:23:54,743
Do you know what I mean?
574
00:23:54,881 --> 00:23:56,020
So I’m like,
he could be a fucking weirdo.
575
00:23:56,158 --> 00:23:57,505
So he was like,
"Send me your address."
576
00:23:57,643 --> 00:23:59,576
And I was like,
"Nah, I’m all right."
577
00:24:01,647 --> 00:24:06,065
Some mad gay Canadian
turning up at my house, know what I mean?
578
00:24:06,203 --> 00:24:08,964
So he went, "It’s all right,
I’ll send it to the club."
579
00:24:09,102 --> 00:24:10,759
So he sent this...
I didn’t think nothing of it.
580
00:24:10,897 --> 00:24:12,830
So I get to the club one day,
"There’s a box for you."
581
00:24:12,968 --> 00:24:14,349
So I’ve opened it up, right.
582
00:24:14,487 --> 00:24:17,732
There’s a fucking...
a Canada jumper, a Canada mug,
583
00:24:17,870 --> 00:24:21,114
and two ounces of weed
vacuum-packed.
584
00:24:26,016 --> 00:24:28,087
And I was like, "Fuck off!"
585
00:24:28,225 --> 00:24:30,227
So I’ve got it in the car.
I’m driving home, right?
586
00:24:30,365 --> 00:24:32,643
And then I’m driving
out of Liverpool city centre
587
00:24:32,781 --> 00:24:34,576
and this fucking prick
in a Golf turns up.
588
00:24:34,714 --> 00:24:37,372
And it’s always a cunt
in a Golf as well.
589
00:24:37,510 --> 00:24:38,856
It’s always a cunt in a Golf.
590
00:24:38,994 --> 00:24:40,306
Turns up, starts revving.
I thought,
591
00:24:40,444 --> 00:24:42,411
"You’re not having me,
you cunts. Fuck you."
592
00:24:42,550 --> 00:24:44,034
Sport mode. Fuck off!
593
00:24:44,172 --> 00:24:46,450
Only went from one light
to the next light, right.
594
00:24:46,588 --> 00:24:48,625
And I stopped.
And he called up. He went, "Fair play."
595
00:24:48,763 --> 00:24:49,902
We were laughing
and stuff like that.
596
00:24:50,040 --> 00:24:51,973
He drove off and I looked
in my mirror.
597
00:24:52,111 --> 00:24:55,632
Cop car behind me.
I was like, "Fuck you."
598
00:24:55,770 --> 00:24:59,739
So I’m driving slow as fuck,
25 mile an hour.
599
00:25:01,707 --> 00:25:05,400
Lamborghinis do not like to go
25 miles an hour.
600
00:25:08,541 --> 00:25:09,784
Eleven o’clock at night.
601
00:25:11,233 --> 00:25:13,926
I’m, like, indicating
to change lanes
602
00:25:14,685 --> 00:25:15,928
and the cop car’s
just behind me.
603
00:25:16,066 --> 00:25:18,309
And I’m like...
604
00:25:20,726 --> 00:25:22,417
And then his lights come on.
605
00:25:22,555 --> 00:25:24,212
He pulls me over and I’m like,
"Fuck me, I’m going to prison."
606
00:25:24,350 --> 00:25:26,835
"I’m going to prison." Because
I realised as soon as...
607
00:25:26,973 --> 00:25:28,181
as soon as I pulled over,
I thought,
608
00:25:28,319 --> 00:25:30,977
"Fuck, I’ve got that weed
in the boot."
609
00:25:31,115 --> 00:25:32,910
Imagine that’s what
you go to nick for.
610
00:25:33,048 --> 00:25:34,222
And what the fuck
am I going to say?
611
00:25:34,360 --> 00:25:36,845
Two gay fellas
from Canada sent it to me?
612
00:25:38,260 --> 00:25:40,608
They’re not going
to believe that shit, are they?
613
00:25:40,746 --> 00:25:41,954
So he comes up.
614
00:25:42,092 --> 00:25:43,714
He went, "You know
how fast you were going?"
615
00:25:43,852 --> 00:25:46,855
And I was like, "No, I think
it’s just a loud car, you know?"
616
00:25:46,993 --> 00:25:48,995
He was like, "No, no,
I saw you go across."
617
00:25:49,133 --> 00:25:50,445
"I don’t know
how fast you were going,
618
00:25:50,583 --> 00:25:51,860
but you were
definitely going too fast."
619
00:25:51,998 --> 00:25:52,689
I was like, "Oh,
I’m sure it wasn’t me,
620
00:25:52,827 --> 00:25:54,000
I’m so sorry."
621
00:25:54,138 --> 00:25:55,139
And he looked at...
he was fucking fuming.
622
00:25:55,277 --> 00:25:56,969
And he looked, he went...
623
00:25:58,349 --> 00:26:01,352
"You’re that comedian."
And I went, "Fucking yes."
624
00:26:03,113 --> 00:26:04,666
Yes!
625
00:26:07,911 --> 00:26:09,947
He’s like, "I’m gonna let you
off this time, but be careful."
626
00:26:10,085 --> 00:26:12,053
Orange Lamborghini makes you
stand out a little bit."
627
00:26:12,191 --> 00:26:13,710
I was like, "Yeah,
I’m a dickhead,
628
00:26:13,848 --> 00:26:16,229
sorry about that, mate."
629
00:26:19,785 --> 00:26:22,581
Fucking shit.
That car was a nightmare.
630
00:26:22,719 --> 00:26:25,273
I shouldn’t have got it, man,
I really shouldn’t have bought it.
631
00:26:25,411 --> 00:26:26,619
Like, you know what? I...
632
00:26:26,757 --> 00:26:28,000
The way I think
about the car was,
633
00:26:28,138 --> 00:26:29,518
I said I lived on a council...
I didn’t...
634
00:26:29,657 --> 00:26:32,660
I didn’t even check, like,
insurance or anything.
635
00:26:32,798 --> 00:26:35,041
You can’t have that car
where I lived,
636
00:26:35,179 --> 00:26:37,872
like, it was in a rough estate.
637
00:26:38,010 --> 00:26:39,459
I’ve got the car delivered
to my house
638
00:26:39,598 --> 00:26:41,738
because my mate from school,
he’s an insurance broker.
639
00:26:41,876 --> 00:26:44,188
I’ve always used them.
I sent him a picture.
640
00:26:44,326 --> 00:26:45,500
He was fucking fuming.
641
00:26:45,638 --> 00:26:47,778
I sent him a picture
of this car on my drive, going,
642
00:26:47,916 --> 00:26:50,712
"Hey, premiums on this
are gonna be a bit mad, aren’t they?
643
00:26:50,850 --> 00:26:53,542
"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha."
644
00:26:54,336 --> 00:26:56,822
He rang me and he went,
"Mate. No!"
645
00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:58,168
I went, "What do you mean?"
646
00:26:58,306 --> 00:27:00,204
He went, "You can’t have
that car there."
647
00:27:00,342 --> 00:27:01,550
"Oh. Why not?"
648
00:27:01,689 --> 00:27:02,759
"It’s worth more than your
house, you stupid cunt,
649
00:27:02,897 --> 00:27:04,450
What are you doing?"
650
00:27:04,588 --> 00:27:06,107
I honestly said to him,
"Nah, it’s all right,
651
00:27:06,245 --> 00:27:08,868
no one’ll rob it.
Everyone likes me round here."
652
00:27:11,526 --> 00:27:13,252
"The police are fans."
653
00:27:17,877 --> 00:27:19,568
He went, "Mate, I can’t go to
insurance company
654
00:27:19,707 --> 00:27:22,779
and say no one’s gonna rob you
cos you’re sound."
655
00:27:23,745 --> 00:27:26,265
"Can you get it
in your garage?" I was like, "Er..."
656
00:27:26,403 --> 00:27:28,094
You couldn’t. My garage was
tiny.
657
00:27:28,232 --> 00:27:29,855
I couldn’t get
a fucking bike in it.
658
00:27:29,993 --> 00:27:31,339
So I had to lie
to the insurance company and tell them
659
00:27:31,477 --> 00:27:33,237
it was in the garage
when it wasn’t.
660
00:27:33,375 --> 00:27:35,067
Just leave it on the drive
and hope no one robbed it.
661
00:27:35,205 --> 00:27:37,621
It was terrifying. And no one
did rob it, to be fair.
662
00:27:37,759 --> 00:27:39,312
Do you know what
the worst issue I had
663
00:27:39,450 --> 00:27:41,660
with that car,
more than getting pulled over or anything?
664
00:27:41,798 --> 00:27:43,213
I couldn’t use it
a lot of the time
665
00:27:43,351 --> 00:27:45,008
because you don’t see cars
like that by mine, right?
666
00:27:45,146 --> 00:27:46,734
And what would happen is
I’d come out of my house
667
00:27:46,872 --> 00:27:48,114
to get in my car.
668
00:27:48,252 --> 00:27:51,014
Every kid off my estate would
be sat on my car
669
00:27:51,152 --> 00:27:54,155
with fucking balaclavas on
670
00:27:55,087 --> 00:27:58,780
filming fucking
TikTok rap videos.
671
00:27:58,918 --> 00:28:00,437
The cheeky bastards.
All over it, mate,
672
00:28:00,575 --> 00:28:03,785
just lounging on it, fucking...
one of them stood on the roof.
673
00:28:03,923 --> 00:28:05,960
The cheeky fucker just
spitting bars.
674
00:28:06,098 --> 00:28:08,376
Two of them wheelie past
on bikes.
675
00:28:08,514 --> 00:28:10,309
Fucking XL bullies everywhere.
676
00:28:17,350 --> 00:28:19,559
Fucking fuming, mate.
And I’m a shithouse as well.
677
00:28:19,698 --> 00:28:21,907
I’d walk out and see them
and go, "Yes, boys,
678
00:28:22,045 --> 00:28:23,356
that sounds absolutely sick."
679
00:28:23,494 --> 00:28:25,289
"I’ll get the bus.
Don’t worry about it."
680
00:28:29,052 --> 00:28:30,156
Then the fucking...
681
00:28:30,294 --> 00:28:31,675
Then the tax man
came after me as well.
682
00:28:31,813 --> 00:28:33,263
The fucking prick.
683
00:28:33,953 --> 00:28:35,403
Ah, mate. Fucking
what a knobhead.
684
00:28:35,541 --> 00:28:37,508
It was my fault,
to be fair. Like, I didn’t know.
685
00:28:37,646 --> 00:28:39,787
I think I assume it must
work the same way here.
686
00:28:39,925 --> 00:28:41,271
Like, if you’re self-employed,
687
00:28:41,409 --> 00:28:43,135
you’ve got to fucking
do your taxes and pay tax.
688
00:28:43,273 --> 00:28:45,447
I’d never been self-employed
before that, so I had no idea.
689
00:28:45,585 --> 00:28:47,760
When those fucking maths
people would give me the money,
690
00:28:47,898 --> 00:28:50,936
I thought that was wages,
mate, I spent it.
691
00:28:52,765 --> 00:28:54,284
Then next January
come after me going,
692
00:28:54,422 --> 00:28:56,320
"You owe us half that money."
I was like, what the fuck?
693
00:28:56,458 --> 00:28:59,220
What kind
of a stupid system is that?
694
00:28:59,358 --> 00:29:00,635
It’s like, I haven’t got it.
695
00:29:00,773 --> 00:29:01,774
He was like,
"We can see here you have
696
00:29:01,912 --> 00:29:03,017
a bright orange Lamborghini."
697
00:29:03,155 --> 00:29:07,055
I was like, "Oh, fuck you,
Instagram."
698
00:29:07,193 --> 00:29:09,437
I had to sell my orange
Lamborghini to pay a tax bill,
699
00:29:09,575 --> 00:29:11,750
which I understand is
a first-world problem,
700
00:29:11,888 --> 00:29:13,337
it is hard to feel sorry
for me there.
701
00:29:13,475 --> 00:29:15,546
But I was very upset about it,
and I think I’m allowed
702
00:29:15,684 --> 00:29:17,963
to be upset because that was
my fucking GTA car, that.
703
00:29:18,101 --> 00:29:19,412
That was my GTA car.
704
00:29:19,550 --> 00:29:21,173
I used to have that car
in Grand Theft Auto
705
00:29:21,311 --> 00:29:23,140
and had the little fur coat
on my character,
706
00:29:23,278 --> 00:29:26,005
so I bought the same fur coat
in real life.
707
00:29:27,213 --> 00:29:29,353
I was a pimp
on the estate for a bit,
708
00:29:29,491 --> 00:29:30,630
me, you know.
709
00:29:30,769 --> 00:29:32,771
You should have seen me
driving around that estate
710
00:29:32,909 --> 00:29:35,843
with a fur coat
on an orange Lamborghini.
711
00:29:36,809 --> 00:29:39,191
Just blasting Stevie Nicks.
712
00:29:39,329 --> 00:29:42,297
♪ Just like the
White-winged dove♪
713
00:29:44,092 --> 00:29:46,301
♪ Oh, baby♪
714
00:29:49,580 --> 00:29:51,375
Oh, God, I was flying.
715
00:29:51,962 --> 00:29:53,412
Now I say flying.
716
00:29:53,550 --> 00:29:56,691
I was the slowest car on that
estate by a long, long way.
717
00:29:57,209 --> 00:29:58,866
Can anyone tell me why?
718
00:29:59,004 --> 00:30:00,868
Speed bumps. Speed bumps.
Exactly.
719
00:30:01,006 --> 00:30:02,973
Didn’t think that through
either. Too many.
720
00:30:03,111 --> 00:30:04,423
So many speed bumps
around here.
721
00:30:04,561 --> 00:30:05,907
If you don’t know,
right, I’ll explain.
722
00:30:06,045 --> 00:30:07,564
A Lamborghini is
obviously a very low car.
723
00:30:07,702 --> 00:30:09,842
So you try and drive
that over the speed bump,
724
00:30:09,980 --> 00:30:11,430
you will fuck that up.
725
00:30:11,568 --> 00:30:14,571
It’s like trying to drive it
over your tits, Evelyn.
726
00:30:22,061 --> 00:30:23,166
Yeah. So, Lamborghini.
727
00:30:23,304 --> 00:30:24,788
So what you’ve got to do is,
right,
728
00:30:24,926 --> 00:30:26,307
if you if you want to drive
a Lamborghini over speed bumps,
729
00:30:26,445 --> 00:30:28,033
there’s a little button
on the dashboard
730
00:30:28,171 --> 00:30:29,344
you’ve got to press to lift
the front of the car up
731
00:30:29,482 --> 00:30:30,863
so you can go
over the speed bumps safely.
732
00:30:31,001 --> 00:30:33,624
Takes about 10 seconds.
So every 30 foot...
733
00:30:34,971 --> 00:30:37,801
In my Lamborghini with
my fur coat on.
734
00:30:37,939 --> 00:30:39,147
♪ Is that the...♪
735
00:31:00,375 --> 00:31:02,930
Fucking hell. What a nightmare.
736
00:31:03,068 --> 00:31:05,139
I was sad about that.
You know, I was really sad.
737
00:31:05,277 --> 00:31:06,588
It was really sad
losing that car.
738
00:31:06,726 --> 00:31:08,211
You look fucking stupid
on the bus in a fur coat,
739
00:31:08,349 --> 00:31:10,144
I’ll tell you that.
740
00:31:14,286 --> 00:31:17,358
Really bad. But I got...
I got depressed about it.
741
00:31:17,496 --> 00:31:20,292
I really did.
Like, I was so bad moping around for weeks,
742
00:31:20,430 --> 00:31:22,156
my missus got pissed off at me
in the end.
743
00:31:22,294 --> 00:31:23,467
Like, she really
lost her temper,
744
00:31:23,605 --> 00:31:25,124
which is weird because she’s
like...
745
00:31:25,262 --> 00:31:26,608
the thing is, I think
what annoyed her,
746
00:31:26,746 --> 00:31:28,300
she’s normally good at
snapping me out of stuff.
747
00:31:28,438 --> 00:31:30,405
My missus, she’s super...
She’s cool as fuck,
748
00:31:30,543 --> 00:31:32,338
my missus,
she’s dead good at it.
749
00:31:32,476 --> 00:31:35,031
She’s not... she’s not like a
softly, softly type of woman,
750
00:31:35,169 --> 00:31:38,275
my missus, she’s more
of a fucking get a grip.
751
00:31:38,413 --> 00:31:39,828
Which is good.
That’s exactly what I need.
752
00:31:39,967 --> 00:31:44,419
Yeah, I need that, man,
I need, I need a firm hand, me,
753
00:31:44,557 --> 00:31:46,145
I need a firm hand, I
need just telling,
754
00:31:46,283 --> 00:31:47,836
"Stop it,
you’re being a dickhead."
755
00:31:47,975 --> 00:31:50,425
I can’t have... some people
would respond to the other way,
756
00:31:50,563 --> 00:31:51,806
and that’s fine if that’s you.
757
00:31:51,944 --> 00:31:53,635
But I can’t have,
"Are you OK?"
758
00:31:53,773 --> 00:31:56,293
"Oh. Oh. Oh, are you OK?"
759
00:31:56,431 --> 00:31:57,570
Don’t do that shit with me.
760
00:31:57,708 --> 00:31:59,262
I will manipulate
the fuck out of that.
761
00:31:59,400 --> 00:32:02,472
Oh, mate, you don’t know
how bad your life will get
762
00:32:02,610 --> 00:32:04,681
if you start that shit with me.
You try that with me,
763
00:32:04,819 --> 00:32:07,408
I’ll be breastfeeding
in about seven minutes.
764
00:32:07,546 --> 00:32:10,687
I will be on your tit
and you will never get me off.
765
00:32:13,793 --> 00:32:17,107
I’m a weird guy. I’m a weird
guy.
766
00:32:21,663 --> 00:32:23,424
Even she couldn’t,
she couldn’t get me out of it.
767
00:32:23,562 --> 00:32:25,184
She couldn’t snap me
out of it. She lost her temper.
768
00:32:25,322 --> 00:32:26,668
She did. She really fucking...
she...
769
00:32:26,806 --> 00:32:28,291
After about three
or four weeks, she went,
770
00:32:28,429 --> 00:32:30,051
"Listen, I can’t hear
no more about this car."
771
00:32:30,189 --> 00:32:33,089
"And I know, I know you lost
the car and you’re sad about it,
772
00:32:33,227 --> 00:32:34,366
but it’s not
the end of the world."
773
00:32:34,504 --> 00:32:36,092
"People are still coming
to your shows,
774
00:32:36,230 --> 00:32:37,990
people are still
buying tickets. Just be a bit more sensible."
775
00:32:38,128 --> 00:32:39,647
"You’ll get another
Lamborghini one day."
776
00:32:39,785 --> 00:32:41,304
And that was great advice.
It really was.
777
00:32:41,442 --> 00:32:42,857
I really wish I was
in the right frame of mind
778
00:32:42,995 --> 00:32:46,136
to hear that at that point,
but I wasn’t there yet.
779
00:32:46,274 --> 00:32:49,484
I was feeling very dramatic.
I was...
780
00:32:52,418 --> 00:32:54,731
"I don’t know
how to be sensible."
781
00:32:54,869 --> 00:32:58,390
"I’m an impulsive person.
It’s part of my nature."
782
00:32:59,805 --> 00:33:01,496
"It’s my ADHD."
783
00:33:02,359 --> 00:33:05,259
I’ve self-diagnosed ADHD
off TikTok.
784
00:33:08,469 --> 00:33:11,265
A lot of other sufferers in,
I see.
785
00:33:12,335 --> 00:33:14,199
I had no idea
I had this affliction, mate.
786
00:33:14,337 --> 00:33:16,304
I’ve been walking around
my entire life not knowing.
787
00:33:16,442 --> 00:33:18,306
And I was just scrolling
one day, it said,
788
00:33:18,444 --> 00:33:19,549
"Do you get distracted easily?"
789
00:33:19,687 --> 00:33:21,137
"Do you not like
opening your letters?"
790
00:33:21,275 --> 00:33:24,243
I was like,
"I fucking knew I was disabled."
791
00:33:27,591 --> 00:33:30,491
I knew it!
Everything clicked into place.
792
00:33:30,629 --> 00:33:32,217
It makes so much sense.
And now do you know what?
793
00:33:32,355 --> 00:33:34,564
I’ll park
whatever the fuck I want now.
794
00:33:35,323 --> 00:33:36,497
Don’t give a fuck, mate.
795
00:33:36,635 --> 00:33:38,154
I’ll park in any
disabled parking spots
796
00:33:38,292 --> 00:33:39,500
in the supermarket car park.
I’m not arsed, mate.
797
00:33:39,638 --> 00:33:41,191
I’ll argue with any cunt
in a wheelchair.
798
00:33:41,329 --> 00:33:43,366
I don’t give a fuck.
I’ll just argue with them.
799
00:33:43,504 --> 00:33:45,092
I’m like, "What the fuck
are you looking at?"
800
00:33:45,230 --> 00:33:46,645
"Why are you looking
at me like that?"
801
00:33:46,783 --> 00:33:48,371
"Yes, I’m parking here.
Yes, I’m parking here."
802
00:33:48,509 --> 00:33:50,235
"Yes, yes, I’m parking here.
You’ve got wheels,
803
00:33:50,373 --> 00:33:52,961
you can roll
all the way over there."
804
00:33:53,100 --> 00:33:54,618
"I need to be close
to the supermarket."
805
00:33:54,756 --> 00:33:56,482
"I might get distracted
before I get there
806
00:33:56,620 --> 00:33:58,484
and forget why I’m going."
807
00:34:08,425 --> 00:34:11,394
"Not all disabilities
are visible. OK?"
808
00:34:14,707 --> 00:34:16,157
- What’s your name?
- James.
809
00:34:16,295 --> 00:34:18,539
Hello, James. You OK, James?
You had a good day?
810
00:34:18,677 --> 00:34:20,368
- Had a good day.
- You had a good day.
811
00:34:20,506 --> 00:34:21,714
What do you do, James?
812
00:34:21,852 --> 00:34:23,268
- I’m a student.
- You’re a student?
813
00:34:23,406 --> 00:34:25,615
- What are you studying, Jaymo?
- Sports therapy.
814
00:34:25,753 --> 00:34:26,857
Horse therapy.
815
00:34:31,931 --> 00:34:34,175
My head went
for a minute there, you know.
816
00:34:34,313 --> 00:34:37,351
I thought you said
horse therapy.
817
00:34:39,284 --> 00:34:42,563
Cos in your accent,
that sounds like a real job.
818
00:34:46,636 --> 00:34:49,846
I just get into
the mind of the horse.
819
00:34:52,262 --> 00:34:55,265
It’s just me and the steed.
820
00:35:01,444 --> 00:35:04,240
Fetlocks blowing in the wind.
821
00:35:12,282 --> 00:35:14,284
Sports therapy. Massage?
822
00:35:14,422 --> 00:35:17,874
- Yeah. Massage.
- Why didn’t you say massage?
823
00:35:18,012 --> 00:35:19,047
You don’t like saying massage?
824
00:35:19,186 --> 00:35:20,601
- Nah.
- Yeah.
825
00:35:20,739 --> 00:35:22,361
- It might sound a bit weird.
- It might sound a bit weird?
826
00:35:22,499 --> 00:35:23,673
That’s all right, mate.
827
00:35:23,811 --> 00:35:25,433
Everyone likes a massage,
don’t they?
828
00:35:25,571 --> 00:35:27,780
- They do.
- I do like a massage.
829
00:35:27,918 --> 00:35:29,989
But I always get a bit, ooh.
830
00:35:30,128 --> 00:35:32,199
I feel like I’m gonna get
a hard on, know what I mean.
831
00:35:32,337 --> 00:35:35,374
Like, if you were giving me
a massage, I’d get a hard on.
832
00:35:37,031 --> 00:35:38,274
That’s why I don’t like...
833
00:35:38,412 --> 00:35:39,758
Do you know what I think
is bang out of order?
834
00:35:39,896 --> 00:35:41,242
When they make them turn over
and do the front bit.
835
00:35:41,380 --> 00:35:42,519
I just think that’s
bang out of order,
836
00:35:42,657 --> 00:35:44,901
cos I’m enjoying
none of that shit.
837
00:35:45,039 --> 00:35:46,972
I’m just lying there going,
don’t get a hard on,
838
00:35:47,110 --> 00:35:48,146
don’t get a hard on.
839
00:35:48,284 --> 00:35:49,664
And your willy is
very disobedient
840
00:35:49,802 --> 00:35:51,942
when you tell him
not to do something.
841
00:35:52,840 --> 00:35:55,636
You ever had a fella
get a big hard on on you?
842
00:35:55,774 --> 00:35:57,396
- No. Not yet.
- Never? Not yet?
843
00:35:57,534 --> 00:36:00,296
Oh, you’re shit at your job,
you, like.
844
00:36:03,471 --> 00:36:06,302
How far up the thigh do you go?
845
00:36:06,440 --> 00:36:08,821
Next time,
just have a little...
846
00:36:09,477 --> 00:36:11,445
Just see if you can get a
little...
847
00:36:11,583 --> 00:36:12,963
You don’t want a full hard on.
848
00:36:13,101 --> 00:36:15,483
You just want a little
bip, hello.
849
00:36:15,621 --> 00:36:17,623
Hello. I’m here.
850
00:36:17,761 --> 00:36:20,799
Do you give them little undies?
The little net undies?
851
00:36:20,937 --> 00:36:22,387
- No.
- No. No.
852
00:36:22,525 --> 00:36:24,112
Oh. Oh, you’re not
allowed them.
853
00:36:24,251 --> 00:36:25,666
No, he’s not allowed.
854
00:36:25,804 --> 00:36:26,977
He’s not allowed to give
the little net undies out.
855
00:36:27,115 --> 00:36:28,462
- I hope not.
- Oh, he might.
856
00:36:28,600 --> 00:36:29,773
He comes back and says,
857
00:36:29,911 --> 00:36:31,603
"Yeah,
it was really, really casual."
858
00:36:31,741 --> 00:36:33,605
He comes back and says...
He’s not going to say, "Yeah,
859
00:36:33,743 --> 00:36:36,297
some fella got a hard on,
I had to finish him off."
860
00:36:36,435 --> 00:36:38,679
"Give me ú50 to suck him off."
861
00:36:46,100 --> 00:36:49,276
- Are you Mrs James, are you?
- I am Mrs James Murray.
862
00:36:49,414 --> 00:36:52,900
Mrs, James fucking official,
Mrs James Murray.
863
00:36:54,971 --> 00:36:56,110
- You m...
- The ring.
864
00:36:56,248 --> 00:36:57,353
You’ve got the ring.
Are you married?
865
00:36:57,491 --> 00:36:59,286
- No, I am not.
- Oh.
866
00:37:02,806 --> 00:37:05,015
I love how you went,
"No, I am not." And he went,
867
00:37:05,153 --> 00:37:08,398
"No." You went, "All right,
you fucking dickhead."
868
00:37:08,536 --> 00:37:11,263
How dare you say that
so strongly.
869
00:37:11,401 --> 00:37:12,989
You two shouldn’t be married.
870
00:37:13,127 --> 00:37:14,266
You’re too young to be...
How long have you been together?
871
00:37:14,404 --> 00:37:15,716
Two and a half.
872
00:37:15,854 --> 00:37:17,200
- Two years.
- Two and a bit.
873
00:37:17,338 --> 00:37:18,270
All right. Two years.
874
00:37:18,408 --> 00:37:19,478
Two years. That’s two.
875
00:37:19,616 --> 00:37:21,411
- How old are you, Jaymo?
- Twenty-one.
876
00:37:21,549 --> 00:37:23,620
Twenty-one? Yeah.
Don’t get married.
877
00:37:23,758 --> 00:37:27,348
You got about two girls
after her before you’re married.
878
00:37:31,421 --> 00:37:34,010
She’ll be in the bin soon, her.
879
00:37:34,148 --> 00:37:36,046
She won’t even let you
put fucking net undies
880
00:37:36,184 --> 00:37:38,290
on a fella.
She’s fucking jealous as fuck.
881
00:37:38,428 --> 00:37:39,705
Look at her. You can’t.
882
00:37:39,843 --> 00:37:41,500
That’s not gonna work, mate.
I’m sorry.
883
00:37:42,743 --> 00:37:44,676
- What’s your name?
- I’m Aisling.
884
00:37:44,814 --> 00:37:46,264
Aisling.
Nice to meet you, mate.
885
00:37:46,402 --> 00:37:48,058
You’re OK.
What do you do, Aisling?
886
00:37:48,196 --> 00:37:50,268
- OK, so.
- Fucking hell.
887
00:37:52,235 --> 00:37:54,030
Chapter one.
888
00:37:54,168 --> 00:37:57,792
Don’t marry her, lad.
She’s a pain in the arse, her.
889
00:38:02,314 --> 00:38:06,042
She’s an absolute headache,
mate.
890
00:38:06,180 --> 00:38:08,424
Here’s your vows. Say them.
891
00:38:09,632 --> 00:38:11,565
Make it look like
you mean it, James.
892
00:38:11,703 --> 00:38:14,740
This is my special day.
Not about you.
893
00:38:17,536 --> 00:38:19,607
Where’d you two meet?
At uni or somewhere?
894
00:38:19,745 --> 00:38:20,953
- College, yeah.
- In college? Yeah.
895
00:38:21,091 --> 00:38:23,301
Just bouncing about.
James bounced up.
896
00:38:23,439 --> 00:38:24,647
But I work in Subway.
897
00:38:24,785 --> 00:38:26,994
You work in Subway.
Sandwich artist?
898
00:38:27,132 --> 00:38:29,548
- Yeah!
- Hey.
899
00:38:30,308 --> 00:38:32,137
- Footlong.
- Footlong.
900
00:38:32,275 --> 00:38:34,312
Wahey!
901
00:38:42,009 --> 00:38:43,976
So you’re not living together
now. Who you living with?
902
00:38:44,114 --> 00:38:46,979
We stay in his house half the
week, my house half the week.
903
00:38:47,117 --> 00:38:49,741
OK, so you’ve both got
your own gaff?
904
00:38:49,879 --> 00:38:51,950
No, no.
Oh, you live with your mum?
905
00:38:52,088 --> 00:38:54,297
You live with your mum?
Oh, lovely.
906
00:38:54,435 --> 00:38:55,747
Yeah.
907
00:38:55,885 --> 00:38:58,301
Where do you do
most of your shagging?
908
00:38:58,439 --> 00:39:00,993
Cos she’s gotta be
a loud fuck, her.
909
00:39:03,513 --> 00:39:05,308
She can’t make
a sandwich quietly.
910
00:39:05,446 --> 00:39:07,759
She’s got a dick in her.
911
00:39:07,897 --> 00:39:11,003
Especially with your little
massage elbows in it.
912
00:39:11,141 --> 00:39:14,973
"Oh, fucking hell, James,
you fucking do me right there,
913
00:39:15,111 --> 00:39:16,630
you know."
914
00:39:18,286 --> 00:39:21,945
"Aisling, is that you getting
fucking riled up there?"
915
00:39:22,083 --> 00:39:27,157
"No, Mammy,
we’re watching a film."
916
00:39:35,476 --> 00:39:38,962
I miss that. I’m fucking great,
but shush-fucking, bossing it.
917
00:39:39,100 --> 00:39:42,725
When you live with your ma
you’re like, "Sh-sh-sh!"
918
00:39:42,863 --> 00:39:46,384
"Aisling, sh-sh-sh-sh-sh."
919
00:39:47,626 --> 00:39:49,732
"You need to fucking shush."
920
00:39:49,870 --> 00:39:52,804
"Get on the floor, the bed’s
too noisy, get on the floor."
921
00:39:53,908 --> 00:39:57,464
Yes, Aisling!
Fucked on the floor, yeah.
922
00:39:58,257 --> 00:40:01,675
Little quilt down
for your knees and that.
923
00:40:04,194 --> 00:40:05,955
Do you know what really
worries me, right?
924
00:40:06,093 --> 00:40:09,096
It’s, like, I’ve got kids
and I’ve got...
925
00:40:09,234 --> 00:40:11,995
I’ve got two boys, 12 and nine.
And my nine year old,
926
00:40:12,133 --> 00:40:15,689
I popped up on his YouTube
suggested the other week.
927
00:40:16,586 --> 00:40:17,967
It’s bad, that.
928
00:40:18,105 --> 00:40:19,727
Bad parenting
by their iPad, isn’t it, really?
929
00:40:19,865 --> 00:40:21,211
Like, it shouldn’t
have done that.
930
00:40:21,349 --> 00:40:23,593
I was fucking very pissed off
with it, to be honest.
931
00:40:23,731 --> 00:40:25,077
He was made up.
932
00:40:25,215 --> 00:40:27,666
He was like, "Look,
Daddy, you’re a YouTuber."
933
00:40:28,391 --> 00:40:30,117
Go and fuck yourself.
934
00:40:32,395 --> 00:40:33,948
I am an artist.
935
00:40:39,471 --> 00:40:42,025
No, I do worry about that.
It’s going to embarrass him.
936
00:40:42,163 --> 00:40:44,649
Like, if I’m popping up on his,
it means I’m popping up
937
00:40:44,787 --> 00:40:46,547
on his mates in school,
which he thinks is cool,
938
00:40:46,685 --> 00:40:48,963
but it’s going to... like,
it’ll be cool for a minute
939
00:40:49,101 --> 00:40:51,069
and then I’ll say something
that’s going to embarrass him,
940
00:40:51,207 --> 00:40:53,174
and he’ll just be
embarrassed by me
941
00:40:53,312 --> 00:40:54,728
for years and years and years.
942
00:40:54,866 --> 00:40:56,350
And I know that’s true
cos I’ve had this before.
943
00:40:56,488 --> 00:40:57,938
I’ve been through it.
Like, I’ve got older stepkids,
944
00:40:58,076 --> 00:40:59,664
and they thought I was
cool as fuck for a minute.
945
00:40:59,802 --> 00:41:01,700
And then I started saying
some funny stuff
946
00:41:01,838 --> 00:41:03,978
about them on the internet.
947
00:41:08,431 --> 00:41:10,778
And now I’m an embarrassment.
948
00:41:11,641 --> 00:41:14,264
I mean, fuck them anyway,
to be fair.
949
00:41:15,818 --> 00:41:16,991
Yeah. Some claps there.
950
00:41:17,129 --> 00:41:21,064
We got some stepparents in.
Fuck stepkids!
951
00:41:23,273 --> 00:41:25,344
I love them and that,
but fuck them, man.
952
00:41:25,483 --> 00:41:28,693
Like, it’s such a shitty deal,
stepparenting.
953
00:41:28,831 --> 00:41:31,558
It really fucking is.
It’s such a thankless task.
954
00:41:31,696 --> 00:41:34,940
You don’t get
any thanks at all. Like, you don’t even get a day.
955
00:41:35,078 --> 00:41:37,460
Like, like, you get Fathers Day
and Mothers Day.
956
00:41:37,598 --> 00:41:40,014
We don’t get a fucking day.
We don’t get a day.
957
00:41:40,152 --> 00:41:42,154
And I know some of you will be
thinking, "You get a card."
958
00:41:42,292 --> 00:41:43,846
"You’ll get a card
on Father’s Day."
959
00:41:43,984 --> 00:41:45,813
Yes, I got a card on
Father’s Day, but I felt like
960
00:41:45,951 --> 00:41:48,575
scrunching it up and saying,
"Shove it up your arse,
961
00:41:48,713 --> 00:41:50,646
you ungrateful little cunts."
962
00:41:50,784 --> 00:41:53,200
"I know what your mum’s
handwriting looks like."
963
00:41:57,653 --> 00:41:59,206
Her kids are older
than mine as well.
964
00:41:59,344 --> 00:42:01,001
Like I’ve said,
mine are 12 and nine,
965
00:42:01,139 --> 00:42:03,175
my two boys. She’s got
a 20-year-old girl,
966
00:42:03,313 --> 00:42:05,039
a 19-year-old lad
and an eight-year-old girl.
967
00:42:05,177 --> 00:42:07,732
Cos she was a slag
when she was younger.
968
00:42:13,289 --> 00:42:16,085
So I’ve got thrown in
the deep end there, me.
969
00:42:16,223 --> 00:42:17,431
It’s not fair.
970
00:42:17,569 --> 00:42:19,122
Like, we’ve been
together six years, me and her,
971
00:42:19,260 --> 00:42:21,573
so parent-wise, I’ve gone
straight in a teenager.
972
00:42:21,711 --> 00:42:22,919
No run up. Nothing.
973
00:42:23,057 --> 00:42:25,646
Just fucking straight in.
Parent a teenager.
974
00:42:25,784 --> 00:42:26,889
Out the box.
975
00:42:27,027 --> 00:42:28,580
Impossible. Can’t do it.
976
00:42:28,718 --> 00:42:30,893
I still haven’t got it right.
I’ve never done it right.
977
00:42:31,031 --> 00:42:33,309
If anyone in here
has managed to fucking
978
00:42:33,447 --> 00:42:35,829
get this correct at any point,
please do let me know.
979
00:42:35,967 --> 00:42:38,694
Because as far as I can see,
there is no successful way
980
00:42:38,832 --> 00:42:40,350
to parent a modern teenager.
981
00:42:40,488 --> 00:42:42,214
Everything I do makes it worse.
I can’t ask them anything.
982
00:42:42,352 --> 00:42:44,354
I can’t ask them
the simplest little requests
983
00:42:44,492 --> 00:42:48,704
without being met with...
984
00:42:48,842 --> 00:42:52,846
"I can’t go to the shop.
I’ve got anxiety."
985
00:43:00,094 --> 00:43:01,130
"Oh, no."
986
00:43:01,268 --> 00:43:02,787
"Oh, no.
I couldn’t possibly get a job."
987
00:43:02,925 --> 00:43:05,583
"They don’t recognize
my identity as a badger."
988
00:43:16,766 --> 00:43:18,250
It’s like, "Sound."
989
00:43:18,388 --> 00:43:20,874
"I’ll just pay forever then,
shall I?"
990
00:43:22,289 --> 00:43:25,603
And I’ll say this,
this is a controversial opinion
991
00:43:25,741 --> 00:43:26,811
and this will
get some backlash.
992
00:43:26,949 --> 00:43:28,364
You know what?
Don’t give a fuck.
993
00:43:28,502 --> 00:43:30,987
I’ll stand by this one.
I truly believe this. Right?
994
00:43:31,125 --> 00:43:32,540
This is for... I’ve got...
995
00:43:32,679 --> 00:43:34,335
I’ve got two boys.
She’s got two girls and a boy.
996
00:43:34,473 --> 00:43:39,893
Controversial opinion.
Girls are fucking horrible.
997
00:43:45,415 --> 00:43:48,142
Horrible, evil bastards.
998
00:43:50,317 --> 00:43:52,837
I want to be clear, by the way,
before it goes too far,
999
00:43:52,975 --> 00:43:54,355
I’m not saying women.
1000
00:43:54,493 --> 00:43:56,150
I’m not saying, like,
I’m not trying to start
1001
00:43:56,288 --> 00:43:59,913
some weird Andrew Tate fucking
rally before it goes bad here.
1002
00:44:00,051 --> 00:44:01,708
Paul Smith saying
he hates women.
1003
00:44:01,846 --> 00:44:03,641
"Snakes with tits.
He said snakes with tits."
1004
00:44:03,779 --> 00:44:05,435
"Not to be trusted."
1005
00:44:06,747 --> 00:44:08,024
That’s not what I’m saying.
1006
00:44:08,162 --> 00:44:10,302
All I’m saying is,
in sheer parenting terms,
1007
00:44:10,440 --> 00:44:12,788
girls are more difficult
to deal with than boys.
1008
00:44:12,926 --> 00:44:14,237
And I think that’s true.
1009
00:44:14,375 --> 00:44:15,756
And I think I know
there’s probably exceptions
1010
00:44:15,894 --> 00:44:17,551
to that rule.
1011
00:44:17,689 --> 00:44:19,139
But in general, I think it’s
quite widely accepted that girls
1012
00:44:19,277 --> 00:44:20,761
are more difficult to deal with
than boys.
1013
00:44:20,899 --> 00:44:22,314
And I have a theory
as to why.
1014
00:44:22,452 --> 00:44:26,180
Here’s my theory as to why.
Boys are thick as fuck.
1015
00:44:30,495 --> 00:44:32,773
Thick is fuck. All of us.
1016
00:44:32,911 --> 00:44:34,672
I’m not excluding myself
from that either.
1017
00:44:34,810 --> 00:44:36,604
We are all thick as fuck.
1018
00:44:36,743 --> 00:44:37,951
Every single one of us.
1019
00:44:38,089 --> 00:44:39,262
I don’t think we get
any more intelligent
1020
00:44:39,400 --> 00:44:42,956
from about the age of three
until we die.
1021
00:44:44,095 --> 00:44:46,787
I think we’re just
the same idiot toddler
1022
00:44:46,925 --> 00:44:49,272
in a slightly older,
flabbier body.
1023
00:44:49,410 --> 00:44:50,826
And then we die.
1024
00:44:50,964 --> 00:44:53,173
And the thing about men is,
the tricky thing is,
1025
00:44:53,311 --> 00:44:54,899
some of us are good at
pretending we’re not thick.
1026
00:44:55,037 --> 00:44:56,659
That’s the thing. Some of us
are really good at it.
1027
00:44:56,797 --> 00:45:00,421
Some fellas can pretend
they’re surgeons and pilots
1028
00:45:00,559 --> 00:45:02,078
for a short period of time.
1029
00:45:02,216 --> 00:45:04,529
Every man in here knows,
though, if you get any group of men
1030
00:45:04,667 --> 00:45:06,186
together with no females about,
1031
00:45:06,324 --> 00:45:10,224
it just immediately
becomes, "Willies!"
1032
00:45:11,363 --> 00:45:14,228
Just fucking kicking
each other and shit.
1033
00:45:16,472 --> 00:45:17,991
Fucking stupid.
1034
00:45:18,129 --> 00:45:19,717
Doesn’t matter who it is.
the most sensible man you know,
1035
00:45:19,855 --> 00:45:21,442
be kicking his mate,
doesn’t matter.
1036
00:45:21,580 --> 00:45:24,618
And I think that’s beautiful.
And it should be cherished.
1037
00:45:24,756 --> 00:45:25,688
It should.
1038
00:45:25,826 --> 00:45:27,207
Cos girls come out of the womb
1039
00:45:27,345 --> 00:45:29,071
looking for fucking angles,
mate.
1040
00:45:29,209 --> 00:45:32,419
They come out of the womb lying
and cheating and manipulating
1041
00:45:32,557 --> 00:45:33,972
and stealing and shit.
1042
00:45:34,110 --> 00:45:35,491
Do you know, being
in a house with two girls
1043
00:45:35,629 --> 00:45:37,769
and a mum is like being
in fucking Game of Thrones.
1044
00:45:37,907 --> 00:45:39,322
Mate, it’s terrifying.
1045
00:45:39,460 --> 00:45:40,599
Scared and terrified.
1046
00:45:40,738 --> 00:45:42,291
Like, you’re on edge.
You’re in the house,
1047
00:45:42,429 --> 00:45:43,913
you’re trying to have
a cup of tea in the kitchen,
1048
00:45:44,051 --> 00:45:46,295
and you can’t settle
cos there’s conflict.
1049
00:45:46,433 --> 00:45:48,815
There’s always conflict,
and it’s always unresolved
1050
00:45:48,953 --> 00:45:50,299
cos no one talks it out.
1051
00:45:50,437 --> 00:45:53,854
You just work in the shadows
to undermine each other.
1052
00:45:53,992 --> 00:45:56,063
And it’s always me
getting dragged into it.
1053
00:45:56,201 --> 00:45:58,410
I’m sat there trying to trying
to mind my own business
1054
00:45:58,548 --> 00:45:59,860
and one of them
will walk in the kitchen.
1055
00:45:59,998 --> 00:46:00,965
It doesn’t matter
which one it is.
1056
00:46:01,103 --> 00:46:02,242
They’ll walk in and be like,
1057
00:46:02,380 --> 00:46:04,416
"Come and hear
what this bitch has done."
1058
00:46:06,418 --> 00:46:10,319
I’m like,
"Oh, fucking hell, no. I don’t want to get involved."
1059
00:46:10,457 --> 00:46:11,872
"I’m just trying
to have a cup of tea."
1060
00:46:12,010 --> 00:46:13,425
"Just trying and have
a cup of tea in peace."
1061
00:46:13,563 --> 00:46:15,255
"I’m Switzerland, mate.
I’m staying out of it."
1062
00:46:15,393 --> 00:46:17,498
"No, you need to hear this.
It’s absolutely outrageous."
1063
00:46:17,636 --> 00:46:20,950
"I’d rather not know."
"No, you need to be on my side."
1064
00:46:21,088 --> 00:46:22,987
"I don’t want to be on your"
side.
1065
00:46:23,125 --> 00:46:26,645
"No, you need to be
on my side."
1066
00:46:27,094 --> 00:46:29,787
"You’re eight.
Will you fuck off?"
1067
00:46:36,138 --> 00:46:38,623
Honestly, it’s scary, man.
I’m scared of them.
1068
00:46:38,761 --> 00:46:40,867
I’m scared of them all.
1069
00:46:41,005 --> 00:46:43,076
Like, I thought there was
a light at the end
1070
00:46:43,214 --> 00:46:44,491
of the tunnel as well.
1071
00:46:44,629 --> 00:46:45,595
Then there’s not.
Like, Leah’s 20 now.
1072
00:46:45,733 --> 00:46:47,045
She’s still a bitch.
1073
00:46:47,183 --> 00:46:48,771
Still a bitch. And I...
Do you know what?
1074
00:46:48,909 --> 00:46:51,463
In fairness, I’ll say 90%
of the time we get on very well.
1075
00:46:51,601 --> 00:46:53,465
Get on like a house on fire.
Talk all the time.
1076
00:46:53,603 --> 00:46:55,536
Have a lovely time.
10% of the time...
1077
00:46:55,674 --> 00:46:57,953
and I don’t know
when this 10% is going to be,
1078
00:46:58,091 --> 00:47:01,715
she will just ruin my day
on purpose for no reason.
1079
00:47:01,853 --> 00:47:04,062
I thought it was me at first.
And it’s fucking not me.
1080
00:47:04,200 --> 00:47:05,374
It’s just she’s having
a bad day
1081
00:47:05,512 --> 00:47:07,238
so I’ve got to have
a fucking bad day.
1082
00:47:07,376 --> 00:47:09,516
And the thing is, I’m obviously
quite angry about this shit.
1083
00:47:09,654 --> 00:47:12,174
A lot of my anger comes
from the fact that deep down,
1084
00:47:12,312 --> 00:47:14,901
I know I’m not intelligent
enough to understand
1085
00:47:15,039 --> 00:47:17,213
the complexity of her behavior.
1086
00:47:19,319 --> 00:47:20,699
So I can’t get out the way, me.
1087
00:47:20,838 --> 00:47:22,874
I just can’t see it coming.
Like, her mum sees it.
1088
00:47:23,012 --> 00:47:25,118
Somehow she knows,
like she can smell it,
1089
00:47:25,256 --> 00:47:27,948
and she just fucks off into
the bathroom or something.
1090
00:47:28,086 --> 00:47:30,882
And I’m just left there in
the living room like a knobhead.
1091
00:47:31,020 --> 00:47:33,091
Just, like, unaware
of what’s going on.
1092
00:47:33,229 --> 00:47:36,923
"Is everything OK?"
"Fuck off."
1093
00:47:39,028 --> 00:47:40,271
I can’t escape, mate.
1094
00:47:40,409 --> 00:47:42,273
And the worst thing
about it is I can’t...
1095
00:47:42,411 --> 00:47:43,791
Like, I travel all the time.
1096
00:47:43,930 --> 00:47:45,621
If I’m not there,
she’ll ring me up and do it.
1097
00:47:45,759 --> 00:47:47,450
I’m not safe.
I’m not safe anywhere.
1098
00:47:47,588 --> 00:47:49,970
She’ll call me up and do it.
Anywhere in the world,
1099
00:47:50,108 --> 00:47:51,489
she can get me.
1100
00:47:51,627 --> 00:47:54,699
And I never see it coming.
Like, not long ago
1101
00:47:54,837 --> 00:47:56,011
I was away, I was doing a show.
1102
00:47:56,149 --> 00:47:57,495
I was in a hotel,
I was having breakfast.
1103
00:47:57,633 --> 00:47:59,083
I was on my own.
1104
00:47:59,221 --> 00:48:00,843
I was chilling, having a nice,
lovely morning to myself.
1105
00:48:00,981 --> 00:48:02,603
Phone goes.
I’ve answered it, obviously.
1106
00:48:02,741 --> 00:48:06,711
And she was like, "Hiya,"
cos she’s a fucking ninja, mate.
1107
00:48:06,849 --> 00:48:12,406
You never you never see it
coming till it’s too late.
1108
00:48:14,098 --> 00:48:17,239
"Hiya!" I went, "How are you,
bab, you OK?"
1109
00:48:17,377 --> 00:48:18,757
She went, "Yeah.
What are you doing?"
1110
00:48:18,896 --> 00:48:19,931
"I’m just having a sandwich.
What are you doing?"
1111
00:48:20,069 --> 00:48:21,415
She went...
1112
00:48:28,491 --> 00:48:30,873
"I’m not feeling too good,
you know?"
1113
00:48:31,563 --> 00:48:34,428
And I went, "Oh, why?"
She went...
1114
00:48:35,153 --> 00:48:38,087
"I’m on a really heavy flow."
1115
00:48:39,226 --> 00:48:42,747
And then she hung
the fucking phone up.
1116
00:48:42,885 --> 00:48:45,474
There was no question.
1117
00:48:45,612 --> 00:48:48,339
She told me that information
and fucked off. Why?
1118
00:48:48,477 --> 00:48:51,859
Why? What can I do about that?
She knows what she’s doing.
1119
00:48:51,998 --> 00:48:55,173
She’s having a bad day, so my
day is gonna be fucking ruined.
1120
00:48:55,311 --> 00:48:56,623
And ruin it, she did, mate.
1121
00:48:56,761 --> 00:49:01,076
I was devastated.
Sat there in a hotel on my own,
1122
00:49:01,214 --> 00:49:02,663
fucking just gutted.
1123
00:49:02,801 --> 00:49:04,217
Gutted. Looking down thinking,
1124
00:49:04,355 --> 00:49:07,116
"Well, that’s that bacon butty
ruined, isn’t it?"
1125
00:49:11,258 --> 00:49:14,192
"I am never having ketchup
on one of these again."
1126
00:49:27,965 --> 00:49:29,725
Boys are easier.
1127
00:49:30,450 --> 00:49:31,520
They are, the boys are easier.
1128
00:49:31,658 --> 00:49:32,900
And I’ve tested that
extensively.
1129
00:49:33,039 --> 00:49:35,144
As I said, I’ve got
my two boys.
1130
00:49:35,282 --> 00:49:36,663
Like, my 12-year-old.
1131
00:49:36,801 --> 00:49:38,492
He’s challenging.
He’s non-verbal, autistic.
1132
00:49:38,630 --> 00:49:40,391
He can be a cunt, man.
1133
00:49:40,529 --> 00:49:43,394
Don’t, "Ooh," that, by the way.
I hate when people do that.
1134
00:49:43,532 --> 00:49:45,189
If you disagree with that
comment, I’ll bring him
1135
00:49:45,327 --> 00:49:47,708
to your house
and let him shit on your walls.
1136
00:49:51,712 --> 00:49:53,059
He’s challenging,
but he’s fine.
1137
00:49:53,197 --> 00:49:54,232
We get on dead well,
you know what I mean.
1138
00:49:54,370 --> 00:49:55,682
We’ve got our ways and that.
1139
00:49:55,820 --> 00:49:57,960
The little nine-year-old,
he’s being raised
1140
00:49:58,098 --> 00:49:59,582
by his iPad as I said.
1141
00:50:01,136 --> 00:50:02,275
And my stepson as well.
1142
00:50:02,413 --> 00:50:03,931
Like, he came
to live with me last year.
1143
00:50:04,070 --> 00:50:05,623
My stepson, he moved out of
his mum’s, came live with me.
1144
00:50:05,761 --> 00:50:07,487
Cos we don’t live together,
I should explain that
1145
00:50:07,625 --> 00:50:10,283
because people always
ask me after the show.
1146
00:50:10,421 --> 00:50:12,975
She lives in Torquay, which is
on the south coast of England.
1147
00:50:13,113 --> 00:50:15,081
I live in Liverpool, 252...
1148
00:50:15,219 --> 00:50:19,085
Is someone from Torquay in?
Yay.
1149
00:50:19,223 --> 00:50:21,466
Beautiful place.
You might know my wife.
1150
00:50:22,502 --> 00:50:25,125
That might be my wife.
She’s quite...
1151
00:50:25,263 --> 00:50:27,610
She’s quite gruff.
She’s got big hands.
1152
00:50:33,547 --> 00:50:35,342
I’m laughing,
but she has, like.
1153
00:50:35,480 --> 00:50:37,137
I can’t... I can’t even get
a wank off her.
1154
00:50:37,275 --> 00:50:38,828
It’s embarrassing.
1155
00:50:45,525 --> 00:50:49,425
No, we live 252 miles apart,
1156
00:50:49,563 --> 00:50:50,978
and it’s fucking incredible.
1157
00:50:51,117 --> 00:50:52,601
And I want to...
I just want to state this.
1158
00:50:52,739 --> 00:50:54,706
I just... as a little aside
to the show.
1159
00:50:54,844 --> 00:50:57,433
If anyone is thinking
about getting into
1160
00:50:57,571 --> 00:51:00,022
something long distance, do it.
1161
00:51:00,160 --> 00:51:01,748
I didn’t know
how good it could be.
1162
00:51:01,886 --> 00:51:04,337
Like, I’ve got to thank my wife
for this, man, because we met
1163
00:51:04,475 --> 00:51:06,270
and I was like, I don’t think
this is going to work.
1164
00:51:06,408 --> 00:51:07,581
We live too far apart.
1165
00:51:07,719 --> 00:51:08,755
She was like,
let’s give it a chance.
1166
00:51:08,893 --> 00:51:10,136
And give it a chance we did.
1167
00:51:10,274 --> 00:51:11,378
And it’s the best thing
I’ve ever done
1168
00:51:11,516 --> 00:51:12,724
because you’ve got
your own house,
1169
00:51:12,862 --> 00:51:14,209
so you got your own space.
1170
00:51:14,347 --> 00:51:15,831
You don’t argue about
normal shit like dishes
1171
00:51:15,969 --> 00:51:17,350
and washing and all that shit.
1172
00:51:17,488 --> 00:51:19,317
And then when you do...
when you do have an argument,
1173
00:51:19,455 --> 00:51:21,008
you’re like, "Fuck off."
1174
00:51:21,147 --> 00:51:22,527
And the other one’s like,
"Sound. I’ll see you next week
1175
00:51:22,665 --> 00:51:24,529
when you’ve calmed down."
Just fuck off.
1176
00:51:24,667 --> 00:51:26,842
You just fuck off.
They got no power.
1177
00:51:26,980 --> 00:51:28,361
And when you do get together,
1178
00:51:28,499 --> 00:51:30,052
you’re happy to see each other
and stuff like that.
1179
00:51:30,190 --> 00:51:31,467
It’s just good for
the relationship.
1180
00:51:31,605 --> 00:51:33,193
You know what?
I know my relationship’s good
1181
00:51:33,331 --> 00:51:34,919
cos even when she
doesn’t want to have sex,
1182
00:51:35,057 --> 00:51:36,817
she lets me wank on her leg.
1183
00:51:45,826 --> 00:51:49,554
Tell me that’s not love.
Tell me that’s not love.
1184
00:51:49,692 --> 00:51:52,109
If that’s not love,
I don’t know what love is.
1185
00:51:52,247 --> 00:51:54,490
If you’re in a relationship
and you’re in the mood
1186
00:51:54,628 --> 00:51:56,009
and she’s not in the mood
and she doesn’t stick
1187
00:51:56,147 --> 00:51:58,045
her little bum out and go,
"You’re wiping it off,"
1188
00:51:58,184 --> 00:51:59,909
I just think you’ve
got problems, that’s all I’m saying.
1189
00:52:00,047 --> 00:52:02,602
You do that for him,
wouldn’t you, girl? Evelyn?
1190
00:52:02,740 --> 00:52:04,397
Yes.
Your dad gets a little...
1191
00:52:04,535 --> 00:52:06,399
A little... jizz on your
mum’s bum all the time.
1192
00:52:06,537 --> 00:52:07,779
You could have been
on your mum’s bum.
1193
00:52:07,917 --> 00:52:10,127
You’re just lucky
you got in there.
1194
00:52:28,869 --> 00:52:30,664
Boys are easier.
1195
00:52:35,082 --> 00:52:36,670
Yeah. Yeah.
1196
00:52:36,808 --> 00:52:39,328
Yeah.
He come to live with me, man.
1197
00:52:39,466 --> 00:52:40,847
He’s a knobhead,
don’t get me wrong.
1198
00:52:40,985 --> 00:52:43,160
But I understand, like, he’s
just a little, like,
1199
00:52:43,298 --> 00:52:44,368
we’re all thick.
1200
00:52:44,506 --> 00:52:45,921
So as long as you keep that
in mind,
1201
00:52:46,059 --> 00:52:49,027
it’s like everything else
kind of falls into place.
1202
00:52:49,166 --> 00:52:50,581
Like, he come to live with me.
1203
00:52:50,719 --> 00:52:52,203
He come to live with me
because he wants to be a, uh...
1204
00:52:52,341 --> 00:52:54,550
Liverpool’s a bigger city
and he wants to go to college.
1205
00:52:54,688 --> 00:52:57,450
He wants to be a musician.
He wants to be a rapper.
1206
00:52:58,002 --> 00:52:59,314
Yeah, yeah.
1207
00:52:59,452 --> 00:53:01,868
Cos I mean, you haven’t
heard him, obviously.
1208
00:53:05,458 --> 00:53:07,045
No I’m joking.
1209
00:53:07,184 --> 00:53:09,116
He’s actually decent
and it’s surprising he’s decent
1210
00:53:09,255 --> 00:53:10,670
because he’s a rapper
from Devon.
1211
00:53:10,808 --> 00:53:13,017
And I don’t know if you here
in Dublin will be aware
1212
00:53:13,155 --> 00:53:15,675
of how much of
a fucking hill that is to climb.
1213
00:53:15,813 --> 00:53:17,608
I think he’s
the only one, mate.
1214
00:53:17,746 --> 00:53:21,301
It’s a mad accent.
He sounds like a fucking pirate.
1215
00:53:21,439 --> 00:53:23,200
He does not like
when I call him Sconye West,
1216
00:53:23,338 --> 00:53:24,925
I will tell you that.
1217
00:53:28,066 --> 00:53:29,447
I’ve got to be fair as well
1218
00:53:29,585 --> 00:53:31,173
to the people of Devon,
it’s not even full Devon.
1219
00:53:31,311 --> 00:53:32,416
Like, his mum’s...
1220
00:53:32,554 --> 00:53:34,176
He’s got the maddest
accent ever.
1221
00:53:34,314 --> 00:53:35,902
Like his mum’s from Birmingham,
his mum’s a Brummie, right.
1222
00:53:36,040 --> 00:53:38,663
A lot of people don’t find
the Birmingham accent sexy
1223
00:53:38,801 --> 00:53:40,424
but she’s got, like, gypsy
blood.
1224
00:53:40,562 --> 00:53:41,942
So she’s like a real-life
Peaky Blinder.
1225
00:53:42,080 --> 00:53:44,255
And I don’t know
why I find that attractive.
1226
00:53:44,393 --> 00:53:46,499
Yeah, mate.
First time I met her,
1227
00:53:46,637 --> 00:53:48,363
I imagined shagging her
and she’d be like,
1228
00:53:48,501 --> 00:53:50,675
"No fucking fighting."
1229
00:53:54,990 --> 00:53:56,750
I was like, "Oh."
1230
00:53:59,132 --> 00:54:00,961
"You peg away, girl."
1231
00:54:05,449 --> 00:54:07,451
Yeah. She’s got loads...
1232
00:54:07,589 --> 00:54:09,038
So he’s got a bit of Brummie
in there.
1233
00:54:09,176 --> 00:54:10,281
He’s got Devon in it.
1234
00:54:10,419 --> 00:54:11,834
And as if that wasn’t
mad enough,
1235
00:54:11,972 --> 00:54:14,665
like a mad mix, on his own
over the last couple of years,
1236
00:54:14,803 --> 00:54:19,256
he just added in
loads of, like, London gangster Roadman.
1237
00:54:19,394 --> 00:54:20,602
So it’s fucked, man.
1238
00:54:20,740 --> 00:54:22,362
And I’m trying my best.
I just step in.
1239
00:54:22,500 --> 00:54:23,605
You do try your best.
1240
00:54:23,743 --> 00:54:24,916
I’m trying
to be a good role model.
1241
00:54:25,054 --> 00:54:26,193
I’m trying to be
a good stepdad to him.
1242
00:54:26,332 --> 00:54:27,919
Like, we went away
not long ago
1243
00:54:28,057 --> 00:54:29,438
and he stayed in the house.
1244
00:54:29,576 --> 00:54:31,095
He’s watching the dogs for us
and stuff like that.
1245
00:54:31,233 --> 00:54:32,993
So usually in that situation
I’d buy him loads of shopping.
1246
00:54:33,131 --> 00:54:35,893
So he’s got he’s got food in
for him and the dogs, right.
1247
00:54:36,031 --> 00:54:39,206
But I worry
that he’s fucking thick, right?
1248
00:54:39,345 --> 00:54:40,553
And he’s going to go off to uni
1249
00:54:40,691 --> 00:54:41,899
and he’s not going to be able
to manage.
1250
00:54:42,037 --> 00:54:43,210
So I’ll just put some money
in his bank
1251
00:54:43,349 --> 00:54:44,453
and let him manage
his own money,
1252
00:54:44,591 --> 00:54:45,937
and I’ll sit him down
1253
00:54:46,075 --> 00:54:47,525
and I’ll have a man-to-man
conversation with him
1254
00:54:47,663 --> 00:54:49,044
and I’ll treat him
with some respect. Right?
1255
00:54:49,182 --> 00:54:51,391
So I sat him down and went,
"Right. Listen, Ben. Ben."
1256
00:54:51,529 --> 00:54:54,360
"Ben, pause your game. Right."
1257
00:54:54,498 --> 00:54:56,085
"I put some money
in your bank there, right?"
1258
00:54:56,223 --> 00:54:59,882
"That is for you and the dogs
for shopping for the whole week,
1259
00:55:00,020 --> 00:55:03,955
do you understand?
That’s for food."
1260
00:55:04,093 --> 00:55:05,612
"That is not for you
to go and get pissed
1261
00:55:05,750 --> 00:55:07,062
with your little mates."
1262
00:55:07,200 --> 00:55:08,581
"Do you understand?"
He’s like, "No way, bro."
1263
00:55:08,719 --> 00:55:10,962
"Wouldn’t do that man.
Respect you fam."
1264
00:55:22,698 --> 00:55:24,493
So I told his mum,
"Listen, he’s all right."
1265
00:55:24,631 --> 00:55:26,392
"He’s got some money
in his bank there."
1266
00:55:26,530 --> 00:55:27,876
She went,
"You haven’t given the money? Why’ve you done that?"
1267
00:55:28,014 --> 00:55:29,602
"He’ll just go
and get pissed with it."
1268
00:55:29,740 --> 00:55:30,982
I went, "He won’t, actually,
we’ve had a chat."
1269
00:55:31,120 --> 00:55:34,296
"He respects me."
So we went off on our trip.
1270
00:55:34,434 --> 00:55:37,506
We went out the first night,
had a little meal, some wine.
1271
00:55:37,644 --> 00:55:38,956
Had a lovely time.
1272
00:55:39,094 --> 00:55:40,785
Got back to the hotel
about midnight. Phone goes.
1273
00:55:40,923 --> 00:55:43,581
I’ve answered it, obviously.
Very cockily as well,
1274
00:55:43,719 --> 00:55:45,583
very cocky at this point
cos I’m saying to her,
1275
00:55:45,721 --> 00:55:48,172
"Look, you underestimated
this boy, but he’s calling us
1276
00:55:48,310 --> 00:55:51,969
with the dogs
to say good night. What a good boy."
1277
00:55:53,419 --> 00:55:54,627
I answered this FaceTime.
1278
00:55:54,765 --> 00:55:57,354
He was in the middle
of Liverpool city centre
1279
00:55:57,492 --> 00:56:01,047
absolutely fucking cabbaged.
1280
00:56:01,944 --> 00:56:03,601
No, don’t. Yeah,
it wasn’t good cabbaged.
1281
00:56:03,739 --> 00:56:05,845
It was bad cabbaged, mate. Bad.
1282
00:56:05,983 --> 00:56:07,329
It was the worst
I’ve ever seen. It was that bad
1283
00:56:07,467 --> 00:56:08,710
he looked like
he had cerebral palsy.
1284
00:56:08,848 --> 00:56:11,022
That’s how bad it was.
It was grim.
1285
00:56:11,160 --> 00:56:13,439
He was against the wall
with no motor function
1286
00:56:13,577 --> 00:56:14,854
trying to hold the phone up,
1287
00:56:14,992 --> 00:56:16,787
jaw just swinging everywhere,
going, "Paul, bro,
1288
00:56:16,925 --> 00:56:20,031
I’ve been kicked out
of the club, yo."
1289
00:56:22,102 --> 00:56:25,278
"I don’t know where I am."
I was like, what the fuck?
1290
00:56:25,416 --> 00:56:27,694
I say, "Mate, what the fuck’s
happened, where are you?"
1291
00:56:27,832 --> 00:56:31,422
"I don’t know.
I’ve lost my boys, fam."
1292
00:56:31,560 --> 00:56:34,080
"I’ve got no money to get home,
yo. I don’t know where I am."
1293
00:56:34,218 --> 00:56:35,771
I was like, "Mate,
I need to know where you are."
1294
00:56:35,909 --> 00:56:37,739
"I don’t know."
Luckily, at this point,
1295
00:56:37,877 --> 00:56:39,603
complete stranger walks past,
sees the phone
1296
00:56:39,741 --> 00:56:41,950
and goes, "Fuck off,
is that Paul Smith?"
1297
00:56:42,433 --> 00:56:43,434
No shit.
1298
00:56:43,572 --> 00:56:44,884
No shit. Takes the phone.
1299
00:56:45,022 --> 00:56:47,645
Starts getting
a selfie with the phone.
1300
00:56:48,646 --> 00:56:50,096
I was like, "Mate,
thank you so much."
1301
00:56:50,234 --> 00:56:52,339
I said, "See that lad there?
That’s my stepson, that."
1302
00:56:52,478 --> 00:56:54,756
He went, "Is he?" "Yeah!"
1303
00:56:54,894 --> 00:56:57,621
"He’s fucking kettled, him."
1304
00:56:57,759 --> 00:57:01,418
I went, "I know, mate,
I know, I know, I know."
1305
00:57:01,556 --> 00:57:04,662
I said, "Listen," I said,
"I need to know where you are."
1306
00:57:04,800 --> 00:57:06,077
"I need to know where he is,
1307
00:57:06,215 --> 00:57:07,596
I need to get him an Uber,
try and get him home."
1308
00:57:07,734 --> 00:57:08,735
So he is showing me around,
where they were.
1309
00:57:08,873 --> 00:57:10,150
He’s on Seel Street,
1310
00:57:10,288 --> 00:57:11,566
which is in the middle
of Liverpool city centre.
1311
00:57:11,704 --> 00:57:13,533
Right. So I order him an Uber.
1312
00:57:13,671 --> 00:57:15,949
Good on this lad. He stayed
there with him till the car came
1313
00:57:16,087 --> 00:57:17,951
and helped me get him
in the car. I was very thankful.
1314
00:57:18,089 --> 00:57:20,506
So he’s in the car now and I’m
feeling a bit better about it.
1315
00:57:20,644 --> 00:57:22,818
Like, I’m still getting
no sense out of him.
1316
00:57:22,956 --> 00:57:26,097
His head’s just wedged
against the inside of this car.
1317
00:57:26,235 --> 00:57:30,308
Phone’s jammed between it
and he’s just making noise.
1318
00:57:30,447 --> 00:57:32,552
Going...
1319
00:57:38,213 --> 00:57:41,596
His fucking jaw just keeps
hitting the phone.
1320
00:57:45,427 --> 00:57:46,946
So I was worried, man.
1321
00:57:47,084 --> 00:57:48,499
So I’m watching... On Uber
you can watch the little car,
1322
00:57:48,637 --> 00:57:49,914
little cartoon car on the app,
can’t you?
1323
00:57:50,052 --> 00:57:51,260
You can watch it driving home.
1324
00:57:51,398 --> 00:57:52,538
So I was watching the car.
1325
00:57:52,676 --> 00:57:54,505
Make sure he doesn’t
get kidnapped.
1326
00:57:54,643 --> 00:57:55,782
And as it pulled
into my street,
1327
00:57:55,920 --> 00:57:59,165
I switch over
to the Ring doorbell app.
1328
00:58:02,824 --> 00:58:04,066
Wow.
1329
00:58:04,204 --> 00:58:06,034
I’ve never seen
anything like it in my life.
1330
00:58:06,172 --> 00:58:08,277
I’ve seen some states, but I’ve
never seen anything like this.
1331
00:58:08,415 --> 00:58:10,590
He emerges from this Uber.
1332
00:58:11,798 --> 00:58:14,560
With his little fucking
slug legs.
1333
00:58:33,302 --> 00:58:35,512
Took him fucking forever
to get to the front door.
1334
00:58:35,650 --> 00:58:37,997
Then when he
finally gets there, starts trying to get his key
1335
00:58:38,135 --> 00:58:40,620
out of his little fucking
man-bag satchel thing
1336
00:58:40,758 --> 00:58:42,208
that he’s always got.
1337
00:58:42,346 --> 00:58:45,798
Fucking stood there twisted
at my front door just going...
1338
00:58:59,087 --> 00:59:02,677
"Come on, you can fucking
do this. Fuck you, man."
1339
00:59:02,815 --> 00:59:05,265
"Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you,
fuck you, fuck you,
1340
00:59:05,403 --> 00:59:06,508
fuck you, fuck you, fuck you."
1341
00:59:06,646 --> 00:59:09,200
Then he realized
it was on this side.
1342
00:59:24,837 --> 00:59:26,321
He gets the key out of the bag,
right,
1343
00:59:26,459 --> 00:59:28,772
starts trying to get
in the door, but he’s fucked.
1344
00:59:28,910 --> 00:59:30,187
He can’t see. The poor lad’s...
1345
00:59:30,325 --> 00:59:33,121
He’s trying his best,
but he’s just...
1346
00:59:41,025 --> 00:59:42,855
He just keeps hitting
the door with the key
1347
00:59:42,993 --> 00:59:44,339
over and over again.
1348
00:59:44,477 --> 00:59:46,306
So trying to be helpful,
through the doorbell I went,
1349
00:59:46,444 --> 00:59:50,000
"A little bit to the left,
mate." He went, "Aah!"
1350
00:59:56,454 --> 00:59:58,077
Who’s that, bro?
1351
00:59:59,181 --> 01:00:02,633
I went, "It’s Paul."
He went...
1352
01:00:02,771 --> 01:00:05,809
"Paul, bro, where are you?"
1353
01:00:05,947 --> 01:00:08,915
I went, "I’m in the doorbell."
1354
01:00:11,469 --> 01:00:14,162
He went, "Aah! How?"
1355
01:00:16,440 --> 01:00:19,926
I went, "Technology, mate.
Let’s not worry about that now."
1356
01:00:20,064 --> 01:00:21,169
I said, "Listen,
come on now, son."
1357
01:00:21,307 --> 01:00:22,826
"We need to get your key
in the door."
1358
01:00:22,964 --> 01:00:24,586
"This is important now.
I need you to listen to me."
1359
01:00:24,724 --> 01:00:26,105
"We need to work together
as a team."
1360
01:00:26,243 --> 01:00:28,038
"Just follow my voice.
I’m going to guide you in."
1361
01:00:28,176 --> 01:00:29,660
So I’m guiding him in.
1362
01:00:29,798 --> 01:00:31,075
Little bit forward, little bit
to the right, bit to the left.
1363
01:00:31,213 --> 01:00:33,940
Took us a while,
but we got there.
1364
01:00:34,423 --> 01:00:35,528
He goes in.
1365
01:00:35,666 --> 01:00:36,736
I heard him lock
the door behind them.
1366
01:00:36,874 --> 01:00:37,772
I’m happy with that. He’s safe.
1367
01:00:37,910 --> 01:00:39,843
His mum’s fuming.
1368
01:00:39,981 --> 01:00:42,431
Oh, she wants to fly home
immediately and kill him.
1369
01:00:42,569 --> 01:00:44,054
And I was like, "Listen,
I know you’re fuming,
1370
01:00:44,192 --> 01:00:45,814
but we’re getting
no sense out of him tonight,
1371
01:00:45,952 --> 01:00:47,367
best just letting him
sleep it off."
1372
01:00:47,505 --> 01:00:48,886
"We’ll call him in the morning,
give him some shit."
1373
01:00:49,024 --> 01:00:50,060
Right. So that’s the plan.
1374
01:00:50,198 --> 01:00:51,578
So calls him
in the morning, right?
1375
01:00:51,717 --> 01:00:53,304
Doesn’t answer at first,
which you kind of expected
1376
01:00:53,442 --> 01:00:54,858
cos he’s been out late.
He’s fucked.
1377
01:00:54,996 --> 01:00:57,274
I thought I’d let him
sleep a bit longer.
1378
01:00:57,412 --> 01:00:59,276
Tries him a bit later.
Still no answer. Now.
1379
01:00:59,414 --> 01:01:02,417
Getting a bit pissed off now,
cos not only has he gone out,
1380
01:01:02,555 --> 01:01:03,625
he spent all
the shopping money.
1381
01:01:03,763 --> 01:01:05,834
The poor dogs have got no food.
1382
01:01:05,972 --> 01:01:07,836
So sent some dog food round
with the Uber Eats.
1383
01:01:07,974 --> 01:01:09,079
And I sent him a message
that said,
1384
01:01:09,217 --> 01:01:11,702
"Enjoy your dinner,
you little prick."
1385
01:01:12,945 --> 01:01:14,360
And he’s still not answering.
1386
01:01:14,498 --> 01:01:16,086
What a cheeky little bastard.
He thinks he can duck me.
1387
01:01:16,224 --> 01:01:17,674
Thinks he can just
duck me on this.
1388
01:01:17,812 --> 01:01:19,365
Thinks he can just
not answer his phone,
1389
01:01:19,503 --> 01:01:21,091
take no shit over there.
1390
01:01:21,229 --> 01:01:22,886
But he doesn’t know is I’ve
got Alexas all over my house.
1391
01:01:23,024 --> 01:01:24,750
If you have Alexa
in your house, you go on the app on your phone,
1392
01:01:24,888 --> 01:01:26,130
press drop in.
You don’t have to answer.
1393
01:01:26,268 --> 01:01:28,719
So I just drop in
on the Alexa in his bedroom.
1394
01:01:28,857 --> 01:01:31,722
I go... "Ben!"
1395
01:01:32,861 --> 01:01:34,518
He goes, "Aah!"
1396
01:01:35,450 --> 01:01:38,246
"Who’s that?" I went, "It’s
Paul."
1397
01:01:38,384 --> 01:01:41,076
He went, "Paul, bro,
where are you?"
1398
01:01:43,665 --> 01:01:45,943
I went, "I’m in the Alexa."
1399
01:01:46,323 --> 01:01:48,083
He went, "How?"
1400
01:01:48,946 --> 01:01:51,086
I went, "Technology."
I went, "What the fuck?"
1401
01:01:51,224 --> 01:01:52,743
"What the fuck
happened last night?"
1402
01:01:52,881 --> 01:01:55,125
He went,
"Oh, I don’t know."
1403
01:01:55,263 --> 01:01:56,989
"What do you mean you don’t"
know?
1404
01:01:57,127 --> 01:01:59,716
He went, "I don’t know."
I went, "You can’t remember nothing?"
1405
01:01:59,854 --> 01:02:01,027
He went, "No."
1406
01:02:01,165 --> 01:02:04,237
"You can’t remember fuck all?"
"No."
1407
01:02:04,375 --> 01:02:06,895
"Do you want me to tell you
what I think’s happened?"
1408
01:02:07,033 --> 01:02:08,138
He went, "Oh." I went,
1409
01:02:08,276 --> 01:02:09,346
"Well, I think what’s
happened is
1410
01:02:09,484 --> 01:02:10,830
I think you’ve taken
that money."
1411
01:02:10,968 --> 01:02:12,176
"That money that we had
a good chat about,
1412
01:02:12,314 --> 01:02:13,937
that money
that was for you and the dogs
1413
01:02:14,075 --> 01:02:16,146
for shopping
for the whole week."
1414
01:02:16,284 --> 01:02:17,526
"That money that
you promised me
1415
01:02:17,664 --> 01:02:18,873
that you wouldn’t go
and get pissed with."
1416
01:02:19,011 --> 01:02:20,529
"You have taken that money
1417
01:02:20,667 --> 01:02:24,050
and you’ve started getting
pissed with your little mates."
1418
01:02:24,188 --> 01:02:26,018
"And then things have escalated
1419
01:02:26,156 --> 01:02:28,503
and you have tried to buy
cocaine off someone
1420
01:02:28,641 --> 01:02:32,334
with your stupid
little Devonian Roadman accent."
1421
01:02:32,472 --> 01:02:35,544
"’Hello. Could I have
some cocaine, please, bro?’"
1422
01:02:36,683 --> 01:02:39,997
"And some Scouse kid has seen
you coming a fucking mile away
1423
01:02:40,135 --> 01:02:41,827
and sold you
a bashed up bag of ketamine
1424
01:02:41,965 --> 01:02:43,276
and you’ve had no idea
what it was
1425
01:02:43,414 --> 01:02:45,002
until you’ve had a stripe of it
1426
01:02:45,140 --> 01:02:47,833
and turned into fucking
Stephen Hawking on Seel Street.
1427
01:02:57,532 --> 01:02:59,051
I was like, "Does that sound
about right?"
1428
01:02:59,189 --> 01:03:00,397
He was like, "No way, bro,
1429
01:03:00,535 --> 01:03:02,019
I wouldn’t do that, man.
Respect you."
1430
01:03:02,157 --> 01:03:03,918
"Fuck off, mate,
that’s exactly what happened.
1431
01:03:04,056 --> 01:03:05,609
I was like, "Listen, I’ve got
to go out, but I’m gonna be back
1432
01:03:05,747 --> 01:03:07,231
in a couple of hours
and I’m going to call you back
1433
01:03:07,369 --> 01:03:08,474
and you better have
some better answers than this
1434
01:03:08,612 --> 01:03:10,027
cos this is fucking pathetic."
1435
01:03:10,165 --> 01:03:12,685
So I went out, comes back
a couple of hours later, right.
1436
01:03:12,823 --> 01:03:14,480
Calls him back.
1437
01:03:14,618 --> 01:03:17,897
He’s had some time
to think now, but he’s thick as fuck.
1438
01:03:18,035 --> 01:03:19,761
Like thick as...
Like if that was Leah, the girl,
1439
01:03:19,899 --> 01:03:24,386
given two hours, there would
be AI-generated CCTV footage
1440
01:03:24,524 --> 01:03:26,975
of her doing fucking
charity work at the time.
1441
01:03:27,113 --> 01:03:29,081
There would be a line
of eyewitness statements.
1442
01:03:29,219 --> 01:03:33,533
The fucking FBI wouldn’t be
able to get into that shit.
1443
01:03:33,671 --> 01:03:35,190
This fucking idiot.
1444
01:03:35,328 --> 01:03:36,674
I swear, I still can’t believe
this took him this long,
1445
01:03:36,813 --> 01:03:38,815
to this day.
It’s strategy, right?
1446
01:03:38,953 --> 01:03:40,126
Just go on the offensive,
right.
1447
01:03:40,264 --> 01:03:41,783
So call him, I go,
"What the fuck?"
1448
01:03:41,921 --> 01:03:45,166
He goes, "Yo, yo.
I’m just gonna stop you there, bro."
1449
01:03:45,925 --> 01:03:47,409
"Everyone’s getting on me today
1450
01:03:47,547 --> 01:03:50,205
but you all fail to realise
that I’m the victim here."
1451
01:03:50,999 --> 01:03:52,380
"How the fuck are you
the victim?"
1452
01:03:52,518 --> 01:03:54,416
"Yeah. OK. Hold up hands
and take some responsibility."
1453
01:03:54,554 --> 01:03:56,246
"I shouldn’t have gone out and
started drinking with the boys."
1454
01:03:56,384 --> 01:03:57,937
"But we were having a
quiet night."
1455
01:03:58,075 --> 01:03:59,249
"Then I’ve lost my boys, yeah?"
1456
01:03:59,387 --> 01:04:01,285
"Turns out I spoke
to my boy today, yeah?"
1457
01:04:01,423 --> 01:04:05,393
"He’s ended up in the hospital.
Yeah? Yeah."
1458
01:04:05,531 --> 01:04:08,430
"They found seven grams
of ketamine in his system."
1459
01:04:08,568 --> 01:04:12,503
"Yeah?
So I must have had the same."
1460
01:04:14,333 --> 01:04:16,059
"We’ve been spiked."
1461
01:04:22,686 --> 01:04:29,072
I was like, "You’ve been spiked
with seven grams of ketamine?"
1462
01:04:30,867 --> 01:04:33,490
"Are you fucking...?
Is that what you’re saying?"
1463
01:04:33,628 --> 01:04:36,010
He was like, "Yeah." I went,
"Seven grams of ketamine?"
1464
01:04:36,148 --> 01:04:39,013
"Like a teaspoon
and a half of ketamine."
1465
01:04:39,151 --> 01:04:40,773
Come on, mate.
1466
01:04:40,911 --> 01:04:42,568
I said, "Are you sure that’s...
You’re gonna go with that?"
1467
01:04:42,706 --> 01:04:44,294
"Sure you haven’t
just spent the money?"
1468
01:04:44,432 --> 01:04:45,743
He’s like, "No."
"Where the fuck’s the money?"
1469
01:04:45,882 --> 01:04:47,642
Then he goes,
"It’s the maddest thing, yeah?"
1470
01:04:47,780 --> 01:04:50,024
"After they spiked us,
they’ve taken the bank card
1471
01:04:50,162 --> 01:04:53,165
out of the back of my phone
and used the contactless
1472
01:04:53,303 --> 01:04:54,925
in the club to buy drinks."
1473
01:04:55,063 --> 01:04:57,583
I was like, "Fuck off. Really?"
1474
01:04:58,722 --> 01:05:00,379
"Bastards."
1475
01:05:02,484 --> 01:05:04,176
I went, "You’ve lost
your bank card?" Right.
1476
01:05:04,314 --> 01:05:06,903
He knows he can’t say
he’s lost his bank card
1477
01:05:07,041 --> 01:05:10,458
because he needs his bank card
to get more money sent over.
1478
01:05:10,596 --> 01:05:12,425
So this is the genius, mate.
This really is.
1479
01:05:12,563 --> 01:05:15,808
This must have took him an hour
and 59 of the two hours.
1480
01:05:15,946 --> 01:05:17,465
Because this is special.
1481
01:05:17,603 --> 01:05:19,122
He goes.
"No, here’s the maddest thing, though, yeah?"
1482
01:05:19,260 --> 01:05:21,055
"After they’ve run out of money
on the card,
1483
01:05:21,193 --> 01:05:24,506
they’ve put it back
in the back of my phone."
1484
01:05:26,612 --> 01:05:29,063
Fucking idiot.
I was like, "Are you mental?"
1485
01:05:29,201 --> 01:05:32,169
"That’s the silliest shit
I have ever heard in my entire life."
1486
01:05:32,307 --> 01:05:34,413
He’s going, "Yo, you’re saying
you don’t believe me, bro?"
1487
01:05:34,551 --> 01:05:36,173
I went, "No,
I don’t believe you, bro,
1488
01:05:36,311 --> 01:05:38,831
no, cos that makes no
fucking sense at all, does it?"
1489
01:05:38,969 --> 01:05:41,040
"One, who is using
14g of ketamine
1490
01:05:41,178 --> 01:05:44,595
to steal 60 pounds
off your bank card?"
1491
01:05:48,289 --> 01:05:50,843
"It’s not even
cost effective, Ben."
1492
01:05:50,981 --> 01:05:54,122
I said, "Two, when I get home,
I’m gonna buy 14g of ketamine
1493
01:05:54,260 --> 01:05:55,641
and we are
gonna go into town together
1494
01:05:55,779 --> 01:05:57,505
and I’m gonna watch you
try to slip that
1495
01:05:57,643 --> 01:06:00,370
into someone’s drink
without them noticing."
1496
01:06:00,508 --> 01:06:04,443
"You watch their vodka turn
into a fucking paste, dickhead."
1497
01:06:08,585 --> 01:06:10,518
He’s all upset. He was like,
1498
01:06:10,656 --> 01:06:14,487
"I can’t believe you’re saying
this to me. I’ve been robbed."
1499
01:06:14,625 --> 01:06:16,386
I went, "You’re not even saying
you’ve been robbed."
1500
01:06:16,524 --> 01:06:19,044
"You’re saying
you’ve been borrowed."
1501
01:06:20,838 --> 01:06:23,496
Make no fucking sense.
1502
01:06:24,497 --> 01:06:26,189
You fucking idiot, man.
Do you know what?
1503
01:06:26,327 --> 01:06:27,776
I’d have so much more
respect for that lad
1504
01:06:27,914 --> 01:06:29,502
if he just held his hands up.
and went, "Listen, right,
1505
01:06:29,640 --> 01:06:31,263
I know I promised that I
wouldn’t go and get pissed,
1506
01:06:31,401 --> 01:06:33,748
but in my defence,
I never thought you’d find out."
1507
01:06:33,886 --> 01:06:36,130
"My mates are giving me loads
of shit on WhatsApp."
1508
01:06:36,268 --> 01:06:37,510
"I thought I’d just go
for a couple,
1509
01:06:37,648 --> 01:06:39,340
no harm could be done.
And then it was a laugh
1510
01:06:39,478 --> 01:06:41,066
so I thought
a couple more can’t hurt
1511
01:06:41,204 --> 01:06:42,377
and that just got a bit out
of hand."
1512
01:06:42,515 --> 01:06:43,965
"And then someone
offered me something,
1513
01:06:44,103 --> 01:06:46,726
I thought it’d be funny,
I had it, my head fell off."
1514
01:06:47,417 --> 01:06:49,384
Cos that... I go,
"You know what?"
1515
01:06:49,522 --> 01:06:51,317
"You’re a dickhead
and you put yourself in danger."
1516
01:06:51,455 --> 01:06:52,939
"But that is exactly
what I would have done."
1517
01:06:53,078 --> 01:06:55,528
"That’s exactly,
exactly what I would have done."
1518
01:06:55,666 --> 01:06:57,254
I can understand
the logic of that.
1519
01:06:57,392 --> 01:07:00,464
Know what I mean, like,
and that’s the thing.
1520
01:07:00,602 --> 01:07:02,708
That’s the thing,
that’s the real difficulty
1521
01:07:02,846 --> 01:07:04,330
in being a parent.
1522
01:07:04,468 --> 01:07:05,676
Like, especially to teenagers.
Parenting all kids is hard.
1523
01:07:05,814 --> 01:07:08,334
But at least with little ones
you can blag it.
1524
01:07:08,472 --> 01:07:11,268
Like, they can’t see
what a fuck up you are.
1525
01:07:11,406 --> 01:07:13,339
Like, older ones can see
through your bullshit.
1526
01:07:13,477 --> 01:07:15,031
Especially me.
As I’ve said already,
1527
01:07:15,169 --> 01:07:16,480
I’m all over the internet.
1528
01:07:16,618 --> 01:07:18,620
Me talking about doing DMT,
magic mushrooms, MDMA.
1529
01:07:18,758 --> 01:07:20,415
Like, that lad
who I’m talking about,
1530
01:07:20,553 --> 01:07:22,383
he’s been at a show
in an arena
1531
01:07:22,521 --> 01:07:24,247
when I’m in front of
about 10,000 people.
1532
01:07:24,385 --> 01:07:26,214
I told a very,
very graphic story
1533
01:07:26,352 --> 01:07:29,666
about getting pegged
by his mum on cocaine.
1534
01:07:31,219 --> 01:07:32,945
Can’t come back from that.
1535
01:07:33,083 --> 01:07:35,016
You can’t come back
as a parent, you can’t come back from that.
1536
01:07:35,154 --> 01:07:37,777
I can’t sit him down after he’s
heard me say that and go,
1537
01:07:37,915 --> 01:07:42,092
"Listen, mate, you need to
be a more responsible adult."
1538
01:07:42,230 --> 01:07:43,369
He’d just be like, "Shut up,
1539
01:07:43,507 --> 01:07:46,062
you sniff coke
and get bummed by my mum."
1540
01:07:50,204 --> 01:07:52,551
What’s your name?
Jay, you all right?
1541
01:07:52,689 --> 01:07:54,760
You look like a good,
fucking proper, solid fella.
1542
01:07:54,898 --> 01:07:57,038
You look like
a proper nice guy. You know, reliable.
1543
01:07:57,176 --> 01:07:59,420
Like you got a proper job
and you don’t fuck about.
1544
01:07:59,558 --> 01:08:03,596
You got a nice garden.
You love to barbecue.
1545
01:08:04,149 --> 01:08:05,391
Yeah, man. He does.
1546
01:08:05,529 --> 01:08:07,186
He looks like he fucking
does a heavy barbecue,
1547
01:08:07,324 --> 01:08:08,705
this guy. Yes.
1548
01:08:08,843 --> 01:08:10,258
My God, he’s got sides
and everything, I love it.
1549
01:08:10,396 --> 01:08:12,260
- The umbrella...
- Little umbrella comes out.
1550
01:08:12,398 --> 01:08:14,607
He’s got his little apron.
Fucking love it.
1551
01:08:14,745 --> 01:08:15,850
What do you do, mate?
1552
01:08:15,988 --> 01:08:17,679
- Fuck all at the moment.
- Don’t do nothing.
1553
01:08:17,817 --> 01:08:19,957
Did you choose
to be unemployed, you retired or you just...
1554
01:08:20,096 --> 01:08:22,374
- Off sick.
- You’re off sick.
1555
01:08:22,512 --> 01:08:24,410
Oh, shit. I’m sorry, mate.
What’s up with you?
1556
01:08:24,548 --> 01:08:27,241
- I got a triple bypass.
- You got a triple bypass?
1557
01:08:27,379 --> 01:08:30,761
Oh, fucking hell, man,
stop barbecuing then, man.
1558
01:08:31,797 --> 01:08:33,281
Yeah.
1559
01:08:36,215 --> 01:08:39,080
Yeah. Too many burgers,
that, son.
1560
01:08:39,218 --> 01:08:40,633
Wanna knock
that one on the head.
1561
01:08:40,771 --> 01:08:42,221
Can’t even barbecue now,
can you? On the salads.
1562
01:08:42,359 --> 01:08:43,912
- Sold it!
- You sold it?
1563
01:08:44,050 --> 01:08:45,362
Get it out of there.
1564
01:08:45,500 --> 01:08:47,295
Just fucking on the water,
juice fasting and shit.
1565
01:08:47,433 --> 01:08:49,780
What did you show? Is that
when they go up your arm?
1566
01:08:49,918 --> 01:08:52,783
Up your arm and then
open the little...
1567
01:08:53,750 --> 01:08:56,684
You getting your little tits
out there for me?
1568
01:08:57,754 --> 01:08:58,686
No way.
1569
01:08:58,824 --> 01:09:01,240
I’m seeing
some wrinkly tits today.
1570
01:09:03,277 --> 01:09:04,899
Is that you
off work forever now
1571
01:09:05,037 --> 01:09:06,659
- or are you just off for a bit?
- No, I’m off for three months.
1572
01:09:06,797 --> 01:09:08,696
You’re off for three months,
and then you’re back.
1573
01:09:08,834 --> 01:09:09,455
What do you do?
1574
01:09:09,593 --> 01:09:11,871
- Make drugs.
- You...
1575
01:09:13,218 --> 01:09:15,323
- You make drugs.
- Make drugs legally.
1576
01:09:15,461 --> 01:09:18,084
You make drugs legally.
Pharmacists.
1577
01:09:18,223 --> 01:09:19,672
Yeah.
1578
01:09:19,810 --> 01:09:23,159
And you couldn’t see your
own heart attack coming, no?
1579
01:09:25,022 --> 01:09:28,785
Couldn’t get yourself on some
blood thinners or something?
1580
01:09:33,445 --> 01:09:35,032
Oh, God.
How long you two been together?
1581
01:09:35,171 --> 01:09:37,552
- 25 years.
- 25 years in the game.
1582
01:09:37,690 --> 01:09:40,106
Lovely, that, isn’t it? What...
Aww.
1583
01:09:40,624 --> 01:09:41,798
What’s your name?
1584
01:09:41,936 --> 01:09:43,075
- Tina.
- Tina.
1585
01:09:43,213 --> 01:09:44,249
Where’d you meet back then?
1586
01:09:44,387 --> 01:09:45,836
- All those years ago.
- In the pub.
1587
01:09:45,974 --> 01:09:47,183
In the pub. Old school.
1588
01:09:47,321 --> 01:09:49,944
No fucking about.
None of that Tinder shit.
1589
01:09:50,082 --> 01:09:51,911
Yeah. Nah, nah, none of
that shit back in the day.
1590
01:09:52,049 --> 01:09:55,777
Fucking right up there.
Yo. You. Barbecue. Ours.
1591
01:09:57,400 --> 01:09:59,885
Heart attack...
1592
01:10:00,023 --> 01:10:02,577
Have you got life insurance?
Have you, yeah?
1593
01:10:02,715 --> 01:10:06,581
Ah, you were nearly minted
there, girl, weren’t you?
1594
01:10:08,342 --> 01:10:12,518
You got ten more years of this
sweaty bastard on top of you.
1595
01:10:13,519 --> 01:10:14,969
You’ll just be lying here
thinking, "You fuck,
1596
01:10:15,107 --> 01:10:18,386
I could have had half a million
quid in the morgue."
1597
01:10:19,284 --> 01:10:21,009
- In Greece.
- I had it spent and all.
1598
01:10:21,147 --> 01:10:22,218
You had it spent as well.
1599
01:10:22,356 --> 01:10:25,324
You were gonna buy
a bigger barbecue.
1600
01:10:25,462 --> 01:10:26,946
You had action?
You been shagging?
1601
01:10:27,084 --> 01:10:29,811
- Het’s actually better since.
- He’s better shagging?
1602
01:10:29,949 --> 01:10:32,780
Oh, yeah. Cos you got
blood flow now, haven’t you?
1603
01:10:32,918 --> 01:10:35,438
Yeah.
1604
01:10:36,370 --> 01:10:38,855
- Go, Jay.
- Yes!
1605
01:10:39,614 --> 01:10:40,788
Oh, God. I don’t know.
1606
01:10:40,926 --> 01:10:42,514
I don’t know
if I’m a good parent.
1607
01:10:42,652 --> 01:10:44,032
I don’t know if I’m
a good person, to be honest.
1608
01:10:44,170 --> 01:10:46,276
I fucking do try. I do.
1609
01:10:46,414 --> 01:10:47,726
I really, honestly, like,
1610
01:10:47,864 --> 01:10:49,279
I have my kids first half
of the week, every week.
1611
01:10:49,417 --> 01:10:50,970
I have my kids every
week for half the week.
1612
01:10:51,108 --> 01:10:52,178
I had them Sunday
to Wednesday
1613
01:10:52,317 --> 01:10:53,352
and then Wednesday
through Saturday,
1614
01:10:53,490 --> 01:10:54,836
I’ll travel around
doing shows.
1615
01:10:54,974 --> 01:10:56,597
My life Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, I’ll get up,
1616
01:10:56,735 --> 01:10:58,150
I’ll do the school run.
1617
01:10:58,288 --> 01:10:59,841
I’ll have the day to myself
normally, and I go back
1618
01:10:59,979 --> 01:11:01,153
and pick them up from school.
It’s lovely. Right.
1619
01:11:01,291 --> 01:11:02,534
So I get up,
I do the school run.
1620
01:11:02,672 --> 01:11:04,501
It’s a normal Monday. Right?
Uneventful.
1621
01:11:04,639 --> 01:11:06,469
I went to the gym
from the school.
1622
01:11:06,607 --> 01:11:07,780
I had a little workout,
got back,
1623
01:11:07,918 --> 01:11:09,161
got back
in the house about 12.
1624
01:11:09,299 --> 01:11:10,507
I had a couple of hours
to myself.
1625
01:11:10,645 --> 01:11:14,442
Thought, "Ooh, I’ll have
a little nap."
1626
01:11:14,580 --> 01:11:16,789
Love a little nap.
I’m in my 40s. Now.
1627
01:11:16,927 --> 01:11:18,688
I feel no shame
about this as well.
1628
01:11:18,826 --> 01:11:20,345
What better way
to get me off to sleep?
1629
01:11:20,483 --> 01:11:22,278
I’m in the house on my own.
1630
01:11:25,557 --> 01:11:28,560
Big Jay knows while he’s been
resting up, haven’t you, son?
1631
01:11:28,698 --> 01:11:31,010
How long after the fucking
triple heart bypass
1632
01:11:31,148 --> 01:11:33,841
were fucking... crack one out?
1633
01:11:33,979 --> 01:11:35,843
Soon as you
woke up from the anesthetic.
1634
01:11:35,981 --> 01:11:37,603
Just the...
1635
01:11:41,642 --> 01:11:42,988
Had a little me time, mate.
1636
01:11:43,126 --> 01:11:44,783
You know what? Makes me quite
sad to think about it,
1637
01:11:44,921 --> 01:11:46,509
cos it’s been taken away
from me.
1638
01:11:46,647 --> 01:11:47,958
I don’t know if you’ve
got the same thing here.
1639
01:11:48,096 --> 01:11:50,064
Do you have to
put your passport in for porn now?
1640
01:11:50,202 --> 01:11:51,686
Mate, have you heard this shit?
1641
01:11:51,824 --> 01:11:53,550
Like, back in the UK,
they’ve made it so you can’t
1642
01:11:53,688 --> 01:11:55,414
get porn without putting
your fucking passport in.
1643
01:11:55,552 --> 01:11:58,521
You have to upload
your passport to watch porn
1644
01:11:58,659 --> 01:12:00,143
and people are fucking
doing it.
1645
01:12:00,281 --> 01:12:03,077
And I can’t do it cos
I’m too fucking famous, mate.
1646
01:12:03,767 --> 01:12:05,182
I can’t do it, mate.
1647
01:12:05,321 --> 01:12:06,701
I’m not doing it
because people keep going at me.
1648
01:12:06,839 --> 01:12:08,462
"No, it’ll just be
like a programme."
1649
01:12:08,600 --> 01:12:11,119
"It’ll be AI or something."
I can’t trust that it’s AI.
1650
01:12:11,257 --> 01:12:13,743
I can’t trust that it’s not
some fucking student
1651
01:12:13,881 --> 01:12:15,434
on fucking eight pound an hour
1652
01:12:15,572 --> 01:12:16,884
who’s going
to get me fucking...
1653
01:12:17,022 --> 01:12:19,093
just fucking make me passport
and a picture going,
1654
01:12:19,231 --> 01:12:21,371
"Can I have a wank, please?"
1655
01:12:23,304 --> 01:12:25,444
Fucking hell, mate.
1656
01:12:25,582 --> 01:12:26,928
Gone back to
fucking having a wank
1657
01:12:27,066 --> 01:12:29,448
with your bank balance again.
It’s fucking sad.
1658
01:12:31,036 --> 01:12:34,142
There’s nothing more decadent
to a married man with kids
1659
01:12:34,280 --> 01:12:36,800
than a full-volume
Pornhub wank.
1660
01:12:36,938 --> 01:12:39,458
It’s fucking delightful, mate,
cos, like, you know what,
1661
01:12:39,596 --> 01:12:40,804
we are supposed to be,
1662
01:12:40,942 --> 01:12:42,841
alpha males are supposed to be
in the jungle
1663
01:12:42,979 --> 01:12:44,463
hunting and shit
with our hands.
1664
01:12:44,601 --> 01:12:47,155
And what we have been reduced
to in modern society
1665
01:12:47,293 --> 01:12:51,367
is little quivering pussies
skulking around in the shadows,
1666
01:12:51,505 --> 01:12:54,887
listening to low-volume porn.
1667
01:12:55,025 --> 01:12:59,444
Just... Just listening
to Pornhub on one volume notch.
1668
01:12:59,582 --> 01:13:00,790
Sometimes you get a bit cheeky
1669
01:13:00,928 --> 01:13:02,585
and you put it to
two volume notches,
1670
01:13:02,723 --> 01:13:04,966
but as soon as she goes, "Aah!"
you panic,
1671
01:13:05,104 --> 01:13:06,623
you turn it back down.
1672
01:13:09,385 --> 01:13:12,111
But if there’s no one in the
house, you have nothing to fear.
1673
01:13:12,249 --> 01:13:17,289
Volume right the way up,
pants all the way off.
1674
01:13:17,427 --> 01:13:20,292
I’ll leave my t-shirt on.
I am Winnie-the-Pooh-ing it.
1675
01:13:20,430 --> 01:13:21,949
I don’t give a fuck.
1676
01:13:27,955 --> 01:13:31,545
Get on the bed, legs akimbo.
1677
01:13:31,683 --> 01:13:34,927
Have a good go at it,
Supreme grip.
1678
01:13:37,896 --> 01:13:40,554
Anyway, I had a little wank.
Had a little nap.
1679
01:13:42,659 --> 01:13:44,385
Got me off to
a very restful sleep.
1680
01:13:44,523 --> 01:13:46,974
Nom-nom-nom-nom.
Alarm goes off.
1681
01:13:47,112 --> 01:13:49,010
Quarter to three I’m up,
pants on, out the door
1682
01:13:49,148 --> 01:13:50,874
goes and picks me little lad up
from school.
1683
01:13:51,012 --> 01:13:52,669
He comes out. "Had a nice day?"
1684
01:13:52,807 --> 01:13:56,535
"Can’t remember."
He’s eight at the time, right?
1685
01:13:56,673 --> 01:13:58,641
So, anyone in here who’s had
eight year olds,
1686
01:13:58,779 --> 01:14:00,505
who’s got an eight-year-old,
back me up on this. Yeah.
1687
01:14:00,643 --> 01:14:03,059
You know, right,
when they leave school, lunatics, aren’t they?
1688
01:14:03,197 --> 01:14:04,957
Understandably. Because
he can’t, like, you can’t...
1689
01:14:05,095 --> 01:14:07,166
School’s boring as fuck.
And they can’t wait to get out.
1690
01:14:07,304 --> 01:14:09,237
I understand it, poor kids
stuck in there all day.
1691
01:14:09,375 --> 01:14:11,861
As soon as that bell goes,
fuck off onto the playground.
1692
01:14:11,999 --> 01:14:13,656
Right.
Especially where we live.
1693
01:14:13,794 --> 01:14:16,659
Because as rough as fuck.
Fuck off, right?
1694
01:14:16,797 --> 01:14:18,350
So what happened was
this school door opens
1695
01:14:18,488 --> 01:14:21,491
and, right, one of his
little classmates, she runs out,
1696
01:14:21,629 --> 01:14:23,769
out the door too fast,
and she runs past me
1697
01:14:23,907 --> 01:14:26,358
and she just clips her own heel
and she goes fucking flying.
1698
01:14:26,496 --> 01:14:28,464
That’s not funny.
1699
01:14:29,534 --> 01:14:30,983
Just one evil bitch down here.
1700
01:14:31,121 --> 01:14:32,882
Everyone else going,
oh, that’s quite serious.
1701
01:14:33,020 --> 01:14:36,748
She’s like, "Ha-ha-ha!
Did she smash her face in?"
1702
01:14:36,886 --> 01:14:40,959
"That’s funny, that."
Fucking horrible bastard.
1703
01:14:41,753 --> 01:14:43,479
Cos it’s
a concrete playground.
1704
01:14:43,617 --> 01:14:45,239
It was concerning.
1705
01:14:45,377 --> 01:14:47,206
Know I mean? Poor kid’s got
glasses. You’ve got glasses on.
1706
01:14:47,344 --> 01:14:49,208
You should be more concerned.
1707
01:14:51,487 --> 01:14:52,833
And honestly, right,
1708
01:14:52,971 --> 01:14:54,490
in possibly the greatest thing
I have ever achieved,
1709
01:14:54,628 --> 01:14:55,974
and I mean this, this might
be the best thing
1710
01:14:56,112 --> 01:14:57,976
I’ve ever achieved
in my entire life. Genuinely.
1711
01:14:58,114 --> 01:15:00,219
Bar none. I mean,
in my peripheral vision as well.
1712
01:15:00,357 --> 01:15:01,807
I want to clarify.
1713
01:15:01,945 --> 01:15:03,913
I just want to emphasise that,
just because this is like
1714
01:15:04,051 --> 01:15:06,467
I’m looking at my lad here
and she runs past me.
1715
01:15:06,605 --> 01:15:08,089
She goes... she clips it here,
goes flying.
1716
01:15:08,227 --> 01:15:09,712
Concrete playground,
little glasses on,
1717
01:15:09,850 --> 01:15:11,265
could smash you face in,
could be scarred for life.
1718
01:15:11,403 --> 01:15:13,578
And I didn’t think
I just reacted and I just went,
1719
01:15:13,716 --> 01:15:15,165
fuck off.
1720
01:15:16,201 --> 01:15:17,927
And I caught her. Yeah.
1721
01:15:18,065 --> 01:15:19,894
About that far away
from the floor.
1722
01:15:20,032 --> 01:15:21,758
Honestly,
it was that incredible,
1723
01:15:21,896 --> 01:15:23,104
I didn’t check she was OK.
1724
01:15:23,242 --> 01:15:25,175
I just looked around
and waited for applause.
1725
01:15:26,004 --> 01:15:29,317
It was fucking phenomenal,
mate. It was unbelievable.
1726
01:15:29,455 --> 01:15:31,112
And I stood up and everyone
on the playground
1727
01:15:31,250 --> 01:15:33,287
was looking at me like, in awe,
going, "Fucking hell, mate."
1728
01:15:33,425 --> 01:15:34,875
And I didn’t want
to be a prick about it.
1729
01:15:35,013 --> 01:15:36,290
So I’m like,
I’m playing it down then.
1730
01:15:36,428 --> 01:15:37,947
I go, "No, it’s what anyone
would have done,
1731
01:15:38,085 --> 01:15:39,569
it’s what anyone
would have done."
1732
01:15:39,707 --> 01:15:40,984
"Anyone would have done
the same thing."
1733
01:15:41,122 --> 01:15:42,607
"I’m just happy
I was close enough."
1734
01:15:42,745 --> 01:15:44,298
"Any of you would have reacted
in the same way."
1735
01:15:44,436 --> 01:15:48,751
But in my head
I was like, "That was fucking incredible, Paul."
1736
01:15:48,889 --> 01:15:50,338
"Incredible, mate."
1737
01:15:50,476 --> 01:15:51,857
"None of these fat,
spongy cunts could have done that."
1738
01:15:51,995 --> 01:15:53,928
"That was absolutely
unbelievable, mate."
1739
01:15:54,066 --> 01:15:55,585
"I hope there’s CCTV on
in this playground
1740
01:15:55,723 --> 01:15:56,862
because that’s
getting on the news."
1741
01:15:57,000 --> 01:15:59,347
"That was some superhero shit,
you know?"
1742
01:16:00,797 --> 01:16:02,661
I felt I felt amazing,
I felt amazing
1743
01:16:02,799 --> 01:16:04,352
walking out
I’m strutting out of school.
1744
01:16:04,490 --> 01:16:07,183
Felt great, gets my lad
in the car, in the school car park,
1745
01:16:07,321 --> 01:16:10,635
strutting around the car,
cock of the school, chest out,
1746
01:16:10,773 --> 01:16:12,222
making eye contact with mums
1747
01:16:12,360 --> 01:16:14,570
when they look at me going,
"Did you hear what happened?"
1748
01:16:15,363 --> 01:16:16,641
"What happened?
The little girl, yeah?"
1749
01:16:16,779 --> 01:16:18,090
"She could have been
scarred for life,
1750
01:16:18,228 --> 01:16:19,851
don’t want to think about it.
It’s mad."
1751
01:16:19,989 --> 01:16:21,093
"Yeah, that was me. That.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no."
1752
01:16:21,231 --> 01:16:22,543
"It’s what anyone
would have done."
1753
01:16:22,681 --> 01:16:23,820
"It’s what anyone
would have done."
1754
01:16:23,958 --> 01:16:25,477
"Anyone would have
done the same thing."
1755
01:16:25,615 --> 01:16:27,306
"I’m just happy I was close."
1756
01:16:27,444 --> 01:16:30,033
"Sometimes just
the hero inside. You don’t know it’s there."
1757
01:16:33,278 --> 01:16:35,142
Felt amazing. I’m sorry.
I’m like,
1758
01:16:35,280 --> 01:16:37,109
I’ve had some great feelings
in my life, I really have.
1759
01:16:37,247 --> 01:16:38,939
I’m blessed to have had
some amazing feelings,
1760
01:16:39,077 --> 01:16:40,216
and this tops them all.
1761
01:16:40,354 --> 01:16:41,942
I felt so good about myself
to the point
1762
01:16:42,080 --> 01:16:45,221
where I got in my car
and I’m...
1763
01:16:46,740 --> 01:16:47,913
I’m a bit ashamed
to admit this.
1764
01:16:48,051 --> 01:16:50,813
I was I was giving myself
a pep talk.
1765
01:16:50,951 --> 01:16:52,435
I was talking to myself
in the rearview mirror.
1766
01:16:52,573 --> 01:16:54,506
I had to give myself a little
pep talk before I could drive.
1767
01:16:54,644 --> 01:16:57,889
I was looking at myself going,
"Do you know what, Paul?"
1768
01:16:59,131 --> 01:17:02,100
"You don’t give yourself
enough credit sometimes, son."
1769
01:17:02,721 --> 01:17:03,688
"You really
fucking don’t, mate,
1770
01:17:03,826 --> 01:17:04,930
you talk yourself down
on stage
1771
01:17:05,068 --> 01:17:06,173
and you talk
yourself down in person."
1772
01:17:06,311 --> 01:17:07,761
"What just happened
on the playground,
1773
01:17:07,899 --> 01:17:09,279
that shows the true content
of your character."
1774
01:17:09,417 --> 01:17:10,798
"That little girl, she could
have been scarred for life
1775
01:17:10,936 --> 01:17:12,144
and you stepped in.
No one else stepped in."
1776
01:17:12,282 --> 01:17:13,905
"And that shows
what type of a man you are."
1777
01:17:14,043 --> 01:17:16,355
"You are a good person, and
you do doubt that sometimes."
1778
01:17:16,493 --> 01:17:18,426
"And you tell people
that you don’t think you are,
1779
01:17:18,564 --> 01:17:19,876
but you obviously are
1780
01:17:20,014 --> 01:17:21,326
because of what just happened
on the playground."
1781
01:17:21,464 --> 01:17:22,879
"So I don’t want you
to ever doubt that again."
1782
01:17:23,017 --> 01:17:24,640
"I want you to walk
through this life knowing
1783
01:17:24,778 --> 01:17:26,158
what type of man you are."
1784
01:17:26,296 --> 01:17:30,093
"You are a good person, Paul.
You are a good person."
1785
01:17:34,270 --> 01:17:36,790
And then I went to put
my seatbelt on.
1786
01:17:36,928 --> 01:17:39,896
I had a line of jizz
from there to there.
1787
01:17:46,351 --> 01:17:48,042
Like, a full line
of jizz, mate.
1788
01:17:48,180 --> 01:17:52,219
A full line of semen on my arm.
Still there in a perfect line.
1789
01:17:52,357 --> 01:17:55,291
Still tacky. Tacky, tacky,
Evelyn, tacky semen.
1790
01:17:55,429 --> 01:17:59,260
Moist semen glistening
on my arm in a perfect line.
1791
01:17:59,398 --> 01:18:01,642
How is that possible
after two hours in bed?
1792
01:18:01,780 --> 01:18:03,230
How is that still here?
1793
01:18:03,368 --> 01:18:04,714
I don’t even know how it
got there in the first place,
1794
01:18:04,852 --> 01:18:06,267
if I’m honest,
I am 43 years of age.
1795
01:18:06,405 --> 01:18:11,583
My jizz has not traveled
that far in 20 fucking years.
1796
01:18:11,721 --> 01:18:15,414
I swear. I’m happy if it gets
past my fucking thumbnail, mate.
1797
01:18:15,552 --> 01:18:19,764
I would struggle to get jizz
there if I wanked upside down.
1798
01:18:21,731 --> 01:18:22,939
Oh, no, I couldn’t...
1799
01:18:23,077 --> 01:18:24,389
I couldn’t even understand
what it was.
1800
01:18:24,527 --> 01:18:27,185
I was looking at it going,
"What the fuck is that?"
1801
01:18:28,669 --> 01:18:33,018
Oh, no, that’s not jizz.
That’s not jizz.
1802
01:18:33,156 --> 01:18:34,640
That’s not jizz.
That’s not jizz.
1803
01:18:34,779 --> 01:18:36,504
Oh, fuck you.
That’s not jizz.
1804
01:18:36,642 --> 01:18:38,921
That’s not jizz. No, no.
1805
01:18:43,028 --> 01:18:45,168
You’ve gotta be sure.
1806
01:18:45,306 --> 01:18:47,584
And I panicked.
I just rubbed it in.
1807
01:18:47,723 --> 01:18:49,103
What are you gonna do?
1808
01:18:49,241 --> 01:18:50,415
You’re on a school car park
with jizz on your arm,
1809
01:18:50,553 --> 01:18:51,554
you can’t just
fucking leave it there.
1810
01:18:51,692 --> 01:18:53,245
And then the dread set in.
1811
01:18:53,383 --> 01:18:54,557
Cos I realised everyone was
looking at me on the playground.
1812
01:18:54,695 --> 01:18:55,938
I was like, oh, my God.
1813
01:18:56,076 --> 01:18:57,387
Everyone was looking at you
on the playground
1814
01:18:57,525 --> 01:18:59,182
and you had a big fucking line
of jizz on your arm.
1815
01:18:59,320 --> 01:19:01,495
This is the worst thing ever.
You can never come back here.
1816
01:19:01,633 --> 01:19:03,393
And then I thought, no,
no one must have seen it
1817
01:19:03,531 --> 01:19:07,984
because you’d think someone,
someone would go, "Excuse me."
1818
01:19:10,297 --> 01:19:13,610
"Is that, is that,
is that, is that,
1819
01:19:13,749 --> 01:19:16,475
is that, is that, is that,
is that jizz on your arm?"
1820
01:19:16,613 --> 01:19:18,650
But then I thought,
"They wouldn’t."
1821
01:19:18,788 --> 01:19:20,410
Some of them mums
are bitches, mate.
1822
01:19:20,548 --> 01:19:21,722
They won’t say fuck all.
1823
01:19:21,860 --> 01:19:23,068
They’ll just start
a WhatsApp group,
1824
01:19:23,206 --> 01:19:25,864
they’ll start
a fucking WhatsApp group.
1825
01:19:26,002 --> 01:19:28,280
And I’m sat
in the car convinced of what’s happening.
1826
01:19:28,418 --> 01:19:30,006
"There’s a WhatsApp group,
a WhatsApp group
1827
01:19:30,144 --> 01:19:31,732
and I’m the only person
not in it
1828
01:19:31,870 --> 01:19:33,389
and it’s called
Paul Jizzy Arm."
1829
01:19:33,527 --> 01:19:36,461
"Fuck! My life’s over
and I can never come back here."
1830
01:19:36,599 --> 01:19:38,463
And now I’m rehearsing
a horrible mental conversation
1831
01:19:38,601 --> 01:19:40,120
where I’ve got to explain
to my poor son
1832
01:19:40,258 --> 01:19:41,984
who loves that school,
he’s got loads of mates,
1833
01:19:42,122 --> 01:19:43,640
why he can never go back.
1834
01:19:43,779 --> 01:19:45,366
He won’t understand.
He’ll think it’s his fault.
1835
01:19:45,504 --> 01:19:47,023
He’ll be like, "Why, Daddy,
I miss all my friends."
1836
01:19:47,161 --> 01:19:50,406
And I’d be like,
"Cos I had an accident, OK?"
1837
01:19:50,544 --> 01:19:52,373
And then I realised I was
overreacting a little bit
1838
01:19:52,511 --> 01:19:54,030
cos I got off lightly
if anything, me.
1839
01:19:54,168 --> 01:19:55,273
Cos fuck me,
that could have been bad.
1840
01:19:55,411 --> 01:19:57,206
Like, the situation
I’m in there.
1841
01:19:57,344 --> 01:19:58,863
I’m stood there, I’m picking
my little lad up from school.
1842
01:19:59,001 --> 01:20:00,588
Some little kid just
running too fast,
1843
01:20:00,726 --> 01:20:02,107
no one’s fault,
accident, clips her own heel,
1844
01:20:02,245 --> 01:20:03,453
goes flying,
concrete playground.
1845
01:20:03,591 --> 01:20:05,076
Little glasses on,
could smash your face in,
1846
01:20:05,214 --> 01:20:06,629
could be scarred for life.
And I didn’t think.
1847
01:20:06,767 --> 01:20:07,803
I just reacted
and I stepped in
1848
01:20:07,941 --> 01:20:09,528
and I stopped that
from happening.
1849
01:20:09,666 --> 01:20:11,358
And that absolutely has to be
the morally correct thing to do.
1850
01:20:11,496 --> 01:20:15,362
I can’t see how it couldn’t be.
But she landed there.
1851
01:20:20,229 --> 01:20:22,921
I was an inch away from peeling
that child off my arm
1852
01:20:23,059 --> 01:20:25,268
like fucking Spider-Man.
1853
01:20:25,406 --> 01:20:26,649
And then what?
Would that have made it
1854
01:20:26,787 --> 01:20:28,271
the wrong thing to have done?
1855
01:20:28,409 --> 01:20:29,755
Should I have let her hit the
floor and be scarred for life
1856
01:20:29,894 --> 01:20:31,102
because the fucking police have
turned up.
1857
01:20:31,240 --> 01:20:33,104
Is this your semen
in this child’s hair?
1858
01:20:33,967 --> 01:20:35,485
And you can’t say, "No, mate."
1859
01:20:35,623 --> 01:20:37,556
You can’t say no because
they’re gonna do a DNA test.
1860
01:20:37,694 --> 01:20:40,145
And if you say no and it
turns out it is on a DNA test,
1861
01:20:40,283 --> 01:20:41,560
that just looks well worse,
doesn’t it?
1862
01:20:41,698 --> 01:20:43,286
You’d have to stand there
on the playground
1863
01:20:43,424 --> 01:20:45,426
in front of everyone and just
hold your hand up and go,
1864
01:20:45,564 --> 01:20:46,703
"Yes, officer,
1865
01:20:46,842 --> 01:20:48,533
I think that is my semen
in the child’s hair."
1866
01:20:48,671 --> 01:20:50,673
"But I’m really sorry.
I didn’t know it was there."
1867
01:20:50,811 --> 01:20:52,226
"I had a little wank
this afternoon,
1868
01:20:52,364 --> 01:20:53,469
I had Pornhub on full volume,
1869
01:20:53,607 --> 01:20:55,091
I must have got
a bit too excited."
1870
01:20:55,229 --> 01:20:56,437
But they’re not gonna take
that as an excuse.
1871
01:20:56,575 --> 01:20:58,060
Are they fuck?
You’re getting handcuffed,
1872
01:20:58,198 --> 01:20:59,509
you’re getting marched
off the playground.
1873
01:20:59,647 --> 01:21:01,615
Everyone’s filming it.
Trial by social media.
1874
01:21:01,753 --> 01:21:03,720
You’re guilty before you can
get in the fucking car, mate.
1875
01:21:03,859 --> 01:21:05,584
It’s all over Twitter and
Instagram and TikTok.
1876
01:21:05,722 --> 01:21:09,657
Paedophile Paul Smith jizzes
in a child’s hair.
1877
01:21:09,795 --> 01:21:11,314
Your life’s over, mate.
1878
01:21:11,452 --> 01:21:13,213
You’ll never be able to walk
the streets again ever again.
1879
01:21:13,351 --> 01:21:14,317
Ever again.
That’s if you’ve got a chance to as well,
1880
01:21:14,455 --> 01:21:16,181
because you fucking wouldn’t.
1881
01:21:16,319 --> 01:21:17,182
You’d never, ever, you’d never
walk the streets again
1882
01:21:17,320 --> 01:21:18,632
cos they wouldn’t let you.
1883
01:21:18,770 --> 01:21:20,047
They’d throw the book at you.
That’s me.
1884
01:21:20,185 --> 01:21:21,497
I’m sat in my car
imagining myself
1885
01:21:21,635 --> 01:21:25,121
walking onto the nonce wing
day one,
1886
01:21:25,259 --> 01:21:27,606
day one of a 20-year stretch,
thinking,
1887
01:21:27,744 --> 01:21:29,091
"How the fuck did this happen?"
1888
01:21:29,229 --> 01:21:30,678
"What an absolute whirlwind."
1889
01:21:30,816 --> 01:21:33,233
"I had the Lamborghini, I was
doing a world tour, and now
1890
01:21:33,371 --> 01:21:35,407
I’m in the nonce wing just
cos I wanted a little wank
1891
01:21:35,545 --> 01:21:40,240
in the afternoon.
And tried to be a fucking hero."
1892
01:21:50,112 --> 01:21:51,492
Dublin.
1893
01:21:57,602 --> 01:21:59,466
When they told me
they would let me film a special
1894
01:21:59,604 --> 01:22:01,192
and asked me
where they wanted to do it,
1895
01:22:01,330 --> 01:22:02,710
this just, this was
the first place.
1896
01:22:02,848 --> 01:22:04,609
I said I couldn’t imagine
anywhere better to do it
1897
01:22:04,747 --> 01:22:06,300
than this place.
You’re beautiful people
1898
01:22:06,438 --> 01:22:08,924
and it’s
just fucking been incredible.
1899
01:22:09,062 --> 01:22:10,132
Thank you so much.
1900
01:22:10,270 --> 01:22:11,754
I really appreciate
you all coming.
1901
01:22:11,892 --> 01:22:14,446
Thank you so much.
I hope you’ve enjoyed it.
1902
01:22:14,584 --> 01:22:16,483
I’ll see you all again
on the next one.
1903
01:22:16,621 --> 01:22:18,485
Good night, everyone.