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Terrific.
Keep up the pace, ladies. Keep going!
It's the memory of the real thing
You had known since you were five
She's the only girl you ever
Wanted to be in your life
What? No.
Auguste!
Auguste, what are you doing?!
You fucking psycho!
Wake up, Luna. You can't call people psycho anymore.
Oh, well, you're literally throwing my shit out of the window!
That is textbook definition of psycho!
You took a video of me while I was sleeping!
To show you how loud you snore.
You legit have sleep apnea!
That can't be any worse than you leaving your bloody pads in our open trash can.
Our entire room smells like a fucking Italian sub!
Auguste!
No, anything but the air fryer!
You use the shit more than I do.
-Oh! -And you don't even ask!
Stop!
I have a Chipotle delivery for Steve.
Ow!
Ladies! My office. Now.
Oh my God, you're nasty.
And you are trash!
You're a fucking pick-me-ass bitch! How 'bout that?
I need her to move out!
Enough!
Ladies, when you two moved in together at the start of the year,
you were inseparable, remember that?
It worked. You hung out. You laughed. You partied.
Okay, but that's before I found out that she's awful.
You literally have no good qualities!
-Oh my God! -Please.
Hey, guys, guys. It's October.
You got the rest of the year ahead of you, okay?
If you don't figure out how to coexist now in that tiny little dorm room,
things are going to escalate into a very bad situation.
-How can it get worse? -There's no getting worse than her.
-I'm in hell. -She's annoying!
-I am in hell. -"I'm in hell."
We're both in hell!
God. Trust me.
-I've seen it. -Hate you.
-Shut the fuck up. -Shut the fuck up.
It can get so much worse.
-Shut the fuck up! -You shut the fuck up!
Shut the fuck up!
It all started with a student who was, um…
How can I describe her while still remaining a professional?
She was a hard worker, but, uh… a low-key pussy.
It's time to welcome your valedictorian, Rebecca Anderson.
Wait, that's not her.
That's her.
You didn't think she was the valedictorian, did you?
I mean, Devon was smart, and people were always happy to see her,
but they also didn't notice when she wasn't around.
For me, school was more than just the classes, the football games,
and of course, everybody's least favorite lunch.
Like, why taco bagels?
Blow me.
What I'll remember most… are the friends that I made here.
Friends that I will cherish for the rest of my life.
And in the words of the greatest orator of our time,
"How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard?"
And that
was Winnie-the-Pooh.
Aw.
Sweet!
Amazing.
I see you! Hi, honey!
-You were the best one. -Hi.
Do you want us to take a picture of you with anyone?
No, no. I got a bunch before the ceremony.
-Okay. -You sure? Your Snapchat looks lonely.
-That one's cute. -Yeah.
That one, and then the last one's like…
-Put it down. -Okay.
We look so good right now.
I actually see my friends, so…
Oh, so let's go say hi.
No. Oh my God. I'll just… I'll meet you by the car.
-Okay. -Okay, bye.
-Hey, Bella, Ella, Emma, Ava. -Devon, jump in.
Oh, sure.
Aw.
Do you mind if we get one with just the Core Four?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Sure.
Thanks.
-That's kinda brutal. -Oh, Devon, wait.
Yes.
We need to officially add an honorary fifth member.
Señor Michaels!
Uh-oh. Better get my good side.
Do you mind taking it?
Yeah, yeah, no problem.
Now go full sluts.
And hit, angle, butt.
And, hon, can you go a little bit higher? Yeah. Sorry. I'm, like, 40.
-Babe, you want a tea? -Yeah, baby. Sleepy time.
Hey. What's going on?
Emma's party's at 10:00. It's 9:45 already.
Uh, yeah. I'm not going.
Your hair and makeup is all done.
It seems like, at some point, you were going.
Now I'm in sweatpants,
so it'd be physically impossible to leave the house.
-That makes sense. -That does make sense.
-What are we, uh… cooking here? -Honey, that's not for you.
-You already ate. -I know.
I'm just curious what is so delicious
that it's keeping our daughter from going to the party.
Honey, are you sure you don't wanna go? I feel like it's a big night.
Yeah, high school was a waste. I'll… make friends in college.
Yeah, but you love your high-school friends.
There's Ella, Emma, Enema… Anemic.
Not their names.
Didn't Emma invite you to her party?
She invited me to the party that literally every senior is invited to.
But then, after that, everyone goes to an after-party
with their actual friend group.
Bella's having a sleepover, and I didn't get an invite, okay?
Well, that's just 'cause they were gonna be doing Special K
and horse tranqs to celebrate, and they didn't want to in front of you
'cause they know you're better.
Skipping the party?
Good for you. Fuck 'em.
Yeah!
Yeah, fuck 'em in the ass.
I'm glad I never learned their names, these stupid fuckin' cunts.
-What the fuck is going on with you? -Dad!
What?
-Don't say that! -Like you said…
Someone get Dad some ketamine. He's losing it.
Maybe we should all do some ketamine.
-So, uh, when's your orientation thing? -Couple weeks.
-Okay. Soon. -Yeah.
Here's a question for you.
If it's to orient you to Walton, why is it in the woods?
Probably 'cause it's about bonding and not school.
Well, you're super outdoorsy, so that'll be great.
Hmm.
I'm just excited to start fresh.
Yeah. Totally.
I don't need to make, like, a zillion friends at school.
I just really want, like, a best friend, you know?
Dude, I'm your best friend.
I meant outside of this house.
Just try not to put too much pressure on it.
-People can tell when you're thirsty. -Mm.
Isn't that so pathetic?
I'm about to go to college, and I've never had a best friend.
I don't know, it's not nearly as pathetic as watching you pretend to smoke a joint.
What? I… I'm…
-I'm doin' it. -Ah… I don't know.
-You have to inhale to feel. -I'm not even kidding. I will.
-I felt it. I promise you. -Okay.
I feel… something.
-Yeah? -Not nothing.
That's good.
Hi, guys. Um… I'm Ellie.
Welcome to orientation.
Remember, this is for you guys to have fun and get to know each other.
The only expert here today is your adventure guide, Goose.
What's up, everybody? Thank you, Ellie.
Goose! That's me. I didn't go to Walton 'cause I didn't have it like that.
I work here. Let's get to it.
So when you're on the ropes, you're gonna have an instinct,
an urge to touch the bar.
Do not. Don't touch the metal bar.
I'm telling you, you will gash your motherfuckin' hand.
All right? Final Destination-type shit.
Also, remember, you got a harness.
All right, but, honestly, like, just pretend like the harness isn't there
'cause even with the harness, falls ain't comfy, bruh.
We haven't had any deaths out here.
We had one lady turn into a vegetable, but she's in good spirits now.
Y'all can smoke out here,
you can drink as long as you share it with the Goose, baby.
-Goose is loose. Any questions? -Sorry I'm late.
Are you part of this group?
-Yeah. -You just missed the whole spiel, dude.
I… I can figure it out.
What's your name?
Goose.
That's hilarious.
What's your name?
Celeste.
That's hilarious!
Stick 'em up, palms up…
Every freshman knows that you will be fucked
if you don't make friends at orientation.
Devon was determined to find the thing she wanted most,
a college bestie.
Are people hanging out tonight, or what's the deal?
One girl started a Snap group.
-I can add you. -Can I get on that chat?
-But the harder Devon tried… -Yeah, sure.
Okay, I'll find you later.
…the more desperate she seemed.
Scared the shit out of me.
As the day went on,
Devon was convinced that she was gonna be exactly who she was in high school,
a girl with no friends.
Oh no!
Hey, try holding on to this thingy.
Okay, thank you.
Stick 'em up…
Hey! Oh my God! What the hell?!
Bro, do you have a fucking brain?
I like your tattoos.
Suck my dick!
Sheesh.
Let's go!
What's up, Big Time? You scared? You look scared.
Yeah, well, you look like you just lost custody.
-Ooh! -Well, that's hilarious!
-I don't even have a wife. -Um…
Sorry, is… is there a way to go slower?
No. So when I get the okay signal, that's when you step down and when you go.
Okay, so go now.
-No. No! -What was I supposed to do?
Oh my God! I…
-Watch out! Watch out! -Ah!
You kicked me in my titty!
I'm sorry!
That girl needs training wheels.
All right, everyone!
Guys! All right.
Hey! Eyes up here!
Hi.
So we will now be splitting up into teams of two for the scavenger hike.
Uh, the winning team gets these awesome unisex hoodies.
-Whoo! -Yeah, really exciting.
So, pick a partner wisely.
I'm gonna have a great time. You?
Whoever doesn't have a partner can partner up with me,
and I will take the time with you to bitch about my open relationship.
Wanna be partners?
Heads-up, I suck at scavenger hunts.
Got it.
"For five points, take a photo of someone waxing their legs."
Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
Yeah, no, 80 grand a year, and they couldn't give us the hoodies?
Where are you from?
Montclair, New Jersey. You?
Stamford, Connecticut, but, like, the shit part.
Whatever. It made me stronger. What are you gonna major in?
Architectural design, maybe with a minor in construction management.
-Same. -Really?
God no. No. I'll do fashion merchandising or comms, I think.
I don't know. Whatever's easier.
I'm, like, the first person in my family to go to college,
so the stakes could not be lower.
Wow, that's a big deal. You should be, like, really proud.
I'm sorry. When I said you should be proud,
I didn't mean to tell you what should be.
I'm sure you feel very proud without me telling you to feel--
Stop worrying.
If there's one thing you need to know about me, I don't give a fuck.
Now, Dr. Schilling, you know the people who say they don't give a fuck
give the most fucks.
No, Celeste truly did not give a fuck.
Aw! Can I pick her up?
My bubbie, Melissa. Course you can.
Hey, cutie-patootie. You're so cute.
Oh, shut the fuck up with this baby shit, and please let the lady finish her story.
-I have a brow tint at four. -She's so fucking rude.
Okay, four o'clock tint, respect.
Might wanna get a little tweeze while you're at it.
Okay, even though orientation was only a couple days,
you would've thought Devon and Celeste had been best friends for years.
They went boating. They French-braided each other's hair.
I mean, there was so much girl-on-girl intimacy,
it was giving lesbian period piece.
Wait, were they?
No.
Ugh, boring.
But, on the last morning of orientation,
Devon decided to pop the big question.
Hi!
Do you need a ride?
Oh, uh, no. My parents are gonna come pick me up.
-Aw, family girl. -Yeah.
That's cute.
Hey, I was gonna ask you last night, and then I was like, "Don't be thirsty."
By the way, I don't say that word, thirsty.
Devon, stop. We're good.
Okay… Um…
Would you wanna be roommates with me?
I have honors housing, so it's on the main campus,
and we'd have our own bathroom.
Yes.
Okay. Okay. Yay! Oh my God.
Uh, I'll text you and stuff.
We can figure out who wants what side and everything.
And I have a mini-fridge.
Well, it's my dad's mini-fridge, but my mom told me I could take it.
-That's sick. -Yeah.
Hey, so you know, I'm not looking for just a roommate.
I'm looking for a ride or die.
I've had fake friends before, and I do not need that.
You know what I need?
I need someone who will bury the body.
Will you do that, Devon?
I'll bring the lime and the duct tape and the hacksaws and the ponchos.
Fuck yeah, you thirsty little freak.
Yes, thirsty.
-Hey, Celeste. I was gonna ask-- -I already have a roommate.
-Okay. All right, bye. -Beep-beep.
-Bye, Dev. -Bye!
Two weeks had passed since Celeste agreed to be Devon's roommate.
At first, the girls had talked constantly,
but, recently, Celeste had gone silent over text.
Packing up for college, Devon was spinning out.
Was Celeste even gonna show up?
Here's what it is…
Okay.
All right.
Pumpkin Spice is all packed up with everything in the house.
Here are the keys to your car
that I have packed entirely with no help from you.
Sorry.
Are you sure that you don't want us to drive you?
We could help you decorate your room.
No, no. I don't think anyone's parents are doing that.
That's what literally every other parent is doing,
but you're the boss.
Yeah.
One final thing.
No, Dad, I have the money I made this summer.
-I'll take it. -Get the fuck out of here with that.
This is for emergencies, and booze is not an emergency.
-Okay. -Neither are edibles.
-Thanks, Dad. I appreciate it. -All right, hold on! One more thing.
Here, my girl.
Mom, no, I'm gonna break them. They're too nice.
If you break 'em, you break 'em. Just don't put them in the microwave.
Great, now I gotta repack the whole trunk. It's gonna be a thing.
Oh.
Wow. Aw, you're bringing Slowpoke.
-Yeah, of course. -Cute.
Dad, no heart attacks. Let me do it.
I got it, I got it, I got it. Just…
Okay.
Um…
I don't have class for, like, a week, so… maybe I just stay here.
And then I go next semester or something like that?
Honey, honey, you're spiraling.
It's gonna be amazing.
Yeah, but what if I don't make any friends?
You will make friends.
If you don't, fuck 'em.
Yeah, and let Slowpoke watch you fuck 'em.
-Unnecessary. -Don't do that!
-What? He's a pervert. -You're the pervert!
That's so gross.
-He's a family friend, but he's a pervert. -Don't tell your friends.
Nobody knows
Why we keep trying
And so on it goes…
Oh my God. Um…
Just be careful with that.
-Hi. Welcome. -Hi.
-I got it. Don't worry. -Okay. Okay.
Wow. You guys work very quick.
A baby is born…
-I'm gonna miss you. -You're gonna be okay.
As a man lay dying
-I can't believe we're roommates! -I can't believe it either!
Very exciting.
-Hi. -You scared me.
-We have a fucking pink toilet. -Um…
Did you see the toilet?
-Oh my God, it's beautiful. -Look at it.
It's a pink toilet! It's a pink toilet!
It's a pink toilet!
You've expressed explicitly
Your contempt for matrimony
You've student loans to pay…
Everything you need to know about me is in these four posters.
Really? Good to know.
We spend our days locked in a room
Content inside a bubble
By the way, you can put whatever you want in the mini-fridge.
It's, like, both of ours.
Your dad's mini-fridge.
I wonder what else Dad's getting us this year.
This will be my kombucha palace.
Those are really pretty.
Ugh. No, my mom made them.
Wait, no, we… we should have 'em out.
Yeah, great.
You know what would be my worst nightmare?
What?
If you had shown up
and immediately started stringing hundreds of tiny Polaroids.
-You know? -Yes, with the twinkly lights.
So desperate. Like, okay, you have friends.
You don't need an entire shrine to them in your dorm room.
And it's… it's also low-key a fire hazard.
Okay, Smokey the Bear.
Such a good point.
Oh my God, what an ugly dog!
-Fuck you, man. -That is crazy.
Um… what time do you typically go to bed?
-Top five baby stand-ups… -Um, like, 3:00 a.m.
You?
I kinda go to bed now.
You didn't do a very good job because I got in the motherf***ing house!
Is that okay… if I go to bed now?
Spin the bottle, cousin edition!
Thank you.
-Oh my God. -Back up. Put it in reverse!
Oh Lord! Lord Jesus!
Oh Lor…
Hospital pranks!
Oh, fuck! What the hell? What the fuck is…
Watch me eat shrimp and jump on a trampoline.
Do you mind if you turn your light off, if that's possible?
Yeah.
You ever think there's at least one person jacking off right now?
-My bad. -I do, but I don't mind…
-724. Can I get an "Oh yeah"? -Good night, Devon.
Have a nice sleep.
Seven things from Sephora that are easy to shoplift.
Gaslighting is bad, unless the person you're gaslighting is a…
Seven minutes of crazy animal sounds.
Did you sleep okay?
Yeah, not bad. How about you?
I don't know. I feel like we need blackout curtains.
I just said that!
Oh, hi.
I'm Amber. Um… I guess we're neighbors.
I'm really sorry we were kinda loud last night.
I was trying to put up a shelf, and Olivia was--
-I'm practicing for fall auditions, so… -Yeah.
-I'm Celeste. This is Devon. -Hi.
You guys wanna see our room?
It's cute.
Mm… mm…
-Told you this shit was stupid. -Hey, it's fine.
-Excuse me. Sorry. -Hi.
Hi. Do you know how to get to the lower dining hall?
Yeah, it's just right there. It closes at 11.
-Wait, what time is it now? -It's, uh… 10:58.
Shit. Okay.
Go! Run!
-Guys, go! -I'm going! I'm going!
-We need bacon! -Don't take it away!
Give me eggs! Give me eggs!
Give me the eggs!
-Help! -Wait.
Let's go, ladies. Come on.
Did you get the bacon?
Can we talk registration?
'Cause I'm a premed student,
and I need a class I can, like, disassociate through.
Yeah, I think I've heard Poetry in America is easy.
Easy? I'm in. Let's do it.
I love poets.
They all commit suicide in the craziest ways.
-Okay. -Celeste, we missed you last night.
We were at, like, 12 different guys's rooms.
It was random but fun.
-Wow. -So what's up with tonight?
-Are we goin' out? -I don't know.
I have to check with my social director.
Do we wanna go out?
Yeah, yeah, we're definitely going out tonight.
What are you thinking of wearing tonight? I don't really know what the vibe is.
-Do I wear-- -I know.
Hey, Patterson, can I call you back? I'm with my roommate.
-Okay. Bye. -Were you on the phone?
-You don't have to hang up. -No, it was just my therapist.
We were at final thoughts anyway. He's my crutch.
Wow, you guys talk a lot. That's great.
Yeah, I have a lot of family stuff.
My dad was a janitor at my high school, so it was kind of loaded.
Coming!
I want to feel it…
Hey, Kyle from Instacart.
Thank you, stud. You get five stars just for being hot.
I'm actually gay, so…
All right, uh, blackout curtains are here.
And a bunch of other shit.
Don't mind me while…
What's your Venmo? I'll split this.
We're roommates.
We can't be counting who owes who what.
Besides, we're in the same boat. Drowning in student loans.
Wait, Devon.
Do your parents pay your full tuition?
-Is that bad? -No, just must be nice.
Well, I mean, I worked all summer at Wetzel's Pretzels,
and my mom and dad make me pay for books and gas and stuff.
I love this smokey eye. Can I do one thing?
Uh, sure.
Slide-tackling my mind…
Yeah. You got big-ass lips.
-Might as well line that shit. -Oh my God.
-It looks fire. -Thank you.
2511!
Friday pregame! Who wants a shot?
-Me! -All right.
-Pregame! -Starting at 6:30.
-Oh yeah. -Okay.
Aw, is this about to be Devon's Core Four?
Maybe. So, the girls went out that night to--
-Senior row. -Literally our first weekend.
I feel like our night there was kind of a bust though.
Oh my God. You think everything sucks.
We went to go get pizza at Chi-Chi's.
Yeah, we thought we were sitting next to CeeLo Green,
but it turned out to be a fat gay guy wearing a cape.
Anyways, the girls went out that night,
each curating their individual looks.
Seriously?
Hi.
I'm going to a party, baby.
No, I don't know how many guys are gonna be there.
Sorry, it's my boyfriend again.
What the heck is going on? Why can't we get in anywhere?
It's because we're freshmen.
Senior girls feel threatened by us.
My thing is, like, we're not gonna hook up with your boyfriends, okay?
So just let us have your alcohol. What is…
-What are you doing? -What is this?
I don't want you to just stay in your room, babe, 'cause that's sad.
Okay, yeah, I'll send you a pic from the bathroom, I guess.
Jesus Christ.
Again, it's, like, not ever ending.
-What? What? -What? Oh.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is a closed party. Club Ultimate Frisbee members only.
Well, that's perfect. We've been meaning to join.
Uh… Yeah, totally. Love Frisbee.
-It's the ultimate. -I was on my high-school club team.
Oh, y'all can flick it.
Then, ladies, come on in.
See you at practice.
Legend!
6:30 a.m. on Sundays,
so… be there.
No.
I typed a text to a girl I used to see
Sayin' that I chose this cutie-pie With whom I wanna be
And I apologize If this message gets you down
Then I CC'ed every girl That I'd see-see round town
Hate to see y'all frown But I'd rather see her smilin'
Wetness all around me, true But I'm no island
Peninsula maybe Makes no sense, I know crazy…
Holy shit!
We should take a photo.
-Yes, yes, yes, yes! -Thank you.
Drive a Kompressor Top-notch hos get the…
-Cute! -Cute.
-Will you take one of just me and Dev? -Mm-hmm.
-Go, go, go! -Yeah.
You look really cute.
-Cute! -Cute!
-Really cute! -Send it to me.
-I will. -Send it to me.
Smashed up the gray one…
Yeah, shake that! Yeah.
Hit the parkin' lot, we turn heads
Some hos wanna choose But them bitches too scary
Your bitch chose me You ain't a pimp, you a fairy
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh oh oh-oh
-Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh oh oh-oh -I choose you, girl
Yeah…
Woo-hoo!
Baby, you been rollin' solo Time to get down with the team
The grass is greener…
Hi.
I got you.
Oh!
Oh my God. Take it, take it!
Oh my God!
That ain't my style
Need a real street stalker To walk a green mile
We pilin' up the paper…
Oh
Honey, I need you round
I know
Just motherfucking kiss!
Oh, oh, oh
Honey, I need you round…
Oh, I would not use that.
The Brita has been in there since, like, last year.
Thank you.
What do I smell?
Does it smell good or bad?
I'm not sure.
This is paella.
Got obsessed with it when I lived in Spain and been craving it ever since I got back.
Mm.
-You wanna try some? -Uh, yeah, yeah, sure.
Oh my God!
It's really spicy.
-It's bad. Yeah. -Yeah.
-It's hot. -It's not good.
I'm sorry. All we have is salt, onion powder, and red chili flakes.
When were you in Spain?
Last semester.
I was doing a Gaudi seminar in Barcelona.
Wait, are you an architecture major?
-Yeah. -Me too!
Or… I will be when classes start.
Oh, you're a freshman.
Yeah. Yeah.
Freshman Devon.
I mean, I am a freshman, and my name is Devon.
Okay, we're up next for beer pong,
and I gotta be honest, I'm really bad. Ow!
-Who are you? -Uh, Michael.
Michael, I'm watching you. You fuck with her, you fuck with me.
Copy that.
-No, she's just drunk. No. -Woo-hoo!
Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink!
Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink!
Drink, drink, drink, drink!
We're never gonna die!
Ah!
You okay?
So that guy was just, like, making rice in the middle of a party?
First I thought it was sad, but then I realized it was definitely sad.
-Yeah. -Senior though.
-I don't mind that part. -Oh my God.
It's 'cause your boyfriend's in 12th grade.
Love of my life.
Older guys always like younger girls. It's fucking gross.
I think he's only 21.
Oh, well then, that's whatever, then. I'm 20.
You're 20?
What? I went to USC for a little bit, and then I bailed out to do a gap year.
More like thigh-gap year.
I'm sorry. I'm trying wordplay. It's not working.
It's insane that that's what you think wordplay is!
Okay. Oh my God, I'm too hungover, and I'm still concussed.
You're not concussed. You're just stupid.
I need you to learn how to drink before we go to Panama City
because I'm not gonna babysit your ass out there.
Wait, when are you guys going to Panama City?
Spring break. You guys should come!
You should, but you have to buy tickets right now.
For April?
Everyone from Walton goes.
-It sells out, like, immediately. -Yeah.
-I'm gonna send you the link right now. -I'm down.
I mean, I don't have my card on me,
but if you book the flights and stuff, I'll Venmo you.
-You have to do it today. -You should do it right now.
-You're gonna pay me back, right? -Oh my…
Oh my God, shut up. Just buy it. Please, please, please!
-Please! Mommy! -Come on!
Oh my God, just do it!
Florida, Florida, Florida, Florida!
Florida, Florida!
I'm still drunk.
-Let's do it. -Yeah!
-We're actually all going to Panama City? -Yes!
I'm so gonna make Devon get a tattoo there!
I'm not doing that.
-Yeah, all of this, yeah. -I know.
Good morning, everyone.
-How are we? -Good.
That good, huh?
Okay, show of hands, who completed the assignment for the first day?
I see the models of your favorite buildings. Good.
And who did not?
And why didn't you?
Uh, just because the first line of the syllabus said
to read the whole syllabus,
and the last line said to disregard all assignments for the first day.
Yes! First rule of structural design, read the fucking syllabus!
For those who did make models, will they be graded?
They will not.
And you should be glad.
Everybody, back there is your section TA, Michael.
If you are ever getting the urge to email me,
email Michael instead.
My office hours are Friday from two to four, but email me whenever.
I live for your long-winded excuses written by ChatGPT.
He's her TA? This could go so good or so bad.
But they can't do anything. The power dynamics are off.
Girl, bye. He's still a student. It's totally fine.
So did she get that TA dick?
I'll tell you more about their burgeoning romance outside.
Gotta take Melissa for her walk. I see her tushy hole is throbbing.
Ew!
What molecule carries genetic information?
-Nucleus. -No.
What type of blood cells fight infection?
-Nucleus. -No.
Ugh, I feel like shit.
-Why don't you go to our room and sleep? -I can't.
I have a paper on the history of denim due tomorrow.
How much do you have written?
None.
I'll do it. You just… you go rest.
Don't you have your design midterm due tomorrow?
No, it's done. It's on my desk. I just have to study for art history now.
Okay.
-Thank you. -Mm-hmm.
I promise I'll make it up to you, my little genius.
If I were you,
I would not sleep in our dorm tonight.
You do not wanna get what I have, trust me.
Girl, cover your mouth.
Hello.
-Bro, what the fuck? -Yo!
We studying.
I'm sorry.
-You wanna meet me outside? -Yeah.
Okay.
-How did you get my number? -I, uh… The class contact form.
I'm sorry if that was weird, by the way. I was trying to be funny.
-It was very weird. -Yeah.
But I liked it.
-Which way are you headed? -Back to Addison.
Oh, honors dorm.
The only dorm on campus with your own bathroom.
Yes, living the dream, pooing in my own room.
Yep.
-Yeah. -Awesome.
So what got Freshman Devon into architecture, anyways?
Actually, my grandma Gigi lives in a Frank Lloyd Wright house.
-What? -Yeah.
No freakin' way!
Technically, Marion Mahony Griffin designed it.
-She was a draftsman at his firm. -Yeah, I know who she is.
That's maybe even cooler.
I think I wanna visit Gigi.
Well, she loves visitors.
She'll make you Negronis and ask you to dance with her.
Okay. I'm all in on Gigi.
But I have to warn you, if she kisses you on the cheek,
it's never gonna come off.
Damn.
Gigi sounds like my type.
-Well, she's single. -Okay.
Hey, Celeste. I brought you soup and a Pedia--
Hey, you're in my poetry class.
Oh my God.
You know, I kinda went down on you, but you--
-Get the fuck out. -All right.
I'm Theo, by the way.
I'll see you in class.
Ooh.
I pushed the beds together because he was a wrestler.
-He was, like, kinda huge. -Yeah, I thought you were sick.
I think it was just allergies. I tried calling you.
Okay. Um…
Here's your paper.
Oh, thank you.
You mind emailing it to me too? I might wanna make a couple tweaks.
Yeah. Sure.
Did we break your thing?
Yeah.
I'll figure it out.
-Who's calling? -Devon.
Oh.
-Hi. -Hi, honey.
Where are you? It looks dangerous.
What? I'm in the laundry room. I'm just washing my sheets.
What's wrong? What's going on?
-It's just Celeste. She's so annoying. -I thought you liked her.
-What do you mean? -She just…
I offered to help her with her paper because she said she was sick,
and when I got home, she was randomly way better.
Hey, sweetheart, we don't do other people's schoolwork.
Oh my God, Dad, you're missing the point.
Okay? I'm gonna go.
-Babe. -No! Don't go.
Let's talk about it.
Let us know, what's she doing to you, sweetie?
My entire mini-fridge is full of her stinky kombucha bottles.
She doesn't clean the bathroom ever.
She borrowed my new hoodie, and I hadn't even taken the price tag off.
-Mm-hmm. -But, Dev… Okay. Uh…
Have you tried… talking to her?
What? No. That would be so weird.
Hey, sweetheart, look, we don't talk about people.
We talk to them, okay?
-Right. -Understand?
Dad, it's a FaceTime.
Take it away from your ear.
-Ah! -He thought it was an EarTime, honey.
-It's fine. -I just miss you guys.
We miss you too.
We miss you too, and you are coming home, okay?
-Thanksgiving is a few weeks away. -Okay.
While we're talking about travel, I did see a charge for $4,000
for plane tickets on the emergency credit cards.
Oh my God, I'm sorry. That's for spring break.
I'll Venmo you once Celeste pays me back.
Doesn't she have her own father to take advantage of?
-Oh my God. -I can't believe there's machines open.
-Hi. -That is nuts. Are you on FaceTime?
Yeah, I'm on FaceTime with my parents.
Oh my God!
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. I'm Celeste.
-Hi, Celeste. -Hey, kiddo.
Hey, your daughter is legitimately my favorite part about college.
Aw.
You know what? She says the same thing about you.
-Doesn't she, honey? -She really does.
Celeste, honey, what are you doing for the holidays?
Anything nice for Thanksgiving?
Um… Probably stay on campus, um… because I have some family stuff going on.
But it'll be good to catch up on some sleep.
Wow. Sorry, my therapist is calling.
-At midnight? -It was nice to meet you!
Celeste, it's so nice to meet you, honey.
-Devon? Dev? -Yeah?
Invite her here.
-What? No. -Dev.
She's doing a shrink at midnight, okay? She looks like some sort of a vagabond.
-Can you say gypsy anymore? -No.
It's nice to have a friend. You like her, so just work it out.
Did you not just hear what I said? I'm not inviting her.
Invite her here.
It won't stay
But I'll talk to you Till it's gone again…
Oh my God, I'm so happy to be off campus.
Thank you, Dev.
Yeah, it's gonna be fun.
Um, also,
I just wanted to say sorry about that night during midterms.
You know, when you do something, then afterwards you realize, like,
"Fuck, like, that was really stupid of me."
No, it's all good.
I just… I would appreciate if you didn't sit on guys' faces in my bed.
That is an incredibly fair request.
I can commit to that.
I believe in you.
Damn, you didn't tell me you were rich rich.
We're not rich. We're, like, middle class.
Why do rich people always like to say they're middle class?
Hi! Aw.
-Hi. -Did you grow?
-Maybe. -Are you taller?
-Yes. -Hi, are we allowed to hug?
-Yes. -I don't know what the… Okay.
Okay, other rules, no shoes.
-Get the cowboy boots off. -It's fine.
Captain Buzzkill. Hi, girls.
Celeste, it's whatever you want, baby.
-Hi, Devon. -Hi, Mom.
Hi.
-You look so beautiful. -Welcome home, D-bag.
-Hi. -Hi.
-I'm Alex. -Hi.
I can take your… Yeah.
Look at this gentleman.
-Chivalry's alive. -Yes.
-Hi, honey. -Hi.
-I'm so happy you're here. -Me too.
Brian, we're gonna order sushi. You like sushi?
-Yes, love sushi. -Yeah?
-Okay, let's have some. -Okay.
Whatever happened to fucking chicken fingers?
No, let's get $200 of eel.
If you wanted me to
I'd dull them down for you…
First place at the Montclair Junior Swim Meet?
No. I actually came in last place,
but my parents just made me that because they were proud I participated?
Look at the inscription. It literally says, "Best try."
Wow, your parents never wanted you to feel bad, did they?
Oh, yeah. They love me.
I feel like maybe too much sometimes.
What are these?
Oh my God.
"I am more than my anxiety."
No, they're just, like, little affirmations.
No, you can put them up in our bathroom if you want.
-No, I don't… I don't need them anymore. -Why? Do you… do you take something?
Uh… I take Effexor.
-Like, a super low dose though. -Why didn't you tell me?
I'm just kinda private about it.
I told you about my therapist.
No, I know that. I… I should've said something.
I'm sorry. I don't know why.
I'm sorry. It's fine.
We're fine. It's okay.
Yo, Celeste.
You play Catan?
Uh, you know, I didn't really play board games 'cause I was always popular,
but… what's Catan?
It's actually, like, really fun. You build roads and settlements and stuff.
Alex, can we think about it?
Uh, yeah, sure.
-So when did your brother come out? -Oh, he hasn't brought that up.
Oh, okay.
Well, we should go out tonight.
After Catan? I mean, it's kind of a… it's a long game.
-Uh, maybe Catan's a different night. -Okay.
We can go to the bowling alley or the mall.
I mean, it closes at 10:00, but we can go for a little.
-No. Like, a bar. -Oh.
No. We won't be able to get in. I mean, all the bars here card.
Oh…
Well,
it is a good thing… it's a really good thing
that we have IDs!
One, two princes kneel before you
That's what I said now
Princes, princes who…
Thank you for letting me borrow this.
Yes, of course. You look awesome.
Diamonds in his pockets
And that's some bread now
This one said he wants to buy you…
Wait, you used my real name?
No, you wanna use your real name.
That way, you can still use your credit card.
Oh, wait, that's smart.
Yeah, it's the home address you wanna change.
That way, if they take it, they can't track you down.
They'll never find you
at 126 Crestview Road, Stamford, Connecticut.
That's my address. That's my home address. See, I switched around the fakes.
So, technically, this is my hometown bar, not yours.
All right.
Penis time.
Hey, dude.
Yeah, let's see some IDs, ladies.
Yes.
Yeah, fine, whatever. What are you drinking?
For real?
We will get two tequila sodas with lime and six green-tea shots.
Open or closed?
Open.
Do you have your card?
Now, and if you wanna buy…
Uh, yeah. Yeah.
Devon?
And if you would like To talk for hours…
Hi!
Devon! This is so fun.
You're literally the last person I thought we'd see out tonight.
So cute.
Oh, this is Ella, Emma, Ava, and… Enema.
I'm Celeste. I'm Devon's best friend.
-Oh! -Nice to meet you.
We know Devon from high school.
Oh, nice.
Are you gonna introduce yourself or keep staring at me?
Uh, oh, I was just staring at your tattoos.
No, you weren't, but that's okay. Who wants to do a shot?
-What? -Ah!
Is that it?
-Are you serious? -Free alcohol.
-Why would you do that? -You want one?
What? Oh, definitely.
Mm!
Oh fuck.
Devon, what should we cheers to?
-To not being in high school anymore. -That's so real.
-Love you. -Cheers.
I'm the one that loves you, baby Can't you see?
Find me later.
Okay.
I know what a prince and lover ought to be
I know what a prince and lover ought to be…
Up next is a character who reminds us
it's never too late to try something new.
Leo has spent years…
I almost had to beat up an old lady to get these tiny marshmallows.
But I got 'em! Ha-ha-ha!
Oh, Leo. Truly inspiring,
and he brings back happy memories for me…
Hey, D? You ask your mom if she needs any help?
I'm doing the mashed potatoes!
Okay, well, that's the easiest one. Can you see if she needs anything?
-Jesus! -Make yourself available.
-Fine. -Mick Jagger with the sunglasses.
-Celeste, you can sit. -Oh, no, I insist.
Okay, fine. Love you, Brian.
Babe, did you get the carrots?
I am annoying. I am fake.
I'm not who I'm being. I'm pretending…
Have you ever seen Drag Race?
Uh… no.
How am I supposed to feel in this moment…
You should. You'd love it.
I didn't wanna make it that everybody was attacking you!
I feel very attacked!
Ugh.
Celeste seems like a good hang. Did you have fun last night?
Uh, yeah, unfortunately.
When I was in college and had a hangover,
I'd drink a whole bottle of wine, eat some chicken nuggets,
take a nap, and just sleep all day.
Mom, that's really sad.
Well, all moms are a little sad. You'll see.
Hello, Weisz family!
-Happy Thanksgiving! We're here! -Hi, babies!
-Hi. -Hi, Mom.
-Happy Thanksgiving! -Hi!
-I… I brought the Negronis. -Hi.
-It's so good to see you.
-Happy Thanksgiving, Gigi. -Happy Thanksgiving, my dear.
Honey, how is college going?
Are you an architect yet?
Ha! No, not yet.
Well, did you tell those professors about the house that I live in?
-Yeah, I did. -That didn't buy you… Uh-oh.
Who is this beautiful young woman?
Oh, this is… this is my roommate, Celeste.
Celeste?
Well, I am your Gigi.
Now come here, come here.
Mwah!
Here's Brian! Hi!
Bulla, you grew your mustache back.
-Just to piss you off. -Mission accomplished.
D, can you help me with the turkey, please?
-Want me to get Alex? -No, I don't trust him near this.
-You are a wanted woman. -I'll start the sprouts.
Thank you, honey.
-Hi, Mom. -Come on, I need my girl.
Why don't you get it?
-I need some ice. -You got it.
Can I get you a drink?
-Yes. -Come on.
Ooh! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
It's good. You can do kettlebell.
You can kinda do your kettlebell exercise like that.
You can swing it, too, if you want.
I don't want this to look sexual. I'm doing it wrong.
-It is. -Okay, then I'm gonna stop.
Can you take a picture?
Yeah.
-That's good. -For the grid?
-No. -Just for stories? Okay.
I'm gonna lower it down.
Ooh! Listen to that sizzle.
Celeste is, uh… She's funny.
-Yeah. -You're funnier though.
-Thank you. -Okay. Keep an eye on it, okay?
-Hey, D? -Mm-hmm.
-I love you. -I love you.
You are so cute!
-You are so cute! -Oh my God.
Wow, no way!
Another one?
Hey, honey.
Hi.
-You're out here all alone? -Yeah.
Now you're not.
You know, your friend in there is so pretty.
But those tattoos are so ugly.
-What is that about? -Stop. Don't say that.
I'm gonna take a shift.
No, no. Go back inside. I got it.
They won't let me do anything in there. I can watch a turkey.
Be with your friend. You brought her. Go be with her.
'Kay.
-Okay. -Bye.
When I was your age, I got a tattoo with my college boyfriend, Vern.
Oh my God. Vicki, you were crazy about Vern.
She was obsessed with Vern. I mean, in fairness, everybody was.
I'll never forget how happy he made me.
Fun fact about Vern, he's now married to Whitney Cummings.
-Get out. -Who?
Yeah, I know I act like I'm cool with all the Vern talk, but I'm not.
Okay, you know Devon has a Vern.
He's her TA.
-What are you talking about? -Really?
My Devon likes a boy.
Every time Devon's around him,
she's like, "Michael, I'm in love with you."
I don't say that.
-Something is going on out there. -What?
Oh my God!
Oh, Mom! Mom!
Devon, go help!
Go! Mom! Mom!
Oh God, what do we do?
-Gigi's on fire! -Oh my God! Ah!
I got it.
Oh my God! Mom, are you okay?
Mommy, Mommy… Oh my God.
What happened?
-I spilled my drink. -You don't need that.
You all right? You okay?
-I'm okay. -Okay, okay.
-You're supposed to be watching the fryer. -She told me to go inside!
-I don't know! -Brian, Brian, it's okay.
I knew Devon was out of it today, so I had to be the responsible one.
Oh, what size head do you have? I'm gonna crochet you a hat.
Grandma's hats are iconic.
-Celeste, that was unbelievable. -An angel.
She was like a frickin' firefighter.
Devon woke up the next morning with a stomach ache,
knowing she had to spend the rest of the weekend with Celeste.
Immediately, she felt better.
Hey, D, you up yet? Come have some breakfast.
I'm making waffles!
-Don't burn 'em, Dad! -Too late!
Devon returned to the dorms just in time for her 19th birthday.
-Happy birthday! -God.
Thank you so much. This is so nice.
Of course. You like it?
Yeah. I can't believe you did all this.
So I'm thinking, for your birthday, the four of us, we go to Abba.
It's, like, Mediterranean, but they also have a hookah lounge.
-That sounds awesome. -Nice. Okay.
-I'm gonna shower. -Yeah.
Um…
Is that my bra and underwear?
Yeah, they were… in my drawer?
Celeste's actions had moved Devon from anxious to full-blown paranoid.
She needed a second opinion,
so she went to the smartest woman on campus.
Hey, girlypop.
Wait, you're in this story?
Why do you have a fuckin' bowl cut?
It was a bob,
and how are you seeing that, anyway? That's weird.
Wow. These are awesome.
-My mom's a ceramicist. -Oh, nice. Yeah.
The welding studio is, like, a 20-minute walk away,
so I was like, "Fuck walking."
Is the school okay with that?
No.
So you're just here to admire my decor.
I was wondering what the process is for switching roommates.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Switching roommates is a last resort.
The school only allows that in extreme circumstances.
She'd have to be, like, threatening your life or…
I'm just… I'm having a problem with boundaries,
if you have any advice about that?
The thing about communication is that you're not gonna get what you want
unless you ask for it.
So just be direct.
Celeste, can I talk to you about something?
Not now. After we watch Clueless.
Oh my God, I cannot believe you haven't seen this fucking movie.
-You were so sheltered. -He gave me a C-minus.
-Well, he gave me a C… -Trivia fact.
Stacey Dash was 30 when she filmed this.
30? That's close to your age.
Whoa! What the fuck?
Sorry, I, um…
I just have to charge my computer.
It's about to die.
-Go back. -Yeah.
-Did you get your report card? -Yeah.
I'm toast. How'd you do?
I totally choked. My father is gonna go ballistic on me.
So I have really enjoyed reading all your poems this semester.
I loved it so much that I think the entire class should get a chance
to hear them before winter break.
Oh, come on. Who's gonna kick us off?
Anybody?
-Don't jump up at once. -I'll go.
Celeste, all right, come on down.
My poem is called
The Girl Who's Barely There.
It's 8:00 a.m
The girl methodically Puts together an outfit
That precisely zero people will notice
It's almost as if
That's her goal
To be imperceptible
Inoffensive
Insignificant
She's the girl who's barely there
It's noon
The girl laughs too hard At a joke of a handsome senior
He's a kaleidoscope
She's beige
Yet also clear
She's the girl who's barely there
It's 10:00 p.m.
The girl waits for someone To make plans for her
She wonders
"Do I exist merely to refract The brilliance of others?"
"Am I like a glass wall
So translucent that someone Might walk straight through me?"
Crash, sweep, trash
Gone
She's the girl who used to be there
Great job, Celeste.
Oh. I love your use of imagery and how you played with form.
All right, uh, let's open it up. What else did people notice?
Mara?
Celeste did a great job of capturing the emptiness of the character.
We all know this girl,
and you just wanna go up to her and say, "You're not the victim."
"You just suck."
I see you've met my ex.
That was inappropriate. Anyone else?
Theo?
Um, I thought we had to rhyme.
You're not supposed to rhyme, okay? Not every poem is a rhyme.
If you ever wrote a poem about me like that, I'd fuckin' kill you.
Well, you did that already.
Remember when you sang that song at open mic night
at the Delvin Basement?
I didn't write that. That was a Brandi Carlile song.
-Really? -Yeah, ya dumb bitch.
See, look, we're finding out about things.
We're starting to heal.
Ah!
Oh no! I'm so sorry, Dr. Schilling.
It's all good, George.
Hey, Feekie, that was a great toss, you fuckin' piece o' shit!
You're a fucking amateur!
Oh my God!
Am I tripping, or is that the same George?
Oh, that's George. He keeps getting degrees
so he can keep playing Frisbee.
All right, where was I? Right.
Ah, winter break,
a gift from the college gods that comes right when you need it most.
Devon spent her first few weeks at home obsessing over Celeste's shitty poem.
Then Michael slid into her DMs on New Year's.
Ooh, Michael!
As she talked to Michael more and more, Devon put the focus back on school.
Maybe this semester wouldn't be so bad after all.
Hey, Professor Ziemann, Devon's here.
Oh! Ms. Weisz.
-Hi. -Hi.
Listen, over the break, I had dinner with the department head,
and I showed him your work on the structural-analysis problem sets,
and he could not believe you were a freshman.
-Really? -Yeah.
Have you considered submitting to WaltonCon?
-Is that a TED Talk thing? -Good God, no.
It's this annual campus-wide competition
where a student from each major presents a project
based around improving campus life.
-And Michael and I were talking, yes? -Yes.
-And we feel you should submit. -Wow. That's awesome.
-Yeah, I'll definitely think about it. -Okay.
I thought about it.
Yes, I'm in.
Great.
You know, I see myself in you.
Not in a weird way. Just the regular way.
Hey.
What's up? Uh, what are you up to?
What are you up to?
I just finished my office hours.
I was gonna go work out.
Me too.
Mrs. Magic to and fro…
Please give me one last show
Loosen my mind from within
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr. Bright…
Why'd you stop? Keep singing!
Don't worry. I'm not gonna post it.
I think.
Oh my God, Olivia's been talking full volume to her boyfriend
until, like, 4:00 a.m.
That's unhinged. Like, go somewhere else.
I know! And this morning, I'm on Zoom for biology,
and my entire study group can hear her and her boyfriend having FaceTime sex.
2511!
Hello!
-Party's arrived! -Hey, Alex!
I always wanted to say that.
-Hi. -Hi.
-Hi! -Hey!
-Hey. -What are you doing here?
-Celeste invited me. -For the party.
We thought it'd be a fun surprise.
So you brought a fit for Trailer Trash, right?
Wait, what? I didn't know that we were supposed to have a… costume.
-Yeah. -Okay.
Adorable, yeah.
-Pretty good. -So good.
-It's really good. -Can you guess ours?
Doggy.
Hillbilly hos?
-Alex, no. -No. No. The Simple Life.
Nicole and Paris. We don't have the wigs 'cause they're 30 bucks.
'Scuse me. JWoww would like to start drinking.
Okay. The Jersey Shore. This one I know.
I don't need pity. I need a paycheck.
Have none of you seen Erin Brockovich?
Go on, do your dance
Cowboys, yeah, go on, do your dance
City slicker, yeah Go on, do your dance
Everybody in the party, do your dance…
-Okay. -Put your left foot in
-Pull it out, won't ya… -Oh!
Stick your right foot in, pull it out…
Yeah!
College is so cool.
There's, like, so many assholes in high school.
-You know? -Tell me their names.
I'll fuck 'em up.
-Let's go dance! -Yeah? Okay. I'm coming.
My female homey
She drives a race car and a big truck
Lift kit big, wheels never get stuck Skintight jeans…
Oh my God! He's cute. You should dance with him.
-Dance with him! -No.
-Yes! -No.
Oh, well, look at who it is.
The lying sisters.
Y'all never come to practice.
I bet you thought I was never gonna say something
'cause you guys are gorgeous.
Meanwhile, I'm a bag of Funyuns with a runner's butt.
So look at that. Guess what? Look at the time.
It's get the fuck out of my house o'clock.
Whoa, George. George. It's okay. It's okay. They're with me.
Oh. Well, sorry. Um…
I'm gonna do some mushrooms, then.
-Hey, George. -Share those with your teammates!
Saddle up, yee! We on the radio…
-Hi. -Hi.
-You look nice. -Thank you.
What are you, like, a trailer-park lawyer, or…?
Oh, no. I just got back from a funeral.
It wasn't a joke.
I really… I just got back from a funeral.
Oh God. I'm… I'm sorry.
It's okay. It was, like, my dad's friend.
I've been working on my WaltonCon project.
-Devon, I think you're gonna crush it. -Thank you.
When I did mine, uh, I got so nervous, I just started talking crazy fast,
and I finished my entire ten-minute presentation in, like, 45 seconds.
-What? -All the girlies say
I'm pretty fly for a white guy…
-Are you sure you don't wanna change? -It's okay. I don't really have a costume.
Come on. I'm sure we can figure something out.
Cinco, cinco, seis
You know, it's kinda hard just to…
It's really easy to study, as you can tell.
That's why my grades are so good.
He may not have a clue, and he may not…
Wow.
You have very limited choices for this theme.
Oh.
This is trailer trash.
Stinky's Landscaping? What even is this?
-That's my favorite shirt. -I didn't say I didn't like it.
-I said it's very on theme. -Okay.
Do you have any flip-flops?
Okay.
What is this?
That's… that's not just mine.
We take turns wearing it at away tournaments.
It's in your closet, which means you wear it the most.
Yeah.
How do I look?
Great. Yeah.
Yeah.
-It fits perfectly. -Yeah.
-Do you ever get hot in this thing? -Oh, all the time.
Yeah, extremely.
But I just dump baby powder in there. Keeps it fresh.
-Want me to help with the zipper? -Yeah, yeah, sure.
Yeah.
-Is that okay? -Yeah.
All right.
Put the head on.
-Yes. -Okay.
Thank you.
Here you go.
-Oof. -Yes. Okay, there he is.
Careful. It's kind of hard to see.
-Ah! -Whoa!
-I'm sorry! -That's all right. Are you okay?
-No, I'm fine. -Okay.
I'm sorry about that.
Wow, I didn't realize how cute I must look while I'm in Wally mode
'cause you look adorable right now.
I can't hear you.
Devon!
You need to take Alex home.
-He said he took something. -What?
Alex!
-Are you okay? -Devon…
What's going on? What did you take?
Um… Celeste gave me Molly.
What the hell?
No, go ahead. I got him. Yeah.
That's good. Yeah, get it out.
Get it out of you.
Okay.
Oh, I get it. It's Joe Exotic.
Hey!
Did you give my brother Molly?
-Wait, what? -He's puking right now!
Why would you do that?
-You think I drugged your brother? -Yeah, I do.
That's actually so fucked up.
He said the room was spinning, so I gave him Dramamine.
I told him it was Molly so he'd take it.
Celeste, I think Devon's really stressed.
-Stay out of it, Amber. -Okay, Jesus.
Fuck. Hey, baby, I'm still at the party.
I don't know. I don't know. Twenty guys? Why are you mad at me?!
I hope you know I was down here babysitting your brother
while you were doing, I don't know, whatever the fuck this is.
That's the second time.
Second time I've saved one of your family members.
Maybe I deserve a fucking thank you.
Thanks.
Yeah, whatever.
There wasn't anything Funyun about that conversation.
Okay, did she give the brother Dramamine, or did she actually drug him?
-Hot sauce is in the bag. -Thanks, sexy robot.
Oh, I'm actually gay.
Okay, okay, Dr. Schilling, so did Devon finally request a room change?
She couldn't.
She had two nonrefundable tickets to Panama City.
-Fuck! -Oh God.
Fire
Set the house on
I'll set the house on
Fire
Set the house on
I woke up pissed off on a Tuesday
I said, "Fuck this shit"
I climbed the roof out of my bed Don't wanna live like this
Dead or alive, uh…
Next up, we got Carter G.
Carter G will be singing "drivers license."
Wow, way to bring the mood down.
-Carter G. All right, here you go. -Thank you.
Carter!
I got my driver's license Last week
Just like we always talked about
'Cause you were so excited for me…
Devon!
That guy's really feeling it.
Yeah.
I wanna talk to you.
-Of course. -Um…
That night your brother came to visit,
he came out to me.
-What? -It was actually really cute.
He was telling me about this guy,
Peter Kuplowsky, who he has a huge crush on.
Wow, yes. Peter, his best friend.
Yeah, that's what he said.
Anyway, I just thought you should know.
Thank you for telling me.
And I just can't imagine
How you could be so okay
Now that I'm gone
By the way, um…
you still owe me two grand for the hotels and the… and the flights.
I owe your dad,
which… Obviously, I don't have it right this second.
So you know what? Yeah.
Thank you for making me feel so good about it.
-Are you mad at me right now? -Let's talk about it later.
I'm gonna get us a drink.
It is scary how sober I am right now.
But you have enough money for drinks.
There are, like, a hundred guys in the pool here.
So you seriously want me to ask them all to get out?
What are you doing here? I thought you had job interviews.
I don't know. I just said, "Fuck it."
It's my last spring break.
Oh, plus, I couldn't resist a 14-hour car ride with the worst driver in the world.
Oh, shut up, you drama queen. I only fell asleep twice.
-I can't let him behind the wheel. -Sure.
Are you staying here?
I don't know. We'll see where the night takes me.
Next up to the stage, we have Devon W.
Devon W.
Oh shit. Devon, you signed up?
No. I don't think that's--
Devon Weisz of Walton U. Devon Weisz.
-Looks like somebody signed you up. -Devon Weisz.
Hey. That person's right here.
Uh… Guys, stop. No. Stop. No, I said…
I don't want to!
No, I'm okay. Guys. Guys!
Yeah! Give it up for Devon W. Come on, Devon.
-I didn't pick this. -You're up here. Might as well do it.
No, I don't… I don't even know the song.
The lyrics are right there, honey.
Everybody, give this girl some encouragement. Come on now.
Coming out of my cage And I've been doing just fine
Gotta, gotta be down Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep…
-Come on, Devon! -And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke And she's taking a drag
Going to bed, and my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now
-Whoo! -Let me go
Yeah!
Give it some, give it some!
Isn't that the girl who kicked you in the titty?
-I just can't look… -Still fuckin' hurts.
It's killing me
-And taking… -I love you!
Control
Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just The price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside
Go, Devon! Go, Devon!
Go, Devon! Go, Devon! Go, Devon!
This is awesome!
I never
Yeah
I never
Devon W!
Dark weather, new order
New packet, light smoker
Help me on my way…
Bright morning, airplane mode
High fusion, headache goes…
You still seem the same…
-Still broken -Broken
Can't think straight…
-Mind loaded -Loaded
-Heart still aches -Still aches…
How'd you know I was here?
I have you on Find My Friends, dummy.
-Come here. -Hi.
It's okay.
Aw, I have to say, I love that brother.
Me too. I literally hate that my brother's straight.
I know. My sister's a lesbian, and, like, that's not as good.
God! For the rest of my life, I'll have to look down at that dumb tattoo
and think of how much I hate her.
And it cost me 400 bucks.
Actually, 800
'cause somehow, that slut made me pay for hers.
Yeah, Dad's gonna kill you. Also, it looks, like, really infected.
I know it does.
-I'm gonna go check out. -Okay. I am gonna wait outside.
ID, sweetheart.
Here.
What's your address?
126 Crestview Road, Stamford, Connecticut.
Must be nice.
My sister married some rich dude from Stamford.
Now she thinks her shit don't stink.
The shitty part of Stamford?
So shitty she can afford 300 tattoos
but can't afford to pay me back for anything.
You're kidding me.
Oh, fuck her.
God, she's such a little liar.
What is it about me that people think they don't have to be honest?
-It's not your fault. -At a certain point, it feels like it is.
Middle school, I thought high school was gonna work out.
High school, I thought college was gonna work out.
It's never gonna work out. Ever.
I'm gay.
What?
No, um… nothing.
I've just been meaning to tell you that I'm pretty sure I'm gay.
Okay.
Thank you for telling me.
Yeah.
Felt good coming out over Taco Bell, the way you're supposed to do it.
Mm-hmm.
I just hope it doesn't, like, change what you think of me.
Are you kidding?
No, I think it's great.
By the way, you're back to being my best friend.
Yeah, they all come crawlin' back.
Yeah, they do.
-Love you. -Love you.
So what are we gonna do about Celeste?
Oh, what, you think 'cause I'm a gay guy,
and all gay guys are just vengeful bitches,
that I'm gonna know what to do?
Well, you're right.
Heads will roll
On the floor
Off, off with your head
Dance, dance till you're dead…
If you tear me and my horse down,
aren't you showing me the same intolerance I am being accused of?
Neigh, don't drag me into this!
Sh-sh-sh.
Hey, Confederate statue, we don't need you on our campus.
You're so fucking done.
No!
-Jesus fucking Christ. -I finally died!
Very nice. Very nice dramatic, over-the-top work.
I will say, for what it's worth, that statue is not of a Confederate.
He was this school's first lacrosse coach.
And he just… he had a horse.
-Anyway, it is my honor… -Good luck, Devon.
-Uh… try not to talk too fast. -I'm good. Thank you.
…to hear her ideas. Hands together for Devon Weisz.
Whoo!
-That was so good. So good. -Good job.
Thank you, Professor Ziemann.
This competition is all about helping students solve problems
in their daily lives.
When I think about the hardest problem first-year students face,
it isn't dealing with a demanding course load
or balancing our work and social lives.
It's trying to coexist with your shitty-ass roommate.
But I think structural design can help with that.
Now, a standard double dorm is 170 square feet.
Not too big.
And it can feel even smaller
when you're sharing the room with a total sociopath.
This is my roommate, Celeste.
Oh, should I have not used her real name? I'm sorry.
I'm off my meds, so I'm just not thinking straight.
And this doll is me.
If this doll seems traumatized, it's 'cause I am.
Now, Walton's dorms feature side-by-side closets,
which aren't very private.
"Ooh, look at all these clothes that don't belong to me."
"Ooh, I can't wait to wear them without asking."
Shout-out to my brother, Alex,
in the tech booth providing the voice of Celeste.
So, by raising the closet,
it becomes a little harder for this sticky-finger klepto to reach.
"Ooh, ooh, I can't reach."
"I just wanna wear your bras and underwear."
Next up, let's look at the typical layout of the beds.
Who here has come home to find your roommate eating food in your bed?
Yeah.
One time, I came home,
and I found my roommate getting eaten out on my bed.
Ahh!
Wait, you hooked up in her bed?
Anyways, by installing Murphy beds, we increase the livable space,
and it becomes a lot harder for Celeste to run train on a short king
while I'm writing her papers.
"Oh, wah."
"Oh, can you taste the kombucha?"
Why is that Celeste doll literally me?
So far, this design only benefits me.
So, I asked myself,
"What does Celeste need?"
It's hard
because she had humble beginnings growing up in this house.
What the fuck?
So here it is.
This is a soundproof partition wall.
So now I don't have to hear any more lies about Celeste's dad being a janitor
when he's actually the CEO of Staples.
Oh my God, dude.
Staples? The restaurant?
You're telling me she's a fuckin' nepo baby?
-Boo! -Yeah.
Oh, and one more thing.
Just for Celeste's side.
Twinkly lights with Polaroids.
Aww.
-Like our room. She must've got it from… -Yeah.
Thank you for listening. Go, architecture.
By the way, maybe TAs shouldn't use a class contact sheet as a dating service.
Jaime
You've been patiently waiting To hate me
And you and your…
Devon!
That was insane, but, like, in a good way, of course.
Thanks.
Where did you get that tiny furniture?
-I made it with my brother. -Whoa.
Oh, are you gonna be okay in there?
Yeah. I'll see you guys later.
Jaime
The clothes that you gave me Don't fit me
But you squeeze me until I could crack
Uh-huh
You've turned my soul
Into your home
Ah-ah
Can't you leave me alone?
Dude, I called you, like, 15 times.
What's going on?
I'm confused. Did you do that?
No, dude. Ca… can you just come home, please?
I have my final this afternoon, but I'll pack up and go home right after.
I'm so sorry, Alex.
I wasn't there yet.
Stress and strain.
Stress is internal force per unit area.
I don't understand. Like, she never even tried to talk to me.
Instead, she… made this presentation
about what a shitty roommate I am to the entire school.
It was so humiliating.
Uh-huh, yeah, I can understand how that could be challenging, but--
You know, all because she had a crush on a guy who liked me.
Like, it's not my fault.
Aw.
Aw, come here, come here.
What the hell?
Devon, hey…
-Um, this is a temporary solution. -Are you staying here?!
It's okay. I got this.
What's up, Devon?
Did you go to my brother's school this morning?
I'm sorry, what are you trying to accuse me of now?
Show me your bag.
Oh n… Uh…
All right, um…
Did you actually take my mom's bowls?
Oh my God, Devon. Why are you obsessed with these ugly-ass bowls?
Your mom is not good.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, ladies, let's take a deep breath, okay?
-Let's de-escalate. -Hey, stop coming for my family!
-Okay. -You need help.
Maybe tell your rich dad to get you a new therapist.
-Hmm?! -No! De-escalate.
Let's go.
You… are…
so… spoiled!
You live in a 20-million-dollar house! I saw the Zillow! It has an elevator!
Okay. Good job.
All right, you're all making great points,
but the bowl throwing is fuckin' dangerous,
and I think I got some shrapnel in my eye.
I can't believe we used to be friends.
Friends?
You made out with the guy I liked!
You think we just made out?
No, um, I fucked him.
Yeah, no, I… I fucked him on spring break.
I fucked him on winter break.
When you showed up in his little office to ask him to hang out with you?
Yeah, I was under the desk because we had just fucked.
So…
You're disgusting.
Oh, hey, let's not slut-shame anyone.
He didn't like you. Just get over it.
You give off
kid-sister vibes.
Hey! You don't have a license to operate that!
No, no, no, no!
Everybody, chill.
My posters!
You're the firefighter, right? You put it out.
-Uh, lots of big feelings. -What the fuck?
Hey. God dammit! I gotta put this shit out.
We have to get outta here!
Fire! Guys, come on, let's go!
There's a fucking fire!
God!
This is mine!
-So? -Come on, come on!
Hey, Devon! Devon, let's talk.
-Okay! You wanna talk, let's talk! -Yes.
Why'd you lie about being poor?
'Cause when you're rich, people think your life is good.
And my life, my life is not good. My mom has Alzheimer's,
and my dad divorced her and married a girl two years older than me.
And you have been rubbing
your perfect fucking family in my face all year!
Well, you could've told me that, and I would've been there for you
because that's what friends do, you fucking psychopath!
You guys, stop it! We need to evacuate.
Shut the fuck up, Olivia!
-What did I do? -You don't know how to read the room!
Okay, well, there's a fire!
Oh, yeah, you gotta get your cute little stuffy.
I wanna rip its fucking head off!
Stop!
Give it to me!
Give me my fucking sloth!
And I'm sorry to say, but that is how Devon killed Celeste.
-What?! -No!
I'm kidding, but Devon did burn the dorm down.
Careful. Are you okay? It's not too tight?
Whoa, whoa. Who is this guy? Why is he touching you?
He's a firefighter!
Okay, I'm begging you guys to break up. Like, right now. Break up right now.
She outed my son very publicly at his high school.
We always knew he was probably gay, but it wasn't her place to do that.
Also, she owes me $2,000.
Which is not important right now, Brian.
$2,000. I would like that to be on the record.
It's not my thing, they were…
Did you… You didn't… Don't answer any questions.
But she didn't do anything. The bottom line…
-Don't say anything. -My daughter's innocent.
I'd like to hear…
What you think
We passed a house, driving fast
The sun was shining on…
It's like USC all over again.
-Sir, you can't park here. -I'm good, I'm good.
Celeste! I'm sorry we're late, baby.
It took forever to get the lawyers on the line.
We're so glad you're okay.
Thanks, Katie.
John, he's still hungry.
-Can I go feed him in the car? -Yeah, yeah, go do your thing.
Did you tell Mom?
Uh… no. Why?
What school would you like to go to next?
This one burned down.
I don't need to go to another school. I need fucking rehab.
I have PTSD.
You got a fucking venereal disease?
Wow.
Yeah, that was really intense.
And that, my friends,
is the power of good storytelling.
Now, everybody get the hell outta here.
That's it?
That's it.
Okay.
Hey.
I'm sorry for saying you smell like an Italian sub.
I'm sorry for filming you sleeping.
Thanks.
-I miss us liking each other. -Yeah.
Bye, Melissa.
So cute.
Thank you, Dr. Schilling.
-This was great. -Very healing.
So glad it helped.
Um, whatever happened to Celeste?
Well,
Celeste ended up getting kicked out of two more schools,
so her dad finally cut her off financially.
And now…
That's hilarious.
Oh my God, that's you?
You work at Staples?
Now, that's hilarious!
Oh man!
You work at Staples!
-You work at Staples! -Shut the fuck up!
Karma's a bitch!
I just wish the end of that story wasn't such a bummer for Devon.
Oh my God, I know.
Fuckin' sucks.
What happened to her, anyway?
She's got a new roommate.
Okay, Weisz. This is you.
Enjoy your home for the next two months.
Mm. Nice.
Fresh meat.
What's your name?
Chuck.
'Cause I grind motherfuckers like you into prime-grade beef.
Yeah, okay.
Let me go over a few things with you.
One, don't touch my stuff.
Two, don't wear my clothes.
Three, don't have sex in my bed.
You follow these three rules,
I won't light you on fire when you're sleeping.
I was just kidding.
Dang!
It's all good, baby.
Relax.
So I'm Louise.
Welcome to the pen.
Okay, I have a little cooler over here. I got refreshments in there.
Would you like some LaCroix?
-No, no. I'm good, thank you. -Okay, of course, of course.
You got a family?
I have a brother.
He actually just came out.
Of prison?
Out of the closet.
Well, damn!
That must be, like, a very huge weight off his shoulders.
Yeah, I think it is.
Okay. Where y'all from?
-Montclair, New Jersey. -Montclair?
Girl, I robbed four jewelry stores in Montclair.
-No, that was you? -That was me!
-Oh my God! -You heard of me?
Yes, I've heard of you!
Okay, I feel famous. Oh my God.
-Okay, this is why I'm going… -Girl, girl, girl, girl…
-Holy shit! They like each other? -What the fuck?
Yeah, it's really sweet, actually.
Okay, what happened to everybody else?
Oh, you thirsty bitches wanna know everyone's endings?
-Yes! -Duh!
All right, here you go.
Yeah, I don't know if you like me
Sometimes I think you might hate me
Sometimes I think I might hate you
Maybe you just wanna be me
You always say, "Let's go out"
So we go eat at a restaurant
Sometimes it feels a bit awkward
'Cause we don't have much in common
People say we're alike
They say we've got the same hair
We talk about making music
But I don't know if it's honest
Can't tell if you wanna see me
Falling over and failing
And you can't tell what you're feeling
I think I know how you feel
Girl
It's so confusing sometimes To be a girl
Girl, girl, girl, girl
Girl
It's so confusing sometimes To be a girl
Girl, girl, girl, girl
Girl
How do you feel being a
Girl?
Girl, girl
How do you feel being a
Girl?
Girl, girl, girl
Man, I don't know, I'm just a
Girl
Girl, girl, girl, girl
You're all about writing poems
But I'm about throwing parties
Think you should come to my party
And put your hands up
I think we're totally different
But opposites do attract
Maybe we're so meant to be
Just you and me
'Cause people say we're alike
They say we've got the same hair
One day we might make some music
The Internet would go crazy
But you might still wanna see me
Falling over and failing
At least we're closer to being On the same page
Girl
It's so confusing sometimes To be a girl
Girl, girl, girl, girl
Girl
It's so confusing sometimes To be a girl
Girl, girl, girl, girl
Girl
It's so confusing sometimes To be a girl
Girl, girl, girl, girl
Girl
How do you feel being a
Girl? Girl, girl, girl
How do you feel being a
Girl? Girl, girl, girl
Man, I don't know, I'm just a
Girl
Girl, girl, girl, girl
Standin' all alone now
Wish that I could drown you out
I wanna be better
But I can't think of how
I'm lookin' at faces
I see people pace around
I wanna get closer
But I'm busy stayin' on the ground
Comin' back to you
Back to you
Somehow
Comin' back to you
Back to you
Somehow
'Cause you are built complete
You're the entirety
I wish that you'd talk to me
I wish that you'd walk with me
'Cause you are built complete
You're the entirety
I'm just here following
I wish that you'd follow me
Ooh
Ooh, ooh
-Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh -Ooh, ooh
-Ooh -Oh-oh, oh-oh
-Ooh -Oh-oh
-Ooh -Oh-oh, oh-oh
-Ooh -Oh-oh
-Ooh -Oh-oh, oh-oh
I knew
The truth
With you
I do
Oh
I knew
-Ooh -'Cause you are built complete
-Oh-oh, oh-oh -You're the entirety
-Oh-oh, oh-oh -I wish that you'd talk to me
-I wish that you'd walk with me -I knew
-Ooh -'Cause you are built complete
You're the entirety
-Ooh -I'm just here following
-Ooh -I wish that you'd follow me
-Ooh -'Cause I'm just here following
-Ooh -I wish that you'd talk to me
-Ooh -I wish that you'd walk with me
-Ooh -I wish, oh, I wish