Downloaded from YTS.BZ
Hi, everybody. Are you ready to do this?
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ
Okay.
Ladies, gentlemen, and everybody, please give it up for Sheng Wang!
What's up, DC?
Oh, boy.
Thank you. Thank you so much for coming out.
Thank you so much for having me, man. I hope you're doing well.
Uh, I'm feeling pretty good.
I've been trying to eat more berries.
I'm real passionate about those antioxidants.
It's weird.
I don't even know what oxidants are.
I just know that I'm against them.
It seems like whenever you eat something that's yummy,
there's some oxidants trying to bring you down.
Right? So after I eat like a steak and some martinis,
I call on my berries.
I send in the antioxidants.
I'm like, "Hey, man, go handle that."
"Make it look like an accident."
Sometimes I eat the berries before the dinner.
I lay a trap.
They don't know what's coming. They think they about to go oxidize.
I like berries for sure, but you know who really love eating berries the most?
Your friends' kids.
Uh-oh, when your friends' kids come over,
hide the berries under the broccoli, quick.
That's a hard lesson to learn, man.
My friend came over with her kid. I'm a good host.
I bust out snacks, refreshments, the berries.
I'm happy they're happy.
And then I realize, "Oh, this girl don't know how much they cost at all."
She eating them crazy.
By the fistful.
I never seen berries be held like that.
That's not how you eat berries.
That's how you display a sacrificial human heart.
I don't say anything 'cause it's good for them.
But in my mind, I'm like, "That's not reasonable."
I'm trying to be cool, I'm trying. But I'm bothered, you know?
I'm so bothered, I can't follow the conversation with the grown-ups.
I don't know what we talking about. I'm too busy assessing my losses.
"Nobody see what's going on right now? We getting robbed."
I don't know what to do. I-- I try to show her how to eat a berry.
I try to model behavior.
I'm like, "Hey, uh, take one."
"Look at it. Appreciate the color, the texture."
"Be present with the berry."
"Chew it slowly, savor it."
"After you eat a whole cup, that's enough for today. All done."
She don't know how to take a hint.
I get so frustrated, I start to eat the berries as fast as I can.
Hide them in my esophagus.
It's something you have to accept, right?
When there's kids on the scene, the hang will be less predictable.
Things happen.
The other day, I'm at my friend's house.
It's a bunch of bros having beers around the firepit in the backyard.
It's a fun, silly time.
Suddenly, my friend's kid came out.
Pop-quizzed him.
That's when, out of nowhere, no context, your kid just run up on you,
and they hit you with a question about science in front of everybody.
Now it's quiet.
Now my friend is struggling to explain how the moon works.
I'm nervous for him.
I know he know we listening too.
We would like to know as well.
"That's a good question. Hey, why is it like that?"
We don't know the answer, but we actively judging his response.
You know, 'cause when your friend explains stuff to the kids,
sometimes they have to dumb it down.
But then sometimes you realize, "Oh, no, my friend is dumb."
Kids can clarify your situation, you know?
Like the other day, I took my niece to the playground.
It's all good and fun until she started to struggle on the monkey bars.
So I was like, "Well, let me show you how we do that."
I found out I have lost my monkey bar powers.
I didn't know that was a skill we could lose this early.
It's over. It breaks my heart to know that at one point in my life,
I did monkey bars for the very last time,
but nobody took a picture or nothing.
I thought I had it. I was confident.
'Cause I could do a few pull-ups, you know?
But monkey bars is all your body weight on one hand, and you swinging.
So you pulling Gs.
I forgot about the g-force.
I'm on the first bar, I initiated forward motion,
and as the Gs started to increase,
I felt a pain right here.
My rotator cuff
was like, "You better let go, boy."
"Ooh, I'm about to rip off your torso."
I was hurt emotionally too.
You know, 'cause I wanted to show her a joyful skill
that she could develop with practice and experience.
Instead, I showed her how quickly the body can decay and betray you.
It was also upsetting 'cause I've seen videos
of terrorists training on monkey bars.
I always thought that was so silly,
but now I'm like, "Dang, they're pretty athletic."
"They might be a problem."
I feel very grateful I get to perform in beautiful theaters like this.
It's so nice. This is so nice.
It's not always like this.
Uh, one of the last shows I did in LA
was inside an adult novelty store.
I like doing that show 'cause they have free parking.
Yeah, that's my kink.
I did my set. Afterwards, I did a little browsing,
and I came across an edible bra made out of hard candy.
I was intrigued, but I was like,
"That's for young folks. I don't eat candy like that anymore."
I'm down to have fun. We can play.
I'll take a nibble, but let's save the rest for later, you know?
Come on, don't expect me to eat a whole bra.
I'm not going to eat all that candy, girl. I'mma get a headache.
You better have some underwear made out of Tylenol.
You got something more suitable for a grown-up palate?
I mean, how about instead of a whole bra of candy,
how about we just go with a couple of dark chocolate pasties?
Bittersweet, at least 75% cacao.
We can take it up to 85%. I'm not scared.
I picked up the box for the bra.
I flipped it over to read the nutritional data.
How much protein this bra got?
I was surprised. It said eight grams of sugar.
That's not too bad.
If you're gonna give yourself a sweet treat,
eight grams is quite reasonable.
And then I looked further. It said 26 servings.
Dang! One bra, 26?
Usually, it's just two of us in the room.
Hey, this recipe is designed for a group setting.
That's a great bra to wear to a potluck.
"Let me know when y'all ready for dessert. She got them warmed up."
I can't do 26 servings by myself, though.
No way.
No way. My A1C is elevated.
Yeah, I'm already prediabetic.
I can't lose a foot to see a titty.
My mom would be mad.
She made that foot.
I actually got to see my family recently in Houston.
I got to revisit the house that I grew up in.
It's interesting to go back at this age
'cause you notice things you could not quite see as a child.
Right? Like I realize now, the house that I grew up in
has depressing lighting.
It's so obvious now.
But as a kid, I could never figure out what was wrong.
As a kid, I was always like, "But why is it sad?"
I was close to having a good childhood.
We just needed some lamps.
That's an easy fix,
but first-generation immigrants don't really prioritize vibes.
They think ambiance is Jay-Z's wife.
Most of the rooms have one light. Just one light, overhead in the middle.
Perfect for an interrogation.
Very dramatic shadows.
You walk in there, suddenly your eye bags are plump.
My parents weren't unhappy.
They just always looked like they about to tell you a ghost story.
My cousin had it pretty bad
because my uncle installed too many, uh, fluorescent lights
in their place.
That might be more energy efficient,
but it's not a loving thing to do.
It's-- It's not cozy, it's eerie.
Fluorescent light, it's mostly sound.
You hear it coming.
Before you even get there, you already know.
"But I don't want to stay long tonight."
It's got the buzz of a green-headed fly
paired with the warmth of an autopsy table.
Set the mood for a panic attack.
I was raised in a house that had a no-shoe policy,
which means that when you get home,
you stop at the entryway, you remove your shoes,
and then you could proceed.
But I have friends that didn't live like that.
And when I got to visit their place,
I was excited to try something so exotic.
I remember one summer,
all the neighborhood kids are gathering at Mark's place
'cause he just got Street Fighter II on Super Nintendo.
-Whoo! -Yeah.
It was a big deal at the time.
But I was really looking forward to going from outside to inside,
no stopping.
Oh, I'm going straight through.
I'm not gonna just hover around the foyer, I'mma go deep into that house.
I'mma go all the way to the living room.
I'mma see what carpet feels like with shoes on.
Dang, I never walked through a home with so much grip.
And you got the thermostat on the AC set below 80.
Feel like y'all living in a hotel.
The pinnacle is sometimes, when you go to the bathroom,
because sometimes the bathroom is set up in such a way
where you're like, "Oh, my gosh,
am I expected to step on the bath mat with my shoes on?"
Ooh, that feels sacrilegious to me.
It's the first thing your body touches after you step out of the shower.
I could never do that at home.
Now I kind of want to try it.
But if I'm a good friend, I won't.
If I care about you like myself, I'll straddle the bath mat.
I'll go in there like this.
That's love.
You don't always see what I do for you.
Love is not boastful.
I try to maintain a no-shoe policy at my place,
but it's not 100%.
Sometimes you have to bend.
Every now and then you'll be in a rush, you got your shoes on,
you already stepped outside, then you realize you forgot your wallet.
But you don't have time to do the whole thing again.
So it's about to be a special occasion.
You're going in with your shoes on today.
But you don't walk regularly.
You go back in your place like the floor is lava.
You're like…
It look crazy.
But it's all backed by science.
You know what you're doing.
You take wide steps to minimize the points of contamination.
You stay on the balls of your feet to minimize the surface area.
And you're moving quickly because three-second rule.
These are the games you play
when you an anxious person pretending you have control in your life.
So many things in the world that are out of our control, you know?
Like, every now and then when I'm on tour, I'll be at a hotel,
I'll catch a mattress at the tail end of their lifespan.
It happens.
Usually it's a little droopy.
The other day I had an old mattress that was memory foam, and it looked fine.
You couldn't see anything wrong, but when you lay down, you felt something.
It was the memory of somebody else.
It was a vivid recollection.
There was a unique emptiness created by a body that's not present,
but clearly defined by the boundaries of their absence.
And I'm all up in the contours of a larger man.
We had different shapes.
I'm not the key to that lock.
I had edges where he had curves.
It felt like I was laying on a tiny skate park.
I don't know if y'all could tell by my aura,
but I've been cooking with shallots.
You see it.
There's a glow.
They're nice. Shallots are nice, man.
I only recently discovered them. I was like, "What's up, onion?"
"You didn't tell me you had a fine-ass cousin."
"Dang, where's she from? She smell different."
They're similar,
but you don't treat them the same.
Onions, you take for granted.
You buy them by the sack, then you throw them in the dark for later.
But when you bring home one shallot,
oh, you got plans made.
You about to follow a recipe tonight.
You going all out. You gonna bust out the mandolin slicing,
slip on that one Michael Jackson glove so you don't shave off your fingerprints.
I've been exploring all kinds of aromatics, man.
I just went through a big leek phase.
Love leeks, but I'm regretful because I avoided them for a long time.
'Cause when you see your first leek, it's intimidating.
I was like, "Dang, that's a buff-ass green onion."
"What's that about?"
I'm trying to eat organic. That thing can't pass no drug test.
It's too thick.
Why'd they let it get like that?
They forgot about it.
They should've harvested it like three years ago.
At this point, leave it alone.
It's about to be a tree.
I love cooking. I love cooking. I love the whole process.
I love the power of herbs and spices.
It's truly magical to me, you know?
One of my go-to spices is cumin.
It's a good one. It's a good one.
So many different cultures use the same spice all around the world.
It's got this deep, savory profile,
a little bit of funk, just a hint of BO.
It's a festive spice, very festive.
Every time I smell that cumin, I'm like,
"Oh, smell like somebody else in this kitchen right now."
"Hello?"
"Smells like someone just finished some light yard work."
"Thank you, let me get you some water."
"Come on in here with that sexy musk."
Sometimes after, like, a long streak of eating out,
I try to redeem myself by making a healthy smoothie at home.
But I always overdo it,
'cause I try to cram in everything I wish I would've ate earlier that week.
It'd be like so many salads, all types of fruit,
walnuts, mushroom powder, flaxseeds, turmeric, black pepper.
My smoothie come out dark gray.
It's viscous.
It look like wet concrete.
It sucks,
but it will not move through a straw.
You gotta drink my smoothie with a knife and fork.
It's too thick.
You're supposed to add liquid to get the right consistency.
Well, great. Now I got two gallons of smoothie.
I gotta get my girl involved.
I'm like, "Babe, I made you a snack too. I'm sorry."
I have no formal culinary training.
A lot of just learning on the job, improvising in the moment.
I never make the same meal twice
'cause I don't know how it happened that first time.
And if my girl likes the food,
I'm like, "Enjoy it, 'cause that's never coming back."
"We got blessed tonight."
I do most of the cooking, but every now and then, my girl,
she'll buy a special kitchen tool that we don't really use,
but it will take up some storage space.
She came home with a real chunky garlic press.
Created a lot of traffic jams in the kitchen drawer.
You know how when you go to open the drawer,
your other hand gotta go in and calm everybody down?
Like, "Hey…"
"Relax."
"Hey, chill, chill. Lay down. It's just me, lay down."
"Why you so rowdy?"
"You got everybody all worked up in there. You got the tongs in a tizzy."
And your knuckle get all scraped up,
'cause they don't paint the wood on that side.
One time, my girl came home with a spiralizer
to make zucchini noodles that nobody's excited about.
It's sad, you know?
Because when you first see it work, you're excited.
You're like, "Ooh, that do look like a noodle."
It do!
And in your heart, you want to believe.
You're like, "Maybe."
"Maybe it is a noodle."
But when you sit down to eat, you know that's a vegetable string.
Wake up, fool.
I can't watch a sci-fi thriller and eat zoodles.
'Cause I can only suspend so much disbelief.
I could believe that evil robots from the future
time-travel here to destroy us,
or I could pretend that's spaghetti.
One time, my girl came home with this interesting Japanese onion slicer.
It's got this one handle, on top of which there's like eight blades.
One stroke, eight cuts.
I never used it.
About a year ago, I'm cleaning out.
I pulled it up. I forgot what it was.
There was a cap on top.
I misplaced my hand.
When I opened it, I ran my finger over all eight blades.
And then I threw it away!
That's the only time we ever used it.
It sat brand-new in the drawer for years,
just waiting to strike.
And it got me good. I was impressed.
It was the most evenly spaced injury I have ever suffered.
The doctor said my cuts were restaurant quality.
Currently, I'm back on the market for a new toaster oven.
It's that time again.
We got a basic brand. It's not bad. We've had it for ten years.
It still works, but now it also works when nobody's home.
It's getting too good.
So we looking at some options, and I'm not for sure,
but I'm at a point in my life where, like, I might be able to afford
a Breville toaster.
-Whoo! -Maybe, maybe, maybe.
Maybe. I gotta run the numbers again.
It's so expensive, but it's very pretty,
and my friends really like theirs, so I'm excited.
But then it did occur to me, like if it really is that great,
I guess there's a chance this could be my last toaster.
Dang, that's heavy.
I'm not ready for all that.
I'm just trying to make my dino nuggets crispy.
Now you got me contemplating my mortality.
Now I'm wondering to whom shall I bequeath this heirloom?
Which niece or nephew got the charisma to tell my story on the Antique Roadshow?
To this day, to this day,
I still have some frugal habits from my childhood
that I can't quite shake.
Like, it's still hard for me to use a whole paper towel.
I want to rip it in two.
I'll give the other half to my boo.
Or I'll leave it on the roll,
and then I wind it back to make it look nice.
If I'm at a restaurant, they hand out a wet towelette,
usually I don't use it right away.
I'm like, "Hey, let me put that in my pocket."
"I want to save it for later."
"It's too special for now."
It's wet, it's individually wrapped, so it feel like a commitment.
When you choose to deploy it, you got one shot.
Make it count.
So you just-- You just keep it on you. You ready.
And you move through life.
And every now and then, a situation will come up, and you be like…
"Is it time?"
"Nah, not yet."
"Not yet. This ain't that bad. I got some napkins."
"I got condensation on my ice water. I'll just go like that."
"I'm good. I'm good. I can't waste a whole towelette on this."
So you wait. You continue to wait.
And finally one day, you find a moment that's worthy.
You excited to get your satisfaction.
You open the wrapper to find all the liquid is gone.
Now you're trying to clean your barbecue fingers
with what's basically a used dryer sheet.
Technically, I'm a full-blown adult,
but I feel like I got a little ways to go to become a real grown-up.
I'm trying to push myself, you know, in small steps.
Like sometimes, after I watch a scary movie,
I'll walk into a dark room in my apartment,
but I won't even turn on the lights. I just try to be brave.
That means you keep your natural pace.
When you get in there, don't start moving faster.
That's your house.
Act like it then.
When you start to scurry,
you let the ghosts know they got you shook.
Don't give 'em the satisfaction.
Be cool. I go in there, I'm cool.
I try to-- I handle my business, I do what I got to do.
I turn around.
I start to leave.
Real cool.
Oh, I'm getting close. I see the hallway light.
The last three steps,
I run.
Right up to the doorframe, and then I leap into the light.
But when you're airborne, don't overextend that back leg.
That's how you get grabbed, and dragged to your demise.
You know better. You gotta run, leap, tuck.
And then you make a cowardly sound like,
"Ā yā!"
If you don't know, "ā yā,"
that's Taiwanese for "yikes."
Sometimes I try to be brave when I take a shower.
Like, I don't wait for the water to get warm.
I don't even test it.
I just walk right up in there like a warrior.
Ooh, it's hard. It's hard.
If you wanna be real crazy, don't even turn on the water.
Try this tonight.
Go home, take your clothes off, get naked.
Step inside a quiet, dry shower.
Feel that tension.
It's different. It's not neutral.
Look at all the nozzles on your showerhead.
And then with your own hand,
blast yourself.
Don't flinch.
Don't block.
Just be brave.
When the ghosts see you do that…
they get scared.
The haunter becomes the haunted.
They're like, "This dude crazy. I can't stay here."
And they leave.
And when you feel that spirit start to dissipate,
you go, "Boo."
Trying to celebrate the small wins in my life, man.
I recently hit a new milestone.
I just started buying my toothbrushes in bulk.
That's new to me, man.
Most of my life, I lived toothbrush to toothbrush.
No backup.
I'm out there just buying loosies.
I had one,
and I would use that one until no two bristles were parallel.
And then I would continue to use that one
because I would convince myself it's probably more effective
now that I made it all woolly like that.
They're getting stronger.
Soon I'll promote it to kitchen duty.
It's a sense of security.
It feels good to know that when I go home tonight,
if I want a fresh one, I got it.
I got it. If you come over, I got you. No problem.
You could bring up to four friends.
And the best part about the multipack, you get to pick a color.
That's an opportunity.
Take your time, be intentional, check in with yourself.
What color brings the energy that you need right now?
The blue one. Oh, that's soothing.
That's an ocean of serenity.
The red one. Oh, yeah, that's fun, but it's a little bit spicy.
The purple one is powerful.
I only pick the purple one when I want to change the narrative.
Sometimes you not living your best life.
You might've made a series of self-destructive decisions.
Now you need to adjust your behavior according to your core values.
Well, come on then, purple toothbrush.
Let's ride.
We got plaque and demons to vanquish.
I want to be a better person, obviously.
You know, I'm trying. I have the desire to learn.
I just don't always have the follow-through.
That's why I got so many tabs open on my computer.
There's so many resources on the Internet I feel like I could benefit from, yeah.
Yeah, but like, not today.
Later.
Hey, but send me that link, though.
I want that link. I'll open up a tab. I got a system.
The more tabs you collect, the smaller they get.
It starts out like that.
Then it becomes, "Uh-oh, no more information."
You don't know what this represents, but there's a whole bunch of them.
And there's shame there, right?
'Cause if you have a work meeting, you got to share your screen.
You don't share that screen.
Uh-uh. You open up a new window.
You act like, "Everything's okay, boss."
"I'm good. I'm here for the shareholders."
Every few months, your browser wants to update.
You're like, "Hold up. What about my collection?"
Your browser's like, "Don't trip. We got you."
"We're going to reopen all the tabs."
"It's a lot, though."
"You should be using bookmarks."
Every few years, your computer will crash completely.
All the tabs disappear forever.
The sense of loss devastates you.
But then you're like, "Finally, I'm free."
"Thank you for doing what I could not do for myself."
Yeah, I just don't know about all this technology.
I'm not sure it's really making our lives better.
I know it's making some parts of life weird.
You know? Like I recently lost my headphones.
I left them somewhere outside of Atlantic City.
I'm not going to get them back.
But with the power of tech,
I can still check in on them.
If I want to, I can see where they are right now.
That's not healthy.
I know where they live. I know where they work.
I know they be getting charged on the regular.
They moved on.
They doing their thing. I'm messed up.
There's an option to forget this device, but…
I don't want to forget!
I don't want to let go. I already lost you once, girl.
I can't believe you just going to pair up with anybody.
I try not to get caught up with things, with consumerism, material stuff.
But I also try to take care of what I do have.
Like I bought these glasses.
So, you know, I put on contacts if I have to do something physical,
like when I go to play basketball, or if I go to a strip club.
You know? 'Cause if you wear glasses to a strip club,
and if you sit near the stage, there's a pretty good chance
the dancer's going to take your glasses off your face.
It's happened to me more than twice.
And if you want to play the sexy librarian, go for it.
I will support you,
but bring your own props.
This is not a toy.
This is a medical device.
Normally, I only let the opticians handle them.
But since you're not wearing clothes, I'm going to let it slide tonight.
They take your glasses, they put them on, they wear it low on the nose,
and they shoot you these sultry looks.
It's supposed to be a sexy moment,
but it's not, 'cause I'm squinting back at her.
"I think she got four nipples."
And then she changes tactics. She takes the glasses off,
and she gives the glasses a close-up tour of her body.
I'm like, "Wow, that looks like a lot of fun for the glasses."
But I can't see what the glasses see.
It's not Bluetooth-connected to my occipital lobe.
Finally, I get them back. I get my glasses back.
And of course, my lenses are all smudged up.
I got booby prints on my lenses.
It's a personal touch, but I don't get turned on from forensics.
I didn't bring my lens cloth.
Now I got to watch the whole show in low-res.
I had to take a break from touring.
I had to go back home to LA to do a little jury duty.
Yeah, I wasn't trying to get selected.
But I got drafted in the first round. Number one pick, baby.
I was all proud of myself, and then I was worried.
I was like, "If I'm the first pick, this team's not gonna make the playoff."
We did the whole selection process. It was a done deal.
Last minute, juror three raises his hand. He's trying to get out.
He said, "Your Honor, I've been applying for jobs."
"I might have an interview next week."
The judge, she took one look at him,
and then she decided he was going to remain on the jury.
'Cause a judge gonna judge.
And based on what she saw,
she was like, "You not going to get no job."
She deemed him unemployable.
And then she made him my coworker.
So it made me question the system, you know?
'Cause on paper, jury duty is a noble idea,
but in reality, it feels so casual, right?
The government's just like, "Well… are you free?"
"Come downtown. We have a situation
in a field in which you have no background experience,
you have no insight or interest,
but we're going to have two very biased parties
present completely opposite arguments to prove that they are right."
"And then you tell us the truth, for real."
"You got this."
It's a…
It's a lot of pressure, you know?
Court is kind of sacred,
potentially where you can right the wrongs of the past.
And people are dressed for that. The judge is wearing a robe.
The lawyers are wearing tailored suits.
It's a pretty formal affair,
except for the jury.
The jury, we look like we have nothing invested in the outcome.
We're dressed like we've been inconvenienced
and we would like the court to know this was not an ideal time.
We did not do a good job.
It was three weeks of trial,
and yet nobody took notes.
No notes. Everybody's like, "I'll probably remember that."
By the time it came to deliberation, we had nothing.
We just going off energy.
We're like, "I don't know, uh…"
"Guilty?"
It sounds terrible, but relax.
No one's life was on the line.
It was a civil case.
It was a US corporation suing a Canadian corporation.
So we just went with home team.
Just give the fans what they want. Let's go.
It was a very short discussion.
We got together at 9:00 a.m.
By 9:10, we were done.
The thing is, during the trial, you on your own for lunch,
but we found out during deliberation,
if you work till noon, lunch is on the court.
So as a jury, we all agreed unanimously.
We're like, "Hey,
don't turn in the answer yet."
"Chill, chill. We'll deliver justice when they deliver turkey sandwiches."
Quid pro sando.
We withheld the verdict for three extra hours
for some free food.
And the sandwiches were mediocre.
Ew. Not worth the wait.
Not even worth the calories.
As a jury, we demonstrated poor judgment till the very end.
We got what we deserved.
The system works, y'all.
As I get older, I-- I find myself pivoting to nature, man.
That's kind of where I go to get my peace and my joy these days.
Even the partying that I'm doing, it's getting very outdoorsy.
You know, I went to two bachelor parties like this.
The first party was for my friend Louis. We went to Costa Rica.
It's very tropical.
Lot of water activities.
We were wet often.
Fifteen dudes in their forties
wearing ill-fitting board shorts.
I saw all my homies' butt cracks.
That's not my choice.
You know, when you suspect there's butt crack in your periphery,
it's almost impossible to just move forward with your life.
You're compelled to confirm. You're like, "Hold up one second."
"I didn't want to do that."
'Cause butt crack is magnetic.
Butt crack acts like a pseudo-cleavage.
It calls for attention through the power of mimicry.
Your eyes are naturally drawn to that burgeoning shadow.
"What's this mystery that my mind would like to solve?"
That's not your choice. That's instincts.
That's dopamine or something.
It's very powerful.
It's the same principle they use when they design a botanical garden.
They always make the path windy
to keep you curious.
"But what's beyond that curve?"
"Oh, I kind of want to know."
Sometimes you follow the bend,
and it leads you down to a beautiful patch of begonias.
Other times, it's your boy's booty.
"Oh! I'm not supposed to be in that garden."
"That's a staff-only area."
The other bachelor party I went to was actually a backpacking trip.
Uh, not like hostels, but into the wild.
Anybody ever done some backpacking like that?
A small handful. Yeah, that-- that's the right amount.
That is the correct amount
'cause we don't have to live like that anymore.
It's a crazy choice.
You know, it's intense.
It's not the same as camping. I've done a lot of camping, that's chill.
Camping, you just drive to the campsite.
You camp.
Backpacking, you drive to what is not the campsite.
You pull over on a highway, you unload everything,
you put it on your back, you say, "Thank you, car."
"I'mma take it from here."
"For the next 26 miles, I'mma pretend I'm a car."
"I'm off-road. I'm a Subaru."
I've never even worn one of those packs, you know?
I've never owned one. I'd never worn one. They're so big.
Even as a kid, I never liked how they look.
I always felt like the ratio was off. It's too much bag to human.
Like, I'm a basic JanSport kind of kid.
You know, like for me, a backpack should go from here to here.
I don't like how those packs get so big they start to come up
over your head.
I'm like, "Hey!"
"Hey, what you doing? You a backpack, right?"
"Well, get back."
My friend planned this trip for a bachelor party.
That's not traditional. And I knew he was a spiritual guy.
So when he told me he wanted to do something different,
I was like, "Okay, cool. So no heavy drinking, no strippers."
He's like, "Yeah, but also no shelter, no electricity."
That's like saying, "Hey, let's party!"
"But let's also abstain from fun and comfort."
Nobody else came.
The bachelor party was me and him.
Two dudes alone in the wild for four days,
giving each other nightly full-body tick checks.
Uh-oh.
It got romantic by accident.
But the question is,
would more boys make the party less gay?
I don't know. I don't think we have the math to solve that equation.
We did this trail, uh, off the coast of Northern California,
and it was beautiful.
You know, multiple times on the journey,
I found myself on a bluff overlooking the ocean,
overwhelmed by the beauty.
And I would say to my friend, "Thank you for planning everything."
"This feels like a once-in-a-lifetime thing,
'cause I'll probably never do it again."
He'd be like, "Grateful you could be here, otherwise I'd be by myself."
And the two of us would just stand there quietly,
trying to take in all the majesty.
And then I would think to myself, "I could kill this guy right now."
"I don't want to."
"But if I did, this is the best time."
I don't want to hurt anybody, but I love opportunity.
Something about being in nature, it makes you feel so calm,
so connected with the universe.
It makes you ponder these profound questions, like…
"Am I a murderer?"
Four days in the wild was enough
to really shift my perspective, really change my outlook.
When I came back to regular life,
I could not believe how good we have it.
The basics.
A trash can.
Go four days, no trash can,
then you realize that's a magical receptacle.
You put whatever you want in there, whatever you want.
That's no longer your responsibility.
Nah, that's society's problem.
You ain't got to worry about that.
Your granddaughter will figure it out.
I felt like a toddler.
I could not wait to go poo-poo in the toilet.
What a treat, the toilet.
We were out there for four days just digging holes.
Real quick pro tip.
If you ever go backpacking,
dig your hole the night before.
Have a little foresight.
Do it after dinner,
after y'all already put one in the chamber.
You don't want to dig a hole in the moment.
You don't want to dig a hole under duress.
It ain't going to be nice.
I woke up on day two, bit of an emergency.
I had to go. I grabbed a shovel.
I ran out there. I couldn't think straight.
I made some wrong turns.
I ended up on a big patch of hard-baked earth.
I couldn't break ground.
I was getting desperate.
I was like, "I might have to take care of business and then bury the body later."
Kind of makes sense.
Now you know how big that body is.
When you digging ahead of time, you got to guesstimate.
You got to ask yourself, "Are your eyes bigger than your butt?"
My first hole,
not enough hole.
I tried to bury it at the end.
It became a little hill.
They say "leave no trace."
I altered the topography.
Now they got to update that squiggly map.
It was a very memorable trip. We saw a lot of beautiful wildlife.
One of the most spectacular things we witnessed was a full-grown black bear.
When we came up on it,
it was bounding straight up a real steep incline.
And when I saw that power combined with that speed,
it crushed me.
'Cause I had a plan.
I told myself, if I had to outrun a bear,
I'mma fake left, then I'mma go right.
Then I saw the bear go uphill hella fast. I said, "That's not realistic, though."
I'mma fake left and then I'mma be dead for real.
If I got attacked by a bear,
I'mma have to just be present.
Right? You got to learn to accept the things you cannot change.
Breathe in, breathe out.
"What's happening right now? Man, I'm delicious."
"I'm getting mauled up. I'm too yummy to be in the forest."
"Oh, I see you struggling with the thigh meat."
"Yeah, my quads are tight from the hike, bear."
"Sorry. You should have caught me last week at the crib."
"I was tender then."
On day one, we hiked eight miles.
We're pretty deep into bear country.
There's no more cell reception.
By nightfall, it's so dark you can't see your own hand.
And I remember we crawled into the tent
and I zipped it up. I said, "Zip."
"I guess that means we're safe now."
"Is it okay if we both just go unconscious for eight hours?"
"'Cause we're inside."
"This is inside now. I went like that all the way to the top."
"Basically transformed the windbreaker into a force field."
"If we can't see them, how are they gonna know we in here?"
"All right now, bears, go to bed."
"You heard the zipper. It's bedtime, good night."
I felt more in danger
'cause my sleeping bag was right by the door.
But then I was like,
"The bear's probably not gonna use the proper entryway."
"It's gonna bust in here like the Kool-Aid Man."
It would be more unnerving if the bear did use the zipper.
That part's so scary.
Every time I do that, I give myself goose bumps.
We, uh…
Thank you. We have a-- We have a little bit of show left,
but I wanna take a quick moment to say thank you for being here.
Thank you for coming out.
Um…
I, uh…
Yeah, man. Thank you guys for being here. I take none of this for granted.
Like, I've been doing stand-up comedy for 23 years,
and this is my first major tour, and we doing sold-out theaters.
That's crazy.
It's a real dream, you know?
But to be honest, you know, my goal from the very beginning,
I just wanted to work on the craft.
I wanted to get better and get better and maybe eventually find my people.
But I never really considered what that meant.
'Cause I realize now,
every comedian brings a different demographic of fans
to these shows.
And I'm learning about who y'all are, 'cause whenever I get a chance
to talk to people who work at these shows, like the ushers,
they always tell me they like my audience,
'cause y'all generally like to have a good time, but you don't overdo it.
Very few people get kicked out of my shows.
Even in Philadelphia, it was quite peaceful.
It was chill.
'Cause you guys are kind.
You respect yourselves, you respect others.
And you just want to go to bed early.
I see you.
I mean, in a way, I'm proud of you.
I know you got a wind-down routine that you cannot wait to initiate.
There's so much to do. You gotta brew a chamomile tea.
You gotta take a hot shower. You gotta do your skincare routine.
You got your lymphatic drainage massage.
You gotta meditate, you gotta read that book
you've been trying to finish for 13 months.
It's a lot.
So I'm grateful that y'all are the fans
'cause it's always such a kind, loving, wholesome vibe.
I-- I want to reciprocate your support and your goodwill
with a little bit of transparency.
Uh, I believe I owe this to you. I just want to come clean. Um…
I got a fake tooth.
It's here in the middle, in the front.
So you have been deceived for 56 minutes now.
This is a crown.
Everything else is real except for this crown.
If you're a dentist, it's number eight.
I broke that tooth a number of years ago. It was a different time in my life.
I was living in New York, not making the best choices.
Obviously before I activated my purple toothbrush.
It's traumatic. Your first set of teeth, that's for fun.
Your second set, that's for real.
It's not coming back.
I was so ashamed. I was so desperate.
I went to my dentist, I said,
"Please, I need you to control-Z what I did to myself."
She was very reassuring.
She said, "No problem. We're gonna put a crown on that."
I didn't know what that meant. I said, "Do what you got to do. Let's go."
When they put a crown on a broken tooth,
they first whittle down what's left of the tooth
into a tiny bloody stump.
Most dentists don't want you to see, think, or know about that thing.
My dentist decided she wanted to show me her work.
At one point during the process, she swung a mirror down to my face.
I didn't know what was going on. I thought we were done.
I thought it was like when the barber shows you the back of your head.
I'm about to get your tip ready.
I took a quick glance.
Horror.
I did not react 'cause I didn't want to give it power.
I went dead in the face.
I looked away. I said, "Don't ever do that again."
I said, "I don't know why I got to tell you this right now,
but I came here for more tooth."
"I wanted increase tooth."
"You've been going the wrong way the whole time!"
What I saw continues to haunt me.
In the mirror, I see this,
but in my mind, I know the truth.
So I am motivated to protect that crown.
I don't use that thing. That's not for biting or tearing.
It's purely decorative.
Because I know if that crown ever fell out,
there is a petite goblin inside.
Lurking.
It's with me always.
And if you look closely, you could tell,
this crown, it's slightly bigger and whiter than the counterparts.
'Cause when you go through that process, they let you pick a color.
You choose a hue.
Somewhere between off-white and off-er-white.
And you can go lighter or darker,
depending on where you feel like your life is headed.
You still got ambition, or are you ready to just coast it out now?
You decide.
But if you're gonna go for it, you gotta be honest with yourself.
How white are the other teeth ever gonna get?
And how many years are you down to have one bright-ass tooth?
I'm Sheng Wang. Thank you, DC.
Thank you. Take care of yourselves.
Love each other, support each other.
I'll see you next time.