1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.BZ 2 00:00:06,047 --> 00:00:07,298 [applause] 3 00:00:07,382 --> 00:00:09,926 [woman] Hi, everybody. Are you ready to do this? 4 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ 5 00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:11,761 -[audience cheers] -Okay. 6 00:00:12,595 --> 00:00:18,852 Ladies, gentlemen, and everybody, please give it up for Sheng Wang! 7 00:00:18,935 --> 00:00:21,146 [audience cheering and applauding] 8 00:00:21,229 --> 00:00:23,356 [upbeat music playing] 9 00:00:32,157 --> 00:00:34,159 [cheering continues] 10 00:00:39,664 --> 00:00:42,417 What's up, DC? 11 00:00:42,500 --> 00:00:44,502 [cheering and applause continues] 12 00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:47,797 Oh, boy. 13 00:00:49,382 --> 00:00:51,634 Thank you. Thank you so much for coming out. 14 00:00:51,718 --> 00:00:55,388 Thank you so much for having me, man. I hope you're doing well. 15 00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:57,057 Uh, I'm feeling pretty good. 16 00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:59,476 I've been trying to eat more berries. 17 00:00:59,559 --> 00:01:00,518 [audience laughing] 18 00:01:00,602 --> 00:01:03,980 I'm real passionate about those antioxidants. 19 00:01:04,522 --> 00:01:05,398 It's weird. 20 00:01:05,482 --> 00:01:07,525 I don't even know what oxidants are. 21 00:01:07,609 --> 00:01:10,236 I just know that I'm against them. 22 00:01:12,614 --> 00:01:15,325 It seems like whenever you eat something that's yummy, 23 00:01:15,408 --> 00:01:18,369 there's some oxidants trying to bring you down. 24 00:01:19,454 --> 00:01:23,249 Right? So after I eat like a steak and some martinis, 25 00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:25,085 I call on my berries. 26 00:01:26,127 --> 00:01:27,670 I send in the antioxidants. 27 00:01:27,754 --> 00:01:31,341 I'm like, "Hey, man, go handle that." 28 00:01:32,967 --> 00:01:35,053 "Make it look like an accident." 29 00:01:36,846 --> 00:01:39,390 Sometimes I eat the berries before the dinner. 30 00:01:39,474 --> 00:01:41,643 I lay a trap. 31 00:01:43,311 --> 00:01:47,649 They don't know what's coming. They think they about to go oxidize. 32 00:01:50,318 --> 00:01:54,781 I like berries for sure, but you know who really love eating berries the most? 33 00:01:54,864 --> 00:01:57,325 Your friends' kids. 34 00:01:58,910 --> 00:02:01,329 Uh-oh, when your friends' kids come over, 35 00:02:01,412 --> 00:02:04,374 hide the berries under the broccoli, quick. 36 00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:07,252 That's a hard lesson to learn, man. 37 00:02:07,335 --> 00:02:10,421 My friend came over with her kid. I'm a good host. 38 00:02:10,505 --> 00:02:13,842 I bust out snacks, refreshments, the berries. 39 00:02:13,925 --> 00:02:15,552 I'm happy they're happy. 40 00:02:15,635 --> 00:02:19,931 And then I realize, "Oh, this girl don't know how much they cost at all." 41 00:02:20,014 --> 00:02:20,974 [audience laughing] 42 00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:23,351 She eating them crazy. 43 00:02:24,352 --> 00:02:26,271 By the fistful. 44 00:02:27,063 --> 00:02:29,941 I never seen berries be held like that. 45 00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:32,735 That's not how you eat berries. 46 00:02:32,819 --> 00:02:36,364 That's how you display a sacrificial human heart. 47 00:02:36,447 --> 00:02:38,324 [audience laughing] 48 00:02:40,952 --> 00:02:43,204 I don't say anything 'cause it's good for them. 49 00:02:43,288 --> 00:02:46,541 But in my mind, I'm like, "That's not reasonable." 50 00:02:46,624 --> 00:02:48,084 [audience laughing] 51 00:02:48,585 --> 00:02:51,671 I'm trying to be cool, I'm trying. But I'm bothered, you know? 52 00:02:51,754 --> 00:02:55,967 I'm so bothered, I can't follow the conversation with the grown-ups. 53 00:02:57,177 --> 00:03:02,015 I don't know what we talking about. I'm too busy assessing my losses. 54 00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:07,353 "Nobody see what's going on right now? We getting robbed." 55 00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:09,147 [audience laughing] 56 00:03:10,398 --> 00:03:14,360 I don't know what to do. I-- I try to show her how to eat a berry. 57 00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:16,362 I try to model behavior. 58 00:03:16,446 --> 00:03:20,617 I'm like, "Hey, uh, take one." 59 00:03:21,659 --> 00:03:24,037 "Look at it. Appreciate the color, the texture." 60 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:26,331 "Be present with the berry." 61 00:03:27,373 --> 00:03:29,042 "Chew it slowly, savor it." 62 00:03:29,125 --> 00:03:33,338 "After you eat a whole cup, that's enough for today. All done." 63 00:03:33,421 --> 00:03:35,715 [audience laughing and applauding] 64 00:03:38,384 --> 00:03:40,553 She don't know how to take a hint. 65 00:03:40,637 --> 00:03:44,432 I get so frustrated, I start to eat the berries as fast as I can. 66 00:03:44,515 --> 00:03:46,226 [audience laughing] 67 00:03:47,143 --> 00:03:49,771 Hide them in my esophagus. 68 00:03:52,565 --> 00:03:54,609 It's something you have to accept, right? 69 00:03:54,692 --> 00:04:00,406 When there's kids on the scene, the hang will be less predictable. 70 00:04:00,990 --> 00:04:01,824 Things happen. 71 00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:04,202 The other day, I'm at my friend's house. 72 00:04:04,285 --> 00:04:07,413 It's a bunch of bros having beers around the firepit in the backyard. 73 00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:09,082 It's a fun, silly time. 74 00:04:09,165 --> 00:04:11,668 Suddenly, my friend's kid came out. 75 00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:13,378 Pop-quizzed him. 76 00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:18,007 That's when, out of nowhere, no context, your kid just run up on you, 77 00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:22,345 and they hit you with a question about science in front of everybody. 78 00:04:22,428 --> 00:04:23,930 [audience laughing] 79 00:04:24,013 --> 00:04:25,974 Now it's quiet. 80 00:04:27,308 --> 00:04:32,397 Now my friend is struggling to explain how the moon works. 81 00:04:34,190 --> 00:04:36,859 I'm nervous for him. 82 00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:39,320 I know he know we listening too. 83 00:04:39,404 --> 00:04:41,114 [audience laughing] 84 00:04:41,197 --> 00:04:43,616 We would like to know as well. 85 00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:48,705 "That's a good question. Hey, why is it like that?" 86 00:04:50,748 --> 00:04:55,003 We don't know the answer, but we actively judging his response. 87 00:04:55,086 --> 00:04:56,796 [audience laughing] 88 00:04:57,463 --> 00:05:00,008 You know, 'cause when your friend explains stuff to the kids, 89 00:05:00,091 --> 00:05:02,010 sometimes they have to dumb it down. 90 00:05:02,093 --> 00:05:06,639 But then sometimes you realize, "Oh, no, my friend is dumb." 91 00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:08,391 [audience laughing] 92 00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:14,564 Kids can clarify your situation, you know? 93 00:05:14,647 --> 00:05:17,108 Like the other day, I took my niece to the playground. 94 00:05:17,191 --> 00:05:20,611 It's all good and fun until she started to struggle on the monkey bars. 95 00:05:20,695 --> 00:05:23,740 So I was like, "Well, let me show you how we do that." 96 00:05:23,823 --> 00:05:27,744 I found out I have lost my monkey bar powers. 97 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:33,082 I didn't know that was a skill we could lose this early. 98 00:05:34,083 --> 00:05:38,087 It's over. It breaks my heart to know that at one point in my life, 99 00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:41,758 I did monkey bars for the very last time, 100 00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:45,928 but nobody took a picture or nothing. 101 00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:49,849 I thought I had it. I was confident. 102 00:05:49,932 --> 00:05:51,809 'Cause I could do a few pull-ups, you know? 103 00:05:51,893 --> 00:05:58,191 But monkey bars is all your body weight on one hand, and you swinging. 104 00:05:59,108 --> 00:06:02,111 So you pulling Gs. 105 00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:05,823 I forgot about the g-force. 106 00:06:05,907 --> 00:06:09,035 I'm on the first bar, I initiated forward motion, 107 00:06:09,118 --> 00:06:11,662 and as the Gs started to increase, 108 00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:14,165 I felt a pain right here. 109 00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:17,627 My rotator cuff 110 00:06:18,753 --> 00:06:21,464 was like, "You better let go, boy." 111 00:06:22,423 --> 00:06:26,052 "Ooh, I'm about to rip off your torso." 112 00:06:26,135 --> 00:06:28,346 [audience laughing] 113 00:06:29,347 --> 00:06:31,516 I was hurt emotionally too. 114 00:06:32,141 --> 00:06:34,727 You know, 'cause I wanted to show her a joyful skill 115 00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:37,939 that she could develop with practice and experience. 116 00:06:38,022 --> 00:06:42,110 Instead, I showed her how quickly the body can decay and betray you. 117 00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:44,195 [audience laughing] 118 00:06:44,779 --> 00:06:47,407 It was also upsetting 'cause I've seen videos 119 00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:50,827 of terrorists training on monkey bars. 120 00:06:50,910 --> 00:06:52,912 I always thought that was so silly, 121 00:06:52,995 --> 00:06:55,915 but now I'm like, "Dang, they're pretty athletic." 122 00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:59,085 "They might be a problem." 123 00:06:59,168 --> 00:07:00,795 [audience laughing] 124 00:07:04,757 --> 00:07:08,886 I feel very grateful I get to perform in beautiful theaters like this. 125 00:07:09,637 --> 00:07:12,223 -[audience cheering] -It's so nice. This is so nice. 126 00:07:14,725 --> 00:07:16,644 It's not always like this. 127 00:07:16,727 --> 00:07:19,856 Uh, one of the last shows I did in LA 128 00:07:19,939 --> 00:07:23,109 was inside an adult novelty store. 129 00:07:23,609 --> 00:07:27,113 I like doing that show 'cause they have free parking. 130 00:07:28,030 --> 00:07:29,949 Yeah, that's my kink. 131 00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:34,537 I did my set. Afterwards, I did a little browsing, 132 00:07:34,620 --> 00:07:38,499 and I came across an edible bra made out of hard candy. 133 00:07:38,583 --> 00:07:40,042 I was intrigued, but I was like, 134 00:07:40,126 --> 00:07:44,088 "That's for young folks. I don't eat candy like that anymore." 135 00:07:45,047 --> 00:07:46,966 I'm down to have fun. We can play. 136 00:07:47,049 --> 00:07:51,262 I'll take a nibble, but let's save the rest for later, you know? 137 00:07:51,345 --> 00:07:55,475 Come on, don't expect me to eat a whole bra. 138 00:07:56,726 --> 00:08:00,771 I'm not going to eat all that candy, girl. I'mma get a headache. 139 00:08:02,231 --> 00:08:05,359 You better have some underwear made out of Tylenol. 140 00:08:05,443 --> 00:08:07,236 [audience laughing] 141 00:08:07,987 --> 00:08:11,532 You got something more suitable for a grown-up palate? 142 00:08:12,450 --> 00:08:14,869 I mean, how about instead of a whole bra of candy, 143 00:08:14,952 --> 00:08:18,539 how about we just go with a couple of dark chocolate pasties? 144 00:08:19,624 --> 00:08:23,461 Bittersweet, at least 75% cacao. 145 00:08:23,544 --> 00:08:25,505 [audience applauds] 146 00:08:25,588 --> 00:08:29,467 We can take it up to 85%. I'm not scared. 147 00:08:32,053 --> 00:08:34,430 I picked up the box for the bra. 148 00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:37,600 I flipped it over to read the nutritional data. 149 00:08:39,393 --> 00:08:41,312 How much protein this bra got? 150 00:08:41,395 --> 00:08:42,813 [audience laughing] 151 00:08:45,483 --> 00:08:49,612 I was surprised. It said eight grams of sugar. 152 00:08:49,695 --> 00:08:51,906 That's not too bad. 153 00:08:51,989 --> 00:08:54,158 If you're gonna give yourself a sweet treat, 154 00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:56,786 eight grams is quite reasonable. 155 00:08:56,869 --> 00:09:00,414 And then I looked further. It said 26 servings. 156 00:09:00,498 --> 00:09:02,458 [audience laughing] 157 00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:05,836 Dang! One bra, 26? 158 00:09:06,337 --> 00:09:09,590 Usually, it's just two of us in the room. 159 00:09:11,717 --> 00:09:15,471 Hey, this recipe is designed for a group setting. 160 00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:19,392 That's a great bra to wear to a potluck. 161 00:09:21,018 --> 00:09:24,564 "Let me know when y'all ready for dessert. She got them warmed up." 162 00:09:24,647 --> 00:09:26,399 [audience laughing] 163 00:09:27,358 --> 00:09:29,986 I can't do 26 servings by myself, though. 164 00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:31,445 No way. 165 00:09:31,529 --> 00:09:34,657 No way. My A1C is elevated. 166 00:09:35,449 --> 00:09:37,326 Yeah, I'm already prediabetic. 167 00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:40,329 I can't lose a foot to see a titty. 168 00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:42,873 [audience laughing] 169 00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:45,293 My mom would be mad. 170 00:09:46,294 --> 00:09:48,296 She made that foot. 171 00:09:53,301 --> 00:09:56,971 I actually got to see my family recently in Houston. 172 00:09:57,054 --> 00:10:01,142 I got to revisit the house that I grew up in. 173 00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:04,061 It's interesting to go back at this age 174 00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:08,232 'cause you notice things you could not quite see as a child. 175 00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:11,277 Right? Like I realize now, the house that I grew up in 176 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,988 has depressing lighting. 177 00:10:14,071 --> 00:10:15,239 [audience laughing] 178 00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:17,658 It's so obvious now. 179 00:10:18,326 --> 00:10:21,621 But as a kid, I could never figure out what was wrong. 180 00:10:22,496 --> 00:10:26,542 As a kid, I was always like, "But why is it sad?" 181 00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:28,252 [audience laughing] 182 00:10:29,795 --> 00:10:32,673 I was close to having a good childhood. 183 00:10:32,757 --> 00:10:35,593 We just needed some lamps. 184 00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:38,721 That's an easy fix, 185 00:10:38,804 --> 00:10:44,352 but first-generation immigrants don't really prioritize vibes. 186 00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:50,483 They think ambiance is Jay-Z's wife. 187 00:10:50,566 --> 00:10:52,568 [audience laughing] 188 00:10:54,111 --> 00:10:58,949 Most of the rooms have one light. Just one light, overhead in the middle. 189 00:10:59,867 --> 00:11:02,536 Perfect for an interrogation. 190 00:11:03,621 --> 00:11:05,748 Very dramatic shadows. 191 00:11:05,831 --> 00:11:09,418 You walk in there, suddenly your eye bags are plump. 192 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,713 My parents weren't unhappy. 193 00:11:12,797 --> 00:11:16,759 They just always looked like they about to tell you a ghost story. 194 00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:19,053 [audience laughing] 195 00:11:21,597 --> 00:11:23,307 My cousin had it pretty bad 196 00:11:23,391 --> 00:11:26,811 because my uncle installed too many, uh, fluorescent lights 197 00:11:26,894 --> 00:11:28,270 in their place. 198 00:11:28,771 --> 00:11:30,856 That might be more energy efficient, 199 00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:33,859 but it's not a loving thing to do. 200 00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:37,613 It's-- It's not cozy, it's eerie. 201 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:40,741 Fluorescent light, it's mostly sound. 202 00:11:42,743 --> 00:11:44,203 You hear it coming. 203 00:11:44,286 --> 00:11:46,497 Before you even get there, you already know. 204 00:11:46,580 --> 00:11:49,250 "But I don't want to stay long tonight." 205 00:11:49,333 --> 00:11:50,835 [audience laughing] 206 00:11:51,419 --> 00:11:54,755 It's got the buzz of a green-headed fly 207 00:11:54,839 --> 00:11:58,634 paired with the warmth of an autopsy table. 208 00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:02,638 Set the mood for a panic attack. 209 00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:04,348 [audience laughing] 210 00:12:06,517 --> 00:12:09,812 I was raised in a house that had a no-shoe policy, 211 00:12:09,895 --> 00:12:11,981 which means that when you get home, 212 00:12:12,064 --> 00:12:14,942 you stop at the entryway, you remove your shoes, 213 00:12:15,025 --> 00:12:16,861 and then you could proceed. 214 00:12:16,944 --> 00:12:19,530 But I have friends that didn't live like that. 215 00:12:19,613 --> 00:12:21,657 And when I got to visit their place, 216 00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:25,578 I was excited to try something so exotic. 217 00:12:25,661 --> 00:12:27,204 [audience laughing] 218 00:12:27,288 --> 00:12:28,497 I remember one summer, 219 00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:31,375 all the neighborhood kids are gathering at Mark's place 220 00:12:31,459 --> 00:12:35,254 'cause he just got Street Fighter II on Super Nintendo. 221 00:12:35,337 --> 00:12:36,547 -[audience] Whoo! -Yeah. 222 00:12:36,630 --> 00:12:38,716 It was a big deal at the time. 223 00:12:38,799 --> 00:12:42,136 But I was really looking forward to going from outside to inside, 224 00:12:42,219 --> 00:12:43,471 no stopping. 225 00:12:43,554 --> 00:12:44,597 [audience laughs] 226 00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:47,057 Oh, I'm going straight through. 227 00:12:47,141 --> 00:12:52,271 I'm not gonna just hover around the foyer, I'mma go deep into that house. 228 00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,815 I'mma go all the way to the living room. 229 00:12:54,899 --> 00:12:58,402 I'mma see what carpet feels like with shoes on. 230 00:12:59,653 --> 00:13:03,407 Dang, I never walked through a home with so much grip. 231 00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:05,493 [audience laughs] 232 00:13:05,576 --> 00:13:08,621 And you got the thermostat on the AC set below 80. 233 00:13:08,704 --> 00:13:11,332 Feel like y'all living in a hotel. 234 00:13:11,415 --> 00:13:12,917 [audience laughing] 235 00:13:16,754 --> 00:13:19,256 The pinnacle is sometimes, when you go to the bathroom, 236 00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:21,592 because sometimes the bathroom is set up in such a way 237 00:13:21,675 --> 00:13:23,135 where you're like, "Oh, my gosh, 238 00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:28,140 am I expected to step on the bath mat with my shoes on?" 239 00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:31,101 Ooh, that feels sacrilegious to me. 240 00:13:31,185 --> 00:13:35,105 It's the first thing your body touches after you step out of the shower. 241 00:13:35,189 --> 00:13:37,316 I could never do that at home. 242 00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,693 Now I kind of want to try it. 243 00:13:40,319 --> 00:13:42,029 But if I'm a good friend, I won't. 244 00:13:42,112 --> 00:13:45,658 If I care about you like myself, I'll straddle the bath mat. 245 00:13:45,741 --> 00:13:47,785 I'll go in there like this. 246 00:13:47,868 --> 00:13:49,829 [audience laughing] 247 00:13:51,747 --> 00:13:53,374 That's love. 248 00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:57,169 You don't always see what I do for you. 249 00:13:58,712 --> 00:14:00,756 Love is not boastful. 250 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,716 [audience laughing] 251 00:14:06,387 --> 00:14:09,473 I try to maintain a no-shoe policy at my place, 252 00:14:09,557 --> 00:14:11,892 but it's not 100%. 253 00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:13,352 Sometimes you have to bend. 254 00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:15,896 Every now and then you'll be in a rush, you got your shoes on, 255 00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:19,984 you already stepped outside, then you realize you forgot your wallet. 256 00:14:20,067 --> 00:14:23,279 But you don't have time to do the whole thing again. 257 00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:28,075 So it's about to be a special occasion. 258 00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:31,662 You're going in with your shoes on today. 259 00:14:31,745 --> 00:14:34,540 But you don't walk regularly. 260 00:14:36,083 --> 00:14:38,335 You go back in your place like the floor is lava. 261 00:14:38,419 --> 00:14:39,461 You're like… 262 00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:41,505 [audience laughing] 263 00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:44,383 [cheers and applause] 264 00:14:49,513 --> 00:14:51,015 It look crazy. 265 00:14:51,515 --> 00:14:54,643 But it's all backed by science. 266 00:14:55,769 --> 00:14:57,146 You know what you're doing. 267 00:14:57,229 --> 00:15:02,276 You take wide steps to minimize the points of contamination. 268 00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:08,282 You stay on the balls of your feet to minimize the surface area. 269 00:15:08,365 --> 00:15:12,244 And you're moving quickly because three-second rule. 270 00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:15,372 These are the games you play 271 00:15:15,456 --> 00:15:20,127 when you an anxious person pretending you have control in your life. 272 00:15:20,210 --> 00:15:22,546 [audience laughing and applauding] 273 00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:29,136 So many things in the world that are out of our control, you know? 274 00:15:29,219 --> 00:15:32,181 Like, every now and then when I'm on tour, I'll be at a hotel, 275 00:15:32,264 --> 00:15:36,435 I'll catch a mattress at the tail end of their lifespan. 276 00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:37,895 It happens. 277 00:15:37,978 --> 00:15:40,481 Usually it's a little droopy. 278 00:15:40,981 --> 00:15:45,361 The other day I had an old mattress that was memory foam, and it looked fine. 279 00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:49,657 You couldn't see anything wrong, but when you lay down, you felt something. 280 00:15:50,491 --> 00:15:53,661 It was the memory of somebody else. 281 00:15:53,744 --> 00:15:55,120 [audience laughing] 282 00:15:55,204 --> 00:15:58,248 It was a vivid recollection. 283 00:15:59,708 --> 00:16:05,130 There was a unique emptiness created by a body that's not present, 284 00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:09,802 but clearly defined by the boundaries of their absence. 285 00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:15,307 And I'm all up in the contours of a larger man. 286 00:16:16,850 --> 00:16:18,352 We had different shapes. 287 00:16:18,435 --> 00:16:20,938 I'm not the key to that lock. 288 00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:25,734 I had edges where he had curves. 289 00:16:26,235 --> 00:16:30,114 It felt like I was laying on a tiny skate park. 290 00:16:30,197 --> 00:16:32,199 [audience laughing] 291 00:16:36,578 --> 00:16:38,998 I don't know if y'all could tell by my aura, 292 00:16:39,081 --> 00:16:41,959 but I've been cooking with shallots. 293 00:16:42,042 --> 00:16:44,253 [audience laughing and whooping] 294 00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:46,255 You see it. 295 00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:50,092 There's a glow. 296 00:16:51,051 --> 00:16:52,803 They're nice. Shallots are nice, man. 297 00:16:52,886 --> 00:16:55,764 I only recently discovered them. I was like, "What's up, onion?" 298 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,642 "You didn't tell me you had a fine-ass cousin." 299 00:16:58,726 --> 00:16:59,727 [audience laughing] 300 00:16:59,810 --> 00:17:02,521 "Dang, where's she from? She smell different." 301 00:17:03,897 --> 00:17:05,482 They're similar, 302 00:17:05,566 --> 00:17:07,776 but you don't treat them the same. 303 00:17:08,318 --> 00:17:09,778 Onions, you take for granted. 304 00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:13,866 You buy them by the sack, then you throw them in the dark for later. 305 00:17:14,908 --> 00:17:17,286 But when you bring home one shallot, 306 00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:18,871 oh, you got plans made. 307 00:17:18,954 --> 00:17:20,164 [audience laughing] 308 00:17:20,247 --> 00:17:23,917 You about to follow a recipe tonight. 309 00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:28,005 You going all out. You gonna bust out the mandolin slicing, 310 00:17:28,088 --> 00:17:32,509 slip on that one Michael Jackson glove so you don't shave off your fingerprints. 311 00:17:37,556 --> 00:17:40,267 I've been exploring all kinds of aromatics, man. 312 00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:42,853 I just went through a big leek phase. 313 00:17:43,437 --> 00:17:48,650 Love leeks, but I'm regretful because I avoided them for a long time. 314 00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:52,446 'Cause when you see your first leek, it's intimidating. 315 00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:56,533 I was like, "Dang, that's a buff-ass green onion." 316 00:17:56,617 --> 00:17:58,494 [audience laughing] 317 00:17:58,577 --> 00:18:00,162 "What's that about?" 318 00:18:00,704 --> 00:18:04,708 I'm trying to eat organic. That thing can't pass no drug test. 319 00:18:05,209 --> 00:18:07,753 It's too thick. 320 00:18:08,253 --> 00:18:11,006 Why'd they let it get like that? 321 00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:12,508 They forgot about it. 322 00:18:12,591 --> 00:18:15,677 They should've harvested it like three years ago. 323 00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:18,430 At this point, leave it alone. 324 00:18:18,514 --> 00:18:21,183 It's about to be a tree. 325 00:18:21,266 --> 00:18:23,018 [audience laughing] 326 00:18:26,146 --> 00:18:29,108 I love cooking. I love cooking. I love the whole process. 327 00:18:29,191 --> 00:18:32,194 I love the power of herbs and spices. 328 00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:34,446 It's truly magical to me, you know? 329 00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:37,741 One of my go-to spices is cumin. 330 00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:40,119 -[audience whoops] -It's a good one. It's a good one. 331 00:18:40,202 --> 00:18:44,456 So many different cultures use the same spice all around the world. 332 00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:47,459 It's got this deep, savory profile, 333 00:18:47,543 --> 00:18:50,963 a little bit of funk, just a hint of BO. 334 00:18:51,046 --> 00:18:52,131 [audience laughs] 335 00:18:52,214 --> 00:18:54,591 It's a festive spice, very festive. 336 00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:56,510 Every time I smell that cumin, I'm like, 337 00:18:56,593 --> 00:18:59,429 "Oh, smell like somebody else in this kitchen right now." 338 00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:01,431 [audience laughing] 339 00:19:01,515 --> 00:19:03,517 "Hello?" 340 00:19:05,894 --> 00:19:09,314 "Smells like someone just finished some light yard work." 341 00:19:10,315 --> 00:19:12,943 "Thank you, let me get you some water." 342 00:19:14,236 --> 00:19:17,114 "Come on in here with that sexy musk." 343 00:19:22,786 --> 00:19:26,165 Sometimes after, like, a long streak of eating out, 344 00:19:26,248 --> 00:19:31,712 I try to redeem myself by making a healthy smoothie at home. 345 00:19:31,795 --> 00:19:33,547 But I always overdo it, 346 00:19:33,630 --> 00:19:38,427 'cause I try to cram in everything I wish I would've ate earlier that week. 347 00:19:39,094 --> 00:19:42,389 It'd be like so many salads, all types of fruit, 348 00:19:42,472 --> 00:19:46,268 walnuts, mushroom powder, flaxseeds, turmeric, black pepper. 349 00:19:46,351 --> 00:19:49,813 My smoothie come out dark gray. 350 00:19:49,897 --> 00:19:51,607 [audience laughing] 351 00:19:51,690 --> 00:19:53,734 It's viscous. 352 00:19:54,526 --> 00:19:57,487 It look like wet concrete. 353 00:19:58,614 --> 00:20:00,199 It sucks, 354 00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:03,577 but it will not move through a straw. 355 00:20:04,578 --> 00:20:07,915 You gotta drink my smoothie with a knife and fork. 356 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,168 It's too thick. 357 00:20:11,251 --> 00:20:14,504 You're supposed to add liquid to get the right consistency. 358 00:20:14,588 --> 00:20:18,592 Well, great. Now I got two gallons of smoothie. 359 00:20:19,593 --> 00:20:21,220 I gotta get my girl involved. 360 00:20:21,303 --> 00:20:25,724 I'm like, "Babe, I made you a snack too. I'm sorry." 361 00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:32,272 I have no formal culinary training. 362 00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:35,359 A lot of just learning on the job, improvising in the moment. 363 00:20:35,442 --> 00:20:37,110 I never make the same meal twice 364 00:20:37,194 --> 00:20:40,197 'cause I don't know how it happened that first time. 365 00:20:41,490 --> 00:20:42,991 And if my girl likes the food, 366 00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:46,370 I'm like, "Enjoy it, 'cause that's never coming back." 367 00:20:47,621 --> 00:20:49,915 "We got blessed tonight." 368 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,712 I do most of the cooking, but every now and then, my girl, 369 00:20:55,796 --> 00:20:59,800 she'll buy a special kitchen tool that we don't really use, 370 00:20:59,883 --> 00:21:03,011 but it will take up some storage space. 371 00:21:04,388 --> 00:21:08,100 She came home with a real chunky garlic press. 372 00:21:08,183 --> 00:21:10,769 Created a lot of traffic jams in the kitchen drawer. 373 00:21:10,852 --> 00:21:13,313 You know how when you go to open the drawer, 374 00:21:13,397 --> 00:21:16,233 your other hand gotta go in and calm everybody down? 375 00:21:16,316 --> 00:21:17,317 Like, "Hey…" 376 00:21:17,401 --> 00:21:19,194 [shushing] 377 00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:21,655 [audience laughing and clapping] 378 00:21:22,489 --> 00:21:24,783 "Relax." 379 00:21:24,866 --> 00:21:28,287 "Hey, chill, chill. Lay down. It's just me, lay down." 380 00:21:29,496 --> 00:21:31,790 "Why you so rowdy?" 381 00:21:32,332 --> 00:21:36,211 "You got everybody all worked up in there. You got the tongs in a tizzy." 382 00:21:38,213 --> 00:21:39,881 And your knuckle get all scraped up, 383 00:21:39,965 --> 00:21:42,509 'cause they don't paint the wood on that side. 384 00:21:42,592 --> 00:21:44,303 [audience laughing] 385 00:21:49,433 --> 00:21:52,394 One time, my girl came home with a spiralizer 386 00:21:52,477 --> 00:21:56,565 to make zucchini noodles that nobody's excited about. 387 00:21:56,648 --> 00:21:57,899 [audience laughing] 388 00:21:58,775 --> 00:22:00,277 It's sad, you know? 389 00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:03,822 Because when you first see it work, you're excited. 390 00:22:03,905 --> 00:22:07,284 You're like, "Ooh, that do look like a noodle." 391 00:22:08,410 --> 00:22:09,995 It do! 392 00:22:10,078 --> 00:22:12,080 And in your heart, you want to believe. 393 00:22:12,164 --> 00:22:14,291 You're like, "Maybe." 394 00:22:15,292 --> 00:22:17,419 "Maybe it is a noodle." 395 00:22:18,295 --> 00:22:22,632 But when you sit down to eat, you know that's a vegetable string. 396 00:22:23,550 --> 00:22:25,302 Wake up, fool. 397 00:22:26,678 --> 00:22:31,266 I can't watch a sci-fi thriller and eat zoodles. 398 00:22:31,933 --> 00:22:35,812 'Cause I can only suspend so much disbelief. 399 00:22:37,147 --> 00:22:40,359 I could believe that evil robots from the future 400 00:22:40,442 --> 00:22:42,611 time-travel here to destroy us, 401 00:22:42,694 --> 00:22:45,322 or I could pretend that's spaghetti. 402 00:22:45,405 --> 00:22:47,115 [audience laughing] 403 00:22:50,952 --> 00:22:54,748 One time, my girl came home with this interesting Japanese onion slicer. 404 00:22:54,831 --> 00:22:58,001 It's got this one handle, on top of which there's like eight blades. 405 00:22:58,085 --> 00:22:59,753 One stroke, eight cuts. 406 00:22:59,836 --> 00:23:01,838 I never used it. 407 00:23:01,922 --> 00:23:03,757 About a year ago, I'm cleaning out. 408 00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:05,717 I pulled it up. I forgot what it was. 409 00:23:05,801 --> 00:23:07,260 There was a cap on top. 410 00:23:07,344 --> 00:23:08,470 I misplaced my hand. 411 00:23:08,553 --> 00:23:12,808 When I opened it, I ran my finger over all eight blades. 412 00:23:13,475 --> 00:23:17,521 And then I threw it away! 413 00:23:17,604 --> 00:23:19,648 [audience laughing] 414 00:23:19,731 --> 00:23:22,818 That's the only time we ever used it. 415 00:23:24,069 --> 00:23:26,822 It sat brand-new in the drawer for years, 416 00:23:26,905 --> 00:23:28,782 just waiting to strike. 417 00:23:29,991 --> 00:23:31,868 And it got me good. I was impressed. 418 00:23:31,952 --> 00:23:35,622 It was the most evenly spaced injury I have ever suffered. 419 00:23:36,790 --> 00:23:39,793 The doctor said my cuts were restaurant quality. 420 00:23:39,876 --> 00:23:41,962 [audience laughing] 421 00:23:45,757 --> 00:23:49,261 Currently, I'm back on the market for a new toaster oven. 422 00:23:49,344 --> 00:23:50,887 It's that time again. 423 00:23:51,930 --> 00:23:55,267 We got a basic brand. It's not bad. We've had it for ten years. 424 00:23:55,350 --> 00:23:59,563 It still works, but now it also works when nobody's home. 425 00:23:59,646 --> 00:24:01,064 [audience laughs] 426 00:24:01,148 --> 00:24:02,983 It's getting too good. 427 00:24:03,817 --> 00:24:06,653 So we looking at some options, and I'm not for sure, 428 00:24:06,736 --> 00:24:10,490 but I'm at a point in my life where, like, I might be able to afford 429 00:24:10,574 --> 00:24:12,284 a Breville toaster. 430 00:24:12,367 --> 00:24:15,203 -[audience] Whoo! -Maybe, maybe, maybe. 431 00:24:15,287 --> 00:24:18,123 Maybe. I gotta run the numbers again. 432 00:24:18,206 --> 00:24:19,416 [audience laughing] 433 00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:22,169 It's so expensive, but it's very pretty, 434 00:24:22,252 --> 00:24:24,713 and my friends really like theirs, so I'm excited. 435 00:24:24,796 --> 00:24:28,550 But then it did occur to me, like if it really is that great, 436 00:24:28,633 --> 00:24:33,346 I guess there's a chance this could be my last toaster. 437 00:24:34,264 --> 00:24:35,724 Dang, that's heavy. 438 00:24:36,683 --> 00:24:37,934 I'm not ready for all that. 439 00:24:38,018 --> 00:24:41,771 I'm just trying to make my dino nuggets crispy. 440 00:24:43,023 --> 00:24:46,610 Now you got me contemplating my mortality. 441 00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:52,741 Now I'm wondering to whom shall I bequeath this heirloom? 442 00:24:54,159 --> 00:24:59,539 Which niece or nephew got the charisma to tell my story on the Antique Roadshow? 443 00:24:59,623 --> 00:25:01,625 [audience laughing] 444 00:25:08,590 --> 00:25:10,592 To this day, to this day, 445 00:25:10,675 --> 00:25:13,553 I still have some frugal habits from my childhood 446 00:25:13,637 --> 00:25:15,430 that I can't quite shake. 447 00:25:15,514 --> 00:25:19,976 Like, it's still hard for me to use a whole paper towel. 448 00:25:21,436 --> 00:25:22,979 I want to rip it in two. 449 00:25:23,063 --> 00:25:25,023 I'll give the other half to my boo. 450 00:25:26,316 --> 00:25:28,485 Or I'll leave it on the roll, 451 00:25:28,568 --> 00:25:31,613 and then I wind it back to make it look nice. 452 00:25:32,989 --> 00:25:35,867 If I'm at a restaurant, they hand out a wet towelette, 453 00:25:35,951 --> 00:25:38,370 usually I don't use it right away. 454 00:25:38,453 --> 00:25:41,164 I'm like, "Hey, let me put that in my pocket." 455 00:25:41,998 --> 00:25:44,000 "I want to save it for later." 456 00:25:44,084 --> 00:25:46,253 "It's too special for now." 457 00:25:46,753 --> 00:25:50,340 It's wet, it's individually wrapped, so it feel like a commitment. 458 00:25:50,423 --> 00:25:53,677 When you choose to deploy it, you got one shot. 459 00:25:54,844 --> 00:25:56,346 Make it count. 460 00:25:56,930 --> 00:25:59,724 So you just-- You just keep it on you. You ready. 461 00:25:59,808 --> 00:26:01,685 And you move through life. 462 00:26:01,768 --> 00:26:04,688 And every now and then, a situation will come up, and you be like… 463 00:26:04,771 --> 00:26:08,108 [gasps] "Is it time?" 464 00:26:09,651 --> 00:26:11,319 "Nah, not yet." 465 00:26:11,861 --> 00:26:14,197 "Not yet. This ain't that bad. I got some napkins." 466 00:26:14,281 --> 00:26:17,659 "I got condensation on my ice water. I'll just go like that." 467 00:26:17,742 --> 00:26:19,077 [audience laughing] 468 00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:22,539 "I'm good. I'm good. I can't waste a whole towelette on this." 469 00:26:25,083 --> 00:26:27,043 So you wait. You continue to wait. 470 00:26:27,127 --> 00:26:29,754 And finally one day, you find a moment that's worthy. 471 00:26:29,838 --> 00:26:31,798 You excited to get your satisfaction. 472 00:26:31,881 --> 00:26:35,468 You open the wrapper to find all the liquid is gone. 473 00:26:36,386 --> 00:26:38,763 Now you're trying to clean your barbecue fingers 474 00:26:38,847 --> 00:26:42,017 with what's basically a used dryer sheet. 475 00:26:42,100 --> 00:26:44,060 [audience laughing] 476 00:26:50,900 --> 00:26:53,403 Technically, I'm a full-blown adult, 477 00:26:53,486 --> 00:26:57,907 but I feel like I got a little ways to go to become a real grown-up. 478 00:26:57,991 --> 00:27:01,328 I'm trying to push myself, you know, in small steps. 479 00:27:01,411 --> 00:27:04,581 Like sometimes, after I watch a scary movie, 480 00:27:04,664 --> 00:27:07,542 I'll walk into a dark room in my apartment, 481 00:27:07,626 --> 00:27:11,546 but I won't even turn on the lights. I just try to be brave. 482 00:27:11,630 --> 00:27:14,049 [audience laughs] 483 00:27:14,132 --> 00:27:16,635 That means you keep your natural pace. 484 00:27:16,718 --> 00:27:19,846 When you get in there, don't start moving faster. 485 00:27:20,597 --> 00:27:22,265 That's your house. 486 00:27:23,099 --> 00:27:24,517 Act like it then. 487 00:27:24,601 --> 00:27:26,102 [audience laughs] 488 00:27:26,895 --> 00:27:28,480 When you start to scurry, 489 00:27:28,563 --> 00:27:31,650 you let the ghosts know they got you shook. 490 00:27:31,733 --> 00:27:33,443 [audience laughing] 491 00:27:33,526 --> 00:27:36,279 Don't give 'em the satisfaction. 492 00:27:37,530 --> 00:27:39,658 Be cool. I go in there, I'm cool. 493 00:27:39,741 --> 00:27:42,202 I try to-- I handle my business, I do what I got to do. 494 00:27:42,285 --> 00:27:43,370 I turn around. 495 00:27:43,453 --> 00:27:44,954 I start to leave. 496 00:27:46,122 --> 00:27:47,916 Real cool. 497 00:27:47,999 --> 00:27:50,919 Oh, I'm getting close. I see the hallway light. 498 00:27:51,002 --> 00:27:52,504 The last three steps, 499 00:27:52,587 --> 00:27:53,963 I run. 500 00:27:54,047 --> 00:27:55,507 [audience laughs] 501 00:27:55,590 --> 00:27:59,678 Right up to the doorframe, and then I leap into the light. 502 00:28:00,178 --> 00:28:03,264 But when you're airborne, don't overextend that back leg. 503 00:28:03,348 --> 00:28:07,435 That's how you get grabbed, and dragged to your demise. 504 00:28:08,103 --> 00:28:11,856 You know better. You gotta run, leap, tuck. 505 00:28:11,940 --> 00:28:13,233 [audience cheering] 506 00:28:13,316 --> 00:28:15,819 And then you make a cowardly sound like, 507 00:28:15,902 --> 00:28:17,696 "Ā yā!" 508 00:28:17,779 --> 00:28:19,614 [audience laughing] 509 00:28:22,951 --> 00:28:24,661 If you don't know, "ā yā," 510 00:28:24,744 --> 00:28:28,081 that's Taiwanese for "yikes." 511 00:28:28,164 --> 00:28:30,166 [audience laughing] 512 00:28:36,172 --> 00:28:39,050 Sometimes I try to be brave when I take a shower. 513 00:28:39,134 --> 00:28:41,553 Like, I don't wait for the water to get warm. 514 00:28:41,636 --> 00:28:42,762 I don't even test it. 515 00:28:42,846 --> 00:28:46,933 I just walk right up in there like a warrior. 516 00:28:47,016 --> 00:28:49,144 [audience laughing] 517 00:28:49,227 --> 00:28:52,063 Ooh, it's hard. It's hard. 518 00:28:52,147 --> 00:28:55,567 If you wanna be real crazy, don't even turn on the water. 519 00:28:56,735 --> 00:28:58,403 Try this tonight. 520 00:28:58,486 --> 00:29:00,822 Go home, take your clothes off, get naked. 521 00:29:00,905 --> 00:29:05,118 Step inside a quiet, dry shower. 522 00:29:05,201 --> 00:29:06,703 [audience laughing] 523 00:29:06,786 --> 00:29:08,413 Feel that tension. 524 00:29:09,622 --> 00:29:12,083 It's different. It's not neutral. 525 00:29:13,877 --> 00:29:16,629 Look at all the nozzles on your showerhead. 526 00:29:17,297 --> 00:29:19,507 And then with your own hand, 527 00:29:19,591 --> 00:29:21,384 blast yourself. 528 00:29:21,468 --> 00:29:23,386 [audience laughing] 529 00:29:24,679 --> 00:29:26,055 Don't flinch. 530 00:29:27,098 --> 00:29:28,391 Don't block. 531 00:29:30,685 --> 00:29:31,519 Just be brave. 532 00:29:31,603 --> 00:29:33,980 When the ghosts see you do that… 533 00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:36,858 they get scared. 534 00:29:37,901 --> 00:29:40,487 The haunter becomes the haunted. 535 00:29:40,987 --> 00:29:42,781 [audience applauding] 536 00:29:43,615 --> 00:29:47,786 They're like, "This dude crazy. I can't stay here." 537 00:29:48,745 --> 00:29:50,079 And they leave. 538 00:29:50,789 --> 00:29:53,291 And when you feel that spirit start to dissipate, 539 00:29:53,374 --> 00:29:55,668 you go, "Boo." 540 00:29:55,752 --> 00:29:57,754 [audience laughing] 541 00:30:03,551 --> 00:30:07,305 Trying to celebrate the small wins in my life, man. 542 00:30:07,388 --> 00:30:08,848 I recently hit a new milestone. 543 00:30:08,932 --> 00:30:12,727 I just started buying my toothbrushes in bulk. 544 00:30:14,145 --> 00:30:15,438 That's new to me, man. 545 00:30:15,522 --> 00:30:19,025 Most of my life, I lived toothbrush to toothbrush. 546 00:30:19,567 --> 00:30:20,401 No backup. 547 00:30:20,485 --> 00:30:23,279 I'm out there just buying loosies. 548 00:30:23,363 --> 00:30:25,573 [audience laughing] 549 00:30:25,657 --> 00:30:27,033 I had one, 550 00:30:27,116 --> 00:30:31,955 and I would use that one until no two bristles were parallel. 551 00:30:33,206 --> 00:30:35,834 And then I would continue to use that one 552 00:30:35,917 --> 00:30:39,003 because I would convince myself it's probably more effective 553 00:30:39,087 --> 00:30:42,298 now that I made it all woolly like that. 554 00:30:43,424 --> 00:30:44,968 They're getting stronger. 555 00:30:45,844 --> 00:30:48,471 Soon I'll promote it to kitchen duty. 556 00:30:48,555 --> 00:30:50,014 [audience laughing] 557 00:30:52,684 --> 00:30:55,019 It's a sense of security. 558 00:30:55,103 --> 00:30:58,189 It feels good to know that when I go home tonight, 559 00:30:58,273 --> 00:31:00,608 if I want a fresh one, I got it. 560 00:31:01,359 --> 00:31:04,028 I got it. If you come over, I got you. No problem. 561 00:31:04,112 --> 00:31:06,197 You could bring up to four friends. 562 00:31:06,281 --> 00:31:08,199 [audience laughing] 563 00:31:08,908 --> 00:31:13,705 And the best part about the multipack, you get to pick a color. 564 00:31:14,414 --> 00:31:15,540 That's an opportunity. 565 00:31:15,623 --> 00:31:18,126 Take your time, be intentional, check in with yourself. 566 00:31:18,209 --> 00:31:21,796 What color brings the energy that you need right now? 567 00:31:22,797 --> 00:31:24,716 The blue one. Oh, that's soothing. 568 00:31:24,799 --> 00:31:27,010 That's an ocean of serenity. 569 00:31:27,802 --> 00:31:32,015 The red one. Oh, yeah, that's fun, but it's a little bit spicy. 570 00:31:33,182 --> 00:31:34,976 The purple one is powerful. 571 00:31:35,059 --> 00:31:40,857 I only pick the purple one when I want to change the narrative. 572 00:31:42,233 --> 00:31:44,360 Sometimes you not living your best life. 573 00:31:44,444 --> 00:31:47,238 You might've made a series of self-destructive decisions. 574 00:31:47,322 --> 00:31:52,076 Now you need to adjust your behavior according to your core values. 575 00:31:53,119 --> 00:31:55,413 Well, come on then, purple toothbrush. 576 00:31:56,414 --> 00:31:57,999 Let's ride. 577 00:31:58,791 --> 00:32:03,004 We got plaque and demons to vanquish. 578 00:32:03,087 --> 00:32:05,214 [audience laughing] 579 00:32:07,216 --> 00:32:09,260 I want to be a better person, obviously. 580 00:32:09,344 --> 00:32:12,472 You know, I'm trying. I have the desire to learn. 581 00:32:12,555 --> 00:32:16,267 I just don't always have the follow-through. 582 00:32:16,351 --> 00:32:20,313 That's why I got so many tabs open on my computer. 583 00:32:21,898 --> 00:32:26,861 There's so many resources on the Internet I feel like I could benefit from, yeah. 584 00:32:27,654 --> 00:32:31,074 Yeah, but like, not today. 585 00:32:32,408 --> 00:32:34,077 Later. 586 00:32:35,370 --> 00:32:37,497 Hey, but send me that link, though. 587 00:32:37,580 --> 00:32:39,832 [audience laughs] 588 00:32:41,459 --> 00:32:44,879 I want that link. I'll open up a tab. I got a system. 589 00:32:45,630 --> 00:32:49,425 The more tabs you collect, the smaller they get. 590 00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:51,886 It starts out like that. 591 00:32:51,970 --> 00:32:56,224 Then it becomes, "Uh-oh, no more information." 592 00:32:57,266 --> 00:33:00,770 You don't know what this represents, but there's a whole bunch of them. 593 00:33:02,146 --> 00:33:03,731 And there's shame there, right? 594 00:33:03,815 --> 00:33:06,442 'Cause if you have a work meeting, you got to share your screen. 595 00:33:06,526 --> 00:33:08,528 You don't share that screen. 596 00:33:09,237 --> 00:33:11,155 Uh-uh. You open up a new window. 597 00:33:11,239 --> 00:33:13,825 You act like, "Everything's okay, boss." 598 00:33:15,243 --> 00:33:18,162 "I'm good. I'm here for the shareholders." 599 00:33:18,246 --> 00:33:19,872 [audience laughing] 600 00:33:21,791 --> 00:33:24,168 Every few months, your browser wants to update. 601 00:33:24,252 --> 00:33:27,255 You're like, "Hold up. What about my collection?" 602 00:33:29,090 --> 00:33:31,175 Your browser's like, "Don't trip. We got you." 603 00:33:31,259 --> 00:33:35,138 "We're going to reopen all the tabs." 604 00:33:35,221 --> 00:33:36,305 "It's a lot, though." 605 00:33:36,389 --> 00:33:38,683 "You should be using bookmarks." 606 00:33:40,768 --> 00:33:44,313 Every few years, your computer will crash completely. 607 00:33:44,397 --> 00:33:47,692 All the tabs disappear forever. 608 00:33:47,775 --> 00:33:51,529 The sense of loss devastates you. 609 00:33:52,030 --> 00:33:54,782 But then you're like, "Finally, I'm free." 610 00:33:56,451 --> 00:33:59,704 "Thank you for doing what I could not do for myself." 611 00:33:59,787 --> 00:34:01,497 [audience laughing] 612 00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:08,171 Yeah, I just don't know about all this technology. 613 00:34:08,254 --> 00:34:10,590 I'm not sure it's really making our lives better. 614 00:34:10,673 --> 00:34:14,677 I know it's making some parts of life weird. 615 00:34:15,303 --> 00:34:17,847 You know? Like I recently lost my headphones. 616 00:34:17,930 --> 00:34:20,475 I left them somewhere outside of Atlantic City. 617 00:34:20,558 --> 00:34:22,268 I'm not going to get them back. 618 00:34:22,351 --> 00:34:24,979 But with the power of tech, 619 00:34:25,063 --> 00:34:26,981 I can still check in on them. 620 00:34:27,065 --> 00:34:28,900 [audience laughing] 621 00:34:28,983 --> 00:34:32,695 If I want to, I can see where they are right now. 622 00:34:33,738 --> 00:34:35,573 That's not healthy. 623 00:34:36,574 --> 00:34:39,452 I know where they live. I know where they work. 624 00:34:39,535 --> 00:34:42,872 I know they be getting charged on the regular. 625 00:34:43,790 --> 00:34:45,500 They moved on. 626 00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:47,794 They doing their thing. I'm messed up. 627 00:34:47,877 --> 00:34:50,630 There's an option to forget this device, but… 628 00:34:51,172 --> 00:34:53,299 I don't want to forget! 629 00:34:54,759 --> 00:34:58,387 I don't want to let go. I already lost you once, girl. 630 00:34:59,555 --> 00:35:02,683 I can't believe you just going to pair up with anybody. 631 00:35:02,767 --> 00:35:04,519 [audience laughing] 632 00:35:08,314 --> 00:35:12,443 I try not to get caught up with things, with consumerism, material stuff. 633 00:35:12,527 --> 00:35:15,113 But I also try to take care of what I do have. 634 00:35:15,196 --> 00:35:16,697 Like I bought these glasses. 635 00:35:16,781 --> 00:35:20,118 So, you know, I put on contacts if I have to do something physical, 636 00:35:20,201 --> 00:35:23,996 like when I go to play basketball, or if I go to a strip club. 637 00:35:24,080 --> 00:35:26,374 [audience laughs] 638 00:35:26,958 --> 00:35:29,627 You know? 'Cause if you wear glasses to a strip club, 639 00:35:29,710 --> 00:35:32,839 and if you sit near the stage, there's a pretty good chance 640 00:35:32,922 --> 00:35:35,842 the dancer's going to take your glasses off your face. 641 00:35:35,925 --> 00:35:38,344 It's happened to me more than twice. 642 00:35:38,427 --> 00:35:39,971 [audience laughing] 643 00:35:41,055 --> 00:35:44,475 And if you want to play the sexy librarian, go for it. 644 00:35:44,559 --> 00:35:45,852 I will support you, 645 00:35:45,935 --> 00:35:49,021 but bring your own props. 646 00:35:50,398 --> 00:35:51,649 This is not a toy. 647 00:35:51,732 --> 00:35:54,735 This is a medical device. 648 00:35:55,319 --> 00:35:58,072 Normally, I only let the opticians handle them. 649 00:35:58,156 --> 00:36:02,243 But since you're not wearing clothes, I'm going to let it slide tonight. 650 00:36:05,496 --> 00:36:09,292 They take your glasses, they put them on, they wear it low on the nose, 651 00:36:09,375 --> 00:36:11,711 and they shoot you these sultry looks. 652 00:36:12,712 --> 00:36:14,297 It's supposed to be a sexy moment, 653 00:36:14,380 --> 00:36:17,133 but it's not, 'cause I'm squinting back at her. 654 00:36:17,216 --> 00:36:19,218 [audience laughing] 655 00:36:23,639 --> 00:36:25,933 "I think she got four nipples." 656 00:36:31,063 --> 00:36:33,691 And then she changes tactics. She takes the glasses off, 657 00:36:33,774 --> 00:36:38,196 and she gives the glasses a close-up tour of her body. 658 00:36:38,279 --> 00:36:42,700 I'm like, "Wow, that looks like a lot of fun for the glasses." 659 00:36:42,783 --> 00:36:44,327 [audience laughing] 660 00:36:44,410 --> 00:36:47,205 But I can't see what the glasses see. 661 00:36:47,705 --> 00:36:51,792 It's not Bluetooth-connected to my occipital lobe. 662 00:36:57,089 --> 00:36:59,008 Finally, I get them back. I get my glasses back. 663 00:36:59,091 --> 00:37:02,136 And of course, my lenses are all smudged up. 664 00:37:02,637 --> 00:37:05,306 I got booby prints on my lenses. 665 00:37:05,890 --> 00:37:10,603 It's a personal touch, but I don't get turned on from forensics. 666 00:37:11,604 --> 00:37:13,314 I didn't bring my lens cloth. 667 00:37:13,397 --> 00:37:17,485 Now I got to watch the whole show in low-res. 668 00:37:17,568 --> 00:37:18,945 [audience laughing] 669 00:37:24,283 --> 00:37:26,494 I had to take a break from touring. 670 00:37:26,577 --> 00:37:30,665 I had to go back home to LA to do a little jury duty. 671 00:37:31,165 --> 00:37:33,334 Yeah, I wasn't trying to get selected. 672 00:37:33,417 --> 00:37:37,338 But I got drafted in the first round. Number one pick, baby. 673 00:37:38,172 --> 00:37:41,008 I was all proud of myself, and then I was worried. 674 00:37:41,092 --> 00:37:45,221 I was like, "If I'm the first pick, this team's not gonna make the playoff." 675 00:37:45,304 --> 00:37:47,014 [audience laughs] 676 00:37:47,098 --> 00:37:49,934 We did the whole selection process. It was a done deal. 677 00:37:50,017 --> 00:37:53,062 Last minute, juror three raises his hand. He's trying to get out. 678 00:37:53,145 --> 00:37:55,648 He said, "Your Honor, I've been applying for jobs." 679 00:37:55,731 --> 00:37:58,067 "I might have an interview next week." 680 00:37:58,150 --> 00:38:00,278 The judge, she took one look at him, 681 00:38:00,361 --> 00:38:04,115 and then she decided he was going to remain on the jury. 682 00:38:04,699 --> 00:38:06,701 'Cause a judge gonna judge. 683 00:38:07,326 --> 00:38:08,703 And based on what she saw, 684 00:38:08,786 --> 00:38:11,163 she was like, "You not going to get no job." 685 00:38:11,247 --> 00:38:12,623 [audience laughing] 686 00:38:12,707 --> 00:38:15,334 She deemed him unemployable. 687 00:38:15,835 --> 00:38:18,629 And then she made him my coworker. 688 00:38:20,423 --> 00:38:22,591 So it made me question the system, you know? 689 00:38:22,675 --> 00:38:25,177 'Cause on paper, jury duty is a noble idea, 690 00:38:25,261 --> 00:38:28,514 but in reality, it feels so casual, right? 691 00:38:28,597 --> 00:38:32,727 The government's just like, "Well… are you free?" 692 00:38:32,810 --> 00:38:34,937 [audience laughing] 693 00:38:35,021 --> 00:38:37,273 "Come downtown. We have a situation 694 00:38:37,356 --> 00:38:40,985 in a field in which you have no background experience, 695 00:38:41,610 --> 00:38:44,030 you have no insight or interest, 696 00:38:44,113 --> 00:38:46,490 but we're going to have two very biased parties 697 00:38:46,574 --> 00:38:51,454 present completely opposite arguments to prove that they are right." 698 00:38:51,537 --> 00:38:54,540 "And then you tell us the truth, for real." 699 00:38:54,623 --> 00:38:56,751 [audience laughing] 700 00:38:56,834 --> 00:38:58,210 "You got this." 701 00:38:58,961 --> 00:39:00,921 [audience applauding] 702 00:39:03,090 --> 00:39:04,550 It's a… 703 00:39:05,801 --> 00:39:07,970 It's a lot of pressure, you know? 704 00:39:08,054 --> 00:39:09,513 Court is kind of sacred, 705 00:39:09,597 --> 00:39:12,808 potentially where you can right the wrongs of the past. 706 00:39:12,892 --> 00:39:16,145 And people are dressed for that. The judge is wearing a robe. 707 00:39:16,228 --> 00:39:18,189 The lawyers are wearing tailored suits. 708 00:39:18,272 --> 00:39:19,899 It's a pretty formal affair, 709 00:39:19,982 --> 00:39:21,901 except for the jury. 710 00:39:21,984 --> 00:39:23,110 [audience laughing] 711 00:39:23,194 --> 00:39:27,865 The jury, we look like we have nothing invested in the outcome. 712 00:39:28,824 --> 00:39:31,285 We're dressed like we've been inconvenienced 713 00:39:31,369 --> 00:39:35,581 and we would like the court to know this was not an ideal time. 714 00:39:35,664 --> 00:39:37,541 [audience laughing] 715 00:39:41,045 --> 00:39:43,631 We did not do a good job. 716 00:39:44,548 --> 00:39:46,634 It was three weeks of trial, 717 00:39:46,717 --> 00:39:49,553 and yet nobody took notes. 718 00:39:50,679 --> 00:39:54,016 No notes. Everybody's like, "I'll probably remember that." 719 00:39:54,100 --> 00:39:56,102 [audience laughs] 720 00:39:56,727 --> 00:39:59,688 By the time it came to deliberation, we had nothing. 721 00:39:59,772 --> 00:40:01,941 We just going off energy. 722 00:40:03,275 --> 00:40:05,861 We're like, "I don't know, uh…" 723 00:40:05,945 --> 00:40:07,655 [inhales sharply] 724 00:40:07,738 --> 00:40:09,281 "Guilty?" 725 00:40:09,365 --> 00:40:11,242 [audience laughing] 726 00:40:11,951 --> 00:40:13,702 It sounds terrible, but relax. 727 00:40:13,786 --> 00:40:15,413 No one's life was on the line. 728 00:40:15,496 --> 00:40:16,872 It was a civil case. 729 00:40:16,956 --> 00:40:20,459 It was a US corporation suing a Canadian corporation. 730 00:40:20,543 --> 00:40:22,628 So we just went with home team. 731 00:40:22,711 --> 00:40:24,004 [audience laughing] 732 00:40:24,588 --> 00:40:27,216 Just give the fans what they want. Let's go. 733 00:40:28,884 --> 00:40:30,636 It was a very short discussion. 734 00:40:30,719 --> 00:40:32,763 We got together at 9:00 a.m. 735 00:40:32,847 --> 00:40:35,015 By 9:10, we were done. 736 00:40:36,434 --> 00:40:39,979 The thing is, during the trial, you on your own for lunch, 737 00:40:40,062 --> 00:40:42,565 but we found out during deliberation, 738 00:40:43,149 --> 00:40:46,527 if you work till noon, lunch is on the court. 739 00:40:47,069 --> 00:40:49,738 So as a jury, we all agreed unanimously. 740 00:40:49,822 --> 00:40:51,365 We're like, "Hey, 741 00:40:51,449 --> 00:40:53,534 don't turn in the answer yet." 742 00:40:53,617 --> 00:40:54,660 [audience laughing] 743 00:40:54,743 --> 00:40:59,457 "Chill, chill. We'll deliver justice when they deliver turkey sandwiches." 744 00:41:00,458 --> 00:41:02,501 Quid pro sando. 745 00:41:03,919 --> 00:41:08,132 We withheld the verdict for three extra hours 746 00:41:08,215 --> 00:41:10,426 for some free food. 747 00:41:10,509 --> 00:41:14,972 And the sandwiches were mediocre. 748 00:41:15,681 --> 00:41:17,558 Ew. Not worth the wait. 749 00:41:17,641 --> 00:41:20,478 Not even worth the calories. 750 00:41:20,561 --> 00:41:26,734 As a jury, we demonstrated poor judgment till the very end. 751 00:41:27,234 --> 00:41:28,861 We got what we deserved. 752 00:41:28,944 --> 00:41:30,946 The system works, y'all. 753 00:41:31,030 --> 00:41:32,740 [audience laughing] 754 00:41:38,913 --> 00:41:43,292 As I get older, I-- I find myself pivoting to nature, man. 755 00:41:43,375 --> 00:41:46,754 That's kind of where I go to get my peace and my joy these days. 756 00:41:46,837 --> 00:41:50,883 Even the partying that I'm doing, it's getting very outdoorsy. 757 00:41:50,966 --> 00:41:53,677 You know, I went to two bachelor parties like this. 758 00:41:53,761 --> 00:41:57,848 The first party was for my friend Louis. We went to Costa Rica. 759 00:41:58,474 --> 00:41:59,934 It's very tropical. 760 00:42:00,017 --> 00:42:01,894 Lot of water activities. 761 00:42:01,977 --> 00:42:04,313 We were wet often. 762 00:42:05,231 --> 00:42:09,485 Fifteen dudes in their forties 763 00:42:09,568 --> 00:42:12,988 wearing ill-fitting board shorts. 764 00:42:14,823 --> 00:42:17,910 I saw all my homies' butt cracks. 765 00:42:17,993 --> 00:42:19,370 [audience laughing] 766 00:42:20,037 --> 00:42:22,289 That's not my choice. 767 00:42:23,332 --> 00:42:27,795 You know, when you suspect there's butt crack in your periphery, 768 00:42:28,629 --> 00:42:33,300 it's almost impossible to just move forward with your life. 769 00:42:33,968 --> 00:42:36,762 You're compelled to confirm. You're like, "Hold up one second." 770 00:42:36,845 --> 00:42:38,556 [audience laughing] 771 00:42:41,350 --> 00:42:43,352 "I didn't want to do that." 772 00:42:45,688 --> 00:42:48,023 'Cause butt crack is magnetic. 773 00:42:49,483 --> 00:42:52,736 Butt crack acts like a pseudo-cleavage. 774 00:42:54,071 --> 00:42:59,034 It calls for attention through the power of mimicry. 775 00:43:00,411 --> 00:43:03,831 Your eyes are naturally drawn to that burgeoning shadow. 776 00:43:03,914 --> 00:43:07,418 "What's this mystery that my mind would like to solve?" 777 00:43:09,336 --> 00:43:11,630 That's not your choice. That's instincts. 778 00:43:11,714 --> 00:43:13,841 That's dopamine or something. 779 00:43:14,592 --> 00:43:16,260 It's very powerful. 780 00:43:16,343 --> 00:43:21,390 It's the same principle they use when they design a botanical garden. 781 00:43:21,890 --> 00:43:25,311 They always make the path windy 782 00:43:25,394 --> 00:43:26,854 to keep you curious. 783 00:43:26,937 --> 00:43:29,940 "But what's beyond that curve?" 784 00:43:31,150 --> 00:43:33,193 "Oh, I kind of want to know." 785 00:43:33,944 --> 00:43:35,863 Sometimes you follow the bend, 786 00:43:35,946 --> 00:43:39,992 and it leads you down to a beautiful patch of begonias. 787 00:43:40,075 --> 00:43:42,786 Other times, it's your boy's booty. 788 00:43:42,870 --> 00:43:44,413 [audience laughing] 789 00:43:44,496 --> 00:43:47,708 "Oh! I'm not supposed to be in that garden." 790 00:43:48,542 --> 00:43:51,295 "That's a staff-only area." 791 00:43:57,926 --> 00:44:02,306 The other bachelor party I went to was actually a backpacking trip. 792 00:44:02,389 --> 00:44:05,059 Uh, not like hostels, but into the wild. 793 00:44:05,142 --> 00:44:07,728 Anybody ever done some backpacking like that? 794 00:44:07,811 --> 00:44:09,188 [audience whoops] 795 00:44:09,271 --> 00:44:12,858 A small handful. Yeah, that-- that's the right amount. 796 00:44:13,692 --> 00:44:15,653 That is the correct amount 797 00:44:15,736 --> 00:44:18,322 'cause we don't have to live like that anymore. 798 00:44:18,405 --> 00:44:19,990 [audience laughing] 799 00:44:20,074 --> 00:44:21,033 [chuckles] 800 00:44:21,116 --> 00:44:23,327 It's a crazy choice. 801 00:44:24,870 --> 00:44:26,038 You know, it's intense. 802 00:44:26,121 --> 00:44:29,291 It's not the same as camping. I've done a lot of camping, that's chill. 803 00:44:29,375 --> 00:44:32,795 Camping, you just drive to the campsite. 804 00:44:33,545 --> 00:44:34,713 You camp. 805 00:44:35,422 --> 00:44:40,302 Backpacking, you drive to what is not the campsite. 806 00:44:41,095 --> 00:44:43,555 You pull over on a highway, you unload everything, 807 00:44:43,639 --> 00:44:46,141 you put it on your back, you say, "Thank you, car." 808 00:44:46,225 --> 00:44:47,976 "I'mma take it from here." 809 00:44:48,060 --> 00:44:49,687 [audience laughing] 810 00:44:49,770 --> 00:44:54,024 "For the next 26 miles, I'mma pretend I'm a car." 811 00:44:55,776 --> 00:44:58,487 "I'm off-road. I'm a Subaru." 812 00:44:58,570 --> 00:45:00,781 [audience laughing] 813 00:45:04,993 --> 00:45:08,622 I've never even worn one of those packs, you know? 814 00:45:08,706 --> 00:45:11,792 I've never owned one. I'd never worn one. They're so big. 815 00:45:11,875 --> 00:45:13,794 Even as a kid, I never liked how they look. 816 00:45:13,877 --> 00:45:18,465 I always felt like the ratio was off. It's too much bag to human. 817 00:45:19,258 --> 00:45:21,260 Like, I'm a basic JanSport kind of kid. 818 00:45:21,343 --> 00:45:25,139 You know, like for me, a backpack should go from here to here. 819 00:45:25,806 --> 00:45:30,227 I don't like how those packs get so big they start to come up 820 00:45:30,310 --> 00:45:31,895 over your head. 821 00:45:32,730 --> 00:45:34,648 I'm like, "Hey!" 822 00:45:35,899 --> 00:45:38,652 "Hey, what you doing? You a backpack, right?" 823 00:45:39,361 --> 00:45:41,864 "Well, get back." 824 00:45:41,947 --> 00:45:43,949 [audience laughing] 825 00:45:47,035 --> 00:45:50,497 My friend planned this trip for a bachelor party. 826 00:45:50,581 --> 00:45:54,001 That's not traditional. And I knew he was a spiritual guy. 827 00:45:54,084 --> 00:45:56,170 So when he told me he wanted to do something different, 828 00:45:56,253 --> 00:45:59,590 I was like, "Okay, cool. So no heavy drinking, no strippers." 829 00:45:59,673 --> 00:46:03,010 He's like, "Yeah, but also no shelter, no electricity." 830 00:46:03,093 --> 00:46:04,636 [audience laughing] 831 00:46:06,013 --> 00:46:07,765 That's like saying, "Hey, let's party!" 832 00:46:07,848 --> 00:46:11,143 "But let's also abstain from fun and comfort." 833 00:46:11,226 --> 00:46:13,228 [audience laughs] 834 00:46:14,396 --> 00:46:16,648 Nobody else came. 835 00:46:17,566 --> 00:46:20,736 The bachelor party was me and him. 836 00:46:22,362 --> 00:46:25,157 Two dudes alone in the wild for four days, 837 00:46:25,240 --> 00:46:28,786 giving each other nightly full-body tick checks. 838 00:46:30,454 --> 00:46:31,580 Uh-oh. 839 00:46:31,663 --> 00:46:33,999 It got romantic by accident. 840 00:46:34,082 --> 00:46:36,210 [audience laughing] 841 00:46:36,293 --> 00:46:37,878 But the question is, 842 00:46:37,961 --> 00:46:42,216 would more boys make the party less gay? 843 00:46:45,052 --> 00:46:48,680 I don't know. I don't think we have the math to solve that equation. 844 00:46:49,473 --> 00:46:51,475 [audience laughing] 845 00:46:56,188 --> 00:47:00,567 We did this trail, uh, off the coast of Northern California, 846 00:47:00,651 --> 00:47:02,611 and it was beautiful. 847 00:47:02,694 --> 00:47:04,738 You know, multiple times on the journey, 848 00:47:04,822 --> 00:47:08,617 I found myself on a bluff overlooking the ocean, 849 00:47:08,700 --> 00:47:10,285 overwhelmed by the beauty. 850 00:47:10,369 --> 00:47:14,790 And I would say to my friend, "Thank you for planning everything." 851 00:47:14,873 --> 00:47:17,084 "This feels like a once-in-a-lifetime thing, 852 00:47:17,167 --> 00:47:19,586 'cause I'll probably never do it again." 853 00:47:19,670 --> 00:47:20,838 [audience laughs] 854 00:47:21,421 --> 00:47:25,425 He'd be like, "Grateful you could be here, otherwise I'd be by myself." 855 00:47:26,051 --> 00:47:28,220 And the two of us would just stand there quietly, 856 00:47:28,303 --> 00:47:31,932 trying to take in all the majesty. 857 00:47:32,558 --> 00:47:36,061 And then I would think to myself, "I could kill this guy right now." 858 00:47:36,144 --> 00:47:37,980 [audience laughing] 859 00:47:39,147 --> 00:47:40,607 "I don't want to." 860 00:47:41,233 --> 00:47:45,612 "But if I did, this is the best time." 861 00:47:47,614 --> 00:47:51,577 I don't want to hurt anybody, but I love opportunity. 862 00:47:55,998 --> 00:47:58,709 Something about being in nature, it makes you feel so calm, 863 00:47:58,792 --> 00:48:00,711 so connected with the universe. 864 00:48:00,794 --> 00:48:04,089 It makes you ponder these profound questions, like… [gasps] 865 00:48:04,172 --> 00:48:06,174 "Am I a murderer?" 866 00:48:06,258 --> 00:48:08,260 [audience laughing] 867 00:48:13,098 --> 00:48:15,559 Four days in the wild was enough 868 00:48:15,642 --> 00:48:19,688 to really shift my perspective, really change my outlook. 869 00:48:19,771 --> 00:48:21,982 When I came back to regular life, 870 00:48:22,065 --> 00:48:26,069 I could not believe how good we have it. 871 00:48:26,153 --> 00:48:28,155 The basics. 872 00:48:28,238 --> 00:48:29,948 A trash can. 873 00:48:30,824 --> 00:48:32,951 Go four days, no trash can, 874 00:48:33,035 --> 00:48:35,913 then you realize that's a magical receptacle. 875 00:48:36,705 --> 00:48:39,708 You put whatever you want in there, whatever you want. 876 00:48:39,791 --> 00:48:42,711 That's no longer your responsibility. 877 00:48:43,378 --> 00:48:46,173 [chuckles] Nah, that's society's problem. 878 00:48:46,757 --> 00:48:48,508 You ain't got to worry about that. 879 00:48:48,592 --> 00:48:50,719 Your granddaughter will figure it out. 880 00:48:50,802 --> 00:48:51,887 [audience laughs] 881 00:48:54,681 --> 00:48:55,933 I felt like a toddler. 882 00:48:56,016 --> 00:48:59,061 I could not wait to go poo-poo in the toilet. 883 00:49:00,687 --> 00:49:03,565 What a treat, the toilet. 884 00:49:03,649 --> 00:49:07,444 We were out there for four days just digging holes. 885 00:49:08,528 --> 00:49:10,113 Real quick pro tip. 886 00:49:10,197 --> 00:49:12,282 If you ever go backpacking, 887 00:49:12,866 --> 00:49:16,078 dig your hole the night before. 888 00:49:16,161 --> 00:49:18,163 [audience laughing] 889 00:49:18,747 --> 00:49:20,290 Have a little foresight. 890 00:49:21,083 --> 00:49:22,167 Do it after dinner, 891 00:49:22,250 --> 00:49:25,128 after y'all already put one in the chamber. 892 00:49:25,212 --> 00:49:27,214 [audience laughs] 893 00:49:27,798 --> 00:49:31,802 You don't want to dig a hole in the moment. 894 00:49:31,885 --> 00:49:33,428 [audience laughs] 895 00:49:33,512 --> 00:49:38,183 [chuckling] You don't want to dig a hole under duress. 896 00:49:38,266 --> 00:49:39,851 [audience laughing] 897 00:49:40,978 --> 00:49:43,021 It ain't going to be nice. 898 00:49:43,647 --> 00:49:46,817 I woke up on day two, bit of an emergency. 899 00:49:47,317 --> 00:49:48,819 I had to go. I grabbed a shovel. 900 00:49:48,902 --> 00:49:50,821 I ran out there. I couldn't think straight. 901 00:49:50,904 --> 00:49:52,030 I made some wrong turns. 902 00:49:52,114 --> 00:49:55,951 I ended up on a big patch of hard-baked earth. 903 00:49:57,285 --> 00:49:59,621 I couldn't break ground. 904 00:49:59,705 --> 00:50:00,872 [audience laughing] 905 00:50:00,956 --> 00:50:02,082 I was getting desperate. 906 00:50:02,165 --> 00:50:06,712 I was like, "I might have to take care of business and then bury the body later." 907 00:50:07,713 --> 00:50:08,755 Kind of makes sense. 908 00:50:08,839 --> 00:50:12,259 Now you know how big that body is. 909 00:50:13,468 --> 00:50:15,887 When you digging ahead of time, you got to guesstimate. 910 00:50:15,971 --> 00:50:20,017 You got to ask yourself, "Are your eyes bigger than your butt?" 911 00:50:20,100 --> 00:50:21,852 [audience laughing] 912 00:50:26,106 --> 00:50:28,358 My first hole, 913 00:50:28,442 --> 00:50:30,360 not enough hole. 914 00:50:32,654 --> 00:50:34,448 I tried to bury it at the end. 915 00:50:34,531 --> 00:50:36,366 It became a little hill. 916 00:50:38,452 --> 00:50:39,828 They say "leave no trace." 917 00:50:39,911 --> 00:50:42,164 I altered the topography. 918 00:50:43,582 --> 00:50:46,334 Now they got to update that squiggly map. 919 00:50:46,418 --> 00:50:48,420 [audience laughing] 920 00:50:54,176 --> 00:50:57,846 It was a very memorable trip. We saw a lot of beautiful wildlife. 921 00:50:57,929 --> 00:51:02,893 One of the most spectacular things we witnessed was a full-grown black bear. 922 00:51:03,602 --> 00:51:04,895 When we came up on it, 923 00:51:04,978 --> 00:51:08,356 it was bounding straight up a real steep incline. 924 00:51:08,440 --> 00:51:11,943 And when I saw that power combined with that speed, 925 00:51:12,527 --> 00:51:14,029 it crushed me. 926 00:51:14,529 --> 00:51:15,739 'Cause I had a plan. 927 00:51:15,822 --> 00:51:18,825 I told myself, if I had to outrun a bear, 928 00:51:18,909 --> 00:51:21,745 I'mma fake left, then I'mma go right. 929 00:51:23,288 --> 00:51:27,501 Then I saw the bear go uphill hella fast. I said, "That's not realistic, though." 930 00:51:27,584 --> 00:51:28,835 [audience laughing] 931 00:51:29,419 --> 00:51:32,422 I'mma fake left and then I'mma be dead for real. 932 00:51:32,506 --> 00:51:34,508 [audience laughing] 933 00:51:34,591 --> 00:51:36,635 If I got attacked by a bear, 934 00:51:36,718 --> 00:51:39,554 I'mma have to just be present. 935 00:51:40,263 --> 00:51:44,101 Right? You got to learn to accept the things you cannot change. 936 00:51:44,184 --> 00:51:46,061 Breathe in, breathe out. 937 00:51:46,144 --> 00:51:50,148 "What's happening right now? Man, I'm delicious." 938 00:51:51,149 --> 00:51:55,112 "I'm getting mauled up. I'm too yummy to be in the forest." 939 00:51:56,321 --> 00:51:58,490 "Oh, I see you struggling with the thigh meat." 940 00:51:58,573 --> 00:52:01,827 "Yeah, my quads are tight from the hike, bear." 941 00:52:02,702 --> 00:52:05,539 "Sorry. You should have caught me last week at the crib." 942 00:52:05,622 --> 00:52:07,541 "I was tender then." 943 00:52:07,624 --> 00:52:09,626 [audience laughing] 944 00:52:12,003 --> 00:52:14,923 On day one, we hiked eight miles. 945 00:52:16,007 --> 00:52:18,218 We're pretty deep into bear country. 946 00:52:18,301 --> 00:52:19,970 There's no more cell reception. 947 00:52:20,053 --> 00:52:23,306 By nightfall, it's so dark you can't see your own hand. 948 00:52:23,390 --> 00:52:26,268 And I remember we crawled into the tent 949 00:52:27,185 --> 00:52:30,981 and I zipped it up. I said, "Zip." 950 00:52:34,234 --> 00:52:36,570 "I guess that means we're safe now." 951 00:52:36,653 --> 00:52:38,530 [audience laughing] 952 00:52:40,490 --> 00:52:44,119 "Is it okay if we both just go unconscious for eight hours?" 953 00:52:47,372 --> 00:52:49,082 "'Cause we're inside." 954 00:52:50,417 --> 00:52:54,713 "This is inside now. I went like that all the way to the top." 955 00:52:55,297 --> 00:52:58,758 "Basically transformed the windbreaker into a force field." 956 00:53:00,802 --> 00:53:04,055 "If we can't see them, how are they gonna know we in here?" 957 00:53:06,099 --> 00:53:08,310 "All right now, bears, go to bed." 958 00:53:08,393 --> 00:53:11,396 "You heard the zipper. It's bedtime, good night." 959 00:53:15,192 --> 00:53:16,610 I felt more in danger 960 00:53:16,693 --> 00:53:19,946 'cause my sleeping bag was right by the door. 961 00:53:20,447 --> 00:53:21,448 But then I was like, 962 00:53:21,531 --> 00:53:25,327 "The bear's probably not gonna use the proper entryway." 963 00:53:26,995 --> 00:53:29,956 "It's gonna bust in here like the Kool-Aid Man." 964 00:53:31,791 --> 00:53:36,171 It would be more unnerving if the bear did use the zipper. 965 00:53:36,254 --> 00:53:38,256 [audience laughing] 966 00:53:41,801 --> 00:53:43,803 [cheering and applause] 967 00:53:50,769 --> 00:53:51,853 That part's so scary. 968 00:53:51,937 --> 00:53:54,898 Every time I do that, I give myself goose bumps. 969 00:53:57,275 --> 00:53:58,443 We, uh… 970 00:53:58,526 --> 00:54:00,111 [cheering and applause] 971 00:54:01,780 --> 00:54:04,449 Thank you. We have a-- We have a little bit of show left, 972 00:54:04,532 --> 00:54:07,911 but I wanna take a quick moment to say thank you for being here. 973 00:54:07,994 --> 00:54:09,788 Thank you for coming out. 974 00:54:09,871 --> 00:54:11,706 [audience cheering] 975 00:54:16,127 --> 00:54:17,170 Um… 976 00:54:19,714 --> 00:54:20,882 I, uh… 977 00:54:22,092 --> 00:54:25,095 Yeah, man. Thank you guys for being here. I take none of this for granted. 978 00:54:25,178 --> 00:54:27,681 Like, I've been doing stand-up comedy for 23 years, 979 00:54:27,764 --> 00:54:31,476 and this is my first major tour, and we doing sold-out theaters. 980 00:54:31,559 --> 00:54:33,770 [audience cheering] 981 00:54:33,853 --> 00:54:35,480 That's crazy. 982 00:54:37,524 --> 00:54:39,025 It's a real dream, you know? 983 00:54:39,109 --> 00:54:42,070 But to be honest, you know, my goal from the very beginning, 984 00:54:42,153 --> 00:54:43,780 I just wanted to work on the craft. 985 00:54:43,863 --> 00:54:47,909 I wanted to get better and get better and maybe eventually find my people. 986 00:54:47,993 --> 00:54:50,328 But I never really considered what that meant. 987 00:54:50,412 --> 00:54:51,496 'Cause I realize now, 988 00:54:51,579 --> 00:54:54,708 every comedian brings a different demographic of fans 989 00:54:54,791 --> 00:54:55,959 to these shows. 990 00:54:56,042 --> 00:54:59,671 And I'm learning about who y'all are, 'cause whenever I get a chance 991 00:54:59,754 --> 00:55:02,799 to talk to people who work at these shows, like the ushers, 992 00:55:02,882 --> 00:55:05,552 they always tell me they like my audience, 993 00:55:05,635 --> 00:55:09,806 'cause y'all generally like to have a good time, but you don't overdo it. 994 00:55:10,890 --> 00:55:13,560 Very few people get kicked out of my shows. 995 00:55:13,643 --> 00:55:16,229 Even in Philadelphia, it was quite peaceful. 996 00:55:16,313 --> 00:55:18,440 [audience laughing and applauding] 997 00:55:18,523 --> 00:55:19,816 It was chill. 998 00:55:22,027 --> 00:55:23,320 'Cause you guys are kind. 999 00:55:23,403 --> 00:55:25,822 You respect yourselves, you respect others. 1000 00:55:25,905 --> 00:55:28,366 And you just want to go to bed early. 1001 00:55:30,118 --> 00:55:31,202 I see you. 1002 00:55:31,286 --> 00:55:33,747 I mean, in a way, I'm proud of you. 1003 00:55:35,123 --> 00:55:40,128 I know you got a wind-down routine that you cannot wait to initiate. 1004 00:55:41,087 --> 00:55:44,174 There's so much to do. You gotta brew a chamomile tea. 1005 00:55:44,257 --> 00:55:47,594 You gotta take a hot shower. You gotta do your skincare routine. 1006 00:55:47,677 --> 00:55:50,513 You got your lymphatic drainage massage. 1007 00:55:50,597 --> 00:55:52,640 You gotta meditate, you gotta read that book 1008 00:55:52,724 --> 00:55:54,642 you've been trying to finish for 13 months. 1009 00:55:54,726 --> 00:55:55,894 It's a lot. 1010 00:55:58,480 --> 00:56:01,191 So I'm grateful that y'all are the fans 1011 00:56:01,274 --> 00:56:03,651 'cause it's always such a kind, loving, wholesome vibe. 1012 00:56:03,735 --> 00:56:06,988 I-- I want to reciprocate your support and your goodwill 1013 00:56:07,072 --> 00:56:09,783 with a little bit of transparency. 1014 00:56:09,866 --> 00:56:14,788 Uh, I believe I owe this to you. I just want to come clean. Um… 1015 00:56:14,871 --> 00:56:16,456 I got a fake tooth. 1016 00:56:16,539 --> 00:56:18,541 [audience laughing] 1017 00:56:19,084 --> 00:56:21,002 It's here in the middle, in the front. 1018 00:56:21,086 --> 00:56:25,090 So you have been deceived for 56 minutes now. 1019 00:56:27,258 --> 00:56:28,093 This is a crown. 1020 00:56:28,176 --> 00:56:30,261 Everything else is real except for this crown. 1021 00:56:30,345 --> 00:56:32,514 If you're a dentist, it's number eight. 1022 00:56:32,597 --> 00:56:34,808 [laughter and applause] 1023 00:56:34,891 --> 00:56:38,353 I broke that tooth a number of years ago. It was a different time in my life. 1024 00:56:38,436 --> 00:56:41,272 I was living in New York, not making the best choices. 1025 00:56:41,356 --> 00:56:44,776 Obviously before I activated my purple toothbrush. 1026 00:56:44,859 --> 00:56:46,861 [audience laughing] 1027 00:56:48,113 --> 00:56:51,032 It's traumatic. Your first set of teeth, that's for fun. 1028 00:56:51,116 --> 00:56:53,660 Your second set, that's for real. 1029 00:56:54,494 --> 00:56:56,454 It's not coming back. 1030 00:56:56,538 --> 00:56:59,040 I was so ashamed. I was so desperate. 1031 00:56:59,124 --> 00:57:00,458 I went to my dentist, I said, 1032 00:57:00,542 --> 00:57:04,629 "Please, I need you to control-Z what I did to myself." 1033 00:57:05,755 --> 00:57:06,923 She was very reassuring. 1034 00:57:07,006 --> 00:57:09,801 She said, "No problem. We're gonna put a crown on that." 1035 00:57:09,884 --> 00:57:13,346 I didn't know what that meant. I said, "Do what you got to do. Let's go." 1036 00:57:13,430 --> 00:57:16,266 When they put a crown on a broken tooth, 1037 00:57:16,349 --> 00:57:20,395 they first whittle down what's left of the tooth 1038 00:57:20,478 --> 00:57:24,023 into a tiny bloody stump. 1039 00:57:25,775 --> 00:57:30,572 Most dentists don't want you to see, think, or know about that thing. 1040 00:57:31,156 --> 00:57:34,325 My dentist decided she wanted to show me her work. 1041 00:57:34,409 --> 00:57:36,244 [audience laughing] 1042 00:57:36,327 --> 00:57:41,166 At one point during the process, she swung a mirror down to my face. 1043 00:57:41,666 --> 00:57:44,502 I didn't know what was going on. I thought we were done. 1044 00:57:44,586 --> 00:57:45,753 [audience laughing] 1045 00:57:46,337 --> 00:57:49,799 I thought it was like when the barber shows you the back of your head. 1046 00:57:50,842 --> 00:57:52,844 I'm about to get your tip ready. 1047 00:57:56,848 --> 00:57:59,142 I took a quick glance. 1048 00:58:00,393 --> 00:58:02,061 Horror. 1049 00:58:02,145 --> 00:58:03,521 [audience laughing] 1050 00:58:04,522 --> 00:58:08,693 I did not react 'cause I didn't want to give it power. 1051 00:58:10,153 --> 00:58:12,363 I went dead in the face. 1052 00:58:13,198 --> 00:58:16,201 I looked away. I said, "Don't ever do that again." 1053 00:58:17,869 --> 00:58:21,206 I said, "I don't know why I got to tell you this right now, 1054 00:58:21,289 --> 00:58:25,168 but I came here for more tooth." 1055 00:58:26,294 --> 00:58:30,131 "I wanted increase tooth." 1056 00:58:30,215 --> 00:58:33,092 "You've been going the wrong way the whole time!" 1057 00:58:33,176 --> 00:58:35,178 [audience laughing] 1058 00:58:37,889 --> 00:58:41,684 What I saw continues to haunt me. 1059 00:58:42,977 --> 00:58:44,521 In the mirror, I see this, 1060 00:58:44,604 --> 00:58:47,273 but in my mind, I know the truth. 1061 00:58:48,691 --> 00:58:52,403 So I am motivated to protect that crown. 1062 00:58:52,487 --> 00:58:56,574 I don't use that thing. That's not for biting or tearing. 1063 00:58:56,658 --> 00:58:58,535 It's purely decorative. 1064 00:58:59,369 --> 00:59:01,162 Because I know if that crown ever fell out, 1065 00:59:01,246 --> 00:59:03,915 there is a petite goblin inside. 1066 00:59:05,291 --> 00:59:06,668 Lurking. 1067 00:59:08,086 --> 00:59:10,880 It's with me always. 1068 00:59:10,964 --> 00:59:12,966 [audience laughing] 1069 00:59:15,343 --> 00:59:17,637 And if you look closely, you could tell, 1070 00:59:17,720 --> 00:59:21,891 this crown, it's slightly bigger and whiter than the counterparts. 1071 00:59:22,392 --> 00:59:25,562 'Cause when you go through that process, they let you pick a color. 1072 00:59:25,645 --> 00:59:27,397 You choose a hue. 1073 00:59:28,273 --> 00:59:32,193 Somewhere between off-white and off-er-white. 1074 00:59:32,819 --> 00:59:34,821 And you can go lighter or darker, 1075 00:59:34,904 --> 00:59:38,324 depending on where you feel like your life is headed. 1076 00:59:40,159 --> 00:59:44,747 You still got ambition, or are you ready to just coast it out now? 1077 00:59:46,332 --> 00:59:47,292 You decide. 1078 00:59:47,375 --> 00:59:50,962 But if you're gonna go for it, you gotta be honest with yourself. 1079 00:59:51,045 --> 00:59:54,674 How white are the other teeth ever gonna get? 1080 00:59:55,675 --> 01:00:00,930 And how many years are you down to have one bright-ass tooth? 1081 01:00:02,015 --> 01:00:03,808 I'm Sheng Wang. Thank you, DC. 1082 01:00:03,891 --> 01:00:05,727 [audience cheering] 1083 01:00:06,311 --> 01:00:09,772 Thank you. Take care of yourselves. 1084 01:00:10,481 --> 01:00:12,775 Love each other, support each other. 1085 01:00:12,859 --> 01:00:14,193 [cheering continues] 1086 01:00:14,277 --> 01:00:15,737 I'll see you next time. 1087 01:00:15,820 --> 01:00:18,406 [upbeat music playing] 1088 01:00:50,730 --> 01:00:51,814 [music fades]