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IS NO COINCIDENCE…
IT'S A BUMMER.
TORRENTE FOR PRESIDENT
VOTE
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IRRESPONSIBLY WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY
What's up, gang?
How we doing?
Good.
Hi, Torrente. How are you?
-Still got that accent, huh? -What can I get you?
The usual, Chopstick.
Double brandy and anisette. And churros.
-I skipped breakfast. -Got it.
They say the Chinese are taking over the world.
This guy sure isn't.
He may love Franco, but he's dumb as a rock.
But damn, do they multiply.
Look around. There's more Chinese than regular people!
Jesus, Torrente, the crap you say…
What, Damián? Ain't it true, Pájaro?
You're right.
So now the Chinese are to blame?
The Chinese? Nah, poor bastards.
They're happy selling calculators, glue sticks, and cheap junk.
The socialists are the ones wrecking the country.
-Exactly. -They promised voters the world.
And what'd we get? The Third World.
-And they pocketed the cash. -There aren't any real socialists left.
Now they're all followers of Pedro Vilches.
Don't say his name this early. It makes me nauseous.
This guy's unreal.
Him? A complete idiot.
At least Chopstick grew a mustache so we can tell them apart.
But look at how he talks.
People listen to him. He connects with them.
-He's got charisma. -He's disgusting.
That's it! Let's dance!
I just got an idea.
We can use this guy. Come on.
What are you talking about?
Excuse me, sir.
Mind if we talk?
You're not a pair of homos, are you?
No, not at all.
We're with Nox.
Politicians.
Come to our rally Sunday in Cercedilla.
We're very interested in your opinions.
A rally?
Free ham and wine.
Free? You should've led with that. Where do I sign up? I'm in.
Cuco!
Torrente!
What's up, kid? Got paid today?
Yeah, Torrente. Moha always comes through.
Give it to me.
I'll keep it safe.
Bye, Cuco!
Bye, Mr. Torrente! Want some Moroccan mint tea?
No?
Why don't you say hi to Moha?
He's a good guy. Plus, he likes you.
I don't trust him one bit, kid. Arabs are sneaky as hell.
How can you say that? You're unbelievable.
BALLESTA STREET
Man, the nights I spent patrolling these streets.
This place used to be wild back in the day.
Now there's not even any hookers left.
They just move them around. There are still plenty if you want them.
Nah, Cuco. This city's losing its soul.
The world's going to hell.
Quit complaining, Torrente. Things are going pretty damn good.
What are you doing?
Sorry. Forgot to offer you some.
You hand it to me after slobbering all over it?
Come on. Give me that.
You're such a pig.
I bet you filled up on kebabs at the Arab's place.
No way, Torrente. I don't eat that stuff. You don't wanna know how he makes them.
That's true.
Plus, you gotta start taking care of yourself at my age.
Hey, Torrente,
my buddy Chopo's got a job for us this Sunday.
That scrap metal thing? Nah.
I got plans.
I'm getting into something big. It's gonna be great for us.
Doing what, Torrente?
Politics, kid. Politics.
Hey, hands off, kid. Don't get greedy.
How's it going? Looks like you're enjoying yourself.
Yeah. This is great.
Want to say a few words? The crowd would love to hear from you.
Me? Up there?
You paying me?
It's for our country.
For our country? I'm your man.
Go on, then.
And now we have with us a simple man. A man of the people.
A humble patriot, just like you and me.
Above all, a man proud of his country.
A man who represents us, José Luis Torrente.
Hello? Can you hear me? Testing.
My fellow citizens!
Hear that? I'm being inclusive now.
I said "citizens." Not "countrymen" or "countrywomen."
Just citizens, you happy?
Next thing you know, they'll want us using loads of pronouns…
-Where'd you find this guy? -It's Santi's experiment.
-You're better off testing on rats. -That's what I said.
I love Spain with all my heart.
That's why it kills me to watch it fall apart
thanks to President Pedro Vilches.
I said Pedro Vilches.
That son of a bitch!
Thank you.
These people have banned our beautiful traditions.
Things like tossing goats off bell towers and bullfighting.
And the animal barely suffers.
It knows we do it out of love.
Yet they allow that savage Arab festival,
that barbaric folk celebration,
where they butcher lambs in the street and eat them!
Millions of years ago, this country was invaded by Arabs. Infested.
That's why we had the Reconquista.
Don Quixote and El Cid gave their lives for it!
Now Pedro Vilches is giving it all away.
Bringing them back after all that work getting rid of them.
Now he wants to give legal status to half a million Arabs.
Pedro Vilches is gonna end up crying like a baby.
"Weep like a woman for what you could not defend like a man."
Let me tell you something, Vilches,
the Spanish people want a president who's a real man!
Mm-hmm. Thank you.
Hell yeah!
People loved it.
You killed it. That historical quote was genius.
-Culture matters. -You really connected with our voters.
You were born for politics.
This guy knows his stuff, huh? Hard to believe, looking at him.
How you feeling?
Honestly? I was made for this.
They liked me. Of course they liked me.
'Cause I got balls and common sense.
They seem pretty lost to me.
I don't know. Politics seems shady to me.
Come on. Politics is the shit.
Remember Minister Álabos?
The guy's my hero.
Absolute legend.
Guy took a van full of hookers to a state-run luxury hotel.
Using our taxpayer money.
Our tax money?
Torrente hasn't paid taxes since like '96 at least.
Hey. I've paid my dues.
The undercover guys wipe our records so we stay off the radar.
Look, I'm almost in.
Now I gotta seal the deal.
Stick with me, and I'll hook you up.
There's plenty of cash to go around.
I'll settle for the 6,000 pesetas you owe me for whiskey.
Sure. I'll make you a cabinet minister. Can't have you looking broke.
Antoñito, another round. Put it on the taxpayers!
This is a marathon, Torrente.
We have to take it slow. Contribute ideas, build momentum.
The guy on the posters is the head honcho, right?
Our leader. Future president of Spain.
He's heard all about you.
-He wants to meet you. -Really?
He heard you get the crowd going at rallies.
Good. Make sure he knows I can work a crowd.
Education is great and all.
But what's better than teaching our kids about our national traditions?
That's why, when we win,
every neighborhood will have its own religious procession.
Street festivals and bullfights too!
Because you people get paid peanuts. Dead-end jobs with shitty contracts.
Back in my day, you could save up and buy an apartment.
Now? Forget it.
All you can afford is a cell phone.
And not even a good one. Made in China.
China! For fuck's sake, China!
Back in the day, we made phones here in Spain.
Yeah!
I'd say more, but I'd get arrested.
Oh my God.
Welcome to headquarters, Torrente.
It's time for you to meet our leader.
Hey, Torrente. I've heard so much about you.
Likewise, Mr. President.
This is Bartolomé Cuongo, our secretary general.
Wait… this guy's Black.
I thought Nox was racist.
Torrente, Bartolomé's a stand-up guy.
So we're not racist now?
Only a little. But Bartolomé keeps people guessing.
Listen, Torrente, which would you prefer?
A white commie who wants to destroy Spain, or a Black guy who loves his country?
Tell me.
You got me there, Mondongo.
Besides, it could be worse.
He could be Catalan.
Hey, no way.
Torrente, I'm proud to have a man like you in our ranks.
Politics needs capable, level-headed people.
But since there aren't many around, we might have a spot for you here.
I don't get why you brought Torrente.
He's lazy as hell.
He better not complain when we split the money later.
I'm the lookout.
Cuco, these people appreciate me.
They know they've struck gold with me.
You're a legend.
Nox is hungry for Torrente.
Speaking of being hungry…
You got any of that ham left from the rally?
Let me see if there's any left.
Well, look at that. Your lucky day.
It's got a little lint on it, but I'm sure it's still good.
Looks great, man.
Delicious.
I'm gonna need a secretary or personal assistant soon.
You'd be perfect for the position.
Seriously? Me?
The only thing I'm gonna position is my fist in your face
if you don't quit gabbing and help me out here.
Chopo, you'd make a great bodyguard.
So they show up, right? And the guy starts mouthing off.
Nasty stuff. Totally uncalled for.
So I pull out my gun, pop him right in the ear,
and he starts squealing like a pig.
Exactly. Like Chunky here.
Who'd dare to disrespect El Fary in front of you?
I knew you were an El Fary guy, Manolín.
He was number one.
Know what I never told you? This one's a classic.
Back when I saved Colonel Camuñas's ass in the Afrika Korps.
With stories like these, were you some kind of spy?
I swore an oath.
My lips are sealed.
But… have you heard of the 1981 coup attempt?
-Black Friday, right? -What?
Honey, it was a missed opportunity to fix this broken democracy.
That day everyone, from Milans del Bosch to Tejero,
even the king "meritous,"
were just pawns following orders.
You were the White Elephant?
I get the "white" part, but why "elephant"? You used to be fatter?
The "elephant" part came from what I'm packing down here.
I knew you were a big deal. A guy with a past.
-No wonder there's a rumor going around. -A rumor? Had no idea.
Jacobo loved you.
He's considering putting your name on the ticket.
That's great. What spot?
Twenty-sixth, I think. That's an honor, Mr. Torrente.
Twenty-sixth? That's an insult, kid.
You haven't been in the party long.
We run on seniority. What'd you expect?
I mean, I was thinking president or something like that.
I'm practically one of them. It's in the bag.
So are you going to get us all in, Torrente?
Sure, Manolito. I'm making you minister of Health.
Yes, sir!
And Antoñito, minister of Culture.
That way, you can finally pay me back for the whiskey.
Quit whining about the whiskey.
With a minister's salary, you can buy whole barrels of it.
Plus, there's always the revolving door.
What's that?
It's like a whirlpool, when it spins.
That's when you get kicked out of politics and companies hire you
as an advisor and you make big bucks.
Like soccer players.
When they can't play anymore,
they sign with garbage teams in Dubai and still make millions.
I never really cared about politics,
but those revolving doors sound pretty sweet, Torrente.
Think you can get my kid a job too?
-What do you think this is? -Danielito's smart.
One time I did division without using the calculator on my phone.
A real intellectual.
What did I ever do to you?
Shut up, kid.
He seems kinda slow.
If only he just seemed dumb…
Look, without qualifications or a degree, it won't be easy.
I could get him a master's degree through a cousin of mine.
Oh, that changes everything.
In that case, I could put him in charge of the Office of Performing Arts.
What the hell even is that?
You know… performing arts.
Speaking dialects nobody understands in public,
like Basque, Catalan, or whatever nonsense, will be banned.
One country, one language.
And if you want to talk funny at home, fine.
In your own home, do whatever the hell you want.
That's where I draw the line.
Come on, Mom. Seriously?
We gotta lower taxes.
I'd go even further.
Taxes shouldn't even exist.
How are we gonna tax the people who voted for us?
Good times are coming!
Yeah, I know what I'm going to do. But you're paying for the food.
How are you, sir? Hello, sir. How are you?
Yeah. Hold on. All right.
Let's go.
Hey! Great to meet you.
Hello, sir. Thank you.
Torrente, you were phenomenal at the rally in El Escorial.
The stuff you come up with…
What can I say? I'm good at this.
One thing I noticed, you never criticized gay marriage,
which we're strongly against as part of our platform.
Yeah. I'm fine with it.
What are you saying?
-Care to explain? -Listen.
If homos want to get married, let 'em. Let them be miserable like the rest of us.
Why should we be the only suckers suffering,
while they have all the fun?
That forward-thinking attitude is honestly refreshing.
But I don't know…
Look, getting rid of the GLTBV flags makes no sense.
Gays love their colorful flags.
Same way I love the Atlético flag. It fills me with pride.
Besides, gays are good people.
Real touchy-feely.
And apart from that sickness they have,
they don't hurt anybody.
They just mind their own business, doing it up the ass.
Where are you going with this?
I'm saying it makes no sense to piss off potential voters.
Spain may be short on a lot of things, but we've got gays up the wazoo.
More than half the country's gay.
You really wanna lose half your voters just like that?
You got a good point.
I can see you're really invested in the campaign.
Tomorrow's the big debate, live on national TV.
We'd love it if you joined us, Torrente.
It's on.
They invited me to the debate on TV.
Are you really gonna speak?
For now I'm just watching, but I'm sure I'll learn something.
Why don't we practice for your debate?
Great idea. Let's pretend this is Congress.
Ask me stuff, and I'll answer.
Come on. Hit me.
Who's up first?
Me! Me first.
Jackass!
Takes one to know one!
You owe me 6,000 pesetas for whiskey!
Ladies and gentlemen, that is false!
That's a smear job. Total lie. Fake news!
Your whole party's corrupt!
I know you are, but what am I?
You son of a peach.
Fuck your mother,
your dead relatives, and your fucking country too.
I don't know, Torrente.
Sounds more like grade school than Congress.
Exactly, Cuco. That's politics.
-We're doing great. -Yes, sir.
In three hours, the top candidates will face off
in a decisive debate for the future of our country.
The election is just days away, and it could change the country…
Pudimos candidate Paulo Cheneque is first to arrive.
How do you feel about not paying Social Security for hired help?
You've been asking me that for seven years.
And you never answer. What are you doing?
Every time he asks me a question, throw it farther away.
Because he's a fascist.
PAPÉ candidate Manoli Sanabria just arrived with her team.
Welcome, Manoli.
-Quick question. -Sure.
What's PAPÉ hoping to achieve tonight?
We want Spain to see that we have to change course.
-We have to-- -Excuse me.
It's Nox!
The Nox candidate, Jacobo Carrascal, has just arrived,
already shaking things up.
He's accompanied by his entourage, or whatever.
Well, Mr. Torrente.
Your first debate.
Yeah, I can't wait.
Jacobo.
I know you're busy, but do you have a minute for me?
For you? Always.
Guys, give us a sec. I'll be right with you.
Mr. President.
I have a little something I keep on me
for emergencies, in case you wanna kick things up a notch.
I don't need that stuff.
Neither do I. This is just a helper. A boost.
In case you wanna make a good impression.
All right.
Enjoy.
Mondongo, why don't you hit the vending machine and grab peanuts?
It's Cuongo.
And Black people stopped serving whites a long time ago. You go.
Relax. I was asking in case you were hungry.
Since the bananas are still inside. Already peeled and sliced.
No climbing trees required, like back in your country.
NOX PARTY ROOM
That's the problem with waiting around. Nothing to do.
Hey, Cuongo, is it true what they say about Black guys having huge dicks?
That's just a myth, right?
Sounds like they're having fun.
He always says you gotta be relaxed before a debate.
What better way to blow off steam than with a dime piece like that?
Bazoombas.
Hey, by the way, how does the boss hold up…?
Like a champ.
I get him his uppers myself.
Since I knew that reporter lady was gonna be here,
I crushed up two pills into his water without him noticing,
to avoid hurting his pride.
Oh my God. He's gonna rail her.
Wake up!
Help!
What's wrong?
Breathe!
Help!
Low blood pressure and arrhythmia? But he was perfectly healthy.
Could be his age.
Or maybe he took something he shouldn't have.
By law, NOX still needs a representative out there.
You need somebody to take his place.
Take his place?
I'm not going out there looking like an idiot.
These debates are prepared way ahead of time.
You're second in command.
Yeah, I'm a better speaker, but there's a lot riding on this.
-Then get out there! -How can I do that?
We're live in three minutes.
Miss, we found our replacement. Write this name down.
-José Luis Torrente Galván. -What?
-Huh? -You can't be serious.
Relax. I got this.
-Stop him! -Has he lost his mind?
-You can watch backstage. -This'll be epic.
Come on.
-Should I do makeup? -Yes.
Get that powder off me! What do you think I am, a sissy?
-Are you wearing sunglasses? -I look good in them, right?
Your call.
Hurry up. It's already started.
Stand by. Ten seconds.
Three, two, one…
You're live.
Before we begin, we regret
to inform you Jacobo Carrascal has had a medical emergency.
He is recovering at the hospital.
Thankfully, he's in stable condition.
Yes, one moment.
I've just been told we have a replacement.
His name is José Luis…
Torrente. Hey, this place is nice.
Looks like a game show in here.
Too much hard work finally got to our leader.
All the stress from watching these folks ruin our country.
But José Luis Torrente is here to defend Spain!
We're short on time, sir. Please head to your podium. Thank you.
This is unacceptable.
I want the audience to know that the man replacing Carrascal
is an ex-convict.
But come on.
Why's this lady first? Are we going by weight?
'Cause if that's the case, she'll speak first all night.
No, it was decided by a random draw earlier.
If it was as fair as the last election, we're in trouble.
Excuse me for saying this. How can you be such a loudmouth?
Kid, I practice being loud with your sister every night.
-Fucking kid. -I don't have a sister.
Of course you don't. You've got a stroller.
Who let a stroller in here? What's next, animals?
I can see they already do. That whale from Restar is here.
What? That's fat-shaming!
Ma'am, I've lost weight. Look, slim as a gazelle now.
Gazelle, my ass.
Excuse me.
Sorry, it was the wheelchair guy.
Let me make something clear. I'm Spanish, conservative, and right-wing.
Wonderful.
But what you're saying is so disgusting that I would be ashamed
to be even remotely linked to you or your ideology.
Look who's talking, Miss Proper.
Why would anyone link you to me? Disgusting.
Your party is the reason Pedro Vilches is running this country.
You have no spine!
-You're with Vilches-- -Please wait your turn.
-Otherwise, we can't continue. -Sorry, blondie.
And now the PSAE representative, the minister of Equality,
Mrs. Idoia Mantero.
The minister. Nine.
Thank you.
The Spanish Antifascist Socialist Party is fighting
to make sexism a thing of the past.
That's why it's good to remind those Nox sexists that I,
as a trans woman--
We have nothing against trans people.
But you call yourself a "woman"?
My mother's a woman. You're a homo.
Just because you like sucking dick doesn't make you a woman.
No, take that back right now.
Don't get it twisted. I mean, you look good.
I'd be into it. I'd tap that.
-You think that's funny? -Yeah.
-We won't tolerate hate speech here. -Hate? I just said I'd help her out.
I mean, he has a point.
-What are you saying, child of a bitch? -What?
-Let me go. -Get it!
We don't want to miss this.
Let go of me! This is gender-based violence!
Gender?
-Get your ass to church! -Is this gonna take long?
It's ten, and I haven't had dinner.
Scram! You creature!
Torrente's behavior was unforgivable. We don't know how it happened.
No. The crazy part is people like him.
-Half the country hates him. -Right.
But the half voting for us love him.
They keep replaying clips on TV. Every channel.
President Pedro Vilches's absence barely got noticed
during last night's debate.
The role of the loudmouth was played by NOX representative
José Luis Torrente.
He might be useful for the cause after all.
He was supposed to be our mascot.
The Spanish Legion's got a goat, and we've got Torrente.
I don't know which is worse.
Looks like the far right found its new hero.
Crude, tacky, and vulgar.
Yes. Virtually unknown until now, he bulldozed through last night's debate.
What did the candidate name his sub sandwich?
-The Torrente Special. -I don't get it.
'Cause it comes with huge meatballs.
There's no way he could've done worse, but he definitely got attention.
This is huge. The whole country saw you last night.
-Yeah. Andorra too. -Spain needs guys like you.
Appreciate it, brother.
Hey! We've got your back!
Thanks, boys!
You're the man, Torrente!
Thank you! I'm telling you, the people are with me.
People watch a lot of TV around here.
It's you! The guy from TV.
In the flesh.
Can I get an autograph? My wife loves you.
-Sure. -I'll grab some paper.
-Stay right there. -No worries. Go ahead.
See that, kid?
I can feel it already. I'm on the right path.
The path to where?
What kind of question is that? You dumb, or what? To the presidency.
Hey! What are you doing?
Relax, I'm a politician.
When I'm president,
I'll take good care of people in your line of work.
My dad worked in construction.
-No kidding? -Yeah.
Guy worked his whole life. Died in a building collapse.
Go ahead. Take whatever you need.
Thanks.
Hey. I'm a politician, you know?
When I'm president,
I'm gonna take good care of people in your line of work.
-My dad drove a cab. -Really?
Yeah. God rest his soul. The commies killed him during the war.
-Your ride's on the house. -Thanks.
When I'm president, I'll treat immigrants right.
Where you from again, Vilma?
Ecuador. I already told you.
My dad was from Ecuador.
He was Ecuadorian.
When I'm president,
I promise I'll take good care of people in your line of work.
Prostitution.
My mom was a hooker.
Finally, an honest politician.
Now that we're friends, how about a discount?
These whores crack me up.
You've become a national sensation after the debate.
Looks that way.
Torrente, this is Miguel Ángel González, our communications officer.
Pleased to meet you.
One thing's obvious, Torrente. People love you.
But we need to avoid mistakes.
-Who runs your socials? -My socials…?
You're not on social media?
I'm a social guy. The media just hates me.
Relax, Torrente. Franky will handle it.
The kid's a genius.
-How are you, sir? -Hi.
You went viral after the debate. We gotta move fast.
Strike while the iron's hot.
You'll also need an image consultant,
PR and etiquette advice…
We love your spontaneity,
but in politics, one misstep, and you're done.
Good morning.
Carmela Suseiro.
She'll be your guide to the world of politics. She's good.
Hi there, sweetheart.
Hey! Let's shake hands, Mr. Torrente.
You have to play it safe.
Told you, she misses nothing.
I'll protect your image, play up your charisma,
and make the most of that sleazy charm you have.
Class and good manners are the hallmark of the new right.
Jesus, Torrente. We'll need gas masks here.
Cuco, I'm worried.
I got no problem taking advice from a broad.
I'm as "woke" as they come.
But damn, she's ugly.
Is she really that bad, Torrente?
Ugly as sin. Like a leftist from Pudimos.
Have you seen the leader of Restar? With that beak.
Way worse.
You said I'd be your advisor, Torrente.
I hope I don't get kicked to the curb now.
Yeah, Torrente. Remember us.
We really want to help you fix the country.
Yeah, right. What you want is to cash in.
Just like me.
-What would you call this? -That?
A fat lady.
Curvy, Torrente.
Curvy.
Curvy? Call her whatever you want, but she's fat.
And here?
An idiot.
He's differently abled.
Abled? He's a moron.
What about this?
Now this is pathetic. The guy's whipped.
Henpecked.
No backbone.
Seriously, Mr. Torrente?
Relax, I'm kidding. This is great.
A guy picking up the check. Now, that's feminism.
No, Mr. Torrente. It's wrong. Casual sexism.
What?
This one?
A gentleman holding the door for a lady.
That's feminism.
Wrong again. Casual sexism.
Pay attention.
This one.
Sure. It's an Arab bastard taking advantage of that girl.
She's got a ton of luggage, and he's doing nothing.
That's sexism.
You're hopeless.
-No way. -It's their culture.
-Culture? -Other customs. We've got to respect them.
What are you laughing at?
Do you think this is funny? Do I look funny to you?
What are you staring at?
I'm not laughing at you.
I realized that your lack of a filter,
that brutal honesty, and simplicity
could help us win over voters.
And hopefully I'll get laid too.
Great, that's what I'm talking about.
That kid you gave me to help me with "sociable" crap
is kind of weird.
Not the brightest crayon in the box.
Franky has been to Harvard, Oxford, Cambridge…
He didn't graduate from any of them, but he's been there.
-He's got his MA. -Yeah. Gives him a lot of prestige.
And he's an expert in International relations.
So am I. Once I banged a Romanian chick.
That kid is apparently a brainiac.
He may have gone to fancy-schmancy schools,
but the kid's a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
He's Jacobo Carrascal's nephew.
That's all I'm saying.
The kid's got connections and a bright future.
Now that you say that, I'm warming up to him.
-Of course. -All right, I'm gonna take a dump.
The bathrooms here are spotless. Real nice.
Come on, champ!
Caught you!
Hey, don't be like that.
Give me a little kiss.
"Matías, come down. We don't understand what this guy wants."
"Coming. Incompetent idiots… How can I help you?"
"I need a gimbal-head flange screw
with a built-in hog-flapper right here… That's it."
What is this?
Well, we needed to warm up the crowd. Make it less awkward.
So, to class things up,
I figured we should have an opening act.
So I booked Paquito, the son of the great Arévalo.
The cassette guy?
Exactly. Hey, Paquito!
You crushed it, man. Just like your old man.
-Am I getting paid? I know how you are. -Yeah, maybe later.
Hey, the lisping guy bit was hilarious,
but the really funny stuff is the queer jokes.
Do those.
Mr. Torrente!
I mean LGBTQ people.
Look, Mr. Torrente, you can't do this anymore.
What? Didn't you just see him?
Humor nowadays is about knocking the people at the top.
So, we kick Paquito offstage and put the audience up there?
The stage would cave in.
Hear that?
That's Fary.
You like that? Pretty awesome, huh?
Nothing beats AI.
What?
Artificial intelligence.
We can copy Fary's voice and make him sing whatever we want.
It's AI. Incredible stuff.
AI? Watch this, guy!
El Fary singing whatever you and AI tell him to? No way.
Nothing is sacred in this country anymore.
Not even El Fary. El Fary!
But no machine on earth can replace a Spaniard!
And let me tell you something.
When we win, and we will,
I will personally make Spain great again,
and no man or machine will be able to stop it!
Hit the deck! We're under fire!
What? It was a wasp. There are a lot of them here.
A wasp? It was an assassination attempt.
They can't take us out!
Long live Spain!
Unreal. That's one hell of a photo.
It's what a patriot should look like.
This image means votes.
Courage, bravery, manliness. It's got it all.
And I pulled the stinger out. Barely even hurts.
Mr. Torrente, we're sunk.
Someone's trying to sabotage the campaign.
-What? -It can't be.
Someone made a fake AI picture of you
with a transvestite and two prostitutes and spread it online. Look.
-Torrente. -Let me see.
Yep, that's me.
This was from last night at the brothel.
My secretary Cuco got paid, and he lent me cash.
A wild party.
-Torrente! -Relax, woman.
Voters like candidates that get laid.
Active, virile people. That's what makes a leader.
That's one way to see it.
You get it, Miguel Ángel.
No.
More importantly, how are you holding up? The doctor says you'll be out soon.
Right. He said that before you showed me this picture.
Then maybe we shouldn't show you this one.
I get that people like him and that his speeches are funny,
but I'm starting to think this is getting out of hand.
It's unreal. They're being so annoying.
These Nox people think they know more than I do. Come on…
I don't need advisors.
With a top-notch secretary like you, I'm covered.
I'm a man with initiative.
Sure you are, Torrente.
Well, this meeting I set up, that was my idea.
-A meeting with thought leaders? -That's right.
Because I'm the politician who knows what normal people want.
I'm like a thermometer for the concerns and needs of citizens.
A thermometer? I see you more as a suppository.
You don't just find the problem. You fix it too.
I brought you guys here because I wanted to meet with you
to kick around some ideas.
You're good people.
Upstanding citizens.
An example of values, principles, and decency.
What about the ladies?
-The what? -Ladies of the night.
Hookers?
-Yeah. -What about them?
They should be covered by Social Security. They're practically healthcare.
-And a source of happiness. -Yeah.
Also, do you know how much it costs taxpayers
to house and feed criminals and thieves in prisons?
I know where you're going.
That scum should pay for their stay in prison.
Forced labor. You do the crime, you do the time.
I was thinking of something harsher.
-The death penalty. -Yeah.
Damn.
It's a real Spanish tradition, and it worked great.
Why'd they get rid of it?
Since they scrapped it, it's all gone downhill.
He's right. Kids barely pray in school anymore.
They don't sing the anthem.
-Not even the Falange anthem. -Not even that.
Teachers can't do anything anymore.
-They barely smack the kids now. -They barely smack them.
And women voting seems like a step backward to me.
Since when was that a thing? That should be revisited right away.
It should be revisited.
I mean, was the Vagrancy Law so bad?
-They should bring it back, dammit. -And mandatory military service.
Of course.
Military service. Well, thanks a lot, gentlemen.
I hear you, and I'll keep your opinions in mind when I'm in office.
I'm counting on your vote.
So? What do you think of him?
Just like the rest of them. Same old crap.
This guy's a wimp.
The same spineless right. What did you expect?
We ought to start our own party.
Then you already know who ought to be president.
Obviously. I'm the perfect guy for it.
-Hey! Over here. That'd be me. -What?
Long live Franco, the king, and order and the law's ring.
The whistling idiot's at it again.
Hey, no need to be rude.
Being rude to an idiot doesn't really count.
It's not exactly spacious, huh?
-Not many people get an office. -True.
We tried to accommodate your requests as best we could.
Look, Mr. Torrente. Take a look at this.
What the hell is this?
Some pins to make Franco cool to young people.
Make him more relatable, more fun.
You know what this is, kid?
A great idea.
No. This is disrespectful to Franco.
He gave everything for his country and asked for nothing in return.
I made caps too.
This kid is kinda dumb, right?
He's Carrascal's nephew.
I mean, he's dumb, but the kid's got talent.
Absolutely.
Get settled in your office.
Tomorrow's the annual charity gala to raise money for the party.
We expect to see you there.
-Formal attire only. -Of course.
Careful there, pal. It's a classic car.
-Torrente, I was waiting for you. -All right.
-Come with me. -Let's go.
Nice shack!
Lots of old broads here. They know all the tricks.
These events keep us afloat, Torrente.
Our fuel.
That's right, real fuel. Not that green-energy crap.
Excuse me, Mr. Torrente. I couldn't help overhearing you.
My daughter, Candelita, has a question.
Of course. Go ahead.
What's your stance on climate change?
Climate change?
It's every Spaniard's God-given right.
In Spain, it's always been cold in the winter and hot in the summer.
That's climate change.
And the socialists want to take it away.
But when we take office,
the climate will change every month, the way God intended.
Mr. Torrente, a little donation for your campaign.
Damn! Thanks, sweetheart. Holy fuck.
-Excuse me, one more thing. -Go ahead.
What is your opinion on the potential inverse correlation
between long-term interest rates
and the yield curve in a context of global inflation?
PROCESSING
If you'll excuse me,
I gotta pull him away. People want to meet him.
Besides, if I answered that, I'd be here all night.
-Torrente. -Yeah?
That money's not for you. It's for the party.
Right. Of course.
Let me introduce you to one of the richest women in the country.
She's a widow. One of our biggest donors.
-Try not to say anything inappropriate. -Come on. Who do you take me for, Pelayo?
Brigitte.
This is Torrente.
The man everyone's talking about.
Pleasure to meet you, ma'am.
Hold on. We've met before.
I don't think so.
No, trust me, we have.
It was a very special moment.
Beautiful. Think back.
I honestly don't remember.
She doesn't remember. Let's see.
Know how many girls a woman's got inside her?
Did you know that there are five girls in a woman's body?
Look, Lefty,
Righty,
Chin, Abby,
And 'Gina!
That was me.
And in a man's body, there's no little guys?
Down here, I've got a little Willy.
But if you give him a kiss, he grows into a big Johnson.
Asshole!
Women's soccer has really done a number on Spain.
I think I have to go home.
I've got this testicular pressure… building up.
Come in.
Make yourselves at home, okay?
Don't be shy. Wait, what are you doing?
Who are these… people?
-They're my cabinet. -Your what?
Look, I know Carrascal is getting better.
But what if he doesn't? We gotta be prepared.
This is a group of technocrats fully qualified to run any department.
Torrente, those jobs are appointed directly by the president.
I see that my contributions to this party's success
are still not being valued.
We value you very much, and you are a key player in the campaign,
but you need to understand--
When do we get envelopes full of cash?
Where are the envelopes?
-With the big bucks, you know? -They're so greedy.
Torrente, the countryside belongs to the country, right?
Always has, Manolito.
And the city belongs in the city.
Exactly. That's how it should be.
So, what's Retiro Park doing in the middle of Madrid, taking up space?
Same with Güell Park in Barcelona.
That shouldn't even be there.
We should build some luxury apartments there.
-I see where you're going. -And we split the profits.
-Yes, sir. -I see initiative.
-I see ideas. I see concern. -Exactly.
This is supposed to be his minister of Culture?
I can't imagine the minister of Urban Planning.
Look.
These guys are "innerdisciplinary."
I could be the minister of anything.
I want an official government car.
And one for my wife.
And an official electric scooter for my boy.
With lights.
What's wrong with you? Are you nuts?
Know how much the socialist government spends on government cars?
How much? 48,994,077 euros.
Outrageous. That's our government for you.
-And gas money? -How much?
On gas, 300…
My hand got sweaty, and the ink rubbed off.
Sorry. I'm nervous here, Torrente.
An important call.
I'm lining up support for you,
and a world leader wants to congratulate you already.
Torrente, how are you? Javier Milei here.
-Who? -The president of Argentina.
Hello?
Hi. How are you?
Torrente, quick question. How many ministries do you got there?
Well, over 20.
Then you know what you gotta do.
Cut half of 'em. I don't have that many friends.
Chainsaw.
If I can't find a chainsaw, I'll use a handsaw. It's more our thing.
That's the spirit, Torrente! Stick it to those damn lefties!
And if you stay the course,
we've got your back in Argentina!
Long live freedom, dammit!
Thanks a lot, Javi.
What a nice guy. Doesn't seem Argentinian.
What'd you think?
Nice job, kid.
I thought you were a halfwit,
but you've got fucking amazing connections.
I'm starting to like you.
You could really go places with my help.
Not so far that we lose sight of him, okay?
Your uncle will be back soon,
and we need to focus on getting him elected.
Torrente, remember you're a key piece of our rise to power,
but only just one piece.
Don't forget that.
Did you hear that? I'm just one piece!
A real piece of work, Torrente!
-Torrente! -Torrente for president!
Hello.
The people love you.
Torrente for president!
That's your base, right there.
Stop making fun of them.
Those people vote too. Every vote counts.
I gotta step this up and get my face out there.
I gotta run for president, for real.
I'm done with these Nox people acting like I'm some nobody.
TORRENTE FOR PRESIDENT
I can print all the posters you want, but you'll have to pay.
Sure. Other people can post them up.
Don't get smart with me, Torrente. I said "pay," not "post."
Of course, Chopo.
That's why I said it. They'll take care of that.
Kid, hand over the cash.
We agreed to post 'em, not pay for 'em.
We also agreed on a decent crew,
and you brought me an Oompa Loompa and a walrus.
It's the best we could do.
Come on, you are my Torrente Youth.
When I'm president, I'll make you bodyguards for life.
Us? Bodyguards?
-You promised me that job. -Doesn't matter.
Bodyguards, bouncers, ministers…
I'm running the whole thing.
Pay this guy, grab the posters, and plaster the city with my face.
When you become president, you can also put your face on coins.
No. No small change.
My face will be on bills.
Sorry to wake you up, but that's the plan, Franky.
I oughta be president.
People love me.
They know I would bring back the glory days to our country, to Spain.
If you want my opinion, I don't see that happening.
The party will turn on you.
Your junkie friend's right, Torrente. It's insane.
Wait.
Vice president.
Didn't you say you want the top job?
No. If I become president, you'll be my VP.
Huh?
I like that idea, Mr. Torrente.
We're going all the way.
Full throttle.
We need a media blitz.
What media?
Tonight we'll have some fun with our guest, José Luis Torrente!
How's it going?
Have a seat.
A round of applause for…
Whoa!
He knows the dance. Trancas and Barrancas, come out.
-Trancas and Barrancas. -How's it going, Torrente?
You're making me talk to puppets?
Come on, don't be rude, Torrente.
You're right. It's good practice for when I go to Congress.
That place is full of puppets.
Well, I think I speak for all my listeners
when I say that we're thrilled to have you here,
especially after the latest controversy
involving Minister Idoia Mantero that everyone's talking about.
-Know why Idoia has an Adam's apple? -No.
'Cause she ain't got a peach.
Mr. Rajoy, we've got presidential hopeful José Luis Torrente,
calling you for advice.
Could you tell him the three most important qualities
a good president should have?
At this point in my life, I try not to give advice anymore.
But if someone asks, I won't say no either.
First, Mr. Torrente, don't be divisive.
Second, be honest. Don't lie.
And finally, be honorable.
So you're saying we've never had a good president?
Come on. Don't say that. We've had some good ones.
Or did you forget that I was president?
No kidding! You still got thrown out, though.
-This isn't that kind of show. -Sorry, Mariano.
This current president makes you look like a choirboy.
So, you came out looking good.
Thank you, Mr. Rajoy.
Those people aren't politicians. They're terrorists, Jorge.
My name's Jordi.
Yeah. Right.
Anyone giving terrorists a platform is helping them.
You should think about that, Jordi.
Mr. Torrente, they're legal, constitutional parties.
I don't agree with everyone I bring on my show.
I try to give everyone a voice. I'm giving you one too.
Are you comparing me, a patriot,
with those commie Catalan separatists who are trying to tear Spain apart?
Without Catalan players, Spain wouldn't have won the World Cup.
That was forever ago.
Listen to me.
I'm going to catch hell for bringing you on the show
because some people say you're a fascist.
And some people say you fuck goats.
Who says that, Mr. Torrente?
People, Jordi. People.
You're out of your mind!
Yeah, like a rabid goat. But don't try to fuck me.
So, José Luis, do you see yourself as president?
Look, Pablo, I'm not doing this for me. I don't need this.
I'm doing this for the people. They want it. Look.
Torrente?
For president!
Have you talked to your party leader?
I mean, the guy's ancient.
He's in rough shape, and I didn't want to upset him.
It might kill the guy, but he's gotta face facts.
We gotta give the people what they want.
Besides, if he doesn't like it, I'll start my own party.
So it's true. This guy's completely lost it.
Not like he was ever very grounded, but yeah. That's the case.
You're going to hate this.
They're everywhere.
What? You think I posted those myself?
-We have to own up to this. -What do you mean?
-Each of us. -Relax.
Time to get rid of this guy.
Throw him out and don't let him back in the building?
No. Was I not clear? I said get rid of him.
Get rid of him?
Do you mean get rid of him… as in get rid of him?
Yeah. Take him out. Make him disappear.
Crush him. Wipe him out. Kill him!
Do I gotta draw you a picture?
Focus on getting better. We'll handle it.
You better.
The place is packed!
Yeah. Wall-to-wall people, packed with proud Spaniards.
Torrente, I know you didn't believe in me.
-Honestly? I didn't. -And you thought I was a moron.
That's right.
Well, just so you know I'm serious, today I pulled off something historic.
What? You dressed yourself?
I got the most powerful man on earth to come
and back your campaign.
We're Atlético fans. Don't tell me it's Florentino.
No. Bigger than that.
Bigger?
He was backing my uncle,
but I convinced him you're exactly what Spain needs.
He can go on after me. Don't want him stealing my thunder.
Come on.
LONG LIVE EL FARY!
You can feel it. It's a testament. In the air, you can catch the scent.
Torrente?
For president!
You see? It's not just me saying it. It's you, the people.
Because you, the people, know best.
When I'm president, I'll govern for everyone.
Everybody who voted for me.
The rest will be third-class citizens.
Ladies and gentlemen,
United States President Donald Trump.
Holy shit!
He says he loves Spain.
He thanks you for inviting him.
The man, Josu Louis Torta.
Torrente.
Josu Louis Torrente.
Thank you.
Thank you for coming to support me.
Not that I really need it, but I appreciate it.
God bless America! Let's hear it for him.
God bless America.
Donald Trump!
Like the duck. He's yellow too.
Do you think I'm going to charge you for bringing over chewing gum
or whatever American stuff you want to sell here?
No. Exactly. So when we ship olive oil, don't hammer us with tariffs.
Him? This is Cuco.
He said something about being happy. He's very happy.
Hello. How are you? Thank you. How's it going?
Hi. How was everything while I was gone? Good? Well…
Thank you. How are you doing?
Welcome back, Jacobo.
Later. Now's not the time.
-Hello. How are you? -Good.
Welcome back, boss.
Good to have you back leading the charge.
We missed you out there.
Thanks, guys. Thank you.
TORRENTE WELCOMES TRUMP
-What the hell? -Turn it up. Quick.
Now you. Want some wine?
Sure. Whatever you want.
Get this man whatever he needs.
They say he's unfriendly, a stiff. But the guy's charming. Trump!
Easy, guys. We're good.
Best friends forever. Huh?
Get in here, Trump!
Trump's appearance was scheduled for next weekend.
We've been planning this for months.
-With your nephew. -With your nephew.
What happened? They should have taken Torrente out.
If they haven't done it yet, they're about to.
We hired people for the hit, just like you said.
People?
Yeah. Elite hit men.
Quit jumping around!
Anyway, it was incredible.
They're coming.
That American president, Trump, was exactly the endorsement we needed.
-The election's in the bag. -You said it.
I can already see us living in Moncloa.
We'll have to change the sheets first.
The socialists have been there for a long time.
They got me, Torrente.
Torrente!
Come on!
Take it easy. You might hurt yourselves.
We're gonna hurt you! Get him!
Stop!
You cowards! Scumbags! Come on!
What are you, communists?
I'm Spanish through and through!
No fucking way.
What are you doing?
-Kill him already! -I can't.
Great.
-What do you mean? -He's the future president of Spain.
-Thanks. -The guy on TV.
He's the only one who can save this country.
And I'd do anything for my country.
Right on.
Know what the problem is?
-What? -These two don't have the balls.
Scorpio, no! Scorpio!
Shit! I killed my buddy! Look what you made me do!
Watch out!
Scram!
Scram! Don't move, creature!
Damn, Torrente. You killed them all.
Yeah, kid. I had to get violent.
-Now we have to get the hell out of here. -What?
We can't just leave these people here.
-They've got watches and wallets. -That's true.
Look, this guy had cash.
Check it out, Torrente. This is a high-end one.
Yeah. And it's ringing.
-Hello? -Everything good?
Yeah, getting by.
You were supposed to call half an hour ago.
You went radio silent.
Did it go okay?
-What? -The job.
-What job? -You know… the job, the hit.
-What hit? -For fuck's sake! Did you kill Torrente?
Was it a telemarketer, Torrente?
No, kid. I recognized the voice. It was Rinrín.
-The dog? -No, that's Rin Tin Tin.
I took that kid under my wing.
He was like a son to me.
People can stab you in the back just like that.
Hell, even Caesar was killed by his own son.
What's that about your friend Caesar?
This is serious.
-They want to kill me. -Jeez.
I don't know how things could get worse for you.
MONCLOA PALACE (6 HOURS EARLIER)
PRESIDENT PEDRO VILCHES'S OFFICE
Spain needs me.
I'm irreplaceable.
You all need me.
Without me, you're a bunch of nobodies.
Pachi, you scared me. Ever heard of knocking?
This is urgent. Sorry. Have you seen this?
What? A new corruption report?
Oh no. We got that handled.
This Torrente guy.
Donald Trump is backing him.
I've got the people behind me.
Maybe not anymore.
What the hell's that?
The latest polls.
Ours or the real ones?
The real ones.
Torrente is beating you in the polls.
Come on, Pachi, do you really think the people would vote for an idiot?
Wouldn't be the first time, Pedro.
Look.
Democracy matters.
Coexistence is vital.
Rule of law is very important.
But the left and the progressive agenda come first.
We have to kill that guy.
Now!
Rinrín here and my man DJ Nano!
This one's for all my people out there!
Hands up!
What's up, kid?
Got any El Fary tracks?
-Torrente! -How's it going, Rinrín?
Why are you here?
I came to ask why the hell you were calling
the phone of one of the three pricks who tried to whack me tonight.
-Listen-- -No fucking way.
Kid, cover for your buddy. We're going for a walk, okay?
-Change the song. This sucks. -Want some flamenco?
Hell yeah. Lighten the mood! Life's already depressing enough.
-Torrente, calm down! Listen to me! -Let's go.
Listen to me, Torrente!
Just give me a second. I'll explain
They paid me to kill you, but I couldn't go through with it
Because you're a wimp.
That's why you had to hire someone to do it?
Well, they offered me money.
A lot of money, and I'm broke.
I've got gambling debts. I'm seeing a shrink.
I'm a sex addict.
Sex addict, my ass! You're just a horndog and a perv.
All I know is I couldn't do it.
You were like a father to me.
You hypocrite! A father? You never respected me.
When they asked me to do it…
Who put you up to it?
Some guys showed up at night. Guys wearing ties.
I'm pretty sure they were from that new political party, NOX.
They told me you'd gone off the rails. They didn't want to get their hands dirty.
I needed the money. For my issues.
You didn't just betray me. You betrayed the country.
I'm sorry. It won't happen again.
Besides, you know I've always been your best assistant.
What's he talking about? I've always been his best assistant.
Everybody knows it.
I'm sorry, Torrente. I won't do it again.
I can't stand seeing a man cry. Especially a punk like you.
-Get up. -Forgive me, Torrente.
Listen, kid, if you'd come to me with your problems,
I would've helped you.
I could have given you a job
as national social media coordinator or some shit like that.
Really, Torrente?
Hands.
It's terrible. My own people want to kill me.
What did you expect from those suits?
You're not like those snobs. You came up from the streets.
Hey! Watch it, kid. I've still got some class. The streets?
Just look at those guys. They're all Real Madrid fans.
Yeah, you've got a point.
I should have realized what those scumbags were up to.
People always find you irritating, but murdering you?
They botched it the first time, but they'll try it again.
They better not come here. We're ready.
You said it, Antoñito. Know what?
We don't need those Nox people.
We can start our own party. One with real balls.
The important thing is to come up with a catchy name.
-The Foundations. -The Seekers.
Those are already taken.
The Rascals.
It has to be an acronym.
TR.
The Government of the People. The GOP.
Can you knock it off?
MAGA. Modern Alliance for a Greater Administration.
Come on, are you stupid?
If brains were gasoline, you wouldn't have enough to power a moped.
GTA. Great Torrente Authority.
Nice one. You'd have enough gas for an electric scooter.
That DJ not only failed to kill Torrente.
He tried to blackmail us.
God damn it.
Only you would trust a screwup like that.
You think I order hits every day?
We need a plan B. I've never seen Carrascal so angry.
He'll want to get rid of his nephew next.
I'm leaving the country. You should too.
Come on, kid.
How can I leave when I'm this close to becoming president?
No, Torrente. If you stay here, you're dead.
Dead? You can't leave either. What's wrong? Don't you wanna be VP?
Wasn't I going to be VP?
Hey! You promised me, Torrente.
You said it'd be me.
Hey, relax.
This is Spain, in my government, there'll be a VP spot for everyone.
I'd rather stay alive than end up as a dead VP.
If you need me, I'll be in Abu Dhabi.
With the camels?
You got a zit on your forehead.
We're being attacked!
Antoñito!
I'm gonna clean this up. They're wrecking the place.
Antoñito!
Well, at least you won't be bugging me about the whiskey anymore.
Sounds like the shooting stopped.
-Go see what happened. -What are you talking about?
Didn't you see his brains get blown out?
How dare you disobey your president?
Go check! For fuck's sake!
Amparito?
Quick. We gotta get out of here. You're in danger.
My car's over there.
-Let's go! -Hey! Where are you going?
Who's gonna clean up this mess? There's a corpse in here!
We are. Of course! That's our job.
Right. Clean this crap up.
You drive, Torrente.
Want me to drive?
Hell no, kid! That's the last thing we need.
I know how you drive.
I can tell you're a woman just from the parking job, Amparito.
Good thing I showed up in time.
You saved our lives. We almost got killed by hit men.
Those weren't hitmen. They were cops.
President Vilches sent them.
He sent out a secret memo
to his loyal followers inside the force to take you out.
The government wants me dead too?
My cousin Rafi tipped me off, so I came to rescue you.
Look.
This is big. You have to warn Torrente.
They want to take him out. He's a wanted man.
I can't talk right now. I'll call you later.
We should report this.
If we do that, you're dead.
They've got men in every police station, every institution, every courthouse.
The corruption runs deep.
They don't want me as president because they don't want any competition.
I'd vote for you, Torrente.
You're getting me emotional.
I thought that after you ran off with Ricardito, you were done with me.
Torrente, you always meant something to me.
He only wanted my body.
After two years together, he dumped me for a younger chick.
-What a jerk. -He told me I wasn't hot anymore.
Come on. How rude.
Though, honestly, over the years,
you've gotten a bit… curvy.
We need to hide, Torrente.
It would be for the best. At least for a while.
We could go to my cousin Jesusín's.
He lives here now?
Yeah. He has a great job.
He squats in apartments then rents them out.
Let me drive.
No chance. We know what happens when you drive.
If something happened to you, I don't know what I'd do.
Truth is, I also have feelings for you, Amparito.
Wait, Torrente! My cousin's place is that way!
Back off, kid!
I'm gonna kill you!
It's not my fault you're a terrible driver.
-You did it again! -Don't you want to help your friend?
We're in a hurry. Quick. Let's go to your cousin's!
Not here, Mr. Torrente.
You're a troublemaker.
Get out of here, Cuco.
-Come on. -No. I have a legit job now.
Legit? You're squatting in apartments.
This apartment is legal.
Besides, I'm one of those people you can't touch. I'm untouchable.
Yeah, like Eliot Ness.
A protected population!
Protected, my ass!
You're just a scumbag.
-He gets government checks. -For being a moron?
He gets them for being a moron. I get them for having flat feet.
-I only get the minimum. -No wonder the country's going to hell.
Calm down.
Through the window.
Hurry, go out the window.
The cops?
No way! The cops never come here.
I think it's those anti-squatter guys. Don't worry. I've got this. Go.
Hello?
Torrente!
I got it! We can lay low at Moha's place.
The Arab? Over my dead body.
You've got me all wrong, Torrente.
I'm one of the good ones. Cuco says you need my help.
Nah, I don't trust him. An Arab is always an Arab.
A tiger can't change its stripes.
I'm not a tiger, Torrente. I'm your friend.
More like a fair-weather friend and a mooch.
You people come here to commit crimes and take over.
No, Moha came here to adapt, to live like any other Spaniard.
A Spaniard…
He even has an Atlético season pass.
Bullshit.
Yeah. Member number 164,927.
That's a really high number. Sounds fake to me.
-I swear-- -Don't lie to me, you fucking Arab.
Want to swear on something?
Swear on this.
I swear loyalty
to my friend Torrente.
You convinced me, kid.
We'll hide out at your place.
I feel like hugging him.
It was just a figure of speech.
You Arabs love touchy-feely stuff.
Make yourself at home, Mr. Torrente.
What's that thing there? It gives me the creeps.
My mother-in-law.
Hospitality is one of the biggest values in our culture.
Is everything okay?
Just great, ma'am. Thank you.
That's nice of you.
See, Torrente? They're good people.
Deep down, we're all the same, no matter our race or religion.
Listen. We're hiding out here until this blows over.
We have no choice.
But they're being very good to us.
When I'm president, they're all going back to their countries.
On the same boats they came over in.
You're unbelievable, Torrente.
Maybe we could give Moha a job.
Running the massive deportation program for migrant kids.
And why not?
Give his wife one too.
Someone's gotta clean toilets at Moncloa.
But the rest can go to hell.
I can already tell I'm gonna be a softie president.
By the way, Mr. Torrente,
we try to teach our beautiful traditions to our children.
-What do the kids do? Sing? -Mahmoud, Ahmed.
A true friend… proves himself in hard times.
-How beautiful. -Yeah, beautiful.
They left the perimeter. They're yours.
-These government people have lost it. -Give me a break. It's not the government.
You know socialists worship Arabs.
They even killed that mummy who was sewing in there.
Then it was your Nox buddies. You've got admirers everywhere.
Enough with the jokes. Let's move.
Let me borrow your phone.
-I gotta make a call. -My phone? I left it back at Moha's.
Crap. I have to call my friend Solís.
We need backup.
Look.
I just had an idea.
Hell of an idea, Torrente.
Stealing a kid's phone.
How could I take a kid's phone?
I'm running a campaign.
Until I get elected and get immunity, I can't do anything illegal.
-You're gonna steal it. -Me.
No one's looking.
-No way, Torrente. I feel bad. -Grab it. Come on!
-Hey! -Hey, that's my phone!
Oh no!
-Criminal! -Thief!
Torrente! Help me!
I didn't want to do it!
Torrente! The girls are killing me.
Hang in there, kid.
-I'll make a call. -Weakling!
-Thief! -Jerk!
Stop!
Solís?
Hey! What are you doing?
-Torrente. Thanks. -Help!
Do you know who I am? What are you doing?
-Get your hands off me! -Help me!
José Luis, talk to me. Are you okay?
Easy, buddy. I have the right to a lawyer. I know my rights.
Police!
Get these cuffs off me. Police!
What are you doing? Don't!
Where are we going?
Cuco, are you there?
Yeah, Torrente. I'm here. And you?
Of course I'm here, moron! You hear me talking, right?
Oh, right.
I think we've been kidnapped.
These government people have crossed the line.
Or the Nox guys, or whoever it is. I'm confused.
No idea. But we'll have to use my smarts to save us once again.
I have a plan.
As soon as they let their guard down… We'll pretend to obey them.
And when I give the word, we kill them and make a run for it. Okay?
Got it, Torrente.
These people don't know who they're messing with.
Now, kid, run! Now!
Take these hoods off before they kill themselves.
The cuffs.
We almost made it, Torrente.
Of course. It was an almost perfect escape plan.
Your nose looks like a bell pepper.
Huh?
Probably allergies.
And your hair's a mess.
No way. Hands off.
-Hey. -Easy!
Take it easy.
Oh my God… How rude.
This whole thing stinks.
This doesn't look good.
-What's that music? -Huh?
I've got a bad feeling about this.
Torrente.
Looks like we meet again.
Sorry, I don't believe we've met.
You know exactly who I am.
No. There must be a mistake.
You killed this guy's monkey back in Marbella.
Luis Alberto.
What monkey?
He bit your finger,
and you smashed his head against the edge of a table.
He should've gone for your jugular.
Actually, the monkey thing does ring a bell.
Since you're a little disfigured, I didn't recognize you at first.
But that was over 20 years ago.
You sure hold grudges.
-You beat that monkey to a pulp. -Drop it, Cuco.
Can't you see this guy's hurting over the loss of his monkey?
You brutally murdered Luis Alberto.
You ruined all my plans.
I spent a fortune on therapy
trying to get over the trauma you caused me.
It must've hit you hard, 'cause look how much time has passed
and you're kidnapping us…
If it were up to me,
I wouldn't have kidnapped you, I would've crushed you.
Nice and slow.
But, unfortunately, I've got orders to keep you alive.
So, you're not the boss?
No, there's someone above me.
So we're wasting our time with a pawn.
Come on. Take us to whoever's really in charge.
The grown-ups have to talk.
Pain. I see a lot of pain coming.
Let's go.
Hey, you know if this meeting is gonna take long?
'Cause I've got things to do.
I should have done some things to you too.
Do you two speak English?
I'm friends with Trump.
That's what I figured.
Put these on.
What's this for?
They go in your ear. Not up your ass.
Sir, the candidate's arrived.
Thank you.
No wonder. I'm trending. I'm all the country's talking about.
Because I was dragged here. Very rudely, I might add.
No idea.
Thank goodness.
When I become president, I'll have my Treasury minister pay you a visit.
That's what they say.
How are you, guys? Thank you.
Cheers.
Hold on. Careful. Sit down.
Come back!
NATIONAL POLICE
Morning, gentlemen. Relax. Everything's fine.
Come in.
Please stand up.
What's this, Pachi?
I could read you your rights, but you've lost them.
Who do you think you are? I'm the president!
President? Maybe in your glory days.
Come on. Take them away.
Let's go. Move it.
I want… Spain to be great again.
I want to restore it into the empire it once was.
Into that proud nation that stood tall.
And you want me to become a clown?
Your puppet? Give me a break!
Do you really think I'd be one of your puppets?
Never. Do you understand? Not a chance.
Are you sure?
One hundred percent.
Spain, my principles, and my dignity come first.
SPANISH CONSTITUTION
I swear.
Spain, your dignity, your principles?
What happened to all that?
You don't get it, kid.
Any self-respecting president can change course.
Come on, girls. Now the fun part.
Hello. How's it going? Want some?
I swear.
MINISTER OF HEALTH
Your Majesties.
I swear.
MINISTER OF CULTURE AND DEPORTATION
I swear.
MINISTER OF THE ELDERLY
I swear.
MINISTER OF INTELLIGENCE (BARELY)
We swear.
MINISTER OF SPORTS ATHLETIC AFFAIRS
I do.
MINISTER OF EDUCATION PROPAGANDA
I swear.
TREASURER
I swear.
ATTORNEY GENERAL
MINISTER OF THE INTERIOR
I swear.
SOCCER, BULLFIGHTING, AND FLAMENCO
MINISTER OF PUBLIC WORKS
I swear.
EVICTION AND HOUSING
IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE: THE STARS WHO PARTICIPATED SELFLESSLY
(SOME OF THEM EVEN GOT PAID)
What are you doing here?
Movie's over.
You're waiting to rub one out?
Right. Since the lights are off.
Though in some theaters those bastards turn them back on before the movie's over.
But let's get to it.
Focus. All together, okay?
You too, ma'am. Flick your bean.
Should we jerk off?
No politics, okay? No politics.
Torrente for president. I mean, look at what else is out there…
It went soft. Waited too long.
Subtitle translation by: Meredith Cannella