[Rock]
# Never found out why you left him #
# But this answer begs that question #
# Too blind to see tomorrow Too broke to beg or borrow #
# Span the distance # # Bridge the border #
# Beg forgiveness # # Round the corner again #
# One more point of contention #
# I need some intervention #
# Approaching failing tensions #
[Girl] Are you sure you don't wanna go to my room? [Boy] No. Why?
My roommate's already moved out. We'll be all alone.
All right. The door is locked.
Okay, Jim, relax. Relax. Okay, yeah, sure.
No strings attached, okay? It's just friendly good-byesex.
Yeah, right. Right, right, right, right.
Uh, yeah, but you see, it's just that, um,
we've never even had friendly hello sex.
So doyou not wanna do this? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, I do. Yeah. No, I definitely do.
Uh, it's just that,
you see, this is actually my first time.
Well, not my first. It's my first time,
uh, since my... first time.
So, technically, that's my second time.
And l-- I don't-- I don't wanna suck at it.
So if I'm not up to par, performance-wise--
Jim, this isn't exactly a turn-on.
I mean, girls like a guy with confidence.
Hey, I'm confident.
Oh, I am-- I'm absolutely, totally confident.
Oh? Yeah.
Let's get naked. Okay.
Seems likejust yesterday my dad picked me up after my first year at college.
- Mm-hmm. - We popped a couple of beers,
and he said, "Now, you're a man."
And today I get to say the same thing to my son.
Honey, your speeches embarrass him.
So, try and do what the kids say, and just... be cool.
I think I bring new meaning to the word "cool," honey.
That's his dormitory up ahead.
-= www.OpenSubtitles.org =-
Turn over. Okay.
Ow. [ Groans ]
Can't bring alcohol in the dorms. Oh, uh, good.
Thankyou, uh, Matt. I'm just here to surprise my sonim.
Now pin my leg up. What?
Pin my leg up, like this.
Uh-huh. Oh, yeah.
May be you can help me out, you know.
Okay.
Is that the one? No. There!
Oh, yeah, yeah! Oh, oh, oh, okay!
[ Shudders ] Now I remember.
I didn't do this foryou.
Thanks, dude.
[Dad] Where's my big guy? Oh, my God!
Oh, no. Hey-- [ Screams ]
-esus! -im, we got here a little early.
- Dad, get out! - I'll wait in the car.
Go, Dad! Oh, my-- Geez.
Was that your dad? Yeah.
- I'm so sorry. - For your own edification,
son, I just-- I'm not embarrassed.
- I am! - It's a perfectly normal thing for two--
- Dad, what are you doing? - This is human nature. Human nature at its best.
Son, everybody does it. Your mother and l-- Well, not so much anymore.
Got your favorite. Oh, my God! They're fucking!
- No! No! - Honey, honey, listen. No, no. I'm gonna take her--
Pleasejust go! Actually, ifyou wouldn't mind.
Honey-- I'll take her to the car.
[ Gasps ] [ Gasps ]
Hi, Mama. What?
- Natalie! - I'm Jim 's dad.
You must be the parents ofthis young lady.
I'm sorry I didn't get her name, but hopefully my son did...
because I have not been here the whole time.
[Man] Natalie, get dressed!
- Beer? - [Man] Avert your eyes! Turn around!
[Natalie] Thanks,Jim. You don't believe in locks? Oh, my God.
# More time apart will give you a few more months to argue #
# Is this too much to live through It always seemed to far to #
# Drive the point home # # Send more letters #
# Pray tomorrow # # Ends up better ##
Heya, fuckface.
- Mornin', dude. - ome on, Ozzy. It's show time.
Ozzy, before you go to Ann Arbor to pick up Heather, I wanna show you what you're missing.
See what they are today, dude. See what they are today.
Okay, here wego. Moment oftruth.
Ooh!
There's little hearts on her panties! Super.
There's little hearts on her panties! ome on, look, you pussy. Look.
What the fuck, man? ome on!
I'm disappointed in you. Here it is, the end ofour freshman year and you screwed one girl.
One. [ huckles ]
You're a disgrace to men everywhere.
Look at the Stifmeister. I got laid 23 times this year,
and I'm not counting the hummer I got in the library stacks, baby.
All right, here's a new idea foryou, Stifler, okay?
You find a girl. You two become best friends.
You don't bother counting how many times you have sex with each other.
- You just laugh at the people that do count. - Here's a new idea foryou.
I'll get you a spoon so you can eat my ass.
Okay, people. Notebooks closed. Let's get this exam rolling.
Holy shit, dude. We got an exam today?
You kiddin' me?
Bullshit. [ Scoffs ]
Yes! I'm never even gonna think about political science again.
Hey. How'd you do?
Oh, fine. Yeah?
I Can't believe I'm doing this summer abroad thing. Last thing I need is more classes.
You're gonna have a great time. [Boy] Hello, summer!
Did that exam blow or what? Yeah, it sucked.
Ozzy! Kev, what's up, man? How are you?
Good. Put your party hat on.
Wegot 12 weeks of immortality ahead. Yes, sir!
Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
Weird.
Ah, the one thatgot away, huh, son?
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, evidently you two made quite the handsome couple on the lnternet.
Oh, I didn't see it.
It, uh, was brought up at a P.T.A. meeting.
Anyway, my point is,
these little sexual debacles should not get you down, because you know what?
It happens to the best of us. In fact,
the first time your mother and l... got together,
[ Low Moan ] I used a condom.
Well, she referred to it as "shrink wrapping."
[ huckles ]
But I got over it.
Anyway, keep your chin up. You keep plugging...
and, uh, good things will happen.
Good to have you home, son.
It's good to be home, Dad.
[Kevin] It'sgonna be nice to hit Stifler's tonight afterexams.
Did you get through 'em? There's the mystery man!
[Kevin] Finch, howareyou? Kevin. Konichiwa.
James. Konichiwa. Konichiwa.
It'sapanese.
It means "hello." Hello.
- Finch, what happened to Latin? - I met aapanese girl at the art museum.
hanged majors. Wanted to understand all those things she was moaning.
-You got laid in an art museum? -The Met.
- Oh, and the Guggenheim with Francesca. - The Guggenheim?
And then my social-psych professor in Baskin-Robbins.
- All right, enough, Finch. - But I'll tell you, none ofthese women...
even compare to--
[ All ] Stifler's mom.
Stifler's mom is a goddess.
How about some more of Stifmeister's collegiate concoction?
This thing is like halfalcohol. You'rejust trying to get me drunk.
[ huckles ] Mary, would I do that?
My name's hristy. hristy, right, right. Beautiful name.
Like it matters. Hey, how you doing? Hey.
Howdy-howdy, fuckin' partners!
Johnny ., how's it going? Good to see you.
Oh, looks like someone gained a freshman 1 5.
This'll help. You're an asshole.
[DoorbelIRings] Missed you too.
All right, everybody having a good time? Ladies.
Fellas! How's it going?
The keg's back there as always. Enjoy.
Ladies, I'm Steve Stifler and I have an 1 1 -inch penis...
around!
Think about it. Sherman!
Okay, Stifler, take your shot. Ha, ha.
ome on, man. I'm really happy to see you.
All right. You stupid fuck.
Hey. Hey, are you Steve Stifler?
- Yes, I am. - Well, thank you for throwing this awesome party, man.
- No problem. - Yeah, the cops bust all our parties now.
Well, I put the word out...
so high-school chicks would come.
Just 'cause you fuckers don't have dicks doesn't make it right for you to be here, you know.
- Uh, hey, man, could I askyou a question? - Sure, son.
Is it true that Paul Finch nailed your mom?
Sons of bitches.
My mom's a saint!
Go sucksome dick!
Hey, arlos,ason. What's going on? Keg's back on the deck.
Hey, how's lowa State?
Did you see those fuckers I had to boot outta here?
Yup. Back at Stifler's. It's just like old times. One difference.
We're college men now.
Some ofthese girls are from the grade below us.
I might actually have a chance.
Hey, I rememberyou.
Oh, do you now?
You're that guy who blew his load on the lnternet.
[Both Laughing]
Splat. "Oh, wait, Nadia, don't go." Splat.
Pathetic. Loser.
It's exactly like old times.
I'm gonna miss you. I'll miss you.
I'll call you when I get in, okay?
Go have fun. Okay.
Bye. Bye-bye.
[Jim] lcan't believe those two girls, Kevin.
[Kevin] Jim, it'snot a big deal. No. Yeah.
They toyed with my emotions.
Hello. Hello. See? There's other girls.
- How are ya? - You got nothing to worry about, man.
Hey,essica's here.
With Vicky.
And Vicky got... hot!
What's that supposed to mean?
Look at her.
Yeah,Jim, lsee her. Hey, Kevin.
I'll be right back.
Hey, Vic, how are you? What's up?
I'm okay. Yeah, I'm good.
That's good. It's good to hear. Yeah, you too.
Wow.
Well, this is about as comfortable as a high colonic in Tijuana.
And I would know. Okay.
I'm gonna get a drink. She's right.
Why is this so weird? Actually, l-l have no idea.
See, I knew it. I knew you'd be mature about this.
You know, and we could still be friends, right? Yeah.
I miss you, Kev.
Whoa.
Friends, right?
Yeah, right. I mean, I know you said friends and l-- I just--
I'm sorry. I was-- It wasjust...
an oldhabit-- a friendkiss.
- Are you sure? - Vic, why wouldn't I wanna be friends with you?
Look, we'll-- we'll just do this, okay?
Friends. Friends.
Ozzy! Myman! There he is.
Shake off your chains of monogamy. You're a free man.
I don't think so. You know I'll never turn over to the dark side.
Dumb ass. What happened to the 'nova I knew in high school?
'Nova, as in asanova? The guy who had all the moves?
Yeah, he was an idiot. Yeah, but he was my idiot.
Hey, everyone! Listen up!
'Nova's back, baby!
And he's taking the locks off his cock!
Ozzy, I'm lobbing you a soft ball here.
Pull out your bat and take a swing. Mandy.
This is my friend Oz.
All-state lacrosse three years in a row.
Hey, Oz. Hi, Mandy. How are you?
Listen, I have a girlfriend.
It was a pleasure meeting you.
Beer out back.
You pussy!
Stifler's mom's room.
How did you do that magic you did?
Tantra.
What the fuck are you doin' in here?
-ust relax. - You get out of my house!
Jesus hrist! ome back here, you little fucker!
Come back here, you son ofa bitch! Take it easy.
Whoa! Hey! Hey! Easy! Easy! That's enough.
Okay, guys, we went through this last summer, all right?
Finch got a black eye and Stifler got six stitches. 'ause you fuckin' bit me!
- You touch me, I bite. - You two relax and shake hands.
Shake this! Hey.
Finch. I need a drink.
Why is everybody taking a piss right now?
The line's too long. I ain't gonna make it, man. You'll be okay. Relax.
Hey, bro. Hey, man, you're the guy who boned Stifler's mom.
Hey, you are a god. Holy shit, dude.
If I didn't have to hold my dick 'cause I gotta piss so bad, I would shake your hand.
I'm honored, guys. Don't leave.
You must teach me. How? How?
Oh, look what I found, hristy.
Oh, what a coincidence.
I've been saving this for a special occasion...
for a special girl, just like you.
You're so sweet. That's what they say.
Oh, weird.
Oh, my God. I spilled some on you.
May be I should mop that up. Thanks.
No problem. Whoa! Whoa, hey.
Take it slow. ome on. Right.
You know, they warn us about these situations in college.
Now, you may be intoxicated.
Oh, yeah.
Are you certain that you wish to engage in "consensing"--
Hey, don't count your chickens, buster.
I'm just playing by the rules, baby. I make the rules.
That's a pretty good fucking rule.
Dude, the line's too long. I'll never make it.
It's gotta happen now. Get my back. Go, bro.
Iamp it off. Hello.
- Oh, Laurie. How are you? - [ Groaning ]
Hey. How are you? Hi, Lori.
- Good. I'm really good. - How 'bout I give you a little champagne?
- Why don't you go downstairs and get us a couple beers? - I've got a surprise foryou.
Iose your eyes and get ready. Oh, I'm ready.
[ Giggles ]
You want a beer? Yeah, all right.
Mmm.
Okay, go.
This is kind of kinky, and I like that.
[ Grunts ]
Ohhh! That's it. Bathe the Stifmeister.
[ Sighs ]
Oh, that's great!
Oh, that's great.
How did you get it so nice and warm?
- [ Sighs ] - [ Moans ]
I can taste the bubbles.
Actually, I can't.
Much better.
Wait a second.
Let's go. Thanks, man.
hristy?
Oh, fuck!
Yep. Half of these got East High parking passes on 'em.
Break up another one. all a couple units.
Isn't this the Stifler house? Yeah. You ever seen Mrs. Stifler?
Oh, what a "milf." Oh, yeah?
[Jim] Okay, now,
do these high school kids think that we're cool because they're at a college party,
or are we those weird older guys that try to hang out with high school kids when we come home?
No way. We're definitely not those guys. [Boy] Cops!
- ops! - [Man] Allright!
Break it up. Party's over.
Let'sgo. Ostreicher, Meyers.
- Welcome back. - Where's Steve Stifler?
I got peed on.
[Kevin] No, man, Stifler'sgotshut down.
We can't party anywhere anymore.
And things are--
Getting weird? Yeah, a little bit.
First summer back from college.
Yep, things are gonna get weirder.
- What are you talkin' about? - Well, times change, people change.
It's just what happens, you know.
Kev, listen. Go into my old room.
My friendsandlknew that it was up to us to stick together.
You remember my first collegesummer? We rented that lake house in GrandHarbor.
We treated every day out there like it was a post-promparty.
Hellofa time. We cappedit all off with a massive blowout.
Best ever. It waslegendary.
My advice is do that. Bythe end of the summer,
you'regonna see the bigpicture.
# I love adventure Nothing's better to me ##
[Foot steps Approaching] [Knocking]
She's on the phone. She's on the phone. It's long distance.
Who? Nadia! Nadia!
What? New York. She's on-- Hello. Yes, dear, he's right here.
Here. Wait. Now remember--
Yes, I am sure to go see the Lion King.
Right. And don't ride the subway after midnight. Okay.
I know they've done wonderful things with that city, but, you know, for me--
- Dad! - He's right-- Hang on.
Hey-- Hey, Nadia. Jim!
How was college? ollege was excellent.
Yeah. Yeah, it was-- it was really excellent.
You have not forgotten about me, have you?
No. I, uh-- Absolutely not.
I definitely didn't. Good, because guess what?
I'm coming to see you at the end ofsummer.
I hope you're ready for me...
because I have not forgotten about you either, you sexy boy.
[Jim] Shit. [Finch]Jim, you can eat hot dogs tomorrow.
No, no, Finch, it's not the hot dogs.
Nadia called me this morning.
She's coming here at the end ofthe summer and she wants to see me.
- Oh, that's killer. - Yeah, that's a good thing.
No, not "good thing." Not "killer."
I'll never be able to do it.
Nadia is gonna be expecting filet mignon.
Okay, and all I'm gonna be able to give her...
is rump roast.
Aw, come on. Jim, you've had experience since Nadia.
Ah, yes, you would be referring to...
the flute-fetish band geek that made me her bitch and then ditched me after prom.
Yes, that's great experience. That's the one.
Ah, you just gotta find the right girl,imbo.
Brings it all together. [Finch] lhadthe right woman.
Shejust sells her cottage and takes off to parts unknown.
Oh, my romantic life has past its peak.
Take me out to the pasture and shoot me.
Super start to a super summer, fellas. Welcome home.
Guys, I got it. Packyour bags.
- For what? - We're moving to the lake.
We're gonna be the shit. Everybody on the beach is gonna know us.
Plenty of opportunities to practice for Nadia.
Throw a huge party at the end ofthe summer to cap it all off.
Dude, that's a great idea. That way we'll be able to welcome Heather back...
and we'll be able to prepare for Nadia's big arrival.
This is it. This is my summer of love.
Just thought I'd say good-bye to you animals.
Hey, Mr. Levenstein. How are you, sir? Hey.
- All packed up I see. - Yeah, we're all set, Dad.
Don't worry, okay? I'llbe fine.
ome on and give your old man a hug.
- Keep it real, homies. - You too, sir. Have a good summer.
All right, let's go.
I've been running these numbers here and I don't think the four ofus can afford this place.
- Not on summerjobs. - Well, I kind ofthought ofthat.
So... Invited someone else.
Oh, yeah! The Stifmeister's coming back to Grand Harbor!
Deck the halls! Bye-bye, Great Falls!
Wipe my ass and lick my balls!
It's Stifler time, baby! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
[Rock]
Stifler, ifyou're gonna be living with us you gotta behave yourself.
All right, you and Finch just stay out ofeach other's way.
Kevin, Stifler's stench is unavoidable.
Finch, fist yourself. [ huckles ]
That's right, baby. We're here.
Yeah, baby, we're here!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
# 'Cause we like having fun at other people's expenses #
# Cutting people down is just a minor offense #
# It's none of your concern I guess I'll never learn #
# I'm sick of being told to wait my turn #
# I don't wanna waste my time #
# Become another casualty of society #
# I'll never fall in line #
# Become another victim of conformity ##
It's a palace. It's a temple.
Isn't this great?
Ah, dude. Are you kidding me?
[Rock]
Thisjust won't do.
# I'll do everything #
# But you're not that way #
# I'm lost around you #
# And you'll do everything with the same old lies #
# When I can't even try #
# Yeah, you get me high I'm feeling so low #
# How far will you let me go #
# Yeah, you get me high I'm feeling so low #
# I'm knocked down by the vertigo #
Guys.
heck this out. This is it.
# I fall behind you #
# I'll make the same mistakes with the same old lies ##
[ Chanting ]
Will you idiots tell me what this fucker's doin'?
[ Gasps ]
Don't touch me while I'm tantric.
"Tantric"? What the fuck is tantric?
It's a Buddhist discipline. You learn to channel your body's energies--
your chakras.
When you can do that, you can have sex for hours, even days.
-And this stuff's for real? -It's been around for centuries.
With tantra you can make an entire session ofsex...
feel like one giant orgasm.
eventually, you can sustain that feeling by meditating.
Well, may be you can teach me sometime? Very doubtful.
True. ome on,im.
You can't possibly be that bad. Oh, no?
No way.
Well, I guess there's only one person that really knows for sure, huh?
Oh, yeah? Where's she thissummer?
[Whistle Blowing]
[ Marching Band ]
Hey, areyou here for the mid-session performance?
Guests go in the amphitheater. You can't be here.
Do you know where I could find Michelle Flaherty?
Guests bring food. Food attracts animals. This one time,
a bearcame, andthen the bear hadto be destroyed,
which means they shot it in the head with a rifle and killed it and it died.
You must know Michelle.
One, two, three, four.
[Flute]
That's a lot offlutes.
[Bell Clanging] [ hattering ]
Good luck. Thanks. Good job.
Have fun atyournext class.
Hey, Michelle.
Jim. Holy potatoes!
You're really here? [Man] Everybody stick together.
Oh, shoot! We're-- We're not supposed to have visitors,
'cause this one time, uh... here,
this kid had these cookies--
Let me guess. A bear came. ool.
It's like you know all our stories.
Oh. Was that a question?
I don't know. May be.
Do you wanna answer it anyway? Michelle, um,
I left you like, uh-- Iike three messages after prom.
Really?
You didn't think I was weird because ofthe way I acted that night?
Weird, no.
Surprising, yes.
I get nasty when I'm horny.
That's kind of why I'm here.
Um, you remember,
was I any good... that-that night?
Oh, wow. Geez.
How could I forget?
You sucked. You didn't know what the hell you were doing.
But wasn't it fun even though you were so terrible?
I'm sorry. "Terrible"? I've had worse.
Oh. Oh, sorry. I--
I-l could give you some pointers ifyou want.
Really? [Bell Clanging]
Oh. Oh, shoot. Okay, wait here. I'll meet you in an hour, okay?
Yeah. Oh, wait.
ool idea.
Hey!
- What are you doing? - Ow!
- Ooh. Ooh. - [ Moaning ]
You're all right. Here we go. You know you're not supposed to be here now.
Everyone's supposed to be in the amphitheater. All right. ome on. [ Mumbling ]
It's piss-poor to be this late. I'm very angry right now.
You can tell by the tone of my voice I'm angry. I'm pissed off is what I am.
Here theyare. Cut 'em off. Go, go.
Wait a minute. Are you Petey?
Petey? Uh, yeah, sure.
Petey! Well, that explains everything.
All right. Well, it's always something with these kids. Go!
Petey, we arejust so thrilled to have you. None of my kids are at your caliber.
Watch that. But we arejust so overjoyed to have someone with your kind oftalent here.
Oh, great. [ Boy ] Here you go.
That's great. Oh, look at this. Your old best friend. ome on. Move.
I know it's not yours, but you are going to make beautiful music.
Here we go. This is fantastic. I'm very excited.
You just own this and break a leg.
All right, all right.
[CrowdApplauding]
-What was he doing out wandering around unsupervised? -Who knows?
I'll tell you something. I'm about fed up with these Tall Oaks North kids.
[Trombone Playing Slowly]
Kids, entertain yourselves. Play along with Petey.
No, no, no, no, Petey. Here we go.
All right, all right. ome on, now. A little encouragement.
Right to this spot.
Folks, he's just a little nervous.
This isn't right.
Just blow on it, kid. All right.
Here we go.
Uh-- [Girl] Come on, Petey.
Play! Do something.
[ Honking ]
Special, my ass.
ome on. Give the little guy some support.
[ All Murmuring Agreement ]
Come on, Petey. You're doinggreat, partner.
[Woman] Come on, honey. You can do it.
ome on, Petey.
Oh, what the hell.
Yeah! [ huckles ] All right!
All right, Petey! Play it, man! ome on! [im ] Yeah!
Rock and roll!
Whoo!
[ Off-key ]
[CrowdGasping]
Thankyou!
Thankyou, Tall Oaks. You're beautiful.
My name is Petey!
Thankyou!
And I have gigantic balls!
- [ rowds Falls Silent ] - [Microphone Feeding Back]
I--
- Michelle-- - Not now! ome back later. Go!
[ScatteredLaughter]
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. ome back here!
I wanna talk toyou! You are so sweet.
He is... special.
He's my bitch.
Well, Michelle has confirmed it.
I suck. What?
I gotta get some practice.
Don't worry about it. I mean, that's why we got the house,imbo.
We plop a keg on the deck, and the girls come in offthe beach.
It's like a hummingbird feeder.
You think so? I know so.
Guaranteed hotties.
Fellas, nice pad.
Good view, but...
the Sherminator sensors detect no female life-forms in the vicinity.
High likelihood of a sausagefest in progress.
The girls are comin'. I made some calls.
Yeah.
The Sherminator's got a point, Kev.
Since when do you start listening to the Sherminator?
Since he made me realize there's an abundance ofwiener here.
I mean, look around, dude. Dude?
[ Vicky] Allright, nowit'syourturn.
[Oz] Oh, come on. There'snothing to tell.
Hey, what's up? What are you guys talking about?
You know, we'rejust trading war stories about college--
who hookedup with who, who slept with who--
So, Vicky?
Well, there was this one guy. How 'bout you?
Oh, you know, there was a few girls-- three.
Ooh, look at you. You stud.
Allright, Oz. Nowthat Kevin told us, what aboutyou?
You haven't hadthe slightest bit ofattraction to any girl at school?
Don't you fuckin' say no. I know you did.
even if l did,
it wouldn't be anything more than just a momentary thing.
Very... uninteresting. And how about you, Jessica?
-How many chicks did you sleep with this year? -Gee, wouldn't you like to know.
- Fuckyeah, I would. - [ huckles ]
- ome on, Ozzy. - Yeah, man. Ball. Pool's yours.
- Hey, Vic, you wanna play? - Yeah, sure. You wanna break?
What the--
Where are the fuckin' females?
Jim, can'tyou leave your shirt on? You'rescaring the chicksaway.
[Oz] Dude, give him a break.
Ozzy, go deep. Yeah, bro. You playing?
No.
No, no, keep going. Flag pattern.
- What are you doin'? - Fishin'.
[ Groaning ] Are you okay?
- You okay? - Oh, man, I'm so sorry. Is everybody okay?
[Chattering lndistinctly]
- Amazing. - [Stifler] Yes.
The Force is strong in that one.
Whoa.
The Sherminator detects seriousheat at a distance of two meters.
Prepare to deploy beer.
Sherman, dude,
Iet me give you a valuable piece ofadvice, okay?
Drop the whole "Sherminator" thing.
Please repeat previous statement.
Look, I know your last name is Sherman, right?
And that rhymes with The Terminator which was a big hit movie ten years ago.
But you can't tell me a girl's ever really gone for it.
System overload. Hasta la vista, essica.
What a freak.
[ huckling ]
Vic, hey, you guys are leaving?
You know, we barely had a chance to hang out, you know, catch up.
Well, what are you doing this weekend? I can get together.
ool. Let's hang out. All right.
Bye, Kev. See ya,ess.
No, no, that's all wrong.
Thankyou. Have a nice day. Good-bye.
So what does he mean, "meet up"? You know, like hang out,
grab lunch, whatever.
I told you, we'rejust friends now. And he totally understands.
Oh, yeah, I'm sure he understands quite well. He does.
Oh, no, sir. These are all wrong foryou. I mean, seriously.
Sure. Well, we're friends.
But it's not like I see her making plans with anyone else. Right.
I don't see her with a boyfriend. I think that puts me on deck.
- [ Laughs ] - Hey, Vicky only slept with one guy since we went out.
Imean, that like makesme 50% of herentireguy-relatedlife.
You dipshit.
She didn't sleep with one guy. She slept with at least three.
- What? - When a girl tells you how many guys she slept with,
multiply it by three and that's the real number.
[Laughs] Didn 'tyou fuckers learn anythingat college?
Look, he did not sleep with three girls, okay?
Much like Sly and the Family Stone aren't gonna dance on in here...
and gang-bang me between the Afros and the bell bottoms, okay?
It's not gonna happen.
Kevin Meyers did not sleep with three girls at Michigan.
But why would he lie to me? It's not a lie. It's an adjustment. The rule ofthree.
The rule ofwhat? Three.
A guy tells you how many girls he's hooked up with, it's not even close to that.
Take that number anddivide it bythree. Thenyouget the realtotal.
So, if Kevin's saying it's been three girls, it's more like one, or none.
- None? - Rule ofthree.
It's an exact science, consistent as gravity.
Ozzy, I'm happy foryou.
At least you've seen a nice bod while Heather's offsucking dick.
Sifler, keep your fantasies to yourself.
Dude, use your fuckin' brain.
"Oh, I'm an American college chick. La, la, la.
"Your European cultural shit is so charming.
"Ooh, hey. Hot Spanish guy. Love your accent.
Love your ding-dong."
I'm telling you, man, right now there is a dick in your girlfriend's mouth.
Knock it off. What'd I say?
[ Giggling, hattering lndistinctly ]
Oh, my God!
Guys! heck it out. Lesbians.
Lesbians live here.
You know, Mr. Homophobic Wizard,
that it is possible for women to holdh ands and not begay.
Friends can hold hands.
Hey, Finch, I don't wanna hear about you and your boyfriends. Gojerk off.
Unnecessary.
Tantra teaches you to hold an orgasm over time...
in anticipation ofan ultimate moment...
to release it upon the world.
I'm filling up to the brim.
That's fucking disgusting! Oh, I'm gonna throw up.
[ Guitar: Spanish ]
[ Ringing ]
- Hello? - Hey, Heather. You're in!
- Oz! - How's the studying going?
I'd hardly call it studying.
I've been going to the Picasso Museum,
hanging out at Sagrada Familia,
going with Pierre to the Parc Guell.
Hey, who's Pierre? One ofthe guys in the program.
He's got a girlfriend back in France, so we've kind of got something in common.
Ah, that sounds cool.
Yeah, I've overheard them on the phone at night.
And, uh, well, it made me think.
Hey, Oz, I'm reaching under my shirt, and I'm rubbing myself. Oh ho ho ho!
Oz, come on. It's phone sex. Help me out here.
Okay. Uh--
I'm going over to my bed.
Yeah. And I'm lying down.
And I'm slowly...
reaching downstairs.
Grab it. Tell me how big it is.
Listen, Heather, I'm feeling kind of awkward. Oz.
Ifwe can't physically be with each other, then we have to learn to be more vocal.
Right? Right. Okay.
Okay, here we go. I'm reaching in my pants now.
And I'm rubbing it foryou, Heather.
[ Sighs ] And it feels so good.
Yeah, me too. Oh, yeah.
I got-- [ Beeps ]
all waiting.
Oh, shit. Hello?
[ Man Speaking ln Middle Eastern Dialect ] Wrong number.
[ ontinues Speaking ]
Hey. Hello. Wrong number. [ ontinues ]
All right, look, man. I got my hand on my dick right now, okay,
and I'm trying to have sex with my girlfriend over the phone.
Emir, good foryou, man. [ Middle Eastern Dialect ]
Okay. Hey.
Sorry about that. Where were we?
I thinkyou were reaching for something.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, Heather. I'm rubbing it and it feels so good.
Hey, Oz, I'm touching myself. What else do you want me to do?
[ Stifler lmitating Oz ] Oh, Heather, baby.
Why don't you tell me my dick is as big as Stifler's.
- Stifler, get off! - I am getting offjust listening to the two ofyou.
- Keep going. - I think we should try this another time.
Yeah, all right. Bye-bye. I love you.
- I love you. - ome on, you guys. I was almost there!
- Nice talking with you, Steven. - Stifler, man!
[ Scoffs ] Repressed.
[Rock]
[ Giggling ]
heck it out.
Potential lesbians leaving the building.
Allright. Nowis mychance.
I need confirmation. Stifler. Hey, man, what are you doing?
- [ Groans ] Go get him. - You ass. Stifler, get out.
Stifler? Stifler.
Stifler?
Oh, shit, dude! lfounda dildo!
- Stifler. - Big blue rubber dicks for everyone!
- The people demand rubber dicks! - Finch, help.
Dildo, dildo, dildo!
- What are you doing? - I'm looking for more lesbian artifacts.
Where'd you get this? Finch's ass.
Oh, my God. Shit! Guys, they're back.
Stall 'em!
ome on. ome on!
- ome on. ome on. - This is awesome!
Danielle, Amber, hi. Hey.
Just needed the paper, huh? Mm-hmm.
Which room? W-Which room? I can't remember shit. I was too excited.
- I'm in a lesbian stronghold. - Was it in here?
- Shit, man. Why are you asking me so many questions? - Was it in here?
May be. What do you mean "may be"? Was it or was it not here?
Happy painting, boys.
You gotta get out ofthere.
They're inside. Oh, shit balls.
- Very original, Steven. - Don't call me Steven.
Ow!
[ Danielle ] I can wear that little leopard bikini of mine.
[Amber] llove that one. It'sso cute onyou.
Help unzip me, please. Oh, yeah.
Okay. Thanks.
-Hey, have I shown you my cute little pink shoes? -Does it match the pink bikini?
They're getting naked.
Cute. Thankyou.
[ Both Laughing ]
- Oh, shit. She's de-pantsing. - Oh, man.
Wait a minute. Theycan't hear us inside? We won't cross over their radio oranything?
[ Kevin ] No, man. These work on a .B. frequency.
This girl is so hot.
Two possible lesbians in their bras and panties.
- Lesbians? - Uh--
- [ ashier ] Did you say lesbians? - Hot lesbians!
Don't touch me. I'm not.
That better not have been what I thought it was.
[Amber] This is not gonna fit. Look at you and look at me.
Too big. I'll get you the blue stringy number.
Johnny West is missing.
May be you kicked it under the bed.
- Okay, let me look. - Wait. Didn 'tyou have it when we were downstairs?
Oh, may be.
[ hattering ]
Guys, get the hell out ofthere right now.
ome on. ome on.
It's clear! Go, go, go!
They're coming back.
Oh, I'mjustsoglad lfoundhim. He's my favorite collectible.
Iknow.
[ Blows Kiss ]
Hey, guys, we got nothing to worry about.
I just remembered. I got that dildo from the other bedroom.
Holyshit! There's a dildo in my drawer.
Oh, my God! You could have asked me if you wanted to borrow it.
Stop it. Shh!
- [Closet Doors Banging] - [Muttering]
What the hell was that? I don't know. all 91 1 .
[ All Pleading ]
No 91 1 . Don't call the police.
My God, it's the painting kids. I'm still calling the cops.
Okay, no, no, no. This isn't right.
Okay, look. Stifler did break in here. You dick!
But wejust followed him in to get him out.
[ Both Scoff ]
I just wanted proof that you chicks are really lesbians.
You wanna mess with 'em?
Yeah, it'll be fun.
Let's do it. Let's do it.
You guys... Iike that?
Ozzy, stand by for confirmation.
That's a big 1 0-4 on the confirmation.
Sounds like your little friends outside wanna play too.
You won't be needing this.
Who wants me to touch Amber?
- [ Man ] I do, I do. - Who the hell is that?
Who's this?
Uh, this isohn... Smith.
I'm turning off my radio now.
Okay. [ huckles ] Where should I touch Amber?
Ass, baby. Feel that ass!
Okay. [ Giggles ]
[ Sighs ] That's nice. Oooh.
I know. You feel his ass first.
Excuse me?
Yeah, yeah, I like that. That's good. It's good.
Yeah, so I got some painting I should, uh-- It's--
Jim, hold on. I can handle it.
What? Stifler, I'm comfortable with my sexuality.
And I would love to see that show.
Bravo!
[ Both Groan ]
One finger... on the cheek.
We want...
palm... grasping.
Oh, that's too much. No, no, no.
You don't touch, we don't touch.
- Squeeze his ass, son. You'll like it. - [ Danielle ] ome on, boys.
Jesus hrist. Oh, shit. [ Groans ]
I'm touching his ass. I'm touching his ass.
Red Leader, what's your position?
I'm touching his ass. I'm touching his ass. Mommy!
You can go.
That really wasn't bad.
I wanna go home. [Amber] That's too bad.
[ Giggling, Sighing ]
Never mind. I'm staying.
Danielle is feeling my breasts.
No way, dude!
Her breasts are so luscious. What a wonderful christmas gift you bought the boys.
[ Amber ] My nipples are so hard.
[ Girls Giggling ] I think I can fix these.
[ Shudders ]
[Jim] SweetJesus.
Your turn.
Oh, yeah!
No, no, no. Mm-mm.
Him.
Kiss.
Dude, no.
Wait. What? Oh, yeah. You want more?
We want more. Go get him, tiger.
- You're gonna love it. - [Danielle] Do it forus.
Okay, dude.
One, two,
three. [Girls Groan]
- That doesn't even count. - That totally counted.
- That's how you kiss your mother. - Don't you say anything!
Make it real. You do that,
we'll do anything you want.
- A-A-Anything? - Anything.
Anything. Anything.
You better like it.
Promise. I promise.
I wouldn 't lie.
ome on.
[ Groans ]
That is what I'm talkingabout.
Ah, Kev, you can look.
Ooh!
[Laughing]
[Amber] That's it.
Where'syourtongue?
Good boys.
[Danielle] Verygood. Dude, you're a fuckin' lousy kisser.
What? I wasn't trying!
That'snot fair!
I wasn't trying there. I'm really--
I'm not-- Nojudgment.
[Amber] Nope. Wait a second. You were trying?
Fuck no! You were trying!
Oh, my-- That's disg-- Oh, I kissed im!
Silence. Silence. Silence!
[Fitch] Ladies. Yes?
As you were.
Here we go. Let's do it.
Ooh. Ahh.
[ Danielle ] Amber!
[ Amber Giggles ]
Them girls sound like the two transvestites we picked up in Biloxi, ooter.
Honey, come on. Food's ready. I'm not hungry!
I can't--
I can't believe it. Okay, okay, just do it.
Ooh! Oh.
Oh, God. It was worth it.
Hello! Oh!
Whoo!
Uh, Amber.
Okay, I think that's enough. That's good.
I want more. Hell, yeah.
Yeah. I want more, too, baby.
Mm-hmm.
We're gonna get more physical as soon as we get some--
- Hand jobs. - Okay!
- Hand jobs. - You, do him.
We love to watch.
I'm sorry? [Amber] Yeah.
You go. You go. We go. We go.
[Danielle Chuckling]
[Amber] Don't be a wimp.
Okay. It's okay. I know what I have to do.
I need to keep this party goin'.
I'm takin' one for the team.
Mother of God! ome on, you pussies. We had 'em.
I am not touching that. Put that thing away, Stifler.
Why can't you guys be team players, huh?
I was the one doin' all the sacrificin'.
Whoo!
And now, for our devoted listeners,
back to the show.
Amber, let me try that dildo.
[Oz] Okay. Now wait just a minute.
Stifler wanted to give you two hand jobs?
No. Stifler wanted one from us.
- What? Bullshit. - No, he did, okay? And it was horrible.
Very horrible.
You guys, you wanna play some "asshole"?
[Jim] Just watching thegame, Kev.
Hey, I just wanna do something together.
We just did something together.
Very together. [Stifler] Ho ho ho.
Stifler laus is here.
Now, just so there's no confusion,
Santa Porn hasjust brought us some heterosexual entertainment.
Here you go.
All right. Here.
AndtheStifmeister's providedussome complimentarylubricant.
- Whack away,im. Whack away. - Does this stuff really make a difference?
- Oh, yeah! - Really?
[Phone Ringing]
Stifmeister's palace of love-- uh, straight love.
Oh, hey. Yeah, I'm fine.
- That's Stifler's mom. - Silence.
I didn't really think you were gonna be in Michigan this summer.
Yeah, you're more than welcome to be here.
Okay, stop by in a couple ofweeks. We're having a big party. Okay, bye.
Uh, Stifler, was that--
Okay.
She's coming.
Stifler's mom is coming here.
Efforts must be doubled.
"Efforts must be doubled."
Absolutely.
[Girl] Jenny, where'd you put my clarinet?
I think I shoved it in your box. Oh, thanks!
Bad man. I'm a bad, bad man.
Michelle. Michelle. Hi. Hi.
Jim, what are you doing here?
I, uh-- uh-- Well, I thought you had said--
You can't just stand out here.
[Jim] Look, uh, I need your help.
Nadia's coming back,
and I don't--
I don't wanna be this awkward,
bumbling, nervous guy with her.
I don't wanna seem like a dork.
Well, I know that feeling.
Spend your life playing in the band,
it doesn't exactly give you the ultra-cool hipster image.
I thinkyou're pretty cool. Seriously?
Yeah.
Michelle, why did you ditch me after prom?
I didn't ditch you. I-- I just--
Our date was over.
I mean, did you want some...
funky, weird, next-morning good-bye?
It's not like I wanted you to pretend you were in love with me or something.
Why would I pretend that? Guys do that.
Yeah, well, I'm not like other guys.
I know.
Okay, I'm gonna help you.
Really?
Yeah, I feel bad for saying that you sucked,
even though you kind ofdid.
Oh. Okay.
Uh, I'm just--
Let's just get started. Okay.
Now, I'm a hot girl. Right.
Okay, what do you wanna do? I wanna feel your boobs.
No, you dingbat.
You don'tjust go groping away.
You gotta preheat the oven before you stick in the turkey.
Okay.
Kiss me, here.
Good. Okay, now,
the collarbone-- kiss.
Good,im.
Oh, you're making me wet.
Holy shit. Really? No, I wasjust saying that so you could practice.
Ofcourse.
[ Whistling ]
[Michelle] Okay,Jim. That wasgood. Let's work on something else.
Does direction matter-- Iike clockwise, counterclockwise-- make a difference?
Okay,im, this is what I'm talking about.
Your main problem is... you're so uptight.
Do I seem uptight about my sexual stuff? No.
The biggest pointer I could give you is...
you have to feel comfortable in any situation.
Stand up. Hmm?
- Stand up. - Ohh!
Now, this is a fucked-up situation. What happened to preheating?
We're skipping a few chapters. Oh, okay.
This is good. This is good. Obviously.
Ooh! Gilligan's lsland, Mr. Howell.
Wh-What?
You've got to control yourself and think of something nonsexual.
I haven't even touched you yet, and you're turning into the Sears Tower.
I'm sorry. Yeah, uh, nonsexual.
Right, right. Um, okay.
hairs. hairs. Good.
Uh, uh-- Mastodons.
Uh, uh-- Good.
Cleaning my bathroom.
Dung beetles. Good.
Yeah. Okay. Now, don't freak out.
I'm gonna do something to push your threshold. Okay--
Oh, that's cold! What are you doing?
I just shoved a trumpet in your ass. Aren't instruments fun?
Okay, I think you've just crossed my threshold. [KeyRattles ln Lock]
We gotta go!
all me in two weeks. I'll be home then. We can finish lessons.
Okay. Oh!
Pointer-- Iess tongue.
[Trumpet.: "Spanish Flea"]
[ Warbling ]
[ "Spanish Flea" ]
- [Oz] What is it? A guest book? - Yeah, and look at this entry.
"Best thing was the blowout at Tom Meyers' place.
There he is. "A night not soon to be forgotten.
August '93." It's your brother, man. Look.
Yeah, his cottage was right down on the beach.
Guys, this is what our party's gotta be.
Something we'll always remember, you know? Yes, definitely.
Absolutely.
- You go fish. - Finch, we're playing gin.
Oh.
Gin.
# Just tell me how I got this far #
# Just tell me why you're here and who you are #
# 'Cause every time I look you're never there #
# And every time I sleep #
- You're always there - Huh!
# 'Cause you're everywhere to me #
# And when I close my eyes it's you I see #
# You're everything I know that makes me believe #
# I'm not alone #
- # I recognize the way you make me feel # - What the fuck? [ Groans ]
# It's hard to think that you might not be real #
# I sense it now The water's getting deep #
# I try to wash the pain away from me #
# Away from me #
# 'Cause you're everywhere to me #
# And when I close my eyes it's you I see #
# You're everything I know that makes me believe #
# 'Cause you're everywhere to me ##
"Dear 'eem.'
"hicago is beautiful, but it would be better ifyou were here.
I'm counting the days. Love, Nadia."
Well, I wish you were here, Nadia.
[Woman Moaning]
Have you been dirty? Oh, yes, baby.
I've been dirty. Doyou want me to cleanyou?
"Apply a few drops to achieve desired lubrication."
All right.
Is that a loofah, orareyoujust gladto see me?
Oh, what the hell.
[Moaning Continues]
Shit.
Ohh!
God!
I been missin' out.
[ Moaning ]
Uh-oh.
Ow.
Oh. Oh, shit! Ah!
Oh, shit!
[Ripping Sound] Oh! Ow!eez--
[Oz] Everybodyokay? I'm fine.
Everything's fine.
Shut the fuck up, or I'll breakdown this door andpummelyourass!
No, don't come in here. I'm fine. Everything--
I just fell out ofthe bed. Okay, good night, then. You sure?
Okay. We'll see you in the morning. Uh, night.
[Rock]
Oh!
[Man Singing, lndistinct]
Shit! Oh, shit!
Aah! [Ripping Sound]
Ow! Aah!
[Ripping Sound] Ow!
[ Man On Phone ] Poison control. Hello?
Uh, hi, hi.
Uh, yeah. Yeah, I kind of, uh,
uh, Super Glued myself...
to, uh, myself.
No. Uh, no.
Ow. Don't, uh, don't send an ambulance.
Look, is there anything, uh, you know, around the house?
Paint thinner.
[Continues]
David?
Shit.
[ Siren hirping ]
Don't move! Stay where you are!
Hands where we can see 'em!
Both hands! Get the other hand up, goddamn it!
I can't! I can't! I'm glued!
Sorry.
Relax your hands.
I'll take it from here, okay?
[Oz] Don't worry,Jimbo. You'regonna be fine, buddy.
Jim, this happens to the best of us.
Left foot first. Easy does it. Good.
- Watch your head. - All right. Take a seat.
- Ahh! - Excuse me, sir. Are you a family member?
Fuck, no! This is just too good to miss!
Okay, sir, you're just gonna have to wait here. All right?
[ huckles ] This summer's turnin' out to be great.
Mucilage is, um, dangerous territory.
And I would think any adhesive product...
would have a warning right on the-- on the tube.
I thought it was, uh, uh, lubricant.
Okay, I was trying to use lubricant.
Oh.
Son, couldn't you have left that disgusting thing at home?
Excuse me?
Well, that kind of material is offensive to me.
[ Sarcastically ] Oh, well, we're sorry.
But you see, my son couldn't leave it at home...
because he's having a bit ofa medical emergency.
That's right. Thanks, Dad.
Your opinion of his taste in video rentals, I'm afraid,
is, uh, not a priority, lady.
Dad-- Okay? It's at the bottom ofthe totem pole.
Okay?
[ Whispering ] Thankyou, Dad. Okay.
My son... is sitting here right now...
with his hand glued to his penis.
But that doesn't mean anything to you, does it?
Because you don't have a penis.
Or may be you do! Dad--
Sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Ow!
You know, itjust bugs me when-when-when people speak before they think.
You know, they speak--
How you doin', son? Ah. I've been better.
[Dad] Boy, that doesn 't look too bad,Jim.
Good job, Doctor.
The swelling should subside in about eight or nine days.
Eight or-- Eight or nine--
Beach party's in a week. Nadia's coming.
Oh. Oh.
Doctor, my-my son has a party in seven days,
and there's a young lady coming...
that he's been waiting to--
he's been waiting to get with.
I'd tell your son to keep his pants on during that party.
Oh, yes, yes. Believe me, I will be doing that. It goes without saying.
But if his pants...
decide to come off during the party,
couldhe have full use ofhis,
um, penis?
Okay.
This should shave a couple ofdays off.
Oh, good.
Thankyou, Doctor.
Jim,
that's good news.
This has been a good-news day, son. Here. Put this on.
Little chilly out there.
Well, here we are.
You know,im, um,
I think we should keep your mother in the dark about the incident tonight.
I think the whole glue thing might get her a little queasy.
I don't know how I get myself into these things.
But thanks for understanding.
You've been really cool.
Imean, between thisand,
you know--
You know, you may be Jimbo orJumbo...
orimbodinny to these guys in here,
but I want you to know there are two people...
who still remember where James Emanuel Levenstein came from.
We're awful proud ofyou, son.
Thanks, Dad.
Don't forget your penis cream.
[Finch Humming]
[ Moaning ]
[Finch] That wasit.
Right there. That was a pure tantric moment.
The ficus, the water-- it was all erotic.
One more stimulant, I wouldhave had full release.
Finch, stay the fuck away from that ficus.
- That's a jizz-free ficus. - [ Whimpers ]
There he is. Morning, Jimbo. How's the twig and giggleberries, man?
Oh, very colorful. My dick looks like a paint-by-numbers.
[Chuckles]Jim, you're the only guy I know whose dick needsan instruction manual.
[ Laughing ] [Phone Rings]
Casa de Stifler.
Oh, hey.
What, you're here now? No, that's cool.
You know, if you want to hang out with theseguys.
Okay, then. I'll meet you out front.
- Hey, Stifler, was that-- - Eat shit, Shitbrick.
[DoorCloses] She's here.
My lady has arrived.
I gotta prepare.
Here we go. Great. Stifler's mom is here?
This could be a disaster.
[Oz] Whoa.
Not unless Stifler's mom drives a moped.
Moped?
Fuckers, fuckers, fuckers. How you doin', boys?
- That's Stifler's little brother. - What are you doinghere?
Pussy, man. I'm here for the pussy.
Take a number.
Gentlemen, why all the noise? Everybody knows that this is my special day.
- What is that? - Is that a fuckin' dress? Are you wearing a dress?
Shitbrick, meet my little brother.
Little brother, meet Shitbrick.
- That's your brother? - Yes.
My lady's not coming.
So my entire...
stockpile is wasted,
and I look ridiculous!
Excuse me.
[ Shouts ]
That didn't look too good. No.
Let's go find your room. So, where are the fuckin' females?
I can't believe I finally got you alone.
That only took, what, six weeks?
So, uh, are you alone too?
- Yep. - Good.
I'm all alone.
Guess what I had in mind? [ hattering ]
Hey, Marco, can you get your balls off me?
- Thanks. - Heather, what the hell's going on over there?
Uh, nothing. It's just my flatmates.
I guess this is kind of a lost cause, huh?
Yeah, I guess so. I can't wait. See ya this weekend?
- I can't wait either. - Bye-bye.
- Surprise! - Holy-- Nadia!
You're here? You're here. What areyou doing here?
Jim, I got so tired of sight seeing.
But you're-- you're early.
Okay. Nice to know you.
I will leave. No!
No. Uh, don't-- don't leave.
Don't leave. No leaving.
Uh, no. Uh--
It's just, I'm not gonna be ready--
I mean, the party won't be ready, uh, until Saturday.
I can... stay here until then?
Yeah.
I'm gonna be right back. Is that okay?
Okay. Nadia.
Who's in my room. Now. Holy shit.
[Michelle] Allright, I'vegot aplan.
Okay. How about I come back with you...
andyousay, "Hello, this is Michelle, mygirlfriend. "
And obviously, Nadia won't expect you to hop in the sack.
And then we break up the day of the party.
And you're all healed and back on the market.
- You're evil. - No way!
I'm like upid.
And I know how to make a girl jealous.
This is gonna be fun.
[Jim] I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner,
but we just started seeing each othera few weeks ago.
Um-- But I'd really love it...
if you stayed here.
I think you should stay and have fun at the party.
Good foryou,im. Ofcourse I will stay.
That's grea-- Aiee! That's my nipples!
She just loves my nipples.
[Rock]
# If you could only read my mind #
# You would know that things between us #
# Ain't right #
# I know your arms are open wide #
# But you're a little on the strange side #
# I can't lie #
# Your one vice is you're too nice #
# Come around, now Can't you see #
# I want you all tattooed #
# I want you bad #
# Complete me Mistreat me #
# I want you to be bad, bad, bad #
# Bad, bad #
# If you could only read my mind #
# You would know that I've been waiting #
# So long #
# For someone almost just like you #
# But with attitude I've waited #
# So come on #
# Get out of Clothes time Pullout those highlights #
# Come around, now Can you see #
# I want you in a vinyl suit #
# I want you bad #
# Bad, bad ## [Jim] Oh, no.
Oh, my God. You still broken?
No.
I'm fine.
I might have to... actually go through with this.
Jim, what's the big deal with Nadia, anyway?
I mean, okay, so she's 50,000 times hotter...
than most girls, but...
come on, it's just sex.
Oh, no.
You saw the thing on the lnternet.
Did it look like I might have had...
a slight interest in Nadia then?
Add another year to that.
Okay.
Hey, why don't you bring Nadia to the concert first? It'll be a cool date.
We'll see how things go.
Michelle, you have been great.
Thank you.
Any time.
ome on.
You ready to break up?
You big, stupid dummy!
Theater is so cool!
[Michelle] ldon't care ifyou are the best layl've everhadin my life.
I hate your guts anyway. Don't say that.
And I don't care ifyou did give me ten orgasms in a row,
because you smell really bad.
No! I smell really bad!
Because we've been having so much sex, and--
and I haven't showered, and I wanna shower!
So, don't you go being all super-sexy guy anymore,
because I am now impervious...
to your unrelenting machismo and sexual ardor.
And that includes fucking me in the ass! So there!
We had something special.
[CarEngineStarts]
What's up? What's up, dog?
[Rock, lndistinct]
Vicky. Hey. Hey.
I'm so glad you came. You want something to drink or-- Hey.
an I help you?
Kevin. That's my date. What?
You-- You saved them all.
How sweet.
You don't think I'm a dork?
Whateveryou are,im, it is what I like.
Kevin left. Didn't look good.
Kevin left?
Just wandered down the beach.
You okay, Kev?
Wanna tell us what's up?
Wanna feel Finch's ass?
No, l-- I went to say hi to Vicky,
and she was there with a date.
You hooked up with three girls this year. You're doing fine.
Rule ofthree, Oz.
I guess I was living in the past-- wanting to party with you guys...
and be with Vicky, it's just like high school.
You remember that day after prom?
You know, we made a toast to the next step.
I guess I never took it.
My brother said that by the end ofthe summer I'd see the big picture.
Andlsee it.
No matter what, times change andthingsare different.
The problem is, I don't want them to be.
You know, Kevin, I haven't moved on either.
I've been obsessed with the one woman lcan't have a realfuture with,
other than a very kinky, extremely warped one.
I gotta find a new goddess.
It's gonna take patience, but I've been celibate all summer.
Yeah, you kinda get used to it, though, huh?
Are you insane?
Hey, look, Kev, different doesnot necessarilymean worse.
As a matter offact, I think things are just getting better.
Or am I gonna have to drag your ass back to that party and prove it to you?
I'll walk.
[Rock]
Wow!
You know, you have beautiful eyes.
- Oh, you're sweet. - That's a really nice top.
Oh. Thanks. You're welcome.
- Wanna fuck? - Are you serious?
ome on, baby. Give it to the Stifmeister.
- I think you better-- - Your loss.
Wow. You know, you have beautiful eyes.
ome here, dude. ome on. You're making an ass out of yourself.
You're ruining my mojo. And you're not the Stifmeister, okay?
It takes years to develop true Stifmeister style.
ome on, man! I just wanna see some boobs.
Hey, Pop-Tart. Dream on, midget.
Excuse him. ome here. Take this. You're on cop watch.
Go out in the driveway. See any cops, call me, okay?
Steve-- All right.
Gentlemen, uh, this appears to be a party.
Guys, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go look for Nadia.
Good luck.
Ahh.
[Jim] So what was this year like foryou?
Did you miss high school?
Well, no. When you travel as much as I do,
you get used to moving on.
But I have great memories.
- Wow, can we go in there? - The lighthouse?
Yeah.
Yes.
Yes, we can.
How romantic.
Jim, come on.
Wow! Wow!
Oh, it'sbeautiful!
ool!
Jim, I have told you my memories from high school.
What are yours?
Oh, uh--
Well, uh, you.
You have not changed.
Jim, relax.
We arejust, how do you say, tooting our horns.
Actually, that is quite difficult.
How do you mean?
Well, this one time at band camp,
I--
Holy shit.
What? Tell me.
Uh, well, uh,
this one time at band camp,
I got stuck playing this trombone.
And I can't play anything at all. So I totally sucked.
And everyone thought I was this Petey guy,
but I didn't know what to think, so I just kept playing and playing,
and I didn't know what I was doing.
It was so funny! [ huckling ]
I gotta go. What? Why?
Nadia,
please don't take this the wrong way,
but, but you're--
you're everything that I used to want.
And as much as I may really,
really regret what I'm about to do,
there's somebody else I want to be with.
You-You want the band geek?
Nadia, I am a band geek.
I just never joined the band.
You go get your geek.
Someday I will find mine.
# Well, my mind is now playing tricks on me #
# And the world is crashing #
# I think about it #
[Continues, lndistinct]
Hey, um, Kevin Meyers.
Hi. Sorry I was a dick before.
It's okay, man. My name's Brett.
Uh, could you give us a sec? Sure.
Look, you don't have to do this.
May be I was being selfish...
in wanting to be your friend.
May be it's just not gonna work. Victoria,
I would much rather have you as a friend than not have you in my life at all.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo!
Yeah-hah! Partyon!
Yeah! Yeah!
- I don't know. From the lighthouse all the way-- - Hey, handsome.
Heather! Hey. Hi.
What are you doing here?
I was gonna pick you up at the airport in, like, two hours.
I took an earlier flight, and I thought I'd surprise you.
Yeah, you did. Kinda weird without the phone, huh?
We'll get used to it.
Come on. I wanna hear all about it. We'll grab you a drink.
Steve, this cop-watch thing is horseshit.
Hello? [ Crackling ]
Man, this sucks.
[ Amber ] Who is it out there?
It's the Stifmeister, baby.
Is that so?
Life's a bitch, isn't it?
It's all right. You don't have to say anything.
I'm used to girls ignoring me.
Or making fun of me.
"Come on, Sherman. Be the Sherminator."
Like the movie. How clever.
I-l get it, okay?
May be I am a geek.
Whatever.
Yes! Yes, you are!
All right.
I... am the Sherminator. Ohh!
A sophisticated sex robot sent back through time...
to change the future for one lucky lady.
I am lucky lady?
That's right, Nadia. You've been targeted for Shermination.
ome with me ifyou want to live.
Oh! Oh, no!
Help!
- Ohh! Fuck me, geek! - Affirmative!
No fuckin' way!
Forget it. Like you have a chance.
heers, bud.
Hey, Steve, look what I found.
- Dude, don't touch the shirt. -ust look.
Hi. Hey, there.
Brilliant. You found lesbians.
[Scoffs] Goodluck trying to break through that force field.
Lesbians? We never said that.
- What? - We never said that.
Oh. Oh, man.
I will do anything-- anything-- to sleep with you chicks.
Okay? I'llgrab every guy's ass in this room.
I'll caress it, even. I'll shave some ass if they need it.
Oh, yeah. You heardme.
It's true. I'll kiss everybody here. Dudes, chicks, everybody.
Because lam comfortable with my sexuality.
Oh, yeah.
At least have a drink with the Stifmeister.
All right. That's fair.
All right.
You truly are a Stifmeister.
- Welcome back to the party. - Steve, those are my lesbians.
Ladies, I am down with the funky shit.
Like what? One time at this party, I was drinking champagne--
Thankyou. Thankyou.
Ournextsoloist willbe Michelle Flaherty.
[Applause]
[ Off-key ]
Petey?
This kid is killing me.
You suck, retard. I'm not retarded.
I'm a very special boy.
[ Note Blasts ] [ Gasping ]
[ Off-key ]
# To live the life that's in his dreams #
- # At night he lies awake and he wonders # -Jim!
How's this for a band camp story?
# If I can be like that #
# I would give anything just to live one day #
Come on, guys. Let's hear it for Petey!
# If I can be like that what would I do #
# What would I do #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
# Oh, yeah #
# Falling into less #
# In dreams #
# And run away #
Talented bastard!
[Rock] [ heering ]
[ Men hanting ] Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
Good for them. Yeah, it's awesome.
Want to dance? Yeah.
We'll be back. ome on, baby!
# It's one thing to complain but when you're driving me insane #
# Well, then I think it's time that we took a break #
# 'Cause I'm in too deep and I'm trying to keep #
# Up above in my head instead of going under #
# 'Cause I'm in too deep and I'm trying to keep #
# Up above in my head instead of going under #
# Instead of going under # # Instead of going under #
# Instead of going under ##
You know, there's only one word for that party:
bitchin'. Out ofcontrol.
Dude, am I gonna have a hangover? 'ause I want one.
[Chattering]
Good-bye. See ya.
Let's go to our page. Oh, my gosh. We have to write about this party.
This party was crazy! Look at my date! He's passed out!
You drank him under the table. He couldn't hang out.
# She holds her head #
# Within her hands #
# Quietly reeling #
# If only he could understand #
# What she's feeling #
# She moves into me #
# Just to kiss my shoulder #
[Continues lndistinct]
Oh!
Best summer ever, huh, fellas? Absolutely.
Sorry things didn't work out foryou, Finch. You kiddin'? Things are great.
I have all the time in the world.
So, are we gonna do this every summer?
Oh, yeah, we are. Of course we are, gentlemen.
Well, we're gonna try.
Sweet car. It is sweet.
Stifler'smom. Hey, Finchy.
How did you know I was here?
I called a couple ofweeks ago.
Didn't Steven tell you that I was gonna drop by sometime?
I guess it, uh, slipped his mind.
Hey, what's your name?
Jeanine.
Okay, uh, well,
I've been thinking, and, you know, I'm 1 9 years old.
There's a whole world out there. I can't be obsessed with one woman.
-ust can't be. - I'm glad you're learning, Finchy.
Good. Good.
-You want to get it on? -You better clear your schedule.
See you guys later.
Where are you goin', man? What about Dog Years?
Uh, give me, like, uh, three days.
[Jim] Wait, was that-- Was that who lthink--
- No. - Yeah. Yeah!
I think it was. I think so too.
Son ofa--
Who the hell was that?
That was, uh-- That was-- Someone was lost.
Lookin' for the lake. Yeah, all turned around.
What a dumbass. The lake's right there.
Incredible. How does Finch get so lucky?
Ah. What are you worried about? You got a girlfriend now.
Everything in. Let's go. Pony up. Dog Years awaits.
Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do.
I have a girlfriend now. Yeah, you do.
She's my girlfriend. All right,imbo.
Let's go! Let's go!
Hey, where's Shitbrick? The movies. Took the bus.
offee. Wait a second.
Who the fuck was in that car?
# And here's to you Mrs. Robinson #
# Jesus loves you more than you will know #
[ Finch Moaning ]
[ Mrs. Stifler ] Oh, Finchy, I missed you.
Yeah. Oh, God. Jeanine. eanine. all me Stifler's mom.
[ Loud Moaning ] [ ar Alarm Blaring ]
[ Shouting ] Oh, Stifler's mom!
# I don't want to be an ass anymore #
# Sick and tired of all the promises #
# That I made to you #
# And I pray to you #
# And I know you think you've heard it all before #
# Something tells me that you think I'm stupid #
# When I say to you #
# That what I say is true #
# Too much lying Too little trying #
# This time it's gonna be the last time #
# I say the last time again #
# This time is gonna be the last time #
# What I say # # The last time again #
# I don't want to be redundant anymore #
# Skipping like a broken record you can play again #
# But I'll do it all again #
# I'll put it behind me then you rewind me #
# This time is gonna be the last time #
# What I say # # The last time again #
# This time is gonna be the last time #
# What I say # # The last time again #
# Once again I must have been #
# Trying to wash away the sin #
# 'Cause I wake up bathroom floor #
# I won't do this anymore #
# Starting tomorrow #
# This time is gonna be the last time #
# What I say # # The last time again #
# This time is gonna be the last time #
# What I say # # The last time again #
# This time is gonna be the last time #
# What I say # # The last time again #
# This time is gonna be the last time #
# What I say # # The last time again #
[Ends]
# And it's always little things #
# That to the surface brings #
# Space you need to breathe #
# Before the curtain call #
# The light that leads the way #
# Before you hit the wall #
# The mountain that you climb #
# Just to take a fall #
# The blind among the blind And I say #
# There's an echo 'round my heart #
# Dragging me down #
# Beneath the waves in silence I fall #
# There's a halo above my head #
# Spinning me 'round #
# 'Cause I don't know if I'm alive or dead #
# There's a dagger in my hand #
# Bleeding me dry #
# And all we have to lose #
# Is time #
# And what we lose we leave behind #
# Stay around and we will shine #
[Jazz]
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