- WAH-TAH! HUH!
YA!
male announcer: AND NOW...
- ¶ HEAR THE LEGENDS OF THE KUNG FU PANDA ¶
¶ DOONG, DOONG, DOONG, DOONG, DOONG-BOWNG, DOO-BOOM-BOOM ¶
¶ RAISED IN A NOODLE SHOP ¶
¶ NEVER SEEKING GLORY OR FAME ¶
¶ HE CLIMBED A MOUNTAINTOP ¶
¶ AND EARNED THE DRAGON WARRIOR NAME ¶
HOO! AH! YAH!
¶ KUNG FU PANDA ¶
¶ DOONG, DA-DOONG, DOONG, SHU-GONG, DA-DOONG, DOONG ¶
¶ MASTER SHIFU SAW THE WARRIOR BLOSSOM ¶
¶ AND MASTER THE SKILLS OF BODACIOUS AND AWESOME ¶
¶ KUNG FU PANDA ¶
¶ DOONG, DA-DOONG, DOONG-DOONG, DA-DOONG, DA-DA-DOONG ¶
¶ HE LIVES, AND HE TRAINS ¶
¶ AND HE FIGHTS WITH THE FURIOUS FIVE ¶
¶ PROTECT THE VALLEY SOMETHIN', SOMETHIN' ¶
¶ SOMETHIN', SOMETHIN' ALIVE ¶
OOH, AH, OOH!
¶ KUNG FU PANDA ¶
¶ LEGENDS OF AWESOMENESS ¶
SWEET.
[somber violin music]
¶ ¶
- PANDA, YOU'RE NEXT.
TEN SECONDS TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE UNSCATHED.
whoosh!
- OOH, AH, OOH.
UH, UH.
HA! CATLIKE REFLEXES.
- WAH!
- MONKEY!
UH!
AH!
GUH.
- TWO POINTS FOR MONKEY.
LIGHTS OUT, PO.
- DYAH.
AH...
CHOO!
AH!
OOH. UH.
OW!
- OOH.
OH.
[muffled] GET OFF ME.
OH-HO-HO.
- PO, FIVE. MONKEY, FOUR.
- [straining] YOU CAN'T COUNT THAT.
- SURE, I CAN.
SHIFU, THAT WAS A POINT, RIGHT?
- I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR CHILDISH SCORE-KEEPING, PANDA.
- HUH. - AH!
- MONKEY, THAT WAS A DECEITFUL, UNDERHANDED ATTACK.
GOOD WORK.
- HA.
- THE POINT OF SNEAK-ATTACK TRAINING
IS TO DO THE UNEXPECTED.
DOY!
- WHAT? OOH!
- SEE? UNEXPECTED.
TIGRESS, YOU AND CRANE ARE NEXT.
- AH-AH-CHOO!
AH-AH-CHOO!
AH, AH, AH...
AH-CHOO!
- MASTER SHIFU, CAN WE TAKE FIVE
SO I CAN GO STERILIZE MY BEAK WITH HOT COALS?
- UH-OH, I THINK I CAUGHT TIGRESS' COLD.
- I DON'T HAVE...
[coughing]
A COLD.
[coughs]
- [mimics sneezing]
[both laughing]
- HEY, I GOT A COLD TOO.
- I DO NOT HAVE A COLD.
AH-CHOO!
- [mimics sneezing]
thud!
[both laughing]
- [mimics sneezing]
- NOT COOL, MAN.
[both laughing]
- FRIENDS LOVE THE SNEEZY TRICK.
[both laughing]
- I DO NOT HAVE A...
COLD.
- WAIT.
MAYBE YOU DON'T.
AHA.
HMM.
I SEE.
IT'S RIVER FEVER.
- UGH.
- WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL ABOUT RIVER FEVER?
YOU GET A LITTLE SNEEZY, A LITTLE SNOOZY.
I'VE PERSONALLY BARFED A COUPLE OF TIMES; TRUE STORY.
THEN IT'S ALL OVER THE NEXT DAY.
WE ALL HAD IT AS KIDS.
- I DIDN'T.
- OH, MAN.
RIVER FEVER'S BAD NEWS IF YOU GET IT AS AN ADULT.
YOU WIND UP LIKE THIS.
- [screams]
IS THAT A... A PIG?
- THERE'S ONLY ONE CURE:
TEA MADE FROM THE SACRED SUN ORCHID.
- TRUE. THE SUN ORCHID IS POWERFUL.
BUT GETTING ONE IS DANGEROUS.
IT USED TO GROW HERE,
BUT NOW IT'S ONLY FOUND IN ONE PLACE,
THE VALLEY OF THE SCORPION.
- NO ONE'S RISKING THEIR LIVES FOR ME.
I'LL BE FINE.
- FINE?
[chuckles] LOOK AT THE PIG.
LOOK AT THE PIG!
- YOU MAY FEEL FINE,
BUT THE MUSCLE SPASMS COULD START AT ANY--
whack!
[groans] LIKE THAT.
TIGRESS, IF YOU DON'T GET THAT ORCHID BY SUNDOWN, YOU'LL..
- WHAT?
- I CAN'T.
- WHAT?
- WELL, FIRST, YOU'LL NEVER DO KUNG FU AGAIN.
- [gasps]
I'D RATHER DIE.
- YEAH, THAT'S SECOND.
- WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE THE DRAGON WARRIOR'S
GONNA BE PICKING UP THAT ORCHID DEAL-Y.
- I'LL GET IT.
50 POINTS SAYS I GET THERE BEFORE YOU.
[knocking]
- THIS IS NO GAME.
FEW HAVE EVER RETURNED FROM THE VALLEY ALIVE.
AND THOSE FEW HAVE COME BACK SHAMBLING ZOMBIES,
THEIR MINDS DESTROYED BY THE POWER OF SCORPION STING.
LONG AGO, SCORPION WAS A CELEBRATED HEALER,
AN EXPERT IN MEDICINAL PLANTS.
THE SOIL IN THE VALLEY OF PEACE
WAS PERFECT FOR HER EXPERIMENTAL FLOWERS.
BUT WHEN SHE DISCOVERED A HYPNOTIC ELIXIR
AND STUNG HERSELF WITH IT,
IT WARPED HER BODY AND HER MIND.
SHE USED THIS NEW POWER TO CONTROL OTHERS.
SHE ASSAULTED THE VALLEY
BY TURNING VILLAGERS INTO RED-EYED DRONES.
SHE NEARLY SUCCEEDED IN TAKING OVER,
BUT OOGWAY HAD TWO THINGS SHE DIDN'T HAVE:
THE VILLAGERS' LOYALTY AND A SHELL.
OOGWAY EXILED SCORPION,
BUT SHE STOLE THE LAST SUN ORCHID THAT GREW HERE.
SHE HAS SWORN ETERNAL VENGEANCE
UPON ANYONE FROM THE VALLEY OF PEACE,
WHICH IS WHY YOU NEED TO BE EXTREMELY...
PO?
- IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING,
I'LL BE GETTING THAT ORCHID BEFORE YOU,
'CAUSE I'VE GOT A SECRET WEAPON: AWESOMENESS.
- NOT A CHANCE.
I'M FASTER THAN YOU AT EVERYTHING...
EXCEPT EATING.
OH, MAYBE WE SHOULD'VE STUCK AROUND AND LISTENED TO SHIFU.
- MAN, HE IS SUCH A WORRIER.
IT WAS JUST "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, DANGER,"
"BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, CERTAIN DEATH" KIND OF STUFF.
YOU KNOW, HE SHOULD CUT BACK ON THAT GREEN TEA.
I THINK IT MAKES HIM A LITTLE TENSE.
- WOW.
THAT'S A LOT OF SKULLS.
YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING INTERESTING ABOUT SKULLS?
YOU CAN'T DRINK SOUP OUT OF THEM.
- WOW, THAT IS INTERESTING...
TO NO ONE.
COME ON! WE GOT TO GET A MOVE ON.
SO PICK UP THE PACE!
- ME?
YOU COULDN'T PICK UP THE PACE WITH A SHOVEL.
- OH, YEAH? WATCH ME FL--
thud!
[low rumbling]
UH...
[loud thud]
UH, THINK ANYBODY HEARD THAT?
- THINK ANYBODY DIDN'T HEAR THAT?
- OOH, VISITORS FROM THE VALLEY OF PEACE.
- I THINK I DISLOCATED MY FOREHEAD.
- IT'S THAT ADORABLE PANDA DRAGON WARRIOR THEY SPEAK OF.
- UH, MY BRAIN'S LIKE A BAG OF PUDDING.
- HA. NOTHING NEW.
COME ON!
TIGRESS NEEDS THAT ORCHID BY SUNDOWN.
- OH, THEY NEED MY ORCHID.
AND I NEED TO ADD SOMETHING TO MY COLLECTION OF TCHOTCHKES.
HIS ADORABLE PANDA HEAD WILL FIT RIGHT HERE...
ONCE I SEVER IT FROM HIS BODY.
OOH, YES, YOU COME AND GET YOUR MEDICINE FOR YOUR LADY FRIEND.
I'VE GOT IT RIGHT HERE.
- YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS INTERESTING ABOUT SKULLS?
THEY RUN FASTER THAN YOU.
- AH, WHAT I LACK IN...SPEED,
I MAKE UP FOR... IN...STAMINA.
[panting]
DON'T HURL. DON'T HURL.
MONKEY!
I'M GONNA... CATCH YOU!
- GOOD LUCK, PO!
WHOA!
HA! HMM!
HMM?
OH!
HY!
HMM...
AH! HUH!
YA!
AH!
SCORPION.
YOU CAN'T BEAT ME.
- I ALREADY HAVE.
- WHA-- GUH.
POISON.
- NOT EXACTLY.
OH, I COULD SIMPLY HAVE POISONED YOU AND YOUR PANDA FRIEND,
BUT I'M A SHUT-IN, THANKS TO OOGWAY.
AND THIS IS MY ONLY ENTERTAINMENT.
IT'LL BE SO MUCH MORE FUN TO WATCH
AS YOU DESTROY SHIFU'S LITTLE PET,
THE DRAGON WARRIOR.
- NO!
PO, FRIEND.
- YOU'RE ONLY GOOD TO ME AS LONG AS YOU FORGET
THAT HE IS YOUR FRIEND.
- FORGET MY FRIEND.
- AND DESTROY HIM.
- AND...
- DESTROY HIM.
I MUST DESTROY THE PANDA.
I MUST DESTROY PO!
- MONKEY?
NOW, YOU DON'T GET ANY POINTS FOR HIDING.
- MUST DESTROY PO.
WAH!
- ARE YOU MESSING WITH MY HEAD?
OOH, A BERRY.
OH, MAN.
IT'S A ROCK.
WAIT. IT'S NOT A ROCK.
[rope snaps]
- [squeals]
UH!
- IT'S...BIRD POOP?
EW, EW!
I JUST TOUCHED BIRD POOP.
- [groans]
MUST DESTROY PO.
- IT WON'T DESTROY ME.
IT'S JUST GROSS.
- DESTROY PO.
- [sneezes]
- SHIFU AND I SET UP A SICK WARD.
IT'S COMPLETELY SANITARY.
- [sneezes]
- UNLIKE MY FACE.
- I DON'T NEED A SICK WARD.
I'M FINE.
- AH!
MUSCLE SPASM.
PERFECTLY NORMAL.
- [sneezes]
- DON'T TOUCH ME!
[screaming and laughing]
- UH, WE ALSO TOOK IN SOME KIDS WITH RIVER FEVER.
HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.
- OF COURSE NOT.
I LOVE CHILDREN.
UH!
- WHOOP!
MUSCLE SPASM.
- NOT THAT TIME.
- HMM, TO THE LEFT OF THE SKULL,
WHICH MEANS WE GO RIGHT AT THE...
thud!
HMM?
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?
- DESTROY PO.
- ARE YOU...
SNEAK-ATTACK TRAINING?
I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS THE BEST TIME,
BUT OKAY.
WATCH YOUR BACK, 'CAUSE NOW IT'S MY TURN.
- OH, AH, AH, AH!
- PO, TEN. MONKEY, SIX.
- DESTROY PO.
- YAH! OW!
OOH. OOH.
HAH! - HAH!
thud!
- MONKEY?
MONKEY, MONKEY, MONKEY, MONKEY, MONKEY!
ARE YOU MESSING WITH MY HEAD?
- DESTROY PO. - [chuckles slyly]
AH!
HA-HA!
[chuckles]
- WAH!
- HUH! OOH!
AH! OOH!
UH! OOH!
AH!
YEE-AH!
OH, YEAH!
PO HAS TAKEN A COMMANDING FOUR-POINT LEAD.
WHAT COULD POOR MONKEY POSSIBLY...
DOOOOOO!
OOF.
HUH?
SCORPION'S LAIR.
- DESTROY PO.
- THE ORCHID IS IN THERE!
CUT IT OUT, MONKEY.
WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT!
TIGRESS NEEDS OUR HELP.
[children laughing]
- [singsongy] YOO-HOO!
- SO, UH, I'M HOPING YOU LIKE CLOWNS.
[cup shatters]
OH.
THEN I'M HOPING YOU LIKE NOT HITTING ME.
- HELLO, BOYS AND GIRLS.
I'M MR. PING--
I MEAN, MR. CLOWN.
I HAVE COME TO SPREAD JOY AND HAPPINESS
AND TWO-FOR-ONE COUPONS FOR MR. PING'S NOODLE SHOP.
[all cheering]
¶ BADDA-DA-DA, DA, DA, DA! ¶
[in high-pitched voice] OH, SOMEONE HAS A SAD FACE.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME, LITTLE GIRL?
- BACK AWAY.
- OH, AND WOULD "BACK AWAY" LIKE A PRETTY FLOWER?
- NO. - TA-DA!
all: OOH!
- THE FLOWER IS MADE OUT OF COUPONS.
[in high-pitched voice] - TO MR. PING'S NOODLE SHOP.
FOUR OUT OF FIVE HERBALISTS RECOMMEND NOODLE SOUP
FOR RIVER FEVER.
[all laughing]
WHO'S THE MASTER JUGGLER?
[in high-pitched voice] NOT ME.
[all cheering]
[making kissing sounds]
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
- [groans]
- I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
- [groans]
- [making kissing sounds]
WHO LOVES YOU? WHO LOVES YOU?
OF COURSE, I LOVE YOU.
ME LOVE YOU ALWAYS.
[chuckles]
[makes kissing sound]
[cheers and applause]
UH.
YOU'RE CHOKING ME.
- DOESN'T MR. CLOWN HAVE URGENT BUSINESS SOMEWHERE?
- QUITE RIGHT.
[clears throat] QUITE RIGHT.
MR. CLOWN HAS TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE...
SOMETHING FRIENDLY.
[spitting]
WELL, KIDS, MR. CLOWN MUST BE GOING NOW.
GOOD-BYE!
kids: AW.
- PING'S NOODLE SHOP.
[kids cheering]
squeak!
kids: AW.
- WE'VE GOT TO FIND A WAY IN.
- UH!
- OH, THAT MONKEY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING.
HE'S PATHETIC AT DESTROYING HIS FRIEND.
I BLAME THE PARENTS.
I GUESS I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE HIM A LITTLE HELP.
IF YOU NEED SOMEONE VIOLENTLY DESTROYED THESE DAYS,
I GUESS YOU HAVE TO DO IT YOURSELF.
- [grunting]
OH, THESE ARE REALLY HEAVY.
AH!
- DESTROY PO.
- UH, YEAH, I DON'T THINK THAT'S HELPING.
SEE IF YOU CAN FIND SOMETHING TO PRY THESE OPEN WITH.
SOMETHING METAL WOULD BE GOOD.
- MONKEY. - WITH A POINT.
AND HURRY.
WAH!
AH, HA-HA-HA, OOH!
THAT COULD BE A BROKEN TOE RIGHT THERE.
OH, THOSE ARE PERFECT.
LET ME JUST GET OUT OF YOUR WAY.
HUH?
W-W-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- HYAH!
- CAN WE DO YOUR HAIR AND MAKEUP?
- NO.
- ARE YOU STRONG ENOUGH TO STOP US?
- [weakly] NO.
both: WE'RE GONNA MAKE YOU PRETTY!
- UGH.
- SO DO U U LOVE PO?
- IS PO YOUR BOYFRIEND?
- W-WHAT? NO.
both: HE WILL BE WHEN HE SEES YOU!
[both laughing]
- JUST PERFECT.
- WHOA! WAH.
WAIT A SECOND. YOU'RE REALLY TRYING TO--
- DESTROY PO.
- HUH.
- WAH!
- UH!
WHOA!
HA!
OOH!
- HY!
- OOF!
OOH.
[blades whooshing]
AH!
- MUST DESTROY PO.
- YOUR EYES-- WHAT'S WITH YOUR--
WAIT A SECOND.
RED AND GLOWING EYES, TRYING TO KILL ME,
ACTING LIKE A ZOMBIE.
THAT SCORPION IS CONTROLLING YOUR MIND!
THAT'S AWESOME!
WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE?
[blades whooshing]
WHOA!
OOH-HOO!
AH!
- UH!
OH, AH!
YAH!
WAH!
- [panting]
AH!
MONKEY, YOU'VE GOT TO SNAP OUT OF IT.
IT'S ME, PO, YOUR BEST BUDDY.
AH!
- WAH, YA-YA-YA-YA-YA!
DA, DA, DA!
thud!
[ground crumbling]
- AH!
UH?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF I'M YOUR BEST BUDDY,
BUT I'M ONE OF YOUR BUDDIES.
AM I YOUR BEST BUDDY?
IT COULD BE MANTIS.
I MEAN, I KNOW YOU GUYS HAVE LUNCH TOGETHER A LOT.
BUT YOU'RE MY BEST BUDDY.
YES, YOU ARE!
ESPECIALLY IF YOU STOP TRYING TO KILL ME.
- DESTROY PO.
- NO!
DON'T DO IT, MONKEY. IT'S ME.
I'M YOUR SNEEZY-TRICK FRIEND. REMEMBER?
YOU, ME, FRIENDS?
SNEEZY TRICK? HA-CHOO?
[sneezes]
- OOH!
- FRIENDS! REMEMBER?
[sneezes]
- MM?
FRIEND?
- IT'S GETTING LATE.
I'M NOT SURE THEY'RE GONNA MAKE IT.
- DON'T SAY THAT. THEY'LL BE HERE.
- [gasping]
CRANE, VIPER...
WAH!
MANTIS...
I'LL NEVER DO...
HYAH!
KUNG FU AGAIN.
- HEY, DON'T WORRY, TIGRESS.
THERE'S LOTS OF OTHER THINGS YOU'RE GOOD AT,
LIKE... UH...
- EE-OW!
- DON'T WORRY.
THEY'LL BE HERE.
[knocking]
- SOMEONE'S AT THE DOOR.
COME IN!
[cackling]
- PO NO MO'.
- LOOK AT YOU.
WHO DID A GOOD JOB?
MONKEY, THAT'S WHO.
[sniffing]
EW.
HE'S ONLY BEEN DEAD A FEW MINUTES.
HE SHOULDN'T STINK ALREADY.
- THAT'S THE STINK OF AWESOMENESS!
HYAH!
UH.
- AH!
- US, ONE.
- SCORPION, ZERO.
- OH, HOW DID YOU OVERCOME MY MIND CONTROL?
- WITH A POISON THAT'S STRONGER THAN YOURS.
AND THAT POISON IS CALLED "FRIENDSHIP."
- WE'LL TAKE THAT FLOWER NOW.
- THE ONLY THING YOU'RE GOING TO GET
IS A LITTLE SOAP TO WASH OUT YOUR FILTHY MOUTH.
- LET'S DO THIS.
- YA!
OOH, RAH!
- AH!
IT'S ON ME! IT'S ON ME!
OOH.
- OOH-AH!
- UH!
GAH!
- OOH.
- BUH!
- HUH?
- THIS IS GOING TO STING A LITTLE BIT.
JUST KIDDING.
IT BURNS LIKE FIRE.
- NEGATORY!
- AH!
- HOO-AH!
- [growling]
YEAH-HEH.
- UH.
AH.
- UGH.
UH!
- WAH!
OOF.
- HEE-YOW!
- UGH!
YEE!
OH, HA!
- OOH!
HUH.
UGH.
- YOU'LL NEVER GET MY ORCHID.
- HWAH!
- OH, SWEETHEART,
YOU CAN'T SURPRISE SOMEONE WITH THIS MANY EYEBALLS.
- OH, NO?
DOY!
- WHA?
HA!
UGH.
[growling]
UH.
- [sneezes]
- NICE ONE!
- BONUS POINTS FOR PO!
- HEY, I HELPED.
WE SPLIT 'EM.
- DEAL.
- [groaning]
- WE GOT IT!
- QUICK! IT'S ALMOST SUNDOWN.
- I'M SUPPOSED TO MAKE TEA FROM THIS THING,
BUT THERE'S NO TIME.
- HUH! HA!
HUH! HA! HUH!
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE D--
I'M... I'M CURED.
[all cheering]
- YOU'RE WELCOME?
GUH. - SORRY.
[cheers]
- YOU HAVE DONE WELL.
- YEAH, ONCE I USED MY DRAGON-WARRIOR-NESS
TO CURE MONKEY OF HIS ZOMBIFICATION...
- PO, DO YOUR FUNNY ZOMBIE IMPRESSION OF ME.
- OH, OH, YEAH, YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
DESTROY PO. MUST--
THESE...ARE...PEPPERS!
GAH!
- MONKEY, ONE. PANDA, ZERO.
- AHH! UH!