[Bell dings]
Hot food from a hot man.
A woman in my section wants to know if we do anything gluten-free.
- What do I tell her? - Tell her she's not allergic.
She's just masking an eating disorder.
Look alive, people.
Club sandwich, burger medium, and a shrimp salad for the gambling man.
I asked for salt and pepper.
I wanted mayonnaise and mustard.
You forgot my diet soda.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'll be right back with... Oh, what?
Never doubt me.
Max: Here's my last check, Earl.
Look here, Max.
That iadyjust slipped me her number.
Like I need another menopausal white woman...
Scratching at my window like a cat in heat.
God, I love money.
I know. I'm so sorry it broke up with you.
Look, this week's new iPad just came out, spread the words.
I saw that on the wire.
Max, three weeks in a row...
You have not yet accepted my request to be a Facebook friend.
Max, I am talking to you.
Oh, I didn't hear you. I have my earbuds in.
What are these?
Okay, you had to bust a move, get all the truth on my ass?
Fine, let's go there. Han, I'm never gonna be your Facebook friend.
[Grunts]
Hard to hear.
Well, I accepted you, han.
Yes, thank you. You make my heart sing.
[Grunts]
Hurt me still.
That was like watching someone club a baby seal.
Why wouldn't you just say yes to his request?
Because I never check Facebook. Why would I?
So some girl I worked at a movie theater with in 2005...
Can tell me it's raining and she's totes bummed?
Caroline?
Better check Facebook page.
Maybe someone just post on your wall.
"Han Lee has tagged you in 25 photos."
Wanna borrow my seal club yet?
Oh, that stings.
I've lost like 300 Facebook friends since my father was arrested.
Your father's probably made that many new friends in prison, so it all evens out.
Okay, ready to go?
Do we have to? It's so hot outside. When did heat get so hot?
Ahh. Stop fighting it. Just give in to it.
I don't know why I'm quoting a rapist.
Can't we just stay a bit longer? We don't have any a.C. At home.
I have an ac. You girls can use.
- You have an air conditioner that works? - Oh, it works.
[Air whooshing]
That's like an ac. That just had salami.
There's more salami where that came from.
- And my feet hurt. - You gotta stop wearing those stilts.
Get a pair of skechers like normal broke-ass waitresses.
Skechers? How dare you?
Besides, I can't afford new shoes. These cost $900.
Well, then that's not pain, that's Karma.
Look, I will help you out. Okay?
I know a place that has designer things at good prices.
Like a barneys warehouse?
Kind of.
The goodwill?
[In Russian accent] Welcome to my place.
We're shopping at the goodwill? You led me to believe we were real shopping.
[In normal voice] I know. Ha, ha.
I couldn't wait to see your face when you saw. Do the face again.
I love it!
Okay, what's that smell?
It's gonna be your smell from now on.
Now, pay attention. I know where the good stuff is.
I know where the good stuff is, Madison and 57th.
Follow me.
Clever bitches hide stuff they wanna come back and buy...
Because sometimes they don't have $3 to buy it at the time.
Who doesn't have $3?
Last week, I hid a dope vintage blazer in the back of a nightstand.
Six bucks. Clever bitch. Bang, bang.
All right, well, we're here. I'm gonna make the best of it.
But first I need a basket without a snow cone in it.
Hey, Trish.
Not for day-to-day but at the country club?
You're kidding, but you're right.
Hey, when you find something, check the pockets for pills.
At a thrift store, I found a purple one once, took it, fell asleep for eight hours.
That was my vacation that year.
Caroline: Yay, shoes.
I can't believe I just said "yay" in goodwill.
Look, don't freak. Shoes can be funky.
I have a special spray at home, makes them like new.
Did you get it from a wizard?
Oh, my god.
These Brian atwoods were mine.
I donated these to charity because I was photographed wearing them twice.
Okay, they were $800 when I bought them.
Now they're 8?
Like me.
I'm $8.
Oh, my god.
I'm $8.
I've been reduced.
I'm sorry. It just all became so real to me.
I mean, I can't believe it.
Um, didn't you see me crying?
Lots of people cry at goodwill.
You go to France, you eat snails, you come here, you cry.
That's odd. You didn't even react.
You need to react when people cry.
I did. I rolled my eyes.
Look, eventually you'll learn to do that on the inside.
Okay. Well, just fyi, when I used to cry in front of my other girlfriends...
They'd be like, "what you crying about, c-line?
Look at you, girl, you're fierce. You got your glam on."
Are your girlfriends black drag queens?
Oh, awesome strokes tee.
I went to this concert, but I couldn't afford the shirt.
Oh, we're done with me?
I went to see them the summer after my junior year.
It was a warm night and I snuck out of the house, and we...
Ahem. Whatever.
And what? What? Did something great happen the night you got the tee?
Look at me. Does it look like something great ever happened?
Hey, cute tee.
I had my eye on it.
I was bringing my girl back to see it. She was in the bathroom.
I had to throw up.
So hand it over.
You know the rule.
Turn your back on the rack, you're under attack.
That's not me. That's the law of the will.
[Whispers] Yeah, you better walk away.
[In normal voice] That was intense.
Oh, just another Wednesday at the will.
You said to look in things, right?
Max, look, on my first try.
Ooh, slick. Whoever hid those is gonna be pissed.
Quality check.
Fabric, sturdy. No mysterious crotch stains. Nice work, Nancy drew.
[Chuckles]
And look, they're designer. Summer 2009.
Three hundred and fifty dollars.
And for me today, $5.
That's a reduction I like.
Ee! Five dollars! Oh!
Five dollars, $5, $5.
- Hi, Maria. - How are you, Max?
- Good. How's your mom doing? - Maria: Good.
She really appreciated the cupcakes you made her.
Hi, Maria. I'm Caroline, Max's friend.
Any way we can get the price down a bit for these?
I think $8 is steep considering their condition.
I happen to know the heel has been replaced.
I cannot believe you're trying to shoe her down.
I can do $6.
Oh, you happy? You haggled a charity.
You're turning goodwill into bad will.
My t-shirt's gone.
It's not here.
I bet it was that...
[Whispers] Puerto rican girl...
[In normal voice] Who was eyeing it.
Maria, can we call security?
I'm sure the cameras must've captured the theft.
Cameras? What do you think this is, target?
It's gone, Caroline.
Must have stolen it while I was watching you do your stupid $5 dance.
I didn't turn my back on the rack. Why am I under attack?
See, this is why I shop alone. This is why I eat alone.
This is why I'm leaving alone.
Maria, I'll pay for these.
You don't have to box them. Just use tissue paper.
Even as I'm saying this, I know it's not gonna happen.
Max: Hey, Chestnut.
Hot as a mother, right?
Better, right?
[Whinnies]
[Singing] It's getting hot in here so hot
so take off all your clothes
I am getting so hot
I'm gonna take my clothes off
keep your voice down. This building has three registered sex offenders.
It's getting hot in here
so leave all that strokes t-shirt drama behind
come on, it's our night off. Let's go get drunk in air conditioning.
We won't even have to pay for drinks.
These shorts is gonna pay for our drinks.
You are literally a $5 whore right now.
Come on.
Hey, Johnny.
I told you to keep your tragic ass out of here.
The only thing that isn't tragic about me is my ass.
- Who's the blond, bony skank? - Oh, dude, she's not in on this.
Oh, I'm so sorry, miss. Hey, I'm Johnny. I'm Max's friend.
I'm Caroline. I'm freaked out.
This is something we do.
- To remind us of our families. - Mm-hm.
Excuse me for a second.
These guys tip more if I high-five them when they talk about chicks.
- Vagina. - Yeah. Yeah.
Wow, girl, your bartender friend is cute.
- Look at those arms. Nice guns. - Not just a bartender. This dude is legit.
He's a street artist. Goes by j-peg.
Hmm. Well, right now, he's cutting up limes and cleaning glasses.
Well, you're an heiress...
Who's slinging burnt hash and stale toast.
- Touché. - Douché.
These are from the gentlemen with the sweet note, "nice ass, nice rack."
[Screams]
If that's your Tequila noise, god knows what your orgasm sounds like.
Same face, no sound.
Oh, my god. I can't believe it. It's the girl from the will.
I got your back, "girr."
- What is she doing? - She thinks goodwill made her tough.
Caroline: Um, hi. How are you?
I wanted to talk about that shirt at the goodwill.
See, my friend really wanted it and, well, your friend has it.
Ahem. What are you saying, bitch?
I think we might have got off on the wrong foot.
Do you wanna feel my foot, bitch?
Well, I guess we know what your favorite word is.
[Yelps]
Those are not extensions, bitch.
[Yelps]
I should break this up.
Give her four seconds to learn her lesson.
- Okay! Ow! All right! All right! Ow! Aah! - Okay, okay, okay.
Johnny: Okay. Come on, come on. It's okay.
Shh, shh.
Max [in deep voice]: "Those are not extensions, bitch."
[Max laughing]
Are you still laughing? It wasn't funny.
[In normal voice] It was so funny. It was like looney tunes funny.
Like "bugs bunny getting shot in the face" funny.
Only in your version, bugs bunny tries to have a dialogue with the shotgun.
I was trying to get your t-shirt back.
I wanted you to have it. You lit up at the will when you saw it.
I do not light up. Okay? There's no light inside me.
What you're seeing is radiation...
From the summer I collected uranium tubes by the tracks.
That was good money.
"Thanks for looking out for me, Caroline." You're welcome.
It's a t-shirt. It's gone. I don't get attached to things.
Ow. My nail practically got torn off back there by Kat Von d-minus.
I'm gonna have to sleep with it elevated. Is there a nail place?
Well, this is New York so there's probably gonna be one right here.
I love when that happens.
Look, a two-for-one girlfriend special. Genius.
Go with me tomorrow before work, it'll be cheaper.
I really need one.
Plus you need one too.
Well, I can't. I have my own day of luxury already booked.
I'm doing laundry and then the tasting menu at Wendy's.
Come on. You and me, nails and air conditioning.
It'll be fun. You're doing it, girl.
Me and my friends used to love getting manicures.
Because they're black drag queens.
Hey, dude.
About that time?
Let me get the pooper-scooper.
[Grunts]
All right. Let's do this.
-Hey. Woman: Hey.
Let me ask you something. How is it that you, a horse, and Caroline...
Are living with me, and you're less of a problem?
You tell me, you've known her longer.
She picks a fight with a tatted-out white chick from the Bronx?
What is up with that?
[In squeaky voice] I don't know, man. I'm just used to it.
[In normal voice] That's what you'd sound like if you talked.
[In squeaky voice] I agree with you, by the way.
Everything you say is right, Max.
[In normal voice] Thank you, Chestnut.
[In squeaky voice] You should kill her.
[In normal voice] Chestnut, I can't do that.
[In squeaky voice] It'd be easy. We could kill her and eat her.
[In normal voice] Chestnut.
[Sighs]
All right, buddy, here's your spot.
Come on, do your business.
Come on, ches.
[Babbling]
Come on. Ha, ha.
Come on. Come on.
Chestnut, I got a lot of crap to do today.
[Whinnies]
And so do you. Jeez, don't be shy, buddy.
Oh, no, don't...
I hope you're happy. I look like a Cambodian stripper.
Um, they prefer to be called ping-pong-ball artists.
These cost $70.43.
She forced me to get tips and then tip her for the tips.
See, and all because you never showed up.
I didn't get the two-for-one discount because I was waiting alone for you.
Max, I have really tried to be girlfriends with you...
But you obviously have some issues.
Follow me to the walk-in.
Good. Let's get it out.
Here.
I thought we were gonna talk.
No, we just didn't have any chocolate cream in the case.
Why didn't you show up? You told me you were gonna be there.
I had a lot of crap to do.
You gave me the impression you were going.
I gave you the impression? I don't do impressions.
Well, that's not true. I do one, my mom.
But to do that, I need a Christmas tree, a gallon of vodka, and a lit cigarette.
So are we gonna be girlfriends or not?
Look, I'm gonna give this to you straight-up.
I am never gonna be the type of girlfriend you're used to.
I'm not your "girr" or your girl...
And I am not someone's two-for-one girlfriend crap at a nail store.
In fact, think of me as a dude.
So we good?
Yeah, we good.
I get it. You're not a girl's girl.
Okay, good.
I can be a girl's girl.
Oh. Caroline, please do not take advantage of me with your horse.
- What? - My trash pickup company...
Charge me extra because my dumpster is full of all your horse droppings.
- How would that be possible? - I see your good friend Max...
Walking your horse every morning and dropping droppings into my dumpster.
Did you walk my horse today?
Yeah, and every other morning.
- That's so sweet. I wish I had known. - What was I gonna do?
Post it on your Facebook wall? "Hi. Walked your horse again. Totes gross."
Besides, who did you think was doing it?
I've always had things done for me.
I've never thought about the people doing them.
Yeah, and I've never had things done for me, so I just do them.
Like now, how I'm making the coffee and you're just standing here watching me.
I wish you would have told me so I could say thank you.
Well, it's not really my style.
You are one complicated dude.
Pick up, borscht.
- Unbelievable. - What?
Hey, how you guys doing?
Cute strokes tee.
Probably look better on me, considering it's mine.
You snooze, you lose, puta.
Nice language.
You kiss your obviously closeted boyfriend with that mouth?
You know what? I wouldn't even want it now.
Now that it's been on you, it might as well have been a Kenny g shirt.
[Mimics bomb exploding]
And now I walk.
- You can't just let her win. - Oh, forget it. It's over.
Borscht. Pick up, pick up.
Hi, |'|| be right with you.
[Caroline gasps & woman screams]
[Shouting in Spanish]
[Speaking in Spanish]
I'm still a little clumsy. It's my first week.
I'll bring you some soda water.
But seriously, your boyfriend will come out before that borscht stain does.
- That was awesome. - Yeah, I kind of just do stuff.
Like I just did while you were standing there watching me.
Thanks, girlfriend.
- Oh. - What? Is she coming for me?
[English - us - sdh]