Evening, hot chocolate.
Max, we got big trouble from little China.
Hi, Max.
Big trouble? There's nothing big about him.
He looks like I won him in a bear-claw machine.
What is the worst sentence you ever wanna hear come out of han's mouth?
"I got you pregnant"?
Come on. Bad, bad.
"I got you pregnant again"?
- "I'm putting in karaoke." - No.
Han, those guys better be up there...
Because we're officially putting ass crack on the menu.
I am adding a TV to bring in more customers.
We can have theme nights.
Ultimate fighting night...
Real desperate housewives of bravo city night...
And best of all, karaoke night.
You can't give hipsters a microphone.
That's like throwing gasoline on a pretentious fire.
Hipsters like karaoke.
Replace the word "like" with the word "Hitler"...
And you've got the three worst things in history.
Max, I hear what you say.
But everybody else say, "hey, where my single ladies?"
Okay, next person is gonna sing "teenage dream" by Katy Perry...
Who is pretty now, but used to have very horrible acne.
This is the third "teenage dream" in 45 minutes.
Why don't I just close my nuts in the cashier's drawer?
Come on up now, girl named Stacey.
I got this.
Look, I don't know you, but I like you, and I respect both hair choices.
I hate karaoke.
I can't afford to have any more hate in my head.
My hate is at capacity.
Sit this one out, I'll comp your cobbler.
What did you do?
I saved Earl's nuts.
[Bell rings]
Pick up. Hot food. Pick up.
Calm your bells down, Oleg. Not my stations. Where's Caroline?
Would it make you jealous if I said she was back here with me?
Jealous? No. Pissed, probably, because we're busy...
And it would take me all that time to get the duct tape off her mouth and hands.
What are you doing, snow white?
If you're looking for one of your dwarves, he's there holding the mic.
Look, my bite is off. See, I did the bite test.
Number 7 incisor is crossing over number 9.
Hold up. You know the names of your teeth?
- Don't you? - I don't even know the name of my father.
Ow, I just bit my tongue.
Ah, number 12 just joined the party.
I'd stop doing that right now.
You just made it into Oleg's spank bank.
Congratulations.
What am I gonna do without my bite guard?
My teeth don't know where to go.
They should backpack for a couple of years till they figure it out.
Listen, perfect teeth, this is a nightmare for me.
The technical term for this is advanced bruxism.
And the technical term for you is overly dramatic.
You freaked out because we were out of toilet paper.
Just hold it till you get to work like everybody else.
Now maybe I sing while others wait.
Uh-oh. We got real problems now.
I choose Susan boyle popular song from all clips on Internet.
It's called "I dream..."
Keep dreaming.
Oh, you're back. We thought you ran away.
Chestnut and I were just about to pick out another human from the shelter.
I had quite a day. Eight to 10, grind, grind, pain.
Ten to 11, pain, pain, grind.
Went to the drug store, bought a bite guard...
Which didn't fit my freaky Tim Burton mouth.
When I tried to return it, the cashier, Rhonda, whose name tag said...
She was happy to help, who was neither happy nor helpful...
Said that I couldn't return it because it had already touched my "teef."
For someone whose jaw is about to unhinge, you're sure flapping it a lot.
Why is this rag with my father on it here?
Don't look at me, Chestnut bought it.
He likes it when I read him his daily horse-oscope.
Why is everybody obsessed with the fact he hasn't said anything?
Haven't you ever been at a loss for words?
Tampons, yes. Words, no.
Well, this will make me feel better.
Whenever I'm in pain, I need a treat.
Whenever you're in pain, that is my treat.
Sushi. I hope you like crab roll.
I never had Sushi.
That doesn't even make sense.
No Sushi, no dentist. Who are you?
A poor person.
Sushi's lazy.
If I come to your restaurant, get up off your ass and cook the damn fish.
I wish we could afford to go to this Sushi place in Tribeca...
Where my father always took me.
We had this little joke.
Every time we'd walk in, I'd always say:
[Speaking in Japanese]
And we would just laugh. Ha, ha.
So you're not funny in Japanese either.
I got this at a corner deli. The cashier was Japanese. She said it was good.
Oh, I'm sure it's great.
The disenfranchised immigrant serving the spoiled white girl...
Would have no reason to lie.
Get ready for something heavenly.
That's not heaven. Spit it out.
What a disappointment. Your first time.
Well, that's kind of the way it goes with me and first times.
Here. Clean yourself off.
Ha, ha. That's exactly the way it goes.
It's not that bad. It's not that bad. It's not that bad.
No, for a dentist's office in the subway, it's pretty good.
Seriously, how are you not running out of here?
I have no choice. Now that I have no money or health insurance...
I have to get used to this third world situation.
Third world situation?
This is an undennorld situation.
Okay, there's bulletproof glass...
With a bullet in it.
All right, so the glass works.
It says to sign in.
Why don't you take some of our cupcake business savings...
And go to a good dentist office?
One where you won't get a staph infection from looking at the floor.
No, we can't do that. That's our future.
Once we start doing that, it's a slippery slope.
"Nicole Richie"?
I don't want anyone to know I was here.
I know this situation is less than ideal, but I am having a dental emergency.
[Moaning]
No, he's having a dental emergency.
Come on, let's go over here and see if this man can help me.
Welcome to subway smiles.
[Man moans]
I told you, we'll get to you.
I'm sorry, girls, I'm a little shaky.
I was just shot at.
I have a problem with my teeth migrating.
I have advanced bruxism.
Ah, I have hep c.
Everybody's got their something.
- What do you need? - We need to be leaving.
I just need a bite guard.
Oh, I can do that.
That's where I squirt foam into your mouth...
And make a mold.
Come in the back.
If you go back there with him...
You'll need a bite guard and a rape guard.
- Do you want the gas? - Is that necessary?
You're gonna want the gas, sweetheart.
[Man moans]
One more song before we close.
I sing spice girls, "oh, tell me what you want, what you really, really want."
That boy's more stiff than Michele bachmann's husband at a chippendales.
I will give you the money for trip to fancy dentist.
Really? Oleg, you would do that?
Is favor I do for you.
At some point when I come to you for favor...
You will say yes like I say yes now.
Well, I'd need to know what that favor might be.
I can't say for sure.
Will it be in a week or a month?
I can't say for sure.
- Will it be sexual? - Yes, it will be.
This I can say for sure.
Thank you, but no.
I am such an idiot.
I like it. Keep going.
My bite guard is sitting in the bathroom of my town house.
If I could only get up on the roof, I could break in...
Like I used to when I snuck out in high school.
Hello, I'm Max. Have we met?
When I was 15, I paid the security guys extra to not wire the skylight...
Then I snuck out and went to Liana shapiro's sweet 16.
- Cute. - In Greece.
Hard-core.
I used to sneak out of the house and huff spray paint with an ex-marine.
And sometimes, I'd just sneak out...
Look up at the stars and dream.
And then you said that.
Caroline: See, I told you I could get the skylight open.
Max: Turn on a light. Caroline: Wait till I close the closet door.
Max: Why are the floors so bouncy?
Caroline: It's called carpet.
What?
No way. No way.
Is this narnia?
I'm about to say something I swore I'd never say.
OMG.
Again, OMG. It's lame, but nothing else really nails it.
This is the room that OMG was born for.
Max, it's just my closet.
Your clothes have a house.
Look, look.
[Max gasps]
You are rich.
Like, I know you said you were rich, but you are rich.
You're embarrassing me.
Are you crazy? This is nothing to be embarrassed about.
What's this do?
Oh, my god, you have a shoe rotisserie.
I designed it. I call it my Ferris heels.
I'd judge you if that wasn't exactly what I'd call it if I had one.
Okay, we should really go now. Let me just grab my bite guard.
What?
You have a museum in your closet?
Come on, it's just a bathroom.
Just a bathroom?
It's the louvre of pooping.
Here it is.
Ow. Ow. Ugh.
Ah. Oh, yeah.
Do you two need to be left alone?
[Lisping] We have to go. Can't risk staying much longer.
Wow, just when I thought your voice couldn't get any more grating.
It'll loosen up.
Oh, I know what we need.
Seriously, we should go.
Oh, um, I just have to do one thing before we go.
I think me and your tub are going steady.
Oh, you found the jacuzzi button.
I don't know who found who, but we're together now.
I'm totally stealing some of these ridiculous bath soaps.
This one's shaped like a vagina.
It's a seashell.
Sister, this is a mint-green vagina.
Did you go to the prom with your dad?
That's my debutante dance when I came out.
Out? Like you came out that you were dating your dad?
Gross. I think I can still fit a goose-feather pillow in.
Hey, what's this one of you and Chestnut and your dad?
Oh, that's when my dad bought Chestnut for me.
It was my first period present.
Your dad got you a horse for getting your period?
OMG.
You know how I celebrated getting my period?
Stole a painkiller and half a beer from my mom's boyfriend.
It wasn't a horse, but it was pretty awesome.
How come there are no pictures of your mom?
Because there aren't any.
She cheated on my dad when I was 5 and my grandmother got rid of her.
Not in, like, a mob way. In a society way, which is worse.
So who raised you?
Well, estella from 1989 to '96...
Then Dominica from '97 until she went back to Guatemala...
Then no one.
Funny. You didn't have a father, I didn't have a mother.
- So we're kind of... - Oh, we're alike?
Look around. We have nothing in common.
- Hey, what's this button for? - Music.
Oh, let me guess. Show tunes? Boy bands?
- I love this song. - I love this song.
[The black kids' "I'm not gonna teach...
[Your boyfriend how to dance with you" playing over speakers]
[Both laughing]
[Both clear throat]
See, I knew what we had in common wouldn't last.
- Were you crumping for a second? - Maybe.
Were you tootsie-rolling for a second?
Pfft. Yes.
- Get dressed. We really should go now. - Okay.
I have all the essentials.
Tampons, toilet paper, comforter, body shimmer.
Wait. What about the clothes?
Oh, what am I gonna do, walk around williamsburg in a $3000 gown?
Oh, my god, wait a minute.
Grab everything with a price tag on it that we can resell...
Or that you think I'd look amazing in.
[Alarm wailing]
Not the furs! They're wired.
Why would you wire the furs?
Everybody wires the furs, bitch.
Security's gonna be here in 10 minutes. Grab everything you can.
Wait. How are we gonna carry it all back to Brooklyn?
Man [on pa]: Watch the doors, please.
Watch the closing doors, please.
Jealous?
Look, two seats.
I think you got more stuff than me.
Well, you spent five minutes saying goodbye to the tub.
This was my fave purse to take dancing.
How'd you keep it on your shoulder when you went all mad crump?
Look, $200.
It's not enough we're sitting on the subway in furs, you gotta make it rain?
This is so exciting. It's going right into our cupcake fund.
- Or... - Or what?
Where was that place you always went with your dad?
Toro with black truffle.
You are about to have a Sushi toro-gasm.
Will you calm down? It's just...
Oh, sweet bejesus, that's delicious.
If this is Sushi, what was that other stuff we ate?
Wrong, on every level.
We need more of this. Like, all of it.
Can we have some more toro? Thank you so much.
And:
[Speaking in Japanese]
[All laughing]
[Man speaking in Japanese]
I get it now because I'm rich.
I don't know how you're pulling it off.
- What do you mean? - Giving up everything that you had.
The maids, the closet, the dentist, the Sushi, the tub, all of it.
I almost can't give it up and I only had it for an hour.
You're kind of a badass.
Max, you just called me a badass.
I'm drunk on black truffle.
[Phone rings]
It's my dad.
Wait, he actually exists?
Like the town house and the tub?
Hi, daddy. How are you?
I miss you so much.
I'm good. No, really.
I'm still staying in Brooklyn with my friend Max. She's great.
Oh, okay. Hold on. Love you, daddy.
- He wants to talk to you. - Me? Why?
- I wouldn't know what to say. - Take it. He's only allowed five minutes.
Ahem. Yo, what's up, Martin Channing?
You're welcome, but I di...
Well, thank you.
Yeah, she's great.
Real trouper.
Well, bye. What?
Okay, I'll tell her.
Daddy?
He's gone.
So that's what a father sounds like.
What did he say?
He wanted me to remind you to wear your bite guard.
See? He can't be as bad as everyone says.
He just can't be.
[Speaks in Japan ese]
Oh, my god. The 200 didn't cover it.
Start checking the purses.
Oh, hey, do you take hats?
Any cougars in the house?
In case you don't know, "cougar" means older lady with a large sexual appetite.
Lady past prime with tight clothes who wants sex from young men.
Max, what is the one thing worse than karaoke?
- Oh, no. - That's right.
Open mic night.
Cougar also have face-lift. From behind look 22.
She turn around, 72.
It's true. It's funny because it's true.
Bad news. They heightened security because we tripped the alarm.
The entire town house is locked down. We can never go back.
My tub.
Why does anything that gives me pleasure wind up behind bars?
Forget about the tub.
Everything was inventoried. We can't sell the furs.
- I should've thought of that. - You should've.
Because you know they always inventory the furs, bitch.
[English - us - sdh]