1 00:00:02,920 --> 00:00:03,962 Here you go, Earl. 2 00:00:04,129 --> 00:00:07,424 Table 12 throwing down a credit card on a Patty melt. 3 00:00:07,591 --> 00:00:10,802 Do they really need those eight airline miles? 4 00:00:10,969 --> 00:00:12,846 Where they going, New Jersey? 5 00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:16,225 Credit cards are the downfall of america. 6 00:00:16,391 --> 00:00:18,936 Well, credit cards and Kim Kardashian. 7 00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:23,732 I like a big ass as much as the next man. 8 00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:27,486 But don't go give the damn butt a franchise. 9 00:00:29,404 --> 00:00:33,700 - Max, I can take a lot. - Please keep your sex life to yourself. 10 00:00:34,576 --> 00:00:38,455 I handled it when I lost my fortune and I handled it when I lost my fortune. 11 00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:42,459 - You said that twice. - Because I think it bears repeating. 12 00:00:42,626 --> 00:00:45,128 But this is too much. That couple that just left... 13 00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:50,008 A $50 check, a $1.47 tip. 14 00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:53,720 Forty-seven cents? Uh, I wasn't even aware they were still making pennies. 15 00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:58,600 I smiled and bent over backwards giving them service... 16 00:00:58,767 --> 00:01:01,353 All for $1.47? 17 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:04,565 This makes me the lowest paid hooker in New York. 18 00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:07,442 All right, give me that check. I'll handle this. 19 00:01:12,864 --> 00:01:17,077 Hey. Was something wrong with the service my girl over here gave you? 20 00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:21,665 - No. Tipping is an option. - 80 is me spitting in your food. 21 00:01:21,832 --> 00:01:25,460 You might wanna remember that the next time you leave a waitress pennies. 22 00:01:25,627 --> 00:01:27,379 I'm sorry. I didn't know. 23 00:01:27,546 --> 00:01:30,299 This was our first and last date. 24 00:01:31,133 --> 00:01:33,260 Sorry, dude. Looks like this little tip... 25 00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:36,888 Just lost you the chance to give her your little tip. 26 00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:39,224 Unh. 27 00:01:53,071 --> 00:01:55,907 Come in, sit down. There's something we have to talk about. 28 00:01:56,074 --> 00:02:00,329 This can't be about my drinking. I don't have the money to be a real alcoholic. 29 00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:03,540 - Can you sit in that chair, please? - I never sit in that chair. 30 00:02:03,707 --> 00:02:06,835 Well, today we're doing things differently, breaking our patterns. 31 00:02:07,002 --> 00:02:09,880 Hold up. Did you join scientology? 32 00:02:10,047 --> 00:02:12,257 And I went to Starbucks and got you a coffee... 33 00:02:12,424 --> 00:02:13,759 And a vanilla bear claw. 34 00:02:13,925 --> 00:02:16,887 A bear claw? Awesome. I'll sit anywhere you want. 35 00:02:18,305 --> 00:02:22,726 My life is not where I want it to be. That $1 .47 tip was a wakeup call... 36 00:02:22,893 --> 00:02:26,563 Reminding me that life will always undervalue you if you let it. 37 00:02:26,730 --> 00:02:29,210 Yes, I've been knocked down, but now it's time to fight back... 38 00:02:29,358 --> 00:02:30,984 And grab life by the balls. 39 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:34,279 I don't know if life likes having its balls grabbed. 40 00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:39,618 Some guys do, but those are usually the ones who want you to spoon them. 41 00:02:39,785 --> 00:02:42,037 I'd like to explain my vision for our future... 42 00:02:42,204 --> 00:02:46,249 By walking you through my vision board. 43 00:02:46,416 --> 00:02:48,460 - Oh, no. - It's a simple tool. 44 00:02:48,627 --> 00:02:50,420 You're a simple tool. 45 00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:54,758 - You start with a thin, white board... - You're thin, white, and I'm bored. 46 00:02:56,093 --> 00:02:59,471 Keep going. I can do this all day. I have a bear claw in me. 47 00:02:59,638 --> 00:03:03,100 I've been making vision boards for years and I always achieve my goals. 48 00:03:03,266 --> 00:03:06,353 You think it's that little board and not your father's billions? 49 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:09,439 Max, it works. You put up pictures and inspirational words... 50 00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:11,149 Of things you want in life. 51 00:03:11,316 --> 00:03:15,904 I have success, a cupcake business and a picture of a beautiful new bed. 52 00:03:16,071 --> 00:03:19,825 The ones at the asylum look different than that, so don't get attached. 53 00:03:19,991 --> 00:03:21,993 Sleeping on that couch is holding me back. 54 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:25,247 I never get a restful night's sleep and I need a good nine hours. 55 00:03:25,455 --> 00:03:27,999 What you need is a good nine inches. 56 00:03:31,253 --> 00:03:33,964 That should be on your vision board. 57 00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:37,384 It is, on the back. 58 00:03:38,844 --> 00:03:39,886 Nice. 59 00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:43,223 Now, unless you're willing to switch the bedroom every other week... 60 00:03:43,390 --> 00:03:45,142 No, that sounds mormon. 61 00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:47,894 Then I wanna install a Murphy bed in here. 62 00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:49,855 The bed folds up during the day... 63 00:03:50,021 --> 00:03:52,649 So you'd still maintain your signature williamsburg: 64 00:03:52,816 --> 00:03:55,152 "I don't care about anything chic or nice" decor. 65 00:03:55,318 --> 00:03:57,320 Who's gonna build it? Because it's not me. 66 00:03:57,487 --> 00:04:00,157 I'm already being taken advantage of at my babysitting job. 67 00:04:00,323 --> 00:04:03,827 Peach has me lugging things to help with the twins' first birthday party. 68 00:04:03,994 --> 00:04:06,496 I've been sorting through clown resumes for a week. 69 00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:09,040 Peach is throwing a birthday party? 70 00:04:09,207 --> 00:04:11,418 Did you ask her if we can cater the desserts? 71 00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,670 She hires fancy people with real companies. 72 00:04:13,837 --> 00:04:16,965 - We're not a real business. - See? This is what I'm talking about. 73 00:04:17,132 --> 00:04:20,761 You mock the vision board, but look, here it is, our cupcake shop. 74 00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:22,846 I don't think we can both fit in there. 75 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:26,558 Max, you have to start imagining what our life can be. 76 00:04:26,725 --> 00:04:29,770 You deserve a cupcake shop and I deserve a new bed. 77 00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:31,772 All you have to do is dream it. 78 00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:34,441 No, all you have to do is do it. 79 00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:37,277 And for you to build a Murphy bed, it'll take a miracle. 80 00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:41,823 So unless you have Jesus or Jesus on that board... 81 00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:44,659 Not gonna happen. 82 00:04:44,868 --> 00:04:46,620 [Knock on door] 83 00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:49,831 -Who is it? Man: It's Jesus. 84 00:04:50,957 --> 00:04:53,794 From williamsburg hardware. 85 00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:58,215 We got your do-it-yourself Murphy bed. 86 00:04:58,715 --> 00:05:01,510 See how I made that happen? Vision. 87 00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:04,554 So which one of them has the nine inches? 88 00:05:09,059 --> 00:05:12,354 - Guess what I did today? - Jesus? 89 00:05:13,438 --> 00:05:16,483 - What do you think? - I think the bed still isn't built. 90 00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:18,401 No, but it's almost finished. Ahem. 91 00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:20,862 Look, notice anything different about me? 92 00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:24,241 I have answer. You had boob job. 93 00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:28,829 Your bs have turned into cs, and for that, I give you an a. 94 00:05:29,704 --> 00:05:31,998 No, I had my uniform altered. 95 00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:35,252 Yes, life dealt me a bad uniform, but with a little vision... 96 00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:37,754 I can shape it the way it works best for me. 97 00:05:37,921 --> 00:05:41,007 That should be a tip in your inspirational book, which I'm guessing is called: 98 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:44,678 Cutting pictures out of magazines isn't just for serial killers anymore. 99 00:05:45,095 --> 00:05:48,348 And this is exciting. The other important thing I did today... 100 00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:50,600 Made us cards. You can give one to peach. 101 00:05:50,767 --> 00:05:53,228 Throw our hat into the ring. You're her babysitter. 102 00:05:53,395 --> 00:05:54,437 You have a connection. 103 00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:57,649 Yeah, a connection to her babies' asses. 104 00:05:58,316 --> 00:06:00,026 See? That's your limited vision. 105 00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:03,321 Peach is interviewing this gay guy who worked for Martha Stewart. 106 00:06:03,488 --> 00:06:05,782 I mean, gay, Martha Stewart, we can't top that. 107 00:06:06,324 --> 00:06:09,077 Just give her the cards. We have to start somewhere. See? 108 00:06:09,244 --> 00:06:10,537 Max's homemade cupcakes. 109 00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:14,040 And look, "Max black, owner/baker." 110 00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:17,502 "Owner/baker"? That's pretty cool. 111 00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:21,256 - See? There it is. It's real. - But the name sucks a big one. 112 00:06:21,423 --> 00:06:23,300 Homemade? It sounds like homeschooled. 113 00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:27,637 Like we're churning out cupcakes that aren't comfortable around other people. 114 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:31,182 Or it sounds delicious. 115 00:06:31,349 --> 00:06:33,643 And the cupcake on the card has a cherry on it. 116 00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:37,856 My cupcakes don't have a cherry, haven't since I was 13. 117 00:06:47,449 --> 00:06:50,076 If you could really get under his shoulder blades... 118 00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:53,496 That's where he carries all his stress. 119 00:06:54,164 --> 00:06:57,000 Don't say your real thoughts. Don't say your real thoughts. 120 00:06:57,167 --> 00:07:01,046 Max, we're using our spa voice today. 121 00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:05,216 Use my spa voice? Okay. I can't afford this. 122 00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:09,721 Peach: I want you to make sure the twins drink lots of water after. 123 00:07:09,888 --> 00:07:14,059 - You know, to flush out the toxins. - Toxins? All they drink is breast milk. 124 00:07:14,225 --> 00:07:17,729 I can't be sure what the woman I buy that from puts in her body. 125 00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:20,815 We're all so tense about the birthday party. 126 00:07:20,982 --> 00:07:24,319 If everything isn't perfect, how will they live with the shame? 127 00:07:25,862 --> 00:07:30,200 Um, heh, peach, um, ahem. Speaking of, uh, the party... 128 00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:35,205 Uh, I started this, um, thing and it's probably dumb, but... 129 00:07:35,372 --> 00:07:37,707 And I don't need it. Like I'm fine. I don't need it. 130 00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:40,752 It's just more like a, heh, favor. 131 00:07:40,919 --> 00:07:44,673 But, uh, the thing is there's the cards, so I was thinking maybly... 132 00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:46,967 "Maybly"? What's that? It's not a word, right? 133 00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:49,135 - I was not saying a word. - I'm sorry. 134 00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:52,347 I'm done with whatever this is that you're doing. 135 00:07:52,514 --> 00:07:55,809 I have to go meet the Martha Stewart queen and hear his party pitch. 136 00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:59,270 Just remember at 3 the twins have their spray tans. 137 00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:06,486 Well, hmm, that's exactly how I envisioned that. 138 00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:11,491 Let me see what you're drawing, Johnny. 139 00:08:12,242 --> 00:08:14,244 A rat with a civil war hat. 140 00:08:14,411 --> 00:08:17,288 Is that your comment on how politicians view soldiers? 141 00:08:17,455 --> 00:08:20,834 No, it's an actual rat I saw wearing a hat. 142 00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:25,296 See, when you tend bar till 4 am, you see a lot of weird stuff. 143 00:08:25,463 --> 00:08:29,467 And when you waitress till 2, you see a loser drawing a rat on a napkin. Heh, heh. 144 00:08:30,802 --> 00:08:32,220 Now sign it, please. 145 00:08:32,387 --> 00:08:35,098 You realize my art won't be worth anything till I'm dead? 146 00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:38,143 Why do you think I keep inviting you here to eat week after week? 147 00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:40,145 [Laughs] 148 00:08:42,313 --> 00:08:44,482 Question: How does it feel to be the owner... 149 00:08:44,649 --> 00:08:46,276 Of a piece of napkin art... 150 00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:49,654 Worth roughly less than the worth of the napkin? 151 00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:01,833 - I gotta get back to work. - Okay, bye. 152 00:09:04,502 --> 00:09:07,005 Pick up, table 10. 153 00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:08,757 I watch you over there. 154 00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:12,052 Much sexual tension with deadbeat bartender. 155 00:09:12,594 --> 00:09:14,971 He's not just a bartender. He's a street artist. 156 00:09:15,138 --> 00:09:17,474 And all I did was bite a piece of celery. 157 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:20,852 When I think of all the times I asked you to bite my celery... 158 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:24,773 And nothing. 159 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,903 Okay, my side work's done and my tables are all caught up. 160 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,821 So tell me, did you give peach the card? 161 00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:33,740 -No, I didn't. —why? 162 00:09:33,907 --> 00:09:35,700 My mouth wouldn't let me do it. 163 00:09:35,867 --> 00:09:38,953 That's crazy. What's so hard about going up to peach and saying: 164 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:42,749 "Good afternoon. Exciting news. I started a cupcake business. Here's our card. 165 00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:46,461 Please pass them to your friends and help us launch our new business venture." 166 00:09:46,628 --> 00:09:47,670 That sounds needy. 167 00:09:47,837 --> 00:09:50,882 Like when someone asks you to come to their one-woman show. 168 00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:52,717 "Somebody date raped me. 169 00:09:52,884 --> 00:09:57,972 I didn't think I'd live through it, but I did, and now I'm stronger and, uh, still needy." 170 00:09:58,139 --> 00:10:01,851 There is nothing needy about having a quality product and wanting it out there. 171 00:10:02,018 --> 00:10:05,355 - Look at Earl, he has a cd on display. - Yeah, but he's cool about it. 172 00:10:05,522 --> 00:10:09,567 He doesn't get all late-night infomercial and shove them down people's throats. 173 00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:13,196 Earl? How many cds have you sold at the diner? 174 00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:16,991 Well, in this current economy... 175 00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:19,619 It's been pretty light. 176 00:10:23,206 --> 00:10:26,709 Hi. You guys look like music lovers. 177 00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:30,088 This is the best saxophone cd you will ever hear. 178 00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:32,006 Recorded by our cashier Earl Samson. 179 00:10:32,173 --> 00:10:35,385 He's played with all the greats, Coltrane, hancock, even Bacharach. 180 00:10:35,552 --> 00:10:38,138 His music career derailed due to a heroin addiction... 181 00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:43,852 But now, he's clean and sober, and at 83, still following his dream. 182 00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:46,938 Only 9.95 a copy. Who'd like one? 183 00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:49,941 Thank you. 184 00:10:50,108 --> 00:10:51,693 Earl, four cds. 185 00:10:53,111 --> 00:10:54,279 Is any of that true? 186 00:10:54,445 --> 00:10:57,657 Nope. She even made up my damn last name. 187 00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:01,744 That girl can sell. 188 00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:07,876 Oh, Max, will you come look at Brangelina? 189 00:11:08,459 --> 00:11:10,795 I think the spray tan lady went a little too far. 190 00:11:10,962 --> 00:11:14,507 I wanted them to look tan, not foreign. 191 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,968 They look fine. A little Lebanese... 192 00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:19,637 But that will clear up in a day or two. 193 00:11:19,804 --> 00:11:22,140 I'm having the worst day. 194 00:11:22,307 --> 00:11:25,059 Jessica Seinfeld stole the Martha Stewart boy. 195 00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:26,895 I am so upset with her. 196 00:11:27,061 --> 00:11:29,105 I thought we were pretending to be friends. 197 00:11:29,272 --> 00:11:31,274 And now I have no one to do the desserts. 198 00:11:34,402 --> 00:11:35,612 Okay. 199 00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:37,071 [Exhales] 200 00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:40,283 Hello, peach, exciting news, I have a cupcake business. 201 00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:41,492 They're really good. 202 00:11:41,659 --> 00:11:44,495 Give these to your friends and help launch our business or whatever. 203 00:11:44,662 --> 00:11:46,998 That's it. I did it. Boom. 204 00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:54,339 Okay, the bed still isn't built, but the mattress came and it's so good. 205 00:11:54,505 --> 00:11:56,549 Oh, no, this is not okay. 206 00:11:56,716 --> 00:12:01,346 We're not keeping a mattress on the floor. We're poor, not crack heads. 207 00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:06,601 And you tricked me. I did my part, so you better get this bed done. 208 00:12:06,768 --> 00:12:09,229 Max, you gave peach the cards. I'm so proud of you. 209 00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:12,565 - What did she say? - No. Shut it. Do it. 210 00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:16,069 The bed will be assembled and hidden in the wall by the end of the day. 211 00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:19,155 I decided to do what cute girls have been doing for centuries. 212 00:12:19,322 --> 00:12:20,531 I asked a guy for help. 213 00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:22,116 You called a guy? 214 00:12:22,283 --> 00:12:24,452 Is he gonna climb up your long blonde hair... 215 00:12:24,619 --> 00:12:27,872 And rescue you from your Murphy bed tower? 216 00:12:28,456 --> 00:12:30,833 Wait. You don't know any guys. Who did you invite? 217 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,836 - Johnny. - No. No, no, no. 218 00:12:34,003 --> 00:12:35,338 I don't want to see Johnny. 219 00:12:35,505 --> 00:12:37,632 I had a weird thing with him at the diner last night. 220 00:12:37,799 --> 00:12:40,677 - I thought you guys were friends. - I don't know what we are. 221 00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:43,263 He was fake interviewing me with a celery stalk. 222 00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:45,515 Because you're both grown-ups. 223 00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:48,851 When he put it near my mouth I thought he wanted me to bite it. 224 00:12:49,018 --> 00:12:50,687 -You bit it? —I bit it. 225 00:12:50,853 --> 00:12:53,982 That is weird and humiliating and hot. 226 00:12:54,148 --> 00:12:57,694 Yes, yes, and yes. Call him now. He can't come over here. Look around. 227 00:12:57,860 --> 00:13:01,656 I have his napkins hanging up everywhere. He'll think I'm Dexter. 228 00:13:02,573 --> 00:13:04,033 [Intercom buzzes] 229 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,536 Don't answer that. 230 00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:09,664 Come on in, Johnny. Yes, I did it. I need a bed. 231 00:13:09,831 --> 00:13:12,166 - You are so selfish. - Yes, I'm selfish and you're Dexter. 232 00:13:12,333 --> 00:13:14,544 So quick, help me take down the napkins. 233 00:13:14,711 --> 00:13:16,129 God, there are so many. 234 00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,798 How come I never noticed how many there were before? 235 00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:22,468 Same reason you didn't notice your father stealing everybody's money. 236 00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:24,929 Really? Really? Now when I'm helping you? 237 00:13:25,096 --> 00:13:26,973 You're right. We'll trash you later. 238 00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:29,642 Why don't you ask him what the celery moment meant? 239 00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:32,854 - I don't wanna ask him. - You don't wanna ask anybody anything. 240 00:13:33,021 --> 00:13:35,189 It's not like the cards. What am I gonna say? 241 00:13:35,356 --> 00:13:37,317 "Good afternoon, Johnny. Exciting news... 242 00:13:37,483 --> 00:13:41,029 I have started an oddly sexual celery-biting business." 243 00:13:41,237 --> 00:13:42,655 [Knock on door] 244 00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:45,575 Be right there, Johnny. Give me that. Give me. 245 00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:56,502 So I brought tools per your request... 246 00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,838 And beer I made an executive decision on. 247 00:14:00,465 --> 00:14:03,051 So that's what you do with my art. 248 00:14:03,217 --> 00:14:06,054 Just one, and I put it up there. She doesn't even like it. 249 00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:09,307 She's like, "why would anyone hang up stupid napkin art?" 250 00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:13,853 Right off my back. Had a couple of these on the subway. 251 00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:15,688 So here's the wood. 252 00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:19,484 You can't help her. She needs to learn a lesson about doing things for herself. 253 00:14:19,650 --> 00:14:23,946 She thinks we're her daddy and we'll go back on our word and she'll get a pony. 254 00:14:24,155 --> 00:14:25,990 [Horse neighs] 255 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,160 Well, you can see why she'd think that. 256 00:14:29,327 --> 00:14:31,412 I'm gonna see if the horse wants a beer. 257 00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:36,667 Hmm. Maybe put my glasses on him, get crazy up in this piece. 258 00:14:37,919 --> 00:14:40,421 When you're out there, ask him what the celery meant. 259 00:14:40,588 --> 00:14:43,132 Ugh. Get busy, Princess. Daddy's got company. 260 00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:48,554 [In southern voice] Well, little lady, I reckon a cowboy... 261 00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:50,973 Get used to a pretty sweet setup like this. 262 00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:53,017 It's hard life out on the trails. 263 00:14:53,184 --> 00:14:56,062 It's hard for my people too, since you stole all our land... 264 00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:58,689 And gave us blankets covered in smallpox. 265 00:14:59,190 --> 00:15:02,026 I do declare, I'm sorry for the disease blankets. 266 00:15:02,193 --> 00:15:05,988 But they did keep you warm, I bet, until they killed you that is. 267 00:15:06,155 --> 00:15:09,075 "I do declare" is not cowboy. That's southern belle. 268 00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:12,453 I think you're looking for "darn tooting" or "dagnabit." 269 00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:15,164 - Cowboys did not say "dagnabit." - Yeah, they did. 270 00:15:15,331 --> 00:15:18,709 "Someone done gone stole my horse, dagnabit." 271 00:15:18,876 --> 00:15:22,630 - I think you're thinking "doggone it." - No, "dagnabit." Cowboy. 272 00:15:22,797 --> 00:15:24,465 You think you know cowboy better than me? 273 00:15:24,632 --> 00:15:28,719 - Which one of us has a horse? - Which one of us has assless chaps? 274 00:15:31,305 --> 00:15:35,977 - Should I go inside and help Caroline? - No. I'm sure she's doing just fine. 275 00:15:38,729 --> 00:15:41,315 - Can I ask you something? - Sure. 276 00:15:42,024 --> 00:15:44,193 When you put the... 277 00:15:45,319 --> 00:15:47,280 We should get on the horse. 278 00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:51,367 [Both chuckle] 279 00:15:51,534 --> 00:15:54,162 Man [on video]: Use three-inch lag screw... 280 00:15:54,328 --> 00:15:57,665 To secure ledger board to wall studs... 281 00:15:57,832 --> 00:16:00,209 About every 12 inches. 282 00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:05,256 Ugh. Your Canadian voice is so dull, I can't understand a word you're saying. 283 00:16:06,048 --> 00:16:08,676 There's got to be a video with a better voice. 284 00:16:08,843 --> 00:16:13,389 "How to build a Murphy bed, Morgan Freeman." 285 00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:19,812 Interesting bit of information about horses, they hurt your balls. 286 00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:21,481 Yeah, mine hurt too. Heh. 287 00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:23,941 You would think after years of riding a horse... 288 00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:27,320 Man would evolve to have his balls on top instead of underneath. 289 00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,030 Life would be so much easier. 290 00:16:29,197 --> 00:16:31,532 Yeah, but I don't see a lot of old timey ladies... 291 00:16:31,699 --> 00:16:33,743 Wanting to get with the top balls. 292 00:16:33,910 --> 00:16:35,953 [Both chuckle] 293 00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,416 Are you thinking about the celery? 294 00:16:40,583 --> 00:16:43,336 No, I'm still thinking about my balls. 295 00:16:45,463 --> 00:16:47,924 Now I'm thinking about the celery. 296 00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:50,885 That was weird, right? 297 00:16:51,052 --> 00:16:56,057 Not weird really, more, um, intense. 298 00:16:56,349 --> 00:16:59,018 Intense good or intense bad? 299 00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:01,812 Intense, intense. 300 00:17:03,105 --> 00:17:04,482 Max: Whoa. Oh. 301 00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:07,777 - Did I just grab your...? - Yeah, I don't know. Maybly. 302 00:17:07,944 --> 00:17:10,780 - "Maybly." ha, ha. That's not a word, right? - Ha, ha. 303 00:17:10,947 --> 00:17:12,448 - We should... - I gotta get down. 304 00:17:12,615 --> 00:17:13,658 Me too. 305 00:17:13,824 --> 00:17:15,868 Both [in unison]: My balls. 306 00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:20,581 So take your makeup brush, take your mirror... 307 00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:24,210 And you want to comb your eyebrows upwards. 308 00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:26,796 - What are you doing? - Okay, okay. 309 00:17:26,963 --> 00:17:29,340 I thought I typed in "Morgan Freeman." 310 00:17:29,507 --> 00:17:33,386 But I'm so tired, what came up was "more gay men"... 311 00:17:35,638 --> 00:17:37,598 But this Damon guy is a genius. 312 00:17:37,765 --> 00:17:41,852 If he had a video on how to build a Murphy bed, it'd already be done. 313 00:17:42,019 --> 00:17:44,855 Wait. Where's Johnny? What happened? Did you ask him? 314 00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:47,358 - No, he left. - Out the back? 315 00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:51,237 Yeah, it got even weirder. He grabbed my boob. 316 00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:53,739 Or he didn't grab my... He grabbed my boob. 317 00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,741 I just don't know whether it was on purpose. 318 00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:57,577 But I asked like you told me to... 319 00:17:57,743 --> 00:18:01,539 And now I have a weird boob moment to go with my weird celery moment. 320 00:18:02,373 --> 00:18:06,002 That is very complicated. But I'm great with relationship stuff. 321 00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:10,464 So come on over here and we'll hammer it all out while we hammer this all out. 322 00:18:11,674 --> 00:18:14,927 Come on, this is where you break down and finally help me build the bed. 323 00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:17,471 No, this is where I go to my already-built bed. 324 00:18:17,638 --> 00:18:20,099 And after peach's today and... 325 00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:22,435 Whatever that was out there with my boob... 326 00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:25,730 I'm not showing anyone my cards anymore, business or personal. 327 00:18:31,736 --> 00:18:35,156 Go in. Go in. 328 00:18:35,323 --> 00:18:36,991 Ugh! 329 00:18:42,705 --> 00:18:44,457 What is happening out here? 330 00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:48,919 That kind of pounding's supposed to happen after you're in the bed. 331 00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:54,300 I can't do it. I tried. I really did, but I can't. 332 00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:57,428 I guess I can't do anything without my father's money. 333 00:18:57,595 --> 00:18:59,722 You were right. Trying is embarrassing. 334 00:18:59,889 --> 00:19:02,808 So I'm not gonna try anymore. I'm sick of it. 335 00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:05,686 I'm gonna sleep on that horrible couch... 336 00:19:05,853 --> 00:19:10,566 And get bad tips and cry every waitress day for the rest of my life. 337 00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:14,695 Daddy, please. 338 00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:19,200 God, you're a baby. Okay, I'll help you this one time only. 339 00:19:19,367 --> 00:19:22,078 We're not gonna bond. Not gonna high-five when we finish. 340 00:19:22,244 --> 00:19:25,247 And I don't wanna hear, "remember that night we built the bed? 341 00:19:25,414 --> 00:19:28,042 That was awesome." None of that. Got it? 342 00:19:28,209 --> 00:19:33,047 We need the power drill, quarter-inch bit, some masonry screws and a bear claw. 343 00:19:33,589 --> 00:19:35,049 Now delete "eyebrows"... 344 00:19:35,216 --> 00:19:38,552 Type in "Murphy bed" and let's build this mother. 345 00:19:41,555 --> 00:19:45,267 - I can't believe we did it. - Yeah, it looks pretty good. 346 00:19:47,353 --> 00:19:51,399 Oh, Max, you put the bakery up on your vision beam. 347 00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:54,735 Say anything more and I'll take it down. 348 00:19:54,902 --> 00:19:56,946 [Cell phone beeping] 349 00:19:57,113 --> 00:20:00,241 - Do you know this number? - That's peach. Why would she call you? 350 00:20:00,408 --> 00:20:03,577 It's about the cupcake business, my number's on the card. 351 00:20:05,079 --> 00:20:07,498 - Put it on speaker. - Caroline: Hello? 352 00:20:07,665 --> 00:20:09,946 Peach [over speaker]: I found your card in my baby's room. 353 00:20:10,084 --> 00:20:12,128 [Have no idea who you are or how it got there... 354 00:20:12,294 --> 00:20:14,171 But I'm throwing a birthday party in a week. 355 00:20:14,338 --> 00:20:16,090 And I thought cupcakes might be fun. 356 00:20:16,257 --> 00:20:20,469 Oh, they are. People love cupcakes. They bring a sense of whimsy and nostalgia. 357 00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:22,012 Peach: That's enough. 358 00:20:22,179 --> 00:20:25,558 Why don't you tell me some of the other events you've done. 359 00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:29,770 - Oh, well, we're a startup company. - Peach: Oh, no, [need a real business. 360 00:20:29,937 --> 00:20:31,772 Bye-bye. 361 00:20:31,939 --> 00:20:35,192 Well, there you go. Complete waste of our time. 362 00:20:35,359 --> 00:20:40,823 - See? Trying is embarrassing. - No. That was great, incredible. 363 00:20:40,990 --> 00:20:45,327 - What? She hung up on you. - Yes. But it proves one thing. 364 00:20:45,494 --> 00:20:48,330 The cards, they worked. This is so inspiring. 365 00:20:48,497 --> 00:20:51,125 First, we build a Murphy bed, next a cupcake business. 366 00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:54,170 Then Max, who knows what else? 367 00:20:59,717 --> 00:21:03,888 - Adjust the Springs? - No, that's perfect. 368 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,002 [English - us - sdh]