1 00:00:04,129 --> 00:00:06,965 Pick up table 10, table 12, table 69. 2 00:00:07,132 --> 00:00:09,468 Oleg, there is no table 69. 3 00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:11,678 There could be. 4 00:00:12,971 --> 00:00:14,306 Oleg just sixty-nined me... 5 00:00:14,473 --> 00:00:17,267 And now I don't remember any of the table numbers. 6 00:00:17,434 --> 00:00:20,312 He's never going to stop sixty-nining us, forget the numbers. 7 00:00:20,479 --> 00:00:22,773 Here's how you remember orders: Nicknames. 8 00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:27,069 Look, I got thin cee lo, fat Rihanna... 9 00:00:27,236 --> 00:00:31,240 Jonberet Ramsey, and Kristen bad wiig. 10 00:00:31,990 --> 00:00:35,410 Oh, okay, I got Seth Rogaine, child molester mustache... 11 00:00:35,577 --> 00:00:38,330 And lesbian Justin bieber. 12 00:00:38,497 --> 00:00:40,290 - Good. - Thanks. 13 00:00:41,667 --> 00:00:45,003 Pick-up table six... Ty-nine. 14 00:00:58,934 --> 00:01:03,021 So can I get you anything else? Coffee? Dessert? Morning-after pill? 15 00:01:03,689 --> 00:01:05,440 Okay. 16 00:01:06,525 --> 00:01:08,819 Getting it on in a restaurant. 17 00:01:09,444 --> 00:01:14,491 I once made love to a young Angela lansbury in a booth just like that. 18 00:01:14,658 --> 00:01:18,203 Murder, she wrote? More like harder, she begged. 19 00:01:19,788 --> 00:01:21,540 Earl, why isn't everyone you? 20 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:23,292 Yo, what's up, mama? 21 00:01:23,458 --> 00:01:26,003 Oh, hey, Johnny. Usual? Two coffees to go? 22 00:01:26,169 --> 00:01:27,879 Yeah, and can I get two cupcakes? 23 00:01:28,046 --> 00:01:29,881 Which two? 24 00:01:30,048 --> 00:01:31,341 You know which two. 25 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:35,387 - The discounted day-olds? - Yeah, girl. 26 00:01:35,554 --> 00:01:40,183 - Hey, my bro and friend. - Hey, what's up, big guy? 27 00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,899 Max, your boyfriend is here. 28 00:01:48,066 --> 00:01:51,153 He is not my boyfriend. Just another guy who likes my cupcakes. 29 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:53,155 Because who doesn't? 30 00:01:53,322 --> 00:01:55,407 Well, your face gets red when you see him... 31 00:01:55,574 --> 00:01:57,576 And you suddenly act like nice person. 32 00:01:59,036 --> 00:02:01,580 If that's not love, I don't know what is. 33 00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:04,374 He doesn't know what love is. 34 00:02:04,541 --> 00:02:07,836 The only thing he ever loved was a stepladder. 35 00:02:09,421 --> 00:02:13,091 Johnny, here's your stale cake and burnt coffee. 36 00:02:13,258 --> 00:02:16,637 - Just how I like it. What do I owe you? - It's on me. 37 00:02:18,096 --> 00:02:20,766 Pssh. You wish it was on you. 38 00:02:22,267 --> 00:02:23,852 There's nothing going on. 39 00:02:24,019 --> 00:02:27,022 He comes in to get coffee because he tags billboards all night. 40 00:02:27,189 --> 00:02:30,275 Me thinks the lady doth protest too much. 41 00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:32,235 Listen, renaissance fair... 42 00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:34,404 Be a good wench and clean your counter. 43 00:02:39,368 --> 00:02:43,622 Until the cupcake business takes off, I'm gonna have to find a temp job online. 44 00:02:43,789 --> 00:02:46,458 Can I close this window that says "Mexican pain killers"? 45 00:02:46,625 --> 00:02:50,003 Yeah, but bookmark it first. 46 00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:54,466 Here we are. Craigslist. Okay. How does this job sound? 47 00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:56,301 Disgusting and depraved. 48 00:02:56,468 --> 00:02:57,969 You didn't even hear it yet. 49 00:02:58,136 --> 00:02:59,763 Did I not hear "craigslist"? 50 00:03:01,139 --> 00:03:05,394 Oh, here's something easy I could do. A professional organizer. 51 00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:08,271 You're not a professional organizer. You're barely a waitress. 52 00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:11,650 I am a genius at organizing things and getting them out of the way. 53 00:03:11,817 --> 00:03:14,486 I lost all my money and the promise of a bright future... 54 00:03:14,653 --> 00:03:16,988 And I've organized that into a file labeled: 55 00:03:17,155 --> 00:03:18,907 "Do not open until you are stronger." 56 00:03:19,741 --> 00:03:23,620 If I can handle that for myself, I can handle a stranger's light filing. 57 00:03:23,787 --> 00:03:25,831 If I had known all that was going on... 58 00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:28,625 I would have ordered you some Mexican pain killers. 59 00:03:28,792 --> 00:03:30,001 Or the Peruvian. 60 00:03:30,168 --> 00:03:34,047 They're stronger, but sometimes they make you lose control of your hands. 61 00:03:35,924 --> 00:03:38,468 I thought that was an ibuprofen. 62 00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:42,764 What is Johnny doing here at 3 am? 63 00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:45,809 I thought it was a rapist or something. 64 00:03:45,976 --> 00:03:48,770 Rapists don't knock and wave. 65 00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:53,024 If they looked like that, we wouldn't call them rapists. 66 00:03:53,191 --> 00:03:55,986 We would call them Johnny! 67 00:03:56,153 --> 00:03:57,320 What are you doing here? 68 00:03:58,155 --> 00:04:02,367 I'm here to talk to you guys about the church of latter-day saints. 69 00:04:02,534 --> 00:04:04,786 And I have to pee. Can I use your bathroom? 70 00:04:04,953 --> 00:04:08,707 No problem. Don't forget to tip the bathroom attendant. 71 00:04:08,874 --> 00:04:10,000 What's up, Caroline? 72 00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:15,213 Just trying to find a day job where I won't get handcuffed to a radiator. 73 00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:17,591 On craigslist? 74 00:04:20,051 --> 00:04:21,803 This is so romantic. 75 00:04:21,970 --> 00:04:25,557 Jumping over the wall to drop down and see you in the middle of the night. 76 00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:27,309 It's very Romeo and Juliet. 77 00:04:27,476 --> 00:04:29,019 It is very Romeo and Juliet. 78 00:04:29,186 --> 00:04:32,481 He has to pee and I'm the nearest toilet. 79 00:04:32,647 --> 00:04:34,566 Please, that's just an excuse. 80 00:04:34,733 --> 00:04:38,361 The man defaces buildings and what, he draws the line at peeing on them? 81 00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:40,238 He came by here to see you. 82 00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:44,701 - Pull your hair back. It's in your face. - Pull yourself back. You're in my face. 83 00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:47,871 Whoo. Thanks, guys. 84 00:04:48,038 --> 00:04:50,373 I was tagging a building and I was on the roof... 85 00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:53,668 And I saw your light was on so I thought I'd stop and say hey. 86 00:04:53,835 --> 00:04:55,086 Hey. 87 00:04:55,253 --> 00:04:58,757 So, Johnny, you just saw our light on from the roof nearby? Interesting. 88 00:04:58,924 --> 00:05:01,176 Do you always look down when you're up high? 89 00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:03,428 - Not really. - Interesting. 90 00:05:04,012 --> 00:05:05,263 "Not really." 91 00:05:06,890 --> 00:05:10,060 I'm flying solo tonight. My lookout guy went into rehab. 92 00:05:10,227 --> 00:05:12,270 It's a pain. It's a two-person operation. 93 00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:14,940 Such a bummer when people can't handle their heroin. 94 00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:19,528 Hey, Max, what are you doing tomorrow night after work? 95 00:05:19,694 --> 00:05:21,571 Any desire to be my lookout guy? 96 00:05:21,738 --> 00:05:24,115 I might have some desire to be your lookout guy. 97 00:05:24,282 --> 00:05:27,244 But as far as the "guy" part of "lookout guy" goes... 98 00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:30,789 - What, you don't have a penis? - Oh, I have one. 99 00:05:31,456 --> 00:05:33,208 In a drawer in my bedroom. 100 00:05:38,463 --> 00:05:41,716 If the cops come tomorrow, I will run like a girl. 101 00:05:41,883 --> 00:05:44,177 Okay. So pick you up at the diner at 2? 102 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:45,929 - Cool. - Cool. 103 00:05:50,976 --> 00:05:54,312 And then Romeo left. So romantic. 104 00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:57,399 All the flirting and game playing have finally led to this. 105 00:05:57,566 --> 00:05:59,651 You two and a late-night roof rendezvous. 106 00:05:59,818 --> 00:06:03,738 Hey, genius organizer, why don't you put all that garbage in a file labeled: 107 00:06:03,905 --> 00:06:06,491 "I've seen too many Katherine heigl movies"? 108 00:06:07,075 --> 00:06:13,331 I'm just saying, he likes you. He likes you with his penis. 109 00:06:19,004 --> 00:06:20,505 There, 3f. 110 00:06:20,672 --> 00:06:22,591 All right, you're here. Goodbye. Go. 111 00:06:22,757 --> 00:06:26,219 No, you have to wait until I open the door and check out if it's safe. 112 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:28,471 It's my day off, you're the one with the job. 113 00:06:28,638 --> 00:06:31,850 You're the one who freaked me out about going into a stranger's apartment. 114 00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:33,518 What did I say that was so bad? 115 00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:37,647 You told me he'd cut off my face and wear it as a party hat. 116 00:06:37,814 --> 00:06:43,153 I said "probably." Probably cut off your face. 117 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:45,322 Nothing bad is gonna happen to you, okay? 118 00:06:46,031 --> 00:06:48,658 Okay. It's a safe enough looking building, right? 119 00:06:50,035 --> 00:06:52,037 Look, they have those hallway trash chutes. 120 00:06:52,203 --> 00:06:55,206 That's probably how he'll get rid of your faceless body. 121 00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:57,709 You're right. I'm fine. Go. 122 00:06:58,209 --> 00:07:01,046 Caroline's second job. So proud. 123 00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:03,006 Call me if you freak out or anything. 124 00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:05,675 How am I gonna call you without a face? 125 00:07:06,217 --> 00:07:09,721 I'm fine, I'm not gonna call you. 126 00:07:11,014 --> 00:07:14,684 Hello? It's Caroline, the professional organizer. 127 00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:22,525 Hello? Someone called for an organizer? 128 00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:24,569 Hello? 129 00:07:28,073 --> 00:07:30,367 Oh, no. Oh, hell no. 130 00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:32,410 Max! Come back! 131 00:07:37,749 --> 00:07:42,253 - Hurry up. This is so exciting. - I'm not going back. He's a hoarder. 132 00:07:42,420 --> 00:07:44,255 A hoarder. It's a bad reality show. 133 00:07:44,422 --> 00:07:46,633 Hey, that is a great reality show. 134 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,635 But it's not good "reality" reality. 135 00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:53,598 The only thing I love more than hoarders are people too fat to fit through doors. 136 00:07:54,557 --> 00:07:57,435 Tell me the hoarder has to grease to get through the door... 137 00:07:57,602 --> 00:08:00,230 You won't have to get me a birthday present. 138 00:08:02,691 --> 00:08:05,610 Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? 139 00:08:05,777 --> 00:08:08,613 They should charge admission for this. 140 00:08:09,698 --> 00:08:13,660 It's hoarders 3D: The experience. 141 00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:17,789 It's like going to an imax. It's my-Max! Ha-ha, ooh! 142 00:08:19,207 --> 00:08:22,961 Save yourself, go on without me. Oh, god. 143 00:08:23,128 --> 00:08:26,631 - What is that pile over there? - It's hard to tell what is what. 144 00:08:27,465 --> 00:08:31,970 It's either an old shag carpet or a mass grave of dead muppets. 145 00:08:32,137 --> 00:08:33,680 No way. Let's get out of here. 146 00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:36,599 We still have our faces, why would we leave? 147 00:08:36,766 --> 00:08:38,977 And besides, you need this money. Look around. 148 00:08:39,144 --> 00:08:42,188 There might be stuff they don't want that we can sell on eBay. 149 00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:46,317 Look, you know someone is gonna want a fish tank full of doll heads. 150 00:08:46,484 --> 00:08:50,155 Yeah, someone with a fish tank full of doll bodies. 151 00:08:50,321 --> 00:08:52,657 Last year I owned a yacht named the carol/her... 152 00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:55,452 And now I'm considering selling doll heads on eBay. 153 00:08:55,618 --> 00:08:59,622 I'll be organizing that thought in a file in my head labeled: "Don't open ever." 154 00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:05,378 Okay, there's a heavy clown presence in this room. 155 00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:09,174 It's unsettling and I'm obsessed with it. 156 00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:12,552 I want both more and less of the clowns. 157 00:09:13,261 --> 00:09:15,138 Hello? Anyone here? 158 00:09:15,305 --> 00:09:18,058 Man: Oh, hey, I'm over here. 159 00:09:18,266 --> 00:09:21,186 - I'm sorry. Where? - Man: By the papers. 160 00:09:21,352 --> 00:09:24,814 - Which papers? - Man: The papers near the papers. 161 00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:27,150 Oh, my god, I love this. 162 00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:33,156 Um... hi. Caroline. We spoke yesterday. 163 00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:35,825 There's more to organize than you led me to believe. 164 00:09:35,992 --> 00:09:38,411 We're gonna have to renegotiate our price. 165 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,371 Man: It's not that bad. 166 00:09:40,997 --> 00:09:46,586 Not that bad? I was hired to organize some papers, not clean up Katrina. 167 00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:51,174 What's he look like? Please tell me he needs to be buried in a piano box. 168 00:09:51,341 --> 00:09:53,384 I don't know. Can't see him through the truck. 169 00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:56,387 Man: It's an rv and it's a collectable. 170 00:09:56,554 --> 00:09:59,557 It's where I keep my raisins. 171 00:10:00,892 --> 00:10:03,061 So how much more, then? 172 00:10:03,228 --> 00:10:05,897 Um, a hundred a day for both of us. 173 00:10:06,064 --> 00:10:08,775 And we get to keep the horse head made out of soda cans. 174 00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:10,110 Why would we want that? 175 00:10:10,318 --> 00:10:13,905 We don't. It's for Chestnut. Every horse wants a friend made out of cans. 176 00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:15,573 Man: You got a deal. 177 00:10:15,740 --> 00:10:17,742 Okay, we'll get to work, then. 178 00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:20,954 Okay, let's not get oven/vhelmed. 179 00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:23,414 We'll take it one step at a time. 180 00:10:23,581 --> 00:10:25,625 Let's start small. 181 00:10:37,262 --> 00:10:40,098 Happy birthday to me. 182 00:10:46,896 --> 00:10:50,108 Ooh. Max. Well, look at you. 183 00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:52,610 Starting the night at the end of the night. 184 00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:57,073 This is the first time I've seen you out of the prison uniform. 185 00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:58,950 You look beautiful. 186 00:10:59,117 --> 00:11:01,244 Oh, Earl, let's get married. 187 00:11:04,455 --> 00:11:06,666 What are you staring at? It's just clothes. 188 00:11:06,875 --> 00:11:08,501 Max, you look like a lady. 189 00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:12,297 Tonight when I dream of having sex with you, as always... 190 00:11:12,463 --> 00:11:14,674 This time I will ask you to stay. 191 00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:18,469 Max, you look perfect for your date. 192 00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:20,638 - It's not a date. - It is. 193 00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:24,976 No, it's not. It's Booty call. 194 00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:29,772 There is a fresh billboard, I'm climbing it with my friend... 195 00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:33,484 - And we're putting up his art. - Booty call on billboard. 196 00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:37,155 If it's after 2:30, call is for the dirty. 197 00:11:37,947 --> 00:11:42,118 What's that from, Dr. Seuss's oh, the places you'll put it in? 198 00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,830 Okay, break it up. About your business. Nothing to see. 199 00:11:45,997 --> 00:11:47,040 Caroline: Max. 200 00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:52,545 - Max and Johnny's first date. So proud. - It's not a date. 201 00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:55,215 Be home at 11 am. 202 00:11:56,674 --> 00:11:59,802 Max, you got protection? 203 00:12:00,011 --> 00:12:01,054 No, I've got it. 204 00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:03,348 Me too. 205 00:12:04,682 --> 00:12:08,811 No. Sorry. That is pack of gum. 206 00:12:17,195 --> 00:12:18,738 Can we take these masks off now? 207 00:12:20,031 --> 00:12:23,493 Whoo. It's hot up in that bunny. 208 00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:26,246 Are we wearing these so no one will pick us out? 209 00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:30,208 Yeah, that, and I've always wanted to see a rat with big boobs. 210 00:12:31,042 --> 00:12:32,877 Well, here he is. 211 00:12:35,046 --> 00:12:40,510 All right, now for the most crucial part of the art process, beer break. 212 00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:44,555 That makes sense. Been here 4 minutes. 213 00:12:47,642 --> 00:12:49,894 Ooh. Gentleman. 214 00:12:51,229 --> 00:12:53,940 Look over there. You can see Manhattan. 215 00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:57,610 Oh, yeah. She's a bitch. 216 00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:00,905 Always shoving her stuff in your face, you can never have it. 217 00:13:01,072 --> 00:13:04,242 Yeah. I'd never wanna live in Manhattan. 218 00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:07,620 - Because you can't afford it? - Yeah. 219 00:13:08,746 --> 00:13:10,999 She is beautiful though. 220 00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:13,918 Yeah, she is. 221 00:13:17,922 --> 00:13:20,466 Well, we should get back to work. 222 00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:21,926 Bunny's gotta hop. 223 00:13:32,770 --> 00:13:35,773 How many more times do you need to hear it? He didn't kiss me. 224 00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:37,650 Maybe it wasn't the right time. 225 00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:41,612 Overlooking the New York skyline 100 feet in the air bathed in moonlight? 226 00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:43,448 Yeah, that's a crappy time. 227 00:13:43,614 --> 00:13:46,326 Maybe he didn't because he doesn't know you like him. 228 00:13:46,492 --> 00:13:48,995 I leaned in. I leaned for a kiss. 229 00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:51,205 Maybe you had a breath situation. 230 00:13:51,414 --> 00:13:54,000 - What did you eat? What had you eaten? - Nothing. 231 00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:57,295 Sometimes when you don't eat, you grind up your feelings. 232 00:13:57,462 --> 00:13:59,797 Then you get stomach breath. 233 00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:02,800 I wouldn't kiss Ryan gosling with stomach breath. 234 00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:05,345 - Yes, you would. - Yes, I would. 235 00:14:05,928 --> 00:14:08,514 I'm finally making progress on the papers. 236 00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:12,518 Oh, no, fdr died of polio. 237 00:14:13,311 --> 00:14:16,356 Oh, look, they cured polio. 238 00:14:17,482 --> 00:14:22,153 Jackpot this place is a freaking cat factory. 239 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:26,032 And they're alive. How refreshing. 240 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:31,913 And I think one of these kittens just had kittens. 241 00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:33,706 Kittens having kittens. 242 00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:36,709 Hey, Douglas, we found some kittens. 243 00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:39,545 Douglas: Those are not my kittens. 244 00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:42,715 Okay, what about this mountain of butterfinger wrappers? 245 00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:46,386 Douglas: Those are my wrappers. I need those. 246 00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:49,847 I haven't even seen him yet. I love this show. 247 00:14:50,014 --> 00:14:54,060 If you're comfortable with me selling all this sort of valuable stuff on eBay... 248 00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:57,063 Why do you need a box full of butterfinger wrappers? 249 00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:58,773 Douglas: I don't wanna think about it! 250 00:15:00,525 --> 00:15:04,195 See, Max, this is what happens when you don't deal with your feelings. 251 00:15:04,362 --> 00:15:06,280 You start collecting wrappers... 252 00:15:06,489 --> 00:15:10,118 Next thing, you're an old lady thinking, "why didn't he kiss me?" 253 00:15:11,369 --> 00:15:13,287 Why didn't he kiss me? 254 00:15:13,496 --> 00:15:15,248 I don't know. 255 00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:19,419 Why didn't you kiss him? You obviously like him, right? 256 00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:23,506 Max, stop hoarding your feelings, just admit that you like him. 257 00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:25,716 - I like him. - Okay, good. 258 00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:28,428 There's one box of butterfinger wrappers gone. 259 00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:30,430 Douglas: What? 260 00:15:31,222 --> 00:15:33,724 Douglas, it's a metaphor. 261 00:15:33,891 --> 00:15:36,727 So next time you see him, why don't you just kiss him? 262 00:15:36,894 --> 00:15:42,150 - I don't know if I can kiss him first. - Woman: Just kiss him already! 263 00:15:43,317 --> 00:15:45,736 Wait. There's another person in here? 264 00:15:45,903 --> 00:15:46,946 Douglas: Butt out, mother. 265 00:15:47,113 --> 00:15:49,949 Woman: Those are my kittens, young lady. 266 00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:54,954 Hold up, he's hoarding another hoarder in here? Awesome. 267 00:16:00,334 --> 00:16:03,504 I can't believe you put the platypus foot rest in the trash. 268 00:16:03,671 --> 00:16:06,466 On eBay, we could get at least 3 to 6 dollars for it. 269 00:16:06,632 --> 00:16:09,135 I'm going to tell you one more time. It's a possum... 270 00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:11,637 And it died at least three to six years ago. 271 00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:13,931 Oh, my god, there's Johnny. 272 00:16:14,098 --> 00:16:15,933 This is a Katherine heigl movie. 273 00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:18,811 What are you guys doing? 274 00:16:23,107 --> 00:16:26,819 Well, hello. Sorry to interrupt you, but what the hell's going on here? 275 00:16:27,695 --> 00:16:30,615 - This is... - I'm cashandra, his girlfriend. 276 00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:31,824 Who are you? 277 00:16:37,121 --> 00:16:40,708 I'm Max. And that's how I say hi to everyone. 278 00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:44,587 I'm incredibly friendly. 279 00:16:45,129 --> 00:16:47,173 She's so friendly. 280 00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:54,639 - Here's table 10, Earl. - Are you okay, Max? 281 00:16:54,805 --> 00:16:56,807 Rumor has it you had your heart broken. 282 00:16:56,974 --> 00:16:58,476 I didn't have my heart broken. 283 00:16:58,643 --> 00:17:00,686 And that's why I don't listen to rumors. 284 00:17:01,729 --> 00:17:06,692 Max, I want to announce I have ended my bromance with your boyfriend, Johnny. 285 00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:09,529 I hate the player as well as the game. 286 00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:11,822 Never was my boyfriend. 287 00:17:13,824 --> 00:17:16,619 I would like to offer myself for rebound sex. 288 00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:20,748 Or if not I can just beat the crap out of him. 289 00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:26,087 Caroline, did you have to tell everyone? 290 00:17:26,254 --> 00:17:28,673 I'm sorry, but I'm not keeping that up in my head. 291 00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:30,716 I'm not going butterfingers. 292 00:17:34,262 --> 00:17:36,430 I can't believe he has a girlfriend. 293 00:17:36,639 --> 00:17:37,848 Are you happy now? 294 00:17:38,015 --> 00:17:40,601 You got me to admit I like him, you got me to kiss him. 295 00:17:40,768 --> 00:17:43,688 Then I kissed his girlfriend who is black and British. 296 00:17:43,854 --> 00:17:46,399 The two cool things I can never be. 297 00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:49,068 I'm sorry, but he led you on. 298 00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:52,446 Oh. Did he? I think you and Douglas's mother led me on. 299 00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:58,202 This is not my fault. He's the one who's hoarding women. 300 00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:06,544 - Hi. - Yeah, you must be to come back in here. 301 00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:08,754 Can we talk? 302 00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:13,926 Pick up, Max. Table 3, table 9, table 69. 303 00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:16,804 Not a good time. 304 00:18:16,971 --> 00:18:18,806 - Max, look... - Johnny, stop. 305 00:18:18,973 --> 00:18:21,100 You don't need to "Max, look" me. It's cool. 306 00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:26,564 You never led me on, you never put your hands on me, you never even kissed me. 307 00:18:28,065 --> 00:18:29,233 Hey, better make sure... 308 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:32,445 He doesn't have a girlfriend who's beautiful, black and British. 309 00:18:34,697 --> 00:18:37,617 Max, look, I wanted to kiss you. I want to kiss you. 310 00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:40,953 I just didn't want to be a guy who did it when he's with someone. 311 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:44,957 I didn't know you were gonna come into my life, that I was gonna have feelings. 312 00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:47,793 But all of a sudden, it's Max all the time in my head. 313 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:54,091 Cashandra and I have, or had something, and there is or was love there... 314 00:18:54,258 --> 00:18:58,596 And I don't know what I'm supposed to do with all my feelings for you. 315 00:18:58,763 --> 00:19:02,350 Johnny, I just spent two days wading through someone else's garbage... 316 00:19:02,516 --> 00:19:05,144 And frankly, I don't have the time or the energy... 317 00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:09,106 To go through all the clowns and candy wrappers you've got going on. 318 00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:12,985 Next time you invite someone to a Booty call on a billboard... 319 00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:14,487 It wasn't a Booty call. 320 00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:18,324 I think everyone knows if it's after 2:30, the call is for the dirty. 321 00:19:19,825 --> 00:19:22,495 And p.S., we've known each other six months... 322 00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:25,289 And you never told me you had a girlfriend. 323 00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:28,125 You should've worn the rat mask. 324 00:19:29,043 --> 00:19:32,338 And that's all she wrote. 325 00:19:39,345 --> 00:19:41,180 Silver lining time? 326 00:19:41,347 --> 00:19:44,225 We didn't have to change Douglas and his mother's diapers? 327 00:19:44,392 --> 00:19:48,646 We made $240 for the cupcake business selling all that crap on eBay. 328 00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:52,525 Yep. I made some money and all I lost was my mind. 329 00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:54,860 Wanna hear something you don't wanna hear? 330 00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:57,530 I think what Johnny said to you was beautiful. 331 00:19:57,697 --> 00:20:00,658 You think a squirrel holding an acorn is beautiful. 332 00:20:00,825 --> 00:20:04,870 He didn't kiss you because he didn't want to start a relationship out of a lie. 333 00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,372 You know what? You're right. 334 00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:09,041 You've been right. It is like Romeo and Juliet. 335 00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:12,211 And now I'm gonna go home and kill myself. 336 00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:14,213 I don't think romance is in the cards. 337 00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:17,216 I give guys blue balls, not broken hearts. 338 00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:20,219 Oh, my god. Don't kill yourself yet, Juliet. 339 00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:23,723 I definitely think romance is in your cards. 340 00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:25,516 That's not me. 341 00:20:25,683 --> 00:20:27,601 That's not his girlfriend. 342 00:20:28,352 --> 00:20:32,064 At least admit that's you and he put it up because he wanted you to see it... 343 00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:34,692 And that's actually incredibly romantic. 344 00:20:34,859 --> 00:20:37,236 Yeah, that's the most romantic picture of a guy... 345 00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:41,699 Kissing someone like me but didn't because he has a hot girlfriend... 346 00:20:41,866 --> 00:20:45,745 Who seems like kind of a bitch, but is kind of cooler than I will ever be. 347 00:20:45,911 --> 00:20:48,038 I dare you to organize that thought. 348 00:20:48,205 --> 00:20:50,207 There's no one cooler than you. 349 00:20:50,958 --> 00:20:52,918 You're 200 feet tall. 350 00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:55,755 Yeah, and a bird just took a crap on me. 351 00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:57,923 Come on. 352 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:02,887 Come on.