1 00:00:03,212 --> 00:00:06,673 Ooh, look pretty sharp tonight, Earl. You going somewhere special? 2 00:00:06,882 --> 00:00:11,470 Max, I'm free, black and 75. Who knows what the night will bring? 3 00:00:12,596 --> 00:00:13,680 Well, here's a 20. 4 00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:16,433 Can you break this the way you just broke my heart? 5 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:18,727 Pop, pop! Ha, ha! 6 00:00:20,187 --> 00:00:22,689 Look at all this. People really tipped well tonight. 7 00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:25,234 Don't get used to it. Thanksgiving is almost here. 8 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:28,737 Soon as people realize how much they have to spend on holiday gifts... 9 00:00:28,904 --> 00:00:31,740 Their wallets snap tighter than Kim Kardashian's legs... 10 00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:33,825 After the wedding check cleared. 11 00:00:35,244 --> 00:00:36,787 I always love this time of year. 12 00:00:36,954 --> 00:00:40,249 Spiced pumpkin lattes, bringing my winter furs out. 13 00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:45,003 Then bringing my winter furs to the dry cleaners to get the red peta paint out. 14 00:00:45,671 --> 00:00:50,008 For me, it was jumping into a pile of leaves and finding a used condom. 15 00:00:53,345 --> 00:00:55,138 What's up, children of the corn? 16 00:00:56,431 --> 00:01:00,978 I will stay tonight and decorate diner for American holiday of Thanksgiving. 17 00:01:01,186 --> 00:01:03,772 Wow. I'm surprised you got the right holiday decorations. 18 00:01:03,939 --> 00:01:06,900 Last month you put out easter bunnies for yom kippur. 19 00:01:07,109 --> 00:01:10,946 So many Jewish holidays, I cannot Wikipedia them all. 20 00:01:11,113 --> 00:01:13,240 What, like I don't got a life? 21 00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:27,629 My father and I had a special Thanksgiving tradition every year. 22 00:01:27,963 --> 00:01:31,300 Let me guess. You'd fly some place like The Bahamas, lay by the pool... 23 00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:34,052 And he'd light other people's stolen money on fire? 24 00:01:34,219 --> 00:01:37,973 No. We'd rent out the Waldorf astoria ballrooms and feed the homeless. 25 00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:40,892 Don't look at me right now. 26 00:01:41,059 --> 00:01:44,146 And after, we'd fly down to our home in St. barts for two weeks. 27 00:01:44,313 --> 00:01:46,440 Okay, you can look at me again. 28 00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:49,151 I stayed at the Waldorf astoria once. 29 00:01:49,318 --> 00:01:50,527 Beautiful hotel. 30 00:01:50,694 --> 00:01:52,154 Fifty dollars for a hamburger. 31 00:01:52,321 --> 00:01:55,157 For that money, it should eat me first. 32 00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:58,910 Okay, ready to go? 33 00:01:59,536 --> 00:02:02,831 If you'd like to do something to honor the spirit of Thanksgiving... 34 00:02:02,998 --> 00:02:04,833 Open your doors, feed the homeless. 35 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:07,210 Yeah, put your money where your cornstalk is. 36 00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:11,089 - Caroline and I will work for free. - Isn't it enough that... 37 00:02:11,256 --> 00:02:14,885 When I see them on the street, I smile and pretend to fumble for change? 38 00:02:16,094 --> 00:02:19,306 No, it isn't. You can afford to open the diner for one night. 39 00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:22,225 You can't put a price tag on those emotional rewards. 40 00:02:22,392 --> 00:02:26,980 Yes, I can. Eighteen dollars for 16-pound Turkey, and I will need many of them. 41 00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:28,940 There. Price tag. 42 00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:32,069 Here. I will pay for turkeys. 43 00:02:32,235 --> 00:02:33,862 Jeez, dude, where'd you get that? 44 00:02:34,029 --> 00:02:37,866 I sell cigarettes from New Hampshire to school kids in New York. 45 00:02:38,033 --> 00:02:42,287 It is a good profit. And beautiful drive. I love the leaves. 46 00:02:43,455 --> 00:02:45,791 All right, I'm feeling y'all. 47 00:02:45,957 --> 00:02:47,459 I'll bring the pies. 48 00:02:47,626 --> 00:02:49,795 My mother used to make the best chocolate pie. 49 00:02:49,961 --> 00:02:52,464 She got so mad at this white woman she worked for... 50 00:02:52,631 --> 00:02:54,716 She took this pie into the bathroom... 51 00:02:54,883 --> 00:02:57,427 No, hold up, that was from the help. 52 00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:05,352 I know it's not burberry like we're used to, but I'm telling you. 53 00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,896 Used moving blankets are gonna be in this year. 54 00:03:08,063 --> 00:03:10,482 Who's a trendsetter? 55 00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:13,360 We're really lucky November is so warm. 56 00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:17,572 Another thing I'm giving thanks for this Thanksgiving? Global warming. 57 00:03:17,739 --> 00:03:21,660 I think the three remaining polar bears would disagree. 58 00:03:22,285 --> 00:03:24,287 Max, it's time to teach me how to bake. 59 00:03:24,454 --> 00:03:27,791 Okay, well, if we're doing that, first I have to go get baked. 60 00:03:27,999 --> 00:03:30,585 I'm serious. It's the beginning of the holiday season. 61 00:03:30,752 --> 00:03:33,672 With all the Christmas cupcakes and festive gift baskets... 62 00:03:33,839 --> 00:03:35,841 You're gonna need help. 63 00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:38,593 Festive holiday gift baskets? 64 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:42,472 - No way. I'm not into all that crap. - Oh, no. Are you one of those... 65 00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:46,143 "I'm too cool to believe in the wonders of Christmas" type of bitches? 66 00:03:48,103 --> 00:03:50,856 I am so many types of bitches, I've lost count. 67 00:03:52,649 --> 00:03:54,943 The only wonder of Christmas I'm aware of is... 68 00:03:55,110 --> 00:03:58,447 I wonder how you're gonna keep that attitude through Christmas. 69 00:03:58,613 --> 00:04:01,074 Why, because this is my first holiday without any money? 70 00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,368 Uh, yeah. 71 00:04:03,535 --> 00:04:06,496 Money isn't what makes the holidays special, Max. 72 00:04:06,663 --> 00:04:08,749 Uh, yeah. 73 00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:12,544 The holidays are totally about money. About spending money to buy things... 74 00:04:12,711 --> 00:04:16,381 To stuff into the giant black sucking hole in the center of each of us... 75 00:04:16,548 --> 00:04:19,426 That reminds us life is hard and then we die. 76 00:04:20,218 --> 00:04:22,679 And that's my Christmas card. 77 00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:25,599 Max, I'm aware this holiday season will be challenging. 78 00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:30,228 Will I miss my 20-foot Christmas tree decorated by ten gay men? Yes. 79 00:04:30,437 --> 00:04:34,775 Will I miss those ten gay men outing my cousin Steven before he was ready? No. 80 00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:38,987 My holiday spirit is bigger than my money. Teach me how to bake. 81 00:04:39,154 --> 00:04:40,947 - We only have a couple weeks. - Fine. 82 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:44,034 - Pour a cup of milk into the mixer. - This will be fun. 83 00:04:44,201 --> 00:04:48,747 When I was little, I used to make my father cakes in my easy-bake oven. 84 00:04:48,955 --> 00:04:51,792 My easy-bake oven was repossessed. 85 00:04:53,084 --> 00:04:56,171 So, uh, speaking of your father, are you doing okay? 86 00:04:56,338 --> 00:04:59,174 This is a hard time of year for people who have feelings... 87 00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:02,052 And with your father in prison, how are you doing? 88 00:05:02,219 --> 00:05:05,055 I'm great. I found out that since it's Thanksgiving... 89 00:05:05,222 --> 00:05:07,724 They're allowing me to see him for the first time. 90 00:05:08,099 --> 00:05:12,145 Well, that excitement will probably taper off after the full-body cavity search. 91 00:05:12,604 --> 00:05:14,064 I don't know, I might like it. 92 00:05:14,231 --> 00:05:17,192 It's been a while since I've had any cavities searched. 93 00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:20,487 All right. Pour the milk, slut. 94 00:05:23,114 --> 00:05:24,866 One cup milk. 95 00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:27,035 - There. How's that? - Good. 96 00:05:27,619 --> 00:05:31,414 Now into the mixer. 97 00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:33,750 -There. How was that? —uh—uh. 98 00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:37,879 We're not playing "rich girl gets a trophy every time she does something normal." 99 00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:41,800 Just cover the bowl with the towel so it doesn't splash out and turn it on. 100 00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:46,930 - Oh, it's not plugged in. - Oh, right. 101 00:05:47,097 --> 00:05:48,723 No, not without the towel. 102 00:05:54,938 --> 00:05:58,817 Christmas comes but once a year, and I think it just did. 103 00:06:01,987 --> 00:06:05,866 Wow, high-end mixers are a lot of money. I thought if we came to a big store... 104 00:06:06,032 --> 00:06:08,410 There'd be a lot of them and better prices. 105 00:06:08,577 --> 00:06:11,538 - We can't afford these. - How much did you think they'd be? 106 00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:14,708 I don't know. I guess I'm not used to looking at prices. 107 00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:18,295 I usuallyjust point, pout and it's purchased. 108 00:06:18,628 --> 00:06:21,339 I had a version of that, only it was more like point... 109 00:06:21,506 --> 00:06:25,051 And when they look the other way, stuff steaks down your pants and run. 110 00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:27,596 There has to be a mixer here we can afford. 111 00:06:27,762 --> 00:06:29,639 There is. 112 00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:32,100 Here. 113 00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:35,103 A $5 spoon? That's what we can afford? 114 00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:38,481 Yeah, if we put it on layaway, work hard for a few years. 115 00:06:38,648 --> 00:06:42,777 I'm used to being poor around your stuff, but not around stuff that I want. 116 00:06:42,944 --> 00:06:46,114 What happened to all your "money's not important" holiday spirit? 117 00:06:46,281 --> 00:06:49,492 Max, it feels like you want me to be depressed about the holidays. 118 00:06:49,659 --> 00:06:53,955 I'm just saying it's okay for you not to be all up around me if you're not feeling it. 119 00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:56,041 It's all right to let your dark side out. 120 00:06:56,207 --> 00:06:58,376 Come to the dark side. 121 00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:02,088 Oh, my god, look. They're hiring elves. 122 00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:05,258 Why would I go to the dark side when I could go to santaworld? 123 00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:08,053 Let's go get in line. I've always loved santaworld. 124 00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:10,472 Me too, as a David sedaris story... 125 00:07:10,639 --> 00:07:12,140 Not as an actual real-life option. 126 00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:14,976 If we get hired, we could use our employee discount... 127 00:07:15,143 --> 00:07:17,562 To get one of the really good cake mixers. Oh! 128 00:07:17,729 --> 00:07:21,274 And then it'd be like it came from Santa. Come on, Max. 129 00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:22,609 We'd be great elves. 130 00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:25,153 I have the holiday spirit, you're great with kids. 131 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:29,491 And we're both so desperate for money, we'll wear other people's tights. 132 00:07:29,658 --> 00:07:33,161 I've been coming to this store at Christmas since I was little. 133 00:07:33,328 --> 00:07:36,206 I'd get all dressed up in my fanciest winter coat and hat... 134 00:07:36,373 --> 00:07:40,794 And then stand in line to see Santa with my hands in my muff. 135 00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:48,134 And they didn't throw you out? 136 00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:52,514 There is nothing Christmas-y about this hallway. 137 00:07:52,681 --> 00:07:57,936 The place Santa sends promiscuous elves to get the results of their std test. 138 00:07:58,395 --> 00:08:01,773 That kind of comment almost got us knocked out of the first round. 139 00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:05,276 - You're lucky I edited your application. - Why? What was so bad? 140 00:08:05,443 --> 00:08:08,780 You requested to work in Santa's sex-toy shop. 141 00:08:08,947 --> 00:08:10,490 Max, that's not even a thing. 142 00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:13,118 Tell that to my candy-cane shaped vibrator. 143 00:08:16,413 --> 00:08:19,249 I call it "Santa's big helper." Heh-heh. 144 00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:23,169 Please try and get into the holiday spirit. 145 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:27,298 I know. If we get hired, we'll go right home and watch miracle on 34th street. 146 00:08:27,465 --> 00:08:29,217 It'll be a miracle on 34th street... 147 00:08:29,384 --> 00:08:33,763 If we make it out of the bottom of this slave ship without elf scurvy. 148 00:08:34,431 --> 00:08:38,601 Hi. I couldn't help but overhear you mention miracle on 34th street. 149 00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:41,062 That's my absolute favorite Christmas movie. 150 00:08:41,229 --> 00:08:42,272 Mine too. 151 00:08:42,439 --> 00:08:44,441 Second favorite is it's a wonderful life. 152 00:08:44,607 --> 00:08:48,528 - Mine too. - I've got schindler's list on blu-ray. 153 00:08:52,073 --> 00:08:54,492 - Hi, I'm Mary. - I'm Caroline. 154 00:08:54,659 --> 00:08:55,994 Hi. I'm Mary. 155 00:08:56,161 --> 00:08:57,912 It's cool. We don't need to talk. 156 00:08:58,079 --> 00:09:00,540 That's Max. She's kind of a grinch about Christmas. 157 00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:02,500 Oh. Like my brother Patrick. 158 00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:04,836 He's always teasing me about loving Christmas. 159 00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:07,589 He calls me Mary Christmas. 160 00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:10,091 Mary: Get it? Ha, ha! 161 00:09:10,633 --> 00:09:12,594 It's because my name is Mary. Ha, ha! 162 00:09:13,428 --> 00:09:16,431 I can't help it, it's my favorite time of year. 163 00:09:16,598 --> 00:09:20,935 - Mine too. - Yo. Disconnect before it's too late. 164 00:09:21,102 --> 00:09:23,313 Don't be so cynical. 165 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:24,689 Especially Christmas Eve. 166 00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:28,359 It's an o'brien family tradition, all seven of my sisters and brothers... 167 00:09:28,526 --> 00:09:31,613 We line up on the staircase in our brand-new Christmas pjs... 168 00:09:31,780 --> 00:09:33,364 And have our picture taken. 169 00:09:33,531 --> 00:09:36,618 Bitch is 30. Caroline: Max. 170 00:09:39,621 --> 00:09:41,581 It's my father. 171 00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:44,209 Hi, daddy. You'll never guess where I am right now. 172 00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:46,836 Applying for a job at santaworld. 173 00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:48,922 No, it's not depressing at all. 174 00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:52,842 The man's in prison and he thinks this is depressing. 175 00:09:55,220 --> 00:09:58,139 Are you sure? It's really not that far. 176 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:02,435 Okay, if that's what you want. 177 00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:05,146 Call me on Thanksgiving. Love you. 178 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:09,317 He thought about it and doesn't want me to come. He can't face... 179 00:10:09,484 --> 00:10:11,611 - Having me see him in there. - You okay? 180 00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:13,363 Fine. 181 00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:15,698 Quiet, please, people. I have an announcement. 182 00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:19,369 Everyone in this corridor has been chosen to be an elf. 183 00:10:19,536 --> 00:10:20,703 Mazel. 184 00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:22,831 Yay, we're elves. 185 00:10:22,997 --> 00:10:26,126 Report to work at 3 am. The morning of black Friday. 186 00:10:27,669 --> 00:10:30,964 Ooh! This is so exciting. Ha, ha! 187 00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:33,133 Fa la la la la la la la la 188 00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:35,844 okay, well, I'll see you both then. 189 00:10:36,010 --> 00:10:37,470 Okay, Mary. 190 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:42,642 Great, 3 am. You, me and definitely-a-virgin Mary. 191 00:10:48,022 --> 00:10:50,191 Han: Good night. Get home safely. 192 00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:53,903 Oh. Maybe I should not have said that to homeless. 193 00:10:54,779 --> 00:10:58,825 That is it, 2 am. Freebie Thanksgiving dinner is now officially over. 194 00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:02,370 According to my calculations, we served over 300 Turkey dinners... 195 00:11:02,537 --> 00:11:04,455 And only had two knife fights. 196 00:11:05,206 --> 00:11:06,374 Thank you, Caroline. 197 00:11:06,541 --> 00:11:10,420 This experience taught me that rich or poor, home or homeless... 198 00:11:10,587 --> 00:11:12,297 We are all the same. 199 00:11:12,463 --> 00:11:14,215 Wait. Where's my wallet? 200 00:11:14,382 --> 00:11:16,926 They took my wallet. Those dirty sons of... 201 00:11:17,093 --> 00:11:19,345 Oh, here it is. 202 00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:22,724 Yes, we are all the same. 203 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,894 Well, I have two things to say. 204 00:11:26,269 --> 00:11:30,064 First, I'm proud of us for spreading the spirit of Thanksgiving together. 205 00:11:30,231 --> 00:11:33,234 And secondly, someone left an adult diaper in this booth... 206 00:11:33,401 --> 00:11:35,778 And I am not dealing with that. 207 00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:41,492 What's with the sad face? You saw the bathroom? 208 00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:45,872 We fed the homeless, but it doesn't feel like Thanksgiving without my father. 209 00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:47,874 You made a lot of people happy tonight. 210 00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:51,419 - You should feel pretty good about that. - Yes, I do. 211 00:11:51,586 --> 00:11:55,089 Come on, elf. Clear these tables. We have to be at santaworld in an hour. 212 00:11:55,256 --> 00:11:57,550 You have to be there in the middle of the night? 213 00:11:57,717 --> 00:12:00,178 Because it's black Friday. The doors open at 5 am. 214 00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:02,096 We wanna be there right on time... 215 00:12:02,263 --> 00:12:04,974 To see the first person trampled to death by uggs. 216 00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:07,518 We work all night and then all day tomorrow. 217 00:12:07,685 --> 00:12:10,772 - How are we gonna do this? - I got the answer right here. 218 00:12:10,939 --> 00:12:12,857 Max, I'm not doing cocaine. 219 00:12:13,024 --> 00:12:16,027 If we could afford cocaine, we could afford a mixer. 220 00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:22,659 - Nine-hour energy shots, a.K.A. Elf juice. - I've never done these. Do they work? 221 00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:26,079 Millions of wired-off-their-asses college students can't be wrong. 222 00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:29,290 Whoa, whoa, wh... 223 00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:32,293 - Did you just drink that whole thing? - Yeah. Why? 224 00:12:33,044 --> 00:12:35,588 Nothing. I'm sure it's not too much. 225 00:12:36,339 --> 00:12:39,259 They suggest sipping it, but who are they? 226 00:12:39,717 --> 00:12:43,846 All right, we'd better go. We gotta go, go, go. 227 00:12:44,013 --> 00:12:46,224 Oh, you should've sipped it. 228 00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:51,562 How do I look? Because I kind of feel like I look like a north pole-dancer. 229 00:12:51,729 --> 00:12:54,816 You actually look cute. You look good in red and green together. 230 00:12:54,983 --> 00:12:57,920 You can pull off anything. You're so beautiful. I don't tell you that enough. 231 00:12:57,944 --> 00:13:01,364 Whoa! Whoa, slow down, speed racer. 232 00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:04,117 I can't stop. What was in that stuff you gave me? 233 00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:06,995 I don't know. The ingredients are in Spanish. 234 00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:11,082 Well, my corazo'n is beating muy rapido. 235 00:13:11,249 --> 00:13:14,711 - Why aren't you in your elf costume yet? - I was talking to those people. 236 00:13:14,877 --> 00:13:18,673 There's a slight chance, but a chance, I could move to the strolling carolers. 237 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:22,927 Their ethnic mix is short a token blond. And I'm blond, baby. 238 00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:25,346 No, no. Look, forget it. 239 00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:29,142 You got me into the underbelly of the elf beast. You are not bailing on me. 240 00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:31,352 Those period costumes are so much prettier. 241 00:13:31,519 --> 00:13:34,022 I'll knock you to Rudolph's house if you abandon me. 242 00:13:34,188 --> 00:13:36,107 We're in this together. Get your bells. 243 00:13:36,274 --> 00:13:38,651 I didn't wanna tell you this because it's gross. 244 00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:40,987 The last elf who had the tights they gave me? 245 00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:45,116 Let's just say her little lady elf friend visited unexpectedly. 246 00:13:45,283 --> 00:13:48,703 Ew. Talk about a period costume. 247 00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:51,372 You're right. It's disgusting. 248 00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:53,750 I can't do this anymore. I'm leaving. 249 00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:57,670 I don't wanna do this anymore. I feel tired and wired at the same time. 250 00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:00,715 This was an awful, awful, awful idea. 251 00:14:00,882 --> 00:14:05,011 All right, calm down. Jeez, you're like a Christmas crack monkey. 252 00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,764 Look, we are not going anywhere, okay? 253 00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:10,391 You got me all elfed up and now we need these jobs. 254 00:14:10,558 --> 00:14:13,644 Talk to someone and tell them why you need a new pair of tights. 255 00:14:13,811 --> 00:14:15,563 I can't. It's embarrassing. 256 00:14:15,730 --> 00:14:18,399 Look, either you ask her or you rip out the crotch... 257 00:14:18,566 --> 00:14:21,903 And risk showing 6-year-olds your winter wonderland. 258 00:14:22,403 --> 00:14:24,614 And now I'm sad. 259 00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:27,033 You. The one with the dark hair. Come with me. 260 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,827 Where? And is there a drug test involved? 261 00:14:29,994 --> 00:14:32,747 Change of plans. I need for you to be Mrs. Claus. 262 00:14:32,914 --> 00:14:35,625 The other one had to leave. Blamed menopause. 263 00:14:35,833 --> 00:14:37,627 Menopause, please. Heh. 264 00:14:37,835 --> 00:14:42,924 I had my uterus yanked out on my lunch hour and I was back at my desk by 2. 265 00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:49,013 Follow me. Oh, unless you don't want that extra $2 an hour. 266 00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:53,017 Oh, no. You are not leaving me here alone when I'm crashing on elfjuice. 267 00:14:53,184 --> 00:14:55,978 If I can't be a singer, you can't be Mrs. Claus. 268 00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:59,607 Well, I'm sorry, but I'm throwing you under the sled, sister. 269 00:14:59,774 --> 00:15:03,069 That extra $2 an hour will bring us closer to the really good mixer. 270 00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:04,737 And the way my life is going... 271 00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:08,408 This might be my only chance to be married to a rich guy. 272 00:15:10,034 --> 00:15:13,121 I'd double-check those tights if I were you. 273 00:15:16,666 --> 00:15:18,793 Woman 1: Look over here. Woman 2: Look over here. 274 00:15:21,379 --> 00:15:24,048 Unh. These tights suck. 275 00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:29,470 Hi. Hi, elf. I just got assigned to the front of the line with you. 276 00:15:29,637 --> 00:15:31,347 Oh, crap. 277 00:15:31,514 --> 00:15:33,182 It's me, Mary. 278 00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:35,685 Mary Christmas. Ha, ha. 279 00:15:35,852 --> 00:15:38,896 - Like my brother Patrick always says. - Yeah, you said that. 280 00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:41,774 Look at how cute we look, jingles. 281 00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:44,068 I just named you jingles. Heh-heh. 282 00:15:44,235 --> 00:15:46,446 Get it? Because of all your bells. 283 00:15:46,863 --> 00:15:47,905 Oh, listen. 284 00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:52,577 Ah. This is my number one favorite Christmas song. Ooh! 285 00:15:52,743 --> 00:15:55,204 - What's your favorite? - "Silent night." Get it? 286 00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:57,623 Because I want you to be silent. 287 00:15:57,999 --> 00:16:00,001 What's the matter with you? 288 00:16:00,168 --> 00:16:03,337 You're acting like an elf-hole. 289 00:16:03,921 --> 00:16:06,549 - Oh, hello, children. - Children: Yeah! 290 00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:10,887 - Who's next to see my husband, Santa? - I am so mad at you right now. 291 00:16:11,053 --> 00:16:12,638 Oh-ho-ho-ho. 292 00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:14,640 Um, hold on, children. 293 00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:18,352 Mrs. Claus is just having an issue with one of her elf employees. 294 00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:21,731 - What are you doing? What's wrong? - You abandon me on Christmas... 295 00:16:21,898 --> 00:16:25,485 The day after my father abandons me on Thanksgiving? You have balls. 296 00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:29,780 Christmas balls, like on Santa's tree. 297 00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:32,116 Or a hanukkah bush. 298 00:16:32,283 --> 00:16:34,202 Look, I've got my own problems, okay? 299 00:16:34,368 --> 00:16:36,579 Santa is kind of handsy. 300 00:16:36,746 --> 00:16:38,581 And you leave me here with this one... 301 00:16:38,748 --> 00:16:41,918 When I'm coming down the bad side of nine-hour energy mountain? 302 00:16:42,084 --> 00:16:46,088 I don't know what's at the bottom, but so far, not the miracle on 34th street. 303 00:16:46,255 --> 00:16:48,257 - Well, elf... - Her name is jingles. 304 00:16:48,424 --> 00:16:50,259 One more word, Mary. Seriously. 305 00:16:52,094 --> 00:16:54,805 Listen, bipolar express... 306 00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:57,058 You need to jingle up that mountain... 307 00:16:57,225 --> 00:16:59,393 Because all these kids are looking at us. 308 00:17:00,561 --> 00:17:04,273 Hello. You got your list for Santa? 309 00:17:04,482 --> 00:17:05,566 Yep. Got it right here. 310 00:17:05,733 --> 00:17:08,236 Well, he's waiting for you, so go right ahead in. 311 00:17:08,402 --> 00:17:09,820 Mary: Yay! Let's go. 312 00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:12,823 Hi. Oh, you look so pretty in your hat and your coat. 313 00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,242 Thank you very much. 314 00:17:14,408 --> 00:17:16,244 I used to have a coat like that. 315 00:17:16,410 --> 00:17:21,040 But she gave it to a reindeer because he was very cold. 316 00:17:21,332 --> 00:17:24,252 Oh, you have your list for Santa? Let's see what you want. 317 00:17:24,418 --> 00:17:27,129 - Oh, a pretty doll. - Had it. 318 00:17:27,296 --> 00:17:29,757 - An easy-bake oven. - Had it. 319 00:17:29,924 --> 00:17:31,676 - A Barbie dreamhouse. - Oh. Had that too. 320 00:17:31,842 --> 00:17:34,762 Had all those things and now I have nothing. 321 00:17:34,929 --> 00:17:37,765 - Nothing to stick in my big hole. - Okay. 322 00:17:38,266 --> 00:17:40,268 Jingles, what are you doing? 323 00:17:40,434 --> 00:17:42,770 - Tell them, Max. - No, no, I'm not Max. 324 00:17:42,937 --> 00:17:44,480 I'm Mrs. Claus. 325 00:17:44,939 --> 00:17:47,858 Mrs. Beyoncé claus. 326 00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:50,069 And I'm married to Santa. 327 00:17:50,444 --> 00:17:52,196 No, tell them what you told me. 328 00:17:52,363 --> 00:17:55,449 That it's all just stuff we buy to stick in our big holes. 329 00:17:55,616 --> 00:17:57,785 I've been married for 50 years. 330 00:17:57,952 --> 00:18:00,121 I don't even think about holes anymore. 331 00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:03,291 Why is she talking to children about holes? 332 00:18:03,457 --> 00:18:05,209 -I'll get her. —oy. 333 00:18:05,376 --> 00:18:06,711 - Caroline... - No, Max. 334 00:18:06,877 --> 00:18:08,963 You were right. They should know the truth. 335 00:18:09,130 --> 00:18:11,841 Mrs. Claus, have a little elf control. 336 00:18:12,675 --> 00:18:14,468 Jingles, come into my little house. 337 00:18:14,635 --> 00:18:16,804 No, Max, they should know. 338 00:18:16,971 --> 00:18:21,058 There is no miracle on 34th street and it's not such a wonderful life. 339 00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:24,979 If it were, I wouldn't be standing here in crotchless tights in santaworld... 340 00:18:25,146 --> 00:18:27,648 With a father in prison, too broke to buy a mixer. 341 00:18:27,815 --> 00:18:31,652 - Stop it. You're gonna ruin Christmas. - Christmas is all about money. 342 00:18:31,819 --> 00:18:35,656 If you want stuff from Santa, you gotta buy it, because there is no... 343 00:18:41,704 --> 00:18:43,831 Merry Christmas. 344 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,085 Get her out of here now. 345 00:18:48,252 --> 00:18:51,213 And you, put your knees together. 346 00:18:55,051 --> 00:18:58,220 Hope I didn't ruin Christmas for all those sweet children. 347 00:18:58,387 --> 00:19:01,849 No, you didn't. All they saw was a crotchless elf freaking out. 348 00:19:02,016 --> 00:19:05,895 But Mary Christmas will never recover. 349 00:19:07,313 --> 00:19:10,024 They'll find her in her studio apartment in two weeks... 350 00:19:10,191 --> 00:19:12,193 Hung from the chimney with care. 351 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:15,696 This is all kind of your fault. You told me to come to the dark side. 352 00:19:15,863 --> 00:19:20,368 I didn't think you'd turn into darth Caroline. 353 00:19:20,534 --> 00:19:22,244 Once I went, I couldn't get back. 354 00:19:22,411 --> 00:19:26,123 - And chugging that elfjuice didn't help. - It wasn't just the drink. 355 00:19:26,290 --> 00:19:29,210 Before those presents came crashing down on me, reality did. 356 00:19:29,377 --> 00:19:31,295 I have no money and a father in prison... 357 00:19:31,462 --> 00:19:33,589 Who didn't wanna see me on Thanksgiving. 358 00:19:33,756 --> 00:19:36,717 Yeah, well, there are a lot of people way worse off than you. 359 00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:40,805 Yes, your father's in prison, but at least you have one and you know where he is. 360 00:19:40,971 --> 00:19:46,060 And you have a home and a job. And you have a freaking horse. 361 00:19:49,397 --> 00:19:53,317 So happy holidays. It is a wonderful life. 362 00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:56,404 You're right. I am so lucky. 363 00:19:56,987 --> 00:20:00,950 Well, since right now is the closest to the Christmas spirit we're gonna get... 364 00:20:01,117 --> 00:20:03,994 Santa wanted me to give you your Christmas present now. 365 00:20:05,079 --> 00:20:06,497 It's our new mixer. 366 00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:09,500 We're gonna old-school it. 367 00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:12,420 Oh, you spooned me. 368 00:20:13,254 --> 00:20:15,172 I feel bad, I didn't get you anything. 369 00:20:15,339 --> 00:20:18,175 Max, you got me everything. 370 00:20:18,342 --> 00:20:20,803 Before you, I was living on a subway, and now look. 371 00:20:20,970 --> 00:20:23,347 I'm living near a subway. 372 00:20:23,514 --> 00:20:24,932 So did you buy this? 373 00:20:25,099 --> 00:20:26,934 No, it's from Santa. 374 00:20:27,101 --> 00:20:30,479 Jingles, did you steal this? 375 00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:32,440 Yeah. Ha, ha. 376 00:20:32,606 --> 00:20:34,859 I grabbed it when they were throwing us out. 377 00:20:35,025 --> 00:20:36,193 Wow, Caroline Channing. 378 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:40,531 You keep this up, you won't have to ask permission to visit your father in prison. 379 00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:44,326 But I did give $2 of our cupcake fund money to the salvation army Santa. 380 00:20:44,493 --> 00:20:47,955 So, god bless us everyone. It's a wonderful life. 381 00:20:48,622 --> 00:20:51,000 It's times like this I really miss darth Caroline.