Club sandwich. Burger.
Why the big smile, han?
You going commando under those corduroys?
No. Max, I am happy today...
Because diner clientele has finally changed for the better.
Look, two parties of cool hipsters are sitting at tables near wall.
You think those are six hipsters?
Okay, let's go over this one more time. Hipster or homeless? Pop quiz. Ready?
- Ready. - Hipsters wear?
- Skinny jeans. - Homeless wear?
Dirty jeans.
- Hipsters listen to? - Radiohead.
- Homeless listen to? - The voices in their head.
- Hipsters have? - Beard and a brogue.
- Homeless have? - Beard and so much sadness.
I see sadness there and there.
I told you before, I don't want your kind in here. Take a trendy hike.
Better step it up. The apple store closes at 10.
Max, why did you kick out the hipsters?
Because I can not be in the background of another Instagram photo.
Here's the last check, Earl. And, Max, they stiffed us on the tip.
But they forgot their camera.
Oh, I'll give it to Oleg. He can take one of his special pictures.
That way when they come back to get it everyone will have been stiffed.
Well, good night, ladies.
I gotta get home before the snow starts.
It's not gonna snow, Earl. It's 50 degrees.
Oh, it's gonna snow. Trust me.
I couldn't tell when my first wife was coming...
But I can sure tell when a storm is coming.
All right, so, what's the plan?
What are we gonna do if it does snow?
You're so white I'm worried we're gonna lose you.
I love the snow.
Opening my balcony doors and watching it fall like fresh white linen.
And then running across the street to the park to make snow angels.
Yeah, that's snow when you're rich.
The only snow angels you'll see this year...
Are the six crack addicts frozen to our stoop.
Oh, not to mention the adorable frozen horse...
We have illegally living in the back.
Don't overreact. Chestnut's fine. It's not gonna snow for weeks.
I wouldn't wanna be the next tenants who have to figure out...
Why a pissed-off horse is haunting a Brooklyn apartment.
"I was cold and she thought she knew weather patterns."
Oleg, take a picture of yourjunk on this camera.
Done.
- Aren't you gonna ask why? - No need.
- I just saw Oleg's... - Yeah, that might've been my fault.
Kind of a shock seeing it for the first time.
Max, I don't like you implying that I would ever be cruel to Chestnut.
I'm not implying it, I'm saying it outright.
It's winter.
I've been thinking about it, but Chestnut belongs in a special home.
You belong in a special home.
I found a retreat in the grand tetons where newly-divorced women come...
To hug horses to help them gain back their ability to trust.
The only grand tetons Chestnut trusts are mine.
You gotta get a reality check real quick because Earl thinks it's gonna snow.
Earl also thinks the theme from shaft...
Was stolen from a cassette tape he sent out in 1975.
Shut your mouth. That happened.
Max, it's not gonna snow. I know snow.
We owned a ski chalet in saas-fee, Switzerland.
I think I'd know more than anyone in this restaurant about living in cold climes.
Snow is coming.
Swiss miss, wanna have a conversation about cold climes...
With snow-leg over there?
Oh, Max, I almost forgot, the camera.
I think you'll be very pleased.
I made a little video as well.
Why are you wearing two coats?
Same reason I wear two condoms. In case one breaks.
Max: What the...?
Good morning, world's worst weather girl.
I have never seen so much sunshine.
You know what that means? Earl wrote shaft.
Max, I know it snowed. You don't have to tell me. I'm surrounded...
By so much white stuff I'm like al Pacino in the last scene of scarface.
What are you wearing?
You look like a bag of crazy garbage grew arms.
It's the hefty 2011 winter collection.
I gave Chestnut my coat. This is the only way to keep the snow off me.
Look at poor Chestnut. What is he wearing on his hooves?
I cut up my fendi cashmere leggings.
I grabbed them when we raided the house. I thought ahead, but not for him.
He is humiliated in those ladies clothes.
He looks like j. Edgar hoover.
I've been out here sweeping since 4 am, but it just keeps coming down.
What is your problem, snow? I used to love you.
Maybe we should ask your old doorman, "insert generic Irish name here" to help.
I know their names. Day James, night James and black James.
You're gonna sweep the snow till spring...
While the horse is trapped under this tarp.
Which was covering the out-of—business Cuban restaurant down the street.
They were out of business. And I left a note.
What did it say? "I'm loco, gracias."
No, it said, "sorry I took your roof. Hang in there."
Max, don't be so negative.
It doesn't matter where it came from. It's working.
I just need to secure this tarp a little.
Stop. You're gonna climb on an icy chair in six inch heels and break your neck.
I'm gonna be stuck with you in a wheelchair...
With a chopstick in your mouth tapping, "I thought that would work."
I learned to build when I volunteered with habitat for humanity.
Looking back, they had so much more than I have now.
Okay, argh...
I gotta go to my babysitting job, but when I get back, you and I...
Are gonna sit down and come up with a more realistic home for j. Edgar hoofer.
Max, he lives here. And I'm telling you, this is working.
What I'm doing is actually kind of brilliant.
Now I'm worried about those houses you built.
Hey, peach.
Max, I have the most incredible news.
Lawyer finally found a loophole in your pre-nup?
I wish, no.
I just got an e-mail...
And I have made it to the final round of casting for real housewives of Tribeca.
Real housewives of Tribeca? They're doing neighborhoods now?
What's next? Real housewives of from here to there?
Producers are on their way.
I want everything to be perfect when they see Brad and Angelina.
Uh, peach? Are you aware that your children are being eaten by clothing?
The snow suits are burberry.
The padding hides Angelina's weight problem.
Okay, you have to stop saying that. She doesn't have a weight problem.
She's gained 25 pounds in one year.
Yeah. Because she started at zero.
Max, we all have to look our best. Because, ready?
The last spot on the show is between me and misty mastbaum.
- I thought she was your bestie. - She is. But my bestie's a bitchy.
She's crazy competitive.
As soon as we were approached about the show...
She adopted a three-legged corgi and named it Mr. Pickle.
That's crazy bitchy.
So now I'm looking up handicapped animals to impress the producers.
Oh, you want a handicapped animal?
I got your handicapped animal.
I know a homeless horse with gender identity issues.
I was thinking something cute, but damaged.
Like a one-eyed French bulldog.
What if I told you that this horse was a celebrity horse?
Tell me more.
- My friend Caroline Channing... - “How do you know Caroline Channing?
She's my aa sponsor.
Makes sense. Go on.
Anyway, she has this cute, but crazy damaged horse...
And since her life flipped upside down, he needs a good home.
Well, I'd have to meet Caroline first.
Bring her by on Saturday.
Max, what an amazing idea.
Misty is literally going to die.
I am so thrilled you have a drinking problem.
Did you have to put him in my bedroom?
It was the easiest room to horse-proof. You have so little of worth.
You can stop googling. I already found a perfectly good place to put him.
You're not still suggesting I give Chestnut to peach landis.
Max, look at me. Look at me in the eyes.
Are you high?
No. I couldn't find my bedroom stash since you moved everything around.
Chestnut needs affection, and peach won't even hug her children.
- She pays you to do that. - That's why it's perfect.
She'll pay for the fancy stable, we'll go hug Chestnut for her whenever we want.
- You just need to meet her and it's done. - I have the DNA of a rich girl.
Though I'm in bed in a tenement and I bought my dinner with dimes...
Chestnut and I are old money.
Old money doesn't parade itself around in front of cameras, beg for attention.
You're not the only one with old money. Had a dollar in myjeans for three weeks.
You're meeting peach and saying goodbye to the horse.
Why is getting rid of Chestnut so easy for you?
Didn't you ever have a pet as a child?
Yes, I had a puppy. After a week of living with my mom...
He pulled the car over and put us out on the side of the road.
- She got rid of it? - Look, pets are not my thing. Okay?
I have something needy and fluffy that'll die if I don't take care of it. You.
Go. It's your turn to go check on him.
No. I went the last time and caught him eating my bra.
Don't exaggerate, he only ate half of it.
I'm sorry, you're right. I should be more positive. One of my cups is half full.
What's going on in there?
I don't suppose there's any way you took a giant dump on your dresser?
You can't blame Chestnut, he's probably nervous.
After wearing your leggings, he's getting ready for his fame audition.
He's a maniac, maniac, on all fours.
Max, here's something.
The Ivy bridge riding stables in Brooklyn.
Only 5 miles away.
It says on their website their horses are featured in commercials and films.
Can you say, "Chestnut, star of the war horse sequel"?
Did you take the weed from my bedside table?
Look at me. Look at me in the eyes.
- Are you high? - Honestly?
A little.
- Now, close that and go to sleep. - No, I'm still reading.
Look at that, I just pulled down your browser history.
Interesting list.
"Kitten plays a keyboard. Kitten sneezes and farts at the same time."
Give me that. That's private.
"Kitten folds a t-shirt. Kitten rings a doorbell."
- Thought you said you weren't into pets. - I'm not.
It's a kitten ringing a doorbell.
He was trying to get in, like people.
You have a secret soft spot for animals.
No, I'm just into freaky kittens.
There's one who puts on a snake skin suit and goes on a business trip.
- That's not soft, that is freaky. - Fine.
You're telling me to get a reality check about Chestnut, but you need one too.
You're gonna miss him when he's gone.
Max, are you listening?
Don't worry. I know it's all gonna work out perfectly at the stables tomorrow.
I'm not worried.
The man's not here yet. Damn it. Turn us around. We have to enter again.
Come on, we borrowed these coats from Oleg to make a dramatic star entrance.
You want me to fake it again, buy me dinner and call me pretty.
Fine, then help me down quickly.
I don't wanna be mid-dismount when the stable guy walks in.
Ugh! Pfft!
You just sat on my face.
Like I haven't done enough for you.
Oh, hello, are you Tony?
- Last time I checked. - Oh, jeez.
I'm Caroline Channing, we spoke on the phone.
And this is Chestnut.
Max, step back.
I'll just be over here...
Like the awkward father in the background on toddlers & tiaras.
Well, here he is. And as we discussed, Chestnut is a champion jumper.
His dressage is impeccable. He's ribboned at the Hampton classic.
And he comes from a historically elite line of distinguished show horses.
And he pees like a civil rights fire hose.
Max, step further back.
Come on, let's cut to the chase. He's nice, brown, he looks sick in leggings.
And he's free. So take him or leave him.
When'd you say he was a jumper?
He was in a class by himself.
Well, maybe he was a jumper, but he isn't anymore.
- What? - Well, he's a little out of shape.
Well, you have a gut.
Whoa. I'm just saying, he's seen better days.
I'm just saying, your hair's falling out in fistfuls.
- Whoa. - Okay, okay.
Let's not get personal. We all want this to work.
He's the one getting personal going after Chestnut.
Okay. You tell me, when's the last time he's exercised?
When's the last time you exercised?
Wow, show business is rough.
- All right. It's Tony, right? - Last time I checked.
You'll have to forgive her. She really loves him and wants this to work out.
Bottom line is, even a free horse isn't free.
I'd still have to feed him and take care of him.
And truth be told, this horse isn't gonna make me a penny.
If my film guy comes in here, he's gonna pick that beauty over this one.
- Oh. - So it's not going to work out, girls.
All right, well, we got other offers, fatty.
Caroline, let's go.
You know, maybe next time, before you let someone ride 5 miles...
Across Brooklyn in a toxic Russian Cologne-soaked rent-a-fur...
You should be clear, the film business, even for horses, is ageist and elitist.
And yes, we may have seen better days, but with hard work...
Determination and a little luck, one day, we'll be back on top.
Yeah. And I'm not impressed by your big star pony over there.
He's just standing still.
You wanna impress me? Have him meow and ring a doorbell.
Don't take it personally, Chestnut. Those horses have had work done.
Maybe you wanna take the cinch sack off before you meet peach.
No. It's snowing again, and I'm a penniless beggar. I should look like one.
Besides, she'll probably think it's a look.
I know this one-on-one isn't your ideal scenario...
But it's what's best for Chestnut. So man up and face reality.
You're right.
And my friend Caroline Channing...
What is it?
You might be ready to face reality, but are you ready to face reality TV?
The place is crawling with TV cameras ready to meet you.
- She totally set us up. - Are you kidding me?
Fabulous. This is awesome. Just awesome.
She's using the Caroline freak show to get herself on another freak show.
Let's go. You don't have to do this.
No. If I made Chestnut parade around and be humiliated in public...
Then I have to be willing to do the same.
Here, hold my coat.
- You always have those with you? - Yes, I'm from Manhattan.
Okay. Thank me for coming.
- What? - Thank me for coming.
That's what people did all the time when I was a billionaire.
Thank you for coming.
No. Thank you for inviting me.
Wow. That's so cool.
Don't freak out.
I'm about to get my rich on.
- When we go in, I'll introduce you? - You don't have to.
Rich people always pretend to know each other.
Now, open that door and let's get my baby a home.
Peach, I wanna thank you for inviting me into your beautiful home...
And showing me such kindness during this very difficult, difficult time.
Ladies, I would like you all to meet my dear friend, Caroline Channing...
Who, in light of her recent very difficult, difficult, financial troubles...
Has asked me to adopt her damaged pet horse...
Who was brought to my attention by my alcoholic servant, Max.
Right over there.
Caroline, thank you for coming.
No, thank you for inviting me.
- I'm proud of you. - No, I'm proud of you.
Heh, I just got the chills again.
Caroline: Aw, Max, look at him. He's smiling.
He likes this place.
Yeah, it's almost worth you being humiliated on reality TV.
Oh, I'll never be on that show. I didn't sign the release.
- What? - Old money don't sign.
You're gonna love it here, huh?
Aren't you gonna love it here? A nice big stable?
Maybe I will, maybe I won't.
Maybe I should come home and live with my best friend, Max.
But what about Caroline?
She can sleep under the tarp.
So I guess you found your weed.
This is just something we do when we're alone together. It's kind of our thing.
You really love Chestnut, don't you?
He's all right. He's no kitten.
Okay. I'll see you soon, Chestnut.
You want a minute alone?
I'll be out front.
Hey.
This is probably gonna seem ridiculous to you.
You're a horse and I'm just some lady...
That's been slipping you carrots for the last few months...
But I really got attached to you.
This is way more than most horses get out of me.
I wasn't even this upset when they discontinued tan M&M's.
I haven't had much go right for me in my life...
I'm pretty sure things are gonna keep getting worse...
But you were a good thing.
And when everything sucked, you were the best thing we had going.
And you're fuzzy too.
You're so fuzzy and no one can argue that touching a warm, fuzzy thing...
Isn't straight-up lovely.
So thank you for everything you did for us, but especially for being fuzzy.
Max, are you okay?
Yeah, fine. I'll always be fine.
Are you crying?
Yeah, I'm crying because I wish I could live here.
Don't worry.
We'll come visit and we'll find a way to bring him home in the spring.
Come on, I have a pocket full of dimes.
Let's go get some convenience-store taquitos...
And wash them down with blue-raspberry wine coolers.
They're on sale at the bodega. Two four-packs for $5.
You know exactly what to say to cheer a broke sister up.
And when we get home, I found a video of a kitten singing Bruno Mars.