1
00:00:02,544 --> 00:00:05,797
Caroline: One steak sandwich and
a cheeseburger with muenster cheese.

2
00:00:05,964 --> 00:00:07,049
We're out of muenster.

3
00:00:07,216 --> 00:00:08,342
Oh, since when?

4
00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:11,678
Well, let's see.
The diner opened in '82, so '82.

5
00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:14,139
[Caroline sighs]

6
00:00:14,306 --> 00:00:16,350
Hi. Sorry, but we're out of muenster.

7
00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:18,977
Seriously, dude? I wanted muenster.

8
00:00:19,144 --> 00:00:21,396
Sorry.
We have cheddar, Swiss or American.

9
00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:24,066
Uh, I hate cheddar and Swiss blows.

10
00:00:24,274 --> 00:00:25,692
Well, then, American?

11
00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:26,902
American cheese?

12
00:00:27,069 --> 00:00:30,155
- Where am I, grade school?
- Yeah, go to the principal's office.

13
00:00:30,322 --> 00:00:34,201
I can't have another idiot up my ass
right now. It's at capacity.

14
00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:37,579
Max, I got this.

15
00:00:38,330 --> 00:00:42,376
- Would you like to see the menu again?
- This is crap, okay? I wanted muenster.

16
00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:44,753
I wanted to be running
a fortune 500 company...

17
00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:48,549
Instead of waiting on a toxic man-child
like yourself.

18
00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:51,426
We can't always get what we want.
Order something else...

19
00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:54,930
Put it in your pie hole,
and get on with your damn life.

20
00:00:56,014 --> 00:00:58,559
Welcome to waitress.
We've been expecting you.

21
00:01:12,281 --> 00:01:14,241
Here you go. Table 10, Earl.

22
00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:16,785
Have any exciting plans
for tomorrow?

23
00:01:16,952 --> 00:01:20,747
Just trying to not die in my sleep, Max.
How about you?

24
00:01:23,875 --> 00:01:25,252
Gonna visit Caroline's horse.

25
00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:28,964
He was adopted by a rich lady who
could give him everything we couldn't...

26
00:01:29,172 --> 00:01:31,091
Which is everything.

27
00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:34,261
White people will adopt anything.

28
00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:38,098
I figured out the best way
to go see Chestnut.

29
00:01:38,265 --> 00:01:40,601
We take the j train to the four
to grand central.

30
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:43,770
Change trains to Riverdale
and walk three blocks to his stable.

31
00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:46,732
Sounds exotic.
Do I need a travel shot?

32
00:01:46,898 --> 00:01:50,902
No, but there's a dicey underpass at
grand central where we might get shot.

33
00:01:51,069 --> 00:01:53,614
I am so excited to see my baby again.

34
00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:56,450
Me too. In the lifetime movie version,
we'd get there...

35
00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:59,953
And Chestnut likes
his new home better, and then we cry.

36
00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:01,622
Excuse me. Hi.

37
00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:03,290
Sorry to bother you. I'm rhya.

38
00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:06,627
I'm a little embarrassed.
I just got my period.

39
00:02:06,793 --> 00:02:08,795
Mazel tov.

40
00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:10,047
[Chuckles]

41
00:02:10,213 --> 00:02:11,673
Do either of you have a tampon?

42
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:16,303
Not me. I just go off into the woods
and don't come out till it's over.

43
00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:19,473
- I have one.
- I'm so sorry to bother you guys.

44
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:23,602
No, no problem. Sisterhood
of the traveling panty shields.

45
00:02:23,769 --> 00:02:26,938
I don't. Here's a quarter. There's a
tampon machine in the ladies' room.

46
00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:29,358
[Bell rings]

47
00:02:29,524 --> 00:02:30,817
Pick up. Table 6.

48
00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:32,319
I couldn't help overhear.

49
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:34,446
I have tampon.

50
00:02:39,326 --> 00:02:41,495
Oleg, why do you have a tampon?

51
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:44,456
Same reason I carry a lighter
even though I don't smoke.

52
00:02:44,623 --> 00:02:46,333
Feels good to be the hero.

53
00:02:47,959 --> 00:02:50,170
Sorry, again.
But do you have any more change?

54
00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:51,463
It's 75 cents.

55
00:02:51,630 --> 00:02:54,341
- It's a quarter.
- Seventy-five. Says so on the machine.

56
00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:58,178
It better not, or I'm about to rage
against the machine.

57
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:03,892
What?

58
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,355
Han. I need to see you in here, now.

59
00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:10,190
But that is the ladies' room.

60
00:03:10,357 --> 00:03:14,027
You're fine. Women bring
their little boys in here all the time.

61
00:03:15,862 --> 00:03:17,823
Everybody decent?

62
00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:21,702
Man in the ladies' room.
I apologize for personal intrusion.

63
00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:25,539
You don't have to cover your eyes.
It's a ladies' room, not a solar eclipse.

64
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:28,709
Why do you wanna see me
in this inappropriate meeting place?

65
00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:31,211
- This is why. The tampon machine.
- Oh.

66
00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:34,673
This is not man topic. I do not wish
to discuss time of the month...

67
00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:37,843
When ladies
must chase the cotton mouse.

68
00:03:38,009 --> 00:03:39,553
Chase the cotton mouse?

69
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:43,014
Jeez, where'd you get your sex
education, lamb chop's play-along?

70
00:03:43,181 --> 00:03:44,933
Han,
you changed the price of tampons?

71
00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:47,060
Yes, this is not appropriate talk.

72
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:48,895
No, this is not appropriate action.

73
00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:52,023
They've been a quarter forever.
Look how old this machine is.

74
00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:54,234
Harriet tubman
used to get her tampons here.

75
00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:55,777
I'm a businessman.

76
00:03:55,944 --> 00:03:58,739
Emphasis on the man.
I do not belong in here.

77
00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:03,076
Hey. Hey! Don't make me chase you,
you little khaki mouse.

78
00:04:03,827 --> 00:04:06,913
Everyone knows there are things
people need in an emergency...

79
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,875
- That you never raise the price on.
- Things like what?

80
00:04:10,041 --> 00:04:12,836
Off the top of my head,
tampons and 40-ounce beers.

81
00:04:13,003 --> 00:04:14,296
[Han sighs]

82
00:04:14,463 --> 00:04:17,591
Max, why are you so upset?
It is only two more quarters.

83
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:20,135
Han, that's a zoo-percent price hike.

84
00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:22,804
That's outrageous.
You're taking advantage of women.

85
00:04:22,971 --> 00:04:26,475
If men got periods, tampons
would be thrown free from floats...

86
00:04:26,641 --> 00:04:28,727
Like mardi gras beads.

87
00:04:28,894 --> 00:04:30,771
I went to mardi gras once. I was 11.

88
00:04:30,937 --> 00:04:34,775
My mom and her boyfriend wanted to go
and they needed a designated driver.

89
00:04:35,859 --> 00:04:37,569
Earl, I need a man's opinion.

90
00:04:37,736 --> 00:04:41,114
Is it my right to raise the price
of any product in my diner?

91
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,617
- What product are we talking about?
- Tampons.

92
00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:45,994
Oh, brother.

93
00:04:46,453 --> 00:04:49,122
Uh, you gotta just relax and butt out.

94
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:52,459
Trust me.
I've been in this situation a long time.

95
00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:56,463
You remember aunt flo?
That was my aunt.

96
00:04:56,630 --> 00:05:00,634
Just because you can take advantage
of a situation doesn't mean you should.

97
00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,636
It is law of supply and demand.

98
00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:05,472
Fine. I demand you roll back the price
on the supply.

99
00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:07,516
Han, don't be so 1 percent about it.

100
00:05:07,682 --> 00:05:09,643
Think occupy wall street
was a big deal?

101
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:12,270
Wait till you see occupy tampon.

102
00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:17,943
We only protest once a month,
but it's an intense five to seven days.

103
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:24,449
Got it. Found the milk. And I found it
even faster than the butter.

104
00:05:24,616 --> 00:05:26,868
You know,
they're not hiding it from you.

105
00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:30,121
It's a grocery store,
not a sorority scavenger hunt.

106
00:05:30,705 --> 00:05:32,207
Grocery shopping is so fun.

107
00:05:32,374 --> 00:05:35,961
When I was little, I always wondered
where this stuff came from, heh.

108
00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:41,842
- Caroline: What's that?
- Birthday card for my mom.

109
00:05:42,008 --> 00:05:44,302
Oh, let me see.

110
00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:48,139
"Get better soon"? I thought you said
it was a birthday card.

111
00:05:48,306 --> 00:05:51,685
That's the only one that seemed
appropriate for our relationship.

112
00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:55,397
You really want your mother to get
a "get well" card on her birthday?

113
00:05:55,564 --> 00:05:57,899
Okay. Here's one with a strawberry.
That's fine.

114
00:05:58,066 --> 00:06:00,569
It's really about the 50 bucks inside,
anyway.

115
00:06:00,777 --> 00:06:02,404
That makes me sad.

116
00:06:02,571 --> 00:06:04,906
Sad? I can fix that.

117
00:06:05,073 --> 00:06:08,243
There. Have a treat.
It'll perk you right back up.

118
00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:10,662
Max, you just stabbed a bag of candy.

119
00:06:10,829 --> 00:06:13,748
It's okay, they'll just think
a gang came through and did it.

120
00:06:13,915 --> 00:06:17,794
A candy gang?
What, like the sour patch kids?

121
00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:22,674
Just step away and pretend
you didn't do it. That's what you do.

122
00:06:24,342 --> 00:06:27,596
We need to grab 10 boxes of Duncan
hines cake mix and we're done.

123
00:06:27,804 --> 00:06:29,097
Why would we do that?

124
00:06:29,264 --> 00:06:31,182
Why do you think?
To make the cupcakes.

125
00:06:31,349 --> 00:06:33,518
I thought the cupcakes
were homemade.

126
00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:37,022
They are. I make them in my home.

127
00:06:37,814 --> 00:06:40,442
You've been using a box cake mix?

128
00:06:40,609 --> 00:06:42,444
Relax. I only use it when I'm tired.

129
00:06:42,611 --> 00:06:45,947
And I add a secret ingredient of my own
that makes them irresistible.

130
00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:48,533
But you have no shame
using the store-bought mix?

131
00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:51,953
I have no shame about anything.
Shame is overrated, like ke$ha.

132
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:55,874
In fact, they should rename shame
"ke$hame."

133
00:06:56,041 --> 00:07:00,754
"I just bought a ke$ha album.
I'm so ke$hamed."

134
00:07:02,547 --> 00:07:04,299
Shouldn't there be someone
to do this?

135
00:07:04,466 --> 00:07:06,968
He's probably cleaning up
after the candy gang.

136
00:07:07,135 --> 00:07:09,262
There was no candy gang
in here tonight.

137
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:12,641
That was a sneaky customer,
now, wasn't it?

138
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:16,645
Hey, look. For Chestnut. I can't wait.

139
00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:18,813
I got the kind with tops,
like bugs bunny.

140
00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:21,232
He'll be so excited
when he sees us tomorrow.

141
00:07:21,399 --> 00:07:24,736
- I know.
- I was talking about me and the carrots.

142
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:28,907
All right, now. Your total is $70.49.

143
00:07:29,074 --> 00:07:30,825
Wow, that seems like a lot.

144
00:07:30,992 --> 00:07:33,620
I don't make the prices, now, do I?

145
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:36,623
No. I was just commenting.

146
00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:39,668
Well, it's not CNN, now, is it?

147
00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:43,296
Here. Give her the coupons.

148
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:44,506
The coupons?

149
00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:46,007
Yeah, here.

150
00:07:46,174 --> 00:07:49,260
Max, you use coupons?

151
00:07:49,427 --> 00:07:51,680
I had no idea.

152
00:07:51,888 --> 00:07:55,684
You're looking at me
like I'm on to catch a predator.

153
00:07:56,393 --> 00:07:58,979
We don't need to use those.
I have my tip money here.

154
00:07:59,145 --> 00:08:02,357
What are you talking about?
I have coupons. Here, take them.

155
00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:10,156
I have... I can't. I don't want to.

156
00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:14,202
I've fallen so far, I can't fall
any further. Don't make me.

157
00:08:14,411 --> 00:08:16,997
There's no need
to go down a ke$hame spiral.

158
00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:18,873
Hi. She has coupons.

159
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:21,126
Oh, now you tell me
you have coupons?

160
00:08:21,292 --> 00:08:23,712
Should have told me before,
now, shouldn't you?

161
00:08:23,878 --> 00:08:25,964
I didn't wanna tell you at all.
She made me.

162
00:08:26,131 --> 00:08:27,549
Now, didn't you?

163
00:08:27,716 --> 00:08:28,842
[Sighs]

164
00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:32,053
Look, it's not a big deal.
Lots of people use coupons.

165
00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:35,682
- Coupons are for...
- Poor people. Yes. Like us.

166
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:38,059
People who stand at the cash register
and say:

167
00:08:38,226 --> 00:08:41,312
"Wow, $70, that seems like a lot."

168
00:08:41,479 --> 00:08:44,691
Your new total is $12.70.

169
00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:48,194
Wait. It just went from $70 to 12?
Just like that?

170
00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:52,407
The same food for less money?
The exact same food?

171
00:08:52,574 --> 00:08:53,908
How is that even possible?

172
00:08:54,075 --> 00:08:56,578
You used coupons, now, didn't you?

173
00:08:57,746 --> 00:09:01,082
Max, coupons are genius.

174
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:04,085
[Door opens]

175
00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:06,588
I'm late, I know.

176
00:09:06,755 --> 00:09:09,174
I just got a text from Chestnut.
"Where are you?

177
00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:11,176
I'm wearing my best suit."

178
00:09:11,342 --> 00:09:14,095
He spelled suit with a 4,
but that's good for a horse.

179
00:09:14,596 --> 00:09:18,099
I have a good reason.
Fifteen chicken pot pies.

180
00:09:18,266 --> 00:09:22,103
Regular price: A dollar 47.
Coupon price: Free...

181
00:09:22,270 --> 00:09:25,356
Because I bought 15 and used
the double coupon in-store sale.

182
00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:27,275
Listen to me, with the lingo already.

183
00:09:27,484 --> 00:09:30,028
Reminds me of my first day
interning on wall street.

184
00:09:30,195 --> 00:09:33,281
Chicken pot pies?
You don't even like them.

185
00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:36,743
What does it matter if I like them?
They were free. It's free money.

186
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:38,244
Who doesn't like free money?

187
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:42,624
I don't know, but this is like watching
someone free base for the first time.

188
00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:45,627
Chestnut's fine, it's not a big deal.

189
00:09:45,794 --> 00:09:48,797
Oh, I just got another text
from Chestnut.

190
00:09:49,005 --> 00:09:52,383
"I'm so lonely, I just tried smoking."

191
00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:54,135
We can go tomorrow.

192
00:09:54,302 --> 00:09:57,806
In the lifetime movie version, we
missed the day appointed by the court...

193
00:09:58,014 --> 00:10:01,601
And Chestnut's new parents move him
out of town, and we cry.

194
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:03,937
I get it. It's just
that after last night...

195
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:07,774
I woke up fascinated by the concept
of coupons, so I did some research.

196
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:11,486
I found this woman online who calls
herself the williamsburg coupon oueen.

197
00:10:11,653 --> 00:10:14,614
Only she calls them "cuepons."
Is that the correct way to pronounce it?

198
00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:18,409
Hmm, I'm gonna go with her way.
After all, she is the queen.

199
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:20,662
Canned pumpkin?

200
00:10:20,829 --> 00:10:23,790
Ten cans.
Double coupon, 5 cents each.

201
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,917
Great.
I'm always lying in bed thinking:

202
00:10:26,084 --> 00:10:28,419
"I wish I could crack open
a can of pumpkin."

203
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:30,672
Oh, I found a coupon
for you to send your mom...

204
00:10:30,839 --> 00:10:33,091
An edible arrangement
for her birthday.

205
00:10:33,258 --> 00:10:36,511
A pretty pineapple Daisy says
so much more than cash and a card.

206
00:10:36,678 --> 00:10:40,014
And it's for 40 percent off
the regular price.

207
00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:44,144
That's perfect, because my mom
was 40 percent off a regular mom.

208
00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:46,813
Max, I do have something else
for you in this bag.

209
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:49,482
Something that'll make you
very happy.

210
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:52,360
Canned yams
for when I get tired of canned pumpkin?

211
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:56,906
[Max gasps]

212
00:10:57,448 --> 00:11:01,703
Look out, han Lee,
I'm about to get my tampon.

213
00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:09,210
Well, well,
if it isn't everything that's wrong...

214
00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:12,213
With the current economy
in a boy's v-neck sweater.

215
00:11:13,756 --> 00:11:14,799
[Grunts]

216
00:11:14,966 --> 00:11:16,885
Oh, what do you think you are doing?

217
00:11:17,093 --> 00:11:20,388
Oh, just putting straws
in the container...

218
00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:24,350
In case a...

219
00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:29,063
In case a woman
might suddenly need a straw...

220
00:11:29,230 --> 00:11:31,399
And not have 75 cents.

221
00:11:31,608 --> 00:11:34,402
Those are not straws.
They do not belong in public.

222
00:11:34,569 --> 00:11:39,824
Didn't your mother ever teach you
that is secret no-no private lady thing?

223
00:11:39,991 --> 00:11:42,744
You can't even say the name.
Come on, wall street...

224
00:11:42,911 --> 00:11:46,247
If you can sell it, you should be able
to bring yourself to say it.

225
00:11:46,748 --> 00:11:48,208
I will never speak of it.

226
00:11:49,083 --> 00:11:52,503
Just say it. Tampon, tampon, tampon.
What's the big deal?

227
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:55,715
In Ukraine,
there are pop songs about it.

228
00:11:55,882 --> 00:11:57,842
[Singing]
She's so pretty, she's so grouch y

229
00:11:58,009 --> 00:11:59,427
[beatboxing]

230
00:12:07,268 --> 00:12:10,271
That is inappropriate counter display.
You take it down.

231
00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:13,358
- You take down the price and I will.
- No, it is free market.

232
00:12:13,524 --> 00:12:15,652
I charge what I want. I am the boss.

233
00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:19,781
Max, someone left a stack
of newspapers filled with coupons...

234
00:12:19,948 --> 00:12:24,035
And look, a double for Duncan hines.
Could this day get any better?

235
00:12:24,202 --> 00:12:26,287
Oh, and tables 4, 7 and 8
want their checks.

236
00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:28,957
Oh, okay. Have them ready right here.

237
00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:36,130
Max, no. That is private.

238
00:12:36,297 --> 00:12:38,800
Here's your check.
And a little something extra...

239
00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:42,428
Compliments of women
without three quarters everywhere.

240
00:12:42,971 --> 00:12:44,555
Thank you very much.

241
00:12:44,722 --> 00:12:48,226
I don't know about your flow,
so I gave you a regular and a super.

242
00:12:55,191 --> 00:12:56,818
Max, have you no shame?

243
00:12:56,985 --> 00:13:01,322
Nope. Ladies, at that time of the month,
I invite you to think of this man.

244
00:13:01,489 --> 00:13:03,491
This man, han Lee, right over here.

245
00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:08,454
The man who thinks your menses
should be more expensies.

246
00:13:09,414 --> 00:13:12,125
Okay, okay.
I will lower the price back to a quarter.

247
00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:14,335
And that is end of discussion. Period.

248
00:13:17,839 --> 00:13:19,924
Tampons for everyone.

249
00:13:20,091 --> 00:13:21,634
[All applaud]

250
00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:28,224
Max, you are the Norma rae
of feminine hygiene.

251
00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:31,269
[Inhales]

252
00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:43,698
So windy.

253
00:13:43,906 --> 00:13:48,202
Choosing coupon shopping over going
to see your son again, that's a ke$hame.

254
00:13:48,369 --> 00:13:50,872
In the lifetime movie version,
they take you away...

255
00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:52,790
As an unfit mother. I don't cry.

256
00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:56,544
I'm sorry, but I just saw that all these
cake mix coupons expire today.

257
00:13:56,711 --> 00:13:58,880
I'll be real quick.
Ten minutes, in and out.

258
00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:01,507
If I had a coupon for every time
I heard that from a guy.

259
00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:04,969
Start going through these and look
for the cake mix double coupon.

260
00:14:05,136 --> 00:14:07,305
If I combine these
with the in-store bonus...

261
00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:10,016
Not only will we
get the lower coupon mix price...

262
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,894
But they will actually
give us $23 back.

263
00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:14,520
[Chuckles]

264
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:17,565
I'll give you $24 dollars
to stop saying "cuepon."

265
00:14:17,732 --> 00:14:22,403
Come on, start pulling out the ones
for the cake mix. It'll be a breeze.

266
00:14:25,573 --> 00:14:27,158
No, that was a breeze.

267
00:14:27,325 --> 00:14:29,243
My coupons!

268
00:14:29,410 --> 00:14:32,538
The fact that you're more worried
about coupons than your hair...

269
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:34,248
Shows how far you've fallen.

270
00:14:39,253 --> 00:14:40,755
Oh, my god. I can't believe it.

271
00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:43,216
Max,
it's the williamsburg coupon queen.

272
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:45,176
Where'd she leave her crown,
in the minivan?

273
00:14:45,343 --> 00:14:47,720
This is so exciting.
I have to go pay my respects.

274
00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:51,599
We don't have time for this. Throw
the cake mix in, or we'll miss the train.

275
00:14:54,519 --> 00:14:57,021
There. Calm down. Have a treat.
I'll be right back.

276
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:02,735
Excuse me, your highness,
but aren't you the coupon queen?

277
00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:04,779
- Freddie: Mm-hm.
- I'm Caroline.

278
00:15:04,946 --> 00:15:07,115
Freddie. And I can't talk right now.

279
00:15:07,281 --> 00:15:09,450
- If I lose my place...
- You'll lose your mind.

280
00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:12,120
I know, you say that on your show.

281
00:15:12,286 --> 00:15:16,249
I won't bother you, but you'll be excited
when I tell you it's my second day...

282
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:19,127
And I already learned
how to make money on cake mix.

283
00:15:19,293 --> 00:15:23,214
- All I do is buy 40 boxes and we get...
- The store bonus. Yeah.

284
00:15:23,381 --> 00:15:26,050
Cake mix. That's a rare coupon.

285
00:15:28,136 --> 00:15:31,431
- Where'd you find it?
- Yesterday's circulars. Didn't you see it?

286
00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:33,099
I missed it.

287
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:36,561
Go to the truck
and get the stockpile of circulars.

288
00:15:38,312 --> 00:15:40,314
Max: Look at him go.

289
00:15:41,065 --> 00:15:42,984
You're sweeping the shelves.

290
00:15:43,151 --> 00:15:47,822
On your show, you said sweeping
the shelves was out of line. Max.

291
00:15:48,030 --> 00:15:49,490
These are mine. I was here first.

292
00:15:49,657 --> 00:15:52,952
She's probably gonna be here last,
so let's go. We don't need these.

293
00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:55,913
We do. If we don't get 40 boxes,
they won't be free.

294
00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:59,041
I've met actual queens
and this isn't royal behavior.

295
00:16:02,003 --> 00:16:04,505
Max, she just bodychecked me.

296
00:16:04,672 --> 00:16:07,675
Push me again and I will report you
to the American embassy.

297
00:16:07,842 --> 00:16:10,052
Max, get in here.

298
00:16:13,264 --> 00:16:14,515
Oh, we got a problem?

299
00:16:17,101 --> 00:16:18,853
Oh, we got a problem.

300
00:16:19,437 --> 00:16:20,771
Oh, hell, no!

301
00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:31,157
What do we do?

302
00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:34,869
You step away and pretend
you didn't do it. That's what you do.

303
00:16:36,787 --> 00:16:40,374
- Twenty-four, 25...
- You're making me wait, aren't you?

304
00:16:40,583 --> 00:16:42,710
- Just till I get to 40.
- All: Ugh.

305
00:16:42,877 --> 00:16:44,295
Twenty-six, 27, 28...

306
00:16:44,462 --> 00:16:46,839
Come on, I'll buy it for you.

307
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:49,842
Take up the bitch on his offer
and let's go see Chestnut.

308
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,469
Max, shh, I'm counting.

309
00:16:51,636 --> 00:16:55,348
If we don't have the right mix to coupon
ratio, we won't get our free money.

310
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:58,184
- Okay. Where was I?
- Amateur.

311
00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:01,312
Real mature, your highness.
We have places to go.

312
00:17:01,896 --> 00:17:04,815
Okay, 40. Take it away, Tanya.

313
00:17:04,982 --> 00:17:07,401
Wait. What is this?
This isn't Duncan hines.

314
00:17:07,610 --> 00:17:10,404
- It's pillsbury. Where'd this come from?
- I put it in.

315
00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:13,157
You can't do that.
It has to be all Duncan hines.

316
00:17:13,324 --> 00:17:14,909
- I need a pillsbury.
- You can't.

317
00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:16,202
-Ineedit —why?

318
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:17,745
-Ineedit —why?

319
00:17:17,912 --> 00:17:19,872
That's the secret ingredient.

320
00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:23,876
I throw a spoon of pillsbury
in the Duncan hines.

321
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:26,420
Pillsbury? That's what makes it you?

322
00:17:26,629 --> 00:17:28,089
That's what makes it
more delicious.

323
00:17:28,256 --> 00:17:29,298
[Sighs]

324
00:17:29,465 --> 00:17:31,509
- Tanya, stop. Flag on the play.
- All: Ah.

325
00:17:31,676 --> 00:17:33,678
Here. Take this back
and get me another.

326
00:17:33,844 --> 00:17:35,721
I'm just gonna go see Chestnut.

327
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:38,224
Max, please, take this back
and get me another.

328
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:41,936
You use store-bought mix instead
of making your own from scratch...

329
00:17:42,103 --> 00:17:43,896
So go back and get me another mix.

330
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:47,358
I use mix because I don't know how
to make my own, no one taught me.

331
00:17:47,525 --> 00:17:51,112
No one taught me how to bake, to use
tampons. No one taught me anything.

332
00:17:51,279 --> 00:17:53,948
You still think
I should send my mom a better gift?

333
00:17:54,115 --> 00:17:56,951
And no one taught you
how to check out, either.

334
00:17:58,202 --> 00:17:59,787
I'm going.

335
00:18:01,289 --> 00:18:03,291
You need to get another mix,
now, don't you?

336
00:18:03,457 --> 00:18:05,126
I'll go get it. Won't take a minute.

337
00:18:05,293 --> 00:18:06,627
All: Oh.

338
00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:08,212
Who's the queen now?

339
00:18:13,175 --> 00:18:15,052
Hey, my dude.

340
00:18:15,219 --> 00:18:17,763
Look at you in your fancy coat.

341
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:20,725
Retirement looks good on you.

342
00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:23,936
Told you I'd come to see you.
Hooked you up with some carrots.

343
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:27,815
Bugs bunny status
like I know you like.

344
00:18:28,899 --> 00:18:33,654
I, uh... I don't know if you got my text,
probably not a great signal in here...

345
00:18:33,821 --> 00:18:35,740
But your mom might be a little late.

346
00:18:35,906 --> 00:18:39,327
She's coming, though,
because I know she's dying to see you.

347
00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:42,496
All right, man, who am I kidding?
She's not coming.

348
00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:44,498
I know that's hard to hear.

349
00:18:44,665 --> 00:18:47,501
And trust me, mothers not showing up,
I've been there.

350
00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:51,964
But I know wherever she is,
she is thinking of you.

351
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,759
Okay, that's not true, either.
Here's the thing...

352
00:18:55,343 --> 00:18:56,677
Your mom is a flake.

353
00:18:56,844 --> 00:19:00,181
You got two options. You can sit around
feeling sorry for yourself...

354
00:19:00,348 --> 00:19:04,518
Or you can say, "hey, my mom's
not here, I can watch TV all day...

355
00:19:04,727 --> 00:19:08,022
And then go kick in a neighbor's
window because I feel like it."

356
00:19:08,189 --> 00:19:10,941
Hey. Hey, look at me.

357
00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:15,321
The fact that she's not here
is not your fault, it's hers.

358
00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:18,866
There. I just saved you, like,
14 inappropriate sexual encounters.

359
00:19:21,786 --> 00:19:24,163
- Hi.
- Hey.

360
00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:28,209
Hi, Chestnut. Hi, baby.

361
00:19:28,376 --> 00:19:33,047
Oh, I missed you.
I missed you so much.

362
00:19:33,214 --> 00:19:34,715
Did you miss me?

363
00:19:34,882 --> 00:19:38,511
- So you got all the cake mix?
- Yes, plus the $23.

364
00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:40,721
And I got you your pillsbury, as well.

365
00:19:40,888 --> 00:19:42,556
Paid full price. It killed me.

366
00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:44,725
You are a freak with the coupons.

367
00:19:44,892 --> 00:19:47,228
I know.
I don't know what came over me.

368
00:19:47,395 --> 00:19:51,065
When I found a way to make free
money, I forgot about everyone else.

369
00:19:51,232 --> 00:19:53,901
Oh, my god. Like my father.

370
00:19:54,068 --> 00:19:56,404
Max, I have Ponzi DNA.

371
00:19:56,570 --> 00:19:58,989
Yeah, cou-Ponzi DNA.

372
00:20:00,324 --> 00:20:02,993
Must've been hard learning
to do everything on your own.

373
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:06,747
I don't know how to do any of that
stuff, either, but I had a staff of 20.

374
00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:09,583
Yeah, I got staph at 20.

375
00:20:10,418 --> 00:20:15,047
You know, you may think your secret
ingredient is a spoonful of pillsbury...

376
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,758
But it's not. It's you.

377
00:20:17,925 --> 00:20:20,928
It's everything you've been through
that makes you who you are.

378
00:20:21,095 --> 00:20:24,724
Someone who fights for a box
of tampons, fights for horse's feelings...

379
00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:26,892
And even fights
for a box of cake mix...

380
00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:31,021
When a friend in the middle
of a cou-Ponzi panic asks her to.

381
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:35,443
This is the part in the lifetime movie
version where I get up to pee.

382
00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:40,614
I don't know who you're kidding. You
watch the entire movie and then cry.

383
00:20:40,823 --> 00:20:44,201
Listen to her, Chestnut,
she thinks she has me all figured out.

384
00:20:44,368 --> 00:20:49,415
What she doesn't know is the cupcakes
have another secret, secret ingredient.

385
00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:51,792
Oh. Don't tell me it's a pinch
of Betty Crocker.

386
00:20:51,959 --> 00:20:54,920
I can't tell you.
It's a secret ingredient.

387
00:20:55,212 --> 00:20:57,131
Okay,
it's chocolate methamphetamine.

388
00:20:58,340 --> 00:20:59,425
No, it's true.

389
00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:03,053
Our slogan should be, "they're so good,
you'll Rob your grandmother."

390
00:21:32,541 --> 00:21:34,627
[English - us - sdh]