1
00:00:02,836 --> 00:00:06,048
So that's three of our delicious
homemade cupcakes.

2
00:00:06,256 --> 00:00:10,177
Nope. Can't. You touched them.
Sorry. Flu season. No health care.

3
00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:16,350
You realize I replaced that purell
with k-y, right?

4
00:00:16,975 --> 00:00:20,020
- Max, please say you're kidding.
- Of course I'm kidding.

5
00:00:20,187 --> 00:00:23,524
I can't afford lube. I just use my tears.

6
00:00:23,690 --> 00:00:26,693
Max, seriously,
don't mess with my hand sanitizer.

7
00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:30,989
I've already caught poverty this year
and I refuse to catch the flu.

8
00:00:31,156 --> 00:00:34,201
I just have to keep cleaning my hands
and not touch anyone.

9
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:36,870
Caroline, I have check from table 10.

10
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:39,206
Okay, just place it right there.

11
00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:42,209
That's a big tip, wow.

12
00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:43,418
[Sneezes]

13
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:48,507
Heh, you know, in Indonesia,
you'd be married now.

14
00:01:00,435 --> 00:01:02,604
- I'm gonna get sick. I know it.
- You're fine.

15
00:01:02,813 --> 00:01:06,441
Fine?
Han just unloaded into my mouth.

16
00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:09,611
Congratulations.
You both finally got some action.

17
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:15,867
I can't afford to get sick and miss work.
I need to get some antibiotics.

18
00:01:16,034 --> 00:01:19,037
You're poor now. Poor people
don't run out and buy antibiotics.

19
00:01:19,204 --> 00:01:22,749
Man up, grow a pair,
stare germs in the face.

20
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:24,751
Like this French fry from that guy...

21
00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:26,396
- Who couldn't stop coughing.
- Max, no, no...

22
00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:29,756
- Oh!
- Mm. Booya!

23
00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:32,217
And I haven't ever been sick,
or to a clinic.

24
00:01:32,384 --> 00:01:35,095
And, no, planned parenthood
doesn't count.

25
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,765
Well, well, well.

26
00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:42,060
She weebles and she wobbles,
but she don't fall down.

27
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:46,565
Oh, Earl, you're so naughty and nice.
Ha, ha.

28
00:01:46,732 --> 00:01:48,942
And I'll be checking you out twice.

29
00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,611
[Chuckles]

30
00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:53,071
Hey, Sophie. Sit anywhere you like.

31
00:01:53,238 --> 00:01:57,618
Oh, uh, let's see. Where is lighting
that will make me look most attractive?

32
00:01:57,784 --> 00:02:01,079
What am I saying?
I look good everywhere.

33
00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:05,584
I am meeting man for first time
that I met online.

34
00:02:05,751 --> 00:02:08,629
- I wonder if he's here yet.
- Unless you've been cruising...

35
00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:12,299
Singles who don't leave
enough singles, I'd say no, heh.

36
00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:15,594
You know, Max,
if my date turned out to be big bust...

37
00:02:15,761 --> 00:02:17,512
What, bigger than ours? Heh.

38
00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:21,141
Then you come over and say
that something suddenly came up...

39
00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:23,685
And that I have to go, okay?

40
00:02:24,436 --> 00:02:26,563
Oh, my gosh, this must be him.

41
00:02:26,730 --> 00:02:28,523
Oh! Aah!

42
00:02:29,775 --> 00:02:31,652
- You must be Sophie kachinsky.
- Yes.

43
00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:33,487
I'm sergiusz bilowski.

44
00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:35,238
- Oh. Mwah. Mwah.
- Oh. Ha, ha.

45
00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:38,992
- Wow, I love your dress. I love that.
- Oh, ha, ha.

46
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:42,204
Something came up
and you have to go.

47
00:02:42,454 --> 00:02:44,998
- No, no. This is perfect.
- Heh.

48
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,625
Uh, would you like to sit down?

49
00:02:46,792 --> 00:02:49,336
- Let me run to the little boys' room first.
- Okay, heh.

50
00:02:51,421 --> 00:02:54,508
- Who is that?
- That's Sophie's new boyfriend.

51
00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:57,636
I see. And where is his boyfriend?

52
00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:05,644
Hello. Nice to see you again.

53
00:03:05,811 --> 00:03:09,189
I'm wearing my velour
especially for you.

54
00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:14,027
And right now,
it's the only thing soft about me.

55
00:03:16,071 --> 00:03:19,658
Please, go away before my date
comes back from the mens' room.

56
00:03:19,825 --> 00:03:23,745
- You have brought other man in here?
- Yes, I met him on Polish dating site.

57
00:03:23,954 --> 00:03:26,998
On polemeetpole.Com.

58
00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:32,546
You didn't have to go online.
You could meet my pole anytime.

59
00:03:33,004 --> 00:03:34,881
This will never happen.

60
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:36,425
You're not my type.

61
00:03:36,591 --> 00:03:38,051
Well, what is your type?

62
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:41,555
Wow, they have those automatic
hand dryers that blow you.

63
00:03:43,849 --> 00:03:46,059
I love being blown like that.

64
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:47,394
[Sophie chuckles]

65
00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:50,397
Those look like
two giant orange traffic cones.

66
00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:53,608
Are you trying to tell me
not to park there?

67
00:03:56,778 --> 00:03:59,698
This is a lady. Show her some respect.

68
00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:04,077
Sophie has new man in her life.

69
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:06,747
I am so mad, I cannot see straight.

70
00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:10,584
Well, I'm looking right at him
and I don't see straight either.

71
00:04:13,795 --> 00:04:17,424
Max, I think I'm running a slight fever.
Feel my forehead.

72
00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:20,385
Look, you should've learned by now.
I don't feel anything.

73
00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:24,598
I have written down address
of drug store in south williamsburg...

74
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,266
That has a doctor on site.

75
00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:28,143
Here. I will pay for it.

76
00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:30,771
Unless it is cancer. Then I'm out.

77
00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:35,859
And, Max, here is check for table 7.

78
00:04:36,026 --> 00:04:37,194
[Sneezes]

79
00:04:38,236 --> 00:04:39,529
Booya!

80
00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:47,245
How long is it gonna take
to see a doctor?

81
00:04:47,412 --> 00:04:50,540
I'm definitely getting something.
I'm pre-sick. I'm stage one pre-sick.

82
00:04:50,707 --> 00:04:52,083
I need penicillin.

83
00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:55,837
I told you before, you have to man up
and not give into this sick stuff.

84
00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:59,382
I'm not like you,
I have actual things I feel.

85
00:04:59,549 --> 00:05:01,384
Woman [over pa]:
Menachem Goldman.

86
00:05:01,551 --> 00:05:03,303
Menachem Goldman.

87
00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:08,099
Oh, this must be
the orthodox Jewish neighborhood.

88
00:05:08,266 --> 00:05:11,269
Either that or we're in 22 top-ville.

89
00:05:11,436 --> 00:05:13,438
Max, have some respect.

90
00:05:13,605 --> 00:05:17,818
Hey, I got nothing but respect.
They basically invented southern rock.

91
00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:21,780
I love the Jewish people.
Whenever I felt sick before...

92
00:05:21,947 --> 00:05:25,200
I'd pop over to the town house
next door and visit Dr. Klein.

93
00:05:25,367 --> 00:05:29,496
So your love was contingent on pills?
We're not that different.

94
00:05:29,704 --> 00:05:31,373
The kleins and I were very close.

95
00:05:31,540 --> 00:05:33,792
I was invited to many a passover
in their home.

96
00:05:33,959 --> 00:05:36,795
In fact, they called me
their honorary Jew.

97
00:05:36,962 --> 00:05:39,881
Rivka shemshelewitz.

98
00:05:41,049 --> 00:05:43,760
Rivka shemshelewitz.

99
00:05:43,927 --> 00:05:46,221
Well, you're no Rivka shemshelewitz.

100
00:05:46,638 --> 00:05:49,432
Mrs. Klein always said
I had a bissel Jew.

101
00:05:49,599 --> 00:05:51,476
You had a Jewish vacuum cleaner?

102
00:05:51,643 --> 00:05:54,145
No, "bissel."
It's a yiddish word, it means "little."

103
00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:56,398
And this one time, I had a bissel flu...

104
00:05:56,565 --> 00:05:58,942
And she brought me chicken soup
every day.

105
00:05:59,109 --> 00:06:03,238
- Why don't you give Dr. Klein a call?
- I did three times and no return.

106
00:06:03,405 --> 00:06:07,534
He doesn't want anything to do with me
because of my father's financial scandal.

107
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:10,871
All those years,
I thought we were family. Guess not.

108
00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:13,540
Ignoring your needs
and pretending you don't exist?

109
00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:15,375
Sounds like family to me.

110
00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:16,960
Caroline Channing.

111
00:06:17,127 --> 00:06:20,338
- Caroline Channing.
- Finally.

112
00:06:20,505 --> 00:06:21,590
Let me do the talking.

113
00:06:21,756 --> 00:06:24,885
I learned a lot of Hebrew
from Mrs. Klein. These are my people.

114
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:27,095
Hello, shalom.

115
00:06:27,262 --> 00:06:28,305
[Speaks in yiddish]

116
00:06:28,513 --> 00:06:32,434
Very good, do you wanna squeeze in
a couple more before sundown?

117
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:37,939
You're as bad as me trying to be Irish
at the blarney Rose for a free beer.

118
00:06:38,106 --> 00:06:41,693
[In pirate accent]
Yar, can I get me a cerveza?

119
00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:46,197
What can I get you, ladies, besides skirts
that are more appropriate?

120
00:06:46,364 --> 00:06:48,533
Sorry. I didn't know
it was an orthodox neighborhood.

121
00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:52,162
You know what? We can just tie our coats
around our waists. Max.

122
00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:54,497
Oh, look at the breasts on this one.

123
00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:56,541
Coat on or off? Make up your mind.

124
00:06:56,708 --> 00:07:00,420
No, bubala. I'm just saying with those
big breasts and that gorgeous hair...

125
00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:02,881
It's like looking in a mirror.

126
00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:06,134
It's been a few years, but trust me,
under this wig and smock...

127
00:07:06,301 --> 00:07:07,761
Spitting image of you.

128
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,220
Here you go, Esther Rachael.

129
00:07:09,387 --> 00:07:11,947
How else do you think I landed
a handsome doctor like my anshell?

130
00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:13,141
[Phone rings]

131
00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:15,270
Uh, doctor? Doctor?
Doctor, if you could...? Ugh!

132
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,520
What is that Hebrew word for "wait"?

133
00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:19,332
You might wanna start
peppering in some English.

134
00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:20,398
[Caroline sighs]

135
00:07:20,565 --> 00:07:23,526
Now, chava? Now you're telling me
you're too sick to bake?

136
00:07:23,693 --> 00:07:26,613
I need 80 cupcakes.
The bar mitzvah is tomorrow.

137
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:30,033
You're dead to me. See you next week.

138
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:31,326
- We could help.
- We can?

139
00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:32,994
Max: Yeah. Give me the card.

140
00:07:33,411 --> 00:07:36,414
Hi, I'm Max and my friend and I here
have a cupcake business...

141
00:07:36,581 --> 00:07:39,751
And we'd be happy to bake
as many cupcakes as you need.

142
00:07:39,918 --> 00:07:42,879
I mean, you need cake, we make cake.
It's bashert.

143
00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:47,050
Look, enough with the
"it's a small Hebrew world after all."

144
00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:49,886
- How does 250 sound?
- No way, 275.

145
00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:51,554
I have to bake all morning.

146
00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:54,516
It's like looking in a mirror.

147
00:07:54,766 --> 00:07:56,017
They're kosher, right?

148
00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:58,937
Are they kosher? Look at me.
Like looking in a mirror.

149
00:07:59,104 --> 00:08:01,231
Good. I'll call you with the address.

150
00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:04,109
Esther, if I could talk to your husband
about getting some anti...

151
00:08:04,275 --> 00:08:06,403
Sorry. Sundown.

152
00:08:13,702 --> 00:08:18,248
Okay, I've got the kosher cookbook,
salt, flower, sugar, new mixing bowls.

153
00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:20,500
And I stopped at the goodwill
and got us...

154
00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:24,421
Two appropriately sad schmattas
to wear for tomorrow. Let's start.

155
00:08:24,713 --> 00:08:27,590
- Start? I'm already half done.
- How could you be half done?

156
00:08:27,757 --> 00:08:31,511
- You didn't have any kosher ingredients.
- Oh, we'll just tell them they're kosher.

157
00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:34,222
Oh, my god. We can't do that.

158
00:08:34,389 --> 00:08:36,433
Oh, my god. We just did.

159
00:08:36,808 --> 00:08:39,894
They have to be kosher.
Do you want god to smite us?

160
00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:43,356
What's he gonna do? Take away
all my good luck and your fortune?

161
00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:46,401
You think all those things
labeled "low-fat" are low-fat?

162
00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:47,861
It's just a sales gimmick.

163
00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:51,614
I had a low-Cal ice cream bar once
that popped my top Jean button.

164
00:08:51,948 --> 00:08:55,744
Kosher isn't a sales gimmick,
it's thousands of years of tradition.

165
00:08:55,910 --> 00:08:57,078
We have to respect that.

166
00:08:57,245 --> 00:08:59,956
I don't respect anyone's traditions.
That's my tradition.

167
00:09:00,415 --> 00:09:03,293
Maybe that's because
you didn't grow up around a family.

168
00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:05,462
Hey, I grew up with a lot of families...

169
00:09:05,628 --> 00:09:09,466
The manson family, the Jackson family,
the menendezes.

170
00:09:09,632 --> 00:09:11,760
Wait, is it menendezes or menendi?

171
00:09:11,926 --> 00:09:13,928
Either way,
they were like brothers to me.

172
00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:16,639
Max, we are doing these
straight-up kosher.

173
00:09:16,931 --> 00:09:19,601
Fine. Return those new bowls,
I don't need them.

174
00:09:19,768 --> 00:09:22,228
I can just dump the bacon bits
out of this old one.

175
00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:25,482
Max, please. Let's just
start the cupcakes over, drop them off...

176
00:09:25,648 --> 00:09:28,318
Get me antibiotics, come home,
and put me to bed.

177
00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:29,903
All right. I'll make them kosher.

178
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,112
[Knocking on door]

179
00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:33,615
It's the least you could do
after you lied to that woman...

180
00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:35,422
And let her think you were
one of them.

181
00:09:35,492 --> 00:09:38,161
I don't know who my father is.
I could be half Jewish.

182
00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:40,497
Though, it's more likely
I'm half-bartender...

183
00:09:40,663 --> 00:09:43,374
Who demanded my mom
figure out a way to pay her tab.

184
00:09:46,169 --> 00:09:48,588
Sergiusz and I are on way up
to my apartment.

185
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:50,006
He's making me brunch.

186
00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:53,134
Cornish hens
splashed with my special sauce.

187
00:09:53,301 --> 00:09:58,181
- I love special sauce. I love that. Heh.
- I stopped by because I was hoping...

188
00:09:58,348 --> 00:10:00,809
You girls might have
spare cupcakes for dessert.

189
00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:02,435
Only about 40 of them.

190
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:03,770
- Oh, good.
- Mm. Good.

191
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:07,190
I'll go up and get started.
Sophie, can I have your keys?

192
00:10:07,357 --> 00:10:09,484
- Oh, yeah.
- Cute place.

193
00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:15,657
I have key chain just like this.
We are birds of a feather. I love that.

194
00:10:16,157 --> 00:10:19,661
See, girls, this is what I like
about my new boyfriend.

195
00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:21,830
He loves so many things.

196
00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:25,333
- And vagina ain't one of them.
- Max, we don't know that.

197
00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:27,877
Sexuality is more fluid these days.

198
00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:31,047
It's okay. He's big, big gay.

199
00:10:31,422 --> 00:10:33,716
So you know he's gay?

200
00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:36,219
Oh, know it? I prefer it.

201
00:10:36,427 --> 00:10:38,847
Yeah, my ex-husband
was large male bully.

202
00:10:39,013 --> 00:10:42,475
Yeah, all rough sex
and stains in shorts.

203
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:47,230
Now all I want is a man
who will spoon me and stay soft.

204
00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:49,524
But what about sex?

205
00:10:49,691 --> 00:10:52,402
Oh, no one does me better than me.

206
00:10:52,569 --> 00:10:54,821
[Laughing]

207
00:10:58,241 --> 00:11:00,076
That's the last of them.

208
00:11:00,243 --> 00:11:02,537
Look at us. I think we look very nice.

209
00:11:02,704 --> 00:11:06,875
Really?
I think we look like the Olsen twins.

210
00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:09,586
Well, hello, girls, you look very lovely.

211
00:11:09,752 --> 00:11:11,171
Mazel tov to the family.

212
00:11:11,337 --> 00:11:14,924
What a mitzvah to be part of this day.
How bashert.

213
00:11:15,091 --> 00:11:16,718
Oh, we're still on that ride?

214
00:11:16,885 --> 00:11:20,763
I'm sorry. It's just, I'm so happy to be
in your warm and wonderful home.

215
00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:23,600
I was very close to my neighbors,
the kleins.

216
00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:26,019
In fact, they called me
their honorary Jew.

217
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:30,690
Stop now. This is like when you tell Earl
you're practically black.

218
00:11:32,066 --> 00:11:33,693
We'll just get our money and go.

219
00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:36,196
"Take our money and go"?
What are we, barbarians?

220
00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:38,281
Stay and celebrate a little.

221
00:11:38,448 --> 00:11:41,201
But out here in the kitchen,
away from the men.

222
00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:43,620
Sit, eat, come.

223
00:11:44,078 --> 00:11:46,789
Three of my favorite things to do.

224
00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:50,418
Good looks and funny. What a catch.

225
00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:52,045
Haddassa, hand me a spoon.

226
00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:56,633
All 100 percent kosher
and so gorgeous you could plotz.

227
00:11:56,799 --> 00:11:59,010
This one's seen some Streisand movies,
yes?

228
00:11:59,594 --> 00:12:01,804
Wait until you taste my kugel.

229
00:12:02,013 --> 00:12:03,431
Oh, I love kugel.

230
00:12:03,598 --> 00:12:07,310
Tell me, Esther Rachael,
are you ashkenazi or sephardic Jews?

231
00:12:07,518 --> 00:12:09,729
Someone's been on the Internet.

232
00:12:10,146 --> 00:12:13,149
No way. This is a pasta and a dessert?

233
00:12:13,316 --> 00:12:14,984
Ooh, there he is.

234
00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:17,153
My only son, my little angel...

235
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:20,406
The bar mitzvah boy,
who today becomes a man.

236
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:23,785
Girls, this is shmuley
and his friend from next door, David.

237
00:12:23,952 --> 00:12:26,663
Say hello to the girls
who made the cupcakes, boys.

238
00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:28,581
[In unison] Nice to meet you.

239
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:33,503
Heh. Haddassa, devorah, enough.
Thank you. Go. Enjoy the party.

240
00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:36,923
Have more kugel.
I'll go ask my husband for your money.

241
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:40,260
See? This is what I love, Max.
The family, the traditions...

242
00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:42,845
The lasagne with the crazy raisins.

243
00:12:43,012 --> 00:12:46,140
And those two little boys,
could they have been more precious?

244
00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:50,436
Yo, yo, yo, what up, cupcake bitches?

245
00:12:52,855 --> 00:12:56,609
I'm fixing to marry me a beyotch
who bakes like this, son.

246
00:12:56,776 --> 00:13:00,697
Uh, I don't know what's going on,
but I'm pretty sure boys and girls...

247
00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:02,657
Aren't supposed to be socializing.

248
00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:08,621
Damn, sweetness. Your lips are moving,
but your ass is doing all the talking.

249
00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:13,459
Uh, is that yiddish?

250
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,461
Oh, boys, there you are, come on.

251
00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:17,380
Say goodbye to the cupcake ladies.

252
00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:19,716
[In unison] Nice to meet you.

253
00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:26,556
Did that just happen,
or has my fever suddenly spiked?

254
00:13:26,848 --> 00:13:31,060
That's the first time I ever saw anyone
acting all pimp who still had pimples.

255
00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:33,146
- Shmuley: Yo, yo, yo.
- And they're back.

256
00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:36,816
- What up, shawties?
- What's crackalacking?

257
00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:40,653
- Yo, today, my boy became a mans.
- That's right.

258
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:45,366
- Got my bar mitzvah done, son.
- Preach!

259
00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:49,537
Let's get to it. How much mitzvah money
is it gonna take for you to pop that top...

260
00:13:49,704 --> 00:13:52,415
And serve me up
some super fine taytays?

261
00:13:54,709 --> 00:13:59,088
Heh, dude, there is not enough money
in the... how much are we talking?

262
00:13:59,255 --> 00:14:03,009
- Max.
- Yo, don't get all jealous, vanilla cone.

263
00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:07,013
How about you turn yourself around
and make it pop for daddy?

264
00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:10,016
How would you like it
if I told your mother...

265
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,393
How you boys were in here
disrespecting us?

266
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:15,688
How is you gonna say anything
with your mouth full?

267
00:14:16,647 --> 00:14:18,775
Damn, son.

268
00:14:18,941 --> 00:14:22,362
Esther:
Come in here, ma. This way.

269
00:14:23,946 --> 00:14:26,616
Don't say anything.
Let's get our money and get out of here.

270
00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:29,452
- She should know.
- Wanna ruin their day and not get paid?

271
00:14:29,660 --> 00:14:32,455
Just keep it to yourself for five minutes
and we're gone.

272
00:14:32,622 --> 00:14:34,707
I want you to meet my mother,
hinda fagel.

273
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:38,461
Ma, this is Max
who made the kosher cupcakes.

274
00:14:38,669 --> 00:14:41,714
- And I'm Caroline.
- What did the shiksa say?

275
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,883
She said her name is Caroline.

276
00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:45,551
Who cares what her name is?

277
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:49,597
She looks like the people that stole
my grandmother's good hutch.

278
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:54,811
But look at this one.
It's like looking in a mirror.

279
00:14:57,605 --> 00:15:01,109
- Oi, she's got a fever.
- Oh, Max.

280
00:15:01,275 --> 00:15:04,237
- Oh, honey, you're burning up.
- Oh, no way. I don't get sick.

281
00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:05,613
I get sick.

282
00:15:05,780 --> 00:15:08,324
You're sick.
You'll come, you'll lie down.

283
00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:10,827
I'm fine. We'll just get our money
and head home.

284
00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:13,329
- Nonsense. You'll see my husband.
- The doctor.

285
00:15:13,496 --> 00:15:16,666
Stop, wait, where are you taking her?
I'm the one who gets sick.

286
00:15:16,833 --> 00:15:21,003
- What did she say?
- She says she wants your hutch.

287
00:15:27,301 --> 00:15:30,805
You poor baby.
You have a fever of 102.

288
00:15:30,972 --> 00:15:32,390
Just have to rest, bubala.

289
00:15:32,557 --> 00:15:36,310
I'm really fine.
That towel thing feels awesome.

290
00:15:36,477 --> 00:15:38,896
It's a cold compress.
It'll bring your fever down.

291
00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:41,065
My husband should be in any minute.

292
00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:46,946
I think it's only right to tell you
I don't know a lot about my background.

293
00:15:47,113 --> 00:15:50,408
- So I might not be Jewish.
- Please. Look at you.

294
00:15:50,575 --> 00:15:51,951
You could be my daughter.

295
00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:54,495
I would have liked that.

296
00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:56,664
Always wanted a daughter.

297
00:15:57,123 --> 00:16:00,751
- I always wanted a mother.
- Oh, did your mother die young?

298
00:16:00,918 --> 00:16:02,795
Sadly, no.

299
00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:06,924
Ooh, you need a kiss. Unh!

300
00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:09,969
Oh, good, your soup is ready.

301
00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:12,513
[Speaks in yiddish]

302
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:16,517
- Bissel? I know bissel.
- Of course you do, you're Jewish. Ha, ha.

303
00:16:17,185 --> 00:16:20,188
- Okay, I'm Jewish, what the hell?
- Oh, we don't believe in hell.

304
00:16:20,354 --> 00:16:22,940
We don't? Awesome.

305
00:16:26,277 --> 00:16:27,361
Oh, thanks.

306
00:16:27,528 --> 00:16:29,197
[In English] Call me bubbe.

307
00:16:30,031 --> 00:16:31,449
Thanks, bubbe.

308
00:16:31,616 --> 00:16:33,701
No one's ever blown
on my soup before.

309
00:16:33,910 --> 00:16:35,495
What's wrong with them?

310
00:16:37,121 --> 00:16:38,289
[Beatboxing]

311
00:16:38,456 --> 00:16:42,168
[Singing]
That's my boy, that's my boy, hey, ho.

312
00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:44,212
Oh, there you go. Unh!

313
00:16:45,546 --> 00:16:48,382
That's what's up, hooker.

314
00:16:48,549 --> 00:16:52,386
First of all, you just scuffed his mother's
freshly-waxed floor, and secondly...

315
00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:55,223
You may think throwing away
your traditions is cool...

316
00:16:55,431 --> 00:16:57,308
But in life, bad things can happen.

317
00:16:57,475 --> 00:16:59,560
When you find yourself
penniless and sick...

318
00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:02,355
You'll need your nice family
and you'll call them...

319
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:06,150
And they won't answer the phone no
matter how much you need antibiotics.

320
00:17:06,317 --> 00:17:10,821
Damn, boo, I stopped listening
after you said "freshly-waxed."

321
00:17:12,907 --> 00:17:14,575
Player.

322
00:17:17,537 --> 00:17:21,165
Max, I'm giving you some amoxicillin
for you to take home.

323
00:17:21,332 --> 00:17:24,210
Now, take it all,
even when you start feeling better.

324
00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:26,546
Yes, Dr. Anshell.

325
00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:29,757
Look what I brought.
Sweets for the sweets.

326
00:17:29,924 --> 00:17:31,008
Oh!

327
00:17:31,175 --> 00:17:34,929
Uh, wait, wait, wait, before you eat those,
remember I said I might not be Jewish?

328
00:17:35,096 --> 00:17:37,014
- Yes?
- Those might not be kosher.

329
00:17:37,181 --> 00:17:39,600
- What are you saying?
- They're not kosher.

330
00:17:39,976 --> 00:17:42,395
- What did she say?
- Not kosher!

331
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:45,273
- What?
- Not kosher! Spit it out, ma!

332
00:17:45,481 --> 00:17:47,191
Spit it out!

333
00:17:47,358 --> 00:17:51,612
Just a minute, it tastes so good.

334
00:17:51,862 --> 00:17:52,947
- You like that?
- Stop.

335
00:17:53,114 --> 00:17:55,866
- You like that? You like that?
- Stop it. That's it.

336
00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:59,120
Hit me with one more dead president
and you'll be 6 feet under...

337
00:17:59,287 --> 00:18:02,873
With biggie and Tupac.
You understand me, Jew tang clan?

338
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,793
Skinny bitch came to play.

339
00:18:06,294 --> 00:18:10,423
What kind of girl brings non-kosher
cupcakes into a kosher home?

340
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:12,466
Not me. I'm not that kind of girl.

341
00:18:12,633 --> 00:18:16,304
- Yeah, hi. I think I'm that kind of girl.
- Max, what are you talking about?

342
00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:19,640
I made sure every one of those
was up to a rabbi's high standards.

343
00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:22,768
Yes, well, maybe my rabbi
didn't have such high standards.

344
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:25,605
I'm so sorry. I burned some,
and we were running late...

345
00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:30,109
And I figured four non-kosher
out of 80? So close.

346
00:18:30,276 --> 00:18:33,654
I told you how important all those
traditions are to a Jewish family.

347
00:18:33,821 --> 00:18:35,990
Yes, you told me about tradition
and family...

348
00:18:36,157 --> 00:18:39,660
But none of that meant anything
until I felt that cold compress.

349
00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:43,789
And she was nice enough to put it on
my head and I felt what that feels like.

350
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:47,835
And then bubbe blew on my soup
before she ate the non-kosher cupcake.

351
00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:51,797
Wait.
Bubbe ate a non-kosher cupcake?

352
00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:55,343
- It's a shanda.
- It is a shanda.

353
00:18:55,551 --> 00:18:58,929
I'm hoping shanda means, "you're
forgiven and we'll pay you anyway."

354
00:18:59,096 --> 00:19:03,309
- We are not taking any money.
- That's right, you're not taking anything.

355
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,019
Except for this compress.

356
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,189
Feelbeflen

357
00:19:09,065 --> 00:19:10,650
now, go. Get out of my sight.

358
00:19:10,816 --> 00:19:13,486
- And don't wear short skirts.
- Esther Rachael...

359
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:16,197
I wanna talk to you
about shmuley's behavior today.

360
00:19:16,364 --> 00:19:18,491
What are you talking about?
What did shmuley do?

361
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:21,285
I'll tell you what he did.
He became a man.

362
00:19:21,452 --> 00:19:25,539
- That's all he did. Right, Caroline?
- Heh, I'll say he became a man.

363
00:19:25,706 --> 00:19:27,792
What are you talking about? Shmuley?

364
00:19:27,958 --> 00:19:29,877
Stay out of it. This is not our family.

365
00:19:30,044 --> 00:19:32,213
You and I don't have a family.
They still do.

366
00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:34,382
Let the police tell her about him.

367
00:19:34,548 --> 00:19:37,718
So about my shmuley,
what do you have to say?

368
00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:41,972
Mazel tov.
He's a wonderful, wonderful boy.

369
00:19:43,224 --> 00:19:44,392
Oh, there you are.

370
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:48,020
Shmuley, David,
say goodbye to the cupcake girls.

371
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:50,356
[In unison] Nice to meet you.

372
00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:54,402
Oh, thank you.

373
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:58,197
- So I see no Max. Is she still out sick?
- It's her first night back.

374
00:19:58,364 --> 00:19:59,824
She should be here any minute.

375
00:19:59,990 --> 00:20:02,243
Did you wanna order,
or wait for your boyfriend?

376
00:20:02,410 --> 00:20:06,414
Oh, see, this is sad story.

377
00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:11,836
Uh, he broke off with me
to date other woman.

378
00:20:12,002 --> 00:20:14,755
And she had penis.

379
00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:23,013
Yeah, I can't compete with that.

380
00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:27,727
- Hi, Earl.
- There she is, my long-lost love.

381
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:30,062
- How you feeling, Max?
- I'm pretty good.

382
00:20:31,647 --> 00:20:35,776
Hey, bubbe, I brought you chicken soup
for taking care of me the last couple days.

383
00:20:35,943 --> 00:20:37,611
I enjoyed being your bubbe.

384
00:20:37,778 --> 00:20:41,615
I guess you were wrong, Max.
You and I do have family: Each other.

385
00:20:41,782 --> 00:20:46,412
We're not family until we have to testify
against each other in a manslaughter trial.

386
00:20:48,289 --> 00:20:51,292
Here, eat this.
I don't want you to catch what I just had.

387
00:20:51,459 --> 00:20:53,294
Not gonna happen. I took your advice.

388
00:20:53,461 --> 00:20:55,880
I manned up,
I stared germs in the face.

389
00:20:56,046 --> 00:20:58,799
That's right.
When you got sick, I got balls.

390
00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:00,926
Booya!

391
00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:04,221
Like looking in a mirror.

392
00:21:34,168 --> 00:21:36,170
[English - us - sdh]