Look at that. Dogs in the diner.
Where are we, Paris?
Because if we are, I'm gonna stop wearing deodorant.
Did you guys see that adorable dog?
The one leaking rabies all over the table while people are trying to eat?
He's allowed to be in here. He's her registered emotional companion.
Her registered full-of—crap what?
He's got one of those official vests that says, "don't pet me, I'm working."
I have a shirt that says, "federal bikini inspector"...
But there is simply no such branch of the U.S. government.
Hi. 80, uh, what the hell is this?
Excuse me? I don't understand.
- Dogs aren't allowed in the diner. - Oh, he's legally allowed to be here.
He's my registered emotional companion.
You mean you don't have a boyfriend?
No, I suffer from anxiety.
You mean you don't wanna eat alone?
No, I have a note from a doctor.
You mean you have a printer and the Internet?
Admit it and the dog can stay.
It's really hard meeting guys.
There's a good boy. I'll get you a cookie.
Is it just me, or does han sound kind of sexy...
When he speaks Korean?
Looks like han, sounds like Barry white.
Who was that, han? Do you have a hot new Korean girlfriend?
Someone who likes you and is a $1 .50 for the first minute...
- And $2 for each additional minute? - I was talking to my mother.
So yes?
I was not talking hot. I was apologizing.
She's still angry I left home.
She thinks I am free-wheeling American who takes drugs...
And has intercourse with dirty Kardashian.
Does she know you buy your sweaters at build-a-bear?
Well, I don't know a lot about the Korean culture...
But maybe you should stand up for yourself and stop apologizing.
Yeah, what do you even have to apologize for?
You must have been the easiest birth ever.
She could've coughed you into a catcher's mitt.
- I'm making a cappuccino, want one? - Nope.
I can't have any caffeine, I'm doing a drug trial tomorrow.
Max, not one of those places where they use you...
To test for side effects of new drugs that go on the market?
Or as I like to call it: Getting paid $500 to, uh, roll the side-effects dice...
And hope it lands on hallucinations.
I would never do something like that. I consider my body a temple.
Didn't I see your temple eat a bag of flamin' hot cheetos two nights ago?
And that was a huge mistake. I still have a little burny heinie.
And besides, think of all the people...
Who are lowering their cholesterol safely because of me.
Or people who aren't taking klamitra because of me.
- I never heard of klamitra. - You're welcome.
I know klamitra.
Sexy black woman who teaches my spin class.
Uh, hello. Uh, maybe you can help me. I'm looking for Caroline Channing.
I have a legal matter to discuss with her.
Never heard of her, never seen her.
- Mr. Hutchinson? - Never took an oath.
Oh, my god.
Mr. Hutchinson. I haven't seen you since my father's scandal broke...
And they were dragging you out of your law offices.
Can I hug you? I mean, it's been so long since I've seen anyone from my old life.
But, uh, not too hard.
Uh, ever since the scandal, I've had the acid reflux.
- Didn't you use to be taller? - No.
Prouder.
Oh, uh, Mr. Hutchinson, this is my friend Max.
Max, this is Leo hutchinson, one of my father's attorneys.
Aah. I've never known a lawyer who wasn't court-appointed for me.
Except for the ones on law and order. Have you ever been on that show?
No, I'm a real lawyer.
You look like someone who was on that show.
Are you sure you didn't represent the woman who ate her child?
I've never represented anyone who ate their child.
On law and order.
Caroline...
I'm sorry to drag you into this...
But the prosecutor is asking for you...
To give a deposition regarding your father's case.
Anything I can do to help? I'm pretty courtroom savvy.
I mean, I haven't seen every episode of law and order, just, like, 400 of them.
For instance, the, uh, judge's hammer...
Not called a "hammer."
Reflux. Ugh.
I just... I need to take a rylindia.
Oh, rylindia. Does that work?
You're welcome.
Well, thank you for coming all the way out here.
I'm in good hands with you representing me.
Uh, well, Caroline, as much as I would love...
To help you and your legal associate here, uh...
The firm won't let me do it for free.
I mean, your father's case bankrupted us, practically.
And my standard rate is 1100 an hour.
You know I don't have that kind of money.
Last week, I gave myself a bikini wax with duct tape I stole from the diner.
- I'm gonna need another rylindia. - Max: Oh.
Don't take two of those unless you wanna have an orgasm every time you yawn.
Heh, heh. You're welcome again.
Mr. Hutchinson, I need you to do this.
You can make this go away as easily as possible.
Please don't make me beg. The floor is gross and my skirt's too short.
Counselor, I am going to need to take miss Channing...
And have a sidebar over near the "bar" bar.
How fun is this, by the way? I'm like your lawyer now.
Oh, real fun. About as fun as that bikini wax.
And then I had to spend $14 on neosporin.
Don't worry, I know how you can make $500 in one night.
I've been telling her that since she got here.
Max, I'm not doing a drug trial. Besides, it's not enough money, anyway.
No, but afterl put in my $500, plus, we take a hundred from the cupcake fund...
You would do that for me?
I always thought we'd have to use cupcake money...
To get us out of a legal problem. I thought it'd be for you.
Me too.
Welcome aboard, drug buddy.
I can't believe I'm doing a drug trial.
I won't even use stevia.
It'll be fun. Just think of it as a middle school sleepover.
But with drugs.
Yeah, a middle school sleepover.
So when you did this before, you never got any side effects, right?
Well, no negative ones. I used to be an a-cup.
Caroline: Wow. Everybody looks so normal.
This is more like sorority row than skid row.
Hi, I'm Katie.
There's three to a room and I was wondering if you have chosen a roomie?
Wait, there's three in a room?
Yeah, I know, you wanna be careful who you get.
Anyways, I'm a self-mutilator...
And I was wondering if you could keep an eye on me.
Just wrestle anything out of my hands that's sharp.
Uh, you know what, Katie? We are self-mutilators too.
So, uh, we kind of have our hands full.
Yeah, we're gonna be super busy self-mutilating ourselves.
No worries.
Max, you should've told me about the bed situation.
Untested experimental drugs is one thing...
But three to a room, that's barbaric.
It'll be fine. We just have to pick the right girl.
What about, uh, the one in the raincoat?
She looks stuck-up, like she'd talk about herself all night.
Yeah, we already got one of those.
What about, uh...?
What about Bob Marley shirt?
She looks like she smells.
Confirmed.
Right there. That's who we want.
She looks smart and like she'd mind her own business.
Hey. What are you up to?
Nothing, just minding my own business.
Hey, wanna be our roommate?
I just said yes to a self-mutilator, but I can get out of it.
She probably loves rejection.
All right, ladies, listen up.
- Hey, Max. - Hi, Toby.
Heads-up. Me, her and, uh... Excuse me, what's your name?
It's cool. We don't have to do, like, the name thing.
Pfft. Girl after my own heart. We're roommates.
Got it. Now, since most of you have done this before, I'll make it quick.
Half of you will get a placebo.
The other half will be testing a new drug called gladiva.
And no, that's not my stage name down at the clubs.
Okay, possible side effects may occur over the next 24 to 48 hours.
They are, drum roll, please...
Headaches, vomiting, flatulence, tongue-swelling, suicidal thoughts.
I'm having some right now.
- Itw. - Inability to walk.
Mm. I hope we get that. That's the only thing that's gonna keep me here.
- And ru. - Relentless urination.
Fatigue, seizures, camel toe.
I'm kidding. That's myjoke.
- That's his joke. - Good, because I was out the door.
- Also tg, eb, ccs. - You want me to explain those to you?
Not until you see one happening to me.
Anal leakage.
The grande dame of side effects.
Well, bottoms up.
Max, don't say that after "anal leakage."
See, this is fun. Getting paid to eat cookies and play the game of life.
- Your turn. - What's the point?
Clearly I've already lost...
Because I'm sitting in a drug trial waiting for my a to I.
Well, if your a does start to I, you're on the bottom bunk.
I gotta pee.
What?
Hmm, probably nothing, but she might be experiencing ru.
- What's that again? - Relentless urination.
She just said she had to pee.
Yeah, that's relentless.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
Ru sure?
Okay, your turn to spin.
No more games. I wanna be prepared for this deposition.
Can you read me the questions Mr. Hutchinson sent?
- "State your full name." - Caroline wesbox Channing.
Your middle name is wesbox?
- It was my grandfather's name. - It also might be a side effect.
"I just slept with a dude who gave me wesbox."
Max, can you just ask me the next question?
"Do you have any knowledge of investor capital...
From the Channing investment group being transferred to banks?"
I had no knowledge of it.
- You're boring. - I'm boring?
I'm just saying, I'd change the channel. This is a bad one.
Max, it's not law and order.
Pfft. I'll say it isn't.
Well, you've gotta give them something.
Open your shirt, hike up your skirt, show them your wesbox.
"Did you know anything about your father illegally siphoning funds?"
- No. - "Have you ever had any conversations...
With your father regarding said transactions?"
- No. - "Is your ass leaking right now?"
How we doing, ladies? Any side effects?
Max. Are you awake?
Max?
Quiet, you're gonna wake up pissy spacek.
I can't sleep. My heart keeps racing.
You should tell Toby. It's probably a side effect.
No, I'm nervous. I can't stop thinking about the deposition and my father.
Can I come down and talk?
Not a great time. I kind of have people over.
Get in here. What's wrong?
I'm scared about tomorrow.
I'm scared I'm gonna say the wrong thing and make things worse.
Look, answer the questions as carefully as they suggested...
And then throw in a wink, forget to wear panties, he'll be fine.
That's the thing. The questions don't say anything about my father.
They're so cut-and-dry.
They're only asking me about things I know nothing about.
They're not interested in the things I do know.
That he's warm and funny and generous and loving.
Like when he and I would take our plane to our chalet in deer valley...
Stop. You might as well rephrase that to:
"When he and I would take our guilty to our guilty in guilty valley."
Every morning, before we went skiing, he would get up really early...
And make me snowflake cinnamon French toast.
That sounds amazing.
And as he dusted the cinnamon and sugar on top, he'd say:
"Look, sweetheart, it's snowing. Snowing just for you."
And then he'd cut it into these little pieces...
See, I can't even get the words out. No one will ever hear them.
- No one will know. - I'll know. I heard them.
Another round?
Yeah, I'm just gonna bring my pillow in there.
Don't think gladiva's gonna make it to the market.
We'll be doing the deposition in here.
Oh, wow, this is exactly how it looks on law and order. Ooh, ooh.
The tiny typewriter where the actress who never gets to speak sits.
Leo, Leo. Take my picture near the tiny typewriter.
Ladies, ladies, we only have an hour.
We're already behind because you were late so...
We had to stop at the check-cashing place.
Yeah, and then a store to get diapers for a friend.
There. One thousand dollars.
No fuss and, luckily, no muss.
- Max, do you have the hundred? - Yeah.
Uh, 40, 60, 80, 90, five, six, seven.
One hundred.
Mr. Hutchinson, are you having reflux?
No, it just became clear to me what I do for a living.
Okay, uh, Caroline if you're ready, I can bring them in.
Remember, just stick to the questions and don't embellish.
I prepped her last night, Leo.
All right, let's go, Max.
Actually, I want her to stay. I'm nervous and she makes me feel better.
Yes, I'm her registered emotional companion.
Well, this is a legal proceeding and that's a highly unusual request.
- But not improbable. We googled it. - She's allowed to have...
An emotional companion as long as both attorneys agree.
Well, I graduated top of my class at Harvard...
But since you googled it, I'll try to make that happen.
No. I am unaware of any of the transactions you just mentioned.
Thank you, miss Channing.
If you'll bear with me a little while longer...
I have a couple more pertinent questions.
Your voice is unbelievable.
You could be on law and order.
Max. Ugh.
Miss Channing, do you have any knowledge...
Of embezzlement taking place at the Channing investment group?
No. I had no knowledge of any such interactions. Heh.
Could you repeat that?
You're having a side effect. Tongue-swelling. Ts.
All right, counselor, give us one second. What is going on?
We took drugs.
Did she just say, "we took drugs"?
Very good, Leo. You must play charades.
Look, we did a drug trial to get money for this.
What's the holdup, counselor?
Just give her water, I had this once. It goes away in an hour.
You said you never had any side effects.
Oh, please. I died once. I just didn't wanna scare you.
Miss Channing, are you aware of any accounts opened...
Under any names other than your father's?
- Just drink the water. - One sec.
Max: Does anyone have a napkin or a bib?
Eleven-hundred dollars, you gotta have a bib around somewhere.
All right, what's going on here?
Uh, I was just, uh, informed my client was part of a drug test within the last 24 hours.
Drug test, Leo?
That's a good one.
Just another rich girl on drugs.
Get her into rehab and we'll have to reschedule.
- We'll have to do this another time. - No, no, no.
No, no. She's right. We don't have the money to do this another time.
Look, I can tell you right now she does not know anything.
She doesn't know about the money, the transactions.
She doesn't know anything about anything.
We are paid up for three more minutes and we are gonna use them.
She can't talk, but I know what she would wanna say.
Ladies and gentlemen of the room...
She would want you to know who her father really is.
He used to make her snow toast.
And in her words, he was funny, smart and a generous lover.
- Generous and loving. - Oh, sorry, yes, yes.
Generous and loving.
Now, I don't know her father and I have never met him...
And I'd like you to put that on record, actress who's never allowed to talk...
But I do know her, and she's an amazing person.
And her father raised her alone, so he must be an amazing person too.
Well...
That accomplished nothing.
Counselor, what do we do here?
We take a short recess till she can speak...
And resume the deposition, on me.
Because her father is an amazing guy.
And...
That's what they would do on law and order.
Fine. We'll break for an hour.
Seriously, you sound like a superhero's boss.
Max, you're the best.
I know. I did pretty good, right?
I should have gone to law school.
Or high school.
Permission to enter the judge's chambers?
Permission granted.
Excuse the tubs of blue cheese.
They're being held as evidence in the case against eating here.
I wanted to thank you for everything you did.
I know you were gonna buy yourself a treat with the money...
Yeah, like drugs.
So I got you a little something.
It's the complete law and order box set.
No way.
That's not a little something, that's like $500.
Or 30 on the subway.
And the guy said most of them are in English.
Awesome.
Freezer adjourned.