1
00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:04,630
Max, do you have any gum?

2
00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:07,841
My breath tastes like
someone else's breath.

3
00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,093
Asking me if I have any gum?

4
00:00:10,302 --> 00:00:13,347
That's like asking New Jersey
if it has any sluts.

5
00:00:14,181 --> 00:00:16,350
Great. There were onions
in my street meat.

6
00:00:16,558 --> 00:00:18,977
Listen to me,
"onions in my street meat."

7
00:00:19,186 --> 00:00:21,647
Last year I was taking meetings
on wall street.

8
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:26,235
This year I'm eating meat
from the street by a wall.

9
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:30,197
Let's see. Phone, chapstick.

10
00:00:30,739 --> 00:00:33,700
A pill.
Could be birth control, could be ecstasy.

11
00:00:33,909 --> 00:00:36,745
Waiting for a day off to find out.

12
00:00:36,954 --> 00:00:38,872
Why wait?

13
00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:44,878
If I start touching your hair in an hour,
don't let me have sex with anyone.

14
00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:52,386
Max, what's this? It's addressed to
Max's homemade cupcakes.

15
00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:56,181
I thought that was just the thing
I wrote the new pizza place info on.

16
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:59,518
It's a $200 check
from that office party we did.

17
00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:01,770
Max's homemade cupcakes in type!

18
00:01:01,979 --> 00:01:04,731
No way!
I've never been typed out before.

19
00:01:04,940 --> 00:01:07,901
I've been "cash," I've been
"sweaty 20s pushed into my palm"...

20
00:01:08,110 --> 00:01:10,362
But I've never been typed!

21
00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:12,573
We's all grown up! We's legit!

22
00:01:13,991 --> 00:01:19,037
Listen up, diner. I just hit the big time.
No more serving up slop to you lowlifes!

23
00:01:19,246 --> 00:01:23,208
So everybody can suck it.
My waitress days are over.

24
00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:25,377
- Can I get some more coffee?
- Sure.

25
00:01:39,975 --> 00:01:41,893
Earl, what are you doing?

26
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:44,646
Employees are not allowed
to drink diner liquor.

27
00:01:44,855 --> 00:01:48,859
Now, hold up, han. It's April 16th.
Do you know what day tomorrow is?

28
00:01:49,067 --> 00:01:53,280
Oh, of course.
Happy Martin Luther King day.

29
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:57,075
- Enjoy a drink on me.
- It's not Martin Luther King day.

30
00:01:57,284 --> 00:02:00,579
Black people are allowed to be excited
about other days too, you know.

31
00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:04,625
Is there a new Tyler Perry
movie coming out?

32
00:02:06,877 --> 00:02:11,298
No, Kim jong il, it's tax day.

33
00:02:11,506 --> 00:02:14,343
And I always treat myself to a Brandy
while I do my taxes...

34
00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:17,429
Because I need to be drunk
when I see that refund amount.

35
00:02:19,598 --> 00:02:22,351
Chicken breast, side of hot sauce.

36
00:02:22,559 --> 00:02:24,978
Breast? Hot sauce?
Come on, it's right there.

37
00:02:25,187 --> 00:02:27,814
Max, now that I have big love
for Sophie...

38
00:02:28,023 --> 00:02:31,568
I no longer say inappropriate
sexual things to other women.

39
00:02:31,777 --> 00:02:35,030
I save all my hot sauce for her breasts.

40
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,325
Love has made you a real old lady.

41
00:02:39,534 --> 00:02:41,161
Here you go, Brandy man. Enjoy.

42
00:02:41,370 --> 00:02:44,206
Got a stamp? I want to drop this
in the mail on my way home.

43
00:02:44,414 --> 00:02:48,085
- I have one in my purse. I'll get it.
- Max, he wants to file this year.

44
00:02:48,293 --> 00:02:51,963
He doesn't have time for the search party
to go into your purse and return.

45
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:54,216
It's a purse.
It's supposed to be messy.

46
00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:56,051
No, it's supposed to be a purse...

47
00:02:56,259 --> 00:03:00,889
Not a retirement home for a pair
of panties stuck to old life savers.

48
00:03:01,598 --> 00:03:04,309
I'm kind of off my meal now.

49
00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:11,149
I have a stamp right here, Earl.
There, see? Order versus chaos.

50
00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:18,240
Also known as ocd versus
"oh, here's a cd I forgot I had."

51
00:03:18,990 --> 00:03:21,618
Would you prefer a flower, flag,
or a love stamp?

52
00:03:21,827 --> 00:03:25,539
I don't care which. I want to get these
taxes in the mail before the deadline.

53
00:03:25,747 --> 00:03:28,291
- Earl, you do your own taxes?
- I surely do.

54
00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:31,378
Proud to say I haven't missed a year
since 1950...

55
00:03:31,586 --> 00:03:35,507
When I had my first job
as frank Sinatra's ball boy.

56
00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:38,093
Ball boy?
Was he a good tennis player?

57
00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:43,181
No, darling, he didn't play tennis.
The job was washing his balls.

58
00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:48,019
And that was good work
for those times.

59
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:51,231
Do you mind if! Look
to see if I can increase your return?

60
00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:54,609
Do you, wharton. Do you.

61
00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:58,071
At first glance, I see you shortchanged
yourself on some deductions.

62
00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:01,575
There's 500 right there. Sign this now
and I'll save you what I can...

63
00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:03,744
And then drop it in the mail
tomorrow.

64
00:04:03,952 --> 00:04:09,207
Max, look at this. Blond ambition here
has just saved me $500.

65
00:04:09,624 --> 00:04:12,461
- Really? That's pretty cool.
- Oh, there's another 100.

66
00:04:12,669 --> 00:04:13,754
No way. That's awesome.

67
00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:16,047
Ding, ding, ding.
It's like I'm winning the slots...

68
00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:20,427
Without being surrounded by
those pissed-off ladies with emphysema.

69
00:04:22,137 --> 00:04:24,556
How'd you not know
there was a check in your purse?

70
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,099
It just got mixed in.

71
00:04:26,308 --> 00:04:29,144
Who still sends important stuff
through the mail these days?

72
00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:30,937
What are we, pioneers?

73
00:04:31,146 --> 00:04:34,941
No, we're businesswomen and we need
to keep track of every penny.

74
00:04:35,150 --> 00:04:37,235
Should we frame it
and hang it on the wall?

75
00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:40,947
That way, when we're two billionaire
bitches who hate each other's guts...

76
00:04:41,156 --> 00:04:43,408
We can look at the check
and remember.

77
00:04:44,034 --> 00:04:47,537
- Max, I'll never hate your guts.
- You don't know. Business pressure.

78
00:04:47,746 --> 00:04:49,498
Caught me sleeping with
your husband.

79
00:04:49,706 --> 00:04:52,000
Anger about your bad face-lift.

80
00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:54,503
Oh, honey, I will never have
a bad face-lift.

81
00:04:54,711 --> 00:04:57,547
I've been collecting names
of good doctors since I was 11...

82
00:04:57,756 --> 00:05:02,761
And I was terrified by my piano teacher
whose nose was suddenly here.

83
00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:05,472
That's pretty cool of you
to do Earl's taxes for him.

84
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,892
I'm happy to. After all,
finance is my field of expertise.

85
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:12,062
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
You know all that stuff.

86
00:05:12,270 --> 00:05:14,606
Helpful hints and whatnot.

87
00:05:15,398 --> 00:05:17,067
Cripes, what more do I have to do?

88
00:05:17,275 --> 00:05:20,487
Rouge my boobs and stand in
a storefront window in Amsterdam?

89
00:05:20,695 --> 00:05:22,572
You gonna help me
with my taxes or not?

90
00:05:22,781 --> 00:05:25,617
Max, I don't know if it's a good idea.
I've seen your purse.

91
00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:27,619
I can only imagine your taxes.

92
00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:30,413
Can you let go of the purse?
It's just a messy bag.

93
00:05:30,622 --> 00:05:33,500
It's not like I lost your child
in the outback.

94
00:05:33,708 --> 00:05:36,002
It's symptomatic.
Here, look at my purse.

95
00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:40,131
You know what? Never mind.
It's too late for a purse smack-down.

96
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:45,220
For the record, even if you win now,
my purse will kick your purse's ass later.

97
00:05:45,428 --> 00:05:49,266
After it's spent two weeks
learning your purse's schedule.

98
00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:52,519
Organized, clean, perfect. Look.

99
00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:55,814
Just look at it.
Look at it, Max, it won't bite.

100
00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:59,025
Who are you?
My mother's third boyfriend?

101
00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:04,322
And truthfully, before I saw that check,
I wasn't even going to file.

102
00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:08,535
But now that our business is getting real,
I should get real about my finances.

103
00:06:08,743 --> 00:06:10,871
I mean, when we are
two billionaire bitches...

104
00:06:11,079 --> 00:06:14,791
I don't want the government to swoop in
and Wesley snipe us for back taxes.

105
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,168
Okay, great. We'll do it tomorrow.

106
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,921
And I promise,
no more purse slams, starting now.

107
00:06:20,130 --> 00:06:21,172
[Knock on door]

108
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:22,549
Who's that?

109
00:06:22,757 --> 00:06:27,304
CNN. They found a 34th
Chilean miner in your purse.

110
00:06:27,971 --> 00:06:31,558
Okay, okay, starting now.

111
00:06:31,766 --> 00:06:33,018
Who is it?

112
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:35,604
Sophie: Kim Kardashian.

113
00:06:37,063 --> 00:06:40,442
[Laughing]
No, I'm not Kim Kardashian.

114
00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:43,570
No, I work for a living.

115
00:06:49,951 --> 00:06:52,495
Hey, Sophie. You come down
for your cupcake nightcap?

116
00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:53,914
Yeah, thank you, Max.

117
00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:57,751
But tonight I'm going to take two,
because I'm getting ready to date...

118
00:06:57,959 --> 00:07:00,879
And I want to get back
to my fighting weight.

119
00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:03,590
What do you mean,
you're getting ready to date again?

120
00:07:03,798 --> 00:07:07,844
Oh, well, there are some really cute
new guys down at the Polish club and...

121
00:07:08,053 --> 00:07:09,804
Oh, my gosh. Uh, one in particular...

122
00:07:10,013 --> 00:07:14,601
Is like a cross between, uh, vin diesel
and Viggo mortensen.

123
00:07:14,809 --> 00:07:20,273
Yeah, so rich and handsome,
you almost don't notice the wheelchair.

124
00:07:20,482 --> 00:07:23,944
Hard to resist a man in New York
who's got his own ride.

125
00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:27,614
- _|'m sorry, I don't mean to pry...
- Oh, then don't.

126
00:07:28,239 --> 00:07:32,994
It's just, what about you and Oleg?
He thinks you two are a couple.

127
00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:38,416
A couple? No, this is crazy talk.

128
00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:42,462
I mean, yes, we've had some hot,
dirty sex in a few kitchens and toilets...

129
00:07:42,671 --> 00:07:45,757
And on the floor of a sandwich shop
in the subway.

130
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:49,135
Plus twice we did it like dogs
on the hallway stairs...

131
00:07:49,344 --> 00:07:52,764
And on every smooth surface
in my apartment, but, I mean, come on.

132
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:55,934
I mean, that's it. I'm a lady.

133
00:07:56,935 --> 00:07:59,270
Sophie, I can't believe
I'm about to say this...

134
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:03,441
But for Oleg, it's not just about sex.
He feels things for you.

135
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:06,861
I know for a fact he's buying you
a special gift. Tell her, Max.

136
00:08:07,070 --> 00:08:09,698
Well, he mentioned something
about a fur and tonight...

137
00:08:09,906 --> 00:08:12,784
When he was talking about you,
he did use the word "love."

138
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:19,082
"Love"? Oh, come on,
don't ruin my cupcake buzz.

139
00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:22,043
I mean, this man has no future.

140
00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:26,256
Yes, he does have a giant penis,
but no future.

141
00:08:26,464 --> 00:08:28,299
I mean, I worked hard
to get where I am.

142
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:31,177
I need a man who has a dream
and a drive.

143
00:08:31,386 --> 00:08:36,391
And I can buy a big,
giant penis online for $47.

144
00:08:36,599 --> 00:08:40,186
Really? "Add to cart."

145
00:08:40,395 --> 00:08:43,398
You have to tell him you're
not interested in going any further.

146
00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:46,359
Oh, all right. Don't worry, I will.

147
00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:50,280
Yeah. I mean, I need this man in my life
like I need breast implants.

148
00:08:50,488 --> 00:08:53,616
Which is, like, not at all. Right?

149
00:08:57,412 --> 00:08:59,789
Here's another w-2, h&r blond.

150
00:09:00,582 --> 00:09:02,208
Thank you.

151
00:09:02,417 --> 00:09:05,378
Max, you worked at a Mexican restaurant
in long island city?

152
00:09:05,587 --> 00:09:08,840
[In hispanic accent]
Oh, my god, don't be so judgmental.

153
00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:10,209
[In normal voice] Mira, look.

154
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:12,886
I just found a receipt for shoe insoles
and double-stick tape.

155
00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:16,306
- Work expense.
- Again, senorita, not a write-off.

156
00:09:16,514 --> 00:09:19,184
Like when you asked
if you could claim your pot dealer...

157
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:22,562
- As an entertainment expense.
- So I was wrong.

158
00:09:22,771 --> 00:09:25,732
We've all got our talents.
You're great at doing papennork...

159
00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:29,402
And I'm great at baking and finding
places to have sex at carnivals.

160
00:09:29,611 --> 00:09:33,364
Just add that to the pile I'm calling
"evidence for your future audit."

161
00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:36,034
Not there. That's Earl's tax return.

162
00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:38,620
Can I see a copy
of what you filed last year?

163
00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:42,874
Uh, I didn't file last year.
Or the year before or any year ever.

164
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:47,378
- Wait. You've never paid your taxes?
- No, I've never filed my taxes.

165
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:49,923
I pay taxes. I see it on my check.

166
00:09:50,131 --> 00:09:53,259
Eight dollars to the state,
15 in federal income.

167
00:09:53,468 --> 00:09:56,930
Six twenty-three to fica,
whoever that lucky bitch is.

168
00:09:57,138 --> 00:09:59,891
Max, why didn't you tell me
the severity of this last night?

169
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:03,478
Um, maybe you haven't noticed,
but I have issues around money.

170
00:10:03,686 --> 00:10:05,355
Every year I say I'm going to file.

171
00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:09,109
And then I put it off and put it off
until the day it's due, like today.

172
00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:11,569
And then I sit down with the 1040
and my w-2s...

173
00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:14,114
And right around the fourth question,
I'm like:

174
00:10:14,322 --> 00:10:17,367
"Screw it. I'm gonna watch old
soul train clips on YouTube."

175
00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:20,245
And then I feel like a loser
until tax day is over.

176
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:24,332
And then I'm like, "who cares?
I'm awesome. I'll do them next year."

177
00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:28,753
So, what you're telling me is your
finances are as messy as your purse.

178
00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:32,799
Careful now.
Starting to get a little hot up in here.

179
00:10:33,007 --> 00:10:35,885
Fine, I don't care.
I just want you to get your taxes done.

180
00:10:36,094 --> 00:10:39,639
Now throw away all of your
useless garbage into this trash can.

181
00:10:39,848 --> 00:10:43,810
You know what, I'm just gonna go
to that pop-up tax place near the diner.

182
00:10:44,018 --> 00:10:47,897
And I'll throw my useless garbage
in the dumpster on the way out.

183
00:10:48,106 --> 00:10:51,317
Wait, you're gonna spend like $100
to have someone do your taxes...

184
00:10:51,526 --> 00:10:54,863
- When I'm sitting right here?
- The amount of money I'll spend there...

185
00:10:55,071 --> 00:10:56,990
Is nothing compared
to the amount of money...

186
00:10:57,198 --> 00:10:59,701
I'd have to spend on weed
to survive doing taxes with you.

187
00:10:59,909 --> 00:11:01,828
[Knock on door]

188
00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:04,414
- Good afternoon, girls.
- Hello.

189
00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:08,376
I hope Sophie and I's wild lovemaking
didn't keep you up all night.

190
00:11:09,711 --> 00:11:13,506
We wanted to come down and show you
the gift I just gave Sophie.

191
00:11:13,715 --> 00:11:19,053
Yeah, look, girls.
Look at my gift. It's got a leg.

192
00:11:20,138 --> 00:11:22,515
Wow, I didn't think you two
were the couple type.

193
00:11:22,724 --> 00:11:25,685
We are going into Manhattan
for fruit cocktail and champagne.

194
00:11:25,894 --> 00:11:27,562
- Want to join?
- Hell, yeah.

195
00:11:27,770 --> 00:11:29,856
No, Max, you're doing your taxes.

196
00:11:30,064 --> 00:11:32,859
Oh, my mother says I can't come out.
Have fun.

197
00:11:36,404 --> 00:11:38,656
This means nothing.

198
00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:44,370
I can't believe you're putting
your financial future...

199
00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:48,166
Into the hands of a hipster tax place
called the tax of life.

200
00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:51,878
You know how the old proverb goes:
"You take the good, you take the bad...

201
00:11:52,086 --> 00:11:55,715
You take what's left,
and there you have the tax of life."

202
00:11:57,258 --> 00:11:59,594
Forty-three. Number 43.

203
00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:03,556
If you need any help,
I am acquainted with your finances.

204
00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:06,643
And I am acquainted with your attitude.
Don't say a word.

205
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:09,896
- I'm 43.
- What's up, 43?

206
00:12:10,104 --> 00:12:12,774
I'm Kyle. I'm your tax bro.

207
00:12:12,982 --> 00:12:16,194
Hi, I'm Max,
and this is my mute friend, Caroline.

208
00:12:16,402 --> 00:12:18,363
I already started to fill out the 1040...

209
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:21,491
And I have my w-2s from this year,
also some receipts.

210
00:12:21,699 --> 00:12:24,410
Well, let's get started.

211
00:12:24,619 --> 00:12:26,704
Do you have
a health savings account?

212
00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:29,916
- Definitely not.
- Oh, well, we can fudge that.

213
00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:33,544
- I'll put you down for 500.
- Sounds good.

214
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:37,340
"Fudge that"? Fudge? I wasn't aware
there was fudging in finance.

215
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:40,134
Domestic production activities?

216
00:12:40,343 --> 00:12:43,805
- Like condoms and stuff?
- I guess.

217
00:12:44,013 --> 00:12:47,642
Talk about adjusted gross income,
am I right? Am I right?

218
00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:48,893
[Max & Kyle laughing]

219
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:52,397
- Kyle, put me down for 250.
- Caroline: Two-fifty.

220
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:55,525
Should I just put the cheese plate out
for the IRS now?

221
00:12:55,733 --> 00:12:58,027
What about residential energy credits?

222
00:12:58,236 --> 00:13:00,280
Uh, bought some of
those curly iightbulbs once.

223
00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:03,366
Oh, that's another 150 easily, heh.

224
00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:07,537
Sorry, Max, I can't stop myself.
Money, finances? This is my thing.

225
00:13:07,745 --> 00:13:11,124
If we were at a copper-plated
jewelry sale, I'd let you take the wheel.

226
00:13:11,332 --> 00:13:14,460
I can't sit back and watch you
risk our financial future.

227
00:13:14,669 --> 00:13:17,463
You'll be dragging me into this
with you and your tax bro.

228
00:13:17,672 --> 00:13:18,965
Excuse me, tax bro.

229
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:22,552
Oh, my god. You want to claim
a residential energy credit?

230
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:26,180
You don't even have
a 5695 up here.

231
00:13:26,389 --> 00:13:30,601
Hey, your mute friend's all over this. Heh.

232
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:34,063
You should let her do your taxes.
She's way better.

233
00:13:34,272 --> 00:13:36,149
That's cool, Kyle.
I'm not gonna do this.

234
00:13:36,357 --> 00:13:39,319
One more year won't kill me.
I'll just spend this money on pot.

235
00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:42,572
That's an entertainment expense,
bt Dubbs.

236
00:13:44,699 --> 00:13:46,826
Max, don't give up yet. Let me help.

237
00:13:47,035 --> 00:13:48,661
It's already 9. We ran out of time.

238
00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:52,999
Take a form and file an extension.
The post office is open till midnight.

239
00:13:53,207 --> 00:13:56,336
Max, you know you want to change
your finances. It's a step.

240
00:13:56,544 --> 00:13:59,589
- You're right. Good idea.
- Extension forms at the post office.

241
00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:02,842
We can pick one up
when I drop off Earl's return.

242
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:06,596
- Max: What?
- It's not here. It's not in my purse.

243
00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:08,765
Last time I saw it
was on the coffee table...

244
00:14:08,973 --> 00:14:11,601
Before you came in with your tax stuff.
It must be still there.

245
00:14:11,809 --> 00:14:14,520
Uh, no, you made me
throw all that stuff out.

246
00:14:14,729 --> 00:14:17,482
You threw out a 75-year-old man's
tax return?

247
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:20,526
- You threw some papers out too.
- This is so not like me.

248
00:14:20,735 --> 00:14:24,072
The only thing
I've ever lost is my virginity.

249
00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:27,658
- What are we gonna do?
- No, it's okay, relax. No big deal.

250
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:30,328
Just have to go home
and climb through the dumpster.

251
00:14:30,536 --> 00:14:33,331
No, seriously, what are we gonna do?

252
00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:35,750
-Ready?

253
00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:38,336
Seriously, what are we gonna do?

254
00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:46,177
Well, let's get to it.
My garbage ain't gonna find itself.

255
00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:47,595
Max, I can't.

256
00:14:47,804 --> 00:14:51,474
If I go in there,
I will literally be white trash.

257
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,728
You're the one who had to butt in
and get all wharton with Earl.

258
00:14:55,937 --> 00:14:59,482
If you had left him alone, it would be
at the post office, safe and sound.

259
00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:02,193
Fine, but to be clear,
if we find a baby in there...

260
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,362
You're raising it on your own.

261
00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:07,573
It's already off to a better start
than I had. There's food everywhere.

262
00:15:07,782 --> 00:15:10,368
[Truck beeping]

263
00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:12,995
Oh, hell no! It's Tuesday.
Trash pickup.

264
00:15:13,204 --> 00:15:16,499
Better get in and out or we'll be
on a garbage barge to coney island.

265
00:15:16,707 --> 00:15:22,713
- Come on, I'll give you ten fingers.
- My shoes. My dignity. My shoes.

266
00:15:23,631 --> 00:15:26,551
My hands are touching a dumpster.

267
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:29,387
On the count of three,
I'll push, you hoist yourself up.

268
00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:31,431
Pull yourself up or you won't make it.

269
00:15:31,639 --> 00:15:34,142
It's hell. I'm looking into hell.

270
00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:37,603
One, two, three.

271
00:15:37,895 --> 00:15:39,564
[Caroline shrieks]

272
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:47,780
I wanted to scream,
but it wouldn't come out.

273
00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:50,783
- Okay, well, good luck. See you.
- Max!

274
00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:54,662
I'm kidding. I'm coming around the back.
I found a place to get a leg up.

275
00:15:54,871 --> 00:15:57,915
Now? You just saw that now?

276
00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:00,918
[Caroline screams]

277
00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:03,212
Why'd you scream?
You knew it was me.

278
00:16:03,421 --> 00:16:06,591
That's the one
I couldn't get out before.

279
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:09,093
Oh, god, look at this mess.

280
00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:13,681
It's like looking for a dirty needle
in a haystack, which I've done.

281
00:16:13,890 --> 00:16:16,976
Okay. Start poking around.
Look for familiar garbage.

282
00:16:17,185 --> 00:16:22,940
"Familiar garbage"?
I hate it in here. I want to die.

283
00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:26,444
It's not that bad. My mom and I
once spent five hours in a dumpster...

284
00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:29,614
Looking for proof that her boyfriend
was cheating on her...

285
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:33,201
And all we found was a scratch-off
worth $1.50 and a beach towel.

286
00:16:33,409 --> 00:16:36,996
And then we used that $1.50
to take the towel to the laundromat.

287
00:16:37,205 --> 00:16:39,707
Twelve years later,
you and I use that very towel...

288
00:16:39,916 --> 00:16:43,294
To dry ourselves off after a shower.

289
00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:47,715
Well, I'm standing on a stranger's
cold sesame noodles...

290
00:16:47,924 --> 00:16:51,344
With egg shells stuck to my ankles.
You win, Max.

291
00:16:51,552 --> 00:16:53,304
What does that have to do with me?

292
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:57,517
It means I'm officially standing
in your purse.

293
00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:02,980
How about more real garbage,
less Caroline garbage?

294
00:17:03,189 --> 00:17:06,859
- Caroline garbage?
- You've been dumping on me all day.

295
00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:08,486
Me? What have I done?

296
00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:12,156
[Mimicking Caroline]
"Max, you didn't file ever?"

297
00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:15,993
I didn't say it like that.
And you didn't file ever.

298
00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:19,121
- Is that my fault?
- Yes! This is all your fault.

299
00:17:19,330 --> 00:17:21,874
Before I met you,
I didn't even think about a future.

300
00:17:22,083 --> 00:17:25,253
Now I have a future
and I'm standing in a dumpster.

301
00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:28,673
You are not the only one
standing in a dumpster.

302
00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:31,175
And get a new purse.

303
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:34,262
If you had been able
to find a stupid stamp in that thing...

304
00:17:34,470 --> 00:17:36,556
I would've never even seen
Earl's taxes...

305
00:17:36,764 --> 00:17:38,891
And I wouldn't be standing
in a dumpster.

306
00:17:50,278 --> 00:17:53,531
Max, no, no, no!
I will never, ever recover from that.

307
00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:56,200
Red bulls? Red bulls?
Are those our red bulls?

308
00:17:56,409 --> 00:18:00,913
Where? Yes, yes! That's my garbage!
That's my garbage! Get over here!

309
00:18:01,122 --> 00:18:04,375
If we find it, we'll have time
to shower and get to the post office.

310
00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:08,212
Both:
Earl's taxes! Earl's taxes! Aah!

311
00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:10,089
Lorraine: Next.

312
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:12,383
- Next.
- Caroline: This is unbelievable.

313
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:15,052
Everyone trying to get
their taxes filed by midnight.

314
00:18:15,261 --> 00:18:17,722
Wow, I haven't seen this much
last-minute licking...

315
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:21,392
Since the cops raided
that Thai massage parlor.

316
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,936
I'll grab an extension form,
you get in line.

317
00:18:24,145 --> 00:18:25,855
Mother:
The line is longer than I expected.

318
00:18:26,063 --> 00:18:29,567
No, we have to file. She's nursing.

319
00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:31,569
Don't worry, we're fine.

320
00:18:31,777 --> 00:18:33,237
I'm a bum.

321
00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:36,949
She's got a baby hanging off her nipple
and her taxes are done.

322
00:18:37,158 --> 00:18:40,828
Max, you can't compare yourself
to other people. You'll do it your way.

323
00:18:41,245 --> 00:18:44,123
And there's a blind guy.

324
00:18:44,332 --> 00:18:46,917
No eyes, taxes done.

325
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:51,255
I guess he wasn't distracted by YouTube
clips. Don't be so hard on yourself.

326
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:53,758
You're filing an extension.
You'll get them done.

327
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:55,968
You say I'm going to file, but will I?

328
00:18:56,177 --> 00:18:58,429
I say I'm gonna clean out my purse,
but do I?

329
00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:02,141
Sophie says she's gonna tell Oleg,
but did she?

330
00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:05,144
An extension is just another excuse
for me to put it off...

331
00:19:05,353 --> 00:19:09,774
- And create a bigger mess.
- Hey, Max. What's up?

332
00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:12,735
Bob. Wow, what are you doing here?

333
00:19:12,943 --> 00:19:15,446
Oh, I just filed my taxes
like everyone else.

334
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:17,323
Bob had a good year. Heh.

335
00:19:19,450 --> 00:19:22,119
- Who was that?
- My dealer.

336
00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:23,412
Forget the extension.

337
00:19:23,621 --> 00:19:26,874
If my pot dealer can file, I can file.
We still have half an hour.

338
00:19:27,083 --> 00:19:29,752
Run home and get my w-2s
while I fill out the 1040.

339
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:32,004
I should fill it out
and you can run home.

340
00:19:32,213 --> 00:19:33,464
No, I have to do this.

341
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:36,175
If I get stumped,
I'm surrounded by procrastinators.

342
00:19:36,384 --> 00:19:38,469
One of them will help me. Eventually.

343
00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:42,473
Here's a pen. I'm gonna drop off Earl's
return and be back soon as I can.

344
00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:43,766
Okay. Uh, hi.

345
00:19:43,974 --> 00:19:46,394
Can you hold my place
while I get a tax form?

346
00:19:46,602 --> 00:19:48,646
Oh, cutting it close.
You're worse than me.

347
00:19:48,854 --> 00:19:51,357
- Go, I got your back.
- And she's got your front.

348
00:19:54,652 --> 00:19:56,654
Max: I add up these lines
and put the total here?

349
00:19:56,862 --> 00:19:58,542
- Man 1: Right.
- What about student loans?

350
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:00,783
- Yes, I paid mine off this year.
- Claim it.

351
00:20:00,991 --> 00:20:04,704
That interest is a huge write-off.
Put down $436 on line 33.

352
00:20:04,912 --> 00:20:07,289
- Post office is closing!
- All: No!

353
00:20:07,498 --> 00:20:09,625
My friend just texted me.
She's almost here.

354
00:20:09,834 --> 00:20:13,212
- Please, I have to file this year.
- Midnight is midnight.

355
00:20:13,421 --> 00:20:15,005
All: Boo!

356
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:18,718
Oh, please. I have six children at home.
This is nothing.

357
00:20:18,926 --> 00:20:21,220
Here! I'm here, I'm here!
What time is it?

358
00:20:21,429 --> 00:20:23,347
- Thirty seconds.
- Max: Oh, my god!

359
00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:26,225
Man 2: Get up here, come on.
Make room, make room, make room.

360
00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:29,019
Stapler, stapler.

361
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:30,479
-Ten... man 3: Oh, no, no, no.

362
00:20:30,688 --> 00:20:32,189
- Sign your damn name!
- Nine...

363
00:20:32,398 --> 00:20:36,861
- Where?!
- Eight, seven, six...

364
00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:38,654
Fold, fold, you bastard!

365
00:20:38,863 --> 00:20:44,577
- Fold!
- Five, four, three, two...

366
00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:47,997
- No stamp.
- What?

367
00:20:48,205 --> 00:20:49,790
[All groan]

368
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:54,253
It's cool. I got you, boo.

369
00:20:55,546 --> 00:20:57,715
I did it! I filed my taxes!

370
00:20:57,923 --> 00:20:59,967
[All cheering]

371
00:21:00,176 --> 00:21:02,428
Everybody can suck it!

372
00:21:32,208 --> 00:21:34,210
[English - us - sdh]