1 00:00:05,589 --> 00:00:09,926 Uh... What's happening right now? Max, are you smoking crack? 2 00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:14,013 It's not crack, it's lipstick. I can afford crack. 3 00:00:14,180 --> 00:00:18,893 I'm at the end of my lipstick, I can't afford a new one, so I'm going all Breaking Bad. 4 00:00:19,060 --> 00:00:21,814 Breaking Bad? We're more like broke and sad. 5 00:00:21,981 --> 00:00:26,861 You're free-basing lipstick, and look, this heel is starting to wobble. 6 00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:29,196 Here, stick this in and hold it. 7 00:00:29,362 --> 00:00:33,408 I swear I've said that before, but I don't think it was about shoes. 8 00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:36,286 Yo. Doll face! It's been 10 minutes. 9 00:00:36,454 --> 00:00:39,122 His chowder and my spaghetti, where's the food? 10 00:00:39,289 --> 00:00:43,293 Where's the food? Where's your neck? 11 00:00:43,460 --> 00:00:46,588 I wasn't listening, I was looking at your boobs. 12 00:00:46,756 --> 00:00:51,134 Well, I do what I can, but they'll never be as big as yours. 13 00:00:51,301 --> 00:00:56,432 -Pick up. Meatball. -Hey, hot stuff, where's the hot stuff? 14 00:00:56,598 --> 00:00:59,435 Max, you were right. The heel is much more-- No. 15 00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:02,438 No, wait. No, it's not-- It's gonna-- 16 00:01:03,814 --> 00:01:07,025 Those are the biggest balls those guys have had in their laps... 17 00:01:07,192 --> 00:01:08,736 ...since they started steroids. 18 00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:26,545 I can't believe you masking taped a shoe to your leg. 19 00:01:26,712 --> 00:01:30,549 I know, but these are Christian Louboutins, and even all busted up like this... 20 00:01:30,716 --> 00:01:33,510 ...they still have the classic red bottoms. 21 00:01:33,676 --> 00:01:35,930 You know what else has red bottoms? Baboons. 22 00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:39,724 You walk around with a couple of them on your feet and I'm impressed. 23 00:01:39,891 --> 00:01:42,228 Well, at least you can't see those stupid bows. 24 00:01:42,394 --> 00:01:46,272 Who puts bows on their shoes? What's the gift, your stinky feet? 25 00:01:46,439 --> 00:01:50,069 You don't think I hate the bows? I bought these as an impulse purchase. 26 00:01:50,235 --> 00:01:53,280 I didn't know I'd be shackled with them for eternity. 27 00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:55,073 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 28 00:02:00,703 --> 00:02:04,834 Oh, Caroline, I never noticed you had a club foot. 29 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:08,294 I would have set you up with my brother. 30 00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:11,507 -I broke my shoe in the diner. -Oh, I can help. 31 00:02:11,674 --> 00:02:14,676 I always carry my gym shoes in my bag. 32 00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:19,848 I'm sorry they're so conservative, but the weight room is a real meat rack. 33 00:02:20,014 --> 00:02:21,391 Sophie, that's so sweet. 34 00:02:21,558 --> 00:02:23,477 I still have still have one pair of my own shoes. 35 00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:25,687 Oh. Take them just in case. 36 00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:29,608 You should take them, you'll make 20 bucks just walking to work. 37 00:02:29,775 --> 00:02:31,735 And some of your mail mixed with mine. 38 00:02:31,901 --> 00:02:34,195 This is the third time that mail lady did that. 39 00:02:34,405 --> 00:02:36,323 All right, nightie night. 40 00:02:38,741 --> 00:02:41,704 Max, you will not believe what just came addressed to you. 41 00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:43,872 Let me explain. I am not a Scientologist. 42 00:02:44,038 --> 00:02:47,710 I went that one time because I heard some rich guy was looking for a wife. 43 00:02:47,918 --> 00:02:50,628 No, we've been pre-approved for a credit card. 44 00:02:50,795 --> 00:02:53,048 What? How the hell did we get pre-approved? 45 00:02:53,215 --> 00:02:56,218 It says all we have to do is go online and apply... 46 00:02:56,426 --> 00:02:59,054 ...and we can be approved in under two minutes. 47 00:02:59,221 --> 00:03:02,473 Slow down, Quasimodo, I can't have a credit card. 48 00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:07,020 Someone gave me a bag of cookies once and I ate the entire thing without breathing. 49 00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:09,731 You're not a child anymore, you have more discipline. 50 00:03:09,939 --> 00:03:12,985 The cookies were yesterday. 51 00:03:13,151 --> 00:03:15,737 Okay, what is that thing? What is that spinning wheel? 52 00:03:15,945 --> 00:03:18,574 -It's just processing our application. -No, it's not. 53 00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:20,700 It's finding out everything about us. 54 00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:23,579 Now it's finding out your dad stole millions of dollars. 55 00:03:23,746 --> 00:03:26,539 Now it's finding out I got fired from eight Dairy Queens. 56 00:03:26,706 --> 00:03:30,544 Now it's finding out why I got fired from eight Dairy Queens. 57 00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:33,631 Oh, my God. Max, we're approved! We've just been approved! 58 00:03:33,796 --> 00:03:37,675 What? What is wrong with them? Does Dairy Queen report nothing? 59 00:03:37,843 --> 00:03:41,055 -Get back on there and disapprove us. -Okay, calm down. 60 00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:42,932 We need this card for our business. 61 00:03:43,098 --> 00:03:45,935 All we have to do is communicate about every purchase. 62 00:03:46,100 --> 00:03:47,895 Keep an open dialogue. 63 00:03:48,062 --> 00:03:53,233 So opening dialogue, for our business, I would like a pair of Louboutins. 64 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,694 Opening dialogue, no. 65 00:03:55,860 --> 00:03:59,031 And I felt stupid miming that. I hate the arts. 66 00:03:59,198 --> 00:04:01,908 Look, you can't get everything you want. 67 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:03,868 I would like a box of lizards. 68 00:04:04,036 --> 00:04:07,580 Love lizards, always have. You don't see me putting that on a credit card. 69 00:04:07,789 --> 00:04:10,376 I need a new pair of shoes for business meetings. 70 00:04:10,542 --> 00:04:13,836 You know, dress for the job you want, not the job you have. 71 00:04:14,003 --> 00:04:17,591 Okay, fine. If you're getting the shoes, then I'm getting what I want. 72 00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:21,011 I hope you're happy with an apartment full of lizards and lipstick. 73 00:04:21,177 --> 00:04:25,014 Also, some of those lizards will be wearing lipstick. 74 00:04:28,519 --> 00:04:32,146 Earl, you are looking particularly gorgeous this evening. 75 00:04:32,314 --> 00:04:35,317 Well, I would say, "Don't flatter me," but let's face it... 76 00:04:35,526 --> 00:04:38,403 ...everything came together tonight. 77 00:04:38,569 --> 00:04:41,072 Is it another woman? Should I be filled with anger? 78 00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:43,242 I mean, more than I usually am. 79 00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:46,036 I just wanted to look nice for my son when he comes in. 80 00:04:46,202 --> 00:04:48,622 What? No way, I'm gonna meet your kid? 81 00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:51,250 Well, one of them. 82 00:04:51,417 --> 00:04:55,045 -One of them? How many do you have? -So far? 83 00:04:55,545 --> 00:04:58,507 -Oh, Earl. I love you. -This is my son Darius. 84 00:04:58,673 --> 00:05:01,718 He's the number one Chrysler salesman in all of Detroit. 85 00:05:01,884 --> 00:05:06,348 And he's my very favorite, if he's the one I'm thinking of. 86 00:05:07,682 --> 00:05:10,894 -Excuse me, but aren't you Max? -Of? 87 00:05:11,060 --> 00:05:14,189 -Max's Homemade Cupcakes! -Aah! 88 00:05:14,355 --> 00:05:17,401 Earl, look. Our credit card came in the mail today, see? 89 00:05:17,567 --> 00:05:22,281 "Max Black." No more using the card I found at Six Flags. 90 00:05:23,574 --> 00:05:28,036 Thank you for never checking your statement, Agnes Chin. 91 00:05:28,202 --> 00:05:32,081 Girls, take my advice and be very careful with that thing. 92 00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:36,461 Credit cards are more trouble than a priest at a Wiggles concert. 93 00:05:36,627 --> 00:05:38,463 -Yes, Earl. -Yes, Earl. 94 00:05:38,629 --> 00:05:41,300 I can't believe it, a credit card for our business. 95 00:05:41,466 --> 00:05:43,677 So when are we getting the shoes and lizards? 96 00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:46,387 Max, remember, we have to be grownups about this. 97 00:05:46,596 --> 00:05:51,601 Of course. Two lizards, please. No, make it three. 98 00:05:53,103 --> 00:05:54,937 Hi, I'm looking for Earl. 99 00:05:55,105 --> 00:05:58,442 And, no, I'm not here to return a bag of skunky weed. 100 00:05:58,608 --> 00:06:01,444 Oh, my God, I am so excited to see you. 101 00:06:01,612 --> 00:06:04,238 Come on in, I'll take really, really good care of you. 102 00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:09,286 Oh, you need to know I just separated from my wife, so I'm a little vulnerable. 103 00:06:09,452 --> 00:06:11,579 She's not usually this nice to customers. 104 00:06:11,747 --> 00:06:16,043 She's just excited, she's about to come into some lizards. 105 00:06:16,668 --> 00:06:21,798 Yeah, again, I've been out of the dating pool for a while... 106 00:06:21,964 --> 00:06:25,552 ...so everything sounds like a sexual innuendo to me. 107 00:06:26,345 --> 00:06:30,641 He is not a customer. Look at him. Don't you see the resemblance? 108 00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:35,687 Oh, my God, is he your father? 109 00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:39,608 Yes, he is my father. 110 00:06:39,774 --> 00:06:43,153 And my mother is a piece of chalk. 111 00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:46,072 Daddy! 112 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:50,744 Thank God, it is the one I thought. There's my little boy! 113 00:06:51,161 --> 00:06:52,286 Ah-ha-ha-ha! 114 00:06:53,788 --> 00:06:57,000 So, Darius, what was Earl like as a dad? Must have been great, huh? 115 00:06:57,167 --> 00:07:02,548 I bet he packed the coolest lunches. A joint for recess and a gin-and-juice box? 116 00:07:02,713 --> 00:07:06,175 Oh, yeah, yeah, he was a great dad. I mean, he was always there. 117 00:07:06,343 --> 00:07:11,598 Except for my childhood. Ha-ha-ha. You gotta laugh. Ha-ha-ha. 118 00:07:11,807 --> 00:07:14,560 Earl is sitting right there. 119 00:07:14,725 --> 00:07:18,896 Oh, it's a joke. Take it easy there, Fun Size. 120 00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:22,151 Han, take no offense, he's just pulling your leg a little. 121 00:07:22,317 --> 00:07:26,154 Darius has always been funny. Or am I thinking about Terrance? 122 00:07:26,321 --> 00:07:28,031 Oh, no, I'm the funny one, Dad. 123 00:07:28,197 --> 00:07:31,076 I don't recall there being a Terrance in our family. 124 00:07:31,242 --> 00:07:33,536 But I don't know how far you've thrown your seed. 125 00:07:33,704 --> 00:07:36,665 Ha-ha-ha. You gotta laugh. 126 00:07:36,831 --> 00:07:38,667 Do you? 127 00:07:38,834 --> 00:07:42,295 Darius was voted the funniest salesman at the Chrysler dealership. 128 00:07:42,461 --> 00:07:44,755 Yes, I was. And that's why I quit my job. 129 00:07:44,923 --> 00:07:46,884 To pursue my dream to become a comedian. 130 00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:50,095 (LAUGHING) 131 00:07:50,262 --> 00:07:53,848 See? See? He's funny. Always making jokes. 132 00:07:54,016 --> 00:07:55,641 That's not a joke, Daddy. 133 00:07:55,850 --> 00:07:58,019 No, no, that's why I'm in town. 134 00:07:58,187 --> 00:08:00,480 To audition at the comedy club tomorrow night. 135 00:08:00,646 --> 00:08:05,485 Already got my stage name. Darius the Hilarious. 136 00:08:05,651 --> 00:08:09,363 -I think it's a good choice, right? -Is it? 137 00:08:10,406 --> 00:08:14,995 Well, obviously, Big D, we will all be there to support you. 138 00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:17,038 Will we? 139 00:08:17,206 --> 00:08:19,957 Hold up, Darius, how did all of this happen? 140 00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:23,295 Well, I mean, I knew a guy at Cadillac who knew a guy at Toyota... 141 00:08:23,461 --> 00:08:26,882 ...who knew a guy at Subaru who sold the club owner a Dodge. 142 00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:30,968 Then he hit a kid with it. The kid should've dodged. Ha-ha. 143 00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:33,096 You gotta laugh. 144 00:08:33,263 --> 00:08:36,390 There's a dead kid in the mix and we gotta laugh? 145 00:08:37,975 --> 00:08:42,940 It's not his fault he's not funny, we put his sense of humor on a high shelf. 146 00:08:43,105 --> 00:08:46,400 Hey, Max, you know, Daddy always told me you were special. 147 00:08:46,567 --> 00:08:47,653 And now I see it. 148 00:08:47,818 --> 00:08:50,822 And it's not just because you think everything I say is funny. 149 00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:52,323 You feel like family. 150 00:08:52,490 --> 00:08:57,370 I do? Oh, I always wanted a brother who was a brother. 151 00:08:57,537 --> 00:09:00,999 (LAUGHING) 152 00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:04,293 Max, do you expect me to wait on all the tables tonight? 153 00:09:04,461 --> 00:09:09,173 Well, I am kind of in the middle of my family reunion right now. 154 00:09:09,341 --> 00:09:13,095 -And where is Mr. Hilarious' soup? -Look at blondie here. 155 00:09:13,261 --> 00:09:17,807 She's like, "Oh, my God, do black people even eat soup? 156 00:09:17,975 --> 00:09:20,936 It's, like, whatever." 157 00:09:21,102 --> 00:09:24,063 That is a dead-on Caroline. 158 00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:25,941 Is it? 159 00:09:28,567 --> 00:09:30,821 Here are the order tickets from tonight. 160 00:09:30,988 --> 00:09:34,323 This pile is for the people who found hair. 161 00:09:34,490 --> 00:09:37,952 These are the hairs that the people found. 162 00:09:38,620 --> 00:09:43,709 You sound Russian. That's funny because you're not rushing to make my soup. 163 00:09:43,875 --> 00:09:46,253 No, no, no, I'm kidding there, man, I get it. 164 00:09:46,461 --> 00:09:49,630 You're just too busy back there not putting on deodorant. 165 00:09:49,798 --> 00:09:54,385 -Ha-ha-ha. You gotta laugh. Ha-ha-ha. -Do you? 166 00:09:55,761 --> 00:10:01,434 Max, I might be crazy, but now I feel like the heel on this shoe is starting to-- 167 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:06,398 Gosh. I gotta go wipe this down. You know, I was gonna wear this for my audition. 168 00:10:06,565 --> 00:10:08,859 -And that's gotta go well. -Yes, it does. 169 00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:13,447 Because, son, there are two jobs in Detroit, and you just quit one of them. 170 00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:17,116 Don't worry, Daddy, I'll make you proud. All right? You'll see. 171 00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:20,787 Daddy's been wrong before. He didn't think I could make it on Soul Train . 172 00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:25,500 There I was, in the bottom left corner on the soul train. 173 00:10:29,004 --> 00:10:30,087 (LAUGHING) 174 00:10:30,254 --> 00:10:33,508 -I feel so terrible. -We have to buy him a new shirt. 175 00:10:33,674 --> 00:10:37,178 Max, I've made $7 so far, we can't afford to buy him a shirt. 176 00:10:37,346 --> 00:10:41,140 We can go shopping for a reasonable shirt. We have to, he's family. 177 00:10:41,307 --> 00:10:46,520 Is he? And I have to say, I don't like that brand of put-down humor. 178 00:10:46,687 --> 00:10:49,231 That blond stereotype? I don't even say "whatever." 179 00:10:49,399 --> 00:10:51,650 But, you know, it's fine. Whatever. 180 00:10:57,615 --> 00:11:02,828 Max, slow down. I can't walk any faster in Sophie's giant sneakers. 181 00:11:03,038 --> 00:11:06,917 I can't believe she benches 250 in these. 182 00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:10,711 Oh, my God, my hand just touched the subway floor. 183 00:11:10,879 --> 00:11:13,423 How do I know someone didn't pee here? 184 00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:16,551 Oh, honey, I've peed here. 185 00:11:16,717 --> 00:11:18,845 This is New York, it's made of pee. 186 00:11:19,053 --> 00:11:22,515 And pee hand is what you get for refusing to wear flat shoes. 187 00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:25,059 No way. I'm living close to the gutter as it is. 188 00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:27,479 I can't risk being any shorter. 189 00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:30,440 Here's where we're meeting Darius. Subway Style. 190 00:11:30,606 --> 00:11:33,943 Every time I walk by this place I wonder who would ever shop here. 191 00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:35,986 Now I know. Us. 192 00:11:36,153 --> 00:11:38,990 First, my heel breaks and now I'm shopping underground. 193 00:11:39,157 --> 00:11:43,452 How much lower can I get, brunch on the Earth's core? 194 00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:48,500 Mm. Oh. Excuse my mouthful. 195 00:11:48,667 --> 00:11:53,922 Mm. I wasn't expecting ladies. We usually just sell to pimps and pastors. 196 00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:56,133 What can I help you dolls with? 197 00:11:56,298 --> 00:11:59,885 We're here meeting a friend. We're gonna help him pick out a shirt. 198 00:12:00,095 --> 00:12:03,432 That guy. He's already in the dressing room trying one on now. 199 00:12:03,597 --> 00:12:10,397 Now, listen, if the price is too high, you and I can negotiate. 200 00:12:10,605 --> 00:12:12,606 Or you. 201 00:12:13,357 --> 00:12:16,610 I still can't believe we're using our tip money to buy him a shirt. 202 00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:20,532 We're only gonna spend, like, $40. And you heard the man, it can go down. 203 00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:22,908 If you go down. 204 00:12:23,118 --> 00:12:27,413 Oh, hey, ladies, there you are. Look, I switched it up a bit. 205 00:12:27,621 --> 00:12:30,458 You like me in pink? My boyfriend does. 206 00:12:30,625 --> 00:12:31,750 (CHUCKLES) 207 00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:34,671 He says it makes my cheeks look rosy, all four of them. 208 00:12:34,837 --> 00:12:37,923 Ha-ha-ha. You gotta laugh. You gotta laugh. 209 00:12:38,133 --> 00:12:42,220 Darius, we're family, so I'm just going to tell you like it is. 210 00:12:42,386 --> 00:12:44,389 That material feels a little funky. 211 00:12:44,556 --> 00:12:46,892 That kind of humor might have worked at Toyota-- 212 00:12:47,057 --> 00:12:50,019 -It's Chrysler. -Whatever. But this is New York. 213 00:12:50,187 --> 00:12:52,855 There are a lot of people, be them gays or blonds... 214 00:12:53,023 --> 00:12:57,318 ...who might take offense to that. I mean, I don't, but whatever. 215 00:12:57,485 --> 00:12:59,070 Oh, no, no, I was just playing. 216 00:12:59,236 --> 00:13:01,740 That's not the kind of stuff I'm gonna do in my act. 217 00:13:01,907 --> 00:13:04,493 No, I wrote some real jokes with a comic back home. 218 00:13:04,658 --> 00:13:07,703 He's Jewish, so you know it's gonna be funny and not cheap. Ha-ha. 219 00:13:07,870 --> 00:13:12,625 -Again, see, that's the kind of stuff-- -Caroline, come on, it's so wrong it's right. 220 00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:14,293 I have the jokes right here. 221 00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:16,879 Let's take them on a test drive, see how they do. 222 00:13:17,047 --> 00:13:21,301 All right? So back it up, ladies, you're going to need some laughing room. 223 00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:24,721 -This is gonna be hilarious. -Okay. 224 00:13:24,888 --> 00:13:26,431 Anybody here have a Smart car? 225 00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:29,975 Because I don't think it's smart to drive half a car. 226 00:13:31,186 --> 00:13:33,355 (FAKE-LAUGHING) 227 00:13:33,938 --> 00:13:37,817 That was new. I'll keep working on it. All right, let's try another one. 228 00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:41,153 You know what? Maybe we weren't back far enough. 229 00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:45,951 Yeah. Yeah, that feels funnier already. Right, Caroline? 230 00:13:46,116 --> 00:13:50,913 All right. You know who doesn't drive a Smart car? Smart people. 231 00:13:51,081 --> 00:13:53,207 They don't do it. 232 00:13:53,375 --> 00:13:55,085 (FAKE-LAUGHING) 233 00:13:55,251 --> 00:13:58,587 You gotta laugh. Ha-ha. Seriously, you got to. 234 00:13:58,754 --> 00:14:01,091 I got a lot riding on this. 235 00:14:02,049 --> 00:14:07,806 I just got it. Ha-ha-ha. Oh, my God, he stinks. 236 00:14:08,431 --> 00:14:11,100 He stinks on ice. Darius is gonna bomb tonight. 237 00:14:11,268 --> 00:14:13,394 And worse, he's gonna bomb in front of Earl. 238 00:14:13,562 --> 00:14:17,691 And Earl's pretty sure that's the son he's most proud of. 239 00:14:17,856 --> 00:14:19,734 You're right, what are we gonna do? 240 00:14:19,900 --> 00:14:22,946 Now, I know you lovely ladies came in for a shirt... 241 00:14:23,113 --> 00:14:27,325 ...but can I interest you in a nice suit? Look at this one. It's a classic. 242 00:14:27,491 --> 00:14:30,995 You can't get this color aboveground. 243 00:14:31,162 --> 00:14:34,249 That's it! Darius needs a suit. 244 00:14:34,415 --> 00:14:37,586 All the professional comedians wear suits, and like you said... 245 00:14:37,751 --> 00:14:39,837 ...you have to dress for the job you want. 246 00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:44,717 And with jokes like that, he needs the funniest suit they have. 247 00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:47,470 Do you got anything from the Sinbad collection? 248 00:14:47,636 --> 00:14:49,764 I do. 249 00:14:51,182 --> 00:14:53,393 Max, I don't think the suit's gonna be enough. 250 00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:57,272 I think he needs something else. You know, like a puppet. 251 00:14:57,438 --> 00:15:01,817 A puppet? That's exactly what he needs. 252 00:15:04,613 --> 00:15:10,243 I went out with a guy last night, asked me if we could go Dutch. 253 00:15:10,409 --> 00:15:14,831 I said, "I don't know, what's Dutch for 'cheap-ass bitch'?" 254 00:15:14,998 --> 00:15:16,832 (ALL LAUGHING) 255 00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:20,669 You kick him to the curb! 256 00:15:20,836 --> 00:15:24,966 We'll be right back, because momma's gotta go put her feet up. 257 00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:27,760 Miss? Can we get another round when you get a chance? 258 00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,678 -Another round? -Keep them coming... 259 00:15:29,846 --> 00:15:32,849 ...till we can no longer see. Put it on my card. 260 00:15:33,015 --> 00:15:36,436 -You got it. -Man, that feels good every time. 261 00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:41,857 Hey, Max, just because you're buying me drinks doesn't mean I'm going to put out. 262 00:15:42,024 --> 00:15:46,738 Ha-ha-ha. My celery stick is my microphone at the comedy club. 263 00:15:46,904 --> 00:15:48,530 (LAUGHING) 264 00:15:48,697 --> 00:15:50,991 I'm here. I'm here. 265 00:15:51,158 --> 00:15:54,788 -Did you get the puppet? -Oh, I got the puppet. 266 00:15:55,705 --> 00:15:57,831 (LAUGHING) 267 00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:00,960 Ah-ah-ah. 268 00:16:01,126 --> 00:16:02,379 (KNOCK ON DOOR) 269 00:16:02,544 --> 00:16:04,464 Hey, come on in. 270 00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:09,885 Hey, girls, how you doing? Darius the Hilarious is pumped. 271 00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:14,557 I'm totally in my zone right now. And I can't miss in this suit. 272 00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:16,768 -Well... -Well... 273 00:16:16,934 --> 00:16:19,395 Darius, that's what we wanted to talk to you about. 274 00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:22,565 You know we're big fans. You're amazing, your act's incredible. 275 00:16:22,731 --> 00:16:24,109 You're Darius the Hilarious. 276 00:16:24,274 --> 00:16:28,446 -Max and I love the Smart car stuff. -It's hilarious, per your name. 277 00:16:28,613 --> 00:16:32,033 But, well, it is New York. Not a lot of people are smart or have cars. 278 00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:34,536 You know New York, not exactly the cutting edge. 279 00:16:34,702 --> 00:16:36,620 After Max and I left, we had a thought. 280 00:16:36,788 --> 00:16:39,124 We got you a puppet. 281 00:16:39,289 --> 00:16:44,962 And, yes, I was stoned, but Caroline was laughing just as hard as me. 282 00:16:45,129 --> 00:16:48,048 -You got me a what? -A puppet. We got you a puppet. 283 00:16:48,216 --> 00:16:51,845 -But I don't use a puppet. -Until you do. 284 00:16:52,010 --> 00:16:55,849 -Just imagine. At the end or the beginning-- -Or all the way through. 285 00:16:56,014 --> 00:16:58,475 "Ladies and Gentleman, Darius the Hilarious... 286 00:16:58,643 --> 00:17:03,355 ...and his partner, Justin Beaver." 287 00:17:05,316 --> 00:17:11,823 Damn, girl. And I mean dam as in, I built one. Ha-ha-ha. 288 00:17:11,990 --> 00:17:15,826 And you don't even have to be funny, Justin Beaver does the work for you. 289 00:17:15,993 --> 00:17:17,578 Show him, Max. 290 00:17:18,997 --> 00:17:21,833 I'm straight. Ha-ha-ha. 291 00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:25,295 -You gotta laugh. -You gotta laugh. 292 00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:27,547 Do I? 293 00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:32,050 I mean, honestly, making fun of Justin Beaver's sexuality... 294 00:17:32,218 --> 00:17:34,220 ...I find that a tad offensive. 295 00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:43,061 This next act comes to us from the Motor City. 296 00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:46,982 Please give it up for Mr. Darius the Hilarious. 297 00:17:47,150 --> 00:17:49,693 (CHEERS & APPLAUSE) 298 00:17:50,694 --> 00:17:54,574 All right. How's everybody doing tonight? 299 00:17:55,282 --> 00:17:57,035 Who out there has a Smart car? 300 00:17:57,201 --> 00:18:00,538 Because I don't think it's smart to drive a half a car. 301 00:18:00,704 --> 00:18:03,165 You gotta laugh. Heh-heh. 302 00:18:03,415 --> 00:18:05,417 (FAKE-LAUGHING) 303 00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:09,756 Oh, no. I ran out of fake laughter. 304 00:18:09,963 --> 00:18:13,175 Yeah, I mean, a Smart car, have you seen this thing? 305 00:18:13,343 --> 00:18:16,805 It's like you're driving around in a backpack. 306 00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:19,807 You gotta laugh. 307 00:18:19,973 --> 00:18:25,563 Do we? Why don't you have a Smart car write some jokes for you? 308 00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:29,317 Yeah, well, I can see why you would defend the Smart car. 309 00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:32,028 It's the only car your feet can reach the pedals in. 310 00:18:32,194 --> 00:18:35,030 (CROWD LAUGHING) 311 00:18:36,907 --> 00:18:41,453 That's so true, he's very short. 312 00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:45,708 As is the car. It all lines up. 313 00:18:45,875 --> 00:18:51,338 Look at this gray-haired scrub, man. Apparently black do crack. 314 00:18:51,506 --> 00:18:56,719 Hey, Don King called, said he want his whole head back. 315 00:18:57,220 --> 00:19:00,515 Max, look. Look how proud Earl is. 316 00:19:00,682 --> 00:19:03,559 Hey, hey, hey, blondie. You mind not talking till I finish? 317 00:19:03,726 --> 00:19:06,186 Wait, you're probably just thinking: "Oh, my God! 318 00:19:06,354 --> 00:19:10,732 Shoes, shoes, hair brush, shoes." 319 00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:15,821 Oh, my God, I actually was thinking about shoes. 320 00:19:16,573 --> 00:19:20,660 I'm sorry, there's a problem with your card. It's been declined. 321 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:31,211 Max, Darius told me what you did, and that was awful nice of you. 322 00:19:31,378 --> 00:19:36,925 Now, here. I'm reimbursing you for all of the clothes and for that damn puppet. 323 00:19:37,093 --> 00:19:40,512 Although, I swore I would never pay for beaver. 324 00:19:41,597 --> 00:19:43,432 Do you think he'll ever make it, Earl? 325 00:19:43,599 --> 00:19:46,184 Who's to say nowadays, Max? 326 00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:49,689 America's Got Talent? Do they? 327 00:19:50,940 --> 00:19:55,193 All I know is he's my kid and you went out of your way to try and help him. 328 00:19:55,361 --> 00:19:57,989 Well, I just wanted you to be proud. 329 00:19:58,155 --> 00:20:01,451 I am, Max. Very proud. 330 00:20:04,828 --> 00:20:10,125 I just talked to Visa. I think they were disappointed they had pre-approved us. 331 00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:17,299 Look. I killed it. I had to. It was telling me to buy a Harley. 332 00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:21,804 Okay, open dialogue, I used the credit card for one more thing yesterday. 333 00:20:21,971 --> 00:20:24,766 Open dialogue, so did I. 334 00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:28,269 -It's the fanciest lipstick Payless had. -Aww... 335 00:20:28,435 --> 00:20:30,104 And here. 336 00:20:30,270 --> 00:20:32,022 Max, are there lizards in that bag? 337 00:20:32,190 --> 00:20:34,442 I wish. 338 00:20:36,361 --> 00:20:39,739 They're as good a new, and no bows! 339 00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:42,115 Max, where'd you find a cobbler? 340 00:20:42,282 --> 00:20:46,913 A cobbler? I took a time machine. 341 00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:51,334 I was supposed to kill Hitler, but I thought your shoes were more important. 342 00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:54,962 -Okay, let's cut up your card. -We should keep one for emergencies. 343 00:20:55,128 --> 00:20:58,383 We have to put it someplace where we'll never be tempted to reach. 344 00:20:58,548 --> 00:21:02,720 -Oleg, would you put this down your pants? -No problem. 345 00:21:32,834 --> 00:21:34,919 English - US - SDH