Hey.
What are you doing back so early?
-Did Chestnut forget his wallet? -No, we saw that cat we don't like.
I tried to spray it with the water bottle but it just laughed at us, so we ran.
-What are you doing out here? -Enjoying the day.
The coming of autumn is my favorite time of year.
I love the leaves.
Oh, gross, a condom!
-Oh. -Wow. I guess autumn really is coming.
-Who would throw that over our wall? -That cat.
What? He's not only arrogant, he wants us to know he has sex.
All I know is, if I had nine lives, I wouldn't wear a condom.
Hey, we should start figuring out what to do with Chestnut this winter...
...now that it's already peak condom dropping season.
You're right. Chestnut is the most important thing.
More importantly, what do you think of this sweater...
-...I chose for my date with Andy? -It's nice.
But won't it be hard to pull off over your head in the cab?
-I'm assuming you'll do it in a cab. -Max, it's a first date.
That's not appropriate.
Is it? I mean, I've never dated poor.
What is acceptable on a first date?
Well, I'm pretty classy, so anal?
I'm not that poor.
Well, you better give him something to keep him interested...
...because he owns a candy store and I want free candy forever.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
There he is.
Bring him in the yard so he can see me in my sweater next to my horse.
Okay, freak.
But next time a guy comes knocking for me...
...take him to my bedroom so he can see me in my Slayer shirt...
...next to my Gloworm filled with pot.
Hello, sir, I'm here to pick up your daughter.
What exactly are your intentions?
I don't know, maybe take her on a romantic hay ride...
...knock her out with chloroform and sell her kidney for a new iPad.
Son! Come outside. Ms. Channing wants you to see her...
...looking like the girl who got cut from the J. Crew catalog for being too white.
Ms. Channing? Max. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait.
Caroline is "Caroline Channing" Caroline Channing?
Yeah, she used to be a billionaire but now all her money's in here.
Oh, wait, some of these are buttons.
Oh. Okay. I just thought she was a regular Williamsburg girl.
No. She doesn't try that hard.
And I was wrong.
-Oh, hi. I didn't hear you knock. -Well, you two have a good time.
If you don't bring me some Pixie Sticks, you'll never see my little girl again.
-Way ahead of you. -Yes!
Yeah, definitely anal.
Oh, baby, look who's a half hour late for work.
Must have been a hot date with the candy man.
So did you touch his Whatchamacallit?
Did you bring him to Almond Joy?
His Butterfingers got nowhere near my Mounds.
Now, if we could be adults for a second.
Well, your Mounds are more like Sno-Caps, but continue.
Well, nothing happened.
Even after four hours of me breathing heavily and saying:
(IN SULTRY VOICE) "I'm having a really good time."
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Look, I don't wanna be this girl, but I think....
Think he might be gay.
He's gay because he's not turned on by four hours of coffee breath?
(BELL RINGS)
What's up?
(IN SULTRY VOICE) I'm having a really good time.
I must go to the men's room right now.
That proves nothing.
Oleg is always looking for an excuse to put it somewhere.
Why do you think we don't serve bagels anymore?
Andy is not gay.
And I'm not just setting you up for a life of confusing non-sex...
...for the free candy, although that does sound like me.
He's really into you.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) He might be into me, but he doesn't seem to wanna get into me.
Maybe he just wants me as a friend.
No way. You are, like, 80 pounds and a coke addiction shy...
...from being qualified to be a gay guy's female friend.
What's so important you two have to be in here gabbing...
...when there are customers?
Caroline and I were discussing if someone we know is gay.
I once had a homosexual experience in college.
With another girl?
No. There was a boy who was interested in me.
He was captain of the football team.
He would come to my dorm room and ask me to do his homework...
...and then he would leave.
Oh. Never mind. I never had a homosexual experience.
Keep wearing those sweaters, Han, it'll happen.
And if you think your life sucks now, it just got worse.
Look, a new hipster strain. Ironic Amish.
No way. I'm taking care of these two butter churners right now.
Look, I'm telling you what I told Mumford & Sons. Get out.
Go. Go, you hipster Amish wannabes.
-But we really are Amish. -Yes. We're here on Rumspringa.
And I'm here on a little bit of vodka.
It's sort of like spring break.
We get to leave the ways of the Amish and experience the modern world.
Well, I beggeth thy forgiveness.
Haveth a seat-eth in the booth-eth.
Have a seat in the booth.
Earl, I got two Amish in my booth.
Well, let them know right up front that we don't accept traveler's checks or livestock.
-So Amish, huh? -Yes, ma'am.
-From Pennsylvania. -Ma'am?
You know what? That's kind of hot.
I always thought I'd have to wait 20 more years...
...to be a cougar, but, rwarr, here I am.
Why don't I bring you boys some coffee, on me?
We can't drink coffee, ma'am. Coffee is the devil in a cup.
We can do whatever we want, Jacob, we're in New York.
-Yeah, Jacob. Listen to, uh.... -Jebediah.
For real?
Did you see the size of her nursers?
-Those guys are for real Amish. -I love the Amish culture.
You love every culture.
You salute the flags at IHOP when we walk by.
Oh, my God, that's it.
Max, question. What are the Amish known for?
Oh, no, it's sixth grade all over again. Just give me an F and move on.
Barns! They build barns. And we need--
We need a barn for Chestnut! Come on.
And let me do the talking.
I am very good at manipulating young boys.
I once got a 10 year old I was babysitting to buy me a box of Pop Tarts...
...with his allowance.
-So this is our place. Not much, but.... -You have so many possessions.
-Are you rich, ma'am? -Yes.
And I have to say, this "ma'am" thing is still working for me.
Okay, Jacob. That's enough with the lights.
There will be plenty of time for fun with electricity tomorrow, but it's late.
Let's discuss sleeping arrangements.
You two can sleep out here and Max and I will sleep in her bed.
JACOB & JEBEDIAH: Okay.
-Oh, sorry, I left my bra. -(STUTTERING) Your bra?
Jacob, stop acting like a child. I'm sorry about him.
Don't be. At least it was her bra, mine would have killed the kid.
We could drive our truck to my uncle's lumber yard in the morning...
...and get wood for the barn.
There seems to be plenty of wood right here.
Oh, hello.
Don't be embarrassed, Jacob.
It's perfectly natural when you're exposed to new things.
The first time I saw a picture of those fat twins on scooters, I was hard for days.
Why don't you go outside and play with the horse?
BOTH: Okay.
And thank you for letting us stay at your place.
Your home is dope.
You don't even know what that means.
It's hipster talk, Jacob, and it's awesome.
Are we sure this is a good idea?
You saw how turned on he was.
He was practically raising a barn in his pants.
We're fine. They're fine.
Just a typical male reaction to a couple of hot cougars like us.
(GROWLS)
You know what isn't a typical male reaction?
Not calling or texting a girl you're interested in.
-Well, why don't you just text Andy then? -What should I text?
"Why so gay, question mark"?
I don't know. The only thing I've ever texted to a guy is:
"There's a cop behind you, walk past me."
-Just say "hey." -Okay, I can do that.
"Hey." Huh. It autocorrected to "gay."
Even the phone's getting that vibe. There, sent it. "Hey."
-Do you think I could grab a beer? -Yes.
-No. -Look, they're working for us for free.
-One beer each. -Awesome. Awesome. Awesome.
You can't give underage kids beer in our home.
Why? Isn't that what love is?
Jebediah, beer is the devil's saliva.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Neighbors come a-calling after midnight in Williamsburg?
Where is this William? I'd like to compliment him on his burg.
Hi, girls, I just came down for a cupca--
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold on!
Who are the two cute puppies in the kitchen?
Look at you two.
You are the cutest little things.
Yes, you are. Ooh! And this one has erection.
Jacob, don't look directly at her, she's like an eclipse with boobs.
Sorry, girls, I didn't mean to interrupt your lover's session.
Sophie, they're just here to build a barn.
Oh, sure. Heh-heh. Wink, wink.
Building a barn. Is that what we're calling it now?
Wink, wink. Heh-heh.
Caroline's telling the truth, Sophie. It's strictly business.
Oh, so you're paying for them?
Okay. Ooh-la-la!
How much do they cost? Because, yeah, I also need a barn.
Wink, wink. Heh-heh.
Well, here's your cupcake, good night.
Oh, but I want to play with the puppies.
It's very late, you can come back in the morning.
Oh.
This is like when they canceled Christmas in my village.
Look. Look at his pants. That one misses me.
Nighty-night, puppies.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
That must be Andy.
Emojis? He sent me emojis?
All I get back are tiny little pictures when I spent the time and energy to write "hey"?
Rainbow, dollar sign, muffin. Could be worse.
I once got naked guy, naked girl, tombstone.
I wasn't sure what it meant, but I immediately got tested.
Yep, Chestnut, pretty soon you'll be safe and sound with a roof over your head...
...and you and I can finally be safe...
...from the unending torment of that condom-throwing cat.
CAROLINE: All ready for my second date.
Slut, party of one. Slut, party of one.
You know it. Plus, I'm taking him to that bar where only cheap girls go to get laid.
You know, the one you like.
Oh, the Just Slip It Inn.
And if that place plus this outfit doesn't put his pedal to my metal...
...it's clearly never happening.
Well, that outfit's sexy, but not foolproof.
Oh, it's not? Follow me, please.
Jacob?
And I'm not saying I'm that hot...
...but I've never seen anybody drop wood and get wood at the same time.
Hey, baby. Mama's gonna get day laid.
Max, would it be okay if we take our shirts off?
-We're sweating and-- -Yes.
I mean, sure, whatever, if you want to.
Oh, crap, I don't have any ones.
Could you spray me with the water bottle?
Oh, right. Oh, I'm gonna spray you.
Is that what you think is gonna happen?
I'm gonna spray you and get turned on...
...then I'll start spraying stutter-stud, and then we're all having sex?
No, Max, I got them. Here you go, puppies.
Oh, now I wet the shy one.
Oh, and boys, I'm gonna need you to come up here next and fix something...
...because it broke.
What's broken?
Oh....
(CRASH)
That.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
Look at the couple behind us.
I mean, save some for the men's room stall, am I right?
I'm having a really good time.
-What? -I'm having a really good time!
I think we need more drinks. Would you like a Jack and Coke?
Or maybe just a Jack?
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
Oh, no. If you're calling me, then the date's not going well.
I'm not crazy. He did hunt me down and beg me to go out with him.
Nothing again? Well, maybe he's not feeling that place.
He's the only one.
It's so horny here I'm about to have sex with the couple at the next table...
...and they're both redheads, which is so gross.
Hold on a second. Um, hey, guys.
-Yeah? -Perfect, thanks.
I mean, why did he even ask me out again?
-Well, I kind of might of have said something. -Max!
Now, I'm even more humiliated. You forced a gay guy to go out with me?
Who am I, the girl with lupus at the prom?
Andy is not gay.
He hasn't said one mean thing about strangers while I've been around him.
Well, then he's paralyzed from the waist down and hides it by walking.
(SIGHS)
-Okay, that's it. I'm leaving. -No, don't.
I'll come there. Maybe it'll help. You two were really hot...
-...when I was standing between you. -True.
Okay, and hurry. I don't wanna go home with the redheads.
Why do they even let them in here?
Leaving here is probably a good idea anyway.
If I stay any longer, I'm gonna do something I'll have to pretend to regret.
Whoa! How weird running into you guys here at my favorite bar...
...that I come to all the time just because.
-Hi, Andy. These guys are our friends. -We're Amish.
Awesome band name.
-Max, why did you bring them? -I was afraid to leave them home.
Sophie was running out of things to break in her apartment.
-So, what are you guys drinking? -Beer.
Shut it, Jacob, or I will smite thee.
Wait, uh, I'll go with you.
FYI, I'm leaving with the redheads in five minutes.
Hi. Can I get a pitcher of tap, please?
Would you like to dance, Caroline?
Oh, thank you, but that is so not my thing.
And besides, that's not so much a dance floor as an STD mosh pit.
Awesome.
So she called you, right?
I saw her talking on the phone using hand gestures.
I figured it was about the date.
Hey, I'm gonna try and put this as politely as I can...
...but what the hell is wrong with you? Make a move.
-Max, I really like her, but.... -What is the "but"?
-But she's Caroline Channing. -And you're Andy Something. So?
I'm Andy Something who owns a small candy store...
-...and she was practically a princess. -Was. Was a princess.
Now she has five pairs of underwear and hasn't done laundry in eight days.
Max, honestly, I mean, I used those stupid emojis to buy time...
...to figure out what I wanted to say. That's why emojis exist.
So guys like me don't have to say, "I'm not good enough. I sell gum."
She's the same girl you met in your candy store.
No, she's not. That was just a regular pretty Williamsburg girl.
Now she's refined rich Caroline Channing.
He thinks you're rich and refined.
-It's a real boner blocker. -What?
He found out who you were and he's intimidated.
You have to act cheap and unrefined. It's the only way.
Here we go. I also ordered you guys some nachos.
No jalapenos, I know that's the devil's garnish.
Great. Nachos. They're so low-rent, like me.
But first, I'm gonna chug some draft beer like I always do.
And now I'm gonna freak dance. Slut, party of one.
Come on, Jacob, I'm gonna tear that ass up.
You are?
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)
Really think we about to end it Like that
See. That's not special at all.
We up in the party Like that
Really think we about to end it Like that
Oh, my God, call the paramedics! I danced an Amish boy to death!
(SIREN WAILS)
Look at poor Jacob. I feel awful.
It was just a panic attack coupled with his first orgasm.
The paramedics said he'll be fine.
I think that's what they said. It was hard to hear over all their laughing.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
More emojis from Andy. Christmas tree, fireworks, martini glass.
-Okay. That's it. I'm done. -Well, here he comes.
-What is this supposed to mean? -Oh, that? That means....
I love emojis.
I think my work here is done.
Max, I'm gonna go with Jacob in that thing we wouldn't let take our grandmother.
And I just wanted to say goodbye and thank you for everything.
You built us a barn, we almost killed your friend, I'd say we're even.
Jacob says he's gonna go home, but I met this girl in the bar...
...whose roommate overdosed yesterday, so there's a spare room.
-I've decided to stay. -Cool.
So got any words of wisdom for a kid trying to make it in the world?
No, do you?
Look, just know you're gonna struggle for a while. Someone's gonna ask what time it is.
When you look at your watch, he's gonna put his penis on you.
But like Dan Savage says, it gets better.
It hasn't for me, so maybe that only applies to questioning teens.
In short, there's really no point to anything...
...but sometimes you get to eat candy or have sex and that's when it all feels right.
(CAT MEOWS)
Oh, no.
Caroline, the cat.
I'm on my own. Fine.
Oh, no, you bastard. Not tonight. It is not going down tonight.
(YOWLS AND HISSES)
All right, you win this one.
(WHIMPERS)
English - US - SDH