1 00:00:02,585 --> 00:00:03,879 Hey. 2 00:00:04,046 --> 00:00:05,881 What are you doing back so early? 3 00:00:06,048 --> 00:00:10,803 -Did Chestnut forget his wallet? -No, we saw that cat we don't like. 4 00:00:10,970 --> 00:00:15,432 I tried to spray it with the water bottle but it just laughed at us, so we ran. 5 00:00:15,599 --> 00:00:18,309 -What are you doing out here? -Enjoying the day. 6 00:00:18,477 --> 00:00:21,230 The coming of autumn is my favorite time of year. 7 00:00:21,396 --> 00:00:22,772 I love the leaves. 8 00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:25,525 Oh, gross, a condom! 9 00:00:26,568 --> 00:00:30,489 -Oh. -Wow. I guess autumn really is coming. 10 00:00:30,989 --> 00:00:34,243 -Who would throw that over our wall? -That cat. 11 00:00:34,784 --> 00:00:38,581 What? He's not only arrogant, he wants us to know he has sex. 12 00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:44,128 All I know is, if I had nine lives, I wouldn't wear a condom. 13 00:00:54,345 --> 00:00:58,142 Hey, we should start figuring out what to do with Chestnut this winter... 14 00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:01,103 ...now that it's already peak condom dropping season. 15 00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:03,731 You're right. Chestnut is the most important thing. 16 00:01:03,898 --> 00:01:06,650 More importantly, what do you think of this sweater... 17 00:01:06,817 --> 00:01:08,986 -...I chose for my date with Andy? -It's nice. 18 00:01:09,153 --> 00:01:12,948 But won't it be hard to pull off over your head in the cab? 19 00:01:13,156 --> 00:01:16,075 -I'm assuming you'll do it in a cab. -Max, it's a first date. 20 00:01:16,242 --> 00:01:18,370 That's not appropriate. 21 00:01:18,537 --> 00:01:22,500 Is it? I mean, I've never dated poor. 22 00:01:22,665 --> 00:01:24,668 What is acceptable on a first date? 23 00:01:24,835 --> 00:01:29,131 Well, I'm pretty classy, so anal? 24 00:01:36,388 --> 00:01:37,515 I'm not that poor. 25 00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:40,850 Well, you better give him something to keep him interested... 26 00:01:41,018 --> 00:01:43,938 ...because he owns a candy store and I want free candy forever. 27 00:01:44,103 --> 00:01:45,230 (KNOCK ON DOOR) 28 00:01:45,396 --> 00:01:46,439 There he is. 29 00:01:46,606 --> 00:01:49,944 Bring him in the yard so he can see me in my sweater next to my horse. 30 00:01:50,109 --> 00:01:51,236 Okay, freak. 31 00:01:53,364 --> 00:01:55,490 But next time a guy comes knocking for me... 32 00:01:55,658 --> 00:01:58,743 ...take him to my bedroom so he can see me in my Slayer shirt... 33 00:01:58,911 --> 00:02:00,912 ...next to my Gloworm filled with pot. 34 00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:05,709 Hello, sir, I'm here to pick up your daughter. 35 00:02:05,876 --> 00:02:07,503 What exactly are your intentions? 36 00:02:07,670 --> 00:02:10,548 I don't know, maybe take her on a romantic hay ride... 37 00:02:10,713 --> 00:02:14,217 ...knock her out with chloroform and sell her kidney for a new iPad. 38 00:02:14,759 --> 00:02:19,098 Son! Come outside. Ms. Channing wants you to see her... 39 00:02:19,264 --> 00:02:23,352 ...looking like the girl who got cut from the J. Crew catalog for being too white. 40 00:02:23,519 --> 00:02:25,937 Ms. Channing? Max. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait. 41 00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:28,774 Caroline is "Caroline Channing" Caroline Channing? 42 00:02:28,941 --> 00:02:32,527 Yeah, she used to be a billionaire but now all her money's in here. 43 00:02:32,694 --> 00:02:34,572 Oh, wait, some of these are buttons. 44 00:02:34,737 --> 00:02:38,533 Oh. Okay. I just thought she was a regular Williamsburg girl. 45 00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:41,662 No. She doesn't try that hard. 46 00:02:44,456 --> 00:02:46,082 And I was wrong. 47 00:02:46,792 --> 00:02:51,421 -Oh, hi. I didn't hear you knock. -Well, you two have a good time. 48 00:02:51,588 --> 00:02:55,843 If you don't bring me some Pixie Sticks, you'll never see my little girl again. 49 00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:58,888 -Way ahead of you. -Yes! 50 00:03:00,306 --> 00:03:02,473 Yeah, definitely anal. 51 00:03:08,479 --> 00:03:12,067 Oh, baby, look who's a half hour late for work. 52 00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:14,694 Must have been a hot date with the candy man. 53 00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:18,157 So did you touch his Whatchamacallit? 54 00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:21,200 Did you bring him to Almond Joy? 55 00:03:21,367 --> 00:03:24,163 His Butterfingers got nowhere near my Mounds. 56 00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:26,331 Now, if we could be adults for a second. 57 00:03:26,497 --> 00:03:29,543 Well, your Mounds are more like Sno-Caps, but continue. 58 00:03:31,086 --> 00:03:32,211 Well, nothing happened. 59 00:03:32,378 --> 00:03:36,383 Even after four hours of me breathing heavily and saying: 60 00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:39,510 (IN SULTRY VOICE) "I'm having a really good time." 61 00:03:41,347 --> 00:03:43,973 (IN NORMAL VOICE) Look, I don't wanna be this girl, but I think.... 62 00:03:44,140 --> 00:03:45,893 Think he might be gay. 63 00:03:46,435 --> 00:03:50,521 He's gay because he's not turned on by four hours of coffee breath? 64 00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:54,234 (BELL RINGS) 65 00:03:55,026 --> 00:03:56,235 What's up? 66 00:03:56,402 --> 00:04:00,074 (IN SULTRY VOICE) I'm having a really good time. 67 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,784 I must go to the men's room right now. 68 00:04:09,165 --> 00:04:11,293 That proves nothing. 69 00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:14,295 Oleg is always looking for an excuse to put it somewhere. 70 00:04:14,462 --> 00:04:17,548 Why do you think we don't serve bagels anymore? 71 00:04:21,136 --> 00:04:22,971 Andy is not gay. 72 00:04:23,137 --> 00:04:26,432 And I'm not just setting you up for a life of confusing non-sex... 73 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,894 ...for the free candy, although that does sound like me. 74 00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:31,771 He's really into you. 75 00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:36,235 (IN NORMAL VOICE) He might be into me, but he doesn't seem to wanna get into me. 76 00:04:37,485 --> 00:04:39,404 Maybe he just wants me as a friend. 77 00:04:39,571 --> 00:04:42,449 No way. You are, like, 80 pounds and a coke addiction shy... 78 00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:45,911 ...from being qualified to be a gay guy's female friend. 79 00:04:46,245 --> 00:04:49,163 What's so important you two have to be in here gabbing... 80 00:04:49,331 --> 00:04:50,790 ...when there are customers? 81 00:04:50,957 --> 00:04:54,545 Caroline and I were discussing if someone we know is gay. 82 00:04:54,711 --> 00:04:58,382 I once had a homosexual experience in college. 83 00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:05,680 With another girl? 84 00:05:07,348 --> 00:05:09,893 No. There was a boy who was interested in me. 85 00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:11,812 He was captain of the football team. 86 00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:14,981 He would come to my dorm room and ask me to do his homework... 87 00:05:15,149 --> 00:05:17,776 ...and then he would leave. 88 00:05:17,942 --> 00:05:22,072 Oh. Never mind. I never had a homosexual experience. 89 00:05:23,449 --> 00:05:26,451 Keep wearing those sweaters, Han, it'll happen. 90 00:05:31,372 --> 00:05:34,209 And if you think your life sucks now, it just got worse. 91 00:05:34,375 --> 00:05:38,047 Look, a new hipster strain. Ironic Amish. 92 00:05:38,213 --> 00:05:42,843 No way. I'm taking care of these two butter churners right now. 93 00:05:43,593 --> 00:05:47,889 Look, I'm telling you what I told Mumford & Sons. Get out. 94 00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:53,896 Go. Go, you hipster Amish wannabes. 95 00:05:54,062 --> 00:05:57,858 -But we really are Amish. -Yes. We're here on Rumspringa. 96 00:05:58,024 --> 00:06:01,444 And I'm here on a little bit of vodka. 97 00:06:01,612 --> 00:06:03,112 It's sort of like spring break. 98 00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:06,617 We get to leave the ways of the Amish and experience the modern world. 99 00:06:06,783 --> 00:06:09,620 Well, I beggeth thy forgiveness. 100 00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:12,372 Haveth a seat-eth in the booth-eth. 101 00:06:13,665 --> 00:06:15,375 Have a seat in the booth. 102 00:06:17,836 --> 00:06:19,922 Earl, I got two Amish in my booth. 103 00:06:20,088 --> 00:06:25,468 Well, let them know right up front that we don't accept traveler's checks or livestock. 104 00:06:27,178 --> 00:06:29,098 -So Amish, huh? -Yes, ma'am. 105 00:06:29,264 --> 00:06:31,516 -From Pennsylvania. -Ma'am? 106 00:06:31,682 --> 00:06:34,310 You know what? That's kind of hot. 107 00:06:34,478 --> 00:06:36,355 I always thought I'd have to wait 20 more years... 108 00:06:36,521 --> 00:06:39,649 ...to be a cougar, but, rwarr, here I am. 109 00:06:40,776 --> 00:06:43,194 Why don't I bring you boys some coffee, on me? 110 00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:46,615 We can't drink coffee, ma'am. Coffee is the devil in a cup. 111 00:06:46,824 --> 00:06:49,283 We can do whatever we want, Jacob, we're in New York. 112 00:06:49,451 --> 00:06:52,204 -Yeah, Jacob. Listen to, uh.... -Jebediah. 113 00:06:52,370 --> 00:06:53,497 For real? 114 00:06:56,582 --> 00:06:59,418 Did you see the size of her nursers? 115 00:07:04,632 --> 00:07:08,553 -Those guys are for real Amish. -I love the Amish culture. 116 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,012 You love every culture. 117 00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:13,225 You salute the flags at IHOP when we walk by. 118 00:07:15,853 --> 00:07:17,353 Oh, my God, that's it. 119 00:07:17,521 --> 00:07:20,064 Max, question. What are the Amish known for? 120 00:07:20,231 --> 00:07:23,901 Oh, no, it's sixth grade all over again. Just give me an F and move on. 121 00:07:24,569 --> 00:07:26,654 Barns! They build barns. And we need-- 122 00:07:26,822 --> 00:07:29,031 We need a barn for Chestnut! Come on. 123 00:07:29,199 --> 00:07:30,492 And let me do the talking. 124 00:07:30,658 --> 00:07:32,702 I am very good at manipulating young boys. 125 00:07:32,870 --> 00:07:36,415 I once got a 10 year old I was babysitting to buy me a box of Pop Tarts... 126 00:07:36,581 --> 00:07:38,457 ...with his allowance. 127 00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:45,215 -So this is our place. Not much, but.... -You have so many possessions. 128 00:07:45,382 --> 00:07:48,759 -Are you rich, ma'am? -Yes. 129 00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:51,930 And I have to say, this "ma'am" thing is still working for me. 130 00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:56,185 Okay, Jacob. That's enough with the lights. 131 00:07:56,393 --> 00:08:00,480 There will be plenty of time for fun with electricity tomorrow, but it's late. 132 00:08:00,646 --> 00:08:02,399 Let's discuss sleeping arrangements. 133 00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:05,776 You two can sleep out here and Max and I will sleep in her bed. 134 00:08:05,944 --> 00:08:07,196 JACOB & JEBEDIAH: Okay. 135 00:08:07,362 --> 00:08:11,533 -Oh, sorry, I left my bra. -(STUTTERING) Your bra? 136 00:08:11,699 --> 00:08:14,786 Jacob, stop acting like a child. I'm sorry about him. 137 00:08:14,952 --> 00:08:18,624 Don't be. At least it was her bra, mine would have killed the kid. 138 00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:25,422 We could drive our truck to my uncle's lumber yard in the morning... 139 00:08:25,588 --> 00:08:27,007 ...and get wood for the barn. 140 00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:29,300 There seems to be plenty of wood right here. 141 00:08:29,468 --> 00:08:30,552 Oh, hello. 142 00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:34,389 Don't be embarrassed, Jacob. 143 00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:37,267 It's perfectly natural when you're exposed to new things. 144 00:08:37,433 --> 00:08:41,855 The first time I saw a picture of those fat twins on scooters, I was hard for days. 145 00:08:42,730 --> 00:08:45,067 Why don't you go outside and play with the horse? 146 00:08:45,234 --> 00:08:46,985 BOTH: Okay. 147 00:08:47,152 --> 00:08:49,488 And thank you for letting us stay at your place. 148 00:08:49,654 --> 00:08:50,905 Your home is dope. 149 00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:53,033 You don't even know what that means. 150 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,701 It's hipster talk, Jacob, and it's awesome. 151 00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:00,874 Are we sure this is a good idea? 152 00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,583 You saw how turned on he was. 153 00:09:02,750 --> 00:09:05,962 He was practically raising a barn in his pants. 154 00:09:06,129 --> 00:09:08,173 We're fine. They're fine. 155 00:09:08,340 --> 00:09:12,009 Just a typical male reaction to a couple of hot cougars like us. 156 00:09:12,177 --> 00:09:14,263 (GROWLS) 157 00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:18,057 You know what isn't a typical male reaction? 158 00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:20,936 Not calling or texting a girl you're interested in. 159 00:09:21,102 --> 00:09:24,105 -Well, why don't you just text Andy then? -What should I text? 160 00:09:24,273 --> 00:09:26,774 "Why so gay, question mark"? 161 00:09:26,984 --> 00:09:30,070 I don't know. The only thing I've ever texted to a guy is: 162 00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:33,490 "There's a cop behind you, walk past me." 163 00:09:34,365 --> 00:09:38,828 -Just say "hey." -Okay, I can do that. 164 00:09:39,705 --> 00:09:44,209 "Hey." Huh. It autocorrected to "gay." 165 00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:50,716 Even the phone's getting that vibe. There, sent it. "Hey." 166 00:09:50,881 --> 00:09:53,051 -Do you think I could grab a beer? -Yes. 167 00:09:53,217 --> 00:09:56,721 -No. -Look, they're working for us for free. 168 00:09:56,888 --> 00:09:59,725 -One beer each. -Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. 169 00:09:59,890 --> 00:10:02,269 You can't give underage kids beer in our home. 170 00:10:02,436 --> 00:10:05,022 Why? Isn't that what love is? 171 00:10:06,731 --> 00:10:09,650 Jebediah, beer is the devil's saliva. 172 00:10:09,817 --> 00:10:11,320 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 173 00:10:11,485 --> 00:10:14,280 Neighbors come a-calling after midnight in Williamsburg? 174 00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:17,658 Where is this William? I'd like to compliment him on his burg. 175 00:10:17,868 --> 00:10:20,370 Hi, girls, I just came down for a cupca-- 176 00:10:21,580 --> 00:10:26,375 Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold on! 177 00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:30,547 Who are the two cute puppies in the kitchen? 178 00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:32,381 Look at you two. 179 00:10:32,548 --> 00:10:34,717 You are the cutest little things. 180 00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:38,596 Yes, you are. Ooh! And this one has erection. 181 00:10:44,186 --> 00:10:49,607 Jacob, don't look directly at her, she's like an eclipse with boobs. 182 00:10:50,232 --> 00:10:54,488 Sorry, girls, I didn't mean to interrupt your lover's session. 183 00:10:54,653 --> 00:10:57,032 Sophie, they're just here to build a barn. 184 00:10:57,198 --> 00:11:00,869 Oh, sure. Heh-heh. Wink, wink. 185 00:11:01,035 --> 00:11:03,496 Building a barn. Is that what we're calling it now? 186 00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:05,456 Wink, wink. Heh-heh. 187 00:11:05,624 --> 00:11:08,876 Caroline's telling the truth, Sophie. It's strictly business. 188 00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:12,464 Oh, so you're paying for them? 189 00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:16,592 Okay. Ooh-la-la! 190 00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:21,181 How much do they cost? Because, yeah, I also need a barn. 191 00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:23,557 Wink, wink. Heh-heh. 192 00:11:23,725 --> 00:11:25,559 Well, here's your cupcake, good night. 193 00:11:25,726 --> 00:11:28,687 Oh, but I want to play with the puppies. 194 00:11:29,898 --> 00:11:32,359 It's very late, you can come back in the morning. 195 00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,027 Oh. 196 00:11:34,193 --> 00:11:38,948 This is like when they canceled Christmas in my village. 197 00:11:39,865 --> 00:11:43,412 Look. Look at his pants. That one misses me. 198 00:11:45,413 --> 00:11:47,456 Nighty-night, puppies. 199 00:11:51,043 --> 00:11:52,504 (CELL PHONE CHIMES) 200 00:11:52,671 --> 00:11:53,879 That must be Andy. 201 00:11:55,465 --> 00:11:58,384 Emojis? He sent me emojis? 202 00:11:58,552 --> 00:12:03,306 All I get back are tiny little pictures when I spent the time and energy to write "hey"? 203 00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:06,684 Rainbow, dollar sign, muffin. Could be worse. 204 00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:10,563 I once got naked guy, naked girl, tombstone. 205 00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:13,732 I wasn't sure what it meant, but I immediately got tested. 206 00:12:16,193 --> 00:12:20,782 Yep, Chestnut, pretty soon you'll be safe and sound with a roof over your head... 207 00:12:20,948 --> 00:12:22,826 ...and you and I can finally be safe... 208 00:12:22,993 --> 00:12:26,745 ...from the unending torment of that condom-throwing cat. 209 00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:28,956 CAROLINE: All ready for my second date. 210 00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:34,462 Slut, party of one. Slut, party of one. 211 00:12:34,629 --> 00:12:38,674 You know it. Plus, I'm taking him to that bar where only cheap girls go to get laid. 212 00:12:38,841 --> 00:12:40,302 You know, the one you like. 213 00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:43,721 Oh, the Just Slip It Inn. 214 00:12:43,889 --> 00:12:47,558 And if that place plus this outfit doesn't put his pedal to my metal... 215 00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:49,311 ...it's clearly never happening. 216 00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:52,105 Well, that outfit's sexy, but not foolproof. 217 00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:55,107 Oh, it's not? Follow me, please. 218 00:12:58,278 --> 00:12:59,988 Jacob? 219 00:13:01,655 --> 00:13:03,325 And I'm not saying I'm that hot... 220 00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:07,162 ...but I've never seen anybody drop wood and get wood at the same time. 221 00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:10,789 Hey, baby. Mama's gonna get day laid. 222 00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:15,253 Max, would it be okay if we take our shirts off? 223 00:13:15,419 --> 00:13:17,172 -We're sweating and-- -Yes. 224 00:13:17,338 --> 00:13:19,966 I mean, sure, whatever, if you want to. 225 00:13:23,345 --> 00:13:26,889 Oh, crap, I don't have any ones. 226 00:13:27,057 --> 00:13:29,017 Could you spray me with the water bottle? 227 00:13:29,183 --> 00:13:31,644 Oh, right. Oh, I'm gonna spray you. 228 00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,687 Is that what you think is gonna happen? 229 00:13:33,855 --> 00:13:35,815 I'm gonna spray you and get turned on... 230 00:13:35,981 --> 00:13:39,735 ...then I'll start spraying stutter-stud, and then we're all having sex? 231 00:13:39,903 --> 00:13:43,948 No, Max, I got them. Here you go, puppies. 232 00:13:47,034 --> 00:13:48,912 Oh, now I wet the shy one. 233 00:13:52,874 --> 00:13:56,919 Oh, and boys, I'm gonna need you to come up here next and fix something... 234 00:13:57,086 --> 00:13:59,297 ...because it broke. 235 00:13:59,463 --> 00:14:00,548 What's broken? 236 00:14:00,715 --> 00:14:02,801 Oh.... 237 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:06,929 (CRASH) 238 00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:09,099 That. 239 00:14:09,474 --> 00:14:12,394 (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS) 240 00:14:13,687 --> 00:14:15,145 Look at the couple behind us. 241 00:14:15,312 --> 00:14:17,982 I mean, save some for the men's room stall, am I right? 242 00:14:19,024 --> 00:14:21,110 I'm having a really good time. 243 00:14:21,278 --> 00:14:24,197 -What? -I'm having a really good time! 244 00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:28,409 I think we need more drinks. Would you like a Jack and Coke? 245 00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:30,495 Or maybe just a Jack? 246 00:14:35,667 --> 00:14:37,501 (CELL PHONE RINGS) 247 00:14:39,044 --> 00:14:41,965 Oh, no. If you're calling me, then the date's not going well. 248 00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:45,509 I'm not crazy. He did hunt me down and beg me to go out with him. 249 00:14:45,677 --> 00:14:49,096 Nothing again? Well, maybe he's not feeling that place. 250 00:14:49,264 --> 00:14:50,307 He's the only one. 251 00:14:50,472 --> 00:14:54,184 It's so horny here I'm about to have sex with the couple at the next table... 252 00:14:54,351 --> 00:14:56,687 ...and they're both redheads, which is so gross. 253 00:14:56,855 --> 00:14:59,857 Hold on a second. Um, hey, guys. 254 00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:04,195 -Yeah? -Perfect, thanks. 255 00:15:04,361 --> 00:15:06,530 I mean, why did he even ask me out again? 256 00:15:06,697 --> 00:15:09,366 -Well, I kind of might of have said something. -Max! 257 00:15:09,533 --> 00:15:13,203 Now, I'm even more humiliated. You forced a gay guy to go out with me? 258 00:15:13,370 --> 00:15:16,875 Who am I, the girl with lupus at the prom? 259 00:15:17,042 --> 00:15:18,835 Andy is not gay. 260 00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:22,630 He hasn't said one mean thing about strangers while I've been around him. 261 00:15:22,797 --> 00:15:26,216 Well, then he's paralyzed from the waist down and hides it by walking. 262 00:15:26,384 --> 00:15:27,469 (SIGHS) 263 00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:29,803 -Okay, that's it. I'm leaving. -No, don't. 264 00:15:29,971 --> 00:15:32,807 I'll come there. Maybe it'll help. You two were really hot... 265 00:15:32,974 --> 00:15:35,351 -...when I was standing between you. -True. 266 00:15:35,518 --> 00:15:38,145 Okay, and hurry. I don't wanna go home with the redheads. 267 00:15:38,312 --> 00:15:40,731 Why do they even let them in here? 268 00:15:40,899 --> 00:15:43,025 Leaving here is probably a good idea anyway. 269 00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:47,447 If I stay any longer, I'm gonna do something I'll have to pretend to regret. 270 00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:56,288 Whoa! How weird running into you guys here at my favorite bar... 271 00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:58,750 ...that I come to all the time just because. 272 00:16:00,335 --> 00:16:03,462 -Hi, Andy. These guys are our friends. -We're Amish. 273 00:16:03,629 --> 00:16:05,005 Awesome band name. 274 00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:08,509 -Max, why did you bring them? -I was afraid to leave them home. 275 00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:12,263 Sophie was running out of things to break in her apartment. 276 00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:14,640 -So, what are you guys drinking? -Beer. 277 00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:16,684 Shut it, Jacob, or I will smite thee. 278 00:16:16,850 --> 00:16:18,186 Wait, uh, I'll go with you. 279 00:16:18,352 --> 00:16:21,690 FYI, I'm leaving with the redheads in five minutes. 280 00:16:23,732 --> 00:16:25,693 Hi. Can I get a pitcher of tap, please? 281 00:16:26,403 --> 00:16:28,196 Would you like to dance, Caroline? 282 00:16:28,363 --> 00:16:31,490 Oh, thank you, but that is so not my thing. 283 00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:35,828 And besides, that's not so much a dance floor as an STD mosh pit. 284 00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:37,163 Awesome. 285 00:16:38,623 --> 00:16:40,207 So she called you, right? 286 00:16:40,375 --> 00:16:42,836 I saw her talking on the phone using hand gestures. 287 00:16:43,001 --> 00:16:44,796 I figured it was about the date. 288 00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:47,841 Hey, I'm gonna try and put this as politely as I can... 289 00:16:48,006 --> 00:16:50,759 ...but what the hell is wrong with you? Make a move. 290 00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:54,013 -Max, I really like her, but.... -What is the "but"? 291 00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:58,143 -But she's Caroline Channing. -And you're Andy Something. So? 292 00:16:58,308 --> 00:17:00,937 I'm Andy Something who owns a small candy store... 293 00:17:01,104 --> 00:17:05,066 -...and she was practically a princess. -Was. Was a princess. 294 00:17:05,232 --> 00:17:10,279 Now she has five pairs of underwear and hasn't done laundry in eight days. 295 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:14,451 Max, honestly, I mean, I used those stupid emojis to buy time... 296 00:17:14,616 --> 00:17:17,953 ...to figure out what I wanted to say. That's why emojis exist. 297 00:17:18,121 --> 00:17:22,584 So guys like me don't have to say, "I'm not good enough. I sell gum." 298 00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:25,377 She's the same girl you met in your candy store. 299 00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:29,465 No, she's not. That was just a regular pretty Williamsburg girl. 300 00:17:29,632 --> 00:17:32,218 Now she's refined rich Caroline Channing. 301 00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:39,392 He thinks you're rich and refined. 302 00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:42,311 -It's a real boner blocker. -What? 303 00:17:42,479 --> 00:17:44,730 He found out who you were and he's intimidated. 304 00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:48,151 You have to act cheap and unrefined. It's the only way. 305 00:17:49,193 --> 00:17:51,779 Here we go. I also ordered you guys some nachos. 306 00:17:51,945 --> 00:17:54,782 No jalapenos, I know that's the devil's garnish. 307 00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:58,952 Great. Nachos. They're so low-rent, like me. 308 00:17:59,119 --> 00:18:04,083 But first, I'm gonna chug some draft beer like I always do. 309 00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:11,965 And now I'm gonna freak dance. Slut, party of one. 310 00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:15,511 Come on, Jacob, I'm gonna tear that ass up. 311 00:18:16,846 --> 00:18:17,888 You are? 312 00:18:18,056 --> 00:18:20,474 (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS) 313 00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:25,980 Really think we about to end it Like that 314 00:18:26,146 --> 00:18:29,692 Really think we about to end it Like that 315 00:18:31,027 --> 00:18:33,988 See. That's not special at all. 316 00:18:34,739 --> 00:18:37,951 We up in the party Like that 317 00:18:38,116 --> 00:18:41,996 Really think we about to end it Like that 318 00:18:42,163 --> 00:18:45,541 Really think we about to end it Like that 319 00:18:45,708 --> 00:18:50,547 Oh, my God, call the paramedics! I danced an Amish boy to death! 320 00:18:53,007 --> 00:18:54,592 (SIREN WAILS) 321 00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:03,142 Look at poor Jacob. I feel awful. 322 00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:06,563 It was just a panic attack coupled with his first orgasm. 323 00:19:06,729 --> 00:19:08,772 The paramedics said he'll be fine. 324 00:19:08,940 --> 00:19:12,026 I think that's what they said. It was hard to hear over all their laughing. 325 00:19:12,192 --> 00:19:13,987 (CELL PHONE CHIMES) 326 00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:21,493 More emojis from Andy. Christmas tree, fireworks, martini glass. 327 00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:25,498 -Okay. That's it. I'm done. -Well, here he comes. 328 00:19:27,416 --> 00:19:30,545 -What is this supposed to mean? -Oh, that? That means.... 329 00:19:37,175 --> 00:19:39,596 I love emojis. 330 00:19:39,761 --> 00:19:42,181 I think my work here is done. 331 00:19:43,473 --> 00:19:47,936 Max, I'm gonna go with Jacob in that thing we wouldn't let take our grandmother. 332 00:19:48,104 --> 00:19:51,356 And I just wanted to say goodbye and thank you for everything. 333 00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:55,028 You built us a barn, we almost killed your friend, I'd say we're even. 334 00:19:55,193 --> 00:19:58,280 Jacob says he's gonna go home, but I met this girl in the bar... 335 00:19:58,448 --> 00:20:01,451 ...whose roommate overdosed yesterday, so there's a spare room. 336 00:20:01,617 --> 00:20:04,412 -I've decided to stay. -Cool. 337 00:20:04,953 --> 00:20:08,540 So got any words of wisdom for a kid trying to make it in the world? 338 00:20:09,250 --> 00:20:10,710 No, do you? 339 00:20:10,876 --> 00:20:15,213 Look, just know you're gonna struggle for a while. Someone's gonna ask what time it is. 340 00:20:15,381 --> 00:20:18,300 When you look at your watch, he's gonna put his penis on you. 341 00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:21,386 But like Dan Savage says, it gets better. 342 00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:24,766 It hasn't for me, so maybe that only applies to questioning teens. 343 00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:27,268 In short, there's really no point to anything... 344 00:20:27,434 --> 00:20:31,772 ...but sometimes you get to eat candy or have sex and that's when it all feels right. 345 00:20:33,732 --> 00:20:35,026 (CAT MEOWS) 346 00:20:35,192 --> 00:20:36,402 Oh, no. 347 00:20:38,570 --> 00:20:39,697 Caroline, the cat. 348 00:20:41,865 --> 00:20:43,785 I'm on my own. Fine. 349 00:20:46,537 --> 00:20:50,959 Oh, no, you bastard. Not tonight. It is not going down tonight. 350 00:20:51,125 --> 00:20:53,377 (YOWLS AND HISSES) 351 00:20:55,171 --> 00:20:56,547 All right, you win this one. 352 00:20:56,713 --> 00:20:58,257 (WHIMPERS) 353 00:21:27,703 --> 00:21:29,705 English - US - SDH