1 00:00:00,459 --> 00:00:05,464 This is it, Max. The first private party we've booked in our cupcake shop. 2 00:00:06,589 --> 00:00:11,345 What? You said it was a private party. And this is a party I keep near my privates. 3 00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:14,724 Fine, but they can't smell it on your breath, so eat a mint after. 4 00:00:14,890 --> 00:00:18,686 No need. It's peppermint schnapps, because I think ahead. 5 00:00:18,853 --> 00:00:21,439 I think this calls for a first party dance. 6 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:22,690 (SINGSONGY) First party. 7 00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:26,359 Who gonna have a first party? We gonna have a first party. 8 00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,070 That's the same dance you did... 9 00:00:28,236 --> 00:00:31,740 ...when the Humane Society sent you free puppy address labels. 10 00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:33,491 (SINGSONGY) Address labels. 11 00:00:33,658 --> 00:00:37,287 Who got doggies on an envelope? Who got doggies on an envelope? 12 00:00:37,454 --> 00:00:41,584 (SINGSONGY) I need another sip of this. Wish I had something stronger. 13 00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:43,793 (IN NORMAL VOICE) Max, I'm sorry. I can't help it. 14 00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:47,465 I'm just so excited my genius marketing ideas are finally starting to pay off. 15 00:00:47,631 --> 00:00:48,673 (CHILDREN YELLING) 16 00:00:48,841 --> 00:00:50,801 Quiet! Quiet! 17 00:00:50,968 --> 00:00:54,095 Quiet! Quiet! 18 00:00:54,764 --> 00:00:59,310 If you aren't listening, Cupcake Max can't teach you how to decorate. 19 00:01:02,188 --> 00:01:03,564 (ALL LAUGHING) 20 00:01:13,698 --> 00:01:18,037 It's weird how sex is so great and yet it makes these. 21 00:01:33,593 --> 00:01:35,471 Ho, ho, ho. 22 00:01:35,638 --> 00:01:37,890 Talking to you, Max. 23 00:01:38,057 --> 00:01:39,724 I know. What's up, Andy? 24 00:01:39,891 --> 00:01:42,478 I brought some Christmas candy from my shop for the diner. 25 00:01:42,645 --> 00:01:43,646 Oh. 26 00:01:47,358 --> 00:01:49,652 Look, Max, Santa did come. 27 00:01:49,819 --> 00:01:52,403 From just a kiss? 28 00:01:52,570 --> 00:01:55,365 Well, you didn't see what she was doing with her hands. 29 00:01:56,033 --> 00:01:59,703 I taught her that. That's my gift to you. Merry Christmas. 30 00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:03,748 Hey, is, uh, everything okay with your shop? 31 00:02:03,915 --> 00:02:07,126 The landlord came into my store and mentioned you hadn't paid rent. 32 00:02:07,293 --> 00:02:10,213 -If there's a problem, I'd be happy to help. -We don't have-- 33 00:02:10,381 --> 00:02:15,343 Don't have a clue why our online payments just never go through. Technology, right? 34 00:02:15,510 --> 00:02:20,056 You used to be able to shake the mailman's hand. Now it's all holograms and lasers. 35 00:02:20,223 --> 00:02:23,018 Grandma's right, those were the days. 36 00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:25,396 It was a more honest time. 37 00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:29,900 Okay. Well, I gotta go. A kiss for Caroline. 38 00:02:31,443 --> 00:02:35,155 Oh, that was a new kind of kiss. I liked it. 39 00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:36,699 Max taught me. 40 00:02:39,784 --> 00:02:41,871 What's with the lies? Tell him the truth. 41 00:02:42,037 --> 00:02:46,040 We can't pay our rent, life sucks, and you need wine before oral. 42 00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:50,753 No need. We still have two other private parties set up for this month: 43 00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:54,966 The quinceanera for that pregnant girl, and then her baby shower. 44 00:02:55,134 --> 00:02:56,551 Plus the holidays are coming. 45 00:02:56,718 --> 00:03:00,472 So we should get our decorations up ASAP or Santa won't know where to find us. 46 00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:01,973 He'll know where to find us. 47 00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:05,436 We'll be the two evicted girls eating fruitcake out of a Dumpster. 48 00:03:06,103 --> 00:03:09,439 Oh, look, here comes one of the reindeers now. 49 00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:13,610 You look like a Korean coatrack. 50 00:03:15,862 --> 00:03:19,240 Everybody can stop looking. We found the Grinch. 51 00:03:20,617 --> 00:03:23,662 No wonder it's so angry. It's working for minimum wage. 52 00:03:27,415 --> 00:03:29,877 Oh, you're hanging the Christmas decorations. 53 00:03:30,044 --> 00:03:32,921 -I already put up the mistletoe. -Where? 54 00:03:34,088 --> 00:03:37,175 Let's just say it's very well-hung. 55 00:03:40,638 --> 00:03:44,974 Well, all my checks are in, so I have to run and make a cupcake delivery. 56 00:03:45,141 --> 00:03:48,103 Put this in the till. I did a cupcake run last night too. 57 00:03:48,270 --> 00:03:50,772 Wait, who orders cupcakes at 2 a.m.? 58 00:03:50,939 --> 00:03:52,775 Um, my friends. 59 00:03:52,942 --> 00:03:56,319 -You don't have any friends. -I have so many friends. 60 00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:59,031 -Who are your friends? -Some people I know. 61 00:03:59,198 --> 00:04:02,617 -Then how come I've never met them? -Well, they don't like you. 62 00:04:02,784 --> 00:04:04,036 But they don't know me. 63 00:04:04,203 --> 00:04:06,455 They don't like what they've heard about you. 64 00:04:06,955 --> 00:04:08,873 Who would they hear things from but you? 65 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:13,044 Maybe from my other group of friends. They don't like you either. Later. 66 00:04:17,675 --> 00:04:21,261 Max, you can turn around. That's right, I followed you. 67 00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:28,226 Sorry for following you. It's just, you have the hair and jacket of a woman. 68 00:04:28,394 --> 00:04:30,187 In a good way. 69 00:04:30,646 --> 00:04:34,233 Did you actually think that was me? My beard is much thicker. 70 00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:38,362 Where are we going? Why are we in this seedy building that smells like marijuana? 71 00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:41,115 Oh, my God, is this where your mom lives? 72 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:44,117 You think my mom lives indoors? 73 00:04:44,283 --> 00:04:48,163 Look, for the last few nights, my dealer calls me after she sells pot to people. 74 00:04:48,329 --> 00:04:50,790 And then I sell those people the munchies they need. 75 00:04:50,957 --> 00:04:53,127 Max, this is New York. That's illegal. 76 00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:55,420 No, giant sodas are illegal. 77 00:04:55,586 --> 00:04:57,755 This is me selling cupcakes to make our rent. 78 00:04:57,923 --> 00:04:59,716 And besides, it's not a big deal. 79 00:04:59,882 --> 00:05:03,302 Pot's legal in Washington, Massachusetts, Colorado, and California. 80 00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:06,264 Thank you for the stoner's summary of the last election... 81 00:05:06,432 --> 00:05:09,851 ...but we don't live in those places and I don't approve of pot at all. 82 00:05:10,019 --> 00:05:13,980 It makes people lazy and lethargic, and drains all one's ambitions. 83 00:05:14,148 --> 00:05:15,565 God, you're fun. 84 00:05:16,899 --> 00:05:18,776 Look, on the other side of this door... 85 00:05:18,944 --> 00:05:21,779 ...is money to help us make the $600 more we need for rent. 86 00:05:21,947 --> 00:05:23,365 It's totally up to you. 87 00:05:23,531 --> 00:05:25,951 Should I knock, or not knock? 88 00:05:26,117 --> 00:05:28,995 -What's good, Max? -Hey, Keefer. This is my friend Caroline. 89 00:05:29,163 --> 00:05:33,709 Pleasure, my goddess. Come on in. I just broke out some dank nugs. 90 00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:37,004 Oh, thanks, but we actually just had some dank nugs. 91 00:05:37,629 --> 00:05:40,215 First of all, that's your new nickname. 92 00:05:40,382 --> 00:05:44,511 And, Keefer, I don't wanna rush you, but me and Dank Nugs have to get home. 93 00:05:44,677 --> 00:05:47,139 Okay, cool. I'll be right back with the cash. 94 00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:49,725 Second-hand smoke, second-hand smoke. 95 00:05:49,891 --> 00:05:52,060 Second-hand nerd, second-hand nerd. 96 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:55,689 Here you go. They were feeling kind of generous. 97 00:05:55,855 --> 00:05:58,858 -Nice to meet you, Nugs. -Nice meeting you too. 98 00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:00,778 Peace. 99 00:06:01,653 --> 00:06:03,697 There, 100 bucks. 100 00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:06,240 Oh, my God, Max, that's a 100-dollar bill. 101 00:06:06,408 --> 00:06:09,411 How easy was that? And we didn't even have to open the shop. 102 00:06:09,577 --> 00:06:11,497 What is the problem with doing this? 103 00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:15,125 You're right, I overreacted. We're not selling pot. We sell cupcakes. 104 00:06:15,291 --> 00:06:17,752 We didn't break any laws. Nothing illegal about it. 105 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:19,129 Move! Move! Move! 106 00:06:19,295 --> 00:06:21,923 -I didn't know! I didn't know! -Go! Go! Go! Keep going! 107 00:06:22,091 --> 00:06:24,468 -Police! -Go! Go now! 108 00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:27,805 Put the meth down! Put the meth down! 109 00:06:29,764 --> 00:06:30,807 What's up? 110 00:06:33,143 --> 00:06:34,812 Move! Go! Go! Get him out! Let's go! 111 00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:36,896 Bring him out! Go! Go! Go! 112 00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:40,358 I told you not to get involved with drugs! I told you! 113 00:06:40,526 --> 00:06:44,153 Shut it, Carol! Shut it! 114 00:06:47,990 --> 00:06:49,909 I can't believe that just happened. 115 00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:53,913 I know, it's like, let it go, Carol. 116 00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:56,667 We're done with drugs. I was right. 117 00:06:56,834 --> 00:07:00,504 And now you know why my friends don't like you. 118 00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:05,634 And remember, we do private parties, wedding parties, birthday parties-- 119 00:07:05,843 --> 00:07:08,345 There's a dozen. What's the special occasion? 120 00:07:08,512 --> 00:07:10,389 My cat died. 121 00:07:11,223 --> 00:07:14,893 We also do funerals, divorces... 122 00:07:15,060 --> 00:07:17,896 ...and sad Friday nights alone. 123 00:07:18,062 --> 00:07:19,939 Thank you. 124 00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:21,942 Okay, so that's 48 more dollars. 125 00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:25,696 -Now all we need is-- -For 72 more cats to die. 126 00:07:25,862 --> 00:07:27,781 There's no need to kill imaginary cats. 127 00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:31,701 Let's just send out positive energy, and the universe will provide. 128 00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:35,038 Swing and a miss, universe. 129 00:07:35,872 --> 00:07:39,293 Surprise. I was in the neighborhood. Thought I'd stop by and say hello. 130 00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:42,086 Any other circumstance, I'd say, "Never do that again." 131 00:07:42,254 --> 00:07:44,840 But today I'm saying, "How many cupcakes do you want?" 132 00:07:45,007 --> 00:07:46,884 Think of a number between 10 and 20. 133 00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:49,386 I'm kind of trying to watch my waist. 134 00:07:49,552 --> 00:07:52,389 Well, you're closer to it than most people. 135 00:07:55,057 --> 00:07:56,894 I'm gonna start you with 12 cupcakes. 136 00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:58,937 Full price, because you're family. 137 00:07:59,103 --> 00:08:00,146 (PHONE RINGS) 138 00:08:00,314 --> 00:08:03,483 Oh, my God. The phone ringing and a customer at the same time? 139 00:08:03,649 --> 00:08:05,151 See, Max? It's all happening. 140 00:08:05,319 --> 00:08:08,988 Between the money we just got last night and that quinceanera/baby shower... 141 00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:10,574 ...we're gonna make our rent. 142 00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:13,492 Max's Homemade Cupcakes. Oh, hola , Estella. 143 00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:15,829 Si , the quinceanera/baby shower. 144 00:08:16,579 --> 00:08:17,747 Qué? 145 00:08:17,915 --> 00:08:20,334 Oh, no. Deported? 146 00:08:21,418 --> 00:08:25,422 Oh, you can't afford it, heh, heh. 147 00:08:27,925 --> 00:08:29,593 My mal , heh. 148 00:08:29,759 --> 00:08:33,304 Well, sorry, it didn't work out. Gracias for calling. 149 00:08:33,471 --> 00:08:36,057 That's disappointing, but we should've seen it coming. 150 00:08:36,225 --> 00:08:38,518 She couldn't afford condoms either. 151 00:08:40,062 --> 00:08:43,774 It's cool. I'll just call Keefer and try to do a couple more cupcake runs. 152 00:08:43,941 --> 00:08:47,778 No, that's not cool, that's dangerous. It'll all work out. 153 00:08:47,945 --> 00:08:50,029 Know what? I'll just go over and ask Andy... 154 00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:53,616 ...if he'll float us cash till the holiday rush kicks in. He did offer. 155 00:08:53,783 --> 00:08:58,038 We should put up some Christmas lights, a menorah for Chanukah, and for Kwanzaa.... 156 00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:01,958 While I'm gone, why don't you Wikipedia Kwanzaa? 157 00:09:03,751 --> 00:09:07,839 Well, here's the first eight. And how many cupcakes would you like to go? 158 00:09:08,005 --> 00:09:10,216 I'm thinking of a number between 40 and 50. 159 00:09:10,384 --> 00:09:13,345 How come you never push the food at the diner like this? 160 00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:16,472 Oh, that's where I know you from. 161 00:09:18,808 --> 00:09:20,644 Start eating. 162 00:09:27,192 --> 00:09:30,111 I didn't do it. It's so not hot. He's my boyfriend. 163 00:09:30,278 --> 00:09:34,908 I mean, it's not like borrowing money from family. You don't sleep with your family. 164 00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:38,202 Not all families are the same, Caroline. 165 00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:41,581 Besides, we're fine. The universe will provide. 166 00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:45,085 The universe better provide in a second, because there's the landlord. 167 00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:48,004 -He went into that Moroccan place. -What are we gonna do? 168 00:09:48,171 --> 00:09:49,423 -Hide. -What? 169 00:09:49,588 --> 00:09:52,426 -Well, I should go. -It's too late for that. 170 00:09:52,591 --> 00:09:55,928 Lock the door, hit the lights, and crawl over here, and stay low. 171 00:09:56,888 --> 00:09:59,265 Stay down till we're out of sight. 172 00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:01,100 Ow, ow, ow. 173 00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:02,394 It hurts. 174 00:10:02,561 --> 00:10:06,856 Oh, please. Like this is the first time you've been on your knees in a bathroom. 175 00:10:07,024 --> 00:10:09,192 You don't have to stay on the ground anymore. 176 00:10:09,359 --> 00:10:11,736 I feel like this is where I belong now. 177 00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:12,988 (BELLS ON DOOR RING) 178 00:10:13,154 --> 00:10:14,489 WOLF: Yo, baker girls. 179 00:10:14,655 --> 00:10:16,033 Max, he's in the shop. 180 00:10:16,198 --> 00:10:18,159 -Okay, go, out the window. -Really? 181 00:10:18,326 --> 00:10:21,245 If he can't see us, he can't evict us. Go. 182 00:10:23,789 --> 00:10:25,625 It's a little high. Are you sure? 183 00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:28,711 You've heard, "When God closes a door, he opens a window"? 184 00:10:28,879 --> 00:10:31,048 He's running from his landlord. Go. 185 00:10:32,341 --> 00:10:35,052 Okay, here goes. I love you, Max. 186 00:10:37,678 --> 00:10:39,889 What about me? What should I do? 187 00:10:40,057 --> 00:10:42,600 Put the money for those cupcakes on the counter. 188 00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:50,232 -Who are you? -Uh.... 189 00:10:50,399 --> 00:10:52,402 No hablo Inglés? 190 00:10:55,905 --> 00:11:00,076 All right, all right, good news. I just found $3 in my pocket. 191 00:11:00,243 --> 00:11:03,788 Oh, and a peanut M&M, so we don't have to spend money on dinner. 192 00:11:03,955 --> 00:11:06,957 Why are you putting it off? You know what you have to do. 193 00:11:07,125 --> 00:11:09,586 Go over to the couch. Put your hands in that crack. 194 00:11:09,753 --> 00:11:12,214 It's every poor girl's rite of passage. 195 00:11:14,298 --> 00:11:15,341 Oh! 196 00:11:15,509 --> 00:11:19,096 -What? -I think something just licked me. 197 00:11:20,471 --> 00:11:24,725 -I'll just check our purses. Here's yours. -No, I checked that. There's nothing in mine. 198 00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:28,897 Except that baggie of pot that Keefer gave me as a Christmas present. 199 00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:33,485 Max, this is not a Christmas present. This is a giant, illegal, fat sack of weed. 200 00:11:33,652 --> 00:11:37,947 Yeah, with a Rudolph sticker, which makes it a Christmas present. 201 00:11:38,115 --> 00:11:40,991 See? His nose and his eyes are red. 202 00:11:41,993 --> 00:11:44,495 I want this out of my sight. You gotta get rid of it. 203 00:11:44,663 --> 00:11:48,625 Well, it's gonna take me at least 45 minutes to smoke all that. 204 00:11:48,792 --> 00:11:52,294 Max, I'm serious. I'm not comfortable with that fat sack of weed. 205 00:11:52,461 --> 00:11:54,755 Stop saying "fat sack of weed." 206 00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:57,551 You're like someone's dad overusing the word "awesome." 207 00:11:58,969 --> 00:12:03,347 I'll put it up here, next to the half a Vicodin I was saving for New Year's. 208 00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:07,101 Oh, no, the pot! 209 00:12:07,269 --> 00:12:11,188 The pot is in the pot. It's in the butter I was using to make cupcakes. 210 00:12:11,355 --> 00:12:14,275 Maybe this is the universe telling you to stop doing drugs. 211 00:12:14,442 --> 00:12:17,946 Or is it telling us to sell them? 212 00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:23,869 Max, we are not that desperate. We're not making pot cupcakes. 213 00:12:24,034 --> 00:12:26,245 I'd rather just see what the holidays bring. 214 00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:30,125 Well, this isn't Bethlehem, it's Brooklyn. There's no frankincense and myrrh. 215 00:12:30,292 --> 00:12:32,961 There's only Franken Berry and myrrh-ijuana. 216 00:12:36,213 --> 00:12:38,841 These turned out great! Good idea, universe. 217 00:12:39,009 --> 00:12:41,510 I knew you smoked weed. 218 00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:43,929 Oh, my God. I can't believe the smell. 219 00:12:44,096 --> 00:12:47,517 It's like a skunk skunked a skunk. 220 00:12:47,683 --> 00:12:51,770 I know. It's like a Porta-Potty on the last day of Coachella. 221 00:12:52,647 --> 00:12:56,610 Oh, no, Chestnut's smelling this. I got my horse stoned. 222 00:12:56,775 --> 00:13:00,572 Oh, relax. He's just trying to fit in at school. 223 00:13:01,697 --> 00:13:04,826 Think the neighbors can smell it? Think they'll call the cops? 224 00:13:05,034 --> 00:13:09,246 Chill out. How can someone be this paranoid before they're high? 225 00:13:09,831 --> 00:13:12,208 -Here, taste this. -Max, I don't do pot. 226 00:13:12,375 --> 00:13:15,794 I tried it a couple times in college. It changed my personality. 227 00:13:15,961 --> 00:13:19,548 Then please have some pot right now. 228 00:13:19,798 --> 00:13:23,802 Come on, it's business. I need you to taste it and tell me how it is. I can't tell. 229 00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:26,847 At this point, everything I put in my mouth tastes like pot. 230 00:13:29,975 --> 00:13:32,354 Hey, it's pretty good. 231 00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:36,066 In fact, it's kind of delicious. 232 00:13:36,566 --> 00:13:40,861 We should charge 15 apiece for these. That's $540. That's our rent. 233 00:13:41,071 --> 00:13:44,615 A few more bites of that cupcake and that math would've taken two hours longer. 234 00:13:44,783 --> 00:13:46,076 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 235 00:13:46,243 --> 00:13:49,995 Oh, my God. It's the cops. It's probably that same SWAT team! 236 00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:53,832 I told you not to get involved with drugs! I told you! 237 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,753 Shut it, Caroline! Shut it! 238 00:13:57,629 --> 00:13:59,297 Relax, it's Sophie. 239 00:13:59,463 --> 00:14:03,176 Hi, girls. I got my period. 240 00:14:04,009 --> 00:14:08,847 Yeah, I got killer cramps. It's like I got a tractor in my uterus. 241 00:14:09,014 --> 00:14:10,808 We're sorry you're not feeling well. 242 00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:14,854 Yeah, you know, it's times like these I think God's a bitch. 243 00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:19,692 Wait a minute, wait a minute. 244 00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:23,113 What's that smell? 245 00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:24,447 Nothing. It's nothing. 246 00:14:24,614 --> 00:14:26,950 Maui wowie! 247 00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:31,830 Oh, you girls have been holding out on me. 248 00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:37,876 All right! Okay! This is what I'm talking about! 249 00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:40,713 Oh, my God, goodbye, killer cramps! 250 00:14:40,879 --> 00:14:43,048 Hello, pot party! 251 00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:47,386 I am picking up what you are laying down. 252 00:14:50,347 --> 00:14:53,726 I think we found our new product spokesperson. 253 00:14:57,647 --> 00:14:59,691 Here it is. I've been here once with Keefer. 254 00:14:59,857 --> 00:15:02,235 Judah's a really chill guy, kind of a tech genius. 255 00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,446 Think we can probably sell them all here. 256 00:15:04,653 --> 00:15:07,115 You okay? You haven't spoken the entire way here... 257 00:15:07,282 --> 00:15:10,909 ...which is either a side effect of the pot, or my early Christmas present. 258 00:15:11,076 --> 00:15:14,331 No, I'm fine. I feel exactly the same. It hasn't changed me at all. 259 00:15:14,998 --> 00:15:17,292 Careful with the box. You'll smear the cupcakes. 260 00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:20,294 Oh, what does it matter? We're all gonna die. 261 00:15:20,669 --> 00:15:23,380 Is this that other personality you were telling me about? 262 00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:27,719 No, it's still me. Not that I matter. None of us do. We're all gonna die. 263 00:15:28,219 --> 00:15:29,346 Oh, crap. 264 00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:32,724 Hey, Max. I was so happy that you called. 265 00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:35,225 And we're so happy you're addicted to marijuana. 266 00:15:35,684 --> 00:15:37,312 It always leads to heroin, which-- 267 00:15:37,479 --> 00:15:41,106 Leads to death. We get it. You're the one not-fun stoner. 268 00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:43,902 Guys, the chicks are here with the edibles. 269 00:15:44,068 --> 00:15:46,111 MEN: Edibles! -We're having a celebration. 270 00:15:46,278 --> 00:15:49,908 Okay, so cupcakes. They're $15 apiece, good quality. 271 00:15:50,075 --> 00:15:54,537 And, guys, we have to sell all of them or tomorrow we'll be eating out of a Dumpster. 272 00:15:54,703 --> 00:15:56,998 Does anyone have any uppers? 273 00:15:57,624 --> 00:15:59,709 I have to sit down. I mean, life. 274 00:15:59,875 --> 00:16:04,547 Ugh. I'm so tired of pretending it's all gonna be okay. It's not. 275 00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:07,841 You should get that mole checked out. I don't feel good about it. 276 00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:13,639 -This chick is freaking me out. -Take it easy. We'll just get some food in her. 277 00:16:13,807 --> 00:16:16,643 -I got a buddy on the way with pizza. -I'm sorry about her. 278 00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:21,730 It's like bringing your mother to a strip club. Not for me. That'd be taking Mom to work. Ha. 279 00:16:22,565 --> 00:16:25,860 Strippers, how about their lives? They got no way out. 280 00:16:26,027 --> 00:16:30,572 Can I talk to you before you perform an acoustic ballad about strippers with moles? 281 00:16:33,868 --> 00:16:35,327 What's the point, Max? 282 00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:38,789 Go. If you're gonna hit me, hit me. 283 00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:43,586 What is happening with you? I didn't even know blond people could be sad. 284 00:16:43,753 --> 00:16:47,256 Max, I have to tell you something. Come here. It's a secret. Come here. 285 00:16:47,756 --> 00:16:49,926 We're not gonna make it. 286 00:16:50,884 --> 00:16:53,804 You're the one always telling me everything's gonna be fine. 287 00:16:53,971 --> 00:16:56,349 Yeah, I was lying. 288 00:16:56,515 --> 00:16:58,017 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 289 00:16:59,476 --> 00:17:01,855 Where's the weed, homeslizzy? 290 00:17:02,020 --> 00:17:06,151 Perfect timing, Andy. These are the girls who are selling edibles. 291 00:17:06,776 --> 00:17:08,403 No, that's my girlfriend, Caroline. 292 00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:11,196 That sucks for you, dude. 293 00:17:13,615 --> 00:17:15,076 What are you doing here? 294 00:17:20,457 --> 00:17:22,666 She is really getting the hang of that. 295 00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:27,337 And around 4 a.m., you finally called me from an IHOP in Greenpoint... 296 00:17:27,505 --> 00:17:29,048 ...and I came and picked you up. 297 00:17:29,214 --> 00:17:30,884 You were covered in syrup, yelling: 298 00:17:31,049 --> 00:17:33,970 "The Mayans were right! The Mayans were right!" 299 00:17:36,306 --> 00:17:37,640 There's my little stoner. 300 00:17:37,807 --> 00:17:40,684 Andy, I don't get stoned. It was just last night. 301 00:17:40,852 --> 00:17:44,189 I know. You told me all about it when you called at 4 a.m. 302 00:17:44,855 --> 00:17:49,443 Sorry, and I'm mortified to ask, but did you and I have phone sex? 303 00:17:49,611 --> 00:17:50,862 That was you and me. 304 00:17:53,323 --> 00:17:55,991 Stoned Caroline's got game. 305 00:17:56,826 --> 00:17:59,996 Max told me about the rent. Why didn't you tell me you needed help? 306 00:18:00,538 --> 00:18:04,459 I guess I just didn't wanna admit to you or to myself that we're in real trouble. 307 00:18:04,625 --> 00:18:07,836 Plus being a charity instead of a girlfriend is so not hot. 308 00:18:08,003 --> 00:18:11,007 Uh, there is nothing you can do that is not hot. 309 00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:14,176 Then whatever you do, do not look at the video Max has of me... 310 00:18:14,344 --> 00:18:17,471 ...rolling around in the IHOP parking lot, covered in syrup. 311 00:18:18,138 --> 00:18:19,598 I want you to have this. 312 00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:22,434 Cash it, don't cash it. Do whatever you want. 313 00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:27,065 But just know that my success doesn't mean anything if I can't share it with you. 314 00:18:27,856 --> 00:18:34,279 Thank you. Andy, that is so amazing, and I really appreciate it, but I can't take it. 315 00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:37,366 Well, it's a win-win. At least it got your hand in my pants. 316 00:18:38,535 --> 00:18:41,287 And remember, if you ever need it, it's there. 317 00:18:41,453 --> 00:18:43,623 I'm talking about my penis. 318 00:18:50,128 --> 00:18:52,757 Andy offered to pay our rent, but I said no. 319 00:18:52,923 --> 00:18:56,426 That is the whitest thing I've ever heard. 320 00:18:56,594 --> 00:19:01,057 It was really sweet of him, but I didn't wanna take money from a man I'm sleeping with. 321 00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:03,268 Wait, are you telling me there are women... 322 00:19:03,433 --> 00:19:06,104 ...who don't take money from men they're sleeping with? 323 00:19:07,145 --> 00:19:10,357 -What's gonna happen, Max? -I don't know. 324 00:19:10,525 --> 00:19:15,404 But we do have Christmas decorations, so let's put them up. 325 00:19:15,571 --> 00:19:17,824 Wait a minute. You're the one pushing Christmas? 326 00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:19,616 Who are you, me? 327 00:19:19,784 --> 00:19:22,494 No, I still have my dignity. 328 00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:26,665 Speaking of Christmas, here are the Two and a Half Wise Men. 329 00:19:28,585 --> 00:19:31,045 -What's up? -Caroline called me last night. 330 00:19:31,211 --> 00:19:34,965 Told me that you two couldn't pay your rent, that you were losing the shop. 331 00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:38,176 (SINGSONGY) That girl can talk. 332 00:19:39,596 --> 00:19:42,097 She called me too and said you didn't have your rent. 333 00:19:42,265 --> 00:19:45,058 And also that, for sure, the rising waters of the ocean... 334 00:19:45,226 --> 00:19:47,060 ...will swallow us and kill us all. 335 00:19:49,646 --> 00:19:52,817 So we put together what we had and, here. 336 00:19:52,983 --> 00:19:55,819 Consider it an early Christmas gift from all three of us. 337 00:19:55,987 --> 00:20:00,950 Even though I gave $350, Earl gave 100 and he gave 50. 338 00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:07,039 -Thank you, but we can't take it. -Yes, you can. We're family. 339 00:20:08,458 --> 00:20:11,461 Five hundred whole dollars? Thank you, guys. 340 00:20:15,464 --> 00:20:19,218 And we have something special for you. 341 00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:25,098 What makes it special? 342 00:20:25,266 --> 00:20:28,519 The love she puts into them, man. 343 00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:37,694 You can smell the love all around her. 344 00:20:40,865 --> 00:20:43,660 You know, Max, I think we're gonna make it. 345 00:20:43,826 --> 00:20:47,497 I like not-stoned Caroline. We're gonna keep you off the drugs. 346 00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:49,414 You mean because I'm more positive? 347 00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:52,417 No, we may have to sell your urine for next month's rent... 348 00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:54,545 ...and I'm gonna need that pee clean. 349 00:20:54,711 --> 00:20:56,713 (EARL LAUGHING) 350 00:21:04,262 --> 00:21:05,597 (CASH REGISTER DINGS) 351 00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:31,289 English - US - SDH