1 00:00:01,711 --> 00:00:03,337 What's up, peanut? 2 00:00:04,921 --> 00:00:07,174 Max, I'm not paying you to just stand there. 3 00:00:07,341 --> 00:00:09,843 You're not paying me to eat as many fries as I can... 4 00:00:10,009 --> 00:00:12,721 ...before the plate leaves the kitchen, but I do that too. 5 00:00:13,430 --> 00:00:14,974 Go wait on that pretty girl. 6 00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:18,268 Oh, wait. Is she a boy? 7 00:00:18,435 --> 00:00:21,230 She looks a little like a pretty boy. 8 00:00:21,396 --> 00:00:25,067 She's probably looking at you and thinking the same thing. 9 00:00:27,945 --> 00:00:29,989 But are you attracted to the girl she is... 10 00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:31,740 ...or the boy she appears to be? 11 00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:33,993 You're confused, aren't you, Han? 12 00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:39,957 Yes, my mind tells me one thing, but my body tells me something else. 13 00:00:42,084 --> 00:00:43,878 Max, go on break. I've got the booth. 14 00:00:44,043 --> 00:00:45,545 Oh, no. You can't wait on her. 15 00:00:45,713 --> 00:00:48,006 That's Tina, a lesbian who turns straight girls. 16 00:00:48,173 --> 00:00:50,341 They call her "Tina the Turner." 17 00:00:51,761 --> 00:00:55,054 Every heterosexual woman in Williamsburg has hooked up with her. 18 00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:57,307 Max, everyone? 19 00:00:57,892 --> 00:01:01,145 Not me. Who do you think turned her? 20 00:01:01,936 --> 00:01:04,647 But you won't be able to resist her charm. Trust me. 21 00:01:04,814 --> 00:01:07,859 That's nonsense. I'm very comfortable with my sexuality. 22 00:01:08,027 --> 00:01:13,281 I once texted "Yes" to Mr. Chaz Bono on Dancing with the Stars. 23 00:01:13,823 --> 00:01:14,909 Okay, good luck. 24 00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:17,870 Just don't let me catch you guys making out on the table. 25 00:01:18,037 --> 00:01:20,539 Or do. It's a free country. 26 00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:24,251 -Hi, are you ready to order? -Sure. 27 00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:25,960 I love your hair, by the way. 28 00:01:26,670 --> 00:01:29,840 Earl, Caroline's about to fall in love with a lesbian. 29 00:01:30,007 --> 00:01:34,344 Well, color me "I saw that one coming." 30 00:01:35,094 --> 00:01:36,138 How did it go? 31 00:01:36,305 --> 00:01:39,808 Fine, she complimented my hair, she ordered a soup, I gave her my number. 32 00:01:39,974 --> 00:01:42,228 I gave her my number? 33 00:01:42,394 --> 00:01:43,728 Okay, hit the showers. 34 00:01:43,896 --> 00:01:46,272 That's what I get for sending a straight woman... 35 00:01:46,439 --> 00:01:48,484 ...to do an emotionally dead woman's job. 36 00:02:02,206 --> 00:02:04,165 It was so nice to wake up this morning... 37 00:02:04,332 --> 00:02:06,918 ...without the stress of owning our cupcake business. 38 00:02:07,085 --> 00:02:09,170 The only decision I have to make today is... 39 00:02:09,337 --> 00:02:11,924 ...do I change my underwear or turn these inside out? 40 00:02:12,550 --> 00:02:15,051 Four years ago, I was hit with a similar conundrum. 41 00:02:15,218 --> 00:02:18,264 "Do I buy underwear or do I buy beer?" 42 00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:20,473 I've been free-balling it ever since. 43 00:02:22,058 --> 00:02:23,978 What are you doing? What's happening? 44 00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:25,603 The arrow from the shop? 45 00:02:25,771 --> 00:02:28,899 I put it on so you'd know where the insults were coming from. 46 00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:32,360 I'm talking about the cupcakes. Our cupcake shop is gone. 47 00:02:32,527 --> 00:02:34,237 Why are you making those things? 48 00:02:34,405 --> 00:02:37,783 It's the only constant in my life and the routine distracts me from... 49 00:02:37,949 --> 00:02:41,495 ...the relentless darkness that lurks in every corner of my thoughts. 50 00:02:42,121 --> 00:02:45,081 We need to sell these at the diner to make extra money. 51 00:02:45,248 --> 00:02:47,126 You can do it. I'm not speaking to them. 52 00:02:47,293 --> 00:02:48,836 They totally led me on. 53 00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:50,461 Those cupcakes were a tease. 54 00:02:51,087 --> 00:02:52,798 Well, I wanna pay rent this month. 55 00:02:52,965 --> 00:02:54,216 And then again next month. 56 00:02:54,383 --> 00:02:58,012 And so on and so on until the exquisite release of death. 57 00:02:58,177 --> 00:03:02,599 Oh, rent. Here we go again. Does that bitch ever stop? 58 00:03:02,765 --> 00:03:03,808 (PHONE RINGING) 59 00:03:03,975 --> 00:03:05,394 If that's death, it's for me. 60 00:03:05,561 --> 00:03:07,854 Tell him to honk and I'll be right out. 61 00:03:09,188 --> 00:03:12,401 Morning, Chestnut. 62 00:03:13,568 --> 00:03:18,449 What is it about those big beautiful eyes that makes everything feel better? 63 00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:21,075 I guess I just have a warmth. 64 00:03:21,993 --> 00:03:23,621 Oh, you mean the horse. 65 00:03:24,747 --> 00:03:26,956 It this still good? 66 00:03:27,540 --> 00:03:29,585 It is not. 67 00:03:29,752 --> 00:03:31,836 Eh. Like I have a choice. 68 00:03:32,587 --> 00:03:34,423 Wow, that was a blast from the past. 69 00:03:34,590 --> 00:03:36,466 My old temp agency. 70 00:03:36,634 --> 00:03:38,968 Flu's got their staff laid up, they need bodies. 71 00:03:39,135 --> 00:03:41,430 Wanna do it? I bet they'll let us temp together. 72 00:03:41,597 --> 00:03:45,099 You think? You think they'd let us temp together? 73 00:03:45,266 --> 00:03:48,312 Oh, God, last week I owned a cupcake business, now I'm temping. 74 00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:51,606 Why don't I just ask Chestnut to kick me in the head? 75 00:03:52,066 --> 00:03:55,194 He won't do it. I've asked him like seven times. 76 00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:57,780 Look, we've both casually fantasized... 77 00:03:57,947 --> 00:04:00,449 ...about our deaths within 10 minutes of waking up... 78 00:04:00,616 --> 00:04:03,326 ...so maybe we should do something to distract us. 79 00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:05,663 And xeroxing will make us feel whole? 80 00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:08,289 Let me tell you something... 81 00:04:09,375 --> 00:04:15,506 ...when you're photocopying your ass on a Xerox machine, you're never more alive. 82 00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,884 Hello, old friend. 83 00:04:19,050 --> 00:04:21,552 Here it is. My temping blazer. 84 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:25,098 Ah, you can still smell the no way out. 85 00:04:25,264 --> 00:04:26,850 Why is that in a bucket? 86 00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:29,687 Because I don't wanna accidentally wear it. 87 00:04:29,853 --> 00:04:33,273 Well, is there a pantsuit in the oven I could wear? 88 00:04:33,439 --> 00:04:35,692 It doesn't matter what you wear, you're a temp. 89 00:04:35,858 --> 00:04:38,987 They'll be impressed if you don't poop your pants. 90 00:04:39,153 --> 00:04:43,158 And even if you do, not a deal breaker. 91 00:04:43,324 --> 00:04:44,409 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 92 00:04:44,576 --> 00:04:47,120 All right, but if we're temping to make our rent... 93 00:04:47,286 --> 00:04:49,122 ...that's the last batch of those. 94 00:04:49,288 --> 00:04:51,959 I don't wanna see, hear, or think any more about cupcakes. 95 00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:53,668 (SOPHIE LAUGHING) 96 00:04:55,129 --> 00:04:58,507 Ding-dong, cupcake calling. Ha-ha-ha. 97 00:05:00,341 --> 00:05:05,723 We found the cupcake costumes from your store out near the dumpster. Ha-ha. 98 00:05:05,889 --> 00:05:08,850 -Are you guys drunk? -Yes. Ha-ha-ha. 99 00:05:09,018 --> 00:05:12,437 Yeah, we've been out clubbing all night. 100 00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:13,646 (OLEG COUGHS) 101 00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:15,690 Oh, I just swallowed one of my balls. 102 00:05:15,858 --> 00:05:17,317 Yeah. 103 00:05:17,483 --> 00:05:21,697 Yeah. Well, now you know how I feel. Ha-ha-ha. 104 00:05:21,904 --> 00:05:24,365 I threw those costumes away on purpose. 105 00:05:24,533 --> 00:05:26,744 Max and I are no longer making cupcakes. 106 00:05:27,870 --> 00:05:30,247 What did you say? 107 00:05:30,413 --> 00:05:33,000 Cupcakes are a waste of time and money. 108 00:05:33,542 --> 00:05:36,336 You take that back right now! 109 00:05:36,502 --> 00:05:37,963 No, you don't.... 110 00:05:38,129 --> 00:05:42,968 You're lucky that I have a giant cake holding me back right now. 111 00:05:43,177 --> 00:05:44,511 (LAUGHING) 112 00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:52,269 Fifth floor, end of dreams. 113 00:05:52,685 --> 00:05:54,353 Oh, yeah, I've worked here before. 114 00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:57,649 You know the toaster oven in our kitchen? It came from here. 115 00:05:59,735 --> 00:06:02,237 Hi. Caroline Channing, reporting for my first day. 116 00:06:02,403 --> 00:06:05,240 I went ahead and printed out my address, Social Security... 117 00:06:05,406 --> 00:06:07,785 ...and other information to make your life easier. 118 00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:10,536 Hey, I'm temp number two. Where your bathroom at? 119 00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:12,663 I'll get Eli, he's my boss. 120 00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:16,375 Sign these stating that if you're injured on the job it's not our fault. 121 00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:18,795 How would we injure ourselves in an office? 122 00:06:19,504 --> 00:06:22,091 Let me give you a "for instance." 123 00:06:22,257 --> 00:06:25,761 Some girl, let's say her name is Sarah, is walking through the office... 124 00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:28,096 ...with her number two pencil facing up ways. 125 00:06:28,262 --> 00:06:31,141 She trips over her shoes and falls and number two pencil... 126 00:06:31,307 --> 00:06:33,810 ...goes right through her eyeball and into her brain. 127 00:06:33,976 --> 00:06:37,605 And now she's gotta eat applesauce through a straw the rest of her life. 128 00:06:37,773 --> 00:06:39,942 See, that's not our fault, that's her fault... 129 00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:43,569 ...as per the judge's decision in Sarah Drake v. Westship Insurance. 130 00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,781 Sign those. I'll get Eli. 131 00:06:46,365 --> 00:06:48,533 Thank you. I'm sorry, I didn't get your name. 132 00:06:48,699 --> 00:06:51,036 That's because I didn't give it to you. 133 00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:55,249 What are you doing? You never give anybody your real name. 134 00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:57,459 When you make your data-entry mistake.... 135 00:06:57,625 --> 00:06:59,502 ...they can't track the real you down. 136 00:06:59,670 --> 00:07:02,713 You didn't see me at the Enron trial, did you? 137 00:07:03,507 --> 00:07:07,093 And that light in your eyes? Dim it down. Way down. Show me. 138 00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:11,889 That's good. How did you do that? 139 00:07:12,057 --> 00:07:14,685 -I thought about our future. -Great. 140 00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:18,730 Eli's in a meeting, but you gotta watch this sexual harassment video. 141 00:07:18,896 --> 00:07:22,733 Watching a video is a waste of time when we could do something productive. 142 00:07:22,901 --> 00:07:24,110 A waste of time? 143 00:07:24,278 --> 00:07:26,572 Let me give you a "for instance." 144 00:07:26,737 --> 00:07:30,408 There's this Dominican guy, he's installing a new water jug in the office... 145 00:07:30,576 --> 00:07:33,411 ...and he looks at one of the female employees and says: 146 00:07:33,579 --> 00:07:38,917 "Speaking of jugs," and then he reaches up and cups the employee's breastesses... 147 00:07:39,084 --> 00:07:42,504 ...then starts twisting on the nips and what have you. 148 00:07:42,670 --> 00:07:45,090 Now, how do you handle a situation like that? 149 00:07:45,757 --> 00:07:48,177 That's actually how my longest relationship started. 150 00:07:48,343 --> 00:07:49,970 (CHUCKLES) 151 00:07:51,346 --> 00:07:53,557 DOUG (ON VIDEO): I'd love to give you that promotion, Beverly. 152 00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:55,808 But first, you'll have to do something for me. 153 00:07:55,975 --> 00:07:58,187 Don't do it, Beverly. Don't do it! 154 00:07:58,353 --> 00:08:00,730 Spoiler alert. I've watched this in here before... 155 00:08:00,898 --> 00:08:03,233 ...and it does not end well for Beverly. 156 00:08:03,399 --> 00:08:06,528 Well, not to blame the victim, but who wears a black bra to work? 157 00:08:06,694 --> 00:08:08,654 These shelves would be so much better... 158 00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:11,158 ...if they were alphabetized, color-coordinated. 159 00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:13,951 Forget that cabinet. Look at the top shelf on Beverly. 160 00:08:14,119 --> 00:08:16,038 I'm a little jelly. 161 00:08:16,204 --> 00:08:19,917 DOUG: That's right, Beverly. Now bend down and pick up that file. 162 00:08:20,082 --> 00:08:24,338 Oh, Doug, you're up to your old tricks and she falls for it every time. 163 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,673 WOMAN: Let's pause here and write down these rules... 164 00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:28,550 ...we've learned from Beverly and Doug. 165 00:08:28,716 --> 00:08:31,052 Ah. I love the smell in here. 166 00:08:31,220 --> 00:08:33,096 Reminds me of interning on Wall Street. 167 00:08:33,263 --> 00:08:36,140 You know, minus the dignity and the future. 168 00:08:36,307 --> 00:08:38,809 But why would the paper products be near the toner? 169 00:08:38,976 --> 00:08:42,272 Whoever organized this place must have been stupid or lazy or both. 170 00:08:42,438 --> 00:08:44,357 A both. 171 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:47,693 Forget all that shelf stuff. You are not here to improve layout... 172 00:08:47,860 --> 00:08:49,947 ...you're here to pretend you're working... 173 00:08:50,113 --> 00:08:52,490 ...and steal vitamin waters from the break room... 174 00:08:52,658 --> 00:08:54,451 ...at the end of each day. 175 00:08:55,826 --> 00:08:57,412 Hey. 176 00:08:57,995 --> 00:09:01,457 Are you watching dirty videos in here and didn't invite me? 177 00:09:01,625 --> 00:09:04,669 They're making harassment videos in 3D now? 178 00:09:04,836 --> 00:09:08,256 I was looking for the new temps but I wandered into a beauty pageant. 179 00:09:08,423 --> 00:09:10,716 Uh, the votes are in. It's a tie. 180 00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:13,928 I'm Eli Green, the office manager. You must be our new temps. 181 00:09:14,096 --> 00:09:17,975 -I'm Caroline Channing. -And I'm Carmen Sandiego. 182 00:09:18,642 --> 00:09:20,269 No relation. 183 00:09:21,727 --> 00:09:22,895 (CAT MEOWS ON MONITOR) 184 00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:24,605 Oh, my God, this is great. 185 00:09:24,815 --> 00:09:28,610 The cat's eating the dog's food and the dog's just like, "What?" 186 00:09:29,528 --> 00:09:33,657 Yo. Psst. "Cat eats dog food." YouTube it now. 187 00:09:33,823 --> 00:09:35,616 Kind of busy with my work. 188 00:09:35,826 --> 00:09:39,996 It's called minimum wage because you're supposed to do the minimum. 189 00:09:41,123 --> 00:09:45,001 Mm. Coffee tastes so much better when it's from today and you haven't paid for it. 190 00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:46,544 (CAT MEOWS) 191 00:09:46,711 --> 00:09:50,340 Ha! The dog's just like, "What?" Classic. 192 00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:52,301 You like that video? 193 00:09:52,466 --> 00:09:55,261 Look up "Cat versus toddler." You're welcome. 194 00:09:57,722 --> 00:10:00,100 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is this a modeling agency? 195 00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:02,394 Did I get off on the wrong floor? 196 00:10:02,561 --> 00:10:06,063 I don't care where you get off as long as it's not here. 197 00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:09,025 Hi, Eli. 198 00:10:09,192 --> 00:10:13,113 Any idea when they'll decide who's getting the junior executive promotion? 199 00:10:13,279 --> 00:10:16,033 Not yet, but I mentioned your name to the big guys, Ryan. 200 00:10:16,198 --> 00:10:18,076 -I'm Leon. -Hey, Caroline. 201 00:10:19,536 --> 00:10:22,331 Hi. Question. I finished the first-quarter claim reports. 202 00:10:22,496 --> 00:10:25,583 Are you doping? We need to stretch this out. 203 00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:27,836 And I took the liberty of reformatting... 204 00:10:28,003 --> 00:10:31,005 ...the expense template, so, what would you like me to do now? 205 00:10:31,173 --> 00:10:33,508 Say my name, say my name. Heh. 206 00:10:35,092 --> 00:10:37,553 Hey, Caroline, you're not just hot, you're on fire. 207 00:10:37,721 --> 00:10:39,889 You should be throwing your hat in the ring... 208 00:10:40,057 --> 00:10:41,767 -...for that executive job. -Really? 209 00:10:41,932 --> 00:10:44,727 And this girl's just like, "What?" 210 00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:51,985 That temp place is soul-sucking. 211 00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:54,946 And I didn't even know I had a soul to suck. 212 00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:58,533 If that's a suicide note, just add my name to the end. 213 00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:00,076 Come on, it's not that bad. 214 00:11:00,243 --> 00:11:02,662 And I got four free fresh coffee drinks. 215 00:11:02,828 --> 00:11:05,248 And one had a caramel drizzle. 216 00:11:05,414 --> 00:11:06,666 Caramel Drizzle? 217 00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:09,543 That's definitely my name at my next temp job. 218 00:11:09,711 --> 00:11:11,587 I don't know if this is such a temp job. 219 00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:14,966 I'm applying for that junior executive position. 220 00:11:15,133 --> 00:11:16,802 Oh, no, you're not. 221 00:11:16,967 --> 00:11:19,888 We're only going back one more time to get enough Wite-Out... 222 00:11:20,054 --> 00:11:22,099 ...to do the Kim Kardashian white manicure. 223 00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:25,476 Max, you saw me there today, I'm good at this. 224 00:11:25,644 --> 00:11:27,854 And it felt amazing to be working somewhere... 225 00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:30,190 ...where my skills are valued and supported. 226 00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:32,817 Oh. Are you not feeling supported here? 227 00:11:32,984 --> 00:11:35,653 I'm sorry. I'm a boss, not a bra. 228 00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:38,197 Should I praise you more? 229 00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:41,451 Really killing it with the leaning on the counter doing nothing. 230 00:11:42,994 --> 00:11:45,371 Kudos, Caroline. Huzzah. 231 00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:50,293 Hey, where's my huzzah? I was standing around doing nothing too. 232 00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:54,880 And don't forget about me. I was sitting around doing nothing. 233 00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:59,469 In Korea, you all would be left on the curb and taken away with the garbage. 234 00:11:59,635 --> 00:12:01,763 Is that how you got to America, Han? 235 00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:06,475 Earl, Caroline's being an idiot. 236 00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:08,854 Oh, we're doing this in front of her now? 237 00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:12,731 Would you still apply for that job... 238 00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:15,610 ...if I told you we sold out of the cupcakes tonight? 239 00:12:15,777 --> 00:12:16,903 Last one. 240 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:20,197 So what? They're good one day and you want me to take them back? 241 00:12:20,365 --> 00:12:22,826 Who am I, Robert Pattinson? 242 00:12:22,993 --> 00:12:26,996 So you just cut little coconut here out of your life? That's cold. 243 00:12:27,746 --> 00:12:30,207 Max, this job offers medical benefits. 244 00:12:30,375 --> 00:12:32,878 There are doctors who don't have medical benefits. 245 00:12:33,043 --> 00:12:34,379 And financial security. 246 00:12:34,546 --> 00:12:37,631 Maybe I wanna wake up every morning not wanting to kill myself. 247 00:12:37,798 --> 00:12:39,509 Well, that's weird, but whatever. 248 00:12:44,181 --> 00:12:46,557 I went to Wharton. 249 00:12:46,725 --> 00:12:50,061 Pay attention, everyone. I know you're all very busy working hard. 250 00:12:50,227 --> 00:12:52,022 MAN (ON MONITOR): You've just won a free iPad. 251 00:12:52,188 --> 00:12:53,230 (CAT MEOWING ON MONITOR) 252 00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:56,067 What the--? Ahem. Attention, everyone. 253 00:12:56,234 --> 00:13:01,447 While doing work and nothing but work I may have downloaded a virus that meows. 254 00:13:01,615 --> 00:13:04,201 So be on the lookout. 255 00:13:04,366 --> 00:13:06,160 Carry on, Eli. 256 00:13:06,327 --> 00:13:08,205 Thank you, Carmen. 257 00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:11,625 Happy to say 10th floor has picked our new junior exec... 258 00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:13,876 ...and that person is sitting right here. 259 00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:15,294 -Yes! -No. Caroline. 260 00:13:15,794 --> 00:13:17,172 -Yes! -No. 261 00:13:17,338 --> 00:13:19,256 -Champagne on me. -Yes! 262 00:13:22,009 --> 00:13:24,513 Here, I got us a fresh bottle, because I'm the boss. 263 00:13:24,678 --> 00:13:26,806 Ms. Black, would you pop that cork for me? 264 00:13:26,972 --> 00:13:29,100 I'd be happy to, Ms. Channing, you bitch. Ooh! 265 00:13:29,308 --> 00:13:30,644 (BOTH LAUGHING) 266 00:13:31,686 --> 00:13:33,480 Okay. 267 00:13:34,438 --> 00:13:37,149 Okay, okay, now I'm gonna make a proper toast. 268 00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:40,695 I don't know how, their toaster oven's in our kitchen. 269 00:13:40,903 --> 00:13:43,197 To Max. I promise not to sexually harass you... 270 00:13:43,405 --> 00:13:46,076 ...no matter how much I am required to as your superior. 271 00:13:46,243 --> 00:13:49,412 To Caroline, I cannot promise the same thing because, sister, you fine. 272 00:13:49,578 --> 00:13:50,746 Ha! 273 00:13:52,414 --> 00:13:55,668 Oh, crap! I spilled champagne on my good bucket blazer. 274 00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:58,629 (IN DEEP VOICE) "Yes, right there on your breasts, Beverly." 275 00:13:59,630 --> 00:14:02,216 (IN NORMAL VOICE) I'm doing Doug from the sexual harassment video. 276 00:14:02,424 --> 00:14:05,386 The Doug? Love your harassment work. 277 00:14:05,553 --> 00:14:08,472 Especially that sad HR scene where you get fired and cry... 278 00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:11,600 ...but still manage to touch yourself a little. 279 00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:17,190 (IN DEEP VOICE) "Wow, Beverly, your breasts are so big, I might need the whole box." 280 00:14:18,107 --> 00:14:21,193 That's enough. You're making this rag feel even dirtier. 281 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:22,821 -Hey, hand me that. -(IN NORMAL VOICE) What? 282 00:14:22,988 --> 00:14:24,864 -My new Westship company poncho? -Yep. 283 00:14:25,030 --> 00:14:26,658 Now it's my booze bib. 284 00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,326 Oh, I love this. 285 00:14:29,494 --> 00:14:31,830 Somehow it's small enough to fit in your purse... 286 00:14:31,996 --> 00:14:36,084 ...but large enough to sleep under during an Occupy-Wall-Street-type situation. 287 00:14:37,543 --> 00:14:39,461 Max, I'm pouring you more champagne... 288 00:14:39,629 --> 00:14:42,881 ...because I have something really exciting I wanna tell you. 289 00:14:43,466 --> 00:14:45,844 I talked to Eli about hiring you full-time. 290 00:14:46,010 --> 00:14:49,096 You are now a junior executive's executive assistant. 291 00:14:49,847 --> 00:14:52,975 I will knock you to the ground. 292 00:14:54,311 --> 00:14:57,187 Max, think about it. It comes with healthcare. 293 00:14:57,355 --> 00:15:01,985 You wouldn't have to decide between birth control pills and morning after pills. 294 00:15:02,152 --> 00:15:05,989 Are you trying to take away a woman's right to choose? 295 00:15:07,197 --> 00:15:10,326 Come on, it could be so fun, coming to work together... 296 00:15:10,493 --> 00:15:13,746 ...getting free coffee, the good kind, the blended kind. 297 00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:17,792 Not to mention xeroxing our asses and feeling more alive than ever. 298 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,128 Watch, I'll show you what a fun boss I can be. 299 00:15:20,294 --> 00:15:21,504 Let's go xerox our asses. 300 00:15:23,298 --> 00:15:25,799 Well, how could I say no to copying my butt? 301 00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:28,970 The only thing better than one of my butts is two of my butts. 302 00:15:29,136 --> 00:15:31,514 -I'll go first. -Too late. 303 00:15:32,514 --> 00:15:35,100 Do you want legal size paper or three-hole punch? 304 00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:39,022 Three-hole punch? That's how my longest relationship ended. 305 00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:42,650 Ready, you corporate sell-out. Fry me. 306 00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:45,070 (MACHINE WHIRRING) 307 00:15:46,363 --> 00:15:48,280 Hey. Why's it still flashing? 308 00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:51,451 Whoops. I put in a hundred copies instead of one. 309 00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:54,745 Don't worry about it, we'll use them as Christmas cards. 310 00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:57,956 See? That's why I need an assistant. 311 00:15:58,124 --> 00:16:00,960 Thanks, but I'm not gonna take this stupid corporate job. 312 00:16:01,126 --> 00:16:04,089 I'm gonna stick with cupcakes, even though you just quit. 313 00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:08,509 I didn't quit the cupcake business. If you remember, it quit us. 314 00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:11,971 At least this job makes sense. You get a regular paycheck, benefits. 315 00:16:12,138 --> 00:16:15,140 You don't spend two years of your life giving it everything... 316 00:16:15,307 --> 00:16:17,519 ...and then walk away feeling like a failure. 317 00:16:17,686 --> 00:16:21,313 Get off that now. I'm worried you're giving yourself butt cancer. 318 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:26,152 Wait. You think you're a failure? Because I think we did amazing. 319 00:16:26,318 --> 00:16:29,447 The shop closed, Max. Our dream blew up in our face. 320 00:16:29,614 --> 00:16:34,284 Lots of things blow up in your face. It's part of being a woman. 321 00:16:37,413 --> 00:16:41,418 You just towel off and keep going. 322 00:16:42,085 --> 00:16:43,128 You're gonna do this? 323 00:16:43,293 --> 00:16:47,048 This was to be a temporary distraction until we got back to the cupcake thing. 324 00:16:47,215 --> 00:16:49,509 No, Max, cupcakes were the temp job. 325 00:16:49,676 --> 00:16:51,510 No. Cupcakes were our dream. 326 00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:55,097 Well, I was wrong. Maybe it's better not to have a dream. 327 00:16:58,518 --> 00:16:59,644 Good morning, everyone. 328 00:16:59,811 --> 00:17:01,645 They said you wanted to see me in here. 329 00:17:01,812 --> 00:17:04,231 Ms. Channing, my name is Michelle Yi, I'm with HR. 330 00:17:04,523 --> 00:17:07,192 Aww. Is this my official welcome? 331 00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:09,153 (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Oh, hello. 332 00:17:09,319 --> 00:17:12,281 (IN NORMAL VOICE) Well, I brought some first-day bagels and plain cream cheese. 333 00:17:12,449 --> 00:17:15,367 Sometimes chives can be a little breathy, am I right? 334 00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:18,037 Is this the woman who sexually harassed you? 335 00:17:19,873 --> 00:17:20,957 Yup, that's her. 336 00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:24,042 Oh! 337 00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:26,171 Good one. Really funny. 338 00:17:26,336 --> 00:17:29,715 Me harassing you? Come on, you're not even my type. 339 00:17:29,883 --> 00:17:31,925 Caroline, this isn't a joke. 340 00:17:32,134 --> 00:17:34,345 Trust me, I've been through four of these. 341 00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:36,181 Wait, what's going on? 342 00:17:36,346 --> 00:17:38,641 Ms. Channing, don't address Carmen directly. 343 00:17:38,807 --> 00:17:40,018 -Max? -Max? 344 00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:43,020 Is that a pet name she has for you, Carmen? 345 00:17:43,645 --> 00:17:48,902 Yes. She also calls me Caramel Drizzle. 346 00:17:49,067 --> 00:17:52,614 Can you tell me what exactly happened with Ms. Channing last night? 347 00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:55,240 She fondled my breasts. 348 00:17:55,407 --> 00:17:57,242 Ms. Yi, it's not how it sounds. 349 00:17:57,410 --> 00:18:00,204 We were drinking and I was pretending to be a man. 350 00:18:00,371 --> 00:18:02,039 Drinking. Pretending to be a man. 351 00:18:02,207 --> 00:18:04,334 Don't write that down. 352 00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:07,461 Carmen, when Ms. Channing touched you, how did you feel? 353 00:18:07,670 --> 00:18:08,922 Dirty. 354 00:18:09,506 --> 00:18:11,633 Dirty and underpaid. 355 00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:14,928 She felt dirty? Come on, Ms. Yi, you don't know her. 356 00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:19,015 She's the dirty girl. She's a dirty, dirty girl. 357 00:18:19,557 --> 00:18:21,183 And does that turn you on? 358 00:18:21,351 --> 00:18:24,813 No! It's almost impossible to turn me on. 359 00:18:24,979 --> 00:18:27,981 Oh, good, now I don't feel so bad. 360 00:18:28,191 --> 00:18:30,276 Trust me. She is making this stuff up. 361 00:18:30,442 --> 00:18:34,239 I'm sorry, Ms. Channing, we're gonna have to terminate your employment. 362 00:18:34,404 --> 00:18:38,326 This is outrageous. Nothing she said ever happened. 363 00:18:38,492 --> 00:18:41,412 Then how do you explain this? 364 00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:45,083 That is a copy from a Xerox machine badly in need of toner... 365 00:18:45,250 --> 00:18:48,419 ...which is one of the oversights that would not have continued... 366 00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:51,756 ...had I been made an executive here. Good day. 367 00:18:54,843 --> 00:18:56,845 I don't know what she's talking about. 368 00:18:57,010 --> 00:19:00,890 That butt couldn't be any toner. Write that down, write that down. 369 00:19:01,057 --> 00:19:03,101 Can I get a peek at that? 370 00:19:10,482 --> 00:19:14,112 -How are you tonight, Caroline? -Angry, frustrated, humiliated. 371 00:19:14,278 --> 00:19:16,405 Just another Tuesday at the diner. 372 00:19:17,865 --> 00:19:21,493 Hello, Carmen, or is it Caramel Drizzle? 373 00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:25,330 Just so you know, that stunt will go on my professional work record. 374 00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:29,085 Oh, please, this diner's on your professional work record. 375 00:19:29,251 --> 00:19:30,711 And your record's clean. 376 00:19:30,878 --> 00:19:35,258 Eli expunged it because I gave him a couple of my ass xeroxes. 377 00:19:35,424 --> 00:19:38,260 He's laminating them and using them as place mats. My idea. 378 00:19:39,304 --> 00:19:42,097 For what, Max? Why'd you get me fired? 379 00:19:42,265 --> 00:19:44,017 Why'd I get you fired? 380 00:19:44,182 --> 00:19:46,978 Well, let me give you a "for instance." 381 00:19:48,395 --> 00:19:51,023 I once knew this girl who was so used to not failing... 382 00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:53,651 ...that the first time she did she got so scared... 383 00:19:53,817 --> 00:19:56,487 ...she forgot who she was and tried to be somebody else. 384 00:19:56,653 --> 00:19:58,780 And then she touched my breastesses. 385 00:19:59,615 --> 00:20:02,492 It's cool if you don't wanna join in on the cupcake dream. 386 00:20:02,660 --> 00:20:06,830 But at least wait until you find another, don't hop on the first one that comes along. 387 00:20:06,998 --> 00:20:08,875 It's a dream, not a man. 388 00:20:09,584 --> 00:20:11,669 See? You are a dirty girl. 389 00:20:11,836 --> 00:20:14,797 I'm a dirty, dirty girl. 390 00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:18,468 Hey, cupcake quitters. 391 00:20:19,134 --> 00:20:21,762 Look, you see what you've driven me to? 392 00:20:21,930 --> 00:20:24,182 Supermarket cakes. 393 00:20:25,349 --> 00:20:28,685 Sophie, you don't need to eat those. You can have one of ours. 394 00:20:28,853 --> 00:20:31,980 Max's Homemade Cupcakes is back in business. 395 00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:37,236 It would be cruel to kid me. 396 00:20:38,988 --> 00:20:41,449 Nope. We're doing it differently this time. 397 00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:43,241 We are? How? 398 00:20:43,409 --> 00:20:45,243 -I have no idea. -Heh. 399 00:20:45,411 --> 00:20:49,332 But for starters, you're my new junior executive executive's assistant. 400 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,835 I will knock you to the ground. 401 00:20:54,211 --> 00:20:56,213 Mm. Oh.... 402 00:20:56,381 --> 00:20:58,007 Yeah. 403 00:20:58,173 --> 00:21:00,676 Well, Mama happy now. 404 00:21:28,788 --> 00:21:30,789 English - US - SDH