My new sheets from the Under A Dollar store feel so luxurious.
Like they could maybe cost over a dollar. Maybe even two or three.
Yup. It was a good day over at the Under A Dollar.
Steak, bed stuff and my new steak-eating chair.
Doesn't it worry you that you got meat and furniture...
...for the price of an Angry Birds update?
Yeah, it worries me that it'll never happen again.
Sheets and steak? Never dare to dream it.
These sheets smell amazing too.
Thanks to that one little fabric softener ball, also under a dollar.
I dated a guy with one ball once.
He was all self-conscious, but I told him, "No big deal, it's just as ugly as two."
I am gonna get such a good night....
Oh, sheet!
"Thread count: yes.
Washing instructions: Do not wash."
Are you sure you wanna sit in that?
Woman, don't talk to me while I'm eating my steak.
"Instructions: Do not sit."
Ow.
Yay. Root Beer Barrel.
Ow!
What? A candy trail.
God, are you just getting to me now?
You do work in mysterious ways.
I'm not God but I believe I did answer your roommate's prayers last night.
Andy. So how'd this happen? Where'd you guys find each other again?
Rematch.com?
EmptyVajayDate?
No, last night I thought, "These sheets are already ruined.
So I might as well really ruin them with sex." So I called Andy.
And I was obviously flattered, so I came over.
Well, I hope you guys spent more than a dollar for condoms.
Hey, there are two things I never skimp on: condoms and candy.
Max, did you see what I left on the counter for you?
Condoms? Candy? Condoms full of candy?
Well, now you're gonna be disappointed because it's just candy.
Ooh! All my favorites. I wonder if I can get diabetes before breakfast.
Thanks, Andy.
Ha, ha. That candy was just a decoy so you didn't see my Push Pop when I got out of bed.
So are you and Andy back together?
No, it was just a one-time thing.
Look at you, you're like the Greek goddess of booty calls, Aphro-whitey.
Kind of proud of myself, my very first booty call.
Well, actually, it was a booty tweet. Booty is up with the times.
Technically, booty call has been around since the old-timey times.
Alexander Graham Bell's very first phone call was, "Hey, you up?"
-Hey, so I gotta go. Is that cool? -Oh, super cool. Sure.
What do we do? Kiss, high-five? Max, what do you do in this situation?
I usually wave at him with my arm clenched because I'm hiding his wallet in it.
Well, nice seeing you.
I don't usually do the salute, but, okay, that can be your thing.
CAROLINE: Earl, here's my last check. Can you tip me out?
I have a possible booty call.
Well, Caroline, you've reached a new place of familiarity with me.
Unfortunately, I've not reached that same place with you.
Can you cover my tables?
I've been doing that since you started working here, so yes.
Gonna text Andy for another booty call.
And maybe this time we can go out and have a booty breakfast.
As president of the Casual Sex Society, local chapter, I call bull on your booty.
-What? It's a booty call. -Not with you it isn't.
You think that booty breakfast will lead to a booty dinner...
...then booty engaged and married and have a couple booty kids...
...and a booty retirement home and then booty die together.
That's not true. He'll die before me. Then I'll take a dance class.
What are you doing? Do you have to pee?
No, I feel something down there.
Yeah, you woke it up. Now it's hungry.
But you don't take it back to the same restaurant.
What is that and why is it wearing a bow tie?
Maybe because an actual tie would drag on the ground.
Speaking of dragging on the ground...
...maybe you could drag an antelope back to your cave and have sex with it.
See, I have a sense of humor too.
That's one of the attributes on my online dating profile.
Are you dressed up...
-...because you're expecting a date? -I'm expecting a lot more.
Our profiles matched us perfectly.
-This might be the one. -Which one? The first one?
The only one? The one that accidentally steps on you?
She was supposed to be here a half hour ago.
Well, you know, subways run late especially if you don't get on them...
...because you don't really exist and are a money-scamming man in Nairobi.
Hi, I'm looking for Han Lee, the owner.
There she is. Pretty, blond and clearly not a man. Who's laughing now?
You shouldn't jump to conclusions. I once had a date with a blond woman.
Turns out, the curtains matched the penis on that one.
Hello. Are you Ashley? I'm Han Lee.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
I left something in my car. I'll be right back.
-Is she coming back? -Han, Jesus is coming back before she is.
Han, you're too good for her.
I don't understand. We were 97 percent compatible on the website.
Let me see your profile.
-Who's that? -That's me.
No. That's the hot Asian star from Hawaii Five-0.
What? We kind of look alike.
The only thing you have in common with this guy from Hawaii Five-0...
...is that you are five-foot-0.
-And, Han, athletic? -In school I ran track.
Running under the hurdles doesn't count as track.
Han, this is totally lame. Let me help you find the right girl.
You give me so much joy at your expense, I feel like I need to give back.
Thank you, Max. I'm insulted and honored at the same time.
Seeing Han and Ashley together for that second made me realize...
...I wanna be in a relationship. I'm gonna text Andy.
I knew it. I called that. I booty called that.
Your casual-sex card is being revoked.
Unfortunately, Andy is still an active member. Very active.
-What are you talking about? -I'm saying he has an active member.
-He told me he's seeing someone. -He's seeing someone?
Actually, he's seeing a few someones.
How many someones?
Oh, it's back.
Do you think this itch has anything to do with those many someones?
Do you think he gave me something?
Well, if he did, you just gave it to the counter.
-What did poor people do before WebMD? -They died.
What is that? It's all red and chunky. I hope that's not what you have.
Max, that's salsa.
-But look. -Whoa! What the hell is that?
What the hell does Jen from New Rochelle have?
It's a rash. Jen says, "It was bad for a while, then disappeared."
So Jen came down with a case of my father?
A rash? That doesn't sound so bad. I could live with a rash.
-Except Dr. Web thinks it might be herpes. -Trust me, I don't have it.
Jen's obviously a whore.
-Well, does it look like this? -I don't know.
-I can't quite bend over far enough to see it. -Fine. I'll look at it.
What? No!
What? Jen showed me hers.
I'm sure mine is just a rash.
Cathy from Colorado says, "I thought it was just a rash, but guess what.
Rashes are always herpes."
I can't have herpes.
Sex is the only fun thing poor people can afford.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Just let me see it.
What? I could not continue to live here if you ever saw it.
Well, then definitely let me see it.
It's okay. I have one too, except mine has a welcome mat.
I know, I'll just take a picture of it.
And that's how Kim Kardashian became famous.
It's bad enough I'm taking a picture of my vagina, I'm doing it with an iPhone 3.
(CAMERA CLICKS)
Too dark. Needs a flash.
All right, but watch out for red-eye.
(CAMERA CLICKS)
Oh, there she is.
-That's definitely something. -Let me see it.
Wait, it needs a filter.
Lo-fi, no. Valencia, no. Oh, maybe just a border.
Just give it to me.
Oh. That's not good.
I wanna go on the record, it doesn't always look like that. It's actually quite pretty.
Well, now it has a good personality.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Oh, that's the Center for Disease Control coming to get me with their van.
I'll get it. The walking helps.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Hi, girls. I got Chinese food. You wanna hang out?
Sophie, this isn't a good time.
Uh-oh. Someone's got the herp walk.
Sophie, we don't know what it is. It could be a rash.
Yeah, it could but it probably isn't. Let me see.
-Stop it. -What?
It's okay. I was a nurse back in Poland.
You've heard of Doctors Without Borders?
Well, we were Nurses Without Credentials.
Yeah. Our motto was, "What? We wanna help."
Stop it.
Max, don't show Sophie.
Oh, my God.
Oh, I mean, come on, slap a filter on this thing.
Okay. I'm done.
I'm done with Nurses Without Credentials or Doctors Without Faces.
-Tomorrow, I'm going to a free clinic. -Well, this is real bad.
You better run. Don't herp walk.
Whoa. This thing says one out of six people have herpes.
Uh-oh.
Max, anyone in here could be the one in six.
Are you sure you don't wanna get tested while we're here?
No, I'm bad at tests.
If you can't afford a doctor it's better to spend whatever money you got on weed...
...to help you forget whatever you got.
Caroline Channing.
It's so embarrassing. Could she say my name any louder?
Caroline Channing!
I guess she could.
Miss Channing, you wrote here the reason for your visit...
...is an uncomfortable sensation in your nether regions.
Could you be more specific?
Is there a more private area we could discuss my private area?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Let me bring out my hot air balloon and we'll take a tour of the city...
...while we discuss your uncomfortable lady sensation.
Shirley, the only lady sensation I'm seeing in this office is you.
Well, I appreciate that, girl. I try to lighten the load with a little humor. Heh.
-Well, I don't need the jokes, thank you. -Oh, they're not for you. They for us. Heh, heh.
(WHISPERS) I need to be tested for herpes.
Girl, you sound like you're doing a perfume ad for herpes.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Just give her the phone.
Hm. Well, this is either herpes or something I ain't never seen before.
Now, the HSV-2 is not a standard pap. It is a specific blood test.
And it is $250.
The only way I know how to get money for that test...
...will probably give me an STD.
Can we maybe work out a cheaper price?
We're waitresses at the Williamsburg Diner.
I can give you free food for as long as I work there.
And now that I may have this, I mean, where else am I going?
Blood test or denial?
Blood test. I'll just ask Andy for a loan.
But it's actually more of a buy since he already ruined the property.
Classic "you break it, you buy it."
Hey, Max. Good to see you.
I hooked up with that guy once.
Um, do you know what he was here for and how long he's had it?
You know what? Give me one of those sexual history forms.
This sexual history list is hard.
Can't it just be a top ten?
Well, Andy's not here yet.
He's probably busy getting busy with his ragtag team of gutter skanks.
Gutter Skanks? Didn't I see them open for Cannibal Corpse?
Look, you need to relax. Why don't we just get a drink or nine?
Two double jack and gingers. Oh, yeah, Jack.
Number 38.
And that ginger. Number 39.
Max, look, Jen from New Rochelle put up a new update on WebMD.
She says her life has gotten so much better after joining a site called His-and-Herpes.
Hi, Andy, have a seat.
You don't know that he gave it to you, and you don't know that you have it, so be cool.
Don't worry, Max, I got this. And Andy, I got that.
Whoa!
I thought it was annoying when people took pictures of their food.
When were you gonna tell me, Andy?
When my vagina burst into flames and became an actual burning bush?
-Wait, that's yours? -Worst selfie ever, right?
Wow, I didn't recognize it.
Was it out in the sun?
-You owe me $250 for the blood test, Andy. -And nine dollars for that drink.
Look, everybody just calm down.
Andy, you may or may not have given her herpes.
She may or may not be overreacting.
I may or may not have slept with that bartender, he is my type...
...and yet he has a job, so he's not, and he goes in the maybes.
Look, Caroline, I'm really sorry, but I am totally clean.
Since we broke up, I have only had safe sex...
...with a special ed teacher and a dental hygienist.
I mean, that job has hygiene right in the title.
Wait, oh, there were a couple of times where I did have unsafe sex with myself.
But only when I couldn't sleep. And a lot of other times.
I will go get tested tomorrow.
In the meantime, try not to go to the worst-case scenario.
I'm not going to the worst-case scenario.
If we both have it, no one is gonna want us, so we should get married.
"You gave me herpes. You have to marry me."
You wanna save that for our wedding vows?
Well, if you don't use it, I will.
I can't wait till tomorrow for my test results. I'm gonna call the clinic.
You left, like, ten messages. You're acting like the clinic's crazy ex-girlfriend.
Well, I'm leaving another message. Hand me my phone.
What? I have to stay healthy in case you have it.
Someone's got to pick up your welfare checks.
Well, this is my life now. Working at a diner with herpes.
The very best I can ever hope to be is a mentor for a younger girl with herpes.
Hi, maybe you can help me.
Well, with that smile and my bad heart I'll die trying.
(SHIRLEY LAUGHING)
I'm looking for the overly-emotional girl that works here as a waitress.
Oh, my God, what are you doing here? Am I dying? Are you the angel of death?
I think I found her.
-Can we have a seat for a minute? -Max. Max, she wants to sit down.
Come here and hold my hand.
Oh, I'll hold your hand after I find out what you have.
No need to be all dramatic.
I just came to tell you that your blood test came back...
...but I am not allowed to give you the results without a doctor.
-You're not? -No, I am not.
That's a negative. A negative.
Wait. Are you saying it's negative?
I could not tell you that.
I also could not tell you that it was probably an allergic reaction...
...to soap or laundry detergent.
Oh, my God. Max, it was that fabric softener ball from the Under A Dollar store.
Oh, I'm not a cheap whore. I'm just poor.
Shirley, it was really cool of you to come all the way in...
...because we were really very upset.
So upset that a caring medical professional like you...
...would probably help us out with something for our anxiety. Or parties.
Nice try.
But I'm not here just out of the goodness of my heart. I'm here for my free fries.
I'm starving. I haven't been able to eat...
...since you showed me that phone picture of your bits and pieces.
-Fries coming right up. -And thank you so much.
Oh, it's nice to give out good news.
What about you? When can I give you some good news?
I'll be in tomorrow. I'm just waiting for a call back from John Mayer.
Hi, I'm looking for Han Lee.
Oh, that's the girl I set up Han with.
No visible Adam's apple. Go for it.
Oh, Max, she's very pretty. Are you sure she'll go for me?
I think she might. Let's go say hi.
Hi, you must be Jen. Jen, this is Han. Han, this is Jen from New Rochelle.
JEN: Hi. -Hello.
Jen from New Rochelle? Max, no.
What? It could just be a reaction to her laundry detergent.
I'm clean! Totally clean!
Shirley was as surprised as I am.
Oh, Max, I'm so happy for you.
Yup. I dodged a bullet.
But from now on, I'm gonna be a little more discerning. I'm not 13 anymore.
I texted Andy and told him it was a false alarm. I didn't have it.
-What did he say? -He said, "Hey, you up?"
But I'm definitely not gonna go. Am I?
All right, here's the thing. This is about something bigger than Andy.
-Actually, Andy's quite-- -Oh, I know.
Came out to get a drink of water. Saw it, loved it.
Look, I'm gonna keep this simple. You're using Andy to fill a hole.
Yes, Max, that's how sex works.
Ever since the business closed, you've got all this free time...
...and you don't know what to do with yourself.
I hear you.
You're right. Ever since the business closed, I do have a huge hole.
I know. Came out to get a drink of water. Saw it, loved it.
I know we said we were gonna do the cupcake business again.
Now we have to make it real.
I'm a business woman. I need to have a business.
Or apparently I'm gonna put someone else's business into my business.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Max, tomorrow, we start again. This time we have to give it our all.
Clear vaginas, full hearts, can't lose.
Hi, girls.
I came down with a solution to your herpes problem, Caroline.
Just don't tell anyone.
-Sophie, I don't have it. -That's it!
That's the way to do it! Problem solved. All right, bye-bye.
English - US - SDH