1 00:00:00,960 --> 00:00:04,879 Whoever tipped me in Monopoly money can go directly to jail. 2 00:00:05,798 --> 00:00:07,006 A dollar? 3 00:00:07,174 --> 00:00:10,135 Fake money and they're still under-tipping. 4 00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:20,062 Oh, look. I love it when people dress guinea pigs up in adorable costumes. 5 00:00:21,439 --> 00:00:26,234 Han, you look like Babe Ruth. Well, baby Ruth. 6 00:00:26,736 --> 00:00:31,114 Maybe you two can kiss my sweet ass because this outfit's a home run. 7 00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:35,034 I'm putting a team together for the restaurant league. 8 00:00:35,201 --> 00:00:38,831 Well, Han, I would play, but, you know, I got this hip thing. 9 00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:41,459 Meaning, I'm too hip. 10 00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:45,212 What about you two? I'm telling you, I'm a great ball player. 11 00:00:45,670 --> 00:00:47,465 No, I'm a great ball player. 12 00:00:47,631 --> 00:00:51,259 I know how to cup and tickle mine at the same time. 13 00:00:52,219 --> 00:00:55,222 I'm talking about America's favorite pastime. 14 00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:57,515 Oh, so am I. 15 00:01:00,978 --> 00:01:02,854 Well, I'm in. I have a really good arm. 16 00:01:03,021 --> 00:01:05,900 Go over there, Han. Let's have a little catch. 17 00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:08,736 All right, here we go. All right. 18 00:01:08,903 --> 00:01:11,822 Go deep. Go deeper, Han. 19 00:01:11,989 --> 00:01:16,117 A phrase no other woman will ever say to him. 20 00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:20,246 Throw it, and don't be afraid to bring the heat. 21 00:01:26,378 --> 00:01:28,506 Too much heat. 22 00:01:28,671 --> 00:01:32,218 Ball one and two. Game over. 23 00:01:32,676 --> 00:01:36,055 I seem to have forgotten a crucial part of my uniform. 24 00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:39,265 Need a cup, Han? 25 00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:54,198 You ladies can wait in here. 26 00:01:54,365 --> 00:01:57,408 Brian, before my father comes in, how are his spirits? 27 00:01:57,575 --> 00:02:00,995 You know, for someone who's looking at 60 to 100 years in prison. 28 00:02:01,162 --> 00:02:03,915 Pretty good. I'll bring him right in. 29 00:02:04,082 --> 00:02:08,044 -Hey, Bri, anyone get killed today? -You ask me that every time, Max. 30 00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:11,298 And every time I tell you, it's a white-collar prison. 31 00:02:11,507 --> 00:02:15,218 Got it. Anyone get shanked with a Montblanc pen? 32 00:02:16,302 --> 00:02:17,555 Yo, B, one more thing. 33 00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:21,057 On Lockup: Raw they spray guards with a mixture of urine and feces-- 34 00:02:21,224 --> 00:02:24,186 Max, please. Can we go one day without you mentioning that? 35 00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:28,106 I wonder why my dad wanted us to rush out here and see him today. 36 00:02:28,274 --> 00:02:30,734 -He probably wants a conjugal visit. -Max. 37 00:02:30,901 --> 00:02:33,653 Relax. With me. 38 00:02:35,531 --> 00:02:38,366 There they are. The light of my life and her bouncer. 39 00:02:38,533 --> 00:02:41,203 -Hi, Daddy. -Hey. 40 00:02:41,370 --> 00:02:44,539 -Max. -Oh, we starting this? No foreplay? 41 00:02:45,039 --> 00:02:46,082 MARTIN: Oh. 42 00:02:48,460 --> 00:02:51,462 Listen, I'm sorry to make you come all the way out here... 43 00:02:51,629 --> 00:02:56,718 ...on the, God help me, subway, but I actually needed a favor. 44 00:02:58,596 --> 00:03:00,180 (WHISPERS) Help me break out. 45 00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:02,849 (IN NORMAL VOICE) I'm kidding. 46 00:03:03,057 --> 00:03:06,270 Daddy, it's so amazing you can joke, but maybe not around Max. 47 00:03:06,437 --> 00:03:10,566 She's already offered to skin a guard alive and walk you out of here wearing him. 48 00:03:11,066 --> 00:03:13,485 Well, we know it works. 49 00:03:13,651 --> 00:03:17,573 All right, listen. This woman who used to work for me is being paid $1 million... 50 00:03:17,740 --> 00:03:20,116 ...to write a tell-all book about me. 51 00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:24,663 A million dollars? How much can I get for a tell-all book about Caroline? 52 00:03:24,829 --> 00:03:27,582 Chapter one: Sleep Farts. 53 00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:31,211 Max, please, can we go one day without you mentioning that? 54 00:03:31,961 --> 00:03:35,257 The woman's name is Sandra Rosenthal. Caroline, do you remember her? 55 00:03:35,424 --> 00:03:38,801 Yes, the one who lied on her résumé, the one who couldn't even add. 56 00:03:38,968 --> 00:03:42,932 And worse than that, she wore brown with black together. 57 00:03:43,098 --> 00:03:47,019 -I like brown and black together. -I know. 58 00:03:47,519 --> 00:03:50,396 Wait, why would anybody pay that woman so much? 59 00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:53,484 -What is she saying she has? -She's claiming she was fired... 60 00:03:53,651 --> 00:03:56,653 ...because she had insider information about the Ponzi scandal. 61 00:03:56,819 --> 00:03:59,323 And that we were sleeping together, which we weren't. 62 00:03:59,490 --> 00:04:00,532 Of course you weren't. 63 00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:04,036 You would never sleep with someone who wore brown with black together. 64 00:04:04,203 --> 00:04:08,915 Man, I haven't seen this much hatred toward brown and black since the '50s. 65 00:04:09,123 --> 00:04:11,085 I wanted you to hear it from me first. 66 00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:15,213 She's about to go on Piers Morgan Live and she can say whatever she wants. 67 00:04:15,381 --> 00:04:18,091 No, she can't because I'll be there to refute her lies. 68 00:04:18,257 --> 00:04:20,259 I'll defend you with dignity and class... 69 00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:23,555 ...and my new lipstick I just found on the subway. 70 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:26,307 Wow, Piers Morgan. That dude's legit. 71 00:04:26,475 --> 00:04:30,353 He's got his show, he's got Piers One Imports. 72 00:04:31,355 --> 00:04:33,439 I don't know what I'd without you, princess. 73 00:04:33,649 --> 00:04:36,026 You're the only person I can trust. 74 00:04:36,192 --> 00:04:40,363 Now, get out of here because I gotta speak to Max privately for a second. 75 00:04:40,531 --> 00:04:42,740 -Oh. Sure. Okay, I-- -Just go. 76 00:04:42,908 --> 00:04:45,661 Daddy wants to talk to me privately. 77 00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:48,163 -Love you, sweetie. -Love you, Daddy. 78 00:04:48,329 --> 00:04:50,540 Brian, I'll just be right outside. 79 00:04:50,707 --> 00:04:52,209 (INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE) 80 00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:57,840 -So, Max-- -You know I'm all talk, right? 81 00:04:58,340 --> 00:05:03,137 I need you to tell Caroline something I couldn't bring myself to say. 82 00:05:03,302 --> 00:05:08,016 This woman is also claiming I have a small penis. 83 00:05:09,225 --> 00:05:14,773 Wait. So I stayed behind to see it? 84 00:05:17,067 --> 00:05:19,028 No. 85 00:05:19,610 --> 00:05:22,740 I want you to tell Caroline so she'll be prepared... 86 00:05:22,906 --> 00:05:26,035 ...because I'm pretty sure that's the lie that got the book sold. 87 00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:28,036 How big of a lie? 88 00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:32,875 Oh, a really big one. 89 00:05:36,545 --> 00:05:38,880 So, what did you and my father talk about? 90 00:05:39,048 --> 00:05:41,550 I don't wanna tell you, I'm uncomfortable. 91 00:05:41,716 --> 00:05:43,552 You're uncomfortable? 92 00:05:43,718 --> 00:05:46,721 This must be bad. You've never been uncomfortable in your life. 93 00:05:46,889 --> 00:05:49,016 Is it drugs? Cancer? 94 00:05:49,223 --> 00:05:52,603 Did he fall in love in prison? I'll be fine with it, you can tell me. 95 00:05:52,769 --> 00:05:54,605 When we had money, I was very active... 96 00:05:54,771 --> 00:05:57,983 ...in the Park Avenue Straights for Gay Doormen Alliance. 97 00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:02,321 (MEN WHOOPING) 98 00:06:04,238 --> 00:06:07,367 Is this some kind of weird gang or did a game just let out? 99 00:06:07,533 --> 00:06:09,327 Max, come on, tell me. 100 00:06:09,495 --> 00:06:12,538 Fine. The woman's gonna say your father has a small-- 101 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:13,956 (HORN TOOTING) 102 00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:18,545 Sir, your vuvuzela is very loud and very 2010. 103 00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:20,630 My father has a what? 104 00:06:20,798 --> 00:06:21,964 He has a small-- 105 00:06:22,132 --> 00:06:23,257 (HORN TOOTING) 106 00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:25,384 Seriously, the game's over. 107 00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:28,387 And how on earth you have a wedding ring is beyond me. 108 00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:30,389 What is she gonna say about him? 109 00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:31,766 (HORNS TOOTING) 110 00:06:32,141 --> 00:06:33,519 I can't hear you! 111 00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:38,481 She's going to say, "Your father has a small penis!" 112 00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:43,028 He thought it'd be less awkward if I told you. Was it? 113 00:06:43,194 --> 00:06:46,824 I can't believe that Sandra Rosenthal woman. There's another lie. 114 00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:49,367 -Why, have you seen it? -No, I haven't seen it. 115 00:06:49,534 --> 00:06:52,204 I never wanna see it. Have you seen your father's penis? 116 00:06:52,370 --> 00:06:54,706 If I did, it was waving goodbye. 117 00:06:58,459 --> 00:07:01,338 Max, I've thought a lot about it and I can't sit there... 118 00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:04,925 ...while that woman waves my father's penis in Piers Morgan's face. 119 00:07:05,634 --> 00:07:09,680 You're lucky it's not Anderson Cooper because he'd be giggling up a storm. 120 00:07:10,139 --> 00:07:13,725 I have a plan. My goal on this show is gonna be to discredit that woman... 121 00:07:13,891 --> 00:07:16,769 ...and tell people, even though my father did a bad thing... 122 00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:20,983 ...he did some wonderful things as well. Look, here he is working with UNICEF. 123 00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:23,526 Here he is rebuilding Haiti. 124 00:07:23,694 --> 00:07:27,406 Aw. This is a cute picture of him water-skiing at a charity event on Lake Tahoe. 125 00:07:28,031 --> 00:07:31,576 What's the charity, White Men Without Golf Clubs? 126 00:07:31,869 --> 00:07:34,954 That's my plan. Hopefully, going on that show will put an end... 127 00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:37,499 ...to all these ridiculous rumors about my father. 128 00:07:38,417 --> 00:07:40,711 Hey, Caroline. 129 00:07:43,547 --> 00:07:48,468 Yeah. The word on the street is your dad's got a wee-nis. 130 00:07:49,177 --> 00:07:52,014 -Sophie, how did you hear about that? -Oleg, told me. 131 00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:55,433 It came up on my Google Penis Alerts. 132 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:58,103 I like to keep current, see what the trends are. 133 00:07:58,269 --> 00:08:00,271 You don't wanna be that middle-aged guy... 134 00:08:00,439 --> 00:08:03,024 ...wearing the same penis you had in high school. 135 00:08:03,649 --> 00:08:08,071 Great. Now it's all over the Internet and my shoulders are all up around my ears. 136 00:08:08,237 --> 00:08:11,490 Look, I'm too tense to even shake my head no at that liar woman... 137 00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:13,701 ...which was gonna be my key move. 138 00:08:13,869 --> 00:08:16,872 I need a massage but I'm broke. 139 00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:19,415 Caroline, I'll give you a massage. 140 00:08:19,582 --> 00:08:22,543 Get ready for a sad ending. 141 00:08:23,002 --> 00:08:24,795 And beginning and middle. 142 00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:30,134 There. Oh, yeah. 143 00:08:30,552 --> 00:08:32,303 How does that feel? 144 00:08:32,471 --> 00:08:36,725 Like baby spiders are dancing on my shoulders. 145 00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:41,520 You're the first Asian I've seen that can't give a massage. 146 00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:49,613 Hey, Caroline, I'll treat you and Max to a massage at my fancy spa. 147 00:08:50,029 --> 00:08:51,657 Cool, I've never been to a spa. 148 00:08:51,822 --> 00:08:53,866 The closest I've been is sticking my arm... 149 00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:57,078 ...in the free blood-pressure machine at Walgreens. 150 00:08:57,537 --> 00:09:00,456 Wait, that's for your arm? 151 00:09:05,379 --> 00:09:07,380 Thanks for the massage. It was very nice-- 152 00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,841 Oh, you're still doing it. I had no idea. 153 00:09:15,346 --> 00:09:18,767 That was amazing. 154 00:09:18,933 --> 00:09:23,730 I mean, a guy rubbed me for an hour and didn't expect anything back? 155 00:09:24,563 --> 00:09:27,317 This massage stuff could catch on. 156 00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:30,988 I could not let go during my massage. 157 00:09:31,153 --> 00:09:33,865 Oh, was letting go an option? 158 00:09:34,283 --> 00:09:36,659 I was close but I didn't wanna be halfway there... 159 00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:38,828 ...and have the management throw me. 160 00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:42,124 I'm just so tense. Piers Morgan asks some difficult questions. 161 00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:44,584 Last week, he asked the Spring Breakers cast... 162 00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:47,169 ...their thoughts on the North Korea situation. 163 00:09:48,171 --> 00:09:50,465 -Shh! -Sorry. 164 00:09:50,631 --> 00:09:53,467 Max, this is a quiet room. We have to be quiet. 165 00:09:53,634 --> 00:09:55,886 Hi, girls! 166 00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:59,224 I'm getting myself some fancy water. 167 00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:02,977 Look, they've got lemon, orange, and cucumber. 168 00:10:03,394 --> 00:10:07,941 -Ha. It's like a slot machine over here. -Shh! 169 00:10:14,405 --> 00:10:17,743 I just had the best bamboo massage. 170 00:10:17,908 --> 00:10:19,702 Oh, they kept whacking me with it... 171 00:10:19,870 --> 00:10:24,707 ...until I confessed to stealing that bread when I was 7. 172 00:10:24,875 --> 00:10:27,461 Oh, what a load off. 173 00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:31,088 Caroline, you still look a little tense. 174 00:10:31,255 --> 00:10:35,302 But I guess having to talk about your father's junk on national television... 175 00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:37,928 ...will do that to a girl. 176 00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:41,975 I will not be speaking about my father's junk on television. 177 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:48,023 No, I can't have lunch tomorrow. I'm doing Piers Morgan Live . 178 00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:52,527 CAROLINE: You won't believe what just happened. 179 00:10:52,693 --> 00:10:55,447 You joined a demonic cult? 180 00:10:55,614 --> 00:10:58,533 Sandra, the liar writing the tell-all book, just walked in. 181 00:10:58,700 --> 00:10:59,701 (MAX GASPS) 182 00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:02,162 She's getting a day of beauty too? 183 00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:05,706 This is like the gayest training for a fight ever. 184 00:11:05,874 --> 00:11:07,875 Sandra? 185 00:11:08,043 --> 00:11:09,668 Right this way. 186 00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:13,465 Lay face down. I'll give you a few minutes and I'll be right back in. 187 00:11:13,631 --> 00:11:17,219 Perfect. I really need this massage. Promoting my new book is exhausting. 188 00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:19,053 I'm sorry if that sounded braggy. 189 00:11:19,221 --> 00:11:22,599 I guess that's how you sound when things are going so great for you. 190 00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:25,684 Poor masseuse is gonna be forced... 191 00:11:25,851 --> 00:11:28,270 ...to listen to her yammer on about her dumb book. 192 00:11:28,437 --> 00:11:30,690 Then again, mine had to hear me constantly say: 193 00:11:30,856 --> 00:11:33,025 "Don't be afraid of the boobs." 194 00:11:35,070 --> 00:11:38,740 We should be hearing about that dumb book so I know what I'm up against. 195 00:11:38,907 --> 00:11:41,326 If there was only a way to get in that room. 196 00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:46,914 Oh. Anyone can get into any room if they really want to. 197 00:11:47,081 --> 00:11:52,504 I mean, do you think that I was invited to the audition for the 2004 boat show? 198 00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:56,883 Yeah. Go. I'll take care of that masseuse. 199 00:11:57,049 --> 00:11:59,094 Sophie, you're not gonna hurt her, right? 200 00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:02,806 No. I'm gonna try tipping her first. 201 00:12:11,690 --> 00:12:13,316 I'm back. 202 00:12:13,482 --> 00:12:18,529 Yes, I was just out in the hall with you and now here I am in the room with you. 203 00:12:18,697 --> 00:12:20,990 The same person. 204 00:12:21,158 --> 00:12:25,787 Just keep your head down, don't look up and relax. 205 00:12:26,620 --> 00:12:30,958 -You're not gonna talk a lot, are you? -No, but you should feel free to. 206 00:12:31,125 --> 00:12:34,086 Whatever's on your mind, or in that book. 207 00:12:34,296 --> 00:12:35,463 (CHIMES RINGING) 208 00:12:35,629 --> 00:12:37,923 SANDRA: What--? What was that? -That? 209 00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:40,427 That's just me, alone... 210 00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:43,554 ...creating a healing space with energy and sound. 211 00:12:43,721 --> 00:12:44,806 (CHIMES RINGING) 212 00:12:44,972 --> 00:12:47,475 Lots of sound. 213 00:12:48,225 --> 00:12:50,352 So you're writing a big book. 214 00:12:50,519 --> 00:12:52,898 Do you wanna tell me all about that? 215 00:12:53,063 --> 00:12:55,192 SANDRA: Well, it's about this guy Martin Channing. 216 00:12:55,357 --> 00:13:00,697 Oh, he is very nice and very respectable. 217 00:13:00,864 --> 00:13:04,826 You won't think that after you read my book. I am really gonna stick it to him. 218 00:13:04,993 --> 00:13:07,953 Okay, now you're just pushing me. Oh! 219 00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:12,458 Uh-- How did you--? 220 00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:17,505 I.... 221 00:13:18,173 --> 00:13:23,302 How--? How did you do that? It feels like you have three hands. 222 00:13:27,182 --> 00:13:29,683 That's how good I am. 223 00:13:30,851 --> 00:13:32,895 SANDRA: This is supposed to be a hot-stone massage. 224 00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:34,563 Coming right up. 225 00:13:35,273 --> 00:13:36,607 (CHIMES RINGING) 226 00:13:36,857 --> 00:13:38,567 The hot stones. 227 00:13:41,696 --> 00:13:42,697 (CHIMES RINGING) 228 00:13:47,536 --> 00:13:50,705 All right, here come the hot stones. 229 00:13:52,831 --> 00:13:54,292 SANDRA: Oh! 230 00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:58,879 Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's nice. I'm really loosening up. 231 00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:02,299 Oh, well, then let's loosen you up some more. More stones. 232 00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:03,552 (MOUTHS) No. 233 00:14:03,717 --> 00:14:05,761 More stones. 234 00:14:09,432 --> 00:14:12,561 SANDRA: Yeah, I got paid a lot of money for my tell-all book... 235 00:14:12,726 --> 00:14:15,855 ...and I am really gonna tell all. Oh! 236 00:14:16,022 --> 00:14:19,525 Not there. Not there. 237 00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:21,735 What--? What is going on in here? 238 00:14:22,403 --> 00:14:25,865 What is happening here, Sandra, is you're about to go on national TV... 239 00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:29,244 ...and tell America lies about my father. He never slept with you. 240 00:14:29,411 --> 00:14:35,000 Oh, did he never sleep with me in your bedroom, on your pink canopy bed? 241 00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:39,379 You know what? That never happened. That's insane. You're crazy. 242 00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:40,879 It's my word against yours. 243 00:14:41,047 --> 00:14:43,258 You're gonna be very embarrassed on TV. 244 00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:46,344 But not as embarrassed as you're gonna be in the spa lobby... 245 00:14:46,510 --> 00:14:50,639 ...when I tell everyone that I was touched inappropriately by Caroline Channing. 246 00:14:50,807 --> 00:14:52,933 You are not gonna tell anybody that. 247 00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:54,519 Who's gonna stop me? 248 00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:58,523 Hey, girls, I was listening outside the door. 249 00:14:58,690 --> 00:15:00,859 Everything okay? 250 00:15:07,032 --> 00:15:10,909 Max, I don't know if I can do this. What if Sandra's telling the truth? 251 00:15:11,076 --> 00:15:14,205 She did know about my pink canopy bed. How would she know that? 252 00:15:14,371 --> 00:15:17,375 Because everyone knows Barbie comes with a dream car, a pony... 253 00:15:17,542 --> 00:15:20,128 ...and a pink canopy bed included. 254 00:15:21,004 --> 00:15:24,716 There he is. There's Piers Morgan. Live. 255 00:15:24,883 --> 00:15:29,095 Do you think it's too soon to ask him to give me a discount at Piers One? 256 00:15:29,638 --> 00:15:33,015 He looks dignified, like he's not gonna ask about a penis. 257 00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:35,851 But what if he does? Max, I can't do this. 258 00:15:36,019 --> 00:15:37,645 Give me your phone. 259 00:15:37,812 --> 00:15:41,149 You need to remind yourself of the person your father used to be. 260 00:15:41,316 --> 00:15:43,360 Look, here he is working with UNICEF. 261 00:15:43,525 --> 00:15:47,113 And here he is water-skiing on Lake Rich Person. 262 00:15:47,279 --> 00:15:49,407 Look at that smile. Is that the smile of--? 263 00:15:49,573 --> 00:15:51,283 Hold up. 264 00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:53,286 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 265 00:15:53,495 --> 00:15:56,163 What's coming out of the left leg of his swim shorts? 266 00:15:58,165 --> 00:16:00,543 I think your father's junk is trying to tell me... 267 00:16:00,710 --> 00:16:02,961 ...there's gonna be six more weeks of winter. 268 00:16:03,922 --> 00:16:05,173 What are you saying? 269 00:16:05,340 --> 00:16:11,721 I'm saying someone had a tip slip and that is not a small tip. 270 00:16:12,179 --> 00:16:17,101 And as a waitress and a loose woman, I know a small tip when I see one. 271 00:16:17,976 --> 00:16:19,979 -Here. -Oh! 272 00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:27,570 Sorry. Sorry. She just showed me a picture of Anne Hathaway's new haircut. 273 00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:33,326 Well, this is good because it proves that woman is lying. 274 00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,662 Yep. We just have to show this to Piers. 275 00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:38,748 I told you I'm not going near my father's penis. 276 00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:43,503 All I have to do is point out that that woman has no finance skills. 277 00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:45,797 Unlike her, we are taking the high road. 278 00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:48,006 Max, are you sending that to yourself? 279 00:16:52,302 --> 00:16:55,472 I'm here with Sandra Rosenthal who just signed a huge book deal... 280 00:16:55,639 --> 00:16:58,934 ...to do a kiss-and-tell on disgraced financier, Martin Channing. 281 00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:00,979 -Welcome to you, Sandra. -Hello, Piers. 282 00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:03,440 Thank you for allowing me to tell my story. 283 00:17:03,605 --> 00:17:05,275 It's a story, all right. 284 00:17:05,482 --> 00:17:07,943 Wow, so we're right into it. Okay, let me catch up. 285 00:17:08,111 --> 00:17:11,321 My other guest is Caroline Channing, daughter of Martin Channing... 286 00:17:11,489 --> 00:17:13,825 ...who, to put it mildly, is claiming your book... 287 00:17:13,991 --> 00:17:16,952 -...Ms. Rosenthal, is a bunch of bull. -That's right, Piers. 288 00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:18,663 (IN BRITISH ACCENT) "It's pure rubbish"... 289 00:17:18,829 --> 00:17:20,498 (IN NORMAL VOICE) ...as your people say. 290 00:17:21,165 --> 00:17:23,710 That was perfectly American. 291 00:17:25,170 --> 00:17:27,422 Let me start with you. To catch everybody up... 292 00:17:27,588 --> 00:17:30,717 ...Ms. Rosenthal's large book advance has to do with something... 293 00:17:30,884 --> 00:17:34,554 ...that turned out to be, by your words, very small. Comments, Ms. Channing? 294 00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:36,055 MAX: Psst! 295 00:17:36,263 --> 00:17:37,347 Psst! 296 00:17:38,266 --> 00:17:41,269 I'd rather not comment about that, Piers, because I have class. 297 00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:43,438 But I have a question for Ms. Rosenthal... 298 00:17:43,605 --> 00:17:47,232 ...who was hired by my father because she claimed she had a degree in finance. 299 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:50,444 Ms. Rosenthal, if a train carrying 27 passengers... 300 00:17:50,612 --> 00:17:54,531 ...leaves Grand Central Station at 9 a.m., travels 800 miles to Chicago... 301 00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:58,076 ...arriving at 5 p.m., how fast was it traveling? 302 00:17:58,952 --> 00:18:00,121 Well, I-- 303 00:18:00,288 --> 00:18:01,748 Simple math, Piers. 304 00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:04,459 -A hundred miles an hour. -I'm sorry? 305 00:18:04,625 --> 00:18:07,628 That's your answer. Sorry, I'm a bit of a mathlete. 306 00:18:08,086 --> 00:18:09,130 Impressive. 307 00:18:09,297 --> 00:18:11,298 I've got a math equation for you. 308 00:18:11,465 --> 00:18:15,929 If a 3-inch train is entering a tunnel, do I even know it's there? 309 00:18:17,387 --> 00:18:19,182 Ladies, this isn't Maury Povich. 310 00:18:20,557 --> 00:18:21,433 Psst! 311 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:25,230 I'm simply trying to illustrate that she should've been able to answer it... 312 00:18:25,395 --> 00:18:28,106 ...had she been qualified for her job in finance. 313 00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:32,111 Everything that I'm writing in the book is true, Piers. 314 00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:35,698 There is nothing that I have said that she can prove is untrue. 315 00:18:39,911 --> 00:18:43,623 Wait a minute. Why is there a woman under my desk? 316 00:18:43,789 --> 00:18:45,791 Oh, is there, Piers? 317 00:18:45,959 --> 00:18:49,336 Yes, my father defrauded a lot of people, and he's paying for that. 318 00:18:49,503 --> 00:18:51,256 But I'm not gonna sit by silently... 319 00:18:51,422 --> 00:18:53,924 ...while she exploits him with lies for her own gain. 320 00:18:54,092 --> 00:18:58,429 Piers, there's so much about my father I want you to know. Like he-- 321 00:19:03,684 --> 00:19:06,061 What is this? 322 00:19:06,436 --> 00:19:09,398 Well, I know what it is. I've got one. 323 00:19:09,566 --> 00:19:11,692 But whose is it, and why am I looking at it? 324 00:19:12,277 --> 00:19:14,028 It's my father's. 325 00:19:14,194 --> 00:19:16,446 He had a bit of a tip slip. 326 00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:20,492 Madame, I don't know what you're looking for in a man... 327 00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:24,955 ...but this is far from inadequate. 328 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:30,502 In fact, it's so far from inadequate that I'm bringing this interview... 329 00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:34,798 ...to an immediate close. Your book, and you, lack any credibility. 330 00:19:35,383 --> 00:19:36,425 That's it. 331 00:19:40,971 --> 00:19:45,559 "Can you hook me up with a discount at Piers One Imports?" 332 00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:52,482 They'll probably come to you one day and want a tell-all book. 333 00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:56,237 Remember, we already have Chapter one, "Sleep Farts." 334 00:19:56,403 --> 00:19:59,615 Chapter two, "My New Step-Mom, Max." 335 00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:04,746 Max, am I gonna have to defend my father forever? 336 00:20:04,913 --> 00:20:05,954 Probably. 337 00:20:06,122 --> 00:20:08,750 -But don't worry, I'll be there to help. -Thank you. 338 00:20:08,916 --> 00:20:12,211 Because it's a wife's job to defend her husband. 339 00:20:13,253 --> 00:20:16,798 It makes me sad to think he's gonna be in prison for the rest of his life. 340 00:20:16,965 --> 00:20:19,635 Don't think of it like that. He's not just in prison. 341 00:20:19,801 --> 00:20:23,056 He's in Africa working with UNICEF, he's in Haiti... 342 00:20:23,221 --> 00:20:25,599 ...he's water-skiing on Lake Rich Person... 343 00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:28,894 ...and he's on the desktop of my computer. 344 00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:32,481 I should delete that. 345 00:20:32,648 --> 00:20:34,067 Where'd I leave my phone? 346 00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:39,905 God, are you looking at the picture of my dad? 347 00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:42,951 We are. Respect. 348 00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:46,746 So very much respect. 349 00:20:47,038 --> 00:20:50,083 Eh, I've seen better. 350 00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:52,501 Every day. 351 00:20:55,337 --> 00:20:56,381 Give me that. 352 00:20:56,547 --> 00:20:57,882 Oh! 353 00:21:28,913 --> 00:21:30,914 English - US - SDH