1
00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:13,930
Oh, hey.

2
00:00:14,098 --> 00:00:15,766
You ready?

3
00:00:15,932 --> 00:00:19,603
I can't. I just can't.

4
00:00:19,769 --> 00:00:22,147
Everyone feels like that
the first few times you eat here.

5
00:00:22,231 --> 00:00:24,149
It's like heroin.
It makes you sick, and you think,

6
00:00:24,233 --> 00:00:26,527
"I'll never do that again,"
and here we are.

7
00:00:28,278 --> 00:00:30,614
No, we put our project
on Kickstarter,

8
00:00:30,780 --> 00:00:33,616
and we're getting
major funding right now.

9
00:00:33,783 --> 00:00:36,661
And I can't. I just can't.

10
00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:40,082
Kickstarter... that's the website
where strangers give money for crap

11
00:00:40,249 --> 00:00:42,125
that no one in the real world
would invest in, right?

12
00:00:42,292 --> 00:00:46,505
Exactly, but our project isn't crap.
It's bananas.

13
00:00:46,671 --> 00:00:49,091
We design candles with arms.

14
00:00:51,343 --> 00:00:54,137
I can't. I just can't.

15
00:00:54,972 --> 00:00:58,017
Don't you have a passion project?
something you've always wanted to do?

16
00:00:58,183 --> 00:01:01,520
Yeah, you can't just want
to be a waitress your whole life.

17
00:01:02,813 --> 00:01:06,900
(CHUCKLES) Actually,
I do have a Kickstarter idea.

18
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:10,320
I'd like to start
kicking your asses!

19
00:01:12,864 --> 00:01:15,034
You know we work
for tips, right?

20
00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:17,411
Yeah.
This one got away from me.

21
00:01:18,704 --> 00:01:20,371
(THEME MUSIC)

22
00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:22,081
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

23
00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:31,801
Okay, listen up, it's Tuesday,

24
00:01:31,966 --> 00:01:35,262
and like Martin Luther King,
I have a dream.

25
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,807
Tonight you will do side work.

26
00:01:37,972 --> 00:01:40,975
Hold up, girl. I have ten minutes
till my shift starts.

27
00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:44,563
Max, that is not appropriate.
I'm your boss. Don't call me "girl."

28
00:01:44,729 --> 00:01:46,064
Yes, ma'am.

29
00:01:47,566 --> 00:01:50,027
Okay, you want to play?
I'll play.

30
00:01:50,194 --> 00:01:52,947
Hey, sir.
Hey, big manny man.

31
00:01:53,112 --> 00:01:56,200
Why don't you show me your penis?

32
00:01:58,284 --> 00:02:00,829
Han, you know
I don't have a penis.

33
00:02:00,995 --> 00:02:03,081
It's the only thing
we have in common.

34
00:02:04,082 --> 00:02:06,459
-Where's Caroline?
-In the back at our cupcake shop.

35
00:02:06,793 --> 00:02:09,420
Why? You don't open your walk-up
window till you close here at night?

36
00:02:09,587 --> 00:02:11,090
She's getting a jump
on our side work.

37
00:02:11,257 --> 00:02:13,884
What? We can't do ours and yours.

38
00:02:14,050 --> 00:02:15,468
Relax, Marjorie.

39
00:02:15,635 --> 00:02:18,806
Keep it up, Max, and one day
I will show you my penis.

40
00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:20,765
And you'll be sorry.

41
00:02:26,729 --> 00:02:29,024
Yes. Yes, I will.

42
00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:33,611
That's it! New rule!
No more making fun of the boss!

43
00:02:34,780 --> 00:02:37,074
Han doesn't want us
calling him names anymore.

44
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:38,950
It's like, if you don't
want to be called names,

45
00:02:39,117 --> 00:02:39,993
don't look like that.

46
00:02:40,159 --> 00:02:41,829
(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)
(UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC)

47
00:02:43,454 --> 00:02:45,875
MAX: Why is the window open?
What is all that?

48
00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:48,293
It's me, if I had lived.

49
00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:53,215
Oh, my God.
Did you see that rack?

50
00:02:53,382 --> 00:02:56,093
See it? I have to carry it
around all day.

51
00:02:56,259 --> 00:02:58,137
-MAN: Okay, take five.
-I've been wearing the same clothes

52
00:02:58,304 --> 00:02:59,388
every day for two years.

53
00:02:59,555 --> 00:03:01,473
Now, I know that's
your dream scenario,

54
00:03:01,639 --> 00:03:03,558
but to me, it's a horror show.

55
00:03:03,725 --> 00:03:04,852
Go get new clothes.

56
00:03:05,019 --> 00:03:06,312
Just go to the place
around the corner

57
00:03:06,478 --> 00:03:07,562
and buy some cheap ones.

58
00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:09,899
Max, they sell clothes
by the pound.

59
00:03:10,064 --> 00:03:12,359
That's why it's called
The Fashion Pound,

60
00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:14,360
and that is why it is awesome.

61
00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:16,530
Look, I'm willing to cut
a lot of other things,

62
00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:19,283
including my wrists,
but I need quality clothes.

63
00:03:19,449 --> 00:03:21,284
The only reason I've been able
to wear these pants every day

64
00:03:21,451 --> 00:03:22,536
is because they're quality.

65
00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:26,664
Well, that and a lot of
Febreze, which reminds me...

66
00:03:30,002 --> 00:03:33,212
I used to smell like money.
Now, I smell like pennies.

67
00:03:34,423 --> 00:03:36,925
And, Max, you need a hit.

68
00:03:37,091 --> 00:03:38,927
'Breze me.

69
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:42,555
Hi, girls.

70
00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:45,183
(POLISH ACCENT) Did you see
the high-fashion model shoot?

71
00:03:45,893 --> 00:03:48,771
I was too short to be
a model in Poland.

72
00:03:50,021 --> 00:03:52,942
Well, I guess you can't
have it all, right?

73
00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:57,362
Do I smell Febreze?
(SNIFFS)

74
00:03:57,528 --> 00:03:59,865
That's my second-favorite scent.

75
00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:03,201
And there's my first-favorite scent.

76
00:04:03,368 --> 00:04:08,122
-Hey, Sophie.
-I'm sorry. Have we met?

77
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:12,544
I'm not good with faces that
I never want to see again.

78
00:04:13,002 --> 00:04:15,381
What happened? I thought
you guys were gonna be friends.

79
00:04:15,546 --> 00:04:17,216
Yeah, messed-up,
passive-aggressive friends

80
00:04:17,382 --> 00:04:20,677
who occasionally sleep together,
like Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell.

81
00:04:22,387 --> 00:04:24,305
Okay, I see what you're doing.

82
00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:26,391
You're pretending like we don't have

83
00:04:26,557 --> 00:04:29,644
movie-character names
for our private parts.

84
00:04:31,355 --> 00:04:32,564
Well, good-bye, miss,

85
00:04:32,730 --> 00:04:35,526
and give my regards
to Mrs. Doubtfire.

86
00:04:36,901 --> 00:04:40,531
Okay, ET, go home!

87
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:44,326
Here's your mail, girls.

88
00:04:46,452 --> 00:04:48,413
Max, Sophie had a new purse.

89
00:04:48,579 --> 00:04:50,165
Everybody has something new.

90
00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:52,668
Even the homeless lady on
the bus had a new barrette,

91
00:04:52,834 --> 00:04:54,252
and even though
her feet were split open,

92
00:04:54,420 --> 00:04:56,463
I still felt jealous.

93
00:04:56,629 --> 00:04:58,048
Oh, this is not a bill.

94
00:04:58,215 --> 00:04:59,757
Now, that's a first.

95
00:05:00,466 --> 00:05:02,552
"We are offering you a new phone,

96
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:04,596
as older flip-model phones
such as yours

97
00:05:04,762 --> 00:05:06,098
have been degraded."

98
00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:08,600
(SCOFFS) They're slut-shaming
phones now?

99
00:05:09,435 --> 00:05:12,271
I don't want a new anything.
And I like my old flip.

100
00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:14,564
Where's my damn letter from
the pants company saying,

101
00:05:14,689 --> 00:05:16,524
(URBAN ACCENT)
"Girl, those things are tired,

102
00:05:16,567 --> 00:05:18,444
here's a new pair for free?"

103
00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:20,446
If you want something
for free,

104
00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:23,197
why don't you just go on
Kickstarter like everyone else?

105
00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:25,451
You can't use it for clothes.

106
00:05:25,617 --> 00:05:27,494
Can you?

107
00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:32,249
And if you can, can I?

108
00:05:32,415 --> 00:05:35,461
Why not? It's no stupider
than candle arms.

109
00:05:35,627 --> 00:05:37,129
Now, if the candles had real arms

110
00:05:37,295 --> 00:05:38,880
and could slap
the idiots who bought them,

111
00:05:39,048 --> 00:05:40,507
I'd invest in that.

112
00:05:40,673 --> 00:05:42,384
Max, we have nothing,

113
00:05:42,550 --> 00:05:45,553
and if anybody is giving us
something for free, we're taking it.

114
00:05:45,721 --> 00:05:49,223
You are getting that free phone,
and I am begging for free clothes.

115
00:05:49,391 --> 00:05:50,808
-Things are looking up.
-(FABRIC RIPPING)

116
00:05:56,148 --> 00:05:58,692
You might want to Kickstart
some underwear.

117
00:06:04,281 --> 00:06:07,117
Well, obviously,
they don't have anything. Let's go.

118
00:06:07,283 --> 00:06:08,619
Max, stop.
My pants just ripped some more.

119
00:06:08,786 --> 00:06:10,661
I have to fix them again.

120
00:06:13,999 --> 00:06:16,168
(STAPLER CLICKING)

121
00:06:17,002 --> 00:06:18,002
A-quality.

122
00:06:18,170 --> 00:06:21,255
Why don't you just take them to
Office Depot and get them tailored?

123
00:06:21,423 --> 00:06:22,966
Let's shop.

124
00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:24,343
Ow!

125
00:06:27,428 --> 00:06:29,973
Uh-oh, they're ripping again.

126
00:06:30,139 --> 00:06:33,060
I feel a breeze up in my Febreze.

127
00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:37,064
How can I help you?

128
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:39,524
Hi... Chiandra.

129
00:06:39,691 --> 00:06:41,526
Where can I get
a new flip phone?

130
00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:45,154
Mmm. Let me think.
(SMACKS) Guatemala.

131
00:06:47,031 --> 00:06:49,909
I'll miss you, phone.
This is breaking my heart.

132
00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:53,454
Come on, Boo.
It's a phone, not Bruno Mars.

133
00:06:55,374 --> 00:06:56,750
Now, I need that letter.

134
00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:58,877
Here it is. I have it.
It's in my purse.

135
00:06:59,043 --> 00:07:02,213
What's her story?
Why is her hand on her ass?

136
00:07:02,798 --> 00:07:04,466
Her staples popped.

137
00:07:04,632 --> 00:07:06,718
Lap band?

138
00:07:07,552 --> 00:07:09,221
Happened to my cousin.

139
00:07:09,387 --> 00:07:12,014
She had a diet 7-Up and exploded.

140
00:07:12,182 --> 00:07:14,560
Then she got MS.

141
00:07:14,725 --> 00:07:17,437
According to Judge Joe Brown,
it was not related.

142
00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:20,023
(CHIANDRA CHUCKLES)

143
00:07:20,274 --> 00:07:22,108
Here, I'll just take this one.

144
00:07:22,276 --> 00:07:25,403
Slow down, now.
Take a look around.

145
00:07:25,571 --> 00:07:28,115
You got a whole world
of possibilities.

146
00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:32,161
Pick 'em up, get a feel,
hold it in your hand for a while.

147
00:07:35,204 --> 00:07:38,167
Chiandra, it's a phone,
not Bruno Mars.

148
00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:40,711
Oh, "Texting is easy

149
00:07:40,877 --> 00:07:42,754
with the new
finger friendly keyboard."

150
00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:44,463
My fingers are already too friendly.

151
00:07:44,630 --> 00:07:46,925
Ask my fourth-grade boyfriend.

152
00:07:47,091 --> 00:07:50,596
Wow, these sample texts
are getting kind of racy.

153
00:07:50,762 --> 00:07:54,432
"Bad news... I think
the condom broke last night."

154
00:07:55,893 --> 00:07:58,812
Why would anyone put that
on a display model?

155
00:07:58,978 --> 00:08:01,564
That's mine.

156
00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:17,497
I left it there by accident.

157
00:08:18,497 --> 00:08:21,084
But that's not your problem.

158
00:08:22,668 --> 00:08:25,630
Now, tell me,
what are your phone needs?

159
00:08:25,797 --> 00:08:28,591
My needs are simple.

160
00:08:28,759 --> 00:08:30,636
I need a phone that can draw
a mustache on people

161
00:08:30,802 --> 00:08:32,846
and occasionally will call
my mother and hang up.

162
00:08:34,096 --> 00:08:35,640
And she needs one
with a good camera,

163
00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:38,559
because I have to film
my video pitch for new pants.

164
00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:42,940
I have a hole in my butt.

165
00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:49,321
You know
you're supposed to, right?

166
00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:01,332
Max, I might be a virgin again.

167
00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:08,130
I love my new phone!
It's so cool and red.

168
00:09:08,298 --> 00:09:09,633
It feels like anything could happen!

169
00:09:09,799 --> 00:09:10,841
But it probably won't.

170
00:09:10,926 --> 00:09:11,717
(CELL PHONE RINGS)

171
00:09:11,884 --> 00:09:13,803
My first call.

172
00:09:13,971 --> 00:09:16,974
What do I do?
What do I do?

173
00:09:17,099 --> 00:09:17,682
Oh!

174
00:09:17,890 --> 00:09:18,975
Hello?

175
00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:21,769
Oh, hey, girl,
good for you. Bye.

176
00:09:21,937 --> 00:09:23,938
Chiandra's not pregnant.

177
00:09:24,855 --> 00:09:27,942
Max, why are you taking calls
from Chiandra?

178
00:09:28,110 --> 00:09:30,486
-We have to do my video.
-I had to take her call.

179
00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:31,989
She gave me a bunch
of free apps...

180
00:09:32,154 --> 00:09:33,282
Angry Birds, Doodle Jump.

181
00:09:33,365 --> 00:09:35,408
If you want to look like a dog,
I could do that.

182
00:09:35,491 --> 00:09:36,868
Look, here's me
as a St. Bernard.

183
00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:39,370
See my neck keg?
(CHUCKLES)

184
00:09:39,538 --> 00:09:41,206
Okay, I've done some research,

185
00:09:41,373 --> 00:09:43,542
and here's some things
other people want money for.

186
00:09:43,709 --> 00:09:46,128
One woman wants money
for a new leg.

187
00:09:46,294 --> 00:09:47,879
Scrolling.

188
00:09:48,046 --> 00:09:50,465
Wait. If she only has one leg,

189
00:09:50,631 --> 00:09:53,342
shouldn't she be
on Can't-Kickstarter?

190
00:09:54,845 --> 00:09:58,014
I'm no longer working with them.
They denied my project.

191
00:09:58,181 --> 00:10:01,851
Apparently, I'm not artsy enough
and have too many legs.

192
00:10:02,019 --> 00:10:04,187
So now I'm on Go Fund Yourself.

193
00:10:04,354 --> 00:10:07,691
Perfect. I've been telling you
to go fund yourself for years.

194
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:11,403
The future of my pants
hinges on the video pitch.

195
00:10:11,570 --> 00:10:13,322
The tone needs to be
sad and pathetic.

196
00:10:13,488 --> 00:10:15,865
Preparation done.

197
00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:19,577
What's sadder than former
billionaire Caroline Channing

198
00:10:19,745 --> 00:10:21,370
asking for money for pants?

199
00:10:21,538 --> 00:10:23,831
They're not gonna know it's me.

200
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:30,672
Are you being funded
by Al-Qaeda?

201
00:10:33,216 --> 00:10:35,302
If they're buying, I'm taking.

202
00:10:36,094 --> 00:10:38,096
And action.

203
00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:40,890
Hi. I can't tell you my name,

204
00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:44,101
and I can't show you my face
because I'm too ashamed.

205
00:10:44,269 --> 00:10:46,772
Sadly, I find myself
in a situation

206
00:10:46,937 --> 00:10:49,066
where I am no longer able
to provide myself

207
00:10:49,231 --> 00:10:51,317
with the garments I need
in order to be the best

208
00:10:51,485 --> 00:10:52,903
in my day-to-day life.

209
00:10:53,070 --> 00:10:55,322
I'm aware that this is
not a problem for everybody.

210
00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:57,657
Stop, stop! I need to take
a picture of myself

211
00:10:57,823 --> 00:10:59,658
having the most fun I've ever had.

212
00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:02,412
Your nose is coming
out of your eyehole.

213
00:11:05,499 --> 00:11:06,625
No.

214
00:11:06,792 --> 00:11:09,251
No, no, no, Max, don't stop.
I'm in a groove.

215
00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:12,047
No, you're in a bag.

216
00:11:12,089 --> 00:11:13,840
Please let me take
a picture of you in a bag

217
00:11:14,006 --> 00:11:16,592
and then turn it into a dog
and then call it a doggie bag.

218
00:11:18,845 --> 00:11:21,139
Go, Max, I'm running
out of oxygen,

219
00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:23,725
and I think there
was cheese in here.

220
00:11:24,433 --> 00:11:26,061
CAROLINE: And action.

221
00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:27,854
If I achieve my goal...

222
00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:32,442
specifically, a new pair
of quality pants...

223
00:11:34,318 --> 00:11:37,655
...then I promise I will give
back to the community,

224
00:11:37,822 --> 00:11:39,240
wearing said pants.

225
00:11:39,408 --> 00:11:41,701
All I need is $1,500.

226
00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:46,498
Stop! $1,500? How many pounds
of clothes are you getting?

227
00:11:46,664 --> 00:11:48,290
Look, it's for one pair

228
00:11:48,457 --> 00:11:52,421
of amazing Dries Van Noten silk
brocade pants... super cute.

229
00:11:52,586 --> 00:11:53,797
And, yes, it's a lot,

230
00:11:53,963 --> 00:11:56,424
but my investors
will get something in return.

231
00:11:56,591 --> 00:11:58,969
For five dollars, they will get

232
00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:00,345
the feeling of goodwill
in their heart.

233
00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:01,388
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

234
00:12:02,139 --> 00:12:04,807
For ten dollars,
I'll send them a selfie

235
00:12:04,975 --> 00:12:06,434
in the new pants
that they bought.

236
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,855
For $20, I'll send them
a selfie without pants.

237
00:12:12,274 --> 00:12:15,025
Nobody is gonna give you money
for the stuff you offered.

238
00:12:15,192 --> 00:12:18,864
"Goodwill in their hearts?"
This is the Internet. We're animals.

239
00:12:19,029 --> 00:12:21,991
You're right.
(GASPS) I have an idea.

240
00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:23,659
Camera up.

241
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:26,830
And action.

242
00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:29,331
I'm sure a lot of you
are probably thinking,

243
00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:32,668
"Look at this spoiled,
indulgent, clueless girl."

244
00:12:32,836 --> 00:12:34,754
Well, I am.

245
00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:37,591
And you're also
probably thinking,

246
00:12:37,756 --> 00:12:39,676
"God, I want to slap her."

247
00:12:39,842 --> 00:12:42,011
Well, guess what.
You can!

248
00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:44,764
For $500, you can come here

249
00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:47,808
and slap my spoiled,
clueless face.

250
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:50,854
And cut.

251
00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:52,313
Pretty good, huh?

252
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,106
Genius.
Now, here, take the camera.

253
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:56,902
I want to film my video
to raise $500 to slap you.

254
00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:05,534
Earl, look!

255
00:13:05,701 --> 00:13:08,038
I just got 20 more dollars
from one of my backers!

256
00:13:08,205 --> 00:13:09,748
Now, let me get this straight.

257
00:13:09,914 --> 00:13:13,418
You just ask people for money,
and they give it to you?

258
00:13:13,585 --> 00:13:15,378
Without using a weapon?

259
00:13:16,879 --> 00:13:20,383
Well, Earl, I guess desperation
cuts like a knife.

260
00:13:20,549 --> 00:13:22,969
Man, being white is easy.

261
00:13:24,428 --> 00:13:26,306
(GAME PLAYING ON PHONE)

262
00:13:27,849 --> 00:13:30,309
Um, we're ready to order.

263
00:13:30,519 --> 00:13:31,727
(FANFARE)

264
00:13:33,437 --> 00:13:35,398
(GAME CONTINUES)

265
00:13:36,857 --> 00:13:37,817
(FANFARE)

266
00:13:38,735 --> 00:13:40,820
Caroline, I just unlocked
the candy hammer.

267
00:13:40,986 --> 00:13:42,864
Can you go over there
and take those girls' orders?

268
00:13:43,030 --> 00:13:45,908
(IMITATING HIPSTER GIRL)
I can't. I just can't.

269
00:13:47,244 --> 00:13:48,370
(BELL DINGS)

270
00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:51,206
Oh, no way!
I just hit 1,000!

271
00:13:51,373 --> 00:13:53,750
That's almost both legs paid for!

272
00:13:53,917 --> 00:13:55,668
Uh, hello?

273
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:58,547
You're dinging and donging
right in front of my face.

274
00:13:58,712 --> 00:14:01,298
Can't you at least
put your phones on vibrate?

275
00:14:01,466 --> 00:14:03,634
I don't like to mix
business with pleasure.

276
00:14:05,095 --> 00:14:07,596
You two need to be
off your phones and working.

277
00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:09,724
Now. And no back talk.

278
00:14:10,225 --> 00:14:11,142
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

279
00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:13,894
Totally.

280
00:14:14,770 --> 00:14:15,897
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

281
00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:18,316
Totally.

282
00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:23,446
-(BOTH PHONES CHIME)
-(GIRLS GIGGLE)

283
00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:25,365
-Totally.
-Totally.

284
00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:28,368
Oh, I know what's going on.

285
00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:31,078
You're group-texting
insults about me!

286
00:14:31,245 --> 00:14:33,038
We are not.

287
00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:35,959
I got your text!

288
00:14:36,125 --> 00:14:39,962
Han does look like those minion
things in Despicable Me--

289
00:14:42,506 --> 00:14:45,884
And I thought bullying would end
when I hit four feet.

290
00:14:46,177 --> 00:14:46,845
(BELL DINGS)

291
00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:49,889
Oh, my God!
I'm getting my new pants!

292
00:14:50,056 --> 00:14:51,640
I just got a 500 dollar pledge!

293
00:14:51,807 --> 00:14:54,811
Somebody wants to slap me!
Somebody wants to slap me!

294
00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:56,605
Just one person?

295
00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:02,568
Han insists we can't leave
tonight without doing our side work,

296
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:05,404
so I made him into a chihuahua
wearing a diaper. (LAUGHS)

297
00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:07,907
Check your phone.

298
00:15:08,073 --> 00:15:09,116
Caroline?

299
00:15:09,283 --> 00:15:10,994
CAROLINE:
Someone got some new pants!

300
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,163
(DANCE MUSIC STARTS)

301
00:15:20,879 --> 00:15:21,629
(MUSIC STOPS)

302
00:15:21,796 --> 00:15:23,255
I wasn't finished!

303
00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:25,341
No, I was.

304
00:15:25,508 --> 00:15:27,134
Max, I didn't want to tell you this,

305
00:15:27,302 --> 00:15:29,471
but I was secretly worried
my booty was gone.

306
00:15:29,638 --> 00:15:31,096
Turns out, it was just the pants.

307
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:33,350
It's still there.
Take a picture of it.

308
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:35,518
Okay, let me see.

309
00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:36,686
(GASPS)

310
00:15:36,977 --> 00:15:39,730
Perfect! Now, let's send a group-text
to our diner family,

311
00:15:39,898 --> 00:15:40,940
and I'd like you
to copy me on that,

312
00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:43,610
because I want to send it to my dad
in prison. He'll be so proud.

313
00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:47,154
Yeah, 'cause I'm sure
he's not seeing any asses there.

314
00:15:47,322 --> 00:15:49,115
You know what I love
about these pants?

315
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:51,201
How they make my butt look--

316
00:15:51,368 --> 00:15:53,745
Can you see it
through the window?

317
00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:56,789
I got new pants.

318
00:15:57,956 --> 00:15:59,375
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

319
00:16:00,085 --> 00:16:02,086
Hey, Earl,
you got my text, right?

320
00:16:02,253 --> 00:16:03,922
You mean that picture
of Caroline in her pants

321
00:16:04,089 --> 00:16:06,508
that said,
"I'm so sick of her?"

322
00:16:06,674 --> 00:16:10,177
I know, right? If she ever gets
a new shirt, just kill me.

323
00:16:10,345 --> 00:16:12,013
I hear you, Max,
but I just can't believe

324
00:16:12,179 --> 00:16:14,182
you included her on the text.

325
00:16:14,349 --> 00:16:15,933
(LAUGHS) Yeah.

326
00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:17,644
What?

327
00:16:17,811 --> 00:16:20,772
Oh, my God.
I didn't take her off the chain.

328
00:16:20,938 --> 00:16:22,565
I mean, if you're
gonna trash a child,

329
00:16:22,731 --> 00:16:25,402
you got to take her off the chain.

330
00:16:25,567 --> 00:16:26,985
Look, Earl, they're here!

331
00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:29,029
Look what your ten dollars
is buying you!

332
00:16:29,197 --> 00:16:30,532
Not looking.
Don't want to know.

333
00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:33,201
I'm taking myself off the chain.

334
00:16:33,368 --> 00:16:35,077
Hey, Caroline.

335
00:16:35,245 --> 00:16:37,205
-Did you get my text?
-Not yet.

336
00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:38,581
The front of the diner
is a bad reception area.

337
00:16:38,623 --> 00:16:39,331
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

338
00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:41,459
No, no, no.
Don't reach for that.

339
00:16:41,625 --> 00:16:44,129
It's probably just an Amber Alert.

340
00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:47,005
Why are you acting weird?

341
00:16:47,173 --> 00:16:49,801
Are you jealous
of my new pants?

342
00:16:50,592 --> 00:16:54,471
No, but I may have texted something
about you that I didn't mean,

343
00:16:54,639 --> 00:16:56,265
so just please
don't look at your phone.

344
00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:00,894
Okay. If it's something bad,
I don't want to see it anyway.

345
00:17:02,563 --> 00:17:04,356
She's gonna look at it,
isn't she, Earl?

346
00:17:04,523 --> 00:17:05,607
I would.

347
00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:08,193
She just did.

348
00:17:09,653 --> 00:17:11,448
-You're so sick of me?
-(LAUGHS)

349
00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:14,409
'Cause it's funny!

350
00:17:14,576 --> 00:17:16,618
(CACKLES)
"I'm so sick of you!"

351
00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:19,663
You know, said funny.

352
00:17:19,830 --> 00:17:22,333
You know how I am.
Ask Earl. Earl, help.

353
00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:24,501
I am off the chain.

354
00:17:25,336 --> 00:17:27,505
-Oleg, help.
-I'll be in my car.

355
00:17:28,757 --> 00:17:30,215
Oh, look, look!
Here's Han!

356
00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:32,218
He knows how I'm always
just joking.

357
00:17:32,384 --> 00:17:34,554
Han, nod your head
and don't ask why.

358
00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:36,221
Oh, no, last time you
asked me to do that,

359
00:17:36,388 --> 00:17:38,807
I wound up on a date with an albino.

360
00:17:40,101 --> 00:17:42,228
And who didn't call who back?

361
00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:45,022
I don't know how
they're so confident.

362
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:49,903
Max, you said
you were sick of me.

363
00:17:50,068 --> 00:17:52,070
Why are you so upset?

364
00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:54,449
I say worse things
to you all the time.

365
00:17:54,615 --> 00:17:56,534
Yesterday I said
you were sad and pathetic.

366
00:17:56,701 --> 00:17:58,368
But that was to my face.

367
00:17:58,536 --> 00:18:01,079
I can't believe you talk
about me behind my back.

368
00:18:01,247 --> 00:18:03,791
It's bad. I am sorry.
What can I do?

369
00:18:03,958 --> 00:18:06,627
Hit me. Punch me.
Tell my mother where I live.

370
00:18:07,377 --> 00:18:08,671
Congratulations, Max.

371
00:18:08,837 --> 00:18:12,467
Now you're like all my old
girlfriends, talking behind my back.

372
00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:18,347
Stop looking at that.
Delete it.

373
00:18:18,515 --> 00:18:20,767
This is not what I think.
I'm not sick of you.

374
00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:23,353
Really, 'cause when I see it
in writing, it feels like you are.

375
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:25,270
It's not me.
It's this phone.

376
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:28,607
It brought out the ugliness
that was kind of already there.

377
00:18:29,983 --> 00:18:30,734
(SIZZLING)

378
00:18:30,902 --> 00:18:34,154
There!
I killed it because it hurt you.

379
00:18:34,322 --> 00:18:38,034
I swear I didn't mean it.
You have to believe me.

380
00:18:38,201 --> 00:18:39,868
It's fine, Max.

381
00:18:41,996 --> 00:18:44,374
I feel like
I'm gonna throw up.

382
00:18:49,628 --> 00:18:53,258
There. I French-fried my phone.
What else can I do?

383
00:18:53,423 --> 00:18:56,094
I mean, really,
it is technology's fault.

384
00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:57,636
It's turning us
against each other.

385
00:18:57,804 --> 00:19:01,348
Caroline, I swear,
I will never accidentally say

386
00:19:01,516 --> 00:19:04,602
anything about you again
that I never meant.

387
00:19:05,228 --> 00:19:07,271
I have to get ready for work.
It's fine.

388
00:19:08,355 --> 00:19:10,692
Stop saying that.
Please stop saying it's fine.

389
00:19:10,858 --> 00:19:12,151
"Fine" doesn't mean fine.

390
00:19:12,317 --> 00:19:14,695
The scale goes great, good, okay,

391
00:19:14,863 --> 00:19:16,823
not okay, I hate you, fine.

392
00:19:17,365 --> 00:19:18,575
If "fine" meant fine,
that'd be great,

393
00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:19,951
but it doesn't, okay?

394
00:19:20,117 --> 00:19:22,452
You're right. It's not fine.
It sucks. I'm hurt.

395
00:19:22,619 --> 00:19:24,122
You're the one person
I care most about.

396
00:19:24,288 --> 00:19:26,958
No, you are the one person
I care the most about.

397
00:19:27,125 --> 00:19:29,376
Well, right now
it doesn't feel that way.

398
00:19:29,544 --> 00:19:31,921
It has to feel that way!
You are my best friend, Caroline!

399
00:19:32,087 --> 00:19:33,548
I love you.

400
00:19:43,348 --> 00:19:46,560
Oh, my God, now I'm
really gonna throw up.

401
00:19:47,604 --> 00:19:49,980
Max, is that the first time
you said "I love you?"

402
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:54,152
Don't look at me.
I'm embarrassed.

403
00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:56,487
Now what do we do?

404
00:19:56,653 --> 00:19:58,823
So you're not sick of me?

405
00:19:58,990 --> 00:20:03,493
You are the only person
in the entire world I am not sick of.

406
00:20:03,661 --> 00:20:05,747
Caroline...

407
00:20:07,205 --> 00:20:09,917
There's a woman here who said
she paid to slap you.

408
00:20:10,084 --> 00:20:11,251
If I had known it was an option,

409
00:20:11,419 --> 00:20:13,671
I would have thrown my name
into that hat.

410
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:19,928
Well, time to put this on.
That's my 500 dollar pledge.

411
00:20:20,094 --> 00:20:21,762
-I'll go.
-What?

412
00:20:21,930 --> 00:20:23,597
I'll take it. I deserve it.

413
00:20:23,765 --> 00:20:26,142
You've already gotten
a slap in the face from me.

414
00:20:26,308 --> 00:20:27,935
But she's expecting to see me.

415
00:20:28,102 --> 00:20:31,647
No, she's expecting to see a clueless
woman wearing a paper bag.

416
00:20:31,814 --> 00:20:33,566
Even though I wasn't planning
on becoming that woman

417
00:20:33,732 --> 00:20:36,277
for another 20, 25 years,
I owe you.

418
00:20:42,032 --> 00:20:44,368
Seriously?
You're not gonna stop me?

419
00:20:46,328 --> 00:20:47,454
Nope.

420
00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:51,459
And, Max... I love you too.

421
00:20:52,835 --> 00:20:54,836
I'm so sick of you.

422
00:20:57,131 --> 00:20:58,548
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

423
00:21:22,198 --> 00:21:24,200
(English US - SDH)