Oh, hey.
You ready?
I can't. I just can't.
Everyone feels like that the first few times you eat here.
It's like heroin. It makes you sick, and you think,
"I'll never do that again," and here we are.
No, we put our project on Kickstarter,
and we're getting major funding right now.
And I can't. I just can't.
Kickstarter... that's the website where strangers give money for crap
that no one in the real world would invest in, right?
Exactly, but our project isn't crap. It's bananas.
We design candles with arms.
I can't. I just can't.
Don't you have a passion project? something you've always wanted to do?
Yeah, you can't just want to be a waitress your whole life.
(CHUCKLES) Actually, I do have a Kickstarter idea.
I'd like to start kicking your asses!
You know we work for tips, right?
Yeah. This one got away from me.
(THEME MUSIC)
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
Okay, listen up, it's Tuesday,
and like Martin Luther King, I have a dream.
Tonight you will do side work.
Hold up, girl. I have ten minutes till my shift starts.
Max, that is not appropriate. I'm your boss. Don't call me "girl."
Yes, ma'am.
Okay, you want to play? I'll play.
Hey, sir. Hey, big manny man.
Why don't you show me your penis?
Han, you know I don't have a penis.
It's the only thing we have in common.
-Where's Caroline? -In the back at our cupcake shop.
Why? You don't open your walk-up window till you close here at night?
She's getting a jump on our side work.
What? We can't do ours and yours.
Relax, Marjorie.
Keep it up, Max, and one day I will show you my penis.
And you'll be sorry.
Yes. Yes, I will.
That's it! New rule! No more making fun of the boss!
Han doesn't want us calling him names anymore.
It's like, if you don't want to be called names,
don't look like that.
(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING) (UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC)
MAX: Why is the window open? What is all that?
It's me, if I had lived.
Oh, my God. Did you see that rack?
See it? I have to carry it around all day.
-MAN: Okay, take five. -I've been wearing the same clothes
every day for two years.
Now, I know that's your dream scenario,
but to me, it's a horror show.
Go get new clothes.
Just go to the place around the corner
and buy some cheap ones.
Max, they sell clothes by the pound.
That's why it's called The Fashion Pound,
and that is why it is awesome.
Look, I'm willing to cut a lot of other things,
including my wrists, but I need quality clothes.
The only reason I've been able to wear these pants every day
is because they're quality.
Well, that and a lot of Febreze, which reminds me...
I used to smell like money. Now, I smell like pennies.
And, Max, you need a hit.
'Breze me.
Hi, girls.
(POLISH ACCENT) Did you see the high-fashion model shoot?
I was too short to be a model in Poland.
Well, I guess you can't have it all, right?
Do I smell Febreze? (SNIFFS)
That's my second-favorite scent.
And there's my first-favorite scent.
-Hey, Sophie. -I'm sorry. Have we met?
I'm not good with faces that I never want to see again.
What happened? I thought you guys were gonna be friends.
Yeah, messed-up, passive-aggressive friends
who occasionally sleep together, like Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell.
Okay, I see what you're doing.
You're pretending like we don't have
movie-character names for our private parts.
Well, good-bye, miss,
and give my regards to Mrs. Doubtfire.
Okay, ET, go home!
Here's your mail, girls.
Max, Sophie had a new purse.
Everybody has something new.
Even the homeless lady on the bus had a new barrette,
and even though her feet were split open,
I still felt jealous.
Oh, this is not a bill.
Now, that's a first.
"We are offering you a new phone,
as older flip-model phones such as yours
have been degraded."
(SCOFFS) They're slut-shaming phones now?
I don't want a new anything. And I like my old flip.
Where's my damn letter from the pants company saying,
(URBAN ACCENT) "Girl, those things are tired,
here's a new pair for free?"
If you want something for free,
why don't you just go on Kickstarter like everyone else?
You can't use it for clothes.
Can you?
And if you can, can I?
Why not? It's no stupider than candle arms.
Now, if the candles had real arms
and could slap the idiots who bought them,
I'd invest in that.
Max, we have nothing,
and if anybody is giving us something for free, we're taking it.
You are getting that free phone, and I am begging for free clothes.
-Things are looking up. -(FABRIC RIPPING)
You might want to Kickstart some underwear.
Well, obviously, they don't have anything. Let's go.
Max, stop. My pants just ripped some more.
I have to fix them again.
(STAPLER CLICKING)
A-quality.
Why don't you just take them to Office Depot and get them tailored?
Let's shop.
Ow!
Uh-oh, they're ripping again.
I feel a breeze up in my Febreze.
How can I help you?
Hi... Chiandra.
Where can I get a new flip phone?
Mmm. Let me think. (SMACKS) Guatemala.
I'll miss you, phone. This is breaking my heart.
Come on, Boo. It's a phone, not Bruno Mars.
Now, I need that letter.
Here it is. I have it. It's in my purse.
What's her story? Why is her hand on her ass?
Her staples popped.
Lap band?
Happened to my cousin.
She had a diet 7-Up and exploded.
Then she got MS.
According to Judge Joe Brown, it was not related.
(CHIANDRA CHUCKLES)
Here, I'll just take this one.
Slow down, now. Take a look around.
You got a whole world of possibilities.
Pick 'em up, get a feel, hold it in your hand for a while.
Chiandra, it's a phone, not Bruno Mars.
Oh, "Texting is easy
with the new finger friendly keyboard."
My fingers are already too friendly.
Ask my fourth-grade boyfriend.
Wow, these sample texts are getting kind of racy.
"Bad news... I think the condom broke last night."
Why would anyone put that on a display model?
That's mine.
I left it there by accident.
But that's not your problem.
Now, tell me, what are your phone needs?
My needs are simple.
I need a phone that can draw a mustache on people
and occasionally will call my mother and hang up.
And she needs one with a good camera,
because I have to film my video pitch for new pants.
I have a hole in my butt.
You know you're supposed to, right?
Max, I might be a virgin again.
I love my new phone! It's so cool and red.
It feels like anything could happen!
But it probably won't.
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
My first call.
What do I do? What do I do?
Oh!
Hello?
Oh, hey, girl, good for you. Bye.
Chiandra's not pregnant.
Max, why are you taking calls from Chiandra?
-We have to do my video. -I had to take her call.
She gave me a bunch of free apps...
Angry Birds, Doodle Jump.
If you want to look like a dog, I could do that.
Look, here's me as a St. Bernard.
See my neck keg? (CHUCKLES)
Okay, I've done some research,
and here's some things other people want money for.
One woman wants money for a new leg.
Scrolling.
Wait. If she only has one leg,
shouldn't she be on Can't-Kickstarter?
I'm no longer working with them. They denied my project.
Apparently, I'm not artsy enough and have too many legs.
So now I'm on Go Fund Yourself.
Perfect. I've been telling you to go fund yourself for years.
The future of my pants hinges on the video pitch.
The tone needs to be sad and pathetic.
Preparation done.
What's sadder than former billionaire Caroline Channing
asking for money for pants?
They're not gonna know it's me.
Are you being funded by Al-Qaeda?
If they're buying, I'm taking.
And action.
Hi. I can't tell you my name,
and I can't show you my face because I'm too ashamed.
Sadly, I find myself in a situation
where I am no longer able to provide myself
with the garments I need in order to be the best
in my day-to-day life.
I'm aware that this is not a problem for everybody.
Stop, stop! I need to take a picture of myself
having the most fun I've ever had.
Your nose is coming out of your eyehole.
No.
No, no, no, Max, don't stop. I'm in a groove.
No, you're in a bag.
Please let me take a picture of you in a bag
and then turn it into a dog and then call it a doggie bag.
Go, Max, I'm running out of oxygen,
and I think there was cheese in here.
CAROLINE: And action.
If I achieve my goal...
specifically, a new pair of quality pants...
...then I promise I will give back to the community,
wearing said pants.
All I need is $1,500.
Stop! $1,500? How many pounds of clothes are you getting?
Look, it's for one pair
of amazing Dries Van Noten silk brocade pants... super cute.
And, yes, it's a lot,
but my investors will get something in return.
For five dollars, they will get
the feeling of goodwill in their heart.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
For ten dollars, I'll send them a selfie
in the new pants that they bought.
For $20, I'll send them a selfie without pants.
Nobody is gonna give you money for the stuff you offered.
"Goodwill in their hearts?" This is the Internet. We're animals.
You're right. (GASPS) I have an idea.
Camera up.
And action.
I'm sure a lot of you are probably thinking,
"Look at this spoiled, indulgent, clueless girl."
Well, I am.
And you're also probably thinking,
"God, I want to slap her."
Well, guess what. You can!
For $500, you can come here
and slap my spoiled, clueless face.
And cut.
Pretty good, huh?
Genius. Now, here, take the camera.
I want to film my video to raise $500 to slap you.
Earl, look!
I just got 20 more dollars from one of my backers!
Now, let me get this straight.
You just ask people for money, and they give it to you?
Without using a weapon?
Well, Earl, I guess desperation cuts like a knife.
Man, being white is easy.
(GAME PLAYING ON PHONE)
Um, we're ready to order.
(FANFARE)
(GAME CONTINUES)
(FANFARE)
Caroline, I just unlocked the candy hammer.
Can you go over there and take those girls' orders?
(IMITATING HIPSTER GIRL) I can't. I just can't.
(BELL DINGS)
Oh, no way! I just hit 1,000!
That's almost both legs paid for!
Uh, hello?
You're dinging and donging right in front of my face.
Can't you at least put your phones on vibrate?
I don't like to mix business with pleasure.
You two need to be off your phones and working.
Now. And no back talk.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Totally.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Totally.
-(BOTH PHONES CHIME) -(GIRLS GIGGLE)
-Totally. -Totally.
Oh, I know what's going on.
You're group-texting insults about me!
We are not.
I got your text!
Han does look like those minion things in Despicable Me--
And I thought bullying would end when I hit four feet.
(BELL DINGS)
Oh, my God! I'm getting my new pants!
I just got a 500 dollar pledge!
Somebody wants to slap me! Somebody wants to slap me!
Just one person?
Han insists we can't leave tonight without doing our side work,
so I made him into a chihuahua wearing a diaper. (LAUGHS)
Check your phone.
Caroline?
CAROLINE: Someone got some new pants!
(DANCE MUSIC STARTS)
(MUSIC STOPS)
I wasn't finished!
No, I was.
Max, I didn't want to tell you this,
but I was secretly worried my booty was gone.
Turns out, it was just the pants.
It's still there. Take a picture of it.
Okay, let me see.
(GASPS)
Perfect! Now, let's send a group-text to our diner family,
and I'd like you to copy me on that,
because I want to send it to my dad in prison. He'll be so proud.
Yeah, 'cause I'm sure he's not seeing any asses there.
You know what I love about these pants?
How they make my butt look--
Can you see it through the window?
I got new pants.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Hey, Earl, you got my text, right?
You mean that picture of Caroline in her pants
that said, "I'm so sick of her?"
I know, right? If she ever gets a new shirt, just kill me.
I hear you, Max, but I just can't believe
you included her on the text.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
What?
Oh, my God. I didn't take her off the chain.
I mean, if you're gonna trash a child,
you got to take her off the chain.
Look, Earl, they're here!
Look what your ten dollars is buying you!
Not looking. Don't want to know.
I'm taking myself off the chain.
Hey, Caroline.
-Did you get my text? -Not yet.
The front of the diner is a bad reception area.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
No, no, no. Don't reach for that.
It's probably just an Amber Alert.
Why are you acting weird?
Are you jealous of my new pants?
No, but I may have texted something about you that I didn't mean,
so just please don't look at your phone.
Okay. If it's something bad, I don't want to see it anyway.
She's gonna look at it, isn't she, Earl?
I would.
She just did.
-You're so sick of me? -(LAUGHS)
'Cause it's funny!
(CACKLES) "I'm so sick of you!"
You know, said funny.
You know how I am. Ask Earl. Earl, help.
I am off the chain.
-Oleg, help. -I'll be in my car.
Oh, look, look! Here's Han!
He knows how I'm always just joking.
Han, nod your head and don't ask why.
Oh, no, last time you asked me to do that,
I wound up on a date with an albino.
And who didn't call who back?
I don't know how they're so confident.
Max, you said you were sick of me.
Why are you so upset?
I say worse things to you all the time.
Yesterday I said you were sad and pathetic.
But that was to my face.
I can't believe you talk about me behind my back.
It's bad. I am sorry. What can I do?
Hit me. Punch me. Tell my mother where I live.
Congratulations, Max.
Now you're like all my old girlfriends, talking behind my back.
Stop looking at that. Delete it.
This is not what I think. I'm not sick of you.
Really, 'cause when I see it in writing, it feels like you are.
It's not me. It's this phone.
It brought out the ugliness that was kind of already there.
(SIZZLING)
There! I killed it because it hurt you.
I swear I didn't mean it. You have to believe me.
It's fine, Max.
I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
There. I French-fried my phone. What else can I do?
I mean, really, it is technology's fault.
It's turning us against each other.
Caroline, I swear, I will never accidentally say
anything about you again that I never meant.
I have to get ready for work. It's fine.
Stop saying that. Please stop saying it's fine.
"Fine" doesn't mean fine.
The scale goes great, good, okay,
not okay, I hate you, fine.
If "fine" meant fine, that'd be great,
but it doesn't, okay?
You're right. It's not fine. It sucks. I'm hurt.
You're the one person I care most about.
No, you are the one person I care the most about.
Well, right now it doesn't feel that way.
It has to feel that way! You are my best friend, Caroline!
I love you.
Oh, my God, now I'm really gonna throw up.
Max, is that the first time you said "I love you?"
Don't look at me. I'm embarrassed.
Now what do we do?
So you're not sick of me?
You are the only person in the entire world I am not sick of.
Caroline...
There's a woman here who said she paid to slap you.
If I had known it was an option,
I would have thrown my name into that hat.
Well, time to put this on. That's my 500 dollar pledge.
-I'll go. -What?
I'll take it. I deserve it.
You've already gotten a slap in the face from me.
But she's expecting to see me.
No, she's expecting to see a clueless woman wearing a paper bag.
Even though I wasn't planning on becoming that woman
for another 20, 25 years, I owe you.
Seriously? You're not gonna stop me?
Nope.
And, Max... I love you too.
I'm so sick of you.
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
(English US - SDH)