1 00:00:00,793 --> 00:00:01,919 Hi, how can I help you? 2 00:00:02,085 --> 00:00:05,131 And by that I mean, "What's the least I can do to help you?" 3 00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:07,341 I'll have the burger with the fries. 4 00:00:08,134 --> 00:00:09,884 She'll have it with the salad. 5 00:00:12,762 --> 00:00:13,930 But I want the fries. 6 00:00:14,098 --> 00:00:16,600 Well, you want them, but you don't need them. 7 00:00:19,394 --> 00:00:21,105 Fine. The salad. 8 00:00:21,856 --> 00:00:23,399 I have to pee. 9 00:00:24,734 --> 00:00:26,736 -Hi, what's your name? -David. 10 00:00:26,902 --> 00:00:28,821 David, you should go. 11 00:00:30,530 --> 00:00:31,614 I'm sorry? 12 00:00:31,824 --> 00:00:32,950 You want her to have salad, 13 00:00:32,991 --> 00:00:34,118 she wants you to have hair. 14 00:00:34,243 --> 00:00:36,119 Neither one's gonna happen tonight. 15 00:00:37,787 --> 00:00:40,832 Yeah, it's not gonna work out between you and French fries. 16 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:43,168 Oh, maybe it will for a week or a year. 17 00:00:43,335 --> 00:00:45,503 Depends if she was molested as a kid. 18 00:00:45,838 --> 00:00:47,715 But one of these days, she's coming after you. 19 00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:49,841 Probably in the dark. Probably with a knife. 20 00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:53,720 And she's gonna cut off one or both of your balls. 21 00:00:54,345 --> 00:00:55,972 And you won't think a side of fries matters 22 00:00:56,055 --> 00:00:58,267 when you have zero balls. 23 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:00,770 She'll have the fries. 24 00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:02,896 Yes, she will. 25 00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:05,024 Good for us. We saved another woman's dignity 26 00:01:05,106 --> 00:01:06,692 and another man's balls. 27 00:01:06,858 --> 00:01:09,403 Yeah, we're like Dr. Phil but more qualified. 28 00:01:11,989 --> 00:01:14,492 (THEME MUSIC) 29 00:01:23,209 --> 00:01:25,628 Well, here I am, the owner, waiting on tables. 30 00:01:25,795 --> 00:01:28,963 Does Barack Obama unclog the White House toilets? 31 00:01:29,799 --> 00:01:31,257 What's wrong with this picture? 32 00:01:31,591 --> 00:01:33,384 Well, off the top of my head, 33 00:01:33,426 --> 00:01:35,221 I ordered a coffee ten minutes ago 34 00:01:35,346 --> 00:01:38,057 and you still haven't gotten it. 35 00:01:39,808 --> 00:01:41,310 Hey, man, I'm in the weeds here. 36 00:01:41,477 --> 00:01:44,438 Well, if you've got weed, cancel the coffee. 37 00:01:46,022 --> 00:01:47,316 Uh, ladies, you're late. 38 00:01:47,399 --> 00:01:50,360 And Little Man Tate over there is in a mood. 39 00:01:50,735 --> 00:01:52,862 Why, is he teething again? 40 00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:55,783 Uh, hello? 41 00:01:55,908 --> 00:01:58,493 You were supposed to be here ten minutes ago. 42 00:01:58,661 --> 00:02:00,287 In Korea, your heads would be on sticks 43 00:02:00,328 --> 00:02:01,789 outside the Samsung factory 44 00:02:01,914 --> 00:02:03,998 and you would still have to work. 45 00:02:04,542 --> 00:02:06,751 There is no coffee prepped for your shift. 46 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,920 FYI, tiny dancer... 47 00:02:09,462 --> 00:02:12,174 ...prepping coffee is that lazy-ass day waiter's job. 48 00:02:12,341 --> 00:02:13,675 So don't blame us. 49 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,804 It's not our fault you hired an incompetent wait staff. 50 00:02:17,096 --> 00:02:19,306 Hurry up. You two need to make coffee. 51 00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:21,057 And you need to hire a new day waiter. 52 00:02:21,224 --> 00:02:23,227 And maybe while you're getting new things around here, 53 00:02:23,394 --> 00:02:25,020 how about a brand-new coffeemaker? 54 00:02:25,187 --> 00:02:27,480 One that isn't from an Edward Hopper painting. 55 00:02:29,108 --> 00:02:31,568 Am I the only one who's been to a museum? 56 00:02:32,110 --> 00:02:33,444 Uh, excuse me. 57 00:02:33,570 --> 00:02:36,406 I've been to the art section of Bed, Bath & Beyond. 58 00:02:36,949 --> 00:02:39,742 What if I told you I already got you what you want? 59 00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:41,662 A high-end cappuccino machine? 60 00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:43,122 Listen, blonde ambition, 61 00:02:43,204 --> 00:02:44,622 I know you only want me to get one 62 00:02:44,747 --> 00:02:46,625 so you can use it at your cupcake window. 63 00:02:46,709 --> 00:02:47,918 How dare you? 64 00:02:48,085 --> 00:02:49,920 Unless you're comfortable with that. 65 00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:52,590 No, I meant the new day waiter. 66 00:02:52,715 --> 00:02:54,925 He's in the kitchen. Go train the new guy. 67 00:02:55,091 --> 00:02:56,926 What happened to the guy we told you to fire? 68 00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,344 We loved him. 69 00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:00,347 Okay, we'll go train the new guy now. 70 00:03:00,431 --> 00:03:01,764 But about that coffeemaker, 71 00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:03,224 what if go halfsies with you? 72 00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:04,475 We can't afford to go halfsies. 73 00:03:04,602 --> 00:03:05,978 We can't even go quarter-sies 74 00:03:06,103 --> 00:03:08,479 or eight-sies or whatever's after eight-sies. 75 00:03:08,646 --> 00:03:10,524 Sixteenth-sies. 76 00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:12,693 Shoot yourselves. 77 00:03:14,277 --> 00:03:15,194 (SPRAY HISSING) 78 00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:21,993 Did he say train the new guy or new gay? 79 00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:26,247 Hi, you must be the new day waiter. 80 00:03:26,414 --> 00:03:30,252 Ah, you must be the late girls who are supposed to train me. 81 00:03:30,586 --> 00:03:31,836 Yes, I'm Luis. 82 00:03:32,003 --> 00:03:34,381 Did he say Luis or Louise? 83 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:36,216 I'll be out in a minute. 84 00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:38,218 I have to let this cream dry on my face. 85 00:03:38,509 --> 00:03:40,346 Oh, I always wait for the cream to dry. 86 00:03:40,471 --> 00:03:42,264 It's the polite thing to do. 87 00:03:42,555 --> 00:03:43,598 I'm Max. 88 00:03:43,765 --> 00:03:46,435 Oh, Max is funny. 89 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:47,728 Look at her. 90 00:03:47,937 --> 00:03:51,397 Oh, funny to mask the pain. 91 00:03:51,564 --> 00:03:52,858 I see you. 92 00:03:54,109 --> 00:03:55,777 Oh, and you're both pretty. 93 00:03:55,944 --> 00:03:57,905 Look at blondie. 94 00:03:58,072 --> 00:03:59,865 What have you had done? 95 00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:04,078 Oh, me? Nothing, but thank you. 96 00:04:04,118 --> 00:04:05,496 I'm Caroline. 97 00:04:05,663 --> 00:04:08,539 Well, nice to meet you, but we won't be friends. 98 00:04:08,706 --> 00:04:10,125 I don't get attached. 99 00:04:10,209 --> 00:04:12,544 I'm a lifer, I've been a waiter, 27 years. 100 00:04:12,711 --> 00:04:14,379 I've been a waiter 27 years too, 101 00:04:14,462 --> 00:04:16,089 and I'm only 26. 102 00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:20,511 And I don't get personal, so don't ask me how old I am. 103 00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:24,180 I am 53. 104 00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:27,184 Well, my face is five. 105 00:04:27,350 --> 00:04:28,726 You look amazing. 106 00:04:28,894 --> 00:04:30,312 I've only been waiting tables two years. 107 00:04:30,396 --> 00:04:31,980 My main focus is our cupcake business. 108 00:04:32,021 --> 00:04:33,314 We just opened a walk-up window-- 109 00:04:33,399 --> 00:04:35,651 Honey, honey, I don't need to know your life. 110 00:04:36,110 --> 00:04:37,528 You don't need to know mine. 111 00:04:37,694 --> 00:04:39,153 Did my father put a gun in his mouth 112 00:04:39,237 --> 00:04:40,613 at my seventh birthday party? 113 00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:43,242 Yes, but I don't bring that to work. 114 00:04:44,201 --> 00:04:46,245 And I'm in love with you. 115 00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:48,122 Don't do that. 116 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:49,872 Don't fall in love with me. 117 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:52,292 You know those gays that don't like women? 118 00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:53,961 I'm one of them. 119 00:04:54,043 --> 00:04:56,963 (CELL PHONE PLAYS UP-TEMPO RINGTONE) 120 00:04:58,507 --> 00:05:00,591 Is that the theme song from Sex and the City? 121 00:05:00,759 --> 00:05:02,677 You know it is. 122 00:05:03,678 --> 00:05:05,389 I'm a "Charlotte". 123 00:05:06,514 --> 00:05:07,807 So am I! 124 00:05:07,932 --> 00:05:09,100 There's not a lot of us. 125 00:05:09,268 --> 00:05:12,312 I'm all the dead girls from American Horror Story. 126 00:05:15,399 --> 00:05:17,108 Well, let's get this train on the tracks. 127 00:05:17,276 --> 00:05:19,028 Follow me, "Charlotte". 128 00:05:19,944 --> 00:05:21,988 I'm not giving up on our cappuccino machine. 129 00:05:22,113 --> 00:05:24,449 I'm gonna work Han hard until he gives it to me. 130 00:05:24,615 --> 00:05:26,492 And yes, I just heard how that sounded. 131 00:05:27,201 --> 00:05:29,163 Okay, Luis, here's how the tables work. 132 00:05:29,245 --> 00:05:30,872 We got the four-tops. We got the two-tops. 133 00:05:30,913 --> 00:05:32,624 -Are you a top? -Oh, please. 134 00:05:32,790 --> 00:05:36,252 No one is pushing this 25,000 dollar face into a pillow. 135 00:05:37,963 --> 00:05:40,882 Uh, I'm ready to order. 136 00:05:41,216 --> 00:05:43,093 Luis, why don't you take that table? 137 00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:44,970 It's part of your training, and I don't want to. 138 00:05:46,596 --> 00:05:48,223 Earl, that's the new day waiter. 139 00:05:48,264 --> 00:05:50,225 He's also the new gay waiter. 140 00:05:50,641 --> 00:05:52,478 Oh, I love the gays. 141 00:05:52,603 --> 00:05:53,978 They turned an old crack house 142 00:05:54,062 --> 00:05:56,689 in my neighborhood into a cheese shop. 143 00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:00,569 I heard that cheese shop has really good crack. 144 00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:02,821 What's the soup of the day? 145 00:06:03,654 --> 00:06:05,783 What does it say on the board? 146 00:06:06,408 --> 00:06:08,035 And you're trained. 147 00:06:08,826 --> 00:06:10,286 Max, Han said no, 148 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,247 and we need that cappuccino maker for our shop 149 00:06:12,456 --> 00:06:15,125 if we're ever gonna compete with the Starbucks around the corner. 150 00:06:15,291 --> 00:06:18,170 Or the other corner. Or the other corner. 151 00:06:18,336 --> 00:06:20,880 Or the one that's currently being built in my ass. 152 00:06:21,964 --> 00:06:24,550 What? It's prime real estate. 153 00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:26,302 Everything else in Williamsburg is taken. 154 00:06:28,012 --> 00:06:29,680 Caroline, you need a cappuccino machine? 155 00:06:29,764 --> 00:06:30,848 I can get you one cheap. 156 00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:31,891 I know a guy. 157 00:06:31,934 --> 00:06:33,185 And if you need clean urine 158 00:06:33,268 --> 00:06:35,687 or a micro pig, I also know that guy. 159 00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:39,774 Oh, my God. Who was that? 160 00:06:42,819 --> 00:06:45,488 Oh, that's... That's Oleg. He's the cook. 161 00:06:45,656 --> 00:06:48,324 He is gorgeous. 162 00:06:51,829 --> 00:06:52,954 I'm so excited. 163 00:06:53,038 --> 00:06:54,497 Our new machine will be here any minute. 164 00:06:54,665 --> 00:06:57,292 Our lives are about to get a lot more cappuccino-y. 165 00:06:57,459 --> 00:07:00,711 Or should I say a latte more cappuccino-y? 166 00:07:00,879 --> 00:07:03,132 No, you should not say any of that. 167 00:07:03,339 --> 00:07:06,468 And as for that "special price" Oleg said he'd give us, 168 00:07:06,509 --> 00:07:10,096 in all my three-ways, I'm up to bat first, and I don't kiss. 169 00:07:11,014 --> 00:07:14,016 (GROANS) During the day, it is "Hot In Herre." 170 00:07:14,518 --> 00:07:16,812 Thanks for the weather report, Ursher. 171 00:07:20,189 --> 00:07:21,149 Here it is. 172 00:07:21,233 --> 00:07:22,942 Shut the windows and shut up. 173 00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:26,737 Well, this is starting exactly like I imagined. 174 00:07:26,904 --> 00:07:29,449 -Shut it! -Oleg, where did you get this? 175 00:07:29,615 --> 00:07:31,410 Shut up! 176 00:07:31,576 --> 00:07:34,704 -Are those sirens? -Shut up! 177 00:07:34,872 --> 00:07:36,456 Does it come with instructions? 178 00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:38,625 The instructions are to shut up. 179 00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:41,043 We don't want it if it's stolen. 180 00:07:41,211 --> 00:07:43,588 I still feel guilty about shaking down that Redbox 181 00:07:43,629 --> 00:07:45,591 for, I Don't Know How She Does It. 182 00:07:46,132 --> 00:07:47,216 I did not steal it. 183 00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:49,343 I knowingly bought it from a man who stole it 184 00:07:49,511 --> 00:07:51,346 and I'm selling it at a profit. 185 00:07:51,512 --> 00:07:53,598 It's the Armenian way. 186 00:07:53,764 --> 00:07:55,016 You're not Armenian. 187 00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:58,103 I know, I'm just saying, it's the Armenian way. 188 00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:01,564 It retails for $600, 189 00:08:01,732 --> 00:08:04,192 but I'll give it to you for free if you do me a favor. 190 00:08:04,358 --> 00:08:05,651 Free? 191 00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:08,947 Ok, I guess Max can do you in that closet over there. 192 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:13,451 What? Now that I see it, I have to have it. 193 00:08:13,619 --> 00:08:17,038 All right, I've been saving this pill for something. 194 00:08:17,206 --> 00:08:20,334 Talk to Sophie. See if she wants to get back together. 195 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,336 But don't tell her I'm interested. 196 00:08:22,418 --> 00:08:23,502 Do it discreetly. 197 00:08:23,545 --> 00:08:27,882 Deal. And, Oleg, I'm touched and a little surprised. 198 00:08:28,050 --> 00:08:31,011 I didn't know you knew the word "discreetly". 199 00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:34,096 Oh, yeah. I have a word-a-day calendar near my bed 200 00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:37,100 next to my big pump jar of pineapple lube. 201 00:08:41,437 --> 00:08:44,191 For when you're horny and hungry. 202 00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:48,028 Max, why'd you take it? 203 00:08:48,070 --> 00:08:49,321 You don't have to have sex with him. 204 00:08:49,488 --> 00:08:51,697 I know, I'm celebrating. 205 00:08:56,119 --> 00:08:58,371 Hey, I can't find any of the instructions on here 206 00:08:58,455 --> 00:08:59,623 for our coffeemaker. 207 00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:01,332 In fairness, I haven't been looking. 208 00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:04,919 I got sidetracked by this Buzzfeed list of misspelled tattoos. 209 00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:08,548 This girl got, "You go grill" on her neck. 210 00:09:10,384 --> 00:09:12,677 She must really like to cook outside. 211 00:09:14,303 --> 00:09:16,306 Did you put yourself in a time-out? 212 00:09:16,472 --> 00:09:19,142 No, I'm looking for Sophie. She's not upstairs. 213 00:09:19,725 --> 00:09:22,229 Look, this is a long way to go to get something for free. 214 00:09:22,270 --> 00:09:23,897 I was happy to walk into Sears 215 00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:26,232 and stuff a cappuccino machine down my pants. 216 00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:29,235 I'm not doing it for the free cappuccino machine. 217 00:09:29,403 --> 00:09:33,155 I'm doing it for the money we'll make from the free cappuccino machine. 218 00:09:33,948 --> 00:09:36,368 And maybe to help Oleg and Sophie get back together. 219 00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:38,912 You know, it's a page out of Shakespeare, and I'm Puck. 220 00:09:39,078 --> 00:09:41,081 Puck from The Real World? 221 00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:44,835 Am I the only one who's read a book? 222 00:09:46,003 --> 00:09:48,046 -(FAINT THUDDING) -(GASPS) Oh, here she is. 223 00:09:48,087 --> 00:09:49,923 I'll do the talking. It's kind of in my wheelhouse. 224 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:52,801 You have a wheelhouse, and we're living in this dump? 225 00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:55,511 -Morning, Sophie. -Oh! 226 00:09:55,761 --> 00:09:57,179 (POLISH ACCENT) You caught me. 227 00:09:57,556 --> 00:09:59,390 I'm doing the walk of shame. 228 00:09:59,557 --> 00:10:01,309 You know what that means, right? 229 00:10:01,475 --> 00:10:04,730 I was having sex all night with a stranger. 230 00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:07,149 I had sex with a guy all night once. 231 00:10:07,316 --> 00:10:10,067 At least that's what he said. I fell asleep at 10:00. 232 00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:11,653 Sophie, come in. 233 00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:13,238 We wanted to ask you something kind of important. 234 00:10:13,404 --> 00:10:14,655 Oh, okay. 235 00:10:14,822 --> 00:10:16,950 Well, I'll tell you. 236 00:10:17,116 --> 00:10:20,953 I don't think you're gonna make it in the cupcake business. 237 00:10:21,705 --> 00:10:25,542 Not what the psychic in the subway told me, but duly noted. 238 00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:27,878 Actually, it's more of a personal question. 239 00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:30,672 Oh, okay. Well, I personally 240 00:10:30,838 --> 00:10:33,216 don't think you're gonna make it in the cupcake business. 241 00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:37,346 -No, the question is about Oleg. -Oh, yeah, he agrees with me. 242 00:10:37,511 --> 00:10:39,681 God's sakes, just tell her before she tells us 243 00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:41,725 we're gonna wind up in some disgusting apartment 244 00:10:41,767 --> 00:10:43,309 hiding from our pimp. 245 00:10:44,686 --> 00:10:45,895 Okay, Okay, Sophie. 246 00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:48,190 Do you ever think about getting back together with Oleg? 247 00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:50,609 Oh, God, no. 248 00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:53,736 I'd rather accidently have sex again with my cousin. 249 00:10:55,529 --> 00:10:57,573 I hate when that happens. 250 00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:00,951 Why, did-- 251 00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:02,620 Did he ask about me? 252 00:11:02,788 --> 00:11:04,163 Oh, no, no. I was just wondering. 253 00:11:04,206 --> 00:11:05,664 He never even mentions you. 254 00:11:05,831 --> 00:11:09,878 Oh, good. 'Cause I moved on, baby. 255 00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:13,090 Oh, no. No, I-- 256 00:11:13,255 --> 00:11:17,302 I left my Spanx on that Staten Island stoop. 257 00:11:17,469 --> 00:11:18,470 And they're the good ones, 258 00:11:18,552 --> 00:11:20,096 you know, with the pee hole in them. 259 00:11:20,138 --> 00:11:23,600 I gotta go grab 'em. All right. Bye-bye. 260 00:11:30,981 --> 00:11:32,692 Okay, good. Now we've got the power on, 261 00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:34,568 but how do we steam the milk? 262 00:11:34,735 --> 00:11:36,321 Maybe it's on this touchpad thing. 263 00:11:36,404 --> 00:11:38,865 -(STEAM HISSING) -(SCREAMS) Holy Mother of God! 264 00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:41,201 I just steamed my vagina. 265 00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:45,621 Max, Caroline, your shift started three minutes ago. 266 00:11:45,788 --> 00:11:49,167 Who cares about sidework? I probably can't have children. 267 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:51,794 What is wrong with her? 268 00:11:51,961 --> 00:11:54,505 She just had her carpet steam-cleaned. 269 00:11:59,009 --> 00:12:01,388 You two still haven't figured out this machine? 270 00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:02,847 Move away. I'm Asian and a man. 271 00:12:02,931 --> 00:12:04,140 I'm good with this kind of stuff. 272 00:12:04,182 --> 00:12:05,850 Well, Han, actually, it's pretty dangerous-- 273 00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:08,562 Hey, Han's a man, according to recent lore. 274 00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:10,855 Let him save the day. 275 00:12:11,022 --> 00:12:11,981 Okay, let's see. 276 00:12:12,023 --> 00:12:14,400 Here's the steam one. And here's the button for-- 277 00:12:14,525 --> 00:12:17,028 -(STEAM HISSING) -(SCREAMS) 278 00:12:17,153 --> 00:12:19,780 My neck! It burned my neck! 279 00:12:19,947 --> 00:12:22,366 And that was my best feature. 280 00:12:22,951 --> 00:12:24,201 Luckily you're not taller. 281 00:12:24,286 --> 00:12:25,870 You would've burned your vagina. 282 00:12:28,623 --> 00:12:29,875 That cappuccino machine 283 00:12:29,957 --> 00:12:32,543 might have just given me a grande hysterectomy. 284 00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:35,754 Caroline, I know this might not be a good time. 285 00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:38,299 I heard about your recent clambake. 286 00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:46,307 But what did Sophie say? 287 00:12:46,892 --> 00:12:48,976 I'm sorry, Oleg. Sophie's moved on. 288 00:12:49,019 --> 00:12:50,269 She's seeing other men. 289 00:12:50,352 --> 00:12:51,770 Yeah, but not in your neighborhood. 290 00:12:51,855 --> 00:12:52,813 She's classy. 291 00:12:52,855 --> 00:12:55,649 She had the decency to do it on a stoop in Staten Island. 292 00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:58,695 She went to the Island without me? 293 00:12:59,528 --> 00:13:02,157 We were going to travel the world together. 294 00:13:04,618 --> 00:13:05,619 Oleg? 295 00:13:05,784 --> 00:13:06,952 Oleg, are you crying? 296 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:10,499 No, I have a booger situation. 297 00:13:12,583 --> 00:13:14,711 Says the man who cooks the food. 298 00:13:17,087 --> 00:13:19,883 Hey, what's this area back there? 299 00:13:20,049 --> 00:13:21,717 Uh, it's our closet, why? 300 00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:23,470 I should check it out. 301 00:13:23,552 --> 00:13:27,599 I'm always looking for places to have sex with women who are not Sophie. 302 00:13:27,682 --> 00:13:29,142 (SOBBING) 303 00:13:30,601 --> 00:13:33,605 Is Oleg in here? I thought I smelled him. 304 00:13:34,397 --> 00:13:37,024 That delicious mix of man and butter. 305 00:13:39,778 --> 00:13:41,153 Oleg's in the closet. 306 00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,697 Oh, honey, I could've told you that. 307 00:13:46,408 --> 00:13:48,577 Really, Luis, Oleg is straight. 308 00:13:48,745 --> 00:13:49,745 Wait 'til you see what happens 309 00:13:49,828 --> 00:13:52,289 when I place an order for a bone-in rib eye. 310 00:13:53,165 --> 00:13:55,210 It's true. He shows us his penis every-- 311 00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:59,004 Ah-ah-ah, boundaries, girls, boundaries. 312 00:13:59,838 --> 00:14:01,716 So is it a nice one? 313 00:14:04,427 --> 00:14:06,221 Well, it did open a door for me once. 314 00:14:09,139 --> 00:14:10,892 Hey Luis, maybe you can help us. 315 00:14:10,933 --> 00:14:12,143 Since you're a lifer, you have to know how to 316 00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:14,354 -work this thing. -No, no, no, I work for a diner. 317 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,730 I don't work for you. Don't bring me into your drama. 318 00:14:16,855 --> 00:14:19,359 (CELL PHONE RINGTONE PLAYS) 319 00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:22,486 Oh, I have to get this. It's my mother. She's on death watch. 320 00:14:22,653 --> 00:14:25,240 But we used to have the same machine when I worked at Starbucks. 321 00:14:25,447 --> 00:14:27,283 (SPEAKS SPANISH) 322 00:14:29,494 --> 00:14:31,620 No, I am not working at Starbucks. 323 00:14:31,788 --> 00:14:33,914 That's not what I was gonna say. 324 00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:36,418 Just for two hours. 325 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,961 We can quit after we learn how to work this damn machine. 326 00:14:39,004 --> 00:14:40,754 Hey, I am not a quitter. 327 00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:42,966 I get fired. That's my wheelhouse. 328 00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:47,886 I can't believe we got hired so quickly. 329 00:14:48,053 --> 00:14:51,057 And I can't believe I'm a medium apron. 330 00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:54,436 And I can't believe I'm working for a corporate coffee place. 331 00:14:54,602 --> 00:14:56,229 This might be the lowest point of my life, 332 00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:59,982 and my mom once lost me in a craps game behind a casino. 333 00:15:01,942 --> 00:15:03,528 Hi, we're here to be trained. 334 00:15:03,695 --> 00:15:06,322 I know. That's unfortunate. 335 00:15:06,489 --> 00:15:09,075 -My name's Devon. -Well, that's unfortunate. 336 00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:11,327 Let's get this over with. 337 00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:13,370 I have a lot of other places I need to be. 338 00:15:13,455 --> 00:15:14,788 Like your mom's basement? 339 00:15:15,373 --> 00:15:17,417 Hey, you don't have to give me attitude. 340 00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:19,711 I don't have to, but it's my pleasure. 341 00:15:19,878 --> 00:15:21,879 Sorry, Devon, It's just that it's hard for her 342 00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:23,505 'cause your name is Devon. 343 00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,966 So what are you girls? Writers? 344 00:15:26,134 --> 00:15:28,552 Folk duo? Just bitches? 345 00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:31,556 Nailed it, loser. 346 00:15:31,889 --> 00:15:32,932 Max, pace yourself. 347 00:15:32,974 --> 00:15:35,018 We need this job for another hour and 50 minutes. 348 00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:37,102 Okay, but for real, how long do you gotta work here 349 00:15:37,187 --> 00:15:38,562 before the health insurance kicks in? 350 00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:39,480 And is there dental? 351 00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:41,732 'Cause I got a dead tooth doing nothing for me. 352 00:15:42,650 --> 00:15:44,485 The insurance kicks in after 30 days. 353 00:15:44,568 --> 00:15:46,488 But it's a PPO, not an HMO. 354 00:15:46,654 --> 00:15:48,322 Oh, we just got an HMO at our other job. 355 00:15:48,405 --> 00:15:49,948 He's a Charlotte. 356 00:15:50,325 --> 00:15:52,243 Okay, here we go. 357 00:15:52,409 --> 00:15:54,663 Look, this is the machine we use for everything. 358 00:15:54,828 --> 00:15:56,956 It's incredibly easy to work unless you're stupid, 359 00:15:56,998 --> 00:15:58,290 in which case, tell me now. 360 00:15:58,457 --> 00:16:00,168 Devon, we're not your mean stepdad. 361 00:16:00,250 --> 00:16:02,711 Just show us how to use the machine. 362 00:16:03,797 --> 00:16:06,466 Listen up. Unlatch the portafilter from the group head. 363 00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:08,176 Press here for an ounce of grounds. 364 00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:10,260 Tamp it in, pack it down, turn it on. 365 00:16:10,427 --> 00:16:11,846 I didn't get that, did you? 366 00:16:12,013 --> 00:16:14,390 Honestly, all I heard was "group head". 367 00:16:14,890 --> 00:16:16,433 So you tamp, pack, turn the knob, 368 00:16:16,475 --> 00:16:18,687 wait three, blast for 30, then you pour the shot. 369 00:16:18,727 --> 00:16:20,355 Place the steam wand halfway in the pitcher 370 00:16:20,397 --> 00:16:23,399 at a 45-degree angle until the milk is 103 degrees. 371 00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:26,277 So what you're saying is it's easier to make meth? 372 00:16:27,236 --> 00:16:30,072 Syrups, powders, whipped cream is right here. 373 00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:31,323 You ever work with one of these? 374 00:16:31,408 --> 00:16:33,283 I think I can handle it. I went to Wharton. 375 00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:35,577 -Well, I went to Harvard. -And I went to juvie. 376 00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:38,206 And we're all here wearing an apron. 377 00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:42,918 A grande double cap, non-fat. 378 00:16:43,086 --> 00:16:44,629 Grande double cap, non-fat. 379 00:16:45,046 --> 00:16:46,965 (MEOWING NONSENSICALLY) 380 00:16:47,215 --> 00:16:49,134 A venti triple cap, no whip. 381 00:16:49,299 --> 00:16:50,719 Venti triple cap, no whip. 382 00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:52,803 (CONTINUES MEOWING) 383 00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:55,472 Grande double soy latte. 384 00:16:55,639 --> 00:16:57,350 Grande double soy latte. Got it, Max? 385 00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:58,643 Nope. 386 00:16:59,644 --> 00:17:03,480 -Where's those drinks, Max? -Working on it, getting close. 387 00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:08,193 And I finished all over myself. 388 00:17:09,153 --> 00:17:10,613 That's so me. 389 00:17:10,779 --> 00:17:12,531 Come on, Max, it can't be that hard. 390 00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:15,410 You two, switch. I gotta put out more napkins. 391 00:17:15,576 --> 00:17:17,244 That women's breakup support group is here, 392 00:17:17,327 --> 00:17:18,997 and they tap us out. 393 00:17:19,122 --> 00:17:20,248 Think they're crying now? 394 00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:22,500 Just wait 'til we run out of cake pops. 395 00:17:24,335 --> 00:17:26,462 I'll have a tall cap, triple-shot half caf. 396 00:17:26,503 --> 00:17:28,964 Small scrap nipple slap half-half. 397 00:17:32,509 --> 00:17:33,677 That's not what I said. 398 00:17:33,845 --> 00:17:35,555 Tall cap triple-shot half caf? 399 00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:38,474 Girl, you're good at this. You should work at Starbucks. 400 00:17:39,017 --> 00:17:41,059 I am good. I think I'm getting the hang of this. 401 00:17:41,144 --> 00:17:43,229 -Now I just have to-- (SCREAMS) -(STEAM HISSING) 402 00:17:43,438 --> 00:17:44,730 Holy Mother of... Ouch! 403 00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:48,358 This thing hates women so much, we should call it Texas. 404 00:17:53,490 --> 00:17:55,407 Or Ohio. 405 00:17:55,991 --> 00:17:57,951 Or, to be honest, most of America. 406 00:17:59,287 --> 00:18:00,997 I'll have a tall drip, extra hot. 407 00:18:01,789 --> 00:18:04,250 -Uh, what's your name? -Gregg, with three "g"'s. 408 00:18:04,459 --> 00:18:07,045 Yeah, you're gonna be this picture of a penis. 409 00:18:12,383 --> 00:18:13,509 That's rude. 410 00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,636 Now it has a hat on it. 411 00:18:17,305 --> 00:18:19,432 It's saying, "good day." 412 00:18:19,598 --> 00:18:21,183 Do you want me to talk to your manager? 413 00:18:21,351 --> 00:18:23,478 Yeah, in about 20 minutes, after she learns this machine. 414 00:18:26,564 --> 00:18:27,565 Hi. 415 00:18:27,731 --> 00:18:31,443 I'll take a non-fat venti drip for Vera. 416 00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:34,823 And a tall latte for Fran. 417 00:18:34,864 --> 00:18:38,284 And a gingerbread latte with 11 Splendas. 418 00:18:38,660 --> 00:18:41,119 Can you two explain what this is? 419 00:18:41,203 --> 00:18:44,624 -I'd say it's pretty obvious. -That's a penis wearing a hat. 420 00:18:45,290 --> 00:18:46,709 Why? 421 00:18:46,875 --> 00:18:49,796 Because it's bald and a little insecure. 422 00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:54,299 -Dudes, you're, like, fired. -Come on, Devon. 423 00:18:54,342 --> 00:18:56,635 We just need 20 more minutes to learn that machine. 424 00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:58,262 -Please? -No. 425 00:18:58,637 --> 00:19:00,390 Return your aprons and caps. 426 00:19:00,557 --> 00:19:04,269 And do not even think about putting sandwiches in your pockets. 427 00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:05,728 What? 428 00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,230 A girl can't get a morning bun? 429 00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:10,441 No and no. 430 00:19:10,567 --> 00:19:13,278 And take this crappuccino you made with you. 431 00:19:16,655 --> 00:19:18,700 Oh, yeah, that is not quite right. 432 00:19:19,491 --> 00:19:21,493 And it hit my dead tooth. 433 00:19:27,250 --> 00:19:29,586 -How you doing with that milk? -Great. 434 00:19:29,751 --> 00:19:32,171 Mine's more whipped than Nick Cannon. 435 00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:35,424 Hola, chicas. How's it going with your new machine? 436 00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:38,010 Not that I care or am invested at all. 437 00:19:38,427 --> 00:19:41,346 Oh, I think mine's coming. I think mine's coming. 438 00:19:42,472 --> 00:19:44,267 You don't even know if you're coming or not? 439 00:19:44,308 --> 00:19:45,894 That's so you. 440 00:19:46,310 --> 00:19:48,145 Have you seen Oleg? 441 00:19:48,313 --> 00:19:50,731 No, not since he came out of the closet. 442 00:19:50,898 --> 00:19:54,027 -Why are you looking for him? -How is this your business? 443 00:19:54,192 --> 00:19:56,613 Because you said, "Have you seen Oleg?" 444 00:19:56,778 --> 00:19:59,865 You got me. Look at you. 445 00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:02,618 So much spice, so much pain. 446 00:20:03,118 --> 00:20:04,578 You got me. 447 00:20:04,746 --> 00:20:06,079 Hey, everybody. 448 00:20:06,247 --> 00:20:10,292 Hola, Oleg, and Oleg's sister? 449 00:20:11,294 --> 00:20:13,253 This is Sasha. We met last night. 450 00:20:13,296 --> 00:20:15,339 And a few times this morning. 451 00:20:15,506 --> 00:20:17,424 -But do me a favor. -Don't tell Sophie about this? 452 00:20:17,592 --> 00:20:20,178 No, do tell her. I've moved on. 453 00:20:20,345 --> 00:20:22,221 I filled that hole she left. 454 00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:24,557 Come on, let's get you back to your uncle's house 455 00:20:24,598 --> 00:20:26,558 before he wakes up. 456 00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:29,895 Oh, it happens to a lot of gays. 457 00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:33,023 They come out, they freak out, they go back in. 458 00:20:33,106 --> 00:20:34,651 But I see him. 459 00:20:35,526 --> 00:20:37,569 And I'll be here until he sees me. 460 00:20:37,694 --> 00:20:39,697 (CELL PHONE RINGTONE PLAYS) 461 00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:41,490 Hola, mami. 462 00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:44,576 Uh-oh. Charlotte's headed for a fall. 463 00:20:45,662 --> 00:20:47,829 I did it. I made a perfect cappuccino. 464 00:20:47,872 --> 00:20:50,458 Seventy-five percent of my body is burned, but I did it. 465 00:20:51,875 --> 00:20:53,086 So how is it? 466 00:20:53,836 --> 00:20:55,505 We are so putting the small scrap 467 00:20:55,546 --> 00:20:57,298 nipple slap half-half on the menu. 468 00:21:01,176 --> 00:21:03,011 (CASH REGISTER RINGS) 469 00:21:26,285 --> 00:21:28,287 (English US - SDH)