(ELEVATOR DINGS)
And... time.
Thirty-seven minutes,
we got from the apartment to the subway
to the pastry school in record time.
I mean, I'm not wearing a bra
and my thong may be on backwards.
There's no wrong way to wear a thong,
as long as it's uncomfortable.
And with you, the bra's just for decoration.
I have to wear one 'cause you get a ticket
for not putting the kids in a car seat.
See you in class, guys.
I gotta say good-bye to my wife.
Did you think I was gonna kiss you?
Yes, I'm the wife, you're the husband,
who I caught wearing my clothes one day,
but I don't say anything about it.
-Morning, guys. -Oh, hi, Bebe.
Surprised to see me, right?
Everyone always thinks I'm not gonna make it through the night,
but here I am, even surprised myself.
What's it like working in an office
with someone who's about to snap like a breadstick?
Not as much fun as you'd think.
But Bebe's sweet,
and working here is putting you through pastry school.
-Okay, bye. -Bye.
-I want a divorce. -I already filed.
(THEME MUSIC)
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
Hey, wife, I need five dollars to pay for a spatula I broke yesterday.
I was having a Gordon Ramsay moment.
I'd have sex with him, by the way.
Why?
He'd just be yelling at you and telling you
you're doing it wrong.
Yeah, sex.
Take it. It's in my purse.
Yo, Bebe, you got any extra pills you're not taking?
No, I'm taking them all.
Oh, my God, no.
What, I just wanted one... or two.
Just to take the edge off.
I have a whipped cream final at 3:00.
No, in the obituaries. I know this person.
"Antonia Florentino, 80, died peacefully in her sleep."
That's a suicide, right?
She was my nanny.
You still have a nanny?
Lucky.
She took care of me most of my childhood.
I loved her so much.
So sorry.
That's kind of how I felt about my old neighbor, Carla.
I mean, she didn't take care of me, but when I was a kid,
she used to let me drink out of her hose.
The last time I saw Antonia, she was driving me
and a sloppy Nelly Furtado to the Teen Choice Awards.
Oh, are we allowed to cry at work now?
'Cause I only do it in my car.
Max, you know what I just realized?
This is the first time I've been here since my nanny died.
You just said that at Chipotle.
And then you said it again ten minutes later,
also at Chipotle.
Show some sensitivity.
I was crying because my nanny died,
and also because our grief brunch was at Chipotle.
Caroline, your nanny passed?
My sympathies, sweetheart. That's a shame.
But there is nothing better than a black funeral.
I'm still hungover from my grandpa's in '84.
Earl, my nanny was white.
Your nanny was white? Child, you were rich.
Have you seen Han?
The funeral's in Philadelphia tomorrow,
and I need the day off.
Well, I think I saw him earlier, but then again,
it might have been a cat.
Hey, we both need the day off.
I'm going with you for moral support,
slash, my first cheese steak,
slash, I want to ride the Liberty Bell
like a wrecking ball.
I just read the craziest article in this Popular Science
about white dwarfs, black holes, and Uranus.
Oh, no. Let me start over.
Han, we need tomorrow off. My nanny died.
-She was like a mother to me. -But she was not your mother.
And diner rules clearly state you can only take off
for the death of a family member.
Well, the rules also say
"No drinking on the job," but, uh....
(CAN OPENS)
Okay, yes, you can go.
Because in my culture, it's important to honor the elderly.
I shared a bunk bed with a 97-year-old till I was 22.
Were you on the top or the bottom?
No, I was always the bottom.
Oh, no. Let me start over.
(POLISH ACCENT) Hey, Caroline.
I got your nanny death text.
So, I'm wearing black out of respect.
And also, I got my period.
Thanks, Sophie, that's lovely.
It is, which part?
You know, back in Poland when my nanny died,
I was so heartbroken, I could barely eat her.
You ate your dead nanny?
Well, a goat's a goat.
It doesn't matter what you name it.
It's still good goat meat.
All right, I'll be in my booth.
I'm going to order a tuna melt and three Midol, please.
Wait, how are we gonna get there?
Oh, Bebe said she had a car, we can just ask her.
I don't want to get in a car with her.
I don't even want to get in a conversation with her.
I can drive you.
We just have to stop at my sister's in Bucks County,
pick up an unmarked package, and swing by Connecticut
to drop it off.
Oleg, is there anything illegal about this delivery?
No, it's just some shoes...
stuffed with cocaine.
Also the shoes are made of hashish.
I'll call Bebe.
Okay, but I'm sitting in the back
'cause I don't want the crazy to get on me.
Bebe, I can't thank you enough for driving us to the funeral.
We're only going 20. You can go faster if you want.
Yeah, we just got passed by a tree.
And I'm especially thrilled your nervous cocker spaniel
with gas and hot spots got to join us.
Okay, now you're going 100. (CHUCKLES)
We can go slower if you want.
Sorry. Extremes, that's my thing.
One time I moved to Tokyo for a day.
Max, it just hit me again.
I know. It's like she feeds him broccoli.
No, that Antonia is really dead.
Well, the good news is, according to Yelp,
she's dead about two blocks from the famous
Philly cheese steak place.
-Max, show some respect. -Well, I didn't know her.
In fact, I only know her as the lady who brought me
and cheese steaks together.
Even though we've never met, it'll mean so much
to Antonia's family that I came out of respect.
It'll mean so much to my therapist that I left
my safe zone and only brought one of the dogs.
Max, do you think, in addition to my eulogy,
I should read something from my childhood journal?
I don't, but I think you're gonna do it anyway.
"Christmas morning, 1997.
Antonia woke me up with a cup of hot cocoa
and my favorite peppermint stick,
and then we opened presents."
Christmas morning, 1997.
I threw cold water on my mother's face.
New Year's day, still no movement.
Aw.
This is the only picture I still have of us.
It was our first Halloween together.
I was four.
Look at that cute little baby chick costume she made me.
Peep-peep.
-Aw, so cute. -Car.
I never had a Halloween costume.
I used to put my hair in a messy bun
and stumble from door-to-door telling people I was my mother.
This Halloween, I went as my doctor, Michael.
And I dressed up my buddy here as his lover, Joseph.
We lost.
Antonia was always there for me.
Halloween, Christmas, Easter, every holiday.
Really, every day.
She was really like a mother to me.
Where was your real mother?
Hey, what kind of dog is that? I mean, besides sad?
Her mother had an affair, got pushed out.
That's her hot spot, so don't lick it.
It's okay, Max, I don't need any protection.
You don't need protection?
Who are you, every guy I've ever dated?
Bebe, yes, my mother was unfaithful to my father,
so she was sent away.
But I had Antonia, and she took care of me.
She was my family.
That must have been hard. Everybody needs a mother.
I'd be crazy without my mother.
She drives me to all my appointments.
But you drive.
Yeah...
But I'm not supposed to.
It's okay I asked Bebe to wait in the car, right?
I mean, she'll be okay. We cracked a window.
Yeah, and she's got a bowl and a chew-toy.
Come on, let's sign in.
Max, I have to keep it together when I meet the family.
I can't be all emotional.
Look, my hand's shaking. This is terrible.
(COUGHS)
What? It was a terrible signature.
And there were only five other names on the page.
Get rid of it.
"Get rid of it"?
Who are you, every guy I've ever dated?
Caroline Channing.
Here, Max.
Oh, look.
The flowers and everything are so beautiful.
There you go.
You signed "Phil E. Cheesesteak"?
You told me not to mention it anymore,
so it's just a reminder.
Okay, Max, there are gonna be a lot of people
who will want my attention, so please be patient
and stand next to me for the occasional supportive lean.
And if someone starts to get too weepy,
push them out of the way because I can't get tears on this dress.
It has to be back at Barneys by 9:00 AM.
-You're here. -Here we go, Max.
(SOBBING)
I was talking to him.
Of course you were. It's a very sad day for us all.
That was rough!
Oh.
Max, look. This is Antonia.
-Wow. She looks really nice. -She was.
I didn't know she was in the military.
But it does explain those fabulous bed sheet corners.
Wait, you didn't know your nanny was a marine?
That's too bad, 'cause I'd be all,
"Yo, other little rich kid, my nanny can snap your neck!"
Oh, look, there are her sisters, Cecelia and Angela,
and there are her nieces and nephews.
And there is... not me anywhere.
You know, my picture must be in the coffin
with the other VIPs.
If you're a VIP, can we get some bottle service?
Good afternoon, ladies. I'm Anthony.
Antonia's nephew.
It's sad day, huh?
Yes, it is.
Oh. Think I just got a little less sad.
Oh! Anthony!
Stop. We're family.
I'm Caroline Channing.
You're Caroline "Hot," is all I know.
You ladies need cash envelopes or you guys cool?
I always need a cash envelope.
I'm sorry, envelopes for what?
Well, at Italian wakes, the mourners give the family
a donation after they view the deceased.
So, it's pay-per-view?
That was a good one.
Hey, you want to go get a pop later?
We're leaving right after, but, yes, Anthony, thank you.
We'll take an envelope.
The body's right through there.
Go right ahead.
Anthony, stop.
I'm really nervous.
I've never seen a dead body before.
I've seen a bunch.
A couple of them were my fault.
I don't have any cash. Do you have any money?
Let me check my wallet.
This is a real Ziploc, not one of those knock-offs.
Make sure you seal the envelope,
so people think it's all quarters.
Max, we're next. I'm afraid. Hold my hand.
Hold hands?
What are we, on a Christian Mingle fifth date?
Please, Max. I'm nervous.
-Oh, God. -Thank you.
Okay, now give it back.
What? That was just my longest relationship.
Plus, I need it to put this change in the envelope.
Oh, she looks so peaceful.
Hi, Antonia. It's me, Caroline.
Should I kiss her?
The family is right there watching.
-The lady before us kissed her. -Go for it.
Doesn't look like she'd bite you.
Okay, on the count of three.
One, two...
No, Max, hold my hand again while I...
What do we do?
Wait, leave it!
We were giving it to them anyway.
Not all of it. That's our cheese steak money.
Leave it. Come on.
I am so, so sorry about that.
My nerves got the best of me. You understand.
-I'm Cecelia, Antonia's-- -Sister, I know.
I see the resemblance.
I'm Caroline.
Caroline who?
Oh. Caroline Channing.
Caroline Channing who?
You're having a hard time processing.
Understandable.
It's been a very emotional day for us all.
Who is this girl?
You, I feel like I've seen somewhere.
Are you Ricky's girl from Rochester?
I could be. What's in it for me?
Antonia used to take care of me when I was little.
Oh, Antonia was your babysitter.
Very nice of you to come.
Well, she was hardly my babysitter.
She took care of me every day for ten years.
Caroline. Caroline Channing.
I'm sorry, but I don't know who you are, sweetheart,
though it seems to be what you're hammering me about.
If you'll excuse me, I need a cigarette.
And then I got to remove
some of those pennies off of my sister.
It's a coffin, not a wishing well.
This funeral turned out to be very depressing.
Well, yeah.
Dead body in the room, generally a buzz-kill.
Unless it's an Irish wake,
then you're playing beer pong off the coffin.
No, I mean, how is it possible that the family doesn't know me?
Did Antonia never even mention me?
Let's focus on the positive. Anthony really liked your ass.
I know what Antonia and I had.
This is what we had.
Peep-peep. That's what we had.
Well, that's a lot.
But I guess no one in this family wants to admit that,
and it's a shame too, because I had a great eulogy.
-You do? -Yes. I do.
Would you like me to share it with you?
-I most certainly would. -Oh!
You are not seriously eulogy-bombing
that old lady, are you?
She asked me about my great eulogy.
She's 100,
she probably thought you said you had a great urologist.
Do you have a pen?
I'm getting the name of her doctor.
No, ma'am, I didn't say, "urologist."
I said, "eulogy." A great eulogy.
Why would you give the eulogy?
Because I'm Caroline Channing.
Who?
Caroline Channing.
Caroline Channing?
Antonia was my nanny.
My family was rich, but then my father robbed everyone,
and we became the scourge of society,
overshadowed a little bit
by Mel Gibson hating the Jews that same week.
Surely, you remember?
Honey, I don't even remember how I got here.
I can't believe this.
I constructed my entire "happy" childhood
on the fact that even though my mom left
and apparently didn't love me, Antonia did.
And now I get here and I realize no one loved me,
I was just a paycheck.
One of the many kids she babysat.
I don't even know why I bothered to come.
I'm gonna go to the restroom and then we can just leave.
Excuse me. Hi.
Max, Ricky's girl.
Ahem. I know this is a hard time for you,
but it's a hard time for my friend as well.
And even though you never heard of her,
I was wondering if you could just go over there,
and say you just remembered her,
and that Antonia talked about her all the time?
I know it's a 180 on your original story and a lie,
and I'd offer to pay you for your trouble,
but my 401K is laying in that box on top of your sister.
Look, I only permitted you two to stay
'cause your Ricky was so nice to Uncle Joe
when he fell off the roof last year.
But now, you gotta go.
Okay.
Be that way.
But don't expect Ricky to pick up Uncle Joe
for dialysis.
Max, what are you doing?
The family asked me to put it up.
They just remembered you.
Oh, my God.
I'm so pathetic, you have to put up my picture
to make me feel better?
In a way, yes.
It belongs up there.
Who wouldn't want to know that kid?
Nice to meet you, Antonia. Please don't haunt us.
Now, let's hit the road and get some freaking cheese steaks!
Max, please take that down. It's so embarrassing.
Nobody here knows anything about me.
They didn't know me either, chicken.
Hey, who you callin' chicken?
Me. That was Antonia's nickname for me.
-You know who I am? -Of course, I do.
Antonia's little chick, her peep.
She loved you.
And she loved making you that costume.
Took the whole kitchen table up with all those sequins...
But she knew you deserved to sparkle.
She loved you so much, I couldn't even begin to complain.
I'm so sorry. What was your name?
I'm Meg O'Hara. I was her roommate.
And lover.
We were together 30 years.
BOTH: The military!
I know, right?
I mean, come on.
That's me with my arm around her on that tank.
And the family still had no clue.
Vintage lez, very cool.
I know Toni would have wanted you to have these.
Oh, thanks for coming, chicken.
You're probably the only person in the world
who loved her as purely as I did.
Max, look.
Christmas.
And my birthday.
And the Teen Choice Awards.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Thank you.
Philly cheese steaks for everybody!
And you really haven't lived
until you've driven two hours in a Chevy
with nine cheese steaks and a gassy animal.
What? I ate mine in the car.
Hey, Earl, you missed one hell of a funeral.
You should have come.
There were some hot octogenarians,
and I got a definite jungle fever vibe
from one of them.
Girl, at my age, you don't go anywhere near funerals.
You accidentally doze off,
you spend six hours digging yourself out of the ground.
Hey, how you holding up, chicken?
I'm okay. Thanks.
And Max, when I die,
I don't care who else is at my funeral,
as long as you're there.
Of course, I'll be there.
The murderer always shows up to throw off the cops.
Also, save the money on a casket
and just toss me in a hole wearing Dior and a smokey eye.
Unless I'm fat, then burn me.
Well, I don't want a funeral.
When I die, just shove my corpse into a cannon
and blow me directly into the Trump Casino.
(CASH REGISTER DINGS)
(English US - SDH)