1
00:00:01,252 --> 00:00:02,712
(ELEVATOR DINGS)

2
00:00:04,213 --> 00:00:05,214
And... time.

3
00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:06,506
Thirty-seven minutes,

4
00:00:06,631 --> 00:00:08,175
we got from the apartment
to the subway

5
00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:10,009
to the pastry school
in record time.

6
00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:11,345
I mean, I'm not wearing a bra

7
00:00:11,470 --> 00:00:14,013
and my thong
may be on backwards.

8
00:00:14,140 --> 00:00:15,766
There's no wrong way
to wear a thong,

9
00:00:15,891 --> 00:00:17,934
as long as it's uncomfortable.

10
00:00:18,643 --> 00:00:20,271
And with you,
the bra's just for decoration.

11
00:00:20,396 --> 00:00:21,856
I have to wear one
'cause you get a ticket

12
00:00:21,981 --> 00:00:23,899
for not putting the kids
in a car seat.

13
00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:26,818
See you in class, guys.

14
00:00:26,943 --> 00:00:28,528
I gotta say good-bye
to my wife.

15
00:00:31,407 --> 00:00:33,283
Did you think
I was gonna kiss you?

16
00:00:33,408 --> 00:00:35,869
Yes, I'm the wife,
you're the husband,

17
00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:37,204
who I caught wearing
my clothes one day,

18
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:39,247
but I don't say
anything about it.

19
00:00:39,749 --> 00:00:41,292
-Morning, guys.
-Oh, hi, Bebe.

20
00:00:41,417 --> 00:00:43,418
Surprised to see me, right?

21
00:00:43,543 --> 00:00:45,670
Everyone always thinks I'm not
gonna make it through the night,

22
00:00:45,795 --> 00:00:48,173
but here I am,
even surprised myself.

23
00:00:49,841 --> 00:00:51,469
What's it like working
in an office

24
00:00:51,634 --> 00:00:53,679
with someone who's about
to snap like a breadstick?

25
00:00:55,722 --> 00:00:57,557
Not as much fun
as you'd think.

26
00:00:58,350 --> 00:00:59,225
But Bebe's sweet,

27
00:00:59,350 --> 00:01:01,060
and working here is putting you
through pastry school.

28
00:01:01,186 --> 00:01:02,813
-Okay, bye.
-Bye.

29
00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:06,108
-I want a divorce.
-I already filed.

30
00:01:07,609 --> 00:01:09,653
(THEME MUSIC)

31
00:01:09,861 --> 00:01:11,070
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

32
00:01:19,370 --> 00:01:22,707
Hey, wife, I need five dollars to pay
for a spatula I broke yesterday.

33
00:01:22,832 --> 00:01:24,793
I was having
a Gordon Ramsay moment.

34
00:01:26,837 --> 00:01:28,713
I'd have sex with him,
by the way.

35
00:01:29,465 --> 00:01:30,341
Why?

36
00:01:30,466 --> 00:01:31,801
He'd just be yelling at you
and telling you

37
00:01:31,926 --> 00:01:33,510
you're doing it wrong.

38
00:01:34,385 --> 00:01:35,805
Yeah, sex.

39
00:01:37,430 --> 00:01:39,140
Take it.
It's in my purse.

40
00:01:39,474 --> 00:01:41,811
Yo, Bebe, you got any
extra pills you're not taking?

41
00:01:43,561 --> 00:01:45,563
No, I'm taking them all.

42
00:01:45,688 --> 00:01:47,191
Oh, my God, no.

43
00:01:47,316 --> 00:01:49,902
What, I just wanted
one... or two.

44
00:01:50,027 --> 00:01:50,902
Just to take the edge off.

45
00:01:51,027 --> 00:01:53,072
I have a whipped cream
final at 3:00.

46
00:01:53,197 --> 00:01:57,033
No, in the obituaries.
I know this person.

47
00:01:57,408 --> 00:02:01,496
"Antonia Florentino, 80,
died peacefully in her sleep."

48
00:02:01,621 --> 00:02:03,373
That's a suicide, right?

49
00:02:08,378 --> 00:02:09,754
She was my nanny.

50
00:02:09,879 --> 00:02:11,966
You still have a nanny?

51
00:02:12,883 --> 00:02:13,967
Lucky.

52
00:02:16,219 --> 00:02:18,347
She took care of me
most of my childhood.

53
00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:19,764
I loved her so much.

54
00:02:19,889 --> 00:02:21,099
So sorry.

55
00:02:21,224 --> 00:02:23,769
That's kind of how I felt
about my old neighbor, Carla.

56
00:02:23,894 --> 00:02:26,104
I mean, she didn't take care of me,
but when I was a kid,

57
00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:28,356
she used to let me drink
out of her hose.

58
00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:31,651
The last time I saw Antonia,
she was driving me

59
00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:35,739
and a sloppy Nelly Furtado
to the Teen Choice Awards.

60
00:02:35,865 --> 00:02:38,033
Oh, are we allowed
to cry at work now?

61
00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:40,201
'Cause I only do it
in my car.

62
00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:50,170
Max, you know
what I just realized?

63
00:02:50,295 --> 00:02:53,966
This is the first time I've
been here since my nanny died.

64
00:02:54,091 --> 00:02:56,801
You just said that
at Chipotle.

65
00:02:57,468 --> 00:02:59,471
And then you said it again
ten minutes later,

66
00:02:59,597 --> 00:03:01,514
also at Chipotle.

67
00:03:02,056 --> 00:03:03,349
Show some sensitivity.

68
00:03:03,516 --> 00:03:05,686
I was crying
because my nanny died,

69
00:03:05,811 --> 00:03:09,731
and also because our grief
brunch was at Chipotle.

70
00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:12,443
Caroline, your nanny passed?

71
00:03:12,568 --> 00:03:14,402
My sympathies, sweetheart.
That's a shame.

72
00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:16,822
But there is nothing better
than a black funeral.

73
00:03:16,947 --> 00:03:20,617
I'm still hungover
from my grandpa's in '84.

74
00:03:22,118 --> 00:03:23,370
Earl, my nanny was white.

75
00:03:23,495 --> 00:03:26,623
Your nanny was white?
Child, you were rich.

76
00:03:28,417 --> 00:03:29,543
Have you seen Han?

77
00:03:29,668 --> 00:03:31,002
The funeral's
in Philadelphia tomorrow,

78
00:03:31,127 --> 00:03:32,170
and I need the day off.

79
00:03:32,295 --> 00:03:34,213
Well, I think I saw him earlier,
but then again,

80
00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:36,508
it might have been a cat.

81
00:03:37,593 --> 00:03:39,218
Hey, we both need the day off.

82
00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:40,804
I'm going with you
for moral support,

83
00:03:40,930 --> 00:03:42,180
slash, my first cheese steak,

84
00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:43,640
slash, I want to ride
the Liberty Bell

85
00:03:43,765 --> 00:03:44,849
like a wrecking ball.

86
00:03:45,893 --> 00:03:48,978
I just read the craziest article
in this Popular Science

87
00:03:49,103 --> 00:03:52,231
about white dwarfs,
black holes, and Uranus.

88
00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:56,027
Oh, no.
Let me start over.

89
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:59,156
Han, we need tomorrow off.
My nanny died.

90
00:03:59,281 --> 00:04:01,908
-She was like a mother to me.
-But she was not your mother.

91
00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:04,203
And diner rules clearly state
you can only take off

92
00:04:04,328 --> 00:04:05,788
for the death
of a family member.

93
00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:07,372
Well, the rules also say

94
00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:09,582
"No drinking
on the job," but, uh....

95
00:04:09,832 --> 00:04:11,418
(CAN OPENS)

96
00:04:13,002 --> 00:04:14,921
Okay, yes, you can go.

97
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:17,800
Because in my culture,
it's important to honor the elderly.

98
00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:21,595
I shared a bunk bed with
a 97-year-old till I was 22.

99
00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:25,182
Were you on the top
or the bottom?

100
00:04:25,307 --> 00:04:27,434
No, I was always the bottom.

101
00:04:32,398 --> 00:04:34,817
Oh, no.
Let me start over.

102
00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:37,694
(POLISH ACCENT) Hey, Caroline.

103
00:04:37,819 --> 00:04:39,862
I got your nanny
death text.

104
00:04:39,988 --> 00:04:42,115
So, I'm wearing black
out of respect.

105
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:45,494
And also,
I got my period.

106
00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:48,413
Thanks, Sophie,
that's lovely.

107
00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:50,499
It is, which part?

108
00:04:51,375 --> 00:04:54,336
You know, back in Poland
when my nanny died,

109
00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:58,632
I was so heartbroken,
I could barely eat her.

110
00:05:07,098 --> 00:05:09,600
You ate your dead nanny?

111
00:05:09,726 --> 00:05:12,478
Well, a goat's a goat.

112
00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:13,980
It doesn't matter
what you name it.

113
00:05:14,105 --> 00:05:16,774
It's still good goat meat.

114
00:05:17,942 --> 00:05:20,696
All right, I'll be in my booth.

115
00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:24,033
I'm going to order a tuna melt
and three Midol, please.

116
00:05:26,117 --> 00:05:27,452
Wait, how are we
gonna get there?

117
00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:29,913
Oh, Bebe said she had a car,
we can just ask her.

118
00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:31,331
I don't want to get
in a car with her.

119
00:05:31,497 --> 00:05:34,334
I don't even want to get
in a conversation with her.

120
00:05:34,459 --> 00:05:35,752
I can drive you.

121
00:05:35,877 --> 00:05:38,129
We just have to stop
at my sister's in Bucks County,

122
00:05:38,254 --> 00:05:40,507
pick up an unmarked package,
and swing by Connecticut

123
00:05:40,632 --> 00:05:42,800
to drop it off.

124
00:05:42,884 --> 00:05:45,678
Oleg, is there anything illegal
about this delivery?

125
00:05:45,803 --> 00:05:47,639
No, it's just some shoes...

126
00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:50,016
stuffed with cocaine.

127
00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:52,603
Also the shoes
are made of hashish.

128
00:05:53,978 --> 00:05:55,271
I'll call Bebe.

129
00:05:55,396 --> 00:05:56,731
Okay, but I'm sitting
in the back

130
00:05:56,856 --> 00:05:59,026
'cause I don't want
the crazy to get on me.

131
00:06:03,362 --> 00:06:06,949
Bebe, I can't thank you enough
for driving us to the funeral.

132
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:10,536
We're only going 20.
You can go faster if you want.

133
00:06:10,661 --> 00:06:13,665
Yeah, we just got
passed by a tree.

134
00:06:13,831 --> 00:06:16,502
And I'm especially thrilled
your nervous cocker spaniel

135
00:06:16,627 --> 00:06:19,170
with gas and hot spots
got to join us.

136
00:06:20,379 --> 00:06:23,007
Okay, now you're going 100.
(CHUCKLES)

137
00:06:23,175 --> 00:06:24,718
We can go slower
if you want.

138
00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:27,178
Sorry.
Extremes, that's my thing.

139
00:06:27,303 --> 00:06:29,807
One time I moved
to Tokyo for a day.

140
00:06:30,848 --> 00:06:32,725
Max, it just hit me again.

141
00:06:32,850 --> 00:06:35,687
I know.
It's like she feeds him broccoli.

142
00:06:36,521 --> 00:06:39,566
No, that Antonia
is really dead.

143
00:06:39,691 --> 00:06:41,567
Well, the good news is,
according to Yelp,

144
00:06:41,692 --> 00:06:43,194
she's dead about two blocks
from the famous

145
00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:44,612
Philly cheese steak place.

146
00:06:44,737 --> 00:06:47,574
-Max, show some respect.
-Well, I didn't know her.

147
00:06:47,699 --> 00:06:49,534
In fact, I only know her
as the lady who brought me

148
00:06:49,701 --> 00:06:51,620
and cheese steaks together.

149
00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:54,038
Even though we've never met,
it'll mean so much

150
00:06:54,163 --> 00:06:56,875
to Antonia's family that I came
out of respect.

151
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,836
It'll mean so much
to my therapist that I left

152
00:06:58,961 --> 00:07:01,338
my safe zone and only brought
one of the dogs.

153
00:07:02,755 --> 00:07:04,507
Max, do you think,
in addition to my eulogy,

154
00:07:04,632 --> 00:07:06,884
I should read something
from my childhood journal?

155
00:07:07,052 --> 00:07:09,096
I don't, but I think
you're gonna do it anyway.

156
00:07:09,221 --> 00:07:12,223
"Christmas morning, 1997.

157
00:07:12,391 --> 00:07:14,309
Antonia woke me up
with a cup of hot cocoa

158
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,103
and my favorite
peppermint stick,

159
00:07:16,228 --> 00:07:17,687
and then we opened presents."

160
00:07:17,812 --> 00:07:19,814
Christmas morning, 1997.

161
00:07:19,939 --> 00:07:22,067
I threw cold water
on my mother's face.

162
00:07:22,233 --> 00:07:24,153
New Year's day,
still no movement.

163
00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:26,572
Aw.

164
00:07:26,737 --> 00:07:30,324
This is the only picture
I still have of us.

165
00:07:30,449 --> 00:07:31,951
It was our first
Halloween together.

166
00:07:32,076 --> 00:07:33,120
I was four.

167
00:07:33,245 --> 00:07:37,040
Look at that cute little baby
chick costume she made me.

168
00:07:37,165 --> 00:07:38,917
Peep-peep.

169
00:07:39,042 --> 00:07:41,836
-Aw, so cute.
-Car.

170
00:07:44,463 --> 00:07:46,466
I never had
a Halloween costume.

171
00:07:46,591 --> 00:07:48,384
I used to put my hair
in a messy bun

172
00:07:48,509 --> 00:07:51,637
and stumble from door-to-door
telling people I was my mother.

173
00:07:51,762 --> 00:07:54,473
This Halloween,
I went as my doctor, Michael.

174
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:58,019
And I dressed up my buddy here
as his lover, Joseph.

175
00:07:59,228 --> 00:08:00,814
We lost.

176
00:08:01,607 --> 00:08:03,233
Antonia was always
there for me.

177
00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:05,944
Halloween, Christmas, Easter,
every holiday.

178
00:08:06,069 --> 00:08:07,278
Really, every day.

179
00:08:07,446 --> 00:08:09,197
She was really like
a mother to me.

180
00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:10,908
Where was your real mother?

181
00:08:11,033 --> 00:08:13,410
Hey, what kind of dog is that?
I mean, besides sad?

182
00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:15,495
Her mother had an affair,
got pushed out.

183
00:08:15,620 --> 00:08:17,538
That's her hot spot,
so don't lick it.

184
00:08:18,831 --> 00:08:21,209
It's okay, Max,
I don't need any protection.

185
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:22,543
You don't need protection?

186
00:08:22,668 --> 00:08:24,670
Who are you, every guy
I've ever dated?

187
00:08:24,795 --> 00:08:27,341
Bebe, yes, my mother
was unfaithful to my father,

188
00:08:27,466 --> 00:08:28,507
so she was sent away.

189
00:08:28,634 --> 00:08:30,802
But I had Antonia,
and she took care of me.

190
00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:32,346
She was my family.

191
00:08:32,471 --> 00:08:35,014
That must have been hard.
Everybody needs a mother.

192
00:08:35,139 --> 00:08:36,850
I'd be crazy
without my mother.

193
00:08:37,808 --> 00:08:40,229
She drives me
to all my appointments.

194
00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:41,855
But you drive.

195
00:08:41,980 --> 00:08:43,105
Yeah...

196
00:08:43,231 --> 00:08:45,399
But I'm not supposed to.

197
00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:54,158
It's okay I asked Bebe
to wait in the car, right?

198
00:08:54,283 --> 00:08:56,870
I mean, she'll be okay.
We cracked a window.

199
00:08:56,995 --> 00:08:59,664
Yeah, and she's got a bowl
and a chew-toy.

200
00:09:01,707 --> 00:09:03,543
Come on, let's sign in.

201
00:09:04,461 --> 00:09:06,587
Max, I have to keep it together
when I meet the family.

202
00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:08,756
I can't be all emotional.

203
00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:11,384
Look, my hand's shaking.
This is terrible.

204
00:09:12,427 --> 00:09:14,053
(COUGHS)

205
00:09:16,181 --> 00:09:18,015
What?
It was a terrible signature.

206
00:09:18,140 --> 00:09:19,684
And there were only five
other names on the page.

207
00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:21,812
Get rid of it.

208
00:09:21,937 --> 00:09:23,145
"Get rid of it"?

209
00:09:23,272 --> 00:09:25,565
Who are you, every guy
I've ever dated?

210
00:09:27,149 --> 00:09:29,318
Caroline Channing.

211
00:09:29,443 --> 00:09:30,946
Here, Max.

212
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,405
Oh, look.

213
00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:35,200
The flowers and everything
are so beautiful.

214
00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:36,451
There you go.

215
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:40,163
You signed
"Phil E. Cheesesteak"?

216
00:09:42,206 --> 00:09:43,875
You told me not
to mention it anymore,

217
00:09:44,042 --> 00:09:46,043
so it's just a reminder.

218
00:09:46,211 --> 00:09:48,547
Okay, Max, there are
gonna be a lot of people

219
00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:50,798
who will want my attention,
so please be patient

220
00:09:50,923 --> 00:09:52,884
and stand next to me for
the occasional supportive lean.

221
00:09:53,051 --> 00:09:54,677
And if someone starts
to get too weepy,

222
00:09:54,802 --> 00:09:56,804
push them out of the way because
I can't get tears on this dress.

223
00:09:56,929 --> 00:09:59,224
It has to be back
at Barneys by 9:00 AM.

224
00:10:00,892 --> 00:10:04,104
-You're here.
-Here we go, Max.

225
00:10:04,354 --> 00:10:06,355
(SOBBING)

226
00:10:08,567 --> 00:10:10,860
I was talking to him.

227
00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:18,744
Of course you were.
It's a very sad day for us all.

228
00:10:21,370 --> 00:10:23,664
That was rough!

229
00:10:27,376 --> 00:10:28,378
Oh.

230
00:10:28,503 --> 00:10:30,922
Max, look.
This is Antonia.

231
00:10:31,088 --> 00:10:33,884
-Wow. She looks really nice.
-She was.

232
00:10:34,009 --> 00:10:36,385
I didn't know she was
in the military.

233
00:10:36,510 --> 00:10:39,556
But it does explain those
fabulous bed sheet corners.

234
00:10:39,681 --> 00:10:42,100
Wait, you didn't know
your nanny was a marine?

235
00:10:42,225 --> 00:10:43,894
That's too bad,
'cause I'd be all,

236
00:10:44,019 --> 00:10:47,397
"Yo, other little rich kid,
my nanny can snap your neck!"

237
00:10:48,273 --> 00:10:51,942
Oh, look, there are her sisters,
Cecelia and Angela,

238
00:10:52,068 --> 00:10:54,528
and there are her nieces
and nephews.

239
00:10:54,653 --> 00:10:57,783
And there is... not me anywhere.

240
00:10:57,865 --> 00:10:59,493
You know, my picture
must be in the coffin

241
00:10:59,618 --> 00:11:01,327
with the other VIPs.

242
00:11:03,705 --> 00:11:06,666
If you're a VIP, can we get
some bottle service?

243
00:11:06,792 --> 00:11:08,793
Good afternoon, ladies.
I'm Anthony.

244
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,461
Antonia's nephew.

245
00:11:10,586 --> 00:11:11,712
It's sad day, huh?

246
00:11:11,837 --> 00:11:13,215
Yes, it is.

247
00:11:14,466 --> 00:11:16,467
Oh. Think I just got
a little less sad.

248
00:11:16,634 --> 00:11:18,970
Oh! Anthony!

249
00:11:19,096 --> 00:11:20,639
Stop.
We're family.

250
00:11:20,764 --> 00:11:21,932
I'm Caroline Channing.

251
00:11:22,057 --> 00:11:24,809
You're Caroline "Hot,"
is all I know.

252
00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:28,522
You ladies need cash envelopes
or you guys cool?

253
00:11:29,147 --> 00:11:31,982
I always need
a cash envelope.

254
00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:34,360
I'm sorry,
envelopes for what?

255
00:11:34,485 --> 00:11:36,696
Well, at Italian wakes,
the mourners give the family

256
00:11:36,822 --> 00:11:38,865
a donation after they view
the deceased.

257
00:11:38,990 --> 00:11:40,700
So, it's pay-per-view?

258
00:11:41,993 --> 00:11:43,787
That was a good one.

259
00:11:44,620 --> 00:11:46,498
Hey, you want to go
get a pop later?

260
00:11:47,874 --> 00:11:50,501
We're leaving right after,
but, yes, Anthony, thank you.

261
00:11:50,626 --> 00:11:52,086
We'll take an envelope.

262
00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:54,880
The body's right through there.

263
00:11:56,508 --> 00:11:57,384
Go right ahead.

264
00:11:57,509 --> 00:12:00,010
Anthony, stop.

265
00:12:00,177 --> 00:12:01,303
I'm really nervous.

266
00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:02,972
I've never seen
a dead body before.

267
00:12:03,097 --> 00:12:04,349
I've seen a bunch.

268
00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:06,643
A couple of them
were my fault.

269
00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:09,270
I don't have any cash.
Do you have any money?

270
00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:11,105
Let me check my wallet.

271
00:12:12,691 --> 00:12:15,693
This is a real Ziploc,
not one of those knock-offs.

272
00:12:17,988 --> 00:12:19,280
Make sure you seal
the envelope,

273
00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:21,575
so people think
it's all quarters.

274
00:12:22,283 --> 00:12:24,744
Max, we're next.
I'm afraid. Hold my hand.

275
00:12:24,870 --> 00:12:26,163
Hold hands?

276
00:12:26,288 --> 00:12:28,874
What are we, on a Christian Mingle
fifth date?

277
00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:32,210
Please, Max.
I'm nervous.

278
00:12:32,335 --> 00:12:34,421
-Oh, God.
-Thank you.

279
00:12:34,546 --> 00:12:36,130
Okay, now give it back.

280
00:12:36,630 --> 00:12:39,592
What? That was just
my longest relationship.

281
00:12:39,717 --> 00:12:42,261
Plus, I need it to put
this change in the envelope.

282
00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:49,226
Oh, she looks so peaceful.

283
00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:52,272
Hi, Antonia.
It's me, Caroline.

284
00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:53,648
Should I kiss her?

285
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:55,066
The family is right
there watching.

286
00:12:55,149 --> 00:12:57,277
-The lady before us kissed her.
-Go for it.

287
00:12:57,402 --> 00:12:59,236
Doesn't look like
she'd bite you.

288
00:13:00,822 --> 00:13:02,323
Okay, on the count of three.

289
00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:04,326
One, two...

290
00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:05,994
No, Max, hold my hand again
while I...

291
00:13:09,788 --> 00:13:11,500
What do we do?

292
00:13:12,082 --> 00:13:13,125
Wait, leave it!

293
00:13:13,250 --> 00:13:14,293
We were giving it
to them anyway.

294
00:13:14,418 --> 00:13:16,962
Not all of it.
That's our cheese steak money.

295
00:13:17,087 --> 00:13:19,341
Leave it. Come on.

296
00:13:19,924 --> 00:13:22,259
I am so, so sorry
about that.

297
00:13:22,427 --> 00:13:24,721
My nerves got the best of me.
You understand.

298
00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:28,140
-I'm Cecelia, Antonia's--
-Sister, I know.

299
00:13:28,265 --> 00:13:29,893
I see the resemblance.

300
00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:31,519
I'm Caroline.

301
00:13:33,270 --> 00:13:35,524
Caroline who?

302
00:13:35,649 --> 00:13:38,317
Oh. Caroline Channing.

303
00:13:40,361 --> 00:13:42,905
Caroline Channing who?

304
00:13:43,615 --> 00:13:45,158
You're having
a hard time processing.

305
00:13:45,283 --> 00:13:46,283
Understandable.

306
00:13:46,408 --> 00:13:48,036
It's been a very emotional day
for us all.

307
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:50,080
Who is this girl?

308
00:13:50,205 --> 00:13:52,749
You, I feel like
I've seen somewhere.

309
00:13:53,959 --> 00:13:56,628
Are you Ricky's girl
from Rochester?

310
00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:59,213
I could be.
What's in it for me?

311
00:14:00,798 --> 00:14:03,009
Antonia used to take care of me
when I was little.

312
00:14:03,134 --> 00:14:06,638
Oh, Antonia
was your babysitter.

313
00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:08,431
Very nice of you to come.

314
00:14:08,557 --> 00:14:11,308
Well, she was hardly
my babysitter.

315
00:14:11,433 --> 00:14:13,979
She took care of me
every day for ten years.

316
00:14:14,104 --> 00:14:16,273
Caroline.
Caroline Channing.

317
00:14:16,398 --> 00:14:20,568
I'm sorry, but I don't know
who you are, sweetheart,

318
00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:25,030
though it seems to be
what you're hammering me about.

319
00:14:26,490 --> 00:14:29,286
If you'll excuse me,
I need a cigarette.

320
00:14:29,411 --> 00:14:30,662
And then I got to remove

321
00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:33,831
some of those pennies off
of my sister.

322
00:14:33,999 --> 00:14:36,918
It's a coffin,
not a wishing well.

323
00:14:42,756 --> 00:14:46,302
This funeral turned out
to be very depressing.

324
00:14:46,427 --> 00:14:47,596
Well, yeah.

325
00:14:47,721 --> 00:14:51,015
Dead body in the room,
generally a buzz-kill.

326
00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:52,475
Unless it's an Irish wake,

327
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,144
then you're playing beer pong
off the coffin.

328
00:14:55,269 --> 00:14:58,856
No, I mean, how is it possible
that the family doesn't know me?

329
00:14:58,981 --> 00:15:00,984
Did Antonia never even
mention me?

330
00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:04,195
Let's focus on the positive.
Anthony really liked your ass.

331
00:15:05,697 --> 00:15:08,198
I know what Antonia
and I had.

332
00:15:08,325 --> 00:15:09,701
This is what we had.

333
00:15:09,868 --> 00:15:12,370
Peep-peep.
That's what we had.

334
00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:14,205
Well, that's a lot.

335
00:15:14,331 --> 00:15:16,332
But I guess no one in this
family wants to admit that,

336
00:15:16,457 --> 00:15:19,126
and it's a shame too,
because I had a great eulogy.

337
00:15:19,251 --> 00:15:21,921
-You do?
-Yes. I do.

338
00:15:22,047 --> 00:15:23,465
Would you like me
to share it with you?

339
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,966
-I most certainly would.
-Oh!

340
00:15:26,091 --> 00:15:28,886
You are not seriously
eulogy-bombing

341
00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:30,513
that old lady, are you?

342
00:15:30,639 --> 00:15:32,557
She asked me
about my great eulogy.

343
00:15:32,724 --> 00:15:33,682
She's 100,

344
00:15:33,807 --> 00:15:36,977
she probably thought you said
you had a great urologist.

345
00:15:37,729 --> 00:15:39,063
Do you have a pen?

346
00:15:39,230 --> 00:15:42,107
I'm getting the name
of her doctor.

347
00:15:43,317 --> 00:15:45,695
No, ma'am, I didn't say,
"urologist."

348
00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:48,657
I said, "eulogy."
A great eulogy.

349
00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:51,826
Why would you give
the eulogy?

350
00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:55,120
Because I'm Caroline Channing.

351
00:15:55,245 --> 00:15:56,498
Who?

352
00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:58,667
Caroline Channing.

353
00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:01,628
Caroline Channing?

354
00:16:01,753 --> 00:16:03,754
Antonia was my nanny.

355
00:16:03,879 --> 00:16:06,758
My family was rich, but then
my father robbed everyone,

356
00:16:06,883 --> 00:16:08,592
and we became
the scourge of society,

357
00:16:08,759 --> 00:16:10,177
overshadowed a little bit

358
00:16:10,302 --> 00:16:12,263
by Mel Gibson hating the Jews
that same week.

359
00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:13,847
Surely, you remember?

360
00:16:15,557 --> 00:16:19,645
Honey, I don't even remember
how I got here.

361
00:16:22,981 --> 00:16:24,609
I can't believe this.

362
00:16:24,775 --> 00:16:27,195
I constructed my entire
"happy" childhood

363
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:28,904
on the fact that
even though my mom left

364
00:16:29,029 --> 00:16:31,950
and apparently didn't love me,
Antonia did.

365
00:16:32,116 --> 00:16:34,786
And now I get here
and I realize no one loved me,

366
00:16:34,952 --> 00:16:36,120
I was just a paycheck.

367
00:16:36,287 --> 00:16:38,123
One of the many kids
she babysat.

368
00:16:38,288 --> 00:16:40,542
I don't even know
why I bothered to come.

369
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:43,503
I'm gonna go to the restroom
and then we can just leave.

370
00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:48,966
Excuse me. Hi.

371
00:16:49,049 --> 00:16:50,677
Max, Ricky's girl.

372
00:16:50,802 --> 00:16:53,638
Ahem. I know this is
a hard time for you,

373
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,347
but it's a hard time
for my friend as well.

374
00:16:55,472 --> 00:16:57,225
And even though
you never heard of her,

375
00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:59,686
I was wondering if you could
just go over there,

376
00:16:59,811 --> 00:17:00,894
and say you just
remembered her,

377
00:17:01,062 --> 00:17:02,938
and that Antonia talked
about her all the time?

378
00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:06,817
I know it's a 180 on your
original story and a lie,

379
00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:08,778
and I'd offer to pay you
for your trouble,

380
00:17:08,903 --> 00:17:11,405
but my 401K is laying in that
box on top of your sister.

381
00:17:13,031 --> 00:17:17,162
Look, I only permitted
you two to stay

382
00:17:17,287 --> 00:17:20,373
'cause your Ricky
was so nice to Uncle Joe

383
00:17:20,582 --> 00:17:23,041
when he fell off the roof
last year.

384
00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:25,836
But now, you gotta go.

385
00:17:27,130 --> 00:17:28,173
Okay.

386
00:17:28,298 --> 00:17:29,965
Be that way.

387
00:17:30,090 --> 00:17:31,759
But don't expect Ricky
to pick up Uncle Joe

388
00:17:31,925 --> 00:17:33,470
for dialysis.

389
00:17:39,601 --> 00:17:41,394
Max, what are you doing?

390
00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:43,354
The family asked me
to put it up.

391
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:44,564
They just remembered you.

392
00:17:44,689 --> 00:17:46,191
Oh, my God.

393
00:17:46,356 --> 00:17:48,192
I'm so pathetic, you have
to put up my picture

394
00:17:48,317 --> 00:17:49,486
to make me feel better?

395
00:17:49,611 --> 00:17:51,738
In a way, yes.

396
00:17:52,697 --> 00:17:54,073
It belongs up there.

397
00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:56,534
Who wouldn't want
to know that kid?

398
00:17:56,659 --> 00:18:00,163
Nice to meet you, Antonia.
Please don't haunt us.

399
00:18:00,288 --> 00:18:02,624
Now, let's hit the road and get
some freaking cheese steaks!

400
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:05,292
Max, please take that down.
It's so embarrassing.

401
00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:07,628
Nobody here knows
anything about me.

402
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:09,963
They didn't know me either, chicken.

403
00:18:10,088 --> 00:18:12,967
Hey, who you callin' chicken?

404
00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:15,511
Me. That was Antonia's
nickname for me.

405
00:18:15,636 --> 00:18:17,971
-You know who I am?
-Of course, I do.

406
00:18:18,096 --> 00:18:20,599
Antonia's little chick,
her peep.

407
00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:23,060
She loved you.

408
00:18:23,185 --> 00:18:25,730
And she loved making you
that costume.

409
00:18:25,855 --> 00:18:29,233
Took the whole kitchen table up
with all those sequins...

410
00:18:30,108 --> 00:18:33,278
But she knew you deserved
to sparkle.

411
00:18:33,403 --> 00:18:36,907
She loved you so much,
I couldn't even begin to complain.

412
00:18:37,075 --> 00:18:39,201
I'm so sorry.
What was your name?

413
00:18:39,326 --> 00:18:42,372
I'm Meg O'Hara.
I was her roommate.

414
00:18:42,497 --> 00:18:43,498
And lover.

415
00:18:45,250 --> 00:18:47,669
We were together 30 years.

416
00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:50,087
BOTH: The military!

417
00:18:56,426 --> 00:18:58,429
I know, right?

418
00:18:58,555 --> 00:18:59,806
I mean, come on.

419
00:18:59,931 --> 00:19:03,433
That's me with my arm
around her on that tank.

420
00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:06,395
And the family
still had no clue.

421
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:09,147
Vintage lez, very cool.

422
00:19:11,025 --> 00:19:13,778
I know Toni would have
wanted you to have these.

423
00:19:15,195 --> 00:19:18,615
Oh, thanks for coming, chicken.

424
00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:21,952
You're probably
the only person in the world

425
00:19:22,077 --> 00:19:24,998
who loved her as purely
as I did.

426
00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:32,922
Max, look.

427
00:19:33,047 --> 00:19:34,298
Christmas.

428
00:19:34,464 --> 00:19:36,925
And my birthday.

429
00:19:37,050 --> 00:19:39,386
And the Teen Choice Awards.

430
00:19:44,308 --> 00:19:46,310
I'm sorry for your loss.

431
00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:51,941
Thank you.

432
00:19:56,613 --> 00:19:59,324
Philly cheese steaks
for everybody!

433
00:19:59,449 --> 00:20:00,825
And you really haven't lived

434
00:20:00,950 --> 00:20:02,701
until you've driven
two hours in a Chevy

435
00:20:02,826 --> 00:20:04,787
with nine cheese steaks
and a gassy animal.

436
00:20:04,913 --> 00:20:07,414
What?
I ate mine in the car.

437
00:20:07,539 --> 00:20:09,500
Hey, Earl, you missed
one hell of a funeral.

438
00:20:09,666 --> 00:20:10,792
You should have come.

439
00:20:10,919 --> 00:20:12,170
There were some
hot octogenarians,

440
00:20:12,336 --> 00:20:13,671
and I got a definite
jungle fever vibe

441
00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:14,923
from one of them.

442
00:20:15,048 --> 00:20:18,217
Girl, at my age, you don't go
anywhere near funerals.

443
00:20:18,343 --> 00:20:19,844
You accidentally doze off,

444
00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:22,721
you spend six hours digging
yourself out of the ground.

445
00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:28,853
Hey, how you
holding up, chicken?

446
00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:30,313
I'm okay. Thanks.

447
00:20:30,438 --> 00:20:31,689
And Max, when I die,

448
00:20:31,855 --> 00:20:33,691
I don't care who else
is at my funeral,

449
00:20:33,857 --> 00:20:34,858
as long as you're there.

450
00:20:35,026 --> 00:20:36,277
Of course, I'll be there.

451
00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:39,279
The murderer always shows up
to throw off the cops.

452
00:20:39,404 --> 00:20:41,240
Also, save the money
on a casket

453
00:20:41,365 --> 00:20:43,992
and just toss me in a hole
wearing Dior and a smokey eye.

454
00:20:44,117 --> 00:20:46,746
Unless I'm fat,
then burn me.

455
00:20:46,871 --> 00:20:48,205
Well, I don't want a funeral.

456
00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:50,333
When I die, just shove
my corpse into a cannon

457
00:20:50,458 --> 00:20:52,876
and blow me directly
into the Trump Casino.

458
00:20:57,589 --> 00:20:59,592
(CASH REGISTER DINGS)

459
00:21:22,656 --> 00:21:24,659
(English US - SDH)