1
00:00:08,092 --> 00:00:09,509
Good evening, ladies.

2
00:00:10,260 --> 00:00:11,595
No.

3
00:00:11,721 --> 00:00:13,221
What are you doing?

4
00:00:13,346 --> 00:00:14,724
I know this neighborhood
is a circus,

5
00:00:14,890 --> 00:00:16,559
but our window's
becoming a freak show.

6
00:00:16,684 --> 00:00:19,103
Max, I don't think
that bearded lady earlier

7
00:00:19,228 --> 00:00:20,396
was doing it on purpose.

8
00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:22,606
It's more
of a menopause thing.

9
00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:25,818
He can't afford a cupcake.
He can't even afford two wheels.

10
00:00:28,070 --> 00:00:29,780
Hi. What can I get you?

11
00:00:29,821 --> 00:00:31,949
-I'll take one vanilla.
-That'll be four dollars.

12
00:00:32,073 --> 00:00:35,368
Actually, madam, tonight
I'll be paying with a poem.

13
00:00:36,954 --> 00:00:39,164
He'll be paying
with a poem, madam.

14
00:00:39,289 --> 00:00:42,792
"I pull.
Shadows push.

15
00:00:42,917 --> 00:00:45,128
I was a child then.

16
00:00:45,170 --> 00:00:47,256
(WHISPERS) I was a child then."

17
00:00:48,631 --> 00:00:49,508
Spit it out.

18
00:00:51,719 --> 00:00:52,719
Hey, you want a poem?

19
00:00:52,844 --> 00:00:54,262
Roses are red,
violets are blue...

20
00:00:54,387 --> 00:00:55,765
Get a job!

21
00:00:55,890 --> 00:00:57,600
And another wheel!

22
00:00:58,893 --> 00:01:00,853
That felt good.
I get why you do that.

23
00:01:00,978 --> 00:01:03,271
Wait till you get actual
fist-to-face contact.

24
00:01:03,396 --> 00:01:05,149
That's a real high.

25
00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:08,319
(THEME SONG)

26
00:01:08,486 --> 00:01:09,819
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

27
00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:18,870
Welcome to
the Williamsburg Diner, Deke.

28
00:01:18,995 --> 00:01:21,831
Where'd you hear about us?
Kitchen Nightmares?

29
00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:24,793
Okay, Max,
let's get to it.

30
00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:26,462
We have to decide what
we're each gonna make

31
00:01:26,629 --> 00:01:27,629
for our pastry school
homework.

32
00:01:27,754 --> 00:01:29,131
Or true to form,
I'll blow it off,

33
00:01:29,256 --> 00:01:31,049
beat you up,
and take yours.

34
00:01:31,174 --> 00:01:35,012
Of the top of my giant head,
I'm thinking sticky buns.

35
00:01:35,137 --> 00:01:37,807
Deke's dark sticky buns.

36
00:01:38,182 --> 00:01:39,474
We're talking about dessert,

37
00:01:39,599 --> 00:01:42,394
not what's going on
in your pants.

38
00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:44,188
Well, I would've
baked brownies,

39
00:01:44,313 --> 00:01:47,191
until I remembered I smoked
all the ingredients.

40
00:01:49,401 --> 00:01:51,778
Oh, my God,
guess who texted me again.

41
00:01:51,903 --> 00:01:52,987
Dame Judi Dench?

42
00:01:53,112 --> 00:01:54,573
Dame Judes texts me all the time.

43
00:01:54,698 --> 00:01:56,366
She's thirsty!

44
00:01:57,992 --> 00:02:00,829
More like,
damn, Judi Dench.

45
00:02:01,079 --> 00:02:02,331
Oh, hi, Deke.

46
00:02:02,498 --> 00:02:03,498
Didn't know you were here.

47
00:02:03,623 --> 00:02:04,707
You're everywhere.

48
00:02:04,834 --> 00:02:05,834
Pastry school,

49
00:02:06,001 --> 00:02:08,336
on the phone with Max talking
about pastry school,

50
00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:11,006
and now here at the counter
talking about elder sex

51
00:02:11,173 --> 00:02:13,967
with a beloved star
of stage and screen.

52
00:02:14,092 --> 00:02:15,093
-You're like--
-What...

53
00:02:15,218 --> 00:02:18,138
Denzel Washington trapped
in Channing Tatum's body?

54
00:02:22,935 --> 00:02:24,687
I get that a lot.

55
00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:29,108
Anyway, Max, this is the fourth
time Chef Nicolas has texted me

56
00:02:29,233 --> 00:02:30,234
outside of school.

57
00:02:30,359 --> 00:02:31,860
And this time
he sent me a video.

58
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:33,278
Look.

59
00:02:33,403 --> 00:02:34,905
CHEF NICOLAS: Then, Caroline,
you spoon the fat

60
00:02:35,030 --> 00:02:35,698
from the pan....

61
00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:37,908
CAROLINE: It's him making breakfast
with his shirt open.

62
00:02:38,033 --> 00:02:39,742
What do you think it means?

63
00:02:41,996 --> 00:02:45,081
That he doesn't have a fear
of bacon splatters?

64
00:02:45,206 --> 00:02:47,710
He's totally flirting
with me, right?

65
00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,670
Totally. Chef Nicolas
is hot for you.

66
00:02:49,795 --> 00:02:52,046
He has to double up on aprons
when you're around,

67
00:02:52,171 --> 00:02:53,799
know what I'm sayin'?

68
00:02:54,258 --> 00:02:56,926
Deke, this is just
private best friend stuff

69
00:02:57,051 --> 00:02:59,555
between girls, you know,
that you're not a part of.

70
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:02,223
Can I not be a part of it?

71
00:03:02,348 --> 00:03:03,893
And since Chef Nicolas
is your teacher

72
00:03:04,058 --> 00:03:05,144
and I work at the school,

73
00:03:05,269 --> 00:03:07,645
I'd appreciate it if we kept
this just between us three.

74
00:03:07,812 --> 00:03:10,106
And me.
I saw it over your shoulder.

75
00:03:10,231 --> 00:03:11,233
Doesn't hold a candle

76
00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:13,860
to my series of pantless
meatloaf videos.

77
00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:15,862
Meatloaf. Pick up.

78
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:20,116
Okay, okay, Max,
if you have time to lean,

79
00:03:20,199 --> 00:03:21,911
you have time to clean.

80
00:03:22,036 --> 00:03:23,579
And if I have time
to give you a punch,

81
00:03:23,746 --> 00:03:25,830
we have time
to have lunch.

82
00:03:26,623 --> 00:03:29,293
Max, should we help him
find his mom?

83
00:03:34,340 --> 00:03:37,134
Oh, no, now there's
two of them.

84
00:03:37,259 --> 00:03:39,218
Like gremlins.

85
00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:44,599
Now, come on, this is a diner,
not study hall.

86
00:03:44,724 --> 00:03:45,768
You're working.

87
00:03:45,893 --> 00:03:47,353
I call it spiritually dying,

88
00:03:47,478 --> 00:03:49,812
but working is a good word
for what we do here, too.

89
00:03:49,938 --> 00:03:52,650
We could figure it out tomorrow
night over some drinks.

90
00:03:52,816 --> 00:03:55,069
Couple of white wine spritzers.
Know what I'm sayin'?

91
00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:56,611
That you're
a recently-widowed woman

92
00:03:56,778 --> 00:03:58,697
on a girls' trip in Boca?

93
00:03:58,822 --> 00:04:01,741
Well, I already ate my water,
so I'm good to go.

94
00:04:01,866 --> 00:04:04,286
I am out the door.

95
00:04:04,453 --> 00:04:05,621
Hi, I'm Deke.

96
00:04:05,788 --> 00:04:07,122
Bye, Max.

97
00:04:08,581 --> 00:04:09,917
Oh, he's your friend?

98
00:04:10,042 --> 00:04:11,794
For a minute I thought
he was that kid

99
00:04:11,961 --> 00:04:14,087
I had out of wedlock
with Linda Evans.

100
00:04:15,965 --> 00:04:17,548
Okay, why are you
in here not working?

101
00:04:17,675 --> 00:04:19,593
And why are you
doing it without me?

102
00:04:19,718 --> 00:04:21,595
Look, I've been texting
with Nicolas.

103
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:24,014
He "thirs-ty."

104
00:04:24,973 --> 00:04:26,432
He wants me to meet him
for a drink

105
00:04:26,557 --> 00:04:28,018
after his dinner tomorrow.

106
00:04:28,143 --> 00:04:30,728
"After" his dinner.
You know what that means.

107
00:04:30,853 --> 00:04:32,230
So he thinks he doesn't
have to buy you dinner

108
00:04:32,355 --> 00:04:34,774
before he makes you
his slam piece?

109
00:04:34,899 --> 00:04:36,776
After dinner
is a booty call.

110
00:04:36,901 --> 00:04:37,903
Or as they say in France,

111
00:04:38,028 --> 00:04:41,322
a call du bootay.

112
00:04:41,447 --> 00:04:42,658
So I need you to hang
out with me,

113
00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:44,659
because if I don't have anything
else to do at that time,

114
00:04:44,826 --> 00:04:46,245
I won't be able
to resist him.

115
00:04:46,370 --> 00:04:47,538
I don't see it.

116
00:04:47,663 --> 00:04:49,163
Maybe because he never
pulled a knife on me,

117
00:04:49,288 --> 00:04:52,459
but to me he's, like, asexual.

118
00:04:52,584 --> 00:04:56,129
Yeah, like "a sexual object."

119
00:04:56,254 --> 00:04:58,841
Okay, well, I told Deke
I'd help him with his homework,

120
00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:00,009
so you can hang
out with us.

121
00:05:00,134 --> 00:05:01,509
Hang out with Deke?

122
00:05:01,677 --> 00:05:04,637
I didn't even like
The Muppets on TV.

123
00:05:04,762 --> 00:05:06,014
But fine, it'll...

124
00:05:06,180 --> 00:05:07,682
It'll keep me busy
because, Max,

125
00:05:07,850 --> 00:05:10,978
when Nicolas looks at me,
it does something to my insides,

126
00:05:11,103 --> 00:05:12,980
and I want this to be
a relationship

127
00:05:13,105 --> 00:05:16,149
before he does something
to my insides.

128
00:05:17,233 --> 00:05:18,694
If you keep talking
about your insides,

129
00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:20,571
I'm gonna kick you
on your outsides.

130
00:05:23,531 --> 00:05:25,867
Okay, so as far
as my dessert homework goes--

131
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:27,076
He just texted me again.

132
00:05:27,201 --> 00:05:29,579
Ou es-tu?
Where are you?

133
00:05:29,704 --> 00:05:32,331
And he used tu,
not vous.

134
00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:33,917
We've gone there.

135
00:05:35,334 --> 00:05:37,545
Then why are you
still here?

136
00:05:37,670 --> 00:05:40,173
Because I can't go there,
Max, I'm not ready.

137
00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:42,593
Oh, wax situation?

138
00:05:44,052 --> 00:05:46,305
Guys don't care about that.

139
00:05:46,430 --> 00:05:48,639
So, as far as my dessert goes,
I went all-out

140
00:05:48,766 --> 00:05:50,433
and actually did some
real research.

141
00:05:50,558 --> 00:05:52,269
You Googled desserts
with dirty names?

142
00:05:52,394 --> 00:05:53,896
Correct-o.

143
00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:55,898
And it was harder
to pick one than I thought.

144
00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:57,399
I mean, you got
your bundt cake,

145
00:05:57,566 --> 00:05:59,233
your lady fingers,

146
00:05:59,401 --> 00:06:01,235
kumquat pie....

147
00:06:02,321 --> 00:06:03,697
Cum and quat.

148
00:06:03,822 --> 00:06:05,031
It was right there
the whole time.

149
00:06:05,156 --> 00:06:06,240
How could I not see it?

150
00:06:06,365 --> 00:06:09,327
So I dug deep,
and I have the winner.

151
00:06:09,452 --> 00:06:12,122
Croquembouche.

152
00:06:12,247 --> 00:06:15,875
I don't know what that is,
but she sounds like a whore.

153
00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:18,754
It's a traditional
French wedding cake

154
00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:20,630
with vanilla cream-filled
profiteroles

155
00:06:20,755 --> 00:06:22,257
dipped in hand-made caramel.

156
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:25,677
Said the only person here
not in pastry school.

157
00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:27,553
Oh, cool.
I didn't know what it was.

158
00:06:27,678 --> 00:06:28,721
Maybe I can help.

159
00:06:28,846 --> 00:06:32,266
I happen to know Nicolas loves
a pear tarte tatin.

160
00:06:36,437 --> 00:06:38,524
Tarte tatin!
No.

161
00:06:40,442 --> 00:06:42,903
I thought I'd distract myself
by going out with you guys,

162
00:06:43,028 --> 00:06:44,779
but it feels like the day
in high school I hung out

163
00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:47,406
with the smokers
for street cred.

164
00:06:47,533 --> 00:06:49,326
And I used to hang out
with rich geeks like you

165
00:06:49,451 --> 00:06:51,120
when I needed lunch money.

166
00:06:51,245 --> 00:06:53,079
I'm texting Nicolas.

167
00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:55,124
What? You said you didn't
want him to think you were up

168
00:06:55,290 --> 00:06:58,502
for a wham-bam,
thank you, mademoiselle.

169
00:06:58,627 --> 00:07:00,963
You're right, Max.
I shouldn't text him.

170
00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:02,130
(PHONE VIBRATES)

171
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:04,257
He just texted me again.
What's one drink?

172
00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:07,093
$18.

173
00:07:07,218 --> 00:07:08,345
It is?

174
00:07:08,470 --> 00:07:09,596
Yeah, you better text him.

175
00:07:09,721 --> 00:07:12,223
We need a grown-up
to pay for the drinks.

176
00:07:12,348 --> 00:07:13,975
I'll just say
I'm with friends,

177
00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:15,351
and he can join
for a drink.

178
00:07:15,476 --> 00:07:17,562
Isn't that what people do?
I forget.

179
00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:20,565
I haven't been a person
or done anything in so long.

180
00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:23,151
Or done a person in so long.

181
00:07:24,485 --> 00:07:26,487
I won't let it get that far.

182
00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:28,240
And by that,
I mean you won't.

183
00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:30,199
I'll give you a signal and then
you'll say we have to go.

184
00:07:30,324 --> 00:07:32,952
What's the signal?
Full penetration?

185
00:07:37,206 --> 00:07:38,500
No, before that.

186
00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:41,252
So, just the tip?

187
00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:54,223
I think I'll just wink.

188
00:08:06,194 --> 00:08:08,613
So, croquembouche?

189
00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:11,658
I can't pretend to talk.

190
00:08:11,824 --> 00:08:14,661
I hope his tongue
is wearing protection.

191
00:08:18,915 --> 00:08:21,043
Hey.

192
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:22,668
Are we making you
uncomfortable?

193
00:08:22,793 --> 00:08:25,463
No, no, it's just that
I usually like to fast-forward

194
00:08:25,588 --> 00:08:27,882
through the kissing parts
when I watch porn.

195
00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:32,261
Come on, relax, Max.
We're just having some fun.

196
00:08:32,386 --> 00:08:33,889
It's just that
you're our teacher,

197
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:36,557
and your spittle
is all over her mouth.

198
00:08:36,682 --> 00:08:38,100
We're not in class.

199
00:08:38,226 --> 00:08:39,977
Do you see batter
or bowls?

200
00:08:40,102 --> 00:08:42,940
Well, we're hoping
not to see any balls.

201
00:08:45,024 --> 00:08:47,818
I see the outline
of one of 'em.

202
00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:53,408
Just don't think of me
as a teacher right now.

203
00:08:53,491 --> 00:08:55,869
Well, I'm kind
of learning a lot.

204
00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:01,166
You know, for someone
who wasn't gonna have sex...

205
00:09:01,291 --> 00:09:03,710
she's having sex.

206
00:09:03,876 --> 00:09:05,254
I'm leaving.

207
00:09:05,379 --> 00:09:07,547
I haven't felt this awkward
since my mom had sex

208
00:09:07,673 --> 00:09:10,384
with my prom date in the limo
and made me drive.

209
00:09:11,509 --> 00:09:13,886
Your mom sounds cool.

210
00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:16,639
Come on, you can't leave.
We just got here.

211
00:09:16,764 --> 00:09:20,059
Well, she's about to get there,
and I don't wanna see it.

212
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:22,812
Well, we can make out.

213
00:09:22,937 --> 00:09:25,899
Ha! You wanna make out?
With me?

214
00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:28,235
No, a comedy make out.

215
00:09:28,402 --> 00:09:31,028
You know, like...
(BABBLING)

216
00:09:37,451 --> 00:09:39,453
Well, you make it
look so tempting.

217
00:09:39,578 --> 00:09:42,581
(LAUGHS)
Come on, it'll be hilarious.

218
00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:45,876
Let my mouth be your tongue's
panic room.

219
00:09:46,003 --> 00:09:47,796
And Chef Nicolas
could use a few pointers.

220
00:09:48,129 --> 00:09:50,966
(CAROLINE MOANING)

221
00:09:54,885 --> 00:09:57,847
Yeah, he's really bad at it.

222
00:09:57,972 --> 00:09:58,974
All right, why not?

223
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,600
It might even get
their attention.

224
00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:03,437
On the count of three.
One, two....

225
00:10:03,602 --> 00:10:06,565
(BOTH BABBLING)

226
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:07,941
Did they look?

227
00:10:08,107 --> 00:10:11,193
No, he's busy rounding third.

228
00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:12,611
My turn.

229
00:10:12,778 --> 00:10:14,780
(BABBLING)

230
00:10:16,408 --> 00:10:18,159
Max, what's happening?

231
00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:20,995
Hey.

232
00:10:23,914 --> 00:10:25,875
(DEKE BABBLING)

233
00:10:27,668 --> 00:10:30,629
He's licking your face.

234
00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:32,173
Leave them alone.

235
00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:34,509
Deke seems to know
what he's doing.

236
00:10:34,592 --> 00:10:36,470
Respect.

237
00:10:37,888 --> 00:10:41,850
Well, hate to comedy
make out and run, but, well,

238
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:44,561
I'm already mentally at Yummy
Donuts trying to binge eat

239
00:10:44,686 --> 00:10:47,355
this image out of my mind.

240
00:10:51,692 --> 00:10:54,321
Hold on, Max.
The signal.

241
00:10:54,446 --> 00:10:58,366
See, this is why
I don't do "girlfriend."

242
00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:00,118
Come on, we have somewhere
to go or be,

243
00:11:00,243 --> 00:11:01,827
something like that.

244
00:11:03,996 --> 00:11:07,458
Well....
(CHUCKLES)

245
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,296
We have to go.

246
00:11:11,421 --> 00:11:14,131
See you later.
Au revoir.

247
00:11:24,267 --> 00:11:25,894
'Sup?

248
00:11:26,977 --> 00:11:29,022
Not much.

249
00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:31,691
'Sup with you?

250
00:11:31,899 --> 00:11:34,193
(CELL PHONE RINGS)

251
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,696
Sorry, I have to get this.
It's my wife.

252
00:11:36,822 --> 00:11:37,864
Hello?

253
00:11:40,241 --> 00:11:42,494
(PROLONGED) Girl....

254
00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:51,919
Oh, I totally forgot
to tell you.

255
00:11:52,044 --> 00:11:54,713
You're terrible at making out.

256
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:57,634
Well, I never had
a father to teach me.

257
00:11:57,801 --> 00:11:59,052
(ELEVATOR DINGS)

258
00:11:59,635 --> 00:12:00,636
Hey, Big Mary.

259
00:12:00,761 --> 00:12:04,432
Hallway lunch.
Love that for you.

260
00:12:05,142 --> 00:12:06,058
And you...

261
00:12:06,183 --> 00:12:08,562
This could've been your walk
of shame right now

262
00:12:08,727 --> 00:12:11,230
if I hadn't stepped in, Winky.

263
00:12:11,355 --> 00:12:13,482
Yes, last night got
a little out of hand.

264
00:12:13,607 --> 00:12:16,485
Oh, it was pretty much
in your hand.

265
00:12:16,610 --> 00:12:18,904
No, it was not, Max.

266
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,782
Yes, there might have been
a tasteful graze

267
00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:23,326
just to figure out how
European he was down there.

268
00:12:23,451 --> 00:12:25,870
Good news, it's not wearing
a floppy beret.

269
00:12:25,995 --> 00:12:28,956
So we are right on track for
a perfect fairy-tale romance.

270
00:12:29,081 --> 00:12:31,042
Yeah, "The Princess
and the Penis."

271
00:12:31,168 --> 00:12:32,626
See you at the diner, Max.

272
00:12:32,751 --> 00:12:34,796
Au revoir, mes amis.

273
00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:37,340
I have to kinda
tell you something

274
00:12:37,466 --> 00:12:38,591
that you have to promise

275
00:12:38,716 --> 00:12:40,759
you kind of definitely
won't tell Caroline.

276
00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:42,928
Are you about to tell me
that when she speaks French

277
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:44,221
it makes you want
to slam your head

278
00:12:44,306 --> 00:12:45,764
through that plate-glass
window, too?

279
00:12:45,890 --> 00:12:46,765
Heh.

280
00:12:46,892 --> 00:12:48,976
Well, the thing is
he's married.

281
00:12:49,101 --> 00:12:51,104
-He's married?
-Uh-huh.

282
00:12:51,270 --> 00:12:52,272
How do you know?

283
00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:55,399
He's not wearing a ring,
and he doesn't seem dead inside.

284
00:12:55,524 --> 00:12:57,903
His wife called him
after you guys left.

285
00:12:57,943 --> 00:13:00,739
-How could he do that?
-He's French?

286
00:13:00,864 --> 00:13:04,075
-And not tell Caroline.
-He's French?

287
00:13:04,201 --> 00:13:05,451
What a jerk.

288
00:13:05,619 --> 00:13:08,205
"Fronch?"

289
00:13:08,330 --> 00:13:10,123
I'm telling her
right now.

290
00:13:10,289 --> 00:13:12,417
Wait, wait, wait, Max,
do me a favor.

291
00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:15,211
Can you just wait until after
I turn in my croquembouche?

292
00:13:15,336 --> 00:13:18,590
I'm already on thin ice
with au-bon-pain-in-my-ass.

293
00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:20,258
This sucks.

294
00:13:20,383 --> 00:13:21,676
He's married, and Caroline
has this weird thing

295
00:13:21,759 --> 00:13:23,802
in her head that she has
to marry somebody

296
00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:25,388
that wasn't married.

297
00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:30,393
Bonjour, Bebe.
Ca va?

298
00:13:30,519 --> 00:13:32,312
Oh, boy!

299
00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:33,980
I'm not really good
with any languages.

300
00:13:34,105 --> 00:13:36,899
They think it's because
I got hit by three cars.

301
00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:41,278
FYI, if you ever get hit,
just stay down.

302
00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:44,783
Well, guess what?

303
00:13:44,908 --> 00:13:47,409
I got you and me salads.
Girls' lunch.

304
00:13:47,536 --> 00:13:48,745
Well, I usually just have

305
00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:51,081
peanut butter and crackers
in the dark.

306
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:55,085
I hear so much about salad
I've always wanted to try it.

307
00:13:57,003 --> 00:13:59,213
Sure. Sit.
Have some salad.

308
00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:01,173
You and me,
me and you.

309
00:14:01,298 --> 00:14:02,967
Getting to know
more about each other.

310
00:14:03,092 --> 00:14:06,136
So Bebe, tell me
everything about Nicolas.

311
00:14:06,263 --> 00:14:07,514
Oh, he's the best.

312
00:14:07,639 --> 00:14:11,058
He has the heart
and eyes of a dog.

313
00:14:12,686 --> 00:14:14,604
So, Nicolas,
where do you think he is?

314
00:14:14,729 --> 00:14:16,565
He just said
he had a lunch date.

315
00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:17,856
Date?

316
00:14:18,024 --> 00:14:19,359
Did he use the word "date,"

317
00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:20,985
or are you just using
the word "date"?

318
00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:24,114
I mean, it's not like
he's dating anyone, is he?

319
00:14:24,239 --> 00:14:26,490
No, why would he be
dating anyone?

320
00:14:26,615 --> 00:14:28,784
Exactly, why would he
be dating anyone?

321
00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:30,953
Yeah, I mean,
he's married.

322
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:32,496
(SPITTING)

323
00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:35,375
Married?

324
00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:38,878
You know, salad tastes
just like lettuce.

325
00:14:44,341 --> 00:14:46,427
You are not going
to believe this.

326
00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:48,971
Kendall Jenner is applying
to colleges?

327
00:14:50,682 --> 00:14:52,350
Come on, Max, no.

328
00:14:52,475 --> 00:14:54,602
Nicolas is...
And get ready...

329
00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:55,644
Married.

330
00:14:55,769 --> 00:14:58,063
I kissed a married man.
I'm so mortified.

331
00:14:58,188 --> 00:15:00,274
Please don't ever tell anyone
I kissed a married man.

332
00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:02,568
(POLISH ACCENT)
Okay, I won't tell anyone.

333
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:04,946
Tell anyone what?

334
00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:08,950
Caroline kissed a married man.
But don't tell anyone.

335
00:15:10,326 --> 00:15:12,787
All right, I want to go on
the record that I didn't know.

336
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:15,373
Kissing a married man
has never been in my life plan.

337
00:15:15,498 --> 00:15:17,583
It's not on my vision board
or in my dreamscape.

338
00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:18,960
I am not that
kind of person.

339
00:15:19,085 --> 00:15:21,046
But she is the kind of person
who has a vision board

340
00:15:21,211 --> 00:15:23,756
and says "dreamscape,"
so let's judge her on that.

341
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,424
I won't judge you, Caroline.

342
00:15:25,549 --> 00:15:27,259
I once went out
with a married woman.

343
00:15:27,384 --> 00:15:28,552
I didn't know
she was married

344
00:15:28,677 --> 00:15:30,388
until her spouse came
and beat me up.

345
00:15:30,513 --> 00:15:32,724
Lesbians are strong!

346
00:15:36,644 --> 00:15:40,230
Listen, married, not married,
don't be so American.

347
00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:43,025
You know, in Poland,
the wedding vows say,

348
00:15:43,150 --> 00:15:44,693
"Do you take this woman...

349
00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:47,447
...and maybe some others?"

350
00:15:49,783 --> 00:15:52,201
Well, not Polish,
and not a lesbian yet.

351
00:15:52,326 --> 00:15:53,912
So, I'm very upset.

352
00:15:54,078 --> 00:15:55,871
And, Max, why are you
just standing there?

353
00:15:55,996 --> 00:15:56,998
Why haven't you
said anything?

354
00:15:57,123 --> 00:15:58,792
Eh...

355
00:15:58,917 --> 00:16:00,043
Um...

356
00:16:00,168 --> 00:16:01,503
I kind of knew.

357
00:16:03,421 --> 00:16:06,716
Wait. You kind of knew
he was married?

358
00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:08,842
You kind of knew
and didn't kind of tell me?

359
00:16:08,967 --> 00:16:11,553
-What kind of friend are you?
-I just found out myself.

360
00:16:11,679 --> 00:16:12,846
Well, then why
didn't you tell me?

361
00:16:12,971 --> 00:16:14,932
I was going to, but then
Deke asked me not to

362
00:16:15,057 --> 00:16:16,225
until he handed in
his homework.

363
00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:17,811
And also I thought
you might cry.

364
00:16:17,936 --> 00:16:20,105
Oh, and you didn't
want to upset me?

365
00:16:20,230 --> 00:16:22,481
Nah, I didn't want
to deal with it.

366
00:16:23,607 --> 00:16:25,360
'Cause when you cry,
you don't just cry once.

367
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:26,485
It's like a six-cry thing.

368
00:16:26,610 --> 00:16:28,697
You've got the first shock cry,
the silent cry,

369
00:16:28,822 --> 00:16:30,490
the ugly cry,
the cry because you're crying,

370
00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:32,325
the cry after you say
you're not gonna cry anymore,

371
00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:34,744
and then the final cry,
which is probably my fault.

372
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:39,289
Well, you're wrong, Max,
I'm not gonna cry over this,

373
00:16:39,456 --> 00:16:41,543
because I haven't gone
far enough down the road.

374
00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:43,669
Yes, I was just beginning
to think about our future,

375
00:16:43,794 --> 00:16:45,004
but I'm not that invested.

376
00:16:45,129 --> 00:16:46,088
Oh.

377
00:16:46,213 --> 00:16:48,758
-Then what's this?
-My "do" pad.

378
00:16:48,883 --> 00:16:50,092
That's right.

379
00:16:50,217 --> 00:16:52,302
And look what I found
written on the back.

380
00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:54,806
"Caroline and Nicolas Saintcroix."

381
00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:58,809
"Mr. and Mrs. Saintcroix.
Caroline Saintcroix."

382
00:16:58,934 --> 00:17:01,730
That's just being silly.
Every girl does that.

383
00:17:01,855 --> 00:17:04,065
You're 40.

384
00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:07,277
(ELEVATOR DINGS)

385
00:17:07,484 --> 00:17:10,446
-Oh, man! This is heavy.
-I know, very heavy.

386
00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:11,990
We're back here, and I have
to deal with the fact

387
00:17:12,115 --> 00:17:15,201
that I was dry humped
by a married man.

388
00:17:16,452 --> 00:17:18,496
No, I think he meant
his dessert is heavy.

389
00:17:18,663 --> 00:17:20,999
But, yeah, you got
a lot going on.

390
00:17:21,165 --> 00:17:23,417
So, what do you want us to do?
Should we throw down?

391
00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:26,171
Mess his ass up?
Kick him in the face?

392
00:17:26,336 --> 00:17:29,423
Or just ignore it so I don't
get kicked out of school?

393
00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:31,425
No, I'll deal with Nicolas later.

394
00:17:31,550 --> 00:17:35,763
You sure? 'Cause I've always
wanted to kill a French person.

395
00:17:37,515 --> 00:17:39,224
Again.

396
00:17:41,310 --> 00:17:44,146
Thanks, but stay out of it.
I've got this.

397
00:17:44,271 --> 00:17:46,941
I'm gonna rip him
a new one.

398
00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:49,193
-Bonjour, Caroline.
-Bonjour, Nicolas.

399
00:17:50,569 --> 00:17:53,072
That wasn't a rip.
Wasn't even a tear.

400
00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:55,657
Go, go, you two.

401
00:17:55,784 --> 00:17:58,036
Got a big, hot bundt here.

402
00:17:58,161 --> 00:18:00,413
Go, go, don't be late.

403
00:18:00,538 --> 00:18:01,873
You sure that's
a croquembouche?

404
00:18:02,039 --> 00:18:04,500
'Cause it looks like
a coyote poop tree.

405
00:18:06,294 --> 00:18:08,003
Caroline, can you watch
the phones for me

406
00:18:08,128 --> 00:18:11,089
while I give Chef Nicolas
this note from his wife?

407
00:18:11,215 --> 00:18:12,592
You know what?
I'll give it to him.

408
00:18:12,717 --> 00:18:14,051
I have something I have
to say to him anyway.

409
00:18:14,176 --> 00:18:16,471
Oh, for next girls' lunch,

410
00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:18,056
have you ever had sandwiches?

411
00:18:18,181 --> 00:18:19,557
'Cause I'm thinking
of trying one.

412
00:18:23,435 --> 00:18:24,561
(KNOCKING ON WINDOW)

413
00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:27,690
Not you.

414
00:18:29,526 --> 00:18:31,861
You have got this.
You have got this.

415
00:18:31,986 --> 00:18:33,403
You broke up
with a Kennedy cousin.

416
00:18:33,529 --> 00:18:35,740
You can do this.

417
00:18:35,906 --> 00:18:37,491
Caroline, do you need something?

418
00:18:37,616 --> 00:18:40,452
I just wanted to give you this
phone message you just got.

419
00:18:40,577 --> 00:18:42,913
From your "wife."

420
00:18:43,914 --> 00:18:45,916
From your "wife"...

421
00:18:46,084 --> 00:18:48,169
-Juliette?
-Uh, I know her name.

422
00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:49,503
You're married.

423
00:18:49,628 --> 00:18:52,257
Yes, you just got
a message from my wife.

424
00:18:53,715 --> 00:18:57,386
I feel like something's getting
lost in the translation here,

425
00:18:57,511 --> 00:18:58,887
so let me be clear.

426
00:18:59,012 --> 00:19:00,557
It's over between us.

427
00:19:00,682 --> 00:19:02,724
Why?

428
00:19:04,434 --> 00:19:06,520
Why?
Because you're married.

429
00:19:06,645 --> 00:19:09,898
Again, I know that.
But why?

430
00:19:10,023 --> 00:19:12,527
What-- What do you mean why?

431
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,528
Why?
Because you are married.

432
00:19:14,653 --> 00:19:16,655
Vous est marie!

433
00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:19,826
And note, I did not use tu

434
00:19:19,951 --> 00:19:23,538
because we are back on
the more formal "vous" terms.

435
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:26,374
Look, Caroline,
my wife is in France,

436
00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:28,500
and we have
an understanding.

437
00:19:28,625 --> 00:19:32,505
Well, I'm having a hard time
understanding any of this.

438
00:19:32,630 --> 00:19:34,464
And whatever arrangement
you and Juliette have,

439
00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:35,924
it's over between you and me.

440
00:19:36,049 --> 00:19:37,885
Here.

441
00:19:40,721 --> 00:19:43,391
You are very cute
when you're angry.

442
00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:44,767
I am?

443
00:19:44,893 --> 00:19:47,228
Actually, you are very cute
all the time.

444
00:19:47,353 --> 00:19:48,563
Cute and sexy.

445
00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:50,480
From the moment I saw you,
I wanted to...

446
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:54,277
-...put my lips onto yours.
-You did?

447
00:19:54,402 --> 00:19:55,486
Yes.

448
00:19:55,653 --> 00:19:59,365
Caroline, you are a smart,
sexy, delicious woman.

449
00:19:59,490 --> 00:20:01,116
And now that I've kissed--

450
00:20:01,241 --> 00:20:02,868
Do you have something
in your eye?

451
00:20:02,993 --> 00:20:05,496
No, no, no.
No, no.

452
00:20:07,664 --> 00:20:09,959
It's never you!

453
00:20:12,795 --> 00:20:14,212
I'm sorry,
what is happening?

454
00:20:14,338 --> 00:20:16,840
Chef Nicolas, uh, you need
to get back in there

455
00:20:16,965 --> 00:20:18,050
because the chef
with the neck tattoo

456
00:20:18,175 --> 00:20:20,219
is trying to pass off
a store-bought tiramisu.

457
00:20:20,345 --> 00:20:22,638
There is one every year.

458
00:20:24,973 --> 00:20:26,726
Caroline.

459
00:20:28,685 --> 00:20:30,480
Are you okay?
What did he say?

460
00:20:30,605 --> 00:20:32,648
He said he's married,
and it's confusing,

461
00:20:32,773 --> 00:20:34,232
and I'm delicious.

462
00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:35,526
Okay, well, he's married,

463
00:20:35,692 --> 00:20:36,693
it's confusing,
and you're delicious.

464
00:20:36,861 --> 00:20:39,447
So you're
Mrs. Delicious Saintcroix.

465
00:20:40,365 --> 00:20:43,201
-So it's over, right?
-Yeah, of course, it's over.

466
00:20:43,326 --> 00:20:44,743
No drama, no more crying.

467
00:20:44,868 --> 00:20:46,371
I would never be
with a married man.

468
00:20:46,496 --> 00:20:48,373
Yeah, that's more my thing.

469
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,794
Oh, my God, Max, you know
what I just realized?

470
00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:55,963
I once said I would
never be a waitress.

471
00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:58,715
(PROLONGED) Girl....

472
00:21:01,844 --> 00:21:03,512
(CASH REGISTER DINGS)

473
00:21:26,827 --> 00:21:28,121
(English US - SDH)