1
00:00:01,877 --> 00:00:04,088
(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING IN CAR)

2
00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:08,134
Max, that car has been parked
outside for a week now.

3
00:00:08,259 --> 00:00:11,387
Do you think they're selling drugs?
Let me rephrase that.

4
00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:13,723
Are they selling drugs to you?

5
00:00:14,013 --> 00:00:16,725
No. They're not buying, either.

6
00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:21,271
Hi. We have a new
mochaccino cupcake.

7
00:00:21,439 --> 00:00:24,649
Oh, no. No, no, no.
That car's not with us.

8
00:00:25,734 --> 00:00:30,155
Well, that's the third customer that
didn't stop because of that rap car.

9
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:33,408
To be fair, this place
wasn't Walmart on Black Friday

10
00:00:33,533 --> 00:00:35,618
before the car showed up.

11
00:00:35,786 --> 00:00:37,246
I'm going to go ask it to move.

12
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:40,249
Cool. I'll tell your horse
you died brave.

13
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,585
Stupid, but brave.

14
00:00:42,835 --> 00:00:45,128
At least take this pan,
and cover the part

15
00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:47,338
you want to get shot in the least.

16
00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:48,966
(KNOCKING)

17
00:00:49,133 --> 00:00:51,676
Hi. Can I talk to you for a second?

18
00:00:51,801 --> 00:00:54,387
I need to see your head at all times.

19
00:00:57,515 --> 00:01:00,728
First of all,
they're obsessed with me.

20
00:01:02,146 --> 00:01:03,521
Second of all, I handled it.

21
00:01:05,941 --> 00:01:08,527
Have I been shot?

22
00:01:10,445 --> 00:01:12,406
(THEME MUSIC)

23
00:01:12,489 --> 00:01:13,823
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

24
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:24,501
Well, I did it.
I saved the neighborhood.

25
00:01:24,668 --> 00:01:28,046
You had a car towed. You didn't
burn down the Bed, Bath & Beyond.

26
00:01:29,088 --> 00:01:31,382
It wasn't the blue one
with the tinted windows,

27
00:01:31,424 --> 00:01:35,638
AKA, the murder car?
AKA, the murder car?

28
00:01:37,014 --> 00:01:39,265
Tell me that's the name
of the make and model,

29
00:01:39,390 --> 00:01:41,852
like, "The Toyota Murder."

30
00:01:42,186 --> 00:01:45,063
Are you sure you're not thinking
of the Honda Stabbing?

31
00:01:45,188 --> 00:01:47,983
Caroline, some guy
stopped by asking for you

32
00:01:48,067 --> 00:01:50,735
with a festive bandana
and a teardrop tattoo.

33
00:01:51,402 --> 00:01:53,781
A festive bandana
and a teardrop tattoo...

34
00:01:53,864 --> 00:01:55,783
Are you sure
it wasn't my mother?

35
00:01:56,408 --> 00:01:58,409
He said he wanted to talk
to you about his car,

36
00:01:58,536 --> 00:01:59,703
so I gave him your number.

37
00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:02,164
-Han!
-I thought he was your friend.

38
00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:05,167
I don't have friends
with tattoos.

39
00:02:05,292 --> 00:02:07,585
I don't even have friends
with split ends.

40
00:02:09,128 --> 00:02:11,465
You gave a stranger my number.

41
00:02:11,590 --> 00:02:13,717
Your number, your email,
and your address.

42
00:02:15,051 --> 00:02:16,594
What? You're a busy girl.

43
00:02:16,719 --> 00:02:18,806
I didn't know the best way
for him to reach you.

44
00:02:18,931 --> 00:02:21,224
Oh, my God.
Max, am I in trouble?

45
00:02:21,432 --> 00:02:24,562
(BELL RINGING)
Pick-up, dead meat.

46
00:02:24,728 --> 00:02:26,271
What does that mean?

47
00:02:26,354 --> 00:02:30,568
It means it's never a good idea to
have a car with tinted windows towed.

48
00:02:30,609 --> 00:02:32,652
That's rule number one.

49
00:02:32,777 --> 00:02:36,323
I thought rule number one was,
"Always wipe front to back."

50
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,284
-Max, I'm worried.
-Me, too.

51
00:02:39,325 --> 00:02:41,996
I thought it was back to front.

52
00:02:43,747 --> 00:02:45,415
What's up, Nat King Cool?

53
00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:48,418
Hey, my brother
from a Jewish mother.

54
00:02:48,586 --> 00:02:51,921
Hey, my daddy
that just smoked a fatty.

55
00:02:54,425 --> 00:02:56,426
Oh, look, Max,
it's your boyfriend.

56
00:02:56,551 --> 00:02:58,804
He's not my boyfriend.
We just made out.

57
00:02:59,096 --> 00:03:00,598
I make out with people
all the time.

58
00:03:00,764 --> 00:03:02,849
I made out with a guy
in the diner last week.

59
00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:04,435
That wasn't making out.

60
00:03:04,602 --> 00:03:07,896
He was choking,
and you gave him mouth-to-mouth.

61
00:03:08,646 --> 00:03:11,317
Yeah, but it led to sex.
Go away.

62
00:03:11,442 --> 00:03:14,068
Hey, Max, I came in
to ask you something.

63
00:03:14,193 --> 00:03:16,362
They're natural,
and they hurt my back.

64
00:03:17,781 --> 00:03:20,825
I also wanted to know if you
want to hang tomorrow night.

65
00:03:20,950 --> 00:03:23,454
We could watch TV
with our shirts off.

66
00:03:24,246 --> 00:03:26,873
Maybe. And I'll buy you
some dinner if you put out.

67
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,584
Ooh, so like a date.

68
00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:31,878
I'm willing to throw
ten, $15 at this thing.

69
00:03:32,003 --> 00:03:35,257
You want to throw $15 at my thing?

70
00:03:36,425 --> 00:03:38,218
Great.

71
00:03:38,343 --> 00:03:39,844
I usually charge five.

72
00:03:41,597 --> 00:03:43,807
You came all the way here
to ask me out?

73
00:03:43,932 --> 00:03:47,394
I'm old-fashioned. Plus,
I dropped my phone in the toilet.

74
00:03:47,645 --> 00:03:50,063
-See you tomorrow.
-Okay.

75
00:03:50,271 --> 00:03:52,524
Now go.
I have a job to not do.

76
00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:55,860
-Okay.
-Go, idiot.

77
00:03:55,985 --> 00:03:57,570
Okay, dummy.

78
00:03:57,862 --> 00:04:00,115
ALL: Aww!

79
00:04:02,116 --> 00:04:05,329
Okay, Han,
I can't hold you up anymore.

80
00:04:12,086 --> 00:04:15,838
Max, I think I just saw the murder
car go by, out the bathroom window.

81
00:04:16,382 --> 00:04:19,384
-What exactly did you see?
-A car.

82
00:04:21,177 --> 00:04:23,262
No, seriously,
I think it followed me home.

83
00:04:23,721 --> 00:04:26,557
Well, three years ago, you
followed me home, so we're even.

84
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:29,812
There you go, Nancy.

85
00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:31,980
Okay, I'm off on my date.

86
00:04:32,146 --> 00:04:34,942
You can't leave me here alone.
There's a murder car out there.

87
00:04:35,149 --> 00:04:37,276
Relax. No one is after you.

88
00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:39,697
Oh, really?
What about the person who yelled,

89
00:04:39,822 --> 00:04:42,908
"Watch yo back, bitch",
when we were walking home?

90
00:04:45,034 --> 00:04:47,870
That was me, to that Girl Scout.

91
00:04:48,579 --> 00:04:50,540
If you tell someone
you're carrying Thin Mints,

92
00:04:50,749 --> 00:04:53,377
you best be carrying Thin Mints.

93
00:04:54,043 --> 00:04:56,463
Max, you're coming back
tonight, right?

94
00:04:56,588 --> 00:04:59,298
I'm kind of afraid.
I've never been here alone at night.

95
00:04:59,425 --> 00:05:01,884
If you don't want to be alone,
why don't you call Han?

96
00:05:02,011 --> 00:05:04,053
Very funny.

97
00:05:04,430 --> 00:05:06,764
I did. Han's busy.

98
00:05:07,682 --> 00:05:10,644
He's going to a country
square dance on Second Life.

99
00:05:10,769 --> 00:05:14,355
It's an online game, but he says
it's more of a lifestyle.

100
00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:17,692
Don't you have to have a first life
to have a second life?

101
00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:20,446
Max, please stay.
Call Deke and cancel,

102
00:05:20,571 --> 00:05:23,156
or else you might come home
to find me in a pool of blood.

103
00:05:23,281 --> 00:05:25,408
Oh, I always wanted a pool.

104
00:05:25,576 --> 00:05:26,910
(KNOCKING)

105
00:05:27,076 --> 00:05:28,745
Oh, no, it's them, here to kill me.

106
00:05:28,911 --> 00:05:32,206
It couldn't be. I haven't paid them
all the money yet.

107
00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:35,418
(POLISH ACCENT) Oh, hi, girls.

108
00:05:36,627 --> 00:05:39,005
You know, I just came
from the dentist's office.

109
00:05:39,130 --> 00:05:42,259
Did you know that
Michael Jackson died?

110
00:05:43,593 --> 00:05:45,762
Oh, and Farrah Fawcett too?

111
00:05:45,887 --> 00:05:48,766
Oh, no, I've got to sit down.

112
00:05:49,891 --> 00:05:52,935
Well, since you're here, do you want
to stay and have a girls' night?

113
00:05:53,062 --> 00:05:55,105
Oh, that sounds like fun.

114
00:05:55,271 --> 00:05:57,066
It's just me and you.
Max has a date.

115
00:05:57,191 --> 00:05:59,442
And Caroline's afraid to be alone.

116
00:05:59,567 --> 00:06:03,029
Well, if you don't want to be alone,

117
00:06:03,154 --> 00:06:06,824
then why do you act the way you do?

118
00:06:09,495 --> 00:06:11,079
I got to go meet Deke.

119
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:13,081
We are going out to get wasted,

120
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:16,084
hopefully to the point of blowing
chunks on each other's shoes.

121
00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:19,254
But imagine it a little
less romantic than it sounds.

122
00:06:27,012 --> 00:06:30,641
Well, Caroline,
it's just me and you.

123
00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:34,728
-I know. I thought it'd be fun if...
-Well, we tried.

124
00:06:35,394 --> 00:06:36,646
Good night.

125
00:06:38,774 --> 00:06:41,360
Don't go. Dangerous people
are after me.

126
00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:44,237
You know, in Poland,
when the Cossacks came...

127
00:06:44,987 --> 00:06:48,492
...we would boil water and
then throw it in their faces,

128
00:06:48,617 --> 00:06:49,826
and then make soup.

129
00:06:50,536 --> 00:06:52,745
-Anyway, have a good one.
(PHONE RINGING)

130
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:54,288
Wait.

131
00:06:54,956 --> 00:06:56,375
Hello?

132
00:06:56,500 --> 00:06:58,543
Rula? Yes.

133
00:06:58,709 --> 00:07:02,380
No, I have absolutely
nothing to do tonight.

134
00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:07,427
Well, Nancy, looks like
it's just you and me.

135
00:07:07,552 --> 00:07:11,973
Yep, you and me
and this magazine from 2009.

136
00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:17,019
Ah, 2009...
The last year I had anything.

137
00:07:17,855 --> 00:07:20,858
Let's see, Nancy.
What are we going to read here?

138
00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:23,485
"New York City,
more dangerous than ever."

139
00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:25,653
Okay, that's it. We're done.

140
00:07:25,821 --> 00:07:27,488
(HORN HONKING OUTSIDE)

141
00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:31,201
That's just a horn, right?
Or is it a signal?

142
00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:34,704
No offense, Nancy, but we really
need a dog in this situation.

143
00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:41,086
Oh, guess what. We happen
to be in my neighborhood.

144
00:07:41,211 --> 00:07:42,963
Oh, you are smooth.

145
00:07:43,088 --> 00:07:44,882
Also, you aggressively
steered me here

146
00:07:45,048 --> 00:07:47,884
and stopped at a bodega
to buy me condoms.

147
00:07:48,009 --> 00:07:49,636
So you want to come back
to my place, and...

148
00:07:49,761 --> 00:07:52,848
(SINGS) Brown chicken brown cow?

149
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:54,391
Brown chicken what?

150
00:07:54,516 --> 00:07:56,475
You know, "Bowm chicka
bowm bowm," but I made it...

151
00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:59,478
(SINGS) Brown chicken, brown cow

152
00:07:59,605 --> 00:08:01,480
So you thought of that in your head,

153
00:08:01,607 --> 00:08:03,858
and your brain was like,
"That's okay to say?"

154
00:08:03,983 --> 00:08:05,903
No, my brain was like,
"Don't say it,

155
00:08:06,069 --> 00:08:08,197
don't say it, don't say it,
don't say it".

156
00:08:08,322 --> 00:08:11,783
And then it was...
Brown chicken, brown cow

157
00:08:11,908 --> 00:08:14,369
Well, this is me.

158
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:15,579
What do you want me to say,

159
00:08:15,745 --> 00:08:17,581
"Congratulations.
You live in a building?"

160
00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:20,875
No, that would be lame. I don't
live in a building. I live here.

161
00:08:21,293 --> 00:08:24,963
-Where? All I see is a dumpster.
-Yeah, it's my apartment.

162
00:08:25,088 --> 00:08:27,257
I converted it,
and I live inside.

163
00:08:27,423 --> 00:08:28,759
It's totally green.

164
00:08:28,925 --> 00:08:30,177
I mean, it's horrible
for the environment,

165
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:31,595
but it's the color green.

166
00:08:33,054 --> 00:08:35,139
Oh, you're not kidding.

167
00:08:35,264 --> 00:08:38,518
You live in a dumpster?

168
00:08:38,644 --> 00:08:41,897
This is usually the part
where the girl says

169
00:08:41,980 --> 00:08:43,649
she has to be up early tomorrow...

170
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,902
...or call the police.

171
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,028
So do you have to go?

172
00:08:49,153 --> 00:08:50,322
Yeah.

173
00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:54,451
I have to go inside
the freakin' cool dumpster.

174
00:08:54,826 --> 00:08:58,455
And if you think
it's cool now, watch this.

175
00:09:03,961 --> 00:09:06,462
My dumpster's a grower,
not a show-er.

176
00:09:09,508 --> 00:09:12,177
Holy crap.
This is amazing.

177
00:09:12,302 --> 00:09:15,054
You have a sink in here
and a stove.

178
00:09:15,179 --> 00:09:16,181
Is it heated in here,

179
00:09:16,347 --> 00:09:19,100
or did you teach the rats to
shovel coal into the engine?

180
00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:22,312
Yes, but there's also
solar panels on the roof,

181
00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:23,813
and a microwave,

182
00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:26,774
and a bathroom right here.

183
00:09:26,984 --> 00:09:30,696
You have a microwave next
to your toilet? You're a genius!

184
00:09:30,821 --> 00:09:33,615
That's the smartest way
to eat a burrito.

185
00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:35,241
I think of everything.

186
00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:38,703
And if you don't like your neighbors,
you push your house to a new street.

187
00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:41,539
Or you could just kill them
and throw their bodies in here.

188
00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:43,542
Added bonus... no rent.

189
00:09:43,709 --> 00:09:45,085
And the Chinese restaurant next door

190
00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:47,169
always tosses
their garbage on my roof.

191
00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:48,879
Free delivery, yo.

192
00:09:49,755 --> 00:09:51,424
You don't have to tell me.

193
00:09:51,549 --> 00:09:54,802
I read all about this place
in Dumpster Living.

194
00:09:54,885 --> 00:09:56,638
I'll take it.

195
00:09:56,804 --> 00:09:59,099
All right, but it comes
with a very handsome

196
00:09:59,307 --> 00:10:00,725
stuffed animal of a man

197
00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:04,187
with hair that gets him
followed by security at Macy's.

198
00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:06,440
I'm not just saying this
because you live in a dumpster,

199
00:10:06,565 --> 00:10:09,817
but I'll take some brown chicken,
brown cow right now.

200
00:10:13,196 --> 00:10:14,947
(SIGHING)

201
00:10:15,032 --> 00:10:17,701
So what was your first time
having sex in a dumpster like?

202
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:20,537
A lot like the other times
I've had sex in a dumpster.

203
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,956
Next time I'm going to be naked.

204
00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:25,583
Next time
I won't be wearing this hat.

205
00:10:25,917 --> 00:10:27,001
(YAWNING)

206
00:10:27,126 --> 00:10:28,836
I hope you don't mind.

207
00:10:28,961 --> 00:10:31,881
-I sleep like this.
-(YELLING) Get off me.

208
00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:34,759
Oh, so nice to have a live body
under me for a change.

209
00:10:34,926 --> 00:10:37,136
-Stop! You're crushing me!
-Mmm.

210
00:10:44,019 --> 00:10:47,272
-This is really nice.
-Yeah, it is.

211
00:10:48,190 --> 00:10:50,317
I got to go.

212
00:10:50,484 --> 00:10:51,817
You got to go?

213
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:54,613
Yeah, I live all the way
over by the diner.

214
00:10:54,738 --> 00:10:56,990
Plus, I got to
pull these boots on.

215
00:10:57,115 --> 00:11:01,285
And I got a horse and a cat,
possibly a dead roommate, so...

216
00:11:01,370 --> 00:11:03,746
Right. You got to be up early.

217
00:11:03,913 --> 00:11:06,332
Yeah, but not like that.
It's just, like...

218
00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:11,129
Where's the door handle?
Is it the coffee pot?

219
00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:14,216
I can't get out. I'm used to
climbing out of these things.

220
00:11:14,423 --> 00:11:16,717
Ah, it's right here.

221
00:11:17,594 --> 00:11:19,971
Sure you don't want to stay?

222
00:11:20,054 --> 00:11:22,599
Chinese restaurant just delivered.

223
00:11:36,738 --> 00:11:38,907
(HORN HONKING)

224
00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:43,202
There's that horn again. There
is no way this is not about us.

225
00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:46,664
Max, it's me again.

226
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:49,209
Why do you even have a phone
if you're not going to pick it up?

227
00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:51,544
And also, you are a grown lady.

228
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:54,297
Why is your outgoing message a fart?

229
00:11:57,716 --> 00:12:01,471
And I am sure you're in the middle
of having very silly sex,

230
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:03,514
but it is a nightmare around here.

231
00:12:03,597 --> 00:12:05,433
Chestnut, Nancy and I
are all convinced

232
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:08,769
that the murder car is still circling
and about to take us all out.

233
00:12:08,894 --> 00:12:11,148
So self-involved.

234
00:12:12,274 --> 00:12:14,650
This water is taking forever to boil.

235
00:12:14,985 --> 00:12:16,945
The best I could do now
is offer the killers

236
00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:19,114
warm tea before they dismember me.

237
00:12:19,905 --> 00:12:22,200
That'd be funny if you got jokes.

238
00:12:22,366 --> 00:12:23,909
(HORN HONKING)

239
00:12:23,994 --> 00:12:26,620
Okay, guys, here's the plan.

240
00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:32,793
If they come in that door,
we go out this door.

241
00:12:32,878 --> 00:12:35,297
If they come in that door,
Chestnut, you block them,

242
00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:37,215
and, Nancy, you go for their eyes.

243
00:12:38,299 --> 00:12:39,426
(THUDDING)

244
00:12:39,634 --> 00:12:41,677
You know what? Let's just
say our goodbyes now.

245
00:12:41,845 --> 00:12:42,928
Boil, boil, boil.

246
00:12:43,554 --> 00:12:45,682
No time!
(WHIMPERING)

247
00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:50,769
Whoever you are, I have a pot
of pretty hot water!

248
00:12:52,313 --> 00:12:54,441
-Wha... Oh!
(SCREAMING)

249
00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:58,320
What is all this junk?

250
00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:02,282
My legs!
My beautiful legs!

251
00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:07,662
Ow, ow! Ow, ow.
Ow, ow.

252
00:13:08,078 --> 00:13:10,749
I burned my toe cleavage.

253
00:13:11,041 --> 00:13:13,335
And it's the only cleavage I have.

254
00:13:14,001 --> 00:13:17,463
If it helps,
your toes do look bigger.

255
00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:20,133
Thank God I have these flip-flops
I used to wear in your shower

256
00:13:20,299 --> 00:13:21,467
before I gave up.

257
00:13:23,135 --> 00:13:25,971
Yes, hi, I have
a complete emergency.

258
00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:27,389
My legs are burned.

259
00:13:27,515 --> 00:13:29,142
Okay, I hear you.

260
00:13:29,267 --> 00:13:33,020
I'll put you right behind the guy
whose legs just came off.

261
00:13:34,940 --> 00:13:37,650
Thank you.
I appreciate that.

262
00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:40,736
See, I just got burned
with pretty hot water,

263
00:13:40,861 --> 00:13:43,822
and I wear a lot
of peep-toe shoes.

264
00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:47,744
-Insurance provider?
-I'd like to use my Obamacare.

265
00:13:48,036 --> 00:13:51,163
Oh, Obamacare.
Why didn't you say so?

266
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:53,542
Come right in.

267
00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:58,462
What is the problem?
We're all entitled to Obamacare.

268
00:13:58,587 --> 00:14:01,173
That's what that
Rachel Maddow guy said.

269
00:14:01,298 --> 00:14:04,009
I'll need more information than that.

270
00:14:04,134 --> 00:14:05,845
Password, Malia?

271
00:14:07,846 --> 00:14:11,183
You clowns need to figure out
your insurance information

272
00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:14,479
and come back to me in about
two hours when I'm on my sofa,

273
00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:17,731
drinking whiskey
out of a coffee mug.

274
00:14:17,856 --> 00:14:21,193
Max, let's just sit.
They have to take us, by law.

275
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:23,947
I know because I used
to complain about that.

276
00:14:24,489 --> 00:14:28,951
Max, can you take that flu season
pamphlet and fan my feet?

277
00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:31,203
No.

278
00:14:31,370 --> 00:14:34,832
I'm not touching anything in here,
'cause I was never vaccinated.

279
00:14:34,957 --> 00:14:37,001
Or loved.

280
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:38,794
(PHONE RINGING)

281
00:14:38,919 --> 00:14:41,172
-Who is it?
-It's Deke.

282
00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:43,883
You're not going to answer it?

283
00:14:44,049 --> 00:14:47,553
No, right now, I am very
concerned about your legs.

284
00:14:47,803 --> 00:14:50,932
Aw. You're lying.

285
00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:53,475
What happened
between you and Deke?

286
00:14:53,601 --> 00:14:56,020
Why did you even
come home tonight?

287
00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:57,813
Was the sex bad?

288
00:14:57,855 --> 00:14:58,856
(SIGHING)

289
00:14:59,024 --> 00:15:00,482
Did you hit him?

290
00:15:07,615 --> 00:15:10,159
No, the sex was fine.

291
00:15:10,284 --> 00:15:13,913
Actually, it was better than fine.
It was great and I wanted to stay.

292
00:15:14,496 --> 00:15:17,667
-So...?
-So I left immediately.

293
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:21,629
Max, don't take this the wrong way,

294
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:23,380
but it sounds like
you found someone

295
00:15:23,505 --> 00:15:26,509
who finally makes you happy
and you're trying to ruin it.

296
00:15:26,634 --> 00:15:30,846
Oh, that's what this feeling is.
Well, I got to get rid of it.

297
00:15:30,971 --> 00:15:34,558
-Why?
-I wasn't raised to be happy.

298
00:15:34,683 --> 00:15:37,937
I was raised to believe canned meat
is as good as it gets.

299
00:15:42,359 --> 00:15:44,903
Ow, ow. Ow, ow.
Ow, ow!

300
00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:46,988
Earl, I spilled hot water on my feet.

301
00:15:47,154 --> 00:15:50,115
You can't imagine
how much pain I'm in.

302
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:55,538
Well, I kicked heroin in
a 7 Eleven bathroom for three days.

303
00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:58,957
But sorry about
your burnt tootsies, though.

304
00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:01,794
Caroline, sorry
I didn't text you back.

305
00:16:01,919 --> 00:16:06,131
I would've come over last night,
but my Second Life wife had a baby.

306
00:16:06,298 --> 00:16:08,009
I just can't believe you had fake sex

307
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:10,470
nine months ago
and didn't tell anyone.

308
00:16:14,349 --> 00:16:15,265
Excuse me.

309
00:16:15,392 --> 00:16:17,559
I'm looking for a skinny blonde
that works here.

310
00:16:23,274 --> 00:16:25,735
Uh... She died.

311
00:16:28,153 --> 00:16:30,407
-She right over there.
-Ooh, she came back to life!

312
00:16:30,532 --> 00:16:32,325
Hallelujah!

313
00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:36,370
Hey, I got something for you.

314
00:16:36,495 --> 00:16:37,871
(GASPING)
-No!

315
00:16:38,038 --> 00:16:41,167
-It's a mix tape.
-No!

316
00:16:44,461 --> 00:16:48,091
I made it for you. I'm sorry
my brother threw that cupcake at you.

317
00:16:48,216 --> 00:16:50,969
He's gluten-free
and upset about it.

318
00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:53,888
So can I take you out sometime?

319
00:16:54,054 --> 00:16:55,639
(STUTTERING)

320
00:16:56,307 --> 00:16:58,684
Very sweet, and you seem great,

321
00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:02,855
but I'm already in a relationship
with a guy in a red bandana.

322
00:17:10,739 --> 00:17:13,866
No worries.
Just thought I'd ask.

323
00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:19,038
What did you just do?

324
00:17:19,163 --> 00:17:21,958
You never say no to a guy
with tinted windows.

325
00:17:22,083 --> 00:17:24,376
That's rule number two.

326
00:17:24,501 --> 00:17:27,547
Well, his number's on here.
I can always call him back.

327
00:17:27,672 --> 00:17:30,215
Then we can both be in relationships
we don't want to be in.

328
00:17:30,340 --> 00:17:31,925
-Relationship?
-Deke.

329
00:17:32,050 --> 00:17:33,927
You're going to see him
at pastry school tomorrow.

330
00:17:34,052 --> 00:17:35,054
He's going to want to know.

331
00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:38,557
Guys never want to know.
In fact, they are dying not to know.

332
00:17:39,808 --> 00:17:43,896
Max, why'd you leave last night?
I want to know.

333
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:48,567
I mean, you were all like,
"Wham-bam, thank you, man."

334
00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:49,652
And yeah, my brain was like,

335
00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:51,445
"Don't say it, don't say it,
don't say it, don't say it,"

336
00:17:51,613 --> 00:17:52,739
but I said it.

337
00:17:53,655 --> 00:17:55,909
-What's going on?
-Uh...

338
00:17:56,116 --> 00:17:58,827
The sex was bad.

339
00:17:58,952 --> 00:18:01,288
What about the scratches
on my back?

340
00:18:01,413 --> 00:18:02,624
I was trying to get away.

341
00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:05,960
I'll just leave you two alone.

342
00:18:06,044 --> 00:18:07,753
Ow, ow. Ow, ow.

343
00:18:07,961 --> 00:18:09,923
I'll just be over here,
looking at my mix tape.

344
00:18:10,088 --> 00:18:12,759
Oh, track one, "Make It Nasty."

345
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:18,138
You're right, Max.
The sex was bad, really bad.

346
00:18:18,263 --> 00:18:20,849
And it was worse when
we did it the second time.

347
00:18:20,974 --> 00:18:22,769
And that third time
was a disaster.

348
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:26,605
I mean, I only lasted
47 minutes, and you screamed.

349
00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:30,567
Okay, walking away has to be
less painful than hearing this.

350
00:18:30,609 --> 00:18:31,653
Ow, ow.

351
00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:34,029
No, stay, Caroline.
We'll go outside.

352
00:18:34,239 --> 00:18:37,075
Max, come with me for a second.
I want to show you something.

353
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,243
Just whip it out here.

354
00:18:40,662 --> 00:18:43,498
You wouldn't be the first guy
to do that tonight.

355
00:18:43,705 --> 00:18:45,959
Nor will he be the last.

356
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:53,340
Okay, what do you
want to show me?

357
00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:56,927
Is that your dumpster?

358
00:18:57,052 --> 00:18:59,430
Look, you said you couldn't stay over
because you lived all the way

359
00:18:59,556 --> 00:19:01,473
over by the diner,
so I moved it here

360
00:19:01,598 --> 00:19:04,352
to figure out what
your next excuse would be.

361
00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:08,856
Um...

362
00:19:09,065 --> 00:19:10,650
I'm racist.

363
00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:17,781
Yeah, me too.
White girls are a hassle.

364
00:19:17,906 --> 00:19:18,700
What else?

365
00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:20,660
You have a bird on your shirt.

366
00:19:22,494 --> 00:19:24,247
You love it.

367
00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:26,499
I do.

368
00:19:27,750 --> 00:19:29,376
What else?

369
00:19:30,961 --> 00:19:33,589
-I got nothin'.
-Good.

370
00:19:33,714 --> 00:19:36,925
So what do you say you stop
being such a stupid face,

371
00:19:37,050 --> 00:19:40,096
and get your sweet dumper
into my dumpster right now,

372
00:19:40,221 --> 00:19:44,726
where a brown chicken and a brown
cow are waiting patiently for you.

373
00:19:46,477 --> 00:19:47,519
Look.

374
00:19:47,644 --> 00:19:48,770
If you want me in that dumpster,

375
00:19:48,896 --> 00:19:50,690
you'll have to get me there
the traditional way.

376
00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:54,777
Duct tape my wrists, throw a bag
over my head, and toss me in.

377
00:19:58,364 --> 00:20:01,451
-Awful, huh?
-So bad.

378
00:20:01,576 --> 00:20:03,368
Want to do it again later,
and then sleep over tonight,

379
00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,203
and then do it again?

380
00:20:05,329 --> 00:20:06,497
Sure.

381
00:20:06,623 --> 00:20:08,583
Are we ever going to do it naked?

382
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:12,211
Yeah, when you move into a place big
enough for me to take my pants off.

383
00:20:13,046 --> 00:20:16,214
Look, I got to warn you.
I don't know how to be happy.

384
00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:18,718
Then why do you have
that big smile on your face?

385
00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:20,510
I'm faking it.

386
00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:24,932
Why is it shaking?
Are we still having sex?

387
00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:32,815
Thank you, sir.
Enjoy your cupcake.

388
00:20:32,941 --> 00:20:34,858
(ENGINE STARTING)

389
00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:39,113
Hey!

390
00:20:39,404 --> 00:20:40,656
Max?

391
00:20:40,781 --> 00:20:43,576
Don't tow us.
This is Deke's house.

392
00:20:43,742 --> 00:20:46,037
He lives in a dumpster?

393
00:20:46,162 --> 00:20:47,913
Yeah, but on purpose.

394
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,249
But you're coming
home tonight, right?

395
00:20:50,625 --> 00:20:53,251
Max, Max!

396
00:20:53,377 --> 00:20:55,212
Han?

397
00:20:55,587 --> 00:20:58,090
Han, what are you doing tonight?

398
00:21:00,050 --> 00:21:01,760
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

399
00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:27,119
(English US - SDH)