1
00:00:01,627 --> 00:00:05,506
Welcome to the diner
ATM ribbon-cutting ceremony.

2
00:00:05,589 --> 00:00:07,633
(HUMS DRUMROLL)

3
00:00:09,051 --> 00:00:11,470
Everyone knows he's holding
normal-size scissors, right?

4
00:00:13,054 --> 00:00:16,391
Han's just excited there's something
in the diner the same size as him.

5
00:00:18,102 --> 00:00:19,769
Uh, this is just
another waste of time.

6
00:00:19,937 --> 00:00:21,731
Like when you opened the diner.

7
00:00:23,274 --> 00:00:26,277
This machine
is now open for business!

8
00:00:29,989 --> 00:00:31,114
After you're done with those,

9
00:00:31,282 --> 00:00:34,618
I need to do a little man-scaping
on my love mound.

10
00:00:35,828 --> 00:00:39,164
And after you're done with that,
you can throw them away.

11
00:00:39,331 --> 00:00:41,167
(POLISH ACCENT) Hey, everybody!

12
00:00:44,170 --> 00:00:45,420
What's that yellow tape?

13
00:00:45,588 --> 00:00:47,381
Did someone die again?

14
00:00:48,256 --> 00:00:50,091
No, Sophie, we got an ATM.

15
00:00:50,259 --> 00:00:53,970
I thought we already had an ATM:
"Asian Transgender Male."

16
00:00:55,890 --> 00:00:58,225
Well, thank you for saying "male."

17
00:00:58,975 --> 00:01:02,146
Well, move outta the way!
This broad's gotta do some bankin'!

18
00:01:03,271 --> 00:01:04,981
Be careful. You're the very first.

19
00:01:05,149 --> 00:01:08,652
We know how long you've been waiting
to say that to a woman.

20
00:01:09,944 --> 00:01:11,739
(THEME MUSIC)

21
00:01:11,906 --> 00:01:13,490
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

22
00:01:23,209 --> 00:01:26,754
Okay. No sign of Deke, the cops
or nosy white folk. Let's break in.

23
00:01:27,837 --> 00:01:31,049
I don't understand why we're breaking
into your boyfriend's dumpster.

24
00:01:31,216 --> 00:01:34,427
The only thing I understand less
is how you pee standing up.

25
00:01:35,888 --> 00:01:37,765
Why? How do you pee?

26
00:01:37,932 --> 00:01:40,475
Look, I am breaking up with Deke,
so now's the part of the relationship

27
00:01:40,643 --> 00:01:42,186
where I sneak in his place
and get my stuff out

28
00:01:42,269 --> 00:01:44,646
to avoid telling him
I'm breaking up with him.

29
00:01:44,813 --> 00:01:48,400
Well, you just cut an hour
out of every romantic comedy.

30
00:01:48,567 --> 00:01:50,402
You're welcome.

31
00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:57,075
This is the first guy I dated
that has a crank.

32
00:01:57,242 --> 00:01:58,743
Most of them just did crank.

33
00:02:00,162 --> 00:02:01,704
Okay, so here's the plan.

34
00:02:01,871 --> 00:02:03,331
Climb up on the garbage,

35
00:02:03,498 --> 00:02:05,167
unsnap the windows,
dive in the dumpster

36
00:02:05,334 --> 00:02:06,835
and grab the spare key
on the counter.

37
00:02:07,001 --> 00:02:10,381
Do you look at life as just a game
of "set new lows for Caroline"?

38
00:02:10,548 --> 00:02:11,799
Why do I have to do it?

39
00:02:11,966 --> 00:02:14,092
I'm on parole, Caroline.

40
00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:18,097
We're breaking into a dumpster.
I don't even think that's illegal.

41
00:02:18,264 --> 00:02:20,765
I didn't either.
That's why I'm on parole.

42
00:02:27,063 --> 00:02:28,731
Light on the right. Key on the left.

43
00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:34,112
We did this once after Deke
left his keys at our favorite bar,

44
00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:36,740
which is actually just a liquor
store where they let you drink.

45
00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:39,492
They turn a blind eye.
Well, the guy is blind.

46
00:02:42,204 --> 00:02:44,581
Yeah, Deke always found cool places.

47
00:02:45,623 --> 00:02:48,627
Then why are you breaking up
with him? He's perfect for you.

48
00:02:48,793 --> 00:02:52,463
You both think living in a tuna can
is an acceptable habitat.

49
00:02:52,631 --> 00:02:54,091
So what if he has money?

50
00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:57,302
People with money
don't live in the same reality.

51
00:02:57,468 --> 00:02:59,805
You think Donald Trump
would have that hair if he were poor?

52
00:03:00,472 --> 00:03:02,098
Now, come on.
Let's get my toothbrush and scram.

53
00:03:02,765 --> 00:03:06,228
You bought a toothbrush?
Oh, you really liked him.

54
00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:09,564
Wait, Max,
is that one of your gnomes?

55
00:03:10,356 --> 00:03:12,318
Oh, my God,
you were practically moving in!

56
00:03:13,110 --> 00:03:16,112
And it's your favorite one,
Gnome-o-sexual!

57
00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:21,618
No, this is my second-favorite.
My favorite is Gnome More Drama.

58
00:03:21,784 --> 00:03:24,747
And he's not here because
he don't want no more drama

59
00:03:24,913 --> 00:03:26,289
and, frankly, neither do I.

60
00:03:28,626 --> 00:03:29,919
Come on. Let's go.

61
00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:32,795
You don't have to ask me twice
to get out of a dumpster.

62
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:39,302
DEKE: Well, well!
If it isn't Max-a-million!

63
00:03:39,469 --> 00:03:42,680
Or should I say,
"Max who hates my millions"?

64
00:03:42,848 --> 00:03:44,933
Shouldn't you be occupying
Wall Street or something?

65
00:03:45,558 --> 00:03:47,061
I am just here for my toothbrush

66
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,396
and then I'll leave you
in your ivory dumpster

67
00:03:49,562 --> 00:03:52,149
to sit around and fart diamonds.

68
00:03:52,316 --> 00:03:54,442
So don't get the wrong idea,
Uncle Pennybags.

69
00:03:54,610 --> 00:03:56,402
I'm not here to be Aunt Pennybags.

70
00:03:56,569 --> 00:03:58,697
Max, who's Uncle Pennybags?

71
00:03:58,864 --> 00:04:00,741
Is he one of the ones
who touched you?

72
00:04:02,116 --> 00:04:04,161
(BOTH):
He's the Monopoly Man.

73
00:04:04,787 --> 00:04:06,663
See?
You guys are perfect for each other.

74
00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:10,960
Yeah, Max. We're like a more
awesome version of John and Yoko.

75
00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:13,461
Meaning, like, just John.

76
00:04:13,628 --> 00:04:15,756
Who cares
if I got a few million dollars?

77
00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:19,718
A hundred few million. And that's
on the low end, according to Bing.

78
00:04:21,011 --> 00:04:22,762
Well, I'll be by later, Deke.

79
00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:24,180
Come on, Caroline.

80
00:04:24,348 --> 00:04:26,350
No, Max, you won't.

81
00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:28,519
You're taking your stuff
'cause you're breaking up with me

82
00:04:28,685 --> 00:04:32,021
and you're too big a baby pants to
tell me you're breaking up with me.

83
00:04:32,855 --> 00:04:36,985
What?
I am not breaking up with you.

84
00:04:37,151 --> 00:04:40,572
I just needed my toothbrush
because I had dollar shrimp for lunch

85
00:04:40,738 --> 00:04:42,115
and I still have some shells
in my teeth.

86
00:04:43,574 --> 00:04:47,495
I will see you later tonight for sex
and various whatnots.

87
00:04:47,663 --> 00:04:49,872
I am not breaking up with you.

88
00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:52,750
That break-up was brutal!

89
00:04:58,716 --> 00:05:02,386
Yo, Max, I hear our boy Deke
got major money.

90
00:05:02,886 --> 00:05:07,057
I should've known 'cause the weed
he gave me was real quality.

91
00:05:09,184 --> 00:05:10,935
And free.

92
00:05:11,437 --> 00:05:13,646
Earl, money changes people.
I know.

93
00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:17,067
Every time the food stamps came,
my mother was all, "Max who?"

94
00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:21,947
(ENGLISH ACCENT)
'Ello, my good people!

95
00:05:24,074 --> 00:05:25,951
You are quite fortunate today,

96
00:05:26,117 --> 00:05:30,122
for a rich person has come
to dine in your establishment!

97
00:05:32,290 --> 00:05:35,334
Caroline, I would like a tabletop
in Max's section, please,

98
00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:37,545
because it's high time
she met the person

99
00:05:37,713 --> 00:05:39,757
I've been pretending not to be.

100
00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:42,468
The veil has been lifted.
She was correct.

101
00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:45,303
I am the Monopoly Man.

102
00:05:47,139 --> 00:05:48,307
Right this way, sir.

103
00:05:48,473 --> 00:05:51,310
I believe I have a table here
in the overacting section.

104
00:05:53,228 --> 00:05:55,355
All right, I'll give it up.
You got me laughing.

105
00:05:58,733 --> 00:06:01,069
And I would miss all this
if we didn't hang out,

106
00:06:01,235 --> 00:06:04,447
so I guess we can still be friends
and pastry school partners.

107
00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:09,286
Pastry school partners?
Your breasts are named in my will.

108
00:06:12,538 --> 00:06:14,665
Come on,
you can't be serious about this.

109
00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:17,711
Don't worry. We can still do all the
stuff we had planned for our future.

110
00:06:17,877 --> 00:06:21,298
Like TPing Han's apartment
on the 14th. I'm not a monster.

111
00:06:22,298 --> 00:06:24,009
-Max--
-Deke, you can't be my boyfriend.

112
00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:27,678
From now on I'm like welfare.
You have to be broke to get some.

113
00:06:33,726 --> 00:06:37,271
Max, I really wish you'd reconsider
breaking up with Deke.

114
00:06:37,439 --> 00:06:39,524
I mean, you guys get along great.

115
00:06:39,691 --> 00:06:44,529
He lives in a trash can.
He shares your love of pee-pee jokes.

116
00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:47,990
He can hide things in his hair.

117
00:06:48,658 --> 00:06:50,244
Aren't those the things
you didn't like about him

118
00:06:50,409 --> 00:06:51,536
before you knew he had money?

119
00:06:51,702 --> 00:06:55,874
Yes, but people can change.
So change and like him.

120
00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:59,711
Come on. Just keep an open mind.
In fact, why don't you sleep on it?

121
00:06:59,877 --> 00:07:02,839
Right now.
Go. Go to bed. Go, go, go, go, go.

122
00:07:03,714 --> 00:07:06,009
Boy, are you eager to masturbate!

123
00:07:12,266 --> 00:07:13,684
Hey, friend!

124
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:16,853
Come on. Get in.

125
00:07:17,019 --> 00:07:20,189
-I told you I can't see that anymore.
-Why?

126
00:07:20,356 --> 00:07:24,235
You're my friend, he's my friend.
We're all just friends.

127
00:07:24,903 --> 00:07:25,946
Where did you get a key?

128
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:27,613
Don't be mad.
I asked her for help.

129
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,408
Caroline, get in here!

130
00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:31,410
CAROLINE:
Can't. I'm masturbating!

131
00:07:34,370 --> 00:07:37,081
Caroline, what are you doing?

132
00:07:37,249 --> 00:07:38,584
Are those new shoes?

133
00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:41,002
Uh, yes.

134
00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:42,838
Where did they come from?

135
00:07:43,422 --> 00:07:45,132
They were just here.

136
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:47,384
In your size?

137
00:07:47,550 --> 00:07:49,468
It's a miracle.

138
00:07:51,637 --> 00:07:53,723
They're from me.
I got 'em for her as a gift.

139
00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:57,810
What makes you think
you could buy my roommate?

140
00:07:57,978 --> 00:08:01,273
She said, "I'll give you the key
if you buy me new shoes."

141
00:08:02,733 --> 00:08:04,442
For love!

142
00:08:04,610 --> 00:08:07,821
I did it for love!

143
00:08:07,987 --> 00:08:09,322
You two belong together.

144
00:08:09,488 --> 00:08:10,865
Like me and these shoes.

145
00:08:11,490 --> 00:08:15,036
Come on. Just give me a chance to
express my deep feelings about this.

146
00:08:15,620 --> 00:08:17,456
Max, what I'm trying to say is....

147
00:08:17,706 --> 00:08:19,081
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

148
00:08:20,959 --> 00:08:23,879
I don't wanna be your friend.
I wanna be your boyfriend.

149
00:08:24,045 --> 00:08:26,298
Well, right now it looks like
you wanna be my girlfriend.

150
00:08:28,425 --> 00:08:29,884
Maybe I can help clear things up.

151
00:08:30,052 --> 00:08:31,802
How much is this gonna cost me?

152
00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:33,471
Nothing. Look...

153
00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:36,099
Max doesn't think
she deserves someone rich

154
00:08:36,225 --> 00:08:39,101
because she has,
well, low self-esteem.

155
00:08:39,269 --> 00:08:42,480
Wrong. I have no self-esteem.

156
00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:46,442
And I can see the bottom
of your balls.

157
00:08:49,488 --> 00:08:53,241
Max, remember two days ago when
you loved the bottom of my balls?

158
00:08:54,533 --> 00:08:57,287
That's when they were poor
and I felt sorry for them.

159
00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:01,332
Come on!
You two belong together.

160
00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:04,669
You're like the Romeo and Juliet
of ball banter.

161
00:09:04,836 --> 00:09:06,337
I'm sorry.
It's just never gonna work.

162
00:09:06,504 --> 00:09:09,173
It's like we were raised
with different religions, like....

163
00:09:09,341 --> 00:09:11,467
What are two religions?

164
00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:14,638
Are you taking suggestions
from the audience

165
00:09:14,804 --> 00:09:17,474
or do you really not know
the names of two religions?

166
00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:21,979
Let's say a witch and a smurf.

167
00:09:23,605 --> 00:09:25,440
Question answered.

168
00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:28,652
So it's like I'm a witch
and you're a smurf.

169
00:09:28,818 --> 00:09:30,946
We could never be together.
Everybody knows that.

170
00:09:31,113 --> 00:09:33,365
I've only lived like a witch.
I've never lived like a smurf.

171
00:09:33,532 --> 00:09:35,866
So I don't get you.
What's it like being blue and soft?

172
00:09:36,033 --> 00:09:38,327
I don't know, I'm a witch.
I'm green and all-powerful.

173
00:09:39,705 --> 00:09:42,874
So you're saying you can't relate to
me because you've never been a smurf?

174
00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:47,336
Wow. That's heavy.
Well, I'm gonna go.

175
00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:50,881
Oh, I better take off this silly robe
and put on my skirt.

176
00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:55,011
And she's giving back the shoes.

177
00:09:55,177 --> 00:09:58,222
Oh, no, she is not!

178
00:10:06,731 --> 00:10:10,152
"Language preference:
English, Spanish, Chinese, French."

179
00:10:10,318 --> 00:10:12,153
They should've made this
more specific to the diner.

180
00:10:12,321 --> 00:10:14,697
"Hipster, hobo, junkie,
pregnant teen."

181
00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:17,743
Don't forget
"ballerina with a head wound."

182
00:10:19,201 --> 00:10:21,370
"Would you like
to see your account balance?"

183
00:10:21,538 --> 00:10:23,623
That ATM's a real bitch.

184
00:10:25,082 --> 00:10:27,793
Yeah, I got a hot 17 in here
that's dying to get out.

185
00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:30,672
So did Oleg
when that cop pulled him over.

186
00:10:32,631 --> 00:10:35,052
Caroline, look at this receipt.
This can't be right.

187
00:10:35,217 --> 00:10:36,595
I haven't seen
this many zeros in one place

188
00:10:36,761 --> 00:10:38,513
since the diner Christmas party.

189
00:10:39,096 --> 00:10:41,432
That says 1,000,017 dollars.

190
00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:45,729
Han, your ATM's broken.
It just gave Max a million dollars.

191
00:10:45,895 --> 00:10:48,273
Out of my way!
Out of my way! Out of my way!

192
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:55,113
This is it! The faulty ATM
that gives out millions.

193
00:10:55,279 --> 00:10:58,491
I thought it was
an urban legend like HPV.

194
00:11:00,369 --> 00:11:03,830
Everybody, freeze.
The damn thing must be busted.

195
00:11:04,038 --> 00:11:06,875
And to think I bent over backwards
to get that ATM.

196
00:11:07,042 --> 00:11:09,878
Well, I bent over forwards
to get a "B" in Spanish.

197
00:11:12,004 --> 00:11:15,591
Damn it. My account's
exactly the same. Frozen.

198
00:11:17,302 --> 00:11:19,971
So, Deke
left this note for you earlier.

199
00:11:20,138 --> 00:11:21,972
I forgot 'cause I'm 120.

200
00:11:25,394 --> 00:11:29,063
"Now you know what it's like
to be a ."

201
00:11:29,230 --> 00:11:33,025
Can you believe this?
Deke gave me a million dollars!

202
00:11:39,157 --> 00:11:41,201
So that's real money?

203
00:11:43,495 --> 00:11:45,538
The money's real?

204
00:11:47,289 --> 00:11:49,835
You have a million dollars?

205
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:52,169
We're a millionaire?

206
00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:56,799
(ELEVATOR DINGS)

207
00:11:58,552 --> 00:12:00,470
Oh, good morning, my good man.

208
00:12:00,636 --> 00:12:04,890
I recently came into some money,
thus the candy tiara.

209
00:12:05,057 --> 00:12:07,936
And I wanted to spread the wealth.
Here.

210
00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:10,230
Have a pound of coffee.

211
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,899
It's Folgers
since I'm a millionaire now.

212
00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:16,318
Best part of waking up rich!

213
00:12:18,529 --> 00:12:21,740
I come bearing gifts
for all my best friends.

214
00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:24,411
Here, guy who stands behind me.

215
00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:28,581
A 12-pack
of triple-A batteries for you.

216
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:31,585
And yes, they did have
to open the glass case at CVS

217
00:12:31,750 --> 00:12:32,961
for me to get these.

218
00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:36,798
Here, lady on the other side.

219
00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:40,259
A shampoo and conditioner!

220
00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:43,096
Herbal Essences.
No big deal.

221
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:47,017
And don't think I forgot about you,
peek-a-boo hair.

222
00:12:48,851 --> 00:12:51,605
A Godiva box of chocolates.

223
00:12:51,770 --> 00:12:54,607
No, you're not dreaming.
I said "Godiva!"

224
00:12:56,650 --> 00:12:58,153
Max, I have great news.

225
00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:01,490
And you,
woman who sold me out for shoes.

226
00:13:01,655 --> 00:13:04,493
I got you something very special
when I was out gift shopping.

227
00:13:04,658 --> 00:13:05,951
You know how you always say,

228
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:08,663
"Who do I have to bang
to get a chip clip around here?"

229
00:13:08,830 --> 00:13:10,456
Me!

230
00:13:11,832 --> 00:13:13,210
Wait, you spent money?

231
00:13:13,375 --> 00:13:14,668
How much of our million did you spend

232
00:13:14,836 --> 00:13:17,713
on your...
We'll call it a shopping spree.

233
00:13:18,255 --> 00:13:21,967
Almost all of it.
One-hundred-and-forty-three dollars!

234
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:26,472
Okay, our public schools
have failed you.

235
00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:28,432
Or they would have if you'd went.

236
00:13:29,643 --> 00:13:30,894
But I'm too excited to care!

237
00:13:31,061 --> 00:13:33,355
First things first,
when do we quit the diner?

238
00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:35,273
What are you talking about?
We're not quitting the diner.

239
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:36,816
I'm giving
the rest of the money back.

240
00:13:36,982 --> 00:13:39,110
Hold on, hold on!
Pump the brakes!

241
00:13:39,818 --> 00:13:42,530
What's the problem?
You got a chip clip. You're set.

242
00:13:42,697 --> 00:13:44,573
I only spent it
to make a point to Deke.

243
00:13:44,740 --> 00:13:48,077
You can't give it back.
I have plans. Big plans.

244
00:13:48,245 --> 00:13:49,245
After we quit the diner,

245
00:13:49,412 --> 00:13:52,331
I found a guy who can turn
that measly million into three.

246
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:55,376
And don't worry, he was not named
in my father's Ponzi scheme.

247
00:13:55,543 --> 00:13:57,504
Well, not by the name he goes by now.

248
00:13:59,129 --> 00:14:00,881
What up, Smurfette?

249
00:14:01,048 --> 00:14:02,801
Oh, hello, Deke.

250
00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:05,761
You just missed me passing out all
the gifts I bought with your million,

251
00:14:05,928 --> 00:14:08,847
but you're here in time to see me
buy Big Mary as my lab partner.

252
00:14:09,014 --> 00:14:11,393
Who says I'm for sale?

253
00:14:12,644 --> 00:14:14,062
A fireman's calendar.

254
00:14:15,730 --> 00:14:18,524
And another fireman's calendar.

255
00:14:19,234 --> 00:14:20,360
Sold.

256
00:14:23,613 --> 00:14:26,032
I bet you didn't think
I'd spend that money, hmm?

257
00:14:26,198 --> 00:14:31,495
Well, you were wrong
I spent $143!

258
00:14:31,996 --> 00:14:33,706
Max, I wanted you to spend the money,

259
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,250
so you know
what it's like to be rich.

260
00:14:35,417 --> 00:14:38,086
Now we're both smurfs.
You can relate to me again.

261
00:14:38,253 --> 00:14:42,465
Wanna go do hand stuff by the ovens
like we did last Tuesday?

262
00:14:44,174 --> 00:14:46,885
Oh, so you were just trying to buy me
with the money?

263
00:14:47,052 --> 00:14:51,224
Well, I'm not a high-priced call girl
'cause Super Bowl weekend's over.

264
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:54,394
Here. I'm giving you
the rest of the money back.

265
00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:58,315
Okay, obviously,
she is not mentally competent enough

266
00:14:58,480 --> 00:14:59,732
to handle her finances.

267
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,109
This is like when my grandma

268
00:15:01,275 --> 00:15:02,818
wanted to give all her money
to that orphanage,

269
00:15:02,985 --> 00:15:05,113
so they had her diagnosed
with Alzheimer's.

270
00:15:05,989 --> 00:15:07,490
Here.

271
00:15:07,657 --> 00:15:11,244
I can't believe I'm losing all
of my money twice in one lifetime.

272
00:15:11,910 --> 00:15:13,913
(RESTRAINED) Who has an inhaler?

273
00:15:16,166 --> 00:15:18,418
And check it.
I even put your name on there.

274
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:22,379
"Deke Mc-Richy
Mc-Never-Had-To-Work-For-Anything"?

275
00:15:22,547 --> 00:15:24,173
Oh, sorry,
I probably should've added,

276
00:15:24,381 --> 00:15:26,884
"Richy
Rich-Pretended-He-Was-Poor-Instein,"

277
00:15:27,052 --> 00:15:28,302
so they'd know it's you.

278
00:15:28,470 --> 00:15:29,763
Here, I'll fix it.

279
00:15:31,472 --> 00:15:33,975
Oh, yes. I treat myself well.

280
00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:37,102
You know what, Max?
Stop.

281
00:15:37,269 --> 00:15:39,898
I've tried everything to show you
I'm not some cartoon rich guy

282
00:15:40,065 --> 00:15:41,524
and you still think I'm a joke.

283
00:15:41,691 --> 00:15:43,567
You only see me as my money,
but I'm not.

284
00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:47,447
That's how much money means to me.
But you were right.

285
00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:49,407
It's not gonna work with us.

286
00:15:57,581 --> 00:16:00,835
Max! Oh, I got your gift.

287
00:16:01,001 --> 00:16:03,712
I love my new vibrator.

288
00:16:06,883 --> 00:16:10,177
It's not a vibrator, Sophie.
It's a Dustbuster.

289
00:16:11,428 --> 00:16:15,600
Oh.
Well, there's no dust there anymore.

290
00:16:17,184 --> 00:16:19,019
I'll be in my booth.

291
00:16:20,020 --> 00:16:21,730
Waitress? Waitress!

292
00:16:21,898 --> 00:16:24,192
"Waitress"?
Who's she talking to?

293
00:16:26,485 --> 00:16:28,613
Miss, this salmon
tastes like chicken.

294
00:16:28,779 --> 00:16:30,948
That's weird 'cause it's pork.

295
00:16:31,533 --> 00:16:33,826
I don't need attitude
from some waitress.

296
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:37,455
Who is this waitress
you keep referring to?

297
00:16:38,123 --> 00:16:40,457
Look, your job is to take my order,

298
00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:42,793
put a smile on your face
and serve me.

299
00:16:43,878 --> 00:16:46,255
Oh, hell, no!

300
00:16:48,591 --> 00:16:50,051
I don't have to take this.

301
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,261
Let me show you something, doll.

302
00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:56,850
This is my receipt
from the last time I used the ATM.

303
00:16:57,015 --> 00:16:59,101
You see where it says "account
balance" at the bottom there?

304
00:16:59,269 --> 00:17:00,687
Read that number to me, please.

305
00:17:01,187 --> 00:17:04,315
If you have a million dollars,
why would you be working here?

306
00:17:05,150 --> 00:17:06,317
Good question.

307
00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:13,741
Hey. You seem cranky.
You wanna use my Dustbuster?

308
00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:21,039
That woman just asked me
if I have a million dollars,

309
00:17:21,082 --> 00:17:22,250
why am I working here?

310
00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:23,835
That's what I've been saying.

311
00:17:24,294 --> 00:17:26,003
I mean, I have a million dollars.

312
00:17:26,171 --> 00:17:27,797
That's what I've been saying!

313
00:17:28,464 --> 00:17:29,840
I don't need to be in this dump!

314
00:17:30,008 --> 00:17:31,259
Again, that's what I've--

315
00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:34,386
You've been saying! I know!
I'm an idiot! I'm keeping that money!

316
00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:35,888
That's what I've been saying!

317
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:37,640
-Max, Caroline--
-No.

318
00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:39,558
But you don't even know
what I was about to say.

319
00:17:39,642 --> 00:17:42,186
Whatever it is, no.
We have a million dollars.

320
00:17:42,353 --> 00:17:43,896
Yeah, we have a million dollars.

321
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:46,607
Yeah, we have a million dollars
and I quit!

322
00:17:46,775 --> 00:17:48,567
And I quit too, baby!

323
00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:50,903
I have hated this hellhole
from day one.

324
00:17:51,069 --> 00:17:53,405
Sayonara, short stuff!

325
00:17:55,616 --> 00:17:58,952
I don't know what's more offensive.
"sayonara" or "short stuff"!

326
00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:01,748
I would go with "sayonara,"
short stuff.

327
00:18:05,375 --> 00:18:06,795
Wow.

328
00:18:08,587 --> 00:18:11,799
That got off quicker than
a 12-year-old looking at Megan Fox.

329
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:15,053
Quick? I've been trying to get out
of this thing for three years.

330
00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:17,888
This zipper is stuck!
This is like a horror movie!

331
00:18:18,056 --> 00:18:20,016
Help me!
Get this damn thing off me!

332
00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:22,101
Tear it off, cut it off,
light it on fire!

333
00:18:22,268 --> 00:18:24,269
Well, watch my hair.
Oh, who cares? I'll buy new hair!

334
00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:27,190
Damn it! I'll just go over.

335
00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:30,734
Yes! We're out of here.
No more diner, no more cupcakes.

336
00:18:30,902 --> 00:18:34,948
Wait, wait. No more cupcakes?
What are you talking about?

337
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:36,825
With all this money,
we can grow our business.

338
00:18:36,990 --> 00:18:42,329
Oh, I'm not growing anything except a
big-ass weed plant on my nightstand.

339
00:18:43,330 --> 00:18:44,457
But it's our dream.

340
00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:47,626
I don't need a dream.
Dreams are for poor people!

341
00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:48,961
I have a million dollars.

342
00:18:49,127 --> 00:18:52,632
I'm not going to pastry school.
I might not even go to the bathroom.

343
00:18:52,798 --> 00:18:54,884
And I am definitely
not getting out of bed.

344
00:18:55,050 --> 00:18:57,302
I will never do anything again!

345
00:18:59,721 --> 00:19:01,974
Oh, my God,
I'll never do anything again.

346
00:19:02,724 --> 00:19:03,768
We're not quitting.

347
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:08,314
I knew it!

348
00:19:08,940 --> 00:19:11,401
Between you and this zipper,
I'll never get out of here.

349
00:19:12,277 --> 00:19:14,903
I can't. You heard what
I'd be like with a million dollars.

350
00:19:15,070 --> 00:19:16,405
I'd be dead at 30.

351
00:19:17,155 --> 00:19:19,284
But isn't that
what you've always wanted?

352
00:19:24,663 --> 00:19:26,499
Hey, Uncle Pennybags, you home?

353
00:19:26,665 --> 00:19:28,625
I mean, you dumpster?

354
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,505
Hey can I come in?
Or did you already move on?

355
00:19:32,547 --> 00:19:33,798
'Cause I'd get it if you did.

356
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:37,468
Nah, come in. Just sittin' in here
fartin' diamonds.

357
00:19:39,511 --> 00:19:42,598
Look, I think I owe you an apology.

358
00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:44,893
You know how I called you
a lazy Mc-Richy Rich

359
00:19:45,058 --> 00:19:47,729
who never had to work for anything
and lives in an ivory dumpster?

360
00:19:48,645 --> 00:19:50,440
Is this part of the apology

361
00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:53,317
or just the recap of mean things
you've said to me?

362
00:19:53,942 --> 00:19:55,819
Just listen.

363
00:19:55,987 --> 00:19:58,323
Well, I was right. You never did
have to work for anything.

364
00:19:58,489 --> 00:20:01,576
Okay, I'm starting to think
you don't know what an apology is.

365
00:20:02,618 --> 00:20:05,872
But even though you never had
to work for anything, you do.

366
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:08,290
You actually get up,
you go to pastry school,

367
00:20:08,458 --> 00:20:10,792
and you build dumpsters.
You do lots of stuff.

368
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,795
And you're not even familiar
with my charity.

369
00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:14,838
Orgasms for old people.

370
00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:17,884
I hope you're not joking.

371
00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:21,095
Look, the truth is...
I couldn't see past your money.

372
00:20:21,261 --> 00:20:22,763
All I saw was smurf.

373
00:20:23,597 --> 00:20:26,433
And I thought witches and smurfs
couldn't be together,

374
00:20:26,601 --> 00:20:28,478
but I was wrong.

375
00:20:29,686 --> 00:20:31,439
Yeah, you were.

376
00:20:32,690 --> 00:20:34,358
Max, did you get back the check yet?

377
00:20:34,525 --> 00:20:36,611
Because I just found
a different investment guy.

378
00:20:36,778 --> 00:20:40,448
A legit one in Germany.
His name is Herr Schluffen.

379
00:20:41,074 --> 00:20:43,742
Well, I'm sorry.
I'm giving it back right now.

380
00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:46,328
Herr Schluffen can schluff off.

381
00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:49,082
Wait, Max.
Can I hold the million?

382
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:52,292
For just one more second,
I wanna be upper-middle class.

383
00:20:54,545 --> 00:20:56,588
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

384
00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:58,340
MAX:
Caroline, give it back!

385
00:21:24,701 --> 00:21:26,702
(English US - SDH)