Hi! Today's special is clam chowder.
And today's advice is don't eat it.
Do you have Eggs Benedict Cumberbatch?
(ALL CHUCKLING)
You are really killing it tonight, Mary, and leaving no evidence!
We're coming from Sherlock-Con.
It's like Comic-Con, but for Sherlock Holmes fans.
So it's way cooler.
Excuse me for a sec.
There's another waitress here who is gonna be a big fan of all of this.
You're welcome for what I'm about to show you.
Look! Guess what they are.
Time-traveling lesbians.
-We're not lesbians. -I am.
What is this? What just let out?
A sale at the Burlington coat factory?
They're Sherlock Holmes super-fans coming from a convention,
which means there are a lot of cats home alone right now.
Well, I'd say the only mystery is who here gets laid the least.
Hello!
Cracked it, Watson!
(THEME MUSIC)
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
One of those Sherlock ladies left her carpal tunnel brace in here.
No address, but there's a card that says,
"In case of emergency, dial 1-800-chocolate."
And I'll take that.
Okay, everybody. It's that time again.
The diner's big spring clean!
Oh, my God, has it been six years already?
Too bad I just developed carpal tunnel.
Max, do you think you can fake a stroke?
Fake a stroke, fake an orgasm.
Basically anything that will get me out of work.
Okay, we have lots of chores to do and somebody will have to double up,
because Earl asked me not to speak to him for the rest of the night.
Didn't I tell you to keep my name out your mouth?
So, girls, what do you say we make it fun, huh?
I'll read a chore. You raise your hand.
Scrape the fat puddle from under the stove!
No takers? Next.
Clear the spider community in the walk-in!
No takers?
Next. Clear the spider community in the dish room!
No takers?
Han, sorry, I can't clean. I have carpal tunnel.
The doctor says I can't put any pressure on my wrist.
And I can't clean either, Han. It's my jaw.
I've got real bad TMZ.
Oh, you girls are so full of crap,
like that third stall in the men's room.
Any takers?
She was so friendly in the job interview.
Bonjour, Max.
Oh, Chef Nicolas. Why am I seeing you outside of pastry school?
Is it about my flan? Because no one likes that stuff anyway.
Oh, no, that's not why I'm here. I wanna speak to Caroline.
But, yes, I gave your flan a C-minus. It was flat.
Hm. I'll go get her. Wow.
First time a teacher's ever called me flat.
Ow! Ow!
Oh, my wrist!
Oh, I thought you were Han.
Please, I'm twice the man he is. Nicolas is here.
What? No, no, no! He can't be in my personal life!
I'm having a hard enough time
avoiding working with him at pastry school.
Did I just call the diner my personal life?
I think so. I wasn't listening. So what do I tell him?
Tell him he's married and I don't go out with married men.
Tell him what we had was a passing flirtation.
Tell him now it's over and he has to move on.
Got it. You died in a grease fire.
She's not here yet.
Oh, well, will she be coming?
Will she be coming? Nope, not anytime soon.
Okay, I'll text her. Au revoir, Max.
Sir, don't take this the wrong way, but you are one fine-looking man.
Well, thank you very much. And back at you.
Tell me something I don't know.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Look at this. Nicolas already texted me.
"Will you have dinner?" What should I do?
Just ignore it, like I'm doing with that table
that's flagging me down right now.
I'm putting a stop to this Nicolas thing.
"I'll have dinner with you when you leave your wife."
And se-end.
If you ever say "se-end" again, we're not gonna be fri-ends.
(POLISH ACCENT) Hey, everybody!
I just got back from Sundance.
I saw ten Mark Ruffalo movies
and I got to watch Catherine Keener DJ.
Whoever that is.
I was in an indie movie once.
Well, a guy filmed me eating a sloppy joe
in the dressing room of a Sport Chalet.
Sophie, how did you get into the Sundance Film Festival?
Oh, I'm dating one of the bigwigs.
He drives the Miramax party bus and he wears a big wig.
So I'm thinking about producing my own movie.
You know, getting into the biz, babe.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Sophie, if you need an actor, let me know.
But I'll only do full-frontal.
I'll also do partial-frontal or just penis close-ups.
And if you need someone to play God, a judge,
or an old guy sitting on a porch,
I'm your man.
Everyone, keep piping your cakes. Keep piping.
Max, vite, vite. You need to pipe that more.
That's funny 'cause my high school guidance counselor told me
I need to pipe way less.
Max, you are falling behind today. Where's your Deke?
In my pants, where it always is.
Oh, you mean Deke! He's got the flu. It's everywhere. No one can shake it.
It's like Taylor Swift.
Yeah, or Pitbull.
Okay, everyone, that's time. I will see you all tomorrow.
-Au revoir, class. -Au revoir, chef.
Let's go! Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!
Come on! Hurry. Let's get outta here!
What's the hurry?
You sound like my mother
whenever the real people who lived in the house would come home.
We need to leave now while Nicolas is in his office.
I don't want him to see me.
I said everything I needed to say to him in my last text.
Ooh, I smell scandal.
So, I've been hiding in the stairwell all day.
Guess where those stairs go?
A room where ten Vietnamese women are making next year's "Prada."
And they do not like visitors.
Oh, is that where you were?
'Cause he asked me, so I told him you were pooping.
Max, don't tell him I'm pooping!
There's no shame in it, Caroline. Everyone poops.
I don't.
I just eat, digest,
and then an angel comes and takes it away in the night.
Excuse me, John. This is private. It's just between us girls.
I know. That's why I'm standing here.
Okay, I'm ready. Let me just grab the medicine I got for Deke.
Aw, that's sweet. You got him antibiotics?
No, I got him Vicodin. I want him to feel better.
I just have to make it down the hall until the elevator
without Nicolas catching me.
Oh, like sexual Frogger.
Game over. Your frog just got hit by a car.
Caroline, there you are.
I can't help feeling you're avoiding me or something.
Avoiding you? No! I've been....
Pooping.
For five hours?
She had a reluctant stool.
Oh, is that not helping?
Caroline, I have something to tell you. Can we talk?
We're all waiting.
You know in your text how you said
that you won't have dinner with me while I'm still married?
Better clear some space on my DVR. There's a new scandal.
Well, you can have dinner with me because... I'm leaving my wife.
(BOTH GASP)
Uh, hello?! What happened?
Dude told you he was gonna leave his wife
and you left faster than Vladimir Putin at a gay bar.
It's all a blur. I blacked out. I don't even know how I got here.
I think I took the train, but, Max, I might have taken the bus.
It came out of nowhere. I never expected him to leave his wife.
It came out of your thumbs when you texted it to him.
Look, when I texted him that, I was just being flirty.
Flirty is me not wearing underwear to the Times Square M&M store.
So you really don't want him to leave his wife?
No!
I mean, sure, maybe I fantasized about it,
but in my fantasy we were on a ski trip,
and I was jumping up and down excited
with my best friend Jennifer Lawrence.
Cool, maybe call Jen next time the possum traps you by the garbage cans.
Look, I thought we were just having a fun distraction.
You know, a couple kisses, a dry hump here and there.
Oh, like the cheerleaders with the good grades.
Exactly. I'm not the type of person who wants him to leave his wife.
No, you're the type of person who almost wants him to leave his wife.
Yes! Yes, that's me! I'm the "almost" girl.
I almost lost my virginity 25 times.
This was my conversation with my friends every Monday in high school.
"Did you?" "Almost."
Funny, 'cause I almost went to high school.
Max, I have to figure out what to do about Nicolas
before he almost makes a big mistake and leaves his wife.
He's not leaving his wife for you.
It's just a thing you say to pretty women to get them into bed.
Like, "I'm a Russian prince," or "That was a good story."
With a tank top collection like yours,
I'm surprised you have to say anything.
I know, right?
So you don't really think he's serious about leaving her?
No, I've told dozens of women I'm leaving my wife for them
and I'm not even married.
Here in America.
That was nice of Oleg.
Just when you think you've seen every part of a person,
'cause he's shown you on his phone,
he surprises you.
Oh, I feel so much better. Nicolas is not gonna leave her.
No, why would he leave her for you?
Well, you don't have to be nasty about it.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Max, I just got another text from Nicolas about him leaving his wife.
Oleg, now he says he's telling his wife tomorrow at 4:00
that he's leaving her.
You got a timeframe?
Oh, if he puts a clock on it, it's happening.
Pick-up, cantaloupe.
Max, there's a clock on it.
But isn't his wife in France?
Yeah, but they Skype every day. They're like the French Jetsons.
He's gonna Skype break up with her?
That is low. And smart. Might steal that move one day.
Oh, good, I see your wrist is better and I'm gonna need some help.
The cleaning situation has gotten a little complicated.
The spider communities are at war.
Han, I can't clean. I'm in the middle of ruining someone's marriage.
Then, Max, please. Things are escalating quickly.
There was a discarded piece of ham
and apparently both kingdoms thought it was theirs.
Oh, no takers?
All right, enough with all this texting. I need to stop this.
I have to go over to his place tomorrow and tell him face to face.
Tell him face to face? I don't even have sex face to face.
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
I hope Nicolas takes my breaking it off with him okay
because in my fantasy when I told him,
he wouldn't take no for an answer, bought me a plane
and I gave Jennifer Lawrence a ride home.
In my fantasy, a talking dragon gave me a cape that belonged to Jesus.
But that's probably because I took too many of Deke's Vicodin earlier.
The lobby told me you were on your way up.
Caroline, I did not expect you.
But you knew I'd be coming?
We need to talk and Max is here for moral support.
I know how this works by now. Come in.
Okay, how do I put this? How do I put this?
Nicolas, I came here today to tell you....
To not do that.
But why? I want you so much.
Okay, you don't want me. You don't even really know me.
I do! You're sexy and funny and pretty and smart.
Okay, you know me a little.
Look, I am not the type of person who breaks up marriages.
No, she's the "almost" girl. She almost breaks up marriages.
Yes, yes, that's who I am.
So I don't want you to make that call
and break up with your wife over Skype.
I am not breaking up with her over Skype.
Okay. Great. Perfect. No Skype.
No. (INTERCOM BUZZING)
Because that's her in the lobby.
I'm breaking up with her in person.
(BUZZING CONTINUES)
Oh, my God! That's your wife in the lobby? Your wife is here?
-What are we gonna do? -Calm down. I can fix this.
You need a fake mustache, a fistful of paprika and a new passport.
If you don't have all three of those things, I can make it work with two,
as long as one of them is a mustache.
There's no other way out.
Come on, Max. We have to get out of here now.
Oh, oh, yeah, and don't leave your wife for me.
Whatever we had, it's over.
Oh, and this shouldn't reflect badly on me in school
'cause I worked hard for that C-minus.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Okay, but only because she just got out of the elevator.
She can't find me here.
I can't be this girl. I don't wanna be the whore he's leaving her for.
That's my favorite Dr. Seuss book.
Caroline, what are you saying?
You were just leading me on this whole time?
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it, Pepé Le Pew!
And, yes, I've been saving that one for after finals.
It is not just Caroline.
You've been chasing after her harder
than a fat kid in a rolling donut contest.
-That's true. -Wait, wait, Caroline.
-Do we still have a shot or not? -No.
Then better go hide in the bathroom.
I don't want this screwing up my marriage.
What?
Well, if you're not gonna be with me, I'm gonna have to stay with my wife.
I mean, I'm a man. I cannot be alone.
Now, go, go, go. She cannot find you here in our apartment.
Why don't you just tell her the truth,
that nothing happened between us?
She will not believe me. I have a history.
There are two of us here.
I also have that history.
WOMAN: Nicolas, c'est moi.
Now go, please. That's the least you can do after ruining my life.
Almost. Almost ruined your life. Come on, Max.
This is totally inconvenient. My "C" better go up to a "B."
This is crazy,
us hiding in a married man's bathroom like a couple of cheap floozies.
So far, I'm just hearing a factual depiction of what's happening here.
Let me see what's going on.
(CONVERSING IN FRENCH)
I can't understand them.
I thought you spoke French.
Only enough to impress Americans.
(WOMAN SPEAKS FRENCH)
Oh, my God. Les toilettes. Les toilettes, that's where we are.
She's coming in here! What should we do?
Pretend we're hot plumbers?
Hide in the shower.
I think she might notice us.
You know that's all glass, right?
Let me just get you a clean hand towel.
She has to pee-pee.
She can't come in here to use the toilet 'cause my life is in it.
I know. This is unfortunate. So go out the window.
What?
It's not a problem.
There's a ledge wide enough for you to walk to the neighbor's terrace,
jump and get away.
Stephanie did it.
Who's Stephanie?
That's not important. She's fine.
Now go. You have to go.
Unless you think you and I still have a shot.
I'll be on the ledge.
-Come on, Max. -No way.
Not happening, Lucy.
If he loses his bad marriage, I'm responsible.
Almost. Almost responsible.
Max, I wouldn't even be in this situation
if I wasn't working with him to put you through pastry school.
Oh, so this is my fault?
Max, please just let it be your fault.
It's completely doable. By the way, it's raining.
Come on. We can do this.
We've crawled 15 feet on our roof to get illegal cable.
Yeah, for the Breaking Bad finale! Something worth dying for!
Oh, my God, are you insane? Get back in here!
Max, maybe you're right.
We should've taken the hot plumber route.
I'm coming back. My legs won't go!
Max, help me back!
Damn it. Damn it, bitch!
(WOMAN SPEAKING FRENCH)
She's in the bathroom.
Oh, she closed the window.
(LOCK TURNS)
And she locked it. So go. Go, go!
If Stephanie did it, we can too.
I can't believe we're up here all because of him.
I am such a bad judge of character.
Of course you are. I'm your best friend.
Max, I'm sorry. This is bad.
Well, at least it can't get any worse, unless we fall.
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
Or it starts to hail!
Hurts like hail!
It's clear! Come on!
-I don't wanna die! -Me neither!
That's weird. For the first time in my life, I don't wanna die.
I have a boyfriend and my first "B." Oh, God, I'm getting soft!
I can't die! I haven't made my comeback yet.
In my fantasy,
you and I move into that penthouse I bought from Jennifer Lawrence
right over there with the roof garden, see?
Aah!
Are you two all right? I mean... whoever you are.
Am I dead?
Almost. Almost dead.
Oh, my God.
What happened to you two?
Well, we crashed through a window. It was pretty dope.
It was kinda like a Die Hard movie,
if they ever let girls do cool stuff in those movies.
The neck's all right?
We have whiplash and I have some bruises on my back.
Max took the brunt of the fall, but feels nothing
because she's mostly made of Vicodin.
Well, I'm glad you survived
because I don't know what I would do without you around here.
Aw, thanks, Earl.
I meant you.
I know.
Max, how were you ever strong enough to hold me up with one arm?
It's the arm I used to drag my mother out of bars with as a baby.
Well, I wanna say something to you.
I hope you know that if you were the one that slipped on that ledge--
I would be dead.
Well, I'm glad that's out in the open.
Hey, everybody! I have an update about my life!
Oh, whoa. What happened to you two?
Sophie, we had an accident. It's a long story.
Yeah, all of yours are.
Well, I'm out of the movie business.
I broke up with my bigwig from Miramax.
We got in a huge fight and he threw his big wig at me.
He told me I'd never eat lunch in this town again.
And I said, "Hey, if I'm in town, I'm eating lunch, baby!"
Oh, no.
No, no, no, I don't have spider bites over half my body,
so you two could fake another injury.
Nice try.
Ow!
Ooh, I'll bet that hurts.
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
(English US - SDH)