1
00:00:01,209 --> 00:00:03,379
Hi!
Today's special is clam chowder.

2
00:00:03,545 --> 00:00:05,839
And today's advice is don't eat it.

3
00:00:07,383 --> 00:00:10,635
Do you have
Eggs Benedict Cumberbatch?

4
00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:12,346
(ALL CHUCKLING)

5
00:00:12,512 --> 00:00:16,307
You are really killing it tonight,
Mary, and leaving no evidence!

6
00:00:18,227 --> 00:00:19,562
We're coming from Sherlock-Con.

7
00:00:19,728 --> 00:00:22,481
It's like Comic-Con,
but for Sherlock Holmes fans.

8
00:00:22,647 --> 00:00:24,149
So it's way cooler.

9
00:00:25,150 --> 00:00:26,152
Excuse me for a sec.

10
00:00:26,318 --> 00:00:29,530
There's another waitress here who
is gonna be a big fan of all of this.

11
00:00:32,283 --> 00:00:34,201
You're welcome
for what I'm about to show you.

12
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:36,244
Look! Guess what they are.

13
00:00:37,496 --> 00:00:39,539
Time-traveling lesbians.

14
00:00:41,082 --> 00:00:43,585
-We're not lesbians.
-I am.

15
00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:47,798
What is this?
What just let out?

16
00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:50,801
A sale
at the Burlington coat factory?

17
00:00:51,469 --> 00:00:54,429
They're Sherlock Holmes super-fans
coming from a convention,

18
00:00:54,597 --> 00:00:58,225
which means there are a lot of cats
home alone right now.

19
00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:02,021
Well, I'd say the only mystery is
who here gets laid the least.

20
00:01:02,188 --> 00:01:04,022
Hello!

21
00:01:05,816 --> 00:01:06,858
Cracked it, Watson!

22
00:01:08,611 --> 00:01:10,278
(THEME MUSIC)

23
00:01:11,112 --> 00:01:12,156
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

24
00:01:19,329 --> 00:01:22,540
One of those Sherlock ladies
left her carpal tunnel brace in here.

25
00:01:22,707 --> 00:01:24,543
No address,
but there's a card that says,

26
00:01:24,710 --> 00:01:27,587
"In case of emergency,
dial 1-800-chocolate."

27
00:01:28,588 --> 00:01:29,840
And I'll take that.

28
00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:33,426
Okay, everybody.
It's that time again.

29
00:01:33,593 --> 00:01:35,888
The diner's big spring clean!

30
00:01:37,222 --> 00:01:39,641
Oh, my God,
has it been six years already?

31
00:01:39,808 --> 00:01:41,977
Too bad
I just developed carpal tunnel.

32
00:01:42,144 --> 00:01:43,728
Max, do you think
you can fake a stroke?

33
00:01:43,896 --> 00:01:45,396
Fake a stroke, fake an orgasm.

34
00:01:45,563 --> 00:01:47,691
Basically anything
that will get me out of work.

35
00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:51,861
Okay, we have lots of chores to do
and somebody will have to double up,

36
00:01:52,028 --> 00:01:55,406
because Earl asked me not to speak
to him for the rest of the night.

37
00:01:56,616 --> 00:01:59,118
Didn't I tell you
to keep my name out your mouth?

38
00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:03,832
So, girls, what do you say
we make it fun, huh?

39
00:02:03,998 --> 00:02:06,459
I'll read a chore.
You raise your hand.

40
00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:10,421
Scrape the fat puddle
from under the stove!

41
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:15,969
No takers? Next.

42
00:02:16,846 --> 00:02:20,849
Clear the spider community
in the walk-in!

43
00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:23,143
No takers?

44
00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:28,983
Next. Clear the spider community
in the dish room!

45
00:02:30,276 --> 00:02:31,985
No takers?

46
00:02:32,151 --> 00:02:35,030
Han, sorry, I can't clean.
I have carpal tunnel.

47
00:02:35,197 --> 00:02:38,033
The doctor says
I can't put any pressure on my wrist.

48
00:02:41,328 --> 00:02:43,288
And I can't clean either, Han.
It's my jaw.

49
00:02:43,454 --> 00:02:45,582
I've got real bad TMZ.

50
00:02:46,250 --> 00:02:48,043
Oh, you girls are so full of crap,

51
00:02:48,210 --> 00:02:50,503
like that third stall
in the men's room.

52
00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:53,048
Any takers?

53
00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:57,010
She was so friendly
in the job interview.

54
00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:03,391
Bonjour, Max.

55
00:03:03,558 --> 00:03:06,395
Oh, Chef Nicolas. Why am I seeing you
outside of pastry school?

56
00:03:06,562 --> 00:03:09,981
Is it about my flan? Because no one
likes that stuff anyway.

57
00:03:10,149 --> 00:03:12,985
Oh, no, that's not why I'm here.
I wanna speak to Caroline.

58
00:03:13,151 --> 00:03:16,487
But, yes, I gave your flan
a C-minus. It was flat.

59
00:03:16,655 --> 00:03:19,074
Hm. I'll go get her. Wow.

60
00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:21,534
First time a teacher's
ever called me flat.

61
00:03:22,745 --> 00:03:23,746
Ow! Ow!

62
00:03:23,829 --> 00:03:24,872
Oh, my wrist!

63
00:03:25,747 --> 00:03:27,832
Oh, I thought you were Han.

64
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:32,045
Please, I'm twice the man he is.
Nicolas is here.

65
00:03:32,211 --> 00:03:35,549
What? No, no, no!
He can't be in my personal life!

66
00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:36,884
I'm having a hard enough time

67
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:38,343
avoiding working with him
at pastry school.

68
00:03:38,509 --> 00:03:41,013
Did I just call the diner
my personal life?

69
00:03:42,014 --> 00:03:44,641
I think so. I wasn't listening.
So what do I tell him?

70
00:03:44,807 --> 00:03:46,769
Tell him he's married
and I don't go out with married men.

71
00:03:46,936 --> 00:03:48,728
Tell him what we had
was a passing flirtation.

72
00:03:48,896 --> 00:03:50,772
Tell him now it's over
and he has to move on.

73
00:03:50,939 --> 00:03:52,483
Got it. You died in a grease fire.

74
00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:56,194
She's not here yet.

75
00:03:56,361 --> 00:03:57,780
Oh, well, will she be coming?

76
00:03:57,947 --> 00:04:00,282
Will she be coming?
Nope, not anytime soon.

77
00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:03,701
Okay, I'll text her.
Au revoir, Max.

78
00:04:05,079 --> 00:04:09,248
Sir, don't take this the wrong way,
but you are one fine-looking man.

79
00:04:10,709 --> 00:04:13,419
Well, thank you very much.
And back at you.

80
00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:16,423
Tell me something I don't know.

81
00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:17,800
(PHONE CHIMES)

82
00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:20,052
Look at this.
Nicolas already texted me.

83
00:04:20,218 --> 00:04:21,845
"Will you have dinner?"
What should I do?

84
00:04:22,012 --> 00:04:23,846
Just ignore it,
like I'm doing with that table

85
00:04:24,014 --> 00:04:25,766
that's flagging me down right now.

86
00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:29,435
I'm putting a stop
to this Nicolas thing.

87
00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:32,939
"I'll have dinner with you
when you leave your wife."

88
00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:35,651
And se-end.

89
00:04:36,235 --> 00:04:40,863
If you ever say "se-end" again,
we're not gonna be fri-ends.

90
00:04:41,406 --> 00:04:43,408
(POLISH ACCENT) Hey, everybody!

91
00:04:44,617 --> 00:04:46,954
I just got back from Sundance.

92
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,956
I saw ten Mark Ruffalo movies

93
00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:51,917
and I got to watch
Catherine Keener DJ.

94
00:04:52,668 --> 00:04:54,461
Whoever that is.

95
00:04:55,211 --> 00:04:57,338
I was in an indie movie once.

96
00:04:57,505 --> 00:04:59,132
Well, a guy filmed me
eating a sloppy joe

97
00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:01,843
in the dressing room
of a Sport Chalet.

98
00:05:02,011 --> 00:05:04,846
Sophie, how did you get
into the Sundance Film Festival?

99
00:05:05,014 --> 00:05:07,516
Oh, I'm dating one of the bigwigs.

100
00:05:07,682 --> 00:05:11,269
He drives the Miramax party bus
and he wears a big wig.

101
00:05:12,146 --> 00:05:15,983
So I'm thinking
about producing my own movie.

102
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:18,317
You know, getting into the biz, babe.

103
00:05:18,444 --> 00:05:19,862
(CLICKS TONGUE)

104
00:05:20,903 --> 00:05:23,490
Sophie, if you need an actor,
let me know.

105
00:05:23,656 --> 00:05:25,783
But I'll only do full-frontal.

106
00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:31,247
I'll also do partial-frontal
or just penis close-ups.

107
00:05:33,125 --> 00:05:35,793
And if you need someone
to play God, a judge,

108
00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:37,754
or an old guy sitting on a porch,

109
00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:39,088
I'm your man.

110
00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:47,598
Everyone, keep piping your cakes.
Keep piping.

111
00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:50,225
Max, vite, vite.
You need to pipe that more.

112
00:05:50,391 --> 00:05:52,394
That's funny 'cause my high school
guidance counselor told me

113
00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,437
I need to pipe way less.

114
00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:58,024
Max, you are falling behind today.
Where's your Deke?

115
00:05:58,192 --> 00:06:00,694
In my pants, where it always is.

116
00:06:01,694 --> 00:06:05,281
Oh, you mean Deke! He's got the flu.
It's everywhere. No one can shake it.

117
00:06:05,449 --> 00:06:07,033
It's like Taylor Swift.

118
00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:09,620
Yeah, or Pitbull.

119
00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:13,081
Okay, everyone, that's time.
I will see you all tomorrow.

120
00:06:13,247 --> 00:06:15,918
-Au revoir, class.
-Au revoir, chef.

121
00:06:16,752 --> 00:06:19,213
Let's go! Let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's go!

122
00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:20,713
Come on! Hurry.
Let's get outta here!

123
00:06:20,755 --> 00:06:21,757
What's the hurry?

124
00:06:21,923 --> 00:06:23,050
You sound like my mother

125
00:06:23,091 --> 00:06:25,511
whenever the real people who lived
in the house would come home.

126
00:06:25,677 --> 00:06:28,262
We need to leave now
while Nicolas is in his office.

127
00:06:28,430 --> 00:06:29,430
I don't want him to see me.

128
00:06:29,598 --> 00:06:31,809
I said everything I needed
to say to him in my last text.

129
00:06:31,975 --> 00:06:34,353
Ooh, I smell scandal.

130
00:06:35,728 --> 00:06:38,606
So, I've been hiding
in the stairwell all day.

131
00:06:38,774 --> 00:06:40,149
Guess where those stairs go?

132
00:06:40,317 --> 00:06:44,071
A room where ten Vietnamese women
are making next year's "Prada."

133
00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:47,449
And they do not like visitors.

134
00:06:48,324 --> 00:06:49,492
Oh, is that where you were?

135
00:06:49,659 --> 00:06:51,870
'Cause he asked me,
so I told him you were pooping.

136
00:06:53,247 --> 00:06:55,165
Max, don't tell him I'm pooping!

137
00:06:55,331 --> 00:06:58,502
There's no shame in it, Caroline.
Everyone poops.

138
00:06:59,293 --> 00:07:01,088
I don't.

139
00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:02,548
I just eat, digest,

140
00:07:02,713 --> 00:07:05,509
and then an angel comes
and takes it away in the night.

141
00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:09,805
Excuse me, John. This is private.
It's just between us girls.

142
00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:11,764
I know.
That's why I'm standing here.

143
00:07:14,518 --> 00:07:16,769
Okay, I'm ready. Let me just grab
the medicine I got for Deke.

144
00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:18,855
Aw, that's sweet.
You got him antibiotics?

145
00:07:19,021 --> 00:07:21,190
No, I got him Vicodin.
I want him to feel better.

146
00:07:22,151 --> 00:07:23,985
I just have to make it down the hall
until the elevator

147
00:07:24,153 --> 00:07:25,153
without Nicolas catching me.

148
00:07:25,319 --> 00:07:27,238
Oh, like sexual Frogger.

149
00:07:28,197 --> 00:07:30,449
Game over.
Your frog just got hit by a car.

150
00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:32,952
Caroline, there you are.

151
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,954
I can't help feeling
you're avoiding me or something.

152
00:07:35,538 --> 00:07:37,957
Avoiding you? No! I've been....

153
00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:40,502
Pooping.

154
00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:44,673
For five hours?

155
00:07:45,507 --> 00:07:47,425
She had a reluctant stool.

156
00:07:49,052 --> 00:07:51,096
Oh, is that not helping?

157
00:07:52,096 --> 00:07:54,141
Caroline, I have something
to tell you. Can we talk?

158
00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:55,808
We're all waiting.

159
00:07:57,351 --> 00:07:58,437
You know in your text how you said

160
00:07:58,603 --> 00:08:00,646
that you won't have dinner with me
while I'm still married?

161
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:04,233
Better clear some space on my DVR.
There's a new scandal.

162
00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:09,447
Well, you can have dinner with me
because... I'm leaving my wife.

163
00:08:09,615 --> 00:08:11,408
(BOTH GASP)

164
00:08:23,586 --> 00:08:24,963
Uh, hello?! What happened?

165
00:08:25,129 --> 00:08:26,464
Dude told you
he was gonna leave his wife

166
00:08:26,632 --> 00:08:29,550
and you left faster
than Vladimir Putin at a gay bar.

167
00:08:33,721 --> 00:08:37,058
It's all a blur. I blacked out.
I don't even know how I got here.

168
00:08:37,225 --> 00:08:42,105
I think I took the train,
but, Max, I might have taken the bus.

169
00:08:44,274 --> 00:08:47,443
It came out of nowhere. I never
expected him to leave his wife.

170
00:08:47,610 --> 00:08:51,280
It came out of your thumbs
when you texted it to him.

171
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:55,911
Look, when I texted him that,
I was just being flirty.

172
00:08:56,077 --> 00:08:59,873
Flirty is me not wearing underwear
to the Times Square M&M store.

173
00:09:02,333 --> 00:09:04,086
So you really don't want him
to leave his wife?

174
00:09:04,253 --> 00:09:05,336
No!

175
00:09:05,504 --> 00:09:08,048
I mean, sure,
maybe I fantasized about it,

176
00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:09,924
but in my fantasy
we were on a ski trip,

177
00:09:10,091 --> 00:09:11,426
and I was jumping
up and down excited

178
00:09:11,592 --> 00:09:13,470
with my best friend
Jennifer Lawrence.

179
00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:17,807
Cool, maybe call Jen next time the
possum traps you by the garbage cans.

180
00:09:19,350 --> 00:09:22,144
Look, I thought we were just having
a fun distraction.

181
00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:25,106
You know, a couple kisses,
a dry hump here and there.

182
00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:28,317
Oh, like the cheerleaders
with the good grades.

183
00:09:30,486 --> 00:09:33,240
Exactly. I'm not the type of person
who wants him to leave his wife.

184
00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:36,451
No, you're the type of person who
almost wants him to leave his wife.

185
00:09:36,909 --> 00:09:40,038
Yes! Yes, that's me!
I'm the "almost" girl.

186
00:09:40,205 --> 00:09:43,250
I almost lost my virginity 25 times.

187
00:09:43,417 --> 00:09:46,336
This was my conversation with my
friends every Monday in high school.

188
00:09:46,503 --> 00:09:49,172
"Did you?"
"Almost."

189
00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:53,592
Funny,
'cause I almost went to high school.

190
00:09:55,636 --> 00:09:57,681
Max, I have to figure out
what to do about Nicolas

191
00:09:57,847 --> 00:10:01,684
before he almost makes a big mistake
and leaves his wife.

192
00:10:02,184 --> 00:10:04,270
He's not leaving his wife for you.

193
00:10:05,062 --> 00:10:08,524
It's just a thing you say to pretty
women to get them into bed.

194
00:10:09,860 --> 00:10:13,864
Like, "I'm a Russian prince,"
or "That was a good story."

195
00:10:16,325 --> 00:10:17,868
With a tank top collection
like yours,

196
00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:20,287
I'm surprised
you have to say anything.

197
00:10:21,370 --> 00:10:22,788
I know, right?

198
00:10:24,416 --> 00:10:26,793
So you don't really think
he's serious about leaving her?

199
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:30,338
No, I've told dozens of women
I'm leaving my wife for them

200
00:10:30,504 --> 00:10:32,215
and I'm not even married.

201
00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:35,469
Here in America.

202
00:10:37,386 --> 00:10:38,721
That was nice of Oleg.

203
00:10:38,889 --> 00:10:41,057
Just when you think
you've seen every part of a person,

204
00:10:41,224 --> 00:10:44,101
'cause he's shown you on his phone,

205
00:10:44,269 --> 00:10:45,770
he surprises you.

206
00:10:45,937 --> 00:10:48,440
Oh, I feel so much better.
Nicolas is not gonna leave her.

207
00:10:48,606 --> 00:10:50,359
No, why would he leave her for you?

208
00:10:51,025 --> 00:10:52,943
Well, you don't have
to be nasty about it.

209
00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:55,279
(PHONE CHIMES)

210
00:10:56,405 --> 00:10:59,408
Max, I just got another text from
Nicolas about him leaving his wife.

211
00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:02,537
Oleg, now he says he's telling
his wife tomorrow at 4:00

212
00:11:02,703 --> 00:11:03,996
that he's leaving her.

213
00:11:04,163 --> 00:11:05,916
You got a timeframe?

214
00:11:06,082 --> 00:11:08,418
Oh, if he puts a clock on it,
it's happening.

215
00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:11,212
Pick-up, cantaloupe.

216
00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:13,673
Max, there's a clock on it.

217
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:15,258
But isn't his wife in France?

218
00:11:15,424 --> 00:11:19,261
Yeah, but they Skype every day.
They're like the French Jetsons.

219
00:11:19,763 --> 00:11:21,807
He's gonna Skype break up with her?

220
00:11:21,972 --> 00:11:24,768
That is low. And smart.
Might steal that move one day.

221
00:11:26,269 --> 00:11:29,523
Oh, good, I see your wrist is better
and I'm gonna need some help.

222
00:11:29,688 --> 00:11:32,942
The cleaning situation
has gotten a little complicated.

223
00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:37,489
The spider communities are at war.

224
00:11:38,740 --> 00:11:41,826
Han, I can't clean. I'm in the middle
of ruining someone's marriage.

225
00:11:41,993 --> 00:11:44,955
Then, Max, please.
Things are escalating quickly.

226
00:11:45,121 --> 00:11:46,831
There was a discarded piece of ham

227
00:11:46,998 --> 00:11:50,126
and apparently both kingdoms
thought it was theirs.

228
00:11:50,793 --> 00:11:51,836
Oh, no takers?

229
00:11:54,004 --> 00:11:56,591
All right, enough with all
this texting. I need to stop this.

230
00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:59,260
I have to go over to his place
tomorrow and tell him face to face.

231
00:11:59,427 --> 00:12:02,764
Tell him face to face?
I don't even have sex face to face.

232
00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:06,518
(ELEVATOR DINGS)

233
00:12:07,351 --> 00:12:09,687
I hope Nicolas takes
my breaking it off with him okay

234
00:12:09,855 --> 00:12:11,480
because in my fantasy
when I told him,

235
00:12:11,648 --> 00:12:13,399
he wouldn't take no for an answer,
bought me a plane

236
00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:15,693
and I gave Jennifer Lawrence
a ride home.

237
00:12:16,153 --> 00:12:20,322
In my fantasy, a talking dragon gave
me a cape that belonged to Jesus.

238
00:12:21,825 --> 00:12:25,162
But that's probably because I took
too many of Deke's Vicodin earlier.

239
00:12:27,163 --> 00:12:28,748
The lobby told me
you were on your way up.

240
00:12:28,914 --> 00:12:30,750
Caroline, I did not expect you.

241
00:12:30,917 --> 00:12:32,335
But you knew I'd be coming?

242
00:12:33,794 --> 00:12:36,338
We need to talk
and Max is here for moral support.

243
00:12:36,505 --> 00:12:39,091
I know how this works by now.
Come in.

244
00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:42,261
Okay, how do I put this?
How do I put this?

245
00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:44,972
Nicolas, I came here today
to tell you....

246
00:12:47,183 --> 00:12:49,269
To not do that.

247
00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:51,855
But why?
I want you so much.

248
00:12:52,022 --> 00:12:54,857
Okay, you don't want me.
You don't even really know me.

249
00:12:55,024 --> 00:12:58,403
I do! You're sexy and funny
and pretty and smart.

250
00:12:58,570 --> 00:13:00,572
Okay, you know me a little.

251
00:13:01,364 --> 00:13:04,658
Look, I am not the type of person
who breaks up marriages.

252
00:13:04,826 --> 00:13:08,245
No, she's the "almost" girl.
She almost breaks up marriages.

253
00:13:08,746 --> 00:13:10,123
Yes, yes, that's who I am.

254
00:13:10,289 --> 00:13:11,582
So I don't want you to make that call

255
00:13:11,750 --> 00:13:13,043
and break up with your wife
over Skype.

256
00:13:13,210 --> 00:13:14,961
I am not breaking up with her
over Skype.

257
00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:17,713
Okay. Great. Perfect. No Skype.

258
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,256
No.
(INTERCOM BUZZING)

259
00:13:19,341 --> 00:13:20,884
Because that's her in the lobby.

260
00:13:22,219 --> 00:13:24,011
I'm breaking up with her in person.

261
00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:31,686
(BUZZING CONTINUES)

262
00:13:31,852 --> 00:13:35,649
Oh, my God! That's your wife
in the lobby? Your wife is here?

263
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:38,109
-What are we gonna do?
-Calm down. I can fix this.

264
00:13:38,777 --> 00:13:42,279
You need a fake mustache, a fistful
of paprika and a new passport.

265
00:13:42,447 --> 00:13:45,115
If you don't have all three of those
things, I can make it work with two,

266
00:13:45,283 --> 00:13:46,618
as long as one of them is a mustache.

267
00:13:48,452 --> 00:13:49,788
There's no other way out.

268
00:13:49,955 --> 00:13:51,456
Come on, Max.
We have to get out of here now.

269
00:13:52,206 --> 00:13:54,500
Oh, oh, yeah,
and don't leave your wife for me.

270
00:13:54,668 --> 00:13:56,126
Whatever we had, it's over.

271
00:13:56,293 --> 00:13:59,047
Oh, and this shouldn't reflect badly
on me in school

272
00:13:59,213 --> 00:14:01,633
'cause I worked hard
for that C-minus.

273
00:14:01,799 --> 00:14:03,717
Stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop, stop.

274
00:14:03,884 --> 00:14:06,178
Okay, but only because
she just got out of the elevator.

275
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:07,806
She can't find me here.

276
00:14:07,972 --> 00:14:11,475
I can't be this girl. I don't wanna
be the whore he's leaving her for.

277
00:14:11,643 --> 00:14:13,562
That's my favorite Dr. Seuss book.

278
00:14:15,145 --> 00:14:16,523
Caroline, what are you saying?

279
00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:18,649
You were just leading me on
this whole time?

280
00:14:18,817 --> 00:14:21,278
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold it, Pepé Le Pew!

281
00:14:22,403 --> 00:14:25,197
And, yes, I've been saving that one
for after finals.

282
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:26,490
It is not just Caroline.

283
00:14:26,658 --> 00:14:27,826
You've been chasing after her harder

284
00:14:27,993 --> 00:14:30,703
than a fat kid
in a rolling donut contest.

285
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:33,163
-That's true.
-Wait, wait, Caroline.

286
00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:35,207
-Do we still have a shot or not?
-No.

287
00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:36,500
Then better go hide in the bathroom.

288
00:14:36,668 --> 00:14:39,004
I don't want this
screwing up my marriage.

289
00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:40,754
What?

290
00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:44,676
Well, if you're not gonna be with me,
I'm gonna have to stay with my wife.

291
00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:47,052
I mean, I'm a man.
I cannot be alone.

292
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:49,722
Now, go, go, go. She cannot find you
here in our apartment.

293
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,557
Why don't you
just tell her the truth,

294
00:14:51,725 --> 00:14:52,892
that nothing happened between us?

295
00:14:53,058 --> 00:14:55,269
She will not believe me.
I have a history.

296
00:14:55,437 --> 00:14:57,022
There are two of us here.

297
00:14:57,187 --> 00:14:59,106
I also have that history.

298
00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:02,943
WOMAN: Nicolas, c'est moi.

299
00:15:03,068 --> 00:15:06,030
Now go, please. That's the least
you can do after ruining my life.

300
00:15:06,197 --> 00:15:09,533
Almost. Almost ruined your life.
Come on, Max.

301
00:15:09,701 --> 00:15:14,246
This is totally inconvenient.
My "C" better go up to a "B."

302
00:15:19,628 --> 00:15:20,629
This is crazy,

303
00:15:20,794 --> 00:15:24,298
us hiding in a married man's bathroom
like a couple of cheap floozies.

304
00:15:24,466 --> 00:15:28,302
So far, I'm just hearing a factual
depiction of what's happening here.

305
00:15:29,136 --> 00:15:30,804
Let me see what's going on.

306
00:15:31,681 --> 00:15:34,558
(CONVERSING IN FRENCH)

307
00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:39,438
I can't understand them.

308
00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:40,815
I thought you spoke French.

309
00:15:40,981 --> 00:15:43,777
Only enough to impress Americans.

310
00:15:44,235 --> 00:15:45,903
(WOMAN SPEAKS FRENCH)

311
00:15:46,528 --> 00:15:49,783
Oh, my God. Les toilettes.
Les toilettes, that's where we are.

312
00:15:49,948 --> 00:15:52,576
She's coming in here!
What should we do?

313
00:15:52,744 --> 00:15:54,663
Pretend we're hot plumbers?

314
00:15:54,828 --> 00:15:56,538
Hide in the shower.

315
00:16:02,921 --> 00:16:04,964
I think she might notice us.

316
00:16:08,384 --> 00:16:10,010
You know that's all glass, right?

317
00:16:11,178 --> 00:16:12,931
Let me just get you
a clean hand towel.

318
00:16:13,097 --> 00:16:14,599
She has to pee-pee.

319
00:16:14,765 --> 00:16:18,769
She can't come in here to use
the toilet 'cause my life is in it.

320
00:16:18,937 --> 00:16:21,648
I know. This is unfortunate.
So go out the window.

321
00:16:21,815 --> 00:16:23,441
What?

322
00:16:23,607 --> 00:16:25,527
It's not a problem.

323
00:16:25,693 --> 00:16:28,321
There's a ledge wide enough for you
to walk to the neighbor's terrace,

324
00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:29,947
jump and get away.

325
00:16:30,115 --> 00:16:31,533
Stephanie did it.

326
00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:33,201
Who's Stephanie?

327
00:16:33,368 --> 00:16:36,453
That's not important.
She's fine.

328
00:16:37,956 --> 00:16:40,457
Now go.
You have to go.

329
00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:42,293
Unless you think you
and I still have a shot.

330
00:16:42,460 --> 00:16:44,629
I'll be on the ledge.

331
00:16:47,966 --> 00:16:49,801
-Come on, Max.
-No way.

332
00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:51,885
Not happening, Lucy.

333
00:16:52,052 --> 00:16:55,472
If he loses his bad marriage,
I'm responsible.

334
00:16:55,639 --> 00:16:57,850
Almost. Almost responsible.

335
00:16:58,017 --> 00:16:59,977
Max, I wouldn't even be
in this situation

336
00:17:00,144 --> 00:17:02,813
if I wasn't working with him
to put you through pastry school.

337
00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:04,315
Oh, so this is my fault?

338
00:17:04,481 --> 00:17:06,692
Max, please
just let it be your fault.

339
00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:16,411
It's completely doable.
By the way, it's raining.

340
00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:18,913
Come on.
We can do this.

341
00:17:19,079 --> 00:17:21,665
We've crawled 15 feet on our roof
to get illegal cable.

342
00:17:21,833 --> 00:17:26,837
Yeah, for the Breaking Bad finale!
Something worth dying for!

343
00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:34,596
Oh, my God, are you insane?
Get back in here!

344
00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:36,431
Max, maybe you're right.

345
00:17:36,513 --> 00:17:38,892
We should've taken
the hot plumber route.

346
00:17:39,893 --> 00:17:43,270
I'm coming back.
My legs won't go!

347
00:17:43,354 --> 00:17:45,022
Max, help me back!

348
00:17:45,190 --> 00:17:47,107
Damn it. Damn it, bitch!

349
00:17:49,193 --> 00:17:51,028
(WOMAN SPEAKING FRENCH)

350
00:17:52,822 --> 00:17:54,240
She's in the bathroom.

351
00:17:56,742 --> 00:17:57,701
Oh, she closed the window.

352
00:17:58,202 --> 00:17:59,077
(LOCK TURNS)

353
00:17:59,162 --> 00:18:01,914
And she locked it.
So go. Go, go!

354
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:05,417
If Stephanie did it, we can too.

355
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:07,711
I can't believe we're up here
all because of him.

356
00:18:07,878 --> 00:18:10,381
I am such a bad judge of character.

357
00:18:10,548 --> 00:18:12,884
Of course you are.
I'm your best friend.

358
00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:15,720
Max, I'm sorry.
This is bad.

359
00:18:15,886 --> 00:18:18,847
Well, at least it can't get
any worse, unless we fall.

360
00:18:19,097 --> 00:18:20,057
(THUNDER RUMBLES)

361
00:18:20,224 --> 00:18:22,393
Or it starts to hail!

362
00:18:22,977 --> 00:18:23,978
Hurts like hail!

363
00:18:24,561 --> 00:18:25,980
It's clear! Come on!

364
00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:29,733
-I don't wanna die!
-Me neither!

365
00:18:30,276 --> 00:18:33,947
That's weird. For the first time
in my life, I don't wanna die.

366
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:37,616
I have a boyfriend and my first "B."
Oh, God, I'm getting soft!

367
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:40,077
I can't die!
I haven't made my comeback yet.

368
00:18:40,118 --> 00:18:40,953
In my fantasy,

369
00:18:41,119 --> 00:18:43,789
you and I move into that penthouse
I bought from Jennifer Lawrence

370
00:18:43,957 --> 00:18:46,960
right over there
with the roof garden, see?

371
00:18:47,125 --> 00:18:48,044
Aah!

372
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:52,757
Aah!

373
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:56,594
Are you two all right?
I mean... whoever you are.

374
00:18:58,637 --> 00:19:00,472
Am I dead?

375
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,017
Almost. Almost dead.

376
00:19:08,690 --> 00:19:11,442
Oh, my God.

377
00:19:11,608 --> 00:19:13,152
What happened to you two?

378
00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:16,990
Well, we crashed through a window.
It was pretty dope.

379
00:19:17,155 --> 00:19:18,490
It was kinda like a Die Hard movie,

380
00:19:18,657 --> 00:19:21,451
if they ever let girls do cool stuff
in those movies.

381
00:19:21,618 --> 00:19:23,037
The neck's all right?

382
00:19:23,203 --> 00:19:25,623
We have whiplash
and I have some bruises on my back.

383
00:19:25,789 --> 00:19:27,709
Max took the brunt of the fall,
but feels nothing

384
00:19:27,875 --> 00:19:29,626
because she's mostly
made of Vicodin.

385
00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:32,171
Well, I'm glad you survived

386
00:19:32,337 --> 00:19:35,299
because I don't know what I would do
without you around here.

387
00:19:35,465 --> 00:19:36,968
Aw, thanks, Earl.

388
00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:39,971
I meant you.

389
00:19:41,471 --> 00:19:42,472
I know.

390
00:19:43,974 --> 00:19:47,478
Max, how were you ever strong enough
to hold me up with one arm?

391
00:19:47,644 --> 00:19:50,480
It's the arm I used to drag my mother
out of bars with as a baby.

392
00:19:51,941 --> 00:19:54,192
Well, I wanna say something to you.

393
00:19:54,986 --> 00:19:58,573
I hope you know that if you were
the one that slipped on that ledge--

394
00:19:58,740 --> 00:20:00,157
I would be dead.

395
00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:04,662
Well, I'm glad
that's out in the open.

396
00:20:05,496 --> 00:20:08,833
Hey, everybody!
I have an update about my life!

397
00:20:10,585 --> 00:20:13,837
Oh, whoa.
What happened to you two?

398
00:20:14,005 --> 00:20:16,548
Sophie, we had an accident.
It's a long story.

399
00:20:16,715 --> 00:20:18,926
Yeah, all of yours are.

400
00:20:21,095 --> 00:20:24,307
Well, I'm out of the movie business.

401
00:20:24,473 --> 00:20:27,018
I broke up with my bigwig
from Miramax.

402
00:20:27,184 --> 00:20:31,521
We got in a huge fight
and he threw his big wig at me.

403
00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:36,318
He told me I'd never eat lunch
in this town again.

404
00:20:36,486 --> 00:20:41,865
And I said, "Hey, if I'm in town,
I'm eating lunch, baby!"

405
00:20:45,243 --> 00:20:46,244
Oh, no.

406
00:20:46,412 --> 00:20:49,374
No, no, no, I don't have spider bites
over half my body,

407
00:20:49,539 --> 00:20:51,500
so you two could fake another injury.

408
00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:53,419
Nice try.

409
00:20:53,670 --> 00:20:54,921
Ow!

410
00:20:55,505 --> 00:20:57,339
Ooh, I'll bet that hurts.

411
00:20:59,717 --> 00:21:01,510
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

412
00:21:24,575 --> 00:21:26,576
(English US - SDH)