1
00:00:02,085 --> 00:00:03,545
Happy St. Patrick's Day!

2
00:00:03,670 --> 00:00:06,256
Guinness and Irish cream
cupcakes for everyone!

3
00:00:06,381 --> 00:00:08,759
Enjoy your blackout!

4
00:00:08,926 --> 00:00:10,510
These are the last 12 cupcakes.

5
00:00:10,635 --> 00:00:14,473
Actually, two of them are just
potatoes from the diner.

6
00:00:14,598 --> 00:00:18,518
At some point I started putting
green icing on anything I could find.

7
00:00:18,643 --> 00:00:20,603
Max, we haven't been so busy

8
00:00:20,730 --> 00:00:24,942
since someone spray-painted
"free sex stuff" on the wall outside.

9
00:00:25,109 --> 00:00:28,111
And you said
I'm not good at marketing.

10
00:00:28,236 --> 00:00:30,448
Happy St. Patrick's Day.

11
00:00:30,573 --> 00:00:32,490
Bridget, Patrick, John, Mary,

12
00:00:32,615 --> 00:00:35,786
and you, the little one,
come over here.

13
00:00:35,911 --> 00:00:37,287
We're here to pick up our order.

14
00:00:37,454 --> 00:00:40,249
Should be here
to pick up birth control.

15
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:41,750
Coming right up.

16
00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:44,378
Max, I know I told you
I hated St. Patrick's Day

17
00:00:44,503 --> 00:00:46,296
because the only people
who go out are drunk trash--

18
00:00:46,463 --> 00:00:49,383
We prefer to be called
"intoxicated garbage."

19
00:00:49,508 --> 00:00:53,304
But that was before I knew
that drunk trash carried cash.

20
00:00:53,429 --> 00:00:56,557
Nobody gonna pinch me today,
because I got all this green.

21
00:00:57,515 --> 00:01:01,145
Oh, money's involved, and all of
a sudden you're Erin go Bragh?

22
00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:05,106
Or in your case,
"Erin go training bra?"

23
00:01:05,231 --> 00:01:07,192
-Who wants cupcakes?
-CHILDREN: Me!

24
00:01:08,444 --> 00:01:10,195
(THEME MUSIC)

25
00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:11,655
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

26
00:01:20,706 --> 00:01:22,373
It was so worth
being open this morning.

27
00:01:22,665 --> 00:01:25,960
We can use this St. Patrick's Day
money to spring for some new pillows.

28
00:01:26,085 --> 00:01:28,213
Or even just pillows.

29
00:01:28,379 --> 00:01:32,343
Or just go to a bar and
fall asleep on a couple of fat guys.

30
00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:36,805
Okay, how much did we make?
Show me the money.

31
00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:39,808
Three hundred and fifty-one dollars!

32
00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:42,895
Show me the rest of the money.

33
00:01:44,146 --> 00:01:45,563
Fine, I took three dollars.

34
00:01:45,730 --> 00:01:47,691
-That's it?
-Fine, I took five.

35
00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:50,860
Can't a bitch get a footlong?

36
00:01:51,903 --> 00:01:53,112
But we worked so hard.

37
00:01:53,239 --> 00:01:55,198
I have so much green
under my fingernails

38
00:01:55,323 --> 00:01:58,159
it looks like I had
really good sex with Shrek.

39
00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:02,706
What other kind
could you have with him?

40
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:06,001
Green guys make black guys
look like white guys.

41
00:02:07,710 --> 00:02:09,671
I love St. Patrick's Day.

42
00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:11,924
Tell me one good thing about it.

43
00:02:12,883 --> 00:02:15,134
(IRISH ACCENT) Top o' the mornin'!

44
00:02:16,010 --> 00:02:18,222
Look, it's a lepre-Han.

45
00:02:18,347 --> 00:02:20,265
So what do you think?

46
00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:22,268
I'm concerned.
If you're out here,

47
00:02:22,393 --> 00:02:25,396
who's guarding your Lucky Charms?

48
00:02:25,521 --> 00:02:28,231
You laugh now,
and probably all night long,

49
00:02:28,356 --> 00:02:29,775
but with this costume,

50
00:02:29,942 --> 00:02:33,236
my chances of getting laid
are higher than ever.

51
00:02:33,361 --> 00:02:35,531
So zero?

52
00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:38,533
Nope, 100 percent.

53
00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:40,953
What makes you so confident?

54
00:02:41,078 --> 00:02:42,288
Because the only answer
I can think of right now

55
00:02:42,413 --> 00:02:46,292
is that you have cocaine
in your wee pocket.

56
00:02:46,417 --> 00:02:47,960
Hey, I can see it.

57
00:02:48,085 --> 00:02:49,670
You're out drunk
on St. Patrick's Day,

58
00:02:49,795 --> 00:02:52,798
and it seems like a good idea
to bang a leprechaun.

59
00:02:52,965 --> 00:02:54,591
Like the Presidents' Day
I hooked up with a guy

60
00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:57,802
dressed like Uncle Sam
at the used car lot.

61
00:02:57,927 --> 00:03:00,639
This costume is my ace in the hole.

62
00:03:00,764 --> 00:03:04,852
Well, it does make you
look like an ace-hole.

63
00:03:04,977 --> 00:03:06,812
Nice outfit, Han.

64
00:03:06,979 --> 00:03:09,439
You look like a pimp
I used to use in Vietnam.

65
00:03:13,568 --> 00:03:15,820
Come on, let's hit the parade.

66
00:03:15,945 --> 00:03:17,865
Look, Oleg, this is America.

67
00:03:17,990 --> 00:03:20,074
You could have an accent
or a suspicious package,

68
00:03:20,199 --> 00:03:21,826
but you can't have both.

69
00:03:21,993 --> 00:03:24,329
Relax.
It's just my inventory.

70
00:03:24,496 --> 00:03:25,997
I'm gonna sell T-shirts.

71
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:34,256
That is revolting.

72
00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:35,758
Put me down for five.

73
00:03:36,759 --> 00:03:40,219
You might also be interested
in my other choice product.

74
00:03:40,346 --> 00:03:41,805
Pee funnels.

75
00:03:42,555 --> 00:03:45,850
I might also not be
interested in that product.

76
00:03:46,018 --> 00:03:48,687
It's a disposable funnel
for upwardly mobile, elegant,

77
00:03:48,853 --> 00:03:52,942
young ladies who want to stand
and pee in the street like a man.

78
00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:55,860
I mean, have you seen
those parade port-a-potties?

79
00:03:56,027 --> 00:03:59,031
Seen them?
I was conceived in one.

80
00:03:59,198 --> 00:04:01,532
Just slip one of these babies
into your pants

81
00:04:01,658 --> 00:04:04,703
and go pee in the park,
no muss, no fuss.

82
00:04:04,870 --> 00:04:07,830
Well, a little muss, some fuss.

83
00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:10,918
And possibly a very
unpleasant paper cut.

84
00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:17,341
That's revolting.

85
00:04:17,466 --> 00:04:19,718
Put me down for five.

86
00:04:19,843 --> 00:04:21,387
Better make it six,
because if it's for ladies,

87
00:04:21,552 --> 00:04:23,221
Han's definitely gonna need one.

88
00:04:26,557 --> 00:04:29,060
Max, barhopping
with a horny leprechaun

89
00:04:29,228 --> 00:04:31,146
and a pee-funnel salesman?

90
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,983
Not exactly my scene.
Can't you just go with Deke?

91
00:04:34,108 --> 00:04:37,319
This is boyfriend stuff,
meaning he's gross like you.

92
00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:40,781
I know, but he's snowboarding
somewhere called Vail

93
00:04:40,906 --> 00:04:43,199
with something called a family.

94
00:04:43,324 --> 00:04:45,244
Here, we gotta lay down
a layer of grease

95
00:04:45,369 --> 00:04:47,079
to absorb all the booze
we'll be drinking tonight.

96
00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:49,288
This'll hold us over
till our 3:00 AM street meet,

97
00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:50,624
Which'll hold us over till our

98
00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:53,418
noon-30 Rooty Tooty
Fresh 'N Fruity breakfast.

99
00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:55,211
Come on, start layering.

100
00:04:55,336 --> 00:04:56,922
I miss my old
St. Patrick's Day tradition.

101
00:04:57,047 --> 00:04:58,548
-Wanna hear it?
-Hell, no.

102
00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:01,593
Well, from 16 to 21,
my friends and I....

103
00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:03,220
Boys were there too,

104
00:05:03,345 --> 00:05:05,430
even though technically
they weren't allowed...

105
00:05:05,596 --> 00:05:08,182
By 16, I was thrice divorced

106
00:05:08,350 --> 00:05:11,144
and a member of the
electricians' union, but go on.

107
00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:16,315
We'd rent a big suite at The Plaza
overlooking the parade,

108
00:05:16,442 --> 00:05:18,569
and we'd fill balloons
with champagne and...

109
00:05:18,694 --> 00:05:23,615
And throw them
down at the parade crowd!

110
00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:25,826
So fun, right?

111
00:05:26,951 --> 00:05:28,620
Oh, wait, that was you guys?

112
00:05:28,786 --> 00:05:30,956
One year you hit me
and my friend Archie.

113
00:05:31,122 --> 00:05:32,957
He sells car seat covers
in Rhode Island now.

114
00:05:33,082 --> 00:05:34,959
He's doing pretty well.

115
00:05:35,127 --> 00:05:36,420
Max, why are you

116
00:05:36,502 --> 00:05:39,673
dragging ass on the night
I'm supposed to get some?

117
00:05:39,798 --> 00:05:43,468
Stop talking about sex
wearing that body. It's gross.

118
00:05:48,182 --> 00:05:49,475
(CAR HORN HONKING)

119
00:05:50,975 --> 00:05:53,644
We've been stuck in traffic
for, like, an hour.

120
00:05:53,771 --> 00:05:56,355
I could have had
37 Guinness' by now.

121
00:05:56,523 --> 00:05:59,860
And broken the Guinness World Record
for most Guinness'.

122
00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:02,028
Is this cab even moving?

123
00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:04,363
Is that a new McDonald's
or the same one?

124
00:06:04,490 --> 00:06:07,951
It's the same one, unless that bum's
on a masturbation tour of Manhattan.

125
00:06:08,911 --> 00:06:12,247
Come on! Make 'em move!
Hit the horn again!

126
00:06:12,331 --> 00:06:13,206
(HONKING)

127
00:06:13,581 --> 00:06:17,418
If you touch my horn again,
I cut your hand off!

128
00:06:17,543 --> 00:06:18,795
Okay, big shot.

129
00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:21,714
Do it. Do it,
if it'll get us there faster.

130
00:06:22,757 --> 00:06:26,677
Look, I know I said I'd spring
for a cab, but it's 70 dollars!

131
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,846
And I'm gonna need that
for a junior-king room

132
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:30,348
at the Holiday Inn Express!

133
00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:33,143
Don't worry, Han, we'll chip in.

134
00:06:33,268 --> 00:06:36,021
No, we won't.
We need that 356 dollars.

135
00:06:36,146 --> 00:06:37,480
That's all we made today.

136
00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:41,151
It has to last till we're 82.
This is our funeral money, Max.

137
00:06:41,276 --> 00:06:43,319
Don't worry, we'll make more money.

138
00:06:43,444 --> 00:06:45,238
Not much more, but a little bit.

139
00:06:46,824 --> 00:06:47,783
Damn it!

140
00:06:47,865 --> 00:06:50,076
I can hear
the bagpipers coming this way.

141
00:06:50,244 --> 00:06:54,081
They're playing Closing Time.
That means the parade's over.

142
00:06:54,206 --> 00:06:56,125
Now I'm never gonna
sell the pee funnels.

143
00:06:56,207 --> 00:06:58,752
All right, I've got to
move some T-shirts.

144
00:06:58,793 --> 00:06:59,920
Heads up, peoples!

145
00:07:00,002 --> 00:07:03,257
"Kiss me I'm Irish"
crotch tees. Fifteen dollars.

146
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,675
Or two for 25! Five for 60!

147
00:07:05,843 --> 00:07:07,427
You nobody!

148
00:07:08,803 --> 00:07:10,973
You can't sell those out the window.

149
00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:13,141
That's illegal.
You need a permit!

150
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:14,851
Just drive, Grandma.

151
00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:16,562
I can't believe
you call yourself Russian.

152
00:07:16,644 --> 00:07:19,105
Doesn't seem like
you're rushin' anywhere.

153
00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:22,608
You say that again,
and I'll cut your tongue out!

154
00:07:22,733 --> 00:07:24,485
Oh, now you're gonna
cut out my tongue?

155
00:07:24,569 --> 00:07:27,906
Why do you want to punish all
the women in the Tri-state area?

156
00:07:29,658 --> 00:07:32,161
(BAGPIPES PLAYING)
Look, oh, my God, it's Earl!

157
00:07:33,536 --> 00:07:35,122
Earl, what're you doing here?

158
00:07:36,331 --> 00:07:37,707
Hey, y'all!
(BAGPIPES STOP)

159
00:07:37,832 --> 00:07:41,127
This is my bagpipe group Black Irish.

160
00:07:41,252 --> 00:07:43,297
I'm black, they're Irish.

161
00:07:43,422 --> 00:07:46,175
Why didn't you tell us
you were coming to the parade?

162
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:50,512
Well, I kinda like to keep
my skirt wearing on the DL.

163
00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:53,389
When did you learn
how to play bagpipes?

164
00:07:53,557 --> 00:07:56,143
I do not know.

165
00:07:56,268 --> 00:07:59,605
I took too much acid once,
and, when the trip ended,

166
00:07:59,730 --> 00:08:03,274
I could play the bagpipes
and drive a stick.

167
00:08:03,399 --> 00:08:06,444
I'll catch up with you at Blarney's.
(BAGPIPES BEGIN AGAIN)

168
00:08:10,281 --> 00:08:13,242
Han, pay the man.
It's ten blocks away. We can walk.

169
00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:15,245
-In these shoes?
-In these shoes?

170
00:08:21,125 --> 00:08:22,418
Urgh, green beer.

171
00:08:22,586 --> 00:08:24,463
Is this really how
we honor the Irish,

172
00:08:24,588 --> 00:08:26,255
some of our greatest
writers and poets?

173
00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:27,798
Oh, did they come up with,

174
00:08:27,925 --> 00:08:31,011
"If you sprinkle when you tinkle,
be a sweetie, wipe the seatie?"

175
00:08:31,762 --> 00:08:35,557
First of all, not a real poem.

176
00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:38,100
And as the person
who shares your bathroom,

177
00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:40,604
maybe take that advice.

178
00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:44,607
Maybe take that frown
and get it drunk.

179
00:08:44,732 --> 00:08:47,860
Okay, sure, we're two
young girls on the town,

180
00:08:47,985 --> 00:08:50,279
on what's probably America's
most dangerous holiday.

181
00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:53,408
Why have our wits about us?

182
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:55,369
That's the spirit.

183
00:08:55,494 --> 00:08:58,038
And who knows?
Maybe you'll meet a cute, Irish guy.

184
00:08:58,163 --> 00:09:00,999
(IRISH ACCENT) Happy St. Paddy's Day!

185
00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:02,500
Blarney Bill.

186
00:09:02,625 --> 00:09:05,544
Are you the owner of this
colorful establishment?

187
00:09:05,671 --> 00:09:08,298
I'm not even
the owner of these pants.

188
00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:10,967
Where's me kiss?

189
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,804
Blarney Bill is like
the mascot of this place.

190
00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:16,639
Every year I kiss him for good luck.

191
00:09:16,807 --> 00:09:19,100
And when does that luck kick in?

192
00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:20,644
Where's me kiss?

193
00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:23,522
I left it in me other purse?

194
00:09:26,649 --> 00:09:30,403
Wow. That's a wet moustache.

195
00:09:30,528 --> 00:09:32,530
Scotch and fish.

196
00:09:32,655 --> 00:09:34,448
What?

197
00:09:34,573 --> 00:09:36,368
That's why it's wet!

198
00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:40,956
Man, he's the best.

199
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:43,082
The best what?

200
00:09:43,375 --> 00:09:45,001
Hey, girls!

201
00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:47,379
Sold my last shirt.

202
00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:49,840
Told you that small would fit.

203
00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:56,304
Look at Han at that table
with all those...

204
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:58,639
I want to say "girls..."

205
00:09:58,764 --> 00:10:00,600
waiting to take pictures with him.

206
00:10:00,725 --> 00:10:02,519
Becca!

207
00:10:03,019 --> 00:10:04,354
Becca!

208
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:06,981
Over here.

209
00:10:07,106 --> 00:10:08,984
Oh, no, you're not Becca.

210
00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:10,192
Hey, though.

211
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,528
Oh, my God. You look so much like
my friend Becca.

212
00:10:12,696 --> 00:10:14,614
Are you guys in line to take pictures
with the leprechaun?

213
00:10:14,740 --> 00:10:16,365
-No.
-Five dollars.

214
00:10:16,490 --> 00:10:17,366
Wait, what?

215
00:10:17,533 --> 00:10:20,870
Yes, we are the leprechaun's
McAgent and McManager.

216
00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:23,206
It'll be five dollars to take
a selfie with the leprechaun.

217
00:10:23,331 --> 00:10:24,332
That is a great deal.

218
00:10:26,168 --> 00:10:28,378
Max, I am not doing this.

219
00:10:28,544 --> 00:10:32,298
Fine. Then we'll have to use the
cupcake money for our cab home.

220
00:10:32,423 --> 00:10:34,884
Okay, that there
is virgin leprechaun.

221
00:10:35,052 --> 00:10:36,677
So it's ten dollars.

222
00:10:36,802 --> 00:10:39,806
Ten for a picture, 15 for a kiss,
nothing below the waist.

223
00:10:39,931 --> 00:10:42,517
That's because there's
nothing below the waist.

224
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:44,644
Will you take a 20?

225
00:10:44,769 --> 00:10:46,270
I mean, I guess.

226
00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:52,527
Just so you know,
if you're an orphan, I'm interested.

227
00:10:56,365 --> 00:10:58,450
Are you over here
making money off of me,

228
00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:00,284
you wolves of Wall Street?

229
00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:03,245
We're just taking advantage
of drunk people.

230
00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:04,748
It's a St. Paddy's tradition,

231
00:11:04,873 --> 00:11:07,250
like corned beef or punching a cop.

232
00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:11,254
Well, then maybe you can get
them to take advantage of me.

233
00:11:11,421 --> 00:11:14,633
Get a little handsy on Han-sy.

234
00:11:14,758 --> 00:11:17,094
I've got my eye
on that buxom paralegal.

235
00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:21,556
The one over there who
brought in outside chicken?

236
00:11:24,558 --> 00:11:26,061
Hook daddy up!

237
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,770
So I'm going up to the woman

238
00:11:27,895 --> 00:11:30,273
who brought her own
two-liter of Coke to a bar...

239
00:11:32,109 --> 00:11:35,236
...to ask her for money to touch you.

240
00:11:35,736 --> 00:11:36,988
That's the gist.

241
00:11:38,782 --> 00:11:41,283
What's happened to my life?
Where am I?

242
00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:43,120
Blarney's!

243
00:11:43,245 --> 00:11:45,580
-Oh, God, it's Blarney Bill.
-Hey, that's my name!

244
00:11:45,788 --> 00:11:48,165
-Where's me kiss?
-Oh, well, I--

245
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:51,461
I have to go to the ladies' room

246
00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:53,296
and wash whatever
is on my mouth and in my mouth

247
00:11:53,462 --> 00:11:55,631
off my mouth
and out of my mouth.

248
00:11:58,884 --> 00:12:01,388
We've been in this line so long,
now I actually have to pee.

249
00:12:01,513 --> 00:12:04,349
Max, are you eating chicken?

250
00:12:05,475 --> 00:12:07,226
She didn't have
ten bucks to tickle Han,

251
00:12:07,351 --> 00:12:09,520
so she paid me in purse chicken.

252
00:12:10,522 --> 00:12:12,274
I think I came out ahead.

253
00:12:13,984 --> 00:12:16,610
Sorry, back of the line.
No cuts.

254
00:12:16,735 --> 00:12:18,447
Please. I'm feeling sick.

255
00:12:18,572 --> 00:12:22,075
Sorry, no cuts,
no buts, no coconuts.

256
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:24,827
Is that one of those
famous Irish poems too?

257
00:12:24,952 --> 00:12:27,288
I totally understand.
Yeah, I get it.

258
00:12:27,413 --> 00:12:29,791
Just let her cut.
It's St. Patrick's Day.

259
00:12:29,875 --> 00:12:31,042
She's having fun.

260
00:12:31,125 --> 00:12:33,836
Not to bring up my St. Patrick's Day
tradition at The Plaza--

261
00:12:34,004 --> 00:12:35,337
Oh, good.

262
00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:37,841
But it was so much better
than this place.

263
00:12:37,966 --> 00:12:39,509
I mean, there were no lines.

264
00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:43,429
We'd sit like non-animals in
The Palm Court and sip Bellinis.

265
00:12:43,554 --> 00:12:46,307
I'm taking you to palm court
if you tell that story one more time.

266
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,269
Guys.

267
00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:51,187
I just threw up.

268
00:12:56,610 --> 00:13:00,822
And you're carrying it around
like a baby chick?

269
00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:03,033
I--I think I'm gonna need some water.

270
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:05,910
I have to drive
a school bus in four hours.

271
00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:10,956
You're a great American.

272
00:13:11,081 --> 00:13:13,375
I know what I am.

273
00:13:14,168 --> 00:13:15,586
(BILL SHOUTING)

274
00:13:16,046 --> 00:13:19,548
-Where's me kiss?
-She has it.

275
00:13:22,009 --> 00:13:23,385
Dodged a bullet.

276
00:13:31,727 --> 00:13:33,062
Bullet found you.

277
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:43,822
Come on. I have to find
another bathroom.

278
00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:45,741
I'm not peeing
anywhere near Blarney Bill.

279
00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:49,495
I don't want him to find "me kiss"
when I have me pants down.

280
00:13:51,121 --> 00:13:53,250
I gave him your number.
Is that cool?

281
00:13:53,415 --> 00:13:56,461
Oh, no. I don't think
I'm gonna make it.

282
00:13:56,586 --> 00:13:59,213
You mean in life?
Yeah, me neither.

283
00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:01,841
No, it's all that green beer.

284
00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:04,635
And if I wet myself
here on 53rd Street,

285
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:06,721
I'll be forced to abandon you,
move to the Midwest,

286
00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:08,306
and start a new life.

287
00:14:08,431 --> 00:14:10,600
I have a bathroom you can use.

288
00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:13,102
Wait. Sorry, there's
a little chicken in it.

289
00:14:14,895 --> 00:14:17,356
I've hit some very
low points today,

290
00:14:17,481 --> 00:14:20,652
but I'm not about to pee
through a paper penis in public.

291
00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:23,947
Here, quick, just pop-a-squat
over here behind the float,

292
00:14:24,114 --> 00:14:25,615
(BAND PLAYING)
I'll block you so no one will see,

293
00:14:25,740 --> 00:14:27,325
and the 15 high school
marching bands will

294
00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:29,786
mask the sound of you
hitting rock bottom.

295
00:14:29,911 --> 00:14:32,205
Gimme that thing.

296
00:14:32,330 --> 00:14:33,456
Damn it, Max. Damn it!

297
00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:35,292
How do I do this?

298
00:14:35,417 --> 00:14:39,254
Well, I do have my master's
in public urination from DeVry.

299
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:42,756
Just unzip, put it in your pants,
and let a river run through it.

300
00:14:42,881 --> 00:14:45,176
-No one's looking, right?
-Nope.

301
00:14:45,302 --> 00:14:46,385
(ENGINE STARTS UP)

302
00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:53,475
(POLISH ACCENT) Hi, Caroline.

303
00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:59,316
Sophie, you were in the parade?

304
00:14:59,481 --> 00:15:00,942
Of course I was.

305
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:02,693
You can't be a volunteer firefighter

306
00:15:02,818 --> 00:15:04,696
without being in the parade.

307
00:15:04,821 --> 00:15:07,115
You're a volunteer firefighter?

308
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:11,119
Well, I do go down
to the station voluntarily.

309
00:15:11,995 --> 00:15:14,663
Besides, every
fire station needs a Pole,

310
00:15:14,788 --> 00:15:16,750
and I'm it, baby.

311
00:15:16,875 --> 00:15:19,336
Anyway, we're all going to Blarney's.

312
00:15:19,501 --> 00:15:20,629
Shots on me.

313
00:15:20,754 --> 00:15:24,506
And by that I mean shots on me.

314
00:15:24,673 --> 00:15:25,924
(CHEERING)

315
00:15:26,717 --> 00:15:28,427
Come on.

316
00:15:28,470 --> 00:15:30,804
When the firemen's Pole
offers you drinks, you say yes.

317
00:15:30,929 --> 00:15:33,182
Max, I am not going back in there.

318
00:15:33,350 --> 00:15:36,019
In fact, I'm treating you
to a drink at The Plaza.

319
00:15:36,186 --> 00:15:38,145
You know that money we were
saving for our funeral?

320
00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:42,024
That's no longer an issue
because I just died right there.

321
00:15:42,192 --> 00:15:43,652
Rest in pee, Caroline.

322
00:15:50,325 --> 00:15:52,118
Look, Max, our Bellinis.

323
00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:54,245
Thank you, Claude.

324
00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:57,039
He's a Plaza institution.

325
00:15:57,206 --> 00:16:00,168
And I just remembered
his name is Rolf.

326
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:01,919
You forgot the name Rolf?

327
00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:04,547
After we just saw
a girl do that in her hands?

328
00:16:04,673 --> 00:16:06,298
Isn't it lovely here?

329
00:16:06,423 --> 00:16:09,177
Less Blarney's, more Barney's.

330
00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:11,221
And trust me,
these Bellinis are famous.

331
00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:14,640
Why? Did they make a sex tape?

332
00:16:14,765 --> 00:16:16,475
Kind of tastes like the time

333
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:19,312
I put canned peaches
in my boxed wine.

334
00:16:19,437 --> 00:16:23,482
Max, a Plaza Bellini
is a far cry from boxed wine.

335
00:16:23,607 --> 00:16:27,946
Well, my rule is, if I have
to refrigerate it, it's fancy.

336
00:16:28,071 --> 00:16:31,825
I'm talkin' to you, batteries.

337
00:16:33,368 --> 00:16:35,120
You know,
tonight is really bringing up

338
00:16:35,245 --> 00:16:36,578
how much I miss the old me.

339
00:16:36,705 --> 00:16:40,625
Yeah, tonight is really bringing up
how much I miss my friend Archie.

340
00:16:40,750 --> 00:16:42,000
Who?

341
00:16:42,126 --> 00:16:44,086
The guy you hit
with the champagne balloons.

342
00:16:44,254 --> 00:16:46,297
Sells car seat covers
in Rhode Island.

343
00:16:46,423 --> 00:16:48,549
You know how I said
he was doing really well?

344
00:16:48,674 --> 00:16:50,552
Truth is I haven't talked
to him in a year.

345
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,345
Really dropped the ball.

346
00:16:54,431 --> 00:16:56,725
And the most exciting thing
about this place...

347
00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:58,684
Those elevator doors can open,

348
00:16:58,809 --> 00:17:00,937
and you never know
who's gonna step off.

349
00:17:01,187 --> 00:17:02,187
(ELEVATOR DINGS)

350
00:17:08,778 --> 00:17:10,613
Max, this is nice.

351
00:17:12,490 --> 00:17:14,951
Max, this is boring.
What happened?

352
00:17:15,076 --> 00:17:17,287
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.

353
00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:20,957
Now I'm thinking maybe this wasn't
as much fun as I thought it was.

354
00:17:21,124 --> 00:17:23,292
Now I'm thinking Archie's dead.

355
00:17:25,795 --> 00:17:28,506
Because I feel like I got
a text about it and ignored it.

356
00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:32,676
Even this Bellini
doesn't taste as good.

357
00:17:32,801 --> 00:17:35,096
I knew it, my taste buds
must have committed suicide

358
00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:38,141
after my first 7-Eleven sushi.

359
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:41,144
I mean, nothing is the same.

360
00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:43,104
Why did I think this was fun?

361
00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:47,150
Because before you met me,
you didn't know what fun was.

362
00:17:47,275 --> 00:17:48,777
I get your point, Max,

363
00:17:48,902 --> 00:17:51,695
but I did own a Caribbean Island
with six jet skis.

364
00:17:51,820 --> 00:17:54,990
Oh, come on, get over it.
Drink up. It's not that bad.

365
00:17:55,115 --> 00:17:56,659
Can you just let me feel sad?

366
00:17:56,785 --> 00:18:00,204
No!
Not on St. Patrick's Day.

367
00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:03,458
You have a good time, and you
don't think about your problems.

368
00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:05,335
That girl who threw up in her hands,

369
00:18:05,460 --> 00:18:07,961
she didn't sit around saying,
"Eh, meh, my life sucks."

370
00:18:08,086 --> 00:18:10,048
No, she threw her hands in the air,

371
00:18:10,173 --> 00:18:12,090
hit a lot of people with the vomit,

372
00:18:12,217 --> 00:18:15,345
and kept the party going.

373
00:18:15,470 --> 00:18:18,556
Yeah, the party was
all over everybody's shoes.

374
00:18:18,681 --> 00:18:21,893
Look, it doesn't matter
that this is literally

375
00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:25,188
the stupidest place I've ever
been in my whole frickin' life.

376
00:18:25,355 --> 00:18:27,648
Let's get another 40 dollar
Roberto Benigni

377
00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:29,317
and keep our party going.

378
00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:32,737
Come on, let's go.
There's no party here.

379
00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:35,030
There may be a three million dollar
bat mitzvah happening upstairs,

380
00:18:35,155 --> 00:18:36,199
but there's no party here.

381
00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:37,616
But I do know where there is one.

382
00:18:37,741 --> 00:18:40,202
We'll just take the check, Rolf.

383
00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:42,622
And I just remembered,
his name is Dennis.

384
00:18:45,083 --> 00:18:46,334
(IRISH MUSIC PLAYING
IN BACKGROUND)

385
00:18:46,416 --> 00:18:49,295
Max, I'm sorry if I rained
on your parade today.

386
00:18:49,378 --> 00:18:50,421
Well, peed on it.

387
00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:52,257
Don't worry about it.

388
00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:55,218
Everything that means
something to me gets peed on.

389
00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:57,554
Hey, girls!
I heard you left!

390
00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:01,723
You missed me winning
the hula-hooping contest.

391
00:19:01,849 --> 00:19:03,768
When did you learn how to hula-hoop?

392
00:19:03,893 --> 00:19:07,313
Once again, I do not know.

393
00:19:07,689 --> 00:19:10,650
You're still rocking
the bagpipe ensemble.

394
00:19:10,732 --> 00:19:12,818
I thought you wanted to keep
your skirt wearing on the low-low.

395
00:19:12,943 --> 00:19:15,779
That was before I discovered
the sensation

396
00:19:15,904 --> 00:19:20,242
of a cool breeze circling
my bag and my pipe.

397
00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:25,414
Hey! Max, Caroline!

398
00:19:25,582 --> 00:19:27,916
Excuse me, move it.
Move it. Move it.

399
00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:31,086
Hey, move it.
Wanna break my big-ass clover?

400
00:19:31,253 --> 00:19:34,507
Girls, where did you go?

401
00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:37,093
We went to The Plaza,
and I realized my life

402
00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:39,596
may actually be richer now
than when I was rich.

403
00:19:39,761 --> 00:19:43,599
Oh, no.
Is it too late to walk away?

404
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,395
Can you girls loan me some cash?

405
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:50,440
I met a girl, and I need
money for the bus back

406
00:19:50,522 --> 00:19:53,567
from her sister's condo
in Jersey City.

407
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:57,572
She said we've got to be quiet,
but I'm making no promises.

408
00:19:57,697 --> 00:20:00,450
Sure. I gotcha, Han.
What do you need, a 20?

409
00:20:00,616 --> 00:20:03,118
Oh, what the hell? Take 50.
We can always make more.

410
00:20:03,243 --> 00:20:04,494
Or not.

411
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,372
Look at you throwing
the cash around.

412
00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:08,833
You know, girl, there might
be hope for you yet.

413
00:20:08,958 --> 00:20:11,461
Jeanine, I'm good to go.

414
00:20:14,212 --> 00:20:16,465
Told you, girls.
A 100 percent.

415
00:20:20,510 --> 00:20:24,265
Looks like they're both
gonna get unlucky tonight.

416
00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:27,477
Hey, Max, Caroline, over here!

417
00:20:27,602 --> 00:20:29,645
I saved you a couple of seats.

418
00:20:29,811 --> 00:20:31,564
And a couple of firemen.

419
00:20:33,982 --> 00:20:36,861
-There's no place to sit.
-Oh, you are so green.

420
00:20:38,613 --> 00:20:39,614
'Sup?

421
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:44,993
Happy St. Paddy's Day!
Where's me kiss?

422
00:20:45,369 --> 00:20:47,121
Oh, yeah...

423
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,375
(CROWD WHOOPING)

424
00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:53,544
Mmm!

425
00:20:54,295 --> 00:20:56,463
Scotch and fish!

426
00:21:01,134 --> 00:21:02,553
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

427
00:21:26,118 --> 00:21:28,121
(English US - SDH)