1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:03,670 Okay, Chestnut, it's time to play that game 2 00:00:03,754 --> 00:00:06,339 where we take shots while we pay our bills 3 00:00:06,506 --> 00:00:10,009 that Max so cleverly named, "that game where we take shots 4 00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:12,179 while we pay our bills." 5 00:00:12,221 --> 00:00:13,930 Hey, if you want me to think of a better name, 6 00:00:14,013 --> 00:00:15,682 we should probably stop taking shots 7 00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:17,350 while we pay our bills. 8 00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:20,019 If this bill says first warning, 9 00:00:20,146 --> 00:00:22,064 we take a shot, and Chestnut gets a carrot. 10 00:00:22,189 --> 00:00:23,106 If it's a final notice, 11 00:00:23,231 --> 00:00:26,152 Chestnut gets two carrots, and we take a double shot. 12 00:00:26,277 --> 00:00:28,153 And if it's gone into collections, 13 00:00:28,278 --> 00:00:30,780 we shoot ourselves, and Chestnut gets three carrots. 14 00:00:30,905 --> 00:00:34,201 And also, I'm gonna take shots whenever I want to. 15 00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:36,494 All right, only a couple bills to go 16 00:00:36,619 --> 00:00:38,371 and $149 to pay them. 17 00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:39,874 That's an odd number. Shot! 18 00:00:43,543 --> 00:00:46,380 Man, our electric bill is $72 19 00:00:46,505 --> 00:00:48,048 That's an even number. Shot! 20 00:00:51,426 --> 00:00:53,304 Next up, I have gas. 21 00:00:53,429 --> 00:00:55,472 Thanks for the heads-up this time. 22 00:00:56,848 --> 00:01:00,435 We have $77, and the bill's only 76.84. 23 00:01:00,895 --> 00:01:02,228 Numbers! Shot! 24 00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:05,775 This is the first time we've ever broken even. 25 00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:07,609 Wait, what do we do when we break even? 26 00:01:07,777 --> 00:01:08,778 Shots? 27 00:01:10,361 --> 00:01:12,281 (THEME MUSIC) 28 00:01:12,489 --> 00:01:13,990 (CASH REGISTER RINGS) 29 00:01:22,832 --> 00:01:25,168 I'm so proud we paid all our bills. 30 00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:28,838 And with actual American dollars this time. 31 00:01:28,963 --> 00:01:31,759 There might've been a couple of pesos in the mix, 32 00:01:31,884 --> 00:01:34,385 that or the nickel has a sweet new donkey. 33 00:01:36,013 --> 00:01:38,015 Look, girls, I got the new iPhone, 34 00:01:38,182 --> 00:01:40,893 and Siri thinks I'm hilarious. 35 00:01:41,018 --> 00:01:43,938 I hear that phone has a great camera for selfies. 36 00:01:44,063 --> 00:01:46,524 Or, in your case, elfies. 37 00:01:48,192 --> 00:01:49,734 Smile, Max. 38 00:01:50,194 --> 00:01:53,572 Nice. Hash tag, will die alone... 39 00:01:55,908 --> 00:01:58,284 Oh, already got a like. 40 00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:00,995 (POLISH ACCENT) Hey, everybody. 41 00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:05,209 Big news. 42 00:02:05,334 --> 00:02:08,920 I finally met the man of my dreams. 43 00:02:09,045 --> 00:02:12,007 Sophie, that's not news. You've known me for years. 44 00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:14,634 Oh, Earl, another place, 45 00:02:14,759 --> 00:02:16,469 another time, another woman, 46 00:02:16,594 --> 00:02:18,180 another man. 47 00:02:18,305 --> 00:02:21,224 Hey, girls, you better wipe down my booth. 48 00:02:21,349 --> 00:02:23,853 My boyfriend's parking his Lincoln outside. 49 00:02:23,978 --> 00:02:26,437 Yeah, he dropped me off first 'cause he's a class act, 50 00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:29,733 and because he had to put his pants back on. 51 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:33,987 There she is. There's my peanut. 52 00:02:34,737 --> 00:02:38,116 You hear that? He calls me his peanut. 53 00:02:39,576 --> 00:02:42,913 Holy crap, she's look even prettier than the last time I saw her. 54 00:02:43,247 --> 00:02:47,418 What'd you do, get some beauty creams on the way from the car to the diner? 55 00:02:49,127 --> 00:02:50,753 Oh, maybe. 56 00:02:51,504 --> 00:02:54,216 Sophie, it's nice to see you so giddy about something. 57 00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:56,218 Yeah, you're like me sitting on that broken washer 58 00:02:56,343 --> 00:02:58,344 at the Laundromat. 59 00:02:58,469 --> 00:03:01,098 I'm Nicky, but my friends call me 60 00:03:01,264 --> 00:03:04,225 when they need money. 61 00:03:04,475 --> 00:03:05,436 (CHUCKLES) 62 00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:06,770 I'm Caroline. This is Max. 63 00:03:06,937 --> 00:03:09,772 I'm gonna ask you the same question I ask every guy around your age. 64 00:03:09,939 --> 00:03:11,025 Are you my dad? 65 00:03:12,318 --> 00:03:13,568 Maybe one of you dolls can get me 66 00:03:13,776 --> 00:03:16,030 a glass of water to wash down my Tums? 67 00:03:16,155 --> 00:03:19,033 Sexy and he has an ulcer. 68 00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:22,161 Sure, I'll go get you some menus and the wine list. 69 00:03:22,286 --> 00:03:24,496 Don't get excited. That's just a list of everything 70 00:03:24,579 --> 00:03:26,915 Caroline's whined about in the last year. 71 00:03:27,625 --> 00:03:31,836 What's up with Robert de Zero over there? 72 00:03:31,961 --> 00:03:33,796 I used to have a leather jacket like that. 73 00:03:33,963 --> 00:03:37,509 Then I realized, when you have the right to bare arms, 74 00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:39,637 you bare them, baby. 75 00:03:41,013 --> 00:03:42,555 (BELL DINGS) Omelet. Pick up. 76 00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:46,393 I think Oleg just got jealous. 77 00:03:46,518 --> 00:03:50,063 I think Oleg just got underarm dandruff in these eggs. 78 00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:52,483 Enjoy. 79 00:03:52,650 --> 00:03:53,984 Here are your menus, 80 00:03:54,151 --> 00:03:56,736 and we're out of everything in the pictures since 1974. 81 00:03:56,861 --> 00:03:58,739 So the little girl smiling eating a waffle, 82 00:03:58,864 --> 00:04:02,617 she's a grandma now, and she calls Penn Station home. 83 00:04:03,451 --> 00:04:05,829 Here you go, dolls, for your trouble. 84 00:04:05,955 --> 00:04:09,875 A 100 bucks? It's like free money. 85 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,502 Can you imagine what he would've given us 86 00:04:11,627 --> 00:04:14,170 if the glasses were clean? 87 00:04:14,337 --> 00:04:16,339 All this money and I didn't even do anything. 88 00:04:16,464 --> 00:04:20,761 I'm one mustache away from being a Kardashian. 89 00:04:20,886 --> 00:04:22,846 Yeah, Nicky's a big-shot bookie 90 00:04:23,012 --> 00:04:24,555 with a Yorkie and a membership 91 00:04:24,682 --> 00:04:27,016 to the VIP lounge at the race track. 92 00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:29,812 A Yorkie and a green leather jacket? 93 00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:32,230 Are you even real? 94 00:04:32,355 --> 00:04:35,274 I love horse racing. I used to go to the track all the time, 95 00:04:35,358 --> 00:04:38,153 and not to brag, but I do own a thoroughbred. 96 00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:39,571 Oh, yeah, she does. 97 00:04:39,697 --> 00:04:43,992 I see it eating out of the garbage can from my window. 98 00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:46,036 Here, that's Chestnut. 99 00:04:46,202 --> 00:04:48,538 That's a beauty, but not as much a beauty 100 00:04:48,663 --> 00:04:50,374 as my peanut right here. 101 00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:52,750 Oh, he just compared me to a horse, 102 00:04:52,875 --> 00:04:55,211 but I like it anyway. 103 00:04:57,213 --> 00:04:58,507 Why don't you two dolls join us 104 00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:00,466 at the track's Turf Club some afternoon? 105 00:05:00,591 --> 00:05:02,720 Oh, we're busy, and it's all the way out in-- 106 00:05:02,845 --> 00:05:04,762 -Are you paying? -Of course. 107 00:05:04,887 --> 00:05:06,432 Oh, then, we're there. 108 00:05:06,598 --> 00:05:10,226 -In fact, can we go right now? -Yeah, we're not doing anything. 109 00:05:17,483 --> 00:05:20,987 Max, look, the Turf Club. 110 00:05:21,112 --> 00:05:23,740 Us way up here, the horses down there on the track 111 00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:26,117 being forced into their starting gates. 112 00:05:26,242 --> 00:05:27,577 This is so exciting. 113 00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:32,249 Girl, we've been here 30 seconds, 114 00:05:32,415 --> 00:05:34,418 and you already blew your bugle. 115 00:05:34,543 --> 00:05:36,586 Pace yourself. 116 00:05:36,754 --> 00:05:39,213 Max, Caroline, over here! 117 00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:42,593 Wow, I haven't seen Sophie this happy 118 00:05:42,718 --> 00:05:46,055 since that girl slipped on the ice in front of our building. 119 00:05:46,221 --> 00:05:48,307 That girl was me, Max. 120 00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:51,560 And I really hurt my coccyx. 121 00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:55,189 You have a coccyx? You want to go out sometime? 122 00:05:55,314 --> 00:05:56,689 Hey, girls. 123 00:05:56,814 --> 00:05:59,151 Come on, Peanut. Get a little closer to me. 124 00:05:59,276 --> 00:06:00,694 Closer. Little closer. 125 00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:03,112 Closer. Little closer. 126 00:06:03,237 --> 00:06:06,074 What can I say, girls? I can't get close enough. 127 00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:09,745 Do you hear that? He can't get close enough. 128 00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:11,454 Thank you so much for inviting us. 129 00:06:11,622 --> 00:06:13,749 It feels great to be back at the track again. 130 00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:16,668 Horse racing is, after all, the sport of kings. 131 00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:20,172 I'm more interested in the sport of king crab legs right over there. 132 00:06:20,422 --> 00:06:22,591 So, is this an all-you-can-eat deal here, 133 00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:25,552 -or will a waiter come drag me away? -Knock yourself out. 134 00:06:25,677 --> 00:06:27,846 How much could a girl like you possibly eat? 135 00:06:27,971 --> 00:06:31,141 You know how a cobra can swallow an entire pig? 136 00:06:34,185 --> 00:06:35,437 It's like that. 137 00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:38,606 Hey, Caroline, you want two or three? 138 00:06:38,731 --> 00:06:43,112 So, Max tells me you met at 24 Hour Fitness 24 hours ago. 139 00:06:43,237 --> 00:06:46,656 Yes, he spotted me in a handstand. 140 00:06:48,617 --> 00:06:50,326 Nicky, who am I gonna bet on? 141 00:06:50,451 --> 00:06:53,663 Who do you like, besides me? 142 00:06:53,788 --> 00:06:57,084 Sophie, go with Mess in a Dress. She had great morning sprints, 143 00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:59,795 first-time blinkers, jockey weighed in a pound under, 144 00:06:59,836 --> 00:07:02,505 and at the Preakness, she was second in seven furlongs, 145 00:07:02,630 --> 00:07:04,173 and this race is only six furlongs. 146 00:07:04,341 --> 00:07:06,509 Yeah, you're talking for long. 147 00:07:06,677 --> 00:07:09,428 Yeah, I think I'm gonna go with number three, 148 00:07:09,555 --> 00:07:13,641 -My Uncle Hank. -My Uncle Hank? He's out of jail? 149 00:07:13,809 --> 00:07:16,853 Yeah, we should probably eat this and head out. 150 00:07:17,019 --> 00:07:19,773 Oh, see, that's my horse. My horse, Uncle Hank. 151 00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:21,858 And look, see? He just pooped. 152 00:07:21,983 --> 00:07:23,610 He's trying to get away from it. 153 00:07:23,735 --> 00:07:26,237 I know about that. That's how I am. 154 00:07:27,406 --> 00:07:31,576 Got to make the donuts, but first, give me that kisses, sister. 155 00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:34,745 (GUSHES) So romantic. 156 00:07:34,872 --> 00:07:36,747 Max, maybe we should get in on the action. 157 00:07:36,874 --> 00:07:40,168 No, that's a lot of tongue for me. 158 00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:43,045 No, I meant place a bet. 159 00:07:43,172 --> 00:07:46,382 And, Max, I think I'm in a three-way. 160 00:07:46,550 --> 00:07:48,593 Well, you look exactly the way I imagined 161 00:07:48,718 --> 00:07:51,762 you'd look in a three-way. Reading. 162 00:07:51,889 --> 00:07:54,975 Come on, we have that free money, 163 00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:56,726 and you love to gamble. 164 00:07:56,851 --> 00:08:00,480 Yeah, but nothing stupid, just, like, not using a condom. 165 00:08:00,605 --> 00:08:02,565 Oh, what the hell? 166 00:08:02,733 --> 00:08:04,401 Wait, wait, Nicky, Nicky, here. 167 00:08:04,526 --> 00:08:06,737 Here's your money. Two hundred on Mess in a Dress. 168 00:08:06,903 --> 00:08:11,742 Oh, wait, I think I have a mess in my dress. 169 00:08:11,908 --> 00:08:15,870 You got it, doll, and I'm sending over some of those special popovers. 170 00:08:16,038 --> 00:08:19,249 Sophie, make sure you get one. 171 00:08:19,415 --> 00:08:21,418 Oh, do you hear that? 172 00:08:21,543 --> 00:08:25,963 There's gonna be a ring in one of those popovers. 173 00:08:26,088 --> 00:08:27,591 I didn't hear any of that. 174 00:08:27,757 --> 00:08:29,718 Well, why else would someone order popovers 175 00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:32,721 unless they were gonna hide a ring in it? 176 00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:36,557 I just ate the entire cast of Finding Nemo . 177 00:08:36,682 --> 00:08:37,934 I'm not saying I'm sick. 178 00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:40,854 I'm just saying that clown fish wants out. 179 00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:43,523 Afternoon, ladies. Enjoy the popovers. 180 00:08:43,649 --> 00:08:46,275 And are you finished with that? 181 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:48,153 Let's just say it's finished with me. 182 00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:49,071 (BELL RINGING) 183 00:08:49,111 --> 00:08:50,113 And they're off. 184 00:08:50,154 --> 00:08:53,241 -This is so exciting. -I know. I wonder which one it's in. 185 00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:56,912 Oh. Oh, not that one. 186 00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,789 All right. Whoops, not that one. 187 00:08:59,914 --> 00:09:04,001 Look, look, there's our horse, Mess in a Dress. She's in the lead. 188 00:09:04,126 --> 00:09:06,629 Oh, no, not that one. 189 00:09:06,754 --> 00:09:09,841 -Yes, yes, yes. -No, no, no. 190 00:09:10,341 --> 00:09:12,094 COMMENTATOR: And the winner is Mess in a Dress. 191 00:09:13,261 --> 00:09:16,807 -We won! We won. -Are we being winners right now? 192 00:09:16,974 --> 00:09:18,475 I don't know how to be that. 193 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,977 Suddenly I don't know what to do with my hands. 194 00:09:21,102 --> 00:09:22,312 Nothing. 195 00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:24,313 I mean, who in the hell would order popovers 196 00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:27,567 and not hide a diamond ring in it? 197 00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:31,571 Here you go, dolls. Six big ones. 198 00:09:33,197 --> 00:09:36,994 Max, this is incredible. We had 200, and now we have 600. 199 00:09:37,159 --> 00:09:38,327 Even more free money. 200 00:09:38,412 --> 00:09:40,038 (HUMS HORSE RACING FANFARE) 201 00:09:41,038 --> 00:09:42,874 And, waiter, bring my peanut 202 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:44,793 one of those banana splits. 203 00:09:46,168 --> 00:09:47,796 You hear that? 204 00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:51,508 There's a diamond ring in the bottom of the banana split. 205 00:09:52,341 --> 00:09:54,594 And, Leon, for your trouble. 206 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:56,053 Really? A hundred? 207 00:09:56,178 --> 00:09:59,015 Yup, I was a waitress before I was rich. 208 00:09:59,182 --> 00:10:00,517 And also after that fish, 209 00:10:00,683 --> 00:10:02,769 I might need you to carry me to the subway. 210 00:10:14,155 --> 00:10:15,240 Whoever that is going through my pants, 211 00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:17,033 you should know I have a gun. 212 00:10:17,576 --> 00:10:19,327 Max, it's me, Caroline. 213 00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,996 Why do you think I bought the gun? 214 00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:24,499 Okay, Max, you know how today 215 00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:27,793 we won 600 on our 200 after just that one horse race? 216 00:10:27,918 --> 00:10:29,504 Yeah, that was weird, but not as weird 217 00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:31,255 as waking up to see you standing in the dark 218 00:10:31,380 --> 00:10:33,174 going to third base with my pants. 219 00:10:33,341 --> 00:10:35,677 If I bet our winnings with the three-to-one odds 220 00:10:35,844 --> 00:10:36,927 on this horse tomorrow, 221 00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:38,679 do you know how much I can make us? 222 00:10:38,846 --> 00:10:41,892 Let's see. Two, carry the one.... Get out. 223 00:10:42,017 --> 00:10:44,436 I have the racing form right back here. 224 00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:46,520 Don't bring that over here. That's been near your crack. 225 00:10:46,645 --> 00:10:49,441 See? Right here. First race tomorrow. There She Blows. 226 00:10:49,691 --> 00:10:51,275 If she's blowing that early in the morning, 227 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,445 she deserves our money. 228 00:10:53,570 --> 00:10:54,904 I've done all the research 229 00:10:55,029 --> 00:10:56,530 and checked it with Chestnut. 230 00:10:56,697 --> 00:10:58,616 It's a sure thing, like the sun coming up tomorrow, 231 00:10:58,741 --> 00:11:02,703 or that Somali pirate never getting another acting job again. 232 00:11:02,870 --> 00:11:05,331 You go out and get addicted to horse racing 233 00:11:05,456 --> 00:11:06,707 after I worked so hard 234 00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:09,211 to put pills and weed on the table? 235 00:11:09,378 --> 00:11:11,546 I am not addicted. 236 00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:14,341 Now, where's your cash? Because it wasn't in your piggy bank, 237 00:11:14,466 --> 00:11:16,509 which someone, not me, broke. 238 00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:20,514 You think you don't have a problem? Then, fine, you can have the money. 239 00:11:20,554 --> 00:11:23,225 -You won't be sorry. Where is it? -In my bra. 240 00:11:23,392 --> 00:11:26,102 -Where's your bra? -On my boobs. 241 00:11:26,269 --> 00:11:28,145 -You sleep in your bra? -Have to. 242 00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:30,816 Last time I let them out at night, they didn't come home till 4:00 AM, 243 00:11:30,941 --> 00:11:32,234 and couldn't tell me where they'd been. 244 00:11:34,693 --> 00:11:36,196 Max, just take it out of there, please. 245 00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:38,072 Nope, I'll tell you what I tell every guy 246 00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:39,658 who wants to get in there. 247 00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:43,912 It's 12 bucks for adults and 10.50 for seniors. 248 00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,913 Fine, I'm doing this for both of us. 249 00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:49,918 Still think you don't have a problem? 250 00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:54,755 Gees, where is it? Is there a map or a tour guide? 251 00:11:54,965 --> 00:11:58,092 Coming up on your left. You're about 20 minutes away. 252 00:11:58,259 --> 00:12:01,221 It's quite a walk. You might want to take the tram. 253 00:12:01,346 --> 00:12:04,057 -Got it. -Feel good about yourself? 254 00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:06,268 I will after that race tomorrow. 255 00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:08,102 And I promise I'll never do that again. 256 00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:10,688 That's what my Uncle Hank said. 257 00:12:10,813 --> 00:12:13,357 No, I meant I'll never ask you for money again. 258 00:12:13,482 --> 00:12:15,317 That's what Uncle Hank's wife said. 259 00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:16,570 No more gambling. 260 00:12:16,695 --> 00:12:19,739 Now I feel like you read the transcript of Uncle Hank's case. 261 00:12:19,865 --> 00:12:21,950 Oh, wait, you forgot some. 262 00:12:22,116 --> 00:12:24,411 Just kidding, it's late, and it felt kind of good. 263 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,668 Max, I hope Caroline gets here soon, 264 00:12:32,793 --> 00:12:35,797 because if that girl walks in one full-hour late, 265 00:12:35,963 --> 00:12:38,133 I'll have to respect the hell out of her. 266 00:12:38,299 --> 00:12:40,051 She's still at the track, 267 00:12:40,177 --> 00:12:42,303 and I'm dying to know how our horse did. 268 00:12:42,471 --> 00:12:43,596 So much suspense. 269 00:12:43,721 --> 00:12:45,807 I feel like I should be peeing on a stick. 270 00:12:45,974 --> 00:12:48,058 You girls are still playing the horses. 271 00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:51,145 Keep that in check. My gambling problem got so bad 272 00:12:51,270 --> 00:12:53,856 I couldn't even afford my drug problem. 273 00:12:56,485 --> 00:12:59,236 -You're back! So how did we do? -We did great. 274 00:12:59,403 --> 00:13:02,072 -We won our bet on There She Blows. -Yes! How much did we get? 275 00:13:02,157 --> 00:13:04,951 Are we talking "add avocado" money? 276 00:13:05,659 --> 00:13:09,663 Well, we did do great, and then we did not great. 277 00:13:09,788 --> 00:13:13,293 And then we did bad, and then we did real bad. 278 00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:15,836 And then we did terrible. 279 00:13:15,961 --> 00:13:19,673 Long story short, I'm out of Tums, and we owe Nicky $3,000. 280 00:13:19,798 --> 00:13:22,510 You... You owe Nicky. 281 00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:24,178 When I got addicted to Pizza Pringles, 282 00:13:24,346 --> 00:13:26,222 I didn't make it your problem. 283 00:13:26,347 --> 00:13:30,434 Your breath made it all our problems. 284 00:13:30,559 --> 00:13:33,020 Max, Nicky's not, like, dangerous, is he? 285 00:13:33,145 --> 00:13:35,690 I bet he's not, but even if he is, don't worry. 286 00:13:35,774 --> 00:13:39,610 You can survive in the trunk of a Lincoln for five, six days easy. 287 00:13:39,653 --> 00:13:41,613 Max, I know I can make all of this money back 288 00:13:41,738 --> 00:13:44,573 if I just win one more race. I just need a sure thing. 289 00:13:44,698 --> 00:13:47,034 There is no such thing as a sure thing, 290 00:13:47,201 --> 00:13:50,246 except my mother never picking me up from school. 291 00:13:50,371 --> 00:13:52,039 Look, there are two horses tomorrow 292 00:13:52,164 --> 00:13:53,707 that look really good, 293 00:13:53,832 --> 00:13:56,836 Buck That and Little House on the Gary. 294 00:13:56,961 --> 00:13:59,172 Little House on the Gary. That's my friend Eddie's horse. 295 00:13:59,297 --> 00:14:00,506 We don't have time to pretend 296 00:14:00,631 --> 00:14:02,551 you have a friend named Eddie right now. 297 00:14:02,676 --> 00:14:04,134 I do. Eddie Jones. 298 00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:06,221 He's a famous jockey. We met at the tailor. 299 00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:09,515 We got to talking as we were both having our jeans hemmed. 300 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:12,726 Where'd you buy them, JC Puny? 301 00:14:12,894 --> 00:14:15,563 Han, please, you have to help me. You have to talk to your friend, 302 00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:17,190 and get me the scoop on the race tomorrow. 303 00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:21,027 Okay, I'll help on one condition. No more short jokes from Max. 304 00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:23,697 She can do that. You can do that, right, Max? Don't answer. 305 00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:26,700 -No more short jokes starting right-- -Okay, wait, but first, 306 00:14:26,825 --> 00:14:28,743 didn't I see you on a baby food jar? 307 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,452 A mouse set a trap for you. 308 00:14:30,578 --> 00:14:32,831 And don't you have to bring a ring to Mordor? 309 00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:38,836 Okay, let's do this. 310 00:14:41,255 --> 00:14:43,048 Eddie said he'd meet us down here. 311 00:14:43,173 --> 00:14:44,842 Han, I really appreciate this. 312 00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:46,760 You're doing me such a big favor. 313 00:14:46,927 --> 00:14:48,888 Yeah, and we're surprised you can do anything big. 314 00:14:49,014 --> 00:14:51,725 -Okay, that's it. -Han, wait! 315 00:14:51,807 --> 00:14:55,061 -I don't need it! -Max, see what you did? 316 00:14:55,144 --> 00:14:56,354 What? I was on autopilot. 317 00:14:56,479 --> 00:14:58,105 What did I say? 318 00:14:59,356 --> 00:15:01,610 Han, please, Max won't say anything. 319 00:15:01,735 --> 00:15:03,110 Good, because I've had it up to here. 320 00:15:03,235 --> 00:15:05,447 You don't have it up to there. 321 00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:07,323 Don't need it! 322 00:15:07,448 --> 00:15:08,616 Max! 323 00:15:08,658 --> 00:15:10,493 Please, you have to stop with the short jokes. 324 00:15:10,619 --> 00:15:11,785 This is my life. 325 00:15:11,910 --> 00:15:12,745 But that's my life. 326 00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:15,914 Keep it up, and I'm gonna be at the bottom of the East River 327 00:15:16,041 --> 00:15:17,583 with that hipster artisan cheese truck 328 00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:19,376 you pushed off the Brooklyn Bridge. 329 00:15:20,003 --> 00:15:22,254 You're right. No more short jokes. 330 00:15:26,467 --> 00:15:28,886 Maybe I should wait outside. 331 00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:31,264 So, Han, where's Eddie? I think we should talk to him 332 00:15:31,389 --> 00:15:34,475 as quickly as possible before Max passes out. 333 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,769 I don't see him. I'm sure he'll be here shortly. 334 00:15:36,894 --> 00:15:39,105 And I just bit the inside of my mouth. 335 00:15:40,023 --> 00:15:41,149 Hey, Han! 336 00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:43,817 I haven't seen you since we took our little trip. 337 00:15:43,942 --> 00:15:47,197 No, man, I saw you after my small business owners' softball game. 338 00:15:48,907 --> 00:15:51,909 Hey, I got new car, a Mini Cooper. 339 00:15:52,034 --> 00:15:54,203 This is hell. I'm in hell. 340 00:15:54,328 --> 00:15:56,038 Eddie, hi. Is there anything you can tell me 341 00:15:56,163 --> 00:15:58,582 about today's race? Is there a sure thing? 342 00:15:58,667 --> 00:16:00,418 You get yourself a bad bet? 343 00:16:00,543 --> 00:16:02,711 Bad bet and beyond. 344 00:16:02,836 --> 00:16:05,298 -Well, let me give you a little tip. -I'll be outside. 345 00:16:09,052 --> 00:16:10,427 COMMENTATOR: And coming down the home stretch, 346 00:16:10,552 --> 00:16:11,846 Little House on the Gary has the lead. 347 00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,057 Come on, Little House on the Gary! 348 00:16:14,182 --> 00:16:15,557 Run! Run like Caroline after sundown 349 00:16:15,683 --> 00:16:18,019 in an ethnic neighborhood. 350 00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:22,273 The Hoof, The Hoof, The Hoof is on fire! 351 00:16:22,399 --> 00:16:25,150 He's winning. He's winning. He's winning. 352 00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:28,613 Oh, no, what's happening? He's falling behind. 353 00:16:28,738 --> 00:16:31,323 Oh, Lord. Oh, my sweet, sweet Lord. 354 00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:33,451 He's losing. He's losing. 355 00:16:33,576 --> 00:16:36,328 He's losing. Han, what is happening? 356 00:16:36,495 --> 00:16:38,331 Well, maybe I'll take off. 357 00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:41,668 Your friend said it was a sure thing. 358 00:16:41,835 --> 00:16:44,921 There is no sure thing except another Taylor Swift breakup song. 359 00:16:45,337 --> 00:16:47,215 COMMENTATOR: And Little House on the Gary 360 00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:50,342 falls to pieces as Falls to Pieces wins. 361 00:16:52,095 --> 00:16:53,763 So what do we win if our horse finishes last 362 00:16:53,888 --> 00:16:57,808 and wanders around the track with a giant erection? 363 00:16:57,933 --> 00:17:00,186 All that and we lost? 364 00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:03,355 Thanks for lunch. 365 00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:07,026 Han, you're so small your house is a Tic Tac box. 366 00:17:07,152 --> 00:17:09,069 You're so small you ride in your car cup holder. 367 00:17:09,194 --> 00:17:12,699 You're so small your parents are a ladybug and a Tater Tot. 368 00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:15,535 I could see that, actually. 369 00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:17,619 I don't need it! 370 00:17:20,248 --> 00:17:23,835 You see, Caroline? This is why I quit gambling, 371 00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:27,588 this and the escalator was always broken. 372 00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:30,048 Let's just calm down. 373 00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:32,384 This is the Turf Club, not Goodfellas, 374 00:17:32,551 --> 00:17:34,095 though that was placed on real-life events 375 00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:36,431 and took place not that far from here. 376 00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:38,516 Right, and maybe he won't be so hard on us. 377 00:17:38,641 --> 00:17:39,976 Nicky is Sophie's boyfriend. 378 00:17:40,101 --> 00:17:43,813 -Well, I just broke up with Nicky. -Why? 379 00:17:43,938 --> 00:17:47,692 I just saw him beat the crap out of some guy that owed him money. 380 00:17:49,861 --> 00:17:51,528 Oh, no, here he comes. 381 00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:57,911 There you are, dolls. 382 00:17:58,076 --> 00:18:00,663 My leg is next. 383 00:18:00,788 --> 00:18:02,664 Tough break. 384 00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:04,584 I'm gonna take my three grand and go. 385 00:18:04,709 --> 00:18:08,128 Peanut just broke up with me, so I'm gonna go home and get in bed 386 00:18:08,296 --> 00:18:11,298 with my dog and my wife. 387 00:18:11,423 --> 00:18:13,759 I have to come clean. We don't have your money. 388 00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:15,053 I got out of control. 389 00:18:15,178 --> 00:18:17,763 Doll, relax. I'm a reasonable man. 390 00:18:17,888 --> 00:18:21,099 -We can work out something. -Oh, good. 391 00:18:21,226 --> 00:18:24,561 Hope he shoots me first. I'd rather be dead than hear you beg. 392 00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:28,525 Still got that thoroughbred? 393 00:18:28,650 --> 00:18:30,317 I'll come by tomorrow to get it. 394 00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:35,615 He can't take my horse. What am I gonna do? 395 00:18:35,698 --> 00:18:38,116 You can always move to New York and change your name to Max. 396 00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:40,327 Wait, I already did that. 397 00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:42,079 What is wrong with me? 398 00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:44,790 I should have known better. My father has problems with money. 399 00:18:44,915 --> 00:18:48,169 It's in my DNA. And now all because of a stupid bet, 400 00:18:48,336 --> 00:18:49,921 I'm gonna lose Chestnut. 401 00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:53,465 If it makes you feel any better, my mom once lost me in a bet. 402 00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:54,759 I still can't believe she thought 403 00:18:54,884 --> 00:18:57,804 Robert Redford was in Tootsie. 404 00:18:57,971 --> 00:18:59,180 We can't lose Chestnut. 405 00:18:59,305 --> 00:19:01,849 Damn it, damn it, damn it, people. 406 00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:03,101 Make me come out of retirement 407 00:19:03,226 --> 00:19:05,019 just save your gambling asses. 408 00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:08,439 Now, all I need is 100 bucks. 409 00:19:08,565 --> 00:19:11,733 Hey, Caroline, how fast can you have a baby? 410 00:19:11,859 --> 00:19:13,736 Hey. Hi, Leon. 411 00:19:13,862 --> 00:19:15,654 Remember us, the ones who tipped you 100 bucks? 412 00:19:15,821 --> 00:19:18,866 Oh, of course, it's hard to find that kind of generosity in this place. 413 00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:21,493 It gives you hope again. 414 00:19:21,618 --> 00:19:24,663 Yeah, we're gonna need that back. 415 00:19:24,788 --> 00:19:26,749 Well, actually, I need all my money. 416 00:19:26,875 --> 00:19:28,166 I support my mother. 417 00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:31,170 Yeah, maybe not today. 418 00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:37,218 Max, I can't believe it. 419 00:19:37,343 --> 00:19:40,179 I screwed me and the horse I rode in on. 420 00:19:40,305 --> 00:19:44,267 Why don't you film that and get your money back? 421 00:19:44,392 --> 00:19:47,394 Caroline, look. 422 00:19:47,519 --> 00:19:49,855 Earl, you did it. You saved Chestnut. 423 00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:52,107 Yeah, well, we brown studs 424 00:19:52,232 --> 00:19:54,611 have to stick together. 425 00:19:54,736 --> 00:19:57,447 And I'll take that. 426 00:19:57,572 --> 00:19:59,949 And since I don't trust myself, 427 00:20:00,074 --> 00:20:03,201 I'm donating this 200 to my favorite charity. 428 00:20:03,368 --> 00:20:05,496 So here. 429 00:20:05,622 --> 00:20:08,958 Now, no more betting, 430 00:20:09,083 --> 00:20:11,544 because the only sure thing in life is death. 431 00:20:11,669 --> 00:20:13,378 Have a nice day. 432 00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:23,347 One for you, and one for me. 433 00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:25,391 Two hundred, we're back to our free money, 434 00:20:25,516 --> 00:20:28,227 And this time, it's going right in the savings account. 435 00:20:28,394 --> 00:20:30,605 Well, it's not earning much interest in there. 436 00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:32,105 Here. 437 00:20:32,230 --> 00:20:33,482 We're keeping this in a bank 438 00:20:33,607 --> 00:20:35,401 with two major branches. 439 00:20:38,863 --> 00:20:40,615 (CASH REGISTER RINGS) 440 00:21:04,012 --> 00:21:06,015 (English US - SDH)