1 00:00:03,212 --> 00:00:05,296 Max, I have a surprise, and it's right behind you. 2 00:00:05,464 --> 00:00:09,259 Before I turn around, is it Oprah? 'Cause I will die! 3 00:00:09,426 --> 00:00:12,096 It's a diploma from pastry school. 4 00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:16,100 No, seriously, what's the surprise? I'll even take Gayle. 5 00:00:16,266 --> 00:00:19,478 You would've graduated if the school hadn't closed, 6 00:00:19,644 --> 00:00:22,647 and Oleg knows a guy who fakes documents, so, 7 00:00:22,815 --> 00:00:24,315 you're a pastry school graduate, 8 00:00:24,483 --> 00:00:28,195 and I'm a real estate agent and a French citizen. 9 00:00:28,361 --> 00:00:31,030 I'll be able to show houses in France. 10 00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:35,286 -And how are you getting there? -I'm also a licensed pilot. 11 00:00:35,453 --> 00:00:38,121 Look, I am not a pastry school graduate. 12 00:00:38,289 --> 00:00:39,957 I'm not even a high school graduate. 13 00:00:40,124 --> 00:00:42,710 The only thing I graduated from was a Scared Straight program, 14 00:00:42,877 --> 00:00:45,087 which is why I'm not gay anymore. 15 00:00:45,253 --> 00:00:48,090 Max, you really didn't graduate? 16 00:00:48,256 --> 00:00:50,634 I always thought you were kidding about dropping out of high school, 17 00:00:50,801 --> 00:00:53,304 like when you say that Howard Stern is your dad. 18 00:00:53,470 --> 00:00:57,182 'Cause he is! Look at our eyes! 19 00:00:57,348 --> 00:01:00,018 And I did drop out. I was like, "Later, suckers. 20 00:01:00,185 --> 00:01:02,729 I'll find a water fountain somewhere else." 21 00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:05,649 Water fountains? Gross. In private school, 22 00:01:05,816 --> 00:01:09,986 we never bent down to put our mouths on something unless it had a yacht. 23 00:01:12,323 --> 00:01:14,658 I didn't need a piece of paper from high school, 24 00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:18,370 and I don't need this fake piece of paper, because I don't fake things. 25 00:01:18,537 --> 00:01:21,248 Except orgasms with guys who don't know how to yank hair good. 26 00:01:23,918 --> 00:01:25,835 (THEME MUSIC) 27 00:01:26,085 --> 00:01:27,545 (CASH REGISTER RINGS) 28 00:01:35,554 --> 00:01:39,599 WOMAN (ON TV): Well, I'm glad you called back, you slimeball. 29 00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:40,433 (CACKLING) 30 00:01:40,935 --> 00:01:44,271 Oh, good. When you weren't here when I woke up, I got worried. 31 00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:49,151 So worried you decided to eat cookies and watch Mama's Family ? 32 00:01:49,317 --> 00:01:51,903 We all grieve in our own way. 33 00:01:52,070 --> 00:01:54,698 Guess I should cancel the strippers. 34 00:01:55,365 --> 00:01:59,745 So I found out something interesting today that has to do with you. 35 00:01:59,912 --> 00:02:03,498 Oh, crap, you found out what happened in Orlando? 36 00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:05,959 Why? What happened in Orlando? 37 00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:09,087 Don't tell me you slept with Mickey Mouse. 38 00:02:09,254 --> 00:02:14,134 Well, I slept with someone with suspenders and four fingers. 39 00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:18,138 I'm assuming it was Mickey. 40 00:02:18,305 --> 00:02:20,557 Either way, it was heaven. 41 00:02:20,723 --> 00:02:25,020 Well, I found out that you're not the badass you claim to be. 42 00:02:25,187 --> 00:02:26,980 I talked to your old high school principal, 43 00:02:27,146 --> 00:02:28,983 and he said the only reason you didn't graduate 44 00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:31,276 is 'cause you failed to show up for one history final. 45 00:02:31,443 --> 00:02:34,487 My high school's still standing? 46 00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:37,449 Guess I didn't flick that cigarette far enough. 47 00:02:39,450 --> 00:02:42,079 I cannot believe you'd invade my privacy like that. 48 00:02:42,246 --> 00:02:44,247 Invade your privacy? 49 00:02:44,331 --> 00:02:47,084 You shave your junk with the door open. 50 00:02:48,752 --> 00:02:50,795 So? 51 00:02:50,962 --> 00:02:53,757 To the apartment. 52 00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:57,594 Well, maybe you'll change your mind 53 00:02:57,760 --> 00:02:59,179 when you find out that the principal, 54 00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:01,348 your old history teacher, Mr. Huck, 55 00:03:01,514 --> 00:03:03,641 said you can come back and take the test this Friday, 56 00:03:03,808 --> 00:03:05,394 and if you pass, you'll get your diploma. 57 00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:06,645 (KNOCKING) 58 00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:09,939 If that's Mr. Huck, I will murder your face. 59 00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:11,901 Max, please don't kill me. 60 00:03:11,984 --> 00:03:14,277 I can live here, but I can't die here. 61 00:03:16,487 --> 00:03:18,532 (POLISH ACCENT) Hey, girls. 62 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:23,871 I got Google Glasses. 63 00:03:24,038 --> 00:03:26,539 See, right now, I'm looking at you 64 00:03:26,706 --> 00:03:30,461 and ordering tapioca on Amazon. 65 00:03:32,420 --> 00:03:34,131 Now is not a great time, Sophie. 66 00:03:34,298 --> 00:03:36,466 Max is upset with me because I'm trying to help her 67 00:03:36,634 --> 00:03:38,509 graduate from high school. 68 00:03:38,676 --> 00:03:42,014 You're sure she's just not upset with you 'cause of the way you chew? 69 00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:45,725 I'm sorry I have to chew, everyone. 70 00:03:45,893 --> 00:03:49,146 I found out Max can go take one history test in her hometown, 71 00:03:49,312 --> 00:03:50,521 and then she'll get her diploma. 72 00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:56,152 Max, you know I've never been a big fan of hers. 73 00:03:57,028 --> 00:03:59,781 But I like the idea of you getting that degree. 74 00:03:59,949 --> 00:04:05,037 I mean, I'll never live down not graduating from School for the Deaf. 75 00:04:06,997 --> 00:04:11,126 -You're not deaf, Sophie. -I know. It was really hard. 76 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:16,757 Well, I don't care who she called, 'cause I'm not gonna do it. 77 00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:19,175 And if Mr. Huck thinks I would ever step foot 78 00:04:19,343 --> 00:04:21,762 back in his Mr. Know-it-all University, 79 00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:25,766 I have two words for him: "Huck U." 80 00:04:27,225 --> 00:04:29,603 That's what Mr. Huck said you'd say. 81 00:04:29,769 --> 00:04:34,441 He also said that senior year, you sold "Huck U" T-shirts, 82 00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:37,276 and that you have no ambition and no follow-through. 83 00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:39,862 That's when I knew he was really your teacher. 84 00:04:40,029 --> 00:04:42,240 No ambition? 85 00:04:42,408 --> 00:04:45,869 I made enough off those shirts to do nothing for, like, a month. 86 00:04:48,079 --> 00:04:50,707 Look, I got two bus tickets to Rhode Island. 87 00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:52,750 I didn't even know you could buy bus tickets ahead of time. 88 00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:54,877 I thought you just showed up, and if you looked like you made 89 00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:57,755 enough mistakes in life, they let you on. 90 00:04:58,798 --> 00:05:02,636 Come on, Max. I haven't waited this long to hear someone say yes 91 00:05:02,802 --> 00:05:05,973 since I was at School for the Deaf. 92 00:05:08,516 --> 00:05:10,810 Fine. Fine, I'll go. 93 00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:13,771 But only because Mr. Huck thinks I won't. 94 00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:17,067 Okay, well, I'm gonna let you two start studying. 95 00:05:17,233 --> 00:05:19,028 And in full disclosure, 96 00:05:19,194 --> 00:05:22,656 I watched some porno during this conversation. 97 00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:24,365 See ya later. 98 00:05:28,786 --> 00:05:29,788 Hey, Max. 99 00:05:29,954 --> 00:05:32,040 Caroline told everyone the good news 100 00:05:32,206 --> 00:05:35,002 about you going back to take that American history test. 101 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:38,004 -Good for you. -Yeah, I started studying last night, 102 00:05:38,172 --> 00:05:39,798 and on behalf of all white people, 103 00:05:39,965 --> 00:05:43,177 I would like to apologize for everything ever. 104 00:05:45,053 --> 00:05:47,889 Well, apology accepted for everything ever, 105 00:05:48,057 --> 00:05:51,060 except for slavery and The Gap. 106 00:05:53,937 --> 00:05:56,273 Here, Max, I brought you the history book 107 00:05:56,439 --> 00:05:58,399 which I'm studying from for my citizenship test. 108 00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:01,694 Aren't babies automatically citizens? 109 00:06:03,197 --> 00:06:05,824 I don't know why I root for you. 110 00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:08,994 Here, your country has a very rich past, 111 00:06:09,161 --> 00:06:12,790 unlike Korea, which had its past stolen by the Japanese. 112 00:06:12,956 --> 00:06:17,377 Han, we are not talking about European history. 113 00:06:17,543 --> 00:06:20,505 We are talking about American history. 114 00:06:20,672 --> 00:06:24,134 You're going to be working here forever. 115 00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:28,430 Good luck, lady. 116 00:06:31,182 --> 00:06:33,393 Okay, Max, I've come up with a way for you to work 117 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:34,978 and study at the same time, 118 00:06:35,144 --> 00:06:38,148 like when you shop and steal at the same time. 119 00:06:38,314 --> 00:06:40,651 I know, when they show it to me on those security cameras, 120 00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:42,944 I'm always impressed. 121 00:06:43,112 --> 00:06:45,822 I mean, I really don't know anyone else who's doing it. 122 00:06:46,656 --> 00:06:47,783 (BELL DINGS) 123 00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:50,244 Max, pick-up. Burrito for table eight. 124 00:06:50,409 --> 00:06:54,331 Jeez, I just walked in. Why do I have to have all this burrito drama? 125 00:06:54,497 --> 00:06:56,959 First, Caroline says I have to quiz you 126 00:06:57,125 --> 00:06:59,461 every time you come to the window, so... 127 00:06:59,627 --> 00:07:02,422 Who was the sexually virile male pop singer 128 00:07:02,588 --> 00:07:06,259 responsible for the hit song "Jessie's Girl"? 129 00:07:07,802 --> 00:07:12,098 -Rick Springfield. -Burrito's all yours, smarty. 130 00:07:12,266 --> 00:07:13,850 Oleg, no. 131 00:07:14,016 --> 00:07:16,687 You have to ask questions from the flash cards I provided. 132 00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:20,314 They're color-coordinated by century and subdivided by president. 133 00:07:21,315 --> 00:07:22,608 Don't look at me like that, Max. 134 00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:25,194 I'm a fun person. I taught myself the Dougie. 135 00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:31,117 Okay, here goes. 136 00:07:31,285 --> 00:07:34,370 Which amendment to the United States Constitution 137 00:07:34,538 --> 00:07:39,334 guarantees a woman's right to... vote? 138 00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:45,340 Wait, women can vote? 139 00:07:47,175 --> 00:07:51,180 So when you say women can vote, 140 00:07:51,346 --> 00:07:55,016 you mean, like, besides for American Idol? 141 00:07:57,351 --> 00:07:59,646 Max, you think you're not smart, but you are. 142 00:07:59,812 --> 00:08:02,733 You just need to come up with little tricks to help jog your memory. 143 00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:04,483 My memory doesn't jog. 144 00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:06,778 I've smoked so much pot, it's in one of those hospitals 145 00:08:06,944 --> 00:08:08,738 learning to walk again. 146 00:08:13,117 --> 00:08:14,661 What was the Great Compromise? 147 00:08:14,827 --> 00:08:16,579 You mean besides you moving in with me? 148 00:08:17,372 --> 00:08:21,334 It created the two houses of Congress. Hooty-hoo! 149 00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:22,668 Next question. 150 00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:25,923 What was the movement against the sale or drinking of alcohol called? 151 00:08:26,088 --> 00:08:27,507 The bowel movement? 152 00:08:27,673 --> 00:08:30,509 No, the temperance movement. 153 00:08:30,677 --> 00:08:31,928 And don't mention the bathroom. 154 00:08:32,095 --> 00:08:34,014 I've had to pee since we passed that last town 155 00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:35,807 that used to make something. 156 00:08:35,974 --> 00:08:38,601 So just go to the bathroom. What are you so afraid of? 157 00:08:38,769 --> 00:08:40,854 The bathroom. 158 00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:44,607 I will use a public bathroom. I will use a public bus. 159 00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:47,818 But I will not use the public bathroom on a public bus. 160 00:08:47,985 --> 00:08:49,654 -Next card. -No, give me a Twizzler. 161 00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:52,032 -I know enough. -No candy. Study harder. 162 00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:53,741 You're looking at a solid "D." 163 00:08:53,908 --> 00:08:56,662 Well, my grades should match my boobs. 164 00:08:56,827 --> 00:09:00,957 Next question. Okay. In what city was the Constitution written? 165 00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:04,293 No idea. Philadelphia? 166 00:09:04,461 --> 00:09:07,214 Oh, damn it, I almost said that. It's right there. 167 00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:12,260 Philadelphia makes cheesesteaks. The Constitution is cheesy. 168 00:09:12,427 --> 00:09:14,011 Why do I doubt myself? 169 00:09:14,178 --> 00:09:15,889 How much further? 170 00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,932 I thought Rhode Island was supposed to be a tiny state. 171 00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:20,601 -When are we stopping? -Well, we have to pass Cranston, 172 00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:22,729 Providence, and then our stop is Hope. 173 00:09:22,895 --> 00:09:26,191 Wait, Max, you were born in a town called Hope? 174 00:09:26,357 --> 00:09:28,402 Well, just outside Hope. 175 00:09:28,567 --> 00:09:30,486 And success and money. 176 00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:33,490 Well, there's no hope for me. I have to pee so badly. I'm going in. 177 00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:37,911 -Leave the Twizzlers. -Here, study. 178 00:09:39,037 --> 00:09:40,121 Oh, my God. 179 00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:44,000 You know the toilet isn't just there as a suggestion. 180 00:09:47,461 --> 00:09:48,754 (BRAKES SQUEAK) 181 00:09:48,879 --> 00:09:49,880 (CAROLINE YELPS) 182 00:09:57,096 --> 00:10:00,808 Wow, Northeast High. Never thought I'd be here again. 183 00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:04,270 This sure brings back no memories. 184 00:10:06,023 --> 00:10:07,106 It's cute. 185 00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:10,693 You know, in an underfunded public school kind of way. 186 00:10:11,903 --> 00:10:14,405 Wait, are you in high school? 187 00:10:14,572 --> 00:10:16,700 Oh, my God, I'm 100. 188 00:10:17,783 --> 00:10:19,870 Oh, there it is, 2-C. Hold on. 189 00:10:20,037 --> 00:10:22,246 Why are you covering those up? 190 00:10:22,413 --> 00:10:25,250 They're the only reason I passed chemistry. 191 00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:33,008 -Max Black. -Mr. Huck. 192 00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:35,802 -I'm surprised. -That I showed up? 193 00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:38,388 No, that you're alive. 194 00:10:38,554 --> 00:10:40,890 You and me both, sister. 195 00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:45,062 And you must be Caroline. Oh, you look just like the girls 196 00:10:45,227 --> 00:10:47,813 Max used to give wedgies to in the cafeteria. 197 00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:50,609 Still does. 198 00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:54,278 Oh, ladies, this is Hector. Hector will be joining us today, 199 00:10:54,446 --> 00:10:56,655 as he was not in attendance during exam day. 200 00:10:56,822 --> 00:10:58,950 Ay, yo, Mr. Huck, that's 'cause my sister 201 00:10:59,116 --> 00:11:01,787 didn't wake me up 'cause she's a bitch. 202 00:11:03,871 --> 00:11:05,248 Very good. 203 00:11:07,292 --> 00:11:10,711 Ay, yo. This place is filled with tiny tables, yo. 204 00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:16,134 I'm sorry. It's teachers and delinquents only beyond this point. 205 00:11:16,301 --> 00:11:18,470 You can wait out there. 206 00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:20,263 -Are you nervous? -A little. 207 00:11:20,429 --> 00:11:23,475 I forgot I have a joint in my purse, and I don't want to get expelled. 208 00:11:23,642 --> 00:11:25,726 Max, you can do this. 209 00:11:25,894 --> 00:11:29,188 I think you think you can't, but I know that you can. 210 00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:30,856 Look at me. 211 00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:33,110 You are smart. 212 00:11:33,275 --> 00:11:35,320 -What are you? -Smart. 213 00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:38,322 See, you already got one question right. 214 00:11:39,573 --> 00:11:42,619 Okay, kids, put on your thinking hats. 215 00:11:42,786 --> 00:11:46,831 Ay, yo, I thought we couldn't wear hats in the classroom. 216 00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:52,629 I'm going to ignore that, because if I don't, I will weep. 217 00:11:52,796 --> 00:11:55,673 "In 1775, Paul Revere warned which two men 218 00:11:55,841 --> 00:11:57,341 that the British were coming to arrest them"? 219 00:11:57,509 --> 00:12:00,636 In the Beastie Boys song "Paul Revere," 220 00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:03,306 he had a horsy and a quart of beer. 221 00:12:03,472 --> 00:12:06,434 Sam Adams is a beer, and if you have too much, 222 00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:08,562 you end up giving a john a hancock. 223 00:12:08,727 --> 00:12:11,230 Sam Adams and John Hancock! 224 00:12:13,984 --> 00:12:17,903 I wasn't this nervous when I waited for the results of a hep C test. 225 00:12:19,155 --> 00:12:22,451 Then again, I didn't study for that one at all. 226 00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:25,287 Ay, yo, I think I nailed it. 227 00:12:25,453 --> 00:12:27,581 You failed, Hector. 228 00:12:27,746 --> 00:12:31,042 -For real? -For really real. 229 00:12:31,208 --> 00:12:35,463 You even got the answer wrong that Max so graciously said out loud. 230 00:12:36,798 --> 00:12:39,176 That's cool, Mr. Huck. Next time, right? 231 00:12:39,341 --> 00:12:41,177 Sure. 232 00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:47,893 Max, I'm sorry to tell you that... 233 00:12:48,851 --> 00:12:50,854 I was wrong to doubt you. 234 00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:53,023 You got a "B". You passed. 235 00:12:53,190 --> 00:12:56,234 You lying son of a bitch. 236 00:12:57,568 --> 00:12:58,570 It's true, Max. 237 00:12:58,736 --> 00:13:02,072 In fact, I went over it three times to make sure I wasn't insane. 238 00:13:03,575 --> 00:13:05,243 Whatever that friend of yours there did to help you, 239 00:13:05,409 --> 00:13:06,410 it really worked. 240 00:13:06,495 --> 00:13:07,328 (DOOR OPENS) 241 00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:10,206 I'm sorry, but I can't stand out there any longer. 242 00:13:10,373 --> 00:13:14,211 I've caused a small pandemic of erections in freshman boys. 243 00:13:14,376 --> 00:13:18,590 I passed! I got a "B"! Now my grade matches your boobs! 244 00:13:20,091 --> 00:13:23,427 I'm getting that stupid diploma I said I didn't care about! 245 00:13:26,681 --> 00:13:28,725 You can do more than get that diploma, Max. 246 00:13:28,892 --> 00:13:30,559 Graduation is tomorrow, and if you stay overnight, 247 00:13:30,601 --> 00:13:32,144 you can walk with the class in the morning. 248 00:13:32,437 --> 00:13:35,774 Uh, yes. 249 00:13:35,941 --> 00:13:40,986 You want to go to graduation? That's so me of you. 250 00:13:41,153 --> 00:13:43,405 Well, I busted my "A" to get that "B", 251 00:13:43,572 --> 00:13:45,033 and I want to get the whole package. 252 00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:48,245 That's great. Well, we'll see you tomorrow at 10 AM. 253 00:13:48,411 --> 00:13:50,163 And, Hector, we'll see you in front of the AMPM 254 00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,623 asking strangers to buy you beer? 255 00:13:58,421 --> 00:14:00,506 I call the bed. You can have the table. 256 00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:03,426 Max, that bed is so tiny, we're gonna have to spoon. 257 00:14:03,592 --> 00:14:07,429 The only spoon that's ever been in this room was hovering over a flame. 258 00:14:07,596 --> 00:14:09,640 Well, it's cute. 259 00:14:09,807 --> 00:14:13,227 I'm not vaccinated for anything in here, but... 260 00:14:13,394 --> 00:14:14,687 it's cute. 261 00:14:18,399 --> 00:14:20,693 And safe. 262 00:14:21,570 --> 00:14:24,364 Yeah, they have cable, and you can rent rooms by the hour, 263 00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:26,240 so I used to come here to watch Sex and the City 264 00:14:26,408 --> 00:14:28,951 with a prostitute named Tiny Marge. 265 00:14:29,119 --> 00:14:31,830 She'd bring me banana bread and hang out. It was fun. 266 00:14:31,996 --> 00:14:35,250 Oh, great. There's no coffeemaker. 267 00:14:37,836 --> 00:14:40,462 Never mind, found it. 268 00:14:41,338 --> 00:14:43,633 Your mom wasn't worried when you'd come down here? 269 00:14:43,799 --> 00:14:46,177 No. She was a little jealous that I was hanging out 270 00:14:46,344 --> 00:14:47,803 with Tiny Marge without her, 271 00:14:47,886 --> 00:14:51,975 but the only thing my mom ever worried about was herself. 272 00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:55,144 She's selfish. 273 00:14:55,312 --> 00:14:58,856 She missed my birth 'cause she "had a thing." 274 00:14:59,024 --> 00:15:01,192 Come on, she can't be that bad. 275 00:15:01,359 --> 00:15:04,070 Turns out, you're not that big of a high school dropout, 276 00:15:04,236 --> 00:15:06,197 and she's probably not that big of a monster. 277 00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:08,408 I mean, she raised you alone, and you didn't die. 278 00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,409 I did actually, twice. 279 00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:12,828 But in fairness to her, she wasn't there either time. 280 00:15:12,995 --> 00:15:15,749 Max, why don't you invite her to your graduation? 281 00:15:15,914 --> 00:15:17,375 And don't say you don't have her number. 282 00:15:17,542 --> 00:15:20,128 I know it's in your phone under "Lady I came out of." 283 00:15:21,462 --> 00:15:24,506 I also know I'm in your phone as "Fart Monster." 284 00:15:24,673 --> 00:15:27,344 That's because I know, like, three Carolines. 285 00:15:27,509 --> 00:15:29,553 -No, you don't. -Busted. 286 00:15:29,721 --> 00:15:32,599 Here, I'll dial, you just leave the message. 287 00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:33,975 -Here. -No! 288 00:15:34,142 --> 00:15:35,644 -Max! -Fart monster! 289 00:15:35,809 --> 00:15:38,812 Just do it. You'll be so happy when you see her there tomorrow. 290 00:15:38,980 --> 00:15:40,690 If we live through the night. 291 00:15:42,484 --> 00:15:46,363 Hey, it's me, Max. Brown hair, lived in you for seven and a half months 292 00:15:46,528 --> 00:15:49,948 due to your inability to read the warnings on the side of cigarettes. 293 00:15:50,115 --> 00:15:52,534 Listen, I'm graduating from high school tomorrow, 294 00:15:52,701 --> 00:15:55,413 so if you're not busy looking for pills under the stove 295 00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:58,207 or selling the neighbor's cat for beer money, why don't you come? 296 00:15:58,375 --> 00:16:01,543 -Max! -What? That was a first draft. 297 00:16:01,711 --> 00:16:04,714 Hit three, delete, re-record. 298 00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:06,173 Hey, it's me, Max. 299 00:16:06,341 --> 00:16:09,385 Look, I'm getting my degree tomorrow at the high school. 300 00:16:09,552 --> 00:16:11,596 You know, that's the building between the bar you drink at 301 00:16:11,763 --> 00:16:15,642 and the bar you dance at, so... Hit three, delete, re-record. 302 00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:17,559 Hey, it's Max. 303 00:16:17,726 --> 00:16:19,937 I'm graduating from high school tomorrow. 304 00:16:20,105 --> 00:16:23,357 If you can make it, it starts at ten. Okay, bye. 305 00:16:23,524 --> 00:16:25,735 See, that wasn't hard. 306 00:16:25,902 --> 00:16:29,405 This duvet is, but that wasn't. 307 00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:36,413 How come they only give you one of these? 308 00:16:38,038 --> 00:16:39,206 Okay, Max, maybe don't say anything else, 309 00:16:39,374 --> 00:16:41,668 or they'll take your diploma back. 310 00:16:41,835 --> 00:16:43,669 Okay, graduates, it's time. 311 00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:47,005 Everyone line up alphabetically, and let's make our way. 312 00:16:47,173 --> 00:16:51,260 Oh, and congratulations. You did it. 313 00:16:53,888 --> 00:16:56,557 Max, you look so smart in that robe. 314 00:16:56,725 --> 00:16:57,850 I'm not that smart. 315 00:16:58,017 --> 00:17:01,270 I just found out you're supposed to wear clothes under this thing. 316 00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:06,942 Max, I never asked you. You were so close to getting your diploma. 317 00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:09,487 -Why didn't you take that test? -I was going to, 318 00:17:09,653 --> 00:17:12,406 but my mother kept me out of school that day to go to the mall. 319 00:17:12,574 --> 00:17:18,413 On finals day? Was there at least a special appearance by Raven-Symoné? 320 00:17:19,497 --> 00:17:22,208 No one good ever came here. 321 00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:25,461 Just like my mother didn't come here today. 322 00:17:25,627 --> 00:17:27,297 There's still time. Maybe she'll come. 323 00:17:27,463 --> 00:17:28,464 Maybe. 324 00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:31,300 I mean, my dad was late to my graduation because his helicopter 325 00:17:31,468 --> 00:17:33,302 needed to refuel. 326 00:17:33,470 --> 00:17:36,806 Yeah, that's probably what happened to my mom. 327 00:17:36,972 --> 00:17:40,769 But her helicopter's probably passed out on top of her. 328 00:17:44,314 --> 00:17:46,775 I have never been more confident, 329 00:17:46,941 --> 00:17:51,028 because as I stand here and look out at all of you today... 330 00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:53,781 I was my class valedictorian. 331 00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:56,409 I realize nobody can stop us. 332 00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:59,453 Yeah, I thought that too. 333 00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:02,080 We are the future. 334 00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:06,336 Sure we are, until you have to pee on a bus in ten years. 335 00:18:11,965 --> 00:18:13,092 Thank you, Amy. 336 00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:15,804 It's hard to imagine not hearing that voice 337 00:18:15,970 --> 00:18:18,847 every day for the next four years. 338 00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:20,849 Thank you. 339 00:18:26,189 --> 00:18:29,692 Hi, Mrs... Ms... Max's mom. 340 00:18:29,858 --> 00:18:32,319 This is Caroline Channing, your daughter Max's best friend 341 00:18:32,487 --> 00:18:34,447 and roommate and business partner. 342 00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:36,657 I didn't want to leave this on a voicemail, 343 00:18:36,825 --> 00:18:38,951 but I cannot believe you didn't show up 344 00:18:39,117 --> 00:18:41,621 to your own daughter's graduation when you are the sole reason 345 00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:43,580 she didn't graduate in the first place. 346 00:18:43,748 --> 00:18:46,334 I mean, who takes their daughter to the mall on finals day? 347 00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:47,669 What kind of mother are you? 348 00:18:47,836 --> 00:18:49,796 And all the times I've defended you to Max, 349 00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:52,382 not to make it about me, but it was a lot, 350 00:18:52,548 --> 00:18:54,717 saying, "She's not that bad. She's not that bad." 351 00:18:54,884 --> 00:18:58,805 Well, I guess you are that bad. Max is right. You are a monster. 352 00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:01,223 If you're on your way, we're in the second row. 353 00:19:01,391 --> 00:19:02,892 I have blonde hair. 354 00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:06,354 (GRADUATION MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND) 355 00:19:10,232 --> 00:19:15,070 -Christina Bayers. -Whoo! That's my granddaughter! 356 00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:24,038 Salazar Belmonte. 357 00:19:24,372 --> 00:19:25,957 (WHOOPING, CHEERING) 358 00:19:26,207 --> 00:19:28,000 That's my boy! 359 00:19:29,626 --> 00:19:30,795 Max Black. 360 00:19:36,259 --> 00:19:37,384 Max Black. 361 00:19:45,351 --> 00:19:46,477 (SCREAMING) 362 00:19:46,685 --> 00:19:49,771 That's my downstairs neighbor! (CHEERING) 363 00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:53,902 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 364 00:20:02,410 --> 00:20:06,623 -So what, you called them all? -Yeah, you know, just in case. 365 00:20:06,788 --> 00:20:08,124 Max, you were right, and I was wrong. 366 00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:10,209 Your mother's really as bad as you said. 367 00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:13,128 -Oh, it's not that bad. -What do you mean? 368 00:20:13,296 --> 00:20:15,048 She took you to the mall on finals day. 369 00:20:15,213 --> 00:20:18,050 Yeah, but it was the greatest day we ever had. 370 00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:22,137 We got ice cream, we ate it in the massage chairs at Brookstone, 371 00:20:22,305 --> 00:20:25,474 and then a kid fell in the fountain, and we died laughing. 372 00:20:25,642 --> 00:20:27,559 Well, I guess you can graduate high school any day, 373 00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:31,064 but you can only watch a kid almost drown in a fountain once. 374 00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:34,483 It is okay that she wasn't there today, because you were. 375 00:20:34,651 --> 00:20:37,819 And none of this would have been possible if you hadn't pushed me. 376 00:20:37,987 --> 00:20:42,157 And that kid wouldn't have almost drowned if I hadn't pushed him. 377 00:20:42,325 --> 00:20:43,951 Little different. 378 00:20:44,117 --> 00:20:47,038 Bottom line, you had faith in me 379 00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:49,707 like Thomas Jefferson had faith in Lewis and Clark. 380 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:53,169 Oh, no. 381 00:20:53,336 --> 00:20:56,005 Now you're both nerds! 382 00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:03,429 (CASH REGISTER RINGS) 383 00:21:26,243 --> 00:21:28,246 (English US - SDH)