1 00:00:02,878 --> 00:00:05,296 That's it for tonight. Time to count the tip jar. 2 00:00:05,381 --> 00:00:06,589 Hand condom. 3 00:00:09,301 --> 00:00:10,553 I can't believe you. 4 00:00:10,635 --> 00:00:12,679 Using protection is so five years ago. 5 00:00:13,555 --> 00:00:14,849 This is Williamsburg. 6 00:00:14,932 --> 00:00:17,852 There's a good chance even the dollars have herpes. 7 00:00:17,934 --> 00:00:19,228 Well, if those singles have herpes, 8 00:00:19,310 --> 00:00:21,146 they should just lie about it until they get married 9 00:00:21,230 --> 00:00:22,440 like everybody else does. 10 00:00:23,733 --> 00:00:25,275 Oh, good, you're still open. 11 00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:26,818 Oh, yes, we are. What can I get you? 12 00:00:26,902 --> 00:00:28,195 Everything in the register. 13 00:00:29,071 --> 00:00:30,948 Oh, my God. It's a hipster hold-up. 14 00:00:32,490 --> 00:00:34,243 Hand it over. I have a gun. 15 00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:39,331 Well, I have a death wish so that's not gonna work. 16 00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:41,750 Look, pal, 17 00:00:41,834 --> 00:00:45,128 we work at this cupcake window from 2:00 to 4:00, six nights a week 18 00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:47,590 and that is after eight hours of slinging hash 19 00:00:47,673 --> 00:00:49,633 at the diner next door for lousy minimum wage, 20 00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:51,926 which a bunch of rich politicians out in... 21 00:00:52,011 --> 00:00:53,137 -Help me out. -Washington. 22 00:00:53,219 --> 00:00:55,514 What she said. Don't wanna raise. 23 00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:58,392 Then, we walk home to our illegal one-bedroom apartment, 24 00:00:58,475 --> 00:01:00,351 get three hours of NyQuil-induced sleep 25 00:01:00,435 --> 00:01:02,061 before we have to get back up 26 00:01:02,146 --> 00:01:04,230 and share a bowl of Spanish language Cheerios. 27 00:01:06,025 --> 00:01:08,067 It's the same thing but the "C" wears a sombrero. 28 00:01:09,111 --> 00:01:10,737 So, no, 29 00:01:10,820 --> 00:01:13,031 I am not about to give you our hard-earned money. 30 00:01:13,114 --> 00:01:15,909 And if you're gonna shoot me, better aim good. 31 00:01:15,992 --> 00:01:18,954 Because if you miss, I will climb over this counter, 32 00:01:19,037 --> 00:01:22,165 tear off your head and it'll be our new tip jar. 33 00:01:26,295 --> 00:01:30,216 Yeah, I just robbed Pizza Pizza. Here's a 20. Have a good night. 34 00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,515 I have a way with people. 35 00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:42,353 (THEME MUSIC PLAYS) 36 00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:43,478 (CASH REGISTER RINGS) 37 00:01:52,445 --> 00:01:54,823 Look, I just saw that our cupcake competition, 38 00:01:54,906 --> 00:01:57,408 Brooklyn Bitty Bites, went out of business. 39 00:01:57,492 --> 00:02:00,787 Yup, it's being changed into a medical marijuana store. 40 00:02:01,204 --> 00:02:03,456 I already have my hole-punch card. 41 00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:07,670 Buy four brownies and the fifth buzz is free. 42 00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:12,842 Brooklyn Bitty Bites bit it. Yeah! We won! 43 00:02:12,925 --> 00:02:15,677 Eat it, red-haired lady and your Asian daughter. 44 00:02:16,594 --> 00:02:18,180 Max, them going down 45 00:02:18,264 --> 00:02:22,016 right after the death of the cupcake giant, Crumbs, is scary. 46 00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:25,187 It's like there's a serial killer out there coming after cupcakes. 47 00:02:25,271 --> 00:02:27,772 Well, he should be easy to outrun 48 00:02:27,856 --> 00:02:29,650 because that'll be one fat Dexter. 49 00:02:30,985 --> 00:02:33,278 Seriously, we have a big problem. 50 00:02:33,361 --> 00:02:36,448 -I'm back. -And there's our little problem. 51 00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:40,286 Wow, you don't usually see the ventriloquist's dummy 52 00:02:40,368 --> 00:02:42,079 out of his suitcase alone. 53 00:02:44,456 --> 00:02:46,457 Hello, Earl. Hello, Caroline. 54 00:02:46,542 --> 00:02:48,752 Hello, reason I do two hours of phone therapy 55 00:02:48,836 --> 00:02:50,336 every Wednesday before work. 56 00:02:51,671 --> 00:02:53,132 So, did you all miss me? 57 00:02:53,215 --> 00:02:55,759 You were gone? Because I swear I just saw you yesterday. 58 00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:57,343 Wait, maybe that was a cat. 59 00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:00,264 I was gone, people. 60 00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:02,390 To San Francisco for a convention. 61 00:03:02,473 --> 00:03:04,685 The restaurant and diner association. 62 00:03:04,768 --> 00:03:06,312 "RADASS." 63 00:03:06,395 --> 00:03:10,733 You were at something called "RADASS" in San Francisco? 64 00:03:11,275 --> 00:03:13,360 Are you sure it wasn't "REDASS"? 65 00:03:15,236 --> 00:03:17,781 I am not gay. I'm restaurant curious. 66 00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:22,368 I discovered an exciting new item for our menu. 67 00:03:22,453 --> 00:03:24,747 No way. No new menu additions. 68 00:03:24,829 --> 00:03:26,205 I already lie awake in bed 69 00:03:26,289 --> 00:03:28,792 worrying about how high the food bar is here. 70 00:03:29,460 --> 00:03:32,211 -(BELL RINGS) -Pick up. Pulled pork. 71 00:03:32,378 --> 00:03:34,465 And it's good because before I pulled it, 72 00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:36,008 I gave it a dry rub. 73 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:40,930 It's $4 toast. 74 00:03:41,013 --> 00:03:42,932 $4 toast? 75 00:03:43,014 --> 00:03:45,643 That's $5 more than our toast is worth. 76 00:03:46,685 --> 00:03:49,228 Delicious, homemade artisan bread. 77 00:03:49,312 --> 00:03:50,939 At first, I was reluctant 78 00:03:51,022 --> 00:03:52,650 to put something so big in my mouth. 79 00:03:55,985 --> 00:04:00,574 But the hot butter drizzling down my chin... 80 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:03,993 ...was my sticky reward. 81 00:04:06,372 --> 00:04:09,248 Han, that toast is trendy foodie food. 82 00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:11,502 It'll die here, like my soul did. 83 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:16,089 Our customers are just plain, normal people. 84 00:04:16,173 --> 00:04:17,591 Hey, everybody. 85 00:04:21,427 --> 00:04:22,721 And Sophie. 86 00:04:22,805 --> 00:04:26,600 Guess what? 78 guys want me on Tinder. 87 00:04:26,684 --> 00:04:31,355 -(CELLPHONE CHIMES) -Oh, 79. Ha! Now it's 80! 88 00:04:32,730 --> 00:04:34,233 How long have you been on Tinder? 89 00:04:34,316 --> 00:04:36,235 -Ten minutes. -(CELLPHONE CHIMES) 90 00:04:36,317 --> 00:04:38,821 Oh, look, oh, my gosh. This guy's a plumber. 91 00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:40,197 Are you kidding me? 92 00:04:40,279 --> 00:04:42,699 -Yes, that's a match. -(CELLPHONE CHIMES) 93 00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:44,867 And this guy isn't even wearing a shirt. 94 00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:46,577 That's another big yes. 95 00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:50,415 Oh! Oh, gosh, girls, I'll be over here, 96 00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:52,668 looking at boys in my booth. 97 00:04:54,627 --> 00:04:57,172 Hey, I know a girl who met her husband on Tinder. 98 00:04:57,255 --> 00:04:59,173 No, wait, she saw her husband on Tinder. 99 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:00,718 (CELLPHONE CHIMES) 100 00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:04,262 Hey, are wheelchairs sexy? 101 00:05:04,346 --> 00:05:06,264 I guess it depends on who's in one. 102 00:05:06,348 --> 00:05:08,100 I say no. 103 00:05:09,143 --> 00:05:10,269 (PHONE CHIRPS) 104 00:05:10,351 --> 00:05:11,978 Hold the presses. 105 00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:16,524 I just got a new tweet from my gal, Kim Kardashian. 106 00:05:16,858 --> 00:05:19,778 Oh, she just bought her some new boots in Manhattan. 107 00:05:19,862 --> 00:05:21,529 Kim Kardashian is epic. 108 00:05:21,612 --> 00:05:23,699 She was on the cover of Vogue. She's on fire. 109 00:05:23,781 --> 00:05:25,908 So? I've been on fire. 110 00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:29,163 That's the last time I try witchcraft for the free snacks. 111 00:05:31,206 --> 00:05:33,750 I love the Kardashians. 112 00:05:34,125 --> 00:05:37,629 They're like the Kennedys but with bigger asses. 113 00:05:41,132 --> 00:05:42,925 Text me next time! 114 00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:46,055 This whole talking thing is insane! 115 00:05:47,639 --> 00:05:48,766 Hi. 116 00:05:48,848 --> 00:05:50,558 Who would I talk to about finding the owner 117 00:05:50,641 --> 00:05:51,851 of Max's Homemade Cupcakes? 118 00:05:51,935 --> 00:05:54,605 That's Max. I'm Caroline. We're the owners of this store. 119 00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:56,523 And about four pairs of socks. 120 00:05:57,691 --> 00:06:00,360 Great. Wonderful. Such a cute shop. 121 00:06:00,444 --> 00:06:02,278 Would you be interested in having a popular-- 122 00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:04,072 -Yes. -I didn't finish my sentence. 123 00:06:04,156 --> 00:06:06,574 Sorry, I just haven't heard the word "popular" in so long. 124 00:06:06,658 --> 00:06:08,285 Oh, yeah, she's over. 125 00:06:08,367 --> 00:06:10,245 She's the Blockbuster video of people. 126 00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:12,956 Would you be interested 127 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:16,709 in having a popular reality show filmed here? You... 128 00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:18,586 -(CELLPHONE RINGS) -(SIGHS) 129 00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:21,005 I'm so sorry. I have to take this. Just a minute. 130 00:06:22,257 --> 00:06:25,009 What? Just say it already. Come on. 131 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:28,889 Max, this is great. Think of the exposure. 132 00:06:28,971 --> 00:06:30,766 I wonder which reality show it is. 133 00:06:30,848 --> 00:06:32,141 Ooh, maybe 16 and Pregnant 134 00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:33,560 is doing a "Where Are They Now" segment 135 00:06:33,644 --> 00:06:34,894 and they found me. 136 00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:39,316 Or that one about you, "Here Comes Honey Boobless." 137 00:06:41,819 --> 00:06:45,531 Do you have any idea who I am? 138 00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:49,826 You just do what I say or you are out! 139 00:06:50,869 --> 00:06:54,288 Okay. Mommy loves you. 140 00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:56,917 Sorry, my baby's Nigerian. 141 00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:59,836 I mean, if you're gonna live here, learn the language. Jeez. 142 00:07:02,505 --> 00:07:04,716 So, what are we thinking? 143 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:06,093 We'd love it. We're in. What show? 144 00:07:06,175 --> 00:07:07,593 Keeping up with the Kardashians. 145 00:07:07,677 --> 00:07:09,721 Finally, God opens a door. 146 00:07:09,805 --> 00:07:12,014 -And I'm closing a window. -Max! 147 00:07:12,473 --> 00:07:14,768 She's overwhelmed. Big fan. Do you have a card? 148 00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:19,605 Mm-hm. And listen, text me. Don't call. It freaks me out. 149 00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:23,776 Just give me one good reason 150 00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:25,571 why we shouldn't keep up with the Kardashians. 151 00:07:25,653 --> 00:07:27,363 I'll give you five good reasons. 152 00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:31,201 Kim, Kamber, Klondike... 153 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,454 And the little ones, Krispy and Kreme. 154 00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:40,418 -Not even close. -Fine. 155 00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:43,588 Kim, Kooky, Kool-Aid, 156 00:07:43,672 --> 00:07:46,175 and the little ones, Kaptain and Kangaroo. 157 00:07:48,009 --> 00:07:50,178 It's Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kylie and Kendall. 158 00:07:50,553 --> 00:07:51,889 That mother has some nerve, 159 00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:54,725 naming a kid who's probably never even read a book Kindle. 160 00:07:57,226 --> 00:07:58,562 We need this. 161 00:07:58,644 --> 00:08:00,939 Everyone watches Keeping up with the Kardashians. 162 00:08:01,023 --> 00:08:03,524 It's like Dancing with the Stars but without the stars. 163 00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:05,651 So Dancing with the Stars. 164 00:08:05,735 --> 00:08:10,865 Okay, tell me one good thing about this show that I hate 165 00:08:10,949 --> 00:08:12,326 because I've never seen it. 166 00:08:13,744 --> 00:08:16,829 Well, it's all about this family and their struggle to... 167 00:08:17,956 --> 00:08:19,625 ...keep up. 168 00:08:22,377 --> 00:08:24,379 Yeah, okay. I've never seen it either. 169 00:08:28,884 --> 00:08:30,009 Sophie, thank you so much 170 00:08:30,093 --> 00:08:32,471 for letting us come up after work to watch your TV. 171 00:08:32,553 --> 00:08:34,597 Max turned our old one into a bong. 172 00:08:36,432 --> 00:08:38,059 That was another time I was on fire. 173 00:08:39,101 --> 00:08:41,270 Well, which episode do you want to watch? 174 00:08:41,355 --> 00:08:47,027 "Kim gets a new hat." Or "Kylie cries at Coachella"? 175 00:08:48,986 --> 00:08:53,158 Or "Khloe gets a bikini wax"? Now that one's a classic. 176 00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:55,451 How many of these do you have DVR'd? 177 00:08:55,534 --> 00:08:58,746 Well, I got 17 on this TV 178 00:08:58,830 --> 00:09:01,124 and 53 on the one in the bedroom. 179 00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:04,961 I like to go to sleep with the sound of Kim's voice. 180 00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:07,004 It's so comforting when she says, 181 00:09:07,839 --> 00:09:11,969 (MIMICS KIM) "This is super awkward." 182 00:09:13,761 --> 00:09:16,014 And you know, sometimes she arches her back 183 00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:17,724 when she says it, like this. 184 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:22,687 "This is super awkward." 185 00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:26,732 This is super awkward. 186 00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:30,861 You know, I bet you if I stayed in Poland, 187 00:09:31,113 --> 00:09:34,073 my sisters and I would have had our own show. 188 00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:37,952 It would've been called Keeping up with the Kachinskis. 189 00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:42,164 It's too bad we all didn't live to see 20. 190 00:09:43,125 --> 00:09:46,628 (NOISE AND CHATTER ON TV) 191 00:09:54,802 --> 00:09:57,389 (TV SOUNDS CONTINUE) 192 00:10:00,392 --> 00:10:04,520 Hey, get the hell out. It's morning. 193 00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:07,899 I know, I know, but we couldn't stop watching them do nothing. 194 00:10:08,607 --> 00:10:10,277 This show is freaking genius. 195 00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:13,613 Is the blonde one crying? 196 00:10:14,822 --> 00:10:16,325 Mm-hm. Kris and Kim are in Vienna 197 00:10:16,408 --> 00:10:18,784 and someone stole Kris's Bottega bag 198 00:10:18,869 --> 00:10:20,370 and her Chanel clutch 199 00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:23,456 with the matching pumps that she bought in Paris. 200 00:10:25,042 --> 00:10:29,211 All right, well, I have to go take my morning tinkle. 201 00:10:29,712 --> 00:10:31,673 But when I come back, 202 00:10:32,381 --> 00:10:34,467 I want you two to be out of here 203 00:10:34,551 --> 00:10:39,096 because I need that swing for my exercises. 204 00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:43,851 We have to do this show. 205 00:10:43,934 --> 00:10:45,687 It'll be so great for our business. 206 00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:47,563 The only way we'd get more exposure 207 00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:50,107 is if Orlando Bloom and Bieber bitch slapped each other 208 00:10:50,192 --> 00:10:51,735 in front of our shop. 209 00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:57,573 Who cares about our business? I want that mother to adopt me. 210 00:10:58,616 --> 00:11:02,120 Her kid makes a sex tape, she turns it into millions. 211 00:11:02,620 --> 00:11:05,581 The only thing my mom ever did with my sex tape was copy it 212 00:11:05,664 --> 00:11:07,458 and give it to her boyfriend. 213 00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:13,756 I'm so excited. 214 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:16,092 Max, this is what I look like when I'm happy. 215 00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:17,510 You've never seen it. 216 00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:20,013 Please call me by my new name, 217 00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:21,681 Khlamydia Kardashian. 218 00:11:26,311 --> 00:11:27,979 Don't say anything stupid like that. 219 00:11:28,062 --> 00:11:29,898 I won't have to say anything. 220 00:11:29,980 --> 00:11:31,357 Kris will see me 221 00:11:31,441 --> 00:11:32,942 and recognize me as one of her own 222 00:11:33,025 --> 00:11:34,360 with my lips, my boobs 223 00:11:34,443 --> 00:11:37,279 and my willingness to live in some place called Calabasas. 224 00:11:38,490 --> 00:11:40,575 They're here. My life changes now. 225 00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:42,994 This is what I look like happy. You've never seen it. 226 00:11:44,578 --> 00:11:47,999 Hi, we are so, so excited about this. 227 00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:50,501 There has been a change. They're not coming. 228 00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:51,794 It's too far to walk in heels. 229 00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:54,588 See? She might as well have been my real mom 230 00:11:54,673 --> 00:11:56,466 because she just chose a heel over me. 231 00:11:57,551 --> 00:12:01,096 Hi, here I am to meet Kiki, my BFF. 232 00:12:01,513 --> 00:12:04,182 And look at my new dress. Twinsies. 233 00:12:04,807 --> 00:12:06,393 They certainly are. 234 00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:10,312 Sorry, she's not coming. 235 00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,566 We had to film them in Jamba Juice instead. 236 00:12:13,107 --> 00:12:14,525 Oh. 237 00:12:14,942 --> 00:12:18,864 (MIMICS KIM) Well, this is super awkward. 238 00:12:22,283 --> 00:12:26,370 (OBJECTS CLATTERING) 239 00:12:27,246 --> 00:12:28,831 Stupid Kardashians! 240 00:12:28,914 --> 00:12:30,583 Kim, Kankels, Krank, 241 00:12:30,667 --> 00:12:32,711 and the little ones, Kegel and Kickball, 242 00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:35,087 you can kiss my keister. 243 00:12:35,172 --> 00:12:36,380 (CLATTERING) 244 00:12:36,465 --> 00:12:38,383 Max, stop it. I'm trying to sleep. 245 00:12:38,466 --> 00:12:40,927 Well, sorry, but I'm pissed and it's 11:30 anyway, 246 00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:42,553 what's going on? 247 00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:44,764 Even one tweet from Kim 248 00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:48,018 would have exposed us to 22 million followers. 249 00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:50,144 Scientology doesn't even have those numbers. 250 00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:52,688 -They screwed us. -I know. 251 00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,899 That is why I'm making hate cupcakes 252 00:12:55,066 --> 00:12:56,567 for the Kardashians, see? 253 00:12:56,735 --> 00:13:01,697 "Eat It," "Bite Me," and these three, "Get," "A," "Job". 254 00:13:02,948 --> 00:13:06,160 And one for the mom that says, "I still love you" just in case. 255 00:13:07,037 --> 00:13:08,078 Now come on, get up. 256 00:13:08,370 --> 00:13:10,831 Your son needs to go out and take an 8-foot crap. 257 00:13:11,957 --> 00:13:13,668 No, I'm done. 258 00:13:13,751 --> 00:13:16,086 If everyone's done with cupcakes, so am I. 259 00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:18,215 I'm done pretending that everything's gonna work out. 260 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:20,966 In our reality show, it's not. 261 00:13:21,551 --> 00:13:25,304 Look, get up, or I will close this bed with you in it, 262 00:13:25,388 --> 00:13:29,058 and your new reality show will be True Life: I Live in a Wall. 263 00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:32,479 I'm not getting up. Ever. 264 00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:35,148 (SCREAMS) 265 00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:38,150 Max, stop, stop it! Stop it! Put me down! Put me down! 266 00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:42,364 What's happening? 267 00:13:43,322 --> 00:13:45,741 I can't lift my head. Did I have a stroke? 268 00:13:46,033 --> 00:13:47,076 Calm down. 269 00:13:47,244 --> 00:13:48,870 No one has stroked in your bed since... 270 00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:50,580 What is it, going on a year? 271 00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:53,625 Max. My hair is caught. 272 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:55,918 My hair is caught! My hair is caught! 273 00:13:56,001 --> 00:13:58,421 -Who are you yelling at? -The whole situation. 274 00:13:58,504 --> 00:14:00,465 -Do something. -Let me look. 275 00:14:00,548 --> 00:14:02,049 (SOBBING) 276 00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:06,136 Oh, yeah, it's all caught up in the bed gears here. 277 00:14:06,221 --> 00:14:07,972 Oh, my God, I have a bed with gears 278 00:14:08,056 --> 00:14:09,807 and my hair is caught in it! 279 00:14:12,851 --> 00:14:16,188 Ooh, nope. It's really all stuck up in there. 280 00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:17,606 It's so odd. 281 00:14:17,691 --> 00:14:20,025 I don't know how a thing like this could happen. 282 00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:23,738 Uh, you put me up into the wall. 283 00:14:24,655 --> 00:14:26,365 And now I'm trapped in a Murphy bed 284 00:14:26,448 --> 00:14:28,451 like some welfare Rapunzel. 285 00:14:28,826 --> 00:14:30,620 Stop panicking, I'll get us scissors. 286 00:14:30,912 --> 00:14:32,288 Oh, yeah, yeah. Get the scissors. 287 00:14:32,371 --> 00:14:33,706 Then plunge 'em into my heart 288 00:14:33,789 --> 00:14:35,709 because I'd rather die than cut my hair. 289 00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:39,546 Okay, Max, I think I have something that might work, 290 00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:41,423 but you have to promise me 291 00:14:41,590 --> 00:14:43,508 that you will never bring this up again. 292 00:14:44,009 --> 00:14:46,469 What? The fact that your head is stuck to your bed? 293 00:14:46,677 --> 00:14:48,888 Sorry, that's coming up again. 294 00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:51,474 Go into my nightstand 295 00:14:51,765 --> 00:14:53,726 and get my cinnamon-flavored make-up remover. 296 00:14:55,604 --> 00:14:57,062 You mean the lube? 297 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:00,274 Can we please call it make-up remover? 298 00:15:00,609 --> 00:15:02,235 Please. I need us to do that. 299 00:15:04,028 --> 00:15:05,488 It's almost empty. 300 00:15:05,989 --> 00:15:08,198 Man, you've removed a lot of make-up. 301 00:15:09,783 --> 00:15:11,119 Stop it. Just squeeze some out 302 00:15:11,201 --> 00:15:13,078 and put it on the parts that we need to move. 303 00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:15,581 Yeah, I'm familiar. 304 00:15:17,042 --> 00:15:18,335 (GROANS) 305 00:15:19,126 --> 00:15:20,378 (SOBS) 306 00:15:20,629 --> 00:15:22,672 Please tell me it's working. 307 00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:26,801 I'm trying, but I don't think I can get your hair out. 308 00:15:27,885 --> 00:15:30,221 Good news is, I think we can fit a penis in there. 309 00:15:31,056 --> 00:15:32,057 (KNOCKING) 310 00:15:32,139 --> 00:15:33,515 Who could that be? 311 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,851 A rapist we've done most of the work for. 312 00:15:44,903 --> 00:15:46,446 Oh, we were just talking about you. 313 00:15:47,279 --> 00:15:49,698 Max, you gotta help me with the bread for Han's toast. 314 00:15:49,783 --> 00:15:51,533 I've already burned 10 of these. 315 00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:55,163 Turns out the only thing I can successfully bake is meth. 316 00:15:56,998 --> 00:15:58,832 Oleg, come to the bed. I need you. 317 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:02,379 All right. 318 00:16:02,796 --> 00:16:05,715 Only took you four years, but I'm here, baby. 319 00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:07,591 No, it's not like that, Oleg. 320 00:16:08,009 --> 00:16:11,178 -Just get over here. -Okay. Hold this. 321 00:16:12,179 --> 00:16:13,139 (BREAD THUDS LOUDLY) 322 00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:24,109 Earl, what are you doing here? 323 00:16:24,192 --> 00:16:26,653 Oleg called me when he couldn't get Caroline 324 00:16:26,735 --> 00:16:28,404 to stop the screaming. 325 00:16:29,614 --> 00:16:31,990 Hi, Max. Earl gave me part of a brownie. 326 00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:36,578 Turns out, glaucoma and having hair stuck 327 00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:38,956 take the exact same prescription. 328 00:16:40,417 --> 00:16:43,336 Look. That's right, you mothers. 329 00:16:43,961 --> 00:16:47,256 I did it. I made the perfect bread. 330 00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:54,889 You're a chef who took 19 hours to make one loaf of bread. 331 00:16:55,222 --> 00:16:56,557 Stephen Hawking was more successful 332 00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:58,100 at the 100-yard dash. 333 00:16:59,811 --> 00:17:00,854 And you... 334 00:17:01,604 --> 00:17:04,523 You are aware that I went all the way into Manhattan, 335 00:17:04,606 --> 00:17:06,567 cupcake-bombed Kim Kardashian's hotel, 336 00:17:06,651 --> 00:17:08,318 and you're still just laying here, right? 337 00:17:08,403 --> 00:17:10,864 -Didn't you have to pee? -I held most of it in. 338 00:17:12,906 --> 00:17:14,742 This is crazy. You've been here all day. 339 00:17:14,909 --> 00:17:16,911 Let's just cut your damn hair already. 340 00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:19,372 I wouldn't be me without my hair. 341 00:17:19,788 --> 00:17:21,332 I can't live without it. 342 00:17:21,415 --> 00:17:22,750 Yes, you can. 343 00:17:22,834 --> 00:17:24,376 You have lived without money, 344 00:17:24,461 --> 00:17:25,920 you've lived without electricity, 345 00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:27,505 you've lived without plumbing. 346 00:17:27,588 --> 00:17:30,215 What do you think got me through it? My hair. 347 00:17:30,508 --> 00:17:33,260 I'd be like, "Lost all my money, the toilet's clogged, 348 00:17:33,344 --> 00:17:34,804 still got my hair." 349 00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:36,263 (KNOCKING) 350 00:17:36,346 --> 00:17:38,807 Darling, I don't think those brownies are kicking in. 351 00:17:38,892 --> 00:17:41,144 I also have some lollipops. 352 00:17:44,689 --> 00:17:45,898 I hope you're happy. 353 00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,692 I didn't see anything through the peep-hole, 354 00:17:47,776 --> 00:17:49,109 so I'm guessing it's Han. 355 00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:51,738 Uh, hello? 356 00:17:53,198 --> 00:17:55,909 I have an open diner and no diner staff. 357 00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:59,369 Han, look, I made perfect bread. 358 00:18:01,830 --> 00:18:04,291 Oh, wow. It's bigger than I'm used to. 359 00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:09,005 Let me just take a minute and breathe. 360 00:18:09,087 --> 00:18:10,923 And I'm sure I can take it all in. 361 00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:14,844 Well, if you need any help, 362 00:18:15,010 --> 00:18:16,762 Caroline's got some make-up remover. 363 00:18:19,682 --> 00:18:23,560 Kiki tweet, Kiki tweet, Kiki tweet. 364 00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:26,021 She's saying "Kiki tweet". 365 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,650 How did he understand that? Is he part dolphin? 366 00:18:31,736 --> 00:18:34,614 Kim Kardashian tweeted a pic of my mean cupcakes 367 00:18:34,697 --> 00:18:38,826 and said, "Max's Homemade Cupcakes hashtag not cool." 368 00:18:38,910 --> 00:18:41,246 (GIGGLING) 369 00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:46,625 Oh, my God. Kim Kardashian hates someone I know. 370 00:18:48,336 --> 00:18:51,548 That went out to 22 million people. 371 00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:53,383 -I'm so sorry. -Why? 372 00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:56,301 Do you know how many people can't stand the Kardashians? 373 00:18:57,261 --> 00:18:59,847 Our cupcake window will be packed. Cut me loose. 374 00:19:01,891 --> 00:19:05,060 Hey, Caroline, we're finally about to scissor. 375 00:19:07,855 --> 00:19:10,275 -Are you sure? -We got a business to run. 376 00:19:10,567 --> 00:19:12,402 Cut it, I'll be fine. 377 00:19:21,201 --> 00:19:22,452 (SCREAMS) 378 00:19:24,663 --> 00:19:28,375 Yeah, you're gonna need that lollipop. 379 00:19:34,673 --> 00:19:37,468 Yeah, I know, those Kardashians are the worst. 380 00:19:37,551 --> 00:19:39,095 That's why I don't keep up with them anymore. 381 00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:43,307 All right, Max. Okay, that's it. 382 00:19:43,557 --> 00:19:45,518 Just one left. Not bad. 383 00:19:45,602 --> 00:19:47,228 And your hair's not bad either. 384 00:19:47,311 --> 00:19:50,355 Yeah, now, after the emergency trip to that salon. 385 00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:52,942 When you got done with me, I looked like a baby bird on chemo. 386 00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:56,278 I'm sorry I had to use the last of our savings for my hair cut. 387 00:19:56,362 --> 00:19:58,280 -No, you're not. -No, I am not, I love this. 388 00:20:11,126 --> 00:20:12,377 Hi, I'm Kim. 389 00:20:12,461 --> 00:20:13,671 (BOTH GASP) 390 00:20:13,962 --> 00:20:15,548 I just wanted to say sorry 391 00:20:15,632 --> 00:20:17,215 that we didn't film here the other day. 392 00:20:17,299 --> 00:20:19,218 It almost hurts to look at her. 393 00:20:20,929 --> 00:20:24,432 I know how hard us girls really work to keep our businesses going, 394 00:20:24,515 --> 00:20:25,599 so I'll take a cupcake 395 00:20:25,682 --> 00:20:27,809 and I'll totally tweet about it for real. 396 00:20:28,644 --> 00:20:31,189 Thank you so much. Here, here, here. 397 00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:33,357 Oh. 398 00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:34,776 We can't break a $100 399 00:20:34,858 --> 00:20:36,693 and anyway, this is so on the house. 400 00:20:36,778 --> 00:20:37,737 Oh, thanks. 401 00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:41,199 Cute hair. 402 00:20:42,991 --> 00:20:44,201 Wait. Real quick. 403 00:20:44,786 --> 00:20:46,828 Do you think your mother would adopt me? 404 00:20:48,957 --> 00:20:50,458 This is super awkward. 405 00:20:52,794 --> 00:20:55,046 (BOTH GIGGLE GIDDILY) 406 00:20:58,674 --> 00:21:03,387 (CONTINUE GIGGLING) 407 00:21:04,471 --> 00:21:05,597 (CASH REGISTER RINGS) 408 00:21:07,517 --> 00:21:11,854 (THEME MUSIC PLAYS) 409 00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:31,540 (English US - SDH)