That's it for tonight. Time to count the tip jar.
Hand condom.
I can't believe you.
Using protection is so five years ago.
This is Williamsburg.
There's a good chance even the dollars have herpes.
Well, if those singles have herpes,
they should just lie about it until they get married
like everybody else does.
Oh, good, you're still open.
Oh, yes, we are. What can I get you?
Everything in the register.
Oh, my God. It's a hipster hold-up.
Hand it over. I have a gun.
Well, I have a death wish so that's not gonna work.
Look, pal,
we work at this cupcake window from 2:00 to 4:00, six nights a week
and that is after eight hours of slinging hash
at the diner next door for lousy minimum wage,
which a bunch of rich politicians out in...
-Help me out. -Washington.
What she said. Don't wanna raise.
Then, we walk home to our illegal one-bedroom apartment,
get three hours of NyQuil-induced sleep
before we have to get back up
and share a bowl of Spanish language Cheerios.
It's the same thing but the "C" wears a sombrero.
So, no,
I am not about to give you our hard-earned money.
And if you're gonna shoot me, better aim good.
Because if you miss, I will climb over this counter,
tear off your head and it'll be our new tip jar.
Yeah, I just robbed Pizza Pizza. Here's a 20. Have a good night.
I have a way with people.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
Look, I just saw that our cupcake competition,
Brooklyn Bitty Bites, went out of business.
Yup, it's being changed into a medical marijuana store.
I already have my hole-punch card.
Buy four brownies and the fifth buzz is free.
Brooklyn Bitty Bites bit it. Yeah! We won!
Eat it, red-haired lady and your Asian daughter.
Max, them going down
right after the death of the cupcake giant, Crumbs, is scary.
It's like there's a serial killer out there coming after cupcakes.
Well, he should be easy to outrun
because that'll be one fat Dexter.
Seriously, we have a big problem.
-I'm back. -And there's our little problem.
Wow, you don't usually see the ventriloquist's dummy
out of his suitcase alone.
Hello, Earl. Hello, Caroline.
Hello, reason I do two hours of phone therapy
every Wednesday before work.
So, did you all miss me?
You were gone? Because I swear I just saw you yesterday.
Wait, maybe that was a cat.
I was gone, people.
To San Francisco for a convention.
The restaurant and diner association.
"RADASS."
You were at something called "RADASS" in San Francisco?
Are you sure it wasn't "REDASS"?
I am not gay. I'm restaurant curious.
I discovered an exciting new item for our menu.
No way. No new menu additions.
I already lie awake in bed
worrying about how high the food bar is here.
-(BELL RINGS) -Pick up. Pulled pork.
And it's good because before I pulled it,
I gave it a dry rub.
It's $4 toast.
$4 toast?
That's $5 more than our toast is worth.
Delicious, homemade artisan bread.
At first, I was reluctant
to put something so big in my mouth.
But the hot butter drizzling down my chin...
...was my sticky reward.
Han, that toast is trendy foodie food.
It'll die here, like my soul did.
Our customers are just plain, normal people.
Hey, everybody.
And Sophie.
Guess what? 78 guys want me on Tinder.
-(CELLPHONE CHIMES) -Oh, 79. Ha! Now it's 80!
How long have you been on Tinder?
-Ten minutes. -(CELLPHONE CHIMES)
Oh, look, oh, my gosh. This guy's a plumber.
Are you kidding me?
-Yes, that's a match. -(CELLPHONE CHIMES)
And this guy isn't even wearing a shirt.
That's another big yes.
Oh! Oh, gosh, girls, I'll be over here,
looking at boys in my booth.
Hey, I know a girl who met her husband on Tinder.
No, wait, she saw her husband on Tinder.
(CELLPHONE CHIMES)
Hey, are wheelchairs sexy?
I guess it depends on who's in one.
I say no.
(PHONE CHIRPS)
Hold the presses.
I just got a new tweet from my gal, Kim Kardashian.
Oh, she just bought her some new boots in Manhattan.
Kim Kardashian is epic.
She was on the cover of Vogue. She's on fire.
So? I've been on fire.
That's the last time I try witchcraft for the free snacks.
I love the Kardashians.
They're like the Kennedys but with bigger asses.
Text me next time!
This whole talking thing is insane!
Hi.
Who would I talk to about finding the owner
of Max's Homemade Cupcakes?
That's Max. I'm Caroline. We're the owners of this store.
And about four pairs of socks.
Great. Wonderful. Such a cute shop.
Would you be interested in having a popular--
-Yes. -I didn't finish my sentence.
Sorry, I just haven't heard the word "popular" in so long.
Oh, yeah, she's over.
She's the Blockbuster video of people.
Would you be interested
in having a popular reality show filmed here? You...
-(CELLPHONE RINGS) -(SIGHS)
I'm so sorry. I have to take this. Just a minute.
What? Just say it already. Come on.
Max, this is great. Think of the exposure.
I wonder which reality show it is.
Ooh, maybe 16 and Pregnant
is doing a "Where Are They Now" segment
and they found me.
Or that one about you, "Here Comes Honey Boobless."
Do you have any idea who I am?
You just do what I say or you are out!
Okay. Mommy loves you.
Sorry, my baby's Nigerian.
I mean, if you're gonna live here, learn the language. Jeez.
So, what are we thinking?
We'd love it. We're in. What show?
Keeping up with the Kardashians.
Finally, God opens a door.
-And I'm closing a window. -Max!
She's overwhelmed. Big fan. Do you have a card?
Mm-hm. And listen, text me. Don't call. It freaks me out.
Just give me one good reason
why we shouldn't keep up with the Kardashians.
I'll give you five good reasons.
Kim, Kamber, Klondike...
And the little ones, Krispy and Kreme.
-Not even close. -Fine.
Kim, Kooky, Kool-Aid,
and the little ones, Kaptain and Kangaroo.
It's Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kylie and Kendall.
That mother has some nerve,
naming a kid who's probably never even read a book Kindle.
We need this.
Everyone watches Keeping up with the Kardashians.
It's like Dancing with the Stars but without the stars.
So Dancing with the Stars.
Okay, tell me one good thing about this show that I hate
because I've never seen it.
Well, it's all about this family and their struggle to...
...keep up.
Yeah, okay. I've never seen it either.
Sophie, thank you so much
for letting us come up after work to watch your TV.
Max turned our old one into a bong.
That was another time I was on fire.
Well, which episode do you want to watch?
"Kim gets a new hat." Or "Kylie cries at Coachella"?
Or "Khloe gets a bikini wax"? Now that one's a classic.
How many of these do you have DVR'd?
Well, I got 17 on this TV
and 53 on the one in the bedroom.
I like to go to sleep with the sound of Kim's voice.
It's so comforting when she says,
(MIMICS KIM) "This is super awkward."
And you know, sometimes she arches her back
when she says it, like this.
"This is super awkward."
This is super awkward.
You know, I bet you if I stayed in Poland,
my sisters and I would have had our own show.
It would've been called Keeping up with the Kachinskis.
It's too bad we all didn't live to see 20.
(NOISE AND CHATTER ON TV)
(TV SOUNDS CONTINUE)
Hey, get the hell out. It's morning.
I know, I know, but we couldn't stop watching them do nothing.
This show is freaking genius.
Is the blonde one crying?
Mm-hm. Kris and Kim are in Vienna
and someone stole Kris's Bottega bag
and her Chanel clutch
with the matching pumps that she bought in Paris.
All right, well, I have to go take my morning tinkle.
But when I come back,
I want you two to be out of here
because I need that swing for my exercises.
We have to do this show.
It'll be so great for our business.
The only way we'd get more exposure
is if Orlando Bloom and Bieber bitch slapped each other
in front of our shop.
Who cares about our business? I want that mother to adopt me.
Her kid makes a sex tape, she turns it into millions.
The only thing my mom ever did with my sex tape was copy it
and give it to her boyfriend.
I'm so excited.
Max, this is what I look like when I'm happy.
You've never seen it.
Please call me by my new name,
Khlamydia Kardashian.
Don't say anything stupid like that.
I won't have to say anything.
Kris will see me
and recognize me as one of her own
with my lips, my boobs
and my willingness to live in some place called Calabasas.
They're here. My life changes now.
This is what I look like happy. You've never seen it.
Hi, we are so, so excited about this.
There has been a change. They're not coming.
It's too far to walk in heels.
See? She might as well have been my real mom
because she just chose a heel over me.
Hi, here I am to meet Kiki, my BFF.
And look at my new dress. Twinsies.
They certainly are.
Sorry, she's not coming.
We had to film them in Jamba Juice instead.
Oh.
(MIMICS KIM) Well, this is super awkward.
(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
Stupid Kardashians!
Kim, Kankels, Krank,
and the little ones, Kegel and Kickball,
you can kiss my keister.
(CLATTERING)
Max, stop it. I'm trying to sleep.
Well, sorry, but I'm pissed and it's 11:30 anyway,
what's going on?
Even one tweet from Kim
would have exposed us to 22 million followers.
Scientology doesn't even have those numbers.
-They screwed us. -I know.
That is why I'm making hate cupcakes
for the Kardashians, see?
"Eat It," "Bite Me," and these three, "Get," "A," "Job".
And one for the mom that says, "I still love you" just in case.
Now come on, get up.
Your son needs to go out and take an 8-foot crap.
No, I'm done.
If everyone's done with cupcakes, so am I.
I'm done pretending that everything's gonna work out.
In our reality show, it's not.
Look, get up, or I will close this bed with you in it,
and your new reality show will be True Life: I Live in a Wall.
I'm not getting up. Ever.
(SCREAMS)
Max, stop, stop it! Stop it! Put me down! Put me down!
What's happening?
I can't lift my head. Did I have a stroke?
Calm down.
No one has stroked in your bed since...
What is it, going on a year?
Max. My hair is caught.
My hair is caught! My hair is caught!
-Who are you yelling at? -The whole situation.
-Do something. -Let me look.
(SOBBING)
Oh, yeah, it's all caught up in the bed gears here.
Oh, my God, I have a bed with gears
and my hair is caught in it!
Ooh, nope. It's really all stuck up in there.
It's so odd.
I don't know how a thing like this could happen.
Uh, you put me up into the wall.
And now I'm trapped in a Murphy bed
like some welfare Rapunzel.
Stop panicking, I'll get us scissors.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Get the scissors.
Then plunge 'em into my heart
because I'd rather die than cut my hair.
Okay, Max, I think I have something that might work,
but you have to promise me
that you will never bring this up again.
What? The fact that your head is stuck to your bed?
Sorry, that's coming up again.
Go into my nightstand
and get my cinnamon-flavored make-up remover.
You mean the lube?
Can we please call it make-up remover?
Please. I need us to do that.
It's almost empty.
Man, you've removed a lot of make-up.
Stop it. Just squeeze some out
and put it on the parts that we need to move.
Yeah, I'm familiar.
(GROANS)
(SOBS)
Please tell me it's working.
I'm trying, but I don't think I can get your hair out.
Good news is, I think we can fit a penis in there.
(KNOCKING)
Who could that be?
A rapist we've done most of the work for.
Oh, we were just talking about you.
Max, you gotta help me with the bread for Han's toast.
I've already burned 10 of these.
Turns out the only thing I can successfully bake is meth.
Oleg, come to the bed. I need you.
All right.
Only took you four years, but I'm here, baby.
No, it's not like that, Oleg.
-Just get over here. -Okay. Hold this.
(BREAD THUDS LOUDLY)
Earl, what are you doing here?
Oleg called me when he couldn't get Caroline
to stop the screaming.
Hi, Max. Earl gave me part of a brownie.
Turns out, glaucoma and having hair stuck
take the exact same prescription.
Look. That's right, you mothers.
I did it. I made the perfect bread.
You're a chef who took 19 hours to make one loaf of bread.
Stephen Hawking was more successful
at the 100-yard dash.
And you...
You are aware that I went all the way into Manhattan,
cupcake-bombed Kim Kardashian's hotel,
and you're still just laying here, right?
-Didn't you have to pee? -I held most of it in.
This is crazy. You've been here all day.
Let's just cut your damn hair already.
I wouldn't be me without my hair.
I can't live without it.
Yes, you can.
You have lived without money,
you've lived without electricity,
you've lived without plumbing.
What do you think got me through it? My hair.
I'd be like, "Lost all my money, the toilet's clogged,
still got my hair."
(KNOCKING)
Darling, I don't think those brownies are kicking in.
I also have some lollipops.
I hope you're happy.
I didn't see anything through the peep-hole,
so I'm guessing it's Han.
Uh, hello?
I have an open diner and no diner staff.
Han, look, I made perfect bread.
Oh, wow. It's bigger than I'm used to.
Let me just take a minute and breathe.
And I'm sure I can take it all in.
Well, if you need any help,
Caroline's got some make-up remover.
Kiki tweet, Kiki tweet, Kiki tweet.
She's saying "Kiki tweet".
How did he understand that? Is he part dolphin?
Kim Kardashian tweeted a pic of my mean cupcakes
and said, "Max's Homemade Cupcakes hashtag not cool."
(GIGGLING)
Oh, my God. Kim Kardashian hates someone I know.
That went out to 22 million people.
-I'm so sorry. -Why?
Do you know how many people can't stand the Kardashians?
Our cupcake window will be packed. Cut me loose.
Hey, Caroline, we're finally about to scissor.
-Are you sure? -We got a business to run.
Cut it, I'll be fine.
(SCREAMS)
Yeah, you're gonna need that lollipop.
Yeah, I know, those Kardashians are the worst.
That's why I don't keep up with them anymore.
All right, Max. Okay, that's it.
Just one left. Not bad.
And your hair's not bad either.
Yeah, now, after the emergency trip to that salon.
When you got done with me, I looked like a baby bird on chemo.
I'm sorry I had to use the last of our savings for my hair cut.
-No, you're not. -No, I am not, I love this.
Hi, I'm Kim.
(BOTH GASP)
I just wanted to say sorry
that we didn't film here the other day.
It almost hurts to look at her.
I know how hard us girls really work to keep our businesses going,
so I'll take a cupcake
and I'll totally tweet about it for real.
Thank you so much. Here, here, here.
Oh.
We can't break a $100
and anyway, this is so on the house.
Oh, thanks.
Cute hair.
Wait. Real quick.
Do you think your mother would adopt me?
This is super awkward.
(BOTH GIGGLE GIDDILY)
(CONTINUE GIGGLING)
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
(English US - SDH)