1
00:00:02,503 --> 00:00:04,254
Max, thanks for agreeing
to get in the spirit

2
00:00:04,421 --> 00:00:05,964
and do holiday cupcakes.

3
00:00:06,048 --> 00:00:08,300
So much better than last year
when you go so drunk

4
00:00:08,426 --> 00:00:10,176
you turned
the 12 days of Christmas

5
00:00:10,260 --> 00:00:12,179
into the 12 steps of Christmas.

6
00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:15,182
Yeah, well, I finally gave in.

7
00:00:15,307 --> 00:00:16,934
Christmas is like herpes.

8
00:00:17,059 --> 00:00:20,062
No matter what you do,
it's gonna flare up once a year.

9
00:00:21,187 --> 00:00:24,065
Aw, you made
a Feliz Navidad cupcake.

10
00:00:24,149 --> 00:00:25,943
I'm muy proud of you.

11
00:00:26,234 --> 00:00:28,611
And I think we're gonna make
muy mucho moola

12
00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:30,905
when Manuel comes mañana.

13
00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:35,828
You're the only person
I know who seems whiter speaking Spanish.

14
00:00:37,454 --> 00:00:40,165
"Feliz Navidad" for our
Spanish speaking friends.

15
00:00:40,249 --> 00:00:44,210
And for kids raised like me,
"Feliz He's-not-your-dad."

16
00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:49,549
And then, "Joy To The World"
for the normals,

17
00:00:49,674 --> 00:00:52,427
and for the hipsters,
"Joint To The World."

18
00:00:53,429 --> 00:00:55,847
For the kids,
"Frosty The Snowman."

19
00:00:56,347 --> 00:00:59,435
And for you,
"Frosty With No Man."

20
00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:04,647
Well, I didn't see Jack Frost
nipping at your nips either.

21
00:01:06,150 --> 00:01:08,194
Here, this one's my favorite.

22
00:01:08,319 --> 00:01:09,361
"Santa Claus Is Coming"--

23
00:01:09,444 --> 00:01:11,030
Max, stop right there.

24
00:01:12,198 --> 00:01:13,615
No, that was it.
He's coming.

25
00:01:14,909 --> 00:01:17,076
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

26
00:01:17,161 --> 00:01:18,454
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

27
00:01:26,337 --> 00:01:29,131
-Earl, change please.
-"Earl, change please."

28
00:01:29,715 --> 00:01:32,218
A phrase I heard
from both my ex-wives.

29
00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:38,265
Wow! You have more Christmas cards
than Oscar Pistorius had excuses.

30
00:01:39,265 --> 00:01:42,353
What can I say, Max?
I spread a lot of goodwill.

31
00:01:42,478 --> 00:01:44,354
It's also
where I get all of my shirts.

32
00:01:47,106 --> 00:01:49,484
Here you go.
Have a nice holiday.

33
00:01:51,027 --> 00:01:53,697
My two kids love
this time of year.

34
00:01:57,158 --> 00:02:00,203
And next Christmas,
there will be three.

35
00:02:04,123 --> 00:02:05,668
It's a boy.

36
00:02:06,584 --> 00:02:07,795
My husband was so happy

37
00:02:07,878 --> 00:02:09,754
when I called him
in Afghanistan.

38
00:02:15,718 --> 00:02:17,471
Man, this time of year,

39
00:02:17,555 --> 00:02:19,723
people are easier
than a fat girl in a tube top.

40
00:02:20,515 --> 00:02:22,058
Great.
We can use this money

41
00:02:22,141 --> 00:02:23,894
to order more
of our cupcake T-shirts.

42
00:02:23,978 --> 00:02:26,521
No, we are using that
to buy people Christmas gifts.

43
00:02:26,604 --> 00:02:28,816
I was really looking forward
to giving someone something

44
00:02:28,983 --> 00:02:31,443
that wouldn't require
the follow-up penicillin shot.

45
00:02:33,069 --> 00:02:36,031
We need more shirts.
These are really selling.

46
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,533
The guy at table four said
it's the perfect gift for a girl

47
00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:41,120
you're not in love with,
just strictly banging.

48
00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:44,747
He bought three.

49
00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:47,585
Well, I happen to know
for a fact

50
00:02:47,710 --> 00:02:49,627
that everyone here's
getting us stuff.

51
00:02:49,795 --> 00:02:51,504
Han came in
with a small package today

52
00:02:51,671 --> 00:02:53,716
and also he was
carrying a gift bag.

53
00:02:56,218 --> 00:02:57,760
We'll find some money
for the gifts.

54
00:02:57,887 --> 00:02:59,763
People aren't expecting
anything big.

55
00:02:59,847 --> 00:03:01,056
Happy holidays.

56
00:03:02,432 --> 00:03:05,019
People just got the nothing big
they were expecting.

57
00:03:06,228 --> 00:03:07,312
Gather, please.

58
00:03:07,395 --> 00:03:10,399
I have a very special gift
for all my diner employees.

59
00:03:10,481 --> 00:03:11,442
Health insurance?

60
00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:14,777
Come on, it's Christmas time,
not crazy time.

61
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:19,324
It's art. It's a one
of a kind silk screen.

62
00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:20,992
I did it by hand.

63
00:03:21,911 --> 00:03:24,204
I figured that's how
you always have to do it.

64
00:03:29,168 --> 00:03:32,670
Han, it's the diner.
This is amazing.

65
00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:33,923
Open the door.

66
00:03:34,006 --> 00:03:36,466
I put something behind it
that reminds me of each of you.

67
00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:37,926
Mine has Sophie.

68
00:03:38,009 --> 00:03:39,802
Mine has a saxophone.

69
00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:41,472
Mine has a cupcake.

70
00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:43,057
Mine has a chainsaw.

71
00:03:45,935 --> 00:03:47,519
(IMITATES CHAINSAW)

72
00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:53,400
Hey, everybody.

73
00:03:57,195 --> 00:04:01,741
Holiday shopping tip.
Fill a Starbucks cup with vodka.

74
00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:05,454
Also good for waitressing.

75
00:04:07,122 --> 00:04:08,665
Sophie, were you
Christmas shopping?

76
00:04:09,123 --> 00:04:10,918
SOPHIE:
You know I was.

77
00:04:11,794 --> 00:04:13,336
Power strips.

78
00:04:14,295 --> 00:04:17,173
Oh, good.
You got surge protectors.

79
00:04:18,050 --> 00:04:21,971
Wow! That's the first time protection's
ever been used in your apartment.

80
00:04:23,514 --> 00:04:27,059
Well, my Christmas village
needs 75,000 watts.

81
00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:30,353
And that's just to work
my candy cane helicopter.

82
00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:32,689
Sophie's been so busy

83
00:04:32,855 --> 00:04:35,526
with the Polish Society
Decorating Contest.

84
00:04:35,651 --> 00:04:37,485
We haven't had sex in days.

85
00:04:38,069 --> 00:04:41,949
Well, I got to beat my nemesis,
Felka Bobenski.

86
00:04:42,074 --> 00:04:43,492
She wins every year.

87
00:04:43,658 --> 00:04:46,911
She's like the Modern Family
of Christmas decorations.

88
00:04:47,579 --> 00:04:50,040
You know who's having
a blue Christmas this year?

89
00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:52,292
My balls.

90
00:04:58,048 --> 00:05:00,216
I love this city
at the holidays.

91
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:03,012
Yeah, the urine's all frozen
so you can't really smell it.

92
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:07,057
Manhattan is the best place
to buy quality Christmas gifts.

93
00:05:07,141 --> 00:05:08,182
We have $40.

94
00:05:08,391 --> 00:05:10,853
Now, where are those duffel bags
full of stolen electronics

95
00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:13,480
sold for half the price
by Nairobi refugees?

96
00:05:13,564 --> 00:05:14,814
Well, we better find them soon

97
00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:16,649
or I'm gonna give up
and go to Radio Shack

98
00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:18,694
like everyone else
who goes to Radio Shack.

99
00:05:19,778 --> 00:05:22,488
Oh, my God, Max.
My childhood bank.

100
00:05:23,449 --> 00:05:26,492
You had a childhood bank?
I didn't even have a childhood.

101
00:05:27,161 --> 00:05:28,704
Come on, let's go.

102
00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:29,872
I stop in every few months

103
00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:31,372
to get caught
on the security cameras,

104
00:05:31,497 --> 00:05:33,125
so people will think
I'm still in the mix.

105
00:05:34,209 --> 00:05:35,961
Trying to get caught
on security cameras?

106
00:05:36,127 --> 00:05:37,504
Whoa! We are different.

107
00:05:38,755 --> 00:05:41,425
Yeah, we'll just go in
and while we're in here,

108
00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:43,427
well, I don't know,
ask for a business loan.

109
00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:47,848
We are not getting
a business loan.

110
00:05:47,973 --> 00:05:49,725
You tricked me
into coming to the city.

111
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:50,975
At least knock me out

112
00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:52,894
and put me in the trunk
like a person.

113
00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:55,898
Okay, I hear you.
No loan.

114
00:05:56,230 --> 00:05:57,316
But can we at least go in there

115
00:05:57,399 --> 00:05:59,108
so I can get a hit off
some vault fumes

116
00:05:59,233 --> 00:06:00,735
and a complimentary
Christmas cocoa?

117
00:06:01,778 --> 00:06:02,987
Yeah, I want one too.

118
00:06:03,072 --> 00:06:06,365
It's so cold out here my bra
is suing my nipples for assault.

119
00:06:08,285 --> 00:06:11,038
I'd say we ask for $15,000.

120
00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:15,125
So close I almost smelled 100.

121
00:06:15,209 --> 00:06:16,668
What is with you?

122
00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:19,588
If I wanted you to keep lying
to me, I'd date you.

123
00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:22,673
Max, we need more capital

124
00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:24,218
so we can buy
our shirts in bulk,

125
00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:25,968
and then,
if we work even harder,

126
00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:27,387
we can double our profit.

127
00:06:27,471 --> 00:06:30,223
Okay, we won't pass
even the credit check.

128
00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:31,850
According to my
Social Security number,

129
00:06:31,975 --> 00:06:34,435
I died in a boat explosion
years ago.

130
00:06:35,853 --> 00:06:37,605
This is the time to apply.

131
00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:39,358
Bankers have more guilt
at Christmas time

132
00:06:39,483 --> 00:06:40,983
because of
It's A Wonderful Life.

133
00:06:41,110 --> 00:06:42,778
And also because they're Jewish.

134
00:06:42,860 --> 00:06:44,947
I'm the one
with the business degree

135
00:06:45,029 --> 00:06:46,447
and you have to
trust me on this.

136
00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:48,199
You know what?
You're right.

137
00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:50,701
You're the business genius.
What do I know?

138
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:52,995
-Let's go get that loan.
-Thank you.

139
00:06:57,793 --> 00:07:00,086
Yeah, I should have known
that was too good to be true.

140
00:07:03,214 --> 00:07:04,800
Max, come on.

141
00:07:04,882 --> 00:07:06,300
The bank's there.
Our shirt's in here.

142
00:07:06,468 --> 00:07:08,803
Let's just go in, show them
and apply for that loan.

143
00:07:08,928 --> 00:07:11,305
-Please. Please. Please.
-No. No. No.

144
00:07:12,516 --> 00:07:13,559
And that right there

145
00:07:13,684 --> 00:07:17,437
was a little something called
us asking for a bank loan.

146
00:07:17,562 --> 00:07:19,189
-Now let's go.
-I'm not leaving here

147
00:07:19,355 --> 00:07:21,817
until you tell me
what the underlying issue is.

148
00:07:21,899 --> 00:07:23,735
I'm not in love
with you anymore.

149
00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:26,404
Max, be serious.

150
00:07:26,572 --> 00:07:28,406
This whole T-shirt
was your idea.

151
00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:30,408
-What's the real problem?
-That's the problem.

152
00:07:30,576 --> 00:07:31,951
Those shirts were my idea

153
00:07:32,076 --> 00:07:35,122
and nothing that comes from me
is worth $15,000.

154
00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:37,624
Aside from that baby I sold
on E-baby.

155
00:07:38,709 --> 00:07:41,586
Max, I know these T-shirts
are a money-maker.

156
00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:43,754
I have a money-maker
and that's not it.

157
00:07:45,215 --> 00:07:46,466
I can prove it.

158
00:07:46,591 --> 00:07:48,634
Look, this is Rodney,

159
00:07:48,759 --> 00:07:51,305
my childhood
over-priced clothing store.

160
00:07:51,387 --> 00:07:54,850
If I had known we were going
on the childhood tour today,

161
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:56,350
I would have worn
more comfortable shoes

162
00:07:56,475 --> 00:07:57,769
and stayed home.

163
00:07:58,394 --> 00:08:02,482
See the shirt on the mannequin?
At least $200.

164
00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:04,026
And there's no reason
we can't sell ours

165
00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:06,944
for just as much.
I'll show you. Follow me.

166
00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:11,074
Okay, I will. But not on Instagram
because you're out of control.

167
00:08:13,826 --> 00:08:15,786
This place is fancy

168
00:08:15,870 --> 00:08:18,122
and I've been to the
new Port Authority in Newark.

169
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:21,459
Just trust me, okay?

170
00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:23,170
You need to jump
on those Wang pumps

171
00:08:23,295 --> 00:08:26,173
or like Ben Affleck,
they will be "Gone Girl."

172
00:08:27,382 --> 00:08:29,968
Let me do the talking.
I speak his language.

173
00:08:30,052 --> 00:08:32,261
And what language is that?
Portu-gays?

174
00:08:33,931 --> 00:08:36,475
Hello, ladies.
Welcome to Rodney.

175
00:08:36,557 --> 00:08:37,808
I'm Barry.

176
00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:40,019
Doing a little holiday shopping?

177
00:08:40,312 --> 00:08:41,897
We're not allowed
to say Christmas.

178
00:08:42,648 --> 00:08:45,734
As a matter of fact, we're doing
a little holiday selling.

179
00:08:45,817 --> 00:08:48,028
-Oh, you're selling.
-Yeah.

180
00:08:48,195 --> 00:08:50,404
Got it. Molly? Coke?

181
00:08:51,155 --> 00:08:52,490
BARRY:
Not that I'm interested.

182
00:08:52,573 --> 00:08:54,659
I've been clean
since Fire Island 2010.

183
00:08:55,159 --> 00:08:56,620
And 2012.

184
00:08:57,870 --> 00:09:00,874
It must be hard to not be high
and be you.

185
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:04,211
Because it's hard for me

186
00:09:04,336 --> 00:09:06,462
to just be near you
and not be high.

187
00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:10,341
Yeah, you get it, girl.

188
00:09:10,424 --> 00:09:12,635
Actually, we wanted to see
if you'd be interested

189
00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:15,304
in selling one of our fabulous
graphic T-shirts.

190
00:09:15,389 --> 00:09:19,893
No, no, no.
All sorts of no, okay?

191
00:09:20,018 --> 00:09:22,937
As much as I love a fez,
a caftan and a teenage boy,

192
00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:24,523
this isn't Morocco.

193
00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:28,860
That's a really long
and boring version of "no."

194
00:09:29,735 --> 00:09:32,280
It's like you just did "no."
The One Woman Show.

195
00:09:34,408 --> 00:09:35,951
-Here's our T-shirt--
-Look.

196
00:09:36,118 --> 00:09:39,203
I'll tell you two what I said
to a young Marc Jacobs.

197
00:09:39,538 --> 00:09:41,498
Stop offering, I'm off the junk.

198
00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:44,334
Merry Holiday.

199
00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:46,669
I'll show Mary a holiday.

200
00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:49,505
Our shirts are just
as good as these.

201
00:09:49,588 --> 00:09:51,216
He just needs to see it.

202
00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:55,803
Here, hold this.

203
00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:58,432
What are you?
American Psycho?

204
00:09:58,974 --> 00:10:00,182
As soon as someone says no
to you,

205
00:10:00,308 --> 00:10:02,436
you start dismembering women.

206
00:10:03,687 --> 00:10:05,022
I can't get her shirt off.

207
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:06,273
Tell her she can spend the night

208
00:10:06,398 --> 00:10:08,024
and you'll buy her a waffle
in the morning.

209
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:10,693
Okay, hand me our shirt.

210
00:10:11,068 --> 00:10:13,154
I think this is gonna be big
for us.

211
00:10:13,238 --> 00:10:15,823
You also think
Michael Bublé rocks.

212
00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:20,077
I have to hurry. Barry is coming.
Barry is coming.

213
00:10:20,162 --> 00:10:21,996
I'm guessing mostly
with strangers.

214
00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:25,625
Seriously?

215
00:10:27,418 --> 00:10:28,503
Seriously?

216
00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:32,798
Ser-i-ous-ly?

217
00:10:34,592 --> 00:10:35,969
So cute.

218
00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:38,429
And look on the back,
"Cream Filled."

219
00:10:39,306 --> 00:10:42,392
Funny. People will think
I have a personality.

220
00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:46,020
Barry, put this
with my other stuff. How much?

221
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:47,563
Three hundred.

222
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:49,982
Forget the sober story.
That guy is high.

223
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:52,360
I'll take ten.

224
00:10:52,443 --> 00:10:53,861
They'll make great
Hanukkah gifts

225
00:10:54,028 --> 00:10:56,239
for my friends
who don't hate their arms.

226
00:10:57,698 --> 00:11:00,409
All our shirts just got bought
by a rich dead lady.

227
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:03,830
I'll need 30 more by Friday.

228
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,336
Yes, I'm still holding.

229
00:11:10,419 --> 00:11:12,714
I need to place
a rush T-shirt order.

230
00:11:12,798 --> 00:11:14,508
No, no, no.
Don't put me on hold again.

231
00:11:14,591 --> 00:11:17,885
I've been through seven rounds
of Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.

232
00:11:18,761 --> 00:11:21,014
And she just got run over again.

233
00:11:22,139 --> 00:11:24,683
Now that we have all this crazy
gay T-shirt money,

234
00:11:25,143 --> 00:11:27,562
I think we should up the prices
on these gifts.

235
00:11:27,895 --> 00:11:29,688
So we agree,
we're getting Earl a car.

236
00:11:30,565 --> 00:11:32,234
Sophie is getting
the country house

237
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,818
with the lake
she's always wanted.

238
00:11:34,277 --> 00:11:37,239
Max, Rodney is selling
our shirts for $300,

239
00:11:37,322 --> 00:11:39,157
but we only get $25 of that.

240
00:11:39,448 --> 00:11:43,245
And you can't buy a house
for $750. It's not Detroit.

241
00:11:46,038 --> 00:11:48,332
Yes, hi, hi, hi.
Finally a person.

242
00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:50,626
I need 50 T-shirts by Friday.

243
00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:54,338
But your business card says
you guarantee next-day delivery.

244
00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:57,801
Oh, you can't guarantee
that guarantee?

245
00:11:58,592 --> 00:11:59,885
Okay. Now, Oleg.

246
00:12:00,010 --> 00:12:02,304
What do you get a man
who has nothing,

247
00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:03,597
but shows you everything?

248
00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:06,600
What do you mean
"Is there anything else

249
00:12:06,684 --> 00:12:09,062
you can help me with?"
When did you help me at all?

250
00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:13,357
And I'm beginning to think
if Grandma works for you,

251
00:12:13,442 --> 00:12:14,860
she didn't get run over
by that reindeer,

252
00:12:14,942 --> 00:12:16,986
she threw herself
under a sleigh.

253
00:12:18,947 --> 00:12:21,658
So, Sophie's getting a Snapple.

254
00:12:22,868 --> 00:12:24,326
Like last year.

255
00:12:24,911 --> 00:12:27,330
Max, we can't give up.
We can do them ourselves.

256
00:12:27,621 --> 00:12:29,749
We just need someone else
to do them.

257
00:12:30,375 --> 00:12:31,793
Come on, let's go.

258
00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:33,378
There are customers
who have been here

259
00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:35,254
since Robin Thicke was relevant.

260
00:12:36,213 --> 00:12:37,506
Wait a minute, Han.

261
00:12:37,591 --> 00:12:39,551
You silk-screened
all those beautiful cards.

262
00:12:39,676 --> 00:12:41,470
You have an artistic side.

263
00:12:41,552 --> 00:12:44,389
Yeah, but no backside.
And a front side

264
00:12:44,514 --> 00:12:46,432
that shouldn't
be allowed outside.

265
00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:49,519
(IMITATES CHAINSAW)

266
00:12:55,192 --> 00:12:56,775
Why is this taking so long?

267
00:12:56,860 --> 00:12:58,528
You did
all those Christmas cards.

268
00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:00,822
Aren't small creatures
supposed to be fast?

269
00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:03,200
Truth be told,

270
00:13:03,325 --> 00:13:05,034
those were supposed
to be ready last year.

271
00:13:05,159 --> 00:13:07,953
But, what was the rush?
You two weren't going anywhere.

272
00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:12,333
Han, just a simple
"yes" or "no." No judgment.

273
00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:14,461
Have you had sex
with this machine?

274
00:13:15,629 --> 00:13:17,588
The only thing worse
than you two working for me

275
00:13:17,672 --> 00:13:20,841
is me working for you.
You haven't even given me water.

276
00:13:21,759 --> 00:13:24,095
Water is for closers.

277
00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:28,265
By closers, I mean people
who actually make clothes.

278
00:13:29,100 --> 00:13:29,975
(KNOCK AT DOOR)

279
00:13:30,393 --> 00:13:31,602
Who's that?

280
00:13:31,727 --> 00:13:34,730
Han, did you call
Child Protective Service on us?

281
00:13:36,607 --> 00:13:38,817
Because those bruises
could be from anyone.

282
00:13:39,735 --> 00:13:42,239
Han, you've only made one shirt
in two hours.

283
00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:44,157
And it's a masterpiece.

284
00:13:44,282 --> 00:13:47,536
Do you want one Citizen Kane
or 30 Here Comes the Booms?

285
00:13:49,287 --> 00:13:51,706
Guys, I need your help.

286
00:13:51,789 --> 00:13:54,500
Sophie's right behind me
and needs some cheering up.

287
00:13:54,668 --> 00:13:56,043
I haven't seen her
this depressed

288
00:13:56,211 --> 00:13:58,879
since she woke up mid-coitus
last night.

289
00:14:03,426 --> 00:14:06,513
Hi. Hi, girls.
Merry Christmas.

290
00:14:07,054 --> 00:14:08,514
Quick question:

291
00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:12,769
If I were to turn on that oven and close
all the windows, would I die?

292
00:14:13,562 --> 00:14:16,105
Nope. Otherwise
I wouldn't be standing here

293
00:14:16,273 --> 00:14:18,649
next to Kim Jong-Only-Done-One.

294
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,360
Sophie, what's the problem?

295
00:14:21,485 --> 00:14:22,946
Tell Han
while he gets back to work.

296
00:14:23,071 --> 00:14:24,364
And Han, pick up the pace

297
00:14:24,489 --> 00:14:26,533
or I'm gonna start
the pinching again.

298
00:14:27,241 --> 00:14:31,203
I'm gonna lose the
Christmas decorating contest.

299
00:14:31,370 --> 00:14:34,582
Oh, I have nothing to live for.

300
00:14:35,082 --> 00:14:39,461
Oh, Caroline, this is probably
how you feel every day.

301
00:14:40,963 --> 00:14:44,384
Sophie's competition made a
live-action North Pole workshop

302
00:14:44,509 --> 00:14:45,844
in front of her house.

303
00:14:46,595 --> 00:14:49,972
Well, all I got upstairs
is a light-up nativity

304
00:14:50,097 --> 00:14:53,893
and $25,000 worth
of Target Christmas decorations.

305
00:14:55,144 --> 00:14:57,355
She blew five fuses last night.

306
00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,774
I never thought
I'd be jealous of a fuse.

307
00:15:02,027 --> 00:15:03,903
Sophie, we really can't get
into this now.

308
00:15:04,028 --> 00:15:05,779
We are way behind
with these T-shirts.

309
00:15:05,864 --> 00:15:08,575
And these T-shirts
are a once in a lifetime chance

310
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,327
for us to go to a new place
with our business.

311
00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:13,955
Yeah, I hear you, girls.

312
00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:16,041
I mean,
what am I doing here sitting

313
00:15:16,124 --> 00:15:18,208
worrying about
some silly contest?

314
00:15:18,335 --> 00:15:19,878
It's Christmas.

315
00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:21,296
Come on everybody.

316
00:15:21,462 --> 00:15:23,423
We should all be helping
the girls.

317
00:15:23,505 --> 00:15:26,301
Really?
That would be so amazing.

318
00:15:26,384 --> 00:15:27,469
Sure.

319
00:15:27,552 --> 00:15:29,428
And you wouldn't even have
to pay me back

320
00:15:29,511 --> 00:15:31,847
by letting me use your barn
and your horse tomorrow night

321
00:15:31,972 --> 00:15:33,224
for a live nativity scene,

322
00:15:33,350 --> 00:15:34,643
which you would all
have to be in.

323
00:15:34,725 --> 00:15:36,394
Or something like that.

324
00:15:39,022 --> 00:15:41,357
I think we just had
a seasonal shake-down.

325
00:15:47,864 --> 00:15:50,825
Han's doing the last one.
We're gonna make it.

326
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:53,620
I can't believe you're in such
a good mood with that beard.

327
00:15:53,745 --> 00:15:55,580
Last week when you found
those two chin hairs,

328
00:15:55,705 --> 00:15:57,164
you weren't so chipper.

329
00:15:57,248 --> 00:15:59,918
I'm just so happy
I have new clothes.

330
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:01,586
Okay, final shirt.

331
00:16:01,711 --> 00:16:03,712
Then I get you two
out of my angel hair.

332
00:16:04,422 --> 00:16:06,216
Han, you know,
if it weren't for you,

333
00:16:06,298 --> 00:16:07,841
we would have
never gotten this done.

334
00:16:07,966 --> 00:16:10,928
-You really are a little angel.
-Yeah, you are.

335
00:16:11,053 --> 00:16:13,472
But I'm still surprised
you weren't cast as the baby.

336
00:16:14,557 --> 00:16:16,684
Oh, I was asked,
but I declined.

337
00:16:16,850 --> 00:16:18,977
I spent ten years
getting out of diapers.

338
00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:20,730
I'm not getting back in.

339
00:16:22,941 --> 00:16:27,111
Han, for your Christmas gift,
I'll pretend I never heard that.

340
00:16:28,446 --> 00:16:31,573
Places everybody.
The judges are coming.

341
00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:33,493
I'm ready. Joseph's ready.

342
00:16:33,576 --> 00:16:36,078
Cabbage Patch Christ is ready.
Come on.

343
00:16:38,206 --> 00:16:39,374
What's with the cleavage?

344
00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:42,918
I know. She's like
the Not-So-Virgin Mary.

345
00:16:45,713 --> 00:16:48,883
Angel, Shepherd,
Lady with the beard,

346
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:51,094
come on, get in the stable.

347
00:16:51,177 --> 00:16:54,264
"Stable"? The way we look
it should be an unstable.

348
00:16:55,764 --> 00:16:58,183
Everybody ready?
I'm going to open the barn door.

349
00:16:58,308 --> 00:17:00,644
Yeah, I think your barn door's
already a little open.

350
00:17:02,230 --> 00:17:05,650
Okay now, who am I again?
Voltron?

351
00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:08,862
I'm not gonna lie.
One of the wise men

352
00:17:08,987 --> 00:17:11,905
might have smoked
some myrrh-ijuana.

353
00:17:12,906 --> 00:17:15,367
That was a very nice
Christmas gift, Max.

354
00:17:15,451 --> 00:17:16,618
Thanks, Earl.

355
00:17:16,744 --> 00:17:19,247
By the way, Sophie, the barn
and us dressed like idiots?

356
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:20,832
That's your Christmas gift.

357
00:17:21,458 --> 00:17:24,210
And hey, bang Oleg later.
Oleg, that's your gift.

358
00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:26,421
How did you know?

359
00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:27,838
Before they come in,

360
00:17:27,963 --> 00:17:29,840
let's just take a moment
to look around

361
00:17:29,965 --> 00:17:32,634
and really let in
the true spirit of Christmas.

362
00:17:33,135 --> 00:17:35,387
I don't remember
writing you a monologue.

363
00:17:35,512 --> 00:17:38,682
Shut up!
Get your ass over by the horse!

364
00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:41,102
Come on, Han.
Hit the music.

365
00:17:42,436 --> 00:17:43,354
(JINGLES BELLS PLAYS)

366
00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:45,981
All right, everybody, look holy.

367
00:17:46,648 --> 00:17:48,108
Best I can do is my underwear.

368
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:01,663
Oh, crap.

369
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:03,958
That's right, Felka.

370
00:18:04,209 --> 00:18:06,461
I'm the freaking mother of God.

371
00:18:10,714 --> 00:18:14,594
We won.
I'm so happy we won.

372
00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:17,806
We won. We won.

373
00:18:17,888 --> 00:18:20,224
Okay, show's over.

374
00:18:21,142 --> 00:18:23,102
Dump the kid, I'll be upstairs.

375
00:18:23,644 --> 00:18:26,189
Max, take care
of Cabbage Patch Christ.

376
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:30,777
Here, Han.
You got a buddy your own size.

377
00:18:36,740 --> 00:18:38,492
Thank you so much, Barry.

378
00:18:38,576 --> 00:18:40,452
And remember,
I want 50 more shirts

379
00:18:40,577 --> 00:18:43,288
after the first of the year
when I'm back from rehab.

380
00:18:43,413 --> 00:18:47,376
Because ladies, I am planning
a very white Christmas.

381
00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:49,921
Max, this is amazing.

382
00:18:50,003 --> 00:18:51,256
Do you know what just happened
in there?

383
00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:55,468
Yeah, I stole some dope-ass
fingerless gloves.

384
00:18:56,051 --> 00:18:58,846
We're in business with them now.
You have to bring those back.

385
00:18:58,930 --> 00:19:00,848
-I got them for you.
-Okay.

386
00:19:02,224 --> 00:19:04,059
This is like
a Christmas miracle.

387
00:19:04,184 --> 00:19:05,228
Our shirts are being sold

388
00:19:05,353 --> 00:19:07,689
in the most exclusive
bitchy boutique in Manhattan

389
00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:10,148
and they want more, lots more.

390
00:19:10,232 --> 00:19:11,567
Hey, let's go
into your childhood bank.

391
00:19:11,733 --> 00:19:13,403
I need to take an adult pee.

392
00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:14,945
Okay, but this isn't home,

393
00:19:15,028 --> 00:19:17,323
so remember, put the seat down
when you're done.

394
00:19:17,406 --> 00:19:19,784
And while we're in there,
we can apply for that loan.

395
00:19:22,202 --> 00:19:24,622
No, no, no. We can't.
Now I'm afraid.

396
00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:26,415
Come on,
what's the real issue here?

397
00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:28,667
We just had
this amazing success

398
00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:30,502
and it looks like things
are going our way.

399
00:19:30,586 --> 00:19:32,462
And if we go in there,
it could all be ruined.

400
00:19:32,547 --> 00:19:34,632
You know what would ruin
our lives even more?

401
00:19:34,757 --> 00:19:36,049
If we don't get that loan

402
00:19:36,134 --> 00:19:38,677
and have to spend hours with Han
standing under us

403
00:19:38,802 --> 00:19:40,555
trying to finish those shirts.

404
00:19:40,637 --> 00:19:43,098
Well, that's a real Nightmare
Before Christmas. Let's go.

405
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:45,058
Good, cause I'm starting
to pee a little.

406
00:19:51,900 --> 00:19:53,902
He gave us a loan.

407
00:19:54,027 --> 00:19:56,487
Is everyone who works
on the street high?

408
00:19:57,822 --> 00:20:00,240
I can't believe it.
It didn't go bad.

409
00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:02,242
I'm getting everything I want.

410
00:20:02,785 --> 00:20:04,119
Walk on the outside
of the sidewalk.

411
00:20:04,202 --> 00:20:05,454
I'm gonna get hit by a bus.

412
00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:07,332
I mean,
how could he give us a loan?

413
00:20:07,457 --> 00:20:09,459
I didn't even have
to flash my boobs.

414
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,170
Then why did you do it?

415
00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:14,005
I don't know.
They were making it rain.

416
00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:15,714
I felt obliged.

417
00:20:16,633 --> 00:20:18,259
-Max, do you have a dollar?
-I don't know.

418
00:20:18,384 --> 00:20:20,385
Do you have change for $10,000?

419
00:20:21,386 --> 00:20:23,388
-Yeah, here. For what?
-For those less fortunate.

420
00:20:23,513 --> 00:20:25,266
Anne Hathaway's here?

421
00:20:30,188 --> 00:20:32,690
Oh, my God. Look. Look.

422
00:20:33,231 --> 00:20:35,192
Whoa! No way. No way.

423
00:20:35,777 --> 00:20:37,653
Max, I have chills.

424
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:39,572
Well, it is snowing

425
00:20:39,697 --> 00:20:41,615
and there's no fingers
on those gloves.

426
00:20:41,699 --> 00:20:42,909
I love these.

427
00:20:43,076 --> 00:20:44,661
I'm sorry
I didn't get you anything.

428
00:20:44,786 --> 00:20:46,287
I'm just not a thief.

429
00:20:46,412 --> 00:20:48,498
What do you mean
you didn't get me anything?

430
00:20:48,580 --> 00:20:50,583
You got me everything.
Look.

431
00:20:56,005 --> 00:21:00,175
(JINGLE BELLS CONTINUES)

432
00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:13,564
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

433
00:21:29,163 --> 00:21:31,708
(English US - SDH)