1
00:00:01,209 --> 00:00:03,462
Here's your check, Mr. ZZ
and Mr. Top.

2
00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:07,299
Would you like a to-go box

3
00:00:07,466 --> 00:00:08,509
or are you just gonna put it
in your beard

4
00:00:08,634 --> 00:00:09,968
with the rest of your sandwich?

5
00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:13,096
We're in a beard-growing
contest.

6
00:00:13,263 --> 00:00:14,932
They happen all over the
country. It's a pretty big deal.

7
00:00:15,224 --> 00:00:17,768
What's first prize?
Blindfold for your girlfriends?

8
00:00:19,478 --> 00:00:21,771
I'm kidding, I know
you don't have girlfriends.

9
00:00:22,606 --> 00:00:25,150
Actually, this level of hair-art
takes months

10
00:00:25,275 --> 00:00:26,527
of hard work and commitment.

11
00:00:26,736 --> 00:00:29,821
Ah, well, quack, quack,
Duck Dynasty.

12
00:00:31,364 --> 00:00:33,826
My left armpit
could beat you both.

13
00:00:35,076 --> 00:00:37,329
Let me tell you something
on behalf of women everywhere.

14
00:00:37,621 --> 00:00:40,207
We-don't-like-beards.

15
00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:41,667
Caroline? Beards?

16
00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:43,502
I never liked being one.

17
00:00:45,337 --> 00:00:48,631
Ladies, if his name is Trace,
get the hell out of there.

18
00:00:50,468 --> 00:00:52,427
See? So, shave, losers.

19
00:00:52,677 --> 00:00:54,472
If you're chinless
or chin-plentiful,

20
00:00:55,639 --> 00:00:57,515
it's better than
what you've got going on.

21
00:00:58,100 --> 00:01:00,018
There's your tip,
be generous with mine.

22
00:01:01,645 --> 00:01:03,314
You actually insult people

23
00:01:03,481 --> 00:01:05,106
and then expect them
to give you money?

24
00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:07,358
That's how it works
with you and me.

25
00:01:08,486 --> 00:01:10,862
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

26
00:01:11,489 --> 00:01:12,698
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

27
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:21,748
Thanks. Bye.

28
00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:24,335
Everyone's loving
our new cupcake T-shirts.

29
00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:26,253
I've sold four in the last hour.

30
00:01:26,629 --> 00:01:29,465
Three more and we can afford
that towel we've had our eye on.

31
00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:33,051
These T-shirts keep selling.
That means more money.

32
00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:35,596
Mo' money means mo' success.

33
00:01:36,055 --> 00:01:39,265
"Mo' Success"?
I think I dated his cousin, Les.

34
00:01:40,850 --> 00:01:42,311
Hey, everybody.

35
00:01:43,978 --> 00:01:45,688
Mind if I stop for a breather?

36
00:01:45,980 --> 00:01:48,484
I've been briding my ass off.

37
00:01:50,109 --> 00:01:52,028
Sophie, are those
all your bridal magazines?

38
00:01:52,278 --> 00:01:53,614
That's only half.

39
00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:55,365
Come on, Oleg.

40
00:01:55,698 --> 00:01:58,536
Look, if those are too heavy,
how are you gonna be able

41
00:01:58,701 --> 00:02:01,037
to push the wedding donkey
down the aisle?

42
00:02:02,998 --> 00:02:04,207
Wedding donkey?

43
00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:07,293
My excitement level for this
wedding just skyrocketed.

44
00:02:07,710 --> 00:02:08,878
Relax, Sophie.

45
00:02:09,045 --> 00:02:11,590
If I know how to do anything,
it's how to move an ass.

46
00:02:12,550 --> 00:02:13,925
That's true. Yeah.

47
00:02:14,759 --> 00:02:18,180
Wow, you're carrying more heavy
issues than Amanda Bynes.

48
00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:20,431
Look at all these.

49
00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,768
Beautiful Bride, Modern Bride,
City Bride.

50
00:02:23,060 --> 00:02:25,437
And do you really need
African American Bride?

51
00:02:26,521 --> 00:02:28,774
Well, I haven't ruled out
cornrows.

52
00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:33,152
Cornrows and a donkey?
RSVP yes.

53
00:02:35,948 --> 00:02:38,033
Oh, yeah.
This one's hot.

54
00:02:40,703 --> 00:02:42,162
Save that one for later.

55
00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:45,164
Oh, I forgot
I'm getting married.

56
00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:48,877
Keep her.
I might need a Tuesday off.

57
00:02:50,545 --> 00:02:52,590
Sophie, why don't you get some
help from your maid of honor?

58
00:02:52,715 --> 00:02:54,550
-I will kill you.
-Or a wedding planner?

59
00:02:55,884 --> 00:02:59,972
Oh, Sophie, my cousin, Svetlana,
is a wedding planner.

60
00:03:00,556 --> 00:03:03,391
Okay, but she better be good.

61
00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:09,063
Because I want everything
to be perfect on my big day.

62
00:03:10,316 --> 00:03:13,693
-Our big day.
-Yeah. Sure.

63
00:03:17,948 --> 00:03:20,033
I can't believe this.
They're getting married

64
00:03:20,158 --> 00:03:23,203
and I don't have a wedding
donkey anywhere on my horizon.

65
00:03:24,663 --> 00:03:26,039
OMG.

66
00:03:26,539 --> 00:03:28,918
You sell these T-shirts?
I just bought one.

67
00:03:29,418 --> 00:03:31,502
Did I just sell you that shirt
and already forgot?

68
00:03:31,711 --> 00:03:34,965
I knew that 9-cent deodorant
was gonna give me brain lesions.

69
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:38,218
Well, the label did have
a picture of a brain

70
00:03:38,384 --> 00:03:40,219
with "No Bueno" written on it.

71
00:03:41,972 --> 00:03:44,057
No, I bought it at a store
in Manhattan

72
00:03:44,182 --> 00:03:45,643
on East Ninth and Broadway.

73
00:03:45,808 --> 00:03:48,145
I know because I'm OCD
and it was 67 steps

74
00:03:48,312 --> 00:03:50,229
and 14 sidewalk cracks
from the corner.

75
00:03:51,856 --> 00:03:54,526
Max, someone else
is selling our shirts.

76
00:03:54,817 --> 00:03:57,403
I know. We're getting hosed
by some other hoes.

77
00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:03,826
I can't believe
they stole our shirt.

78
00:04:04,203 --> 00:04:05,412
The one thing we made

79
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,288
that people
actually wanted to buy.

80
00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:08,790
I feel like Myspace.

81
00:04:09,540 --> 00:04:11,919
I haven't seen anything
this upsetting in a window

82
00:04:12,086 --> 00:04:13,461
since that time
I accidentally caught

83
00:04:13,628 --> 00:04:16,507
a reflection of myself
in my waitress uniform.

84
00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:19,927
We need to talk to someone

85
00:04:20,052 --> 00:04:21,512
about those damn shirts
you jacked.

86
00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:22,553
We about to rumble.

87
00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:24,639
What she means is,
we wish to speak to someone

88
00:04:24,764 --> 00:04:27,225
about the adorable cupcake
T-shirts in the window

89
00:04:27,393 --> 00:04:29,353
or we will be about to rumble.

90
00:04:30,353 --> 00:04:32,146
I'm just working here
until I get my PhD

91
00:04:32,271 --> 00:04:34,733
in the Eco-Social Dynamics
of Western Civilization.

92
00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:36,735
So, forever?

93
00:04:37,653 --> 00:04:39,362
Those T-shirts are our design

94
00:04:39,487 --> 00:04:40,656
and we need to know
why they're here

95
00:04:40,738 --> 00:04:41,949
and who knocked them off.

96
00:04:42,324 --> 00:04:44,283
It's the granddaughter
of the woman who owns this shop.

97
00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:47,036
She's kind of a monster
and she's walking in right now.

98
00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:48,706
Hi, Kemberly and Ashlin.

99
00:04:49,081 --> 00:04:50,749
These ladies are interested
in your T-shirts.

100
00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:53,043
-Aren't they cute?
-So cute.

101
00:04:53,252 --> 00:04:55,754
Yeah, super cute.
We designed them.

102
00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:58,007
Yeah, we designed them.

103
00:04:58,382 --> 00:05:00,341
-What?
-Yeah, what?

104
00:05:01,259 --> 00:05:02,886
Ashlin and Kimberly, is it?

105
00:05:03,052 --> 00:05:04,680
It's Kemberly, with an "E."

106
00:05:05,014 --> 00:05:07,141
I changed it myself
because I'm original.

107
00:05:07,348 --> 00:05:09,393
Yeah, she's an original.

108
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,644
You know what's not original?

109
00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:14,105
Those shirts.
You stole them from us.

110
00:05:14,523 --> 00:05:16,190
We did not steal your idea.

111
00:05:16,315 --> 00:05:18,401
Yeah, we did not steal
your idea.

112
00:05:18,651 --> 00:05:20,487
We copied it
from this lame cupcake shop

113
00:05:20,571 --> 00:05:21,822
in Brooklyn.

114
00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:24,324
Wait a minute.

115
00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:27,452
We have a lame cupcake shop
in Brooklyn.

116
00:05:29,579 --> 00:05:32,165
Ashlin, you talk too much.

117
00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:34,250
This is why everyone knows
about my lap-band.

118
00:05:34,584 --> 00:05:35,586
I think they know about it

119
00:05:35,793 --> 00:05:38,047
because you lost 200 pounds
over spring break.

120
00:05:39,505 --> 00:05:42,050
It's hard to believe she
was once twice this obnoxious.

121
00:05:42,968 --> 00:05:44,386
If you don't stop
selling our T-shirts,

122
00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:46,137
we're gonna have
to get our lawyer involved.

123
00:05:46,305 --> 00:05:49,141
Yeah, we're gonna have
to get our lawyer involved.

124
00:05:49,348 --> 00:05:51,310
And he's gonna kill you.

125
00:05:52,144 --> 00:05:53,812
I don't know what lawyers do.

126
00:05:55,146 --> 00:05:57,066
We're totally not doing this
for us.

127
00:05:57,483 --> 00:05:59,860
-We're rich.
-Yeah, we're rich.

128
00:06:00,194 --> 00:06:02,696
A percentage of every shirt
that we sell goes to charity.

129
00:06:02,821 --> 00:06:04,490
Yeah, it goes to charity.

130
00:06:05,281 --> 00:06:07,701
We are the charity
that it needs to go to.

131
00:06:09,119 --> 00:06:10,745
You're old
and desperate for money.

132
00:06:11,163 --> 00:06:12,288
And I totally get it.

133
00:06:12,538 --> 00:06:14,290
My aunt's one of the
Real Housewives of New York.

134
00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:15,793
But, sorry.

135
00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:18,420
It's the one without the leg.

136
00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:23,132
What just happened here?

137
00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:25,218
That girl just called you old.

138
00:06:30,432 --> 00:06:33,060
Earl, I don't think
I'm gonna be buying you

139
00:06:33,143 --> 00:06:35,687
that pinky ring you wanted
any time soon.

140
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:39,899
No rush, Max,
you got plenty of time.

141
00:06:40,024 --> 00:06:44,153
I got like, six or seven months
before I turn to dust.

142
00:06:45,613 --> 00:06:47,406
It's because our T-shirts
got ripped off

143
00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:49,534
by a couple of prep school girls
in Manhattan.

144
00:06:49,742 --> 00:06:51,411
It's like a bad 80's movie.

145
00:06:52,286 --> 00:06:54,288
I don't know whether
to date James Spader,

146
00:06:54,456 --> 00:06:56,707
or teach this town how to dance.

147
00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:01,004
This is so unfair.

148
00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:02,964
Those girls
can't just steal from us.

149
00:07:03,132 --> 00:07:04,716
This isn't 7-Eleven.

150
00:07:06,343 --> 00:07:08,887
Max, I can't believe
your naiveté.

151
00:07:09,637 --> 00:07:12,098
What does my body spray
have to do with anything?

152
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:16,769
Look, there is no reason to be
so upset about those two girls.

153
00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:18,437
They're not gonna affect
our business.

154
00:07:18,564 --> 00:07:20,858
Plus, they have to live
with themselves.

155
00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:22,442
And karma is a bitch.

156
00:07:22,526 --> 00:07:25,778
I mean, I littered once and,
huh, look what happened to me.

157
00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:29,199
Hey, everybody.

158
00:07:31,869 --> 00:07:34,579
I'm up to my nuts
in bridal junk.

159
00:07:36,874 --> 00:07:39,834
There she is.
The love of my life.

160
00:07:40,002 --> 00:07:43,797
The yin to my yang.
The zing to my wang.

161
00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:48,093
Save that gold for the vows.

162
00:07:49,927 --> 00:07:52,139
I am Svetlana, Oleg's cousin.

163
00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:53,891
Well, darling,
it could be worse.

164
00:07:54,057 --> 00:07:55,975
You could be his sister.

165
00:07:57,101 --> 00:07:58,519
Svetty.

166
00:07:59,021 --> 00:08:02,983
-And you must be Sophie.
-Yeah.

167
00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:05,151
No.

168
00:08:06,694 --> 00:08:09,156
But you haven't even heard
any ideas.

169
00:08:09,488 --> 00:08:11,240
Caroline.

170
00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:15,036
Sophie, why did you just say
my name?

171
00:08:15,411 --> 00:08:18,040
Oh, it's Oleg's
and my safe word.

172
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:23,336
Yeah. It means no.

173
00:08:25,797 --> 00:08:30,259
It's the one word we both agreed
we would never say during sex.

174
00:08:32,803 --> 00:08:34,222
Are you sure?

175
00:08:34,389 --> 00:08:37,100
Because I give free oil change
with every wedding.

176
00:08:38,894 --> 00:08:40,770
Caroline!

177
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:46,735
All right, well,
I'll be in my booth.

178
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,822
You know,
this wedding planner thing

179
00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:54,076
is as crappy as the movie
of the same name.

180
00:08:56,245 --> 00:08:58,288
Girls, I forgot to tell you,

181
00:08:58,455 --> 00:09:00,749
a man came by today
with this letter for you.

182
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,625
This reminds me
of when I was a young,

183
00:09:02,793 --> 00:09:04,378
hot-shot courier.

184
00:09:06,462 --> 00:09:09,006
I was a young,
hot-shot courier once, too.

185
00:09:09,466 --> 00:09:11,176
I used to deliver drugs
to my mother at work

186
00:09:11,342 --> 00:09:12,885
on my tricycle.

187
00:09:14,011 --> 00:09:16,181
Oh, my God, Max,
you're not gonna believe this

188
00:09:16,347 --> 00:09:19,475
but those two girls have issued
a cease and desist order.

189
00:09:19,684 --> 00:09:21,519
Those bitches!
What's that?

190
00:09:22,645 --> 00:09:25,356
They're saying we have
to stop selling our T-shirts.

191
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,109
That's what I told them
we were gonna do.

192
00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:29,068
They even copied this idea.

193
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:30,611
We need to get a lawyer.

194
00:09:30,861 --> 00:09:34,157
How? We can't even afford
Law & Order on iTunes.

195
00:09:34,865 --> 00:09:36,409
Hey, do you think
we could afford that lawyer

196
00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:37,619
on the subway billboards?

197
00:09:37,827 --> 00:09:39,453
The one who has a gavel
in one hand

198
00:09:39,620 --> 00:09:40,831
and a chicken in the other?

199
00:09:41,623 --> 00:09:43,959
I think he just does accidentes.

200
00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:47,962
What is going on here?

201
00:09:48,171 --> 00:09:49,755
There's food
waiting in the window,

202
00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:51,633
periodicals strewn about.

203
00:09:51,799 --> 00:09:53,427
Someone's on his periodical.

204
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:56,304
Han, we just got served.

205
00:09:56,638 --> 00:09:58,807
At least someone
in the diner has.

206
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,644
You're lucky your boss
is so chill.

207
00:10:03,061 --> 00:10:04,270
Of course you're chill,

208
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:06,105
you're one
of Mr. Popper's penguins.

209
00:10:11,903 --> 00:10:12,988
How about this?

210
00:10:13,572 --> 00:10:15,740
We'll do the jobs
you already pay us for

211
00:10:15,990 --> 00:10:18,243
if you agree to pretend
to be our lawyer.

212
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:19,327
You have a suit, right?

213
00:10:19,661 --> 00:10:21,245
Why would I pretend
to be a lawyer?

214
00:10:21,413 --> 00:10:24,249
You can't even pretend
to be waitresses.

215
00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:28,669
No one's gonna believe
Han's our lawyer, anyway.

216
00:10:29,086 --> 00:10:31,715
He can't pass the bar,
he can barely see over one.

217
00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:35,344
That's it.
I've had it with you two

218
00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:36,635
and your non-work ethic.

219
00:10:36,802 --> 00:10:40,014
And this area is for customers.
I want these out of here.

220
00:10:40,222 --> 00:10:42,350
-(CLATTERING)
-(MAX SCREAMS)

221
00:10:44,394 --> 00:10:45,519
Uh-oh.

222
00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:47,188
Max?

223
00:10:48,856 --> 00:10:52,193
I suppose I could dig up a suit
if that could, somehow,

224
00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:55,614
make this boss striking
his employee thing go away.

225
00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:03,496
Max, of course,
these girls go to Dalby Hall,

226
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:05,206
all my archenemies did.

227
00:11:05,499 --> 00:11:07,708
I guess Lady Gaga
won in the end, though.

228
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:11,462
In other news,
I kind of like this eye-patch.

229
00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:13,631
I know you do,

230
00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:16,802
you were pretending to be
the pirate queen of the subway.

231
00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:20,389
Well, no one arrrgh-ued with us.

232
00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:23,557
How long did the eye doctor say
you have to keep it on?

233
00:11:23,808 --> 00:11:26,019
And by eye doctor, I mean,
that first-year med student

234
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:28,020
we gave the free dessert to.

235
00:11:28,397 --> 00:11:30,399
A few days, which is a bummer,

236
00:11:30,565 --> 00:11:32,274
because only seeing half
of how sad we are

237
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,610
is kind of a blessing.

238
00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:36,446
How are we gonna find them?

239
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:39,740
Follow the scent of our decaying
T-shirts business?

240
00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:42,827
According to Instagram,
they're in the cafeteria, see?

241
00:11:43,245 --> 00:11:45,371
Ashlin just posted a pic
of a mini-pizza.

242
00:11:45,663 --> 00:11:48,125
"#ThatPizzaLife."

243
00:11:49,292 --> 00:11:51,503
They have mini-pizzas here?

244
00:11:51,919 --> 00:11:53,963
My high school
didn't even have heat.

245
00:11:55,465 --> 00:11:58,509
Sorry I'm late. I had to pick up
a suit at the Men's Warehouse.

246
00:11:59,009 --> 00:12:01,888
Don't you mean the
Not Quite A Man's Warehouse?

247
00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:06,143
Han, I love your lawyer costume.
So authentic.

248
00:12:06,308 --> 00:12:08,894
Only thing missing is the hole
where your soul should be.

249
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:10,522
Well, as I always say,

250
00:12:10,688 --> 00:12:11,648
if you're going
to do something...

251
00:12:11,815 --> 00:12:12,691
Do it with your left hand

252
00:12:12,857 --> 00:12:14,442
so it will feel like
someone else?

253
00:12:17,528 --> 00:12:20,657
No, if you're going
to do something, do it right.

254
00:12:21,158 --> 00:12:24,201
Last Halloween, I went as Sprout
from the Green Giant commercial

255
00:12:24,452 --> 00:12:27,080
and I even put pea pods
over my pee-pee.

256
00:12:28,706 --> 00:12:30,750
You laugh,
but I won 500 dollars.

257
00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:34,044
Okay, I created my own cease
and desist order.

258
00:12:34,379 --> 00:12:35,379
Where did you get this?

259
00:12:35,754 --> 00:12:37,298
Same place Max printed out
that fake,

260
00:12:37,466 --> 00:12:39,134
"I don't have herpes"
doctor's certificate.

261
00:12:40,177 --> 00:12:41,219
It works.

262
00:12:42,052 --> 00:12:43,846
And here's your business card.

263
00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:47,683
Where? Where is it?
I can't see.

264
00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:52,647
Here. And Han, I hope
you're a better actor than Max.

265
00:12:52,980 --> 00:12:56,234
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
is a better actor than Max.

266
00:12:57,235 --> 00:12:59,528
"Mr. Lu Su"?
That's what you came up with?

267
00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:00,989
"Mr. Lu Su"?

268
00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:02,990
Well, you're a lawyer,

269
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:05,910
so the "Su" part
is totally on point.

270
00:13:06,660 --> 00:13:09,998
But "Lu Su"?
No Asian was ever named that.

271
00:13:10,664 --> 00:13:12,918
Maybe not in this galaxy

272
00:13:13,250 --> 00:13:16,754
but might I remind you
of a Mr. Sulu.

273
00:13:18,423 --> 00:13:21,301
Oh, yeah. I mixed it up.
Genius.

274
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,386
Han, you don't have
to use the cards.

275
00:13:24,721 --> 00:13:25,804
I can make it work.

276
00:13:26,096 --> 00:13:28,265
Two Halloweens ago,
I was an Ewok

277
00:13:28,432 --> 00:13:30,894
and turned an orange bath-towel
into a turban.

278
00:13:31,769 --> 00:13:33,812
Second place. 250 dollars.

279
00:13:34,648 --> 00:13:36,066
And next Halloween,
you can wear that

280
00:13:36,191 --> 00:13:38,192
and goes as a lesbian minister.

281
00:13:42,113 --> 00:13:44,407
Okay, so the plan is,
we go in there

282
00:13:44,740 --> 00:13:46,368
and calmly confront them
with our attorney.

283
00:13:46,618 --> 00:13:47,576
I'll do the talking.

284
00:13:47,869 --> 00:13:49,828
Han, you stand there
and try to look smart.

285
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:52,749
I'm already Asian.
So, done.

286
00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:58,504
(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

287
00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:01,173
Wow, this brings me back.

288
00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:03,259
I had a seat
at the popular table,

289
00:14:03,426 --> 00:14:05,553
the Debate Team table,
the Student Council table

290
00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:07,179
and the Waiting
For Marriage table.

291
00:14:07,471 --> 00:14:08,639
But that table
kind of fell apart

292
00:14:08,722 --> 00:14:10,600
when everybody got pregnant
but me.

293
00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:13,436
I ate in the school parking lot
with a wino.

294
00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:17,440
He was so nice to me,
I thought he might be my dad.

295
00:14:18,274 --> 00:14:19,650
But then he never made a move
on me,

296
00:14:19,775 --> 00:14:21,235
so I guess he wasn't.

297
00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:23,529
Attention everyone, attention.

298
00:14:24,114 --> 00:14:26,825
Yeah, attention everyone,
attention.

299
00:14:27,158 --> 00:14:29,827
Ashlin and I are here today
to sell our T-shirts

300
00:14:30,161 --> 00:14:32,998
and to talk about bullying
and how it's not cool.

301
00:14:33,498 --> 00:14:35,125
It's so not cool.

302
00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:38,836
-I was talking, Ash.
-Yeah, she was talking.

303
00:14:40,087 --> 00:14:42,340
Their charity is bullying?

304
00:14:42,631 --> 00:14:46,052
That's like Kanye West trying
to raise money for laying low.

305
00:14:47,678 --> 00:14:50,639
A three dollar donation will be
made to our anti-bullying fund

306
00:14:50,807 --> 00:14:53,726
with each purchase of one
of our super, super cute tees.

307
00:14:54,059 --> 00:14:56,104
Super, super cute tees.

308
00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:58,188
My super cute tee!

309
00:14:58,523 --> 00:14:59,899
Best idea I ever had.

310
00:15:00,191 --> 00:15:02,277
Right up there with the bong
with a chin strap

311
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,403
so you could be hands-free
to change the channel.

312
00:15:06,072 --> 00:15:08,575
So buy one right now
and then we'll be back later

313
00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:10,409
for the rest
of our anti-bully talk.

314
00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:13,663
Yeah, buy them
or my dad won't pay

315
00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:15,456
for the lacrosse equipment
this year.

316
00:15:19,376 --> 00:15:22,004
Let's go.
They are making a fortune on us.

317
00:15:22,129 --> 00:15:24,883
And if I'm gonna get screwed,
it better be by someone over 21.

318
00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:28,385
Yeah, that sounds like a job
with a two drink minimum.

319
00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:31,181
Han, don't mess this up

320
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:32,890
or you'll be eating
those glasses.

321
00:15:33,390 --> 00:15:36,436
Might I interest you
in an anti-bullying pamphlet?

322
00:15:37,479 --> 00:15:39,855
Might I interest you
in a seat on my finger?

323
00:15:40,398 --> 00:15:42,232
Hey, how did you two
get in here?

324
00:15:42,650 --> 00:15:45,028
The school pays guards out front
to keep out the homeless.

325
00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:47,529
Yeah, well, jokes on you.

326
00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:49,573
Because they just let us
walk in.

327
00:15:50,033 --> 00:15:52,701
Hello, girls.
You can "cease and desist"

328
00:15:52,786 --> 00:15:54,245
selling our T-shirts as of now.

329
00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:57,706
This is our attorney, Mr. Lu Su.

330
00:15:58,249 --> 00:16:00,293
And he is holding
our cease and desist

331
00:16:00,543 --> 00:16:02,544
to counter
your cease and desist.

332
00:16:03,879 --> 00:16:05,048
Okay, well, first,

333
00:16:05,215 --> 00:16:07,591
your lawyer looks like
a teacher on a Disney show.

334
00:16:08,884 --> 00:16:10,345
Is that a bad thing?

335
00:16:11,679 --> 00:16:13,222
And if you have
anything further to say,

336
00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:15,265
you can take it up
with my lawyer. Her dad.

337
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:16,893
And he's real good.

338
00:16:17,101 --> 00:16:18,477
He got that CEO guy

339
00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:20,437
who admitted he killed
his whole family

340
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:22,565
out on a technicality.

341
00:16:23,441 --> 00:16:25,025
I forgot how mean girls can be.

342
00:16:25,235 --> 00:16:26,860
How? I'm your roommate.

343
00:16:28,071 --> 00:16:30,657
Thank you, Kemberly.
Thank you, Ashlin.

344
00:16:34,411 --> 00:16:35,662
A little help.

345
00:16:41,418 --> 00:16:44,921
Hello, girls,
you all look very nice.

346
00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:46,548
What is he doing?

347
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:48,006
Hopefully a tight 10

348
00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:49,717
and then he'll bring up
the headliner.

349
00:16:50,384 --> 00:16:51,845
This may be hard to believe

350
00:16:51,970 --> 00:16:54,013
looking at me
in this totally awesome suit,

351
00:16:54,431 --> 00:16:57,057
but I know a little something
about being bullied.

352
00:16:57,433 --> 00:17:00,227
-As a little child...
-And as a slightly bigger adult.

353
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,898
Seriously? In the middle
of his bullying speech,

354
00:17:04,022 --> 00:17:07,109
-youre bullying?
-Kind of surprised even myself.

355
00:17:08,236 --> 00:17:10,238
I have someone who bullies me.

356
00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:11,865
Okay, let's get out of here
while I can.

357
00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:15,701
It's not just the hitting
and the name-calling.

358
00:17:15,951 --> 00:17:18,078
Although, not gonna lie,
that's a real bummer.

359
00:17:18,954 --> 00:17:22,584
You see, girls, the bad thing
about being bullied

360
00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:24,544
is that every time it happens,

361
00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:27,588
it steals a little piece
of who you are.

362
00:17:27,922 --> 00:17:30,592
And then, if it happens enough,
little by little,

363
00:17:31,509 --> 00:17:35,305
you become just a little less
of who you were meant to be.

364
00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:37,766
And that's not cool.

365
00:17:38,016 --> 00:17:40,226
And these two girls up here,
without knowing it,

366
00:17:40,477 --> 00:17:43,730
I'm sure, stole a little piece
of Max and Caroline.

367
00:17:43,938 --> 00:17:46,441
When they stole
their little idea.

368
00:17:46,982 --> 00:17:48,984
And that's so not cool.

369
00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:52,029
Yeah, that's so not cool.

370
00:17:52,447 --> 00:17:54,699
Max, Caroline,
we'll stop making the shirts.

371
00:17:54,990 --> 00:17:58,702
-Ash, I never said that.
-Ah, no, Kemberly. I did.

372
00:17:59,037 --> 00:18:01,663
And I liked you more
before the lap-band.

373
00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:04,500
When you were still Kimberly
with an "I."

374
00:18:05,375 --> 00:18:07,377
(GASPING)

375
00:18:16,221 --> 00:18:20,349
-Max, did Han just save us?
-I wasn't listening,

376
00:18:20,517 --> 00:18:22,352
I was putting mini-pizzas
in my pocket.

377
00:18:31,152 --> 00:18:34,154
Girls, your shift started
40 minutes ago.

378
00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:36,240
What are you doing here
so early?

379
00:18:38,492 --> 00:18:39,952
Earl, good news.

380
00:18:40,118 --> 00:18:43,288
We are now the sole owners
of all those cupcake T-shirts.

381
00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:45,750
And, literally, nothing else.

382
00:18:46,584 --> 00:18:47,876
Maybe I could rent a parrot

383
00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:50,003
and pick up some shifts
at Long John Silver's.

384
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:51,964
Hey, girls.

385
00:18:52,339 --> 00:18:54,384
I'm about to meet
another wedding planner.

386
00:18:54,843 --> 00:18:58,054
And this one's gonna be good.
He's gay.

387
00:19:00,013 --> 00:19:03,809
Sophie Kachinsky?
Yes, God.

388
00:19:04,018 --> 00:19:05,310
From the second
I walked in here,

389
00:19:05,435 --> 00:19:07,355
I said to myself,
"That has to be her."

390
00:19:07,521 --> 00:19:10,817
And I can see it. We're gonna
make magic together.

391
00:19:14,112 --> 00:19:16,948
Now, what's gay for "no"?

392
00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:19,784
Okay.

393
00:19:22,327 --> 00:19:25,539
Wow, I think
we just survived a torgaydo.

394
00:19:28,209 --> 00:19:29,460
(MOANS)

395
00:19:29,626 --> 00:19:32,713
Where am I gonna find
another gay wedding planner

396
00:19:32,881 --> 00:19:35,048
in New York now?

397
00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:39,095
Just throw a tantrum
in a Crate & Barrel

398
00:19:39,177 --> 00:19:40,930
and five of them
will come running.

399
00:19:43,724 --> 00:19:46,519
Hey, nice legal work today.

400
00:19:46,685 --> 00:19:48,980
You should be
on the Little People's Court.

401
00:19:50,397 --> 00:19:53,526
Yeah, from now on,
I'm calling you "Hanny Cochran."

402
00:19:54,693 --> 00:19:56,695
Okay. Next time you want
to thank me,

403
00:19:56,904 --> 00:19:58,655
just send me
an Edible Arrangement.

404
00:19:59,115 --> 00:20:01,491
I don't know many times
I have to drop that hint.

405
00:20:03,076 --> 00:20:05,078
But that's just, like,
a two-inch drop.

406
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:12,336
Sorry. I can't help myself.
But I'm going to try.

407
00:20:12,502 --> 00:20:14,087
Because I know I was the bully

408
00:20:14,255 --> 00:20:15,882
you were talking about
on that speech.

409
00:20:16,298 --> 00:20:19,259
What? I was talking about
the doorwoman in my building.

410
00:20:19,676 --> 00:20:21,346
I have to submit
to a purple-nurple

411
00:20:21,511 --> 00:20:22,888
just to get my mail.

412
00:20:24,598 --> 00:20:25,974
There's another woman?

413
00:20:26,851 --> 00:20:29,604
Max, I think Han
has a side bully.

414
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,815
Well, I'll just have
to try harder.

415
00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:35,567
Because if anyone
is gonna mercilessly nurple you

416
00:20:35,652 --> 00:20:38,112
into an early grave,
it's got to be me.

417
00:20:39,529 --> 00:20:41,449
I'd like to think so, Max.

418
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,868
You'd also like to ride
in a car facing forwards.

419
00:20:48,664 --> 00:20:49,874
Back to normal.

420
00:20:53,711 --> 00:20:55,755
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

421
00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:59,549
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

422
00:21:18,653 --> 00:21:21,071
(English US - SDH)