1 00:00:01,752 --> 00:00:05,756 Welcome to the Williamsburg Diner Awards Night. 2 00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:08,968 And here's your host, Neil Patrick Hairless. 3 00:00:09,051 --> 00:00:12,221 This is the night where everyone is recognized 4 00:00:12,304 --> 00:00:14,765 for their, well, let's call it "work." 5 00:00:16,141 --> 00:00:19,437 Nice suit, Han. I loved you in The Penguins of Madagascar. 6 00:00:20,437 --> 00:00:22,231 Here we go. The award for 7 00:00:22,314 --> 00:00:24,859 Worst Excuse for Being Late to Work goes to... 8 00:00:24,942 --> 00:00:28,111 Earl for, "I died." 9 00:00:28,821 --> 00:00:30,489 It was true. 10 00:00:30,573 --> 00:00:34,033 I was dead for a full 60 seconds. 11 00:00:34,493 --> 00:00:37,496 And the Foreign Film Award goes to Oleg, 12 00:00:37,579 --> 00:00:40,832 for always being covered in a foreign film. 13 00:00:40,915 --> 00:00:44,335 Yeah. I have so many bacteria to thank 14 00:00:44,420 --> 00:00:47,923 but a special shout-out to streptococcus. 15 00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:52,051 And the winner for Best Lie Told to Get a Bigger Tip goes to... 16 00:00:52,136 --> 00:00:53,262 Good luck, girl. 17 00:00:53,929 --> 00:00:56,473 It's an honor to share this category with you. 18 00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:57,682 ...it's Max! 19 00:00:58,183 --> 00:00:59,976 For showing customers pictures 20 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,729 of her three small children on a regular basis. 21 00:01:02,813 --> 00:01:04,606 Wow! 22 00:01:04,689 --> 00:01:07,317 This award is dedicated to the lights of my life. 23 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:10,653 Maxine, Max Jr., and Maxi-Pad. 24 00:01:12,198 --> 00:01:15,325 I know only one of you can see and hear me, 25 00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:20,206 so please tell the others I love you. 26 00:01:22,081 --> 00:01:25,293 And the award for Best Waitress goes to... 27 00:01:25,376 --> 00:01:27,129 -It better not. -...Caroline. 28 00:01:27,212 --> 00:01:29,006 No! 29 00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:32,759 Well, I guess it's true. Women only win awards 30 00:01:32,843 --> 00:01:35,888 when they take on roles that are humiliating. 31 00:01:35,971 --> 00:01:39,808 And the Best Animated Short goes to Han Lee. 32 00:01:48,484 --> 00:01:50,610 (THEME MUSIC PLAYS) 33 00:01:50,694 --> 00:01:52,403 (CASH REGISTER RINGS) 34 00:01:59,578 --> 00:02:00,578 Here's your menu. 35 00:02:00,662 --> 00:02:02,790 I'll be right back with your water and a stomach pump. 36 00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:05,751 Keep it. I know what I want. 37 00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:06,918 Me too. 38 00:02:07,001 --> 00:02:08,127 But it just seems like Taylor Swift 39 00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:10,213 is never going away. 40 00:02:11,757 --> 00:02:16,469 Yeah. You're funny. Yeah. I'm not in the mood for funny. 41 00:02:18,055 --> 00:02:22,308 I will take tomato soup, house salad, extra croutons. 42 00:02:22,393 --> 00:02:24,562 And you can charge me extra 43 00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:27,564 if you have no heart behind those gazongas. 44 00:02:27,647 --> 00:02:30,734 It's cool. The guy at the counter has no teeth, 45 00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:32,235 so you can have his. 46 00:02:33,027 --> 00:02:36,240 Less funny, more salad. Okay? 47 00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:38,741 Maybe the blonde one should bring it. 48 00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:42,954 Oh, you want her to bring it? Maybe clear your calendar. 49 00:02:43,872 --> 00:02:45,790 Uh, the lady in the booth doesn't like my attitude 50 00:02:45,875 --> 00:02:48,252 and wants you, so I guess what I'm saying is: 51 00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:49,545 I still got it. 52 00:02:51,087 --> 00:02:53,674 Wait, a customer asked for me and didn't follow it 53 00:02:53,757 --> 00:02:55,884 with, "I'd also like to see the manager"? 54 00:02:55,968 --> 00:02:57,302 That's a first for me. 55 00:02:57,385 --> 00:03:00,764 Yo, Blondie! Croutons! 56 00:03:02,515 --> 00:03:04,977 Pick up. Tomato soup, house salad. 57 00:03:05,060 --> 00:03:07,812 And I'm also running a special on D batteries. 58 00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:11,025 Buy both, and I'll thrown in this bootleg copy 59 00:03:11,108 --> 00:03:13,360 of Horrible Bosses II. 60 00:03:14,777 --> 00:03:17,656 Here comes "Horrible Bosses Too Small." 61 00:03:19,115 --> 00:03:22,328 You need some new batteries to keep walking and talking? 62 00:03:22,411 --> 00:03:26,122 No, Max, I'm not powered by double Ds like you. 63 00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:34,715 Preach. 64 00:03:35,841 --> 00:03:38,259 Don't buy batteries from that guy 65 00:03:38,343 --> 00:03:41,430 unless you want your heart to stop on the bus. 66 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:46,100 Oleg, this is supposed to have extra croutons. 67 00:03:46,185 --> 00:03:47,353 It's for my regular. 68 00:03:47,436 --> 00:03:50,063 Yeah, you heard me. It happened. 69 00:03:50,146 --> 00:03:52,816 Oh, no, Extra Croutons is here again? 70 00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:56,277 Make sure you charge her extra. I'm not made of stale bread. 71 00:03:56,361 --> 00:03:58,322 No, you're made of Legos, right? 72 00:03:59,448 --> 00:04:00,782 We are not charging her extra. 73 00:04:00,866 --> 00:04:02,992 She looks like she can't afford it. 74 00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:05,329 If she could, why would she be eating here? 75 00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:07,705 Well, don't judge a book by its cover. People look at me and-- 76 00:04:07,789 --> 00:04:10,042 Think you're bad in bed? What's your point? 77 00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:13,711 For your information, Max, I'm not bad in bed. 78 00:04:13,795 --> 00:04:17,423 In fact, I'm quite the stud in my Sims community. 79 00:04:17,507 --> 00:04:21,512 You wouldn't be a stud in a retirement community. 80 00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:23,680 (OLEG RINGS BELL) 81 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:26,266 Hi. Here's your salad... 82 00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:30,728 Five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10. Continue. 83 00:04:30,812 --> 00:04:32,355 ...and I wanted to introduce myself. 84 00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:34,233 I'm Caroline, you're regular waitress. 85 00:04:34,316 --> 00:04:35,651 Ah. 86 00:04:35,733 --> 00:04:38,153 Oh! My turn. Sorry. 87 00:04:38,237 --> 00:04:42,365 I live alone, and my plants aren't this needy. I'm Nola. 88 00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:44,826 And this is Max. Max, this is Nola. 89 00:04:44,909 --> 00:04:47,829 -'Sup, Lola? -It's Nola. 90 00:04:47,913 --> 00:04:50,415 See, this is why I like the blonde one. 91 00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:52,292 She listens. 92 00:04:52,375 --> 00:04:56,547 -May I please have a cheesecake? -Sure. And thank you, Nola. 93 00:04:56,629 --> 00:04:58,132 I think it's important to listen to people. 94 00:04:58,215 --> 00:05:00,759 Coming right back with that cherry pie. 95 00:05:03,678 --> 00:05:05,723 I'll tell her if she ever stops listening. 96 00:05:07,223 --> 00:05:09,560 I think Nola knows I'm more than just a waitress. 97 00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:11,519 She can see right through this uniform. 98 00:05:11,603 --> 00:05:14,648 And so can I in just the right light. 99 00:05:16,315 --> 00:05:18,651 -Close the door. -Oh, my God. 100 00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:21,237 -Sophie, you scared me. -You're scared? 101 00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,656 I just saw the expiration date on this milk. 102 00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:26,326 And, Max, come on, close it, quick. 103 00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:28,579 I'm in here hiding from Oleg. 104 00:05:28,661 --> 00:05:31,956 If you wanna get away from Oleg, just go where they sell floss. 105 00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:36,920 I think that Oleg is cheating on me. Look. 106 00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:39,423 Oh, God. Now she's gonna start whipping it out? 107 00:05:39,505 --> 00:05:40,923 Look. 108 00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:45,803 He has a second secret phone. It's a boner phone. 109 00:05:45,887 --> 00:05:49,682 -You mean a burner phone. -Same thing. 110 00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:50,975 Sophie, how do you know 111 00:05:51,060 --> 00:05:52,560 he just doesn't use it for long distance or... 112 00:05:52,644 --> 00:05:55,271 Or for the woman that I'm calling right now? 113 00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:57,066 Oh, put her on speaker. 114 00:05:57,149 --> 00:05:59,358 I've nothing else to do. I'm at work. 115 00:06:00,526 --> 00:06:02,571 WOMAN: Da? Oleg? 116 00:06:02,653 --> 00:06:04,697 (GRUNTS) 117 00:06:10,286 --> 00:06:11,872 Oleg? 118 00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:16,084 (GRUNTS) 119 00:06:16,168 --> 00:06:19,629 That is a terrible Oleg. 120 00:06:20,755 --> 00:06:22,173 He is not that articulate. 121 00:06:23,591 --> 00:06:25,968 (WOMAN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN) 122 00:06:26,302 --> 00:06:29,389 (GASPS) That old whore. 123 00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:34,228 -What did she say? -I have no idea. 124 00:06:34,310 --> 00:06:39,399 I don't speak Russian but I do speak old whore. 125 00:06:40,442 --> 00:06:42,528 Tell me, what is his problem? 126 00:06:42,610 --> 00:06:46,615 He has a sweet, young filly like me at home 127 00:06:46,697 --> 00:06:53,204 and he needs to go out and plow some old Russian field? 128 00:06:54,622 --> 00:06:58,209 Well, I'd ask what you three are doing in here 129 00:06:58,293 --> 00:06:59,836 but it's never gonna top 130 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:02,213 what I'm imagining you're doing in here. 131 00:07:07,136 --> 00:07:09,053 I can't believe Nola didn't come in tonight. 132 00:07:09,137 --> 00:07:12,182 This is exactly what happened with my Starbucks barista guy. 133 00:07:12,266 --> 00:07:15,810 One minute, he's suggestively arranging the bananas at me, 134 00:07:15,894 --> 00:07:17,646 and then next minute, he's face-down, dead 135 00:07:17,728 --> 00:07:19,273 in a puddle of soy milk. 136 00:07:19,981 --> 00:07:21,899 Max, what if something happened to her? 137 00:07:21,983 --> 00:07:24,069 More croutons for us. 138 00:07:24,153 --> 00:07:26,279 She said, "I'll see you tomorrow." 139 00:07:26,362 --> 00:07:27,447 That doesn't mean anything. 140 00:07:27,531 --> 00:07:29,158 It's just an expression like, 141 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,076 "Employees must wash hands." 142 00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:35,122 Or, "The baby is yours." 143 00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:38,332 Hey, everybody. 144 00:07:40,918 --> 00:07:43,129 Oh, Sophie, it's just you. 145 00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:46,591 You're poor. And now we're even. 146 00:07:46,675 --> 00:07:48,968 Look, I stole it again. Where's Oleg? 147 00:07:49,052 --> 00:07:50,387 I'll tell you where he's not. 148 00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:51,889 Culinary school. 149 00:07:52,930 --> 00:07:53,932 He's on break. 150 00:07:54,016 --> 00:07:56,894 Oh, she's gonna be sorry. 151 00:07:56,976 --> 00:08:00,396 (GRUNTS) No one comes between Sophie and her man. 152 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:03,567 You know, unless we pay them to. 153 00:08:06,028 --> 00:08:10,281 Uh, couple things. A: Does anyone ever work here? 154 00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:14,494 Caroline, stop worrying. Extra Croutons is fine. 155 00:08:14,577 --> 00:08:17,497 She just called to order some diner food to be delivered. 156 00:08:17,581 --> 00:08:21,209 Oh... So she wants to die at home. 157 00:08:21,293 --> 00:08:24,295 I said we don't do deliveries. I told her 158 00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:27,089 you two can barely get the food from the window to the tables. 159 00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:35,097 Max, I had to stop by 160 00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:36,933 and bring Nola her salad and croutons. 161 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:39,436 I mean, she's kind of my biggest fan right now. 162 00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:41,812 True, because you just lost me. 163 00:08:43,148 --> 00:08:44,691 I know you think this is crazy 164 00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:47,068 but there's something about the way Nola looks at me. 165 00:08:47,152 --> 00:08:49,238 It's like she's seeing something in me. 166 00:08:49,321 --> 00:08:51,657 The woman wears two pairs of glasses. 167 00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:55,118 To her, you're just a chatty yellow and orange blur. 168 00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:58,538 I was told you didn't deliver. 169 00:08:58,621 --> 00:09:00,123 By who, her old boyfriends? 170 00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:04,503 Are you two gonna kill me or something? 171 00:09:04,586 --> 00:09:06,171 Because if you are, 172 00:09:06,254 --> 00:09:08,090 I would like to put on a different hat. 173 00:09:09,341 --> 00:09:13,177 No, no, no. She got worried. See, you're her first regular. 174 00:09:13,261 --> 00:09:14,679 I'm just here for the story. 175 00:09:14,763 --> 00:09:16,764 I figured there'd be something freaky behind this door 176 00:09:16,847 --> 00:09:20,059 like a 50-foot python and what's left of the UPS guy. 177 00:09:20,143 --> 00:09:22,604 And Earl guessed you were a man. 178 00:09:22,687 --> 00:09:25,106 No man. No, just me in here 179 00:09:25,190 --> 00:09:27,985 with my vagina and my photographs. 180 00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:31,279 You're a photographer? I love photography. 181 00:09:31,363 --> 00:09:33,115 And I love privacy. 182 00:09:33,197 --> 00:09:34,573 And I love pot. 183 00:09:34,658 --> 00:09:36,409 Oh, I thought we were going around. 184 00:09:37,201 --> 00:09:39,413 Come on. You better come in too. 185 00:09:39,495 --> 00:09:42,915 You're the Yin to her Yap. Hey, careful where you step. 186 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:46,086 I can't find my third pair of glasses. 187 00:09:46,168 --> 00:09:49,047 -It's on top of your hat. -No, no, that's my fourth pair. 188 00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:50,173 Hey. 189 00:09:51,008 --> 00:09:53,802 This is Billy the bum. He used to live in a box 190 00:09:53,884 --> 00:09:55,511 around the corner from my apartment. 191 00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:56,846 He even let me stay over once 192 00:09:56,929 --> 00:09:58,682 when I had to get away from this bad roommate. 193 00:09:58,764 --> 00:10:01,393 -Oh, the one before me? -No, it was you. 194 00:10:01,475 --> 00:10:04,312 You two are a riot together. 195 00:10:04,395 --> 00:10:06,188 You remind me of me 196 00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:09,775 and my old photographer friend, Annie Leibovitz. 197 00:10:09,860 --> 00:10:12,863 -Course, this was before-- -Before she got famous? 198 00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:14,239 No. Before she hit on me. 199 00:10:14,322 --> 00:10:17,408 I told her I wasn't into girls. 200 00:10:17,491 --> 00:10:21,413 But I think she was confused by the derby. 201 00:10:21,495 --> 00:10:23,623 Yeah. I think we're all a little confused by it. 202 00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:27,586 Nola, I wanna ask you if you've ever had any success, 203 00:10:27,668 --> 00:10:30,047 but I don't know how to do that without insulting you. 204 00:10:30,129 --> 00:10:32,591 That's correct. You don't. 205 00:10:35,134 --> 00:10:36,177 Oh! 206 00:10:36,260 --> 00:10:38,429 You're having a gallery show in SoHo? 207 00:10:38,513 --> 00:10:40,264 Good-bye. 208 00:10:40,349 --> 00:10:44,352 It was nice of you two to come over, check on me. 209 00:10:44,436 --> 00:10:46,730 I think weird but nice. 210 00:10:46,812 --> 00:10:49,316 Perhaps we could come to the opening. 211 00:10:49,399 --> 00:10:51,567 Oh, you don't need to do that. 212 00:10:51,650 --> 00:10:53,695 I know we don't need to but maybe I wanna support you 213 00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:54,904 and your amazing work. 214 00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:56,239 And Max would enjoy the free wine. 215 00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:58,325 -Yes, I would. -No. 216 00:10:58,408 --> 00:10:59,451 Oh, I would. 217 00:11:00,243 --> 00:11:03,330 No as in, "No, don't come." 218 00:11:03,413 --> 00:11:06,707 Now, if you'll excuse me, I wanna eat my croutons 219 00:11:06,792 --> 00:11:10,754 without the vaudeville stylings of "Shecky" and "Nosy." 220 00:11:15,466 --> 00:11:17,134 Here. 221 00:11:17,219 --> 00:11:19,638 Oh, yeah, good. I was looking for this. 222 00:11:26,727 --> 00:11:29,773 I can't believe you're doing all this for a diner regular. 223 00:11:29,855 --> 00:11:31,232 I haven't seen you this desperate 224 00:11:31,316 --> 00:11:35,028 since Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. 225 00:11:35,111 --> 00:11:37,739 I know. On the weekends, I just give up. 226 00:11:37,822 --> 00:11:41,701 Look that title. "The Great Unwashed." 227 00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:44,162 Are Oleg's balls here? 228 00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:49,625 Max, it's the "art scene." 229 00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:52,254 Class it up. At least say testicles. 230 00:11:52,336 --> 00:11:55,841 -Evening, ladies. -Earl, what are you doing here? 231 00:11:55,923 --> 00:11:59,135 And, Han, your sweater's eating your head. 232 00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:02,514 I'm here for the champagne 233 00:12:02,596 --> 00:12:05,142 and because I couldn't find my way out. 234 00:12:06,768 --> 00:12:10,062 I just walked into a picture of a door. 235 00:12:12,190 --> 00:12:14,942 Some of these are going for thousands of dollars. 236 00:12:15,025 --> 00:12:16,318 That Nola bitch is rich 237 00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:17,988 and I bet she has a frigging summer house 238 00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:19,697 made out of my free croutons. 239 00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:25,245 Han, it's the art scene. Class it up. 240 00:12:25,327 --> 00:12:28,748 At least say "freaking." Also, "testicles." 241 00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:32,668 Well, I'm not wasting this new turtleneck on you two. 242 00:12:32,751 --> 00:12:34,004 I'm going to go mingle. 243 00:12:34,086 --> 00:12:36,715 A high fashion model was giving me the eye. 244 00:12:36,798 --> 00:12:39,091 Then she'd have to be high. 245 00:12:39,176 --> 00:12:42,511 Uh, Han, I believe I'll stay here. 246 00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:45,514 Nobody wins with a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle 247 00:12:45,599 --> 00:12:47,225 as a wingman. 248 00:12:49,144 --> 00:12:52,062 -Oh, hey, everybody. -Hey, Sophie. Hey, Oleg. 249 00:12:52,147 --> 00:12:54,191 So can I class it back down now? 250 00:12:55,274 --> 00:12:56,942 Sorry we're late. 251 00:12:57,027 --> 00:12:58,445 I was just over there admiring the photo 252 00:12:58,528 --> 00:13:00,989 of the happy couple under the bridge. 253 00:13:01,072 --> 00:13:02,323 Happy couple? 254 00:13:02,407 --> 00:13:05,951 Sophie, they're two junkies sharing a needle. 255 00:13:06,035 --> 00:13:09,080 Yeah, well, at least the lady junkie knows 256 00:13:09,163 --> 00:13:11,416 where his needle's been. 257 00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:13,668 I don't even think she knows her name. 258 00:13:13,751 --> 00:13:15,921 She knows more than she's letting on. 259 00:13:16,004 --> 00:13:18,340 She knows everything. 260 00:13:19,341 --> 00:13:21,091 Yeah. You guys had been here a while. 261 00:13:21,176 --> 00:13:23,135 Where's the best place to steal some food? 262 00:13:23,220 --> 00:13:25,889 -Max. -Sorry, sorry. Classing it up. 263 00:13:25,971 --> 00:13:27,890 Testicles some food. 264 00:13:29,017 --> 00:13:32,562 Oh, Max, I can tell by your sassy demeanor 265 00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:34,563 you haven't seen your photo yet. 266 00:13:34,648 --> 00:13:36,106 What photo? 267 00:13:36,191 --> 00:13:37,525 I didn't bounce any checks here. 268 00:13:41,153 --> 00:13:43,740 Yep, that's me, all right. 269 00:13:43,822 --> 00:13:46,326 I recognize that "I don't care" pout 270 00:13:46,408 --> 00:13:49,703 and the Thousand Island dressing in my hair. 271 00:13:49,788 --> 00:13:52,915 Max, just because you're hanging on a wall among the poorest, 272 00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:57,379 most lost souls in our city doesn't mean your life is... 273 00:13:57,504 --> 00:14:00,090 I'm hanging right behind me, aren't I? 274 00:14:02,466 --> 00:14:04,719 Oh, my God. 275 00:14:04,802 --> 00:14:07,681 It could be worse. You could be naked. 276 00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:12,226 This is worse than being naked. I'm wearing polyester. 277 00:14:12,309 --> 00:14:14,312 It's bad enough I'm a waitress in Brooklyn. 278 00:14:14,395 --> 00:14:19,400 Now I'm a waitress in Manhattan and these guys didn't even tip. 279 00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:23,238 No, no, no, it's a photograph, so it's more symbolic. 280 00:14:23,321 --> 00:14:28,826 It's called "Waitress" and I'm holding a check pad. 281 00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:31,705 What do all these blue dots mean? 282 00:14:31,788 --> 00:14:33,539 Is my picture in trouble? 283 00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:37,626 That's how many times your print has been purchased. 284 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:44,634 Over here, Max, away from that pathetic blonde lady 285 00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:46,927 in the waitress uniform. 286 00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:49,806 Would you relax? No one even recognized you. 287 00:14:49,931 --> 00:14:51,224 No one? 288 00:14:51,307 --> 00:14:52,850 What about that art critic who said 289 00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:55,644 that my smile on the photo was a study of tragic, 290 00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:59,065 foolish optimism in a hopeless, dead-end life? 291 00:15:01,525 --> 00:15:02,818 Oh, him. 292 00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:07,740 Hopeless, dead-end life and then worse, no one buys me? 293 00:15:07,823 --> 00:15:10,118 I'm not even a success as a failure? 294 00:15:10,201 --> 00:15:13,538 You're totally a success as a failure. 295 00:15:13,621 --> 00:15:16,374 Then where are all the blue dots, Max? 296 00:15:16,457 --> 00:15:18,460 Fifteen people bought you. 297 00:15:18,543 --> 00:15:20,128 Whatever you do, don't turn around. 298 00:15:20,211 --> 00:15:23,130 Look at these dots. 299 00:15:26,176 --> 00:15:29,428 I am going home with all these people. 300 00:15:29,511 --> 00:15:32,222 Men, woman, black, white. 301 00:15:32,307 --> 00:15:33,682 It's like a key party 302 00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:36,061 at Joe Namath's house in the '70s. 303 00:15:41,857 --> 00:15:43,360 Hey, Shecky. 304 00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:46,446 Why are you putting the dots by your friend's photo? 305 00:15:46,528 --> 00:15:49,407 How many extra croutons can you buy 306 00:15:49,490 --> 00:15:51,951 with the buttload of money you're making from these photos? 307 00:15:52,034 --> 00:15:53,411 A buttload. 308 00:15:53,495 --> 00:15:56,789 Okay, okay, I get it, you're mad. I'll tell you what. 309 00:15:56,873 --> 00:16:00,085 I will give you a free print of your photo. 310 00:16:00,168 --> 00:16:01,669 Look, keep the photo. 311 00:16:01,753 --> 00:16:04,254 I don't wanna picture of me marrying ketchups. 312 00:16:04,339 --> 00:16:06,758 I don't wanna picture of me marrying anybody. 313 00:16:07,884 --> 00:16:09,885 But you can pay me back another way. 314 00:16:10,010 --> 00:16:13,139 I told you. I'm not a lesbian. I just wear hats. 315 00:16:16,518 --> 00:16:19,604 Your friend said you hate your photo. 316 00:16:19,687 --> 00:16:23,107 No. I enjoy being secretly photographed 317 00:16:23,191 --> 00:16:26,568 while I'm stealing someone extra, extra croutons. 318 00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:30,823 For the record, I never saw your smile as foolish. 319 00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:34,411 I saw it as-- Just a little big. 320 00:16:35,703 --> 00:16:37,455 I'm trying to pay you a compliment. 321 00:16:37,538 --> 00:16:38,873 Well, you failed. 322 00:16:40,582 --> 00:16:42,251 All this time, when you looked at me, 323 00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:43,794 I thought you saw something special, 324 00:16:43,878 --> 00:16:46,715 but all you really saw was someone reading the specials. 325 00:16:46,798 --> 00:16:48,716 I have a question for you. 326 00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:51,510 Okay, fine. I wear the derby 327 00:16:51,594 --> 00:16:53,888 because I have a little bit of a bald spot. 328 00:16:56,224 --> 00:16:58,058 Why didn't I sell? 329 00:16:58,183 --> 00:17:01,687 The picture sucks. It was one of my worst. 330 00:17:01,770 --> 00:17:03,815 If you're still trying to give me a compliment, 331 00:17:03,898 --> 00:17:04,857 you're still failing. 332 00:17:04,982 --> 00:17:09,153 Look, a good photograph captures the truth. 333 00:17:09,237 --> 00:17:14,032 And I guess no one really believes you as a waitress. 334 00:17:16,161 --> 00:17:19,663 That is the single nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. 335 00:17:19,748 --> 00:17:22,291 So it's not where you wanna be, I get it. 336 00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:25,920 Look, it's taken me 50 years to be where I am. 337 00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:29,798 And you are still so young. 338 00:17:29,883 --> 00:17:33,886 That is the second-nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. 339 00:17:34,011 --> 00:17:39,476 The road is long and trust me, it can be really hard. 340 00:17:40,559 --> 00:17:42,394 So whatever you do, 341 00:17:42,479 --> 00:17:45,731 you hold on to that foolishly hopeful smile. 342 00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:48,777 And your funny friend. 343 00:17:50,068 --> 00:17:52,070 -Yes? -Yes. 344 00:17:52,822 --> 00:17:55,866 Everyone, tonight we are witness 345 00:17:55,991 --> 00:18:00,288 to the amazing work of Nola Anderz. 346 00:18:02,289 --> 00:18:05,542 Why don't we all just stand here quietly for a moment 347 00:18:05,626 --> 00:18:09,380 and let Nola's pictures speak. 348 00:18:11,089 --> 00:18:13,009 (CELLPHONE RINGS) 349 00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:14,760 That's my phone. Where is it? 350 00:18:17,888 --> 00:18:21,433 Baby, why is my phone in your bra? 351 00:18:21,518 --> 00:18:23,102 Shh, please. 352 00:18:23,228 --> 00:18:26,396 It's your secret phone. I know all about it. 353 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,732 You took it? Give it to me. 354 00:18:28,817 --> 00:18:31,861 Who is she, Oleg? Who is this skanky old whore? 355 00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:33,822 Security! Security! 356 00:18:34,823 --> 00:18:37,157 What? No, no, no! Stop, stop! She has my phone! 357 00:18:37,241 --> 00:18:39,160 No, it's his boner phone, everybody. 358 00:18:39,243 --> 00:18:40,869 It's his boner phone. 359 00:18:43,539 --> 00:18:46,209 And you had the testicles to think 360 00:18:46,291 --> 00:18:48,586 I was gonna embarrass you. 361 00:18:53,007 --> 00:18:54,299 Hey, Sophie. 362 00:18:54,384 --> 00:18:57,345 Hey, girls. Did you hear that? 363 00:18:57,427 --> 00:18:59,972 It sounds a little bit like-- I don't know. 364 00:19:00,056 --> 00:19:01,766 The sound of cheating. 365 00:19:03,351 --> 00:19:06,270 -You guys haven't made up yet? -Don't make up here. 366 00:19:06,354 --> 00:19:08,480 No. I slept on the couch. 367 00:19:08,565 --> 00:19:10,732 I missed her so much, I watched a rom-com 368 00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:14,069 while eating a whole box of her edible underwear. 369 00:19:15,113 --> 00:19:16,655 Still not talking to me, Sophie? 370 00:19:16,780 --> 00:19:19,909 For the last time, there's nobody else but you. 371 00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:22,202 -I use that phone... -Yes? 372 00:19:22,327 --> 00:19:23,954 -...to... -Go on. 373 00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:26,540 -I use it to call... -Cut to the chase! 374 00:19:26,624 --> 00:19:28,041 ...my mother. 375 00:19:28,125 --> 00:19:30,711 Is there no one he won't sleep with? 376 00:19:32,087 --> 00:19:33,756 I didn't tell you because I didn't want you 377 00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:35,299 to think I was a mama's boy. 378 00:19:35,383 --> 00:19:37,134 Except when we play "Mama and Boy." 379 00:19:39,386 --> 00:19:42,472 Well, I'll tell you what I told that girl 380 00:19:42,557 --> 00:19:45,643 at the Yankee Candle store. I'm not buying it! 381 00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:48,855 It's true, Sophie. 382 00:19:48,938 --> 00:19:51,481 I'm afraid I'm losing my hair. 383 00:19:53,776 --> 00:19:56,112 Oh, Oleg. 384 00:19:56,194 --> 00:19:58,197 But don't you know-- 385 00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:01,075 I mean, you could be balder 386 00:20:01,159 --> 00:20:04,662 than Jeremy Piven was 15 years ago 387 00:20:04,746 --> 00:20:06,330 and I'd still love you. 388 00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:11,085 (CELLPHONE RINGS) 389 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,962 Where's my... 390 00:20:14,963 --> 00:20:16,214 Busted. 391 00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:20,553 Caroline, I have something for you. 392 00:20:20,678 --> 00:20:22,221 I'm not signing another one 393 00:20:22,305 --> 00:20:25,391 of those giant birthday cards again. 394 00:20:30,270 --> 00:20:32,147 It's my picture. 395 00:20:32,230 --> 00:20:34,651 Great. Now I have two of you that don't wait on tables. 396 00:20:35,652 --> 00:20:37,945 "Thanks for the croutons. Nola." 397 00:20:38,028 --> 00:20:39,780 Max, where are we gonna hang me? 398 00:20:39,864 --> 00:20:41,531 Maybe you should hang yourself in the bathroom 399 00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:43,076 like I thought you would three years ago. 400 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:46,621 Yep. I lost 20 dollars on that bet. 401 00:20:47,913 --> 00:20:49,958 You know, Max, maybe I have to stop running away 402 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,125 from this part of my life and embrace it, 403 00:20:52,210 --> 00:20:56,422 see it as part of my journey, my beautiful, exciting journey. 404 00:20:56,506 --> 00:20:58,674 If you don't shut up, I'm gonna hang you right here. 405 00:21:03,054 --> 00:21:05,013 (CASH REGISTER RINGS) 406 00:21:06,723 --> 00:21:09,268 (THEME MUSIC PLAYS) 407 00:21:27,912 --> 00:21:30,330 (English US - SDH)