1
00:00:03,713 --> 00:00:06,048
Max, guess what Han's doing
at the counter?

2
00:00:06,131 --> 00:00:08,300
Well, I know
it's not towering over it.

3
00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:12,512
He's creating signature drinks
for the diner.

4
00:00:12,596 --> 00:00:15,599
I suggested any household poison
over shaved ice.

5
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:19,269
Han, this is a stupid idea.

6
00:00:19,603 --> 00:00:21,856
-It was Earl's.
-Then it's genius.

7
00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:26,443
Yep, I've been drinking
all afternoon for free.

8
00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:30,780
Now, I've used
only top shelf liquor.

9
00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:33,033
Question: Who got it
down for you?

10
00:00:34,534 --> 00:00:36,494
First up: "The Max".

11
00:00:36,579 --> 00:00:39,999
It's just whiskey.
On the rocks, like Max's job.

12
00:00:42,292 --> 00:00:45,045
Whatever mine is,
I want my rim salted.

13
00:00:48,506 --> 00:00:49,549
Of course, you do.

14
00:00:51,509 --> 00:00:54,512
Earl's is an Old Fashioned
with everything.

15
00:00:54,597 --> 00:00:56,182
Uh, pour me another me.

16
00:00:56,265 --> 00:00:59,143
I hate to say it,
but I go down easy.

17
00:01:00,435 --> 00:01:04,272
"The Caroline" is Lemon Schnapps
in a slightly frosty glass.

18
00:01:04,355 --> 00:01:06,900
Because of my cool,
Grace Kelly kind of demeanor?

19
00:01:06,983 --> 00:01:08,359
No, because they had a sale

20
00:01:08,444 --> 00:01:10,111
on Lemon Schnapps
at Beverage Barn.

21
00:01:11,237 --> 00:01:12,864
Oh, they don't card there?

22
00:01:14,617 --> 00:01:18,954
Okay. So what's "The Han"?
A No Sex on the Beach?

23
00:01:19,537 --> 00:01:22,165
Mine is a classic martini,
shaken.

24
00:01:22,248 --> 00:01:24,668
Oh. Like the first woman
who saw you naked.

25
00:01:28,923 --> 00:01:31,341
Correction.
Will see you naked.

26
00:01:33,843 --> 00:01:35,554
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

27
00:01:35,638 --> 00:01:36,972
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

28
00:01:45,688 --> 00:01:47,441
Max, guess what happened
when you were running

29
00:01:47,525 --> 00:01:49,527
to the bathroom
real quick for two hours?

30
00:01:49,609 --> 00:01:51,277
You worked the cupcake window

31
00:01:51,361 --> 00:01:53,322
while I went to see
the Statue of Liberty.

32
00:01:54,823 --> 00:01:56,533
Her head was being renovated.

33
00:01:56,616 --> 00:01:58,911
(SCOFFS) Everyone in this town
is getting work done.

34
00:01:59,995 --> 00:02:01,956
I sold our last cupcake tee!

35
00:02:02,039 --> 00:02:03,581
We've sold more than
Robert De Niro

36
00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:05,459
in the last 20 years
of his career.

37
00:02:06,793 --> 00:02:09,587
Well, analyze this, Focker.

38
00:02:11,298 --> 00:02:13,592
I noticed
we were running low last week,

39
00:02:13,675 --> 00:02:15,051
so I ordered more.

40
00:02:15,885 --> 00:02:18,180
How did I not notice
those sooner?

41
00:02:18,264 --> 00:02:20,056
Oh, probably because
the last time I looked in there,

42
00:02:20,139 --> 00:02:22,268
there was a rat having sex
with a cockroach.

43
00:02:24,395 --> 00:02:25,646
You know, they're still dating.

44
00:02:27,355 --> 00:02:29,650
Really? I thought it was
a one-time thing.

45
00:02:29,733 --> 00:02:32,402
Well, I guess once you go rat,
you never go back.

46
00:02:34,405 --> 00:02:35,823
Thanks for ordering these.

47
00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:38,324
I've just been so busy
with Sophie's wedding shower.

48
00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:39,659
Yeah, why are you
working so hard?

49
00:02:39,742 --> 00:02:40,911
It's not a big deal.

50
00:02:41,078 --> 00:02:43,204
I threw my mother a shower once.

51
00:02:43,288 --> 00:02:45,415
No wait.
I threw her in a shower once.

52
00:02:45,915 --> 00:02:48,418
Max, you really need to start
making more of a fuss.

53
00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:50,295
It's for Sophie.
It means a lot to her.

54
00:02:50,378 --> 00:02:51,588
And she has a gun.

55
00:02:52,548 --> 00:02:55,300
Well, showers are stupid
girl things

56
00:02:55,384 --> 00:02:57,594
that this guy wants no part of.

57
00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:00,347
Hey, girls!

58
00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:05,477
Look, I'm advertising
your cupcake business.

59
00:03:06,562 --> 00:03:09,522
You're advertising something,
but it's not our cupcakes.

60
00:03:10,274 --> 00:03:12,401
I gave out free t-shirts
to our building.

61
00:03:12,735 --> 00:03:14,652
I left one by everyone's door.

62
00:03:14,736 --> 00:03:16,989
Two at Sophie's,
16 at the Sanchez's.

63
00:03:17,072 --> 00:03:19,158
So about six of the kids
will have to share.

64
00:03:20,408 --> 00:03:21,451
Interesting.

65
00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:22,786
Now our shirts are available

66
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:25,622
at both Rodney,
the high-end Manhattan boutique,

67
00:03:25,705 --> 00:03:26,915
and an apartment building

68
00:03:26,998 --> 00:03:29,501
that always smells
a little like gasoline.

69
00:03:30,419 --> 00:03:33,338
Well, please stop talking
about things that aren't me.

70
00:03:34,465 --> 00:03:36,884
Now, girls,

71
00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:40,512
did you get the cake
for my wedding shower tomorrow?

72
00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:42,764
Oh, was I supposed
to make a cake?

73
00:03:42,848 --> 00:03:45,266
I've literally done nothing
for the shower.

74
00:03:45,350 --> 00:03:46,936
I haven't even taken a bath.

75
00:03:48,853 --> 00:03:50,980
No, I'm not getting my cake
from here.

76
00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:53,859
No, this is my bridal shower.

77
00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:56,861
Yeah, I wanna get something
classic from Baskin Robbins

78
00:03:56,945 --> 00:03:58,697
that's also a Dunkin' Donuts.

79
00:04:00,491 --> 00:04:02,116
They mix those two now?

80
00:04:02,700 --> 00:04:04,828
It's a stoner's dream come true.

81
00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:08,331
I tried to make our apartment
look nice.

82
00:04:08,414 --> 00:04:10,584
I even moved a chair
to cover a stain,

83
00:04:10,668 --> 00:04:13,002
but what was under the chair
was so much worse.

84
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:15,421
I guess what I'm saying is,
please don't shoot us.

85
00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:19,384
Well, I don't expect it
to look that good.

86
00:04:19,802 --> 00:04:22,762
I mean, you can't put
a silk hat on a pig.

87
00:04:23,389 --> 00:04:25,975
And I know, because
I tried once.

88
00:04:34,983 --> 00:04:36,110
(GAGS)

89
00:04:42,281 --> 00:04:43,449
(GAGS)

90
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,831
Max! My God!
What have you done?

91
00:04:50,206 --> 00:04:52,418
I realized I don't like
a strawberry center.

92
00:04:53,836 --> 00:04:56,254
And I am not gonna
beat myself up about it.

93
00:04:57,338 --> 00:04:59,550
When I told you to get
crepe paper streamers

94
00:04:59,632 --> 00:05:02,886
and decorate for the shower,
I meant with pink, not black.

95
00:05:03,387 --> 00:05:05,305
It's a wedding shower
for Sophie,

96
00:05:05,389 --> 00:05:08,225
not a baby shower
for Rosemary's Baby.

97
00:05:09,435 --> 00:05:12,228
What? I told you, I don't
do girl things.

98
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:14,939
Like hang pink or
sit when I pee.

99
00:05:17,067 --> 00:05:19,903
Which, coincidentally,
I refer to as "hanging pink."

100
00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:24,783
My God! What is that smell?

101
00:05:24,867 --> 00:05:26,660
Something's really
gone bad here.

102
00:05:26,744 --> 00:05:28,579
Besides our lives.

103
00:05:29,495 --> 00:05:31,165
It's the Polish food.

104
00:05:31,247 --> 00:05:33,667
I think one of those sausages
is made of old flip-flops.

105
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:35,961
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

106
00:05:36,045 --> 00:05:37,670
Someone's here already?

107
00:05:37,963 --> 00:05:39,255
Are Polish people always early?

108
00:05:39,548 --> 00:05:41,466
Is that a stereotype
I don't know about?

109
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:48,514
(EXAGGERATED) Oh, my God!

110
00:05:49,557 --> 00:05:51,769
A wedding shower for me?

111
00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:54,730
(EXAGGERATED LAUGH)
I mean, if I had known,

112
00:05:54,812 --> 00:05:56,648
I would have dressed!

113
00:05:58,108 --> 00:06:00,235
-Sophie, you did know.
-I know.

114
00:06:00,319 --> 00:06:02,779
I came down early
to practice some entrances.

115
00:06:03,613 --> 00:06:06,283
Now, get ready
for Entrance Number Two!

116
00:06:08,535 --> 00:06:10,495
Are you ever ready
for Entrance Number Two?

117
00:06:12,956 --> 00:06:14,625
(KNOCKING)

118
00:06:15,291 --> 00:06:16,793
Who is it?

119
00:06:19,088 --> 00:06:21,632
(GASPS, THEN LAUGHS)

120
00:06:22,925 --> 00:06:26,386
My God!
I can't believe it.

121
00:06:26,470 --> 00:06:29,723
Oh, it's the day
of my wedding shower.

122
00:06:30,014 --> 00:06:34,228
(STAMMERS)
Could anything be more wonderful?

123
00:06:36,105 --> 00:06:38,899
I was moved, I was surprised.
I liked it better than the book.

124
00:06:38,981 --> 00:06:42,319
Now, come on in here and identify
some of this Polish food

125
00:06:42,401 --> 00:06:44,403
so I can know
what I'm not eating tonight.

126
00:06:44,487 --> 00:06:47,365
Oh. No,
I'm not eating at my shower.

127
00:06:47,449 --> 00:06:49,576
I'm pretending
I have an eating disorder

128
00:06:49,659 --> 00:06:51,995
so everyone will think
that I have it all.

129
00:06:55,206 --> 00:06:56,542
I think you're going to be happy.

130
00:06:56,625 --> 00:06:58,502
I have lots of fun shower games,

131
00:06:58,584 --> 00:07:01,254
starting with
"Who Knows The Most About Sophie?"

132
00:07:01,338 --> 00:07:04,173
Oh! I'll win that one. Yeah.

133
00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:06,677
And Sophie's got to tinkle.

134
00:07:07,343 --> 00:07:11,055
See? I'm a shoo-in. Yeah.
All right.

135
00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:13,559
Oh! Oh, my gosh.

136
00:07:13,641 --> 00:07:15,935
Black toilet paper!

137
00:07:16,019 --> 00:07:18,521
Oh, nice touch, girls.

138
00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:22,608
Yeah, I love the mystery
of not knowing when you're done.

139
00:07:27,656 --> 00:07:29,908
-(URGENT KNOCK)
-MAN: FBI! Open up!

140
00:07:29,992 --> 00:07:32,827
The FBI? I don't think
they RSVP'd.

141
00:07:33,452 --> 00:07:35,329
Oh, that's got to be for me.

142
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:38,917
I didn't do it.

143
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:40,418
And just so you know,

144
00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:42,963
the statute of limitations
is up on that Newark thing.

145
00:07:43,963 --> 00:07:45,923
I'm not here to arrest
you, miss.

146
00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:47,593
(SCOFFS) Great, it's me.

147
00:07:47,675 --> 00:07:50,512
Max, I told you pirating movies
was a real crime.

148
00:07:50,596 --> 00:07:53,264
Now, I'm going to jail
for Fifty Shades Of Grey.

149
00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:56,810
Someone should.

150
00:07:58,060 --> 00:08:00,855
I hear you.
Not the Christian Grey I'd pictured.

151
00:08:04,610 --> 00:08:06,319
I'm Agent Drake with the FBI.

152
00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:08,529
Nothing to get upset about,
but there's a man in your building

153
00:08:08,613 --> 00:08:10,115
who has been holding
three women hostage

154
00:08:10,199 --> 00:08:11,742
in his apartment for months.

155
00:08:11,824 --> 00:08:13,660
Yeah, that sounds about right.

156
00:08:14,702 --> 00:08:17,456
Now one of the captives escaped today
and alerted authorities.

157
00:08:17,538 --> 00:08:21,209
Oh! Must have been the lady
I passed screaming in the hall.

158
00:08:22,461 --> 00:08:24,754
What? There's a fine line
between "hostage"

159
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,798
and "off your meds"
in this building.

160
00:08:28,050 --> 00:08:30,343
So, a SWAT team is going in
for the other two still upstairs,

161
00:08:30,427 --> 00:08:32,346
but we need to evacuate
the building first. So let's go.

162
00:08:32,428 --> 00:08:35,849
All right,
can I put a few things away first?

163
00:08:36,225 --> 00:08:38,309
You know, because
I want the place to look nice

164
00:08:38,393 --> 00:08:40,604
if there's gonna be police in here.

165
00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:42,813
Look, miss,
whatever drugs you're hiding here,

166
00:08:42,898 --> 00:08:45,650
I couldn't care less.
We need to get out now.

167
00:08:46,235 --> 00:08:48,070
You know,
you're just my type of guy.

168
00:08:49,028 --> 00:08:52,282
You don't mind my drug use
and you're already here.

169
00:08:56,912 --> 00:08:59,748
Oh, yeah!

170
00:09:00,999 --> 00:09:05,254
You girls ordered a cop stripper
for my bridal shower?

171
00:09:05,336 --> 00:09:07,422
Oh... Oh, yeah!

172
00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:09,633
Here comes the bride all right!

173
00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:12,970
Yeah, come on. Yeah.

174
00:09:13,052 --> 00:09:16,974
Oh, yeah. See?
Look, he likes me.

175
00:09:19,768 --> 00:09:21,519
I cannot believe
I live in this building

176
00:09:21,602 --> 00:09:24,063
with a man who would do
something so awful.

177
00:09:24,147 --> 00:09:26,107
Also, cannot believe
I live in this building.

178
00:09:27,024 --> 00:09:28,735
You know who I think it is?

179
00:09:29,193 --> 00:09:31,028
Smells Like Cats
But Has No Cats.

180
00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:34,365
Really?
He doesn't seem like a go-getter.

181
00:09:35,616 --> 00:09:37,576
I think it's Three Nipples No Nose.

182
00:09:39,578 --> 00:09:41,914
Three Nipples No Nose?
He's a delight.

183
00:09:43,667 --> 00:09:47,086
-Sophie, isn't this upsetting?
-It sure is.

184
00:09:47,169 --> 00:09:50,381
I couldn't get that stripper cop
to take his pants off.

185
00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:53,509
Hey, look!

186
00:09:53,592 --> 00:09:55,095
There's some of my
shower guests.

187
00:09:55,177 --> 00:09:56,763
-Sophie. Hi.
-Look.

188
00:09:57,139 --> 00:10:00,057
And that one's my friend Natalya.
The one I told you about.

189
00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:02,977
Yeah, there's all that extra skin.

190
00:10:03,061 --> 00:10:05,230
(GROANS)
You were not exaggerating.

191
00:10:05,313 --> 00:10:07,732
She was born with all that skin.

192
00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:11,028
She had a chip clip on her back
all through high school.

193
00:10:14,197 --> 00:10:16,991
Yeah, I know that guy upstairs
is a real bummer,

194
00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:19,036
but you know what would help?

195
00:10:19,745 --> 00:10:22,913
If I could open my
presents! Yeah.

196
00:10:23,956 --> 00:10:26,083
-No!
-Sorry, you can't go through, ma'am.

197
00:10:26,168 --> 00:10:29,171
The fuzz isn't letting them through!
Come on.

198
00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:32,631
No fair. They just let a guy in here
a few minutes ago.

199
00:10:32,716 --> 00:10:34,967
Just because your friends
aren't bomb-sniffing dogs,

200
00:10:35,052 --> 00:10:37,636
they can't get in? Boo!

201
00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:42,392
Hey, look, ladies.
Pass your presents up to the cops.

202
00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:45,394
Cops, pass my presents to me.

203
00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:47,980
Wait, Sophie,
before you open them,

204
00:10:48,065 --> 00:10:49,857
I really wanna write down
who got you what.

205
00:10:49,941 --> 00:10:52,943
And save that pretty ribbon.
I'm gonna make you a bow hat!

206
00:10:53,861 --> 00:10:54,946
Look at you.

207
00:10:55,029 --> 00:10:57,448
Making lemonade out of a maniac

208
00:10:57,532 --> 00:10:58,908
holding three innocent
women hostage.

209
00:11:00,534 --> 00:11:01,660
A gift card.

210
00:11:01,745 --> 00:11:04,206
(GROANS) Send it back.

211
00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:06,792
Sophie, we would've taken that.

212
00:11:06,875 --> 00:11:09,418
I don't know what it was for.
I just know we would've taken it.

213
00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:13,798
No, I'm sending it back.
I want a gift, not another errand.

214
00:11:14,508 --> 00:11:18,552
Oh, yeah, not in love
with the paper, but...

215
00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:20,596
Well, I'll wait
till I open it to judge.

216
00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:24,518
Hi. Excuse me? Excuse me?

217
00:11:25,101 --> 00:11:27,019
I'm Maria Alonso Gonzalez.

218
00:11:27,979 --> 00:11:29,438
Could you ladies talk to Channel 2

219
00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:31,107
about tonight's
disturbing discovery?

220
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:32,692
-No.
-Yes.

221
00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:34,653
Just go with me
and my business savvy.

222
00:11:34,735 --> 00:11:38,115
Yes, Maria Alonso Gonzalez,
we can answer a few questions.

223
00:11:38,197 --> 00:11:39,865
Were there any signs at all

224
00:11:39,950 --> 00:11:42,619
that something of this nature
was going on in your building?

225
00:11:42,701 --> 00:11:45,956
We just hope they bring this
sick freak in our building to justice

226
00:11:46,038 --> 00:11:49,668
so that we can return to work
at Max's Homemade Cupcakes.

227
00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:52,086
Get on the door. Here he comes.

228
00:11:52,169 --> 00:11:54,172
Who is it? Who is this sick freak?

229
00:11:54,255 --> 00:11:55,841
(SIREN CHIRPS)

230
00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:00,678
It's not me...

231
00:12:01,346 --> 00:12:02,389
is it?

232
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,892
I'm not sure.
What are the charges?

233
00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:10,147
Different sick freak.

234
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:14,067
Hey, Rula, Uma, Greta, look!

235
00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:16,945
This is him.
This is the groom-to-be.

236
00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:21,032
Forget about the guy upstairs,

237
00:12:21,115 --> 00:12:23,618
this is the real maniac
in the bedroom!

238
00:12:27,581 --> 00:12:30,750
That's him? Beer Belly Gym Shorts?

239
00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:33,961
-Never would've guessed.
-Oh, no.

240
00:12:34,044 --> 00:12:36,005
He's wearing one of our shirts.

241
00:12:36,088 --> 00:12:37,966
Why? Why?

242
00:12:38,048 --> 00:12:40,051
Why is he wearing a medium?

243
00:12:47,558 --> 00:12:49,059
I mean, nobody's gonna see that.

244
00:12:55,859 --> 00:12:58,110
Police have just apprehended
the suspect

245
00:12:58,195 --> 00:13:00,822
and the question
on everyone's mind is,

246
00:13:00,905 --> 00:13:04,451
"What does Max's Homemade
Cupcakes have to do with this?"

247
00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:09,080
-(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)
-We have no comment.

248
00:13:09,163 --> 00:13:11,291
Or future, or deodorant.

249
00:13:12,583 --> 00:13:14,168
So leave us alone!

250
00:13:14,836 --> 00:13:18,088
How did they know about this dump,
next door to the other dump?

251
00:13:18,173 --> 00:13:21,217
As I'm saying it, I realize
our career is made up of two dumps.

252
00:13:22,052 --> 00:13:24,553
Sounds like our career
has been drinking too much coffee.

253
00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:28,057
The story is all over the paper.

254
00:13:28,140 --> 00:13:31,101
They're calling those ladies
"The Cupcake Captives,"

255
00:13:31,186 --> 00:13:33,145
calling that guy
"The Cupcake Captor,"

256
00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:36,106
and calling the whole thing
"The Cupcake Catastrophe."

257
00:13:36,942 --> 00:13:38,527
But you need not worry about it

258
00:13:38,610 --> 00:13:40,903
reflecting badly
on your cupcake business.

259
00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:44,615
Oh, no!
It's even in the fashion section.

260
00:13:45,241 --> 00:13:47,661
There's a picture of our shirts
and it says,

261
00:13:47,744 --> 00:13:50,621
"What not to wear, ever."

262
00:13:52,206 --> 00:13:54,334
Okay, everybody calm down.

263
00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:56,336
I'm mostly talking to myself.

264
00:13:56,711 --> 00:13:58,879
The media is gonna do its thing.

265
00:13:58,963 --> 00:14:01,173
I've been slandered
in the headlines before.

266
00:14:01,258 --> 00:14:04,260
I was called "Ponzi Princess,"
"Bankrupt Barbie."

267
00:14:04,885 --> 00:14:06,888
Looking back,
those were the best of times.

268
00:14:08,056 --> 00:14:09,432
Oh, hello.

269
00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:11,934
I was just about to take a tray
of Max and Caroline's

270
00:14:12,018 --> 00:14:13,519
out to my reporter friends.

271
00:14:13,602 --> 00:14:14,729
MAX: Sorry.

272
00:14:14,812 --> 00:14:16,523
You can give those
Max and Caroline's

273
00:14:16,605 --> 00:14:18,274
to this Max and Caroline.

274
00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:21,820
Hi, everybody.

275
00:14:22,361 --> 00:14:23,863
I'm depressed.

276
00:14:24,239 --> 00:14:26,991
See, you can tell because
I'm only wearing half my hair.

277
00:14:28,784 --> 00:14:31,580
Girls, I found this box outside your door.

278
00:14:31,663 --> 00:14:34,374
And I was hoping
it was a shower present.

279
00:14:34,915 --> 00:14:38,669
Since those selfish hostage girls
ruined my special day.

280
00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:42,841
Man, I didn't even get
a freaking ribbon hat.

281
00:14:44,091 --> 00:14:46,302
Do you want the tube top
I made out of the police tape?

282
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:48,721
I'm calling it a tape top.

283
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:51,182
Patent pending.

284
00:14:51,932 --> 00:14:54,394
Come on, you guys.
This isn't about us.

285
00:14:54,476 --> 00:14:56,104
We need to put this all in perspective.

286
00:14:56,187 --> 00:14:59,316
We're all safe, and healthy, and...
Oh, my God!

287
00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:02,360
Just when I can't take anymore,
here comes anymore.

288
00:15:03,193 --> 00:15:05,822
"We are returning
the remainder of your t-shirt stock.

289
00:15:05,904 --> 00:15:08,616
Our Rodney brand
cannot be associated with a product

290
00:15:08,700 --> 00:15:11,620
at the center of an ongoing
criminal investigation.

291
00:15:11,702 --> 00:15:14,331
Consider our contract
null and void."

292
00:15:14,788 --> 00:15:16,832
This is so shocking.

293
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:18,835
Max, you can read?

294
00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:23,590
So you just didn't want
to tell people the specials.

295
00:15:25,966 --> 00:15:27,259
I can't believe this.

296
00:15:27,344 --> 00:15:29,346
We waited so long
for something to happen

297
00:15:29,428 --> 00:15:30,596
to our cupcake t-shirts.

298
00:15:30,679 --> 00:15:31,681
Why that guy?

299
00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:33,015
And on the one day he chooses

300
00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:35,018
to not wear his
"Pull my finger" shirt.

301
00:15:36,019 --> 00:15:38,145
This is Maria Alonso Gonzalez,
reporting to you live...

302
00:15:38,229 --> 00:15:40,190
Max, what are you doing?
They'll see us.

303
00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:41,566
No they won't.

304
00:15:41,649 --> 00:15:44,027
Because all the cameras
are on Han right now.

305
00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:46,946
Can you talk a little bit
about the women

306
00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:49,407
behind Max's Homemade Cupcakes?

307
00:15:50,115 --> 00:15:53,745
Let's just say Max and Caroline
are allergic to work,

308
00:15:53,827 --> 00:15:56,873
much in the same way
Dilbert is allergic to Mondays.

309
00:15:59,167 --> 00:16:01,836
(CLEARS THROAT) Moving on,
Maria Alonso Gonzalez,

310
00:16:01,919 --> 00:16:04,422
would you care to come
into The Williamsburg Diner,

311
00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:08,176
6355 Bedford Avenue,
open 8 a.m. till 2 a.m.

312
00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:11,388
for our signature drink:
The Cupcake Captive Cosmo?

313
00:16:11,888 --> 00:16:14,974
And for you gents,
The Captive Cape Cod?

314
00:16:18,687 --> 00:16:19,979
Hey, get these cupcakes
out of the garbage.

315
00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:22,023
I need to make room
for Han's body.

316
00:16:22,731 --> 00:16:26,360
I'm keeping the head as
a warning to others who cross us.

317
00:16:26,985 --> 00:16:28,947
We need to take back our
t-shirts' image by setting up

318
00:16:29,029 --> 00:16:31,950
an interview with the news.
And by "we," I mean you.

319
00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:36,328
Look, if I learned one thing
from my time on Cops,

320
00:16:36,413 --> 00:16:38,456
it's that I can hop a fence
in three seconds flat.

321
00:16:39,624 --> 00:16:41,250
If I learned two things,

322
00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:43,753
it's that the camera
makes me look guilty.

323
00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:46,548
Especially when it's a security
camera at Banana Republic.

324
00:16:47,423 --> 00:16:48,633
I can't do it.

325
00:16:48,716 --> 00:16:50,509
The world can't know that
Caroline Channing

326
00:16:50,592 --> 00:16:52,886
is involved
in another high-profile crime.

327
00:16:52,971 --> 00:16:55,014
And hasn't kept up
her nail maintenance, like, at all.

328
00:16:55,597 --> 00:16:56,975
Fine.

329
00:16:57,057 --> 00:16:59,309
Because if I learned
three things from Cops,

330
00:17:00,227 --> 00:17:03,148
that it's best to surrender early
and not naked.

331
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:09,194
We really appreciate you
taking the time to talk to us.

332
00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:10,696
If you really want to thank me,

333
00:17:10,779 --> 00:17:13,157
how about I get some pixels
up over my grill?

334
00:17:13,782 --> 00:17:16,493
I got some kids looking for me
and they don't need the help.

335
00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:19,830
We don't have the capability
to do that.

336
00:17:19,913 --> 00:17:21,332
This is live TV.

337
00:17:21,415 --> 00:17:23,917
How about one of those
voice-distorting machines?

338
00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,755
You know, make my voice
sound like a fat Transformer.

339
00:17:27,963 --> 00:17:30,048
Um... no.

340
00:17:30,842 --> 00:17:33,970
No problem.
I'll take care of that myself.

341
00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:36,221
Been in this sitch before.

342
00:17:37,598 --> 00:17:39,601
All right, in three, two...

343
00:17:39,683 --> 00:17:40,769
Good evening.

344
00:17:41,310 --> 00:17:43,229
-In Williamsburg...
-Max, I'm right here if you need me.

345
00:17:43,313 --> 00:17:44,814
-I got this.
-...shocking "Cupcake Captives"

346
00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:48,442
story, I'm here with
the owner, Max Black.

347
00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:52,029
Hi, Maria.

348
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:57,993
Max, how upset were you
to see that Richard Griffin

349
00:17:58,076 --> 00:18:00,579
was Max's Homemade Cupcakes'
biggest fan?

350
00:18:00,663 --> 00:18:03,583
-I was really upset.
-Okay. Hi.

351
00:18:03,665 --> 00:18:04,959
Stepping in.

352
00:18:05,042 --> 00:18:06,711
Max is clearly so upset by all
this,

353
00:18:06,795 --> 00:18:08,922
that she's lost her mind.

354
00:18:09,005 --> 00:18:11,007
The one time I really
needed her, anyway.

355
00:18:11,089 --> 00:18:12,299
Hi, Maria.

356
00:18:12,383 --> 00:18:15,135
How will your company's
reputation recover

357
00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:18,222
from doing business
with a man who held three women

358
00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:20,016
in his apartment against
their will?

359
00:18:20,098 --> 00:18:22,477
Look, people do terrible things.

360
00:18:22,559 --> 00:18:24,813
And they do them wearing shirts.

361
00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:27,315
That doesn't make
the shirt evil.

362
00:18:27,397 --> 00:18:29,983
Now, if a shirt commits a crime,
lock it up.

363
00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:31,986
You'll get no argument from me.

364
00:18:32,069 --> 00:18:34,197
-Should I jump back in?
-I got this.

365
00:18:36,740 --> 00:18:38,826
Okay, yeah.
That's all the time we have.

366
00:18:38,910 --> 00:18:41,246
-Thank you.
-Thank you.

367
00:18:46,709 --> 00:18:50,171
Caroline, thank you for trying
to throw me a shower.

368
00:18:50,255 --> 00:18:53,090
I mean, we were never
really friends or close.

369
00:18:53,758 --> 00:18:54,759
And, yeah.

370
00:18:54,843 --> 00:18:56,009
I run away when I see you heading

371
00:18:56,094 --> 00:18:57,929
toward the mailboxes
the same time as me--

372
00:18:58,011 --> 00:18:59,931
Please stop thanking me.

373
00:19:01,057 --> 00:19:03,017
Hey. Want to come to our place?

374
00:19:03,101 --> 00:19:05,269
Those pig's feet haven't
gone bad.

375
00:19:05,353 --> 00:19:07,145
I guess. It's hard to tell.

376
00:19:07,689 --> 00:19:08,815
Yeah.

377
00:19:08,897 --> 00:19:11,358
The best meat's under
the toe nails.

378
00:19:12,609 --> 00:19:13,653
Is it?

379
00:19:19,032 --> 00:19:21,368
ALL: Surprise!

380
00:19:23,997 --> 00:19:25,707
Oh, my God! What's all this?

381
00:19:25,789 --> 00:19:29,669
Oh, no, I'm so surprised.
No, I really am this time.

382
00:19:29,751 --> 00:19:31,837
-So am I.
-Me, too.

383
00:19:31,921 --> 00:19:33,756
Until this sausage,
I thought the grossest thing

384
00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:35,340
I'd ever eaten was kale.

385
00:19:36,217 --> 00:19:40,054
My God, I can't believe it.
Could anything be more wonderful?

386
00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:45,393
Max, I can't believe
you did all this.

387
00:19:45,476 --> 00:19:48,145
I thought you came to do what you
usually do when you get depressed.

388
00:19:48,229 --> 00:19:51,316
Get drunk and throw the finger
at people from the stoop.

389
00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:53,902
No stoop. But I am drunk.

390
00:19:53,984 --> 00:19:55,612
You think
I could've done this sober?

391
00:19:56,403 --> 00:19:59,031
I just figured, with everything
around us being so black lately,

392
00:19:59,115 --> 00:20:00,490
I thought we needed a little pink.

393
00:20:00,575 --> 00:20:02,285
You're right. We did.

394
00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:04,412
Because our t-shirt business is over.

395
00:20:04,494 --> 00:20:06,788
We still have to pay that bank loan.
Now, what?

396
00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:09,041
We'll figure something out.
We always do.

397
00:20:10,167 --> 00:20:11,627
Hey, girls, come quick.

398
00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:14,380
We're gonna play "Guess Sophie's
Favorite Sex Position".

399
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:16,798
(CHEERING)

400
00:20:17,174 --> 00:20:20,595
It's on all fours, watching
How To Get Away With Murder.

401
00:20:21,346 --> 00:20:23,556
See? I told you I was gonna win.

402
00:20:27,143 --> 00:20:29,561
And it just got black again.

403
00:20:29,645 --> 00:20:31,189
Yeah, real black.

404
00:20:31,980 --> 00:20:34,776
This is wet.
Max, did you already eat this?

405
00:20:34,858 --> 00:20:37,278
I told you I don't like
a strawberry center.

406
00:20:37,362 --> 00:20:40,280
I am not gonna beat
myself up about it.

407
00:20:43,742 --> 00:20:44,661
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

408
00:20:46,703 --> 00:20:49,749
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

409
00:21:08,476 --> 00:21:10,603
(English US - SDH)