1
00:00:02,044 --> 00:00:03,754
The Sad Lady Book Club

2
00:00:03,838 --> 00:00:06,506
is reading
"Fifty Shades of Grey" again.

3
00:00:08,259 --> 00:00:11,303
There's not a dry seat in the house.

4
00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:15,724
If those ladies are that
into light torture,

5
00:00:15,807 --> 00:00:17,768
they should just apply for our jobs.

6
00:00:19,228 --> 00:00:20,980
-(RINGS BELL)
-Hey.

7
00:00:21,062 --> 00:00:23,274
You two are so adorable.

8
00:00:23,356 --> 00:00:28,111
Like Romeo and Juliet,
but without the bright future.

9
00:00:28,195 --> 00:00:30,071
Yeah.

10
00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:31,907
I want him out of the diner.

11
00:00:31,990 --> 00:00:33,993
What are you talking about?

12
00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:35,578
Anyone who works in this diner
is like a

13
00:00:35,661 --> 00:00:36,829
fat guy in a smart car.

14
00:00:36,911 --> 00:00:39,414
You can never get out.

15
00:00:39,497 --> 00:00:40,707
It's true.

16
00:00:40,875 --> 00:00:44,295
I came in here in 1962
for a cup of coffee.

17
00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:47,423
Someone asked me to break
a dollar, and I never left.

18
00:00:48,506 --> 00:00:49,966
Look, living, working,

19
00:00:50,049 --> 00:00:53,219
and sleeping with the same guy
is never a good idea.

20
00:00:53,637 --> 00:00:56,265
Just talk to Hillary Clinton.

21
00:00:56,848 --> 00:00:58,850
I guess
I can get a dishwasher fired.

22
00:00:59,058 --> 00:01:02,271
When I was rich, I got Wolfgang
Puck fired from Wolfgang Puck.

23
00:01:03,021 --> 00:01:07,358
Get yours, Max!
Hit it, then quit it.

24
00:01:07,442 --> 00:01:11,070
That strategy served me well
in my 20s and 30s.

25
00:01:12,156 --> 00:01:14,867
Evening, ladies.

26
00:01:16,034 --> 00:01:18,287
Also, my 70s.

27
00:01:19,162 --> 00:01:22,081
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

28
00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:23,459
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

29
00:01:30,549 --> 00:01:31,591
(RINGS BELL)

30
00:01:31,674 --> 00:01:34,677
Pick up. Or don't.
Who gives a crap?

31
00:01:35,679 --> 00:01:38,182
Well, someone's in a bad mood.
What's wrong, Oleg?

32
00:01:38,265 --> 00:01:41,602
Did they discontinue
making Axe body spray?

33
00:01:42,645 --> 00:01:43,603
Don't even kid.

34
00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:47,733
No, I'm cranky because
I'm not having sex right now.

35
00:01:47,817 --> 00:01:49,151
Yeah, I thought it was weird

36
00:01:49,317 --> 00:01:51,861
seeing both your hands
while you were talking.

37
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:55,198
Sophie's idea.
It's some old Polish ritual.

38
00:01:55,281 --> 00:01:56,825
The bride and groom
remain chaste

39
00:01:56,908 --> 00:01:58,993
for 30 days before the wedding.

40
00:01:59,078 --> 00:02:00,995
Apparently, the "something blue"
at the wedding

41
00:02:01,079 --> 00:02:03,165
has got to be my balls.

42
00:02:04,457 --> 00:02:06,376
So, you're practicing celibacy.

43
00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:08,628
I'm trying,
but there are women everywhere.

44
00:02:08,711 --> 00:02:12,216
I feel like a bull
in a vagina shop.

45
00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:15,009
Hear ye, hear ye!

46
00:02:15,093 --> 00:02:17,930
I'm unveiling a major
improvement to the diner!

47
00:02:18,013 --> 00:02:20,682
Well, we'll miss you, Han.

48
00:02:20,765 --> 00:02:22,393
Nice try, Max.

49
00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:25,812
But like Ryan Seacrest,
I'll be here forever.

50
00:02:27,021 --> 00:02:28,816
Now, will you all please do

51
00:02:28,899 --> 00:02:31,360
what you have yet to do
on Twitter and follow me?

52
00:02:33,194 --> 00:02:34,112
You too, Earl.

53
00:02:34,195 --> 00:02:35,739
Hell, this better be good.

54
00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:38,366
Every step I take
could be my last.

55
00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:45,456
-And now...
-Without further a-douche.

56
00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:47,960
Ready to have your minds blown?

57
00:02:48,043 --> 00:02:51,004
At this point, I'm ready
to have anything blown.

58
00:02:52,338 --> 00:02:53,799
Ta-da!

59
00:02:54,049 --> 00:02:56,175
That is the worst gift
I ever received

60
00:02:56,259 --> 00:02:59,930
and last year,
my son bought me a coffin.

61
00:03:02,765 --> 00:03:05,185
This works out great then
because it's not for you.

62
00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:06,312
It's for Nash.

63
00:03:06,812 --> 00:03:09,105
Oh, well, that's real nice.

64
00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:12,651
Because the shower at
Max's place doesn't work at all.

65
00:03:12,735 --> 00:03:16,405
You better believe it's nice.
That's the Spritzy 5000.

66
00:03:16,487 --> 00:03:20,283
Dishwasher Weekly gave it four
out of four Dishes.

67
00:03:20,366 --> 00:03:23,245
You know our oven doesn't work,
right?

68
00:03:23,329 --> 00:03:28,042
Hey, boss lady, if we work hard,
do we get a gift?

69
00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:30,461
If you work hard,
I'll die childless

70
00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:32,337
with my mouth frozen open
in shock.

71
00:03:32,420 --> 00:03:34,757
Yeah, I went there!

72
00:03:35,257 --> 00:03:38,885
Nash works hard, so only he
may handle my beautiful hose!

73
00:03:39,802 --> 00:03:41,889
Well, if he's
handling Han's hose,

74
00:03:41,972 --> 00:03:44,182
he's never getting fired.

75
00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:45,850
Okay. Step up here, Nash.

76
00:03:45,935 --> 00:03:47,937
I'll show you
what this puppy can do.

77
00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:55,485
So far
the puppy can't reach the hose.

78
00:03:55,985 --> 00:03:58,237
A little help.

79
00:04:01,407 --> 00:04:04,954
Aw, there's nothing cuter
than a hot guy holding a baby.

80
00:04:07,622 --> 00:04:10,626
Now just grab that thing
and squeeze it till it sprays.

81
00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:13,378
Move to call a moratorium

82
00:04:13,544 --> 00:04:17,632
on the words "grab," "squeeze,"
and "sprays" till the wedding.

83
00:04:25,348 --> 00:04:26,432
Damn, that's hot.

84
00:04:28,018 --> 00:04:31,480
And me without any singles
to stuff down his pants.

85
00:04:31,562 --> 00:04:33,314
Well, I better go dry off
in the men's room.

86
00:04:34,899 --> 00:04:36,401
Don't be too long in that stall.

87
00:04:36,485 --> 00:04:39,153
I've got a date with the
Land O'Lakes butter package lady

88
00:04:39,237 --> 00:04:40,738
on my next break.

89
00:04:44,784 --> 00:04:46,202
(ALL GASP)

90
00:04:48,872 --> 00:04:52,209
Oh, pardon me, ladies.
I'm all wet.

91
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:53,877
(ALL GASP)

92
00:04:54,670 --> 00:04:56,754
Max? Are you seeing
what I'm seeing?

93
00:04:56,838 --> 00:04:58,465
Those ladies looking at him

94
00:04:58,548 --> 00:05:01,718
like a senior special
at Sizzler's?

95
00:05:03,428 --> 00:05:04,346
We might not be able
to get Nash fired,

96
00:05:04,430 --> 00:05:07,516
but we can get him hired
as a fashion model.

97
00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:09,600
Look at their faces.

98
00:05:09,685 --> 00:05:12,312
He could be the future bulge
of Calvin Klein.

99
00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:14,064
Now you're talking
about the future?

100
00:05:14,148 --> 00:05:16,149
Why can't you accept
we are stuck

101
00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:18,151
with a really crappy present?

102
00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:21,697
Quit trash-talking
the Spritzy 5000!

103
00:05:27,286 --> 00:05:29,454
Good afternoon.
Welcome to The High.

104
00:05:29,538 --> 00:05:31,415
I'll have somebody
get you some water.

105
00:05:31,497 --> 00:05:34,043
Not me, 'cause I'm past that.

106
00:05:34,375 --> 00:05:36,002
You know, here.

107
00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:37,963
I think I sat another
one of those

108
00:05:38,047 --> 00:05:40,173
lesbian blind-dates for our boss.

109
00:05:40,257 --> 00:05:42,593
It's hard out there for a pimp.

110
00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:45,137
Why do you think
I got out of pimping?

111
00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:48,014
That and someone broke a
beer bottle over my head.

112
00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:49,807
So, did you get Nash
a modeling job yet?

113
00:05:49,891 --> 00:05:53,644
I'm working on it. It's not like
I can just call Tyra Banks.

114
00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:56,398
Well, that's what
her people said when I called.

115
00:05:56,481 --> 00:05:59,817
(SIGHS) Phone therapy ran long.

116
00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:02,821
Apparently, I have more issues
than I realized

117
00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:06,074
about Rosie leaving The View.

118
00:06:06,158 --> 00:06:07,701
Are my dates here yet?

119
00:06:08,535 --> 00:06:11,245
Please don't tell me it's her,
her, or her.

120
00:06:11,329 --> 00:06:14,083
It's her, her, and her.

121
00:06:15,334 --> 00:06:16,418
Lose them.

122
00:06:16,502 --> 00:06:18,377
How am I supposed
to get rid of them?

123
00:06:18,461 --> 00:06:19,545
Just say what anyone says

124
00:06:19,629 --> 00:06:21,005
when they
want a lesbian to leave.

125
00:06:21,173 --> 00:06:24,718
"There's a Subaru outside
that's about to get a ticket."

126
00:06:24,802 --> 00:06:26,220
If you had you told me,
10 years ago,

127
00:06:26,302 --> 00:06:30,473
I'd be on a dating site
called "Lez Meet Up,"

128
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:33,560
I would've told the youth pastor
I was married to,

129
00:06:33,644 --> 00:06:36,021
"You've lost your mind."

130
00:06:40,192 --> 00:06:41,651
Oh! I just got some interest

131
00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:43,694
from the
Del Monaco Modeling Agency.

132
00:06:43,778 --> 00:06:45,572
But for the interview,
he needs photos.

133
00:06:45,656 --> 00:06:48,742
And, not just the pictures
of his butt on your phone.

134
00:06:48,826 --> 00:06:50,409
Fine, you handle it.

135
00:06:50,661 --> 00:06:51,995
The only thing I know
about modeling

136
00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:53,122
is a couple of years ago,

137
00:06:53,204 --> 00:06:56,082
I was the face of shingles
on WebMD.

138
00:06:59,377 --> 00:07:02,380
Girls, perfect timing to ask me
to do this photo shoot.

139
00:07:02,463 --> 00:07:05,675
The FBI just gave me
my camera back last week.

140
00:07:06,134 --> 00:07:07,970
Oh, so you get your camera back,

141
00:07:08,052 --> 00:07:09,805
but I'm still waiting
on that kilo of coke

142
00:07:09,887 --> 00:07:13,641
that I spent hours
carefully filling my butt with?

143
00:07:14,685 --> 00:07:16,185
Let me just change the settings.

144
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:20,439
This camera is used to taking
pictures from 800 feet away.

145
00:07:22,024 --> 00:07:24,944
And we want those pictures back,
Oleg!

146
00:07:25,028 --> 00:07:26,947
Hey, everybody!

147
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:31,660
Just call me "rush hour traffic"
'cause I sure am horny.

148
00:07:32,536 --> 00:07:34,163
Oh, Caroline.

149
00:07:34,370 --> 00:07:38,792
I do not know how you go years,
and years, and years, and years,

150
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:43,045
and years, and years
without doing the nasty.

151
00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:46,632
It's only been years and years.

152
00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:49,011
-Come on.
-And years.

153
00:07:49,093 --> 00:07:51,512
I could go for a
brisket sandwich.

154
00:07:51,596 --> 00:07:52,598
We're closed, Sophie.

155
00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:55,808
I know. I got one in my purse.

156
00:07:55,893 --> 00:07:57,685
Why are you doing
the photo shoot

157
00:07:57,769 --> 00:07:59,687
in this skanky dish room?

158
00:07:59,771 --> 00:08:03,274
Because we're going
with the "hot dishwasher" angle.

159
00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:05,319
The agency said every model
needs a hook.

160
00:08:05,401 --> 00:08:07,403
Yeah, like how Cindy Crawford
has a beauty mark

161
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,656
and Anna Nicole Smith is dead.

162
00:08:09,740 --> 00:08:12,576
Yeah, yeah, my sister is a
model in Poland

163
00:08:12,658 --> 00:08:14,286
and she has a hook.

164
00:08:14,369 --> 00:08:18,749
It's her left hand, yeah.
It's also great for kabobs.

165
00:08:18,831 --> 00:08:20,417
Come on, Nash!

166
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:23,002
Put a little Irish Spring
in your step.

167
00:08:23,086 --> 00:08:24,379
I'm a little nervous.

168
00:08:24,463 --> 00:08:27,257
The only time I had my
picture taken was at school.

169
00:08:27,591 --> 00:08:30,802
The priest said he needed a
shirtless one for the roll call.

170
00:08:31,928 --> 00:08:35,724
Where did he go to school,
Our Lady of To Catch a Predator?

171
00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:37,183
Wow.

172
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:39,602
You sure look hot.

173
00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:42,272
Careful, Sophie.
That's my brisket.

174
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:46,192
I'm not talking
about Daniel Day-Loser here.

175
00:08:46,275 --> 00:08:48,070
I'm talking about Oleg.

176
00:08:49,028 --> 00:08:54,576
Oh. You are sweating
like an old knockwurst

177
00:08:54,784 --> 00:08:58,538
that has been left out
in the sun.

178
00:08:58,956 --> 00:09:03,293
Oh. It's really breathtaking.

179
00:09:04,253 --> 00:09:07,547
Okay, Nash,
stand over here near the hose

180
00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:10,384
and give me hot face, dead eyes.

181
00:09:10,466 --> 00:09:12,594
You know, like me
when I mix NyQuil and DayQuil.

182
00:09:12,677 --> 00:09:14,596
I call it AfternoonQuil.

183
00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:16,932
Okay. Now I'm gonna
start shooting.

184
00:09:17,014 --> 00:09:19,100
Yeah. Shoot, baby! Shoot!

185
00:09:20,686 --> 00:09:22,062
CAROLINE: What do you think?

186
00:09:22,144 --> 00:09:24,940
Well, he's stiff,
but not in the good way.

187
00:09:25,481 --> 00:09:26,774
This is painful.

188
00:09:26,857 --> 00:09:30,070
He's like Susan Boyle
without the star quality.

189
00:09:30,153 --> 00:09:32,280
We need a little of what he had
the other day.

190
00:09:32,364 --> 00:09:34,365
You'll thank me for this later.

191
00:09:37,119 --> 00:09:40,080
Yes, Nash, yes! Tear your shirt!

192
00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:46,086
-Yeah, yeah.
-Oh, yeah, yeah.

193
00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:50,841
Stop!

194
00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:55,636
What the hell
is happening in here?

195
00:09:55,721 --> 00:09:57,264
I didn't give anyone permission

196
00:09:57,346 --> 00:09:59,140
to use my diner
for a photo shoot.

197
00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:00,475
Calm down.

198
00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:02,686
We are trying to get him
a modeling job.

199
00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:05,022
He has a job!
He's my number one worker.

200
00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:07,566
Like the doctor said to your
mother when you were born,

201
00:10:07,649 --> 00:10:09,692
"Tough break."

202
00:10:09,775 --> 00:10:12,528
You two crows
don't let me have anything!

203
00:10:17,701 --> 00:10:19,911
Okay, Nash, part of the model audish

204
00:10:19,995 --> 00:10:21,705
is to see you as a performer

205
00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:23,289
in commercials, and movies,

206
00:10:23,373 --> 00:10:25,250
and other things people
don't watch anymore.

207
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:26,710
Now, obviously,
right out of the gate,

208
00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:29,587
you're not gonna be as good
as that duck who says "Aflac."

209
00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:32,798
But you've got to be
at least as good as Ben Affleck.

210
00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:36,177
I can help. For a time,
I had a rich acting career.

211
00:10:36,510 --> 00:10:38,429
It started
with a starring role in Annie,

212
00:10:38,513 --> 00:10:39,931
and ended when I portrayed
Rosa Parks

213
00:10:40,014 --> 00:10:41,390
in an ill-advised school production

214
00:10:41,475 --> 00:10:44,186
that led to an investigation
by the NAACP.

215
00:10:44,269 --> 00:10:48,065
Ooh! This is a commercial
for breakfast cereal!

216
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:50,567
Every actor's dream!

217
00:10:50,649 --> 00:10:53,361
Hey, Nash, read this.
Think James Dean.

218
00:10:53,445 --> 00:10:56,990
But alive and eating Cocoa Puffs.

219
00:10:57,783 --> 00:10:59,701
"Cocoa Puffs are a delicious part

220
00:10:59,784 --> 00:11:02,913
of any well-balanced breakfast."

221
00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:06,500
-I'm trying to find a nice way--
-You suck, bro.

222
00:11:09,503 --> 00:11:11,129
You... You get it.

223
00:11:11,337 --> 00:11:13,423
You know the thrill of eating chocolate

224
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:16,842
at a traditionally
non-chocolatey time of day.

225
00:11:17,094 --> 00:11:18,470
Let's tap into that.

226
00:11:19,428 --> 00:11:23,265
Okay, take it from the top.
And this time, go cuckoo.

227
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:25,851
Go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

228
00:11:26,436 --> 00:11:29,688
-"Cocoa Puffs are a delicious--"
-Stop.

229
00:11:29,773 --> 00:11:33,485
Don't phone this in.
It's not Raisin Bran.

230
00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:35,361
"Pocoa Cuffs are a delicious--"

231
00:11:35,445 --> 00:11:40,200
"Pocoa Cuffs"?
Pocoa Cuffs?

232
00:11:40,283 --> 00:11:43,327
I just can't with these
rank amateurs, Caroline.

233
00:11:43,495 --> 00:11:44,955
Max, calm down.

234
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:47,289
It's a fake tryout
for a cereal commercial,

235
00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:50,210
not Dance Moms.

236
00:11:50,293 --> 00:11:53,296
I'm nervous. I'm not an actor.

237
00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:56,549
Ah hah! No, you are not.
Give me that.

238
00:11:57,259 --> 00:12:00,261
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Got it.

239
00:12:02,806 --> 00:12:06,225
Cocoa Puffs are a delicious part
of any well-balanced breakfast!

240
00:12:06,308 --> 00:12:07,769
They're good for you,
which parents love,

241
00:12:07,852 --> 00:12:09,729
and they taste like candy,
which I love!

242
00:12:09,812 --> 00:12:13,274
(CHUCKLING) I can't help it!
I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!

243
00:12:13,357 --> 00:12:14,442
Cuckoo!

244
00:12:16,735 --> 00:12:17,988
I'm tearing up,

245
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:21,533
and it's not just the black mold
in here.

246
00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:23,243
Max, I think you may have
just set

247
00:12:23,326 --> 00:12:25,578
the acting bar too high.

248
00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:26,830
-Oh!
-(KNOCKING)

249
00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:29,124
I've never set a bar
too high before.

250
00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:32,543
I've set a bar on fire
and I've left a bar too high.

251
00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:35,129
Oh, hey, girls.

252
00:12:35,212 --> 00:12:38,299
Oh, do you mind if I hang down
here with you for a while?

253
00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:39,884
Oleg is up there, he's

254
00:12:39,967 --> 00:12:42,386
trying to seduce me
by cleaning the apartment.

255
00:12:42,471 --> 00:12:46,224
And it's, oh, oh, so dirty.

256
00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:48,726
-(VACUUMING)
-Oh!

257
00:12:48,976 --> 00:12:53,105
Oh, he's vacuuming now,
which means he's naked.

258
00:12:53,190 --> 00:12:56,692
Oh, and me and my Polish values.

259
00:12:57,903 --> 00:12:59,153
Polish Values?

260
00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:02,157
That's the name of my favorite
dollar store in Brooklyn.

261
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,493
-(VACUUMING CONTINUES)
-(MOANS)

262
00:13:05,869 --> 00:13:08,996
Oh, he's deep-cleaning the shag.
Oh, my God.

263
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:12,125
Somebody, do something
to make me not want sex.

264
00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:15,544
All right. Nash, why don't you
show us your runway walk?

265
00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:20,299
That was it.

266
00:13:20,383 --> 00:13:23,260
Oh. I thought you were going
to pick up a pen.

267
00:13:23,345 --> 00:13:25,764
Oh, thanks, perfect.

268
00:13:25,846 --> 00:13:29,475
Now I'm completely turned off.

269
00:13:29,558 --> 00:13:31,519
Oh, watching that potato
walk across the room,

270
00:13:31,602 --> 00:13:33,480
really did the trick.

271
00:13:34,272 --> 00:13:36,982
Nash, concentrate.
Follow my lead.

272
00:13:37,067 --> 00:13:39,235
Bam. Pow. Bam. Pow.

273
00:13:39,318 --> 00:13:40,445
And step and bam,
and step and pow,

274
00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:42,197
and step and bam!

275
00:13:42,279 --> 00:13:44,823
Oh, even better!

276
00:13:45,115 --> 00:13:47,409
I mean, after that,

277
00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:51,914
they could film the sequel to
Frozen on my lady parts.

278
00:13:55,043 --> 00:13:56,794
Yeah, me too.

279
00:13:57,044 --> 00:14:00,798
But just 'cause I "Let It Go"
down there.

280
00:14:00,881 --> 00:14:04,677
-(VACUUMING CONTINUES)
-(MOANING)

281
00:14:05,386 --> 00:14:08,347
Oh, now he's using
the wand attachment.

282
00:14:08,682 --> 00:14:12,811
Oh, and he's getting real deep
between the cushions.

283
00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:15,563
Oh, my God, just screw it!

284
00:14:15,730 --> 00:14:18,066
I'm never gonna make it
to the wedding!

285
00:14:18,149 --> 00:14:20,902
(MOANING)

286
00:14:20,985 --> 00:14:22,195
Oh, Grandma Kachinsky,

287
00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:24,489
please forgive me
for what I'm about to do.

288
00:14:24,572 --> 00:14:26,365
I...

289
00:14:26,740 --> 00:14:29,702
You were no White Lily yourself!

290
00:14:34,249 --> 00:14:36,334
(GASPS) Wow!

291
00:14:36,418 --> 00:14:38,961
He's bamming and powing up a storm.

292
00:14:39,044 --> 00:14:41,463
When he's famous,
I hope he remembers us.

293
00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:45,467
I like to think I did some
things he will never forget.

294
00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:46,845
How's that?

295
00:14:46,927 --> 00:14:48,888
Great, you can walk.

296
00:14:48,971 --> 00:14:52,267
If you can read, too,
I'll treat myself to a Snapple.

297
00:14:52,350 --> 00:14:56,020
-Let's get to the copy.
-Actually, we came prepared.

298
00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:57,813
Nash rehearsed
the Cocoa Puffs commercial.

299
00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,982
-I think you'll be quite moved.
-Oh, yeah.

300
00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:03,736
Well, we'll be reading something
a little different today.

301
00:15:04,946 --> 00:15:06,865
Don't panic.
They do this all the time.

302
00:15:06,947 --> 00:15:08,700
They want to make sure
you're flexible.

303
00:15:09,241 --> 00:15:13,288
Go ahead. Whatever cereal it is,
act like it's delicious.

304
00:15:13,370 --> 00:15:15,706
Unless it's Rice Krispies.
A-boring!

305
00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:18,418
Okay, here goes.

306
00:15:19,501 --> 00:15:22,922
"You know you like it.
Bend over, bitch."

307
00:15:23,005 --> 00:15:26,842
(GROANS) Are we missing a page?

308
00:15:27,302 --> 00:15:29,971
Cereals have changed
since I was a kid.

309
00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:31,472
Should I read the part

310
00:15:31,556 --> 00:15:33,140
where I notice the teacher
is not wearing any panties?

311
00:15:33,224 --> 00:15:35,184
Oh, my God. This is porn!

312
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:37,645
No wonder all those people
out there were freaks.

313
00:15:37,729 --> 00:15:41,482
No wonder I recognized
so many of them!

314
00:15:42,107 --> 00:15:43,610
Don't act so surprised.

315
00:15:43,692 --> 00:15:46,196
Everyone knows Cocoa Puffs
is code for porn.

316
00:15:47,864 --> 00:15:48,990
Also, you sent us some pictures

317
00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:53,119
taken by someone
very experienced in erotica.

318
00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:56,413
We can't let him do this.

319
00:15:56,498 --> 00:15:58,415
I have a movie that
starts shooting tomorrow

320
00:15:58,500 --> 00:16:00,293
that pays $1,000 a day.

321
00:16:01,043 --> 00:16:04,755
-Can we?
-Maybe we can't.

322
00:16:04,839 --> 00:16:08,134
It's the lead in Sorest Rump.

323
00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:14,057
Maybe we can.

324
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:17,394
I think we need
a little sidebar, Delores.

325
00:16:18,186 --> 00:16:20,772
-Should I come with you?
-No, we're good.

326
00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:22,565
I have a couple of questions
for the actor.

327
00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:25,652
Can you swim,
and are you circumcised?

328
00:16:26,695 --> 00:16:28,363
Max, this has gone too far.

329
00:16:28,446 --> 00:16:30,322
I know, I was expecting you
to crash with me

330
00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:31,282
for a couple of days

331
00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:32,616
and get your own place.

332
00:16:34,244 --> 00:16:36,078
Are we really gonna let
Nash do porn

333
00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:38,163
just so he doesn't work at the diner?

334
00:16:38,248 --> 00:16:42,210
Hey, ladies, what's it gonna be?
I got other talent to see.

335
00:16:42,293 --> 00:16:44,254
I got a guy named Lustin Beaver

336
00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:47,215
taking the Amtrak
in from Philly.

337
00:16:49,926 --> 00:16:54,346
Max, if you're really keen on me
being a porn actor, I'll do it.

338
00:16:54,431 --> 00:16:56,265
She says tomorrow
they start filming

339
00:16:56,349 --> 00:16:59,727
The Grand Booty Fest Hotel.

340
00:17:00,102 --> 00:17:02,480
And they'll pay me more
for my accent.

341
00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:06,901
Also, what does
"gay for pay" mean?

342
00:17:07,943 --> 00:17:09,112
(GROANS)

343
00:17:09,194 --> 00:17:10,864
I guess it means we got to go.

344
00:17:17,412 --> 00:17:18,621
Look at him, Max.

345
00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:22,250
A cute guy, eaten up
and spat out by show business

346
00:17:22,333 --> 00:17:25,502
like so many Baldwin brothers
before him.

347
00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:28,131
Nash doesn't care
about modeling.

348
00:17:28,213 --> 00:17:30,508
He's 21.
He doesn't care about anything.

349
00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:33,260
His biggest concern
is playing with the Xbox.

350
00:17:33,344 --> 00:17:36,263
Mine and, also,
the popular video game system.

351
00:17:36,346 --> 00:17:37,932
He cares about you.

352
00:17:38,016 --> 00:17:39,976
He was willing to do
"gay for pay."

353
00:17:40,058 --> 00:17:44,646
(CHUCKLING) Did I hear Nash
is going "gay for pay"?

354
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:47,942
'Cause I've got $4
burning a hole in my pocket.

355
00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:50,487
Oh, a customer.

356
00:17:50,694 --> 00:17:52,822
Hi, welcome to The High.
Here for dessert?

357
00:17:53,323 --> 00:17:55,909
Oh, thanks, but I haven't
had cake since my Sweet 16.

358
00:17:55,991 --> 00:17:58,327
And even then,
I made myself throw it up.

359
00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:02,414
I'm meeting someone here
and my phone's about to die.

360
00:18:02,499 --> 00:18:04,917
And if it dies, I will too.
Do you have an outlet?

361
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,170
Screaming in the shower
really works for me.

362
00:18:07,252 --> 00:18:09,213
Like, right into the water.

363
00:18:09,923 --> 00:18:12,717
Super cute.
But I do need a phone outlet.

364
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,134
I'll plug you in, honey.

365
00:18:14,219 --> 00:18:17,137
And I'll take care
of your phone, too.

366
00:18:17,638 --> 00:18:20,016
-Girls, meet Marie.
-Hi.

367
00:18:20,098 --> 00:18:21,893
Seriously, down to 10 percent.

368
00:18:21,976 --> 00:18:24,311
Oh, did you two meet
on "Lez Meet Up"?

369
00:18:24,394 --> 00:18:27,147
No, honey, I've never been
on "Lez Meet Up."

370
00:18:28,232 --> 00:18:30,943
Oh, you're thinking of me,
Caroline.

371
00:18:31,027 --> 00:18:33,947
You know how much
I love lady tail.

372
00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:36,490
This place is amazing.

373
00:18:36,574 --> 00:18:38,742
Isn't it amazing?

374
00:18:38,826 --> 00:18:41,328
I had the decorator
redo it nine times.

375
00:18:41,578 --> 00:18:45,290
You can feel his anger
in the walls. It's electric.

376
00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:46,291
We're electric.

377
00:18:46,375 --> 00:18:48,752
-Who is this miracle?
-That's Nash.

378
00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:52,257
I found him in the Bowery
next to a pile of burning trash.

379
00:18:53,173 --> 00:18:54,133
Go say hi.

380
00:18:54,509 --> 00:18:57,679
He's even creamier
and more delicious up close.

381
00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:01,223
You're eating?
That is so punk rock.

382
00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:03,433
Tell me everything right now.

383
00:19:03,518 --> 00:19:07,396
Uh, well, I'm a dishwasher.
I'm from Ireland.

384
00:19:07,564 --> 00:19:08,897
Oh, I was trying to become a model

385
00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:11,442
and I almost did porn an hour ago.

386
00:19:11,526 --> 00:19:13,611
That is the best story I ever heard.

387
00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:17,115
Tell it to me again standing up.
But this time, don't talk.

388
00:19:18,490 --> 00:19:21,118
I see face, I see ass,
I see model.

389
00:19:21,201 --> 00:19:22,369
Do you have a manager?

390
00:19:22,912 --> 00:19:25,664
I guess that'd be Caroline,
the blonde one over there.

391
00:19:25,748 --> 00:19:28,000
Blonde one, come over here

392
00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:29,626
and talk to me about your client.

393
00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:31,336
I am in love. He's perfection.

394
00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:34,214
Marie Prower,
Senior VP of Marketing.

395
00:19:34,298 --> 00:19:36,009
-Sweet, what company?
-Guess.

396
00:19:36,092 --> 00:19:38,510
Tommy Hilfinger.

397
00:19:38,595 --> 00:19:41,096
I work for Guess, darling.

398
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,223
No more words. Listen.

399
00:19:43,391 --> 00:19:44,976
He's amazing.

400
00:19:45,476 --> 00:19:46,728
I would tweet about him right now,

401
00:19:46,810 --> 00:19:47,811
but my phone is dead.

402
00:19:47,895 --> 00:19:49,897
So bring him into my office on Monday.

403
00:19:49,980 --> 00:19:51,023
You heard her, Caroline.

404
00:19:51,106 --> 00:19:54,277
Bring him into her office tomorrow.

405
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:56,194
She's obsessed with me.

406
00:19:57,654 --> 00:20:00,032
Max, I was right. He is a model.

407
00:20:00,616 --> 00:20:03,411
Get me a hot wife
and a hotter woman to cheat on with

408
00:20:03,493 --> 00:20:05,038
'cause I'm a big-time talent manager.

409
00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:08,625
Congratulations, dude.

410
00:20:09,125 --> 00:20:10,460
Well, I guess if this works out,

411
00:20:10,542 --> 00:20:12,711
I'm gonna have to quit the diner.

412
00:20:13,003 --> 00:20:14,087
Will you be mad at me?

413
00:20:16,465 --> 00:20:18,675
I'll be really sad.

414
00:20:18,843 --> 00:20:20,761
I'm gonna miss you a lot, you know?

415
00:20:20,970 --> 00:20:22,805
Not seeing you 24/7.

416
00:20:22,888 --> 00:20:25,182
But I would hate myself

417
00:20:25,432 --> 00:20:27,894
if I didn't let you
follow your dreams.

418
00:20:27,977 --> 00:20:32,315
Even if it means you moving
out of the apartment, too.

419
00:20:32,397 --> 00:20:33,775
Now go.

420
00:20:36,318 --> 00:20:40,155
Here comes that tear again.
I'm all choked up.

421
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:44,117
Max, you would have made
a great Rosa Parks.

422
00:20:44,201 --> 00:20:46,119
If you had been black.

423
00:20:46,371 --> 00:20:48,288
Which I guess
is what they insist on.

424
00:20:50,540 --> 00:20:53,001
But you got him to move out!
You are good.

425
00:20:53,086 --> 00:20:55,837
Yeah, well, I mean, he is cute,

426
00:20:55,922 --> 00:20:58,883
but I'm not all that coo-coo
for his Cocoa Puffs.

427
00:21:02,804 --> 00:21:04,137
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

428
00:21:05,306 --> 00:21:07,224
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

429
00:21:27,369 --> 00:21:29,372
(English US - SDH)