1 00:00:00,543 --> 00:00:02,085 I'll go check on your salads. 2 00:00:04,379 --> 00:00:06,549 Oleg, what's the hold-up with the salads? 3 00:00:06,631 --> 00:00:08,551 I never made one before. 4 00:00:10,678 --> 00:00:12,012 My two favorite guys, 5 00:00:12,096 --> 00:00:14,890 Big Doug and Sancho, are ordering salads? 6 00:00:14,974 --> 00:00:16,600 What happened to their usual BLTs? 7 00:00:16,684 --> 00:00:18,602 Burgers, lasagna and tacos? 8 00:00:19,478 --> 00:00:21,230 They said they want to lose weight. 9 00:00:21,312 --> 00:00:22,272 And no matter what you order, 10 00:00:22,647 --> 00:00:24,774 it's easier to throw up here than at home. 11 00:00:26,068 --> 00:00:28,403 I don't get why nobody wants to be fat anymore. 12 00:00:28,611 --> 00:00:31,407 The fat seasons of Oprah were always the best. 13 00:00:34,576 --> 00:00:35,911 You're right. 14 00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:39,039 Every other year of Oprah was the best years. 15 00:00:41,292 --> 00:00:44,545 What is this I hear about you blushing beauties on a diet? 16 00:00:44,628 --> 00:00:45,755 Oh, we're not blushing. 17 00:00:45,838 --> 00:00:48,131 We're just still flushed from sitting down. 18 00:00:50,593 --> 00:00:52,136 And we're trying to get in shape. 19 00:00:52,219 --> 00:00:55,305 Preferably a shape that doesn't resemble a seasonal gourd. 20 00:00:57,182 --> 00:00:58,933 Plus, my girlfriend wants me to slim down 21 00:00:59,018 --> 00:01:01,520 so we can sit on the same side of the plane when we travel. 22 00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:09,319 Well, Big Doug, you tell that lucky lady 23 00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:12,989 that I would rather date a man with boobs bigger than mine 24 00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:14,533 than a man who brings his own 25 00:01:14,617 --> 00:01:16,451 salad dressing to a restaurant. 26 00:01:20,623 --> 00:01:21,706 Pie me. 27 00:01:22,415 --> 00:01:24,126 Cherry, pumpkin, or coconut cream? 28 00:01:24,210 --> 00:01:25,668 -Yes. -Yes. 29 00:01:28,296 --> 00:01:32,384 Max Black, bringing smiles to men's faces since puberty. 30 00:01:33,635 --> 00:01:35,721 (THEME MUSIC PLAYS) 31 00:01:36,388 --> 00:01:37,555 (CASH REGISTER RINGS) 32 00:01:46,189 --> 00:01:47,399 I just talked to this guy at... 33 00:01:47,775 --> 00:01:50,152 I think it's table three. I still don't know the numbers. 34 00:01:51,027 --> 00:01:52,695 Anyway, he asked, "What's new?" 35 00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:54,281 And I told him we were opening a dessert bar 36 00:01:54,365 --> 00:01:55,865 at the airport tomorrow. 37 00:01:56,075 --> 00:01:57,867 Then I realized he was asking what kind of pot 38 00:01:57,951 --> 00:01:59,787 I was selling this week. 39 00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:04,375 Why are you telling people about us and the airport? 40 00:02:04,667 --> 00:02:07,335 It's like when you told everyone you thought you had HPV. 41 00:02:09,546 --> 00:02:12,883 That was a state-mandated kind of thing. 42 00:02:14,509 --> 00:02:17,513 Oh, look who it is. The airport people. 43 00:02:17,596 --> 00:02:20,181 You guys putting together a little happy hour? 44 00:02:20,265 --> 00:02:21,933 With the jocks at Southwest? 45 00:02:22,016 --> 00:02:24,103 Or the "in crowd" at the Virgin Terminal? 46 00:02:25,771 --> 00:02:28,189 You know who's going to be a terminal virgin? 47 00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:32,610 You can make all the death threats you want, 48 00:02:32,694 --> 00:02:34,487 but you know what will keep me alive? 49 00:02:34,572 --> 00:02:36,281 The fact that you two work at the airport. 50 00:02:36,365 --> 00:02:38,616 (LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) 51 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,453 Hey, everybody! 52 00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:48,085 Here comes the almost bride. 53 00:02:48,418 --> 00:02:51,254 Did you ever see a prettier almost bride? 54 00:02:51,337 --> 00:02:54,258 I mean, you know, besides Jennifer Aniston. 55 00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:57,969 Sophie, it's only one week till the wedding, 56 00:02:58,052 --> 00:03:01,389 so this is your last chance to take a run at me. 57 00:03:02,056 --> 00:03:03,725 Now you won't be disappointed. 58 00:03:04,143 --> 00:03:08,438 I'm still very sexually active for the first five minutes. 59 00:03:11,775 --> 00:03:15,361 Oh, Earl, if I took a run at you, 60 00:03:15,445 --> 00:03:18,407 you'd go right through that wall like Wile E. Coyote. 61 00:03:22,118 --> 00:03:23,662 Hey, bridesmaids. 62 00:03:23,746 --> 00:03:25,413 BOTH: Hey, Sophie. 63 00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:28,000 Hey, Oleg. 64 00:03:28,082 --> 00:03:29,543 You got a message from your brother 65 00:03:29,627 --> 00:03:30,920 in the Ukraine. 66 00:03:31,002 --> 00:03:32,086 Yoshinko called? 67 00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:35,049 Here's his message. 68 00:03:44,557 --> 00:03:45,975 What was the message? 69 00:03:46,060 --> 00:03:48,812 "Hey, Oleg, did you see last night's Alf?" 70 00:03:50,146 --> 00:03:53,275 Nah, I don't speak Ukrainian. 71 00:03:53,359 --> 00:03:56,486 I mean, what am I? A plumber in Queens? 72 00:03:57,987 --> 00:04:00,199 No, so I brought the whole thing in. 73 00:04:00,366 --> 00:04:01,616 -Here he is. -(MACHINE BEEPS) 74 00:04:01,824 --> 00:04:03,868 YOSHINKO: Oleg... (CONTINUES IN UKRAINIAN) 75 00:04:03,953 --> 00:04:07,872 (CONTINUES IN UKRAINIAN) 76 00:04:08,873 --> 00:04:10,209 -...Goodbye. -(MACHINE BEEPS) 77 00:04:10,292 --> 00:04:13,544 (SPEAKS UKRAINIAN) 78 00:04:13,628 --> 00:04:16,382 -What did he say? -He's not coming. 79 00:04:16,464 --> 00:04:17,675 I understood a little 80 00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:19,175 because I had a Russian Au pair growing up. 81 00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:21,220 You know, until she bleached my good jeans. 82 00:04:22,553 --> 00:04:24,305 Yoshinko can't come to the wedding. 83 00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:25,641 He's on a no-fly list, 84 00:04:25,723 --> 00:04:27,643 a no-drive list, and a no-walk list. 85 00:04:29,978 --> 00:04:31,562 He's in jail. 86 00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:34,316 Oh, but he was gonna be your best man. 87 00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:36,360 I got a ham engraved for him. 88 00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:39,612 Don't worry, baby. I'll find someone. 89 00:04:39,697 --> 00:04:40,990 It could be anyone. 90 00:04:41,072 --> 00:04:43,574 He doesn't even have to be the best or even good. 91 00:04:43,826 --> 00:04:45,244 I'll have to lower my standards. 92 00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:51,709 Han, will you be my best man? 93 00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:54,961 You said lower, not sub-basement. 94 00:04:58,173 --> 00:05:00,341 Well, Oleg, I'll need to think about it. 95 00:05:01,509 --> 00:05:02,677 Yes. 96 00:05:03,553 --> 00:05:07,223 Great. So Han, you're in charge of the bachelor party tomorrow. 97 00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:10,226 I want a night that will disgrace all involved. 98 00:05:10,394 --> 00:05:12,187 A night where no one can look each other in the eye 99 00:05:12,353 --> 00:05:14,148 at brunch the next day. 100 00:05:15,940 --> 00:05:19,194 Wow, Han. Bachelor party's a big responsibility. 101 00:05:19,278 --> 00:05:21,321 Do you know any grown-ups who can buy you beer? 102 00:05:26,910 --> 00:05:27,952 Max, hurry. 103 00:05:28,036 --> 00:05:31,206 The grand opening of this pink airport dungeon 104 00:05:31,290 --> 00:05:32,415 is in a few minutes. 105 00:05:33,375 --> 00:05:35,377 That TSA line took forever. 106 00:05:35,461 --> 00:05:37,045 The woman with all those nickels? 107 00:05:37,129 --> 00:05:40,466 I haven't seen that much change on a lady since Chaz Bono. 108 00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:44,511 Don't worry, I'm making friends in the TSA. 109 00:05:44,677 --> 00:05:46,846 Judy, big gal, little beard? 110 00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:48,848 Having lunch with her 111 00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:51,435 at the Wok N' Roll near Malaysia Airlines. 112 00:05:51,935 --> 00:05:53,812 It's pretty quiet over there these days. 113 00:05:56,899 --> 00:05:58,442 Hey, ladies. 114 00:05:58,524 --> 00:06:00,360 Opening day. I'm so excited, 115 00:06:00,444 --> 00:06:03,404 my nipples have been shooting daggers since I woke up. 116 00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:05,949 Seriously, I haven't been this excited 117 00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:08,160 since my parents sent me to military school. 118 00:06:11,954 --> 00:06:14,665 God, does everything have to be fun when you're gay? 119 00:06:14,750 --> 00:06:17,377 If it isn't, you're not doing it right. 120 00:06:18,586 --> 00:06:20,505 I'm just happy I get to be out front here. 121 00:06:20,588 --> 00:06:23,257 Finally, I won't be stuffed in the back. 122 00:06:24,675 --> 00:06:26,928 I mean, unless I run into a Republican senator 123 00:06:27,012 --> 00:06:28,596 in the men's room. 124 00:06:30,848 --> 00:06:32,350 Come on, let's open up. 125 00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:35,478 But dat key though! 126 00:06:36,771 --> 00:06:38,273 I love this job. 127 00:06:39,024 --> 00:06:41,151 Wait. Should someone make a speech? 128 00:06:41,235 --> 00:06:42,485 A speech? 129 00:06:42,694 --> 00:06:44,446 If you want to hear my thoughts on opening this place, 130 00:06:44,529 --> 00:06:46,656 I'll just CC you on my suicide note. 131 00:06:47,199 --> 00:06:50,326 Fine, I'll make a speech. (INHALES DEEPLY) 132 00:06:50,786 --> 00:06:52,663 To all the school janitors 133 00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:56,500 who told me I'd never have my own giant set of keys, 134 00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:59,043 too big for any pocket, 135 00:07:00,045 --> 00:07:02,088 and that I wasn't a good kisser? 136 00:07:03,966 --> 00:07:05,509 They can all suck it. 137 00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:13,559 Yes! Rise, gate. Rise! 138 00:07:14,393 --> 00:07:16,353 Ooh, you go, gate. 139 00:07:17,187 --> 00:07:19,689 Yes, I'm drunk with power. 140 00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:22,317 Also, a little drunk. 141 00:07:24,278 --> 00:07:26,779 All right. Here they come. 142 00:07:29,408 --> 00:07:32,034 JOHN: Yep. Any minute. 143 00:07:33,911 --> 00:07:36,456 Just our luck. The one day the airport isn't crowded. 144 00:07:39,084 --> 00:07:40,711 Well, I guess I have time to go check my make-up 145 00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:41,711 in the men's room. 146 00:07:43,629 --> 00:07:44,965 (CELL PHONE VIBRATES) 147 00:07:45,798 --> 00:07:47,134 It's Han. 148 00:07:47,425 --> 00:07:50,428 He wants us to come to Oleg's bachelor party tonight. 149 00:07:50,512 --> 00:07:51,889 I've gotten a call like this before, 150 00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:53,307 but usually it's through a service 151 00:07:53,389 --> 00:07:54,891 that involves making some tassels spin 152 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:56,350 in opposite directions. 153 00:07:59,521 --> 00:08:01,355 No way. You know I was planning on going home 154 00:08:01,439 --> 00:08:02,815 and crying tonight. 155 00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:06,444 Han is planning a party. You will cry there for sure. 156 00:08:07,946 --> 00:08:09,822 That's true. I really can cry anywhere now. 157 00:08:09,906 --> 00:08:11,449 I guess I've got that at least. 158 00:08:13,785 --> 00:08:16,413 I can't believe I work at the airport, Max. 159 00:08:17,663 --> 00:08:20,959 Hey, would you feel better if you held my giant keys? 160 00:08:24,629 --> 00:08:25,755 Hello? 161 00:08:28,466 --> 00:08:30,093 Hello. 162 00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:32,386 Welcome, you're our first customer. 163 00:08:32,888 --> 00:08:34,597 Do I get a prize? 164 00:08:35,057 --> 00:08:36,350 Is it you? 165 00:08:39,311 --> 00:08:41,020 I'm on board now. I love this job. 166 00:08:46,567 --> 00:08:48,028 Welcome, everyone. 167 00:08:48,110 --> 00:08:50,404 I'm your MC, Han Lee. 168 00:08:50,489 --> 00:08:52,240 Gonna get the crazy party started here, 169 00:08:52,323 --> 00:08:54,533 with some dirty, racy jokes. 170 00:08:55,451 --> 00:08:57,955 This is the deadest place I've ever been to, 171 00:08:58,038 --> 00:09:00,164 and I once woke up in Heaven. 172 00:09:01,792 --> 00:09:03,043 Okay, here we go. 173 00:09:04,461 --> 00:09:07,464 "What do a Rubik's Cube and a penis have in common? 174 00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:11,384 The more you play with it, the harder it gets." 175 00:09:14,388 --> 00:09:17,557 A Rubik's Cube was a popular '80s toy. 176 00:09:19,183 --> 00:09:21,602 You suck! Next act! 177 00:09:24,188 --> 00:09:27,484 "What do a walrus and a Tupperware have in common?" 178 00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:32,029 Hold on a minute. Uh, something about a seal being tight. 179 00:09:34,533 --> 00:09:36,909 -(CELL PHONE DINGS) -(GASPS) 180 00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:40,330 Ooh! I just got a text from Josh, the pilot. 181 00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:43,582 He says, "What's up, you?" Isn't that cute? 182 00:09:43,667 --> 00:09:46,294 Cute that he forgot your name? 183 00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:51,216 It's really been a long time for you, hasn't it? 184 00:09:52,384 --> 00:09:55,220 I took off my underwear last week and a coyote howled. 185 00:09:57,889 --> 00:09:58,932 Tough crowd. 186 00:09:59,015 --> 00:10:01,183 I'm talking about you, Max. 187 00:10:02,394 --> 00:10:05,187 Oh, come on, Han. Loosen up. Have a drink. 188 00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:08,442 A martini, an appletini, anything teeny. 189 00:10:10,693 --> 00:10:12,863 Nah, just do a vodka shot. If nothing else, 190 00:10:13,196 --> 00:10:14,822 the glass will look normal-sized in your hand 191 00:10:14,905 --> 00:10:16,408 and I'll have a laugh. 192 00:10:18,368 --> 00:10:19,952 Can't hurt. 193 00:10:21,163 --> 00:10:22,621 (RASPY VOICE) But it did. 194 00:10:24,081 --> 00:10:27,168 Thanks for the party, Han. What time is it starting? 195 00:10:28,836 --> 00:10:31,798 I've never been a best man. It's a lot of pressure. 196 00:10:33,091 --> 00:10:34,967 Yeah, being a man would be hard for you. 197 00:10:35,052 --> 00:10:36,677 You've never been one before. 198 00:10:38,013 --> 00:10:39,514 Let alone the best one. 199 00:10:45,062 --> 00:10:47,147 What's in that, ground glass? 200 00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:53,945 This party is worse than the communist party. 201 00:10:54,111 --> 00:10:55,822 And they killed half my family. 202 00:10:58,450 --> 00:11:01,077 Oleg, don't worry. I'll get this party started. 203 00:11:01,370 --> 00:11:03,455 I'm making a call to some girls I went to school with. 204 00:11:03,871 --> 00:11:05,874 The Slut Academy on Seventh. 205 00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,460 Commonly known as NYU. 206 00:11:10,586 --> 00:11:12,172 I'm more concerned about my cousin. 207 00:11:12,254 --> 00:11:14,091 He has something I need. 208 00:11:14,383 --> 00:11:17,385 Soap? Deodorant? The toughest acting Tinactin? 209 00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:19,638 -MAN: Cousin! -Oh! 210 00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:22,765 -There he is! -Hey, hey. 211 00:11:24,975 --> 00:11:27,395 Well, he didn't bring the deodorant. 212 00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:31,774 -Yuri, you made it! (GRUNTS) -Are you the stripper? 213 00:11:32,984 --> 00:11:34,985 Probably in a few years. 214 00:11:36,153 --> 00:11:37,447 Did you bring the papers? 215 00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,282 The papers I need to get married? 216 00:11:39,448 --> 00:11:41,409 And those little Ukrainian candies I love? 217 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:42,786 Bad news. 218 00:11:42,994 --> 00:11:45,080 The guy who made the fake papers got deported. 219 00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:47,832 They took the papers. I ate the candy. 220 00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:52,003 What'd I miss? Besides my chance to become something? 221 00:11:52,796 --> 00:11:54,673 Are you the stripper? 222 00:11:55,256 --> 00:11:56,674 Nyet. 223 00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,761 A compliment and an insult in just one word. 224 00:12:02,596 --> 00:12:04,265 Oh, no. 225 00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:06,851 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 226 00:12:06,934 --> 00:12:08,727 Did I mention "no"? 227 00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,398 How can you say the word "no," 228 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,984 but not understand it when women say it? 229 00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:16,570 This is a disaster. 230 00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:18,488 And not the kind where I can loot. 231 00:12:19,822 --> 00:12:22,908 I needed those fake papers to renew my fake green card. 232 00:12:22,993 --> 00:12:24,995 Mine expires next month. 233 00:12:25,077 --> 00:12:27,413 Since when do you care about expiration dates? 234 00:12:27,496 --> 00:12:29,875 You cook with eggs so old, they fight back. 235 00:12:31,168 --> 00:12:33,544 Sophie will never believe that I'm not marrying her 236 00:12:33,628 --> 00:12:35,129 just for a green card. 237 00:12:35,212 --> 00:12:36,881 She has major trust issues 238 00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:39,176 since one day, her father went out for pierogies 239 00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:42,386 and came back without pierogies. 240 00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:48,100 (POP MUSIC PLAYS) 241 00:12:49,727 --> 00:12:51,520 I'm really enjoying the dance stylings 242 00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:53,315 of Camel and Toe up there. 243 00:12:55,107 --> 00:12:57,818 Everyone is having fun except Oleg. 244 00:12:57,985 --> 00:13:00,614 I haven't seen him put the V fingers in front of his mouth 245 00:13:00,697 --> 00:13:02,740 at any of these ladies. 246 00:13:03,991 --> 00:13:05,576 Ooh! Wouldn't mind some 247 00:13:05,659 --> 00:13:07,203 over the sweater action with her. 248 00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:12,333 Hers or yours? 249 00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:20,341 Max, I just did something I've never done. 250 00:13:20,424 --> 00:13:22,177 Told a story about someone else? 251 00:13:24,428 --> 00:13:27,139 No, I sent the pilot a boob pic. 252 00:13:27,224 --> 00:13:28,600 (GASPS) 253 00:13:28,682 --> 00:13:30,601 Girl, you nasty. 254 00:13:31,727 --> 00:13:34,272 I know. I am nasty! 255 00:13:34,648 --> 00:13:37,650 I just looked into the camera with my boobs out and hit send. 256 00:13:38,192 --> 00:13:40,110 (LAUGHS) That's awesome. 257 00:13:40,195 --> 00:13:41,947 Uh, circling back now, 258 00:13:42,864 --> 00:13:44,908 did you say you looked into the camera? 259 00:13:45,115 --> 00:13:46,701 You didn't put your face in it, did you? 260 00:13:47,826 --> 00:13:50,163 Girl! You stupid. 261 00:13:52,039 --> 00:13:54,042 How else would he know it was me? 262 00:13:54,125 --> 00:13:56,086 You never put your face in it. 263 00:13:56,253 --> 00:13:57,962 Didn't I raise you better than this? 264 00:13:59,838 --> 00:14:01,591 Well, at least you weren't smiling in it. 265 00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:07,972 All right, what kind of smile? A flirty smirk could work. 266 00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:10,725 A come-hither grin would be great. 267 00:14:10,808 --> 00:14:12,769 More like... 268 00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:19,985 So you were in this... 269 00:14:22,153 --> 00:14:24,114 pose with your yabbos out? 270 00:14:26,865 --> 00:14:29,411 So you basically did a nude yogurt ad. 271 00:14:31,996 --> 00:14:34,540 Yeah, but like yogurt you want to have sex with, right? 272 00:14:38,253 --> 00:14:39,962 Oh, my God. 273 00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:42,048 Sophie will be here any minute. 274 00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:44,174 When I called, she was washing her hair. 275 00:14:44,259 --> 00:14:47,095 She was going to put it back on her head and come. 276 00:14:48,304 --> 00:14:51,682 Just be honest with her. Sometimes the truth is ugly. 277 00:14:51,765 --> 00:14:53,643 But she knows that. She's seen you naked. 278 00:14:55,102 --> 00:14:58,480 Well, still no text back, so apparently not as ugly as this. 279 00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:03,570 What's that about? Are you selling real estate now? 280 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,116 (SOPHIE CHUCKLES) 281 00:15:09,618 --> 00:15:13,288 Oh... wow! 282 00:15:14,246 --> 00:15:17,082 I mean, this party couldn't get any sleazier 283 00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:19,210 unless you invited Robin Thicke. 284 00:15:20,961 --> 00:15:25,341 I'm looking up at skanky whore city, but I trust you, Oleg. 285 00:15:26,216 --> 00:15:29,011 -You do? -Yeah, why wouldn't I? 286 00:15:29,428 --> 00:15:31,722 Aside from my complicated past 287 00:15:31,806 --> 00:15:33,475 full of men that have lied to me. 288 00:15:35,684 --> 00:15:39,022 But you and I don't have secrets from each other, right, Oleg? 289 00:15:39,105 --> 00:15:40,523 Yeah, well, you see-- 290 00:15:40,606 --> 00:15:43,902 It is time for the traditional best man speech. 291 00:15:44,152 --> 00:15:46,654 So listen up, bitches. 292 00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:53,995 Ow, damn it. 293 00:15:57,331 --> 00:15:59,084 I am bleeding. 294 00:16:00,710 --> 00:16:02,711 Repeat, I am bleeding. 295 00:16:03,504 --> 00:16:04,880 I can't believe this. 296 00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:06,716 There's an app that burps when you shake your phone, 297 00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:09,094 but no app that un-sends a boob pic? 298 00:16:10,302 --> 00:16:11,929 (CLEARS THROAT) 299 00:16:12,013 --> 00:16:14,182 Sophie. Oleg. 300 00:16:14,264 --> 00:16:16,643 What's there to say about these two kids? 301 00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:19,354 Oleg is a bad cook. 302 00:16:19,687 --> 00:16:21,690 Sophie, quite loud. 303 00:16:22,399 --> 00:16:26,110 But somehow, when they get together, magic. 304 00:16:26,193 --> 00:16:28,321 You suck, next act! 305 00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:31,990 Says the lady that works at the airport. 306 00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:36,955 And, Oleg, I'm so glad Sophie is marrying you 307 00:16:37,121 --> 00:16:38,956 so now you can stay in the country. 308 00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:40,959 MAX: Oh, no. Uh... 309 00:16:41,042 --> 00:16:43,419 You suck, next act. 310 00:16:44,796 --> 00:16:47,423 Yeah, I hear you, girl. 311 00:16:47,590 --> 00:16:50,092 I mean, that last joke didn't even have a punch line. 312 00:16:50,884 --> 00:16:53,596 Yeah, I mean, it was sort of sad. 313 00:16:55,724 --> 00:16:58,434 It was no joke. This is serious. 314 00:16:58,518 --> 00:16:59,436 It's really serious. 315 00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:01,062 That boob pic is up in the Cloud now. 316 00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:02,522 My boob is in the Cloud, y'all. 317 00:17:06,901 --> 00:17:09,863 Sophie, I didn't know how to tell you. 318 00:17:11,239 --> 00:17:13,907 You wanted to marry me for a green card? 319 00:17:15,743 --> 00:17:18,997 See, I thought you were marrying me for my bod. 320 00:17:19,247 --> 00:17:23,460 Or for my connections at The Container Store, or... 321 00:17:24,626 --> 00:17:28,464 I mean, I taught you how to read! 322 00:17:29,758 --> 00:17:33,177 -Sophie, I can explain. -No, no, no. The wedding's off. 323 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,137 Oh, no. 324 00:17:35,305 --> 00:17:37,973 What the hell am I going to do with all those pigeons 325 00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:40,477 that I had painted wedding white? 326 00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:44,230 -Sophie, wait. -(HISSING) 327 00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:58,076 Oh, well, look who it is. 328 00:17:58,161 --> 00:18:00,413 My dearly deported. 329 00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:05,042 I worked on that the whole way over. 330 00:18:06,376 --> 00:18:09,130 Sophie, I'm not gonna be deported. 331 00:18:09,338 --> 00:18:11,799 I'm gonna marry someone so I can stay in this country 332 00:18:11,883 --> 00:18:13,468 and win you back. 333 00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:15,804 I don't care who my new bride is. 334 00:18:20,141 --> 00:18:22,644 Just upfront, it can't be me. 335 00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:25,395 Because everybody knows I'm married to my work. 336 00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:31,193 And it can't be me. 337 00:18:31,443 --> 00:18:33,070 It just can't. 338 00:18:33,947 --> 00:18:37,032 They don't even have to be the best or even good. 339 00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,117 Standards are out the window. 340 00:18:43,455 --> 00:18:45,791 Look, it's a California Raisin. 341 00:18:49,753 --> 00:18:52,257 Ooh! Sunglasses and Advil. 342 00:18:52,339 --> 00:18:54,259 Last night was mad real. 343 00:18:55,676 --> 00:18:58,887 Han, will you marry me so I can stay in the country? 344 00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:02,808 I'll need to think about it. Yes. 345 00:19:05,394 --> 00:19:08,355 Apparently the only thing he won't say yes to is health care. 346 00:19:09,691 --> 00:19:12,609 Oleg, I don't believe you. 347 00:19:12,693 --> 00:19:14,153 This is just another trick 348 00:19:14,237 --> 00:19:16,364 to get me to do what you want me to do. 349 00:19:16,990 --> 00:19:20,535 Like when you kept "dropping" your ice cream into your lap. 350 00:19:22,871 --> 00:19:23,829 No trick. 351 00:19:24,288 --> 00:19:27,834 Sometimes love makes you do crazy, disgusting things. 352 00:19:27,916 --> 00:19:30,795 Like this. Come here, Han. 353 00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:38,927 And now, I love this job, too! 354 00:19:41,638 --> 00:19:43,766 Thank God he picked Han. 355 00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,689 Wow, Sophie. Oleg must really love you. 356 00:19:49,771 --> 00:19:51,857 That had to be hard for him. 357 00:19:52,232 --> 00:19:55,737 And from what I can see, a little hard for Han, too. 358 00:19:59,656 --> 00:20:02,785 At our wedding, maybe two pumps of breath spray. 359 00:20:04,202 --> 00:20:07,248 Han, you're not marrying Oleg. 360 00:20:08,165 --> 00:20:10,542 Because Oleg's marrying me. 361 00:20:13,712 --> 00:20:15,464 I believe you now. 362 00:20:16,257 --> 00:20:17,967 Because you kissed Han 363 00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:20,470 and Asian girls aren't even your thing. 364 00:20:26,893 --> 00:20:28,185 (CELL PHONE DINGS) 365 00:20:28,894 --> 00:20:31,897 Oh, my God, Max. It's my boob pic. 366 00:20:32,065 --> 00:20:33,900 Someone made it into a meme. 367 00:20:35,817 --> 00:20:37,487 A mammo meme? 368 00:20:39,154 --> 00:20:41,240 You're not supposed to need those till you're 40. 369 00:20:42,825 --> 00:20:46,078 My boob pic is gonna be hanging over me for the rest of my life. 370 00:20:46,162 --> 00:20:49,332 Oh, come on, your boob couldn't hang over a pencil. 371 00:20:53,502 --> 00:20:55,171 (CASH REGISTER RINGS) 372 00:20:56,130 --> 00:20:59,174 (THEME MUSIC PLAYS) 373 00:21:18,152 --> 00:21:20,153 (English - US - SDH)