1
00:00:02,567 --> 00:00:06,267
I just got a $20 tip
on a $10 check.

2
00:00:06,310 --> 00:00:08,182
I may be the greatest
waitress ever,

3
00:00:08,225 --> 00:00:12,012
and strangely, that doesn't
make me want to die.

4
00:00:12,055 --> 00:00:15,711
You're finally getting the hang
of a job you've had for years.

5
00:00:15,754 --> 00:00:19,019
Is your last name Obama?

6
00:00:19,062 --> 00:00:21,847
[gasps]
Another big tip.

7
00:00:21,891 --> 00:00:24,024
I think it's my smile.

8
00:00:29,203 --> 00:00:31,814
Well, something's smiling.

9
00:00:31,857 --> 00:00:32,815
[bell dings]

10
00:00:32,858 --> 00:00:34,338
Pickup.
Patty melt.

11
00:00:34,382 --> 00:00:37,689
Correction: panty melt.

12
00:00:37,733 --> 00:00:39,778
- Caroline, you have...
- What, Max?

13
00:00:39,822 --> 00:00:40,953
Pride in a job well done?

14
00:00:40,997 --> 00:00:43,565
Yes, some of us
can still feel pride.

15
00:00:43,608 --> 00:00:47,308
Yeah, but only for about
another ten seconds.

16
00:00:48,700 --> 00:00:49,658
Caroline.

17
00:00:49,701 --> 00:00:50,659
Ooh!

18
00:00:50,702 --> 00:00:52,356
Oh...oh, no.

19
00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:53,836
Oh, no.

20
00:00:53,879 --> 00:00:58,362
This reminds me of when I saw
my mother's side boob.

21
00:00:58,406 --> 00:01:00,625
Max, you have to say something.

22
00:01:00,669 --> 00:01:01,974
Um, Caroline?

23
00:01:02,018 --> 00:01:03,193
Hey, look!

24
00:01:03,237 --> 00:01:04,455
I just got a $10 tip
from this guy,

25
00:01:04,498 --> 00:01:07,719
and I spilled coffee
on his face.

26
00:01:07,763 --> 00:01:09,025
Screw it.

27
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:12,420
I'm taking the ass train
to Money Town.

28
00:01:12,463 --> 00:01:14,639
Oh, nope.
Not wearing underwear.

29
00:01:17,642 --> 00:01:19,862
[Peter Bjorn and John]
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

30
00:01:19,905 --> 00:01:21,211
[cash register bell dings]

31
00:01:21,255 --> 00:01:25,259
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

32
00:01:31,178 --> 00:01:33,136
I know it's technically good
to have a big order,

33
00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:34,877
but I am five cupcakes away

34
00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:38,446
from what professional doctors
call T.Rex arm.

35
00:01:38,489 --> 00:01:41,405
Like you always tell me--
use your other hand.

36
00:01:41,449 --> 00:01:44,146
It'll feel like a stranger.

37
00:01:44,191 --> 00:01:46,932
And how about our
new business labels

38
00:01:46,976 --> 00:01:51,633
and my ability to be excited
about literally anything?

39
00:01:51,676 --> 00:01:53,548
I got them with the money
you were saving

40
00:01:53,591 --> 00:01:56,072
for that Porky Pig bong.

41
00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:58,509
But when
it's down to just resin,

42
00:01:58,553 --> 00:02:00,946
it says,
"That's all, folks."

43
00:02:00,990 --> 00:02:03,688
I'll pay you back
as soon as we get the money

44
00:02:03,732 --> 00:02:06,169
for this big order for...L?

45
00:02:06,213 --> 00:02:08,911
Max, someone named L
ordered these cupcakes?

46
00:02:08,954 --> 00:02:11,043
Oh, that's not an L;
that's an I.

47
00:02:11,087 --> 00:02:14,438
Sorry, I learned printing
mostly from ransom notes.

48
00:02:14,482 --> 00:02:15,961
I?

49
00:02:16,005 --> 00:02:19,661
I mean, what kind of person
would just be named I?

50
00:02:19,704 --> 00:02:21,750
This kind.

51
00:02:21,793 --> 00:02:24,013
Hello.
That's my order.

52
00:02:25,449 --> 00:02:29,279
Yes, they're just about
ready, mis...ter...

53
00:02:29,323 --> 00:02:31,586
I'll spare you the stress
and confusion, dear,

54
00:02:31,629 --> 00:02:33,718
because I can tell
by the size of your pores,

55
00:02:33,762 --> 00:02:37,505
you're a sweater.

56
00:02:37,548 --> 00:02:39,811
She is.

57
00:02:39,855 --> 00:02:41,073
Sometimes
she gets so nervous

58
00:02:41,117 --> 00:02:42,814
watching "America's
Next Top Model,"

59
00:02:42,858 --> 00:02:45,687
our couch
is slick for days.

60
00:02:45,730 --> 00:02:50,170
Spoiler alert: none of them
are America's next top model.

61
00:02:50,213 --> 00:02:53,042
To be clear,
I am neither he nor she,

62
00:02:53,085 --> 00:02:56,305
Mr. nor Mrs.,
male nor female,

63
00:02:56,350 --> 00:02:58,221
and the only part of me
that's transitioning

64
00:02:58,265 --> 00:03:01,355
are my heels
from day to evening.

65
00:03:01,398 --> 00:03:05,968
I am simply I,
and I cannot be labeled.

66
00:03:06,011 --> 00:03:08,666
I am gender fluid.

67
00:03:08,710 --> 00:03:10,102
That's cool.

68
00:03:10,146 --> 00:03:14,106
As long as none of it
gets on us.

69
00:03:14,150 --> 00:03:16,326
Is my order ready,
or do I have to wade through

70
00:03:16,370 --> 00:03:19,460
more of this poor man's
Amy and Tina?

71
00:03:19,503 --> 00:03:23,028
I like to think of us
more as an Ike and Tina.

72
00:03:23,072 --> 00:03:24,726
I'm just finishing
boxing them up for you.

73
00:03:24,769 --> 00:03:27,032
It's okay for cupcakes to
still be put in a box, right?

74
00:03:27,076 --> 00:03:29,861
Just not people.

75
00:03:29,905 --> 00:03:32,908
I'm using your cupcakes
in some performance art.

76
00:03:32,951 --> 00:03:35,215
See, I is a performance artist
this month.

77
00:03:35,258 --> 00:03:38,261
Last month, I was working
at the Cold Stone Creamery

78
00:03:38,305 --> 00:03:40,263
on 8th Street.

79
00:03:40,307 --> 00:03:44,049
Well,
I've had sex there.

80
00:03:44,093 --> 00:03:46,356
Yes, well, who hasn't?

81
00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:49,228
The audience will bite into
one of your pretty, pink,

82
00:03:49,272 --> 00:03:52,362
femme-looking cupcakes,
only to discover

83
00:03:52,406 --> 00:03:56,366
that I have inserted
a cocktail weenie inside.

84
00:03:56,410 --> 00:04:00,109
But who wants to be surprised
by a little weenie?

85
00:04:04,069 --> 00:04:05,332
I don't mind it.

86
00:04:07,072 --> 00:04:09,249
It's an interactive experiment
that challenges

87
00:04:09,292 --> 00:04:11,555
how we instinctively
label one another.

88
00:04:11,599 --> 00:04:14,254
But I don't have to explain
my performance piece to you.

89
00:04:14,297 --> 00:04:17,300
You're not my advisor
at The New School.

90
00:04:17,344 --> 00:04:18,387
Forgive me.

91
00:04:18,432 --> 00:04:20,390
I wasn't criticizing
your piece.

92
00:04:20,434 --> 00:04:24,089
Yeah, we're still not even
sure if you have one.

93
00:04:25,439 --> 00:04:27,310
Can you excuse us
for a minute?

94
00:04:27,354 --> 00:04:29,007
And by the way,
the fuchsia in your blouse

95
00:04:29,051 --> 00:04:32,968
really brings out
the red in your beard.

96
00:04:33,011 --> 00:04:35,275
People are gonna see
our adorable labels

97
00:04:35,318 --> 00:04:38,930
and think all our cupcakes
are stuffed with wieners.

98
00:04:38,974 --> 00:04:40,671
Would it kill you
to have a wiener

99
00:04:40,715 --> 00:04:44,022
stuffed in your cupcake?

100
00:04:44,066 --> 00:04:46,503
Look, someone
is paying for them,

101
00:04:46,547 --> 00:04:47,678
and that someone can do

102
00:04:47,722 --> 00:04:49,289
whatever the hell
they want with them.

103
00:04:49,332 --> 00:04:50,594
I said the same thing
to the people

104
00:04:50,638 --> 00:04:53,249
who bought my kids.

105
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:55,338
We don't want someone
to deface our cupcakes.

106
00:04:55,382 --> 00:04:57,122
They're meant to be
enjoyed by children

107
00:04:57,166 --> 00:04:58,950
or single women
when a romantic comedy

108
00:04:58,994 --> 00:05:01,344
hits too close to home.

109
00:05:01,388 --> 00:05:03,303
Money is money.
It doesn't matter.

110
00:05:03,346 --> 00:05:04,956
Just put the cupcakes
in the bag.

111
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,175
I don't feel good about this.

112
00:05:06,218 --> 00:05:07,959
Sorry, but we're
just not comfortable

113
00:05:08,003 --> 00:05:09,134
selling you our cupcakes.

114
00:05:09,178 --> 00:05:12,094
He is right here.
Bag it!

115
00:05:12,137 --> 00:05:15,271
What did you just call me?

116
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:16,968
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no.

117
00:05:17,012 --> 00:05:18,361
No, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

118
00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:20,276
I did not say the thing
you thought I said.

119
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,930
I didn't even think it.

120
00:05:21,973 --> 00:05:25,150
In fact, I wasn't listening
to half that crap you said.

121
00:05:25,194 --> 00:05:28,066
She said, "bag it,"
with a B, as in boy--

122
00:05:28,110 --> 00:05:29,590
or not a boy.

123
00:05:29,633 --> 00:05:31,983
Oh, I see what this is.

124
00:05:32,027 --> 00:05:34,203
This is just another
homophobic bakery

125
00:05:34,246 --> 00:05:37,162
trying to deny service
to people like me.

126
00:05:37,206 --> 00:05:39,034
Well, I don't
have to stand here

127
00:05:39,077 --> 00:05:40,905
to tell you how upset I am.

128
00:05:40,949 --> 00:05:43,995
That's what Yelp is for.

129
00:05:46,389 --> 00:05:47,477
Oh, no.

130
00:05:47,521 --> 00:05:50,567
I think Kathy Bates
is really mad at us.

131
00:05:52,047 --> 00:05:53,353
Well, that sucks.

132
00:05:53,396 --> 00:05:57,095
Now I want a hot dog.

133
00:05:57,139 --> 00:06:00,098
[upbeat rock music]

134
00:06:00,142 --> 00:06:01,448
♪

135
00:06:01,491 --> 00:06:03,972
Where are
all the customers?

136
00:06:04,015 --> 00:06:05,626
I haven't seen
this few people since...

137
00:06:05,669 --> 00:06:08,150
You went on Tinder?

138
00:06:08,193 --> 00:06:10,674
Your sweet 16 party?

139
00:06:10,718 --> 00:06:11,849
Caroline,
throw one in there.

140
00:06:11,893 --> 00:06:14,591
Your season of
"The Bachelor"?

141
00:06:14,635 --> 00:06:16,288
I was going to say

142
00:06:16,332 --> 00:06:19,857
so few people since a sale
at your cupcake window.

143
00:06:19,901 --> 00:06:23,165
Boom!
I just schooled you.

144
00:06:23,207 --> 00:06:27,125
Well, preschooled us.

145
00:06:27,169 --> 00:06:28,388
Hey, everybody.

146
00:06:31,913 --> 00:06:33,131
Oh, my gosh.

147
00:06:33,175 --> 00:06:36,004
You girls,
I raced over here so fast,

148
00:06:36,047 --> 00:06:39,834
I left half my hair
in Midtown.

149
00:06:39,877 --> 00:06:41,444
Love the babushka, baby.

150
00:06:41,488 --> 00:06:44,186
Reminds me of
my Aunt Schmirna.

151
00:06:44,229 --> 00:06:47,189
Great boobs:
one big, one small.

152
00:06:47,232 --> 00:06:50,235
Something for everyone.

153
00:06:50,279 --> 00:06:54,196
Yeah, the gays,
they're real mad at you.

154
00:06:54,239 --> 00:06:57,373
Yeah, my stylist, Carl,
told me about two girls

155
00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:59,680
with a cupcake shop
in Brooklyn

156
00:06:59,723 --> 00:07:04,902
who didn't want to serve
a member of the LGBTQ community.

157
00:07:04,946 --> 00:07:06,426
LGBTQ?

158
00:07:06,469 --> 00:07:10,604
Those are the trains
I take to get here.

159
00:07:10,647 --> 00:07:12,910
Oh, my God.
Max, this is terrible.

160
00:07:12,954 --> 00:07:14,085
I know.

161
00:07:14,129 --> 00:07:17,480
Earl only lives
a block away.

162
00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:20,222
Why is he taking
five trains?

163
00:07:20,265 --> 00:07:23,399
The gays are steaming mad.

164
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,270
You know,
if I were you girls,

165
00:07:25,314 --> 00:07:27,707
I would stay away
from the Village,

166
00:07:27,751 --> 00:07:30,885
the East River,
the Hudson River,

167
00:07:30,928 --> 00:07:33,104
Melissa Rivers,

168
00:07:33,148 --> 00:07:35,150
Pinkberry,

169
00:07:35,193 --> 00:07:36,586
Broadway.

170
00:07:36,630 --> 00:07:40,590
Yeah, and good luck
shopping for dog clothes.

171
00:07:40,634 --> 00:07:43,767
Come on, Sophie.
It's not that bad.

172
00:07:43,811 --> 00:07:45,421
Not that bad?

173
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,205
If it wasn't that bad,
would I have left the salon

174
00:07:47,249 --> 00:07:49,381
looking like this?

175
00:07:49,425 --> 00:07:52,036
[gasps]

176
00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:53,168
Oh, my God.

177
00:07:53,211 --> 00:07:54,299
They sent you out
like that?

178
00:07:54,343 --> 00:07:55,431
They do hate us!

179
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:57,781
I know.
Tell me about it.

180
00:07:57,825 --> 00:07:59,261
I look like Donald Trump

181
00:07:59,304 --> 00:08:03,178
before they Velcroed
that dead cat to his head.

182
00:08:08,836 --> 00:08:11,882
A classic good news/
bad news situation.

183
00:08:11,926 --> 00:08:14,972
Good news: I figured out
where all the customers are.

184
00:08:15,016 --> 00:08:18,976
Bad news: they're aggressively
protesting your cupcake shop.

185
00:08:19,020 --> 00:08:21,805
[screams]

186
00:08:21,849 --> 00:08:25,896
You went to Supercuts,
didn't you?

187
00:08:25,940 --> 00:08:27,724
I hope you're happy,
girls.

188
00:08:27,768 --> 00:08:31,511
Now even Han thinks
he's better than me.

189
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,123
[all, chanting]
No cake equals hate.

190
00:08:35,165 --> 00:08:37,168
No cake
equals hate.

191
00:08:37,212 --> 00:08:38,429
No cake equals hate.

192
00:08:38,474 --> 00:08:40,345
No cake
equals hate.

193
00:08:40,389 --> 00:08:42,565
Okay,
this is bad.

194
00:08:42,609 --> 00:08:44,436
I haven't seen this many
angry gay people

195
00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:48,179
since that NBC "Peter Pan."

196
00:08:48,223 --> 00:08:49,659
There they are.

197
00:08:49,703 --> 00:08:52,532
That's the one that refused
to sell me cupcakes.

198
00:08:52,575 --> 00:08:53,402
Oh!

199
00:08:53,445 --> 00:08:55,360
Hey, all right,
come on now.

200
00:08:55,404 --> 00:08:56,840
The one with
the bee-stung lips,

201
00:08:56,884 --> 00:09:00,452
or the one with
the unfortunate side bang?

202
00:09:00,496 --> 00:09:02,324
This is just
a misunderstanding.

203
00:09:02,367 --> 00:09:04,500
Max's Homemade Cupcakes
is pro-gay.

204
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:07,242
- I love gay people.
- She does.

205
00:09:07,285 --> 00:09:11,333
She's pretty much
dated them exclusively.

206
00:09:11,376 --> 00:09:15,467
This little business
is our dream.

207
00:09:15,511 --> 00:09:19,863
♪ I dreamed a dream

208
00:09:19,907 --> 00:09:23,388
♪ In time gone by

209
00:09:23,432 --> 00:09:28,611
♪ When hope was high
and life worth living ♪

210
00:09:28,655 --> 00:09:33,616
♪ I dreamed that love
would never die ♪

211
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,359
Wrong dream, blondie.

212
00:09:37,402 --> 00:09:39,361
[chanting]
No cake equals hate.

213
00:09:39,404 --> 00:09:40,928
No cake
equals hate.

214
00:09:44,105 --> 00:09:45,062
[chanting]
No cake equals hate.

215
00:09:45,106 --> 00:09:46,716
No cake
equals hate.

216
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,457
No cake equals hate.

217
00:09:48,500 --> 00:09:50,459
- No cake equals hate.
- I've called every one

218
00:09:50,502 --> 00:09:52,940
of my exes to come down
and vouch for me,

219
00:09:52,983 --> 00:09:54,681
and they're freezing me out.

220
00:09:54,724 --> 00:09:57,031
It's like I'm asking them
for sex again or something.

221
00:09:57,074 --> 00:09:59,033
I was sure this would
clear up on its own,

222
00:09:59,076 --> 00:10:00,382
but I always think that

223
00:10:00,425 --> 00:10:02,993
because I can't afford
penicillin.

224
00:10:04,473 --> 00:10:06,127
The diner's still empty.

225
00:10:06,170 --> 00:10:08,042
Did you two get bored
killing your own business

226
00:10:08,085 --> 00:10:10,871
and decide to go after mine?

227
00:10:10,914 --> 00:10:13,003
I can say,
on behalf of all women,

228
00:10:13,047 --> 00:10:16,964
none of us are ever
going after your business.

229
00:10:17,007 --> 00:10:18,922
Apparently you've never
met Martha,

230
00:10:18,966 --> 00:10:22,099
the portly cashier
at my neighborhood Rite Aid.

231
00:10:22,143 --> 00:10:24,624
I'm gonna go talk to them,
set them straight.

232
00:10:24,667 --> 00:10:27,888
Well, as much as I can,
given the circumstances.

233
00:10:30,020 --> 00:10:32,414
[chanting continues]

234
00:10:32,457 --> 00:10:34,982
We have been trapped in here
for two days.

235
00:10:35,025 --> 00:10:37,506
It's like we're in
Gaytanamo Bay.

236
00:10:39,377 --> 00:10:42,337
I'm gonna open this window
and tell them to screw off.

237
00:10:42,380 --> 00:10:43,468
Free speech.

238
00:10:43,512 --> 00:10:46,733
Your feelings got hurt.
Too bad, so sad.

239
00:10:46,776 --> 00:10:48,473
[gasps]

240
00:10:48,517 --> 00:10:51,476
Oh...my God.

241
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:53,783
You should have sold him
the damn cupcakes.

242
00:10:53,827 --> 00:10:56,307
I'm Cher, bitch.

243
00:10:59,789 --> 00:11:01,399
What happened?

244
00:11:01,443 --> 00:11:05,099
Cher hates us too.

245
00:11:05,142 --> 00:11:06,753
We must be wrong.

246
00:11:06,796 --> 00:11:08,058
That's not the Cher, Max.

247
00:11:08,102 --> 00:11:10,147
It's a Cher impersonator.

248
00:11:10,191 --> 00:11:14,761
Then why do I have chills?

249
00:11:14,804 --> 00:11:16,110
I love Cher.

250
00:11:16,153 --> 00:11:18,286
I used to imagine
she was my real mom

251
00:11:18,329 --> 00:11:19,679
and that one day
she'd pick me up

252
00:11:19,722 --> 00:11:21,289
and take me away with her,

253
00:11:21,332 --> 00:11:23,944
and then we'd get matching
see-through body stockings

254
00:11:23,987 --> 00:11:27,077
like normal
mothers and daughters.

255
00:11:27,121 --> 00:11:30,080
Aw, that's so disturbing.

256
00:11:30,124 --> 00:11:31,821
Max, we did nothing wrong.

257
00:11:31,865 --> 00:11:33,127
You can't just back down

258
00:11:33,170 --> 00:11:36,043
because of some
female impersonator.

259
00:11:37,871 --> 00:11:40,482
Now you're blonde.

260
00:11:42,658 --> 00:11:46,053
Look, Cher,
we did nothing wrong.

261
00:11:46,096 --> 00:11:47,924
Hey, look.
I want a cupcake,

262
00:11:47,968 --> 00:11:49,621
and nobody--
and I mean nobody--

263
00:11:49,665 --> 00:11:52,015
is gonna rain on my parade.

264
00:11:52,059 --> 00:11:53,190
[I]
Attention, everyone.

265
00:11:53,234 --> 00:11:56,193
Attention, everyone.

266
00:11:56,237 --> 00:11:59,327
This is the owner
of the diner next door,

267
00:11:59,370 --> 00:12:00,981
and he has something to say,

268
00:12:01,024 --> 00:12:04,898
so let's listen
to our gay comrade.

269
00:12:04,941 --> 00:12:07,204
Oh, I'm not gay.

270
00:12:07,248 --> 00:12:10,904
Well, that explains
the sweater vest.

271
00:12:10,947 --> 00:12:13,428
Yep, I'm straight.
Love the ladies.

272
00:12:13,471 --> 00:12:16,431
I'm a bit of
a chick magnet.

273
00:12:16,474 --> 00:12:20,087
You're barely the size
of a refrigerator magnet.

274
00:12:20,957 --> 00:12:22,089
There.

275
00:12:22,132 --> 00:12:24,221
Another insensitive remark,

276
00:12:24,265 --> 00:12:28,095
this time about
the little people community,

277
00:12:28,138 --> 00:12:31,228
just like my friend here.

278
00:12:31,272 --> 00:12:34,144
Oh, I'm not
a little person.

279
00:12:34,188 --> 00:12:35,667
Max, do not say anything.

280
00:12:35,711 --> 00:12:36,756
Fine.

281
00:12:36,799 --> 00:12:38,366
But this used to be
America,

282
00:12:38,409 --> 00:12:41,891
home of the free
and land of the insult.

283
00:12:41,935 --> 00:12:44,067
Everyone, maybe I can
clear this up.

284
00:12:44,111 --> 00:12:48,202
That woman over there
doesn't hate gay people.

285
00:12:48,245 --> 00:12:49,986
- She hates all people.
- Yeah.

286
00:12:50,030 --> 00:12:51,988
[crowd booing]

287
00:12:52,032 --> 00:12:54,730
[chanting]
No cake equals hate.

288
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:57,820
Sophie, what are you doing?

289
00:12:57,864 --> 00:13:00,127
Oh, hi.
Sorry, girls.

290
00:13:01,128 --> 00:13:02,956
No cake equals hate.

291
00:13:02,999 --> 00:13:05,654
Hey, be fair
and fix my hair.

292
00:13:08,396 --> 00:13:09,876
Hi.
Excuse me.

293
00:13:09,919 --> 00:13:11,268
Oh, no,
did we also say something

294
00:13:11,312 --> 00:13:14,097
to offend the L.L.Bean
community?

295
00:13:14,141 --> 00:13:17,100
Max, now straight people
are mad at us too.

296
00:13:17,144 --> 00:13:19,102
The cashier in the diner
said this was the best way

297
00:13:19,146 --> 00:13:20,451
to get to you.

298
00:13:20,495 --> 00:13:24,151
He also told me his CD
was a bargain at $5.99.

299
00:13:24,194 --> 00:13:26,022
I can't believe you got
past the protestors.

300
00:13:26,066 --> 00:13:27,284
I would have
thought those boys

301
00:13:27,328 --> 00:13:30,331
would have
the back door covered.

302
00:13:30,374 --> 00:13:31,680
Man, it's crazy
out there, right?

303
00:13:31,723 --> 00:13:33,116
I mean, however people
run their business

304
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:34,726
should be their own business.

305
00:13:34,770 --> 00:13:39,209
That was always the company line
when I worked for that cartel.

306
00:13:39,253 --> 00:13:41,385
I read about your situation
on the internet,

307
00:13:41,429 --> 00:13:44,084
and I want to order
500 cupcakes.

308
00:13:44,127 --> 00:13:46,782
Is there a Mrs. L.L.Bean?

309
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:49,959
There is.
Happily married 15 years.

310
00:13:50,003 --> 00:13:51,265
Terry Williams.

311
00:13:51,308 --> 00:13:53,093
"Family Foremost Foundation"?

312
00:13:53,136 --> 00:13:55,835
Yep, the FFF.

313
00:13:55,878 --> 00:13:57,532
Wow, three of them.

314
00:13:57,575 --> 00:14:00,970
You people really
like a good F.

315
00:14:01,014 --> 00:14:02,319
Well, we're a group

316
00:14:02,363 --> 00:14:04,191
of independent
business owners like you.

317
00:14:04,234 --> 00:14:06,062
We're in town for
a convention on Sunday.

318
00:14:06,106 --> 00:14:07,498
Information is on the card.

319
00:14:07,542 --> 00:14:09,979
We'll bet there
with 500 cupcakes.

320
00:14:10,023 --> 00:14:12,373
Oh, Terry,
what kind of cupcakes?

321
00:14:12,416 --> 00:14:15,245
It's your business.
You decide.

322
00:14:16,986 --> 00:14:19,989
- Max, how about that?
- I know.

323
00:14:20,033 --> 00:14:23,645
The Brawny paper towel guy
just saved our asses.

324
00:14:27,257 --> 00:14:28,824
Good afternoon, family.

325
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,782
[all]
Good afternoon, Terry.

326
00:14:30,826 --> 00:14:32,915
It's so weird for me
to hear the word "family"

327
00:14:32,959 --> 00:14:35,657
not followed by
the word "court."

328
00:14:35,700 --> 00:14:36,919
I hope you have
some energy left

329
00:14:36,963 --> 00:14:38,965
for the leader of our family,

330
00:14:39,008 --> 00:14:42,664
the man who always
puts family foremost,

331
00:14:42,707 --> 00:14:43,926
Brother Dan.

332
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:46,929
[cheers and applause]

333
00:14:46,973 --> 00:14:50,150
[triumphant music]

334
00:14:50,193 --> 00:14:56,373
♪

335
00:14:56,417 --> 00:14:58,114
Good afternoon, family.

336
00:14:58,158 --> 00:15:00,595
[all]
Good afternoon, Brother Dan.

337
00:15:00,638 --> 00:15:04,860
And thank you, Brother Terry,
for that warm introduction.

338
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:08,037
[cheers and applause]

339
00:15:11,867 --> 00:15:13,913
Are they stuck?

340
00:15:13,956 --> 00:15:16,393
Um, I think there
might be one more F

341
00:15:16,437 --> 00:15:19,657
in Brother Dan's plan.

342
00:15:19,701 --> 00:15:24,575
Today, we are here to celebrate
that most perfect union:

343
00:15:24,619 --> 00:15:26,055
the family.

344
00:15:26,099 --> 00:15:28,884
We rejoice in the family.

345
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:31,931
We live, we love,
we lust...

346
00:15:31,974 --> 00:15:34,934
wholesomely, of course,
for the family.

347
00:15:34,977 --> 00:15:39,851
And today, our family
has found two new daughters.

348
00:15:39,895 --> 00:15:42,028
[applause]

349
00:15:42,071 --> 00:15:44,769
Girls, why don't you
come up on stage?

350
00:15:44,813 --> 00:15:47,990
Oh, you don't want her
to get on stage.

351
00:15:48,034 --> 00:15:50,079
In fact, why don't you
get that spotlight off us

352
00:15:50,123 --> 00:15:52,473
before she starts
to sing again?

353
00:15:52,516 --> 00:15:55,128
Don't be shy.
You two girls went up

354
00:15:55,171 --> 00:15:57,478
against today's
politically correct mafia.

355
00:15:57,521 --> 00:16:01,177
You stood up
to the family destroyers,

356
00:16:01,221 --> 00:16:04,267
with their tan,
shirtless torsos

357
00:16:04,311 --> 00:16:07,967
and their free
online pornography.

358
00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:11,144
Come on up for a hug.

359
00:16:11,187 --> 00:16:12,841
Come on.

360
00:16:15,539 --> 00:16:17,280
Just walk past the stairs
and keep going.

361
00:16:17,324 --> 00:16:19,152
No money is worth being
part of whatever this is.

362
00:16:19,195 --> 00:16:20,544
Let's make a break for it.

363
00:16:20,588 --> 00:16:22,416
[Brother Dan]
And we have a big surprise.

364
00:16:22,459 --> 00:16:26,463
Here's a check made out
to Max's Homemade Cupcakes

365
00:16:26,507 --> 00:16:29,858
for $10,000!

366
00:16:29,901 --> 00:16:31,991
[triumphant music]

367
00:16:32,034 --> 00:16:34,167
Let's make a break for it
after we get the check.

368
00:16:46,048 --> 00:16:50,835
Every night this week,
I have wept in the arms

369
00:16:50,879 --> 00:16:55,275
of my loving wife, Peggy.

370
00:16:55,318 --> 00:16:58,408
I have wept about the plight
of these two girls,

371
00:16:58,452 --> 00:17:02,412
and I am very thankful
that we could all pull together

372
00:17:02,456 --> 00:17:05,154
to ease their pain.

373
00:17:05,198 --> 00:17:06,373
[cheers and applause]

374
00:17:06,415 --> 00:17:07,416
Thank you.

375
00:17:13,510 --> 00:17:16,644
Max, Caroline,

376
00:17:16,686 --> 00:17:18,906
come closer to me.

377
00:17:18,950 --> 00:17:20,169
Closer?

378
00:17:20,213 --> 00:17:22,345
Does he know
we don't have penises?

379
00:17:22,388 --> 00:17:25,782
Come close
so I can present you

380
00:17:25,827 --> 00:17:28,089
your giant check.

381
00:17:28,134 --> 00:17:30,223
I just wish I'd brought
my giant wallet.

382
00:17:30,266 --> 00:17:32,529
No one has to know
we're getting money from them.

383
00:17:32,573 --> 00:17:36,055
Right now, millions
of people are watching

384
00:17:36,098 --> 00:17:39,188
as we stream live
around the world.

385
00:17:39,232 --> 00:17:41,712
Oh, this is streaming
right now?

386
00:17:41,756 --> 00:17:43,192
Max, this is streaming.

387
00:17:43,236 --> 00:17:44,846
I'm streaming
a little in my pants

388
00:17:44,889 --> 00:17:46,717
about this check.

389
00:17:46,761 --> 00:17:49,503
Right now,
all around the world,

390
00:17:49,546 --> 00:17:52,375
people are seeing
what morals look like.

391
00:17:52,419 --> 00:17:55,030
[applause]

392
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:57,206
These are the girls
who are standing up

393
00:17:57,250 --> 00:18:00,122
against the deviants,
the divorces,

394
00:18:00,166 --> 00:18:03,908
the scientists,
the hop-hop lovers,

395
00:18:03,952 --> 00:18:06,389
and...
[sucking sounds]

396
00:18:06,433 --> 00:18:07,912
the doobie smokers.

397
00:18:07,956 --> 00:18:09,479
Whoa.

398
00:18:09,523 --> 00:18:11,220
I don't like people
or science, either,

399
00:18:11,264 --> 00:18:14,571
but ain't nothing wrong
with a righteous doob.

400
00:18:14,615 --> 00:18:18,532
We need to show the world
that we will not tolerate

401
00:18:18,575 --> 00:18:23,754
these deviants and these
degenerates any longer!

402
00:18:23,798 --> 00:18:25,147
[cheers and applause]

403
00:18:25,191 --> 00:18:26,801
I don't want to be
associated with these people.

404
00:18:26,844 --> 00:18:30,109
The gays will hate us forever,
and when I get an interior,

405
00:18:30,152 --> 00:18:32,720
I want it decorated.

406
00:18:32,763 --> 00:18:35,114
People watching everywhere,

407
00:18:35,157 --> 00:18:40,075
meet the two new
faces of family.

408
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:42,208
[cheers and applause]

409
00:18:42,251 --> 00:18:43,992
You know what we
have to do, right?

410
00:18:44,035 --> 00:18:45,036
On the count of three.

411
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:47,648
One, two...

412
00:18:47,691 --> 00:18:49,650
[audience gasping]

413
00:18:49,693 --> 00:18:51,478
Look away, Peggy!

414
00:18:53,088 --> 00:18:54,350
Hold me, Terry.

415
00:18:56,874 --> 00:18:59,834
I believe this is yours.

416
00:18:59,877 --> 00:19:02,837
[upbeat rock music]

417
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:07,494
♪

418
00:19:07,537 --> 00:19:09,887
I can't keep up
with all these drinks.

419
00:19:09,931 --> 00:19:12,368
I'm running out
of tiny umbrellas.

420
00:19:12,412 --> 00:19:16,590
How will you get home
if it rains?

421
00:19:16,633 --> 00:19:18,722
Yes, it's I.

422
00:19:18,766 --> 00:19:20,202
Saw your kiss on Instagram,

423
00:19:20,246 --> 00:19:22,335
and I wanted to apologize
for the whole mix-up.

424
00:19:22,378 --> 00:19:24,554
I can be a little
overly sensitive.

425
00:19:24,598 --> 00:19:27,557
Just ask anyone
that works at Lancôme.

426
00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:29,211
Oh, they know me
at Lancôme.

427
00:19:29,255 --> 00:19:32,127
They call me
No More Free Samples.

428
00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:33,302
Listen, I get it.

429
00:19:33,346 --> 00:19:35,652
Nobody wants to be
reduced to some label.

430
00:19:35,696 --> 00:19:37,350
You should hate people
for other reasons:

431
00:19:37,393 --> 00:19:39,047
because
they're gross or mean

432
00:19:39,090 --> 00:19:40,657
or you owe them money.

433
00:19:40,701 --> 00:19:41,789
At the end of the day,

434
00:19:41,832 --> 00:19:43,660
we are all just
trying to get by.

435
00:19:43,704 --> 00:19:47,055
Bi? Now, those people
I don't trust.

436
00:19:48,274 --> 00:19:50,537
Hi, sorry I'm late
for the party, girls,

437
00:19:50,580 --> 00:19:52,930
but I was just outside
talking to my new friends,

438
00:19:52,974 --> 00:19:56,195
Lisa Newcar
and Ginger Vitis.

439
00:19:56,238 --> 00:19:59,067
We all wear
the same shoe size!

440
00:20:00,373 --> 00:20:02,244
Ah, ladies, ladies.

441
00:20:02,288 --> 00:20:05,204
I would love to stay
and celebrate,

442
00:20:05,247 --> 00:20:08,076
but I've got a hot date
with that fine young thing

443
00:20:08,119 --> 00:20:10,557
at table four.

444
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,123
Good for you, Earl.

445
00:20:12,167 --> 00:20:16,040
But I don't know
if that's exactly a woman.

446
00:20:16,084 --> 00:20:18,173
Ladies, I'm almost 80.

447
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:21,263
I don't know that
that's exactly a problem.

448
00:20:23,309 --> 00:20:24,919
A few of the girls and I
took up a collection

449
00:20:24,962 --> 00:20:27,530
for shutting your business down
the last couple days,

450
00:20:27,574 --> 00:20:29,140
so here.

451
00:20:31,317 --> 00:20:34,450
Cher,
you got me a present?

452
00:20:34,494 --> 00:20:37,888
I've waited for this
my whole life.

453
00:20:37,932 --> 00:20:41,849
[deep voice]
You know my name
is Chad, right?

454
00:20:41,892 --> 00:20:44,417
So snap out of it!