1
00:00:02,176 --> 00:00:04,003
Hold up!
Nobody leave.

2
00:00:04,046 --> 00:00:07,311
Someone,
and I'm not naming Max,

3
00:00:07,355 --> 00:00:09,618
has been stealing
from the diner.

4
00:00:09,661 --> 00:00:13,317
Well, the diner
has been stealing from me.

5
00:00:13,361 --> 00:00:17,147
Youth, energy, will to live.

6
00:00:17,191 --> 00:00:20,020
So new policy:
before any employee leaves,

7
00:00:20,063 --> 00:00:21,282
there will be a pat-down.

8
00:00:21,325 --> 00:00:26,026
I tried to start that policy
years ago.

9
00:00:26,069 --> 00:00:27,201
Seriously, Han?

10
00:00:27,244 --> 00:00:28,463
Is that really how
you want to get

11
00:00:28,506 --> 00:00:31,857
to second base
for the first time?

12
00:00:31,901 --> 00:00:34,164
It's not ideal, no.

13
00:00:34,208 --> 00:00:35,557
Max, you're first.

14
00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:36,558
Fine.

15
00:00:36,601 --> 00:00:39,213
Feel me up,
Low-bo-cop.

16
00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:47,351
What's this?

17
00:00:47,395 --> 00:00:49,527
It's a boob, sad man.

18
00:00:51,529 --> 00:00:55,316
This, however,
is bologna.

19
00:00:55,359 --> 00:00:57,753
Shame on you!
That's tomorrow's salmon.

20
00:01:02,888 --> 00:01:04,194
While we're coming clean,

21
00:01:04,238 --> 00:01:07,241
I stole your identity
three years ago.

22
00:01:07,284 --> 00:01:09,199
It's over now,
but I was caught up

23
00:01:09,243 --> 00:01:13,377
in a kind of
Jason Bourne situation.

24
00:01:13,420 --> 00:01:15,771
Caroline,
I'm coming to you next.

25
00:01:15,814 --> 00:01:17,164
And I thought this uniform

26
00:01:17,207 --> 00:01:20,689
would be the worst thing
touching my body today.

27
00:01:20,732 --> 00:01:23,561
Quick reminder:
I'm a human being.

28
00:01:31,221 --> 00:01:34,572
Caroline,
literally slow your roll.

29
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:38,140
Well, if you're gonna
hit bottom,

30
00:01:38,185 --> 00:01:39,838
you better have something
to wipe it with.

31
00:01:41,144 --> 00:01:42,232
Earl--

32
00:01:42,276 --> 00:01:44,146
Now, I know you are not

33
00:01:44,191 --> 00:01:48,586
about to accuse a black man
of stealing...

34
00:01:48,630 --> 00:01:52,199
in this current
political climate.

35
00:01:52,241 --> 00:01:53,678
No, of course not.

36
00:01:53,722 --> 00:01:57,204
I was just going to wish you
a wonderful evening.

37
00:01:57,247 --> 00:01:58,944
Here, Max.

38
00:01:58,988 --> 00:02:00,294
You can have my bologna.

39
00:02:02,731 --> 00:02:04,994
[Peter Bjorn and John]
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

40
00:02:05,037 --> 00:02:06,517
[cash register bell dings]

41
00:02:06,561 --> 00:02:11,870
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

42
00:02:18,181 --> 00:02:20,096
[man]
And I just--

43
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,750
I think I love you.

44
00:02:21,793 --> 00:02:23,926
[can hissing]

45
00:02:23,969 --> 00:02:25,754
[woman]
I love you too.

46
00:02:25,797 --> 00:02:27,712
Uh, Caroline?

47
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:33,457
Oh, good.

48
00:02:33,501 --> 00:02:36,199
You brought someone else
with you to see that.

49
00:02:36,243 --> 00:02:38,332
Owen, Caroline.
Caroline, Owen.

50
00:02:38,375 --> 00:02:41,291
Owen, bedroom.
Caroline, later.

51
00:02:41,335 --> 00:02:43,206
Owen, nice to meet you.

52
00:02:43,250 --> 00:02:45,904
Do I detect
a Philadelphia accent?

53
00:02:45,948 --> 00:02:48,906
I haven't
said anything yet.

54
00:02:48,951 --> 00:02:53,085
But I gotta tell you, you really
took the cool out of Cool Whip.

55
00:02:53,129 --> 00:02:54,522
Let's go in my room.

56
00:02:54,565 --> 00:02:56,872
Oh, actually, Max,
it's, uh--it's kinda late.

57
00:02:56,915 --> 00:02:59,222
I gotta be at work early.

58
00:02:59,266 --> 00:03:01,529
But I had a good time.
Good night.

59
00:03:01,572 --> 00:03:03,531
I'll call you tomorrow.
We'll do something.

60
00:03:07,578 --> 00:03:08,753
Oh...

61
00:03:08,797 --> 00:03:10,799
my...

62
00:03:10,842 --> 00:03:12,279
God.

63
00:03:14,368 --> 00:03:15,978
It finally happened.

64
00:03:16,021 --> 00:03:19,373
Someone doesn't want
to have sex with me!

65
00:03:20,809 --> 00:03:24,029
He said he gotta
be at work early.

66
00:03:24,073 --> 00:03:25,683
Isn't that weird?

67
00:03:25,727 --> 00:03:27,381
That you're dating a guy
with a job?

68
00:03:27,424 --> 00:03:29,861
Yeah, that is weird.

69
00:03:29,905 --> 00:03:32,168
Max, maybe you finally
met a guy

70
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:33,387
who wants
to get to know you

71
00:03:33,430 --> 00:03:35,867
before he jumps into bed
with you.

72
00:03:35,911 --> 00:03:38,261
Maybe Owen's the one.

73
00:03:38,305 --> 00:03:42,222
The one that won't
have sex with me!

74
00:03:42,265 --> 00:03:44,267
So what happens around here

75
00:03:44,311 --> 00:03:48,576
when nothing happens
around here?

76
00:03:48,619 --> 00:03:52,232
Well, when that's
not happening,

77
00:03:52,275 --> 00:03:54,886
cheesecake is
a fun alternative.

78
00:03:54,930 --> 00:03:56,584
I stole one from the diner
'cause I thought

79
00:03:56,627 --> 00:03:59,281
you wouldn't be home
and I'd be sad.

80
00:03:59,326 --> 00:04:01,850
You hide that
between your legs too?

81
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:05,332
[knock at door]

82
00:04:05,375 --> 00:04:06,724
[Sophie]
Open up!

83
00:04:06,768 --> 00:04:09,510
I smell cheesecake!

84
00:04:09,553 --> 00:04:11,686
Oh.
And you know...

85
00:04:13,862 --> 00:04:16,778
And you know
what that smells like.

86
00:04:16,821 --> 00:04:17,952
Girl talk.

87
00:04:19,214 --> 00:04:20,564
Girl talk?

88
00:04:20,608 --> 00:04:23,915
All right, but if we lez out,
nobody catch feelings.

89
00:04:23,959 --> 00:04:26,831
Eh, I'm just talking
about a little chick-ity chat.

90
00:04:26,875 --> 00:04:29,312
You know,
friends sharing with friends

91
00:04:29,356 --> 00:04:31,401
in a completely safe
environment.

92
00:04:31,445 --> 00:04:33,751
Well, I've been having
this recurring dream--

93
00:04:33,795 --> 00:04:37,320
Yeah, well,
you'll have it again.

94
00:04:37,364 --> 00:04:39,888
Let's talk about me.

95
00:04:39,931 --> 00:04:43,892
Girls, Oleg and I
have been having a lot of sex.

96
00:04:43,935 --> 00:04:46,503
You know, standing up,
sitting down,

97
00:04:46,547 --> 00:04:49,854
on a elevator,
on a escalator.

98
00:04:49,898 --> 00:04:51,769
Oh, yeah.

99
00:04:51,813 --> 00:04:56,121
Going down and up
at the same time.

100
00:04:56,165 --> 00:05:00,648
All of that unprotected sex,
and still no baby.

101
00:05:00,691 --> 00:05:04,129
Did you just
come here to brag?

102
00:05:04,173 --> 00:05:05,609
You know, Sophie,

103
00:05:05,653 --> 00:05:08,482
sometimes when people
have trouble getting pregnant,

104
00:05:08,525 --> 00:05:10,092
they see a doctor.

105
00:05:17,707 --> 00:05:19,710
Sophie, where did you go?

106
00:05:19,754 --> 00:05:23,584
I looked up from the harness,
and you were gone.

107
00:05:23,627 --> 00:05:27,109
Well, Caroline thinks
one of us...

108
00:05:29,416 --> 00:05:30,895
Mmm.

109
00:05:30,939 --> 00:05:33,289
And she's not pointing fingers
at anyone,

110
00:05:33,332 --> 00:05:35,552
but one of us...

111
00:05:35,596 --> 00:05:39,600
you know, may need
to get the sperm tested.

112
00:05:39,643 --> 00:05:42,385
All right, but I've been known
to miss the cup.

113
00:05:42,429 --> 00:05:46,128
♪

114
00:05:46,171 --> 00:05:47,477
All right, Earl.

115
00:05:47,521 --> 00:05:49,174
After last night's date,
I need a rebound.

116
00:05:49,218 --> 00:05:52,003
I'm ready for you to set me up
with your friend.

117
00:05:52,047 --> 00:05:53,701
He's dead.

118
00:05:55,050 --> 00:05:56,486
I didn't say which friend.

119
00:05:56,530 --> 00:05:58,532
They're all dead, Max.

120
00:05:59,881 --> 00:06:01,839
Jeez, one guy doesn't want
to sleep with you,

121
00:06:01,883 --> 00:06:04,146
and you're sweatin'
to the oldies?

122
00:06:07,149 --> 00:06:08,368
Flowers?

123
00:06:08,411 --> 00:06:10,544
Oh, no!
Am I dead too?

124
00:06:13,416 --> 00:06:14,504
I'm looking for Max.

125
00:06:14,548 --> 00:06:16,071
She said she doesn't work here.

126
00:06:18,073 --> 00:06:19,248
What is he doing here?

127
00:06:19,291 --> 00:06:20,510
It's so awkward
seeing a guy

128
00:06:20,554 --> 00:06:22,817
the day after
he doesn't see you naked.

129
00:06:24,079 --> 00:06:25,254
Hey.

130
00:06:25,297 --> 00:06:26,734
These are for you.

131
00:06:26,777 --> 00:06:27,778
Flowers?

132
00:06:27,822 --> 00:06:29,693
For future reference,
I'm more of a

133
00:06:29,737 --> 00:06:32,696
"Mickey's Malt Liquor"
kind of girl.

134
00:06:32,740 --> 00:06:34,611
Hey, can we talk
over there in that booth?

135
00:06:34,655 --> 00:06:37,527
It depends.
How's your immune system?

136
00:06:37,571 --> 00:06:39,659
Caroline, cover my tables.

137
00:06:39,703 --> 00:06:41,792
First I'll put these
in some diner water.

138
00:06:41,836 --> 00:06:46,144
I hope these flowers like
little floating meat bits.

139
00:06:46,188 --> 00:06:48,233
So...you take me to dinner,

140
00:06:48,277 --> 00:06:49,409
treat me like a lady,

141
00:06:49,452 --> 00:06:50,584
and bring me flowers.

142
00:06:50,627 --> 00:06:54,370
What kind of sick stuff
are you into?

143
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,154
Max, I like you a lot.

144
00:06:56,198 --> 00:06:59,593
Then why aren't you
laying on top of me somewhere?

145
00:07:00,811 --> 00:07:02,422
Look, I want us
to get to know each other

146
00:07:02,465 --> 00:07:03,727
before we have sex

147
00:07:03,771 --> 00:07:05,250
to be able to trust
each other,

148
00:07:05,294 --> 00:07:06,643
keep each other's secrets.

149
00:07:06,687 --> 00:07:09,646
Fine; just tell me your
safe word, and let's go.

150
00:07:11,605 --> 00:07:15,173
Mine is "pot sticker."

151
00:07:15,217 --> 00:07:16,784
I'm serious,

152
00:07:16,827 --> 00:07:18,655
'cause when we do have sex,
you're gonna find out

153
00:07:18,699 --> 00:07:20,570
that I'm not...

154
00:07:20,614 --> 00:07:23,747
well, I'm not regular
down there.

155
00:07:27,490 --> 00:07:30,841
Um..."not regular"?

156
00:07:34,541 --> 00:07:39,589
So does it look
something like...

157
00:07:44,507 --> 00:07:46,074
This?

158
00:07:47,162 --> 00:07:49,251
No. And bigger.

159
00:07:51,079 --> 00:07:53,864
Uh, so something like...

160
00:07:55,953 --> 00:07:56,911
This?

161
00:07:56,954 --> 00:07:59,783
No, it doesn't
have a face.

162
00:07:59,827 --> 00:08:01,959
Max, something's wrong
in the kitchen.

163
00:08:02,003 --> 00:08:03,526
Not here.
Nothing's wrong here.

164
00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:05,223
Just come with me.

165
00:08:07,530 --> 00:08:08,879
Uh, well, can I
see you tomorrow?

166
00:08:08,923 --> 00:08:10,620
Sure,
but at least be late.

167
00:08:10,664 --> 00:08:12,492
Give me something
to work with.

168
00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:14,929
I heard what he said.

169
00:08:14,972 --> 00:08:17,409
What the heck does
"not regular down there" mean?

170
00:08:17,453 --> 00:08:19,629
I don't know.

171
00:08:20,848 --> 00:08:25,505
All I know is,
it doesn't mean this.

172
00:08:26,767 --> 00:08:28,072
It could be anything.

173
00:08:28,116 --> 00:08:31,336
In Moscow, I saw this
amazing penis freak show,

174
00:08:31,380 --> 00:08:33,991
"Ripleyvitch
Believe It or Nyet."

175
00:08:36,777 --> 00:08:39,649
I'm not over it "nyet."

176
00:08:39,693 --> 00:08:42,260
So you're really gonna
go out with Owen again?

177
00:08:42,304 --> 00:08:45,612
I mean, you're playing
penis roulette down there.

178
00:08:45,655 --> 00:08:48,005
It could be gnarly
or wonky or...

179
00:08:48,049 --> 00:08:50,268
truly haunting.

180
00:08:50,312 --> 00:08:52,053
You're right.

181
00:08:52,096 --> 00:08:54,011
I gotta see it!

182
00:08:54,055 --> 00:08:56,057
♪

183
00:08:59,843 --> 00:09:01,062
Okay, tell me again.

184
00:09:01,105 --> 00:09:02,498
Talk to my like
I'm a 10-year-old...

185
00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:04,848
with overdeveloped boobs.

186
00:09:04,892 --> 00:09:06,023
It's simple.

187
00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:07,285
Owen just wants
to get to know you

188
00:09:07,329 --> 00:09:08,548
before he has sex with you.

189
00:09:08,591 --> 00:09:10,854
That is sick!
I'm ten.

190
00:09:10,898 --> 00:09:13,030
Here.
Let's practice.

191
00:09:13,074 --> 00:09:15,598
Pretend I'm Owen,
and ask me something.

192
00:09:15,642 --> 00:09:18,775
So, Owen, when you gonna
take "dem" pants off?

193
00:09:20,081 --> 00:09:22,431
Hi, girls.

194
00:09:22,474 --> 00:09:24,128
Do you think anyone
would notice

195
00:09:24,172 --> 00:09:25,434
if you closed your shop

196
00:09:25,477 --> 00:09:27,567
and we had a girls' day
tomorrow?

197
00:09:27,610 --> 00:09:29,351
Where we going
tomorrow, Sophie?

198
00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:32,354
Say Coney Island,
say Coney Island.

199
00:09:32,397 --> 00:09:35,879
We're going
to a gynecologist!

200
00:09:35,923 --> 00:09:39,100
Yeah, see, Oleg said that
he'd get himself checked out,

201
00:09:39,143 --> 00:09:40,580
so, to be a team player,

202
00:09:40,623 --> 00:09:44,627
I'm gonna let a doctor
poke around my front bottom.

203
00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:46,847
Well, obviously
I'm honored,

204
00:09:46,890 --> 00:09:50,067
but that's gonna be
a hard "no" from me.

205
00:09:50,111 --> 00:09:51,242
Oh, girls!

206
00:09:51,286 --> 00:09:52,853
I don't want to go alone.

207
00:09:52,896 --> 00:09:54,724
I'm scared!

208
00:09:54,768 --> 00:09:57,597
You know, in Poland,
our doctor was also the butcher,

209
00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:59,424
you know, because he
already had the white coat

210
00:09:59,468 --> 00:10:01,775
and the metal draining table.

211
00:10:01,818 --> 00:10:04,081
I mean, you try
sharing a waiting room

212
00:10:04,125 --> 00:10:06,257
with a bunch of nervous sheep.

213
00:10:06,301 --> 00:10:07,955
[bleating]
Baaah!

214
00:10:07,998 --> 00:10:10,305
Baaaah!

215
00:10:10,348 --> 00:10:12,263
Sheep flashbacks?

216
00:10:12,307 --> 00:10:14,657
I am obviously in.

217
00:10:14,701 --> 00:10:15,919
Buh-bye.

218
00:10:15,963 --> 00:10:17,617
♪

219
00:10:17,660 --> 00:10:19,053
This is the part
where the sheep

220
00:10:19,096 --> 00:10:21,446
really started to freak out.

221
00:10:21,490 --> 00:10:24,275
[bleating]
Baaah!

222
00:10:24,319 --> 00:10:26,321
Sophie, just relax,

223
00:10:26,364 --> 00:10:28,323
and maybe change
into this paper gown

224
00:10:28,366 --> 00:10:29,933
so the doctor can have
better access.

225
00:10:29,977 --> 00:10:31,108
And as I'm saying this,

226
00:10:31,152 --> 00:10:33,937
I really wonder
what I am doing here.

227
00:10:33,981 --> 00:10:36,331
Well, I don't need a gown.

228
00:10:36,374 --> 00:10:39,334
I ripped the middle
right out of my Spanx.

229
00:10:39,377 --> 00:10:40,988
[phone chimes]

230
00:10:41,031 --> 00:10:42,250
It's Owen.

231
00:10:42,293 --> 00:10:43,643
"How about dinner tonight?

232
00:10:43,686 --> 00:10:46,428
Italian, sushi, whatever
you're in the mood for."

233
00:10:46,471 --> 00:10:47,951
I'm in the mood
for a little...

234
00:10:47,995 --> 00:10:50,737
[mimics bed squeaking]

235
00:10:50,780 --> 00:10:52,652
Max, why don't you
invite him over?

236
00:10:52,695 --> 00:10:54,131
You can make him
a romantic dinner,

237
00:10:54,175 --> 00:10:55,306
and then you can watch

238
00:10:55,350 --> 00:10:58,440
"American Horror Story:
Penis Edition."

239
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:02,879
Miss Kuchenski,
I'm Dr. Surden.

240
00:11:02,923 --> 00:11:05,273
[bleating]
Baaah!

241
00:11:08,450 --> 00:11:10,800
Miss Kuchenski,
why aren't you wearing a gown,

242
00:11:10,844 --> 00:11:14,499
and why are you
clenching your knees?

243
00:11:15,631 --> 00:11:17,981
Oh, no.

244
00:11:18,025 --> 00:11:21,289
I got the lock legs.

245
00:11:21,332 --> 00:11:24,205
Hang on;
I got an idea.

246
00:11:24,248 --> 00:11:27,208
[laughing]

247
00:11:27,251 --> 00:11:28,992
That tickles!

248
00:11:29,036 --> 00:11:30,341
Make your move now, Doc!

249
00:11:30,385 --> 00:11:32,039
That tickles!

250
00:11:32,082 --> 00:11:34,519
Baaah!

251
00:11:34,563 --> 00:11:37,087
Uh, m-m-maybe
I'll have the nurse

252
00:11:37,131 --> 00:11:38,610
bring something to relax you.

253
00:11:38,654 --> 00:11:41,483
I'll take a water
if we're getting stuff.

254
00:11:45,182 --> 00:11:47,097
I got to get out of here.

255
00:11:47,141 --> 00:11:50,144
But, Sophie, he hasn't even
examined you yet.

256
00:11:50,187 --> 00:11:51,362
What's going on?

257
00:11:51,406 --> 00:11:53,974
You're acting odd-er
than usual.

258
00:11:54,017 --> 00:11:58,369
Well, what if Oleg and I
can't have a baby

259
00:11:58,413 --> 00:12:01,764
because there's
something wrong with me?

260
00:12:01,808 --> 00:12:06,421
I mean, what if it's not
Oleg's swimmers?

261
00:12:06,464 --> 00:12:09,424
What if it's my pool?

262
00:12:11,426 --> 00:12:15,038
I mean, that would be so...

263
00:12:15,082 --> 00:12:17,127
[bleating]
sad.

264
00:12:17,171 --> 00:12:19,913
♪

265
00:12:19,956 --> 00:12:22,306
Here's how I want things
to unfold.

266
00:12:22,350 --> 00:12:24,831
Do you think his thing
will unfold?

267
00:12:26,658 --> 00:12:29,400
Like Beetlejuice?

268
00:12:30,837 --> 00:12:32,752
Do you think you can handle
getting to know him?

269
00:12:32,795 --> 00:12:34,318
I'm getting really upset.

270
00:12:34,362 --> 00:12:36,320
Hey, I have
questions prepared.

271
00:12:36,364 --> 00:12:37,713
I'll be fine.

272
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:39,193
You're the one who has to
sit at Starbucks

273
00:12:39,236 --> 00:12:41,586
and listen to homeless Barb
pitch her screenplay

274
00:12:41,630 --> 00:12:43,458
for the next three hours.

275
00:12:43,501 --> 00:12:44,807
Uh, careful.

276
00:12:44,851 --> 00:12:47,462
I've got a producer
credit on that.

277
00:12:47,505 --> 00:12:48,680
[knock on door]

278
00:12:48,724 --> 00:12:50,508
Max, your package is here.

279
00:12:52,989 --> 00:12:54,164
Hey.

280
00:12:54,208 --> 00:12:55,775
Hope you like white wine.

281
00:12:55,818 --> 00:12:57,602
Of course.
I live with her.

282
00:12:58,995 --> 00:13:00,170
And "her" is leaving.

283
00:13:00,214 --> 00:13:01,606
Nice to see you,
Owen.

284
00:13:01,650 --> 00:13:03,652
You two have a great time
getting to know each other.

285
00:13:03,695 --> 00:13:05,001
Don't let this one
talk your ear off.

286
00:13:05,045 --> 00:13:07,047
She's the type of girl
that just loves to talk.

287
00:13:09,658 --> 00:13:11,268
You look beautiful.

288
00:13:11,312 --> 00:13:12,922
You went to all this trouble.

289
00:13:12,966 --> 00:13:15,011
I did.
Thank you.

290
00:13:15,055 --> 00:13:17,013
And you look...

291
00:13:17,057 --> 00:13:19,581
man-beautiful.

292
00:13:19,624 --> 00:13:23,237
Shall we sit
and get to know each other?

293
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:26,283
Like, for instance,

294
00:13:26,327 --> 00:13:27,937
"Your wife's
work friend Gary

295
00:13:27,981 --> 00:13:29,634
"invites her away
on a business trip

296
00:13:29,678 --> 00:13:31,114
"where they'd be
sharing one room.

297
00:13:31,158 --> 00:13:32,333
Do you, A--"

298
00:13:32,376 --> 00:13:33,551
- Max.
- I know.

299
00:13:33,595 --> 00:13:35,684
Obviously, she bones him.

300
00:13:39,122 --> 00:13:41,298
When I said
"get to know each other,"

301
00:13:41,342 --> 00:13:43,126
I wasn't thinking
"Scruples."

302
00:13:43,170 --> 00:13:46,216
I'm more of a "Hungry
Hungry Hippos" guy.

303
00:13:46,260 --> 00:13:48,262
I wish I could afford
"Scruples."

304
00:13:48,305 --> 00:13:50,133
This is "Scrumples."

305
00:13:51,613 --> 00:13:52,962
Look, I don't know
how to do this.

306
00:13:53,006 --> 00:13:54,181
I feel stupid.

307
00:13:54,224 --> 00:13:55,486
You may feel stupid,

308
00:13:55,530 --> 00:13:57,314
but you look really cute
right now.

309
00:13:57,358 --> 00:13:58,968
I do?

310
00:13:59,012 --> 00:14:00,187
How cute do I look?

311
00:14:00,230 --> 00:14:02,798
A, super very a lot.

312
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:03,973
B--

313
00:14:04,017 --> 00:14:05,975
Oh, it's A.

314
00:14:06,019 --> 00:14:08,586
Seriously, have you never
gotten to know anybody ever?

315
00:14:08,630 --> 00:14:11,328
I...don't know.

316
00:14:11,372 --> 00:14:12,721
How do people
get to know each other?

317
00:14:12,764 --> 00:14:15,898
I mean, what
do you want to know?

318
00:14:15,942 --> 00:14:17,682
We didn't have
any money growing up.

319
00:14:17,726 --> 00:14:19,380
My mom was an alcoholic.

320
00:14:19,423 --> 00:14:21,382
My father was...

321
00:14:21,425 --> 00:14:26,604
not able to be located
by Maury Povich.

322
00:14:26,648 --> 00:14:28,519
We moved a lot because

323
00:14:28,563 --> 00:14:31,479
the parking brake
on our house didn't work.

324
00:14:33,568 --> 00:14:35,265
So now you know me.

325
00:14:35,309 --> 00:14:37,789
I guess you'll be leaving.

326
00:14:44,753 --> 00:14:48,757
Was that an
A, kiss good-bye?

327
00:14:50,193 --> 00:14:52,892
That's for being cute
and for sharing that.

328
00:14:54,241 --> 00:14:57,940
I definitely think
we should skip dinner--

329
00:14:57,984 --> 00:14:59,637
blow this out 'cause
I worry about fire;

330
00:14:59,681 --> 00:15:02,553
that's something about me--

331
00:15:02,597 --> 00:15:05,600
and go straight
to dessert.

332
00:15:08,646 --> 00:15:10,997
Is it weird that
I want to talk now?

333
00:15:13,260 --> 00:15:14,739
[belt buckle jingles, fly zips]

334
00:15:14,783 --> 00:15:16,089
[Owen]
Oh, wow.

335
00:15:16,132 --> 00:15:18,091
Going right for it, huh?

336
00:15:18,134 --> 00:15:19,309
[Max]
Wow.

337
00:15:19,353 --> 00:15:21,921
Never would've drawn that.

338
00:15:21,964 --> 00:15:23,270
♪

339
00:15:27,361 --> 00:15:28,971
I can't believe
you won't tell me

340
00:15:29,015 --> 00:15:31,974
what's not regular about
Owen's "down there."

341
00:15:32,018 --> 00:15:34,107
I tell you everything.

342
00:15:35,630 --> 00:15:36,761
Fine.

343
00:15:36,805 --> 00:15:38,415
Meet me at the first
coleslaw tub.

344
00:15:38,459 --> 00:15:39,590
Come alone.

345
00:15:41,853 --> 00:15:42,985
- Get out.
- But I'm cooking.

346
00:15:43,029 --> 00:15:44,987
Get out.

347
00:15:45,031 --> 00:15:47,294
Fine.
This is garbage anyway.

348
00:15:50,819 --> 00:15:51,994
Okay, okay.
Tell me.

349
00:15:52,038 --> 00:15:53,169
All right.

350
00:15:53,213 --> 00:15:55,128
Remember on "Full House,"

351
00:15:55,171 --> 00:15:57,913
when you thought
there was one Michelle,

352
00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:01,482
but there were actually
two Michelles...

353
00:16:03,658 --> 00:16:04,702
Why are you bringing up

354
00:16:04,746 --> 00:16:07,662
one of the craziest
days of my life?

355
00:16:07,705 --> 00:16:09,794
He has two.

356
00:16:09,838 --> 00:16:11,231
Two what?

357
00:16:11,274 --> 00:16:12,449
Owen has two penises!

358
00:16:12,493 --> 00:16:14,669
Why is it so hard
to understand?

359
00:16:17,324 --> 00:16:19,413
Is that a thing
that can happen?

360
00:16:19,456 --> 00:16:21,023
Yes.
It's called diphallia.

361
00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:22,720
I just Googled it.

362
00:16:26,333 --> 00:16:28,335
It's a medical condition
in which a male

363
00:16:28,378 --> 00:16:30,293
is born with two penises.

364
00:16:30,337 --> 00:16:33,993
The only case in which
two dongs make a right.

365
00:16:36,343 --> 00:16:39,694
Oleg, this was
supposed to be private.

366
00:16:39,737 --> 00:16:42,262
I think you mean
"privates."

367
00:16:43,959 --> 00:16:45,700
What's the ball count?

368
00:16:49,747 --> 00:16:51,227
Oleg,
stop Googling!

369
00:16:51,271 --> 00:16:52,620
I'm not Googling.

370
00:16:52,663 --> 00:16:54,230
Now I'm on the phone
with Sophie.

371
00:16:54,274 --> 00:16:56,232
[Sophie]
Who has two penises?

372
00:16:57,886 --> 00:16:59,148
Max's boyfriend.

373
00:16:59,192 --> 00:17:00,932
What's going on back here?

374
00:17:00,976 --> 00:17:03,805
[Sophie]
Max's boyfriend
has two penises!

375
00:17:03,848 --> 00:17:05,894
Okay! Okay!
That's it.

376
00:17:05,936 --> 00:17:08,027
No more talk
about Owen's penis

377
00:17:08,069 --> 00:17:11,421
or his other penis.

378
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:13,989
Well, Max, I guess
he's not the one...

379
00:17:14,032 --> 00:17:16,209
'cause he's the two.

380
00:17:18,079 --> 00:17:20,473
Actually,
I really like him,

381
00:17:20,517 --> 00:17:23,346
and not just because
I can cheat on him with him.

382
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:26,522
Max, you can't be serious.

383
00:17:26,567 --> 00:17:29,048
Hey, everyone has
something wrong with them.

384
00:17:29,091 --> 00:17:30,266
I'm messed up on the inside.

385
00:17:30,310 --> 00:17:31,746
At least Owen's
is right out there

386
00:17:31,789 --> 00:17:32,964
where you can see it.

387
00:17:33,008 --> 00:17:37,969
♪

388
00:17:38,013 --> 00:17:40,885
Owen's stopping by
just to chat.

389
00:17:40,929 --> 00:17:42,104
I like talking now.

390
00:17:42,148 --> 00:17:43,366
I think I'm gonna tell him

391
00:17:43,410 --> 00:17:45,064
about the first time
I ran away from home.

392
00:17:45,107 --> 00:17:47,283
I crawled to Detroit.

393
00:17:47,327 --> 00:17:49,198
Max, I think it's great
you were able

394
00:17:49,242 --> 00:17:51,244
to look past Owen's situation.

395
00:17:51,287 --> 00:17:54,247
Even the sight of one of them
can be disturbing.

396
00:17:55,291 --> 00:17:56,814
Hey, everybody!

397
00:17:56,858 --> 00:17:58,207
Oh, good news.

398
00:17:58,251 --> 00:18:00,731
Oleg's got strong sperm.

399
00:18:02,124 --> 00:18:05,084
Well, that's the end
of this cookie.

400
00:18:05,127 --> 00:18:06,650
And the bad news is...

401
00:18:06,694 --> 00:18:09,392
Oh, I thought
that was the bad news.

402
00:18:09,436 --> 00:18:11,438
I went back to the doctor,
and he said

403
00:18:11,481 --> 00:18:13,527
I can still get pregnant.

404
00:18:13,570 --> 00:18:15,572
It's just gonna
take a while, you know,

405
00:18:15,616 --> 00:18:19,185
'cause my eggs are a bit
like the eggs here at the diner.

406
00:18:19,228 --> 00:18:21,665
You know, not exactly bad,

407
00:18:21,709 --> 00:18:25,800
just real close
to the use-by date.

408
00:18:25,843 --> 00:18:27,715
Sophie, what made you
go back to the doctor?

409
00:18:27,758 --> 00:18:31,414
Well, you know, I was doing
a lot of soul-searching,

410
00:18:31,458 --> 00:18:34,504
and I left my purse there.

411
00:18:34,548 --> 00:18:36,376
So I figured, you know,
while I'm here,

412
00:18:36,419 --> 00:18:38,378
why not take a look,
you know?

413
00:18:38,421 --> 00:18:41,772
I mean, like Max said,
everybody's got something.

414
00:18:41,816 --> 00:18:42,991
Well, not to brag,

415
00:18:43,034 --> 00:18:45,211
but mine's
got two somethings.

416
00:18:46,647 --> 00:18:48,388
Hi.
I'm here for, uh...

417
00:18:48,431 --> 00:18:50,607
Table for two.
I mean one!

418
00:18:52,479 --> 00:18:55,221
Why did I say two?

419
00:18:55,264 --> 00:18:57,048
I don't know.
Have a good one.

420
00:18:57,092 --> 00:18:58,920
You too.
I mean, one!

421
00:19:00,313 --> 00:19:03,577
Oh, hi.
Yeah.

422
00:19:03,620 --> 00:19:06,275
I've heard a lot
about you.

423
00:19:06,319 --> 00:19:08,147
You know, but not everything.

424
00:19:08,190 --> 00:19:10,845
You know, just
a couple of things.

425
00:19:12,325 --> 00:19:13,804
- She knows?
- What?

426
00:19:13,848 --> 00:19:15,806
Um, no.

427
00:19:15,850 --> 00:19:17,373
This is like meeting Elvis

428
00:19:17,417 --> 00:19:20,376
if Elvis had two penises
and didn't die on his toilet.

429
00:19:21,290 --> 00:19:22,987
Okay.
They all know.

430
00:19:23,031 --> 00:19:25,512
Owen, wait!
Wait. I'm sorry.

431
00:19:26,643 --> 00:19:30,430
Uh, I expected him
to walk differently.

432
00:19:30,473 --> 00:19:31,866
Did anybody else think that?

433
00:19:31,909 --> 00:19:36,000
Yeah, I was wondering
if he wears briefs and boxers.

434
00:19:36,044 --> 00:19:39,308
I was wondering if he'd let me
take a selfie with them.

435
00:19:39,352 --> 00:19:41,310
Guys,
Max really likes Owen,

436
00:19:41,354 --> 00:19:42,703
and she might have
blown it.

437
00:19:42,746 --> 00:19:45,358
Which, again,
seems like a lot of work.

438
00:19:46,881 --> 00:19:48,448
What happened?

439
00:19:48,491 --> 00:19:49,840
He broke up with me.

440
00:19:49,884 --> 00:19:51,451
He broke up with you?

441
00:19:51,494 --> 00:19:52,800
He said I betrayed
his trust,

442
00:19:52,843 --> 00:19:54,454
and I said,
whether I like it or not,

443
00:19:54,497 --> 00:19:55,933
you guys know everything.

444
00:19:55,977 --> 00:19:57,326
You're part of the package.

445
00:19:57,370 --> 00:19:58,675
And what did he say?

446
00:19:58,719 --> 00:20:01,635
He said my package
was too much for him.

447
00:20:01,678 --> 00:20:05,465
Yourpackage
is too much?

448
00:20:05,508 --> 00:20:08,424
I mean, he's driving
a double-decker.

449
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:12,559
Coleslaw tub.
Come alone.

450
00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:15,692
Are you okay?

451
00:20:15,736 --> 00:20:16,911
I'm fine.

452
00:20:16,954 --> 00:20:18,478
I don't really believe you,

453
00:20:18,521 --> 00:20:20,784
but I do know something
that might make you feel better.

454
00:20:21,916 --> 00:20:23,047
Oh, God! No!

455
00:20:23,091 --> 00:20:25,180
No more girl talk.

456
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:26,616
Private stash.

457
00:20:26,660 --> 00:20:29,228
I get sad a lot
in here.

458
00:20:29,271 --> 00:20:31,055
[can hisses]

459
00:20:31,099 --> 00:20:32,970
I really liked him.

460
00:20:33,014 --> 00:20:34,494
[can hisses]

461
00:20:34,537 --> 00:20:36,147
I did what you said,

462
00:20:36,191 --> 00:20:37,584
and I let him
get to know me.

463
00:20:37,627 --> 00:20:39,455
[can hisses]

464
00:20:39,499 --> 00:20:42,328
I'm never doing that again.

465
00:20:42,371 --> 00:20:45,069
This isn't doing it for me.

466
00:20:45,113 --> 00:20:47,246
[cans hiss]

467
00:20:47,289 --> 00:20:48,812
I'm gonna miss him.

468
00:20:49,683 --> 00:20:54,601
♪

469
00:20:56,907 --> 00:20:59,867
[upbeat music]

470
00:20:59,910 --> 00:21:07,831
♪