1
00:00:02,828 --> 00:00:04,917
Got a marriage proposal
in the diner.

2
00:00:04,961 --> 00:00:08,007
Where they gonna honeymoon--
a Porta-Potty?

3
00:00:08,051 --> 00:00:09,922
That's the saddest thing
I ever seen,

4
00:00:09,966 --> 00:00:13,796
and I was at a Rolling Stones
concert last night.

5
00:00:13,839 --> 00:00:15,841
The guy wants me to put
this ring her pie.

6
00:00:15,885 --> 00:00:17,278
'Cause you know what they say--

7
00:00:17,321 --> 00:00:21,021
If you like it, then you gotta
put a ring in it.

8
00:00:21,064 --> 00:00:23,066
Well, this is a first.

9
00:00:23,110 --> 00:00:25,764
A guy left me a half
a tuna sandwich as a tip.

10
00:00:25,808 --> 00:00:29,855
Which is still more
than Europeans leave.

11
00:00:29,899 --> 00:00:32,293
There's a proposal
at table 40,

12
00:00:32,336 --> 00:00:34,121
and you have to do it.

13
00:00:34,164 --> 00:00:37,863
I already delivered
a baby in here today.

14
00:00:37,907 --> 00:00:40,040
Well, they've obviously
been dating a while,

15
00:00:40,083 --> 00:00:42,738
'cause she's eating carbs
in front of him.

16
00:00:42,781 --> 00:00:45,088
Caroline
is so happy right now.

17
00:00:45,132 --> 00:00:47,482
She still believes
in all that love crap.

18
00:00:47,525 --> 00:00:51,486
Uh, she also believes
table 14 is table 40.

19
00:00:51,529 --> 00:00:53,357
Here's your pie.

20
00:00:53,401 --> 00:00:58,058
I have a feeling this dessert
is gonna be extra-sweet.

21
00:01:00,451 --> 00:01:02,540
It's an engagement ring!

22
00:01:02,584 --> 00:01:05,630
He hid it in the pie!

23
00:01:05,674 --> 00:01:07,937
Yes! Yes, I'll marry you.

24
00:01:07,980 --> 00:01:09,765
I know I said I was
cool with waiting,

25
00:01:09,808 --> 00:01:12,202
but I wasn't cool with it!

26
00:01:13,508 --> 00:01:17,425
Yep. She messed up.
This isn't yours.

27
00:01:18,861 --> 00:01:22,995
Um...again.
I'm cool with waiting.

28
00:01:23,039 --> 00:01:26,434
And for you two,
pie on the house,

29
00:01:26,477 --> 00:01:30,133
and I'm guessing a very
tense cab ride home.

30
00:01:30,176 --> 00:01:31,787
♪

31
00:01:31,830 --> 00:01:33,832
[Peter Bjorn and John]
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

32
00:01:33,876 --> 00:01:35,312
[cash register bell dings]

33
00:01:35,356 --> 00:01:39,316
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

34
00:01:45,496 --> 00:01:47,497
Where's Earl?
He isn't here yet,

35
00:01:47,542 --> 00:01:48,978
and I'm worried.

36
00:01:49,021 --> 00:01:52,372
Wait--it's not
a black holiday, is it?

37
00:01:52,416 --> 00:01:55,767
Earl better not be dead,
or I'll kill him.

38
00:01:55,811 --> 00:01:57,900
We have a joint
suicide pact.

39
00:01:57,943 --> 00:02:00,859
We smoke a joint
and then we kill ourselves.

40
00:02:00,903 --> 00:02:04,167
He's probably just late.
Don't overreact.

41
00:02:04,211 --> 00:02:06,865
That's exactly what Janine
at 911 said ten minutes ago

42
00:02:06,909 --> 00:02:09,085
when I overreacted
with her!

43
00:02:09,128 --> 00:02:10,608
You called 911?

44
00:02:10,651 --> 00:02:12,784
When I came home
three hours late last night,

45
00:02:12,828 --> 00:02:16,136
you had already put
all my stuff out on the street.

46
00:02:16,179 --> 00:02:18,355
Hi, everybody!

47
00:02:19,922 --> 00:02:22,620
Wait a minute--
where's Earl?

48
00:02:22,664 --> 00:02:24,579
It's not as much fun
walking in here

49
00:02:24,622 --> 00:02:28,409
if he's not down there
looking up at my boobs.

50
00:02:28,452 --> 00:02:30,193
He's late.

51
00:02:30,237 --> 00:02:31,977
[gasps]
Late?

52
00:02:32,021 --> 00:02:34,023
Oh...I'm sorry, Max.

53
00:02:34,066 --> 00:02:37,505
I know you two
were close.

54
00:02:37,548 --> 00:02:40,203
See? That's the kind of
sympathy I was looking for

55
00:02:40,247 --> 00:02:43,206
from you and Janine.

56
00:02:43,250 --> 00:02:45,121
Sophie,
what's with those needles?

57
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:48,341
Oh, yeah--I'm getting ready
to shoot up.

58
00:02:48,385 --> 00:02:51,345
Sophie's starting
her fertility shots today.

59
00:02:51,388 --> 00:02:53,216
Before long,
we'll be parents.

60
00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:55,000
Look out, PTA meetings...

61
00:02:55,043 --> 00:02:58,526
I'll bring the P.
She'll bring the T&A.

62
00:02:58,569 --> 00:03:00,658
All right, come on, Oleg.
I'm ready for my first shot.

63
00:03:00,702 --> 00:03:02,312
Come on, let's go
to the ladies' room

64
00:03:02,356 --> 00:03:04,445
so you can poke me
real good.

65
00:03:04,488 --> 00:03:07,796
You're not poking her
anywhere in here.

66
00:03:07,839 --> 00:03:12,453
Thanks to you, the handicap
stall is a condom graveyard!

67
00:03:12,496 --> 00:03:15,412
Sophie, you know I'm only
afraid of two things--

68
00:03:15,456 --> 00:03:19,460
needles and Kenny Rogers
after the eyelift.

69
00:03:19,503 --> 00:03:22,245
He did not know
when to fold 'em.

70
00:03:23,899 --> 00:03:26,075
Someone else will have to
give you your shots.

71
00:03:26,118 --> 00:03:27,946
Well, I guess I could do it.

72
00:03:27,990 --> 00:03:29,296
Roll up your sleeve.

73
00:03:29,339 --> 00:03:31,428
Okay, yeah.

74
00:03:31,472 --> 00:03:34,475
I'll roll up my sleeve...
and then pull down my Spanx,

75
00:03:34,518 --> 00:03:38,957
'cause you gotta put it
where the sun don't shine, baby.

76
00:03:39,001 --> 00:03:41,569
Uh...this is a little
awkward, but Sophie,

77
00:03:41,612 --> 00:03:46,400
I was unaware I'd be
injecting your badonkadonk.

78
00:03:46,442 --> 00:03:48,184
Okay, Han.

79
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:50,621
Take my hand...

80
00:03:50,665 --> 00:03:52,841
That's right.
Mm-hmm.

81
00:03:52,884 --> 00:03:55,322
That's real good.
All right, come on.

82
00:03:55,365 --> 00:03:56,714
And I'm gonna take you now

83
00:03:56,758 --> 00:03:59,978
to show you
your first lady butt.

84
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:06,811
Now, there's
a heart-warming tableau

85
00:04:06,855 --> 00:04:09,553
that Norman Rockwell
somehow missed.

86
00:04:09,597 --> 00:04:11,947
Hello, ladies.

87
00:04:11,990 --> 00:04:15,080
Earl!
I'm so glad you're alive.

88
00:04:15,124 --> 00:04:18,475
You always go
straight to dead, Max.

89
00:04:18,519 --> 00:04:21,086
But thanks for sending
the paramedics.

90
00:04:21,130 --> 00:04:24,829
I needed help finding
my Apple TV remote.

91
00:04:26,091 --> 00:04:28,050
I was stuck on the phone
with Barry

92
00:04:28,093 --> 00:04:30,792
from my old jazz band
The Early Birds.

93
00:04:30,835 --> 00:04:33,969
You may have read about us
in "Never Made It" magazine.

94
00:04:34,012 --> 00:04:37,842
Caroline and I were on
the cover last week.

95
00:04:37,886 --> 00:04:40,323
He told me they're holding
an anniversary show

96
00:04:40,367 --> 00:04:41,716
down at Ruby's,

97
00:04:41,759 --> 00:04:43,631
and The Early Birds
are invited to perform

98
00:04:43,674 --> 00:04:45,154
on Friday night.

99
00:04:45,197 --> 00:04:47,548
[gasps]
Earl!

100
00:04:47,591 --> 00:04:51,073
One of my dreams
is to hear you play live.

101
00:04:51,116 --> 00:04:52,683
And the other one
already happened--

102
00:04:52,727 --> 00:04:55,860
breakfast all day
at McDonald's.

103
00:04:55,904 --> 00:04:57,906
Well, I hate to burst
your McMuffin, Max,

104
00:04:57,949 --> 00:04:59,560
but that ain't
gonna happen,

105
00:04:59,603 --> 00:05:01,518
'cause I'm not
invited to play.

106
00:05:01,562 --> 00:05:03,346
Ruby doesn't want me
there.

107
00:05:03,390 --> 00:05:05,348
Ruby hates Earl.

108
00:05:05,392 --> 00:05:08,438
Well, then Max hates Ruby.

109
00:05:08,482 --> 00:05:11,398
Oh! What happened
between you and Ruby?

110
00:05:11,441 --> 00:05:13,530
Was it a crazy
love affair?

111
00:05:13,574 --> 00:05:16,838
Mm-hmm. We were hot.

112
00:05:16,881 --> 00:05:19,406
Oh! An amour fou?

113
00:05:19,449 --> 00:05:22,887
No, it was a-more I fooled
around with her sister.

114
00:05:28,371 --> 00:05:31,200
Look! [gasps]
Earl and The Early Birds!

115
00:05:31,243 --> 00:05:33,594
- Where'd you get that?
- I went down the street

116
00:05:33,637 --> 00:05:35,509
to Smart & Vinyl.

117
00:05:35,552 --> 00:05:37,032
12.95.

118
00:05:37,075 --> 00:05:39,121
You spent 12.95
on Earl's record,

119
00:05:39,164 --> 00:05:44,300
but you wouldn't lend me
25¢ for a latte yesterday?

120
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,433
Look, we gotta do
something about Earl.

121
00:05:46,476 --> 00:05:48,435
He deserves to play
at that jazz club.

122
00:05:48,478 --> 00:05:50,828
I mean, he is the only one
at this diner

123
00:05:50,872 --> 00:05:53,178
who has a chance
to make it.

124
00:05:54,571 --> 00:05:57,182
I appreciate your enthusiasm,
but of all of us here,

125
00:05:57,226 --> 00:06:01,056
you think the 80-year-old
has the brightest future?

126
00:06:01,099 --> 00:06:02,623
For as long as
I've known Earl,

127
00:06:02,666 --> 00:06:04,929
all he talked about is how proud
he was of that band.

128
00:06:04,973 --> 00:06:06,278
And that Ruby woman

129
00:06:06,322 --> 00:06:08,672
is denying him the chance
to play again?

130
00:06:08,716 --> 00:06:09,978
Not on my watch.

131
00:06:10,021 --> 00:06:11,762
If I own one.

132
00:06:11,806 --> 00:06:15,113
Which...I do not.

133
00:06:15,157 --> 00:06:16,419
We are going down
to that club

134
00:06:16,463 --> 00:06:18,203
and talk some sense
into Ruby,

135
00:06:18,247 --> 00:06:21,076
because Earl would do the same
for us if we had any talent.

136
00:06:21,119 --> 00:06:22,599
I just have to ask--

137
00:06:22,643 --> 00:06:25,080
you do think we're gonna
get out of here one day.

138
00:06:25,123 --> 00:06:26,429
Oh, for sure!

139
00:06:26,473 --> 00:06:29,084
In body bags.

140
00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:39,834
Wow, this place
is the real deal!

141
00:06:39,877 --> 00:06:42,097
All the jazz greats
sang here.

142
00:06:42,140 --> 00:06:45,534
Look--Ella Fitzgerald,
Sarah Vaughan, Nina Simone.

143
00:06:45,579 --> 00:06:47,363
You know, there was a moment
when I wanted to be--

144
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:50,322
Was there ever a moment
when you wanted to be quiet?

145
00:06:51,889 --> 00:06:54,326
Scotch on the house, please.

146
00:06:54,370 --> 00:06:56,677
Normally, I don't drink
in the afternoon,

147
00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:58,635
but it's still morning.

148
00:07:00,028 --> 00:07:01,812
I'll have a Lillet.

149
00:07:01,856 --> 00:07:04,032
I hear it was
Billie Holiday's poison.

150
00:07:04,075 --> 00:07:05,250
You know, there was
a moment when I was--

151
00:07:05,294 --> 00:07:07,383
That moment's over.

152
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,211
Sir, we're here
to see Ruby.

153
00:07:09,254 --> 00:07:12,475
Who wants to see Ruby?

154
00:07:14,956 --> 00:07:16,392
She's coming in real hot,
Max.

155
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:18,307
Maybe this
isn't a good idea.

156
00:07:18,350 --> 00:07:20,091
There's only one old
woman who scares me,

157
00:07:20,135 --> 00:07:22,877
and his name
is Steven Tyler.

158
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:24,095
I'm Ruby.

159
00:07:24,139 --> 00:07:25,575
Well...if it isn't

160
00:07:25,619 --> 00:07:29,100
"Miss doesn't invite
people to stuff."

161
00:07:29,144 --> 00:07:32,452
Who's also known as
Miss Very, Very Pretty.

162
00:07:32,495 --> 00:07:34,889
I don't need someone
to tell me that I'm pretty.

163
00:07:34,932 --> 00:07:36,412
That's what I told Roy Orbison

164
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,588
when he wrote "Pretty Woman
for me.

165
00:07:38,632 --> 00:07:40,198
What do you little girls
want?

166
00:07:40,242 --> 00:07:42,462
We're friends of Earl.

167
00:07:42,505 --> 00:07:43,985
- Of Earl?
- You know, Earl.

168
00:07:44,028 --> 00:07:45,508
From The Early Birds.

169
00:07:45,552 --> 00:07:47,815
You know, the guy who put
this club on the map.

170
00:07:47,858 --> 00:07:49,773
Oh, that Earl!

171
00:07:49,817 --> 00:07:52,341
He's a bum!

172
00:07:52,384 --> 00:07:54,778
Girl, you better
check yourself!

173
00:07:56,693 --> 00:07:59,304
No one says anything bad
about my Earl.

174
00:07:59,348 --> 00:08:02,525
Your Ear--Well, I prefer
not to go to jail

175
00:08:02,569 --> 00:08:05,049
for murdering Earl's
girlfriend, but...

176
00:08:05,093 --> 00:08:06,834
it's not that strong
a preference.

177
00:08:06,877 --> 00:08:08,183
Here, hold my hoops!

178
00:08:08,226 --> 00:08:09,489
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