1
00:00:03,046 --> 00:00:04,265
Here's your check.

2
00:00:04,308 --> 00:00:07,050
Sorry about the
entire experience.

3
00:00:07,094 --> 00:00:08,486
Ugh.

4
00:00:08,530 --> 00:00:10,314
You're gonna have to take it
the rest of the way.

5
00:00:10,358 --> 00:00:12,838
I slept funny
last year.

6
00:00:12,882 --> 00:00:14,884
You know, I happen to be
a massage therapist,

7
00:00:14,927 --> 00:00:18,061
and I happen to be broke,
so what do you say

8
00:00:18,105 --> 00:00:20,324
I get that crick
out of your neck as your tip?

9
00:00:20,368 --> 00:00:23,632
I miss being able
to just say no.

10
00:00:23,675 --> 00:00:25,199
Hold on, I have to run this
by a person

11
00:00:25,242 --> 00:00:27,070
who's been poor longer.

12
00:00:27,114 --> 00:00:31,248
Sadly, that guy over there is
offering me a massage as a tip.

13
00:00:31,292 --> 00:00:33,468
Sadly-er, I'm considering it.

14
00:00:33,511 --> 00:00:36,688
Sadly-est, you were here
when that old woman punched me

15
00:00:36,732 --> 00:00:40,475
in the breast and then
asked for change, right?

16
00:00:40,518 --> 00:00:42,172
We're not doing great.

17
00:00:42,216 --> 00:00:45,045
There's got to be somebody
doing worse than you two.

18
00:00:45,088 --> 00:00:49,266
Like that guy who got left
on Mars last year.

19
00:00:49,310 --> 00:00:50,485
Question, girls.

20
00:00:50,528 --> 00:00:52,356
I'm making a healthier menu.

21
00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:55,707
Should I advertise no trans fat,
or does that sound like

22
00:00:55,751 --> 00:01:00,669
I'm trying to keep out
Chaz Bono?

23
00:01:00,712 --> 00:01:03,846
Not now, Han,
I have a massage scheduled.

24
00:01:03,889 --> 00:01:06,196
All the stress of acting
like you're working

25
00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:07,806
starting to get to you?

26
00:01:11,114 --> 00:01:12,246
Oh.

27
00:01:12,289 --> 00:01:14,248
OLEG: Oh.

28
00:01:14,291 --> 00:01:15,858
Oh, yeah.

29
00:01:15,901 --> 00:01:18,078
Oh, yeah.

30
00:01:18,121 --> 00:01:20,080
Oh, yeah!

31
00:01:20,123 --> 00:01:23,083
Oh yeah.

32
00:01:23,126 --> 00:01:24,606
Yes!
OLEG: Yeah.

33
00:01:24,649 --> 00:01:27,739
Oh, yes!
OLEG: [moaning]

34
00:01:27,783 --> 00:01:29,089
Yes!

35
00:01:29,132 --> 00:01:30,438
Oh...yes!

36
00:01:30,481 --> 00:01:31,700
Yes! Yes!

37
00:01:31,743 --> 00:01:33,963
[bell ringing]
CAROLINE: Yes, yes, yes!

38
00:01:34,006 --> 00:01:35,878
[squealing]

39
00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:38,837
[bell ringing]

40
00:01:42,363 --> 00:01:44,973
I just had
what she's having.

41
00:01:47,194 --> 00:01:49,500
[Peter Bjorn and John]
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

42
00:01:49,544 --> 00:01:50,719
[cash register bell dings]

43
00:01:50,762 --> 00:01:55,463
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

44
00:02:00,337 --> 00:02:01,512
Max, are you busy right now?

45
00:02:01,556 --> 00:02:04,254
- No, I'm at work.
- Cool.

46
00:02:04,298 --> 00:02:06,082
I'm gonna call
a staff meeting.

47
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:09,259
I used to call my driver to pick
up sushi during Gilmore Girls,

48
00:02:09,303 --> 00:02:12,132
but now I call
staff meetings at a diner.

49
00:02:12,175 --> 00:02:13,742
Hey!

50
00:02:13,785 --> 00:02:17,441
Only I can call staff meetings
at the diner.

51
00:02:17,485 --> 00:02:19,487
It's one of the perks
of the job.

52
00:02:19,530 --> 00:02:22,228
Well, it's the perk
of the job.

53
00:02:22,272 --> 00:02:24,666
Well, it's okay.

54
00:02:24,709 --> 00:02:26,624
The staff meeting
is about the dessert bar

55
00:02:26,668 --> 00:02:28,496
Max and I are opening
in our cupcake window.

56
00:02:28,539 --> 00:02:30,541
If you want, Han,
you can call the meeting,

57
00:02:30,585 --> 00:02:32,239
but I can't imagine
you'd be petty enough

58
00:02:32,281 --> 00:02:33,892
to take the thrill
away from Caroline.

59
00:02:33,936 --> 00:02:36,286
Staff meeting!

60
00:02:36,329 --> 00:02:37,635
See, this is what happens

61
00:02:37,679 --> 00:02:42,074
when the mother cat
refuses to lick the runt.

62
00:02:42,118 --> 00:02:45,165
Okay, so I'm checking
on the dessert bar assignments

63
00:02:45,208 --> 00:02:46,427
I gave everyone.

64
00:02:46,470 --> 00:02:47,950
Earl, did you call your cousin

65
00:02:47,993 --> 00:02:50,039
at that liquor distributor
about getting us a discount?

66
00:02:50,082 --> 00:02:51,475
Now, why would I call him?

67
00:02:51,519 --> 00:02:56,045
I owe him $10,000
and a kidney.

68
00:02:56,088 --> 00:02:58,003
So that's a "not yet."

69
00:02:58,047 --> 00:02:59,701
I haven't done
my thing, either.

70
00:02:59,744 --> 00:03:02,486
[laughs]

71
00:03:02,530 --> 00:03:04,836
Caroline, with all your money
from Hollywood,

72
00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:07,274
you could pay other people
to do this stuff...

73
00:03:07,317 --> 00:03:11,016
and also replace the
transmission on a 2012 Yaris.

74
00:03:11,060 --> 00:03:14,846
We have to save all our movie
money for the dessert bar.

75
00:03:14,890 --> 00:03:18,502
Believe it or not, my boobs
can't get us zoning permits.

76
00:03:18,546 --> 00:03:21,984
But they did get us kicked out
of an architect's office.

77
00:03:22,027 --> 00:03:24,334
Oleg, did you talk to your
connection at City Hall

78
00:03:24,378 --> 00:03:25,857
about expediting
our liquor license?

79
00:03:25,901 --> 00:03:29,034
Yes, she told me,
"Don't ever sneak into my home

80
00:03:29,078 --> 00:03:31,907
through the bathroom
window again."

81
00:03:31,950 --> 00:03:33,648
Oh, this is rich.

82
00:03:33,691 --> 00:03:36,041
Now you two see
some of the hell I go through

83
00:03:36,085 --> 00:03:37,434
as a small business owner.

84
00:03:37,478 --> 00:03:39,523
No, you go through hell
'cause nobody wants to

85
00:03:39,567 --> 00:03:43,962
see your small business.

86
00:03:44,006 --> 00:03:45,964
Staff meeting over!

87
00:03:46,008 --> 00:03:48,271
Small staff meeting.

88
00:03:48,315 --> 00:03:49,664
Max, your boyfriend
is a lawyer.

89
00:03:49,707 --> 00:03:51,100
When you're at his
hotel tonight,

90
00:03:51,143 --> 00:03:52,884
can you ask him to look
at our liquor license?

91
00:03:52,928 --> 00:03:55,191
Also, could you fill an
ice bucket with mini shampoos

92
00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:56,366
and bring it home?

93
00:03:56,410 --> 00:03:57,889
No on both counts.

94
00:03:57,933 --> 00:03:59,935
You're not using Randy
for legal advice.

95
00:03:59,978 --> 00:04:02,242
And as for the shampoo,
they switched to a pump

96
00:04:02,285 --> 00:04:06,071
bolted to the wall,
'cause I was getting greedy.

97
00:04:06,115 --> 00:04:07,725
Hey, Randy.

98
00:04:07,769 --> 00:04:08,770
Hey, Earl.

99
00:04:08,813 --> 00:04:10,728
Saw your rant on Twitter
last night.

100
00:04:10,772 --> 00:04:13,296
And I agree;
what self-respecting Sizzler

101
00:04:13,340 --> 00:04:15,037
runs out of Sprite?

102
00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:16,733
I put that on Twitter?

103
00:04:16,778 --> 00:04:19,954
I thought I was writing
an email to my brother.

104
00:04:21,435 --> 00:04:23,524
Hey there, beautiful.

105
00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:25,482
Mm.

106
00:04:27,528 --> 00:04:30,705
So I thought we'd try
something different tonight.

107
00:04:30,748 --> 00:04:32,750
You on top?

108
00:04:32,794 --> 00:04:34,839
No, I'm not talking
about changing

109
00:04:34,883 --> 00:04:37,364
our whole power dynamic.

110
00:04:37,407 --> 00:04:39,757
I'm talking about staying
at your apartment.

111
00:04:39,801 --> 00:04:42,543
So, you on bottom?

112
00:04:42,586 --> 00:04:44,675
'Cause that's where I live.

113
00:04:44,719 --> 00:04:46,024
No, really.

114
00:04:46,068 --> 00:04:48,418
We're living in a fantasy world,
that hotel room.

115
00:04:48,462 --> 00:04:50,420
I mean, a really
sexy fantasy world,

116
00:04:50,464 --> 00:04:52,379
with people cleaning up after us

117
00:04:52,422 --> 00:04:54,555
and a maid who knew you
from high school.

118
00:04:54,598 --> 00:04:59,386
Boy, was she surprised
to see me naked and alive.

119
00:04:59,429 --> 00:05:01,779
I know I always am.

120
00:05:01,823 --> 00:05:03,955
And Max, I've been
to your apartment.

121
00:05:03,999 --> 00:05:05,305
It wasn't that bad.

122
00:05:05,348 --> 00:05:08,220
Uh, okay, fine.
We can stay at my place.

123
00:05:08,264 --> 00:05:09,744
But it's BYOC.

124
00:05:09,787 --> 00:05:12,834
Bring your own
carbon monoxide detector.

125
00:05:17,099 --> 00:05:18,448
Well, here we are.

126
00:05:18,492 --> 00:05:20,972
Slum, sweet slum.

127
00:05:21,016 --> 00:05:23,148
She says that every time
she walks in here.

128
00:05:23,192 --> 00:05:25,890
It's usually to scare the crack
addict out of our kitchen.

129
00:05:27,109 --> 00:05:29,329
Allen, are you here?

130
00:05:29,372 --> 00:05:31,243
All right,
well, this is it.

131
00:05:31,287 --> 00:05:32,636
What do you want to do now?

132
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:35,770
We usually go to sleep
so death comes sooner.

133
00:05:35,813 --> 00:05:38,468
RANDY: You guys,
I can handle an apartment.

134
00:05:38,512 --> 00:05:40,209
Don't let my
broad shoulders, stubble,

135
00:05:40,252 --> 00:05:43,604
and Adam's apple confuse you;
I am, in fact, a man.

136
00:05:43,647 --> 00:05:46,258
Coming up straight ahead
is the kitchen.

137
00:05:46,302 --> 00:05:47,564
But I don't have to
tell you that.

138
00:05:47,608 --> 00:05:49,697
You can smell the gas.

139
00:05:49,740 --> 00:05:53,570
Fun fact: those paper towels
you see aren't actually paper,

140
00:05:53,614 --> 00:05:55,920
but they do cause cancer.

141
00:05:55,964 --> 00:05:57,139
[knocking]

142
00:05:57,182 --> 00:05:58,836
Ooh, let me guess:
the Grim Reaper?

143
00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:02,362
No, the Grim Reaper comes on
Tuesdays and Thursdays.

144
00:06:04,407 --> 00:06:06,366
Hey, girls.

145
00:06:10,065 --> 00:06:13,721
And Randy.
Oh.

146
00:06:13,764 --> 00:06:17,332
Someone's been taking
his handsome pills.

147
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,509
Well, they make them
in chewable now.

148
00:06:19,553 --> 00:06:22,120
Makes it a lot easier.

149
00:06:22,164 --> 00:06:23,339
Oh, Randy's here?

150
00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:25,515
Hey, hey, hey, bro.

151
00:06:25,559 --> 00:06:27,038
We should hang
upstairs later.

152
00:06:27,082 --> 00:06:29,867
We can eat pizza
and watch dirty movies.

153
00:06:29,911 --> 00:06:33,957
It's not delivery;
it's DiPorno.

154
00:06:34,002 --> 00:06:36,657
That's a hard no.

155
00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:40,878
Girls, we need to store
some stuff in your place.

156
00:06:40,922 --> 00:06:43,968
Oleg and I are baby-proofing
our apartment.

157
00:06:44,012 --> 00:06:46,406
My mom baby-proofed
our house for me.

158
00:06:46,449 --> 00:06:49,191
She put a club
on the steering wheel.

159
00:06:49,234 --> 00:06:51,236
So in this duffle bag,
I have--

160
00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:52,412
He's opening it!

161
00:06:52,455 --> 00:06:53,891
Randy, close your eyes!

162
00:06:53,935 --> 00:06:55,284
Relax.

163
00:06:55,327 --> 00:06:56,894
It's just swords

164
00:06:56,938 --> 00:06:58,679
and sex toys.

165
00:06:58,722 --> 00:07:00,898
Oh, I think
one of them's both.

166
00:07:00,942 --> 00:07:05,076
Are you referring
to sex-calibur?

167
00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:07,731
Oh, I love this one.

168
00:07:07,775 --> 00:07:09,341
This is the sword we used

169
00:07:09,385 --> 00:07:13,389
when we were playing
Bonan the Barbarian.

170
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:14,782
SOPHIE: And you know what?

171
00:07:14,825 --> 00:07:18,307
It's good to give to
the less sexually fortunate.

172
00:07:18,350 --> 00:07:19,613
Yeah.

173
00:07:19,656 --> 00:07:22,746
The sex toys are for you,
Caroline.

174
00:07:22,790 --> 00:07:25,619
I'm good,
I had a massage.

175
00:07:30,972 --> 00:07:32,930
Hiya!

176
00:07:32,974 --> 00:07:34,976
What are you doing?

177
00:07:35,019 --> 00:07:37,761
This is how all the great ninjas
eat their bagels.

178
00:07:37,805 --> 00:07:39,110
CAROLINE: Where's Randy?

179
00:07:39,154 --> 00:07:42,287
Did he go back to the
land of not-expired milk,

180
00:07:42,331 --> 00:07:43,854
and not-expired honey?

181
00:07:43,898 --> 00:07:45,813
No, he's stronger
than I thought.

182
00:07:45,856 --> 00:07:49,164
Much like that little person
I arm wrestled at Chelsea Piers.

183
00:07:50,644 --> 00:07:52,689
I love it here.

184
00:07:52,733 --> 00:07:54,952
I just took the grayest shower
of my life.

185
00:07:54,996 --> 00:07:57,912
Did you just say "grayest"
or "greatest"?

186
00:07:57,955 --> 00:07:59,130
No, I said gray.

187
00:07:59,174 --> 00:08:00,523
I was being kind.

188
00:08:00,567 --> 00:08:02,264
It was brown.

189
00:08:02,307 --> 00:08:05,702
All right, well, come on,
your sword bagel is ready.

190
00:08:05,746 --> 00:08:08,749
God, I do miss having sex.

191
00:08:09,924 --> 00:08:11,578
Also, what is the deal with--

192
00:08:11,621 --> 00:08:13,580
Oh!
God! Oh!

193
00:08:13,623 --> 00:08:15,364
Ugh, I just stepped on
something painful.

194
00:08:15,407 --> 00:08:17,322
Really painful!

195
00:08:17,366 --> 00:08:19,455
Is there a nail sticking up
through the floor?

196
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:20,761
[gasps]

197
00:08:20,804 --> 00:08:22,850
Oh no, he stepped on
Nail Patrick Harris!

198
00:08:22,893 --> 00:08:26,157
Oh, I forgot to warn you
about that stupid nail.

199
00:08:26,201 --> 00:08:28,682
It's been there forever.
I just know to avoid it by now.

200
00:08:28,725 --> 00:08:30,292
Everyone does;
that's why we named it

201
00:08:30,335 --> 00:08:32,120
"Nail Patrick Harris."

202
00:08:32,163 --> 00:08:33,337
Are you okay?

203
00:08:33,381 --> 00:08:34,688
You look like you're
in a lot of pain.

204
00:08:34,731 --> 00:08:35,905
Do you want to roll the dice

205
00:08:35,950 --> 00:08:37,429
with one of the pills
in the couch?

206
00:08:37,472 --> 00:08:38,692
I'm fine.
It's not that bad.

207
00:08:38,735 --> 00:08:40,911
Okay, well lift up your foot.
Let me see.

208
00:08:40,955 --> 00:08:43,871
[grunting]

209
00:08:49,006 --> 00:08:50,051
[screaming]

210
00:08:50,094 --> 00:08:52,227
Oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God!

211
00:08:53,881 --> 00:08:55,012
Randy?

212
00:08:55,056 --> 00:08:57,493
This is bad.

213
00:08:57,537 --> 00:09:00,757
I think we have to
take you to Hapitalito.

214
00:09:00,801 --> 00:09:02,759
Well, I must be losing
consciousness.

215
00:09:02,803 --> 00:09:04,065
That sounded like gibberish.

216
00:09:04,108 --> 00:09:05,806
No, you heard me right,
I said Hapitalito.

217
00:09:05,849 --> 00:09:07,329
That's our
healthcare provider.

218
00:09:07,372 --> 00:09:09,592
It's a guy with a shopping cart
filled with Band-Aids,

219
00:09:09,636 --> 00:09:10,811
and most of them
aren't used.

220
00:09:10,854 --> 00:09:12,943
Max, I have insurance.

221
00:09:12,987 --> 00:09:14,945
Well, I don't think
he takes insurance,

222
00:09:14,989 --> 00:09:17,469
but if you have
old TCBY cards,

223
00:09:17,513 --> 00:09:20,124
five is good for
"uno surgeria."

224
00:09:20,168 --> 00:09:22,649
Well, maybe it stopped.

225
00:09:22,692 --> 00:09:25,826
[screaming]

226
00:09:28,655 --> 00:09:31,745
I'm Carrie!
I'm Carrie at the prom!

227
00:09:33,094 --> 00:09:35,183
Caroline, come on,
we have to go.

228
00:09:35,226 --> 00:09:38,316
I'm already covered in blood.
Just leave me to die.

229
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:39,796
MAX: Oh, calm down!

230
00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:42,146
If this had happened with
any of my regular type of guys,

231
00:09:42,190 --> 00:09:44,758
you'd be halfway to
Hep C right now.

232
00:09:47,369 --> 00:09:48,762
Help! Help!

233
00:09:48,805 --> 00:09:50,677
My apartment tried
to kill my boyfriend!

234
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:51,895
He's gonna die!

235
00:09:51,939 --> 00:09:54,028
I'm not gonna die,
Max.

236
00:09:54,071 --> 00:09:56,030
Although, this CVS bag
you tied around my foot

237
00:09:56,073 --> 00:09:57,727
has completely cut off
the circulation.

238
00:09:57,771 --> 00:10:01,165
And the ten-foot receipt's
caught in the wound.

239
00:10:02,645 --> 00:10:04,647
My boyfriend needs
medical attention.

240
00:10:04,691 --> 00:10:06,170
Oh, really?

241
00:10:06,214 --> 00:10:08,520
I thought he was here
for a sensible pantsuit

242
00:10:08,564 --> 00:10:11,349
at a reasonable price.

243
00:10:11,393 --> 00:10:14,004
Oh, I recognize you

244
00:10:14,048 --> 00:10:15,876
from the last time
we were in here.

245
00:10:15,919 --> 00:10:17,529
I wasn't attracted to you then,

246
00:10:17,573 --> 00:10:20,489
but I see you've added balding
and a beard to the mix.

247
00:10:20,532 --> 00:10:22,752
Ha, ha,
I remember you too.

248
00:10:22,796 --> 00:10:25,450
The devil wears Target.

249
00:10:25,494 --> 00:10:27,583
We need a good doctor,

250
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:30,804
so he better not
be from America.

251
00:10:30,847 --> 00:10:32,457
'Cause he has insurance.

252
00:10:32,501 --> 00:10:34,068
Show him the card, Randy.

253
00:10:34,111 --> 00:10:35,286
[gasps]

254
00:10:35,330 --> 00:10:36,984
Could I touch it?

255
00:10:39,682 --> 00:10:42,119
Oh, good for you, a PPO.

256
00:10:42,163 --> 00:10:45,601
You know, I cleaned up
some PPO right there.

257
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,516
Come on, this is serious!

258
00:10:47,559 --> 00:10:49,736
He might have "Tetris"!

259
00:10:49,779 --> 00:10:53,783
He's got the beloved
Russian puzzle game?

260
00:10:53,827 --> 00:10:55,785
Are you sure he doesn't
have a case of the

261
00:10:55,829 --> 00:10:58,309
Super Mario Brothers?

262
00:10:58,353 --> 00:11:00,877
Well, there's a lot
of people ahead of you,

263
00:11:00,921 --> 00:11:03,140
so why don't you take
your boyfriend's boo boo

264
00:11:03,184 --> 00:11:04,664
and sit down?

265
00:11:04,707 --> 00:11:06,143
Fine.

266
00:11:06,187 --> 00:11:08,493
But he better not die,
'cause if he does,

267
00:11:08,537 --> 00:11:12,236
I'm gonna take those buttons
and pin them to your sack.

268
00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:14,717
Promise?

269
00:11:16,632 --> 00:11:17,764
Damn it!

270
00:11:17,807 --> 00:11:19,374
I guess we're gonna
be here forever.

271
00:11:19,417 --> 00:11:23,030
The exact amount of time
Caroline's shower took.

272
00:11:23,073 --> 00:11:24,988
Oh, so it's my fault
your boyfriend

273
00:11:25,032 --> 00:11:27,774
Freddy Krueger-ed
all over me?

274
00:11:27,817 --> 00:11:29,732
Caroline, I am so sorry.

275
00:11:29,776 --> 00:11:30,994
That's okay, Randy.

276
00:11:31,038 --> 00:11:32,387
You can make it up to me.

277
00:11:32,430 --> 00:11:33,910
Right now!

278
00:11:33,954 --> 00:11:36,086
I just so happen to have our
liquor license application,

279
00:11:36,130 --> 00:11:37,914
if you want to
take a look-see.

280
00:11:37,958 --> 00:11:41,091
Do you also want to be pinned to
that albino's sack, Caroline?

281
00:11:44,573 --> 00:11:46,270
Okay, coming through.

282
00:11:46,314 --> 00:11:47,881
Okay, let me clear a path.

283
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:54,670
Now I know how
my grandma Dorothy felt.

284
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:55,845
Oh, good, you're back.

285
00:11:55,889 --> 00:11:57,281
Randy,
are you okay?

286
00:11:57,325 --> 00:11:58,500
Oh, I'm fine.

287
00:11:58,543 --> 00:12:00,502
Did some shopping
after you left the ER.

288
00:12:00,545 --> 00:12:03,331
Like my new bag?

289
00:12:03,374 --> 00:12:04,549
Ooh.

290
00:12:04,593 --> 00:12:05,812
If you need
a clutch to match,

291
00:12:05,855 --> 00:12:09,076
I have something
similar in Ziploc.

292
00:12:09,119 --> 00:12:11,948
Because the nail was rusted
and the open wound

293
00:12:11,992 --> 00:12:15,082
touched our floor, they gave
Randy an IV of antibiotics.

294
00:12:15,125 --> 00:12:18,607
And not even a whisper
of Vicodin for old Maxie.

295
00:12:18,650 --> 00:12:20,827
Well, Max, one of us
has to go to work

296
00:12:20,870 --> 00:12:22,785
and pretend
both of us are there.

297
00:12:22,829 --> 00:12:24,004
Well, it's gonna
have to be you.

298
00:12:24,047 --> 00:12:25,657
I can't leave Randy here.

299
00:12:25,701 --> 00:12:29,705
It's like a haunted house,
but the dangers are real.

300
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,925
Max, you're
going to work.

301
00:12:31,968 --> 00:12:33,622
I'll be fine here.

302
00:12:33,665 --> 00:12:36,494
I had a time-share
with Sean Penn.

303
00:12:38,627 --> 00:12:40,455
I'm not going anywhere.

304
00:12:40,498 --> 00:12:42,674
It's my fault you got
nailed in my apartment,

305
00:12:42,718 --> 00:12:45,329
and I'm staying here
to protect you.

306
00:12:45,373 --> 00:12:47,418
You're going to work.

307
00:12:47,462 --> 00:12:49,072
I'll be okay.

308
00:12:49,116 --> 00:12:51,031
But you're very cute
when you're worried.

309
00:12:51,074 --> 00:12:53,511
Like when you thought the hotel
didn't get Cartoon Network.

310
00:12:54,817 --> 00:12:56,123
All right, fine.

311
00:12:56,165 --> 00:12:58,168
But call me if you
need me to come back.

312
00:12:58,212 --> 00:13:01,041
I'll tell Han I'm working
the rest of my shift from home.

313
00:13:04,174 --> 00:13:05,219
Oh, my God!

314
00:13:05,262 --> 00:13:06,786
I just remembered
I didn't tell Randy

315
00:13:06,829 --> 00:13:08,265
about the pothole
in my bedroom.

316
00:13:08,309 --> 00:13:09,963
Max, relax.

317
00:13:10,006 --> 00:13:11,268
I haven't seen you
this anxious

318
00:13:11,312 --> 00:13:13,270
since the Dominos
pizza tracker went down.

319
00:13:13,314 --> 00:13:14,837
Look, woman!

320
00:13:14,881 --> 00:13:17,100
Randy came to New York to see if
our relationship could work,

321
00:13:17,144 --> 00:13:18,623
but we never should have
left that hotel.

322
00:13:18,667 --> 00:13:20,887
It's like when you go to Vegas
and wander off the strip

323
00:13:20,930 --> 00:13:22,802
and wind up in a
residential neighborhood.

324
00:13:22,845 --> 00:13:24,412
You can't come back
from that.

325
00:13:24,455 --> 00:13:27,937
It's how I wound up living
two years in someone's shed.

326
00:13:27,981 --> 00:13:30,244
I suppose the motivational
newsletter

327
00:13:30,287 --> 00:13:32,376
I sent out this morning
didn't do any good.

328
00:13:32,420 --> 00:13:36,816
I don't even know why I bother
publishing What's Going Han?

329
00:13:36,859 --> 00:13:40,384
I like the comic strip
about the fat squirrel.

330
00:13:40,428 --> 00:13:42,909
That picture was me!

331
00:13:42,952 --> 00:13:45,955
It can't be you;
he had nuts.

332
00:13:45,999 --> 00:13:48,653
And that lady
at table four ordered

333
00:13:48,697 --> 00:13:52,005
before she started knitting
that sweater she's now wearing.

334
00:13:54,007 --> 00:13:55,878
[cell phone rings]

335
00:13:55,922 --> 00:13:57,053
Oh, good, it's Randy.

336
00:13:57,097 --> 00:13:58,663
Hey, I forgot to tell you,

337
00:13:58,707 --> 00:14:00,100
you can't drink the tap water

338
00:14:00,143 --> 00:14:02,754
within five minutes after
flushing the toilet.

339
00:14:02,798 --> 00:14:05,279
Well, can you
make yourself throw up?

340
00:14:05,322 --> 00:14:06,280
[bell dings]

341
00:14:06,323 --> 00:14:09,065
Pickup:
breakfast burrito.

342
00:14:09,109 --> 00:14:11,328
Randy called our landlord

343
00:14:11,372 --> 00:14:13,417
to complain about
Nail Patrick Harris!

344
00:14:13,461 --> 00:14:16,856
I'd rather see him host
something than Ricky Gervais.

345
00:14:16,899 --> 00:14:19,859
We get it: you're mean,
you fat bastard.

346
00:14:19,902 --> 00:14:22,035
Randy called the landlord?

347
00:14:22,078 --> 00:14:23,775
But we're illegal subletters!

348
00:14:23,819 --> 00:14:25,560
We're squatters there!

349
00:14:25,603 --> 00:14:27,344
And over most toilets.

350
00:14:27,388 --> 00:14:29,520
Come on, Caroline,
we have to get to the apartment

351
00:14:29,564 --> 00:14:31,696
before the landlord does.

352
00:14:31,740 --> 00:14:32,915
You're leaving?

353
00:14:32,959 --> 00:14:35,091
The tollbooth operator
who won Powerball

354
00:14:35,135 --> 00:14:37,267
stayed at their job longer.

355
00:14:40,096 --> 00:14:41,924
Randy, we got to go!

356
00:14:41,968 --> 00:14:44,187
I'll start packing!
You saddle up Chestnut.

357
00:14:44,231 --> 00:14:45,885
Yeah, I know the drill:
one pair of shoes,

358
00:14:45,928 --> 00:14:47,234
something you can carry
on your back,

359
00:14:47,277 --> 00:14:48,670
and a sun hat for Guatemala--

360
00:14:48,713 --> 00:14:50,628
I mean, wherever we're headed.

361
00:14:52,195 --> 00:14:54,415
Randy, you better drink up
the rest of the that IV fluid,

362
00:14:54,458 --> 00:14:56,547
'cause carrying that around
is just gonna slow us down.

363
00:14:56,591 --> 00:14:57,984
Max, what in the hell
is going on?

364
00:14:58,027 --> 00:14:59,289
Why are you freaking out?

365
00:14:59,333 --> 00:15:01,161
I called the landlord
about a nail,

366
00:15:01,204 --> 00:15:03,728
not the FBI about
your passport...

367
00:15:03,772 --> 00:15:06,122
Frank Delaport.

368
00:15:06,166 --> 00:15:08,690
Randy, we're not on the lease
to this apartment.

369
00:15:08,733 --> 00:15:10,300
Oh...

370
00:15:10,344 --> 00:15:12,128
Okay, I'm ready.

371
00:15:12,172 --> 00:15:14,043
I just need ten minutes
to saddle up Chestnut.

372
00:15:14,087 --> 00:15:16,654
It'll give me time
to practice my accent.

373
00:15:16,698 --> 00:15:18,047
We're totally screwed now.

374
00:15:18,091 --> 00:15:19,396
Thanks a lot.

375
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:21,616
This is why we should have
stayed in the hotel.

376
00:15:21,659 --> 00:15:25,141
You could have screwed me there
and I would have loved it.

377
00:15:25,185 --> 00:15:26,577
Max, I just didn't want you

378
00:15:26,621 --> 00:15:28,928
to live with a nail
sticking out of your floor,

379
00:15:28,971 --> 00:15:30,364
and I knew you wouldn't
fix it yourself.

380
00:15:30,407 --> 00:15:32,192
What is that
supposed to mean?

381
00:15:32,235 --> 00:15:33,410
It's like you don't realize

382
00:15:33,454 --> 00:15:35,021
you don't have to
live like this.

383
00:15:35,064 --> 00:15:36,413
Oh, great.

384
00:15:36,457 --> 00:15:37,937
It's like I'm
in a relationship

385
00:15:37,980 --> 00:15:40,374
with my high school
guidance counselor.

386
00:15:42,550 --> 00:15:44,987
Again.

387
00:15:46,467 --> 00:15:48,773
You know, your life
can be a whole lot better

388
00:15:48,817 --> 00:15:50,079
than you think it can be.

389
00:15:50,123 --> 00:15:52,038
Why don't you just
hammer the nail in?

390
00:15:52,081 --> 00:15:54,475
Because we are used to it.

391
00:15:54,518 --> 00:15:58,261
We just ignore it,
like the rain in my bedroom.

392
00:15:58,305 --> 00:16:00,698
I knew my apartment
would be too real for you,

393
00:16:00,742 --> 00:16:03,136
and now it's not even
gonna be my apartment.

394
00:16:04,485 --> 00:16:07,401
All right, Max.

395
00:16:07,444 --> 00:16:09,229
I put the double saddle
on Chestnut,

396
00:16:09,272 --> 00:16:10,795
filled the satchel
with trail mix.

397
00:16:10,839 --> 00:16:13,973
That should get us to the
George Washington Bridge.

398
00:16:14,016 --> 00:16:15,887
[knocking]

399
00:16:15,931 --> 00:16:18,107
Nobody has to go anywhere.

400
00:16:18,151 --> 00:16:20,718
Not even your friend,
the giant piñata.

401
00:16:22,111 --> 00:16:24,200
- Let me deal with this.
MAX: But...

402
00:16:24,244 --> 00:16:25,288
we've never met this guy!

403
00:16:25,332 --> 00:16:26,681
All we know about him

404
00:16:26,724 --> 00:16:29,118
is that even the guy in 2A
is afraid of him,

405
00:16:29,162 --> 00:16:32,121
and he was married to
Kirstie Alley.

406
00:16:32,165 --> 00:16:33,731
I can handle myself.

407
00:16:33,775 --> 00:16:35,995
Hand me my fluids.

408
00:16:36,038 --> 00:16:38,998
That sounded not manly.

409
00:16:41,043 --> 00:16:42,740
RANDY: Hey, sport,
thanks for coming.

410
00:16:44,481 --> 00:16:45,874
He can't talk his way
out of this.

411
00:16:45,917 --> 00:16:47,223
He's wasting his time.

412
00:16:47,267 --> 00:16:48,964
He might as well be
trying to teach shapes

413
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,835
to Kendall Jenner.

414
00:16:50,879 --> 00:16:53,012
RANDY:
No, no, you listen!

415
00:16:54,143 --> 00:16:56,754
Well, Randy's dead.

416
00:16:56,798 --> 00:17:00,454
No matter how many boyfriends
I bury, it's never easy.

417
00:17:00,497 --> 00:17:03,065
I can't believe we're
getting kicked out like this.

418
00:17:03,109 --> 00:17:04,893
In my fantasy,
I bought the building

419
00:17:04,935 --> 00:17:06,763
and opened a sadness museum.

420
00:17:09,637 --> 00:17:11,682
Okay, that's it.

421
00:17:11,726 --> 00:17:12,901
Took care of the landlord.

422
00:17:12,944 --> 00:17:15,730
You killed him?

423
00:17:15,772 --> 00:17:17,732
I'll call Oleg;
we'll get his friend's truck

424
00:17:17,775 --> 00:17:19,342
and take it from here.

425
00:17:19,386 --> 00:17:22,040
Okay, first,
I believe that you have

426
00:17:22,084 --> 00:17:25,087
and would cover up a murder.

427
00:17:25,131 --> 00:17:26,306
But nobody's dead.

428
00:17:26,348 --> 00:17:27,959
I just explained to him
the situation,

429
00:17:28,002 --> 00:17:29,352
and you're not
getting kicked out.

430
00:17:29,396 --> 00:17:31,093
All right, which one of us
has to marry him?

431
00:17:31,137 --> 00:17:34,444
I'll go get my
wedding sweatpants.

432
00:17:34,488 --> 00:17:37,012
I just explained to him
that I'm a lawyer

433
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:38,796
who sustained an injury
on his property.

434
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:41,190
Then I mentioned the faulty
wiring, the gas leak,

435
00:17:41,234 --> 00:17:42,800
the various wildlife
living here,

436
00:17:42,844 --> 00:17:45,542
and, oh--
that I'm a lawyer.

437
00:17:45,586 --> 00:17:48,893
The word "lawyer" makes
people crap their pants.

438
00:17:48,937 --> 00:17:52,201
It's like the juice cleanse
of professions.

439
00:17:52,245 --> 00:17:55,291
And that is why you get
the next two months rent-free,

440
00:17:55,335 --> 00:17:56,988
and you are now officially
on the lease.

441
00:17:57,032 --> 00:17:58,903
- [gasps]
- We're on the lease?

442
00:17:58,947 --> 00:18:00,122
We're legit?

443
00:18:00,166 --> 00:18:01,906
I have never been legit.

444
00:18:01,950 --> 00:18:03,299
According to my birth
certificate,

445
00:18:03,343 --> 00:18:06,128
I'm actually
a Cabbage Patch doll.

446
00:18:06,172 --> 00:18:07,521
Thank you so much, Randy.

447
00:18:07,564 --> 00:18:09,349
I'm gonna go tell Chestnut
the good news.

448
00:18:09,392 --> 00:18:10,741
CAROLINE: Chestnut!

449
00:18:10,785 --> 00:18:12,134
How about that?

450
00:18:12,178 --> 00:18:15,659
Your new name
doesn't have to be Pablo.

451
00:18:15,703 --> 00:18:17,096
Thank you.

452
00:18:17,139 --> 00:18:18,575
I don't know what
she would have done.

453
00:18:18,619 --> 00:18:21,100
She is not made
for the streets.

454
00:18:21,143 --> 00:18:23,841
She's not even made
for polyester.

455
00:18:24,973 --> 00:18:26,409
This is awkward.

456
00:18:26,453 --> 00:18:29,934
Just trying to get a horse
out of a tiny doorway.

457
00:18:29,978 --> 00:18:31,588
All right, up.

458
00:18:31,632 --> 00:18:33,590
I have to get back
to the hotel.

459
00:18:33,634 --> 00:18:35,549
Have you seen
my protective bootie?

460
00:18:35,592 --> 00:18:38,900
Wait, why are you taking your
booties back to the hotel?

461
00:18:38,943 --> 00:18:41,946
Well, you're obviously not
comfortable with me being here.

462
00:18:41,990 --> 00:18:43,905
No one's comfortable
being here.

463
00:18:43,948 --> 00:18:45,385
It's here.

464
00:18:47,169 --> 00:18:48,692
Look, Max.

465
00:18:48,736 --> 00:18:50,781
I wanted to stay here because
I wanted to see how you live.

466
00:18:50,825 --> 00:18:54,568
Now I know you live on an
Indian food burial ground.

467
00:18:56,570 --> 00:18:58,006
You know what?
You're right.

468
00:18:58,049 --> 00:19:00,356
My life can be better.

469
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:03,968
We don't have hammer money
yet, so...

470
00:19:04,012 --> 00:19:07,711
[pounding]

471
00:19:07,755 --> 00:19:09,278
You know what time it is?

472
00:19:09,322 --> 00:19:11,454
It's hammer time!

473
00:19:11,498 --> 00:19:14,022
Well, that's the end of
Nail Patrick Harris.

474
00:19:14,065 --> 00:19:15,458
Are you kidding?

475
00:19:15,502 --> 00:19:18,809
With charisma like that,
he's not going anywhere.

476
00:19:18,853 --> 00:19:21,725
I think we just got through
our first fight.

477
00:19:21,769 --> 00:19:23,510
And only one of us
had to go to the hospital,

478
00:19:23,553 --> 00:19:25,207
so I think that's
pretty good.

479
00:19:25,251 --> 00:19:27,427
I think that is pretty good.

480
00:19:27,470 --> 00:19:29,994
You know what else I think?

481
00:19:30,038 --> 00:19:32,345
I love you.

482
00:19:32,388 --> 00:19:34,869
I love you too.

483
00:19:36,349 --> 00:19:37,915
CAROLINE: Aw!

484
00:19:37,959 --> 00:19:39,439
That is so sweet.

485
00:19:39,482 --> 00:19:40,831
I'll give you two
some privacy.

486
00:19:40,875 --> 00:19:42,181
I'll be in my room.

487
00:19:44,879 --> 00:19:46,620
Caroline...

488
00:19:46,663 --> 00:19:50,014
Even as a mime,
you're still hot.

489
00:19:50,058 --> 00:19:52,278
While you were at work,
I filled out your application

490
00:19:52,321 --> 00:19:54,236
for the liquor license.

491
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:57,500
Randy, I love you too.

492
00:19:57,544 --> 00:20:00,808
Sorry, the walls are thin,
and I was listening.

493
00:20:00,851 --> 00:20:03,071
[knocking]

494
00:20:03,114 --> 00:20:04,725
Hey, girls.

495
00:20:04,768 --> 00:20:08,511
And Randy.
Oh...

496
00:20:08,555 --> 00:20:11,035
I'm gonna need
my duffle bag back.

497
00:20:11,079 --> 00:20:13,081
I hate to be an Uzbeki-giver,

498
00:20:13,124 --> 00:20:17,216
but I really miss
my vibrating pearl.

499
00:20:18,695 --> 00:20:21,698
Are these supposed to be
doing other things?

500
00:20:21,742 --> 00:20:24,353
Oh, no, does this mean
you want your swords back?

501
00:20:24,397 --> 00:20:27,138
'Cause I was gonna
butter some toast later.

502
00:20:27,182 --> 00:20:29,228
I'm sorry, Caroline.

503
00:20:29,271 --> 00:20:31,621
We really missed our sex toys.

504
00:20:31,665 --> 00:20:34,972
It's not as exciting when I just
put double-A batteries in Oleg.

505
00:20:37,758 --> 00:20:40,674
[sputtering]

506
00:20:42,110 --> 00:20:43,764
MAX: That's weird.

507
00:20:43,807 --> 00:20:46,375
Sophie's the one with sex toys,
I'm the one with the boyfriend,

508
00:20:46,419 --> 00:20:48,682
and Caroline's the one
who's wet.

509
00:20:52,294 --> 00:20:54,383
[cash register bell dings]