1 00:00:00,801 --> 00:00:02,536 (upbeat rock music) 2 00:00:02,570 --> 00:00:03,537 Hey, Earl. 3 00:00:03,571 --> 00:00:04,638 It's the brand-new us 4 00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:08,109 in brand-new, gently-used outfits. 5 00:00:08,142 --> 00:00:10,778 The pit stains are vintage. 6 00:00:10,811 --> 00:00:12,780 I dug mine out of a dumpster. 7 00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:15,616 It wasn't even touching the diaper. 8 00:00:15,649 --> 00:00:19,220 I'm not used to seeing you girls in clothes. 9 00:00:19,253 --> 00:00:22,323 Things just sound creepier when you're old. 10 00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:24,658 As new part owners of the diner, 11 00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:26,060 we're making improvement. 12 00:00:26,094 --> 00:00:28,162 Heh, not in the food or decor 13 00:00:28,196 --> 00:00:30,531 'cause LOL. 14 00:00:30,564 --> 00:00:32,500 But we're just gonna look better. 15 00:00:34,768 --> 00:00:36,304 Oleg, did you hear the news? 16 00:00:36,337 --> 00:00:38,406 We're not wearing uniforms anymore. 17 00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:39,473 Cool. 18 00:00:39,507 --> 00:00:40,474 Let's do it. 19 00:00:42,843 --> 00:00:44,778 Just say the word. 20 00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:48,149 The underwear is tear-away too. 21 00:00:48,182 --> 00:00:51,652 Don't say words. 22 00:00:51,685 --> 00:00:53,221 Oh, God! 23 00:00:53,254 --> 00:00:56,290 I think I just looked into the eye of the tiger. 24 00:00:56,324 --> 00:00:58,526 Oh, it's my roach friend, Pierre. 25 00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:01,262 Bonjour, Pierre. 26 00:01:01,295 --> 00:01:03,831 Au revoir, Pierre. 27 00:01:03,864 --> 00:01:06,100 (both scream) 28 00:01:06,134 --> 00:01:07,468 Stop, drop, and roll! 29 00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:08,302 (both screaming) 30 00:01:08,336 --> 00:01:09,303 MAX: You're on fire. 31 00:01:09,337 --> 00:01:10,838 CAROLINE: You're on fire. 32 00:01:10,871 --> 00:01:13,174 Now scissor a little. It can't hurt. 33 00:01:14,475 --> 00:01:16,644 (Peter Bjorn and John) * Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh 34 00:01:16,677 --> 00:01:18,279 (cash register bell dings) 35 00:01:18,312 --> 00:01:21,649 * Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh 36 00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:28,389 Okay, now that no one can see Oleg's nipples, 37 00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:29,723 let's start. 38 00:01:29,757 --> 00:01:32,493 As you know, Max and I are part owners of the diner. 39 00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:33,727 You been telling us every damn day 40 00:01:33,761 --> 00:01:37,331 like a skinny cuckoo clock. 41 00:01:37,365 --> 00:01:38,466 Which reminds me, 42 00:01:38,499 --> 00:01:42,303 I timed my medication to it. 43 00:01:42,336 --> 00:01:43,737 Pill me, Earl. 44 00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:45,339 What was that? 45 00:01:45,373 --> 00:01:46,340 I don't know. 46 00:01:46,374 --> 00:01:48,909 Like to keep my body guessing. 47 00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:50,744 So what's this meeting for? 48 00:01:50,778 --> 00:01:52,746 The baby's almost here and I still have a bunch of 49 00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:54,215 new father stuff to do: 50 00:01:54,248 --> 00:01:55,048 build a crib; 51 00:01:55,082 --> 00:01:58,552 get rid of 60 yards of butt-beads. 52 00:01:58,586 --> 00:02:01,922 You can build a crib? 53 00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,857 Anyway, the big change we're talking about 54 00:02:03,891 --> 00:02:05,493 is changing right now. 55 00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:06,460 Han? 56 00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:08,229 HAN: I don't want to! 57 00:02:08,262 --> 00:02:10,664 Okay, fine. 58 00:02:13,701 --> 00:02:16,804 (cheers and applause) 59 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:21,575 Those shorts look like a cheap hotel, 60 00:02:21,609 --> 00:02:22,743 no ballroom. 61 00:02:22,776 --> 00:02:24,478 (laughter) 62 00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:26,447 I already lost my diner. 63 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:27,781 Haven't I been shamed enough? 64 00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:29,517 Ooh. Thanks for reminding me. 65 00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:30,651 Caroline? 66 00:02:34,722 --> 00:02:36,324 Now you have. 67 00:02:36,357 --> 00:02:38,792 And this is what you get for gambling on ladies' tennis 68 00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:41,795 and owing us $25,000. 69 00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:43,797 You look like Bob's "Little" Boy. 70 00:02:45,899 --> 00:02:48,902 Should we order directly into your mouth? 71 00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:54,708 Han, since the diner is now owner operated, 72 00:02:54,742 --> 00:02:57,211 if we have to wait on tables, so do you. 73 00:02:57,245 --> 00:02:59,547 You're gonna cover our shifts because our other business, 74 00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:01,849 the dessert bar, is opening in two days. 75 00:03:01,882 --> 00:03:03,851 Did you say you own a dessert bar? 76 00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:06,520 Huh--pill time. 77 00:03:06,554 --> 00:03:09,723 I don't know why I can't catch a break from you two. 78 00:03:09,757 --> 00:03:11,459 I had to put up with Max's heartbreak 79 00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:14,462 over her LA boyfriend Randy for months. 80 00:03:14,495 --> 00:03:16,997 It was more indulgent than Beyoncé's "Lemonade." 81 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:17,965 (both gasp) 82 00:03:17,998 --> 00:03:21,935 -How dare you? -She's a queen. 83 00:03:21,969 --> 00:03:24,572 The name "Randy" is off-limits in this diner, Han. 84 00:03:24,605 --> 00:03:27,241 Like ambition or fresh milk. 85 00:03:27,275 --> 00:03:29,710 Girls, while you have us trapped here, 86 00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:32,713 what the hell is a dessert bar? 87 00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:34,782 Is it cake with alcohol in it? 88 00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:36,450 Or alcohol with cake? 89 00:03:36,484 --> 00:03:38,819 'Cause either way, nobody wants to make love 90 00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:42,323 after eating a big hunk of pie. 91 00:03:42,356 --> 00:03:45,526 Earl, everybody understands the concept. 92 00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:48,462 I don't get the dessert bar thing either. 93 00:03:48,496 --> 00:03:51,732 Who wants to hear from a human mustard packet? 94 00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:53,734 Randy, Randy, Randy. Zing! 95 00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:57,338 (cheers and applause) 96 00:03:57,371 --> 00:04:00,274 Damn, baby got back. 97 00:04:00,308 --> 00:04:02,876 Thanks for the input, but I think I know what I'm doing. 98 00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:04,345 I went to Wharton. 99 00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:05,479 Wharton. 100 00:04:05,513 --> 00:04:07,448 That's my last pill. 101 00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:11,485 Hey, every-baby! 102 00:04:11,519 --> 00:04:13,921 (cheers and applause) 103 00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:16,424 Yeah, it's my due date. 104 00:04:16,457 --> 00:04:18,659 This baby is taking longer to come out 105 00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:20,828 than a Catholic from Indiana. 106 00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:25,899 Sophie, do you feel anything? 107 00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:28,902 I mean, besides the vibrating panties I got you? 108 00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:30,904 Oh, is that what that sound is? 109 00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:32,906 I thought a bee got in here. 110 00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:35,008 Well, I'll be in my booth 111 00:04:35,042 --> 00:04:37,378 waiting for my baby. 112 00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:48,722 Welcome to the Williamsburg Diner. 113 00:04:48,756 --> 00:04:51,659 I'll be your waiter, Han. 114 00:04:51,692 --> 00:04:54,628 Who's the new girl? 115 00:04:54,662 --> 00:04:56,397 I don't like her. 116 00:04:56,430 --> 00:05:00,934 * 117 00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:04,672 None of these bartenders have dessert bar experience. 118 00:05:04,705 --> 00:05:07,408 I guess that's because we made it up. 119 00:05:07,441 --> 00:05:09,710 That one guy got drunk at the M&M's store. 120 00:05:09,743 --> 00:05:11,078 That's in the ballpark. 121 00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:14,415 You just like him 'cause he gave you candy. 122 00:05:14,448 --> 00:05:15,883 It did not hurt. 123 00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:20,788 Hey. I'm here for the bartender job. 124 00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:22,390 Well, you're not holding your penis, 125 00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:25,526 so you're doing better than the last guy. 126 00:05:25,559 --> 00:05:27,595 Full disclosure: that guy's still in the running. 127 00:05:27,628 --> 00:05:31,565 Mine would be here, but he gets nervous at interviews. 128 00:05:31,599 --> 00:05:32,600 He's funny. 129 00:05:32,633 --> 00:05:34,635 He's an actual bartender. 130 00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:36,870 He's qualified, and he's still not holding his penis. 131 00:05:36,904 --> 00:05:37,905 You're hired. 132 00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:39,440 Welcome aboard, Randall. 133 00:05:39,473 --> 00:05:41,442 I hate that name. People call me "Randy." 134 00:05:41,475 --> 00:05:42,910 (scoffs) 135 00:05:42,943 --> 00:05:45,479 And we hate that name. Out you go. 136 00:05:45,513 --> 00:05:47,147 No, no, no. No, no, that's--come on. 137 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,449 He's not gonna bother me. 138 00:05:48,482 --> 00:05:50,751 He looks nothing like my Randy. 139 00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:52,453 My Randy is a 140 00:05:52,486 --> 00:05:54,988 mountain of a man. 141 00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:56,624 But life got in the way. 142 00:05:56,657 --> 00:06:00,594 He lives in LA and I was starting this dessert bar. 143 00:06:00,628 --> 00:06:02,563 Yeah, she's not over it. 144 00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:05,899 Yeah, and you really pooped the bed with the name thing. 145 00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:08,902 He could pick me up with one arm 146 00:06:08,936 --> 00:06:11,004 and carry Chinese food with the other. 147 00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:14,542 (giggles) Where'd that guy go? 148 00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:17,945 He disappeared faster than Adam Lambert. 149 00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:20,681 Max, we need to avoid any reminders of Randy. 150 00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:22,883 I can't go back to that depression you were in. 151 00:06:22,916 --> 00:06:25,152 It was so hard for me. 152 00:06:26,654 --> 00:06:27,855 Don't worry. 153 00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:29,557 I'll be okay and so will we. 154 00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:30,858 This is Williamsburg; 155 00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:33,126 you can't spit without hitting a bartender. 156 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,763 Or an artisanal pickle maker. 157 00:06:35,796 --> 00:06:36,997 Why do we live here? 158 00:06:38,532 --> 00:06:40,868 I'm here for the bartender interview. 159 00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:44,638 (cheers and applause) 160 00:06:44,672 --> 00:06:47,074 Oh, no, you two. 161 00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:48,976 How do we know him? 162 00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:51,178 (gasps) Wait a minute. 163 00:06:51,211 --> 00:06:53,514 Dad? 164 00:06:53,547 --> 00:06:55,916 You're the puppet guy that tried to sue us 165 00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:57,618 two years and three businesses ago 166 00:06:57,651 --> 00:06:58,786 by saying we injured you. 167 00:06:58,819 --> 00:07:00,688 She broke my puppet. 168 00:07:01,822 --> 00:07:04,157 Wait, we never had sex. 169 00:07:05,659 --> 00:07:07,795 Did we? 170 00:07:07,828 --> 00:07:10,197 Do you wiggle a lot? 171 00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:12,733 I do. 172 00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:14,768 But we didn't. 173 00:07:14,802 --> 00:07:19,172 Anyway, uh, since I changed psychopharmacologists, 174 00:07:19,206 --> 00:07:22,209 the puppets aren't talking to me 175 00:07:22,242 --> 00:07:24,512 as much. 176 00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:26,714 Here's my résumé. 177 00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:38,826 Please don't call the references. 178 00:07:38,859 --> 00:07:41,595 They're all jealous of me. 179 00:07:41,629 --> 00:07:44,932 Under special skills, you wrote, "Revenge." 180 00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:46,800 Oh, whoops, that was supposed to be under 181 00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:49,169 "Favorite TV Shows." 182 00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:51,104 But can't we just let bygones be bygones? 183 00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:53,607 I mean, really, I've done a lot of work on myself. 184 00:07:53,641 --> 00:07:55,008 I have found inner peace, 185 00:07:55,042 --> 00:07:57,645 and I've completely-- completely centered myself 186 00:07:57,678 --> 00:08:00,080 through a series of-- of therapy sessions 187 00:08:00,113 --> 00:08:03,216 that became intensely sexual. 188 00:08:05,553 --> 00:08:07,621 Yeah, I know. It's on your résumé. 189 00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:09,523 Him you can call. 190 00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:13,293 We don't like to work with 191 00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:15,863 nemesises. 192 00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:17,865 Nemesi? 193 00:08:17,898 --> 00:08:21,301 Let's just go with "creepy people that we hate." 194 00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:23,036 Fine. 195 00:08:23,070 --> 00:08:26,039 You two, with your porcelain skin 196 00:08:26,073 --> 00:08:28,676 and your businesses. 197 00:08:28,709 --> 00:08:30,944 I'll go back to my crappy daytime job, 198 00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:34,582 but FYI, Cagney and Lacey, 199 00:08:34,615 --> 00:08:38,318 nobody knows what the hell a dessert bar is. 200 00:08:38,351 --> 00:08:40,654 What is so hard to understand? 201 00:08:40,688 --> 00:08:41,855 It's signature cocktails 202 00:08:41,889 --> 00:08:44,257 paired with dessert confections. 203 00:08:44,291 --> 00:08:45,158 (groans) 204 00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:49,029 Why do all my enemies have to be geniuses? 205 00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:53,100 He does seem a lot better. 206 00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:55,035 Max, we open in two days; we need a bartender. 207 00:08:55,068 --> 00:08:56,770 Look, I will just take care of the drinks 208 00:08:56,804 --> 00:08:59,306 till we find the right person not named "Randy." 209 00:08:59,339 --> 00:09:02,576 Max, look around. We did it. 210 00:09:02,610 --> 00:09:04,211 And it only cost every cent we got 211 00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:05,613 from your big movie deal. 212 00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:07,047 And the weed money you were hiding 213 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:08,782 in that box labeled "not weed money." 214 00:09:08,816 --> 00:09:10,050 (giggles, gasps) 215 00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:11,719 I'm gonna go check out the bathroom again. 216 00:09:11,752 --> 00:09:13,921 You know you've made it when you have an industrial flush. 217 00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:16,757 The seat is clean. You don't even have to hover. 218 00:09:16,790 --> 00:09:18,191 Come on! 219 00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:22,162 Delivery for Max and Caroline. 220 00:09:23,864 --> 00:09:25,065 What are you wearing? 221 00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:27,134 And I don't know how this is possible, 222 00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:29,937 but you have a camel toe. 223 00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:31,939 It's my flower delivery uniform. 224 00:09:31,972 --> 00:09:34,775 I picked up a shift so I could pay you two shrews faster 225 00:09:34,808 --> 00:09:35,909 and get my diner back. 226 00:09:35,943 --> 00:09:39,012 Now, could you please sign? I left my bicycle unlocked. 227 00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:41,214 It says, "Max and Caroline, 228 00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:44,217 congratulations on your dessert bar, Randy." 229 00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:45,619 These are from Randy. 230 00:09:45,653 --> 00:09:47,821 Oh, my God. Get these out of here. 231 00:09:47,855 --> 00:09:51,324 The Upsy Daisies are our most popular item. 232 00:09:51,358 --> 00:09:53,326 Widows get into fist fights over them. 233 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:56,964 (toilet flushes) MAX: Yes! 234 00:09:56,997 --> 00:09:58,231 Han, get these out of here. 235 00:09:58,265 --> 00:09:59,833 I can't her see these. Go. 236 00:09:59,867 --> 00:10:02,302 I will make a notation that you did not tip. 237 00:10:02,335 --> 00:10:05,105 No 19-digit promo code for you. 238 00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:06,339 * * 239 00:10:08,976 --> 00:10:11,378 The mail wasn't there, but that unexplained puddle 240 00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:13,847 in the hallway is thriving. 241 00:10:13,881 --> 00:10:15,716 I'm afraid they're gonna call it a pool 242 00:10:15,749 --> 00:10:16,784 and try to raise our rent. 243 00:10:16,817 --> 00:10:18,318 Good! 244 00:10:18,351 --> 00:10:21,288 I'd love to have friends over to my puddle for a change. 245 00:10:21,321 --> 00:10:23,691 Our liquor license was supposed to come today. 246 00:10:23,724 --> 00:10:24,892 We should have gotten mail by now. 247 00:10:24,925 --> 00:10:26,860 We also should have left batteries 248 00:10:26,894 --> 00:10:28,128 in the carbon monoxide detector, 249 00:10:28,161 --> 00:10:31,031 but I got tired of all the beeping. 250 00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:34,201 Do your eyes feel bloodier than usual? 251 00:10:35,335 --> 00:10:36,970 Hey, gals! 252 00:10:37,004 --> 00:10:39,707 Yeah, nope. Still not a mother. 253 00:10:39,740 --> 00:10:42,810 Oh, I'm so bored. 254 00:10:42,843 --> 00:10:45,946 I've Netflix'd, Hulu'd, Amazoned. 255 00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:49,850 I'm about to HBO GO out of my mind. 256 00:10:49,883 --> 00:10:52,720 Sophie, where did you get those Upsy Daisies? 257 00:10:52,753 --> 00:10:54,254 Oh, Han gave them to me. 258 00:10:54,287 --> 00:10:57,825 Yeah, and he tried to sell me a time-share in the Poconos. 259 00:10:57,858 --> 00:10:59,727 Yeah, but I got to say, 260 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:01,895 I was a little intrigued. 261 00:11:01,929 --> 00:11:03,296 Sophie, you shouldn't be down here. 262 00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:05,899 There's a probable carbon monoxide leak. 263 00:11:05,933 --> 00:11:07,935 You should go check out our pool. 264 00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,271 Why did Han give you flowers? 265 00:11:11,304 --> 00:11:13,173 Is he trying to hit that? (chuckles) 266 00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:16,343 Oh, well, he'd have to reach that first. 267 00:11:16,376 --> 00:11:17,878 No, they were for you guys. 268 00:11:17,911 --> 00:11:19,880 Yeah, Caroline didn't want them. 269 00:11:19,913 --> 00:11:22,249 Yeah, but I'm not above garbage flowers. 270 00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:26,186 These are from Randy for me. 271 00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:29,990 You! 272 00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:32,392 Max, I didn't want to tell you about the flowers. 273 00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:33,927 I didn't want to upset you. 274 00:11:33,961 --> 00:11:35,195 If you don't want to upset me, 275 00:11:35,228 --> 00:11:38,298 then why do you chew salad so loudly? 276 00:11:38,331 --> 00:11:41,234 Uh, she's got a point there, Caroline. 277 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,777 I am not mad. 278 00:11:49,810 --> 00:11:50,477 You're not? 279 00:11:50,510 --> 00:11:51,879 No. 280 00:11:51,912 --> 00:11:53,914 It was really nice of Randy to send flowers 281 00:11:53,947 --> 00:11:55,916 and maybe I should call him. 282 00:11:55,949 --> 00:11:58,218 Bad idea to get in touch with Randy. 283 00:11:58,251 --> 00:11:59,820 Very bad idea, like, 284 00:11:59,853 --> 00:12:01,321 jumpsuits on short women. 285 00:12:01,354 --> 00:12:02,322 What? 286 00:12:02,355 --> 00:12:03,523 He did a nice thing 287 00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,158 and I just want to thank him. 288 00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:06,827 We'll thank him together. 289 00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:08,228 You know what people like to get nowadays? 290 00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:11,965 A handwritten note. Let me grab my stationery. 291 00:12:11,999 --> 00:12:14,267 It's a Rite Aid receipt so there's plenty of room. 292 00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,971 -Dear Randy-- -You know what? 293 00:12:18,005 --> 00:12:19,973 Just calling Randy is rude. 294 00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:21,508 Since when do you worry about rude? 295 00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:23,243 -You interrupt almost every-- -I want to FaceTime him. 296 00:12:23,276 --> 00:12:24,344 (phone beeping) 297 00:12:24,377 --> 00:12:26,113 That's much worse, and you just interrupted me ag-- 298 00:12:26,146 --> 00:12:28,115 -Hi, Randy. -Max! 299 00:12:28,148 --> 00:12:29,917 It's so great to hear from you. 300 00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:32,252 Is Caroline not there, or is she standing behind you 301 00:12:32,285 --> 00:12:34,988 with her arms folded, looking angry? 302 00:12:35,022 --> 00:12:37,157 My arms aren't folded, they're on my hips. 303 00:12:37,190 --> 00:12:38,992 And I'm not angry, but Max called you 304 00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:40,861 without my permission. 305 00:12:40,894 --> 00:12:43,496 Hi, Miss Channing. 306 00:12:43,530 --> 00:12:45,132 Max has to get off the phone. 307 00:12:45,165 --> 00:12:47,901 You're embarrassing me. 308 00:12:47,935 --> 00:12:49,402 Max, it took you three months 309 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:51,939 and a palette of Cheetos to get over him. 310 00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:54,307 RANDY: You covered the screen, not the speaker. 311 00:12:55,909 --> 00:12:57,444 You shouldn't be talking to him. 312 00:12:57,477 --> 00:12:58,879 (scoffs) 313 00:12:58,912 --> 00:13:00,180 You shouldn't be wearing blue eye shadow. 314 00:13:00,213 --> 00:13:00,814 (gasps) 315 00:13:00,848 --> 00:13:02,816 You told me it looked nice 316 00:13:02,850 --> 00:13:05,385 and now I've ruined the receipt and I can't take it back. 317 00:13:05,418 --> 00:13:07,921 RANDY: Guys, I'm getting whiplash. 318 00:13:07,955 --> 00:13:08,856 You know what? 319 00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:11,892 Everyone just calm down. 320 00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:13,560 I'm just saying thank you. 321 00:13:13,593 --> 00:13:15,428 God-uh! 322 00:13:17,364 --> 00:13:18,398 Sophie, is it time? 323 00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:19,299 Are you in labor? 324 00:13:19,332 --> 00:13:21,168 No. (panting) 325 00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:23,403 I broke my masturbating underwear. 326 00:13:24,872 --> 00:13:27,340 Ah, but you know how that goes. 327 00:13:27,374 --> 00:13:28,141 I do not 328 00:13:28,175 --> 00:13:31,078 and I will not act like I might. 329 00:13:32,079 --> 00:13:34,081 You know, you're a puzzle 330 00:13:34,114 --> 00:13:37,484 that I have no interest in solving. 331 00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:38,551 Here's your mail. 332 00:13:38,585 --> 00:13:39,452 (gasps) The mail. 333 00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:41,221 Our liquor license. 334 00:13:41,254 --> 00:13:41,955 Yeah. 335 00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:43,323 You know what, 336 00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:46,059 I think my masturbating underwear is short-circuiting, 337 00:13:46,093 --> 00:13:49,396 but--eeh--oh-- but it feels pretty good. 338 00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:55,936 Is not coming because I made a tiny mistake on the forms? 339 00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:58,638 Well, if it makes you feel any better, 340 00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:01,942 nobody knows what a dessert bar is. 341 00:14:01,975 --> 00:14:02,976 And frankly, 342 00:14:03,010 --> 00:14:05,112 it just makes people angry. 343 00:14:07,647 --> 00:14:09,016 Max, I have bad news. 344 00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:11,218 Oh, my God--you're naked! 345 00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:13,520 I'm saying thank you to Randy. 346 00:14:15,155 --> 00:14:18,926 Looks like Randy is thanking himself. 347 00:14:18,959 --> 00:14:20,193 Oh, hey, sorry about that. 348 00:14:20,227 --> 00:14:22,562 That thank you kind of got away from us. 349 00:14:24,131 --> 00:14:26,099 Max, put your pants on, we're going downtown. 350 00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:27,901 That's funny, Randy just told me 351 00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:29,436 to take them off for the same reason. 352 00:14:29,469 --> 00:14:32,272 * * 353 00:14:34,274 --> 00:14:37,344 * * 354 00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:39,112 Last time I saw a line this long, 355 00:14:39,146 --> 00:14:41,348 it went up my nose. 356 00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:44,151 And I almost married Katt Williams. 357 00:14:44,184 --> 00:14:45,018 Excuse me? 358 00:14:45,052 --> 00:14:47,087 Is there a different line for people 359 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,089 who just made one tiny mistake and it's not her fault 360 00:14:49,122 --> 00:14:51,158 'cause she was just overwhelmed at the time? 361 00:14:56,429 --> 00:14:58,231 Max, we're gonna die here. 362 00:14:58,265 --> 00:15:00,400 Ugh, finally. 363 00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:02,269 I'd give out flyers for the dessert bar, but I just saw 364 00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:05,138 someone pull an unwrapped cheese stick out of his pocket. 365 00:15:05,172 --> 00:15:08,175 I can't believe you filled out a form wrong. 366 00:15:08,208 --> 00:15:09,943 Start a business much? 367 00:15:11,278 --> 00:15:14,481 Uh, in my defense, this is kind of your fault. 368 00:15:14,514 --> 00:15:16,516 Me? How is it my fault? 369 00:15:16,549 --> 00:15:20,187 I was in a fort made out of pillows most of July. 370 00:15:20,220 --> 00:15:21,554 Or was it August? 371 00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:23,957 I don't know, you can lose track of time in a fort. 372 00:15:23,991 --> 00:15:24,824 Exactly. 373 00:15:24,857 --> 00:15:27,060 I had to jackass around this whole city 374 00:15:27,094 --> 00:15:28,661 to get the dessert bar ready while you were 375 00:15:28,695 --> 00:15:31,164 rolling in the deep, getting over Randy. 376 00:15:31,198 --> 00:15:32,599 So... 377 00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:35,202 hello from the other side. 378 00:15:37,104 --> 00:15:38,238 Girl fight. 379 00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:39,606 Worldstar. 380 00:15:41,674 --> 00:15:43,343 And now, after all that, 381 00:15:43,376 --> 00:15:46,379 I catch you going down on Randy's iPhone. 382 00:15:46,413 --> 00:15:47,380 I'm warning you right now, 383 00:15:47,414 --> 00:15:49,416 I am not bathing you again. 384 00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:52,519 Look, there is a mathematical formula 385 00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:54,387 involved in break-up sex. 386 00:15:54,421 --> 00:15:55,688 What do you know about math? 387 00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:59,326 You always leave out six when you count to ten. 388 00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:00,427 Doesn't mean you're stupid. 389 00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:02,529 A lot of persons do that. 390 00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:05,598 Typically, in a break-up, 391 00:16:05,632 --> 00:16:07,100 if you live in the same city, 392 00:16:07,134 --> 00:16:09,136 you go to the guy's house to pick up your stuff, 393 00:16:09,169 --> 00:16:09,669 and then you do it. 394 00:16:09,702 --> 00:16:11,271 That's one time. 395 00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:14,474 Then you "forget something" and he brings it to your place 396 00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:15,375 and then you do it. 397 00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:16,509 That's two. 398 00:16:16,543 --> 00:16:18,478 Then you run into each other at a bar, 399 00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:19,446 do it in the bathroom. 400 00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:20,647 Three. 401 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:23,716 Then you fake a pregnancy. That's four. 402 00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:26,319 Then he fakes an STD. That's five. 403 00:16:26,353 --> 00:16:28,988 And then you're broken up. 404 00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:32,425 There's been no math. 405 00:16:32,459 --> 00:16:34,527 (scoffs) Five is a number. 406 00:16:34,561 --> 00:16:37,097 Numbers are math. Read a book. 407 00:16:38,298 --> 00:16:40,300 Yeah. Read a book. 408 00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,502 Name a book. 409 00:16:42,535 --> 00:16:44,071 The phone book. 410 00:16:45,305 --> 00:16:48,375 This line is for municipal licenses only. 411 00:16:48,408 --> 00:16:51,411 Not driver's licenses, wedding licenses, or whatnot. 412 00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:53,280 Municipal licenses. 413 00:16:53,313 --> 00:16:55,115 If you don't know what that is, you're in the wrong line. 414 00:16:55,148 --> 00:16:56,749 How could you not know what line 415 00:16:56,783 --> 00:16:58,251 you're supposed to be standing in? 416 00:16:58,285 --> 00:16:59,719 (sighs) 417 00:17:02,655 --> 00:17:05,125 Randy, let me call you back from the bathroom. 418 00:17:05,158 --> 00:17:07,327 I know where it is. I used to work here. 419 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:08,195 Max! 420 00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:10,730 Hey, Caroline. 421 00:17:10,763 --> 00:17:13,133 Oh, Max was just thanking me for the flowers again. 422 00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:15,568 That's why I'm not wearing a shirt. 423 00:17:15,602 --> 00:17:17,670 Or pants. 424 00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:19,672 Uh, let me call you back, but keep your pants off. 425 00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:21,774 (chuckles) 426 00:17:21,808 --> 00:17:24,144 What? I am not counting that as one. 427 00:17:24,177 --> 00:17:26,079 Were you really gonna spank it 428 00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:28,248 in the middle of the municipal building? 429 00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:29,582 Spank it? 430 00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:32,085 Don't be crass, Caroline. 431 00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:34,221 Yes. 432 00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:35,388 Next! 433 00:17:35,422 --> 00:17:36,489 Ding ding ding! 434 00:17:36,523 --> 00:17:37,790 It's just some clerical error 435 00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:39,726 so we should be able to get our license today. 436 00:17:39,759 --> 00:17:40,827 Let me handle this. 437 00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:42,162 You know you have a history of 438 00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:44,331 getting slappy with bureaucrats. 439 00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:46,333 Hi. 440 00:17:46,366 --> 00:17:47,700 We got this in the mail, 441 00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:49,569 and there's been some teensy little mistake-- 442 00:17:49,602 --> 00:17:52,372 Well, well, well! 443 00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:55,575 Him! 444 00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:57,310 I've got this, Moesha. 445 00:17:57,344 --> 00:17:58,711 Why don't you go clean up your little 446 00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:02,449 Lean Cuisine explosion in the microwave? 447 00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:05,352 Oh, she's a mess. 448 00:18:05,385 --> 00:18:06,853 Now, how can I 449 00:18:06,886 --> 00:18:09,722 not help you two? 450 00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:11,724 This is your dead-end job? 451 00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:13,860 I pictured you working as a drug mule 452 00:18:13,893 --> 00:18:16,563 or a seat filler on The View. 453 00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:19,199 That's a job? 454 00:18:19,232 --> 00:18:21,634 Dude, I just made a mistake on the application. 455 00:18:21,668 --> 00:18:23,403 Can't you just give us a break? 456 00:18:23,436 --> 00:18:25,205 Our dessert bar is supposed to open tomorrow night. 457 00:18:25,238 --> 00:18:26,072 Please? 458 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:27,574 I gave up a boyfriend for this business, 459 00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:28,775 and I'm gonna mess up 460 00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:31,211 her pretty face if it doesn't work out. 461 00:18:31,244 --> 00:18:32,445 Max, thank you. 462 00:18:32,479 --> 00:18:35,448 I was starting to think you didn't think I was that pretty. 463 00:18:37,284 --> 00:18:39,752 If we don't fix this, we're gonna have to delay our opening. 464 00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:41,421 So please? 465 00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:42,555 You know what? 466 00:18:42,589 --> 00:18:44,391 Let me talk to my supervisor. 467 00:18:45,692 --> 00:18:48,795 (audience groans and laughs) 468 00:18:51,931 --> 00:18:53,800 His neck's a little rusty, 469 00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:56,769 but that's a no. 470 00:18:56,803 --> 00:18:58,738 * 471 00:18:58,771 --> 00:19:01,608 I would make us a drink but without a liquor license, 472 00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:03,176 all I can make is meth. 473 00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:05,512 This is all my fault. 474 00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:07,447 No, I was in a funk about Randy 475 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:08,948 and you had to do all this stuff on your own. 476 00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:10,917 -It's my fault. -Okay, good. 477 00:19:10,950 --> 00:19:12,485 That's what I really thought, 478 00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:14,421 but I just wanted to make sure it was out there. 479 00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:18,658 We have zero luck, Max, zero. 480 00:19:18,691 --> 00:19:21,794 I just stopped by to say 481 00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:24,664 I'm sorry about your dessert bar. 482 00:19:24,697 --> 00:19:28,301 You two are unlucky A,F. 483 00:19:29,436 --> 00:19:31,971 That's "As Freddie." 484 00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:33,640 He's a friend of mine. 485 00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:36,175 He's very unlucky. 486 00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:37,910 Earl, 487 00:19:37,944 --> 00:19:39,679 there's no outside liquor. 488 00:19:39,712 --> 00:19:41,314 'Cause it just makes us feel worse. 489 00:19:41,348 --> 00:19:44,417 This ain't outside liquor. It's from the diner. 490 00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:46,819 Can't you tell by the beef floating in it? 491 00:19:47,987 --> 00:19:50,223 Oh, my God. It's not from outside. 492 00:19:50,257 --> 00:19:51,558 It's from the diner. 493 00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:53,293 Max, who owns the diner? 494 00:19:53,326 --> 00:19:55,995 Me, you, and an Asian squirrel. 495 00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:58,265 Max, we don't need a liquor license because-- 496 00:19:58,298 --> 00:19:59,966 -We already have one. -Uh-huh. 497 00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:01,468 Oh! I just did more math. 498 00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:03,470 Still not math! 499 00:20:05,738 --> 00:20:08,741 I haven't seen women move that fast 500 00:20:08,775 --> 00:20:11,344 since the Activia recall. 501 00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:11,878 (gasps) 502 00:20:11,911 --> 00:20:13,946 Here it is! 503 00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:17,250 Oh, my God, Han's middle name is Margaret. 504 00:20:17,284 --> 00:20:19,552 Sometimes the universe just gives you a gift. 505 00:20:19,586 --> 00:20:22,455 (together) This entitles the owner, operator, operators... 506 00:20:22,489 --> 00:20:23,356 That's us! 507 00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:24,991 (together) ...Of the Williamsburg Diner 508 00:20:25,024 --> 00:20:27,460 to serve alcohol to those persons 21 and over, 509 00:20:27,494 --> 00:20:29,562 reserving the right to not serve those persons 510 00:20:29,596 --> 00:20:30,697 who do not supply valid ID! 511 00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:32,465 Max, do you know what this means? 512 00:20:32,499 --> 00:20:35,468 I am totally carding Han Margaret 513 00:20:35,502 --> 00:20:37,537 when he comes in our dessert bar, 514 00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:40,307 which is so opening tomorrow night. 515 00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:42,975 Hey, every-baby. 516 00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:45,312 Still preg-- achoo! 517 00:20:45,345 --> 00:20:47,747 (water breaks) 518 00:20:47,780 --> 00:20:49,482 (both gasp) 519 00:21:03,029 --> 00:21:05,865 Are you guys seeing this too? 520 00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:10,603 I'm never gonna forget it. 521 00:21:12,372 --> 00:21:14,641 I think my water broke. 522 00:21:14,674 --> 00:21:15,475 Oleg! 523 00:21:15,508 --> 00:21:17,310 Get out here and bring the mop bucket. 524 00:21:17,344 --> 00:21:18,545 Sophie's in labor. 525 00:21:18,578 --> 00:21:21,514 Oh. I'm calling the car right now. 526 00:21:21,548 --> 00:21:23,916 It says "Your Lyft driver is already here." 527 00:21:23,950 --> 00:21:26,486 Did somebody order a car? 528 00:21:27,420 --> 00:21:29,389 Look, it's Minnie Driver. 529 00:21:30,923 --> 00:21:33,360 Sophie, we're having a baby. 530 00:21:33,393 --> 00:21:35,828 I'm scared. 531 00:21:35,862 --> 00:21:36,596 She should be scared, 532 00:21:36,629 --> 00:21:39,031 she's wearing electric underwear. 533 00:21:39,065 --> 00:21:40,533 * 534 00:21:42,068 --> 00:21:44,070 Slow, easy breaths. 535 00:21:44,103 --> 00:21:45,438 I am! 536 00:21:45,472 --> 00:21:48,074 I was more talking to myself. 537 00:21:48,107 --> 00:21:50,643 Don't leave me in there alone. 538 00:21:50,677 --> 00:21:52,945 You know I see dead people. 539 00:21:52,979 --> 00:21:55,448 It's coming. 540 00:21:55,482 --> 00:21:57,850 It's coming! 541 00:21:57,884 --> 00:21:59,552 (groaning) 542 00:21:59,586 --> 00:22:00,920 It's here! 543 00:22:00,953 --> 00:22:02,021 The baby? 544 00:22:02,054 --> 00:22:04,557 (horn honks) 545 00:22:07,126 --> 00:22:08,961 Well, a baby. 546 00:22:08,995 --> 00:22:11,698 Oh, good, our goober driver's here. 547 00:22:11,731 --> 00:22:13,733 Aren't I suffering enough 548 00:22:13,766 --> 00:22:15,768 to get the diner back from you two? 549 00:22:15,802 --> 00:22:18,070 I'm already driving for Lyft and Uber 550 00:22:18,104 --> 00:22:20,840 and selling Molly out of that glove compartment. 551 00:22:20,873 --> 00:22:22,074 Shotgun! 552 00:22:22,108 --> 00:22:23,843 * * 553 00:22:23,876 --> 00:22:26,579 Han, I hate to hit the stereotype 554 00:22:26,613 --> 00:22:28,381 of Asian women drivers, 555 00:22:28,415 --> 00:22:30,450 but could you speed the hell up? 556 00:22:30,483 --> 00:22:32,652 Do you want to arrive quickly 557 00:22:32,685 --> 00:22:35,054 or do you want to arrive safely? 558 00:22:35,087 --> 00:22:38,090 A teddy bear doesn't count as carpooling, lady! 559 00:22:39,692 --> 00:22:41,794 I can't have a car baby. 560 00:22:41,828 --> 00:22:44,697 Three of my brothers were born in the car. 561 00:22:44,731 --> 00:22:46,399 On the way to the woods, 562 00:22:46,433 --> 00:22:48,000 where they were supposed to be born. 563 00:22:48,034 --> 00:22:51,704 Sophie, do you think you could move your seat up a scooch? 564 00:22:51,738 --> 00:22:53,906 Only because I think my leg is broken. 565 00:22:53,940 --> 00:22:57,677 This reminds me of a road trip I took one time 566 00:22:57,710 --> 00:22:59,612 with Earth, Wind & Fire. 567 00:22:59,646 --> 00:23:00,880 The car was so cramped, 568 00:23:00,913 --> 00:23:02,949 we had to leave Wind behind. 569 00:23:02,982 --> 00:23:06,486 I feel like someone just left some wind behind in here. 570 00:23:06,519 --> 00:23:07,554 (honking) 571 00:23:07,587 --> 00:23:09,922 Signal much? 572 00:23:09,956 --> 00:23:11,891 Ow! 573 00:23:11,924 --> 00:23:12,459 Sophie, 574 00:23:12,492 --> 00:23:14,561 smile for the camera. 575 00:23:16,929 --> 00:23:18,965 I don't want to miss a minute. 576 00:23:18,998 --> 00:23:21,501 No Golishevsky man has ever been there 577 00:23:21,534 --> 00:23:22,935 for the birth of his child. 578 00:23:22,969 --> 00:23:24,604 Why, because it's bad luck 579 00:23:24,637 --> 00:23:26,773 to see your wife before she's born? 580 00:23:26,806 --> 00:23:29,776 You tell one story where your uncle marries his daughter, 581 00:23:29,809 --> 00:23:33,045 and suddenly, you're the incest guy. 582 00:23:33,079 --> 00:23:34,747 Uh-oh. 583 00:23:34,781 --> 00:23:36,883 It's happening. 584 00:23:36,916 --> 00:23:37,950 Oh. 585 00:23:37,984 --> 00:23:40,487 Ah, I can feel the baby's head. 586 00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:42,188 Oh. 587 00:23:42,221 --> 00:23:44,156 (groans) 588 00:23:47,126 --> 00:23:49,762 It's your sandwich. 589 00:23:49,796 --> 00:23:51,764 It's yours now. 590 00:23:53,900 --> 00:23:55,167 All right. 591 00:23:56,736 --> 00:23:59,005 Sophie, you have to make it to the hospital. 592 00:23:59,038 --> 00:24:01,574 I sold my rare toe-porn collection 593 00:24:01,608 --> 00:24:04,110 to pay for a fancy birthing suite. 594 00:24:04,143 --> 00:24:07,814 I'm gonna give birth to this baby in style. 595 00:24:07,847 --> 00:24:11,083 I won't have to protect it from wild animals afterwards, 596 00:24:11,117 --> 00:24:13,252 you know, which is nice. 597 00:24:13,285 --> 00:24:16,155 Sophie, don't get too comfortable in that suite. 598 00:24:16,188 --> 00:24:17,990 You're gonna need to drop it like it's hot 599 00:24:18,024 --> 00:24:19,992 the second we get to the hospital. 600 00:24:20,026 --> 00:24:22,128 Max and I have to get ready for our dessert bar opening. 601 00:24:22,161 --> 00:24:25,231 Baby on board! Move it our lose it! 602 00:24:25,264 --> 00:24:26,599 (honks) 603 00:24:26,633 --> 00:24:27,934 In their defense, it looks like 604 00:24:27,967 --> 00:24:30,803 no one's driving this car. 605 00:24:30,837 --> 00:24:34,006 * * 606 00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,909 Excuse me, doctor? It's been 12 hours. 607 00:24:36,943 --> 00:24:38,745 Is there some way we could speed this up? 608 00:24:38,778 --> 00:24:41,213 You know, jumping jacks, Indian food, 609 00:24:41,247 --> 00:24:43,683 a C-section? 610 00:24:43,716 --> 00:24:45,251 Does she need to be in here? 611 00:24:45,284 --> 00:24:48,120 Yeah. 612 00:24:48,154 --> 00:24:49,789 Yeah, that one 613 00:24:49,822 --> 00:24:52,559 and the other one over there are the godparents. 614 00:24:52,592 --> 00:24:54,727 Max. 615 00:24:54,761 --> 00:24:55,995 Yeah, girl. 616 00:24:57,296 --> 00:24:59,098 They're not a couple. 617 00:24:59,131 --> 00:25:02,735 Oleg thinks they do it a little though. 618 00:25:02,769 --> 00:25:05,237 Only 1 centimeter. I don't feel anything. 619 00:25:05,271 --> 00:25:06,739 It could be a while. 620 00:25:06,773 --> 00:25:09,275 Sophie, you may want to take off the Spanx. 621 00:25:09,308 --> 00:25:10,877 I'm pregnant. 622 00:25:10,910 --> 00:25:12,845 I'm not dead. 623 00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:15,281 (groans) 624 00:25:15,314 --> 00:25:17,650 Oh, man, tub legs. 625 00:25:17,684 --> 00:25:19,018 I'll be back. 626 00:25:19,051 --> 00:25:20,953 But not because I want to. 627 00:25:22,789 --> 00:25:25,157 Oleg, come on, film the room. 628 00:25:25,191 --> 00:25:29,095 I want our baby to know that I was treated like a queen. 629 00:25:30,830 --> 00:25:32,665 You know, I think Elton John had this room 630 00:25:32,699 --> 00:25:34,166 when he gave birth. 631 00:25:35,334 --> 00:25:36,936 I'm sorry, I lost y'all. 632 00:25:36,969 --> 00:25:40,139 I feel asleep on a gurney and woke up in the morgue. 633 00:25:42,174 --> 00:25:45,311 I scared the pants off a bunch of med students. 634 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:49,181 (iPhone chimes) 635 00:25:49,215 --> 00:25:50,282 Ooh, there's my alarm. 636 00:25:50,316 --> 00:25:53,786 I have to go have break-up phone sex with my ex, Randy. 637 00:25:53,820 --> 00:25:56,022 Like you do. 638 00:25:56,055 --> 00:25:57,924 Well, don't go very far 'cause 639 00:25:57,957 --> 00:26:00,059 Oleg gets fainty in hospitals 640 00:26:00,092 --> 00:26:03,630 and supermarkets that also sell clothing. 641 00:26:03,663 --> 00:26:05,231 It's just too much. 642 00:26:06,966 --> 00:26:09,669 Max, you and Randy have had more sex since your break-up 643 00:26:09,702 --> 00:26:11,337 then I had with my college boyfriend. 644 00:26:11,370 --> 00:26:15,207 Granted, he was very busy with musical theater. 645 00:26:15,241 --> 00:26:17,744 The only time we had sex was when he was in his Cats' costume 646 00:26:17,777 --> 00:26:20,112 and he asked me to give him a Rum Tum Tugger. 647 00:26:21,180 --> 00:26:22,181 The rule is 648 00:26:22,214 --> 00:26:24,717 you have sex five times before you're broken up. 649 00:26:24,751 --> 00:26:25,952 And this is number five. 650 00:26:25,985 --> 00:26:27,954 Historically, the biggest, sweatiest, 651 00:26:27,987 --> 00:26:31,724 and the most butt-centric-- his, not mine. 652 00:26:31,758 --> 00:26:33,225 So-- (chuckles) 653 00:26:33,259 --> 00:26:35,862 Do not disturb. 654 00:26:35,895 --> 00:26:39,231 It's facing the wrong way, and it's very disturbing. 655 00:26:39,265 --> 00:26:40,967 Hey, Randy. 656 00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:43,770 Oh, sorry, I just, uh, just woke up. 657 00:26:43,803 --> 00:26:46,773 Looks like you've been up for awhile. 658 00:26:46,806 --> 00:26:49,375 Mind if I camp under that pup tent? 659 00:26:49,408 --> 00:26:52,144 Can you go roast his marshmallows somewhere else? 660 00:26:56,048 --> 00:26:58,985 Excuse me, there's a VVVIP patient coming in 661 00:26:59,018 --> 00:27:00,887 who needs this room. 662 00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:03,622 I don't care what kind of disease they have. 663 00:27:04,991 --> 00:27:07,393 I'm not going. 664 00:27:07,426 --> 00:27:09,696 (Caroline gasps) 665 00:27:09,729 --> 00:27:10,963 Oh, my God. 666 00:27:10,997 --> 00:27:13,800 That's supermodel Vanessa Nibotito. 667 00:27:13,833 --> 00:27:15,968 (gasps) She's pretty and smart. 668 00:27:16,002 --> 00:27:17,804 It's hard, right girl? 669 00:27:18,705 --> 00:27:20,206 I--I paid for this room. 670 00:27:20,239 --> 00:27:23,843 That giant bag of quarters? That's us! 671 00:27:24,911 --> 00:27:28,080 Is my baby bump seriously getting bumped 672 00:27:28,114 --> 00:27:31,150 by a poor man's me? 673 00:27:31,183 --> 00:27:32,351 I'm so sorry. 674 00:27:32,384 --> 00:27:35,421 I could send you a copy of my motherhood book if you'd like. 675 00:27:35,454 --> 00:27:39,025 The lady I paid to write it did a great job. 676 00:27:40,359 --> 00:27:42,762 Oh, wait--wait a minute, no-- I'm not going anywhere. 677 00:27:42,795 --> 00:27:44,030 No, wait a minute. 678 00:27:44,063 --> 00:27:45,998 Wait, I'm not-- no, I'm not going. 679 00:27:46,032 --> 00:27:48,000 You can't make me. No, wait a minute. 680 00:27:48,034 --> 00:27:49,702 Wait a min-- oh, wait, wait, wait. 681 00:27:49,736 --> 00:27:51,971 Oh, look, I'm getting a little arm workout here. 682 00:27:52,004 --> 00:27:53,039 Oh, yeah. 683 00:27:53,072 --> 00:27:54,106 * * 684 00:27:57,243 --> 00:28:00,046 Sophie, the hospital is saying they bounced us from the room 685 00:28:00,079 --> 00:28:01,447 because we took too long. 686 00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:05,785 They're offering us a cot near the burn unit of the ICU. 687 00:28:05,818 --> 00:28:07,219 Well, 688 00:28:07,253 --> 00:28:11,190 ICU don't understand that I'm not having this baby 689 00:28:11,223 --> 00:28:13,392 until I get back in my suite. 690 00:28:13,425 --> 00:28:16,128 That's a hard "no," Chris. 691 00:28:16,162 --> 00:28:19,265 Guess who just flirted her way into a free carpal tunnel glove? 692 00:28:19,298 --> 00:28:22,034 Some girls flirt their way into a sugar daddy; 693 00:28:22,068 --> 00:28:23,836 I get medical supplies. 694 00:28:25,337 --> 00:28:26,472 And more good news-- 695 00:28:26,505 --> 00:28:27,807 Did you get me my room back? 696 00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:28,775 No, those days are over. 697 00:28:28,808 --> 00:28:30,142 We're hallway people now. 698 00:28:30,176 --> 00:28:33,179 But I was able to print out flyers for our dessert bar. 699 00:28:33,212 --> 00:28:34,914 I'd love to give them a rounded edge. 700 00:28:34,947 --> 00:28:36,415 Do you have scissors? 701 00:28:36,448 --> 00:28:37,950 Are you kidding me? 702 00:28:37,984 --> 00:28:41,854 Of course I do. Look in my bag. 703 00:28:41,888 --> 00:28:44,056 Sophie, they're offering us a full-size bed, 704 00:28:44,090 --> 00:28:45,792 but it's in an MRI machine. 705 00:28:45,825 --> 00:28:48,527 I think we should take it. 706 00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:50,362 Dessert bar opening tonight. 707 00:28:50,396 --> 00:28:52,965 We have a ramp. 708 00:28:52,999 --> 00:28:55,134 Excuse me, coming through. Coming through. 709 00:28:55,167 --> 00:28:57,003 A-lister about to give birth. 710 00:28:58,004 --> 00:28:59,171 Oh, my God. 711 00:28:59,205 --> 00:29:02,141 Celebrity doctor, Nancy Gonzales! 712 00:29:02,174 --> 00:29:05,411 You know, I wear your perfume. 713 00:29:05,444 --> 00:29:09,115 Nancy, you might have heard, dessert bar opening tonight. 714 00:29:09,148 --> 00:29:12,018 Someone needs to control the hallway people. 715 00:29:12,051 --> 00:29:14,887 MAX: (giggles) Randy. 716 00:29:18,524 --> 00:29:20,259 Max! (gasps) 717 00:29:22,061 --> 00:29:25,164 That wasn't me, it was naughty nurse Wanda. 718 00:29:26,198 --> 00:29:27,934 I was about to give Wanda a shot. 719 00:29:27,967 --> 00:29:29,368 Well, she was gonna give it to herself, 720 00:29:29,401 --> 00:29:32,371 but I was gonna tell her exactly how to do it. 721 00:29:32,404 --> 00:29:34,874 Max, isn't playing doctor in a hospital 722 00:29:34,907 --> 00:29:36,042 a little on the nose? 723 00:29:36,075 --> 00:29:37,409 I like to be on theme. 724 00:29:37,443 --> 00:29:39,278 We can play pirate and lusty wench 725 00:29:39,311 --> 00:29:41,013 when I'm in a Long John Silver's. 726 00:29:41,047 --> 00:29:42,982 No, you won't because we're not allowed in there 727 00:29:43,015 --> 00:29:44,450 for that very reason. 728 00:29:44,483 --> 00:29:47,053 Plus, didn't you already have your fifth time? 729 00:29:47,086 --> 00:29:50,289 You see, Caroline, break-up sex in LA is six times. 730 00:29:50,322 --> 00:29:52,124 It's the DeVito-Perlman rule. 731 00:29:52,158 --> 00:29:55,561 Rhea forgot her yoga mat, and five limoncellos later, 732 00:29:55,594 --> 00:29:56,462 boom! 733 00:29:56,495 --> 00:29:59,065 The rest is history. 734 00:29:59,098 --> 00:30:01,533 He's a lawyer so we have to listen to him. 735 00:30:01,567 --> 00:30:03,970 * * 736 00:30:04,003 --> 00:30:05,938 Dessert bar opening tonight. 737 00:30:05,972 --> 00:30:08,374 Sophie, any progress in your nethers? 738 00:30:08,407 --> 00:30:10,376 'Cause our dessert bar opens in five hours, 739 00:30:10,409 --> 00:30:12,411 and it promises I'll be there on the flyer. 740 00:30:12,444 --> 00:30:15,481 Dessert bar opening tonight. I'll be there. 741 00:30:15,514 --> 00:30:17,917 Did you really have to refer to yourself as 742 00:30:17,950 --> 00:30:19,952 "New York's Own Caroline Channing"? 743 00:30:21,287 --> 00:30:23,355 She's coming. Hallway people, clear a path. 744 00:30:23,389 --> 00:30:24,991 Oh. 745 00:30:25,024 --> 00:30:27,059 (cameras snapping) 746 00:30:27,093 --> 00:30:28,527 Congratulations 747 00:30:28,560 --> 00:30:31,864 because you're invited to our dessert bar opening. 748 00:30:31,898 --> 00:30:33,165 You can bring the baby if you want, 749 00:30:33,199 --> 00:30:35,634 but I wouldn't love it. 750 00:30:35,667 --> 00:30:37,169 What's dessert? 751 00:30:39,138 --> 00:30:42,041 I'm still tweeting that she's coming. 752 00:30:42,074 --> 00:30:45,344 I'm taking the suite back, girls. 753 00:30:45,377 --> 00:30:47,079 Roll me in! 754 00:30:47,113 --> 00:30:51,250 Yeah, we're not hallway people anymore. 755 00:30:51,283 --> 00:30:53,052 Whoo-hoo! 756 00:30:53,986 --> 00:30:55,922 Yeah! 757 00:30:55,955 --> 00:30:57,123 (gasps) Ooh. 758 00:30:57,156 --> 00:30:59,525 How long can sushi be sitting out? 759 00:31:02,962 --> 00:31:05,397 Ooh, not that long. 760 00:31:05,431 --> 00:31:07,433 What about this one? 761 00:31:07,466 --> 00:31:08,400 Max, don't. 762 00:31:08,434 --> 00:31:09,368 It promises on the flyer 763 00:31:09,401 --> 00:31:12,104 that you'll be at the dessert bar opening too. 764 00:31:12,138 --> 00:31:14,440 It's in smaller letters, but it's there. 765 00:31:16,943 --> 00:31:19,445 Oh. I got here as fast as I could. 766 00:31:19,478 --> 00:31:20,546 To take the baby out? 767 00:31:20,579 --> 00:31:22,381 No, to see the model. 768 00:31:22,414 --> 00:31:24,216 Um, she's gone. 769 00:31:24,250 --> 00:31:26,385 She kept saying, "Where's Doctor Gomulka?" 770 00:31:26,418 --> 00:31:27,253 Really? 771 00:31:27,286 --> 00:31:29,255 No, no one's ever said that. 772 00:31:29,288 --> 00:31:31,557 Well, since I'm already disappointed, 773 00:31:31,590 --> 00:31:34,193 I guess I'll take a look under the hood. 774 00:31:35,627 --> 00:31:38,130 Oleg, you know how I love to have a snack 775 00:31:38,164 --> 00:31:40,399 when I get my exam. 776 00:31:40,432 --> 00:31:42,468 I'll go to the gift shop and grab you some 777 00:31:42,501 --> 00:31:45,437 chocolate-heavy trail mix and some Hubba Bubba. 778 00:31:46,973 --> 00:31:48,140 Oh, and Oleg! 779 00:31:48,174 --> 00:31:51,110 Turn the bag upside down and-- oh. 780 00:31:51,143 --> 00:31:53,479 (laughs) He knows. 781 00:31:53,512 --> 00:31:56,215 Well, if I were a gambling man, I'd say 782 00:31:56,248 --> 00:31:59,085 it'll be at least five hours. 783 00:31:59,118 --> 00:32:00,152 Achoo! 784 00:32:00,186 --> 00:32:02,688 (baby crying) 785 00:32:02,721 --> 00:32:05,191 And that's how I lost my house. 786 00:32:06,492 --> 00:32:09,962 Nurse, I need something to cut the umbilical cord. 787 00:32:09,996 --> 00:32:10,696 Oh, I--wait, wait. 788 00:32:10,729 --> 00:32:12,331 You're in luck. 789 00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:17,636 -Aww. -(baby crying) 790 00:32:17,669 --> 00:32:19,505 ALL: Aww. 791 00:32:19,538 --> 00:32:21,107 Sophie, 792 00:32:21,140 --> 00:32:22,741 you did great. 793 00:32:22,774 --> 00:32:24,210 You're a mother. 794 00:32:24,243 --> 00:32:26,612 Also, gesundheit. 795 00:32:26,645 --> 00:32:29,115 Aw, the baby's beautiful. 796 00:32:29,148 --> 00:32:31,150 Oh, my God. 797 00:32:31,183 --> 00:32:34,120 I had the baby! 798 00:32:34,153 --> 00:32:36,455 And Oleg missed it. 799 00:32:36,488 --> 00:32:41,260 Oh, and he had his heart set on seeing the baby being born. 800 00:32:41,293 --> 00:32:42,394 And he missed it. 801 00:32:42,428 --> 00:32:45,331 He's never gonna forgive himself! 802 00:32:45,364 --> 00:32:49,068 He's never, never, never, never, never, never... 803 00:32:49,101 --> 00:32:51,103 Please, Sophie, calm down. 804 00:32:51,137 --> 00:32:54,306 Maybe Oleg didn't miss it. 805 00:32:54,340 --> 00:32:58,244 It worries me how little you know about science stuff. 806 00:32:58,277 --> 00:33:01,247 We'll fake the birth. 807 00:33:01,280 --> 00:33:04,083 You're asking me to help you fake a birth? 808 00:33:04,116 --> 00:33:06,552 You'll be fine. You've faked an orgasm. 809 00:33:09,255 --> 00:33:10,256 Well, that's true. 810 00:33:10,289 --> 00:33:11,323 * * 811 00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:15,627 We have to make Oleg pass out long enough to bring 812 00:33:15,661 --> 00:33:17,096 baby in and make him think he just missed 813 00:33:17,129 --> 00:33:18,764 a second of the actual birth. 814 00:33:18,797 --> 00:33:20,399 Sophie, act like you're in labor. 815 00:33:20,432 --> 00:33:22,734 Just yell and tell Oleg you wish you never met him. 816 00:33:22,768 --> 00:33:24,803 It should be easy. 817 00:33:24,836 --> 00:33:26,272 He's coming. Places. 818 00:33:27,539 --> 00:33:29,375 (panting) 819 00:33:29,408 --> 00:33:31,377 Sorry it took so long, but the lady in front of me 820 00:33:31,410 --> 00:33:34,780 paid for her Jujubes with a third-party check. 821 00:33:34,813 --> 00:33:38,517 (groaning) Oh, I'm in pain! 822 00:33:38,550 --> 00:33:41,387 Oh, I'm about to have a baby 823 00:33:41,420 --> 00:33:43,522 for the first time! 824 00:33:43,555 --> 00:33:45,224 Okay. I'm ready. 825 00:33:45,257 --> 00:33:47,659 I popped a Pepto and what I'm now realizing 826 00:33:47,693 --> 00:33:50,196 was a laxative. 827 00:33:50,229 --> 00:33:51,697 Oleg, 828 00:33:51,730 --> 00:33:53,465 you stay out of the splash zone. 829 00:33:53,499 --> 00:33:54,433 It's go time. 830 00:33:54,466 --> 00:33:56,568 Oh, there is some seriously 831 00:33:56,602 --> 00:33:58,670 birthy stuff going on down here. 832 00:33:58,704 --> 00:34:01,307 Oh, should we get a doctor? 833 00:34:01,340 --> 00:34:03,275 Even a girl one? 834 00:34:03,309 --> 00:34:04,310 There's no time! 835 00:34:04,343 --> 00:34:07,379 Because of all the oozing gunk! 836 00:34:07,413 --> 00:34:09,581 (groans) 837 00:34:09,615 --> 00:34:11,417 Push, Sophie, push! 838 00:34:11,450 --> 00:34:14,120 (straining) 839 00:34:14,153 --> 00:34:16,388 You--you--you-- 840 00:34:16,422 --> 00:34:17,589 you did this to me 841 00:34:17,623 --> 00:34:20,792 with your gorgeous penis! 842 00:34:22,494 --> 00:34:23,762 We're both sorry! 843 00:34:23,795 --> 00:34:27,799 Max, anything else disgusting going on down there? 844 00:34:27,833 --> 00:34:31,503 Oh, yeah, we got a real sick situation here. 845 00:34:31,537 --> 00:34:33,239 Oh, man, there's 846 00:34:33,272 --> 00:34:34,673 a lot of placenta goo. 847 00:34:34,706 --> 00:34:37,376 Oy, oy, oy, oy... 848 00:34:37,409 --> 00:34:40,746 I haven't been this woozy since I was in a Super Target. 849 00:34:41,647 --> 00:34:42,848 I'm not going down. 850 00:34:42,881 --> 00:34:44,350 -(groaning) -I'm not going down. 851 00:34:44,383 --> 00:34:49,821 The wet, sludgy baby is fighting through the slime! 852 00:34:49,855 --> 00:34:51,457 Oh. 853 00:34:51,490 --> 00:34:52,524 Oh. 854 00:34:52,558 --> 00:34:53,792 Oh, girls, quick. 855 00:34:53,825 --> 00:34:55,761 He's down. Get the baby! 856 00:35:01,400 --> 00:35:03,602 Oh, my God. All right. 857 00:35:03,635 --> 00:35:06,472 All right, now, to wake him up, 858 00:35:06,505 --> 00:35:08,640 yell "immigration" or tickle his-- 859 00:35:08,674 --> 00:35:10,209 Immigration! 860 00:35:11,510 --> 00:35:13,612 What'd I miss? 861 00:35:13,645 --> 00:35:15,481 Look, Oleg. 862 00:35:15,514 --> 00:35:18,584 The baby is here. 863 00:35:18,617 --> 00:35:20,886 And it's a girl. 864 00:35:20,919 --> 00:35:23,789 She has a bejoonie, just like her mama. 865 00:35:25,624 --> 00:35:28,494 She's beautiful, just like her mama. 866 00:35:28,527 --> 00:35:29,595 Yeah. 867 00:35:29,628 --> 00:35:31,463 Do you want to hold her? 868 00:35:31,497 --> 00:35:32,931 Yeah? 869 00:35:32,964 --> 00:35:34,866 Yeah. 870 00:35:39,638 --> 00:35:41,573 Look. 871 00:35:41,607 --> 00:35:43,642 That's your daddy. 872 00:35:43,675 --> 00:35:44,910 Let her get settled in the world 873 00:35:44,943 --> 00:35:46,845 before you start giving her bad news. 874 00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:50,482 Hello, baby. 875 00:35:50,516 --> 00:35:52,318 Barbara! 876 00:35:53,552 --> 00:35:57,223 Barbara Kuchenski Golishevsky! 877 00:35:57,256 --> 00:36:00,692 Oh, that sounds real musical, doesn't it? 878 00:36:00,726 --> 00:36:03,595 Depends what kind of music you listen to. 879 00:36:03,629 --> 00:36:07,499 Aww, she's so cute. 880 00:36:07,533 --> 00:36:09,468 Barbara's a definite? 881 00:36:09,501 --> 00:36:10,536 SOPHIE: Yeah. 882 00:36:10,569 --> 00:36:12,238 I'm your godmother. 883 00:36:12,271 --> 00:36:15,707 One day I'm gonna teach you how to lie to these two. 884 00:36:16,675 --> 00:36:18,510 And also this one. 885 00:36:18,544 --> 00:36:21,813 * * 886 00:36:21,847 --> 00:36:23,815 (gasps) Look at all those people 887 00:36:23,849 --> 00:36:24,950 at our door. 888 00:36:24,983 --> 00:36:27,419 And not a torch in the mix. 889 00:36:27,453 --> 00:36:30,456 CAROLINA: Oh, Earl. Are you lost again? 890 00:36:30,489 --> 00:36:33,825 The diner is next door! 891 00:36:33,859 --> 00:36:36,562 Don't confuse him. He's our bouncer. 892 00:36:36,595 --> 00:36:38,530 You're our bouncer! 893 00:36:38,564 --> 00:36:41,333 Now, you don't really expect everybody on this list 894 00:36:41,367 --> 00:36:42,368 to show up, now, do you? 895 00:36:42,401 --> 00:36:45,504 'Cause Liam Hemsworth and I are in a Twitter feud. 896 00:36:45,537 --> 00:36:48,540 Okay, some of it may have been wishful thinking, 897 00:36:48,574 --> 00:36:50,809 but I did text 2 Chainz. 898 00:36:50,842 --> 00:36:52,511 We met him on a private plane once. 899 00:36:52,544 --> 00:36:53,779 I gave him my digits. 900 00:36:53,812 --> 00:36:57,249 Uh, 2 Chainz, is that a person or a dress code? 901 00:36:57,283 --> 00:36:58,984 It's both. 902 00:36:59,017 --> 00:37:00,819 (audience cheers) 903 00:37:00,852 --> 00:37:03,855 Earl, 2 Chainz is a famous rapper. 904 00:37:03,889 --> 00:37:07,293 Oh, my God, 2 Chainz is here--ah! 905 00:37:07,326 --> 00:37:09,961 I'm letting 2 Chainz the famous rapper in before we open. 906 00:37:14,433 --> 00:37:16,535 What's up, Double C? 907 00:37:16,568 --> 00:37:19,505 She prefers to be called, "New York's Own Double C." 908 00:37:19,538 --> 00:37:20,839 Sup? 909 00:37:20,872 --> 00:37:23,375 I can't believe you made it to our dessert bar. 910 00:37:23,409 --> 00:37:26,778 I can't believe anybody knows what a dessert bar is. 911 00:37:26,812 --> 00:37:27,913 Are you kidding? 912 00:37:27,946 --> 00:37:29,948 Sugar and alcohol go hand in hand. 913 00:37:29,981 --> 00:37:32,418 It's two great tastes that taste great together. 914 00:37:32,451 --> 00:37:37,423 Like how I seamlessly fuse new-school and old-school flows. 915 00:37:37,456 --> 00:37:40,025 Well, now I get it. 916 00:37:41,327 --> 00:37:44,896 Why didn't you just say that, girls? 917 00:37:44,930 --> 00:37:48,033 Now, can I get one of those flan-tinis, please? 918 00:37:48,066 --> 00:37:49,968 Look, sorry I didn't recognize you, 2 Chainz. 919 00:37:50,001 --> 00:37:53,839 I let my subscription to Vibe expire in 1984. 920 00:37:53,872 --> 00:37:55,874 Oh, that's okay. 921 00:37:55,907 --> 00:37:58,310 I think they give discounts for return customers. 922 00:37:58,344 --> 00:37:59,010 Oh, really? 923 00:38:00,546 --> 00:38:02,848 Well, well, well! 924 00:38:02,881 --> 00:38:05,317 Look who opened up a bar 925 00:38:05,351 --> 00:38:07,386 after I denied them a liquor license. 926 00:38:07,419 --> 00:38:09,054 Well, well, well, look who decided 927 00:38:09,087 --> 00:38:11,990 to wear ladies' pants hoping no one would notice. 928 00:38:13,091 --> 00:38:14,826 J. Petto, what are you doing here? 929 00:38:14,860 --> 00:38:16,328 How did you know we were opening? 930 00:38:16,362 --> 00:38:17,963 I definitely didn't give you a flyer. 931 00:38:17,996 --> 00:38:20,999 I follow 2 Chainz on Twitter, 932 00:38:21,032 --> 00:38:23,869 sometimes in my car. 933 00:38:23,902 --> 00:38:27,873 Just so you know, I have 911 on speed dial. 934 00:38:29,641 --> 00:38:32,010 Our liquor license, sir. 935 00:38:32,043 --> 00:38:35,080 Uh, this belongs to the Williamsburg Diner. 936 00:38:35,113 --> 00:38:37,549 They're the same property. We own the diner. 937 00:38:37,583 --> 00:38:38,550 They're related, 938 00:38:38,584 --> 00:38:41,587 like Alec and whoever the grossest Baldwin is. 939 00:38:43,455 --> 00:38:44,456 Daniel. 940 00:38:46,024 --> 00:38:48,560 You can't use another establishment's liquor license. 941 00:38:48,594 --> 00:38:49,995 I'm shutting you two down 942 00:38:50,028 --> 00:38:51,930 and I'm slapping the owner of the diner 943 00:38:51,963 --> 00:38:53,799 with a $25,000 fine. 944 00:38:53,832 --> 00:38:55,934 Who is this bitch? 945 00:38:58,470 --> 00:39:00,706 Just some mean, little man with 946 00:39:00,739 --> 00:39:03,809 nothing better to do on a Friday night than ruin our lives. 947 00:39:03,842 --> 00:39:05,711 Not true; I'm taking my aunt 948 00:39:05,744 --> 00:39:08,380 to drag bingo right after this. 949 00:39:08,414 --> 00:39:11,049 Well, girls, 950 00:39:11,082 --> 00:39:14,586 I managed to make it here after this dog fornicated 951 00:39:14,620 --> 00:39:16,788 his way across Greenpoint. 952 00:39:16,822 --> 00:39:18,123 (chuckles) Been there. 953 00:39:18,156 --> 00:39:19,591 Done that. 954 00:39:20,626 --> 00:39:22,060 Here's $300. 955 00:39:22,093 --> 00:39:24,796 My earnings after working 12 jobs 956 00:39:24,830 --> 00:39:27,866 and being robbed 4 times. 957 00:39:27,899 --> 00:39:31,036 Twice by the same girl. 958 00:39:31,069 --> 00:39:32,971 You can have your diner back. 959 00:39:33,004 --> 00:39:34,773 We feel bad about taking it from you, 960 00:39:34,806 --> 00:39:36,174 and also the owner of the diner owes 961 00:39:36,207 --> 00:39:39,945 old butt-chin here and the city $25,000. 962 00:39:39,978 --> 00:39:41,012 What? 963 00:39:41,046 --> 00:39:42,448 The diner is mine again? 964 00:39:42,481 --> 00:39:43,749 Yeah, sorry. 965 00:39:43,782 --> 00:39:45,484 (gasps) 966 00:39:45,517 --> 00:39:46,652 Yes! 967 00:39:46,685 --> 00:39:48,019 Yes! Yes! 968 00:39:48,053 --> 00:39:49,955 I have my baby back. 969 00:39:49,988 --> 00:39:51,923 You have baby everything. 970 00:39:53,091 --> 00:39:55,894 I'm shutting you down for 14 business days. 971 00:39:55,927 --> 00:39:57,829 And you're getting a bill in the mail 972 00:39:57,863 --> 00:40:00,632 with very confusing instructions. 973 00:40:00,666 --> 00:40:01,867 And... 974 00:40:01,900 --> 00:40:03,969 I'm having my birthday here. 975 00:40:05,103 --> 00:40:07,105 Let's bounce, 2 Chainz. 976 00:40:09,775 --> 00:40:11,510 So long, pal. 977 00:40:11,543 --> 00:40:12,911 You're gonna have to find someone else 978 00:40:12,944 --> 00:40:14,680 to use as a chew toy. 979 00:40:16,648 --> 00:40:18,016 Oh, man. 980 00:40:18,049 --> 00:40:20,586 Sorry about the bar, girls. 981 00:40:20,619 --> 00:40:23,855 I mean, guess I'm gonna have to get me a bottle of rosé 982 00:40:23,889 --> 00:40:25,657 and head over to Mrs. Fields' again. 983 00:40:26,992 --> 00:40:28,927 Does she have a sister? 984 00:40:28,960 --> 00:40:31,096 Or a color TV? 985 00:40:31,129 --> 00:40:32,831 See you later, girls. 986 00:40:32,864 --> 00:40:35,601 It look like I'm gonna go party with the old man right here. 987 00:40:38,670 --> 00:40:41,006 (indistinct chatter) 988 00:40:41,039 --> 00:40:42,874 Can you guys just give us another minute? 989 00:40:42,908 --> 00:40:45,644 Or 14 business days? 990 00:40:45,677 --> 00:40:48,046 The only thing that opened and closed faster than us 991 00:40:48,079 --> 00:40:50,649 was Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot. 992 00:40:50,682 --> 00:40:53,251 Well, at least I didn't get a blow out for this. 993 00:40:53,284 --> 00:40:55,754 That lessens the sting of a failed opening. 994 00:40:55,787 --> 00:40:56,955 Are you kidding? 995 00:40:56,988 --> 00:40:58,657 I think this is gonna make us more popular. 996 00:40:58,690 --> 00:41:00,959 You know how people always want what they can't have. 997 00:41:00,992 --> 00:41:03,261 Like you with everything. 998 00:41:03,294 --> 00:41:06,565 If that's true, then why do you look upset? 999 00:41:06,598 --> 00:41:09,000 'Cause Randy and I are really broken up. 1000 00:41:09,034 --> 00:41:11,737 We burned through the Affleck-Garner clause, 1001 00:41:11,770 --> 00:41:14,039 the Cox-Arquette addendum. 1002 00:41:14,072 --> 00:41:16,007 As soon as we got to the Bieber-Gomez principle, 1003 00:41:16,041 --> 00:41:18,577 we were ashamed of ourselves. 1004 00:41:18,610 --> 00:41:21,279 Max, you're the queen of not following the rules. 1005 00:41:21,312 --> 00:41:22,948 "Rules, schmules," you say. 1006 00:41:22,981 --> 00:41:24,049 Yes! 1007 00:41:24,082 --> 00:41:26,051 Rules, schmules! 1008 00:41:26,084 --> 00:41:28,554 And condoms, schmondoms. 1009 00:41:30,155 --> 00:41:32,591 Yeah, that one's not great. 1010 00:41:32,624 --> 00:41:34,726 What I'm saying is you make stuff up. 1011 00:41:34,760 --> 00:41:35,794 Like this dessert bar. 1012 00:41:35,827 --> 00:41:37,095 And that was a great idea. 1013 00:41:37,128 --> 00:41:39,798 So you should make up rules for you and Randy. 1014 00:41:39,831 --> 00:41:42,133 'Cause it really seems like you guys care about each other. 1015 00:41:42,167 --> 00:41:44,670 Yeah, you're right. 1016 00:41:44,703 --> 00:41:46,004 Break-up, schmake-up. 1017 00:41:46,037 --> 00:41:47,238 Now, go call Randy 1018 00:41:47,272 --> 00:41:49,240 and make me want to burn my iPad. 1019 00:41:50,776 --> 00:41:53,879 Go, I'm begging you. 1020 00:41:53,912 --> 00:41:55,747 Yeah, we're gonna kill it 1021 00:41:55,781 --> 00:41:58,116 in 14 business days. 1022 00:41:59,150 --> 00:42:01,620 * * 1023 00:42:01,653 --> 00:42:03,054 (cash register bell dings) 1024 00:42:05,156 --> 00:42:08,126 (upbeat rock music) 1025 00:42:08,159 --> 00:42:15,266 *