1 00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:03,637 (upbeat rock music) 2 00:00:03,671 --> 00:00:05,773 What the hell are we doing here on a Tuesday afternoon? 3 00:00:05,806 --> 00:00:08,142 The only customer we've had was Earl 4 00:00:08,176 --> 00:00:10,444 when he forgot he works here and ordered lunch. 5 00:00:10,478 --> 00:00:13,047 First of all, you're forgetting the pack of dogs 6 00:00:13,081 --> 00:00:16,284 that wandered in, had an orgy, and left. 7 00:00:16,317 --> 00:00:17,718 Probably easy for me to forget 'cause 8 00:00:17,751 --> 00:00:20,554 I wasn't the one they tried to have sex with. 9 00:00:20,588 --> 00:00:23,324 And we still have to work here because our dessert bar's 10 00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:25,526 only been open a week; we need income. 11 00:00:25,559 --> 00:00:28,096 (sighs) I don't like working in the daytime. 12 00:00:28,129 --> 00:00:31,565 You can see freaky things in this light. 13 00:00:31,599 --> 00:00:33,801 Look, there's an ant carrying a stool. 14 00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:37,538 Look, there's a waitress carrying nothing. 15 00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:39,773 Wow, Han, you have new-stool money? 16 00:00:39,807 --> 00:00:44,112 Are you in Forbes' "40 Under 4 Feet?" 17 00:00:44,145 --> 00:00:47,448 I didn't buy this. Lady Luck threw me a bone. 18 00:00:47,481 --> 00:00:50,551 I'm sure she hated herself in the morning. 19 00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:53,187 A beloved old man in my building passed away, 20 00:00:53,221 --> 00:00:55,589 and after the neighbors paid our solemn respects, 21 00:00:55,623 --> 00:00:57,358 we cleaned the dump out. 22 00:00:57,391 --> 00:01:00,128 Han, that is so disrespectful. 23 00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:02,230 We didn't get a text? 24 00:01:02,263 --> 00:01:04,832 Ooh, I forgot my sweet hemorrhoid doughnut I scored. 25 00:01:04,865 --> 00:01:08,402 You don't need hemorrhoids to enjoy it. 26 00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:09,770 Hemorrhoid doughnut. 27 00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:13,441 All of the comfort and none of the calories. 28 00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:16,510 Ooh! A new stool. 29 00:01:16,544 --> 00:01:19,880 2005 is shaping up to be a great year. 30 00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,715 That's Han's stool. 31 00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:24,718 Well, Han's stool just bought a one-way ticket 32 00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:27,188 to Earl's butt. 33 00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:29,523 This the saddest episode of Game of Thrones 34 00:01:29,557 --> 00:01:31,359 I've ever seen. 35 00:01:31,392 --> 00:01:34,128 Still, I'm rooting for the dwarf. 36 00:01:34,162 --> 00:01:36,364 (Peter Bjorn and John) * Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh 37 00:01:36,397 --> 00:01:37,798 (cash register bell dings) 38 00:01:37,831 --> 00:01:43,137 * Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh 39 00:01:45,273 --> 00:01:48,676 Tonight, we are hitting the chic-est spot in Williamsburg 40 00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:50,211 to poach their chic-est patrons. 41 00:01:50,244 --> 00:01:52,613 If we start out with a cool clientele, 42 00:01:52,646 --> 00:01:54,182 models, gays, 43 00:01:54,215 --> 00:01:57,651 rich guys that want to have sex with models and gays, 44 00:01:57,685 --> 00:02:00,388 we'll be an in-spot for at least five years. 45 00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:03,824 Were you talking to me that whole time? 46 00:02:03,857 --> 00:02:05,359 Who else would I be talking to? 47 00:02:05,393 --> 00:02:06,627 You're the only one here. 48 00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:08,296 -(giggles) -Oh. 49 00:02:08,329 --> 00:02:09,363 That was a Randy giggle. 50 00:02:09,397 --> 00:02:11,732 And that's Randy's penis. 51 00:02:11,765 --> 00:02:14,902 Not all of it. It's a pretty small screen. 52 00:02:14,935 --> 00:02:17,505 Yeah, we decided to continue our nonexclusive, 53 00:02:17,538 --> 00:02:20,341 long-distance, sexting thing. 54 00:02:20,374 --> 00:02:22,910 Is that the Oxford English Dictionary definition? 55 00:02:22,943 --> 00:02:26,880 If Oxford likes to get naked and squat over a phone. 56 00:02:26,914 --> 00:02:29,350 But your girl's running out of sexting ideas. 57 00:02:29,383 --> 00:02:31,752 There's only four emojis that look like penises. 58 00:02:31,785 --> 00:02:33,954 Five if you count the corn on the cob. 59 00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:35,956 Don't ruin the corn on the cob for me. 60 00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:38,859 I use that for barbecues and farmers markets. 61 00:02:38,892 --> 00:02:42,296 That's what you were talking about? 62 00:02:42,330 --> 00:02:45,533 I've just been adding "in my pants" to everything. 63 00:02:45,566 --> 00:02:46,934 Example: 64 00:02:46,967 --> 00:02:50,238 "What do you think about climate change 65 00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:51,572 in my pants?" 66 00:02:51,605 --> 00:02:54,442 Come on, I need you focused tonight. 67 00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:55,676 No more sexting. 68 00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:57,278 Just put it away and tell him to do the same. 69 00:02:57,311 --> 00:03:00,348 All right, let me just find the eggplant emoji 70 00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:02,216 and, of course, the pants. 71 00:03:02,250 --> 00:03:05,253 (knocking) 72 00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:09,423 Hey, girls. 73 00:03:09,457 --> 00:03:11,692 (cheers and applause) 74 00:03:11,725 --> 00:03:13,261 Oh, do you need a hand there, Soph-- 75 00:03:13,294 --> 00:03:14,728 I can do it! 76 00:03:16,464 --> 00:03:19,700 Sophie, why the enormous old-timey stroller? 77 00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:20,901 There better be a cartoon baby 78 00:03:20,934 --> 00:03:23,304 dressed like Al Capone in that thing. 79 00:03:23,337 --> 00:03:24,705 Hey, girls, 80 00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:28,842 can Barbara and me stay down here tonight? 81 00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:30,944 Oleg and I can't have sex for two more weeks 82 00:03:30,978 --> 00:03:33,314 and it's just getting too steamy up there. 83 00:03:33,347 --> 00:03:36,016 So, that explains the heavy panting 84 00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:38,886 we're hearing through our ceiling, our walls, and 85 00:03:38,919 --> 00:03:41,489 most disturbing of all, our drain. 86 00:03:41,522 --> 00:03:43,757 I gotta pee. 87 00:03:44,858 --> 00:03:46,927 I gotta go all the time now. 88 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,729 You know, that's something that you girls 89 00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:50,731 need to know about me. 90 00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:52,800 Any time that we talk, 91 00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:54,902 I'm peeing a little bit. 92 00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:59,239 Uh--yeah. 93 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:03,644 Oh. 94 00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:07,481 There's daddy's little jock block. 95 00:04:07,515 --> 00:04:10,884 (sighs) I tried to release my sexual frustration creatively, 96 00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:12,386 but my erotic poetry 97 00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:14,888 was rejected by National Pornographic 98 00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:18,659 for being, quote, "just disgusting." 99 00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:20,761 My sexts are so lame. 100 00:04:20,794 --> 00:04:22,496 Why can't I be disgusting? 101 00:04:22,530 --> 00:04:25,733 There's a burrito stuck to the side of your dresser. 102 00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:26,800 You're there. 103 00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:31,772 "Can't wait for you to put your butt 104 00:04:31,805 --> 00:04:33,741 "on top of...my butt 105 00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:36,043 in my pants"? 106 00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:38,779 Jeez, thanks for the nice break from being horny. 107 00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:41,915 I am not proud of how not slutty it is. 108 00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:44,618 Now, give me back my phone. It hasn't had its shots. 109 00:04:44,652 --> 00:04:46,987 -Sent. -What? 110 00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:50,658 "Your testicles are two glistening Cadbury Eggs, 111 00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:53,794 and Mama's got a sweet tooth." 112 00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:56,530 This mama's got puke in her mouth. 113 00:04:56,564 --> 00:05:00,067 I cannot believe you'd send something so disgusting. 114 00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:01,535 You are dead to m-- (text swoosh) 115 00:05:01,569 --> 00:05:03,036 (gasps) He likes it! 116 00:05:03,070 --> 00:05:04,805 You want to turn a man on? 117 00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:06,474 Heh, you call Oleg. 118 00:05:11,912 --> 00:05:15,015 (strained moans) 119 00:05:17,618 --> 00:05:19,787 I hope it doesn't make you too jealous, but 120 00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:23,824 I was just sexting with Randy. 121 00:05:23,857 --> 00:05:24,825 Yeah? 122 00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:28,496 -Yeah? -Oh... 123 00:05:28,529 --> 00:05:31,565 (strained moans) 124 00:05:31,599 --> 00:05:33,434 Caroline, get the hose. 125 00:05:33,467 --> 00:05:37,571 * * 126 00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:39,707 Okay, now remember, we're targeting models, gays, 127 00:05:39,740 --> 00:05:42,810 and upwardly mobile millennials with discretionary income. 128 00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:44,978 Basically anyone better than us. 129 00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:46,580 Were you talking to me that whole time? 130 00:05:46,614 --> 00:05:47,748 And yes, I was talking to you that whole time. 131 00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:49,483 IDs, please? 132 00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:53,687 You know they don't force you to use 133 00:05:53,721 --> 00:05:54,755 the first picture they take. 134 00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:57,391 I'm eating a pickle in mine. 135 00:05:58,659 --> 00:06:01,429 I think you look great. 136 00:06:01,462 --> 00:06:03,431 Hi, I'm Jake. 137 00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:04,698 Hi, Jake. 138 00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:05,899 ID, Jake? 139 00:06:05,933 --> 00:06:07,535 He's about 27, 140 00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:09,437 lots of discresh income? 141 00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:11,138 27 exactly. 142 00:06:11,171 --> 00:06:14,141 Guess my weight and I'll buy you a drink. 143 00:06:14,174 --> 00:06:18,145 So, um, how do you maintain such a dork-less clientele? 144 00:06:18,178 --> 00:06:20,648 I need to know 'cause I have a roommate situation. 145 00:06:20,681 --> 00:06:22,550 Watch and learn, pickles. 146 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:24,952 Oh, sweet, 147 00:06:24,985 --> 00:06:27,621 I found Carmen Sandiego. 148 00:06:27,655 --> 00:06:29,590 I don't know where in the world you're going, buddy, 149 00:06:29,623 --> 00:06:31,959 but it ain't in here. 150 00:06:31,992 --> 00:06:33,461 (both laugh) 151 00:06:34,995 --> 00:06:36,530 Oh, you got this. 152 00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:38,432 But do not let the guy in the overalls 153 00:06:38,466 --> 00:06:42,035 get out of here without me calling him "Farmer Yawn." 154 00:06:42,069 --> 00:06:44,037 Max, I am killing it. 155 00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:45,706 Jake, you've met. 156 00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:48,776 Nahani and Ariel are models. They can eat whatever they want. 157 00:06:48,809 --> 00:06:50,043 * Hate them 158 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,679 And then, this is Tad 159 00:06:51,712 --> 00:06:52,780 and Jameson, they're gay. 160 00:06:52,813 --> 00:06:54,181 I perform reenactments 161 00:06:54,214 --> 00:06:58,118 of the life and tragic death of Amy Winehouse with Barbies. 162 00:06:58,151 --> 00:07:00,688 I work at Staples. 163 00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:03,691 Oh, power couple. 164 00:07:07,628 --> 00:07:10,864 None of New York's elite are here, besides me. 165 00:07:10,898 --> 00:07:14,668 I guess I'm not going backstage at Barbie Winehouse. 166 00:07:14,702 --> 00:07:15,969 You tried to make them come to this bar 167 00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:18,105 and they said, "No, no, no." 168 00:07:19,807 --> 00:07:21,875 (gasps) My gay guys at 12:00. 169 00:07:21,909 --> 00:07:23,577 I spoke too soon. 170 00:07:23,611 --> 00:07:24,878 And you spat a little. 171 00:07:24,912 --> 00:07:26,747 Tad! Jameson! 172 00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,782 Welcome to the M and C Dessert Bar. 173 00:07:28,816 --> 00:07:30,951 No, you're not dreaming! 174 00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:33,821 If they were, we'd be shirtless dudes. 175 00:07:33,854 --> 00:07:35,222 This place is fabulous. 176 00:07:35,255 --> 00:07:37,791 Can I have one of these cookie dough-tinis? 177 00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:38,959 It's my cheat night, 178 00:07:38,992 --> 00:07:41,128 that's why I'm with him. 179 00:07:42,162 --> 00:07:45,132 (jovial commotion) 180 00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:48,836 Hmm, not sure who these gals are. 181 00:07:48,869 --> 00:07:52,573 Max, did you talk about this place at Pep Boys? 182 00:07:52,606 --> 00:07:55,876 I told Manny and Moe, but I didn't say a word to Jack. 183 00:07:57,277 --> 00:07:59,647 Oh, Tad. Let me get you another one. 184 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:00,614 It's fine, it's fine. 185 00:08:00,648 --> 00:08:01,815 -It is? -No. 186 00:08:01,849 --> 00:08:03,851 That's gay for "we're leaving." 187 00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:09,623 They chased off my hot gay guys. 188 00:08:09,657 --> 00:08:10,824 I don't want to be rude here, 189 00:08:10,858 --> 00:08:13,761 but who invited these horrible women? 190 00:08:13,794 --> 00:08:16,163 Charlene's in the house! 191 00:08:16,196 --> 00:08:17,665 (cheering) 192 00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:19,800 And there it is. Damn it, Max. 193 00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,101 Why did you invite your bouncer buddy 194 00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:22,936 when you know I'm trying to cultivate a vibe? 195 00:08:22,970 --> 00:08:24,572 I didn't invite her. 196 00:08:24,605 --> 00:08:26,807 And I did not think she'd be wearing gym shorts 197 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,108 and a SUNY Albany sweatshirt. 198 00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:30,010 Hey, I know you guys were trying 199 00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:31,311 to get the cool crowd in here, 200 00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:32,746 so, you know, 201 00:08:32,780 --> 00:08:34,247 boom! 202 00:08:34,281 --> 00:08:36,650 And where are they? The cool people? 203 00:08:36,684 --> 00:08:37,718 All right. Take it easy. 204 00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:38,952 Maybe they are cool. 205 00:08:38,986 --> 00:08:41,088 Is that one eating a PB and J? 206 00:08:42,890 --> 00:08:44,091 All right! 207 00:08:44,124 --> 00:08:47,227 Who wants to take on Big Reba? 208 00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:48,729 Take on how? 209 00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:49,963 Max, you speak Goon. 210 00:08:49,997 --> 00:08:52,766 How? How--how? 211 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,001 Not fluently. 212 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,303 I only lived in Goon for a semester. 213 00:08:56,336 --> 00:08:57,771 You're on. 214 00:08:57,805 --> 00:08:59,106 On how? 215 00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:00,073 How--how? 216 00:09:02,275 --> 00:09:04,177 CAROLINE: Oh good, they brought rope. 217 00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:07,648 I hope they brought some for me too. 218 00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:10,618 And they did not bring deodorant. 219 00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:11,885 Ladies, what is this 220 00:09:11,919 --> 00:09:14,154 and how can we make it stop? 221 00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:16,857 You got a front row seat to New York City's elite 222 00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,726 underground ladies' arm wrestling. 223 00:09:18,759 --> 00:09:22,362 One, two, three, 224 00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:23,697 wrestle! 225 00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:26,700 (all shouting) 226 00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:31,705 Oh, my God. 227 00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:34,808 I own an arm wrestling bar. 228 00:09:34,842 --> 00:09:35,876 No, you don't. 229 00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:37,678 We own an arm wrestling bar! 230 00:09:37,711 --> 00:09:40,648 (screaming) 231 00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:42,282 * * 232 00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:44,217 I hope you're texting Charlene and the rest of 233 00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:49,122 her WWE Raw crowd to never come back to our bar. 234 00:09:49,156 --> 00:09:51,692 Uh, you were sobbing and begging them to stop. 235 00:09:51,725 --> 00:09:53,026 I think she got the message. 236 00:09:53,060 --> 00:09:55,095 I don't know if she was listening. 237 00:09:55,128 --> 00:09:58,398 She was carrying Big Reba around on her shoulders. 238 00:09:58,431 --> 00:09:59,399 This is pitiful. 239 00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:02,235 I just sexted Randy a picture of a penguin. 240 00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:05,372 I don't even think penguins are that sexy! 241 00:10:05,405 --> 00:10:08,709 Oh, my God. Everything is turning me on. 242 00:10:08,742 --> 00:10:11,078 I just walked in on an elderly lady in the bathroom 243 00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:13,647 and almost lost my mind. 244 00:10:13,681 --> 00:10:15,182 What were you doing in the ladies' room? 245 00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:17,617 All right, fine, it was a man. 246 00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:20,721 Yeah, we all have problems. 247 00:10:20,754 --> 00:10:22,222 I have sexter's block. 248 00:10:22,255 --> 00:10:24,424 Want me to take a stab at it? 249 00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:27,227 See, that's already better than anything I have. 250 00:10:27,260 --> 00:10:28,729 Just write it down. I don't want 251 00:10:28,762 --> 00:10:30,263 your fingerprints on my phone. 252 00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:32,700 You think I still have fingerprints? 253 00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:35,235 Oh, my God. 254 00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:37,370 Are you really gonna have sext with Oleg? 255 00:10:37,404 --> 00:10:39,339 I don't know why you think I'm above this. 256 00:10:39,372 --> 00:10:42,142 Out of the way. Earl's looking for me. 257 00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:44,177 And as soon as he realizes he's outside, 258 00:10:44,211 --> 00:10:45,946 I'm in big trouble. 259 00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:48,281 Can you unfollow a person in real life? 260 00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:51,752 Where would he least expect me to hide this? 261 00:10:51,785 --> 00:10:53,286 Up high? 262 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:56,423 "Shorty wouldn't go high," Earl would say. 263 00:10:56,456 --> 00:10:58,859 Oh, won't I, Earl? 264 00:10:58,892 --> 00:11:00,994 Han, you're talking to yourself. 265 00:11:01,028 --> 00:11:03,897 And why don't you just buy another stool? 266 00:11:03,931 --> 00:11:05,465 Earl wants this one. 267 00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:08,201 And for once in his life, he's not gonna get what he wants! 268 00:11:08,235 --> 00:11:11,905 I'll just keep it under here till he forgets about it. 269 00:11:11,939 --> 00:11:13,373 Which should be in about an hour. 270 00:11:13,406 --> 00:11:17,010 Yesterday I caught him putting pennies on his sandwich. 271 00:11:17,044 --> 00:11:19,412 Hide and seek, old timer. 272 00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:22,783 I don't know how it's possible, 273 00:11:22,816 --> 00:11:24,484 but he's getting weirder. 274 00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:27,320 Those wrestlers won't be back tonight, right, Max? 275 00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:29,790 Right, God? Are you there, God? 276 00:11:29,823 --> 00:11:33,927 It's me, Caroline, the one you forgot about? 277 00:11:33,961 --> 00:11:36,396 Where'd that turd hide my stool? 278 00:11:41,101 --> 00:11:42,169 Thanks, y'all. 279 00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:44,738 I knew Shorty wouldn't go high. 280 00:11:47,174 --> 00:11:48,441 Oleg, how you doing over there? 281 00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:51,779 You're gonna need a bigger data plan. 282 00:11:52,980 --> 00:11:54,081 * * 283 00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:56,416 (commotion) 284 00:11:56,449 --> 00:11:58,952 Max, it's been two nights in a row. 285 00:11:58,986 --> 00:12:00,487 If we don't nip this in the bud, 286 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:03,356 we're both gonna be lady arm wrestlers' girlfriends. 287 00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:05,225 You're not exactly thriving 288 00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:08,028 not being a lady arm wrestler's girlfriend. 289 00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,797 And I don't see what the problem is. 290 00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:10,964 They're paying customers. 291 00:12:10,998 --> 00:12:12,833 They're drinking beer. 292 00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:18,071 From a helmet they brought with them. 293 00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:19,439 Oh, no, no, no, no. 294 00:12:19,472 --> 00:12:23,243 Don't go, don't go. Please, please, sir. 295 00:12:23,276 --> 00:12:25,512 Well, the last of our vibe is leaving. 296 00:12:25,545 --> 00:12:28,748 Pretty sure all these ladies have vibes. 297 00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:32,252 Guessing vintage plug-ins. 298 00:12:32,285 --> 00:12:34,521 That's it. Everybody! 299 00:12:34,554 --> 00:12:35,655 Everybody! 300 00:12:35,688 --> 00:12:39,192 You cannot have your arm wrestling meetings here anymore. 301 00:12:39,226 --> 00:12:41,094 Find a dock or a junkyard 302 00:12:41,128 --> 00:12:44,264 or a Buffalo Wild Wings. 303 00:12:44,297 --> 00:12:46,099 Who wants to drink where they work? 304 00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:49,102 -Yeah. -Yeah. 305 00:12:49,136 --> 00:12:50,971 This is discrimination. 306 00:12:51,004 --> 00:12:53,006 -Yeah! -Yeah. 307 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:56,276 Look, miss, I am extremely pro-lesbian. 308 00:12:56,309 --> 00:12:57,277 (audience groans) 309 00:12:57,310 --> 00:13:00,113 Please be lesbians. 310 00:13:00,147 --> 00:13:01,882 We're not lesbians. 311 00:13:01,915 --> 00:13:03,917 Ooh, swing and a miss. 312 00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:07,387 Actually, I am. 313 00:13:07,420 --> 00:13:09,990 That's the first time I've said that out loud, isn't it? 314 00:13:10,023 --> 00:13:12,826 Wow, that's freeing. 315 00:13:12,860 --> 00:13:16,296 I am just anti-arm wrestling in my dessert bar. 316 00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:17,564 Well, tough ta-tas. 317 00:13:17,597 --> 00:13:20,133 Which happens to be my other nickname. 318 00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:22,202 Go ahead, take a shot. 319 00:13:23,203 --> 00:13:25,038 I'll pass. 320 00:13:25,072 --> 00:13:26,306 MAX: Hold on, um, 321 00:13:26,339 --> 00:13:30,878 is that an open offer on the, uh, ta-ta punch? 322 00:13:30,911 --> 00:13:33,213 Will you at least order some drinks? 323 00:13:33,246 --> 00:13:35,015 Okay, we'll order 324 00:13:35,048 --> 00:13:36,316 12 waters. 325 00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:37,417 Tap. 326 00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:39,186 (laughter) 327 00:13:39,219 --> 00:13:41,088 You guys, please, this is my dream. 328 00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:44,357 And my dream doesn't have soda-stained sweatpants in it. 329 00:13:44,391 --> 00:13:47,961 It's jelly, but whatever. 330 00:13:47,995 --> 00:13:49,329 I'm a reasonable woman. 331 00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:51,564 Yes, that is true. 332 00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:54,902 She's more reasonable than the Big Reba at the train station. 333 00:13:54,935 --> 00:13:56,569 Fine, we'll leave. 334 00:13:56,603 --> 00:13:59,639 If one of you can beat me arm wrestling. 335 00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:02,042 But if neither of you can, 336 00:14:02,075 --> 00:14:03,911 my squad and I stay. 337 00:14:03,944 --> 00:14:05,178 (squad grumbles affirmatively) 338 00:14:05,212 --> 00:14:08,015 Getting real '80s movie up in here. 339 00:14:08,048 --> 00:14:09,349 Huh? Who's it gonna be? 340 00:14:09,382 --> 00:14:11,351 It has to be you, Max. I'm weak, 341 00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:14,354 fragile, beautiful, but approachable. 342 00:14:14,387 --> 00:14:16,356 Ready to get taught a lesson there, Jugsy? 343 00:14:16,389 --> 00:14:19,960 (scoffs) School's in session, Reebs. 344 00:14:19,993 --> 00:14:21,494 But call me Max. 345 00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:23,630 Jugsy is my mother's name. 346 00:14:25,132 --> 00:14:26,466 Do it, Max. 347 00:14:26,499 --> 00:14:28,936 She is gonna take you down 348 00:14:28,969 --> 00:14:30,170 to downtown... 349 00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:31,104 Mmm. 350 00:14:31,138 --> 00:14:32,272 In a car, 351 00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:33,473 made of... 352 00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:36,009 pain. 353 00:14:36,043 --> 00:14:37,644 Maybe just watch. 354 00:14:37,677 --> 00:14:42,349 On my count. One, two, three, wrestle! 355 00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:45,485 (screaming) 356 00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:48,488 (whimpering) 357 00:14:48,521 --> 00:14:50,257 (roars) 358 00:14:50,290 --> 00:14:52,259 (yelling) Oh--oh! 359 00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:56,129 Wrist can't hold! Nothing in the tank! 360 00:14:56,163 --> 00:14:58,498 All the sexting! 361 00:14:58,531 --> 00:15:01,168 Fight, Max! Put your back into it! 362 00:15:01,201 --> 00:15:03,003 My back's shot too. 363 00:15:03,036 --> 00:15:04,137 Haven't you seen my front? 364 00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:07,307 (screams) 365 00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:11,178 (cheering) 366 00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:14,147 We're staying, girls! 367 00:15:14,181 --> 00:15:15,282 Max, what are we gonna do? 368 00:15:15,315 --> 00:15:16,683 I think it's pretty clear. 369 00:15:16,716 --> 00:15:18,986 You're gonna have to arm wrestle Big Reba. 370 00:15:19,019 --> 00:15:21,388 Can't I just marry her? 371 00:15:24,091 --> 00:15:25,425 Come on now, Caroline, you got this. 372 00:15:25,458 --> 00:15:29,362 You've been wrestling with disappointment for years. 373 00:15:29,396 --> 00:15:31,464 And I'm losing. 374 00:15:31,498 --> 00:15:32,599 On my count. 375 00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:35,535 One, two, three, 376 00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:36,436 wrestle! 377 00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:39,539 (screaming) 378 00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:40,707 Ya'll seen the stool? 379 00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:42,309 Han hid it again. 380 00:15:42,342 --> 00:15:44,711 What in the sweet name of Jesus is going on in here? 381 00:15:44,744 --> 00:15:47,047 Earl, I'm trying to motivate Caroline. 382 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:48,515 Do you remember any of the lines from Rocky? 383 00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:51,584 I'm gonna tell you what I tell three tourists a day. 384 00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:54,454 I am not Carl Weathers. 385 00:15:54,487 --> 00:15:56,323 Max, I'm losing it! 386 00:15:56,356 --> 00:15:58,325 -Help that poor girl. -Uh, Caroline, 387 00:15:58,358 --> 00:16:00,427 look at all these arm wrestling ladies 388 00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:01,694 in your dream dessert bar! 389 00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:04,097 You were aiming for five years of class, 390 00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:05,632 you didn't even get an hour! 391 00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:09,069 (grunting) 392 00:16:09,102 --> 00:16:13,773 Hey, I can't get the carriage in the dessert bar! 393 00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:18,078 The only place it would fit was the car wash. 394 00:16:18,111 --> 00:16:19,712 Hey, what is all this? 395 00:16:19,746 --> 00:16:21,681 Caroline is trying win our bar back, 396 00:16:21,714 --> 00:16:23,083 and I'm trying to inspire her 397 00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:24,684 by pointing out how bad her life is. 398 00:16:24,717 --> 00:16:27,354 And I didn't get a text? 399 00:16:27,387 --> 00:16:28,788 Max, help! 400 00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:32,325 Uh...you haven't had sex in a year! 401 00:16:32,359 --> 00:16:35,495 And I think you know I'm being quite generous there. 402 00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:36,796 (screams) 403 00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:40,100 It's working. She's lonely. 404 00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:43,403 You chased a dollar onto the third rail of the subway, 405 00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:44,371 and you didn't get it! 406 00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:47,440 (screams) 407 00:16:47,474 --> 00:16:49,776 You work as a waitress in a diner! 408 00:16:49,809 --> 00:16:52,712 (roars) 409 00:16:52,745 --> 00:16:55,115 Did you mention the waitress thing? 410 00:16:55,148 --> 00:16:56,416 Yes, I just did, Earl. 411 00:16:56,449 --> 00:17:00,120 Sorry, things are getting to me a little late. 412 00:17:00,153 --> 00:17:02,689 Wait, did--did you tell her that baby Barbara 413 00:17:02,722 --> 00:17:04,491 is gonna get married before she is? 414 00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:07,360 (screams) 415 00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:08,495 Caroline, 416 00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:09,662 six years ago, 417 00:17:09,696 --> 00:17:11,298 you had a billion dollars, 418 00:17:11,331 --> 00:17:13,400 and now-- I'm gonna say it... 419 00:17:13,433 --> 00:17:15,068 Say it! 420 00:17:16,436 --> 00:17:18,538 Old Navy is out of your price range! 421 00:17:18,571 --> 00:17:19,739 (wails) 422 00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:23,410 (cheers and applause) 423 00:17:23,443 --> 00:17:28,548 * * 424 00:17:28,581 --> 00:17:30,383 I haven't heard from Randy. 425 00:17:30,417 --> 00:17:34,087 Oleg's graphic sexts must've freaked him out. 426 00:17:34,121 --> 00:17:37,490 Even Siri covered her eyes after that last one I sent. 427 00:17:39,726 --> 00:17:41,494 You ask Michelangelo to paint, 428 00:17:41,528 --> 00:17:44,564 and then you criticize the painting. 429 00:17:44,597 --> 00:17:47,800 Why are you bringing the Ninja Turtles into this? 430 00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:49,769 I just want to know what to do now. 431 00:17:49,802 --> 00:17:52,172 I completely understand if you don't 432 00:17:52,205 --> 00:17:55,575 want to take love advice from an arm wrestling champion, 433 00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:59,412 but why don't you just say "hi" or "I miss you"? 434 00:17:59,446 --> 00:18:02,649 "Hi, I miss you"? 435 00:18:02,682 --> 00:18:05,352 No "in my pants"? 436 00:18:05,385 --> 00:18:07,354 Okay, fine. I'll give it a shot. 437 00:18:08,821 --> 00:18:10,157 Hey everyb-- 438 00:18:10,190 --> 00:18:13,293 (cheers and applause) 439 00:18:14,627 --> 00:18:15,795 Damn it. 440 00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:17,430 Do you need a hand there, Sophie? 441 00:18:17,464 --> 00:18:19,399 No, I got it! 442 00:18:23,403 --> 00:18:25,605 You really don't. 443 00:18:25,638 --> 00:18:28,641 Earl, you can have the stool. 444 00:18:28,675 --> 00:18:31,344 I've had a really hard year, 445 00:18:31,378 --> 00:18:33,246 and I allowed myself this one indulgence. 446 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:34,481 But, if it's important-- 447 00:18:34,514 --> 00:18:36,849 Sweet, I'll take it. 448 00:18:36,883 --> 00:18:38,451 Oof! Cold as ice. 449 00:18:38,485 --> 00:18:41,188 I didn't come here to make friends. 450 00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:43,390 No stool for you. 451 00:18:43,423 --> 00:18:45,425 Hey--hey, why don't we settle this 452 00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:48,228 the 80s movie way and arm muscle for it? 453 00:18:48,261 --> 00:18:51,498 At my age, only thing I can beat is a little girl. 454 00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:53,200 So, yeah. 455 00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:57,237 Bring it on. 456 00:18:57,270 --> 00:19:00,907 This little girl's tougher than she looks. 457 00:19:00,940 --> 00:19:02,509 EARL: You won't be able 458 00:19:02,542 --> 00:19:04,844 to sit on that damn thing after the ass whooping 459 00:19:04,877 --> 00:19:07,947 I'm about to lay on you, Shorty. 460 00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:11,384 Shorty's ass can take a lot, old man! 461 00:19:11,418 --> 00:19:13,920 We don't want to hear about your personal life, Han. 462 00:19:13,953 --> 00:19:18,558 One, two, three, wrestle! 463 00:19:22,229 --> 00:19:24,797 Have they started yet? 464 00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:27,267 When this is over, 465 00:19:27,300 --> 00:19:29,569 I'm gonna be wiped out. 466 00:19:29,602 --> 00:19:32,839 You gonna help me carry my stool back up there? 467 00:19:32,872 --> 00:19:34,807 Here's an idea. 468 00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:36,809 Yeah, you say it, Han! 469 00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:39,346 Burn in hell! 470 00:19:40,713 --> 00:19:43,683 (both straining) 471 00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:51,658 (strained moans) 472 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:57,364 Remember when I used to make you moan like that? 473 00:19:58,598 --> 00:20:01,534 (moaning) 474 00:20:04,637 --> 00:20:07,774 You really turn me on. 475 00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:10,910 (various strained moans) 476 00:20:16,283 --> 00:20:19,352 Barbara, you stay with your daddy. 477 00:20:19,386 --> 00:20:22,389 He's a very sexy man. 478 00:20:24,391 --> 00:20:26,893 Randy texted me back "I miss you." 479 00:20:26,926 --> 00:20:28,795 Aw, that's so sweet. 480 00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:31,664 Oh! In his pants! 481 00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:33,866 (grunts) Damn, Han, 482 00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:37,970 I didn't realize bad breath was your secret weapon. 483 00:20:40,673 --> 00:20:42,675 (cheers and applause) 484 00:20:42,709 --> 00:20:45,645 Stool me, Shorty. 485 00:20:45,678 --> 00:20:47,880 Who am I wrestling for the hemorrhoid doughnut? 486 00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:50,283 * * 487 00:20:50,317 --> 00:20:51,451 (cash register bell dings) 488 00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:57,890 (upbeat rock music) 489 00:20:57,924 --> 00:21:05,031 *