1
00:00:01,802 --> 00:00:05,606
So it's a tequila shot on
top of Devil's food cake.

2
00:00:05,639 --> 00:00:07,241
We can call it Satan's nipple.

3
00:00:08,709 --> 00:00:12,012
Okay, but I think the menu's
already a little nipple heavy.

4
00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:14,515
As am I.

5
00:00:16,117 --> 00:00:17,651
Girls, two questions--

6
00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:19,353
-No.
-And no.

7
00:00:19,387 --> 00:00:22,456
I was coming to see how baby
Barbara's baptism was coming.

8
00:00:22,490 --> 00:00:26,127
Also, what drink goes best
with a heavy muscle relaxer?

9
00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:31,031
I'd try the nipple-tini
or the piña co-nipple.

10
00:00:32,833 --> 00:00:34,335
Oleg, are you okay?

11
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:36,370
I haven't seen you this
wound up since California

12
00:00:36,404 --> 00:00:38,839
passed that law to make
porn actors wear condoms.

13
00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:40,541
It ruins the visuals.

14
00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:44,412
You're the godparents,
and my mama is coming

15
00:00:44,445 --> 00:00:46,447
all the way from
the Ukraine for this baptism,

16
00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:49,583
so it's got to be
balls to the walls perfect.

17
00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:54,522
Not that balls on walls
isn't a fun theme,

18
00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:56,290
but I'm thinking of going
another way

19
00:00:56,324 --> 00:00:57,625
with the baptism party,

20
00:00:57,658 --> 00:01:01,195
what with there being
a child involved.

21
00:01:01,229 --> 00:01:03,097
Now, if you don't mind,
we're not supposed to be

22
00:01:03,131 --> 00:01:05,099
at the diner for 10 minutes,
so we'll see you there

23
00:01:05,133 --> 00:01:06,434
in like an hour.

24
00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:08,136
What's this?
Eh, doesn't matter.

25
00:01:09,837 --> 00:01:13,141
(coughs)

26
00:01:16,144 --> 00:01:18,312
Whatever it is,
put that on the menu.

27
00:01:19,747 --> 00:01:22,316
(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

28
00:01:22,350 --> 00:01:23,851
(cash register bell dings)

29
00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:27,388
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

30
00:01:31,459 --> 00:01:34,328
Caroline, did you get
my RSVP to the baptism?

31
00:01:34,362 --> 00:01:37,498
Sure did, two seconds
after I sent the evite.

32
00:01:38,899 --> 00:01:40,334
Sorry about the lag time.

33
00:01:40,368 --> 00:01:42,403
I thought I was
being punked again.

34
00:01:43,671 --> 00:01:46,240
But, I'm happy to help
on an official level.

35
00:01:46,274 --> 00:01:48,876
I've been involved in many
baptisms at my church.

36
00:01:48,909 --> 00:01:51,412
The Church of
Latter Day Smurfs?

37
00:01:54,582 --> 00:01:57,218
For your information,
I've achieved a position

38
00:01:57,251 --> 00:01:58,386
of some stature.

39
00:01:58,419 --> 00:01:59,420
Papa Smurf?

40
00:02:01,389 --> 00:02:02,723
It's not a Smurf church!

41
00:02:04,392 --> 00:02:05,593
I want to be the altar boy.

42
00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:08,596
Okay, but no Communion wine
for you.

43
00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,398
You get slutty
when you drink.

44
00:02:12,900 --> 00:02:14,568
Oh, look, Oleg's mom's here.

45
00:02:20,941 --> 00:02:23,411
More clean-shaven
than I expected.

46
00:02:24,945 --> 00:02:27,315
Really, girls?
Mom jokes?

47
00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:29,683
Oleg.

48
00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:32,152
Mama!

49
00:02:33,287 --> 00:02:37,491
My gorgeous, beautiful,
sexy baby boy.

50
00:02:38,626 --> 00:02:40,694
He didn't tell us
she was blind.

51
00:02:40,728 --> 00:02:43,297
-Mmm.
-Mmm.

52
00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:48,269
Should we stop this before Oleg
becomes his own step-father?

53
00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:53,607
To think I made this.

54
00:02:53,641 --> 00:02:55,776
You win some,
you lose some.

55
00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:58,479
I look fantastic, eh?

56
00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:01,282
I've been doing
Pilatskis.

57
00:03:01,315 --> 00:03:04,285
Like Pilates, only
instead of rubber bands

58
00:03:04,318 --> 00:03:07,421
you do it with
big airplane tires.

59
00:03:07,455 --> 00:03:09,957
Oh, mama, you're back to
your shot-putting weight.

60
00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:11,325
Ahh.

61
00:03:11,359 --> 00:03:15,629
Feel my thigh, eh?
Squeeze it.

62
00:03:15,663 --> 00:03:16,697
Harder.

63
00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:18,266
Harder!

64
00:03:18,299 --> 00:03:19,267
All right,
now punch it.

65
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:21,502
Like mother/son
fight club.

66
00:03:22,836 --> 00:03:25,439
Hi, I'm Caroline Channing.

67
00:03:25,473 --> 00:03:26,874
They're making a movie about me,

68
00:03:26,907 --> 00:03:28,476
but I'm just a regular person.

69
00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:31,545
That they're making
a movie about.

70
00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:34,248
I'm Max Black-- I'm sure you've
heard about me from Oleg

71
00:03:34,282 --> 00:03:36,884
or Channel 7 Scam Busters.

72
00:03:36,917 --> 00:03:39,587
Oh, and this is Earl.
He runs the register,

73
00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:42,723
and he's the reason we know
our defibrillator works.

74
00:03:42,756 --> 00:03:47,027
Yeah, thanks for bringing me
back from heaven, girls.

75
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:49,997
If you need a place to crash,
my roommate is out of town

76
00:03:50,030 --> 00:03:51,432
for the weekend.

77
00:03:51,465 --> 00:03:55,336
Mm, well,
I do like Black Russians,

78
00:03:55,369 --> 00:03:56,670
so we're halfway there.

79
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:03,311
Sorry, Earl, she's spoken for.
She's dating my Uncle Oleg.

80
00:04:04,512 --> 00:04:07,014
Well, if you two ever
decide to tie the knot,

81
00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:10,584
I am a Universal Life Minister.

82
00:04:10,618 --> 00:04:12,320
Did I mention my roommate's out

83
00:04:12,353 --> 00:04:14,622
of town for the weekend?

84
00:04:14,655 --> 00:04:17,558
I'm only asking
'cause I forgot.

85
00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:22,996
Mrs. Golishevsky, Han Lee,
your son's boss.

86
00:04:23,030 --> 00:04:24,432
He's a great--

87
00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:28,536
A good--

88
00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:32,673
We haven't had to--
Welcome!

89
00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:37,478
Max and I are the godparents,
Mrs. Golishevsky.

90
00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:38,646
I know what you're thinking:

91
00:04:38,679 --> 00:04:41,081
I look too young
to have a godbaby.

92
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,651
Don't tell me
what I'm thinking.

93
00:04:45,453 --> 00:04:49,323
Two godmommies?
Really?

94
00:04:49,357 --> 00:04:52,426
All right, no, I get it.
I'm very hip.

95
00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:55,396
Who among us has
not kissed a woman?

96
00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:58,366
Han.

97
00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:04,572
It was a pleasure to--

98
00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:06,807
You seem--

99
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:09,377
I'm so happy we--

100
00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:10,511
Catch you later.

101
00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:15,549
Hey, everybody.

102
00:05:18,719 --> 00:05:21,389
I would've gotten here sooner,
but Teresa Giudice

103
00:05:21,422 --> 00:05:25,726
was on Hoda & Kathie Lee,
and Barbara wanted to watch.

104
00:05:31,432 --> 00:05:33,467
It's okay--
she's strapped in.

105
00:05:34,768 --> 00:05:39,640
This is my beautiful wife and my
beautiful baby mama, mama.

106
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:42,976
It's a pleasure,
I know.

107
00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:47,715
How can you listen to
that accent all day long?

108
00:05:48,816 --> 00:05:50,418
Yikes.

109
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:53,921
Yikes?

110
00:05:53,954 --> 00:05:57,791
It means...she yikes it.

111
00:05:57,825 --> 00:06:00,428
Oh, there she is.

112
00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:04,598
Little baby Bair-bra.

113
00:06:04,632 --> 00:06:08,569
You know, I would have
named her Bohuslava.

114
00:06:08,602 --> 00:06:12,005
Isn't that
a prettier name, Oleg?

115
00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:12,973
(spits)

116
00:06:15,509 --> 00:06:19,647
No, we like Barbara,
don't we, Oleg?

117
00:06:20,981 --> 00:06:23,517
Anybody gonna put in
an order around here?

118
00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:32,125
Wow, haven't been
to a church in, uh...

119
00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:34,528
Have I ever
been to a church?

120
00:06:34,562 --> 00:06:37,631
If I burst into flames,
you can have all my possessions.

121
00:06:37,665 --> 00:06:39,800
Great, I'm really looking
forward to owning

122
00:06:39,833 --> 00:06:42,670
two bongs and
a treasure map.

123
00:06:42,703 --> 00:06:46,474
Oh, that's just a place mat
from Bubba Gump's.

124
00:06:46,507 --> 00:06:48,609
Learned that
the hard way.

125
00:06:48,642 --> 00:06:50,177
Hi, Mrs. Golishevsky.

126
00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:51,679
You look so nice.

127
00:06:51,712 --> 00:06:55,916
I don't look nice.
I look fantastic.

128
00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:57,485
This is Father Kozac.

129
00:06:57,518 --> 00:07:00,053
He will be performing
the baptism.

130
00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:05,559
Yes, and I also perform
in an R&B group.

131
00:07:05,593 --> 00:07:08,529
You may have heard of us:
Altar Boys to Men?

132
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:13,066
You two have to wear
this on your heads,

133
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,868
to show respect for God.

134
00:07:14,902 --> 00:07:18,205
And also because most
Ukrainian women are bald.

135
00:07:19,607 --> 00:07:20,974
Hands up!
Give me the baby!

136
00:07:22,710 --> 00:07:26,179
All rightsky,
should we get started?

137
00:07:26,213 --> 00:07:29,550
Em, here you go, Max.

138
00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:30,651
Oh, hmm.

139
00:07:30,684 --> 00:07:32,753
What, like a hot-potato
situation?

140
00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:39,226
Before the baptism, the father
will question you about

141
00:07:39,259 --> 00:07:42,029
guiding the spiritual life
of the child.

142
00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:44,998
You know, taking her to church,

143
00:07:45,032 --> 00:07:47,134
making sure she only wears pants

144
00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:48,902
to drive the tractor.

145
00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:51,939
Yeah, then I will say a prayer,

146
00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:53,941
you hand me the baby...

147
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:55,142
(thud)

148
00:07:58,011 --> 00:08:03,050
And I will baptize her like so.

149
00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:04,818
Eh?

150
00:08:04,852 --> 00:08:08,589
So basically we're just
waterboarding a baby.

151
00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:11,559
Excuse me, do you know
what a baptism is?

152
00:08:11,592 --> 00:08:14,227
No, she knows,
she's just shy.

153
00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:16,864
So, Max, do you pray?

154
00:08:16,897 --> 00:08:21,068
Oh, she prays all
the time, right, Max?

155
00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:23,236
I'm always hearing her
in her bedroom say,

156
00:08:23,270 --> 00:08:26,506
"Oh God, oh God, oh God!"

157
00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:30,911
One of those times was
because an owl got in there.

158
00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:34,782
So do you have a good
relationship with the Father?

159
00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:37,918
Uh, well, he took off
before I was born, so,

160
00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:40,654
all I know about him is he
makes really great decisions.

161
00:08:40,688 --> 00:08:44,157
No, no, now, that is
not the father I mean.

162
00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:45,993
I mean that one.

163
00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:49,697
Oh, Santa Claus?

164
00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:52,299
I want to, but every house
in one night?

165
00:08:52,332 --> 00:08:53,567
Come on.

166
00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:57,037
She got hit in the head
with a softball recently.

167
00:08:57,070 --> 00:09:00,173
No, not Santa Claus!

168
00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:03,611
What do you think,
this is some kind of joke?

169
00:09:04,945 --> 00:09:08,782
You are not fit to be my
granddaughter's godmommies,

170
00:09:08,816 --> 00:09:12,119
I don't care how much
I hate her name.

171
00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:14,187
Kaputzki.

172
00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:16,089
God, oh God, oh God.

173
00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:18,191
What?
Did an owl get in here?

174
00:09:23,631 --> 00:09:25,666
I can't believe we
got fired as godmothers.

175
00:09:25,699 --> 00:09:27,801
I've never been
fired before.

176
00:09:27,835 --> 00:09:30,337
And don't bring up that
Habitat for Humanity thing.

177
00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:32,205
We mutually parted ways.

178
00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:36,309
Yeah, and then you guys
never finished my house.

179
00:09:36,343 --> 00:09:37,711
(knocking)

180
00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:39,913
Hey, girls.

181
00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:41,915
Hey, look at this new machine.

182
00:09:41,949 --> 00:09:45,619
It's like a radio
that monitors the baby.

183
00:09:45,653 --> 00:09:50,023
Live from upstairs,
it's W-B-A-B-Y!

184
00:09:50,057 --> 00:09:51,892
It's a great thing
if you're not home,

185
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:54,027
or you just don't
trust your baby.

186
00:09:54,061 --> 00:09:56,964
I'm assuming you haven't
talked to Mrs. Golishevsky

187
00:09:56,997 --> 00:09:59,633
since you're not
scream-crying at us.

188
00:09:59,667 --> 00:10:01,769
I am now!

189
00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:03,704
What happened
at the rehearsal?

190
00:10:03,737 --> 00:10:07,240
Um, everything's fine,
but Mrs. Golishevsky

191
00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:09,376
fired us as godparents.

192
00:10:09,409 --> 00:10:12,245
She really did
not like Caroline.

193
00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:15,348
I am not the one she put
a thousand year curse on.

194
00:10:15,382 --> 00:10:17,050
I got it down to 500.

195
00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:21,955
Oh, she can't just come up here

196
00:10:21,989 --> 00:10:25,893
and fire my godparents
and drink my beer

197
00:10:25,926 --> 00:10:29,262
and talk over
American Ninja Warrior.

198
00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:32,733
Sophie, she's only here
for another week, and then

199
00:10:32,766 --> 00:10:34,702
everything will go
back to normal.

200
00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:37,170
We'll have the bed
to ourselves again.

201
00:10:37,204 --> 00:10:40,440
Oleg, if she thinks she
can fire my godparents

202
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:44,912
and use my kettle bells, then
I'm calling off the baptism.

203
00:10:46,914 --> 00:10:49,950
We need to go upstairs and
set your mother straight.

204
00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:52,385
And if you think that
you are gonna have sex

205
00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:54,888
in the next three hours,
oh, well,

206
00:10:54,922 --> 00:10:57,825
you've got another
thing coming!

207
00:10:57,858 --> 00:11:00,861
Three hours?
What about hand stuff?

208
00:11:00,894 --> 00:11:04,064
Oh, we'll see.

209
00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:09,937
I didn't want to bring this up
when she was upset,

210
00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:12,072
but those are my kettle bells.

211
00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:13,373
(knocking)

212
00:11:13,406 --> 00:11:15,008
I'm upset too.

213
00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:18,378
That was the only party I was
invited to this year.

214
00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:21,281
Girls, I wanted to show you
the two robes I'm considering

215
00:11:21,314 --> 00:11:22,850
for the baptism.

216
00:11:22,883 --> 00:11:26,186
And, FYI, your doorbell is
electrocuting people.

217
00:11:26,219 --> 00:11:28,188
Definitely the white.
The baptism's off.

218
00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:29,189
Bye.

219
00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:33,794
Max, Han just made me
realize something,

220
00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:35,328
and not just that
he would look

221
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:36,329
really cute in a dress.

222
00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:38,265
Between him, the baby,

223
00:11:38,298 --> 00:11:40,801
and Earl being a minister,
we have almost everything

224
00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:42,235
we need for a baptism.

225
00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:45,272
We did do that exorcism here,
which clearly didn't work

226
00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:47,307
because that 1800s lady
was watching me sleep

227
00:11:47,340 --> 00:11:48,575
again last night.

228
00:11:48,608 --> 00:11:52,813
Anyway, where is it written that
a baptism has to be in a church,

229
00:11:52,846 --> 00:11:54,014
other than the Bible?

230
00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:55,849
I mean, all we need
is holy water.

231
00:11:55,883 --> 00:11:58,819
Ask the 1800s lady.
She's always carrying a bucket.

232
00:11:58,852 --> 00:12:03,791
*

233
00:12:03,824 --> 00:12:05,793
Why not steal holy water
from a church?

234
00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:06,894
God's already mad at me.

235
00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:10,197
I woke up with a zit
behind my ear.

236
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,099
Wow, that's all
I can look at now.

237
00:12:12,132 --> 00:12:14,401
Leave it!
That's my Saturday night.

238
00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:20,373
Okay, I'm more nimble,
so you distract Father Kozac

239
00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:22,509
while I grab the holy water.

240
00:12:22,542 --> 00:12:24,411
Nice jug.

241
00:12:24,444 --> 00:12:28,115
Max, I've been waiting six
years for you to say that.

242
00:12:28,148 --> 00:12:30,450
Now go tell Father Kozac
you need to confess.

243
00:12:30,483 --> 00:12:31,852
(groans)
Okay, but then I'll get

244
00:12:31,885 --> 00:12:33,420
kicked out
of the crypts.

245
00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:39,126
Max and Caroline, Sophie said
the baptism's canceled,

246
00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:42,529
as is Altar Boys
to Men's next gig.

247
00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:44,998
It's been a tough day.

248
00:12:45,032 --> 00:12:47,134
Actually, Max is
here to confess.

249
00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:50,103
I'm traditionally
more of a victim.

250
00:12:50,137 --> 00:12:51,571
All right, let's do this.

251
00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:54,107
Where's your little
shame box thing?

252
00:12:54,141 --> 00:12:56,910
Our confessional is under
construction,

253
00:12:56,944 --> 00:12:59,379
although it's taking Sergei
forever.

254
00:13:00,948 --> 00:13:02,816
We can do it right here.

255
00:13:02,850 --> 00:13:04,584
Oh.
(laughs)

256
00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:10,090
Oh, hmm, suddenly I can't
think of much to confess.

257
00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:20,433
Pretty sure someone
Men in Black'd me in 2008.

258
00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:23,570
A-ha, well,
start by kneeling.

259
00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:25,172
Okay.

260
00:13:25,205 --> 00:13:27,875
Oh, some stuff's starting
to come back to me.

261
00:13:29,542 --> 00:13:34,081
Just to summarize, uh,
fires, fires, knife fights,

262
00:13:34,114 --> 00:13:36,316
robberies, robberies,
knife robberies,

263
00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:39,219
but third grade is where
the real sinning began.

264
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:50,363
Oh, just give me a second.
I'm on a real roll here.

265
00:13:50,397 --> 00:13:54,101
* Ahh

266
00:13:56,236 --> 00:14:00,007
For an illegitimate,
blasphemous, back-alley baptism,

267
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:02,342
I think it looks pretty.

268
00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:04,444
Hey, when are we gonna get
started, girls?

269
00:14:04,477 --> 00:14:08,081
I'm performing a conscious
uncoupling at 2:00.

270
00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:12,920
Ooh, this is cute.

271
00:14:12,953 --> 00:14:15,923
Much nicer than
the church/slaughterhouse

272
00:14:15,956 --> 00:14:18,091
I was baptized in.

273
00:14:18,125 --> 00:14:19,559
Sophie, you look beautiful.

274
00:14:19,592 --> 00:14:22,495
Oleg, I'm glad you didn't
wear your vagina tie.

275
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:23,530
It's dirty.

276
00:14:25,398 --> 00:14:28,101
Hey, thanks for stealing
the holy water and going to

277
00:14:28,135 --> 00:14:30,103
hell for baby Barbara, girls.

278
00:14:30,137 --> 00:14:33,340
I'm just glad
I look good in red.

279
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:35,542
Max, you're gonna have
so many friends there,

280
00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:37,277
and I'm not gonna
know anyone.

281
00:14:37,310 --> 00:14:41,248
Let's get ready
to baptize.

282
00:14:41,281 --> 00:14:42,983
I sent my mother to Curves.

283
00:14:43,016 --> 00:14:45,285
It's a bi's and tri's day
for her.

284
00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:49,990
Speaking of bi's
who try.

285
00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:54,361
I told you, I thought Grindr
was a kitchenware app.

286
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:58,365
Found out the hard way that
"melon baller" has two meanings.

287
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:01,501
Hey, before we start, can I get
a hit off of this thing?

288
00:15:01,534 --> 00:15:04,671
It's an incense boat,
Earl, not wacky-tobacky.

289
00:15:04,704 --> 00:15:06,373
We ain't picky.

290
00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:08,675
Puff, puff, pass,
sister act.

291
00:15:08,708 --> 00:15:14,614
I'd be insulted if that wasn't
my third favorite movie.

292
00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:20,287
Sophie, oh, Barbara's dress
is beautiful.

293
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:23,656
Hi.
Oh, I love her makeup.

294
00:15:23,690 --> 00:15:26,026
Who did the smokey eye?

295
00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:27,027
All right,
let's huddle up.

296
00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:31,598
Ugh, this reminds me
of my time singing doo-wop

297
00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:33,533
over a trash fire.

298
00:15:33,566 --> 00:15:36,036
Okay, let's begin.

299
00:15:36,069 --> 00:15:38,205
Ashes to ashes, dust to--

300
00:15:38,238 --> 00:15:41,408
oops, wrong page.

301
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:46,379
Max and Caroline, yeah,
as Barbara's godparents,

302
00:15:46,413 --> 00:15:49,282
do you agree to look out
for her welfare and to be

303
00:15:49,316 --> 00:15:51,684
honest if she puts on
a few pounds?

304
00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:55,522
I mean, you know, not now,
but in a couple of months?

305
00:15:55,555 --> 00:15:59,259
Hey, I like baby who
can fill out a diaper.

306
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:02,029
I think she just
filled one out.

307
00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:03,130
Hi, Barbara.

308
00:16:03,163 --> 00:16:04,397
It's my fault you're having

309
00:16:04,431 --> 00:16:06,299
your baptism in a bar
instead of a church,

310
00:16:06,333 --> 00:16:08,635
but that's just how we roll.

311
00:16:08,668 --> 00:16:10,203
You're family now,
and I promise,

312
00:16:10,237 --> 00:16:12,605
no matter what happens,
we will always have your back.

313
00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:18,211
Yeah, you can talk to me
about boys, or girls,

314
00:16:18,245 --> 00:16:21,348
or whatever they have
by the time you're a teenager.

315
00:16:22,415 --> 00:16:27,254
You can call me Uncle Han,
the Han-ster.

316
00:16:27,287 --> 00:16:30,357
You know what?
Han's fine.

317
00:16:30,390 --> 00:16:35,462
In the name of the Father,
the Son, and the Holy Ghost,

318
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:40,300
I baptize this child
Barbara Kuchenski Golishevsky.

319
00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:44,137
Yay!

320
00:16:44,171 --> 00:16:46,106
We did it, Sophie.

321
00:16:46,139 --> 00:16:50,177
We baptized little
Bohus--Barbara.

322
00:16:50,210 --> 00:16:52,345
Aww, she's smiling.

323
00:16:52,379 --> 00:16:55,782
Hey, oh, yeah, you know what?

324
00:16:55,815 --> 00:16:59,519
She can tell that she avoided
an eternal hell fire.

325
00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:04,491
What is going on here?

326
00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:08,761
Mama, you're back so soon.

327
00:17:08,795 --> 00:17:10,063
Damn you, Curves.

328
00:17:10,097 --> 00:17:11,631
I forgot it's an hour workout

329
00:17:11,664 --> 00:17:13,600
packed into 30 minutes.

330
00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:15,302
The gym is garbage.

331
00:17:15,335 --> 00:17:17,670
They don't even have nunchucks.

332
00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:21,174
What, you're not having this
baptism without me, are you?

333
00:17:22,109 --> 00:17:23,310
Go ahead, Oleg.

334
00:17:23,343 --> 00:17:25,312
Tell her the truth,

335
00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:27,280
or you're sleeping
in the middle tonight.

336
00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:32,119
Mama, here's the truth,

337
00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:34,721
whether you like it or not:

338
00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:38,425
My friends and I like to dress
up and put on pretend baptisms.

339
00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:42,795
Come on, I know
you have balls.

340
00:17:42,829 --> 00:17:47,167
They were hanging out of
my nightgown this morning.

341
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:51,538
Mama, we just baptized
Barbara without you.

342
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:53,173
Sophie wants Max
and Caroline as

343
00:17:53,206 --> 00:17:56,676
the godparents,
and so do I.

344
00:17:56,709 --> 00:18:01,381
So you're siding with
these people against your mama?

345
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:02,615
Yes, mama.

346
00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:06,819
Oh, there's those big,
beautiful balls.

347
00:18:06,853 --> 00:18:08,488
Are they out?

348
00:18:10,457 --> 00:18:13,326
I don't know, but I
can't see them again today.

349
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:17,130
Oleg, you sound just like
your sister, Oleg.

350
00:18:17,164 --> 00:18:20,800
Are you gonna spank me in here,
or can we go in another room?

351
00:18:20,833 --> 00:18:24,571
Because I don't love, love, love
the underwear I'm wearing.

352
00:18:26,673 --> 00:18:29,142
To stand up to me,

353
00:18:29,176 --> 00:18:33,180
you must really love
these people.

354
00:18:33,213 --> 00:18:37,350
No, Oleg, I am not
going to spank you.

355
00:18:37,384 --> 00:18:40,720
That is your wife's job now.

356
00:18:40,753 --> 00:18:42,755
I will send you my paddle.

357
00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:46,926
Aw, yeah, that would be great,
Mrs. Golishevsky,

358
00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:49,229
'cause I shattered the last one.

359
00:18:50,597 --> 00:18:51,764
Call me mama.

360
00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:55,335
Aww, okay, mama.

361
00:18:55,368 --> 00:18:57,404
No, that doesn't work.

362
00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:05,512
So I'm just gonna put
the holy water back

363
00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:08,515
where I got it, and it'll be
like I never stole it at all.

364
00:19:08,548 --> 00:19:10,483
I can't risk
the wrath of God.

365
00:19:10,517 --> 00:19:11,651
Or have I already
suffered it?

366
00:19:11,684 --> 00:19:13,186
It's so hard to tell.

367
00:19:13,220 --> 00:19:16,389
Would you stop overreacting?
Our walls bled once.

368
00:19:16,423 --> 00:19:18,758
Here comes the priest.

369
00:19:18,791 --> 00:19:22,395
Max, did you come back
to finish confession?

370
00:19:22,429 --> 00:19:24,631
I want to hear what happened
when you were living

371
00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:26,199
with Jack Nicholson.

372
00:19:28,435 --> 00:19:31,804
Did I get all the way
up to fifth grade?

373
00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:35,508
So you're just here to bring
back the holy water?

374
00:19:35,542 --> 00:19:37,277
You knew about that?

375
00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:40,613
God sees everything.

376
00:19:40,647 --> 00:19:41,881
Really?

377
00:19:41,914 --> 00:19:45,452
Yes, but so do
our security cameras.

378
00:19:45,485 --> 00:19:47,920
And I thought you weren't
really a believer.

379
00:19:47,954 --> 00:19:51,958
Uh, I don't know, I mean,
I never met my dad,

380
00:19:51,991 --> 00:19:53,793
but sometimes I think
maybe he's out there

381
00:19:53,826 --> 00:19:55,362
hoping I'm gonna be okay.

382
00:19:55,395 --> 00:19:57,830
Plus, if there's no God,
how do you explain

383
00:19:57,864 --> 00:19:59,499
America's Funniest Home Videos?

384
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,968
Right?
Why would you have a pie

385
00:20:02,001 --> 00:20:04,871
cooling next to a trampoline?
(laughs)

386
00:20:07,006 --> 00:20:07,674
Hi, father.

387
00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:09,509
We were just in the neighborhood

388
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:11,411
doing good deeds for old people.

389
00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:12,645
He knows.

390
00:20:12,679 --> 00:20:14,881
What do the kids say?

391
00:20:14,914 --> 00:20:15,882
Busted?

392
00:20:17,750 --> 00:20:19,652
So lying to a priest?

393
00:20:19,686 --> 00:20:20,720
What's that gonna get me,

394
00:20:20,753 --> 00:20:22,589
five more years
in our apartment?

395
00:20:22,622 --> 00:20:24,491
Come on, it's not that bad.

396
00:20:24,524 --> 00:20:28,561
You, me, and the wet 1800s lady
make a great team.

397
00:20:28,595 --> 00:20:31,398
She said it herself through
the hole in her throat.

398
00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:35,001
Weird, 'cause she told me that
your snoring drives her crazy.

399
00:20:37,637 --> 00:20:38,938
(cash register bell dings)

400
00:20:41,374 --> 00:20:48,315
*