1
00:00:01,535 --> 00:00:03,237
Ladies and waitresses,

2
00:00:03,271 --> 00:00:06,774
I am the great Han-dini!

3
00:00:06,807 --> 00:00:08,509
Somewhere there's
a top of a wedding cake

4
00:00:08,542 --> 00:00:11,245
missing its groom.

5
00:00:11,279 --> 00:00:13,281
I went to traffic school
this weekend

6
00:00:13,314 --> 00:00:15,116
and was taught by a magician.

7
00:00:15,149 --> 00:00:17,385
My traffic school
was taught by a comedian.

8
00:00:17,418 --> 00:00:19,120
It wasn't funny,
but at least I saw

9
00:00:19,153 --> 00:00:21,455
what Jon Lovitz was up to.

10
00:00:21,489 --> 00:00:23,557
Did you get a DWI?

11
00:00:23,591 --> 00:00:24,792
Driving while itty-bitty?

12
00:00:24,825 --> 00:00:25,826
(laughs)

13
00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:28,396
I ran a series of red lights.

14
00:00:28,429 --> 00:00:32,066
I received word there had been
a Squirtle sighting.

15
00:00:32,100 --> 00:00:34,402
And now, I'm about
to pull a rabbit

16
00:00:34,435 --> 00:00:36,537
-out of a hat.
-Big deal.

17
00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:38,572
I just pulled half a raccoon
out of the toilet.

18
00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:42,376
Presto!

19
00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:45,746
This is making me depressed-o.

20
00:00:46,747 --> 00:00:48,549
Where are you?

21
00:00:48,582 --> 00:00:49,583
(bell dings)

22
00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:52,153
Pick up.

23
00:00:52,186 --> 00:00:54,188
Salad with a rabbit on it.

24
00:00:58,326 --> 00:01:01,829
He just can't serve a salad
without a hare in it.

25
00:01:01,862 --> 00:01:04,132
(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

26
00:01:04,165 --> 00:01:05,666
(cash register bell dings)

27
00:01:05,699 --> 00:01:11,071
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

28
00:01:14,475 --> 00:01:15,509
Amazing news:

29
00:01:15,543 --> 00:01:17,478
I found a penny.

30
00:01:17,511 --> 00:01:20,748
And our dessert bar
is in Time Out Magazine.

31
00:01:20,781 --> 00:01:22,450
(gasps) Whoa!
"Where are they now?

32
00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:24,852
Pizza Rat!"

33
00:01:24,885 --> 00:01:26,454
Not that.
Our piece is right here

34
00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:28,389
next to this Walking Dead ad.

35
00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:30,224
Oh, wait,
that's Michael Douglas.

36
00:01:32,226 --> 00:01:34,495
So, the walking dead.

37
00:01:34,528 --> 00:01:38,132
"Former scandal queen
Caroline Channing's

38
00:01:38,166 --> 00:01:39,800
cozy Brooklyn dessert bar,
M&C's, that's beaut--"

39
00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:42,336
"Caroline Channing's
dessert bar"?

40
00:01:42,370 --> 00:01:44,205
This place isn't like
your sex life, Caroline.

41
00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:45,773
You're not doing it
all by yourself.

42
00:01:47,175 --> 00:01:48,609
I don't even do it
by myself anymore.

43
00:01:48,642 --> 00:01:50,911
I was talking too much,

44
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:53,347
and, look, I mentioned you
right here.

45
00:01:53,381 --> 00:01:55,149
"Partner."

46
00:01:55,183 --> 00:01:56,684
I'm more than just the partner,

47
00:01:56,717 --> 00:01:58,652
I'm the creative inspiration.

48
00:01:58,686 --> 00:02:00,488
I'm Steve Jobs
and you're the fat guy

49
00:02:00,521 --> 00:02:01,589
that drives a Segway.

50
00:02:03,191 --> 00:02:04,492
I tried to include you.

51
00:02:04,525 --> 00:02:06,260
I told you
the interview was on Monday,

52
00:02:06,294 --> 00:02:07,895
and you said
that's your whippit night.

53
00:02:07,928 --> 00:02:09,697
Oh, I whipped it.

54
00:02:10,798 --> 00:02:11,899
Whipped it good.

55
00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:17,671
Caroline, back that ass up.

56
00:02:19,407 --> 00:02:21,609
I don't want anyone
too close to my baby.

57
00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:24,212
Is that why you dipped her
in perfume?

58
00:02:24,245 --> 00:02:27,215
I want everyone
to treat little Barbara

59
00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:28,582
like Mariah Carey

60
00:02:28,616 --> 00:02:30,818
and never look
directly in her eyes.

61
00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:33,554
Is that why
she's wearing sunglasses?

62
00:02:35,423 --> 00:02:36,790
I just got off.

63
00:02:36,824 --> 00:02:38,659
And also, I'm done with work.

64
00:02:38,692 --> 00:02:40,261
Okay.

65
00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:41,829
There's my girls.

66
00:02:41,862 --> 00:02:43,531
We're not your girls, Oleg.

67
00:02:43,564 --> 00:02:45,799
I have it in writing
from a judge.

68
00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:48,502
Oleg, give her some space.

69
00:02:48,536 --> 00:02:51,672
Her spray tan
hasn't even dried yet.

70
00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:54,808
Sophie, I've been reading
a parenting blog called

71
00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:57,645
"So, You've Ruined Your Life,"

72
00:02:57,678 --> 00:03:01,582
and they say it's very important
for a dad to bond with his baby.

73
00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:04,585
I think that's only true
for human dads.

74
00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:07,521
Maybe you can
bond with the baby later.

75
00:03:07,555 --> 00:03:09,457
You know,
like, when she has a baby.

76
00:03:10,458 --> 00:03:12,460
I can't wait 12 years.

77
00:03:14,295 --> 00:03:15,696
Sophie, I'm her father.

78
00:03:15,729 --> 00:03:17,265
I helped make her.

79
00:03:17,298 --> 00:03:19,867
This wasn't
a Virgin Marski situation.

80
00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:22,570
There was nothing immaculate
about this conception.

81
00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:25,839
Well, the fun part's over now.

82
00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:27,708
Yeah, she's mine.

83
00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:33,747
Excuse you.

84
00:03:38,352 --> 00:03:41,355
(thumping and clattering)

85
00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:48,829
She's getting really good
with that thing.

86
00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:51,299
I'm gonna do what I do
when all women tell me

87
00:03:51,332 --> 00:03:52,600
not to be near them.

88
00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:54,502
I'm gonna follow her.

89
00:03:56,470 --> 00:03:58,839
Uh, Caroline Channing?

90
00:03:58,872 --> 00:04:00,874
Hi, I'm Doug Reynolds,
I'm a professor at Wharton.

91
00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:02,843
Hey, I went to Wharton.

92
00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:03,977
Yeah, I know.

93
00:04:04,011 --> 00:04:05,313
I saw your interview
in Time Out.

94
00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:06,814
You mentioned it several times.

95
00:04:06,847 --> 00:04:07,915
Once when you were asked

96
00:04:07,948 --> 00:04:09,350
where the dessert bar
was located.

97
00:04:09,383 --> 00:04:12,386
Well, it is east of Wharton.

98
00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:13,787
You haven't heard
her Wharton song.

99
00:04:13,821 --> 00:04:15,523
* Wharton, Wharton,
Wharton, Wharton *

100
00:04:15,556 --> 00:04:16,824
* Wharton, Wharton, Wharton
Wharton, Wharton *

101
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:19,427
Yeah, it's not a great song,

102
00:04:19,460 --> 00:04:22,663
but the story about
how you built your business

103
00:04:22,696 --> 00:04:24,465
from the ashes
of your father's infamy,

104
00:04:24,498 --> 00:04:25,966
that's inspiring.

105
00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:27,735
You're the business world's
Rudy.

106
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:29,703
Well, now you're just
quoting me.

107
00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:34,041
Hi, I'm "Partner."

108
00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:35,909
Howdy, Partner.
(chuckles)

109
00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:37,778
Hey, I teach a business class
over at Penn

110
00:04:37,811 --> 00:04:41,549
because the stock market crashed
in 2008.

111
00:04:41,582 --> 00:04:43,384
I would love it
if both of you would come

112
00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:44,818
and talk to the students.

113
00:04:44,852 --> 00:04:46,720
Like a scared-straight thing?

114
00:04:47,888 --> 00:04:49,423
Not the pen.

115
00:04:49,457 --> 00:04:50,691
Penn,
the University of Pennsylvania.

116
00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:51,925
-That's where Wharton is.
-Hmm.

117
00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:53,093
If you'd listen
to my whole song,

118
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:54,595
you'd hear it
in the third verse.

119
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,531
We'd pay for your train
to Philadelphia

120
00:04:57,565 --> 00:04:58,932
and campus housing.

121
00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:00,768
-Ooh.
-We'd love to come.

122
00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:01,935
Right, partner?

123
00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:03,804
And my parole officer,

124
00:05:03,837 --> 00:05:05,005
mother,
guidance counselor,

125
00:05:05,038 --> 00:05:06,073
and the state of Rhode Island

126
00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:08,376
said I'd never go to college.

127
00:05:08,409 --> 00:05:09,943
I can get your email
from the website.

128
00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:11,945
I'll send you the info.

129
00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:13,547
We have a site?

130
00:05:13,581 --> 00:05:15,082
I hope there are no nudies
of me on it

131
00:05:15,115 --> 00:05:16,917
'cause Larry Flynt owns
the rights to my image.

132
00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:20,654
-You know what this means?
-Uh...

133
00:05:20,688 --> 00:05:22,623
(both) * Wharton, Wharton,
Wharton, Wharton, Wharton *

134
00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:24,792
* Wharton, Wharton, Wharton,
Wharton, Wharton, Wharton... *

135
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:29,096
One bong or two?

136
00:05:29,129 --> 00:05:31,565
Max, this is a business trip.

137
00:05:31,599 --> 00:05:33,967
We're not going to Comic-Con
with Woody Harrelson.

138
00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:35,803
Wait, is that on the table?

139
00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:38,539
Anyway, this is your trip

140
00:05:38,572 --> 00:05:39,540
for the dessert bar.

141
00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:41,108
So again, one bong or two?

142
00:05:41,141 --> 00:05:44,412
I am never gonna live down
the "partner" thing, am I?

143
00:05:44,445 --> 00:05:47,681
Like when I threw away those
bath salts to save your life.

144
00:05:47,715 --> 00:05:50,584
(scoffs)
I wasn't gonna eat your face.

145
00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:53,787
I am not having this argument
with you again.

146
00:05:53,821 --> 00:05:56,457
I'm not mad
about the partner thing.

147
00:05:56,490 --> 00:05:59,159
I'm excited to go to college.
I already told Randy,

148
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:01,762
and he's gonna send me
a care package.

149
00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:04,031
Emphasis on the package.

150
00:06:05,633 --> 00:06:07,635
I broke up
with my high school boyfriend

151
00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:10,504
when I went to college
just to keep my options open.

152
00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:12,606
Pfft, you're in Time Out
New York with Pizza Rat.

153
00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:14,007
What's that loser doing now?

154
00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:17,010
It was Mark Zuckerberg.

155
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:19,547
Just tell me about
the parties at college

156
00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:21,014
'cause that's
the only reason I'm going.

157
00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:22,783
Oh,

158
00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:24,952
they were epic.

159
00:06:24,985 --> 00:06:26,620
You know what they say,

160
00:06:26,654 --> 00:06:28,956
if you remember
the parties at Wharton,

161
00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:30,491
you weren't there.

162
00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:31,825
You weren't here, were you?

163
00:06:33,661 --> 00:06:35,028
-No.
-Okay.

164
00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:37,631
But some of those
all-night study sessions

165
00:06:37,665 --> 00:06:39,066
got pretty punchy.

166
00:06:39,099 --> 00:06:40,934
Like whackadoo.

167
00:06:40,968 --> 00:06:43,671
You're making me punchy
right now.

168
00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:46,674
(knocks on door)

169
00:06:46,707 --> 00:06:48,542
Hey, girls,

170
00:06:48,576 --> 00:06:50,077
Oleg isn't here, is he?

171
00:06:50,110 --> 00:06:52,946
Do you hear us screaming
"get out" or "put that away"?

172
00:06:54,615 --> 00:06:57,485
He keeps wanting
to bond with the baby.

173
00:06:57,518 --> 00:06:59,887
Why can't he be more like
the men in Poland?

174
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:02,656
Why can't he be in Poland
is my question.

175
00:07:02,690 --> 00:07:06,026
I mean, they wouldn't even be in
the same room as their baby girl

176
00:07:06,059 --> 00:07:08,896
until it was time
to sell her off.

177
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:11,832
You know, my father's
first words to me were,

178
00:07:11,865 --> 00:07:13,767
"Next item up for bid."

179
00:07:14,902 --> 00:07:16,537
I can't believe I'm saying this,

180
00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:18,639
but Oleg's not wrong here.

181
00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:20,641
He's wrong, literally,
everywhere else.

182
00:07:20,674 --> 00:07:21,909
(knocks on door)

183
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:24,645
Oh, it must be Oleg.

184
00:07:24,678 --> 00:07:28,181
-Hide us.
-Hide you?

185
00:07:28,215 --> 00:07:31,552
That carriage can be seen
from space.

186
00:07:31,585 --> 00:07:35,188
All right, tell Oleg
I'm definitely not in the barn.

187
00:07:37,224 --> 00:07:38,492
Yeah, now,

188
00:07:38,526 --> 00:07:39,860
I'm gonna be in the barn.

189
00:07:43,697 --> 00:07:45,499
This is where we put up
grad students

190
00:07:45,533 --> 00:07:46,800
and occasional guest lecturers

191
00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:48,669
who are too poor
to stay in a hotel.

192
00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:50,270
Losers.

193
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:51,639
You guys got any towels?

194
00:07:52,706 --> 00:07:53,807
You'll have to forgive Max.

195
00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:55,242
She's just excited to be here.

196
00:07:55,275 --> 00:07:57,545
We know, obviously,
there'll be a bath sheet

197
00:07:57,578 --> 00:07:58,979
and a hand towel for each of us.

198
00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:00,581
Right?

199
00:08:00,614 --> 00:08:02,983
And here's your bedroom.

200
00:08:03,016 --> 00:08:05,085
I'm the RA,
but don't worry,

201
00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:06,754
I'm not super uptight.

202
00:08:06,787 --> 00:08:09,557
Just no noise after 10:00
or I'll come at you hard.

203
00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:11,825
You'll have no problems from us.

204
00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:13,894
I was an RA
when I went to school here.

205
00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:15,262
I'm Caroline Channing.

206
00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:16,597
The.

207
00:08:16,630 --> 00:08:19,132
Caroline Channing?

208
00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:20,601
You're Buzzkill Channing?

209
00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:24,271
I knew Caroline wasn't
your real name.

210
00:08:24,304 --> 00:08:27,274
You're the most legendary RA
we've ever had.

211
00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:29,910
I heard you once threw a kid
out of a second-story window.

212
00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:31,144
That's just a myth,

213
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:33,013
but a hookah pipe
did take flight.

214
00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:34,147
(laughs)

215
00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:35,916
And I was a hookah

216
00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:37,718
by the airport.

217
00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:40,220
Well, it's an honor
to have your here, Buzzkill.

218
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:44,758
I'm gonna have to search
your trash bag before you leave.

219
00:08:44,792 --> 00:08:47,661
Everything good's gonna be
in my butt.

220
00:08:48,696 --> 00:08:50,998
She's fun.

221
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:52,800
Okay, let's unpack,

222
00:08:52,833 --> 00:08:54,668
get our shower buckets
organized.

223
00:08:54,702 --> 00:08:57,771
I'm unpacked.
Let's go par-tois.

224
00:08:57,805 --> 00:08:59,840
How many flasks do you have?

225
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:01,274
I already took two away
from you.

226
00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:02,843
Now, you be the audience.

227
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,712
I need to practice my speech
for tomorrow.

228
00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:06,246
We need to party.

229
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:08,248
Tonight needs to end
with us driving a police car

230
00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:10,851
into a fountain on the quad
or it is a fail.

231
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:13,120
I am not here to party.

232
00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:15,989
I am here to--
to show people

233
00:09:16,023 --> 00:09:18,325
with determination
and perspiration,

234
00:09:18,358 --> 00:09:20,994
you can become an inspiration.

235
00:09:21,028 --> 00:09:23,096
Max, what do you think of that?

236
00:09:23,130 --> 00:09:24,598
Max?

237
00:09:24,632 --> 00:09:26,033
Max?

238
00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:28,769
I'm not organizing
your shower bucket.

239
00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:36,710
(door opens)

240
00:09:36,744 --> 00:09:39,046
Caroline, are you awake?

241
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:40,648
No.

242
00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:42,015
It's cool, she's up.
Come on in.

243
00:09:42,049 --> 00:09:44,618
(indistinct chatter)

244
00:09:44,652 --> 00:09:47,721
(gasps)
Who are these people?

245
00:09:47,755 --> 00:09:49,322
I'm sorry, but we had
to leave the bar.

246
00:09:49,356 --> 00:09:51,024
The roof was on fire.

247
00:09:51,058 --> 00:09:52,392
At first we thought
the DJ was just

248
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:55,162
getting the party started,
but it actually was.

249
00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:57,765
Anyway, we'll try not
to keep it down.

250
00:10:01,401 --> 00:10:04,371
(indistinct chatter)

251
00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:07,107
Okay, who's next?
I washed it out.

252
00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:08,809
Nobody else
throw up in this thing.

253
00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:09,843
I mean it.

254
00:10:09,877 --> 00:10:11,278
After I crush this,

255
00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:13,413
you wanna come back
to my dorm room?

256
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,115
I have a junior suite.

257
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:16,817
You're sweet, Junior.

258
00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:19,119
but I have a boyfriend
who could be your father.

259
00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:21,722
He also could be my father,
I've never met the man.

260
00:10:21,755 --> 00:10:23,757
Uh, Buzzkill, 3:00.

261
00:10:23,791 --> 00:10:25,025
Just a minute, young man.

262
00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:27,260
There is no underage drinking
here.

263
00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:29,262
This is college.

264
00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:31,131
(cell phone ringing)

265
00:10:31,164 --> 00:10:32,432
Hello?

266
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:34,034
Oh, hi, Oleg.

267
00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:35,869
I lost Sophie again.

268
00:10:35,903 --> 00:10:38,305
She's like
a sexy set of car keys.

269
00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:40,273
(gasps)
Hey!

270
00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:42,710
No random,
uncommitted sex here.

271
00:10:42,743 --> 00:10:44,644
This is college.

272
00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:50,884
I have a computer full of videos
that says you're wrong.

273
00:10:50,918 --> 00:10:52,886
CAROLINE (over phone):
Oleg, I can't talk now.

274
00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:55,155
I have my own problems.
I don't know where the RA is,

275
00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:56,857
so I've had to step up.

276
00:10:56,890 --> 00:10:59,760
We're like the Marines
of no funny business.

277
00:11:00,894 --> 00:11:03,931
(gasps)
That better not be a joint.

278
00:11:03,964 --> 00:11:07,000
(sniffs)
Yeah, that's a doobie, brother.

279
00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:11,204
Sophie won't even
let me feed Barbara.

280
00:11:11,238 --> 00:11:13,874
She says fathers aren't equipped
for the job.

281
00:11:13,907 --> 00:11:16,710
Well, she does have a point.
You don't have boobs.

282
00:11:16,744 --> 00:11:19,980
Anyone ever tell you
you're a real buzzkill?

283
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:21,815
(gasps)
I have to go.

284
00:11:21,849 --> 00:11:23,751
I hear zippers unzipping.

285
00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:28,021
Were you just on the phone
with Poison Control?

286
00:11:28,055 --> 00:11:29,923
Because I told you,
Steve's gonna be fine.

287
00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:35,095
See?
Breathing, I think.

288
00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:37,497
Now take off your top
and shotgun a beer with me.

289
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,967
Max, my speech is tomorrow,

290
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,502
and this top gets
a lot of compliments.

291
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:45,138
I just want you
to have fun at college for once.

292
00:11:45,172 --> 00:11:46,373
Can you do that for me?

293
00:11:46,406 --> 00:11:48,041
I do things for you
all the time.

294
00:11:48,075 --> 00:11:49,076
You remember when
I told your date

295
00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:50,377
it was Chestnut that farted.

296
00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:51,979
Fine.

297
00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:54,347
If I have one drink,
will you roll Steve out of here

298
00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:55,648
and get everyone to leave?

299
00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:01,955
all: (chanting)
Buzzkill!

300
00:12:01,989 --> 00:12:04,825
(electronic music playing)

301
00:12:04,858 --> 00:12:07,094
-Whoo!
all: (cheering)

302
00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:10,097
Who's the buzzkill now, bitches?

303
00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:12,232
(cheering)

304
00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:13,834
Ah...

305
00:12:13,867 --> 00:12:16,837
corrupting dorks
is meaningful work.

306
00:12:16,870 --> 00:12:20,841
Who wants to see me
pretend bang Steve again?

307
00:12:20,874 --> 00:12:23,076
(cheering)

308
00:12:23,110 --> 00:12:24,845
Do it for real!

309
00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:27,247
(laughs)

310
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:28,849
Caroline, what are you doing?

311
00:12:28,882 --> 00:12:30,250
You of all people should know,

312
00:12:30,283 --> 00:12:31,852
you can't have a party here.

313
00:12:31,885 --> 00:12:32,986
This is college.

314
00:12:33,020 --> 00:12:35,522
Pfft, get off my back, narc.

315
00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:37,390
Ooh, who's this?

316
00:12:42,029 --> 00:12:43,897
My fiancé.

317
00:12:45,565 --> 00:12:48,401
Guess we gotta make it even.

318
00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:52,806
*

319
00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,041
Oh, my God.

320
00:12:55,909 --> 00:12:58,445
Oh, my God,
I love College Caroline

321
00:12:58,478 --> 00:13:00,881
so much more
than all other Carolines.

322
00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:06,119
*

323
00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:13,426
(exhales)
Damn, college is fun.

324
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:15,795
I'm glad I went.

325
00:13:17,998 --> 00:13:19,566
Oh, no, I'm late!

326
00:13:19,599 --> 00:13:22,402
That's impossible.
You haven't had sex in years.

327
00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:25,472
Also, you look like
an Italian grandmother.

328
00:13:30,577 --> 00:13:32,579
(gasps and screams)
Oh, my God!

329
00:13:32,612 --> 00:13:34,314
Who did this to me?

330
00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:35,582
This was the compromise.

331
00:13:35,615 --> 00:13:37,117
They wanted to shave your head.

332
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:38,318
(gasps)

333
00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:40,153
I am still a little drunk,

334
00:13:40,187 --> 00:13:41,922
and I forget
what was in my speech,

335
00:13:41,955 --> 00:13:44,324
and I look like
a very pretty Burt Reynolds

336
00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:46,293
and this is all your fault!

337
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:49,096
Is the implication here
that Burt Reynolds isn't pretty?

338
00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:51,999
Yes, it is my fault
for forcing you

339
00:13:52,032 --> 00:13:53,333
to have the time of your life

340
00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:54,601
and make out with those dudes.

341
00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:55,936
Max, you don't even--

342
00:13:55,969 --> 00:13:56,937
dudes?

343
00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:58,071
Plural?

344
00:13:58,105 --> 00:13:59,272
How many dudes?

345
00:13:59,306 --> 00:14:01,474
I lost count
after the third Chet.

346
00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:04,077
I can't believe
you did this to me.

347
00:14:04,111 --> 00:14:06,413
It was more like
you doing it to them.

348
00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:09,416
Max, I am serious right now.
(exhales sharply)

349
00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:11,351
Calm down, Luigi.

350
00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:13,954
(exhales)
Max, I know you were mad

351
00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:16,957
about the Time Out interview
and the "partner" thing,

352
00:14:16,990 --> 00:14:19,226
but I can't believe
you sabotaged me on purpose.

353
00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:21,361
Okay, first of all,

354
00:14:21,394 --> 00:14:23,030
I don't think about you
that much.

355
00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:25,032
I am sorry
I didn't give you credit,

356
00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:27,634
but ruining this for me
is so much worse.

357
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:29,236
This was gonna be my comeback.

358
00:14:29,269 --> 00:14:30,537
I wasn't mad.

359
00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:32,172
You were the only one
upset about it.

360
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:33,640
I don't care about that stuff.

361
00:14:33,673 --> 00:14:35,675
Honestly, I just wanted you
to have a good time.

362
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:38,111
I didn't need
to have a good time.

363
00:14:38,145 --> 00:14:39,980
I needed to make people jealous.

364
00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:41,414
Who's gonna be
jealous of me now?

365
00:14:41,448 --> 00:14:43,984
Guys that can't
grow facial hair?

366
00:14:44,017 --> 00:14:46,553
Look, you were great at school

367
00:14:46,586 --> 00:14:49,389
and last night you were great
at having fun at school.

368
00:14:49,422 --> 00:14:50,958
You're lucky.
I have last night,

369
00:14:50,991 --> 00:14:52,359
but I'll never get to have both.

370
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:54,627
What're you talking about?

371
00:14:54,661 --> 00:14:56,163
You're the smart one.

372
00:14:56,196 --> 00:14:57,664
You deserve
your moment of triumph,

373
00:14:57,697 --> 00:14:59,967
but you also deserve
not to be Buzzkill Channing

374
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,301
for the rest of your life.

375
00:15:01,334 --> 00:15:04,204
You really weren't mad
about the interview?

376
00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:05,438
A little,

377
00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:07,340
but I'm always
a little mad at you.

378
00:15:08,675 --> 00:15:10,210
I'm sorry
if I screwed things up.

379
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:12,179
You don't have to be.

380
00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:14,982
I really did have fun, Max.

381
00:15:15,015 --> 00:15:17,650
See if you like the googly-eyes
I drew around your nipples.

382
00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:21,554
Fun how they go
in different directions.

383
00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:27,494
Sorry we're late.

384
00:15:27,527 --> 00:15:29,229
I had to scrub the googly-eyes
off my--

385
00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:31,431
bicycle traffic.

386
00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:33,000
Well, let's get started.

387
00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:35,002
I'm supposed to have lunch
with my son, Steve.

388
00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:37,170
We had a little fight last night
before he left for a party.

389
00:15:37,204 --> 00:15:39,172
If anything ever happened
to him, I'd be devastated.

390
00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:42,575
Praying for a different Steve.

391
00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:47,047
Wow, you made out with half
the people in this room.

392
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:49,316
I'm pretty sure you got
one of the Chets pregnant.

393
00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:54,054
Caroline Channing is
an alumni of Wharton,

394
00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:56,056
and also the brains behind

395
00:15:56,089 --> 00:15:58,091
a thriving new dessert bar
in Brooklyn,

396
00:15:58,125 --> 00:16:01,194
and she is here
to tell us how she did it.

397
00:16:01,228 --> 00:16:02,595
Oh, also, um, whoever
keeps writing "wash me"

398
00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:06,233
in the back of my car,
there's no R in wash.

399
00:16:06,266 --> 00:16:08,335
Caroline.

400
00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:11,338
It is a great honor
to be here today.

401
00:16:11,371 --> 00:16:14,107
I learned a lot
at this fine institution.

402
00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:16,343
Hard work, integrity,

403
00:16:16,376 --> 00:16:19,446
a lot of math I'll never use.

404
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:21,481
There are
a lot of smart people here,

405
00:16:21,514 --> 00:16:23,383
but the smartest person I know,

406
00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:25,318
I met waiting tables in a diner.

407
00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:26,519
Max, turn around.

408
00:16:29,122 --> 00:16:30,557
The other way.

409
00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:36,363
And I am proud
to call her my partner.

410
00:16:36,396 --> 00:16:38,498
(coughs)
Gay.

411
00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:40,667
This woman is
the reason I'm here today.

412
00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:43,503
She should be giving the speech
because she's how I did it.

413
00:16:43,536 --> 00:16:46,239
Her name is Max Black.

414
00:16:46,273 --> 00:16:47,807
(light applause)

415
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,310
Um, what're you doing?
You're leaving?

416
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,345
They're jealous enough,

417
00:16:52,379 --> 00:16:54,114
and I want you
to have your moment.

418
00:16:54,147 --> 00:16:56,383
You should get to have both too.

419
00:16:56,416 --> 00:16:58,051
And also, chug-chug
has to puke-puke.

420
00:16:59,786 --> 00:17:02,489
And, uh, all right...

421
00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:06,126
I didn't go to college,

422
00:17:06,159 --> 00:17:08,228
but after spending
some time here,

423
00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:11,298
I think I could teach you
a few things.

424
00:17:12,732 --> 00:17:14,534
Beer...

425
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:16,769
before liquor,

426
00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:18,071
never sicker.

427
00:17:19,472 --> 00:17:22,175
Liquor before beer,

428
00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:23,776
never fear.

429
00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:28,081
And weed before
and after everything.

430
00:17:29,149 --> 00:17:32,252
Also, pimps up, hos down.

431
00:17:32,285 --> 00:17:33,686
Never...

432
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:36,223
get high on your own supply,

433
00:17:36,256 --> 00:17:37,824
and, most importantly,

434
00:17:37,857 --> 00:17:39,226
shake ya ass,

435
00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:41,428
but watch yourself.

436
00:17:41,461 --> 00:17:43,630
You should be taking notes.
This'll be on the midterm.

437
00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:50,303
Well, like most people
straight out of college,

438
00:17:50,337 --> 00:17:52,305
I'm at a job
I don't wanna be at.

439
00:17:52,339 --> 00:17:53,806
That's right.

440
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:57,644
She went back and got her degree
in "Make-out Slut."

441
00:17:57,677 --> 00:17:59,579
And we may have killed a guy.

442
00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:01,381
I may have too.

443
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,183
I drove here without my glasses.

444
00:18:04,884 --> 00:18:08,288
You know, in Poland,
girls don't go to college.

445
00:18:08,321 --> 00:18:10,123
They drop them in a lake,

446
00:18:10,157 --> 00:18:13,693
and whoever doesn't drown
is a witch.

447
00:18:13,726 --> 00:18:16,863
Doesn't that make you a witch,
Sophie?

448
00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:19,299
No comment.

449
00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:23,703
If it isn't Magic No-Johnson.

450
00:18:25,205 --> 00:18:27,540
Pick a card,
and don't show me what it is.

451
00:18:27,574 --> 00:18:30,810
Don't worry, I'll hold it
well above four feet.

452
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:33,346
Whatever puts the card
in your hands, toots.

453
00:18:34,914 --> 00:18:37,617
Was this your card?

454
00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:39,719
Nope, it was
the Queen of Hearts.

455
00:18:39,752 --> 00:18:42,189
Oh, my God,

456
00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:44,791
Han's a witch too!

457
00:18:46,259 --> 00:18:47,327
Drown him!

458
00:18:49,729 --> 00:18:50,897
I did it.

459
00:18:50,930 --> 00:18:53,666
What hell have I unleashed?

460
00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:56,536
Whatever it is,
keep it in your training pants.

461
00:18:57,837 --> 00:18:59,506
I should have just
done traffic school online,

462
00:18:59,539 --> 00:19:01,341
but, no, Han wanted
to meet people.

463
00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:04,544
Sophie,

464
00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:07,647
I think I found the solution
to all our problems.

465
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:08,915
(gasps)

466
00:19:08,948 --> 00:19:11,184
Microwave in the headboard?

467
00:19:12,285 --> 00:19:13,853
I've told you repeatedly,

468
00:19:13,886 --> 00:19:16,155
the science
just isn't there yet.

469
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,525
Make sure I get an email

470
00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:21,194
when it is there.

471
00:19:21,228 --> 00:19:22,795
This is about us

472
00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:24,464
and Barbara.

473
00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:26,566
I want to be more involved.

474
00:19:26,599 --> 00:19:29,302
That's why I got these.

475
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:35,442
Moobs...

476
00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:39,746
To feed Barbara with.

477
00:19:39,779 --> 00:19:42,382
Great, now I'm jealous
of Oleg's rack.

478
00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:46,853
If he puts Dr. Pepper in there,
so am I.

479
00:19:46,886 --> 00:19:48,421
Oleg,

480
00:19:48,455 --> 00:19:50,857
tell me you kept your ding-dong.

481
00:19:52,325 --> 00:19:53,693
Oh, yeah.

482
00:19:53,726 --> 00:19:56,696
I'm just Mrs. Doubtfiring it
for the time being.

483
00:19:56,729 --> 00:19:59,866
We've gotta get that kid
out of that house.

484
00:20:01,468 --> 00:20:03,236
Well, you know what, Barbara?

485
00:20:03,270 --> 00:20:06,839
You're really lucky
to have such a good father.

486
00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:10,577
I guess I have been
bogarting baby Barbara.

487
00:20:10,610 --> 00:20:13,746
Yeah, it really is sweet
that you did that, Oleg.

488
00:20:13,780 --> 00:20:15,382
My eyes are up here, Caroline.

489
00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:21,621
We're out of milk
in the kitchen.

490
00:20:32,499 --> 00:20:35,535
I really hope Earl milking Oleg

491
00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:36,636
is our rock bottom.

492
00:20:36,669 --> 00:20:38,771
It won't be.

493
00:20:41,308 --> 00:20:42,642
(cash register bell dings)

494
00:20:46,813 --> 00:20:49,849
(upbeat music)

495
00:20:49,882 --> 00:20:56,889
*