(rock music)
Han, what're you doing in our bar?
You know we can't serve kids.
Or did you just want to see
what a successful business looks like?
I know what a successful business looks like.
My cousin runs a Blimpie's in Queens.
You have a relative that works at a Blimpie's?
(gasps) Is he single?
Hi, I'm Clint, the new bartender.
It's a pleasure for you to meet me.
I hired Clint away from that cool bar down the street.
He has a following.
And his following followed him here,
and now we have a following.
You following?
Oh, a following.
Like I had on YouTube before they got all weird about nudity.
(Peter Bjorn and John) * Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
(cash register bell dings)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Wow.
Girls, this place has more people in it
than my first marriage.
Hey, Earl.
Cacao Storm for my diabetic dreamboat?
Well, you know I can't say no to booze.
If I could, I'd still be in The Temptations.
No, no, no, it's very little booze, okay?
CLINT: See, you drink it for the raw cacao.
Yeah, it releases serotonin and boosts your energy
and your mood.
I'm pretty much a genius.
And I'm pretty much gonna pass.
You want to try a Cacao Storm? Huh, buddy?
Yeah, you do.
They're addictive.
Raw cacao with a little chocolate liqueur.
It's how I got to be such a big deal.
And it's how I'm gonna get a new wardrobe
with the way these are selling.
Soon, I'll be able to buy clothes from places
that don't also sell gas.
I'll try one. I am a little stressed.
I'm entering the post office's
Federal Duck Stamp Contest this year.
They still have post offices?
I wonder if my "wanted" poster's still up.
It is. You were a cute kid.
And they have a contest to design
a new duck stamp every year.
If I win, my mallard drawing will be on
official United States postage.
How can there be a winner of a contest
you have to be a loser to enter?
You feeling the buzz yet, son?
You should. I only use pure Columbian cacao.
Strongest in the city-- actually, in the state.
I just didn't want to brag about it.
It's one of the greatest things about me.
Oh!
Yes, yes.
I think I feel it. A little jolt.
Wasn't that your American Gladiator name?
Why you got to harsh my buzz?
Wait till this duck flies to stamp victory.
Then I'll be ridicule-proof.
You'll never be wedgie-proof.
I just checked our receipts.
We already made $1,500 tonight.
Max, if this keeps up, we'll be able
to watch Hulu without commercials.
$1,500 in one night?
I didn't even make that much
when I turned in my mom for the reward money.
Plus, it think this is better than you bartending, Max.
You were great, but your "one for them, one for me" policy
got a little topless.
You enjoyed the tips, didn't you?
I said "Tips."
SOPHIE: Excuse me, excuse me.
Haven't you seen a stroller in a bar before?
Hey, girls.
What, you're not even gonna say hello,
'cause I look like garbage?
You didn't even give us a chance, Sophie.
You were too busy running over all of our customers.
Well, I'm sorry if I'm embarrassing you
with the way I look, Caroline.
Look, I don't have time to make me and baby Barbara look sexy.
Max, maybe we should get manicures?
I haven't had one since Gwyneth Paltrow
was only a little annoying.
We don't have grooming money.
I'm still cutting my hair with a sword like Mulan.
Max, we're doing really well,
so why not enjoy our success a little?
I mean, we don't have "screw you" money yet,
but we have enough to be mildly unpleasant.
(laughs) No kiddin'!
*
Oh, come on, come on!
I want to get our nails did.
Why does it take so long for a load to finish?
Have you tried dirty talk?
(machine buzzes)
Oh, that's my dryer.
Oh, mine now.
You snooze, you lose.
But I wasn't snoozing, why am I losing?
'Sup, Janice?
How's things down at the Coinstar?
I'm ready for a change.
Max, don't engage her, she threw my clothes on the ground.
Buzzer go off? You snooze, you lose.
Ugh, now I have to wash these again because there's...
what I really hope is fudge on the floor.
Ugh!
Where's my underwear?
Looks like Ralph has a job interview.
Ralph, that's my underwear.
Give it back.
Ugh, I can't wait till we don't have to come here anymore.
But where will we cook our chicken?
You know what?
We're successful now.
We don't have to come here anymore.
Can I have your attention, everyone?
Uh, that depends, are you a cat video?
I'd like to make an announcement.
As of today, we are saying good-bye to this place.
So Ralph, you can keep my panties,
I know you have a wedding next month.
Max and I are successful enough now to afford
our own washer and dryer.
Or more realistically, a low-budget fluff-and-fold.
So take one last look at us--
But no need to take out your penis, Marty.
Come on, Max, let's go get our manicures.
Good-bye, Laundromat, we are never coming back
to this hell hole again.
You just put another load in the washer.
We are coming back to this hell hole again.
Earl, we got manicures!
Caroline wanted our nails to project success, so...
What says "classy lady" like Monopoly houses?
Wow, congratulations, Max.
This is probably the closest any of us will ever come
to owning a house.
Speak for yourself, Earl.
Max and I are successful now.
I said good-bye to the Laundromat this morning,
and this afternoon, I said good-bye to the bodega
where we get our flu shots.
You could've waited till after I got my
flu shot and sandwich combo.
Hi, could you bring me a water, please?
Um, could you bring someone water
if you had houses for fingers?
I can't wait till we say good-bye to this place.
I'm gonna be really mean.
I may do it as a poem.
What rhymes with "rat-infested"?
Flat-chested.
You better slow down.
We've only had one good night at the dessert bar,
and you said we had to keep working at the diner
till we made enough to be legally poor.
Okay, fine.
It's like those nails are making you reasonable
and I don't like it.
Han, your hair!
Who are you supposed to be, Edward Scissor-hans?
I was up all night, sketching my stamp.
Want to see my duck?
Praying that wasn't an auto-correct.
Look at all the practice ducks I've drawn.
The American Wood duck.
The Harlequin duck.
The Spot-Billed duck.
A mallard.
A mallard, a mallard--
Caroline, take is batteries out.
This beauty's gonna win me the stamp contest.
All I have to do now is color it.
And then sit back and plan my victory party.
Guess which stamp I'll use to send the invites?
Gay flag?
No, a mallard!
Where'd you get that cacao from?
Clint gave me a couple grams before he left last night.
I've been micro-dosing it all day.
Why are you rubbing it on your gums?
Are you teething?
Clint says the buzz is stronger if I take it straight.
Okay, I didn't believe Clint when he said cacao
was addictive, but I also didn't believe in leprechauns
until I started working for one.
If I cut my gums...
Will it enter my bloodstream any faster?
You're a junkie!
Han, you're acting like that time you had a whole Red Bull.
Okay...
you have a problem!
I'm telling Clint you're cut off.
Well, I'm telling Clint I love him.
He loves that.
Fine, I'll just finish my stamp without cacao.
Damn it!
Hi, everybody!
I hope they're never expecting Barbara
to have a short-term memory.
Oh, look away, look away.
Things have gotten real bad.
Yeah.
I look like all of you now.
Sophie, why didn't you come with us to the nail place?
It was so much fun.
I couldn't make it, I was too busy
bedazzling Barbara's diapers.
I'm just gonna have to face it--
I'm not gonna be pretty again for at least 12 years.
Oh, I'll be Caroline's age by then.
Sophie, I keep saying, you'll always be sexy to me.
And I hate to sound all lovey-dovey,
but you're giving me a boner.
You're just saying that 'cause you have to.
I don't want your pity boner.
Caroline, if pity boners are a thing,
you have got to get back out there.
I was thinking the same thing.
*
Psst! Psst!
You got the stuff, Clint?
It's premium grade, right?
If it isn't, you're in for a very
unpleasant conversation.
My guy from Columbia guarantees it.
Not the country, we went to college together.
Want a little taste?
You bet your butt I do!
I want to make sure it's not cut with Nestle Quik.
Oh.
That's the stuff muddy donkeys are made of.
HAN: Max!
Uh, fancy meeting you here.
Clint and I were just bro-ing out over sports.
And breasts.
And...zoos?
What do men talk about?
Hey, Max.
We killed it last night, huh?
Me more than you.
You gonna want this or not, I got to go do my podcast.
I'm interviewing myself.
I know a drug deal when I see it!
He's cut off.
Like me on $2 margarita night.
Max, I need that cacao to finish my duck stamp!
One last ride on the chocolate pony.
Look at you-- chocolate all over your face.
You look like Jonah Hill reading the reviews for War Dogs.
Clint, don't you dare sell it to him.
You can't tell me what to do, okay?
I'm serious--I will quit.
Oh, hmm, I'll say the same thing I said to my mother--
resignation accepted.
You just made a huge mistake.
Hmm.
You're talking to someone who watched the second season
of True Detective.
Right, Han?
That scumbag couldn't have taken all the cacao.
Quick, help me check the cabinets.
Keep away from my drawers, Han.
You got to be used to hearing that.
Max, I just gave a good-bye speech
at the free clinic.
Oh, also, the lab technician
said for you to call her ASAP.
Ugh, Claire freaks out about everything.
I'll tear this place apart!
Where the hell is the cacao?
What's happening, where's Clint?
-He quit. -He quit?
But what about his following?
What about our following?
What about my good-bye tour?
-Say good-bye to it. -(gasps)
(gasps) I think I found some!
Nope, that was straight-up dirt.
It's for the best.
'Cause Jane Cacaoski over there can't get enough.
I'll just get back behind the bar.
Now, if you'll excuse me, one of my hotels came loose
while I was giving someone the finger.
I guess I'm going to have to call that other dealer
I found on Craigslist.
I'm Ice-T and I need my Coco.
Han, if you can get that cacao,
Max can make the Cacao Storms herself.
I've seen her make opium out of poppy seed bagels and a Lacroix.
Han, call that dealer.
Already dialing.
I'm halfway down the Hershey Highway.
I meant the Fudge Factory.
I don't want to hear about your personal life,
just call the dealer.
Han, where is this guy?
I'm scared.
Someone might think we're a couple.
I hope he gets here soon.
I just snorted a pint of Chunky Monkey.
That's him, now act cool.
Yoo-hoo, Mr. Drug Dealer!
Right here.
You're embarrassing me!
Oh, also, tell him we're not a couple.
You guys here for the cacao?
Let's cut to the chase, where's the dope?
Standing right in front of me.
-We're not together. -Shh!
You want the cops to hear us?
Would it matter? You're selling chocolate.
I know, but it's more fun to act like it's naughty.
That's the only reason I do this.
I'm so bored.
I'm a stay-at-home grandpa.
Show me the skrank!
That's the word I made up for street cacao.
Here it is.
Had to kill a hooker to get it.
(gasps)
I wish.
My daughter-in-law works for Nestle.
EARL: Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
Earl, what're you doing out here?
Just to be clear, I'm out here with Han
for business, nothing romantic.
What are you doing out here
with my Canadian Viagra connection?
-Hey, Earl! -Hey, Bill!
Hey, man, how's your daughter-in-law?
Still climbing the corporate ladder at Nestle Toronto?
And doing CrossFit on the weekends.
Uh-huh.
And Ted's finally got his real estate license.
-Oh-- -No one cares, Grandpa!
Tell that to the pigeons in the park!
I'm this close to main-lining Tootsie Rolls.
-Here's the money. -Not this again!
I come out here to smoke a joint,
and I walk in on a drug deal?
Shame!
Hey, you!
Get out of here before I pop a cap in your Honda Odyssey.
I'm sorry, it was either this, or have an affair.
And I'm just too tired.
Well, it looks like I got to go tell Ruth
it's gonna be an "everything but" kind of night
Jeez.
I learned it from watching you, Dad?
Max, we need that cacao for our dessert bar.
I already told the soup kitchen what I think
of their tomato bisque, so there's no turning back.
Your addictions are both out of control.
Caroline, there are no shortcuts to success
or creating a stamp-worthy mallard.
Life is a slow, steady climb to just getting by.
Snap out of it!
Me? You're addicted too.
To these nails.
(gasps)
No I'm not, I can stop any time!
(screams)
Then why are you crying?
'Cause I'm on my knees in an alley
and nothing fun is happening!
Home wrecker!
You know, fine!
Maybe I like the way they make me feel.
But you--you were so high on success,
you were willing to let Han OD!
Or, at least, get really, really hyper-active.
So what? You don't care about me, Max, do you?
(laughs)
No.
Maybe a little.
(both gasp)
See how your addiction has affected me, Caroline?
I just had to admit I care about Han!
Now I'm flying high on that!
I'm gonna go try to finish my stamp.
Perhaps some hot cocoa would help.
Administered rectally, of course.
SOPHIE: Found it!
Sophie?
Is there anyone we know not in this alley?
I found Barbara's bedazzler.
Oh, yeah, it's all about her now.
Oh, you can't be gorgeous and be a good mother.
Just look at Neil Patrick Harris.
Well, I think he's very charming and I think you're being unfair.
This might be what's left of my nails talking, but Sophie,
if you're not decked out with your boobs half showing,
are you really setting the right example for Barbara?
Oh, from this side of the dumpster,
you're making a lot of sense, girl.
You really are.
Are you gonna start brushing your teeth
and putting the seat down?
No.
Here's your flan-tini.
And here's my flan-tini.
Good to be back.
Well, I tried, but I can't find Clint.
I feel like every man I've ever had sex with.
We don't need Clint or his stupid cacao.
Uh, although, his podcast was pretty interesting.
Those girls he worked for sounded like nightmares.
I'm gonna have one, two, three Sprites.
We're getting wild tonight.
Coming right up, Bill the Dealer.
Oh, it's just Bill now.
I accidentally butt-dialed my wife during a major
Pepcid AC drop.
She took the minivan.
Hey, everybody!
No, it's not Suzanne Somers.
It's me, Sophie!
Wow, Sophie got her sexy back.
Yeah, and front and under.
Sophie, you deserve a flan-tini.
And so do I.
Oh, you know what, I did what you told me to do
and I dropped baby Barbara off at the trainer/babysitter,
and I had a bunch of Korean ladies go to town on me.
Hey, where's Oleg?
I told him to meet me here.
Sophie?
You look as beautiful as the day
we first did it on the sink.
Damn straight, I do!
Yo, what's with the white people's clothes?
Yeah, what's going on? I can't even see any nipple.
But somehow, it's worse.
Sophie, I want you to see that we don't have to be
the sexy couple anymore.
Anymore?
When were you guys the sexy couple?
That weekend you went to Amish Country?
Oh, yeah.
Do you remember when we did it in that buggy
in front of that family?
Oh, I bet they wish they had a camera for that.
You want to go do it in the bathroom...
buggy-style?
Oh, I'm gonna pretend that Jebediah
is turning away in shame.
I'm gonna pretend he isn't.
I guess we're scrubbing down our bathroom later.
We're heading out.
It's almost 8:00.
Here's my last bag of cacao.
I can't do anything with it,
not with my cholesterol.
A tiny baggie of cacao?
What're we gonna do with this?
Same thing I do with any powder I find:
see what all the fuss is about.
Mmm.
-Not hating it. -Mm-mm. No.
(gasps)
Holding out on me?
You skrank skanks!
-I'm coming in! -(both scream)
*
(cash register dings)
(upbeat music)
*