1
00:00:01,169 --> 00:00:02,136
MAX: Previously
on "2 Broke Girls"...

2
00:00:02,170 --> 00:00:05,239
I am choosing to take
this disaster as a sign,

3
00:00:05,273 --> 00:00:07,075
and while they're
rebuilding this place

4
00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:10,211
I'm gonna go surprise Randy
and try to rebuild us!

5
00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:12,046
Fine, use my car,

6
00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:14,515
but I'm going to be driving it.
I'm coming with you.

7
00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:16,750
I finally got
the gas pedal extension

8
00:00:16,784 --> 00:00:17,685
where I like it.

9
00:00:17,718 --> 00:00:19,520
I'll just call AAA.

10
00:00:19,553 --> 00:00:21,122
Cool.
Later, hater.

11
00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:22,690
HAN:
Wait, you're really leaving?

12
00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:26,094
Who leaves someone
on the side of the road

13
00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:26,794
in the middle of nowhere?

14
00:00:26,827 --> 00:00:28,296
My friend, Sloppy Joe,

15
00:00:28,329 --> 00:00:29,730
has a one-engine plane.

16
00:00:29,763 --> 00:00:31,665
He might be able to fly y'all
all the way to LA.

17
00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:33,801
Well, that's a wrap
on the first day of filming

18
00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:35,069
here in Austin, Texas.

19
00:00:35,103 --> 00:00:37,205
So Randy's not in Los Angeles?

20
00:00:37,238 --> 00:00:38,506
He's in Texas?

21
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:40,674
Wow, you're a bad stalker, Max.

22
00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:43,277
There's two things
the Slop won't do.

23
00:00:43,311 --> 00:00:45,479
Alert the proper authorities
of my flight pattern

24
00:00:45,513 --> 00:00:48,082
or step foot in Texas.

25
00:00:48,116 --> 00:00:49,083
I'll drop you here.

26
00:00:49,117 --> 00:00:50,151
[both scream]

27
00:00:50,184 --> 00:00:52,453
[thunder crashes]

28
00:00:55,323 --> 00:00:57,491
When I agreed
to follow you cross-country

29
00:00:57,525 --> 00:00:59,227
to chase your ex-boyfriend,

30
00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:02,096
I didn't realize
I'd be thrown out of a plane,

31
00:01:02,130 --> 00:01:04,198
scavenging for my belongings

32
00:01:04,232 --> 00:01:06,467
and fighting a snake
for my favorite pants.

33
00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:07,835
[snake rattles and hisses]

34
00:01:07,868 --> 00:01:10,204
You can have them, sir!

35
00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:12,573
Ah!
Found my toothbrush.

36
00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:16,244
[gasps]
Max, that's disgusting.

37
00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:18,312
Oh, you're right.
This isn't mine.

38
00:01:18,346 --> 00:01:20,881
[gasps]
Ah, found a purse...

39
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:23,284
[gasps]
Under this syringe.

40
00:01:23,317 --> 00:01:24,585
Anything in there?

41
00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:26,187
Uh...

42
00:01:26,220 --> 00:01:27,855
nah, pretty tapped out,

43
00:01:27,888 --> 00:01:29,357
which is too bad

44
00:01:29,390 --> 00:01:31,292
'cause you could use
a two-day heroin nap.

45
00:01:31,325 --> 00:01:32,726
I meant my bag.

46
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:34,295
Look what else survived!

47
00:01:34,328 --> 00:01:35,263
Ah-ha!

48
00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:38,532
My Popchips!

49
00:01:38,566 --> 00:01:41,769
Only to meet an unfortunate end.

50
00:01:41,802 --> 00:01:43,871
Oh, no, Max, my wallet.

51
00:01:43,904 --> 00:01:46,207
Mm, yeah, I know.
You've aged a lot

52
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:47,341
since that license picture.

53
00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:49,177
No, it's gone.

54
00:01:49,210 --> 00:01:50,478
All of our cash

55
00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:52,646
and our credit cards
were in there.

56
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:54,548
What are we gonna do?
I'm freaking out.

57
00:01:54,582 --> 00:01:56,817
Nah, nah, nah, calm down.

58
00:01:56,850 --> 00:01:59,653
Caroline will
get us out of this.

59
00:01:59,687 --> 00:02:02,190
Oh, wait.
You're Caroline.

60
00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:03,757
I'm calling the diner for help.

61
00:02:03,791 --> 00:02:06,760
[phone rings, chimes]
CAROLINE: Han... [garbled]

62
00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:09,497
Caroline, we don't have
a good connection,

63
00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:12,233
and not just because
we're dueling Scorpios.

64
00:02:12,266 --> 00:02:13,634
Peek-a-boo!

65
00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:16,570
-I see you!
-[laughing]

66
00:02:16,604 --> 00:02:17,738
Oleg.

67
00:02:17,771 --> 00:02:19,807
All right, now do it
with Barbara.

68
00:02:25,779 --> 00:02:27,515
Han, we had
all of our belongings

69
00:02:27,548 --> 00:02:29,617
thrown out of a private plane.

70
00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:31,452
HAN: Caroline,
you're cutting out.

71
00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:35,356
All I heard was "private plane."
Brag much?

72
00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:37,658
No, we need to get to Texas,

73
00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:41,595
so can you please put $500
in my PayPal account?

74
00:02:41,629 --> 00:02:44,465
What?
You have $500?

75
00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:45,933
Did I call you to gloat

76
00:02:45,966 --> 00:02:48,569
when I bought
this snazzy new vest?

77
00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:49,970
I'm putting you on speaker.

78
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:51,805
[phone beeps]
CAROLINE: Private plane...

79
00:02:51,839 --> 00:02:54,342
Have...credit card...

80
00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:55,409
[cell phone beeping]

81
00:02:55,443 --> 00:02:56,777
We lost her.

82
00:02:56,810 --> 00:03:00,248
Or maybe her butler
snatched her phone from her.

83
00:03:00,281 --> 00:03:01,282
[quietly]
Oh, God.

84
00:03:01,315 --> 00:03:03,551
He hung up.

85
00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:06,454
Max, can we just go back to that
terrible place we call home?

86
00:03:06,487 --> 00:03:09,357
That mountain lion
is wearing my new blouse.

87
00:03:09,390 --> 00:03:11,792
-And here she comes!
-[gasps]

88
00:03:11,825 --> 00:03:15,563
Keep the tags on
if you wanna return it.

89
00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:17,665
(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

90
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,433
[cash register bell dings]

91
00:03:19,467 --> 00:03:24,738
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

92
00:03:28,476 --> 00:03:29,577
I'm calling
the credit card company

93
00:03:29,610 --> 00:03:30,678
to send us new cards.

94
00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,513
They're used to hearing me cry.

95
00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,014
So is the unfortunate family

96
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:35,949
that sat behind us
at "Zootopia."

97
00:03:35,983 --> 00:03:38,852
If animals can all get along,
so can we.

98
00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:41,355
Look, once we get our cards,

99
00:03:41,389 --> 00:03:43,257
we'll be on our way
to Randy in Texas--

100
00:03:43,291 --> 00:03:45,626
and what was in this
for me again?

101
00:03:45,659 --> 00:03:47,461
5 1/2 near-death experiences?

102
00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:52,733
[crying] Hi, Visa.
It's me, Caroline.

103
00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:55,969
My cards were stolen.

104
00:03:57,505 --> 00:03:59,607
I've seen backs of vans

105
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:00,974
with better candy selections.

106
00:04:01,008 --> 00:04:04,478
This is a disgrace
to the name Gas and Gobble.

107
00:04:04,512 --> 00:04:06,714
How do you even wake up
in the morning?

108
00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,649
My alligator licks my face.

109
00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:10,851
Oh, my God, Max.

110
00:04:10,884 --> 00:04:13,787
Whoever stole our credit cards
maxed them out.

111
00:04:13,821 --> 00:04:16,490
They spent the $1,500
we had left.

112
00:04:16,524 --> 00:04:17,825
No way.

113
00:04:17,858 --> 00:04:19,560
Someone just spent $1,500

114
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,061
on phone cards and cigarettes.

115
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,963
His name was Caroline Channing.

116
00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:24,432
[gasps]
What?

117
00:04:24,465 --> 00:04:25,633
That's my name!

118
00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:27,635
Ah, you got a dude's name.

119
00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:30,504
Ugh, we were robbed.
Police!

120
00:04:30,538 --> 00:04:31,972
BOTH: Where!

121
00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:34,642
Max, I am tired
and I'm hungry

122
00:04:34,675 --> 00:04:35,943
and I can't find a mirror,

123
00:04:35,976 --> 00:04:38,779
but I am sensing a disturbance
in my hair.

124
00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:40,648
We have to go home!

125
00:04:40,681 --> 00:04:42,583
But we have to go to Texas.

126
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:43,917
Randy needs me.

127
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:45,886
He's saying it
on his Snapchat story.

128
00:04:47,555 --> 00:04:48,789
Still on the movie set.

129
00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:50,758
Pretty lonely,
so if anyone would respond

130
00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:51,992
to my Words With Friends
request,

131
00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:53,561
I promise to let you win,

132
00:04:53,594 --> 00:04:55,796
and if you're ever in Texas...

133
00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:57,064
why?

134
00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:01,802
See?
He's begging me to come there.

135
00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:04,738
But we have no money
to get to Texas.

136
00:05:04,772 --> 00:05:06,306
Wrong.

137
00:05:07,475 --> 00:05:10,811
I've got $11 in this one

138
00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:15,015
and $32 in this one.

139
00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:17,818
Lefty's been holding back
as per usual.

140
00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:20,754
So your 43 boob dollars

141
00:05:20,788 --> 00:05:22,089
are gonna get us to Texas?

142
00:05:22,122 --> 00:05:24,758
Don't rule out
my roll of butt quarters.

143
00:05:24,792 --> 00:05:26,126
Sweaty but ready.

144
00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:27,895
All right,
can y'all folks lock up?

145
00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:29,897
I got to make a riverboat

146
00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:31,432
before it takes off
to New Orleans.

147
00:05:31,465 --> 00:05:33,100
My cousin Tim put
a voodoo curse on me.

148
00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:35,102
I got to talk to him
about removing it.

149
00:05:35,135 --> 00:05:36,704
Caroline,

150
00:05:36,737 --> 00:05:39,407
New Orleans is close to Texas.

151
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:42,443
The Hamburglar says so
on my McDonald's placemat,

152
00:05:42,476 --> 00:05:43,444
and he would never lie

153
00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:46,113
unless it's about stealing
delicious hamburgers.

154
00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:48,816
I'm confused.
Do you want hamburgers

155
00:05:48,849 --> 00:05:50,050
or do you wanna
take that riverboat?

156
00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:52,586
Obviously, the dream scenario
is both.

157
00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:57,791
Ah, thank you very much.

158
00:05:57,825 --> 00:05:59,793
Max, people have tickets.

159
00:05:59,827 --> 00:06:01,462
You have to pay to get on this--

160
00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:05,599
what I'm positive will be
my sixth near-death experience.

161
00:06:05,633 --> 00:06:06,967
So bend over and unclench.

162
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:08,936
We need those butt quarters.

163
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:11,505
Who are you?
My mother at a church carnival?

164
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,575
Have your tickets ready, please.

165
00:06:14,608 --> 00:06:17,010
All we have to do
is act like we belong.

166
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:20,881
Do I at least get to have
an adorable Southern accent?

167
00:06:20,914 --> 00:06:22,082
No accent.

168
00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:23,884
[mimics Southern accent]
Well, I do declare

169
00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:27,020
that is mighty disappointing.

170
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:29,623
Just follow my lead.
It's time to touch strangers.

171
00:06:29,657 --> 00:06:32,926
Hey, you got a permit
for those guns?

172
00:06:35,529 --> 00:06:38,065
Well, I say,

173
00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:40,468
you got a permit for

174
00:06:40,501 --> 00:06:42,402
that light-up yo-yo?

175
00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:44,572
I have a girlfriend.

176
00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:47,675
Keep walking, buster.

177
00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:57,217
Max, the riverboat doesn't get
to New Orleans for two days

178
00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:59,052
and we have nowhere to sleep.

179
00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:00,554
Ooh, but there is

180
00:07:00,588 --> 00:07:02,990
a "Whittle Your Own Banjo"
workshop at 5:00.

181
00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:04,992
I have whittle-to-no interest
in that.

182
00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:08,095
Ooh, it says they have
the loosest slots around.

183
00:07:08,128 --> 00:07:10,163
I guess the Darby sisters
from my hometown are here.

184
00:07:10,197 --> 00:07:12,833
I did see a bunch
of lounge chairs

185
00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:14,201
over by the swamp exhibit.

186
00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:15,869
I guess we could
sleep there tonight,

187
00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:17,104
and then the next night,

188
00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:18,839
well, hopefully we'll be dead.

189
00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:20,541
[thumping]
Come on, red!

190
00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:22,042
[gasps] Max, no!
That's all of our money!

191
00:07:22,075 --> 00:07:23,076
No more bets.

192
00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:25,546
Oh, that is so stupid,

193
00:07:25,579 --> 00:07:26,847
and not cute stupid like

194
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,716
when you thought
Velcro grew in nature.

195
00:07:28,749 --> 00:07:30,217
And red is the winner.

196
00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:33,086
Well, rootin' tootin'!

197
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:36,189
I always bet on red
because my last name's Black,

198
00:07:36,223 --> 00:07:37,625
and that's ah-not been a winner.

199
00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:39,627
Okay, now that we've
doubled our money,

200
00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:40,894
-maybe we should stop.
-Come on, red!

201
00:07:40,928 --> 00:07:41,962
[gasps]

202
00:07:41,995 --> 00:07:43,597
-No more bets.
-No!

203
00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:46,066
I didn't even get to touch it
before you lost it.

204
00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:47,801
Why do you hate having things?

205
00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:49,202
Red again.

206
00:07:49,236 --> 00:07:52,506
Just call me Al Roker
'cause I'm making it rain.

207
00:07:52,540 --> 00:07:56,109
Max, we're winning at something.

208
00:07:57,277 --> 00:07:58,946
Don't just stand there
looking pretty, toots.

209
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:00,080
Order daddy some wings.

210
00:08:00,113 --> 00:08:03,551
Oh, my God, I look pretty

211
00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:06,520
and I get to flag down
a waitress.

212
00:08:06,554 --> 00:08:07,220
Waitress!

213
00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:09,089
I'll have a sarsaparilla

214
00:08:09,122 --> 00:08:10,724
and some wings for big daddy.

215
00:08:10,758 --> 00:08:11,859
[cell phone ringing]

216
00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:13,761
[gasps]
Sophie's calling.

217
00:08:13,794 --> 00:08:15,195
Pfft, like I'm gonna get it.

218
00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:20,801
Well, Caroline's not answering.

219
00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,936
Executive decision.

220
00:08:22,970 --> 00:08:25,739
Horses can eat
a bunch of pudding.

221
00:08:25,773 --> 00:08:28,809
My cousin from Chernobyl
had a dog this size.

222
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:30,243
He had three legs.

223
00:08:30,277 --> 00:08:32,746
My cousin, not the dog.

224
00:08:32,780 --> 00:08:36,617
Something good did
come out of Chernobyl.

225
00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:38,085
Excuse me?

226
00:08:38,118 --> 00:08:39,953
How much do you charge
for pictures with him?

227
00:08:39,987 --> 00:08:41,855
Oh, it depends.

228
00:08:41,889 --> 00:08:44,625
How nude do you want him?

229
00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:46,059
Ew.

230
00:08:46,093 --> 00:08:47,661
We mean for our kids...

231
00:08:47,695 --> 00:08:48,796
with the horse.

232
00:08:48,829 --> 00:08:52,132
I don't think
the "ew" was necessary.

233
00:08:52,165 --> 00:08:54,702
You don't know
what you're missing.

234
00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:57,771
I mean, we're just walking him
for our friend.

235
00:08:57,805 --> 00:08:58,972
We'll give you $10 each.

236
00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:00,774
Sold to the woman who...

237
00:09:00,808 --> 00:09:03,210
[chuckles wryly]
"Doesn't" wanna see me naked.

238
00:09:12,285 --> 00:09:13,887
Come on, 18!

239
00:09:13,921 --> 00:09:16,924
Which is also the title
of my adult film debut.

240
00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:18,358
Mine would have been called,

241
00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:20,193
"Might As Well,
I'm 24."

242
00:09:21,361 --> 00:09:22,896
Excuse me, Mr. Moustache?

243
00:09:22,930 --> 00:09:25,999
Could you stop feeling my ankle
with your toes?

244
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:29,937
I guess that's a no.

245
00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:31,905
-Oh, 18 winner.
-[gasps]

246
00:09:31,939 --> 00:09:33,807
We won!
I'm rich!

247
00:09:33,841 --> 00:09:35,208
Now you have no shot with me.

248
00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:37,945
Stay close, sweet cakes.
You're good luck.

249
00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:40,714
Here, buddy.
Buy yourself some new sandals,

250
00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:42,750
and a round of mouthwash
for the table.

251
00:09:42,783 --> 00:09:45,018
All right, place your bets.

252
00:09:45,052 --> 00:09:47,755
I placed mine
on a liberal arts degree.

253
00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:48,856
That's why I'm here.

254
00:09:48,889 --> 00:09:50,958
[thumping]
Let it ride.

255
00:09:50,991 --> 00:09:53,093
Max, maybe we should quit
while we're ahead

256
00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:54,762
since we've never been before.

257
00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,229
Aren't you worried
that we might...

258
00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:57,397
18 again!

259
00:09:57,430 --> 00:10:00,367
Keep winning and never die!

260
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:01,835
Let's go with four.

261
00:10:01,869 --> 00:10:03,804
The number of men
who have flashed me

262
00:10:03,837 --> 00:10:05,205
since I've been
on this riverboat.

263
00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:07,140
Lucky four!

264
00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:09,376
No more bets.

265
00:10:09,409 --> 00:10:12,212
[horn blows]
all: Whoa!

266
00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:14,381
Who's driving this thing?

267
00:10:14,414 --> 00:10:15,649
Gary Busey?

268
00:10:15,683 --> 00:10:18,318
Oh, four.
No winners.

269
00:10:18,351 --> 00:10:20,988
Yes, winners.
We had four,

270
00:10:21,021 --> 00:10:22,690
but then the boat
moved our chips.

271
00:10:22,723 --> 00:10:24,391
Yeah, and it also
spilled my soda.

272
00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:27,394
So like I said:
No winners.

273
00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:28,862
Sure, we lost all our money,

274
00:10:28,896 --> 00:10:30,898
but at least you got
to see some dongs.

275
00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:36,737
Hey, Sophie, it's me Car--ah!

276
00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:38,005
I fall for her...

277
00:10:38,038 --> 00:10:39,740
[mimics Sophie]
"Hello, this is Sophie"

278
00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:42,009
outgoing message
every time.

279
00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:44,945
We need them to send that money.

280
00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:46,680
Oh, thank God.
Hi, Sophie, it's--

281
00:10:46,714 --> 00:10:48,181
[screams]

282
00:10:48,215 --> 00:10:50,984
What's going on here?

283
00:10:51,018 --> 00:10:53,320
Are you selling pony rides
with Chestnut?

284
00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:56,990
Yes, but you got to wait in line
with the other kids.

285
00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:59,292
No, you don't, buddy.

286
00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:00,761
Up you go, champ.

287
00:11:01,862 --> 00:11:03,764
Get your hands off me!

288
00:11:03,797 --> 00:11:07,768
I don't want my picture taken!

289
00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:09,169
Right now.

290
00:11:09,202 --> 00:11:12,105
The girls asked me
to make sure you're feeding him,

291
00:11:12,139 --> 00:11:14,307
and here you are pimping him out

292
00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:15,709
like...

293
00:11:15,743 --> 00:11:17,377
this isn't my wheelhouse.

294
00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:18,746
Famous pimps, anyone?

295
00:11:18,779 --> 00:11:20,147
What?

296
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,482
How dare they not trust us.

297
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:25,318
This stops now!

298
00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:27,821
Unless your boy, Han,

299
00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:29,790
gets a little taste
of the horse-play.

300
00:11:29,823 --> 00:11:31,892
Here.

301
00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:34,795
What's going on here?

302
00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:35,996
Nothing.

303
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:38,465
I know a shady deal
when I see one.

304
00:11:38,498 --> 00:11:42,736
I was one of the loudest voices
against the Louisiana Purchase.

305
00:11:42,770 --> 00:11:44,872
Earl, what are you even
doing here?

306
00:11:44,905 --> 00:11:46,306
I thought you lived
at the diner.

307
00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:49,409
Well, thank God the girls
asked me to check on Han

308
00:11:49,442 --> 00:11:50,878
checking on you too

309
00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:52,345
'cause now this black male

310
00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:54,147
is about to blackmail you.

311
00:11:54,181 --> 00:11:55,282
[gasps]

312
00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:57,150
Okay, Earl's in too.

313
00:11:57,184 --> 00:12:00,020
At a lesser percentage
because odds are

314
00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:02,055
he'll forget about all of this
momentarily.

315
00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:05,058
- Excuse me, manager.

316
00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:06,426
We've been wronged,

317
00:12:06,459 --> 00:12:08,128
and not just generally by life.

318
00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:09,963
I don't know who to complain to
about that.

319
00:12:09,997 --> 00:12:12,499
Is there a problem over here?

320
00:12:12,532 --> 00:12:13,867
I'm the pit boss.

321
00:12:13,901 --> 00:12:15,769
I also do the mentalist show

322
00:12:15,803 --> 00:12:16,970
in the John Wilkes Booth
Ballroom.

323
00:12:17,004 --> 00:12:18,939
Still lots of tickets available.

324
00:12:18,972 --> 00:12:20,841
Yes, there's a problem here.

325
00:12:20,874 --> 00:12:22,342
We just got cheated
out of our winnings,

326
00:12:22,375 --> 00:12:24,912
and I was already cheated
out of much of my 20s,

327
00:12:24,945 --> 00:12:27,280
but again,
probably not your department.

328
00:12:27,314 --> 00:12:30,784
Why don't I send a complimentary
bottle of champagne

329
00:12:30,818 --> 00:12:31,885
to your room?

330
00:12:31,919 --> 00:12:33,453
And by "champagne" I mean wine,

331
00:12:33,486 --> 00:12:34,955
and by "bottle" I mean box.

332
00:12:34,988 --> 00:12:37,791
Uh, you know what?
We'll take it here.

333
00:12:37,825 --> 00:12:40,127
Would there happen to be
a 7 Eleven merlot?

334
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:43,363
Max, wine in our room
sounds so much better.

335
00:12:43,396 --> 00:12:44,998
We can relax

336
00:12:45,032 --> 00:12:46,800
and focus on each other
for once.

337
00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:48,435
Mm, great.
What's the room number?

338
00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:51,138
Oh.

339
00:12:51,171 --> 00:12:54,541
I think she means oh-six.

340
00:12:54,574 --> 00:12:56,009
I don't think so.

341
00:12:56,043 --> 00:12:57,978
That room is still
an active crime scene.

342
00:12:58,011 --> 00:12:59,346
[clears throat]

343
00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:01,014
Stowaways, huh?

344
00:13:01,048 --> 00:13:02,315
I'll have the Coast Guard
come and pick you up.

345
00:13:02,349 --> 00:13:04,284
They're already coming
for that guy.

346
00:13:04,317 --> 00:13:05,953
I didn't wanna
strip my clothes off

347
00:13:05,986 --> 00:13:06,987
and try to drive the boat.

348
00:13:07,020 --> 00:13:08,321
It was that voodoo curse.

349
00:13:08,355 --> 00:13:09,923
Damn you, Tim!

350
00:13:11,191 --> 00:13:13,593
Look, dude,
if you're really a mentalist,

351
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:16,496
you'll know that I need to get
to Texas to see my boyfriend.

352
00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:18,031
[grunts]

353
00:13:18,065 --> 00:13:20,167
I can tell that
you're telling the truth.

354
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:23,336
Please, there has got to be
a way we can work something out.

355
00:13:23,370 --> 00:13:24,304
We'll do anything.

356
00:13:24,337 --> 00:13:27,240
Well, she will.
I'll do over the shirt stuff.

357
00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:28,175
Your shirt.

358
00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:31,044
If you take off that hat.

359
00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:38,318
Is there anywhere in the world

360
00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:41,521
where I don't have
to be a waitress?

361
00:13:41,554 --> 00:13:42,990
Hooters?

362
00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:45,292
Thanks.

363
00:13:51,398 --> 00:13:55,002
I'm a cocktail waitress
on the Mississippi River.

364
00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:56,236
This is a worse vacation

365
00:13:56,269 --> 00:13:58,338
than the one
with Ed Helms in it.

366
00:13:59,239 --> 00:14:00,607
[grunts, chuckles]
Sorry, sir.

367
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:01,975
Looking for some cell service.

368
00:14:02,009 --> 00:14:03,310
Hey, why don't I sit in your lap

369
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:05,478
and you can drive me around?
Two birds, one stone?

370
00:14:08,315 --> 00:14:11,518
[scoffs] I wasn't
that attracted to you anyway.

371
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:14,587
I'm gonna go try
to find some reception.

372
00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:16,656
Seeing Randy miserable is
the only thing

373
00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:18,058
that'll cheer me up right now.

374
00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:19,559
[gasps]
Maybe he's crying.

375
00:14:21,394 --> 00:14:25,165
One vodka for the gentleman
with the neck tattoo,

376
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:27,400
and two vodkas for the lady

377
00:14:27,434 --> 00:14:29,302
who's into that sort of thing.

378
00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:32,172
[gasps]
Thank you.

379
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:33,573
Your catfish tower's on its way.

380
00:14:33,606 --> 00:14:36,409
It takes two to carry
the cocktail sauce lagoon.

381
00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:41,248
Everything on double-zero.

382
00:14:41,281 --> 00:14:43,650
Which has to be the Yelp rating
of this boat.

383
00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:45,052
Excuse me?

384
00:14:45,085 --> 00:14:47,154
Could I get
a white wine spritzer?

385
00:14:48,288 --> 00:14:51,558
Oh, come on, Vera.
We share a locker.

386
00:14:51,591 --> 00:14:52,692
Oh, double-zero.

387
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:53,927
-[gasps]
-Winner.

388
00:14:53,961 --> 00:14:55,628
Yes, I'm a winner again!

389
00:14:55,662 --> 00:14:57,364
Suck it, river people.

390
00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:59,366
What is going on over here?

391
00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:01,434
Employees are not allowed
to gamble.

392
00:15:01,468 --> 00:15:04,137
Or, as of last week,
sexually harass each other.

393
00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:05,305
Thanks a lot, Craig.

394
00:15:06,439 --> 00:15:08,141
Ugh.

395
00:15:08,175 --> 00:15:09,709
Poindexter in the radio room

396
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:11,644
wouldn't let me use
the satellite phone.

397
00:15:11,678 --> 00:15:14,014
Also, I broke
your satellite phone.

398
00:15:14,047 --> 00:15:16,016
That is it.
You're fired.

399
00:15:16,049 --> 00:15:18,085
That's the worst news I've heard

400
00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:19,552
since you said "you're hired."

401
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:22,990
There's a tug coming
to swap out the toilet tanks.

402
00:15:23,023 --> 00:15:24,557
I am putting you two on it.

403
00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:26,159
As captains?

404
00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:28,495
Or should I say, crap-tains?

405
00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:33,200
Hey, everybody!

406
00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:37,570
I got spinning wheels
for Barbara's carriage.

407
00:15:38,738 --> 00:15:40,707
Now's it's not just her attitude

408
00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:41,941
that's gangster.

409
00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:47,314
Uh...can y'all keep it down,
please?

410
00:15:47,347 --> 00:15:50,283
I'm trying to set up
my new wireless headphones.

411
00:15:50,317 --> 00:15:53,320
Gonna make my WalkMan
sound amazing.

412
00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:55,288
This is ridiculous.

413
00:15:55,322 --> 00:15:57,090
I'm trying to keep things
on the down-low,

414
00:15:57,124 --> 00:15:59,692
and you three went
on the biggest shopping spree

415
00:15:59,726 --> 00:16:02,395
since Ellen
at a Men's Wearhouse sale.

416
00:16:02,429 --> 00:16:04,731
Oh, wait a minute.

417
00:16:04,764 --> 00:16:06,399
Wait a minute.

418
00:16:06,433 --> 00:16:10,603
Han, why are you taller
than the counter?

419
00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:14,641
Just been eating right
and getting enough sleep.

420
00:16:14,674 --> 00:16:17,477
Yeah, something's weird.

421
00:16:17,510 --> 00:16:20,513
You're almost the height
of an adult penguin.

422
00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:24,184
Fine!
I treated myself to lifts.

423
00:16:24,217 --> 00:16:28,555
I was sick of being nose to butt
with everyone on the subway.

424
00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:31,024
Check out Caroline's Instagram.

425
00:16:31,058 --> 00:16:32,659
Looks like they're
in more trouble than I was

426
00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:34,694
the last time I tried
to put on overalls.

427
00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:39,232
Ooh, they're on a tugboat
filled with toilets,

428
00:16:39,266 --> 00:16:41,334
and she writes, "Help.

429
00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:44,204
Please send money."

430
00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:45,672
So...

431
00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:46,573
quick unfollow?

432
00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:50,543
Or sleep on it
and pow-wow in the morning?

433
00:16:50,577 --> 00:16:52,779
No. We have to help them.

434
00:16:52,812 --> 00:16:55,615
I lost the cord
to these headphones anyway.

435
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,555
Oh, still got toilet boat legs.

436
00:17:04,091 --> 00:17:07,360
Ugh, this place reeks of bait.

437
00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:10,297
Oh, no, wait. That was me.
My mouth was open.

438
00:17:10,330 --> 00:17:11,431
More importantly,

439
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:13,100
I finally have enough bars
on my phone

440
00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:14,501
to stalk Randy on Snapchat.

441
00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:17,537
Oh, great!
All of our problems are solved,

442
00:17:17,570 --> 00:17:20,140
except for food, money,
and a place to sleep.

443
00:17:20,173 --> 00:17:22,209
So negative.

444
00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:24,411
Have you not seen
the sneeze-guard-less

445
00:17:24,444 --> 00:17:27,114
bait shop salad bar?

446
00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:28,681
Speaking of pathetic,

447
00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:31,684
let me just check in
on poor Randy.

448
00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:34,321
Just another lonely night
here in Texas...

449
00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:36,156
with all my new best friends!

450
00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:37,590
-ALL: Hey!
-Ha-ha!

451
00:17:39,426 --> 00:17:41,294
Hey! I was up next for Twister!

452
00:17:41,328 --> 00:17:42,395
Classic Jake.

453
00:17:42,429 --> 00:17:43,763
-Hey!
-Hey!

454
00:17:43,796 --> 00:17:47,800
Ha. I'm sure he's
just putting on a happy face.

455
00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:50,337
That's obviously the only way
to handle Jake.

456
00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:53,340
Deep down, I can tell
he's genuinely upset.

457
00:17:53,373 --> 00:17:55,742
I'm just genuinely happy
right now.

458
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:02,582
Ugh, this salad bar stinks.

459
00:18:02,615 --> 00:18:04,851
No, wait. That's me again.

460
00:18:04,884 --> 00:18:06,186
[phone chimes]

461
00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:07,754
[gasps]
Oh, my God, Max!

462
00:18:07,787 --> 00:18:10,490
The diner people put money
in our PayPal account!

463
00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:12,259
They say it's from Chestnut,

464
00:18:12,292 --> 00:18:15,795
but he's not allowed on the
Internet when we're not home.

465
00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:17,330
I can't believe it.

466
00:18:17,364 --> 00:18:18,565
Me neither.

467
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:20,767
The diner people are
all we have in this world.

468
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:23,703
And I used to have a closet
just for scarves.

469
00:18:23,736 --> 00:18:26,473
No! That Randy's happy
without me.

470
00:18:26,506 --> 00:18:27,674
What am I doing?

471
00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:29,476
I'm dragging you
all over the country

472
00:18:29,509 --> 00:18:31,911
after some guy who isn't even
interested in me anymore.

473
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:35,582
This is my worst idea since I
told DeNiro to stick to comedy.

474
00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:37,350
So, what are you saying?

475
00:18:37,384 --> 00:18:39,319
I'm saying this is a mistake.

476
00:18:39,352 --> 00:18:40,553
Let's just go home
like you said

477
00:18:40,587 --> 00:18:42,355
after that hyena
knocked you to the ground

478
00:18:42,389 --> 00:18:43,823
and tried to hump you.

479
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:48,595
Can I get $12 on number four?

480
00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:52,632
And on which aisle can I find
tucking tape?

481
00:18:56,703 --> 00:18:59,772
Okay, I will just have
these Slim Jims and a Ho-Ho.

482
00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:02,542
It's not like I have to fit
into couture today.

483
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:05,378
[Caroline gasps]

484
00:19:08,381 --> 00:19:09,949
-Stop hitting me.
-Stop hitting me!

485
00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:12,652
Girls, stop fighting.

486
00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:15,422
I hate to see women
fighting each other.

487
00:19:15,455 --> 00:19:16,656
Well, unless, of course,

488
00:19:16,689 --> 00:19:18,391
it's Hoda and Kathie Lee

489
00:19:18,425 --> 00:19:20,493
over the last glass
of chardonnay.

490
00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:23,663
That's RuPaul!

491
00:19:23,696 --> 00:19:25,765
From RuPaul's Drag Race!

492
00:19:26,899 --> 00:19:28,935
We love your show.
We used to watch it

493
00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:30,403
through our neighbor Jeff's
window.

494
00:19:30,437 --> 00:19:31,571
But then he met Dean,

495
00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:33,406
and now all they do is
cook naked.

496
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:35,475
So we just watch that now.

497
00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:37,377
Oh, you poor babies.

498
00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:39,546
So, why the cat fight?

499
00:19:39,579 --> 00:19:41,781
Did she steal
your size 12 stilettos?

500
00:19:41,814 --> 00:19:44,651
'Cause I would cut a bitch
for that.

501
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,486
We were actually
on our way to Texas

502
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,621
to see if she and her ex could
patch things us.

503
00:19:48,655 --> 00:19:50,390
No, we're not going
to Texas.

504
00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:51,524
We're going back home.

505
00:19:51,558 --> 00:19:52,759
Sometimes you got
to admit defeat...

506
00:19:52,792 --> 00:19:56,629
and that there is a very live
junebug in this macaroni salad.

507
00:19:56,663 --> 00:20:01,301
Oh, no, honey. I do not like
the sound of defeat.

508
00:20:01,334 --> 00:20:04,504
You want to know where I'd be
if I'd given up on my dreams?

509
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,506
Living right down the road

510
00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:08,841
managing a Dress Barn,

511
00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:12,712
driving 400 miles in a ball gown
to sing karaoke.

512
00:20:12,745 --> 00:20:16,416
I would not be the supermodel
of the world

513
00:20:16,449 --> 00:20:17,984
that I am today,

514
00:20:18,017 --> 00:20:19,486
okay?

515
00:20:19,519 --> 00:20:21,020
Hello.

516
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:25,392
Hey, listen. I'm driving
to Texas if y'all want a ride.

517
00:20:25,425 --> 00:20:29,562
Well, shall we sashay away?

518
00:20:29,596 --> 00:20:31,731
You know that's copyrighted.

519
00:20:31,764 --> 00:20:34,834
Say it again,
and you owe me $12,000.

520
00:20:37,504 --> 00:20:38,705
-Aah!
-Ah! Shotgun!

521
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:39,806
I'm sitting next to RuPaul!

522
00:20:39,839 --> 00:20:41,341
No. I'm sitting
next to RuPaul.

523
00:20:41,374 --> 00:20:44,677
* *

524
00:20:44,711 --> 00:20:46,279
(cash register dings)

525
00:20:49,382 --> 00:20:52,352
(rock music)

526
00:20:52,385 --> 00:20:59,526
* *